Category: Leadership

In these unusual times, do you feel abundant? Are you confident you can negotiate to get what you want and deserve? Or are you uncertain, frozen in place, afraid to move forward, reverting to a protective posture? I’d like to help you rise above the current climate of fear to take advantage of opportunities that abound. While others are hunkering down preparing for winter, you can plant the seeds for a better future for yourself!

My goal is to kickstart or at least set you on the path to an abundance mindset so you can master how to negotiate your way through the financial hardships and uncertainty of these times, both personally and professionally.

Money is a triggering subject. Especially for women. It’s no surprise when you consider that it’s only recent history we’ve been allowed to own property or have credit in our own name. This history has created limiting beliefs for most women around wealth and money. That baggage holds us back from stepping into the fullness of the abundance we deserve.

Psychology of Wealth

This becomes particularly relevant during times like these as the psychology we have during times of crisis is one of the most important factors in determining our success. In fact, it’s said that 80% of success is determined by one’s psychology. Mechanics only count for 20%.

We’re experiencing a defining time in history, where the economic world as we know it is changing before our eyes. Before we can take effective action, we need to build the right mindset to attract and create wealth. If you’ve been wanting more abundance than you’re currently experiencing in your life, then at some level you’re blocking that money and wealth.

Money does not go where it’s not wanted. If we’re still carrying old stories about money that hold resistance at some level, then we’re repelling money. For many years I wasn’t aware of how my money baggage held me back. I grew up in a low rental apartment complex and when I switched to a middle school (on the ‘other side of the creek’) and my new friends (who lived in fancy houses) weren’t allowed to come to my place because of where I lived, something shifted.

On the one hand, I became driven to succeed. To have more space, more money, more respect. But the flip side of that coin was that I came to see the wealthy as judgmental, exploitative and greedy. I didn’t want to become one of ‘them’. And so started a contradiction that prevented me from attracting true abundance. As long as I saw wealth as an ‘us and them’, I set myself apart and repelled the very abundance I was seeking. It set up a pattern of unconscious self-sabotage.

Even though I built a successful law firm, it seemed that every time I reached a certain level of success, I plateaued. Or worse, something happened to set me back. Have you ever had that experience?

That experience is not surprising when you consider the Law of Attraction. Everything in this world is energy and everything vibrates. You attract what vibrates in tune with your personal vibration. If you’re not attracting what you want in your life, you need to change your frequency. Think of a radio. Every station has its own frequency. You need to dial in to the frequency (station) you what to hear and get the content you desire.

The same holds true for your desires in love or money and time freedom. There’s a specific vibration for those results. If your thoughts are about shame, fear, blame, guilt, judgment, or scarcity, imagine what your vibration will be. It certainly won’t be in sync with abundance.

If you’re vibrating at abundance, you will attract abundance.

True wealth isn’t simply attaining the economic milestones you desire. It’s experiencing an ongoing feeling of absolute abundance – emotional strength and happiness, gratitude for the privileges we share, opportunities to enjoy, have, do, be, and give so many things in life.

Most people don’t master the art of financial abundance because they don’t realize that riches don’t come from money. True riches only come from an affluent psychology. If you don’t practice the psychology that creates the wealth, you’ll never create lasting wealth and happiness. You need both to attain what you really want.

Creating that psychology of wealth starts with understanding the barriers that prevent you from taking advantage of all the opportunities available to you. Your vibrational frequency gets set by your subconscious beliefs. We all develop belief systems that do not serve us and/or that send us in conflicting directions. Some people call these limiting beliefs. Some call them money or abundance blocks.

Money Scripts

Financial psychologists, Brad and Ted Klontz, call them money scripts. They suggest there are 4 basic money scripts that people follow.

I           Avoidance:

Money avoiders typically have trouble sticking to a budget and avoid bank statements and the like. They tend to overspend and sacrifice their financial well-being for others. They may hoard. Essentially, money avoiders see money as bad, and as a result end up sabotaging their own financial success by pushing it away in an unconscious effort to have as little of it as possible.

II          Worship:

Money worshippers see money as the key to happiness and the solution to all their problems. However, they likely also believe you can never have enough money and, therefore, they will never be able to afford all the things they want in life.

III         Status:

People with money status scripts attach their self-worth to money. They see their value as determined by their net worth. They may overspend in an attempt to convince others they’re financially successful.

IV         Vigilance:

People who fall into the money vigilant category tend to be concerned about their financial well-being and so are watchful and alert. They likely believe you need to work hard for money, to save, and not give or be given handouts. But, money vigilants often have a hard time spending and enjoying the money they’ve saved.

Which money script do you follow?

Raising your awareness about your own limiting beliefs, blocks and scripts is a key first step to shifting to an abundance mindset. This series is designed to help you identify your hidden blocks and destructive unconscious belief systems and allow you to substitute them with more empowering beliefs that will elevate your vibrational frequency to attract unlimited abundance into your life.

In Part II, we’ll explore and deconstruct 8 abundance blocks that may be interfering with your ability to get what you want and desire. You won’t want to miss it!

What if the rise of the feminine voice was the key to our future?

Voice is said to be the most critical component of communication and communication is recognized as a necessity in this global world. Ideas, and how we communicate them are vital to our very survival today. Voice determines the way we’re perceived, understood, and treated.

Voice determines who gets heard. Voice determines both change … and lack of change.

So how did the world scales tip to such a state of imbalance?

All the world is energy. We all have masculine and feminine energies. And yet, the feminine voice has been discounted, and outright suppressed for generations.

It’s recent history that women secured the right to vote, hold property and even be recognized as ‘persons’ in the eyes of the law in some jurisdictions. Heck, in the history of our human experience, it’s relatively recent history that powerful women were burned at the stake as witches and men embracing their feminine strength were persecuted.

We bought into the myth that we live in a ‘man’s world’. We came to define success based on a ‘masculine’ model. So, maybe it’s not surprising that people hesitate to step into the full force of their feminine power. That both women and men eschew their feminine in favour of a ‘take no prisoners’ approach to life and business.

And so, we continue to tip the scales.

I was guilty of tipping the scales for many years. As an attorney, my clients called me Barracuda. They meant it as a compliment, and I’m now embarrassed to acknowledge that I wore it like a badge of honour for many years. I bought into the myth that toughness carried the day and that if I wanted to be heard, I needed to stifle my feminine.

And studies would suggest there was some truth to that. Women are still consistently talked over … in social settings, in boardrooms, even in the Supreme Court of the United States.

They actually painstakingly reviewed Supreme court transcripts and found that female justices were interrupted and talked over in significantly higher numbers than their male counterparts on the bench.

So perhaps you’ll forgive me if I thought my feminine energy was a liability. Note, this wasn’t conscious. It was the insidious nature of the unconscious gender bias that was so powerful … and dangerous.

If I asked you if you believe you’re biased against women, you’d probably deny it. And you’d almost certainly be wrong. Because we all carry deeply conditioned gender biases. And I’m not just talking about bias by men against women, but also by women against women. And even women against themselves.

Did you know that in a study of young women writing their SAT’s, where half the control group were asked to identify their gender in advance of writing the test – simply checking off if they were male or female – they performed more poorly?

Think about that for a moment. Think of the profound internal gender bias at play if simply bringing our attention to our ‘femaleness’ has us underperform.

In another study, participants were asked to select the best candidate for a job, and unbeknownst to them the top two resumes were identical except for the name – one was a male name, the other female. In overwhelming numbers both male and female participants chose the male candidate. Based on identical resumes.

Similarly, for decades, very few women played in professional symphonies. Gender bias allegations around the selection process were scoffed at. Yet when blind auditions were held women started getting selected.

As more people reject their feminine strengths in favour of masculine, believing that’s the only way to succeed, the world shifts out of balance.

What’s the impact of that?

Some say we’re now living in an era of the best of times and worst of times. Technological advances that would have been unthinkable not long ago are now commonplace. Our average cell phone is said to hold access to more information than J.F.K. had available as President of the United States.

We have such potential at our fingertips. And yet, suicide rates are at an all-time high.

Depression and anxiety as well. Across ages and cultures. We’re experiencing the effects of climate change … and now the chaos of COVID.

We have more communication tools and yet less connection.

More resources and yet we feel more helpless.

So what do we do? How do we take control of our lives when we have so little control over much of what happens around us? Maybe we can’t control what happens, but we can control how we choose to react, how we choose to show up, how we choose to negotiate this thing called life. And make no mistake. It is a negotiation. And it is a choice.

As an attorney for 30 years, negotiating high stakes deals in intense environments, I had an epiphany. I realized that all of life is a negotiation. And I’ve seen firsthand the costs when people don’t negotiate life on their terms.

So I researched and dug deep. And I asked myself, what if everything we thought we knew about negotiation was wrong. In fact, what if it was counter-productive?

And sure enough, when I examined the key skill sets that make and mark the most effective negotiators, it comes down to six elements.

• Assertiveness
• Rapport-building
• Empathy
• Flexibility
• Intuition
• Trust

I’ve created a simple mnemonic to help you remember.

A.R.E. F.I.T.

Just think, you ‘are fit’ to be a great negotiator.

Leaving aside, assertiveness for a moment, 5 out of 6 of these factors are typically considered ‘soft skills’ or ‘feminine traits’.

And even for assertiveness, the misconception is that people often conflate assertiveness with aggressiveness and assume this is not a feminine skill. They are not the same thing.

Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s that simple.

And besides, anyone who’s ever seen a woman step up to advocate for her child, or an aging parent, or any vulnerable person they care about knows they most certainly can bring assertiveness to the table.

My first whisper of what I’ve come to call the Art of Feminine Negotiation came when my daughter was diagnosed with a serious heart defect at only 2 months old and she needed open heart surgery. We spent almost 3 months in critical care in the Hospital for Sick Kids.

And if you ever thought there was a time that I’d bring my Barracuda to the table that would have been it … when we were negotiating for her life every day.

And yet, I didn’t.

I employed the A.R.E. F.I.T model before I’d even developed the concept. Every day in that hospital, operating solely on pure feminine strength and intuition I was building rapport, bringing empathy to the table, being flexible as the ground shifted beneath our feet from moment to moment, trusting my intuition and building trust with all the players. And was I assertive? You bet!

And against all odds and predictions, we were able to bring our beautiful daughter home and I’m happy to report she’s now 24 and has never needed surgery or even heart medication again.

For those of you who tap into your feminine, you already use these skills in a myriad of ways every day – you’ve likely just never thought about it as negotiation. And for those who tap into their masculine, these are skills you have – you just need to start using them with intention.

You’ve likely been conditioned to see them as signs of weakness.

I invite you to flip that perception. Turn that story upside down. It’s easier than you’d think to incorporate these elements to elevate your influence and persuasive abilities. Studies confirm that people who show up and invoke these so-called feminine skills in negotiating their lives get better outcomes, more creative outcomes, better buy-in, less conflict, longer lasting agreements, better relationships, and more positive impact – both personally and professionally.

The world is out of balance now. The feminine voice has been diminished and that imbalance is leading to chaos.

I invite you to close your eyes and imagine a world where we all negotiate life from a place of powerful feminine persuasion. Where we seek to build stronger relationships, not coming from a place of competition, not looking just to meet our needs, but also to understand and meet the needs of others, valuing and respecting our differences and stepping into the best of our humanity.

And the gift of that approach is that it will not only amplify your success in getting what you want and need, but will pave the path to create even better solutions than could have been anticipated from traditional models.

Imagine the ripple effects of a world where that became our new model for negotiating our lives?  The ripple effect of that kind of transformation cannot be over-stated.

I invite you to be the key to shift the world out of fear and uncertainty to powerful resilience and possibility. Because we all deserve that.

Emotions. They can sometimes get the better of you. Have you ever had emotion interfere with a possible resolution or interfere in a conflict situation? If you’re like most people, the answer is almost certainly ‘yes’. Some people believe emotion is a valuable tool in facing conflict while others argue that emotion has no place in negotiations. The truth is, if you are in a negotiating situation, emotions can be your friend or foe. In addition to material interests at stake in any negotiation, people also have emotional needs. So, ignore emotions at your peril!

According to The Harvard Concept, one of the critical factors in negotiation is that you need to separate the person from the problem. But how easy is it to do that? Whether you are negotiating over custody of your child or talking to your boss about your raise, you are emotionally invested. It’s hard to separate that.

How can this play out in a high stake’s situation? Chris Voss, a former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, discusses this in his book, Never Split The Difference. He quite rightly asks: “How can you separate people from the problem when people ARE the problem?”

Emotion can frequently derail communication. When your feelings are riding high in either direction, rationality may go out the window. A good negotiator sees emotion as the means to a successful negotiation, not something that is a hindrance.

Research done by The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the importance of emotion in the successful negotiation equation. The study analyzed the roles of anger and disappointment. Participants had to decide how many chips to distribute between themselves and a partner. Their partner had the option to either accept the offer or reject it. If they said no, neither of them received any chips. However, before participants made their offer, a computer told them (with a fake message) if their partner was angry or disappointed.

Traditional negotiations suggest showing disappointment is a sign of weakness that can be exploited. Your counterpart could potentially use it to make you accept a lower offer. But whether that happened depended on the relationship between the two people involved. If there was a connection, i.e., they knew each other, the disappointment provoked guilt. And it resulted in a higher offer. When anger was demonstrated, whether there was a connection or not, a higher offer was the end result.

A better and more measured approach is to look at your emotions as helpful rather than a hindrance. Daniel Goleman suggests in his book, Emotional Intelligence, you need to take into consideration the following aspects:

• Feelings – look at your own feelings and assess: what is making you angry?
• Thoughts – how are your feelings impacting your thinking regarding the negotiation?
• Behavior – how does your thinking control your behavior when involved in the negotiation?

The International Negotiation Authority backs this theoretical approach by suggesting extreme behavioral patterns can be useful. Why? Because you can draw conclusions on the thinking of your counterpart and the feeling behind their approach. If you provoke extreme behavior, you get them to show their hand. But it is important to remember you must remain courteous and respectful at all times when doing this.

If you’ve seen the film Dog Day Afternoon, you saw how harnessing emotion can give you the upper hand. In the movie, things are spiraling out of control for Sonny Wortzik (Al Pacino). The would-be-bank robber has no viable getaway plan, and he’s surrounded by cops. Backed into a corner, he’s threatening to kill his hostages. The negotiation with the emotional Sergeant Eugene Moretti (Charles Durning) had descended into rants and threats.

In steps FBI Agent Sheldon (James Broderick), who lays down the law. Noting Sonny’s anger and anxiety, he comes in cool and calm. Speaking firmly, Sheldon says: “No more favors, Sonny. That’s all over… I’d like to work with you on this, not against you… I wouldn’t like to [kill you], but I will if I have to.” He’s got his counterpart’s attention.

This example demonstrates how, when emotions are aroused, thinking logically can go out the window. But by being sincere and genuine, and keeping a cool head, Agent Sheldon is able to get things back in hand.

There is a school of thought that using a well-timed threat in negotiation can help give you an advantage. (It did in this fictional instance: “I wouldn’t like to [kill you], but I will if I have to.”) But it has to be handled with care and conscience. That may be well and good in a big business deal (although even then it’s not an avenue I usually suggest – anger and threats are never the best policy) but what if you’re dealing with something personal? Negotiating with your friends, your partner, or your children? This isn’t a sensible approach to take.

However, the power of silence is a great play. In a great scene from the popular comedy series 30 Rock, grumpy nanny Cerie (Katrina Bowden) gets Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) to double her pay for half the time. How? By not saying a word! Jack has his usual swagger at the outset. But by keeping quiet, he then loses control and caves in to her demands. He’s appalled at his own lack of negotiation skills: “I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. I spoke first, I smiled … I negotiated with myself!”

For more on how to use silence in negotiations, see my blogpost

So how can you use your emotion to your advantage? As a negotiator, you have to decide to use emotion or to let it use you. Sometimes it can be an effective instrument of persuasion. It can win support for your position. But it’s a risky proposition. Here are some do’s and don’ts you can use, which will help you keep control.

Negotiation Emotional Do’s And Don’ts

Do self-regulate

What is self-regulation? It’s your efforts to change your thoughts, emotions, and behavior so you can improve your goals, make better plans, and stop yourself from being influenced by the plans of those around you. For example, you could be dealing with the worry over overcoming your anger in the negotiation. Or you may be struggling with ‘low power’. If you have a weak BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), you could anchor your judgments and outcomes in a similar way. I discuss this technique in more depth in my programs. So, set yourself goals for the negotiation, identify what your counterpart is trying to achieve and understand THEIR emotions. Then you can manage the situation. Be adaptable in the process.

Do practice tactical empathy

If you can label your counterparts’ fears, you can disarm them. How do you do this? By saying to them: “It looks like you’re afraid of X” you can gain control. Another tactic is to list all the negative things they could say about you…and get to them first! By expressing these concerns, it will stop your counterpart from letting that negativity fester and will take away its power.

Do get them to agree with you

Convince someone you know what they want to get a breakthrough. Get them to say: “that’s right”. They’ll feel you are on the same page. You can do this by summarizing what they are asking for. If you do this based on their feelings, you create a subconscious realization in them, which confirms you have empathy with them.

Do let them think they are in control

If you want the upper hand in the negotiation, let your counterpart believe they are in control. If you don’t force them to admit you are in the right, your counterpart will think they have the power. You can do this by asking, “How?” and “What?” They then have to use mental energy to figure out the answer.

Do mirror their words

Mirroring automatically establishes a rapport with someone. You can do this by mirroring their body language, or you can do it verbally. Repeat their words back to them. They will then feel safe and are more likely to open up to you. You can also upward inflect like a question at the end of a sentence. This can slow the conversation so you can think more clearly about your answers.

Don’t go for a yes

People get defensive if they are pushed to say yes. In the legal world, we call it ‘cornering.’ Your counterpart will feel safer saying ‘no.’ You can ask, “is now a bad time to talk?” Note that there is some debate about this. Many negotiation educators will encourage you to always frame your questions to build a series of ‘yeses’ leading to the end result you want.

Don’t underestimate the role of emotional intelligence

We touched on emotional intelligence when discussing self-regulating above. It’s one on five elements of emotional intelligence – the others are:

• Knowing your emotions
• Motivating yourself
• Managing relationships
• Recognizing and understanding the emotions of others

You can learn a lot when you are looking at what’s NOT being said. This is a vast topic, and my programs look at these nuances, but in the case of negotiating and emotion, having the ability to accurately identify emotions (in oneself and others) and understand and manage those emotions successfully (or emotional intelligence) can aid your success when negotiating. If you are emotionally intelligent, you can create safe, functional, and relieving relations within their family, friends, and work.

You aren’t responsible for other people’s faults and feelings. And when you acknowledge that you will feel less guilty. Thus, you are more self-assured, and your counterpart has more faith in your proposal.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself before going into your negotiation to have strong emotional intelligence:

• What feelings do you want to have going into the negotiation?
• Why do you want those feelings?
• What can you do beforehand to ensure you feel that way?
• What could put you off balance during negotiation?
• If that happens, how do you recover your poise?
• How do you want to feel when the negotiation is over?

Don’t let yourself get thrown off balance in the negotiation

Everyone has a different ‘button’ or trigger which can throw them off course in a negotiation. While you may have unlimited patience, your counterpart may find it excruciating if talks go on and on. Can you think of a negotiating experience in the past when you were particularly annoyed? What was the reason? By analyzing that, you can establish what threw you off. And you can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

If you do get thrown off course, a great way to regain your composure is to take a break. This will enable you to clear your head. You are pressing the reset button in the discussion and disrupting the dysfunction. If you can’t leave, then change the conversation focus. An example is if the nuts and bolts aren’t fitting, look at the broader process regarding your negotiation. And by asserting control, you can get back IN control.

Don’t enter into the negotiation without thinking of your feelings at the end

You may say to yourself you want to feel “relieved” or “satisfied” by the end of the negotiation. If you enter into it with that attitude, it means you are accepting not everything in the process is within your control. But, you can recognize, manage, and learn from emotion. And you can also deepen your own emotional awareness and become more attuned to the feelings of others.

Athletes don’t just prepare physically; they prepare mentally by getting “in the zone.” By thinking about the goal, and the end result, they put themselves in a stronger position to achieve their outcome. So, make sure you prepare emotionally as well as substantively for any high-stakes negotiation. It will put you in a position of strength when you enter into the negotiation itself.

If you enjoyed reading this blog post, then check out how to flip your story and flip your life.

Famed political scientist Harold Lasswell once described power as the ability to decide “who gets what, when and how.”

Such a definition suggests there will always be someone more powerful than you. It could be your boss, or investors, or someone you want to do business with. There will always be someone who has something you want, and you must negotiate with them to get it.

So, when it comes to negotiations, you need to work out where YOU are situated on that power spectrum. For those of you who are lamenting that you are at the bottom end of it, fear not. There are many ways you can negotiate while still achieving your goals and keeping the relationship cordial between you and the other party.

Firstly, you need to delve into your psychology. While the person you’re negotiating with may be more powerful than you, if they have something you want, it doesn’t make them superior. It also doesn’t make them smarter, or their time more valuable than yours, or mean that they are more deserving of being heard.

This is where self-limiting beliefs can come into play.

Self-limiting beliefs are assumptions or perceptions that you’ve got about yourself and about the way the world works. They are “self-limiting” because they’re holding you back from achieving what you are capable of.

If you grew up in a neglectful environment, you may be more likely to have toxic beliefs about yourself.

But note that even if you grew up in a loving home, you can still end up with self-limiting beliefs. For example, parents who jump in to defend you from every enemy can leave you with the belief that you’re not capable of resolving your own problems. So, if you have this mindset going into negotiation against someone you believe to be more powerful than you, you are already setting yourself up for failure.

The way to get off this train of negativity is by not going into the negotiation with an adversarial mindset. If you let go of self-limiting beliefs, you will see yourself as your counterparts’ equal, then you can look at how to solve the problem together.

Let’s now look at ways you can take your negotiation forward and win when going up against someone or some business that is more powerful than you.

Five Tactics You Can Use to Negotiate With Someone More Powerful Than You

  1.   Control the Conversation by Using Framing

Framing is a technique that relates to how the way you describe your offer strongly affects how others view it. Framing is also how you can create a conversation around a specific point of the problem.

Did you know people tend to resist compromises — and to declare impasse — when these compromises are framed as losses rather than gains?

Here is an example: Suppose a company offers you, as a recruit, a $20,000 increase over your current salary of $100,000.

Now, if the offer is presented to you in that fashion, rather than as a $30,000 decrease from your request of a $150,000 salary, it seems much more appealing. Here, the company is focusing on presenting the advantage rather than the disadvantage. The salary increase is a gain. The fact it is less that you asked for, is a loss. This is how framing can change the way your negotiation is heard by the other party. Stressing what the other party would gain rather than lose can be an important use of framing in negotiation.

Another use of framing is using the “yes and yes” response. For example, you might be negotiating over a start date for changes to be made within a company. You say, “Do you want to start implementing these changes at the end of the quarter, or do you want to do it at the end of the month? Your choice.”

Those two last words are much more emphatic and certain than, “What do you think?”

  2.   Give and Give Again

When it comes to negotiation, it’s simply not the done thing to give things away. However, if you offer expertise and solutions, you will be seen as someone who is genuinely there to help. This does not mean give away what you are there to negotiate. Rather, it’s all about leverage.

Let’s look at the example of a vitamin water brand that is giving away free bottles of water — but when you are given one, you are asked to fill out a survey.

Compare this to being asked to “spare some change.” Which option are you more receptive to? They’re both pitching for your attention. And it would be less time consuming to hand over some change. The difference is you are getting something back in return for completing the survey. Being willing to give makes a difference in a power negotiation dynamic.

  3.   Be Firm and Use Gentle Strength

In my program Feminine Art of Negotiation, I discuss being assertive when it comes to negotiation. However, I also stress that you need to do this without resorting to aggression. This is where you can use gentle strength, which is when you know what your bottom line is and stand firm on it without being adversarial or abrasive.

This dovetails nicely into the importance of knowing your B.A.T.N.A (i.e., your best alternative to a negotiated agreement). For example, if you saw a pair of shoes you loved in one shop, you would go and check them out in another store to compare the price. However, you are also taking into consideration every other factor included in those prices. The cost to get to the store, are the shoes available immediately, are they in the color you want? This all plays into your B.A.T.N.A. What is the best alternative outcome for your purchase? I talk about this in my programs, and also in my blog post titled Know Your B.A.T.N.A. Before Bargaining.

  4.   Allow Yourself to be Underestimated — And Leverage It

Canadian journalist Malcolm Gladwell discusses in his book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants how a lowly shepherd boy defeated the biblical giant.

Their story is told in the Old Testament. Powerful warrior Goliath was said to stand more than 7ft tall. David was a small, skinny boy with no experience in battle. Their respective armies, to decide the victor and avoid widespread bloodshed, pitted the two against each other.

On first glance, you would cast Goliath as the victor, with his ginormous physique and heavy armor. However, what is not mentioned is that research has suggested it’s likely the giant was suffering from the hormonal disorder acromegaly, a condition associated with gigantism that also affects vision and can cause the afflicted person to see double. Plus, Goliath was expecting to face down someone like him in expertise and fighting strength.

What the giant perceived as weaknesses were ultimately David’s strengths. Nimble on his feet and with no heavy armor, he was well practiced at taking down lions with his slingshot. He was able to run at Goliath and was right under the giant’s nose when he took him down, with a stone hitting his forehead at what was estimated as the same force as a bullet. Goliath didn’t stand a chance. David was able to leverage what was perceived as weaknesses and use them to his advantage. They became his strengths that allowed him to win.

It can be intimidating to approach the negotiating table when you think you’re coming in as the weaker force. But by following these steps, you turn your vulnerability into a position of power.

Here’s an example: You have created a startup company that provides a communication system between organic farmers around the world to work together on fulfilling supplier needs, and you have been approached by an investor. However, the acquisition team is very shrewd, and they know they have the power of a conglomerate behind them.

In the instance of this company, they already have global networks in place, but not the technology to allow instant communication between them. Their team knows you want what they have, which is an investment.

One way to gain leverage is to see what their problem is and solve it. Put yourself in their shoes. During your meetings, ask why they are interested in your company. What do they envisage you can solve for them? What challenges are they facing that you can help with?

Know your worth and your worth to them. This puts you in a position of power irrespective of whether they are a multimillion-dollar company and you are a one-woman band.

  5.   Bring Them Around to Your Thinking 

This may appear to be a daunting prospect if your counterpart has more power. So, you need to create some bridges to connect both sides.

Going back to your startup, your counterpart already has an investment in the outcome, but you don’t want it to be an “us vs. them” competition. Instead, you need to make sure they see you are both in it together. So, point out what you both have in common.

The more things they know you have in common that demonstrate your worth, the smaller the power gap. It’s no longer “us and them,” it’s “us” and how you can make it work for “both of you.”

Remember, one of the worst things you can do is negotiate against yourself. Understand what you, your services, or your mission is worth, and don’t undersell or second-guess. If you aim high, you won’t be disappointed when you meet somewhere in the middle.

It would be wonderful if every time we went into a negotiation, it were an even playing field. But that’s not always the case. All too often, you find yourself heading into a negotiation where the other side holds more cards.

To move them closer to what you want, you’ll need to make sure they know what they are invested in. Help them get over their “us vs. them” thinking and instead start thinking about how the deal they want will impact your company. Appreciate the position the other side is in and show them some respect. The deal that you wish for will then come naturally.

In conclusion, you never need feel intimidated if you go into a negotiation with someone who you perceive to be more powerful than you. You have the ability and the skills to be successful in your argument and achieve your goal. And if you use these five tactics as and when you need them, you can feel confident in your success.

Gender bias is something that becomes ingrained in us from the moment we learn to talk. Some would argue even earlier!

When men and women interact, they use entirely different approaches. A lot of this stems from boys being brought up to believe bragging and asking for what they want is the way forward, while women are more self-effacing and nurturing. Parents are likely to be more protective of their daughters than their sons. And girls are encouraged to be seen and not heard as well as hold back from asking for what they would like.

Research shows that the concept of gender in children forms between the ages of 3 and 7. By this age range, kids have a firm subconscious idea of which jobs they should grow up to do as men and women. Also, by this time, girls have often already been negatively affected by gender interactions and boys’ masculine conduct in schools.

Boys are also exposed to competitive situations at an early age. They are usually encouraged to engage in Little League baseball, basketball, football, soccer, etc. These activities introduce boys to the “thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” during their formative years.

Meanwhile traditional girls’ games like jump rope and hopscotch are turn-taking games. By waiting your turn, you are subconsciously becoming deferential to others. Competition is also indirect, because one person’s success doesn’t mean someone else fails.

Fast forward to adulthood, and this is how that bragging and ‘put yourself forward’ attitude for the boys shows up in behavior and perception. Men, for example, typically talk for more extended times and interrupt more often. They are also more direct. Men are perceived as being more rational and logical. They emphasize the objective fact and are dominant and authoritative in their approach.

Women tend to be deferential and tentative in our speech patterns. This goes back to those stereotypes you’ve grown up with. Remember feeling bashful when you were given a compliment? Have you ever responded, ‘Oh, this old thing,’ when someone tells you they like your outfit? You put yourself down in deference!

As a woman, you likely use terms like ‘I think’ and ‘you know,’ so it sounds less forceful. You focus on maintaining the relationship, and you can be more passive and submissive. However, women are a lot more sensitive to non-verbal signals. So this gives you the advantage when you are negotiating.

We also see this gender bias in the media. Movies and TV promote the idea that being male is more valuable than being female. Boys learn early on to embody masculine traits and behaviors. Historically, girls and women have even been significantly less visible on screen than our male counterparts. Geena Davis had been doing some great work on this issue.

Let’s look at Disney movies as an example (which are a staple of the majority of children’s upbringing).

In many Disney characters, a woman’s appearance is valued more than her intellect, and women are helpless and in need of protection. They are also portrayed as domestically orientated and likely to marry.

In Sleeping Beauty, the first gift given to the baby princess is beauty. In Snow White, the Queen’s motivation to kill Snow White derives from her jealousy that she is the fairest in the land. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel wins the love of Prince Eric even after losing her voice.

While women are valued for both their appearance, intellect, and accomplishments, the message is that intellect cannot be appreciated on its own.

An example is Beauty and the Beast. Belle loves to read and is portrayed as independent. Her beauty is celebrated (“It’s no wonder her name means beauty–her looks have no parallel.”) but her intellect ridiculed. The town sings, “I am afraid she’s rather odd (for reading books and rejecting Gaston)–she’s nothing like the rest of us.”.

As a side note, overweight women are usually portrayed as ugly, unpleasant, and unmarried; Ursula, the sea witch, is large and scary, and the stepmother in Cinderella is overweight and mean.

These gender stereotypes don’t do men or women any favors. Research carried out by the Fawcett Society (the UK’s leading charity for gender equality and women’s rights) revealed. It revealed 51% of people felt constrained in their career choices, and 44% said it harmed their personal relationships.

In the survey carried out in 2019, over half the women who took part in the research said gender stereotyping negatively impacted who does the caring in their own family. Older women were particularly affected by this. 7 in 10 younger women, who were in the 18-34s, said their career choices were restricted.

Meanwhile, 69% of men under 35 who took part said gender stereotyping of children had a damaging effect on perceptions of what it means to be a man or a woman.

A real-life example of this internal gender bias is when you negotiate your salary. You are more likely to subconsciously ask for lower compensation if your firm’s representative is a man than a woman. And, given that, most of the time, someone in a superior role is a man, this dynamic plays out time and again. So how can you overcome gender-bias to your advantage?

Using gender bias to your advantage in negotiation

Know your own worth as a woman.

Men believe women should behave like ‘ladies,’ and being overly aggressive is seen as threatening and offensive in negotiation. And while I do not advocate using anger in your tactics, assertiveness can enable you to step into your power. You will find this is more effective as you will have control and demonstrate a firm but fair approach. You can be more empathetic to your counterpart.

Both sexes find it hard to use a retaliatory approach against you as a woman in negotiation. This knowledge gives you a bargaining advantage. Use your intuition to assess how to approach the scenario with this knowledge. Men also find it harder to act competitively towards women so leverage this yourself to get the result you want.

Assertiveness, empathy, and intuition are all part of my A.R.E.F.I.T model, which is one of my core teachings. (You can learn more about it if you check out my programs.)

Men (and women) also assume as a woman, you won’t employ tactics in your negotiation, because this is associated with men. Men and women who expect their female adversaries to behave less competitively and more cooperatively often ignore the realities of their negotiation encounters. You can use this knowledge as your secret weapon. Let them underestimate you.

As a woman, you may have feelings of inadequacy and check yourself because your counterpart is calling out what they deem as ‘behavior’ which is not acceptable for your gender. Don’t allow others to employ this belittling tactic. You have every right to use the techniques you think appropriate, regardless of the stereotypes they might contradict.

To your male (or female) counterpart, who raises a baseless objection to your conduct, if you are being assertive, you are involved in an interaction in which gender should be irrelevant. Tell them that politely but firmly.

If you’re interested in learning more about unconscious gender bias, check out my blogpost on this issue

Prepare 

You can guard against being taken advantage of in negotiation by engaging in thorough preparation and testing your counterparts’ claims. For example, if you don’t know much about cars and need to take yours in to be fixed, speak to people who know about the cost. Test the claim by talking to friends who know more about cars or getting a second opinion. (Of course, this advice applies to men who know little about cars as well!)

I discuss the best way to prepare for your negotiation in great detail, so you are in a position of strength in my programs. It is integral to you, ensuring you get the outcome you want.

This leads me into BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), another concept I deep dive into in my programs. It is defined as the most advantageous alternative that a negotiating party can take if negotiations fail, and an agreement cannot be made. Your BATNA is your option if negotiations are unsuccessful.

By knowing your BATNA and what alternative is best for you, you will get your best-negotiated outcome.

Be non-threatening

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg suggests combining your assertive message with smiles and friendly gestures. This doesn’t mean batting your eyelashes. It’s using the power of your femininity from a position of strength.

See yourself as your own advocate

Women negotiate more assertively when doing it for someone else. You feel more comfortable pushing for the good of others. And you actually NARROW the gender gap when doing so.

I advise you to negotiate as if you are advocating for someone else. If you have a child or a loved one in need, you would fight tooth and nail to get them what was necessary to make them happy. Afford yourself the same courtesy and recognize your inherent value.

In my Art of Feminine Negotiation program, I encourage you to harness the power of your momma bear. That bear cub inside you is hiding in the corner, thinking, ‘I can’t do this because when I was a kid, THIS happened when I put myself forward’. So bring out your inner momma bear to go into battle for the little bear cub that still lives in you!

Who can forget the hit ’90s TV show Friends? The sitcom ran for 10 seasons and followed the trials and tribulations of Monica, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. We laughed and cried along with them as this group of twentysomethings navigated their way through life in New York City.

One particularly amusing plotline was when Chandler began dating Rachel’s boss Joanna. Rachel was not thrilled and demanded they stop seeing each other. Chandler had other ideas and sneakily kept the relationship going. This culminated in him being handcuffed to Joanna’s desk, and Rachel discovering him there when she used her secret key to gain access to her boss’s office.

Consequently, there was a standoff. Rachel and Chandler both had something to lose — and something to hide. Who was going to win?

A two-minute negotiating scene ensued, with Rachel coming up with a variety of options for Chandler to stay handcuffed so that her boss didn’t discover she had access to the inner sanctum. Meanwhile, Chandler just wanted to put his pants on and leave!

What gets him over the line?

Rachel realizes she has the power to make or break Chandler’s reputation with the fairer sex.

She tells him: “I can be very generous or very stingy.”

Chandler responds: “Go on.”

Rachel says, smiling: “I can make you a legend.”

Not surprisingly, Chandler decides that having women think he’s got a lot to offer is worth being handcuffed to a desk sans pants for a few more hours.

In the Friends example, Rachel and Chandler were able to reach an agreement from which they both mutually benefited. And, let’s face it, negotiating with people you have relationships with is inevitable. However, there is an old Russian saying that translates to, “The best way to lose a friend is by bargaining with them.”

But should you try to stay away from opportunities to negotiate with friends and family? Nowadays, it’s even tougher to negotiate outside of your relationship dynamic, whether personally or professionally. In addition to the inevitable negotiations that regularly take place in any relationship, your business and social communities overlap to a higher degree than ever before.

From a professional standpoint, your business colleagues are friends on Facebook, and you follow each other on Instagram. This leads to you spending time together in real life. Having a good working relationship with a friendship basis is integral. If you are a business owner or entrepreneur, cultivating connections, a support system, and bringing in revenue can depend on the depth of your friendships with business colleagues. You don’t want to cut them off from that area of your life.

After all, if you didn’t negotiate with your friends, there would be very few people to actually negotiate with!

As women, we tend to make friends with our business colleagues, clients and contacts. But once your client becomes your friend, you become concerned about negotiating a good deal for yourself, because your perception is it could be seen as taking advantage. As women, we are also expected to be nurturing and caring. You are subconsciously afraid you will be creating an adverse outcome for the other party.

All this stems from your upbringing of being expected to always accept what you are given, be accommodating, and be seen and not heard. Studies show that from kindergarten, boys are encouraged to beat their chest and ask for what they want. By bragging and demanding, they can increase their social status. Meanwhile, social conditioning means it’s not the done thing for a woman to push hard. Young girls are led to believe they will be ostracized and excluded if they ask for what they want or show confidence in themselves. Instead, they are self-effacing. This follows through to adulthood. You are conditioned to expect exclusion if you step into your power.

It’s obviously more challenging to negotiate with someone you have strong emotional ties to. Why? Because they know you, they know how to push your buttons, and also what makes you tick. Your friends are also empowered to do and say things that people who don’t know you cannot do and say. They can step over the proverbial line as they have emotional ammunition. Someone you don’t have a relationship with doesn’t have that in their arsenal. This can lead to you being not as stringent in your negotiation process.

What are the unique issues that can arise when you have to negotiate with friends or those close to you? And what can you do to make the most of the pros and reduce the cons of the situation? What do you do if the negotiation goes wrong and the friendship goes south, or if the negotiation succeeds and one of you is left feeling ripped off? How do you avoid either you or your friend feeling like you have been taken advantage of?

What You Need to Remember When Negotiating With Friends

Know Your Belief

When you enter into a negotiation with a friend, be absolutely unshakeable in the belief that you can negotiate. You may be discussing a passion project or collaboration, but you don’t have to sacrifice what is true to you. When it comes to your business objectives and needs, if you are both playing fair in the arrangement, then you will both be on a level playing field.

One way to overcome any limiting belief of your success is to reframe your negotiation as a discussion, which can help you both engage more freely.

You also need to make sure you know your “why.” Think about how getting a win in this negotiation can change your life. This takes away the sensitivity of the topic itself (e.g., money) and instead channels into your deeper drives. What if this win means you can finally take that dream vacation? Or buy your forever home? Or give your child the horse-riding lessons they’ve always wanted? That gives you so much more impetus to be successful in your negotiation.

Always remember, both men and women have unconscious gender biases. They think you are less effective as a negotiator because you are a woman. And that doesn’t change even if you are friends. Understanding this unconscious bias is one of your secret weapons.

Respect Boundaries

When negotiating with friends, you need to make sure you are both clear about the negotiation purpose upfront. Lay out a framework of what is in bounds — that is, what you can discuss — and what is out of bounds. (I go into greater detail about how to prepare for your negotiation process in my programs.)

Of course, you will both know about each other’s personal life. While this can be potentially useful in making gains during your negotiations, it doesn’t mean you should use it. Manipulating someone on a personal level to achieve a better result for your deal is rude and not good business.

Once you have agreed on your boundaries, you must both hold fast to ensure you do not step over the line. If you and your counterpart set the ground rules, you can offset straying into territory that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. For example, don’t bring things that happened in the past into your current negotiation.

Don’t allow your friend to use red herrings as a ploy to gain an advantage over you. This is when your negotiation adversary is placing huge value on a particular aspect of the deal, but it’s actually a ruse to distract you from what you are discussing at that moment in the negotiation.

In the throes of negotiation, you can utilize body language as a signal. If your counterpart is closing off by crossing their arms, it may be an indication they aren’t happy with the topic you are discussing. It can also serve to tell you if they are trying to be manipulative.

You should also state how you want your relationship to continue after the discussion. You can use their body language as an indication they are happy with the outcome. If their words and body language match, you know your negotiation has been successful.

Be Mindful of Your True Personality and Negotiation Style

You may be a very different person in your personal and professional life. For many people, this enables avoidance of conflict. However, whether you are negotiating with a friend in a business or relational capacity, you need to be mindful of how you shift between the two. Your counterpart will be confused and aggrieved if you switch from your usual affable, warm self, to a cold, corporate crocodile. Negotiating is not about the bark and the bite. It’s not about getting in someone’s face.

An option is to use a more personal approach in the beginning in order to acclimatize to the discussion. Use your assertiveness, rapport building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. This A.R.E.F.I.T model is at the core of my teachings. And it will enable you to negotiate with intention. I go into more depth on what these are and how they can work for you in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program.

From the A.R.E.F.I.T model, the ability to build rapport and show empathy can be great assets when negotiating with a friend. Why? With a basis of rapport already established in your relationship, you wouldn’t have become friends in the first place! Hence, build on it further to achieve success in your negotiation.

Additionally, you have the ability to show empathy, because you know your friend. You can direct them toward the outcome you want while making them think it’s what they too want. Winston Churchill once said, “Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” As a woman, you are likely good at that already!

We also all have a natural negotiation style. This is entwined with what motivates you as a person. Here is a brief outline of what these motivation styles are:

Competing: The “I win, you lose” model — you do whatever it takes to reach your desired agreement.

Avoiding: The “I lose, you lose” model — if you use this, you dislike conflict and will talk in vague terms. You can often come off as passive-aggressive without realizing it.

Collaborating: The “I win, you win” model — you focus on making sure all parties have their needs met.

Accommodating: The “I lose, you win” model — this is not in your best interests when it comes to negotiating. You focus on maintaining the relationship.

Compromising: The “I win/lose some, you win/lose some” model — this is often confused with collaborating. You will often relinquish some terms in favor of gaining others.

When dealing with a friend, you should be mindful of how the way you negotiate is interpreted.

Also, you may find that as a woman, you will slip into mediation mode, in which we as caregivers automatically become mediators (how many of you have had to keep the peace between your kids?). This is another form of negotiation in many ways. Make sure you flip out of that mindset!

Share Your Control

Entering a negotiation, the one thing we usually do is attempt to take control. But when it involves a friend, you need to be more generous. It’s no longer just about swaying a point of view. You need to approach the situation with an understanding of their perspective. Why have they decided to adopt this position? Look at what they are saying from a neutral point of view.

However, this doesn’t mean you have to lose your assertiveness. Why is it that as women, we can bring our Momma bear to the fore when we are looking out for someone else, but not when it comes to looking out for ourselves? You no doubt have feelings of inadequacy and impostor syndrome when it comes to your own life, and when it’s a friend you are facing off against, it can be that much harder to be assertive for fear of causing hurt. Look inward and imagine you are negotiating for someone else. Or look at the bear cub inside you, which may still be feeling those hurts and hang-ups from when you were little, and bring that Momma bear to help YOU out!

Reserve Your Judgment

Be mindful of the outside influence other people can exert on the situation. Many conflicts arise with friends on a personal or professional level because there has been a misperception of what was said or done. Other people throwing their opinions into the mix often exacerbates this. If the negotiation is going sideways, stop any outside interference from those you have spoken to about the situation, or you could run the risk of deepening a divide between the pair of you.

If your negotiation hits a sticking point, you can use deflection to save the situation and the friendship. A third party can diffuse the tension. Invite an independent colleague to assist with an awkward conversation. Utilize “your team” as a buffer. For instance, you can say, “Your lawyer reviewed,” or, “Your wonderful expert negotiation coach suggested,” which is, of course, me! You don’t have to be sneaky about this. There may be areas in which you both feel the need to have a third party involved. Honesty and transparency are essential. And this way, you can explain what you want from the deal, but it’s not about you. And the third party cited will bear the brunt of any blame.

The Law of Reciprocity

When someone does something nice for you or to you, in return you should do the same in kind. The law of reciprocity is always at work. How does this play out with you and your friend? If you analyze this dynamic between you, you can handle how your negotiation might play out. For example, if you feel you are always giving and they’re receiving, you have a pretty good steer on how things are going to go between you.

Don’t Let Time Pass

We tend to hurt the ones we love. Be careful to not allow a negotiation to get out of hand when negotiating with a friend. If there are any misconceptions or a sense of wrongdoing resulting from your negotiation, address it as soon as possible. You had a good friendship before; don’t let go of that if your discussion goes awry. Be selfless in the process. It’s no good to win a battle at the expense of your friendship. Is there a qualifier here? It depends on how good your friend is in relation to the value of what you are negotiating!

If you liked reading this blog post, then check out my blog post on how to negotiate your personal confidence boost.

Nelson Mandela was arguably one of the greatest negotiators of the 20th century. In his country’s best interests, the anti-apartheid revolutionary bargained with a government that put him behind bars for 27 years.

Mandela hated the apartheid regime of institutionalized racial segregation. He could have decided to reject negotiating with what he no doubt perceived as a morally challenging and antagonistic adversary. And yet he was able to achieve what many believed was unthinkable, without violence and resistance, for the people of South Africa: He ended apartheid.

How different history would have been had Mandela decided he couldn’t find it within himself to negotiate with those who had caused him so much hurt and literally taken years of his life.

Another example of a great negotiator is Winston Churchill. He vowed he would never negotiate with those “boastful and bullying” Nazis. However, did you know that papers unearthed in 2004 revealed he did consider negotiating with Adolf Hitler when the Allied forces were being destroyed by German troops? Churchill allegedly thought brokering a peace deal would potentially bring less bloodshed.

So, what would make these two men even consider negotiating with such hostile adversaries?

Let’s talk about how you can go up against someone in a negotiation whom you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be difficult and inhospitable.

The Characteristics of an Antagonistic Adversary

There are usually some obvious signs someone is going to be antagonistic or competitive in a negotiation. Here is what to look out for:

• They are comfortable with intense conflict and competition
• They enjoy debating substantive issues
• They aren’t great listeners, because they often have a significant ego
• They are direct, and use a hostile tone as well as words and body language
• They are often impatient and aggressive in their offers and concessions
• They like to take control of the conversation
• They always want to win; losing is not an option
• They are very enthusiastic toward being competitive in negotiations
• They appear stubborn, arrogant and/or untrustworthy
• They can deal with high-risk and pressurized environments

An antagonistic adversary will think nothing of using leverage tactics including walkouts, threats, ultimatums and bluffing. An example of a negotiator using these types of tactics is President Donald Trump. During his time in office, he has shut down press briefings multiple times, thinks nothing of calling out people on social media with insults, and frequently uses ultimatums. Case in point, his unblinking, unwavering threats to ban video-sharing platform TikTok from the US.

Professor Robert Mnookin is chair of the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School. In his book Bargaining With the Devil, Mnookin states that people who demonize an adversary often resist negotiating even when it could benefit them.

So, how do you overcome that feeling of being defeated before you’ve even begun? And what are the best tactics to use when negotiating with an antagonistic adversary?

Techniques to Use When Negotiating with an Antagonistic Adversary

Firstly, be prepared and don’t talk yourself down before you begin.

Forewarned is forearmed, which is why being prepared is so important in this scenario. The more you know and prepare prior to a negotiation, the less likely you will be surprised. It will also improve your confidence in managing difficult negotiators. If it’s the first time you’re negotiating with someone, find out as much as you can about your counterpart. Has anyone else worked with them before? Does anyone in your network know them? What can they tell you about your adversary’s style? If a team is involved, who is on their team? What do you know about each team member?

Don’t be intimidated by your opposer’s reputation. Girls are told from as young as age three that they cannot put themselves forward. That inner critic is the stereotype you have grown up with whispering in your ear. Don’t listen to the voice in your head saying you aren’t strong or capable enough.

Instead, harness your feminine power. You can utilize your attribute of being a good listener in this scenario. Antagonistic negotiators love to talk and persuade. So let them! In fact, encourage them and implement active listening techniques so you can acquire as much strategic information as possible before you start negotiating.

Preparation is essential. But as well as research, you may find you’re able to get information directly from your counterpart.

Know Your ‘Why’

When you negotiate, you need to know your “why.” Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. You need to tap into your motivation. If you have emotion and a drive attached to it, you will be more directed to your commitment and resolution. This doesn’t mean for you to get emotional. Rather, it means use that reason to drive your negotiation.

Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives a given negotiation.

However, as well as knowing your “why,” it’s essential to know that of your counterpart. Why are they negotiating — especially when they are antagonistic? Once you understand that, you can anticipate, prepare and then potentially undercut them. I examine this in greater detail in my programs, and in particular, my free e-book, 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiations.

Let’s look at your why in terms of negotiating a salary increase with a less-than-amicable boss. Think about why you want the salary increase. It’s almost never just about the money itself; it’s about what that money represents.

Is it to get a bigger house? Is it to be able to go on vacation twice a year? Look at the more significant motivation. Women often struggle with the idea of wealth and money. Knowing your “why” will reframe it for you. Now, why would your boss say no? Because they could lose their job if they can’t make salary cuts? Or they need to come in under budget so they can get a bonus to go on their own dream holiday?

Be Focused and Calm

Remain focused on your objectives, and don’t let your counterpart’s styles and behaviors take you off track. Take the view that the style being used by the difficult negotiator results from past learning. They use it because they believe it has worked for them in the past and will work for them now.

No matter how your counterpart acts, or what strategy they use or what behavior they demonstrate, you need to stay in control and be calm. This is especially true when you feel blindsided or surprised. If you react without thinking — in anger or with heightened emotion — you will almost certainly regret it later.

Before your negotiation session, prepare yourself to be calm. You can do this by running through scenarios in your head. This is a technique utilized by athletes, who visualize each part of the race and anticipate the favored outcome.

Take your time to imagine what you will say and how your counterpart might respond. What will you do and how will you deal with each of the possibilities? Run through the scenarios to see if they trigger an emotional response from you. What would you do or say if that happens? This also enables you to avoid the feeling of regret when the negotiation is over. Thinking about it in advance will help you control yourself in the room. You won’t be thinking about what you should have said and done because you prepared your reactions in advance.

Don’t be afraid to admit to what you want, stick to it, and be blunt.

If you go into a negotiation thinking, “Oh, no, if they find out what I want, that gives them the power to say no,” then you must change your narrative. Instead, think to yourself, “Telling them what I need gives them a reason that they have to give me what I want. If they can’t give it to me, then we can’t make a deal.”

An antagonistic adversary appreciates strength. Standing firm will gain their respect. Don’t allow them to steamroll you. If you do, they’ll come at you again and again. Instead, require a reasonable rationale before moving forward and insist on reciprocity. If they’re tough, you need to be assertive in an equal or more considerable measure.

However, you should always be unconditional, constructive and respectful. That doesn’t mean that we let others walk all over us. Assertiveness is one of the qualities I extol in my A.R.E. F.I.T. model at the crux of my teachings in my negotiation programs.

I’ve had people try to steamroll and bully me in negotiations. A few even tried physical intimidation. Calling them out on the tactic usually served to defuse it. Most tactics lose power when identified. Or sometimes, I simply smiled and kept repeating my position calmly, over and over. This usually causes increasing frustration with an antagonistic counterpart and gets them off their game, so they lose their edge or advantage, or it causes them to give up the point, recognizing that you’re not budging (or buying into their approach).

Be Flexible and Highlight Your Leverage

Have you heard the saying, “Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better”?

As a woman, you are likely a great listener, and listening is vital when negotiating with someone antagonistic. There’s a good chance, if you have gained their trust (and you should be able to do so by using empathy and intuition), that your counterpart will reveal something that will make you better off than you expected to be. Antagonistic negotiators aren’t afraid to talk directly about leverage. If you have something that fulfills their needs, point it out matter-of-factly as you and your adversary discuss both your needs and their alternatives.

Put Your Needs in Their Words

An antagonistic negotiator loves to hear what they want. If you express what you want in terms of their needs, they will be far more open to listening. What do they really need? For example, don’t say, “I want X amount because I think I deserve it/I’ve been working too much overtime.”

Instead, say, “I need X salary because that will enable me to fully apply to the project you want me to do/Will help the whole department get stronger and compete for resources within the company.”

Check Out Other Options

If you have a plan B, then you aren’t as desperate to achieve a set result. Look at what other options you have if you don’t get what you want — this will give you confidence.

In negotiation, this is where BATNA comes in — your best alternative to a negotiated agreement. I discuss this in greater detail in my post, know your BATNA before bargaining.

Create a Time Frame

It is very important to know exactly when the negotiation is starting. Timing can make or break your success in negotiation. When your counterpart is gunning for you, they are likely to be like a bull out the gate with their process. This means you could be in the path of a wrecking ball before you even realize it! Take control and lay the foundation to stop that happening. Remember when you were a child and would wait for Mom or Dad to be in a good mood before asking for something that may cost them money, like a new toy or a trip somewhere fun? If either of them was in a bad mood, intuitively you knew it was the worst time to ask.

Always consider the time of year you are carrying out your negotiation. If you are going for a pay increase or raise, it’s not wise to do it just after there have been cuts! What time is best for you to get the most out of your negotiation? Is it the morning or the evening? What about your counterpart? Be tactical and be deliberate.

When it comes to your negotiation, make sure you are on the same page. If you think, “This will be 20 minutes,” and they come back and say, “This will be 20 weeks,” you have a mismatch. Agree your timeframe first, and don’t be frightened to call out your counterpart if they don’t honor it.

In conclusion, when you’re facing an antagonistic adversary, the best way to tackle your negotiation is to:

• Be prepared and research your counterpart
• Make sure you are laser focused on your “why” so you can tailor your negotiation to realizing your goal
• Stay focused and calm when you are bargaining with them
• Always try to put yourself in their shoes. What do they want? Then you can reframe your points to make them feel like they’re getting what THEY want
• Stay strong and so that you can achieve the outcome you want, highlight your leverage
• Make sure you always have a plan B. You should never be frightened to walk away
• Lastly, put a timeframe on your negotiation so that you have an end in sight. This gives you control

By taking this advice to heart, you’ll be surprised at how easy your next negotiation will be, even if your adversary has a tough reputation.

If you liked this blog post, be sure to read how to effectively use concession in negotiations.

What is a self-limiting belief? It’s a hidden script, playing in your subconscious mind that runs your life without you even realizing it.

Self-limiting beliefs are those things about yourself that you believe to be true, which are setting limits on your abilities. They are whispering to you that something isn’t true, that it isn’t achievable.

Your self-limiting beliefs stem from your preconceptions and are generated by your life experience.

You may not even know what your self-limiting beliefs are. But you know something is nibbling away at you as you struggle to make something happen, which for some reason you just can’t.

In the case of negotiation, you may be trying hard to reach a result that just isn’t happening. A self-limiting belief is the likely culprit.

In order for your actions to have the most significant positive effect, you need to have beliefs that inspire you and won’t hold you back. Dream big! Limiting beliefs could mean that you never fulfill your goals and dreams.

Why are self-limiting beliefs so destructive to your negotiation success? Because the MEANING you attach to your thoughts determines your emotions — and your emotions determine your behavior. This is what you act on and how you react.

The things that you say to yourself can be the No. 1 support tool you have to guide you toward your goals and dreams. When you don’t believe you can do or achieve something, the bottom line is, you won’t.

Before we dive into how you can overcome your self-limiting beliefs in negotiation, you need to know what they are. Here are some common examples:

• You are unlovable

• You will never be a success

• You will be a failure

• You don’t deserve/you are not worthy of success

• You fear you aren’t good enough to achieve what you want

• Others are holding you back

• Everyone worthwhile will hold you back — this thought generally leads to the avoidance of relationships or to people-pleasing behaviors

• You believe there are negative attributes assigned to being rich/having money. For example, “I’ll never be able to run my own business/I’ll never earn as much as [insert large sum of money],” or you think people with money are greedy/selfish

• The belief you aren’t capable of greatness, or that you are destined for mediocrity and so you shouldn’t aim too high

• You think you have to work very long hours with vast amounts of effort for your money

How Are Self-Limiting Beliefs Formed?

Let’s look at the science. Your brain forms actual information superhighways and electrical impulses called neurolinguistic pathways. These are the bridges between your experiences and emotions, habits, behaviors and thoughts. They provide a reference point. These are all formed when you are very young, between birth and the age of seven years old.

When you’re a baby, you’re a clean slate; you don’t have memories or a so-called manual installed. You then start to learn everything. Your subconscious creates these pathways so it can keep you safe. As you grow, you are taking on board information about what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is safe and unsafe, what is relevant and not valuable. Your brain would be exhausted if all of this processing were floating around 24/7. So, it stores it away in your subconscious as a guide.

This is how it manifests in your everyday life. Your reactions are generally formed around fear. For example, if you touched a hot cooktop on a kitchen stove, that would have hurt, causing pain and fear reactions. Your brain would then tell you it’s inappropriate to touch a hot cooktop, so you know not to do it again.

You might have been bullied at school. It could have been because you spoke up. Your strong emotional response and the pain it caused tells you this was an important experience. Your brain then creates a rule around this belief, and it looks for evidence to support that response. Your emotional wellbeing was threatened and subconsciously you are being told, “Don’t go there.”

Let’s be clear, your subconscious does this to protect you. But it doesn’t always work like that. It overrides conscious thought, and this is where the problems arise. For example, you may read a blog that tells you as a woman, you have the power to negotiate for a higher salary, and explains how to do that. But even though you’re saying, “Yes, I can do this,” your subconscious is going back to when you put yourself out there when you were a child (you could have been in the playground and got bullied) and is saying, “Uh-oh, red alert, you can’t do that.” Your subconscious is tough to convince, and it will put the block on your behavior in a bid to protect you.

Your subconscious self-limiting beliefs are why you don’t follow through on a goal or you feel blocked by the universe when you’re manifesting. So, how does this work when you are negotiating? Here are some self-limiting beliefs that could be holding you back and how to overcome them.

Self-Limiting Beliefs You Can Overcome to Succeed in Negotiation

I’m Not Worth It/I Don’t Deserve It

If you walk into a negotiation believing you don’t deserve to win, you have stacked the odds against yourself from the outset. The “I’m not worth it” mantra you hear in your head could apply to any scenario:

• “I’m not worth that pay raise”

• “I’m not worth that promotion”

• “I don’t deserve that vacation”

• “I don’t deserve to be treated with respect”

• “I’m not worth having a loving partner/kids/family life”

How can you convince someone else of your value if you don’t believe in it yourself?

Before you enter the negotiation, strike a power pose for two minutes. When you adopt a power pose, you take up a lot of space and hold your arms and legs away from your body. For example, with the Wonder Woman power pose, you stand with your feet apart, your hands on your hips, your chin tilted upward.

Then spend at least five minutes listing how darn amazing you are. To do this, you must first shift into a positive mindset. For more long-term background preparation, spend five minutes every day telling yourself:

“I am worthy of [insert what you want, e.g. ‘earning a six-figure salary’] and I am capable of achieving this. The path is wide open for me to succeed.”

Never underestimate the power of positive thought. You need to develop new neural pathways so that your brain will stop with the subconscious negative talk. The way to do this is to uncover those self-sabotaging stories you’ve been telling yourself, then flip that story.

Challenge the truth of the beliefs underlying your negative narrative. Choose a more empowering way to visualize and tell the story. Simply flip your negative frame to a positive one. For example, “I never get a lucky break,” becomes, “I make my own luck and grab opportunities that arise.” Change your thoughts, change your life.

I explore this in more depth in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program, where we look at how you can kiss goodbye to these self-limiting beliefs.

Gender-Specific Limiting Beliefs Around Negotiation

As a woman, when you negotiate, you are prone to believing the following because of your gender:

• This is going to be a disaster

• Rewards only come if I work very hard

• It’s no big deal to negotiate for my salary

• I can’t negotiate

• Negotiating might hurt my relationship with this person

• If I try to negotiate, I will be seen as aggressive or as a bitch

Here’s how to deal with these.

Firstly, instead of believing you are facing a disaster, rewrite the script and tell yourself that it’s an opportunity. Look at how this can work for you, and then rephrase it so it sounds like you are doing your counterpart a favor with your proposal. It’s all about reframing in your mind and in theirs in a positive vein.

Next, the self-limiting belief rewards only come when you work hard. Think back to all the work environments you’ve been in. How often have you thought to yourself, “Why did they get the promotion? They don’t do anything! I work really hard!” And how many times have you seen a man promoted when they do precisely the same tasks as you? The likelihood is, in both those instances, they have simply put themselves forward.

Did you know that studies suggest men will apply for a promotion with only 20 percent of the listed qualifications? Meanwhile, women with 80 percent of the listed qualifications won’t apply, thinking themselves unqualified. Don’t listen to the voice that embedded itself in your head in childhood that has been telling you to keep your head down. As they say, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. If you don’t speak up, you won’t get noticed or have your efforts recognized. You have to advocate for yourself.

Moving on, why would you think it’s no big deal to negotiate for your salary? Did you know that staff turnover costs employers 100–200 percent of the leaving employee’s salary? That’s from placing the job advert to successful onboarding. Some research even puts this as high as 400 percent! (This is a nifty fact to take to the negotiation if you are looking for a raise.) So, it IS a big deal, especially for your boss, if they face losing you.

Next, you may believe you can’t negotiate and that there’s no point to doing so. Women tend to operate from a “playing small” mindset. You think of your business as a side hustle, while men think of ventures in terms of enterprises. Women also think their success comes from luck or a helping hand from someone else. The skill of negotiation is not something you are born with; rather, it’s something you can learn. And you will find you’ve been doing it without even realizing.

Your feminine attributes — which include your ability to listen, build rapport, be flexible, intuitive and empathetic — mean you can be a great negotiator. If you’ve got kids, how many times have you stepped in to break up an argument by offering a negotiation to stop the tears and tantrums? What about when you ask your kids to do something: “If you clean your room now and do your homework, then we can look at your staying up for an extra hour.” That’s negotiation!

Finally, as a woman, you believe negotiation will hurt your relationship with this person. The answer here is, not if you do it right. Women typically put others first by nature, and in fact, it’s better to tackle something head-on than let it fester. Having a meaningful conversation about something that has the potential to turn into a problem stops it from becoming a problem. As a woman, you have the built-in skills to be a great listener and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Yes, there may be an uncomfortable moment, but better to have a small, uncomfortable moment than a long period of anxiety.

There’s No Such Thing as ‘Can’t’

The most common and destructive, self-limiting belief is that you “can’t” do something. You leave yourself no other option. There is no such thing as “I can’t,” and this is because you always have a choice. Whenever you hear yourself say, “I can’t,” immediately remind yourself that you always have options.

In conclusion, think about this: If your beliefs have such a powerful influence on your results, how much more significant would your personal potential be if every belief you had completely supported and nurtured you?

And on the flip side, think about how you are sabotaging your progress and success if they don’t. That’s why it’s essential to overcome your self-limiting beliefs and realize your true potential in negotiation.

If you liked this blog post, then check out my series on how to negotiate your personal confidence boost.