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Category: Health and Wellness

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Rewarding Your Child Actually Bad for Them?

Imagine having a remote control to manage and direct your kid’s behavior.
 
Clean your room. Done.
Do your homework. Done.
 
Go to bed. Done.
 
Wouldn’t life be a breeze? No more nagging. No more heated arguments. No more talking back.
It’s a joke of course—or is it?
 
Life would certainly be easier if our kids always did what we asked.
 
But then they’d be more like robots and less like the complex, wonderful humans we know and love.
 
In my TEDxChandlersCreek presentation, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I talk about how the reward and punishment method can be similar to using a remote control on our kids.
When we try to manipulate our children’s behavior by rewarding actions that we deem “good” and punishing those we see as “bad,” we activate the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
 
Why?
 
Because rewarding “good” behavior tells our kids they only deserve praise or love when they accomplish specific goals or act in a socially acceptable manner.
 
On the flip side, when we punish so-called “bad” behavior, we fail to address the unmet need fueling the misdeed.
 
Ignoring the messages behind our kids’ actions inadvertently tells them that they don’t matter.
 
Relying on rewards and punishments gives them the impression that we don’t care if they’re sad, angry, or lonely—we just want them to behave well. Like robots.
 
I myself was a product of unconscious parenting. I had to learn how to honor my inner voice after being taught to suppress my authentic self in the name of “good” behavior.
 
I talk about my own journey and so much more in the presentation, which you can watch right here.
 
Love and Blessings,
Katherine
 
P.S. I recently had the privilege of speaking with LaWann Moses on the More Than a Mother podcast. Together, we had a powerful dialogue about the underlying issues that many parents are dealing with in their relationships with their children. Check out the episode to learn more!
 
https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

How to Become an Awesome Parenting Partner

 

Whether you parent with a partner who sleeps next to you at night, co-parent with an ex, or even share the responsibility of raising your kid with Grandma or Grandpa, those relationships have their ups and downs. Parenting is fraught with daily stresses, and our conversations can very easily sound like this:

Didn’t I tell you they need to start Zoom school at 9? It’s 9:30!
How can you let them watch TV when I literally just said they can’t?!
Why do I feel like I’m doing everything and you’re doing nothing?

Sound familiar? You might find it increasingly challenging to manage working from home, keeping house, and playing teacher to your kid. And because of that, your relationship with your parenting partner may be on the rocks.

Pexels Elina Fairytale 3807188 1

Here are 5 ways to help you repair that relationship and become a better parenting partner:

  1. Practice effective communication. Sighs, grunts, and eye-rolls aren’t effective ways to communicate. Kind, clear communication is crucial to raising healthy and secure kids. Instead of yelling “You never help me when I need you to!”, try (calmly) saying, “I feel overwhelmed because I have a meeting in five minutes. Can you help me by [insert your specific request]?”
  2. Be strategic. Treat your parenting tasks like business goals, especially when issues arise. Create a schedule. Prepare an agenda. Have objectives. Exchange relevant information with your partner and keep them in the loop. Work together to come up with solutions.

  1. Cultivate an atmosphere of respect. One of the fundamental values of conscious parenting is communicating with respect. As parenting partners, you need to model that behavior in how you talk to, and about, each other. Avoid trash-talking your partner or undermining their authority, especially in front of your child.
  1. Agree to be consistent. It’s confusing for a kid to continually shift from one set of rules and expectations to another. Apply consistency to bedtime, chores, and study and play periods. Get on the same side about what’s permitted and what isn’t. Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them and be consistent.
  1. Chill out. Overextending yourself in too many directions makes you tired, overwhelmed, and cranky. For the sake of your partner, your child, and yourself, make sure you create time in your schedule to kick back and relax. Even a few minutes of quiet time makes a difference.

When sticking to these guidelines feels challenging, remember the ultimate goal: to raise happy, healthy children. And that can only be achieved when the parenting team—you and your partner—are happy and healthy too.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Betrayal-What it Is, What it Does

How do you heal when a friend shares your most intimate secrets with the outside world? How do you get beyond losing a promotion after being stabbed in the back by a co-worker? How do you make something positive out of a partner or spouse cheating on you?

The pain of being stabbed in the back or worse yet, the heart, is very real and multi-dimensional. It impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Every relationship has rules- both spoken and unspoken. Over time, we come to believe that if we play by those rules, we will be safe, happy, and fulfilled.

When someone betrays us, they break those rules and it impacts us on every level.

The impact of betrayal is not only real and multifaceted but also ranges in intensity based on how close you are to your betrayer. The more you trusted and depended on the person who betrayed you, the more intense the effects. For example, let’s take a child who is betrayed by a parent and your coworker who took the credit for your idea. Both are betrayals but there’s a different level of cleanup left in the wake of each experience.

In fact, there’s a collection of symptoms (physical, mental and emotional) so common to betrayal it’s become known as Post Betrayal Syndrome.

People who have been betrayed can suffer from a wide range of emotional symptoms such as sadness, anger, stress, rejection, fear, irritability, depression, and abandonment. They can also suffer from physical and mental ailments as well. In my Ph.D. study on betrayal, I studied what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally, and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. A staggering percentage were found to suffer from low energy, extreme fatigue/exhaustion, digestive issues, weight issues, and more. Add to that how common it is to also feel overwhelmed, shocked, unable to focus and concentrate. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] According to the study, betrayal also shatters our worldview. That’s our mental model, the rules that govern us and prevent chaos. This is where the shock of the experience hits us hard. The rules we’ve believed in and counted on have all been broken. The bottom has just bottomed out on us and a new foundation hasn’t been formed yet-it can feel terrifying.

Healing from betrayal can be scary and messy, which is why some people continue to stay stuck. The good news is that moving forward is not only possible, it’s predictable with the right strategies. You can not only rebuild your worldview, you can do it in a way to become your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual best. That’s the silver lining of the dark betrayal cloud. You can come out of it stronger, wiser, healthier, and more empowered than ever before and yes, you can learn to trust again.

When you heal, mentally, you’ll be able to focus on what you choose to pay attention to. Physically, you’ll feel more energetic, healthier, and stronger. Emotionally, you’ll be calmer, centered, and confident. Spiritually, you’ll find the gift in the experience. What had become your life’s story will become a pivotal chapter in your next story. This isn’t just a hopeful idea. It’s predictable when you move through The Five Stages From Betrayal to Breakthrough. You’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something so painful. When you do, that’s trauma well served. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Betrayal-What it Is, What it Does

How do you heal when a friend shares your most intimate secrets with the outside world? How do you get beyond losing a promotion after being stabbed in the back by a co-worker? How do you make something positive out of a partner or spouse cheating on you?

The pain of being stabbed in the back or worse yet, the heart, is very real and multi-dimensional. It impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Every relationship has rules- both spoken and unspoken. Over time, we come to believe that if we play by those rules, we will be safe, happy, and fulfilled.

When someone betrays us, they break those rules and it impacts us on every level.

The impact of betrayal is not only real and multifaceted but also ranges in intensity based on how close you are to your betrayer. The more you trusted and depended on the person who betrayed you, the more intense the effects. For example, let’s take a child who is betrayed by a parent and your coworker who took the credit for your idea. Both are betrayals but there’s a different level of cleanup left in the wake of each experience.

In fact, there’s a collection of symptoms (physical, mental and emotional) so common to betrayal it’s become known as Post Betrayal Syndrome.

People who have been betrayed can suffer from a wide range of emotional symptoms such as sadness, anger, stress, rejection, fear, irritability, depression, and abandonment. They can also suffer from physical and mental ailments as well. In my Ph.D. study on betrayal, I studied what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally, and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. A staggering percentage were found to suffer from low energy, extreme fatigue/exhaustion, digestive issues, weight issues, and more. Add to that how common it is to also feel overwhelmed, shocked, unable to focus and concentrate. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] According to the study, betrayal also shatters our worldview. That’s our mental model, the rules that govern us and prevent chaos. This is where the shock of the experience hits us hard. The rules we’ve believed in and counted on have all been broken. The bottom has just bottomed out on us and a new foundation hasn’t been formed yet-it can feel terrifying.

Healing from betrayal can be scary and messy, which is why some people continue to stay stuck. The good news is that moving forward is not only possible, it’s predictable with the right strategies. You can not only rebuild your worldview, you can do it in a way to become your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual best. That’s the silver lining of the dark betrayal cloud. You can come out of it stronger, wiser, healthier, and more empowered than ever before and yes, you can learn to trust again.

When you heal, mentally, you’ll be able to focus on what you choose to pay attention to. Physically, you’ll feel more energetic, healthier, and stronger. Emotionally, you’ll be calmer, centered, and confident. Spiritually, you’ll find the gift in the experience. What had become your life’s story will become a pivotal chapter in your next story. This isn’t just a hopeful idea. It’s predictable when you move through The Five Stages From Betrayal to Breakthrough. You’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something so painful. When you do, that’s trauma well served. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Ask Katherine: How do I get my kids to read?

 

  1. Pick a genre they’re interested in. Is your child into animals and insects? Try recommending “Charlotte’s Web” or “Babe.” Do they love a good adventure? “Chronicles of Narnia” might be right up their alley! Capture their attention with topics and genres they already enjoy.
  2. Create a cozy reading nook. Whether it’s a small tent in the living room or a pile of pillows in the bedroom, create a space dedicated to reading. Children love having their own space to enjoy. Make one rule, though: in order to use the reading nook, they actually have to read.
  3. Surround them with reading material. If a kid grows up surrounded by candy, chances are high that they’ll like candy. The same rhetoric applies to reading: when your children have easy access to books, they’ll be more likely to pick one up.

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] 4.Make reading a family habit. Children model their parent’s behavior, so make reading a shared activity for the entire family (yes, that includes Mom and Dad). Schedule an hour or two on the weekends just for books. You can even join your kids in their reading nook!

5.Read aloud. Reading aloud can make a story more engaging. Take turns reading chapters or assign a specific character to each family member. You can also try audiobooks, many of which have fun voice narration to captivate even the most distractible audiences.

6.Make reading fun. Create fun activities centered around reading. For your outdoorsy boys, a bike ride to the library might do the trick! Older children may enjoy starting a book club with their friends or cousins. They can even host their “club meetings” out on the lawn or over Zoom!

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

10 Strategies to Reduce Overwhelm

 

Do you have so much going on that you feel overwhelmed? A busy life with too many demands can lead to feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Work, family, other obligations as well as unresolved mental/emotional stress can prove to be too much at times. Not only is it hard on us mentally and emotionally, but it’s also taking a toll on us physically too.What can you do? Here are a few tips to minimize feelings of overwhelm and stress:

  1. Take a deep breath. Once you start to feel overwhelmed, things tend to go downhill quickly. Give yourself a break by relaxing, taking a deep breath, and slowing down your mind. Just a few mindful moments can help rebalance the nervous system.
  2. Focus on what you can control. In any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t control. Keep your focus on those things you can do something about.
  3. Let go of those things that are out of your control. There’s no reason to think about it and get yourself more agitated if you can’t do anything about it. Learn to let go of anything you can’t influence.
  4. Focus on solutions. Most of us make the mistake of focusing on the problem and imagining negative outcomes. This strategy causes even more stress. If you’re going to think about the problem, commit to coming out of the thought process with a plan that moves things forward in some way.
  • Ask yourself what you can do to eliminate, delegate or lessen the sources of your stress. Write down your ideas, then put those ideas into action.
  1. Avoid making assumptions. Are things actually as stressful as you think they are? Is it possible that you’ve misinterpreted something or made something more than it needs to be? Gather all the facts before deciding if there’s a reason to be overwhelmed. Question your judgment and ensure that you’re on solid ground before hitting the panic button if at all.
  2. Give yourself a change of scenery. Get out of the house and the office for a few hours. Your environment affects your perspective. Spend some time in nature if possible. If that’s not possible, use an app with nature sounds, play some soothing music or even buy a small water feature for your desk.

7.Spend time with a friend or loved one. Sometimes we need an objective eye on an issue to put something in perspective. Sometimes we need that friend who knows how to make us laugh. Other times we need that friend who is a great listener. While you may be the one who is always able, willing, and ready to help a friend, is it time to reach out for some support yourself?8.Enjoy a relaxing activity. What relaxes you? Taking a warm bath? Going for a run? Getting a massage? Spend an hour or two decompressing in a way that signals your body and mind to calm down.9.Cut down on your obligations. Maybe you’re overcommitting. Consider limiting the number of activities you participate in. Are you taking on too many responsibilities? Just because you can do those things, doesn’t mean you should.

  • Consider which of your obligations are most important and say no to the rest.
  • 10.Remember when you’ve been overwhelmed in the past. What helped? What didn’t work? Was there some particular combination of strategies that worked well for you? See if any of them may work again for you now.

It’s easy to let the overwhelm become debilitating. Instead, try creating your “overwhelm prevention plan” filled with your top ideas you can implement when your level of stress increases. With your tips handy, you can implement your strategies when you need them most.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

10 Strategies to Reduce Overwhelm

 

Do you have so much going on that you feel overwhelmed? A busy life with too many demands can lead to feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Work, family, other obligations as well as unresolved mental/emotional stress can prove to be too much at times. Not only is it hard on us mentally and emotionally, but it’s also taking a toll on us physically too.What can you do? Here are a few tips to minimize feelings of overwhelm and stress:

  1. Take a deep breath. Once you start to feel overwhelmed, things tend to go downhill quickly. Give yourself a break by relaxing, taking a deep breath, and slowing down your mind. Just a few mindful moments can help rebalance the nervous system.
  2. Focus on what you can control. In any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t control. Keep your focus on those things you can do something about.
  3. Let go of those things that are out of your control. There’s no reason to think about it and get yourself more agitated if you can’t do anything about it. Learn to let go of anything you can’t influence.
  4. Focus on solutions. Most of us make the mistake of focusing on the problem and imagining negative outcomes. This strategy causes even more stress. If you’re going to think about the problem, commit to coming out of the thought process with a plan that moves things forward in some way.
  • Ask yourself what you can do to eliminate, delegate or lessen the sources of your stress. Write down your ideas, then put those ideas into action.
  1. Avoid making assumptions. Are things actually as stressful as you think they are? Is it possible that you’ve misinterpreted something or made something more than it needs to be? Gather all the facts before deciding if there’s a reason to be overwhelmed. Question your judgment and ensure that you’re on solid ground before hitting the panic button if at all.
  2. Give yourself a change of scenery. Get out of the house and the office for a few hours. Your environment affects your perspective. Spend some time in nature if possible. If that’s not possible, use an app with nature sounds, play some soothing music or even buy a small water feature for your desk.

7.Spend time with a friend or loved one. Sometimes we need an objective eye on an issue to put something in perspective. Sometimes we need that friend who knows how to make us laugh. Other times we need that friend who is a great listener. While you may be the one who is always able, willing, and ready to help a friend, is it time to reach out for some support yourself?8.Enjoy a relaxing activity. What relaxes you? Taking a warm bath? Going for a run? Getting a massage? Spend an hour or two decompressing in a way that signals your body and mind to calm down.9.Cut down on your obligations. Maybe you’re overcommitting. Consider limiting the number of activities you participate in. Are you taking on too many responsibilities? Just because you can do those things, doesn’t mean you should.

  • Consider which of your obligations are most important and say no to the rest.
  • 10.Remember when you’ve been overwhelmed in the past. What helped? What didn’t work? Was there some particular combination of strategies that worked well for you? See if any of them may work again for you now.

It’s easy to let the overwhelm become debilitating. Instead, try creating your “overwhelm prevention plan” filled with your top ideas you can implement when your level of stress increases. With your tips handy, you can implement your strategies when you need them most.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

The real reason your child doesn’t listen to you.

Control. Do you feel yourself longing for it lately? 

 

When life feels uncertain, we often respond by grasping for control in any way possible. You hyperfocus on cleaning up the house.   You micromanage a project at work.   You criticize your spouse for the way they do…just about anything.

 

And you try to get your kid to “behave.” 

 

The belief that we should control our children, that they need to act according to our wishes, usually comes from a deep-seated belief passed down from our own childhood. And when our kids don’t do what we think they should do, we take it personally:

 

They’re driving ME crazy. 

 

They’re making ME frustrated. 

 

They’re not listening to ME.

 

via GIPHY

 

We’re tuned into how our kids make us feel, but what about them? 

 

If they’re not listening to you, who are they listening to? 

 

The answer is that they’re listening to something inside themselves. It’s their inner voice, the one that tells them how they feel and what they want to do next. 

 

Granted, what they want to do next might be:

 

  • throw a temper tantrum
  • ride a scooter through the house, or 
  • sneak out after curfew. 

 

I’m not suggesting you let your child do whatever they want. The opposite of control isn’t chaos. It’s consideration. 

 

When you consider your kid, you acknowledge that their desires and needs are different than your own. I call that the “inner no.” When your child says “no” to you, they’re saying “yes” to something inside themselves.

 

“When your child says ‘no’ to you, they’re saying yes to something inside themselves.”

 

Developing a sense of self is important for your kid. You want to raise a confident adult who’s able to advocate for what they need. But without the right guidance, you’ll probably default to trying to control your child’s behavior, which undermines their self-confidence. 

 

Every parent I’ve worked with has made the mistake of trying to control their child in some way. But you can change your behavior and transform your relationship. (And incidentally, your child will probably start listening to you more often!)

 

If making this change is important to you, then I highly recommend you watch my free webinar, 3 Common Mistakes Parents Make and How to Reverse Them. Letting go of control isn’t easy, but I’m confident that the techniques you’ll learn can help you get there.

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Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Top Tips to Reducing Stress

Stress, whether caused by a major crisis or something minor, is something most of us have experienced at some point in our lives. While for some it’s not often, for others it’s a daily occurrence. Since it’s something most of us go through, we need to learn how to effectively manage stress.

Even the happiest people on the planet experience some amount of stress. It’s not the stress that’s necessarily the problem, it’s how they move through it.

The body is beautifully designed to manage acute stress (for example, jumping out of harm’s way if a car is coming towards you). When stress is chronic and prolonged however, that’s when it becomes toxic and burdens the body. So since there will always be some amount of stress in your life, how can you manage it more effectively?

Try these tips:

     1. Do some physical exercise. (Check with your doctor first). While it might seem contradictory to combat stress with physical exercise, exerting your body appropriately can help you manage stress.

  • Whether it’s the rhythmic movement of a walk to allow you to decompress, or hitting a punching bag to release the pent-up emotions, exercise is a powerful way to reduce stress while elevating your mood as well.
  • Exercise can relieve brain fog, relieve stress, and help you feel more in control of your emotions. A good exercise routine can also support quality sleep, which is important for stress management.
  • To begin exercising, you might try taking a walk, doing some yoga poses, lifting weights, or taking a class. Once you find something you like, make it a regular part of your routine.
  • You’ll find that the positive effects on your health, mind, and mood will make exercising a stress-relieving activity you look forward to.

     2. Focus on your breathing. A simple task like focusing on your breathing can quickly calm you down and help rebalance the nervous system. Focus on breathing in and out. Count how many seconds it takes for one inhalation and exhalation.

  • At first, this might sound like an easy goal. But you may be surprised that it can be challenging to concentrate on your breathing. Like anything else, it gets easier the more you practice.
  • The best thing about breathing is that you can do it anywhere and at any time. I mean, you’re breathing anyway, right? It won’t make you feel uncomfortable if people are around because no one will know what you’re doing.

3. Limit caffeine. Caffeinated drinks are causes of stress for many people. Caffeine has a stimulant effect that creates anxiety for some and causes them to feel jittery.

  • Instead of drinking coffee, try drinking decaffeinated tea in the morning or herbal tea at night. The herbs in tea have calming properties, helping you relax and fall asleep.
  • And although you may feel tempted to drink several cups of coffee during the day, best to stop drinking anything caffeinated by noon to ensure it won’t disrupt your sleep.

Top Tips to Reducing Stress

4. Spend time with those you love. Your social support system can have a major positive effect, helping you deal with your stress. If you don’t currently surround yourself with loving and supportive people, reach out and build stronger connections.

  • Closeness and connection releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of calm and relaxation.
  • Spending time with those you love also allows for time for love and laughter. Laughing is great to combat stress and a good belly laugh will work your abs too!

5. Supplement appropriately. Toxic, unmanaged stress creates a continual demand for your adrenals to output cortisol-the stress hormone. Over time, this creates symptoms, illnesses, and conditions. Rebalance your adrenals and create a sense of calm by supplementing appropriately.

Managing stress is about finding healthy ways to handle an appropriate amount of stress while finding other ways to reduce, eliminate and/or delegate whatever is creating a sense of overload. Only you know what’s important for you to handle and what you may be better off letting go of. And, while it may be hard to seek support when stress levels get too high, it’s important for your health, well-being, and sanity.

Dr. Debi

Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating?

Is your teenager’s defiant behavior ruling your family life?

The teenage years are challenging, leaving many parents and caregivers at a loss. But in fact, there’s a perfectly legitimate explanation for their behavior. During adolescence, humans begin developing their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for making judgments, weighing pros and cons, and managing emotional responses.

This critical part of the brain continues developing until the mid-20s, making it difficult for teenagers to think critically and manage their moods. Research even shows that teens often misread cues and facial expressions…and are more likely to interpret them as being shocked or angry.

Yikes! Combined with the flood of new hormones coursing through their bodies, it’s no wonder your teen walks around constantly sighing, rolling their eyes, and slamming doors!

17

Understanding the Three Rs

According to child psychologist Dr. Louise Porter, who I co-authored the Guidance Approach to Parenting with, 75% of family disruptions result from what Dr. Thomas Gordon called the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.

When your child refuses to walk beside you at the mall, they’re resisting. When they go to a party instead of doing their homework, they’re rebelling. When they’re aggressive with their siblings because they feel misunderstood, they’re retaliating.

Teens’ defiant behavior is a reaction to power and control being imposed over them and is the classic activation of those 3Rs mentioned above. The lack of control over their emotions and bodies, combined with their legitimate need for self-direction and autonomy that is thwarted by many parents, causes them to “act out.”

As parents, we owe it to our teenagers to practice empathy and do our best to understand where they’re coming from. To combat normal but challenging behaviors, we have to give them the autonomy they crave while still ensuring their safety and well-being

18

7 Practical Tips for Managing Your Teen’s Behavior

The 3Rs can be eliminated by using the Guidance Approach to Parenting.  The reason the 3Rs surface is that controlling discipline activates them. The way to prevent them from surfacing is to never activate them in the first place. My TEDx talk, “The Rebellion is Here: We Created It and We Can Solve It,” has more detail about how the process works.

These practical tips can make a world of difference: 

1. When tempers rise, disengage. If your teen is defensive or upset, postpone heavy conversations for a later time. Give them space to calm down and think things over. You’ll benefit from this space, too.

2. Set age-appropriate guidelines. Give your teenagers the independence they crave, setting age-appropriate guidelines. What’s reasonable for a 13-year-old is probably too restrictive for a 16-year-old, so use your judgment and be open to feedback. Create solutions together, seeking clarity so everyone’s on the same page: “So are you saying you would feel better if I let you do your own thing from 2-5 pm on Saturdays, as long as you tell me where you’re going and with whom?”

3. Find common ground. Connect with your child by finding activities you both enjoy. Watch a movie together, go get ice cream, or play a favorite sport. Engaging in shared interests fosters a positive environment for meaningful connection. If your teen starts opening up about their life, listen and invite them to tell you more! Be careful not to use the 12 roadblocks to communication or will go awry!

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating

4. Respond, don’t react. When your teenager confides in you for the first time about, say, a boy they’re interested in, resist the urge to freak out! Drop the “my baby” perspective and be as objective as you can. Give advice like you would to a friend, assuring your teen that they can talk to you about anything—even the uncomfortable stuff.

5. Avoid phrases like “You never” and “You always.” Nothing sparks defensiveness more than the words “never” and “always.” Reframe your language to be non-accusatory. Instead of, “You’re always late for school!” say “I’ve received some reports about lateness from your school; is everything okay?”

6. Respect their privacy. With so much happening in their minds and bodies, teens can be extremely self-conscious about, well, everything. Respect their budding sense of self. That means no snooping in bedrooms, phones, laptops, or social media. Build trust with your teen, and they’ll feel empowered to tell you what’s going on.

7. Help them understand the changes in their body. Teens are better equipped at handling physiological changes when they’re fully aware of what’s happening. If they don’t want to talk to you about these changes, enlist the help of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.

As your teenager navigates this complex period in their lives, it’s critical for parents to provide the support they desperately need.

Still feeling daunted? Parents need support, too! Our private FB community can help you chart these churning waters. Join us inside the Facebook Group for Tuesday Tips for Parents, Tuesdays at 6:10 pm PST. Our team of coaches streams in live every week to answer all your parenting questions.