Category: Entrepreneurship

We’ve all heard the expression ‘Negotiate as if your life depended on it’, and at some point felt like we were negotiating for our life. I had the pleasure of interviewing Alam Ghafoor, who literally had to negotiate for his life, after being wrongly accused of terrorist activities, hooded, dragged away at gunpoint and held captive for weeks.

I’ve interviewed and shared tips from hostage negotiators before, but today I get to share a rare glimpse into negotiating on the other side – from the perspective of the hostage or prisoner. I’m confident you’ll come away with some valuable insights about how to up-level your negotiations based on lessons Alam learned through his harrowing experience.

Alam had been retained to revive a stalled high profile real estate negotiation in Dubai. While eating dinner with a few friends he was called out into the hotel lobby to speak to someone. Within seconds, his pockets were emptied, he was pushed out of the hotel at gunpoint, hooded, and thrown into a car to be driven off into the night. After being dragged out to the desert, his hands and feet were cuffed to a chair, he was punched in the head and met with a barrage of voices screaming at him in multiple languages and dialects.

To his utter disbelief, he was told he was part of a terrorist cell and responsible for the London bombings. For two weeks after that he was sleep deprived, subject to physical and mental abuse, and interrogated around the clock by multiple interrogators who threatened death in a variety of creative ways. He was repeatedly reminded that nobody knew where he was. He had dropped off the face of the earth.

At first, Alam acknowledges he felt hopeless, defeated and sorry for himself. He believed he was imminently about to be executed. He thought he might combust as his insistence that this had to be a case of mistaken identity fell on deaf ears. Then he thought of his 4 year old son, his mother with a weak heart, the impact on his family of being unjustly labelled a terrorist, and he realized he needed to change his mindset and his approach. He made a decision that he was not going to die on his knees, begging for his life.

Our mind can be our best friend or worst enemy. What we choose to take on board will either defeat us or help us survive. Staying in the fear and playing out worst case scenarios in our mind can be as bad as what’s to come. Alam decided that ‘whatever comes will come. Whatever the body can take it will take’. There were certain things he had no control over. He chose to accept those and focus on what was within his control. Then fear couldn’t be used against him as manipulation point.

Alam realized that while he was physically locked up, he still had control over his own mind. He decided to draw on his skills to understand people, including linguistics, body language, personality profiling, etc. to figure out how to get into the heads of his captors. He tried to goad them into getting him on TV so he’d be visible. He decided to use fear against them. He watched the interrogation teams to see who he could influence, how he could plant doubt, who he could play against each other.

Alam made it a point to watch, listen, and notice – to pay attention to little things that he could use to gain some traction. He made it a point to notice the power dynamics, consider how he could use ego to his advantage, how he could plant seeds of doubt. He asked questions, he listened, he probed. And after two weeks, he was finally released on threat that he better get out of the country immediately.

Once he finally made it home intact, he had to face an equally difficult negotiation – negotiating his mindset to overcome the PTSD and to come to a place of forgiveness.

While there are countless lessons from this experience that we can all apply to negotiating our daily lives, here are a few to kickstart your consideration:

1. Your first and most important negotiation is negotiating with yourself to take charge of your mindset.
2. Learn to let go of those things you can’t control and focus on those things you can.
3. Tap into your deep ‘why’ to increase your effectiveness as a negotiator.
4. Use the resources and information that are at your disposal and try to find additional resources that may not be apparent at first blush.
5. It’s not only what’s said that matters in a negotiation, but also the non-verbal cues.
6. Pay attention to the little things. Get curious about the other party. This will increase your ability to influence and persuade.

I invite you to dig deeper to find other lessons that you can embrace to negotiate your best life and get more of what you want, need, and deserve.

If you want to hear more about Alam’s experience, check out my podcast interview here.

Have you ever wished you had the skill and savvy to negotiate like an international peacekeeper or hostage negotiator? Well, your wait is over! I recently interviewed former hostage negotiator and international peacekeeper, Paul Nadeau. He shared his top tips on effective negotiating and I’m going to share them with you here.

Negotiating Your Mindset

The first secret to success is to always start with negotiating your own mindset. Challenge your inner saboteur and choose to believe in yourself. Silence the voice telling you that you’ll never amount to anything so why even try. Paul shares a story of a teacher in grade 7 who called him out in front the class by saying, “We’re going to have a test next week and I expect everyone here to pass … except for you, Nadeau.” Not surprisingly, he was humiliated. And surprisingly for 7^th grade, he recognized he had a choice. He could accept the inner critic urging him to quit or he could buck up and prove it wrong. He chose the latter.

Part of negotiating your most powerful mindset is coming from a place of pronoia. If you’re not familiar with that term, pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. It’s believing that the universe is conspiring for you. This positive expectation is a much more powerful place from which to bargain than expecting the worst.

We Are More Similar Than Different

Nadeau always starts from the premise in negotiations that we are more similar than we are different. When you negotiate with someone, consider that they’re going through the same things as you. They’re wondering, “Is this the right fit for me? Am I making the right decision? What can I expect? Can I trust this person? Do I like this person?”

You Get What You Give

Remember that we get what we give. If you show up with negative energy, you’ll attract that negativity in kind. By contrast, if you show up with empathy and ensure you treat the other party with dignity and respect, you’ll inspire that. Decide, with intention, who you want to show up as in your negotiations.

The P.I.E.R. Model for Successful Negotiations

Paul advocates what he calls the PIER model for negotiations.

• P stands for planning.
  You want to be as prepared as possible for any negotiation, whether personal or professional (whether planning for a first date or for a complicated business deal). Lack of preparation is one of the biggest mistakes people make in negotiating.
  As hostage negotiators, Paul’s teams did a lot of role-playing, considering a multitude of possible outcomes and scenarios. When you prepare in advance for a variety of possible approaches you may encounter, you’re better equipped to avoid reactivity and to respond with the required clarity and focus.
• I is for intent.
  Avoid a single-minded self-serving focus. For effective negotiations, show up seeking to provide a service and/or considering what you can give of yourself to make meaningful connection. Don’t make it about you. At least at first, strive to make it about the other party. Don’t make pitches. Listen. Be interested in what they have to say.
• E is for entrance & engagement.
  Seek to make a good first impression. Your entrance should be warm and friendly. Smile. The other party will be evaluating you as you enter and throughout the negotiation as you keep them engaged … or not.
• R is for relationship.
  Be intentional about the relationship. Consider the relationship outcomes you seek before going into the negotiation. Be intentional about building rapport and connection. Avoid jumping straight to business.
  The art of negotiation is really about connecting with the other party and making them feel safe.

Focus On What You Can Control

Try not to focus on things you can’t control in a negotiation. Focus on the moment, the things you can control. What does that mean? Pay attention to how you ask questions, how you deliver, how you engage. Your job is to listen with your ears and your eyes. Pay attention to the cues from the other party. If the other party suddenly shuts down, or the emotion changes, or there’s a tension in their body … take note and adjust accordingly. Identify that white elephant in the room. Label the white elephant. Don’t be so focused on your desired outcome that you miss the cues that can help you get there.

On Fear

On fear in negotiation, Paul Nadeau reminds us that we all experience fear at some point. Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s moving beyond it. Our fears are often unwarranted, but they can immobilize us if we allow it. See the fear as an opportunity.

Remember that the other party will similarly have fears. When uncertainties show up in the other party in a negotiation, stop and ask, “What are you worried (or concerned) about right now? I sense there may be something holding you back. Let’s bring it out in the open so I can address it. I’m here to serve.” This can be a powerful approach.

Everyone wants to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and understood. Whether you’re dealing with a hostage-taker, criminal, angry businessperson, contractor, loved one or child. Always start from the premise that you’re walking in to talk to a human in any negotiation. Treat them with dignity and respect. Don’t seek to exert power over them – instead look to work together. Consider the fears that may be driving them, or circumstances in their life you have no idea about. Try to pay a genuine compliment where possible. Practice gracious assertiveness. Invite them to be the best version of themselves.

These tips served Paul Nadeau well, both as a hostage negotiator and as an International Peacekeeper. They most certainly can help up-level your negotiation prowess, whether in your personal negotiations, professional negotiations or all the spaces in between.

I’ve been on a mission for some time to bust the myth that it’s ‘a man’s world’. The thought process is that if we continue to buy into this idea, we will perpetuate the patriarchal structure and continue to condition women to believe they’re likely to get less in life. Since we create our own realities by the thoughts we choose and the meaning we attach to those thoughts, it struck me as dangerous to allow ourselves, as women, to believe the world is not ours. Law of attraction is a powerful thing. If you believe that even though you make up over 50% of the population, somehow the world belongs to the ‘other half’, you will almost certainly expect less and get less in life.

Recently, I interviewed a woman who was no stranger to the topic. Pam Lester was one of the first women attorneys in pro sports, the first woman president of the Sports Lawyer Association, the first woman chair of the American Bar Association Forum on the entertainment, arts and sports industries, and the first woman chair of the sports division of the ABA Forum Entertainment, Arts & Sports Industries. In her career, she specialized in licensing and endorsement deals for athletes on everything from tennis, to golf, to soccer to boxing and Olympic athletes. She also created plans for HBO properties, including launching the licensing for the inimitable series, The Sopranos and genre changing series, Sex in the City. I thought it might be worthwhile to share her perspectives here.

Gender Bias & Women as Commodities 

Like many of us in male-dominated industries, Pam was typically the only woman in the room. Women were often seen as commodities who would come and go. In fact, Pam shares a story that one woman who worked in the office was fired and the managing director called everyone in the office by that name after that – as if we were somehow all interchangeable. There were no mentors. This wasn’t just an issue based on gender. As Pam points out, whether it’s based on gender, weight, race, sexual orientation, national origin or otherwise, there will always be people who will be biased against us. Her strategy was to just register the information as relevant data.

The Upside to Being Underestimated

In fact, Pam argues that being underestimated can in fact be a great strength. When someone underestimates you, they let their guard down, they think they have something over you. You can use that to your advantage … so long as you hold your own value and don’t underestimate yourself. If you’re intentional about how you show up, you can bring rapport-building and empathy to the table to get more information and use it to your benefit in your negotiations, coming away with better results.

Pam shared a story about one case where she was negotiating a high-stakes deal and when the lawyer from the other firm came in to the boardroom he asked her to get him a cup of coffee. Being polite, Pam said “Would you like milk and sugar?” When she then sat down on the other side of the table to start the negotiation (after having brought his coffee), he was so disarmed that she was able to use that to her advantage and come to an advantageous settlement.

On Speaking Out

Pam speaks to regrets about not speaking out, but notes that women didn’t feel they could speak out in that setting. Heck, she acknowledges that she was careful not to join women’s organizations because it may be held against her. Luckily, that climate is changing and this issue is getting long overdue air time. Women are finding ways to speak up and be taken seriously without buying in to the competitive, dish-it-back modus operandi. I find it can often be helpful to appeal to someone’s higher nature. Invite them to step into the best version of themselves. You could say something like, “I know it’s important to you to treat everyone with dignity and respect. And I know it’s important to you to ensure everyone’s voice is heard on this priority project …”. That approach (versus calling them out as a sexist or misogynist) can be very effective in making someone re-evaluate their approach in a way that allows them to save face and build a better relationship. It can be effective even, and especially, when someone is not actually showing up in the way you describe. You invite them to breathe into a better way of showing up.

How to Overcome Overwhelm & Ego

On being in a situation where you may feel overwhelmed, Pam says the trick is not to show your fear, and not to feel you have to fill the air. Take time to regroup if necessary – call a proverbial time-out if you need it. And if you don’t know something, it’s okay to say you don’t know. People often assume you’ll lose credibility if you do that but the opposite is true. Don’t let your ego get the best of you. Be prepared to admit to yourself that you won’t know everything. That opens you up to better listening in a negotiation. When you truly open up to actively listen to the other party, it’s incredible what doors and opportunities that can open.

Your Most Important Negotiation: Negotiating Your Mindset

Negotiate your own mindset so you can show up with confidence, even if you’re not really feeling it at the outset. Decide how you want to show up. Women are often criticized for being ‘too nice’. Pam recounted a story where she was coaching girls’ varsity lacrosse, and even though she had a winning season she was lambasted with the ‘accusation’ that “You’re too nice – this isn’t how we coach here!”

And yet, ironically, at the other end, when women are assertive, we’re accused of being too aggressive (or any number of other even less flattering characterizations).

On Being the ‘Token’ Woman

Added to that, there’s the issue of being accused of being the ‘token’ woman when you achieve placements in positions of power. Pam suggests that rather than being upset about it, when you get an opportunity take it – don’t turn it down on ceremony – make the most of it.

If you want more tips and strategies on how to negotiate as a woman in a so-called ‘man’s world’ check out the podcast interview.

The Art of Negotiation and the Art of Leadership are closely connected. We often assume that both are innate traits – you’re either born with it or not. Not true. In fact, both arts are learned and can be acquired and elevated through intentional practice. Added to that, much of our impact and ability to get what we want in our negotiations and as leaders is based on how we show up. Women often self-sabotage in this key area. In a recent interview with Dr. Michele Williams, a professor at the Tippie College of Business, this point became even more clear. Stay tuned for some insights and tips that will help you in terms of how you show up to lead as a woman.

Our starting point was the recognition that women tend to be more likely to shy away from negotiations for a host of reasons, many tied to social conditioning (and even more so in advocating for themselves). It’s not just that they don’t ask, it’s that in the corporate structure they learned not to ask. They’ve been getting backlash and told they’re too pushy, or too greedy, or too selfish … so, they learn not to ask. And they’re disadvantaged by that.

How do you redress that? As women, we just need to draw on our innate strength and ability to ask. When you look at our advocacy and negotiation skills on behalf of others (for our children, our family, our community) we’re tough negotiators. So why not set those high aspirations and expectations in the workplace and realize there are ways to ask and negotiation strategies that can really help you be effective.

One of Dr. Williams’ favorite strategies (from Amy Cuddy’s work on presence) is using strong non-verbals. Women tend to get more pushback for their language than for their non-verbals. So when you come confidently into the room, speak calmly, pay attention to your tone of voice, pacing, body language and presence, that show of assertiveness can be very powerful.

Take up space. If you watch powerful men walk into a room, they walk in big. They sit down, they spread their legs wide. They spread their stuff all over the table. That’s one of the things that women can do with our bodies. Make sure you’re not crunching down, and you don’t look like you’re just there to take notes. You’re there to contribute.

Another thing in terms of space is your voice and how you frame your contributions. Women often preface everything with, “It’s just my opinion, but …”, or we lower our voice and say, “I just might think …”. These can be VPs and high-end women execs saying really important things, and yet they’ll still start that way. Instead, come out and say, “I think this is what we should do. This is the next plan. Our strategy is not working.” Say it with confidence. The cadence of your voice is going to make a difference. Be careful not to ask everything as a question. “Maybe we could …” or “Maybe we could try …” as opposed to “I think we should try this.” That combination of using your voice differently, and physically taking up space and owning that space will be a great asset in getting more of what you deserve.

According to some studies, another thing to be aware of is that when women progress in their career, they’re treated with less interpersonal sensitivity, but as men progress in their career, they’re treated with more. All the work on power says more powerful people are treated with more sensitivity, and yet the opposite held true for women. Being aware that the context is different is the first step to addressing the issue. It may not always feel comfortable as you move through the ranks in the corporate world. Because of this, women … (and especially women of colour) tend to shrink back. They come quietly in the room. They try to keep their head down, and just do really good work. They wait for other people to recognize them.

That strategy is not effective because nobody’s paying enough attention to know what good work you’re doing. If you’re not advocating for yourself, it just falls through to the wayside, and you likely won’t be seen as leadership material because you’re quiet and not getting into those difficult and challenging conversations.

Part of the solution is reframing our mindset. In the US and Canada and Western Europe we tend to view the workplace as a meritocracy. If you do a good job you will be rewarded. We’re not sure how or by whom, but hold the belief it will just come. We’ll just be rewarded. The idea that there are actual social networks in place, or that people have sponsors speaking up for them in the organization isn’t considered.

According to Dr. Williams, once we think about the process as not fully a meritocracy but having a social element, it behooves us to actually let people know what our accomplishments are. These are just facts, and they come up in naturally in conversation. Women tend to hold back because they don’t want to be seen as bragging. They don’t want to be the tall poppy for fear of being cut down.

The narrative we start to tell about ourselves and our work is important. Another piece of that, If we don’t tell our own story, other people will tell it for us. And the story other people tell for women is, “Oh, they’re so nice. They’re so good with people. Isn’t that fabulous. I’m so glad to have her on my team. Oh, she’s so passionate.” Passionate, good with people, and nice does not get you promoted. They are often not seen as having anything to do with leadership.

But when you talk about it in different language i.e. being nice really means you are able to motivate your team. You’re a good mentor to more junior people. You’re able to help departments resolve conflicts. When you start putting different language to those behaviors – i.e. you’re able to motivate everyone – that language is language recognized as leadership skills. It’s our responsibility to tell our story in a way that lets others know we’re leadership material so they’re not using just vague, nondescript language to describe all the good work we’re doing.

If this perspective has been useful for you, check out the full podcast interview WITH DR. MICHELE WILLIAMS

If all of life is a negotiation, why are we taught so little about it? And of the little we’re taught, why is so much of it based on myths? These are important questions as the myths we buy into can hold us back from becoming our most powerful negotiator. They stop us from getting the better outcomes, buy-in, and relationships we deserve.

Let’s explore the top 10 myths, consider why they’re so dangerous and debunk them so you can step up to negotiate a better life for yourself.

Myth #1: Personal Relationships Are Not Negotiations

How we’ve been conditioned to see negotiations is a good starting point in examining myths that hold us back. When you hear the word ‘negotiation’ I’d wager you first picture a boardroom full of suits. We recognize business dealings as negotiations but not our personal dealings. This misconception stops you from bringing the necessary level of intention to your interactions.

Recognizing that all of life is a negotiation – whether it’s with your kids, intimate partner, co-workers, service providers or business tycoons – is the first step on the path to negotiating better relationships and outcomes.

Myth #2: Negotiation Is a Competition

We’ve also been conditioned to see negotiation as a competition, with winners and losers. This is one of the reasons so many people resist seeing negotiation as a skill to use in personal relationships. This zero-sum approach to negotiations leaves little room for creative solutions that meet the highest good of all. Instead, when you take a collaborative approach, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party, you’ll elevate your influence and persuasive abilities to get even better outcomes than anticipated.

Myth #3: Toughness Carries the Day

Tied to myth #2 is the belief that toughness carries the day in negotiations, that the person talking the longest and loudest is ‘winning’. In fact, the opposite is true. Successful negotiators are effective listeners who bring empathy to the table. The more you understand about the other party’s needs, the better deals you’ll be able to broker.

Myth #4: Women Aren’t Good Negotiators

The misconceptions set out above lead to the mistaken belief that women aren’t effective negotiators. Many women shy away from negotiating their best lives because they buy into the myth that negotiations are about toughness and competition.

Interestingly, 5 out of 6 of the key skillsets that make and mark effective negotiators are traits considered by most to be ‘feminine’ or soft skills. My A.R.E. F.I.T. model is based on elevating our appreciation and intentional adoption of these skills. Assertiveness, Rapport-building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust are the top 6 skills most often identified as essential to superior negotiation. Studies suggest that aside from assertiveness, the other 5 skills are considered ‘feminine’ traits by most. Yet, ironically, we still cling to the misguided belief that women are likely to be less effective.

Myth #5: Nice people finish last in negotiations 

The same misconceptions that lead people to believe women aren’t effective negotiators are also responsible for the mistaken belief that nice people finish last in negotiations. When we see negotiations as win-lose propositions where it’s all about the bark and bite, it’s no wonder you might buy into the myth. Added to that, ‘nice’ has gotten a bad rap in recent years and is under-valued.

To all the nice people out there, be glad in the knowledge that you may well be better equipped as a negotiator because bringing empathy, true trustworthiness and rapport-building to the table will elevate your outcomes.

Myth #6: You either have the natural ability as a negotiator or you don’t 

Many people believe that negotiation skills are fixed traits – you either have them or you don’t. They believe negotiation prowess is innate – some are born with it, others not. This mindset inhibits people from stepping up to try out their negotiation chops. That’s a shame because the belief is based on a myth.

Negotiation is a learned skill. It takes practice. Making a point of learning more about the art of negotiation and applying those skills with intention will improve your abilities as a negotiator and result in better solutions and outcomes. Every new building block will set a stronger foundation upon which to grow.

Myth #7: Negotiations are like poker –  hold your cards close to your chest

As is no doubt becoming clear, the myth that negotiation is a win-lose competition spawns many more destructive myths. One such spin-off is the idea that negotiations are like poker and you need to hold your cards close to your chest. In my experience this is typically counter-productive. It’s challenging if not impossible to come to real, meaningful resolutions that represent the highest good for all if everyone is busy protecting and refusing to share their actual desired outcomes.

It’s only through sharing your real needs and discussing those of the other party that opportunities arise to find creative solutions to meet those needs – often in unexpected ways. A guarded, defensive posture in negotiations triggers a similar response in kind. This is rarely, if ever, a strong place from which to bargain for best outcomes.

Myth #8: Never make the first move

Another spin-off myth from the competition model is that you should never make the first move in a negotiation and/or that concessions are a sign of weakness. I’d like to debunk both these myths. There are many potential advantages to making the first move.

Anchoring your expectations at the outset can be a strong move in a negotiation. Set high aspiration levels and anchor expectations by sharing them early. You can set the tone for the negotiation and set the discussion on track from the outset.

Likewise, planning for and making the first concession can set a collaborative tone and trigger reciprocity. It’s always been my belief that people afraid to do so lack confidence in the strength of their position and/or negotiating abilities.

Myth #9: Emotion has no place in negotiations 

You’ve no doubt been told that emotion has no place in negotiations. It’s often one of the unfounded criticisms levied against women – that they’re too emotional to be good negotiators. There is a difference though between being emotional and bringing emotion to the table. In other words, while you don’t want to be emotionally reactive and lose the clarity required to move towards desired outcomes, bringing the emotional resonance of your deep ‘why’ can be a powerful motivator in a negotiation.

At the very least, understanding emotion and how it shows up – for you and the other party – is a significant advantage in any negotiation.

Myth #10: If both sides go away unhappy it’s been a successful negotiation

This myth is a particular pet peeve of mine. I’ve often heard even experienced mediators suggest they know they’ve done their job if both sides go away unhappy. I come down with a resounding ‘NO’ on that theory. Splitting the difference as a go-to remedy is a similar pet peeve. Successful negotiators seek the highest and best results for all. It shouldn’t be about everyone giving up items of importance. It should be about finding how to get even better results than everyone expected coming to the table.

Hopefully this article has given you some insights on how to bust through negotiation myths that hampered your ability to get your best outcomes. By raising your awareness about stories you’ve been telling yourself about negotiations, you’re halfway to elevating your ability to persuade and influence.

We’re all biased and we carry these biases (whether conscious or not) into all our interactions. These biases can sabotage your ability to get better outcomes in negotiating your life. They interfere with your perspective-taking ability and cloud your judgment. It’s important to elevate your awareness about the inherent biases you bring to the table so you can negotiate with greater clarity and increase your influence and persuasive abilities. Last week we explored the range of Personal Biases. Now let’s turn to other types of bias that are likely showing up in your life.

Information Bias

How we receive information can impact our perception and beliefs. Two primary information biases that show up are (i) Information Presentation Bias and (ii) Information Availability Bias. You can use these biases to your advantage. Beware, however, that you are not falling victim to the power of these information biases being used against you.

            Information Presentation

How information is presented to us can profoundly impact on our receptivity to the information. The advertising industry is a multi-billion-dollar industry for this reason. How we see things affects our actions (from decisions, to purchasing power, to voting and beyond). This is why large organizations or governments trying to push through a particular agenda will use fancy, glossy, high-end materials with specific language triggers etc. Be careful to ensure that your decisions are based on actual meaningful content as opposed to slick presentation tactics.

Having said that, at the other end, it will serve you to get intentional about how you’re presenting information to the other party in your negotiations. Consider whether someone is a visual, auditory or kinesthetic learner and cater to their style(s) in presenting information that you want to ensure they consider.

            Information Availability

Likewise, beware that you are getting access to all relevant information in any negotiation. It is easy to skew perceptions through strategic use of statistical or other data presented. What is omitted is often as (or more) important than what is presented. Consider and question the availability of all potentially significant information before making decisions. Pay attention to what the other party is making available and what may be conspicuously absent.

Tied to information availability is Misinformation. Some negotiators will disseminate misinformation to skew the balance in their favour. In my view, this is never appropriate. Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. Breaking that trust can be irreparable. It is easier to lose trust than to build it. Ultimately our integrity needs to be our trademark. Using misinformation is out of alignment with bargaining in integrity.

Anchoring

Anchoring is when we set the expectations for a particular negotiation by starting with a strong position at the extreme edge of the range of possibility. If we’re a purchaser, for example, it serves to anchor the negotiation with a low starting price to lower the other party’s expectations about what is reasonable or achievable. If we’re the vendor, we’d want to anchor high out of the gate if possible. While it seems inauthentic to proceed in this way, studies continue to affirm that anchoring can change the other party’s beliefs about the nature of an appropriate agreement and so is effective in many negotiations.

Fixed-pie Bias

While some consider this to be a belief system rather than a bias, to some extent our beliefs are our biases. Our predisposed views of the world affect our perceptions and perspectives and so become biases that impact our negotiations. Many people suffer from fixed-pie bias. They see the world and each negotiation as a fixed pie of availability where they need to ensure they get their fair ‘slice of the pie’. This is to be contrasted with an abundance perspective where one believes there are potentially infinite possibilities available as solutions to any issue and seek to find the highest good for all.

Framing bias

How something is framed can significantly impact on how it is received. Being mindful of your framing can increase your ability to influence and persuade. For example, framing something as a win versus loss will invariably be better received. If someone is earning $100,000 and sought an increase to $150,000, framing a $120,000 counter-offer as an increase of $20,000 will be better received than presenting it as $30,000 less than they’d asked for. The power of framing should not be under-estimated.

Sunk Cost bias (aka Irrational Escalation of Commitment)

When we’ve sunk money into a particular project, person, investment, etc., studies show that we’re less likely to walk away, but instead are more likely to continue to throw more money on the table as we don’t want to see the money spent to date as a loss. The same holds true with sunk time costs. The more time we’ve invested, the less likely we are to walk away. This can cause us to bargain long after it makes sense to do so. Raising your awareness about this bias and its potentially dangerous impact can be a powerful game-changer.

Loss Aversion Bias (aka Prospect theory)

For the same reasons that we don’t like to acknowledge our lost investments (noted above under ‘Sunk Cost Bias’), studies show that we tend to have higher aversion to losses. In other words, we fear loss and avoid losses more than we try to make profits. For example, most people would rather avoid losing $2,000 than potentially making $3,000. As a result, how we frame offers can create a bias (either pro or con) depending on whether it’s framed as a loss avoidance or gain.

Halo & Horn effect

 

Let’s face it … we tend to make snap judgments in our society. Beware though that these first impressions on meeting someone can have dangerous side-effects. The halo effect is when a positive first impression of someone leads us to view them more favourably and cast their entire character in a more favourable light, ignoring or discounting negative attributes. By contrast, the horn effect is when a negative first impression causes us to view them more negatively, failing to see the positive attributes. This bias is particularly problematic in a society where we over-value ‘attractive’ people and ascribe competence and other success traits to them that may not be warranted and conversely we under-value so-called ‘unattractive’ people and their skills and potential contributions.

Narrative Fallacy

 

We naturally like stories. Humans have a long history of storytelling. As a result, we find them easier to relate to and make sense of. Pay attention though to getting sucked in to less desirable outcomes simply because they came packaged with a better story. At the other end, however, it’s valuable to remember that presenting your position with a good story will get better buy-in.

 

Hindsight Bias

Hindsight bias is the tendency to look back on events and believe we accurately predicted (or could have predicted) the outcome. This sounds innocuous, but the danger lies in our corresponding belief that our judgement is better than it is. As a result, we’re less critical of our decisions going forward, which can cause poor decision-making.

Contrast Effect

 

When presented with contrasting options, most people will be inclined to choose the more attractive offer. In other words, rather than simply offering $30,000 in a deal, if presented as either $30K now of $10K/year spread over 3 years, the lump sum will likely seem more attractive than it would have on its own. Presenting a contrast offer that makes your desired outcome look more attractive can create a powerful bias in your favour.

False Conflict (aka Illusory conflict)

False conflict arises where one perceives a conflict that doesn’t actually exist. If we expect or anticipate a conflict or push-back, it can skew our perception so we believe we’re in a conflict situation, when we’re not. This will adversely impact how we show up and our ability to achieve positive outcomes.

Winners’ Curse

Winners’ curse rears its head when we settle quickly and feel uncomfortable because it seemed to come too easily. We don’t trust easy and have been conditioned to believe good things have to be hard-earned. Ironically, we end up feeling disappointed and resentful about great deals sometimes if our perception is that it came too easily.

Reactive Devaluation

Similar to Winner’s curse, Reactive Devaluation is when we devalue concessions given by other party simply because they were given.

Herd Mentality

Not to be confused with herd immunity, Herd Mentality is when we blindly copy what others are doing. This shows up with desires to follow famous people. It also shows up when people are drawn to follow perceived popular opinion rather than making informed individual choices. These biases can have a strong pull and can skew independent judgment and clarity of thought.

 

And so we come to the end of our review of popular or common biases that may be holding you back from your best outcomes. Did you identify your bias poisons? If so, congratulations! You’re well on your way to overcoming their adverse impact in your negotiations.

Do you consider yourself to be a biased person?

If you answered ‘no’, you’d be mistaken. We all carry biases – some conscious, many not. You bring these biases to everything you do in life. And so, they affect most human interactions. As all of life is a negotiation, it’s important to be aware of them. Otherwise, you’ll drag your biases into every negotiation, sabotaging your chances of best outcomes.

Before you enter any negotiation, it’s prudent to consider both your biases and the likely biases of the other party. To help you in that process, let’s explore the types of bias, how they show up and how you can overcome them.

At the outset I’d note that there are countless academic articles written on bias and various methods of categorizing types of bias. The reality, however, is that many of the categories and types overlap and can’t always be neatly compartmentalized. No worries though. It’s not the labelling that’s important. It’s simply raising your awareness so you can recognize when bias is showing up and affecting how you process information.

Whether you call a bias cognitive, motivational, informational, selection, heuristic, linguistic, or any of the other many categories assigned to the various biases is less important than recognizing that bias is at play and getting intentional about diffusing the bias.

In this two-part series, I hope to provide a handy checklist of the most common biases. In this part (Part I) we explore various ‘personal’ biases and how they show up.

I invite you to identify your go-to bias ‘poisons’. Explore this list with an open mind and heart with a view to recognizing your guilty bias traps.

Self-serving bias

 

Self-serving bias shows up in a number of ways. It skews perception when we seek to perceive ourselves in an overly favourable light to maintain or enhance our self-esteem. It rears its head when we attribute our successes and positive outcomes to our skill yet blame our negative outcomes on bad luck. i.e. when we see our successful projects as the result of our brilliance and hard work but see our failures as the result of the team (or someone else) dropping the ball or not properly supporting the initiative.

It also influences our perceptions of fairness. We see our positions as imminently fair and reasonable while projecting our negative attributes onto the other party.

 

Egocentrism

Some see egocentrism as a subset of self-serving bias, while others see it as a stand-alone category. At its core, egocentrism shows up as tunnel vision or self-focus. This bias prevents us from truly appreciating the position of the other party as our focus is too narrowly on our own goals, outcomes, positions, etc.

Inattentional blindness

 

Again, some consider inattentional blindness to be the same as (or at least a subset of egocentrism and/or self-serving bias, whereas others believe the distinction warrants its own category. Inattentional bias is when we see, hear and experience only what we’re focused on. When we only focus on our own needs we inevitably miss out on valuable information and insights; important cues, signals or signs; and also on opportunities.

There are variations of a powerful study that exemplifies this bias and its impact. A video is shown of a group passing a basketball, half wearing white shirts and half black. Participants are asked to count how many times the white ‘team’ passes the ball to each other. Incredibly the majority of participants fail to notice a large gorilla jumping into the fray midway through the play. When the focus in on counting the number of passes, other glaring and obvious sensory input is missed altogether.

Overconfidence bias

 

A sister to self-serving bias is overconfidence bias. This comes from a false sense of your own skill or talent. It can manifest as having an unjustified illusion of control in your negotiations. It can also show up as what’s sometimes called the ‘desirability effect’ i.e. what I want to happen will happen because I want it to.

Endowment bias

 

Endowment bias is arguably a sister to overconfidence bias but applies to how we value what we own or what we bring to the table. i.e. when we over-value something we own or contribute.

We see examples of this in real estate deals where vendors over-value their properties (based on sweat equity or emotional attachment, etc) and find it hard to accept market valuations. We also often see this in bartering situations where one party believes their end of the barter is considerably more valuable than what the other party brings to the table. For the same reason, many partnerships flounder as one party over-values their contribution to the relationship vis-à-vis the other party’s.

Confirmation bias

 

Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for and interpret information in way that confirms our preconceptions. Henry Thoreau is credited with observing that “We only see the world we look for.”

The world is rife with this problem today. Social media exacerbates this bias as ‘news feeds’ we receive give us more of what we already believe. Everyone becomes even more entrenched in their belief about the rightness of their position. You are better served when you’re able to show up with an open mind to truly listen to perspectives and positions of the other party and to seek out information contrary to your already held beliefs (i.e. be willing to challenge your preconceptions).

Expectation bias

Tied to confirmation bias (but arguably a separate category) is what I call expectation bias. We tend to attract what we expect. If we expect the other party to show up as unreasonable and overly aggressive, our perception of the encounter will meet and reinforce our expectation. If we expect the worst, we’re likely to get (or at least see) the worst, and by contrast, if we expect the best we’re more likely to get (or see) the best.

Affinity Bias

 

Affinity bias relates to the predisposition we all have to favour people who remind us of ourselves. We see this as early as elementary school yards where kids gravitate and judge more favourably those like them and tend to shun those who are different. This bias causes us to discount potential valuable input, perspectives and input from those unlike us. While this is problematic in any negotiation, it is particularly problematic in cross-cultural negotiations.

Did any of these bias types resonate with you? Raising your awareness about your personal biases is a great starting point to overcoming the adverse impact of bias in your negotiations. Stay tuned next week for Part II where we’ll dig deeper, exploring biases beyond the personal.

Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. From trusting yourself (and your intuition), to building trust with the other party or parties, the bottom line is that trust gets better long-term outcomes, relationships, and buy-in. Yet we typically don’t include intentional trust-building as an element of our preparation work for negotiations. That failure adversely impacts your ability to influence and persuade – in other words your effectiveness as a negotiator.

For a long time, experts couldn’t agree on how to define trust let alone how to actively build it. There were widely divergent opinions, across multiple disciplines, on the causes of trust, its nature, and its impact. Everyone seemed to agree it was important, but nobody could agree on why or how.

A 1995 journal article, An Integrative Model of Organizational Trust, spoke to the issue and is often cited for its breakdown of the factors of ‘trustworthiness’.

They suggested that we decide whether we find someone to be trustworthy based on our assessment of the following three factors:

• Ability: Do I believe the person has the ability to deliver on their promises?
• Benevolence: Is the person inclined or motivated to do right by me?
• Integrity: Does the person share values and principles that are acceptable to me?

Over a decade later, drawing on the ABI model, Stephen Covey spoke to the question of trust, breaking it down to two component parts: (i) character and (ii) competence. Character reflected integrity and intent. Competence drew on capabilities and results.

Would you pass the ‘trust’ test based on these qualities? It’s worth asking ourselves this question periodically … and in advance of every negotiation.

In our fast-paced world decisions get made quickly. These speed-date decisions are often based on knee-jerk check-ins about whether we trust the other party or not. Those reflex reactions are typically based on past experiences, reputation, cues (verbal and non-verbal), etc.

What are some hot, practical, tips on how to build trust in your negotiations?

• Trust Yourself

Our first and most important negotiation is always negotiating our own mindset.

It’s difficult to build trust with others if you don’t trust yourself. Do the inner work necessary to bring the confidence that comes from self-love to the table. You need to respect yourself to attract the respect of others. Explore the limiting beliefs that have held you back, challenge your inner critic, seek internal validation (versus external), be honest with yourself and celebrate your value.

• Maintain your reputation.

Losing trust is easier than building it. If you’ve lost someone’s trust, it can take considerable investment to regain it. Managing your reputation is key. Being known as someone who is untrustworthy can be the kiss of death in negotiations. So always guard your reputation.

•  Give Respect

Respect and trust are closely connected. Respect breeds respect. Always treat people with dignity and respect if you expect the same. Doing so builds trust.

• Bring Empathy to the Table

Be sure to practice active listening. Seek to truly understand the position and needs of the other party. This serves to lower defenses and increase the trust factor.

• Speak Clearly

By that, I don’t mean avoid mumbling. I’m talking about being clear about your meaning – say what you mean and mean what you say. Be transparent and open where possible.

Tied to that, speak the ‘language’ of the other party. I’m not talking about learning the mother tongue of the other party, but rather, use the lingo and terminology that speaks to them.

As an attorney, I quickly learned to brush up on the technical or specialized lingo of my clients in order to build the requisite trust that I was able to properly represent their interests. It made clients in the trucking industry nervous if their counsel didn’t know the difference between a truck tractor and a flatbed.

• Make & Label Your Concessions

Be prepared to make concessions as a steppingstone to trust-building. I’m not suggesting you give the house away or randomly offering up items in dispute. Be intentional. Plan a concession strategy in advance where possible so you can offer up a concession that will be of value to the other side but is an easy give for you.

Be sure to name your concessions as you do so. Don’t just expect the other party to recognize the concession you’ve made or its value.

• Be Clear About Your Expectations and Explain Them

When identifying your ‘needs’ in a negotiation (which comes after listening to theirs as noted above), don’t be vague or ambiguous or clever. Be clear. And be prepared to explain your needs. It’s surprising how often we misperceive and attribute false motivations to the other party. You can avoid that problem by offering up your explanations in advance to assist in their understanding of your perspective. Communication builds trust.

• Seek to Find Mutual Gains

Approach negotiations with a view to finding the highest good for all wherever possible. Don’t just seek to have your needs met, but actively look for creative options to find mutually better solutions and outcomes.

Trust is one of the core elements of my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Once we master trusting ourselves, trust involves a willingness to rely on someone else. There’s a vulnerability inherent in the giving of it. Our past hurts often make this challenging. Exploring how to give trust allows us to live into being more trustworthy. It takes intentional practice … and it’s worth it.