If you’re looking to up-level your negotiation abilities, what’s the one thing you’re most likely to focus on? If you’re like most people, you’d go looking for tips on negotiation tactics. While it’s helpful to understand tactics, the most important element of effective negotiation is preparation. Sadly, it’s typically the most over-looked element in the process. The cost for that oversight is high.

Let’s first explore the perils of failing to properly prepare for negotiation. In Part I of this mini-series, we’ll uncover why preparation is important and the pitfalls of ignoring the process. In the next instalments, we’ll turn to some simple solid strategies you can use to boost your preparation effectiveness.

When people think of the elements of negotiation, leverage, tools, and skills usually first jump to mind. Leverage, tools and skills are valuable in a negotiation, but without effective preparation they are largely wasted. Even with leverage on your side, failing to consider, with intention, how to best use it is a lost opportunity. Having power without strategy, facts or focus renders the power of little value. Preparation will almost always trump power without preparation. In fact, preparation is power in a negotiation.

Likewise, skills without focus and direction will be of little use. We all know of examples of people with natural talents who never achieve their potential as they don’t work at the talent. No practice, no preparation, no results. I’ve often seen a naturally skilled negotiator get bested by someone with less natural skill and ability, but who put in the work to prepare for the negotiation.

Diligent and intentional preparation can level the playing field and then some. In fact, some experts suggest that preparation accounts for 45% of ones’ success in bargaining. Rushing into a negotiation without thorough preparation is one of the top negotiation mistakes, as is trying to fly by the seat of your pants. Preparation first involves preparing yourself – doing the inner work necessary to be able to show up as the best version of yourself. Also be sure to consider the other party. Prepare for how to best deal with each individual negotiation counter-part. Once you’ve mastered that, then turn to the process of the negotiation and how you can best utilize process for best outcomes. Then comes the preparation for the substance or matter of the negotiation.

Note that having strongly held views about what you want is not enough. I’ve seen many deals fall apart because one or both parties hadn’t done their preparation. You can end up walking away from a deal that could have benefitted you, or alternatively jump into a deal that doesn’t if you haven’t been thorough in your prep process.

Without systematic preparation processes, you’re more likely to become attached to a particular result and lack the requisite flexibility to come up with more creative outcomes that better serve both parties. This attachment blocks opportunities for better solutions and can have beneficial deals go south and/or disastrous deals go forward.

Ego is also more likely to show up in the room when you haven’t done your homework in advance. You’ll lack the requisite clarity and focus to make informed decisions. You’ll be easier to manipulate, less likely to keep your eye on the real target, and less likely to ascertain the needs of the other party – all of which are the kiss of death in most negotiations.

Fears are more likely to raise their ugly heads and tank your effectiveness and outcomes when you haven’t properly prepared. Fear of ‘losing’ and fear of the unknown are particularly popular problems arising from lack of preparation as is fear of being judged. You’re more likely to become reactive when these fears kick in and when you haven’t planned for all contingencies.

In addition, failure to fully prepare likely means you’ve forfeited valuable opportunities to consider the most advantageous timing and setting for your negotiations – both of which can move the dial when brought to bear with foresight. You won’t have the benefit of knowing your deep ‘why’ to keep you on track and motivated to get best results.

Perhaps most importantly, at the core of the negotiation, you won’t be likely to choose ‘who’ you show up as in the negotiation. This single factor alone can ensure better outcomes when approached with intention.

In addition to these key ‘inner’ aspects of preparation, it goes without saying that doing your homework around knowing your best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) as well as your resistance point/reservation price; setting your aspiration levels; having all relevant facts and figures (both for and against your position); exploring all possible arguments to support your position and anticipating those of the other party; prioritizing your interests and expecting the other party’s likely priorities; planning for concessions; determining best processes for improved outcomes; contemplating both yours and the other party’s potential biases; determining where the likely zone of potential agreement (ZOPA) lies; etc. are instrumental and should all be part of your regular preparation process.

Negotiation at its heart is about the art of influence and persuasion. Preparation enhances your ability to do both. Your success in negotiation largely depends on the quality of your preparation.

Hopefully, this has raised your awareness about the inherent value in preparation. In our next instalment, let’s dig in to a few of my favorite signature preparation models to help you get the best possible outcomes in your negotiations. And remember, all of life is a negotiation so you can apply these models to great effect in both your personal and professional life.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t. In 1967 Aretha Franklin belted out this powerful little word, rocking a nation and taking it to the top of the charts. It became a feminist anthem, a black-power anthem and a personal anthem for many. The word resonates for me as it reminds me of my late father. My dad loved Aretha, and he always preached at my sister and I to remember that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

In my last article, I talked about building trust in negotiations. I mentioned that respect and trust are closely connected. Respect breeds respect and in so doing builds trust. Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give it and to earn it. In fact, I’d postulate that you have to give respect to earn it.

I’m not talking here about the misuse of the word, where we speak of ‘grudging respect’ for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, demure out of fear, that’s not really respect. And it’s not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship, whether personal or professional. When people try to exert power over another, even when they’re successful, they haven’t earned respect, and so have not created a strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.

Having said that, you can respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. And you can respect someone’s achievements and how they got there, and still not like the person.

So, how does respect show up? It’s recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It’s seeking to listen and understand the other person. It’s ensuring you don’t see the other person as a mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but I invite you to consider that this view likely comes from a win-lose/zero-sum/positional/distributive approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative/principled/integrative approach.

This fixed mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with your ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with your ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. We often come from this place based on our conditioning and the myths we’ve accepted about negotiation i.e. that negotiation is all about toughness, about never ceding any ground, about competition. Not true. Not true. Not true.

Self-protection is another key source of interference in our ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiating our relationships. When we come from our ‘lower loop’ in self-protective mode as opposed to our ‘upper loop’ of self-leadership, we’re less likely to be able to show up as the best version of ourselves and show respect to other party.

I challenge you to consider whether you have been showing respect to the other party/parties in your negotiations. In particular, I’d like to challenge you to consider if you’re showing up with respect in the following scenarios:

I           Dealing with Children

In negotiating with children (whether your own or others) do you truly listen and seek to understand and meet their needs? Do you drop all distractions, give undivided attention, listen without interrupting or interjecting your opinions/suggestions/interpretations? Do you use body language and other nonverbal cues to demonstrate that you’re listening? Do you reflect back what they’ve said to ensure you understood correctly?

If you’re like most people, and if you’re being honest, the answer to those questions is likely a resounding no. We tend to exert power over children rather than seeking to establish power with them. We assume we know best and no matter how well-intentioned we may be, it signals a lack of respect to our children. It makes them feel unvalued, unimportant, ‘less than’. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most importantly, as noted earlier, if we’re not giving respect, we’re not likely to earn authentic respect.

I encourage you to get intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating your relationship with your children (or others). You may be pleasantly surprised at the results.

I also caution you to beware that this approach becomes even more challenging as our children transition into adulthood. Letting go can be difficult. As we resist, we fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure their self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with us and beyond).

As noted above, our lack of respect often comes from a place of perceived love and caring. It is our fears, hopes and dreams for our children that drive us to interfere, overwhelm and smother them rather than taking a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift to put ourself in their shoes, or allow them to let us see through their eyes. It’s only when we allow ourselves to see from that vantage point that we can give them the space to get creative. When we value and respect their viewpoint, we’re more likely to trigger reciprocal respect.

II          Dealing with the Elderly

Much like the challenges in transitioning as our kids grow into adults, we tend to drop the ball in negotiating our relationship with our aging parents (or other seniors) as well. Again, this often comes from a place of fear. As we see our once all-knowing and powerful parents decline, it shakes our foundation. We respond by imposing our views and our will. We don’t show them the respect they earned after a lifetime of contribution.

III         Dealing with Co-workers

Likewise, in the workplace, as our co-workers grow, develop and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to navigate these changes. We may continue to treat them as underlings and in so doing disrespect them and damage our relationship in the process.

IV         Dealing with Mental Health Issues

Your final challenge is to consider how you show up with people in your life who deal with mental health issues. Do you give them the respect and trust they deserve? Do you really listen (to the verbal and nonverbal communication)? Do you get intentional about understanding the issue from their perspective and point of view? Or, do you, thinking you’re coming from an altruistic place, seek to ‘help’ by exerting power over them?

Next time you’re going into a negotiation, whether in your personal or professional life, just remember to give – as Aretha would say – just a little bit of respect. And you’ll likely get it back in spades.

Do you know what you want and insist on getting it? I was reminded of this on vacation in Tahiti when a skinny stray cat came begging at my table. She was clearly hungry – bordering on emaciated (although gorgeous) – yet she refused my proffered treats of shrimp, rice and avocado (all I had to offer from my poke bowl), only deigning to accept my offering when I ‘borrowed’ some fish from my hubby’s plate.

Gotta love a girl who knows what she wants and doesn’t settle for less. Would you say that about yourself? Are you someone who knows what they want and insists on getting it? If you’re like most people, the honest answer to that is probably, “not really”.

Why is that? Why do we allow ourselves to go through life settling for less than our heart’s desire?

Here’s a few tips and insights to help you on the path to getting more of what you want and deserve …

I Work on Self-Love and Self-Worth

If you don’t value yourself, you will inevitably ask for less and get less than you deserve. If you seek external validation rather than building an unshakable sense of self-worth, you will sell yourself short. If you don’t own your value, others won’t recognize it.

Don’t make yourself smaller or play small. Don’t shy away from receiving. Recognize that you deserve great things in life.

How? Create your personal brag list. Start by listing things you love about yourself. Consider all the positive attributes, assets, and accomplishments. Consider the tangible and intangible, the physical, mental, and attitudinal. Include your qualities as well as your skills. This exercise is a valuable and critical way to retrain your brain – to undo the negative conditioning that you’ve been inundated with since childhood.

Read your brag list each night before bed, allow it to wash over you and absorb its essence. Add to your brag list each night and let yourself bask in a sense of your own worth as you sleep.

Our intrepid kitty loved herself enough to turn down what didn’t suit her and insist on getting what she loved.

II Get Clarity

While it seems obvious that clarity is important, most people fall short in achieving their dreams because they lack clarity about what that looks like. You can’t hit a fuzzy target in darts, archery or in life. Take time to drill down about what you truly seek in every aspect of your life.

Imagine that it’s 10 years from now. What do you desire in your life in each of the following categories:

• Health & Fitness
• Finance & Wealth
• Mission & Vision
• Growth and Learning
• Career
• Family and Friends
• Mission and Vision
• Emotional and Mental
• Quality of Life
• Spiritual
• Intimate/Romantic Relationships

Don’t make the mistake of only focusing on one category. It’s important to build balance into your life view.

And as you explore each category, be sure to invoke all your senses. Allow yourself to see it, hear it, taste it, feel it, and smell it. Be as specific as possible to really anchor in those desires to improve your ability to live into them.

Our kitty heroine had absolute clarity about what she was seeking … and as a result she got it.

III Set Boundaries

In addition to knowing what you do want in your life, it’s important to have clarity around what you won’t tolerate. Setting boundaries is an often-overlooked aspect of negotiating our best lives.

Without boundaries, it’s a slippery slope to accepting less than what we want and actually undercutting our ability to achieve our true heart’s desires. While I advocate flexibility in any negotiation (to enable pivoting when the information you relied upon changes or when a better option presents itself), it’s important to set intentional parameters going in. These are sometimes known as your ‘bottom line’, or ‘resistance point’.

Considering these boundaries in advance avoids getting caught up in the moment and making choices that don’t serve your long-time goals and vision.

The kitty heroine in our story not only knew what she wanted but had clarity around what she didn’t want. She wasn’t willing to take scraps that didn’t satisfy her specific desires and needs.

IV Go For It

Once you have practiced self-love, gotten clarity about what you seek and boundaries beyond which you’re not willing to compromise or settle, then go for it. So many people spend time thinking and analyzing and dreaming but fail to get into action to make those dreams a reality.

• Don’t make excuses about your inaction (the timing is off, etc).
• Don’t procrastinate, living a ‘one day’ mindset (when this happens, I’ll move forward with my plans).
• Don’t wait for perfection.
• Don’t let your fears hold you back (i.e. fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of failure … or success).

Instead, get into action. Ask for what you want. Follow up.

In doing so, you will dramatically increase your odds of getting what you want in life.

I’ve noticed an increase in emotional turmoil recently – both within my household and in the broader world at large. As I dealt with the issues giving rise to the turmoil and emotional upheaval in the lives of those closest to me, it got me to thinking about the corresponding turmoil and malaise beyond our doors and beyond borders. It struck me that a common denominator at the core of some of this unrest is self-regulation … or more accurately, the lack of self-regulation. And so, I decided to dedicate this post to this important issue.

What is it?

Self-regulation starts with awareness (about your thoughts, feelings, and actions). Much lip-service is paid to the concept of self-awareness these days. And yet, with our increasing technological reliance and decreasing human interaction, an argument can be made that we’re seeing less actual self-awareness.

I often say that our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves … negotiating our mindset. Recognizing that we engage in this negotiation constantly throughout our day, allows us to increase our intentionality around how we choose to show up. Don’t allow yourself to buy into the myth that your thoughts, feelings and reactions are beyond your control. Choose to engage in this negotiation with full awareness.

Why does it matter?

Self-regulation is key to successful relationships. This is critical as human connection is a universal need and desire. In fact, the quality of our relationships has been recognized as the #1 correlative factor determining our longevity in life. Note too, that human connection includes deeper connection and alignment with ourselves.

Self-regulation improves our well-being and determines our overall success in life. When we uncover how to recognize and manage our emotions in conjunction with handling our behaviour, we’re better able to manage stress, deal effectively with conflict, and achieve our desires.

How to develop it?

Mindfulness is a great first step on the path to effective self-regulation. Some people shy away from the idea of mindfulness, assuming it’s too ‘woo woo’. In fact, mindfulness is simply increasing our intention. Being present. Paying attention. Not judging. Simple breathing exercises and awareness helps improve our mindfulness, which in turn improves our self-regulation abilities.

Managing our thoughts and the meaning we attach to them is also key to self-regulation. According to a study by the Cleveland Clinic, the average person has 60,000 thoughts a day. Of these thoughts, a staggering 95% repeat each day. Of those repeating thoughts, sadly, 80% are negative. Imagine the power of flipping those negative stories that we inundate ourselves with daily and instead, choosing more empowering interpretations of our life experiences moment to moment.

Note that this doesn’t mean you’ll never have negative thoughts or emotions. The key is in recognizing them and choosing, with intention, to dial any given emotion up or down. Imagine you have a physical dial and for anything you feel, you can adjust that dial. Use your breathing to help with the adjustment.

One of my favourite quotes is:

Between every stimulus and response lies a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose a response.
In our response lies our growth and happiness.

In other words, while we can’t control everything that happens externally in our lives, we can control how we choose to react. Every time something happens in your life you have a moment in which to choose what your response to that situation will be. Use that pause to your benefit. Imagine your dial and determine (again with intention) how you could respond to step into the best version of yourself.

The beauty of this subject is that it is not rocket science. With a little practice you can master the art of self-regulation. If you do, it will improve your inner peace, your relationships, your social engagement and connection, and your ability to live into your dreams and vision.