Most people, at some point, have a craving for unhealthy food. With their internal conscience, they try to dissuade themselves from choosing the ‘wrong’ option. But as they appeal to self-interests, they end up with unhealthy outcomes. This habit is called self-negotiation, which is a sabotaging tactic that keeps us resisting change, even when we want to improve ourselves.

People who self-negotiate often use their own internal arguments as an excuse not to work towards a goal, rather than as a reason for it. It’s unsurprising why fitness and health are one of the most put-off goals that people set because of self-negotiation, which is especially evident in gym attendance dropping off over the course of a year.

In one study, the percentage of new members who attend fitness organizations dipped to 50% in the sixth month and 22% by month 12. Rather than allowing yourselves to sabotage your own efforts, it’s essential that you learn how to negotiate better with yourself. Through these tips below, you can improve your self-negotiation tactics and use them not as excuses but instead as motivators to work toward your desired health targets.

Reframing your diet mindset

When it comes to dieting, people may have a tendency to negotiate with themselves and think they can eat more today because they exercised or will exercise the next day, but then don’t. These seem to be the cause of failure, however, negotiations based on calories aren’t effective either. As some of the best weight loss programs have come to learn, calories don’t tell the whole story when it comes to nutrition.

You also need to consider protein, fiber, sugars, and fats in your diet for a healthier pattern of eating. Rather than making excuses and limiting yourself, you can reframe your choices to more positive outcomes. For example, instead of thinking, “If I eat that cookie, I’ll get fat.” — it’s better to reframe it as “This food looks good, but I also enjoy feeling good when I feed my body healthy food like this apple.” By changing your mindset, you can better convince yourself to make the healthier choice.

Track your habits and behaviors

When you set mental goals for yourself, it can be easy to change them at the last minute because they are too difficult to achieve. Desiring big outcomes is good but often, self-negotiation kicks in to persuade us to take the easier, but not necessarily healthy, choice. Instead, it’s more effective to physically note and work towards smaller targets.

As the saying goes, “What gets measured gets done.” You can start off by writing in a journal what you plan to achieve in health: your desired fitness level, the average amount of sleep per day, or your resistance to stress, to name a few. When you’re faced with a poor choice, you can go back to these goals and use them to redirect yourself back on the right track. This lets you think beyond your present thoughts and reminds you to stay accountable for your goals.

Reduce or make self-negotiation easier

Depending on your personality and willpower, self-negotiation can be a great way to convince yourself to do a task you wouldn’t otherwise commit to. However, there is always the possibility that you will lose these negotiations. Reducing the need to self-negotiate can discipline you and ensure you attain the results you want, especially your health goals. One of our tips for negotiating balance is to control your environment. You can start by eliminating physical unhealthy factors such as junk food and replace them with healthier alternatives like fruits and home gym equipment. Alternatively, you can also add more positive influences in life that inspire you to reach your health targets. Even if you haven’t built the habit of taking the healthier option yet, your environment can encourage you to achieve your best potential and reduce the need, or make it easier, to self-negotiate.

Can colour affect your negotiations?

What was the first thing that came to your mind when faced with this question? Was it wardrobe choices? Room colour? Colour of your skin? The colour you bring to the table when negotiating? There are layers to this conversation and it’s a subject worth examining. In unpacking the issue, we may be able to discover how to use colour as your secret sauce to better negotiation outcomes.

Not long ago we were bombarded with purported new ‘shocking evidence’ about how colour can impact negotiations. Everyone rushed to change their wardrobe to maximize their effectiveness as a negotiator. While there is some merit to this science, I believe there are broader social implications to colour and in this article, I’d like dig deeper on the concept. Let’s explore the impact of the colour of our skin and our ‘personal’ colour.

In an ideal world, the colour of our skin wouldn’t matter. But the sad reality is that it still does – in terms of process, relationship and substantive outcomes. Simply looking at the continuing pay differential for white vs black vs First Nations vs Latino women dispels any notion that colour is irrelevant today. We still have work to do on this front.

While it’s unfair, the reality is that women of colour often feel the need to be more conscious about how they show up, as they’re perceived and judged differently. When legitimately advocating for themselves, they’re often unjustly labelled ‘angry black women’ or some such unflattering moniker. These stereotypes continue across the colour spectrum and can adversely impact on negotiation outcomes.

Even negotiating for access can be more challenging for persons of colour (and women of colour in particular). Getting a seat at the table can be affected by your colour. And for people for whom English is not their first language, the barriers can be even higher. They’re often not even given the time or space to put their thoughts together to express their views. This is an unfortunate loss in the bargaining process as valuable perspectives are ignored and lesser outcomes achieved as a result.

In addition to consideration of what biases you may face, it’s also important to be aware of what biases you may bring to the table. We often go into negotiations making assumptions about the other party and in so doing we limit our effectiveness and ability to secure best outcomes. Likewise, we often make assumptions that the other person will discount us or not show up with partnership perspective. In bringing these biases, we miss opportunities as it narrows and compromises our perspective-taking ability.

Another element of colour that’s worth exploring is the individual ‘colour’ or personality you bring to negotiations. Do you feel comfortable to show up as your full authentic self? Or do you rein in certain qualities to meet expectations (real or perceived)?

Women are more likely to modify their behaviour to meet expected social norms. They fear (with good reason) being judged as ‘too emotional’ or ‘too demanding’. They may demure and soften their pitch and/or approach, ask for less, or play to egos in the room. At the other end of the spectrum, they may overcompensate, bringing masculine energy to the table that doesn’t reflect their authentic style, believing that’s the only way to be heard or succeed.

Many so-called experts advocate for women to modify their behaviour and employ ‘workarounds’ to avoid push-back based on societal expectations. I do not subscribe to this theory. I think it perpetuates the stereotypes and entrenches the problem. If we want meaningful change, we need to start talking about the elephant in the room and coax it out of the corner and into the light.

I believe we’re better served by showing up in our full authenticity and in so doing start to break down ill-informed barriers and expectations. We get what we tolerate in life. If we continue to tolerate discrimination, we will continue to attract it.

Instead, as per the first ‘W’ of my signature 5W model – ‘who’ – I invite you to consider, with intention, who you want to show up as in every negotiation. Choose the power of your authentic self, showing up in your full technicolor.

Part IV of the ‘How to Negotiate Effective Relationships with Mentors and Sponsors to Advance Your Career’ series

Many key roles make up the constellation of relationships that can help catapult your career.  Effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies, coaches and connectors is one of the fastest ways to launch your career, yet they are often misunderstood or overlooked altogether. This mini-series is designed to raise your awareness about how to find mentors, sponsors, allies, coaches, and connectors, and how to use them to advance your career.

In Part I of this series, we highlighted the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies, and coaches. In Part II of this series, we talked about how to find mentors to boost your career. In Part III of this series, we talked about how to find sponsors to turbo-boost your career.

Today, for Part IV of this series, we are going to break down what allies, coaches and connectors are and discuss how to use these relationships to get maximum benefit. These are the three most-oft ignored assets in relationship-building to build a career. Understanding how these 3 roles differ from one another can be key in getting you better opportunities and propelling your career to new heights.

What is an Ally?

Having allies in the work field is essential when trying to work your way up the ladder. Allies are individuals or groups of people that rally to support you.  Allies back you up and help enforce your ideas. They may offer assistance, support, or friendship. This support may be for a specific project or issue or can be more general or broad-based in the workplace.

By way of example, if you have an issue coming up at work to effect a change in approach or philosophy, and you expect there will be resistance to the idea, it can be a game-changer to solicit allies in advance of the proposal. Having others reinforce the strength of the idea can offer increased leverage and pave the way for easier acceptance, making the difference between rejection or adoption of the proposal.

Likewise, in situations where your ideas are consistently being taken by others in the boardroom and/or you’re not getting the recognition you deserve for your contributions or ideas, having allies in the room who can speak up is invaluable. i.e. “Thanks for picking up on Cindy’s idea, Sam. I agree she’s raised an important point.”

Having allies helps with confidence because you know they have your back, and there is strength in numbers.

How to Find an Ally and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

Allies can be a wide range of people who can offer you support in one way or another. They could be your colleagues, your manager, or a resource group where members support your ideas. Many alliances happen organically, where you bond and form relationships naturally through shared interests or goals. If you want to seek out an ally, it is important to get to know people in your network and build those relationships, to increase likelihood they will naturally become allies. It is also important to be an ally to others. The more connections you make and people you have backing you, the more likely your ideas are to be heard, which can help boost your career.

What is a Coach?

Coaches are often confused with mentors but there are distinct differences. Coaches teach others and provide them with guidance to help them grow. They provide knowledge and tools for the people they are coaching and help them perform to the best of their ability. Coaches give feedback and help you get tangible results.

A coach will typically provide a thought-provoking experience that helps you to see your own goal and maximize your potential. A coach tends to be a more short-term relationship, with a specific outcome in mind. These outcomes can involve both ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ work. In other words, coaches can be invaluable in assisting with the mindset work necessary to allow you to step into the most powerful version of yourself. They can also offer new skills and expertise as well as tips and tricks to fast-track your progress. With the right coach, you can cut years off the learning curve so they’re worth their weight in gold.

How to Find a Coach and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

 A coach may be somebody that is in your network already. Coaches are usually experts in their field. They may already be in your network, or you can seek out experts in your field outside of your network. There are exceptional coaches available for hire, either for one-on-one coaching experiences or as part of a group coaching experience or program.

If you can find a coach who has expertise, reputation, and is able to provide the tools you need to improve your skills, this could be a big step in personal and professional growth and could help boost your career.

What is a Connector?

Connectors are people who may not help you directly but can help connect you with other people who can benefit you in your career. A connector may be someone who has a lot of connections, and who is good at networking. Connectors can help boost your career by introducing you to people who may become mentors, sponsors, allies, or coaches.

How to Find a Connector and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

The best way to find Connectors is to expand your network and meet new people. The more people you know, the more likely you are to meet people that can connect you to the people that can help boost your career. It is important to network and go to events to make these crucial connections.

Having the knowledge about what each of these roles are, the benefits of having them, and how to find them is sure to be a step towards advancing your career. And, as always, it’s critical to be intentional about seeking out these valuable supports and building your ‘team’ to catapult your career and success.