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Author: Katherine Sellery

Katherine Sellery, CEO and Founder of Conscious Parenting Revolution, helps individuals minimize misunderstandings and melt-downs in order to communicate with more collaboration, cooperation, and consideration.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: What If I’m Not Perfect?

Dear Katherine,

My husband and I are working on our parenting and have realized that many of the changes that need to occur in our family start with us. 

We have much to learn about our own needs and behaviors, but as we put in the work, how realistic is it for us to expect our children to manage their own emotions and needs?

Is it possible to raise children to stop the behaviors we don’t like, even if we sometimes exhibit them ourselves? 

Sincerely,

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Hi there, Do As I Say, Not As I Do, Great question! On some level, I believe every parent hopes that their children will be better versions of themselves.

Unfortunately, the reality is that children—especially young ones—can’t be what they don’t see. They have no frame of reference for it.

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You’re right to recognize that much of the work of conscious parenting is more about parents than children. You need to do the work of untangling your ingrained beliefs around approaching conflict, dealing with emotions, and understanding trauma, so you can help your children do the same.

This work can—and should—take place concurrently. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to have a wonderful relationship with your kids!

When you acknowledge that you’re exhibiting the same behaviors you’re guiding your kids away from, be honest with them about it and have a moment of reflection together. Try saying something like. . .

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“I’m so sorry that you have to see me behaving like this. Sometimes despite my best efforts, I mess up. You’re allowed to mess up, too. But let’s talk about why it happened so we can both move on.”

Kids need you to be the best version of yourself to become the best version of themselves—and that process involves communication and accountability.

It’s a lot of pressure, but the good news is that you can get there as a family. Take the time you need to work on yourself. If it means carving out time just for you, that’s alright. Becoming a part of the Conscious Parenting Revolution is a phenomenal start.

I believe in your capacity to lead by example for your kids. Confident parenting is within your reach!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is It Time for a Parent-Teacher Conference About Your Parenting Style?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a Conscious Parent eager to raise your kids using effective communication and active listening. Perhaps you’ve even joined us for the 90-Day Parenting Reset and are practicing the principles of the Guidance Approach to Parenting at home.

But what happens when your child steps outside their protected family bubble? How do you explain the Guidance Approach to Parenting to teachers, child care providers, and even grandparents?

The adult caregivers in your child’s life don’t need to subscribe to the same parenting method as you, but they do need to respect your decisions on how to raise your children.

Talking to Caregivers and Teachers About How to Treat Your Child

These proactive discussion points can help you effectively communicate your parenting style to adults who interact frequently with your kids:

  • “I treat my kids with the respect every human being, regardless of age, deserves.” At the core of the Guidance Approach to Parenting is the conviction that children are humans too—which means they deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. This fundamental value should lead any conversation you begin.
  • “We encourage self-direction instead of reward vs. punishment.” Explain to your child’s teachers that instead of a punitive approach to “bad” behavior, you prefer self-directed resolutions. If your child has an altercation with a classmate, ask their teacher to help identify the root of the problem. Was there an unmet need or a misunderstanding? Once both sides of the story have been heard, the conflicting parties should collaborate on a solution that makes everyone happy.
  • “We use acknowledgement rather than praise.” Praising a child’s looks or intelligence teaches them to measure their self-worth based on superficial traits and what other people think of them. It also brings the poison of measuring their self-worth from external factors.
    Acknowledgment connects a child to their own sense of accomplishment so they can more clearly see their own skills and competencies, and sense into how they feel about themselves.  After all, the cornerstone to solid self-esteem isn’t seeking others’ approval or praise.
    Assure grandparents that they can congratulate their grandkids for a job well done, but that they should emphasize hard work and self-discipline as opposed to empty praise for being “smart.” For example, “I admire how hard you worked on that.” “Congratulations!” “Did you know you could do that?” and “You seem proud of yourself.”
  • “I refrain from using negative adjectives to describe my kids (e.g. calling them “spoiled” or “bad”). There’s a big difference between pointing out that a child made a mess and making them feel like they are a mess. No one likes to be called names! Ask the adults in your children’s life to use non-blameful descriptions of behavior and to avoid names or labels that can undermine your kid’s confidence or sense of self.
  • “Our children know when we talk down to them.” When my daughter Pia was in elementary school, she came home one day absolutely indignant at how a friend’s mother had spoken to her. “Mom, she never would’ve talked to you that way,” she said. She was right. Adults assume that kids won’t catch the nuances in our communication, but they can tell when they’re being talked down to. It can’t possibly feel good to be marginalized and viewed as “less than” just because you’re a child. Caregivers should always be aware of how they’re talking to children.

Sharing your perspective with people who don’t hold the same beliefs isn’t always easy. And altering someone’s point of view won’t happen overnight. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to have these tough conversations.

If you need further guidance starting a dialogue with the adults in your children’s life, our private parenting Facebook group can offer support and help you build your confidence. We stream live every Tuesday at 6 pm PST. You can put your questions and concerns in the comment thread and get them addressed right then and there.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: Are the 3 Rs Inevitable?

Dear Katherine,

You talk about eliminating the 3 Rs (resistance, rebellion, retaliation) through conscious parenting. But don’t you think the 3 Rs are inevitable? 

Why is overcoming them so crucial, and is it even possible to put an end to them completely? 

Sincerely,

It Feels Impossible

Hey there, It Feels Impossible! I love this question.

I believe that when we deem kids’ behavior inevitable, we’re not giving them enough credit.

The reality is, we’re all in control of—and responsible for—our emotions, reactions, and behaviors. It’s a concept known as the internal locus of control.

When children exhibit the 3 Rs, they choose those responses. The keyword there is “responses.”

The 3 Rs are responses to feelings they’re experiencing. Negative feelings and unpleasant emotions are inevitable, even for what some would identify as “well-behaved” children. The variable is how your child chooses to react to those feelings.

A key aspect of the parent-child relationship is helping our kids navigate the way they respond to stimuli, and we can set them up for success by being intentional in our parenting.

Using controlling forms of discipline, like yelling, spanking, or dominating our children, activates the urge to retaliate, rebel, and resist. The 3 Rs are a way for kids to try and reclaim power, so, naturally, they exhibit those behaviors when you take their power away.

In my TEDx talk at Case Western Reserve University, I detail the connection I see between school shooters and the 3 Rs. When a young man in Portland, Oregon, came to school armed, a coach who worked at the school was able to disarm him by wrapping him in a hug and repeatedly telling him, “I’m here for you.”

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If that coach had tried to use strict discipline, which focuses on punishments and rewards, the outcome could have been deadly.

A guidance approach to discipline offers an effective alternative to the authoritarian method that breeds more undesirable behavior.

Conscious parenting is about teaching emotional self-regulation, healthy non-violent self-expression, and problem-solving skills so children and adolescents can attain mastery over themselves and their behavior.

In short, it’s possible to avoid the 3 Rs. You and your children can move past them and into a much better, more peaceful life together. I fully believe in you!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: My Daughter Is Spoiled

Katherine,

It pains me to write this, but our daughter is spoiled. She completely melts down when we say no—screaming, crying, and even getting physical. 

We need to start saying no to her. But these tantrums feel impossible to overcome. 

What should we do? 

Sincerely,

Nervous It’s Too Late

Hey there, Nervous It’s Too Late!

This situation is challenging, but I promise you it’s fixable.
First of all, humans are programmed to respond to crying babies and children, so try not to beat yourself up too much for doing whatever you can to calm your daughter down when she starts to escalate.

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That said, a healthy parenting relationship means holding firm when you say “no,” and your daughter needs to accept that reality. There may be some unpleasant days or weeks in your future, but if you stay strong, your efforts will pay off.

Here’s what I recommend: Check in with yourself about each thing you’re responding to. Is your answer really a hard no? Saying no with ambivalence is probably one of the reasons it’s easier to go back and change your mind when your daughter reacts so emotionally.

If you feel strongly about your no response, even once she reacts negatively to it, you need to hold firm. Remember that maintaining your position doesn’t mean you aren’t a supportive parent.

Try and defuse your daughter’s emotional response by keeping a level head. Assure her that you understand your “no” is difficult for her to hear, and you get that it’s disappointing. Then, explain why you’re saying no. Because it’s not healthy for her to stay up too late, eat too much sugar, watch too much TV, etc.

Let your daughter know that raising children right is about looking out for them, and sometimes that means saying no to the things they want.

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Will this conversation go over well? At first, probably not. But you’ll both survive, and you’ll build a better, shared understanding of one another in the long run.

Still, it’s important to listen to kids when they’re melting down. What need isn’t being met? It’s okay to change your no to a yes for a valid reason. If your daughter feels bad about herself, and having a little ice cream and extra TV with you would help her feel special, you won’t undo your hard work by budging every now and then.

And if ice cream and TV aren’t the solutions you’re willing to provide, there’s probably a compromise to be found through parent-child communication that can meet everyone’s needs.

Finally, and I can’t stress this point enough: there’s no such thing as a “spoiled” kid.

There are unproductive behavioral patterns that cause distressing behaviors. Both you and your daughter have a role to play in breaking those patterns and forging new ones. I highly encourage you to check out my TEDx talk on this topic. Shifting your mindset about your daughter is vital to building a stronger relationship with her (and ending these tantrums)!

I wish you all the best on this journey! I believe in both you and your daughter!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Want to see and hear more from Katherine? Subscribe to our Conscious Parenting Revolution YouTube channel!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: I’m in a constant power struggle with my strong-willed child!

6 tips for transforming power struggles into parent-child collaborations.

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Ask Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

I am a mother to a lovely, zany, strong-willed 8-year-old girl. I love her to smithereens, but sometimes it feels like we’re in a constant power struggle. Last weekend she wanted to wear a bathing suit to church. Today, she refused to wear a coat—in the middle of winter! I value her firm sense of self and the vitality of her character, but I don’t want to be caught in a cycle of push and pull. What do I do?

Love,

The Struggle is Real

Dear The Struggle is Real,

First, I want to congratulate you on raising such an amazing little girl! A strong-willed child isn’t a “bad” child, but a unique person with special gifts and talents. Their innate sense of self-direction and motivation positions them to become amazing leaders. They’re often vibrant and passionate free-thinkers who aren’t easily deterred by outside pressures.

I, too, have a strong-willed child. My daughter Pia had (and shared!) opinions very early on and I had to learn how to effectively communicate with her and meet her needs.

The Struggle is Real, you wrote that you value your daughter’s vitality and sense of self. That’s wonderful! As parents, it’s our responsibility to encourage a strong will, not break it. You can empower your child’s identity and still keep the peace.

Here are 6 tips for transforming power struggles into parent-child collaborations:

  1. Encourage independent learning. Known for being spirited and brave, strong-willed children learn by experience. She wants to ride a bike without your help? Let her. She decided to cut her teddy bear open and sew it back together? Tell her to go for it. (She may cry later, but you’ll be there to comfort her.) As long as she’s not in any real danger, give her the space to test her limits. She’ll be all the wiser for it.
  2. Teach self-direction. If there’s one thing strong-willed children crave, it’s being in charge of themselves. Take this opportunity to teach healthy autonomy. Ask her to create her own daily schedule, plotting out blocks of time for activities like school, play, and sleep. Strong-willed kids are quite collaborative when given the freedom to express themselves.
  3. Give choices, not ultimatums. If your daughter is anything like mine, she probably hates submitting to a parent’s will just because they said so. Explain to her why she can’t wear her swimsuit to church (swimsuits are for swimming), then give her the choice to pick out another outfit. You can even compromise by allowing her to wear the swimsuit underneath a dress.
  4. Set routines. Most strong-willed kids need to be able to predict what happens next. Setting regular routines helps them know what to expect. Collaborate with everyone though so that each person’s feelings and needs are considered when creating the routines and you will save yourself a lot of agony. If others are included in the conversation, then you have avoided all the power struggles because they were a part of the decision making process. No more trying to sneak in another hour of screentime!
  5. Practice positive communication. Instead of yelling back when your child is throwing a tantrum (I know it’s tempting), take a deep breath and give them time to wind down before you engage. When everyone’s calmer, ask your child if she can reframe what she needs to say in a more considerate way.
  6. Listen. When a child violently opposes a simple request (e.g. to take a bath), there’s usually a deeper reason why. Sit down and ask her what’s really bothering her. The art is to do that without asking too many questions but really listening. Listening allows you to sense into what the problem is “behind the problem.”  “Seems like something is bothering you” will get you further than a more direct “What is wrong with you?” Finding the real cause of conflict will help you address it at its core.

The Struggle is Real, when your strong-willed child is “acting up,” that’s when she needs you the most. Let her know that power struggles are unnecessary because you’ve got her back and have her best interests at heart. When it’s clear to her that you value her identity just as much as she does, your strong-willed girl will become your best ally.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Culture Growth Personal Development

It Takes a Village…

The role of community in helping you become a better parent.

What does it take to change an existing cultural or societal norm? When we look at big picture examples in history, we see that change occurs when people show interest in a novel concept, commit to a fresh system of beliefs, and—in many cases—form a movement for their new ideology to thrive.

As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” He also encouraged his followers to come together and create that change.

What if I told you that effecting positive change at home is no different? That to become a more conscious parent, you need a community of like-minded people to help you learn and grow? It truly does take a village to raise a child.

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child: The Power of Parents Coming Together

If you’re part of the Conscious Parenting Revolution, chances are you’re looking to forgo the traditional parenting mindset (children should be seen and not heard, parents should never apologize to their children) for one that fosters genuine connection with your child.

Raising children is no easy task. Changing your approach to parenting is even harder. Parents and caregivers can benefit from a support system that acts as a sounding board and holds them accountable on their journey to conscious parenting.

Community is one of the core tenets of the Conscious Parenting Revolution. Whether chatting in our private FB Group or joining group calls during the 90 Day Parenting Reset, you’ll enjoy the following from our incredible parenting community:

  • A safe space to listen, learn, and share. Connect with parents and caregivers from around the world. Share anything without fear of judgment. Providing support is our primary objective, so talk as much or as little as you’re comfortable. Some participants prefer to listen, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
  • Reminders that you’re not alone. Being a parent can be isolating—especially during the last year. Whatever you’re experiencing, I promise you other caregivers can relate. Having them on the other end of a Zoom call serves as a great reminder that you’re never alone.
  • Objective problem-solving. When people react emotionally to something, they’re not always thinking clearly, and it’s hard to grow in that state of mind. Relying on a network outside of your close family and friends allows you to view your experiences from an objective lens and find better solutions to your problems.
  • Feedback, coaching, and framework. The coaches who lead our parenting groups have all the necessary tools and resources to help you become a better parent. With 20+ years of combined training and education, they’re always ready with helpful feedback or advice.

It’s not easy to change parenting patterns that have been reinforced across generations, but with the help of a parenting community, you’ll be well on your way to becoming the parent you want to be.

It takes a village to raise kids who are confident, self-assured, and strong in body and mind. Join the revolution today!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness Women In Business

Dear Katherine: My Son Shuts Down After School

Dear Katherine,

When I pick my son up from school, he seems to shut down completely. I ask him about his day, and he gives me one-word answers or responds, “I don’t know,” to my questions. 

He’s definitely prone to anxiety, but I’m worried about how down he seems when he gets home. 

How can I get him to open up? 

Sincerely,

Feeling Bummed

Feeling Bummed,

I’m sorry to hear that your son seems so down when he gets home from school. I think I can help.

Generally speaking, there are three options for confronting undesirable behavior in children:

Option #1: Change your child’s behavior. Most parents start here. Attempting to change a kid’s behavior may seem like the most direct response, but it isn’t easy, and the changes won’t happen overnight.

Option #2: Change your own behavior. Adjusting your own behavior is easier because you have full control of your actions. Who among us doesn’t have things they could change to elicit different reactions from people?

Option #3: Change the environment. Believe it or not, this third option is the simplest and most effective course of action. Ask yourself how you might adjust the environment to impact your child’s behavior.

I recommend starting with Option #3. Here’s my parenting tip for you, Feeling Bummed:

Bring a nutritious snack along when you pick up your child from school and try to make sure he eats it as soon as you get in the car. This small action could yield significant results. Let’s unpack why.

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Children burn glucose much faster than adults. The brain needs glucose to process information and carry out tasks. You mentioned that your son has anxiety, so it stands to reason that he’s probably burning more glucose than a non-anxious child because of all the mental work he puts in to make it through the day.

Most kids are hungry by the end of the school day, which can deplete their mental bandwidth. Providing carrots, apple slices, or cheese and crackers at pickup can make a world of difference in your parent-child communication.

Once you give him his snack, hold off on asking any questions for a solid 10 minutes to let his brain absorb those nutrients. In the meantime, prime him for a positive interaction by telling him that you missed him during the day, you’re happy to be spending time with him now, and you love him.

If bringing him a snack doesn’t work, try out other environmental adjustments until you crack the code. Maybe your son doesn’t like to talk when he’s in the car. Perhaps he needs a good 30 minutes to decompress before he’s ready to engage with you.

Keep in mind that children are outer-directed all day long and have no opportunities to exercise their autonomy needs at school. Getting in that car or finally landing at home is their first chance to choose space, quiet, and self-direction.

The sooner you start experimenting, the faster you can expect your parenting win. I’m rooting for you!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Have you heard my latest podcast with Women Road Warriors? I loved speaking about How to Communicate with Your Kids & Teens Without Losing Your Mind with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Tuccaro! Listen here!

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Skills

Dear Katherine: My Kids Love Video Games—Should I Be Concerned?

Dear Katherine,

My kids love playing video games. They seem to take genuine pleasure in this activity, and while they’re occupied, I have a chance to do household chores and enjoy a little time to myself. 

I know there are better hobbies out there—but if they like gaming and it gives me a bit of space, is that so wrong? Am I making a parenting mistake by letting them play? 

Sincerely,

Guilty As Charged

Hey there, Guilty As Charged,

First of all, you have nothing to feel guilty about here! Check your shame at the door. We’re all human.

Gaming—and screen-time in general—is a sore spot in many parent-child relationships. It’s hard to imagine eliminating these activities because, as you said, your kids enjoy playing video games, and you enjoy having some space. Not to mention that screen-time has become an undeniable part of children’s social lives.

But of course, “too much” of anything can be a problem.

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So what constitutes “too much” in terms of gaming? The answer: It depends. 

Rest assured that you probably don’t have to put an end to your kids’ gaming. This kind of hobby can have a place in a healthy, well-rounded child’s life. The issue is when it becomes an addiction.

I did a webinar with Cam Adair (founder of Game Quitters, the world’s largest support platform), who once struggled with video game addiction. He dropped out of school, lied to his parents about having a job, and eventually experienced suicidal ideation. At the height of his problem, he was gaming 16 hours a day.
We talked about how one of the risk factors for full-fledged gaming addiction is using video games as a coping mechanism or a means of escape. The amount of time someone spends gaming matters much less than why they’re gaming in the first place.

Here’s a good litmus test: If your child is gaming and you ask them to stop—for dinner, homework, or something else—are they capable of easily walking away? If so, there may not be cause for concern.

If they have trouble walking away, there may not be cause for concern either.  If they are in the middle of getting to that next level at the very moment you call for them, they may just need a few more minutes!

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It’s also important to take a holistic view of your kids’ lives outside of gaming.

Are they doing well in school? 

Do they have nice friends? 

Are they generally kind and happy? 

Do they get proper exercise and nutrition?

The answers to those questions will help you determine if playing video games is a solution for another problem—or just another activity that brings your children joy.

If you are concerned, Game Quitters—Cam’s game addiction support community—is an excellent resource. But first, start a conversation with your kids about their gaming habits. Good old-fashioned quality time and better parent-child communication may be enough to keep them from entering unhealthy territory.

Tell your child that you want to spend time together as a family, and be sure to plan activities that excite them. Steer clear of using power and control because that is guaranteed to activate the 3Rs (retaliation, rebellion and resistance) and generate a resentment flow.

I hope this response gave you some peace of mind, Guilty As Charged. Your kids’ love for video games is likely healthy and normal.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Do you have a gut feeling that your kid’s gaming obsession is an escape from other unmet needs? Watch our free webinar and take a deeper dive to understand how to get rid of retaliation, rebellion and resistance here.

Categories
Body Language Culture Health and Wellness

Is Your Tank Running On Empty?

Taking care of your kids starts with taking care of yourself.

Are you overextending yourself to meet your family’s needs? Do you feel trapped in an exhausting juggling act with no end in sight? It’s time to take a step back and practice some self-care.

Parents, we live in extremely stressful times. But prioritizing everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own isn’t the answer. When we fall into this trap, our own health and wellness suffers, preventing us from becoming the parents we want to be.

I know you’re committed to being 100% present for your children—and that means first allowing yourself the bandwidth to fulfill your own needs.

We’re all familiar with the oxygen mask analogy: you have to put your own mask on first. It sounds easy in theory, but in practice, it’s not always easy to prioritize yourself. Know that when you practice self-care, you ARE becoming a better parent for your children.

And taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be overly lavish or take tons of time. It can be doing something simple:

  • Going for a quick walk
  • Calling a friend
  • Spending quality time with your partner (without the kids!)

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s that taking care of others starts with taking care of yourself. Fill your own tank and your whole family will reap the benefits.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Are You Stressed? Your Kids are Probably Feeling It, Too

Lauren Fulkerson is a US-trained pediatrician and mother of four. As an expat living in Hong Kong, Lauren met Katherine at a school event and immediately knew that the Guidance Approach to Parenting was how she wanted to parent her children. She joined Katherine as a parenting coach at the Conscious Parenting Revolution in 2020. Lauren has a passion for child and family well-being, and she’s an avid runner and CrossFitter.

Lauren Cpr

Take a moment to imagine yourself in these two scenarios:

Scenario 1: You’re having a wonderful day. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, you’ve had a full night’s sleep, and you’re killing it at work. You notice that the kids left their shoes lying around the house again. No big deal. You hum a song while putting the shoes away.

Scenario 2: It’s 10 a.m. and you’re ready to call it a day. The weather is cold and gloomy, you’ve had zero sleep, and your coworkers are hounding you for a report you haven’t even started yet. You notice that the kids left their shoes lying around the house again. You lose it. You drag the nearest kid to the scene of the crime and yell up a storm.

The big difference between those two scenarios? S-T-R-E-S-S. 

These scenarios or similar ones are likely very familiar to you. Your different reactions are not due to your child’s identical behavior but rather to your own stress and limited bandwidth in handling that situation.

 

How Stress Impacts Parenting

Stress is a natural part of life: a reaction to outside triggers that’s difficult to control—let alone eliminate entirely. And these are especially stressful times we’re living in. A whopping 80% of Americans reported emotions related to prolonged stress in a January 2021 survey.

When we’re stressed, our bodies respond with increased reactivity, anxiety, impaired brain function, and decreased ability to manage our tempers—all factors that impact the interactions we have with our children. When we’re stressed, we lose our capacity to manage our kids and navigate the complexities of parenthood.

Besides potentially damaging our relationships with our children, further problems arise when our children begin to mirror these feelings and behaviors. It’s not hard to see the link between a child acting out on the soccer field and a parent yelling on the sidelines. When we react to stress with negativity like anger, frustration, yelling, and even violence, we risk transferring that stress to our kids.

 

Repairing the Effects of Stress on Your Children

The good news is that there are proven strategies for managing the effects of stress so your kids won’t bear the brunt of it:

  1. Forgive yourself. Occasional stress-related outbursts are inevitable. We’re all human. It’s crucial to acknowledge when you have a stressful and challenging day that has limited your capacity and bandwidth to manage the situation the best you could and to forgive yourself. And, of course, it’s also important to put work into learning the skills and tools to reframe your stress into something more manageable. If you need a support system, join the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group.
  2. Apologize for outbursts. A genuine apology goes a long way. If you completely lost your temper, tell your child that you are sorry and acknowledge the overreaction. Admit that you were triggered and overreacted and that you will try to do better next time. It’s important to ask for consideration from your child as well, so they can learn how to also be aware of your needs. For example, “Would you be willing to put your shoes away next time because I’m worried I will trip and fall” or “I could really use your help in cleaning up and making sure the house is tidy. Would you be willing to help me with that?” Kids understand more than we give them credit for and generally do want to be considerate of others.
  3. Acknowledge that it’s not about them. Do your kids know why you’re feeling so upset? Understanding breeds empathy, so share what’s happening in your life. Help your kids grasp that they aren’t solely responsible for your frayed nerves.
  4. Talk to them about stress. Transform an imperfect situation into a teaching moment for your kids. Start a conversation about the effects of stress, encouraging them to identify stressful situations in their own life. Discuss how everyone in the family can effectively handle tense moments.
  5. Ask for help and be a supportive partner. Recognize when you are stressed, will likely overreact and be triggered, and ask for support and help. On days when you’re feeling good and your co-parent is struggling, step in and take over. Offer to take on the mental load so they have time and space to recover. Supporting each other models healthy relationships for your children.

Strategies for Long-Term Stress Reduction

Repairing the effects of stress is an important first step, but the real work comes in reducing stress before it becomes a problem:

  • Recognize when you’re at low capacity. Don’t be afraid to call a time out for yourself.  Take a deep breath, go for a walk, and acknowledge that you’re having a tough day. Let go of stressful obligations like folding the laundry or battling the kids over screen time. You deserve space to recharge.
  • Reconnect with your family. Take the time to voice your needs to your children. How will they know what you need if you don’t tell them? Ask for their help brainstorming ways to support each other.
  • Find resources on parenting during stressful times. Parenting is a constant learning experience. It’s okay to admit that you need help becoming the parent you want to be. Check out our private FB group for access to a ton of parenting resources (and great advice).

We can only be the best for our family when we’re taking care of ourselves—and modeling self-compassion sets a great example for our children.

Ready to learn more about the Guidance Approach to Parenting? Apply to join the 90 Day Parenting Reset.