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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Art of Feminine Negotiation is the Key to World Peace

All of life is a negotiation. I say this often. I typically quip that the art of negotiation is about getting what you want ‘from the boardroom to the bedroom’. In fact, my newly released book has that as its tagline … Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to Get What You Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom. And that’s true. Negotiation can enhance your personal and professional outcomes. But recently, I’ve expanded my appreciation of the breadth of this skill to recognize its inherent value on the global scene. It just may hold the key to world peace.

This point was really driven home when I was asked to keynote a Peace Pulse event for Ollin Women’s International recently. In preparing for the event, the more I read about Ollin, the more I recognized how connected our work was. They are dedicated to fostering world peace. Their peace pledge is to make peace a part of our everyday life. In exploring their member’s personal definitions of peace, it warmed my heart to see references to letting go of ego, and acknowledgements that peace can be big and small, and that before we can bring peace on the outside we need to start on the inside.

This deeply resonated with me as I’ve been on a mission to redefine and reframe conflict, success, power, and negotiation. Many of my clients ask, “Why do you call what you do negotiation training or programs? Doesn’t that push away a lot of people?  What you do is so much more than that.”

I choose to focus on negotiation (notwithstanding the pushback) because I seek to raise awareness that life is a negotiation, from the micro to the macro level. Mastering this skill may be the single most important learning of your life.

We negotiate every day in a myriad of ways. Our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves … negotiating our own mindset. From there, we negotiate our relationships (with our kids, intimate partner, co-workers, service providers, or multi-million-dollar transactions). We also negotiate on the global scene (whether peace in the middle east or conflicts such as the current Russia/Ukraine debacle). The principles are the same. When you uncover how to negotiate on the micro level for your personal impact, you are equipping yourself to negotiate with much broader potential impact.

Most of my clients come to me for the professional development i.e. how to up-level their ability to get more professionally. And we do that … in spades. But the thing that most surprises them is the profound impact our work has on their personal relationships and life. And the thing I find most interesting is the extent to which many of them go on to negotiate even bigger stakes with profound ripple effects for the world (sometimes without them even realizing it).

My reframes focus on leaning in to the feminine. After much research and work on this mission, I came to believe that the solution to much of the world’s ills starts with that simple shift.

In 2020 I did a TEDx talk: Rise of the Feminine Voice as the Key to Our Future. The idea was that the world is out of balance because we’ve lost touch with our feminine. This was not a new concept but interestingly, it was still being treated as novel.

That’s surprising given that the Dalai Lama has been talking about this for at least a decade and a half. Every year, in multiple talks since at least 2007, the Dalai Lama has said:

To promote greater compassion, we must pay special attention to the role of women. … the time has come for women to take more active roles in all domains of human society, in an age in which education and the capacities of the mind, not physical strength, define leadership. This could help create a more equitable and compassionate society.

It only took a decade and a half and a global pandemic for the message to be received. COVID appears to have opened the world to a new way of thinking and new way of being. I started talking about the importance of the rise of the feminine voice many years ago. I believe the time is now.

There’s a new appreciation for the value of feminine energy … in business, in politics, and beyond. I’ve been asked to speak about the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ at business schools, law symposiums, corporate events, trade union conferences, and a few weeks ago in Greece on feminine wisdom. People are suggesting that countries with female leaders fared better during COVID. This may or may not be true, but the discussion is important because at very least, the value of feminine stock went up. Feminine traits are being recognized as key leadership skills for the first time in a long time.

To clarify a possible sticking point, when I speak of feminine, I’m not talking about gender. There’s no one way to be a woman, a man, or any of the spaces in between. We all have masculine and feminine energy. The problem is that for too long we’ve been under-valuing our ‘feminine’.

This is key as the world had shifted out of balance as both men and women eschewed their ‘feminine’ in favour of a competitive, masculine model of success. Hopefully now, we’ll see both men and women lean in to their feminine, bringing empathy to the table, seeking to build stronger relationships, not coming from a place of competition, not looking just to meet our needs, but also to understand and meet the needs of others, valuing and respecting our differences and stepping into the best of our humanity.

Imagine a world where we all negotiate life from that place of powerful feminine persuasion. Studies confirm that people who show up and invoke these so-called feminine skills in negotiating their lives get better outcomes, more creative solutions, better buy-in, less conflict, longer lasting agreements, better relationships, and more positive impact – both personally and professionally. Imagine the power of those results on the global scene.

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Health and Wellness Parenting Personal Development

The Lunar New Year and the Conscious Parenting Revolution Katherine Sellery Katherine Sellery

The Lunar New Year and the Conscious Parenting Revolution As the world welcomes the Lunar New Year in 2025, it brings a powerful opportunity for renewal and transformation. Rooted in tradition, the meaning of the Lunar New Year is deeply tied to reflection, growth, and embracing change — values that also lie at the heart of the Conscious Parenting Revolution.

This year, the Year of the Snake symbolizes wisdom, adaptability, and shedding old patterns to make way for new possibilities. Just as the snake releases its skin, parents on their conscious parenting journey are invited to let go of outdated habits and embrace more intentional, connected ways of relating to their children.

Conscious parenting is not just about teaching — it’s about growing alongside children. It calls for mindfulness, self-awareness, and the ability to pause before reacting. By prioritizing emotional intelligence and fostering open communication, parents create an environment where their children feel truly seen, heard, and valued.

The Lunar New Year is a perfect time to set fresh intentions. It offers families an opportunity to deepen their commitment to connection, empathy, and resilience. By modeling these qualities, parents plant the seeds of kindness and compassion, ensuring these values continue to flourish in future generations. The

The Conscious Parenting Revolution encourages parents to cultivate psychological safety in their homes. When trust is nurtured, relationships thrive. Small, intentional acts — whether through mindful conversations, active listening, or emotional support — strengthen family bonds and build a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Conscious parenting is a journey, not a destination. Every step taken toward greater awareness and presence brings parents closer to the relationships they aspire to create with their children. Wishing all families a joyful and inspiring Lunar New Year, filled with love, connection, and transformation.

Love and blessings,
Katherine

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Self-Negotiation and A Healthy Body

Most people, at some point, have a craving for unhealthy food. With their internal conscience, they try to dissuade themselves from choosing the ‘wrong’ option. But as they appeal to self-interests, they end up with unhealthy outcomes. This habit is called self-negotiation, which is a sabotaging tactic that keeps us resisting change, even when we want to improve ourselves.

People who self-negotiate often use their own internal arguments as an excuse not to work towards a goal, rather than as a reason for it. It’s unsurprising why fitness and health are one of the most put-off goals that people set because of self-negotiation, which is especially evident in gym attendance dropping off over the course of a year.

In one study, the percentage of new members who attend fitness organizations dipped to 50% in the sixth month and 22% by month 12. Rather than allowing yourselves to sabotage your own efforts, it’s essential that you learn how to negotiate better with yourself. Through these tips below, you can improve your self-negotiation tactics and use them not as excuses but instead as motivators to work toward your desired health targets.

Reframing your diet mindset

When it comes to dieting, people may have a tendency to negotiate with themselves and think they can eat more today because they exercised or will exercise the next day, but then don’t. These seem to be the cause of failure, however, negotiations based on calories aren’t effective either. As some of the best weight loss programs have come to learn, calories don’t tell the whole story when it comes to nutrition.

You also need to consider protein, fiber, sugars, and fats in your diet for a healthier pattern of eating. Rather than making excuses and limiting yourself, you can reframe your choices to more positive outcomes. For example, instead of thinking, “If I eat that cookie, I’ll get fat.” — it’s better to reframe it as “This food looks good, but I also enjoy feeling good when I feed my body healthy food like this apple.” By changing your mindset, you can better convince yourself to make the healthier choice.

Track your habits and behaviors

When you set mental goals for yourself, it can be easy to change them at the last minute because they are too difficult to achieve. Desiring big outcomes is good but often, self-negotiation kicks in to persuade us to take the easier, but not necessarily healthy, choice. Instead, it’s more effective to physically note and work towards smaller targets.

As the saying goes, “What gets measured gets done.” You can start off by writing in a journal what you plan to achieve in health: your desired fitness level, the average amount of sleep per day, or your resistance to stress, to name a few. When you’re faced with a poor choice, you can go back to these goals and use them to redirect yourself back on the right track. This lets you think beyond your present thoughts and reminds you to stay accountable for your goals.

Reduce or make self-negotiation easier

Depending on your personality and willpower, self-negotiation can be a great way to convince yourself to do a task you wouldn’t otherwise commit to. However, there is always the possibility that you will lose these negotiations. Reducing the need to self-negotiate can discipline you and ensure you attain the results you want, especially your health goals. One of our tips for negotiating balance is to control your environment. You can start by eliminating physical unhealthy factors such as junk food and replace them with healthier alternatives like fruits and home gym equipment. Alternatively, you can also add more positive influences in life that inspire you to reach your health targets. Even if you haven’t built the habit of taking the healthier option yet, your environment can encourage you to achieve your best potential and reduce the need, or make it easier, to self-negotiate.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Use Colour to Beneficially Affect Your Negotiations

Can colour affect your negotiations?

What was the first thing that came to your mind when faced with this question? Was it wardrobe choices? Room colour? Colour of your skin? The colour you bring to the table when negotiating? There are layers to this conversation and it’s a subject worth examining. In unpacking the issue, we may be able to discover how to use colour as your secret sauce to better negotiation outcomes.

Not long ago we were bombarded with purported new ‘shocking evidence’ about how colour can impact negotiations. Everyone rushed to change their wardrobe to maximize their effectiveness as a negotiator. While there is some merit to this science, I believe there are broader social implications to colour and in this article, I’d like dig deeper on the concept. Let’s explore the impact of the colour of our skin and our ‘personal’ colour.

In an ideal world, the colour of our skin wouldn’t matter. But the sad reality is that it still does – in terms of process, relationship and substantive outcomes. Simply looking at the continuing pay differential for white vs black vs First Nations vs Latino women dispels any notion that colour is irrelevant today. We still have work to do on this front.

While it’s unfair, the reality is that women of colour often feel the need to be more conscious about how they show up, as they’re perceived and judged differently. When legitimately advocating for themselves, they’re often unjustly labelled ‘angry black women’ or some such unflattering moniker. These stereotypes continue across the colour spectrum and can adversely impact on negotiation outcomes.

Even negotiating for access can be more challenging for persons of colour (and women of colour in particular). Getting a seat at the table can be affected by your colour. And for people for whom English is not their first language, the barriers can be even higher. They’re often not even given the time or space to put their thoughts together to express their views. This is an unfortunate loss in the bargaining process as valuable perspectives are ignored and lesser outcomes achieved as a result.

In addition to consideration of what biases you may face, it’s also important to be aware of what biases you may bring to the table. We often go into negotiations making assumptions about the other party and in so doing we limit our effectiveness and ability to secure best outcomes. Likewise, we often make assumptions that the other person will discount us or not show up with partnership perspective. In bringing these biases, we miss opportunities as it narrows and compromises our perspective-taking ability.

Another element of colour that’s worth exploring is the individual ‘colour’ or personality you bring to negotiations. Do you feel comfortable to show up as your full authentic self? Or do you rein in certain qualities to meet expectations (real or perceived)?

Women are more likely to modify their behaviour to meet expected social norms. They fear (with good reason) being judged as ‘too emotional’ or ‘too demanding’. They may demure and soften their pitch and/or approach, ask for less, or play to egos in the room. At the other end of the spectrum, they may overcompensate, bringing masculine energy to the table that doesn’t reflect their authentic style, believing that’s the only way to be heard or succeed.

Many so-called experts advocate for women to modify their behaviour and employ ‘workarounds’ to avoid push-back based on societal expectations. I do not subscribe to this theory. I think it perpetuates the stereotypes and entrenches the problem. If we want meaningful change, we need to start talking about the elephant in the room and coax it out of the corner and into the light.

I believe we’re better served by showing up in our full authenticity and in so doing start to break down ill-informed barriers and expectations. We get what we tolerate in life. If we continue to tolerate discrimination, we will continue to attract it.

Instead, as per the first ‘W’ of my signature 5W model – ‘who’ – I invite you to consider, with intention, who you want to show up as in every negotiation. Choose the power of your authentic self, showing up in your full technicolor.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Use Allies Coaches and Connectors to Catapult your Career

Part IV of the ‘How to Negotiate Effective Relationships with Mentors and Sponsors to Advance Your Career’ series

Many key roles make up the constellation of relationships that can help catapult your career.  Effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies, coaches and connectors is one of the fastest ways to launch your career, yet they are often misunderstood or overlooked altogether. This mini-series is designed to raise your awareness about how to find mentors, sponsors, allies, coaches, and connectors, and how to use them to advance your career.

In Part I of this series, we highlighted the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies, and coaches. In Part II of this series, we talked about how to find mentors to boost your career. In Part III of this series, we talked about how to find sponsors to turbo-boost your career.

Today, for Part IV of this series, we are going to break down what allies, coaches and connectors are and discuss how to use these relationships to get maximum benefit. These are the three most-oft ignored assets in relationship-building to build a career. Understanding how these 3 roles differ from one another can be key in getting you better opportunities and propelling your career to new heights.

What is an Ally?

Having allies in the work field is essential when trying to work your way up the ladder. Allies are individuals or groups of people that rally to support you.  Allies back you up and help enforce your ideas. They may offer assistance, support, or friendship. This support may be for a specific project or issue or can be more general or broad-based in the workplace.

By way of example, if you have an issue coming up at work to effect a change in approach or philosophy, and you expect there will be resistance to the idea, it can be a game-changer to solicit allies in advance of the proposal. Having others reinforce the strength of the idea can offer increased leverage and pave the way for easier acceptance, making the difference between rejection or adoption of the proposal.

Likewise, in situations where your ideas are consistently being taken by others in the boardroom and/or you’re not getting the recognition you deserve for your contributions or ideas, having allies in the room who can speak up is invaluable. i.e. “Thanks for picking up on Cindy’s idea, Sam. I agree she’s raised an important point.”

Having allies helps with confidence because you know they have your back, and there is strength in numbers.

How to Find an Ally and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

Allies can be a wide range of people who can offer you support in one way or another. They could be your colleagues, your manager, or a resource group where members support your ideas. Many alliances happen organically, where you bond and form relationships naturally through shared interests or goals. If you want to seek out an ally, it is important to get to know people in your network and build those relationships, to increase likelihood they will naturally become allies. It is also important to be an ally to others. The more connections you make and people you have backing you, the more likely your ideas are to be heard, which can help boost your career.

What is a Coach?

Coaches are often confused with mentors but there are distinct differences. Coaches teach others and provide them with guidance to help them grow. They provide knowledge and tools for the people they are coaching and help them perform to the best of their ability. Coaches give feedback and help you get tangible results.

A coach will typically provide a thought-provoking experience that helps you to see your own goal and maximize your potential. A coach tends to be a more short-term relationship, with a specific outcome in mind. These outcomes can involve both ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ work. In other words, coaches can be invaluable in assisting with the mindset work necessary to allow you to step into the most powerful version of yourself. They can also offer new skills and expertise as well as tips and tricks to fast-track your progress. With the right coach, you can cut years off the learning curve so they’re worth their weight in gold.

How to Find a Coach and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

 A coach may be somebody that is in your network already. Coaches are usually experts in their field. They may already be in your network, or you can seek out experts in your field outside of your network. There are exceptional coaches available for hire, either for one-on-one coaching experiences or as part of a group coaching experience or program.

If you can find a coach who has expertise, reputation, and is able to provide the tools you need to improve your skills, this could be a big step in personal and professional growth and could help boost your career.

What is a Connector?

Connectors are people who may not help you directly but can help connect you with other people who can benefit you in your career. A connector may be someone who has a lot of connections, and who is good at networking. Connectors can help boost your career by introducing you to people who may become mentors, sponsors, allies, or coaches.

How to Find a Connector and Use Them to Get Maximum Benefit?

The best way to find Connectors is to expand your network and meet new people. The more people you know, the more likely you are to meet people that can connect you to the people that can help boost your career. It is important to network and go to events to make these crucial connections.

Having the knowledge about what each of these roles are, the benefits of having them, and how to find them is sure to be a step towards advancing your career. And, as always, it’s critical to be intentional about seeking out these valuable supports and building your ‘team’ to catapult your career and success.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Find a Sponsor to Turbo-Boost Your Career

Part III of the ‘How to Negotiate Effective Relationships with Mentors and Sponsors to Advance Your Career’ series

How would you like a personal champion in the workplace? Having a sponsor is an extremely effective way to hyper-boost your career and get you better opportunities. Yet, this approach is rarely talked about. This is partially due to lack of awareness about what a sponsor is, how they can help, and how to form these relationships. Let’s uncover this well-kept secret so you can take advantage of the benefits a sponsor offers.

Knowing what a sponsor is and what they can do for you is the first step to boosting your career. This is particularly important for women, as research shows that women tend to be over-mentored but under-sponsored. Having a mentor is important but it isn’t enough to turbo-boost your career on its own. The combination of mentors and sponsors will help you climb higher faster. Mentors help you skill-up while sponsors help you move up.

Effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches is one of the fastest ways to launch your career. As with most things in life, this is a negotiation, both in terms of negotiating your mindset and the workplace negotiations that lead to best sponsor relationships. My work with clients on this issue can have profound positive impact. I wanted to share some insights with you. This mini-series is designed to raise your awareness about how to find them, how to use them most effectively, and how to maintain positive relationships.

In Part I of this series, we highlighted the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies, and coaches. In Part II of this series, we talked about how to find mentors to boost your career. Today we are going to discuss who makes a good sponsor, and how to attract potential sponsors to maximize your opportunities. Sponsors are equally as important as mentors and play a powerful role in your career advancement. Though we often confuse these two roles, they are actually very different.

What is a Sponsor?

A sponsor is someone who can help open doors for you and create a path for better opportunities. They bring up your name when you aren’t around and speak about your strengths in rooms you don’t have access to. They help ensure you get access to promotions and opportunities that may not have been available to you otherwise. Sponsors speak about you and help you behind the scenes, using their internal capital within the organization to move you forward.

Praises from a sponsor can be a great way to get your name out there and climb the ladder. Not having a sponsor requires you to put in much more work and effort to get yourself noticed. However, some people have sponsors that they don’t even know are advocating for them.

Who Makes a Good Sponsor

A good sponsor is usually someone who has authority and influence, and therefore the power to make big things happen for you. In other words, you want someone with the requisite juice to be heard. Ideally your sponsor will also offer a safety net and help insulate you to the extent possible in the case of downsizing, layoffs, reorganizations, or other organizational changes.

When looking for a sponsor, it is a good idea to look to see who is in your network already. From there, you can also expand your search to find who you would want in your network.

Asking for a Sponsor vs. Attracting a Sponsor Organically

Asking someone with authority to be a sponsor is an option, but most of the time sponsorships happen organically. Typically, you don’t choose them; they choose you. And so, it’s important to take steps to attract the right sponsor(s).

Usually getting a sponsor requires confidence, knowledge and acting with intention. If you do all the right things to attract a sponsor, and act with intention, sponsors will see your capabilities and the relationship will evolve naturally.

How to Attract a Quality Sponsor

Make Yourself Indispensable

Putting yourself out there and performing to the best of your ability is the best way to get a sponsor. Work hard to be seen an expert in your field. You want to be seen as somebody who is the best at what they do, who is a leader, and who brings something unique to the table. Make sure you have a good work ethic and an impressive portfolio.

Another way to attract a sponsor is to make yourself indispensable. If you are proactive, taking on big projects, going above and beyond call of duty and taking on extra work, this will make you indispensable. If you fill gaps in your organization that weren’t being filled before, it will really catch the attention of potential sponsors. Get involved in a variety of projects and grow your network.

Connect Over Shared Interests

Connecting with potential sponsors is important and shared interests is a great way to do this. If you have common passions and interests, this can catch the attention of people you may not have spoken to or built relationships with otherwise. This applies for both work-related passions and interests, and non-work-related ones such as sports, music, causes, or other hobbies. This can lead to strong personal relationships, and through spending time together, the sponsor will see your professional potential.

Be Visible

Don’t work under the radar. Keep track of your accomplishments within the organization (and beyond). Ensure your achievements are noticed. Share your victories when possible. Have an ‘elevator pitch’ ready so when you meet a potential high-powered sponsor at an event, meeting or otherwise, you have an introduction ready that showcases your strong suits.

Share Your Goals

Be sure you have clarity about your own goals within the organization and be sure to share those goals with upper management. If you don’t know where you want to go, others won’t be able to take you there.

These tips are sure to help you find the sponsors to help turbo-boost your career. Negotiating simple mindset shifts will help you with your confidence and help you act intentionally to find sponsors that will advance your career.

Stay tuned for the next part in the series, where we’ll discuss allies, coaches and connectors.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Find a Mentor to Boost Your Career

Part II of the ‘How to Negotiate Effective Relationships with Mentors and Sponsors to Advance Your Career’ series

Effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches is one of the fastest ways to launch your career and keep it on the success track. Yet this simple practice is often overlooked. This mini-series is designed to raise your awareness about how to find mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches, how to use them most effectively and how to maintain positive relationships to stay upwardly mobile. As with most things in life, this is a negotiation.

In Part I of this series, we kickstarted the conversation by highlighting the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies, and coaches. People often mix up these terms. It’s important to know what role each can meaningfully play in your advancement and career growth.

Like any effective negotiation, preparation is critical. Doing this basic homework is an essential part of the preparation process in planning your successful negotiations for effective relationships with mentors and sponsors.

Knowing they exist is a key first step in the process. I missed out early in my career as the concept of mentorship and sponsorship wasn’t in my consciousness. It cost me significant additional time, energy, angst and opportunities. I don’t want you to make the same mistake.

Today we’re going to discuss how to find the best mentor to help boost your career. Maximizing your effectiveness in this arena involves negotiating your mindset and challenging current biases or preconceptions.

Check Your Current Network

Who are the people in your network already? We often make the mistake of assuming that our search is ‘out there’ and ignore the low-hanging fruit that’s already in our circle. Who do you already know that may be able to make introductions for you, advance your skillset, advance your connections, show you the ropes and share the top mistakes to avoid? I invite you to go through your current contact list and consider who in that list could be a valuable potential resource for you.

Big Fish vs Best Fish

We also make the mistake of assuming we need to find a ‘big fish’ right out of the gate. Your mentor only needs to be ahead of where you’re at now. In fact, sometimes it can be advantageous to find someone who is only a few steps ahead of you on the path you seek to follow.

I made the mistake of building a base of mentors who were all at the pinnacle of where I wanted to be with my Women On Purpose mission. They were so far down the path they forgot what the foundational building blocks were, and so I spent much time running in circles trying to emulate their protocols (which didn’t work when I hadn’t built an audience yet). In hindsight, I would have been better to find people who were just ahead of me on the journey so I could learn from their mistakes and ensure I started building my business on a solid base from the starting gate. You’ll want some ‘big fish’ for the big picture, but don’t undervalue the benefits of ensuring you also enlist some ‘best fish’ for where you’re at now.

Build a Board of Mentors

Don’t expect to have all your needs met through just one mentor. You’ll need multiple skills to launch a successful career, so it stands to reason that you’ll need multiple mentors. Consider what skills you need to advance your career and be intentional about seeking out mentors who can offer those skills. Maybe some are fantastic at networking, others at public speaking, still others at team building, etc. Are there particular skills you’ll need to advance your career? Hook yourself up with a team (or board) of mentors who can help in each area you identify as key.

Get Clarity Around Your Goals

Before you start to approach potential mentors, get clarity around your short-term and long-term goals. Use the SMART method. i.e. make sure your goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound. The more specific you can get about your end goals, the easier it will be for you to find the right mentors.

Looking Outside Your Circle

To the extent that you don’t have as full a roster or network as you would like, get intentional about who you want to bring into your network. Once you’ve mined your current network, as noted above, be ready to look outside your circle. Who do you look up to? Who is best aligned with and equipped to help you meet your specific goals? Who would be a good fit? If you don’t feel you have access to those who would best serve, consider joining masterminds, programs, or groups that can help you get in circles with people can better serve you.

Different is Good

We tend to be drawn to people who are like us, who look like us, who come from similar backgrounds. This is known as affinity bias. We’re all guilty of it and it takes intention to break this habit or conditioning. Your mentor may not look like you or think like you. In fact, I invite you to be intentional about looking for mentors who are not like you, whether based on gender, race, economic or class background, politically, ideologically, and beyond. Look for mentors who represent a broad spectrum. That approach is more likely to open more doors, open more perspectives, and give you more value in moving forward to better advance your career.

These quick tips will help you find the mentors to best serve you. Negotiating simple mindset shifts with ourselves can better position us to take advantage of superior mentor relationships.

Stay tuned for the next part in the series, where we’ll discuss how to find sponsors to turbo-boost your career.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Negotiate Effective Relationships with Mentors and Sponsors to Advance Your Career Pt 1

Difference Between Sponsors, Mentors, Allies and Coaches

There’s lots of talk out there on how to launch your career. Everyone purports to offer the secret sauce. But one of the oft-overlooked aspects of catapulting your career is the effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches. So, I thought we’d tackle this important angle of managing your career so you can improve your odds of getting further faster.

I’m keen on this subject as I confess, I did not manage this with intention during my career. I wish someone had taught me this valuable skill early. It could have paved the way for much smoother paths. Coming from my blue-collar background, I had no exposure to people who had gone the post-secondary route or to professionals or to C-suite corporate contacts. I had to find my way, feeling in the dark, and pushing ahead through sheer determination and perseverance. It certainly would have helped had I known to actively seek out mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches at each stage of my development to help me navigate the path and to advocate for me where appropriate.

For Part I of this series, I thought it made sense to kickstart the conversation by talking about the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies and coaches, because people often get these terms mixed up. To use them effectively, you’ll want to know what role each can meaningfully play in your advancement and career growth. Many make the mistake of expecting one person to capture all roles. This is not realistic and attempts to do so will likely be counterproductive.

Sponsors are people who can help open doors for you. They will bring up your name in rooms that you don’t have access to. Sponsors lobby for you behind closed doors to make sure you get access to promotions and opportunities that otherwise, maybe you wouldn’t. They will sing your praises and suggest you be put forward for training and/or job opportunities that may arise.

Sometimes you’ll know who these people are, and sometimes you won’t even know they are advocating for you. You can actively seek out a sponsor, but often these relationships happen organically. If you’re looking for a sponsor and that’s a relationship you want to foster, make sure to choose someone who’s got authority i.e., someone who’s got the juice to make things happen for you.

Mentors are going to actually help you learn the ropes in your career or business, either generally or in specific areas. You want to make sure you’ve got mentors who are helping you with various aspects of your skill development and your ability to move forward in your career. It’s interesting to note studies suggest women tend to be over-mentored, but under-sponsored. I thought it was worthwhile to get some clarity about the difference between these various roles.

With mentors, we often think of seeking a single mentor – that one almighty mentor who is going to get us where we need to go. The reality is that there are different skills you’ll need to advance your career to the fullest extent possible. It just makes sense that you’ll need multiple mentors as well. I advise that you make a list of the key skills you’ll need to advance your career. Then make a list of people who are exceptional in each of the particular skills you’ve identified as necessary. From there, you can start to choose from the range of mentors who could assist to elevate you.

Allies are a different breed. Allies are individuals or groups of people you can rally to support you, either on a particular issue or more generally in the workplace. For example, if your ideas keep being taken by others in the room, or you’re not getting recognized for the contributions you’re making, having allies in the room, who can speak up and make a point of saying, “Oh, that was actually Cindy’s idea, so thanks for reinforcing that Joe” (or something like that) can be valuable. Or if you’ve got a particularly sensitive issue coming up in the workplace, having allies on side before you get to that critical meeting can offer great leverage.

They say that coaches talk to you, mentors, talk with you and sponsors talk for you. That’s an oversimplification, but a good starting point to draw distinctions between the different resources you’ll want to seek. As someone who does a lot of coaching work myself, I don’t think that effective coaches just talk to you. Ideally, they want to work with you and for you as well.

I encourage you to be intentional in seeking mentors, sponsors, allies, and coaches in furtherance of your career. All will be important in getting you noticed and advanced. It’s the winning combination of skills, recognition, connection, and support that will move the dial more quickly and more significantly.

As women, we tend to think that if we just put our head down, do the work and do a good job, we’ll be noticed. The reality is that most people who take that approach end up hitting a roadblock in their advancement. In this busy world where there is so much noise, it’s important to be intentional about making sure you’re noticed, your skills are noticed, and your contributions are noticed.

Identifying the difference between each of the groups that will assist you on this path is the starting point. I hope this breakdown of the distinctions helps you kickstart your journey to effective mentoring and beyond.

Stay tuned next week as we delve further into this issue, exploring how to find mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches and how to maintain positive relationships.

If you prefer audio, check out my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast episode on the issue.

If you’re looking to up-level your negotiation skills, I’ve got everything from online to group, to my signature one-on-one mastermind or VIP experiences available to help you better leverage your innate power to be able to get out there and get more of what you want and deserve in life.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Negotiate Past Impostor Syndrome

Negotiation is an art. When negotiating, not only must you be accustomed to the situation and facts, it’s also very important to be in tune with yourself. Confidence is very closely knit with negotiation, and self-doubt can often damage your ability to negotiate.

Impostor syndrome can create this self-defeating self-doubt. Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern where someone feels like they’re not good enough or worthy or deserving despite their accomplishments.

I recently interviewed Sheryl Anjanette, author of the best-selling, The Imposter Lies Within. Sheryl works with high-achieving corporate individuals and entrepreneurs to kick impostor syndrome to the curb and effectively assists them in moving forward with confidence and peace of mind, embracing their accomplishments unapologetically.

Where Does Impostor Syndrome Come From?

Impostor syndrome isn’t born from nothingness. It begins in our formative years (from three to eleven years old). Impostor syndrome can build after those years, but ideally it’s important to do a deep dive into it when we are younger.

Every child will go through experiences. Whether an experience was truly significant or not isn’t as important as the interpretation the child has of it. That meaning begins to formulate in the child’s head. At the very core of impostor syndrome are these feelings of “I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not deserving. My voice doesn’t matter!”

It settles in the child’s head and their mind looks for supporting evidence. The reticular activating system complies, saying, “Oh, you see, I’m really not good enough. Oh, I’m really not worthy.” And all of these experiences and thought processes layer constantly, creating heaviness. These experiences and thought processes formulate our beliefs about ourselves in the world.

How Do You Recognize Impostor Syndrome?

The most obvious indication of impostor syndrome is your thinking habits. It’s important to focus on the habitual thinking patterns where there’s a disconnect between your accomplishments and how you feel about them. The disconnect of someone who’s experiencing impostor syndrome will feel like “they’re going to find me out. They’re going to figure out I’m not as good as they thought.”

There’s a fear of exposure. Oftentimes, if you’re experiencing impostor syndrome, you’ll feel like a fraud. And despite your accomplishments of a degree, medals, certifications, experience, etc. you may still think you are a fraud. Anjanette shared a framework of archetypes to help people categorize how impostor syndrome shows up.

The Six Archetypes

The Perfectionist

  • The thin line between high-achieving and perfectionism is often crossed, especially among workaholics and individuals with impostor syndrome. This archetype will focus only on the flaws and exaggerate them so much you forget about the amazing things you’ve accomplished.

  • It’s important to acknowledge habits of being motivated to perfection through fear and being paralyzed by the idea of failure.

The People Pleaser

  • One that will go above and beyond in attempting to please everybody in their lives. A common archetype in individuals with low self-esteem who over-compensate in ways that are unnecessary in achieving their goals in life.

  • These people are unaware that you don’t have to please or like and be liked by everyone in life.

The Expert

  • A person that will never be satisfied with their knowledge and will always strive for more, oftentimes unwarranted. The person who feels like they need just one more degree or certification to finally be good enough.

The Lone Ranger

  • Often referred to as ‘the soloist’, this is someone who has trouble delegating. These people do things alone and are often afraid to ask for help.

  • Can often be a slippery slope, as once you’ve been a lone ranger for many years, it’s hard to escape it even when recognizing the bad habits.

The Superhero

  • Often related to the saviour complex, someone with ‘The Superhero’ archetype of impostor syndrome will overcompensate in their lives to feel like ‘Super-Mom’, ‘Super-Career-Woman’, ‘Super-Everything’

The Prodigy

  • This person will always feel the need to go from zero-to-hero, or beginner to master immediately in order to be good enough; just because that “in-between” stage is too much of a slippery slope of competency, facing the fear of failure.

Once you recognize your archetype and the fact that you’re experiencing impostor syndrome, acceptance and acknowledgement are important. You aren’t suffering or struggling, you’re simply experiencing. Words are very powerful and choosing the right terminology to help you move forward in life will help you get back on track quickly.

The Holistic Approach to Negotiating Past Impostor Syndrome

The holistic approach to negotiating past your impostor syndrome begins with a concept called the mind stack. The stack of layers symbolizes your experiences, with the bottom representing your first experiences. Just above that stack are your beliefs. This is your foundation. Above the foundation sits your emotional identity, your thoughts, the words you use, your inner dialogue, and your self-talk. Your emotional identity is almost the glue between your foundation and beliefs, representing your interpretative settling of those beliefs. i.e. “I’m identifying as a person that is not good enough. I must be the little weakling that nobody wants on the team. Oh, I’m just the girl.”

As you go up the mind stack, you start to see your behaviours across the subconscious mind. These behaviours represent the decisions we make. These result in habits and common actions that you take throughout your day and mix in with your behaviours. You interrupt people frequently: a bad behaviour that was once a bad habit. 4 o’clock rolls around: you grab a cookie. That bad behaviour was also once a bad habit. We often wonder where the origin of these decisions comes from.

When you’re looking at these behaviours, pattern beliefs, and habits, you’re working from the outside-in, which is ineffective! When you do the deep dive and start from the inside-out, you go all the way back to these experiences and you look at the meaning you gave the experience. Confronting past experiences can be hard, especially traumatic ones. But this is a necessary step in not only excelling in our positions, but to also feel better. We’re not erasing the experiences; we’re simply acknowledging them and the faults of our past and making a decision. What’s the story you’re going to keep? What’s the narrative going to be? How are you going to feel about that, from now on?

Past traumatic and negative experiences can be hard to think about and confront intra-personally. As mentioned earlier, a key factor in happiness and confidence is the way you think. How are you going to reframe these experiences? What have you learned from the experience to better yourself as a person?

As adults, we get to choose our story. We make choices and influence ourselves and others around us. You always have the choice about the story you’re going to tell yourself.

In order to move past impostor syndrome, underlying issues must be confronted and dealt with. Note that impostor syndrome is genderless. Self-confidence is belittled in both boys and girls alike at a very young age. I hope you found Sheryl’s knowledge and method of negotiating past impostor syndrome helpful. You can access the full interview with Sheryl, Negotiating Past Impostor Syndrome, HERE.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Use Sensuality to Negotiate More Effectively

I know what you may be thinking from the title of this post – what does sensuality have to do with negotiation? These are not words commonly used together. But learning about sensuality and sensual confidence can be key in helping you become a more effective negotiator.

I recently interviewed Candia Raquel, founder of Centro de Poder (Power Center). Candia is dedicated to helping workaholic women feel sensually confident by moving with postural presence and teaching them how they can use this to get better outcomes. Today I will be sharing some of the most valuable insights from our interview with you.

What is Sensuality?

Given our unacknowledged hang-ups about sex in North American culture, the word ‘sensuality’ is often misconstrued and carries baggage for many. Sensuality is simply sensing pleasure through the senses. If you raise your awareness, it can act like a thermometer for how you’re really feeling. You can use it as your North star to see if you need a course correction. The body never lies. Sensuality is your primal indicator of what’s going on. Ignore it at your peril.

As humans, we are often driven by desire. This means we tend to focus on getting what we want, unaware of our experiences on a physical level. In doing so, we miss valuable opportunities for better outcomes in life.

We are conditioned to seek our desired outcomes through pushing, hustling, struggling and enduring. This mindset can be counter-productive. When we’re striving and driving to achieve (i.e. I want the house, the boat, the degree, etc.), believing we won’t be satisfied until we get the ‘thing’ (whatever that may be in a given situation), the effort outweighs the perceived benefit and we abandon the dream or goal.

Likewise, in our negotiations, if the process is not pleasurable, and in fact is uncomfortable, you will not be as effective. You won’t get the buy-in, long-term agreements, better relationships, or most creative solutions.

How Does Sensuality Improve Negotiations?

Candia explained that once you tap into your sensuality, you will find a natural organization, flow and pacing that leads to a smoother process and better results. You will have acute information about what is going on, especially in challenging situations such as negotiations. In our negotiations, we typically look for the so-called ‘win’, focusing our energy on the other person or outcome or how we’ll respond, rather than being in the moment through the sensual experience.

In a negotiation, when you come from a place of feeling good, enjoying the process, and taking the risk, it is a much more effective approach than coming from a place of being deprived of pleasure and taking something from someone. The difference between these two mindsets can really change the outcome of a negotiation.

If you come from this ‘hungry ghost’ place in bargaining, devoid of pleasure, you show up differently. It’s a more powerful approach to show up from a place of enjoyment and desire, seeking to listen to the other party and experience the process.

Even when we achieve our goals, we often block ourselves from experiencing sensual pleasure because we aren’t used to it. However, if you retrain yourself to enjoy the sensual pleasure while achieving your goals, you’ll enjoy the pleasure when you get there too. In other words, tap into your sensuality to enjoy the journey and in so doing get better overall results.

Confidence rooted in sensuality means that you are not only confident about your previous successes and knowledge, but you are confident about and in the present moment. Your words, expression, and position can all change the negotiation in the moment, no matter how much previous knowledge and success you have. Your sensual confidence shows the strength of your presence.

Masculine vs Feminine Energy

We have been conditioned to define success based on a competitive, masculine model. Both men and women came to see their feminine as a liability and believed they had to show up with a more aggressive energy to be successful.

We are in a historical moment where we are redefining these reference points and reminding ourselves how to tap into our sensuality, pleasure, and warmth to show up as full versions of ourselves both personally and professionally as we negotiate our best lives. Coming forth with all that you are allows you to take back your center of power and with it, increased creativity.

The Three Ps

Candia explained her signature 3P model to unlock sensuality in yourself. The three P’s stand for posture, presence, and pleasure.

  1. Posture

Posture is how your body is doing – If your posture is collapsed, the effect will ripple into your presence.

  1. Presence

Presence is how you are seen. When you get intentional about being in the moment, fully there for and engaged with the other party, you will be present. If you lose your presence, you lose your advantage.

  1. Pleasure

Pleasure is how you are feeling in the moment. How your body is feeling physically will tell you a lot about if you are uncomfortable or if something is going wrong. Tune in to your body and use that to guide you.

You need all three P’s for sensuality to happen. In a negotiation, some people will collapse into smallness and fall into what Candia calls the disease to please. On the other hand, others go into a negotiation with the competitive model showing ego and arrogance. When you approach a negotiation in either of these ways, making yourself taller than you are or shrinking yourself down, it takes away from your sensuality.

It takes sensuality to have strong enough confidence to show up with a willingness to be seen just as you are, be fully present, and step into your feminine power. When you do this, it sets the tone for the negotiation, you enjoy the process, and it can lead to better outcomes even in the most challenging negotiations.

These tips are sure to serve both men and women by remembering the three Ps of sensuality and tapping in your feminine energy to become a more effective negotiator.

Check out the full interview with Candia on Apple Podcast, Art of Feminine Negotiation Podcast.

Or if you’re more visual, check out the video on our Women On Purpose & Subscribe Please.