Author: Cindy Watson

Negotiation is a skill that permeates every aspect of our lives. We negotiate with others, with our circumstances, and though not talked about as much but perhaps most importantly, with ourselves. How can we take control of this last aspect to enhance our life? Have you ever considered the concept of negotiating with your future self? It’s a powerful tool for personal development. It goes beyond merely setting goals; it involves engaging in a dynamic dialogue with the person you aspire to become.

 

The Art of Self-Negotiation

Self-negotiation is powerful but can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it empowers us to challenge ourselves and push beyond our comfort zones. On the other, it can lead to self-sabotage if not approached with intention. Mastering the art of productive self-negotiation is key to unlocking your potential. When you negotiate with your future self, you’re essentially making promises and setting expectations. Think of it as entering into a contract with the person you want to become. This process takes courage, requiring honesty, introspection, and a willingness to confront your current limitations.

 

Understanding Your Inner BATNA

In negotiation theory, we often refer to BATNA – the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Typically, we consider external options available to us. But when negotiating with yourself, it’s crucial to cultivate your “inner BATNA”, taking responsibility for meeting your own needs and freeing yourself psychologically from external constraints.

To develop your inner BATNA:

1. Identify Your Core Values and Aspirations: Understand what truly matters to you.
2. Cultivate Independence: Empower yourself to pursue your goals without relying solely on external validation.
3. Create Alternatives: Develop options that enable you to move forward, regardless of external circumstances.

Your strongest negotiation position is rooted in self-sufficiency and inner strength.

 

Reframing Your Perspective

One of the most transformative aspects of negotiating with your future self is the opportunity to reframe your perspective. Your experience of life is determined by the perspective you choose to embrace. So why not choose more positive perspectives? Instead of viewing challenges as obstacles, consider them stepping stones toward your aspirations. This mindset shift can profoundly influence how you approach personal growth and negotiations in all areas of life.

 

The Power of Personal Development

Investing in personal development is essential for effective self-negotiation. The best negotiators understand themselves deeply. This self-awareness allows you to:

1. Recognize Personal Barriers: Identify issues that can hinder your growth.
2. Build Confidence: Develop a strong sense of self-worth and capability.
3. Enhance Emotional Intelligence: Navigate complex negotiations with greater ease.

 

Practical Steps for Negotiating with Your Future Self

1. Clarify Your Vision: Define who you want to become. What does your ideal future self look like, feel like, and achieve? You can’t hit a fuzzy target so be sure to get clarity about where you’re heading.
2. Set High Aspirations: Don’t be afraid to dream big. Your future self is capable of more than you might currently believe.
3. Create Milestones: Break down your aspirations into manageable steps, creating a clear roadmap for your journey.
4. Hold Yourself Accountable: Treat agreements with yourself as seriously as those made with others. Use tools like journaling or accountability partners to stay on track.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself when facing setbacks; negotiation is about finding win-win solutions.
6. Regularly Re-negotiate: As you grow and evolve, be open to adjusting your aspirations and commitments.
7. Celebrate small wins: Be sure to celebrate along the journey to maintain motivation and momentum.

The ‘Feminine’ Approach to Self-Negotiation

Negotiating with your future self isn’t about harsh discipline or unrealistic expectations; it’s about creating a compassionate dialogue that propels you toward your highest potential. Embrace your innate qualities of empathy and intuition as strengths in this process – your secret weapons. Remember that in mastering the art of negotiating with your future self you’re actively shaping the person you’re becoming. It’s one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have. It’s an opportunity to align your actions with your values and aspirations, one decision at a time.

Are you ready to sit down at the negotiation table with your future self? This conversation might just be the key to unlocking the life you’ve always envisioned.

April Fool’s Day has just passed. Some people love it, while others hate being made the fool. Regardless of what side you come down on, there are some valuable tips we can learn from April Fool’s Day that will serve us on this auspicious day each year and well beyond. In fact, some of the things that will up-level our April Fool’s Day experience will also allow us to negotiate our best lives, both personally and professionally.

Before we dig in to those nuts and bolts, let me just observe that most people go through life fearing the possibility of looking like a fool. We fear failure. We fear rejection. We fear getting ‘no’ to our requests. These fears hold us back from stepping into the best version of ourselves.

Ironically, it’s in pushing past these fears that we can achieve our greatest triumphs. Failure is the path to success. Almost all great achievements throughout history came on the heels of repeated failures. When we can embrace the failure, we forge the path to breakthroughs.

I invite you to reframe the concept of looking ‘foolish’. Failing is not foolish. It’s brave and necessary. Accepting ‘no’s’ along the journey and pushing forward builds growth and momentum on the road to success. Challenging accepted dictums creates new perspectives and initiatives for expansion.

So, think bigger. Act bolder. Take chances. Trust in yourself, knowing that you will make mistakes and looking forward to the learning that comes from that.

Now, to the meat of how we can be fools on April Fool’s Day and beyond. Having clarified that failing and taking chances is not foolish, let’s explore what does constitute foolishness and how we can avoid it.

April Fool’s Day used to about trying to trick people as a gaffe or gag. It celebrated the art of trying to make others believe something that was patently false. It was a half-day ‘hall pass’ to fudge the facts and mislead.

Sadly, in today’s world it is increasingly common to see people being played the fool daily when they don’t distinguish between truth and lies. When they don’t bother to separate fact from fiction, reality from fantasy. This will become even more important with advances in technology that allow for outright fabrication of videos etc.

‘Fake news’ has become the rally cry of this generation. Whether in mainstream media or social media or in our daily exchanges, we are inundated with inaccurate information. The consequences of these falsehoods can be quite serious, as was evidenced when the world was ripped apart with vastly opposing views on COVID, with both ‘sides’ purportedly certain about the correctness of their convictions and little opportunity for meaningful dialogue.

So, how do we avoid being made the fool? Here’s a few quick tips to consider.

I Don’t believe everything you read

The breadth of the dissemination of information does not corelate with its reliability. In other words, just because you see something spreading like wildfire does not increase the reliability of the information. Viral videos do not afford them greater credibility. In fact, sometimes the opposite is true. Sensationalism attracts attention. Distortion can stand out and attract more attention.

Be intentional about distinguishing supported facts from bald assertions.

II Tap into your intuition

Allow yourself to invoke your intuition. The more you hone it, the more reliable it will become. If your guts send you a signal about the reliability (or lack of reliability) about information, trust it enough to explore the issue rather than accepting what you see or hear at face value.

Our intuition used to be relied upon to save our lives. If we sensed danger, we trusted that intuition and stood on guard for that sabre toothed tiger. Somewhere along the line we ceded its power to passive receipt of information from other sources. It’s time we tapped into our intuition again to guide our responses as others actively seek to mislead (whether for their own gain, for the chaos itself, or inadvertently through lack of responsible filtering).

Ask yourself if what you’re seeing or hearing is consistent with your experience of that person or thing. If questions arise, or a niggling doubt rubs, trust them.

III Do your homework

Rather than passively receiving information and blindly accepting it, do a little fact-checking.

• Look to reliable sources that ensure vigorous fact-checking protocols.
• Consider the internal consistency (or lack thereof) of the information you’re receiving. Is it at odds with your current understanding of the world on that issue?
• Consider the external consistency of the information. Is it at odds with other external indicators?
• Seek differing perspectives and viewpoints and look at it through multiple possible lenses.

IV Only share reliable information

Don’t be guilty of passing on information which may not be accurate … especially if that information has the potential to cause harm.

Apply Socrates triple filter test on truth:

If what you’re going to say/share is:

• not true; and/or
• (ii) not good; and/or
• (iii) not useful;

don’t say it!

 

Don’t me made a fool. I hope these simple insights help you distinguish between the good, the bad and the ugly so you can live into your best life.

Do you recognize how shame and guilt impact on your life? We all experience both emotions. We often try to ignore them, hoping they might simply disappear in the process  – or at least fade into the background. Denial is rarely, if ever, an effective strategy. This is true in life, and in our negotiations.

Negotiation, whether in our personal or professional lives, involves more than just the exchange of offers and counteroffers. Contrary to many resources on negotiation, it is not a sterile academic exercise where we simply apply certain rules, tactics and templates to get a desired outcome. It’s important to consider the human element of our negotiations as the process taps into our deep-seated emotions. Understanding and managing these emotions is key. Among the most impactful of these emotions are shame and guilt, both of which can profoundly influence the outcomes of negotiations.

Let’s take a moment to explore shame and guilt as they arise in negotiations.

The Role of Shame and Guilt in Negotiation

Shame and guilt are distinct emotions that can manifest differently in our negotiations. Guilt typically arises from a sense that we’ve done something wrong, leading to a desire to make amends. Shame, on the other hand, is more deeply ingrained, stemming from the belief that something is inherently wrong with ourselves. This distinction is crucial in understanding how these emotions can affect negotiation strategies and outcomes.

In negotiation, guilt can be a motivating force, encouraging parties to find a resolution that alleviates their discomfort. For instance, if we feel guilty about an oversight or a previous decision, we may be more inclined to compromise or make concessions to rectify the situation. This can lead to more cooperative behavior and a quicker resolution.

Shame, however, can have more complex and potentially negative effects on negotiation. If we feel shame, we may approach the process with a sense of inferiority or inadequacy, which can undermine our confidence and assertiveness. This can result in us accepting unfavorable terms or avoiding the negotiation altogether. Additionally, shame can make us more susceptible to manipulation, as we may be more eager to please others or avoid conflict, even at our own expense.

Note though that the opposite shadow reaction can also occur. Sometimes individuals experiencing guilt and/or shame try to bury it and push past it, showing up with aggressive, bullying behaviour (rather than facing the monster under the bed and redressing it).

The Gendered Experience of Shame and Guilt in Negotiation

Research suggests that women, in particular, may experience shame and guilt differently in negotiation contexts. Societal expectations and cultural conditioning often place women in a position where we feel compelled to prioritize others’ needs over our own, leading to heightened feelings of guilt when asserting ourselves. Similarly, the fear of being perceived as too aggressive or unlikable can trigger shame, causing women to downplay our demands or withdraw from the negotiation process.

These dynamics can create significant barriers to effective negotiation. Women may struggle to advocate for themselves or fear the repercussions of doing so, leading to less favorable outcomes. Understanding these gendered experiences is essential for developing strategies that empower us to negotiate more effectively.

Take a Moment for Personal Reflection

Consider a time when guilt or shame impacted on how you showed up in a negotiation. How might you have gotten better results if you’d handled these emotions differently? Similarly, consider a time when someone in your life was hampered by shame or guilt in getting the outcomes they wanted or deserved. If you want to get ruthlessly honest with yourself, have you ever used someone else’s guilt or shame against them in getting what you want in a negotiation?

Strategies to Mitigate the Impact of Shame and Guilt

1. Self-Awareness: The first step in mitigating the impact of shame and guilt in negotiation is self-awareness. Recognizing these emotions and understanding their origins can help us address them more effectively in our negotiations (and beyond). This involves reflecting on past experiences and identifying patterns of behavior that may be influenced by shame or guilt.
2. Reframing the Narrative: Reframing how we view the negotiation process can also be helpful. Instead of viewing negotiation as a conflict, choose to see it as a collaborative effort to achieve mutually beneficial outcomes. This shift in perspective can reduce feelings of guilt and shame by focusing on shared goals rather than personal stakes.
3. Preparation and Practice: Preparation is key to building confidence in negotiation. By thoroughly preparing for negotiations, we can feel more secure in our positions and less susceptible to the negative effects of shame and guilt. Role-playing and practice can also help us become more comfortable with asserting ourselves and handling difficult emotions during the negotiation. Be intentional about how you plan to deal with any feelings of guilt and/or shame as part of your preparation process.
4. Seeking Support: Finally, seeking support from mentors, colleagues, or professional coaches can provide valuable insights and encouragement. Discussing feelings of shame and guilt with trusted individuals can help us develop strategies to manage these emotions and approach our negotiations with greater confidence.

Conclusion

Shame and guilt are powerful emotions that can significantly impact the negotiation process. By understanding these emotions and developing strategies to manage them, you can navigate negotiations more effectively, leading to more favorable outcomes you’re your awareness of these dynamics grows, it becomes possible to create a more equitable and empowering negotiation environment for all participants.

In the male-dominated world of corrections, where strength and authority are often the currencies of power, Jane Korosi’s story stands out as a testament to the power of feminine negotiation. I had the pleasure of interviewing Jane on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast. With experience in a maximum-security facility for male offenders, Jane’s journey is a masterclass in navigating tough environments with grace, resilience, and strategic thinking.

Breaking the Mold

Jane’s corrections career spanned roles on the frontline in every area, from admissions and discharge to segregation, dealing with offenders across all security levels. Her extensive experience in such a high-stakes environment honed her negotiation skills in ways few could imagine.

Jane didn’t just survive in this challenging environment—she thrived. Her ability to remain calm under pressure, combined with her strategic use of communication and empathy, allowed her to effectively manage situations many would find overwhelming. She demonstrates that being successful in male-dominated spaces doesn’t require adopting the aggressive tactics often associated with those environments. Instead, by leaning into her strengths as a woman—such as active listening, emotional intelligence, and adaptability—Jane carved out a unique and powerful path.

The Power of Crisis Negotiation

One of the most prestigious roles Jane held was as a crisis negotiator, which allowed her to use her unique skill set to de-escalate the most volatile situations in the correctional system. Being selected as a crisis negotiator marked her as someone who could handle extreme pressure while keeping a clear, focused mind.

In crisis situations, the stakes are incredibly high. The ability to communicate effectively, empathize with the other party, and find common ground can mean the difference between life and death. Jane’s approach to negotiation in these critical moments serves as an important reminder: sometimes, undervalued soft skills—like empathy, patience, and active listening—are the most powerful tools in our arsenal.

Tactical Empathy: Beyond Just Understanding

Empathy is not merely about understanding another person’s feelings; in negotiation, it’s about using that understanding to influence outcomes. Jane mastered this art in her role as crisis negotiator. By genuinely tuning into the emotions and motivations of those she negotiated with—whether an agitated inmate or a staff member under duress—she could craft responses that de-escalated tension and guided conversations towards productive resolutions.

Tactical empathy allowed Jane to negotiate from a place of strength without needing to exert dominance. This approach is particularly useful in environments where trust is low, and tensions high. Building rapport through empathy created a psychological edge, allowing Jane to steer negotiations in a favorable direction without resorting to force.

The Art of Listening: A Powerful Negotiation Tool

One of the cornerstones of Jane’s success was her ability to truly listen. This involves more than just hearing words; it’s about picking up on subtle cues, understanding what’s unsaid, and reading between the lines. This level of deep listening allows for anticipation of issues before they escalate and to address concerns in ways that felt personalized and thoughtful.

In negotiations, especially in high-stress environments like corrections, listening can be a game-changer. When people feel heard, they are more likely to open up and cooperate. Jane created space where even the most hardened individuals felt they had a voice. This  led to negotiation breakthroughs that others might not have achieved.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Negotiation

Emotional intelligence (EQ) was another key element in Jane’s negotiation toolkit. In corrections, where emotions can run high and situations change rapidly, the ability to manage her own emotions and those of others was crucial. Jane’s high EQ allowed her to stay calm and composed, even in the face of provocation, which in turn helped defuse potentially explosive situations.

Jane’s approach to negotiation underscores the importance of self-awareness and emotional regulation. This level of emotional maturity not only earned respect from her peers but also enabled her to handle complex negotiations with finesse.

Lessons for Everyday Negotiations

While few of us will find ourselves in the exact circumstances Jane faced, her experience offers valuable lessons for negotiating in any environment.

1. Strength in Empathy: In situations where brute force might seem like the answer, empathy can be the more effective tool. Understanding the other person’s perspective allows you to connect on a deeper level, facilitating smoother negotiations.
2. Strategic Patience: In high-pressure scenarios, the instinct might be to act quickly. However, taking a moment to assess the situation, understand all the variables, and approach with a calm mind can lead to better outcomes.
3. Communication is Key: Whether you’re in a boardroom or a crisis situation, clear and effective communication is crucial. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. Tone, body language, and timing all play vital roles in successful negotiations.
4. Flexibility in Approach: Jane’s roles required her to adapt constantly—whether she was dealing with a high-security inmate or managing a critical incident. Flexibility in your approach can make you more effective in negotiations, allowing you to pivot as needed to achieve your goals.
5. Listening as a Strategy: Deep listening is a powerful tool that can provide insights into the other party’s true motivations and concerns. By mastering the art of listening, you can create opportunities for mutual understanding and collaboration, leading to more successful outcomes.
6. Emotional Intelligence: Managing your emotions and understanding those of others can significantly impact the direction and outcome of negotiations. Cultivating emotional intelligence allows you to navigate complex situations with grace and effectiveness.

Breaking Down Barriers

Jane’s career is a powerful example of how you can excel by leveraging your feminine strengths. Her success as a crisis negotiator is a reminder that leadership and negotiation don’t always have to follow traditional, ‘masculine’ norms. Instead, embracing empathy, patience, and strategic thinking can break down barriers and create pathways for success in even the most challenging of environments.

When we think about negotiation, we often picture boardrooms, contracts, and high-stakes deals. But what if I told you that some of the most powerful negotiation lessons come not from the corporate world, but from the realm of parenting? After all, the daily dance of guiding, influencing, and sometimes persuading our children is, at its core, a series of negotiations. There are valuable lessons to learn here.

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Nathaniel Turner on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast, a TEDx speaker, author, and financial advisor who’s taken his share of lessons from both life’s hardships and the art of raising a child. His story serves as a powerful reminder that negotiation is an everyday practice, not confined to the professional sphere.

Let’s explore how you can elevate your negotiation game through parenting lessons.

The Power of Intention

Nathaniel’s journey began with a simple, yet profound intention: to be a better father than his own father. “I didn’t know exactly what that meant,” he confessed, “but I just knew I wanted to be better.” It’s critical to approach negotiations with clear intent? Whether we’re navigating a salary discussion, a business deal, or a conversation with a partner, starting with a clear intention can set the tone for the entire interaction.

In negotiation, as in parenting, your intention shapes your approach. Nathaniel didn’t just want to ‘win’ in his relationship with his child; he wanted to foster a better, more meaningful connection. In the same vein, entering a negotiation with the intention to build a lasting relationship or achieve a mutually beneficial outcome often leads to more positive results.

Know the End Before You Begin

Nathaniel advocates a ‘backward design template’ when negotiating parenting. He asks parents, ‘what are your most audacious hopes and dreams for your children?’ Once you determine that, ‘you can map a process to get you to that destination’. The same principle holds true in all negotiations.

Ideally, you want to consider what the desired outcome looks like before you start any negotiation. Then, as part of your preparation process, you consider the strategies and approaches that are most likely to get you where you want to go successfully. Create the ‘map’ to success. After all, you wouldn’t jump in the car to drive across the country for an important engagement without a map to get you there.

Rising Above Adversity

Nathaniel’s story is one of triumph over adversity. Having survived eight adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), he could have let those hardships define him. Instead, he used them as fuel to drive his mission of helping parents and children rise above their own challenges.

In negotiation, we all face our own versions of ACEs—setbacks, disappointments, and difficult counterparts. But just like Nathaniel, we have a choice: let these experiences hold us back or use them to propel us forward. Every challenge we face in negotiation can be an opportunity to learn, grow, and ultimately, achieve better outcomes.

Parenting as the Ultimate Negotiation

At its core, parenting is a continuous series of negotiations. Every day, parents negotiate with their children, balancing boundaries with freedom, guidance with independence. Nathaniel’s approach to parenting is rooted in the desire to help his child become the best version of themselves. This mirrors the mindset we should bring to the negotiation table: how can we help our counterparts reach their best outcomes while also achieving our own goals?

Nathaniel’s story is a reminder that effective negotiation isn’t about outmaneuvering the other party; it’s about collaboration, empathy, and the willingness to see the bigger picture. It’s about knowing when to stand firm and when to yield, all in the service of creating a better outcome for everyone involved.

Conclusion: Bringing it Home

Whether you’re a parent or not, the lessons Nathaniel shared offer a valuable perspective on negotiation. Start with intention, rise above adversity, and remember that the best negotiations are those where both parties walk away feeling like they’ve won. In the end, it’s not just about the deal on the table, but the relationships we build and the positive impact we can have on others’ lives.

So the next time you step into a negotiation—be it in the boardroom or the living room—think about how you can apply these parenting principles. You might just find that the skills you’ve honed in one area of your life can elevate your negotiation game across the board.

Negotiation is an art—a delicate dance between asserting your needs and understanding those of others. But when you’re negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic, that dance becomes even more intricate. In these situations, it’s not just about getting what you want; it’s about engaging with empathy, patience, and respect.

Here’s a few tips on how to navigate these sensitive negotiations with grace and effectiveness.

1. Knowledge is Power: Understand Their World

Before you enter into any negotiation, it’s crucial to understand the terrain. Preparation is a key ingredient to success. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are complex conditions that affect how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. Take time to educate yourself. Understanding the nature of their challenges will allow you to approach the conversation with the empathy it deserves. As Dr. Amador reminds us, “Understanding that their reality may differ from yours can help bridge the gap in communication.” Remember, your negotiation partner may be dealing with internal battles that are invisible to the naked eye.

1. Timing Matters: Pick Your Moment

Timing can be everything when negotiating with someone experiencing mental health challenges. For those with bipolar disorder, the fluctuations between manic, depressive, and stable states mean that some moments are better suited for negotiation than others. The same applies to someone with schizophrenia, who might experience periods of clarity interspersed with more difficult times. Aim to engage when they are in a stable state and be prepared to reschedule if the conversation isn’t going well.

Not only is timing important in choosing when to negotiate, but also within the negotiation. Know when to pause and when to push forward. Be sure to allow time for the other person to absorb and process what you say, to gather their own thoughts, and to respond in their time. Patience here is not just a virtue; it’s a necessity.

1. Simplicity is Key: Communicate Clearly

In any negotiation, clarity is crucial, but it’s especially important when mental health is a factor. Use direct, simple language. Avoid metaphors or abstract concepts that might lead to confusion. If something is essential, don’t hesitate to repeat it to ensure it’s understood. Checking in periodically with questions like, “Does that make sense?” or “Are we on the same page?” can help ensure that your message is being received as intended.

1. Empathy First: Listen with Heart

The cornerstone of any successful negotiation is active listening. When negotiating with someone who has bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, listening becomes even more critical. Let them share their thoughts and feelings without interruption. Acknowledge their emotions and validate their experiences. This isn’t about agreeing with everything they say; it’s about showing that you respect and value their perspective. Empathy is the bridge that can turn a difficult negotiation into a productive dialogue.

1. No F.E.A.R.: Bring the Power of the No F.E.A.R. Model to the Table

Adopt my No F.E.A.R. model as part of your preparation process to help get best outcomes. In advance of the negotiation, consider (i) what fears both you and the other person are likely to bring to the table and how can you best redress them; (ii) how is ego likely to show up for you and the other party and how can you surrender your ego and instead come from a place of curiosity; (iii) what items or ideas or outcomes are you (and they) likely to be too attached to and how can you show up with and encourage more flexibility; and (iv) what triggers are likely to cause reactivity and take things off track (for both you and the other person) and how can you avoid such triggering reactivity.

1. Set Boundaries: Protect Your Space

While it’s essential to be compassionate, it’s equally important to set clear boundaries. Know your limits and don’t be afraid to articulate them. If the conversation becomes too intense, take a break. Revisit the discussion when emotions have cooled. Safety—both emotional and physical—should always be a priority. If the negotiation becomes unsafe or unmanageable, it’s okay to step back and seek appropriate supports.

1. Don’t Go It Alone: Lean on Support

Negotiation doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. In situations where mental health is a factor, consider involving a third party, such as a therapist or mediator, who can help facilitate the conversation. They can provide a neutral perspective and ensure that both sides feel heard. Professional guidance can also help tailor your approach, making the negotiation more effective and less stressful for everyone involved.

1. Flexibility Wins: Be Ready to Adapt

Negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic often requires a flexible mindset. Things might not go as smoothly or as quickly as you’d like. Be prepared to adapt your approach as the situation evolves. Flexibility isn’t about giving in; it’s about finding creative solutions that respect the other person’s needs while still advocating for your own.

1. Follow Through: Keep the Dialogue Open

Negotiation doesn’t end when the conversation does. Follow up with your partner to ensure that the agreement is working for both of you. Open, ongoing communication can prevent misunderstandings and help maintain the relationship. Check in regularly and be mindful of any changes in their mental health that might require you to revisit the discussion.

1. Self-Care: Don’t Forget About You

Finally, remember that negotiating in these circumstances can be emotionally draining. It’s essential to take care of yourself, too. Make time to decompress, seek support if needed, and prioritize your own well-being. You can’t pour from an empty cup—so fill yours up first.

 

Negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic is about more than just finding a solution. It’s about approaching the conversation with compassion, respect, and a willingness to understand their unique perspective. With these strategies, you can navigate even the most challenging negotiations with grace and confidence to get the best possible outcomes for all.

All my kids have flown the coop. My daughter moved into her new digs in the city last weekend and the boys both moved out shortly before that. It’s been a strange adjustment. There’s an unsettling quiet that I’m not used to yet. I know I’m not alone in this bittersweet transition. Every parent deals with empty nest at some point.

As parents, we invest years of our lives nurturing, guiding, and loving our children, helping them grow into the adults they’re meant to become. But what happens when they finally spread their wings and fly? The day they leave home—whether for college, a new job, or to start their own family—can hit us harder than expected. We tend to forget the many hair-pulling and hair-raising moments that had us unsure which way was up and create a Hallmark version of our perceived loss.

This is the essence of empty nest syndrome, a time of transition that can bring a mix of emotions, from pride and excitement to profound loss and uncertainty. But just as we’ve navigated the twists and turns of parenthood, we can also negotiate our way through this new phase with grace, intention, and yes, a touch of creativity.

Here’s a few suggestions on how to embrace this new chapter and find fulfillment in the empty nest.

Negotiate Your Mindset: Acknowledge Your Feelings and Open Up

First things first: give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Recognize that the full range of emotions are valid, whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief, or even guilt for feeling relieved. Acknowledge them without judgment. Empty nesting is a significant change, and it’s natural to experience a sense of loss.

But don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, friends, or a trusted confidant. Open, honest communication is crucial. Share your fears, hopes, and concerns. Bring your feelings into the light so you can better understand and manage them, rather than letting them fester in the dark corners of your mind.

Negotiate Your New Identity: Rediscover and Reinvent Yourself

For years, your identity may have been tied to being a parent. Now, it’s time to rediscover who you are outside that role. What passions did you put on hold while raising your kids? Was there a hobby you loved but never had time to pursue? Now is your moment to dive back in.

Or perhaps there’s something entirely new you’ve always wanted to explore. Whether it’s taking up painting, writing a book, traveling, or learning a new language, now is the perfect time to invest in yourself. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. This is your time to grow. Embrace new roles and opportunities, personally and professionally.

Negotiate Your Intimate Relationship: Reignite the Spark with Your Partner

Empty nest syndrome doesn’t just affect you—it also impacts your relationship with your partner. Suddenly, it’s just the two of you again, without the daily distractions of kids and their busy schedules. This can seem daunting, but it can also be a gift, offering a chance to reconnect on a deeper level.

Start by revisiting what brought you together in the first place. Plan date nights, do weekend getaways, or simply enjoy quiet evenings creating new dreams for the future. It’s an opportunity to rediscover each other and maybe even fall in love all over again.

And, so as not to be accused of being too Pollyanna about this, you may find you’ve grown so far apart that nothing tethers you together anymore. If you’ve tried the suggestions above and it’s clear it isn’t a kneejerk reaction to empty nest, but rather, an insurmountable gap, then I invite you to consider the world of possibilities that may exist for you embarking on a fresh start.

Negotiate Your Connections: Expand Your Social Circle

With the kids gone, you might find that your social life shifts. This can be an exciting time to expand your horizons. Strengthen existing friendships and/or make new ones by getting involved in activities you enjoy. Join clubs, take classes, or participate in community events.

Don’t underestimate the power of a strong support network. Consider joining or forming a group for other empty nesters. Sharing experiences, strategies, and a few laughs with others going through the same thing can be empowering.

Negotiate Space: Focus on Personal Growth and Reflection

This period of transition offers a unique opportunity for introspection. Consider taking up mindfulness or meditation practices to help you stay grounded during this time. Mindfulness can keep you connected to your inner self and help you navigate this new chapter with clarity and calm.

Journaling about your feelings and reflections can also be a powerful tool, offering insights that help you process this life change. If you’re struggling more than you expected, don’t hesitate to seek out therapy. There’s no shame in getting support to help you through this adjustment.

Negotiate Next Steps: Plan for the Future

Take time to revisit and revise your plans for the future. With the kids out of the house, your financial priorities might shift. Perhaps it’s time to relocate to a place that better suits your current lifestyle.

Create a vision for this next chapter. What do you want it to look like? What goals do you have for yourself and your relationship? Setting intentions can help guide you through this transition.

Embrace the Empty Nest Adventure

Empty nest syndrome is not the end—it’s a new beginning. By negotiating this transition with intention and creativity, you can embrace this next chapter with confidence and excitement. Remember, this is your time to rediscover, reconnect, and reimagine your life. The nest may be empty, but your life can be fuller than ever.

In today’s global world, we’re more connected than ever before. Yet, despite this interconnectivity, we often find ourselves entrenched in our own beliefs, seeking out information that confirms what we already think we know. This is the essence of confirmation bias – a powerful force that shapes our perceptions and interactions. We’re seeing this kind of bias play out on stages around the world today. If you’re being ruthlessly honest with yourself, I’d wager that you’re guilty of acting out based on your own confirmation biases. I know I am.

If we’re to foster deeper connections and richer personal experiences, it’s essential to recognize and overcome this bias. Here are some actionable strategies to help you do just that.

1. Reflect on Your Beliefs

The first step in overcoming confirmation bias is acknowledging its presence. I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own beliefs and consider how they might influence your perceptions. Keeping a bias journal, where you note instances when you realize your biases have influenced your thoughts or actions, can be a powerful tool in mitigating the effects of confirmation bias.

For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us found ourselves in echo chambers, consuming information that reinforced our pre-existing beliefs about vaccine efficacy and safety. With the benefit of a little distance now, it’s worth re-examining how your biases may have shaped how you showed up and interacted during the pandemic.

1. Seek Out Diverse Perspectives

Diversity enriches our lives and broadens our horizons. Make a conscious effort to engage with people who hold different views from your own. Political polarization (as is especially evident in the United States today) is a prime example of how confirmation bias can divide us. By seeking out and understanding opposing viewpoints, we can reduce polarization and foster more constructive discourse. Note that this doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but really listening to and understanding their perspectives can challenge your own assumptions and promote growth.

1. Practice Active Listening

In conversations, aim to truly understand the other person’s point of view rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening involves paying full attention, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting back what you’ve heard. This not only helps in overcoming biases but also strengthens relationships. For example, in discussions about social justice movements like Black Lives Matter, practicing active listening can help us understand diverse perspectives and experiences, promoting empathy, connection and deeper insights.

1. Question Your Assumptions

Challenge yourself to question your assumptions regularly. When you encounter new information, ask yourself whether you are accepting it because it aligns with your beliefs or because it is backed by solid evidence. Playing devil’s advocate with your own ideas can help uncover hidden biases and lead to more balanced thinking.

1. Embrace Uncertainty

Life is complex, and rarely are issues black and white. Embrace the uncertainty and be open to the possibility that your current understanding might be incomplete or even incorrect. This openness allows you to adapt and grow as you encounter new information and experiences. For instance, the debate over climate change often suffers from confirmation bias, with individuals consuming information that supports their pre-existing views. By embracing uncertainty and seeking out diverse scientific opinions, we can form a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.

1. Create a Balanced Information Diet

In our digital age, it’s easy to fall into reverberating silos where our existing beliefs are constantly reinforced. To counter this, diversify your information sources. Follow news and media from a variety of perspectives. This balanced approach will provide a more comprehensive view of the world and help reduce the impact of confirmation bias. In the context of economic policies, such as minimum wage increases or tax reforms, acknowledging and examining a range of analyses can lead to more nuanced and effective discussions.

1. Foster Empathy

Empathy is a powerful tool in overcoming biases. Put yourself in others’ shoes and try to understand their motivations and feelings. Empathy can reduce prejudice and foster more meaningful connections. In political and social debates, such as those around social justice or healthcare, empathy can bridge divides and promote understanding.

1. Engage in Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness can help increase self-awareness and reduce automatic, biased reactions. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, and mindful reflection can create space for more thoughtful responses and help you become more aware of your biases in the moment.

1. Seek Feedback

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback from trusted friends, family and even (and especially) those who hold differing beliefs. They can provide valuable insights into how your biases might be affecting your interactions and decisions. Constructive feedback can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

1. Commit to Continuous Learning

Overcoming confirmation bias is an ongoing process. Commit to lifelong learning and stay informed about cognitive biases and critical thinking. Attend workshops, read books, and engage in discussions that challenge your thinking and promote intellectual growth.

Final Thoughts

Overcoming confirmation bias in our personal lives isn’t just about becoming more informed – it’s about cultivating deeper, more meaningful relationships and experiences. By actively working to recognize and counteract our biases, we open ourselves up to a richer, more nuanced understanding of the world and the people around us. Let’s commit to this journey of growth and connection together.

Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s close to many of our hearts but often swept under the rug: navigating past family trauma. Whether it’s from past hurts, childhood experiences, or ongoing family dynamics, trauma can sneak up on us and impact our lives in unexpected and destructive ways. Are you open to explore how we can understand, address, and ultimately heal from family trauma to become better negotiators and, more importantly, happier and healthier individuals.

What is Family Trauma Anyway?

First off, let’s define the beast. Family trauma can stem from various sources (whether abuse, neglect, addiction, mental illness, etc.). These experiences can leave deep scars, affecting our emotional well-being and behavior long after the events have passed.

Recognizing the Signs

Trauma isn’t always easy to spot. Often, we’re in denial about our past traumas. Even when that’s not the case, it can hide in emotional triggers or behavioral patterns. Do you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs or, conversely, jumping into it headfirst? Do certain situations leave you feeling disproportionately anxious or angry? These might be signs of unresolved trauma.

Preparing for Negotiation

Self-Awareness is Key

Understanding how your trauma influences your negotiation style is the first step. Are you a people-pleaser, afraid to say no? Or perhaps you’re overly aggressive, fearing loss of control? Recognize these patterns and remind yourself that they’re just that—patterns, not fixed traits.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Learn to say ‘no’ without guilt. Establish what you’re comfortable with and stick to it. Boundaries are crucial for maintaining your well-being and fostering respectful negotiations.

Seek Professional Support

Don’t hesitate to seek help from therapists or counselors. They can provide tools to navigate your trauma and develop healthier coping strategies.

Apply the No F.E.A.R. Model

My No F.E.A.R. model is ideal for combatting trauma-related approaches. If you incorporate this model as part of your regular negotiation preparation you’ll be well ahead of the curve and ready to get better outcomes, not driven by past trauma. Grab your free copy of my e-book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating.

Communication Strategies

Active Listening

One of the best ways to negotiate past trauma is by truly listening. Active listening helps you understand the other person’s perspective and shows them you value their input. It’s a powerful way to build trust and empathy.

Empathy and Compassion

Speaking of empathy, bring it into your negotiations. Understand that everyone has their own struggles and pains. Approach discussions with compassion, and you’ll find that people are often more willing to meet you halfway. It’s also a valuable way to decrease ego and reactivity – for you and the other party.

Assertive Communication

Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means expressing your needs and wants clearly and respectfully. Practice stating your points without blaming or shaming the other person.

Healing and Moving Forward

Forgiveness and Letting Go

Forgiveness can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s essential for healing. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and, if possible, forgive those who hurt you. It doesn’t mean condoning their actions but releasing the hold they have over you.

Building New Patterns

Start small. Replace old, unhealthy patterns with new, positive ones. Practice responding calmly rather than reacting impulsively. Over time, these new patterns will become second nature.

Create a Support Network

Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or even support groups. Having a network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to stay on track.

Practical Negotiation Tips

Preparation and Planning

Always come prepared. Know what you want to achieve and have a plan. Preparation reduces anxiety (and with it emotional responses and reactivity) and increases confidence, allowing you show up as the best version of yourself.

Focus on Interests, Not Positions

Instead of fixating on specific outcomes (positions), focus on the underlying reasons (interests). This approach opens the space to find more creative and mutually beneficial solutions, avoiding becoming too attached to one’s position.

Adopt a Problem-Solving Approach

Shift from a win-lose mentality to a problem-solving mindset. See negotiation as a collaborative effort to resolve issues rather than a battle to be won. You’ll be surprised at the power of combining brainpower versus pitting it against each other.

Real-Life Stories

Let’s not forget the power of personal stories. Hearing how others have navigated past their trauma can be incredibly inspiring. Make a point of reading (or watching) stories about others who have overcome trauma in their lives and learn from their journeys (i.e. what to avoid, what to embrace, etc.). These stories remind us that healing is possible and that we’re not alone in our struggles.

Final Thoughts

Negotiating past family trauma isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s a continuous journey of self-awareness, healing, and growth. But with the right tools and mindset, you can transform past pains into strengths and navigate your way to healthier, happier relationships and more effective negotiations.

Remember, you’re not just negotiating deals—you’re negotiating your path to a brighter, more empowered future.

Until next time, stay strong and stay compassionate!

With both Independence Day and Canada Day in our rear view mirrors this week, it got me thinking about nationalism and national pride. In particular, I was contemplating how the principles of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ could be invoked to create a new kind of nationalism – one that embraces empathy, collaboration and growth over old competitive models that don’t serve us.

In our increasingly interconnected world, the traditional approach to nationalism—rooted in the competitive mindset of “We’re the best”—can lead to unnecessary conflict and division. As individuals, we have the power to redefine what nationalism means, shifting our focus from competition to empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement. By asking, “How can we be better?” we can contribute to a more harmonious and inclusive society.

Understanding Traditional Nationalism

Traditional nationalism, with its fervent flag-waving and face-painting, often emphasizes superiority and competition, leading to a sense of division and exclusivity. This approach can foster xenophobia, inhibit cultural exchange, and create tensions both within and between nations. To build a more inclusive and peaceful world, I invite you to reimagine your personal approach to nationalism.

The Need for a Personal Shift

In a globalized society, clinging to outdated notions of competitive nationalism is counterproductive. Instead, what if we embraced a more empathetic and collaborative form of nationalism to help us connect with others, understand diverse perspectives, and work together to solve common challenges?

Principles for a New Personal Nationalism

In considering this issue, it struck me that the principles needed to embrace a new kind of nationalism are those I’ve been advocating from the Art of Feminine Negotiation. Here’s a few practical principles you can apply to kickstart your new brand of personal nationalism.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

• Practicing Empathy: Take the time to understand and appreciate the experiences and perspectives of people from different cultures and backgrounds.
• Emotional Intelligence: Use emotional intelligence to navigate conversations about national identity, fostering understanding and reducing conflict.

Active Listening and Communication

• Active Listening: Engage in active listening during discussions about national and cultural issues, ensuring that everyone feels heard and respected.
• Effective Communication: Communicate openly and respectfully about national pride, focusing on commonalities rather than differences.

Flexibility and Adaptability

• Being Open to Change: Be open to new ideas and perspectives and be willing to adapt your views on nationalism as you learn and grow.
• Embracing Cultural Exchange: Embrace opportunities for cultural exchange, learning from the experiences and traditions of others.

Patience and Persistence

• Long-term Commitment: Commit to the long-term process of fostering a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism.
• Persistence in Dialogue: Stay engaged in conversations about national identity, even when they are challenging, to promote understanding and unity.

Collaboration and Teamwork

• Collaborative Efforts: Participate in community initiatives that promote cultural diversity and international cooperation.
• Building Relationships: Build relationships with people from different cultural backgrounds, strengthening social cohesion.

Balance and Fairness

• Fairness in Perspective: Strive for fairness in your views and discussions about national identity, acknowledging both strengths and areas for improvement.
• Balanced Approach: Maintain a balanced approach to nationalism, celebrating your country’s achievements while recognizing its challenges and areas for growth.

Practical Steps for Individuals

Education: Educate yourself about global issues and the histories and cultures of other nations. This can broaden your perspective and foster a more inclusive sense of nationalism.

Community Involvement: Get involved in community projects that promote cultural diversity and understanding. Volunteering with organizations that support immigrants and refugees is a great way to start.

Mindful Media Consumption: Be mindful of the media you consume. Seek out sources that provide balanced and nuanced views of different countries and cultures and be wary of content that promotes divisiveness.

Travel and Cultural Exchange: Travel, if possible, to experience other cultures firsthand. Engage in cultural exchange programs and events to learn and share with people from different backgrounds.

Positive National Conversations: Encourage positive conversations about national identity in your social circles. Focus on how your country can grow and improve rather than just highlighting its superiority.

Personal Reflection and Engagement

Reflecting on our personal views of nationalism and considering how we can contribute to a more positive and collaborative national identity is crucial. Here are some questions to consider:

• How do I currently view my national identity, and how might this perspective impact others?
• What steps can I take to promote a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism in my daily life?
• How can I encourage my friends and family to adopt a similar approach?

Moving Forward

This new approach requires a surrendering of ego. Contrary to our conditioned perspectives that this would constitute weakness, a new imagined nationalism would recognize these skills as strengths.

By adopting the principles of empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement, we can redefine nationalism on a personal level. This shift allows us to connect more deeply with others, celebrate our shared humanity, and work together towards a better future. As individuals, we have the power to influence and inspire those around us, contributing to a more peaceful and inclusive world.

Let’s embrace this new form of nationalism and strive to be better, not just the best.