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Author: Katherine Sellery

Katherine Sellery, CEO and Founder of Conscious Parenting Revolution, helps individuals minimize misunderstandings and melt-downs in order to communicate with more collaboration, cooperation, and consideration.

Categories
Best Practices Growth Health and Wellness Leadership Personal Development

Feeling anxious? This Can Help.

Remember your child as a baby? When they accidentally hit their head on the side of the crib or get startled awake by a loud noise? Seconds tick by slowly as you wait for the sound of that gulp for air — usually followed by a piercing cry.

Breathing: it’s probably the most hard-wired, involuntary function we do as human beings. Every creature, great or small, breathes. Breathing gives us life, and we don’t even have to think about doing it — you inhale and exhale as reflexively as your heart beats in your chest.

But despite the fact that breath keeps us alive, we tend to take it for granted.

The Harvard Business Review and the Yale News both recently conducted studies revealing the effectiveness of SKY Breath Meditation, a breathing modality that engages the parasympathetic nervous system — the part of your brain that controls rational thinking, gives you a sense of calm and provides balance in stressful situations. Participants in both studies reported a better sense of well-being and mental health after just two days of practicing the methods.

As someone who has been trained in SKY Breath Meditation for 10 years, I can attest that breath does so much more than supply your body with oxygen. The way you breathe can have a big influence on how you feel and experience the world.

If you’ve been stressed, depressed, or overwhelmed — by current events, the holiday season, or your kid’s insistence on listening to “Baby Shark” on repeat — you’re not alone.

Here are some tips to help you literally catch a breather (share them with your child too!):

  • Deeper inhales and longer exhales. What happens when your child cries? Their breaths turn to hiccups. The same thing happens when we feel stressed or sad. When you start breathing rapidly, consciously focus on taking deep inhales and long exhales. Count to 4 for inhales, 8 for exhales (or as close as you can comfortably get). The fog in your brain will clear up in seconds.
  • Do some quick, light stretching. Pressured by deadlines at work and the mounting pile of laundry at home? Take 5 minutes for a quick stretch break. Full-body activities like a yoga sun salutation get your blood flowing with good oxygen and help relieve stress.
  • Carve out time for meditation. Ten minutes is ample time for you to feel the positive effects of your breathing/meditation practice. Don’t have 10 minutes? Take 2 minutes, if that’s what you have. Find a quiet spot to sit in and breathe deeply. Check out our work with America Meditates by Art of Living.

Learning to control your breath can help rid your body of stress and flood you with positive energy. Not only will you feel more in control of yourself, but you’re also providing an excellent model for your children about the importance of self-care.

Supportive breathing is just one technique for becoming the parent you want to be. If you’re interested in true parenting transformation check out the 90 Day Parenting Reset Program.

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

PS To start 2023, we’re offering you 70% off of ANY of our supplemental parenting tools! That includes the Ultimate Parenting Toolbox, Applying Solutions Mini Course, and our Conscious Parenting Kickstart! Just go to our Conscious Parenting Revolution site and use the code TAKE ACTION at checkout. I’m so excited to dive deeper into this journey with you!

Categories
Growth

Mom Shaming – How To Deal With People Who Criticize Your Parenting

When you’re trying to do the best job you can to parent, you’ll soon realize that everyone thinks they’re an expert on how you should look after your child. This can relate to a child of any age from a few months to a teenager or young adult. Don’t let the mom-shaming affect your confidence to know you are doing what’s best for your child.

It’s not just a case of ‘mommy knows best’ everyone from the neighbor to your best friend will be there to offer advice, invited or not, which ultimately is defined at times as a form of mom-shaming.

Here are some comments you may be familiar with:

  • Don’t you think they’re getting a bit hot with all those layers on?
  • Do you think he/she is hungry again? You only just finished a feed.
  • Don’t keep picking him/her up, they’ll get too clingy.
  • Don’t keep putting him/her down, they’ll feel you aren’t there for them.
  • If you don’t teach your child to sleep/ have respect/ discipline/ eat in a cycle, they’ll never learn.
  • I can’t believe you let him/her talk to you that way.
  • I think a good slap is what she/he needs.

I bet your head is spinning with all the criticism! How do you deal with all this ‘advice’ everyone is so kind as to give you so freely?

Guidance parenting is all about looking after your child with no reward and punishment. It’s about having an equal relationship with your child. And as a result, a lot of people cannot grasp the concept of how this works.

Sending your kids to the naughty corner or withholding privileges to enforce behavior is unfortunately still very much the norm for many parents. So first of all, well done for stepping out into the brave new world.

When you choose to do things differently, you can become defensive. And they can too. After all, the crux of your parenting style is you are raising emotionally healthy kids. Which suggests to them they aren’t. There is going to be some conflict.

The problem is, the winner of this argument is going to be a long time coming. Children take a lifetime to raise. So how can you demonstrate at that moment, your way is better? At that moment, your child may be arguing and whining, while your friend’s kid stops complaining of the count of four. You can’t fast forward and demonstrate in that instant, your child will be a much more adjusted teenager!

And there is no doubt when threatened with punishment, that child will ‘do as their told’ a lot faster than yours as you try to work through what could be causing the upset.

Added to this is when someone questions how you parent, you begin to ask yourself. The majority of us were brought up on reward and punishment. So could you actually be accidentally spoiling your kid without realizing it?

When you feel the fear, remember that there have now been decades of research proving that while kids need guidance, they take ownership of their limits when they feel safe.

The first option is you never complain about what someone says to you. And you never explain. You can tell them: “Yes, parenting can be tough, can’t it?” However, know in your heart you are making the right decision with your approach.

What you can do to calm the situation…

If there is an ongoing ‘incident’ you are trying to handle, there are several ways you can deal with it.

It may be your child has had a confrontation with another kid. The other family is expecting ‘a punishment.’ However, that is not what you do. You can help your child make it right by apologizing for them while still physically in contact.

Don’t punish your child and instead take them aside so you can find out exactly what went on. Empathize with the difficulty of the situation and see how your child feels. The repair is so much more effective in this instance than a punishment.

To alleviate a ‘situation’ happening, you can have a chat with your kids before they go to a social gathering. You can set limits but do it in a kind and funny way.

Some guidelines you can give them are:

  • Look after smaller children
  • Stay in the sights of adults and if someone calls, go to them
  • Everyone needs to have a fair turn
  • You can disagree but always show understanding and be kind

And if your child does have a meltdown, take them away. In a social situation, especially when there is candy, cake, and a ton of other stimulants, things can get fraught. For your child to feel safe, they have to be on their own. Just explain your kid needs some alone time with you.

How Can You Respond to Criticism of Your Parenting?

There will be the inevitable questions on how you explain your guidance parenting technique. Try connecting with your friend or relative and tell you both love your children. Then you can explain your approach and say it’s rooted in recent research, which means different methods can be much more beneficial.

Remember, if you asked for help, it might be that you didn’t like the answer you got. Always clarify what you need and ask for their support of your decision. And if you ask for advice, remember you need to be vulnerable in receiving it.

Other Responses:

“I never thought about it like that”

Be careful not to deliver this with too much sarcasm as it could get taken the wrong way! You can respond: “Thanks so much for that. I never realized if I just put my kid in the time-out that would completely change the way they respond to me.”

“How would you like to look after my kids?”

This is not meant to be delivered with sarcasm, instead of as a joke. However, no one knows what it’s like to look after your children unless they look after your children. Then their advice may be very different.

The Smile And Wave Approach

Yes, you can flash them a polite teeth clenched smile. Look like you are really taking their wisdom to heart. It may be hard, but it will save an argument!

“They’re Just Having a Bad Day”

This is a bit of a failsafe response when you are too tired, too busy to explain why you are doing something a certain way. As parents, we are comfortable in our own ability to deal with a situation. It’s easier to respond with this than enter into a full-blown discussion. However, I recommend you do this out of earshot of your child. You are trying to encourage them to explain to you what is triggering their external reaction internally.

“This is How I do it”

You can explain why you’re asking your child to respond to you and explain why they are screaming/ crying/ refusing to do something. That would are an advocate of guidance parenting. However, be prepared for the deliverer of the pearls of wisdom. If they are unfamiliar with the technique, to be perplexed/ confused by your reasoning. Then still yourself for them to ‘set you right!’

There will never be a right or wrong answer for how to parent – unfortunately, there’s no guidebook every child comes with. So when someone believes their approach is better, that could be true for them and their family dynamic. Take a deep breath and know you’re doing what’s best for you and yours.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

PS: For more information on guidance parenting, check out freeparentingbook.com to download my Amazon Best Seller!

Categories
Growth

Why What Happened in Your Past Affects Your Ability to Parent Now

We’ve all seen the meme, ‘I opened my mouth …and my mother came out.’ But how many times does your child open their mouth, and YOU come out? As a parent, when these meme’s become our reality, we want it to be for the right reasons.

I’m sure you recognize those little phrases and expressions that your child does, which imitate yours. You are your child’s first teacher – just as your parents were yours. Your past and your childhood affect the choices and decisions you make now as a parent. You decide what practices to repeat and what not to repeat, with your children.

Kids are observers of people, and just as they observe peers and teachers. They observe us as parents and learn good and bad habits from us. If you express gratitude regularly in front of your children, they are more likely to be grateful. However, if your kids see you as a parent being disrespectful, they will learn that discounting others is OK. It’s easy to assume everything your kids do is somehow related to what you do.

However, this way of thinking can discount your child’s individuality, as well as the negative influence of peers and our broader culture.

Did you know what influenced your childhood, can profoundly change your parenting style?

As parents, we often recreate what we experienced when we were growing up.

For example, you decide to take your toddler out to have a splash around in puddles. Why? Because this activity is something special, you remember enjoying participating in it with your mom or dad. Equally, some parents may well try to do the opposite of what their parents did.

For instance, you may never insist that your child play a sport because your parent forced you to do so against your will. So it’s something associated with negative feelings. You don’t want to pass that on to your child.

Being conscious of your own childhood experiences can help you become more aware of the meaning behind your reactions toward your child.

Consider:

What was the message you received as a child from your parents – about your intelligence, ability, importance, value?

Do you think these messages influence your parenting today?

Do you feel your parents had a positive impact on you in ways that you would like to with your child?

What was it in your parents’ approach to raising you that you don’t want to recreate with your child?

What – if any – were the significant events or experiences growing up that had an impact on you?

Examples of this would be the loss of a loved one, parental separation or divorce, significant tension between parents, financial insecurity, parental mental health issues, or parental substance abuse. How is it impacting your parenting?

How to make the change:

You can’t look to change your childhood and who you are, but you can look to improve HOW you are – as a conscious parent.

This is where you can implement a set of guidelines to steer your parenting away from repeating the mistakes of your parents.

  1. Don’t bad-mouth the other parent, and leave your children out of your arguments.
  2. Realize the world has changed since you were a kid.
  3. Don’t compare your child to other kids, especially their siblings. No child likes to hear ‘Why can’t you be more like so and so?’
  4. Be mindful of your fears, and try not to instill your fears into your children.
  5. Constant nitpicking and disapproval can stay with children.

They are programmed to seek your approval, and a cycle of not appreciating them creates a negative feedback loop.

  1. Be honest. 

Don’t lie to save their feelings, but look for an age-appropriate way to explain where you met may have gone, for instance. If you are honest with your children it can help change their behaviors. And it can also repair problems that have occurred because of your parenting mistakes. You don’t need to put on the facade of being the perfect mom or dad.

  1. Don’t threaten to leave your kids behind as a punishment.

Even if you become frustrated or angry. Don’t be tempted to try this tack. The threat of abandonment is profound for your child.

One of the essential things in a child’s development, especially in the early years, is the bond formed with their parents or caregivers.

This is something Dr. L. Alan Sroufe, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development, agrees with.

She says making the threat of abandonment, even in what could be a lighthearted way, can shake the foundation of security and well being you are giving your child.

According to Sroufe, when you say things like, “I’m just going to leave you here,” your child can think you will not be there to protect and care for them. The thought you could leave them alone in a strange place is frightening. It can begin to erode their attachment to you as the secure base from which they can encounter the world.

  1. Don’t go for one-size-fits-all parenting.

Dr. David Elkind, is a Professor Emeritus at Tufts University, and a development expert.

He says: “The same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the carrot … The same parental behavior can have different effects depending on the personality of the child.”

  1. Own your bad behavior.

Children are like sponges. They absorb everything around them. But this means they can mirror both good and bad actions.

Modeling the behavior you want from your child is one of the best things you can do. What you do has a much more significant impact than what you say to your child they should do.

Did you know the children of smokers are twice as likely to smoke as the kids of non-smoking parents? The best way to get your kids to eat their broccoli? Eat it enthusiastically yourself, and make it delicious for your kids.

Children detect falseness a mile away, so believing in what you’re doing is an integral part of leading by example.

  1. Acknowledge what your child is feeling, rather than dismiss it.

Many parents make the mistake of telling their children they are experiencing a feeling they are not. However, they are more likely to say to them they aren’t feeling what they are feeling. The result of this creates a feeling of distress and confusion.

For example, before your children go to school for the first time, they may be feeling scared. Rather than brushing it off as being silly, you can consciously acknowledge your child’s feelings.

You can say: “I know you’re scared, but I’m going to come with you. We’ll meet your new teachers and your classmates together, and I’ll stay with you until you’re not scared anymore. Sometimes excitement feels a lot like being scared. Do you think you are also excited?”

Embrace the truth and help your child work through the confusing feelings. It will be much better for their health over the long term.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

PS: Don’t forget to download my free guide to conscious parenting, 7 Strategies To Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids From Hitting The Boiling Point, at freeparentingbook.com

Categories
Body Language Entrepreneurship Growth

Big Life Changes & How to Support Your Child

Dear Katherine,

Our second baby was born only a few weeks before the pandemic began.

I know my older son loves his baby brother, but I’m fearful that in addition to dealing with the huge adjustment of having a baby in the house, he associates his brother’s arrival with the negativity of the pandemic.

My son is a strong-willed, opinionated child, and these events have understandably been stressful for him.

How can I be there for him and help him separate these two big life changes?

Sincerely,

Bad Timing

Bad Timing, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like your older son has a lot on his plate right now. I commend you for taking a step back to empathize with him during what must be a challenging time for your whole family.

When you have more than one child, you open up a new world of twice the joy. . . and twice the challenges. As supportive parents, all we want is for our children to get along, but older kids can have a difficult time adjusting to sharing attention and affection with a new sibling. This adjustment period is perfectly normal, and in your case it’s compounded by a couple of other factors.

First, your older son is a strong-willed, autonomous child. Autonomous children, by nature, are at high risk of attracting their parents’ disapproval. When your son acts out, he solicits negative attention, which can make him feel like you’re favoring his younger brother over him. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To make matters even worse, your older son’s whole world was upended by the pandemic shortly after his baby brother came home. In addition to adjusting to the normal shifts in routine brought about by having a new baby around, he also had to adjust to the stress of COVID-19.

So, how can you solve these problems together?

The first step is to recognize the unmet need that is causing this tension inside your older son. You said he loves his brother, which is wonderful, but he probably still needs reassurance that his parents love him just the same even though there’s a new baby at home.

Once you can help him understand that he didn’t lose anything when he gained a brother, he’ll have an easier time viewing the situation in a positive light and separating it from the negativity of the pandemic.

Here are some parenting tips that can help you support him during this adjustment period:

  • Schedule one-on-one time. Setting aside dedicated time for your older son is critical for his self-esteem right now. Your son probably fears that his little brother will overshadow him. Making a point to have time for just the two of you will assure him that you have enough love and affection to go around.
  • Explain the candle metaphor. It’s hard to explain the love you have for your children in terms that they can understand: that you love them both equally, even though they’re completely different people. One clever way to illustrate the unlimited space in your heart is to show your son a lit candle. Use the lit candle to light a new candle. Explain how both flames are equally bright, and that the first one didn’t lose any of its brightness when the second one lit up.
  • Be more communicative. I know that you’re busy, especially with a new baby to take care of. There are times, I’m sure, when you can’t schedule that one-on-one time that your son needs. When it’s hard to squeeze in time for the two of you, tell him how excited you are for your next one-on-one. This verbal reminder will boost his self-worth and assure him of just how much you love him

Bad Timing, you can be grateful that your strong-willed son is letting you know that he needs some reassurance right now. His willingness to express his negative emotions signals that your relationship is already strong.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

PS Don’t forget, to start 2023, we’re offering you 70% off of ANY of our supplemental parenting tools! That includes the Ultimate Parenting Toolbox, Applying Solutions Mini Course, and our Conscious Parenting Kickstart! Just go to our Conscious Parenting Revolution site and use the code TAKE ACTION at checkout. I’m so excited to dive deeper into this journey with you!

Categories
Growth Personal Development Skills

How Do You Cope with A Hyperactive Child

As every parent of a hyperactive child knows, no two days are the same. While we love our lively offspring with all our hearts, some days make your heart sing, while others can have you on your knees.

Knowing how to minimize meltdowns and misunderstandings comes with experience, but with the guidance parenting technique, you can incorporate tips into your family life that will not only sow the seeds for harmony but help you all flourish.

Many children with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and/or a hyperactive personality can be impulsive, restless, and find it hard to focus. They can also have mood swings and jump from one thing to another. This can have the knock-on effect of them finding it difficult in several situations:

  • Following instructions
  • Focusing on schoolwork
  • Completing tasks
  • Being organized
  • Social interaction

But their behavior and reaction to situations are often stemming from the internal rather than the external – they’re not just ‘acting up,’ despite what others may think. And let’s face it, 2020 is shaping up to be a head-burner for the most level-headed of us, so you need to go easy on your little people! So what can we do to help them navigate this confusing world?

Here are my Top 5 Tips When it Comes to Coping With a Hyperactive Child

Find a constructive way to channel your child’s energy

Children need to be active, especially hyperactive ones, so find a way that incorporates burning off energy with something fun. Does your child like soccer, martial arts, to read, or is obsessed with a particular topic or animal? Whether you sign them up to a craft activity, afterschool sports club, or make your own games, there are many ways to keep them busy and engaged – and often while they’re still learning. Focusing on sensory and/or play-based activities helps boost their concentration, memory skills, and skill development.

Treat Your Child as an Equal

Ever heard that horrid expression, “Children should be seen and not heard?” It’s an old adage drawn from the Victorian era, and that’s precisely where it should remain! In the olden days, when the world was still black and white, some people thought that showering affection on their children could ‘spoil’ them – the same as holding a baby “too much.” We’ve moved on since then, and research shows quite the opposite. Nurturing and trusting, dependable relationships are imperative for optimal early brain development. In the early months of a child’s emotional development, learning and attachment are woven together. Studies show that when the skin is stimulated from being held, it fires up the right side of the brain, whereby the child learns to trust. It’s crucial for this to happen so that individuals can learn. You should never try and mute a hyperactive and headstrong child.

Routine, Routine, Routine

An army-type regimen of strict rules and regulations can be too stifling for a hyperactive child. But having a regular routine, and keeping everyone on the same page and helping your child feel safe and secure. It could be as simple as waking up, going to bed, brushing teeth and having meals at the same time every day, and/or tasking them with chores. Hyperactive kids like to know what is ‘happening next,’ and it can help prevent boredom.

Be Your Child’s Advocate

When your hyperactive child is diagnosed (or suspected), everyone in your life suddenly becomes an expert on ADD. Parents, in-laws, siblings, teachers, well-meaning friends, the person in the shop down the road… even the way the dog raises his eyebrow can have you wondering if he’s silently judging you! You know your child best, and know what will and won’t work. And with the help of those closest to you and professionals and teachers, you can formulate a plan and ongoing strategy. Don’t be afraid to tell people to back off (however you want to phrase it) when their ‘help’ is unwelcome and potentially damaging.

Don’t Let Your Child Get Overtired

Fatigue makes children ‘testy’ at the best of times, and parents! When your hyperactive child is exhausted or overtired, they can lose self-control. Research shows that ten to 15 percent of children with ADD have trouble getting to sleep, which is twice the rate of those who aren’t hyperactive. Sticking to regular rest and bedtimes can help combat this. If your child is tired (maybe from physical activity or mental stimulation), let your child sleep or have quiet time if required.

Manage Aggression

Sudden defiant and aggressive outbursts can be frequent with hyperactive children. Up to 40 percent of children with ADD are estimated to be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). This can result in a pattern of disruptive, angry, and violent behavior. This can also include disruptive behaviors towards authority figures, parents, caretakers, and your child’s peers. ODD tends to be most common in boys before puberty but is equally common in both genders afterward. Working with a guidance parenting coach and cognitive therapist can help you handle your child’s behavior. Remember too that a child whose needs for autonomy and self-direction are being trampled over will appear as though they have ODD. They don’t! They are in the 3R’s (retaliation, rebellion and resistance).

Use ‘Guidance Discipline’ Instead of ‘Traditional’ Discipline

Most children, not just hyperactive ones, respond better with guided discipline, i.e. non-authoritarian discipline. While this kind of discipline can be more time consuming, your child will feel like they’re being treated respectfully and listening to them. This keeps the lines of communication open and means your child will be more cooperative than combative. The key points with guidance discipline are to have a strategy, use positive guidance, and ensure it’s carried out in a nurturing environment. You also need to be mindful of how your child is likely to respond. Remember, how you treat your child is, ultimately, how they learn to manage themselves. For tips on how to use guidance discipline, read the blog I recently wrote about it here.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

It sounds simple, but with a hyperactive child, it’s essential to pick your battles. Losing your cool and shouting at a child suffering from ADD will only cause them to get more anxious and do more harm than good. Sick of always asking them to brush their teeth, put on their socks, shoes, tidy their room, etc? If they’re struggling with following these instructions, help them if you can. Make the activity fun, or offering a distraction or multiple choice can help, i.e, “Would you rather tidy up your room now or in an hour?” It’s also important to accept your child’s limitations but encourage their potential, and not compare them to siblings or peers, especially when it comes to their achievements.

Ask for Help

While everyone has tough days if it’s getting too much and struggling and feeling overwhelmed, reach out for help. You’re probably already getting advice from doctors and specialists. If not, make an appointment with one and keep searching until you find ‘the right fit.’ Don’t be afraid to lean on family and friends too.

You can also glean tips from a parenting coach or reconnect with your child by signing up for a course such as my Guidance Approach to Parenting, which begins September 28th, 2020.

If you enjoyed this blog, check out my blog post to identify if your child is suffering from anxiety. Click here now.

Categories
Growth

Is It Time for a Parent-Teacher Conference About Your Parenting Style?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a Conscious Parent eager to raise your kids using effective communication and active listening. Perhaps you’ve even joined us for the Parenting Reset and are practicing the principles of the Guidance Approach to Parenting at home.

But what happens when your child steps outside their protected family bubble? How do you explain the Guidance Approach to Parenting to teachers, child care providers, and even grandparents?

The adult caregivers in your child’s life don’t need to subscribe to the same parenting method as you, but they do need to respect your decisions on how to raise your children.  

Talking to Caregivers and Teachers About How to Treat Your Child

These proactive discussion points can help you effectively communicate your parenting style to adults who interact frequently with your kids:

  • “I treat my kids with the respect every human being, regardless of age, deserves.” At the core of the Guidance Approach to Parenting is the conviction that children are humans too—which means they deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. This fundamental value should lead any conversation you begin.

 

  • “We encourage self-direction instead of reward vs. punishment.” Explain to your child’s teachers that instead of a punitive approach to “bad” behavior, you prefer self-directed resolutions. If your child has an altercation with a classmate, ask their teacher to help identify the root of the problem. Was there an unmet need or a misunderstanding? Once both sides of the story have been heard, the conflicting parties should collaborate on a solution that makes everyone happy.

 

  • “We use acknowledgement rather than praise.” Praising a child’s looks or intelligence teaches them to measure their self-worth based on superficial traits and what other people think of them. It also brings the poison of measuring their self worth from external factors.

Acknowledgement connects a child to their own sense of accomplishment so they can more clearly see their own skills and competencies, and sense how they feel about themselves.  After all, the cornerstone to solid self esteem isn’t seeking others’ approval or praise.

Assure grandparents that they can congratulate their grandkids for a job well done, but that they should emphasize hard work and self-discipline as opposed to empty praise for being “smart.” For example, “I admire how hard you worked on that.” “Congratulations!” “Did you know you could do that?” and “You seem proud of yourself.” 

  • “I refrain from using negative adjectives to describe my kids (e.g. calling them “spoiled” or “bad”). There’s a big difference between pointing out that a child made a mess and making them feel like they are a mess. No one likes to be called names! Ask the adults in your children’s life to use non-blameful descriptions of behavior and to avoid names or labels that can undermine your kid’s confidence or sense of self.
  • “Our children know when we talk down to them.” When my daughter Pia was in elementary school, she came home one day absolutely indignant at how a friend’s mother had spoken to her. “Mom, she never would’ve talked to you that way,” she said. She was right. Adults assume that kids won’t catch the nuances in our communication, but they can tell when they’re being talked down to. It can’t possibly feel good to be marginalized and viewed as “less than” just because you’re a child. Caregivers should always be aware of how they’re talking to children.

Sharing your perspective with people who don’t hold the same beliefs isn’t always easy. And altering someone’s point of view won’t happen overnight. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to have these tough conversations.

If you need further guidance starting a dialogue with the adults in your children’s life, our private parenting Facebook group can offer support and help you build your confidence. We stream live every Tuesday at 6 pm PST. You can put your questions and concerns in the comment thread and get them addressed right then and there.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

P.S. Looking to ease your parenting partner into the Conscious Parenting Revolution? Freeparentingbook.com is a great introduction!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership Personal Development

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating?

Is your teenager’s defiant behavior ruling your family life?

The teenage years are challenging, leaving many parents and caregivers at a loss. But in fact, there’s a perfectly legitimate explanation for their behavior. During adolescence, humans begin developing their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for making judgments, weighing pros and cons, and managing emotional responses.

This critical part of the brain continues developing until the mid-20s, making it difficult for teenagers to think critically and manage their moods. Research even shows that teens often misread cues and facial expressions…and are more likely to interpret them as being shocked or angry.

Yikes! Combined with the flood of new hormones coursing through their bodies, it’s no wonder your teen walks around constantly sighing, rolling their eyes, and slamming doors!

17

Understanding the Three Rs

According to child psychologist Dr. Louise Porter, who I co-authored the Guidance Approach to Parenting with, 75% of family disruptions result from what Dr. Thomas Gordon called the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.

When your child refuses to walk beside you at the mall, they’re resisting. When they go to a party instead of doing their homework, they’re rebelling. When they’re aggressive with their siblings because they feel misunderstood, they’re retaliating.

Teens’ defiant behavior is a reaction to power and control being imposed over them and is the classic activation of those 3Rs mentioned above. The lack of control over their emotions and bodies, combined with their legitimate need for self-direction and autonomy that is thwarted by many parents, causes them to “act out.”

As parents, we owe it to our teenagers to practice empathy and do our best to understand where they’re coming from. To combat normal but challenging behaviors, we have to give them the autonomy they crave while still ensuring their safety and well-being

18

7 Practical Tips for Managing Your Teen’s Behavior

The 3Rs can be eliminated by using the Guidance Approach to Parenting.  The reason the 3Rs surface is that controlling discipline activates them. The way to prevent them from surfacing is to never activate them in the first place. My TEDx talk, “The Rebellion is Here: We Created It and We Can Solve It,” has more detail about how the process works.

These practical tips can make a world of difference: 

1. When tempers rise, disengage. If your teen is defensive or upset, postpone heavy conversations for a later time. Give them space to calm down and think things over. You’ll benefit from this space, too.

2. Set age-appropriate guidelines. Give your teenagers the independence they crave, setting age-appropriate guidelines. What’s reasonable for a 13-year-old is probably too restrictive for a 16-year-old, so use your judgment and be open to feedback. Create solutions together, seeking clarity so everyone’s on the same page: “So are you saying you would feel better if I let you do your own thing from 2-5 pm on Saturdays, as long as you tell me where you’re going and with whom?”

3. Find common ground. Connect with your child by finding activities you both enjoy. Watch a movie together, go get ice cream, or play a favorite sport. Engaging in shared interests fosters a positive environment for meaningful connection. If your teen starts opening up about their life, listen and invite them to tell you more! Be careful not to use the 12 roadblocks to communication or will go awry!

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating

4. Respond, don’t react. When your teenager confides in you for the first time about, say, a boy they’re interested in, resist the urge to freak out! Drop the “my baby” perspective and be as objective as you can. Give advice like you would to a friend, assuring your teen that they can talk to you about anything—even the uncomfortable stuff.

5. Avoid phrases like “You never” and “You always.” Nothing sparks defensiveness more than the words “never” and “always.” Reframe your language to be non-accusatory. Instead of, “You’re always late for school!” say “I’ve received some reports about lateness from your school; is everything okay?”

6. Respect their privacy. With so much happening in their minds and bodies, teens can be extremely self-conscious about, well, everything. Respect their budding sense of self. That means no snooping in bedrooms, phones, laptops, or social media. Build trust with your teen, and they’ll feel empowered to tell you what’s going on.

7. Help them understand the changes in their body. Teens are better equipped at handling physiological changes when they’re fully aware of what’s happening. If they don’t want to talk to you about these changes, enlist the help of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.

As your teenager navigates this complex period in their lives, it’s critical for parents to provide the support they desperately need.

Still feeling daunted? Parents need support, too! Our private FB community can help you chart these churning waters. Join us inside the Facebook Group for Tuesday Tips for Parents, Tuesdays at 6:10 pm PST. Our team of coaches streams in live every week to answer all your parenting questions.

Categories
Leadership Parenting Personal Development

How Attachment Parenting Works With Teens

Moms and dads usually experience Attachment Parenting when their kids are babies.

Then, the principles of Attachment Parenting seem easier. You were confident that you weren’t going to get pushed away if you held your child. And there was no such thing as too much love. Natural birth, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping are ways to nurture your baby.

At the root of attachment parenting lies attachment theory. It stems from psychologist John Bowlby’s studies of maternal deprivation and animal behavior research in the early 1950s. Attachment parenting focuses on developing that nurturing connection between you and your children. Bowlby viewed this as the best way to raise secure and empathetic children.

It’s done through the following ways:

  1. Love and respect
  2. Sensitivity
  3. Nurturing touch
  4. Constant loving care
  5. Positive discipline
  6. Balance in personal and family life

As our children get older, and lifestyle starts to kick in – say between 7 and 12 – where does that leave our teenagers? It can leave them feeling disconnected from you.

You can still apply Attachment Parenting as your children become teenagers. And you will find plenty of benefits at this critical time in their development.

When you think about your own teenage years, you are no doubt thinking it was a time of change. Many of which you were trying to navigate at breakneck speed. Your teen is going through exactly the same experience. And they, like you, are experiencing biological, cognitive, and social changes.

As teens try to come to terms with the upheaval, this is when they can develop unhealthy practices, like eating disorders and substance abuse. Risky sexual behavior, antisocial and delinquent activity and school dropout can also occur now in your kid’s lives.

Alongside the rapid biological changes, teens enter a new social-psychological phase of life. The amount of time spent with their parents drops, while time spent with peers increases.

There is a school of thought that parents make little difference in how teenagers cope. Instead of suggesting that peer influence dominates this period.

During the middle to late childhood, a child’s cognitive and social abilities improve, their knowledge base expands, and they become involved with peers.

While that’s true, growing evidence suggests parents do make a critical difference. And this operates through the nature of your attachment bond with your child. There’s an expectation that you will grant your child more autonomy.

So, how you negotiate the transition of the nature of the adolescent-parent attachment bond is paramount.

Teenagers who are attached to their parents tend to display higher levels of identity development. They also have self-concept and emotional regulation.

What Does Attachment Parenting Your Teen Mean?

Your parent-child connection needs to be secure from birth to adulthood. In real practical terms, this means taking the time to communicate and listen to your teens every day. It means getting excited about what they are excited about. It means understanding the incredible hormonal changes happening to your children.

Ensure that you talk openly with your teen and treat them with respect, dignity, humanity, and care. Avoid communicating with sarcasm, cynicism, irritation, and disgust. Allow your teen children to unfold as they are, not as you wish them to be. Nurture them but let go of controlling them. Attachment parenting a teen means unconditional love and emotional support. This way you build a secure attachment bond that will last a lifetime.

Adolescents who feel understood by you as a parent even in the face of conflict can move forward toward early adulthood with confidence. They don’t avoid conflict, exploration, and individuation. And they don’t prematurely push to independence without the support of their parents.

They seek out their caregivers when distressed. But they also explore their environment at times of low stress. Studies show that securely attached adolescents are less likely to engage in excessive drinking, drug use, and risky sexual behavior.

Securely attached adolescents also suffer fewer mental health problems.

These include:

  1. Anxiety
  2. Depression
  3. Inattention
  4. Thought problems
  5. Conduct disorder
  6. Delinquency and aggression

In girls, attachment security is related to lower rates of teenage pregnancy. They also worry less about their weight and aren’t as likely to get an eating disorder.

Securely attached teens manage the transition to high school more successfully. They also enjoy more positive relationships and experience less conflict with family and peers than insecurely attached adolescents.

This cannot always be achieved. There are many environmental factors in childhood that can cause an impact.

Insecure attachment in adolescence is linked to dysfunctional behavior.

These include maternal harsh punishment and harsh conflict in the home.

For example, domestic violence may affect your parenting and increases the risk of child neglect.

How To Deal With Relationship Breakdown And Attachment Parenting

How can you nurture a secure bond when marital conflict or divorce may affect parenting ability?

This can reduce your child’s motivation to explore new relationships. They won’t separate from their parents, or interact with peers.

It may not surprise you that parental unavailability and harsh rejection can cause avoidance in your kids.

If a child views themselves as unlovable and unable to attract care from their parents, why would they believe anyone else is interested in them?

‘Anxious-avoidant’ children are reluctant to approach their parents even when distressed because they fear their overtures for comfort will be rejected or punished.

Inconsistency in your parental relationship with your teen is associated with anxious-ambivalent attachment. These children view themselves as unable to sustain the interest and care of others. However, they view others as able to provide support if their attention can be secured and sustained.

Teens who are disconnected from their parents are often stuck in a dynamic with their parents of push and pull, love and hate, compliance and rebellion, clinginess and aggression, being controlled, and being pushed away.

However, for some reason, our society seems to feel very uncomfortable about parent-teen closeness, especially mom and son closeness. These are deep cultural wounds in the collective unconscious that continue to be part of our culture.

What Is The Difference Between Attachment Parenting And Helicopter Parenting?

Is attachment parenting akin to helicopter parenting? No, but no doubt that’s where the fear lies. The children of Helicopter Parents – families that interact in this manner – are dependent upon their parents in an unhealthy manner, begging to get basic needs that have never been met. They are disconnected and unattached. 

Conclusion

Raising secure teens gives them the opportunity to be more competent. They have more advanced emotional skills, including empathy, emotional expressiveness, and emotional awareness than their unattached peers.

Secure teens have been found to have more positive coping skills than peers demonstrating insecure attachment styles.

It’s not a tightrope to walk, but indeed a safety harness.

If you liked this blog post, then check out 5 Ways To Ease Working Mom Guilt.

PS Check out my #1 Amazon Best Selling Parenting Guide! As a member of my community, you get it FREE! Just go to freeparentingbook.com for a free instant download.

 

Categories
Leadership

Should parents always present a united front?

Did you ever catch that children’s program, Bananas in Pajamas? The main characters are two bananas, B1 and B2, who are identical in every way. They walk the same, talk the same, and very often think the same! B1 and B2 are always aligned, and they live in the kind of harmonious home that could ONLY exist on a kid’s TV show.

The Banana family is unknowingly helping to perpetuate the myth of the united front. I’ve worked with thousands of parents in the last 20 years, and most of them believe that parents should be in total agreement when it comes to making decisions about their kids. Like identical twin bananas, they strive to feel, think, and react the same way to their children.

Child: Can I go to a friend’s house this weekend?
Parents: (In unison) Yes!

Child: Can I eat this block of chocolate for dinner?
Parents: (United) No!

Child: Can you teach me to square dance?
Parents: (At the same time) Maybe later.

 

You get my point.

The problem is that the united front isn’t real! You and your parenting partner are two distinct human beings. You each have your own history, upbringing, and unique set of experiences. You’re probably unconsciously passing down behaviors and beliefs you learned as a child, long before you met your partner or became a parent. Your opinions may be influenced by deeply held beliefs about age, gender, propriety, and other factors. You might feel the way you do because of what you ate for breakfast.

In short, it’s I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E to agree with your partner on every single issue or question around raising your kids. Trying to present a united front is not only exhausting, it’s inauthentic.

At the same time, you don’t want to get into a pattern where your child runs from one parent to the other, only respecting the answer they want to hear. What’s a conscious parent to do?

  1. Be honest. If you disagree with your partner on certain issues when it comes to your kids, be transparent with them about your feelings. Ignoring your differences will cause more trouble later on. Discuss your own childhoods and how your experiences have shaped you to react differently.
  2. Show your support. You can have a different opinion than your partner without undermining them. For example, “I’d love to play music right now, but Daddy needs to work” is a better explanation for your child than “Your Dad says we can’t play music right now. He’s no fun.”
  3. Forget good cop, bad cop. No one’s “good” or “bad” for feeling one way or another. Learn to honor your individuality in front of your children while respecting your partner’s feelings (and your child’s). It will teach them to do the same.

I hope you’re ready to lay the myth of the united front to rest!

If you’d like to join a community of parents who don’t always agree but still support one another, check out the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Dear Katherine: My Kid Thinks I Don’t Take Her Feelings Seriously

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

My 10-year-old daughter and I had a bit of an altercation. She and her sister were having an argument over a dress the younger one wanted to borrow. They took the fight into my work-from-home space.

To be honest, I was buried with deadlines and was about to hop on a call, so I immediately told my older daughter to let the younger one borrow the dress. She burst into tears and yelled that I didn’t take her feelings seriously.

Needless to say, I’m gutted. I don’t ever want my kids to feel dismissed. What do I do, Dear Katherine?

— Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent

Dear Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent,

I can certainly empathize with your predicament. As a working mom myself, I know what it’s like to feel too stressed and overwhelmed to give my kids undivided attention. You didn’t mean to come off as dismissive, and your gutted reaction shows that you are indeed a serious parent who wants to do right by your children.

It’s important to remember that parents, just like anyone else, are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Still, it’s our duty to provide a safe and loving environment where our kids can be seen, heard, and supported.

5 Tips to Help Your Child Feel Seen, Heard, and Supported
You know that you take your daughter’s feelings seriously despite being very busy. Here’s what you can do to show her just how much she matters to you:

1. Apologize.

Apologies are powerful catalysts for healing. Even though you didn’t mean to make your daughter feel ignored or neglected, let her know how sorry you are for hurting her feelings.

Then, ask her what exactly made her feel like you didn’t care. Did it seem like you were taking her sister’s side? Explain that you love them both equally and take both their feelings very seriously.

 

When everyone is feeling better, bring your two girls together and encourage them to resolve the dress issue. Can the younger one learn to respect the older one’s decision not to share that specific dress? Is there an alternative piece of clothing she can borrow?

Sharing is an important skill to learn, but let your children know it’s perfectly okay if there are some things they want to keep for themselves.

2. Stop what you’re doing and listen.

The next time your daughter demands your attention, step back and observe your reaction. Are you tapping your foot or looking at your phone? Did you even look up from your computer screen and make eye contact?

Give your kids at least a minute or two of your undivided attention when they need something. And if you’re just too busy at that particular moment, schedule a “Mommy and Me” time later in the day.

3. Acknowledge what she’s saying.

Problem-solving is certainly one of our most valuable skills as parents or caregivers, but don’t be so quick to find a solution that you dismiss what your child is trying to say.

Rather than placating children with toxic positivity (“Don’t be sad, cheer up!”), validate how they feel: “I can see that you’re feeling sad. Do you want to tell me why? Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

Raising self-assured children begins with teaching them that it’s important to acknowledge whatever emotion they’re feeling—so they can let it go when they’re ready.

4. Set reasonable boundaries.

As important as it is for children to acknowledge their feelings, it’s equally essential for them to learn that they have power over their emotions. Now is when they can learn that they don’t need to be overwhelmed by their emotions and can be with them rather than overwhelmed by them.

Your daughter may be angry at her sibling, but that doesn’t mean she can take it out on her—or anyone else for that matter. It’s never too early to teach children that negative feelings don’t have to translate to bad behavior.

5. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s hard to understand why a child could get so upset over being asked to shower, make their bed, or in your case, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent, lend her sister a dress.

But try to remember that kids have very little control over their everyday lives. The next time one of your daughters is upset, practice empathy to understand where she’s really coming from.

I hope this advice is helpful, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent. You’re juggling so much each and every day between work and parenting and everything else. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine
P.S. Want to connect with other parents and caregivers who share your successes and frustrations? Join the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook Group!