C-Suite Network™

Menu

Category: Culture

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Should parents always present a united front?

 

Did you ever catch that children’s program, Bananas in Pajamas?

The main characters are two bananas, B1 and B2, who are identical in every way. They walk the same, talk the same, and very often think the same! B1 and B2 are always aligned, and they live in the kind of harmonious home that could ONLY exist on a kid’s TV show.

The Banana family is unknowingly helping to perpetuate the myth of the united front. I’ve worked with thousands of parents in the last 20 years, and most of them believe that parents should be in total agreement when it comes to making decisions about their kids. Like identical twin bananas, they strive to feel, think, and react the same way to their children.

Child: Can I go to a friend’s house this weekend?
Parents: (In unison) Yes!

Child: Can I eat this block of chocolate for dinner?
Parents: (United) No!

Child: Can you teach me to square dance?
Parents: (At the same time) Maybe later.

You get my point.

The problem is that the united front isn’t real! You and your parenting partner are two distinct human beings. You each have your own history, upbringing, and unique set of experiences. You’re probably unconsciously passing down behaviors and beliefs you learned as a child, long before you met your partner or became a parent. Your opinions may be influenced by deeply held beliefs about age, gender, propriety, and other factors. You might feel the way you do because of what you ate for breakfast.

In short, it’s I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E to agree with your partner on every single issue or question around raising your kids. Trying to present a united front is not only exhausting, it’s inauthentic.

At the same time, you don’t want to get into a pattern where your child runs from one parent to the other, only respecting the answer they want to hear. What’s a conscious parent to do?

Be honest. If you disagree with your partner on certain issues when it comes to your kids, be transparent with them about your feelings. Ignoring your differences will cause more trouble later on. Discuss your own childhoods and how your experiences have shaped you to react differently.
Show your support. You can have a different opinion than your partner without undermining them. For example, “I’d love to play music right now, but Daddy needs to work” is a better explanation for your child than “Your Dad says we can’t play music right now. He’s no fun.”
Forget good cop, bad cop. No one’s “good” or “bad” for feeling one way or another. Learn to honor your individuality in front of your children while respecting your partner’s feelings (and your child’s). It will teach them to do the same.

I hope you’re ready to lay the myth of the united front to rest!

If you’d like to join a community of parents who don’t always agree but still support one another, check out the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

3 Reasons Antiracism Efforts Are Failing At Your Organization

The year 2020 has been called the year of America’s racial reckoning by some. It’s been called a time where movements for racial and social justice exploded on the national scene. I have to be honest. I am not convinced. As a student of history, I have learned to analyze the difference between what activist Joe Madison calls a moment versus a movement. Was #metoo a moment or a movement? In my opinion, it has turned out to be a moment in history because I have not seen wholesale systemic change in how women are treated in the workplace beyond certain individuals like Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and others rightfully having their careers and fame challenged and more or less ended. I feel a similar vibe happening with the work of antiracism.

I have been engaged in so many powerful trainings and talks with organizations on the issue of antiracism, defined by some as “the policy or practice of opposing racism and promoting racial tolerance.” From the human resources to the executive level, I have been truly impressed by the sincerity by which these organizations have taken issues of racial or social justice head-on. Below I am sharing three reasons why the antiracist efforts of your organization may not be working.

  1. You do not fully understand what antiracism is.

Is antiracism just a word at your company? Are you and your colleagues really learning vocabulary that speaks to the challenges we face today? Can you and your colleagues explain the difference between racism and systemic racism or a microaggression and a stereotype? Words matter. Definitions matter. I have had multiple situations where I had to work with an organization on just agreeing to the same definition of a term like antiracism before we could move on in any other part of the discussion and it was completely worth it because, in times when this was not done, we had to backtrack and start over with definitions.

This is an extremely important step because if I’m looking at systemic racism as “a form of racism that is embedded as a normal practice within society or an organization” and you are looking at racism from the lens of “I never owned slaves so I’m not responsible for racism” or “if you just work hard you can overcome anything” without even acknowledging the “systemic” part of “systemic racism”, any training we do is going to be unintentionally sabotaged from the beginning. Invest the time necessary to get on the same page before you move forward.

  1. You are too focused on the problem and not the solutions.

Too many organizations have focused their antiracism efforts on reading articles and books and talking about them. This obviously must continue but it cannot be enough. For many nonwhite people, especially black people I have spoken to at some organizations, antiracism training is just the replacement term for diversity training. Saying “Black Lives Matter” is the new version of saying “We value diversity.” Organizations that have been more successful with their antiracism efforts have shown that black salaries matter and black employees matter. In short, they understand that representation matters.

Organizations that have hired more nonwhite people at the executive level, granted more power to their directors of diversity, and have increased representation of nonwhite people across the board are experiencing greater employee satisfaction and are celebrated more by their customers, exemplified by MSNBC naming Rashida Jones as president of the network and introducing more shows hosted by black people such as Tiffany Cross and Johnathan Capehart. It is represented by President-elect Biden not just saying he believed in diversity but making his cabinet more diverse including adding Native American congressperson Deb Haaland to his cabinet as well as appointing the first openly gay cabinet member in Pete Buttigieg.

  1. Antiracism is a fad at your organization.

I remember during the summer of 2020 seeing “black lives matter” signs going up everywhere from Dell to Starbucks. Even republican senators like Mitt Romney had marched for black lives and verbalized the phrase. Microsoft’s advertising department got in trouble after an email surfaced asking that they paint a #blacklivesmatter mural while the protests were “still relevant.” This led to a powerful response by artist Shantell Martin, who partially wrote that “Education and Accountability must occur in order to see REAL change. Supporting equality only when it’s popular is in itself a form of racism.”

While the aforementioned situation does not represent all of Microsoft, it does express the sentiments that I have seen by some leaders of organizations and companies that see work on antiracism as the flavor of the month. The fact of the matter is that, especially in the age of social media, your company will indeed be exposed positively or negatively. Your organization would actually be better off doing nothing rather than putting forth a half-hearted measure that will create more problems than you are trying to solve. Make sure your efforts are sincere and you are more likely to get buy-in from most parties involved.

     Going forward.

At the end of the day, it is important that your organization steps back to truly assess what your goals are when you state that you want to embrace antiracist policies. I have stated before that even though I am an antiracist and committed to the work, I am not a big fan of the word because it literally focuses (by the definition of the word “anti”) on what we are against as opposed to what we are for. It is similar to the late Mother Teresa stating that she would never attend an anti-war rally but would attend a pro-peace rally.

If you really want to assess your antiracist efforts, you should look at what progress your company has made eight months after the killing of George Floyd, which was one of the major catalysts for today’s antiracist efforts along with the killing of Breonna Taylor. In the same way you have not heard their names on television lately due to potential social justice fatigue, is your organization experiencing antiracism fatigue or just not moving forward? The three steps above may help you but only if you and your organization are sincere about the work and honest about exposing the challenges your organization faces in order to make sure that you are part of a movement and not a moment. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32223″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fbecome-c-suite-network-executive-membership%2Fpricing-options%2F|||”]

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Rewarding Your Child Actually Bad for Them?

Imagine having a remote control to manage and direct your kid’s behavior.
 
Clean your room. Done.
Do your homework. Done.
 
Go to bed. Done.
 
Wouldn’t life be a breeze? No more nagging. No more heated arguments. No more talking back.
It’s a joke of course—or is it?
 
Life would certainly be easier if our kids always did what we asked.
 
But then they’d be more like robots and less like the complex, wonderful humans we know and love.
 
In my TEDxChandlersCreek presentation, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I talk about how the reward and punishment method can be similar to using a remote control on our kids.
When we try to manipulate our children’s behavior by rewarding actions that we deem “good” and punishing those we see as “bad,” we activate the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
 
Why?
 
Because rewarding “good” behavior tells our kids they only deserve praise or love when they accomplish specific goals or act in a socially acceptable manner.
 
On the flip side, when we punish so-called “bad” behavior, we fail to address the unmet need fueling the misdeed.
 
Ignoring the messages behind our kids’ actions inadvertently tells them that they don’t matter.
 
Relying on rewards and punishments gives them the impression that we don’t care if they’re sad, angry, or lonely—we just want them to behave well. Like robots.
 
I myself was a product of unconscious parenting. I had to learn how to honor my inner voice after being taught to suppress my authentic self in the name of “good” behavior.
 
I talk about my own journey and so much more in the presentation, which you can watch right here.
 
Love and Blessings,
Katherine
 
P.S. I recently had the privilege of speaking with LaWann Moses on the More Than a Mother podcast. Together, we had a powerful dialogue about the underlying issues that many parents are dealing with in their relationships with their children. Check out the episode to learn more!
 
https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Categories
Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

Should schools also speak separately to white students, parents, and staff?

I have been really impressed by the steps taken by schools to speak to the racial tensions engulfing America right now. I have had the honor in my work to also lead some of these discussions as well and will be leading more. As a parent of K-12 children, I have also watched my own school’s response to the crisis in America today. Moreover, I have spent a great deal of time reviewing the responses of schools at the university level. While I have appreciated the fact that so many of these institutions have initiated or renewed a commitment to ensuring that black lives matter, I have found myself asking one question over and over again: what direct message is going out to white students, students, and staff?

Across the country, many social media posts have popped up with some form of @blackat… handle. These are accounts where black students, as well as alumni, have posted their negative experiences being black at their schools. These stories started to really trend in 2016 after incidents of racism at schools like American University, where I teach. I was inspired by this movement to finally write about my own “black at” experience from 7th-12th grade at Boston Latin School. I believe the @blackat… postings are also a large part of the reason why schools have been feeling more pressure to respond to their black students in ways they have not before. I wonder if, in some unintentional way, that this is leading to black students being singled out in ways that might do more harm than good despite the best intentions of schools. Let’s look at an example.

One high school I was watching sent out an email that they were having a zoom call for black students, another call for multiracial students, and a third one for all students. I have spoken at enough schools to know that this can backfire. While many black students can be vocal and will speak up on issues, this type of action can lead to black students feeling they have to be the representative for all black people, which is an added burden, particularly in schools where they are not in the majority. Furthermore, not meeting with the white students separately can make it seem like they’re being brought in as allies and not as partners. I have written about how this concept of “allyship” can create more problems than it solves. Another reason this is problematic is because many of the challenges black students face come at the hands of white students in addition to other issues, such as curriculum and staffing. Did I expect the students who wore white hoods in protest of my running for class president to really care for a call to all students about racial unity? Those students needed separate interventions, which never came and made me feel more marginalized. Schools, therefore, need to create environments where white students can be organized and spoken to directly about the antiracist work they must be doing amongst themselves. Robin DiAngelo speaks in White Fragility to the work white people must do to challenge racism. The book is primarily for adults but much of the work can be instructive for students as well. This takes us also to white parents and staff. I have appreciated the calls I have been on and led with parents of all backgrounds, and oftentimes the white parents and staff outnumber the black parents and staff. This makes sense given the makeup of these schools but if the black parents and staff are going to be separated or addressed in separate conversations, which happens, wouldn’t the fight for equity and equality necessitates that white, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American parents and staff be spoken to separately as well? Are schools equipped to even have that conversation? Are they ready to discuss, for example, how many private schools always use a black child as the face for the financial aid campaigns although the school may have more white students in the school on some form of financial aid? Are they ready to discuss the social networks that often form among white parents and staff that often exclude black people unless some form of representation is needed? My wife and I have had to often think twice before sending our kids to some birthday parties because we had to be sure that our kids were really invited because of friendship and not out of a desire to have diversity at a party. Examples like these are endless.

At the end of the day, I could write an entire dissertation on the ways in which our schools are failing its black students. Many like Dr. Gloria Ladson-Billings and Glenn Singleton have already done that work and more are doing it now. What is most important now is that schools realize that black students are suffering for real reasons that go beyond the lack of representation of their full history in the curriculum. Much of what we suffer as black students, parents, and staff in these schools comes at the hands of our interactions, or lack thereof, with white students, parents, and staff. If schools are going to be really serious about addressing issues related to the black lives matter movement, they must be equally dedicated to challenging white students, parents, and staff in an authentic way that leads them to understanding their role in this movement. It is obvious that all white people are not to blame and I commend the white student, parents, and staff who are out there doing the work every single day to condemn ignorance and create true equity and equality. It is high time, however, that schools directly challenge their white students, parents, and staff in ways that go beyond a book club and curriculum review. Those are good points of departure but the journey is long and must go deeper beyond this moment.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

How to Become an Awesome Parenting Partner

 

Whether you parent with a partner who sleeps next to you at night, co-parent with an ex, or even share the responsibility of raising your kid with Grandma or Grandpa, those relationships have their ups and downs. Parenting is fraught with daily stresses, and our conversations can very easily sound like this:

Didn’t I tell you they need to start Zoom school at 9? It’s 9:30!
How can you let them watch TV when I literally just said they can’t?!
Why do I feel like I’m doing everything and you’re doing nothing?

Sound familiar? You might find it increasingly challenging to manage working from home, keeping house, and playing teacher to your kid. And because of that, your relationship with your parenting partner may be on the rocks.

Pexels Elina Fairytale 3807188 1

Here are 5 ways to help you repair that relationship and become a better parenting partner:

  1. Practice effective communication. Sighs, grunts, and eye-rolls aren’t effective ways to communicate. Kind, clear communication is crucial to raising healthy and secure kids. Instead of yelling “You never help me when I need you to!”, try (calmly) saying, “I feel overwhelmed because I have a meeting in five minutes. Can you help me by [insert your specific request]?”
  2. Be strategic. Treat your parenting tasks like business goals, especially when issues arise. Create a schedule. Prepare an agenda. Have objectives. Exchange relevant information with your partner and keep them in the loop. Work together to come up with solutions.

  1. Cultivate an atmosphere of respect. One of the fundamental values of conscious parenting is communicating with respect. As parenting partners, you need to model that behavior in how you talk to, and about, each other. Avoid trash-talking your partner or undermining their authority, especially in front of your child.
  1. Agree to be consistent. It’s confusing for a kid to continually shift from one set of rules and expectations to another. Apply consistency to bedtime, chores, and study and play periods. Get on the same side about what’s permitted and what isn’t. Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them and be consistent.
  1. Chill out. Overextending yourself in too many directions makes you tired, overwhelmed, and cranky. For the sake of your partner, your child, and yourself, make sure you create time in your schedule to kick back and relax. Even a few minutes of quiet time makes a difference.

When sticking to these guidelines feels challenging, remember the ultimate goal: to raise happy, healthy children. And that can only be achieved when the parenting team—you and your partner—are happy and healthy too.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

From allies to partners: how white people can be better listeners

I’ve heard and read several stories about what white people need to do right now. Many of those stories talked about the need for white people to listen. That is absolutely true, but there are two points that need to be added: how to listen, and what to do after whites listen. I must say that I have heard for years that white people will only listen to other white people and they need to have their own conversations. While I do believe that white people need to do more amongst each other to further the work to end racism, we must ask what would happen if people like Dr. King believed he couldn’t speak to white people? With that, I am going to share my thoughts on how white people need to listen and what to do after they do so.

Les Brown once said to me that we have two ears and one mouth and that we should use them in proportion. So the first step in listening is to truly commit to not responding to every point brought up by black people who are speaking up about racism. For example, when I conduct my trainings on black boys in our educational system, I’ve been told by white educators that the issue isn’t race, it’s class. It’s not race, it’s gender. It’s not race, it’s this or that. Are you someone who is quick to say you want to listen but then shoot down the arguments made by the person you claim to be listening to? There is a difference between listening to what you want to hear and what the person speaking has to and often needs to say.

So rather than listen to correct, listen to respect. Rather than listen to analyze, listen to empathize. Rather than listen to teach, listen to learn. After you listen, acknowledge the words shared with you and acknowledge what you didn’t know. You don’t lose anything by being honest. I’ve had multiple conversations with white people in the last few days who have said things like “I really didn’t understand until I saw that video of George Floyd being killed” or “I really thought we had turned a corner once Obama was elected” or “I don’t know what to do as a white person right now.” Many of us in the black community get frustrated by these comments but I have also heard these and similar comments from black people who also thought these days were behind us. We have to take people for what they know when they know it but then it’s time for action.

The next step after listening is not take the patronizing mentality of “I’ll be your ally.” There is a certain level of arrogance that has started to develop with this term “ally.” We don’t need allies. We need partners. Allies help out and go home. Partners work together for a common good. Allies go to the sporting venue to cheer on their team and go home after the win (or loss). Partners are on the court as a player on the team and fight together for a common cause, win or lose. Where do you fit in the stadium of effective listening?

Once you believe you have become an effective listener, it’s now time for action. Action takes many forms but the first form is educating yourself. What’s on your bookshelf? Who is on your podcast favorites? What documentaries are you watching? Reading lists such as these are great ways to get started. Dr. King said that the two most dangerous things in this world are sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. You don’t know what you don’t know. You have to get out and learn so that you can engage from an informed position. That way after you start to listen, you can simultaneously engage in the work needed to challenge racism, systemically and individually. Systemic work looks at ways you can challenge racism wherever it presents itself in society. Individual work looks at conversations you should be having with your neighbors, co-workers, and especially family members who espouse racist ideas.

I saw a sign during the protest that said “White silence equals police violence” and several spins on that. Whether you agree with that or not, it is indeed true that silence equals compliance. By not becoming an engaged listener, educating yourself, and speaking up when you witness ignorance or injustice, you are part of the problem. There is no middle ground. As you can see, this country is in an all-hands-on deck approach. Where do you stand? How will you stand? We are working with or without you but I believe that success is better together. Dr. King said that he would rather see a good sermon than hear one. The world is waiting to see your sermon. Let’s go!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Ask Katherine: How do I get my kids to read?

 

  1. Pick a genre they’re interested in. Is your child into animals and insects? Try recommending “Charlotte’s Web” or “Babe.” Do they love a good adventure? “Chronicles of Narnia” might be right up their alley! Capture their attention with topics and genres they already enjoy.
  2. Create a cozy reading nook. Whether it’s a small tent in the living room or a pile of pillows in the bedroom, create a space dedicated to reading. Children love having their own space to enjoy. Make one rule, though: in order to use the reading nook, they actually have to read.
  3. Surround them with reading material. If a kid grows up surrounded by candy, chances are high that they’ll like candy. The same rhetoric applies to reading: when your children have easy access to books, they’ll be more likely to pick one up.

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] 4.Make reading a family habit. Children model their parent’s behavior, so make reading a shared activity for the entire family (yes, that includes Mom and Dad). Schedule an hour or two on the weekends just for books. You can even join your kids in their reading nook!

5.Read aloud. Reading aloud can make a story more engaging. Take turns reading chapters or assign a specific character to each family member. You can also try audiobooks, many of which have fun voice narration to captivate even the most distractible audiences.

6.Make reading fun. Create fun activities centered around reading. For your outdoorsy boys, a bike ride to the library might do the trick! Older children may enjoy starting a book club with their friends or cousins. They can even host their “club meetings” out on the lawn or over Zoom!

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Culture Economics Entrepreneurship Human Resources Management Personal Development

How is the Great Resignation Driving Cultural Change in the Workplace?

Employees have been caught in limbo during the past couple of years. In thinking about the next career path, they should take, some employees are considering relying on accumulated savings over the years rather than continuing in seemingly lifeless employment.

Publicists have coined this event the Great Resignation—mostly credited to the effects of the pandemic, droves of employees have considered (and might have chosen) to leave their jobs.

To understand how the Great Resignation came to be, we should focus on two important factors: care and burnout.

What is Driving the Great Resignation? 

Even before the pandemic, employees are caught in a vicious cycle of outperforming each other. Employees are measured by nothing else but the amount of contribution they bring to the organization. If you have not hit your quota, you don’t have the “right” to take it easy and have a break. Employees are glorified for working 10-hour (or more!) workdays. This is not sustainable and has got to end at some point. When you’re working day in and day out with no end in sight, burnout is imminent.

This feeling of burnout was exacerbated by the lack of care some employers have shown their employees during the height of the pandemic. While some employers have been quick to deploy employee-friendly policies towards performance, attendance, and other factors, others maintained a rigid mindset. They dismissed the threat of the pandemic and continued to demand the same intensity from their employees without showing a little compassion and care.

These two factors came together and somewhat gave the employees the necessary jolt to finally proceed in leaving their posts.

Changes That We Can Expect in the Workplace Moving Forward

The Great Resignation may have been a wake-up call for employers to step up. Before the management and the employees may have existed on two separate planes but if there’s anything the Great Resignation and the pandemic have taught us is that our quality of life, safety, and health are far more important than our jobs, roles, and profits.

The pandemic has made us rethink how fleeting our lives are. Therefore, it will become normal for both employers and employees to find more fulfilling things to do.

You can expect that employers and employees will no longer face burnout and lack of care separately. With that, we can expect that these two groups will collaborate in making the working environment more conducive for growth and development for the employees and for the company to be recognized for having a “toxic-free” work culture.

Short-term fixes such as offering people more money or promotion will no longer make them stay. Even if they do, you’re just delaying the inevitable–short-term benefits have failed to turn demoralized employees into happy ones, time and time again.

Progressive cultural changes should start from the company. Take this opportunity to reset your organization’s purpose, find time to listen to your people, prioritize learning and development – give your employees a sense of purpose, and most importantly give a lot of importance to their well-being. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

What’s Next?

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics 4.5 million workers quit or changed their jobs in November of 2021. The percentage of “quit rate” – the percentage of those who voluntarily left their jobs – jumped back up to 3 percent. A March 2021 survey found that 54 percent of employees around the world would consider leaving their job if they were not provided some form of flexibility in where and when they work. The U.S. Census Bureau reported that 2021 saw a whopping 5.4 million new business applications, surpassing the 4.4 million in 2020. In 2019 there were 3.5 million applications reported. What do all these numbers represent?

Two things are blatantly clear…first, the tide has shifted from an EMPLOYER dominant workforce to an EMPLOYEE one. Secondly, the number of new inexperienced business owners has increased by more than 2 million applications. If given the opportunity and resources needed to survive the next 2-5 years, we could see a tremendous boost in our nation’s GDP as more money is pumped into our economy, not to mention our labor force. Or…we could see the downside of this economic surge as businesses follow the norm and fail within the next 3-5 years.

MarketAtomy LLC is committed to keeping this from happening by bringing the resources and education needed to prepare these new business owners for growing a successful small business. To find out more go to marketatomy.com or to our eLearning environment at marketatomy.academy.

Danna Olivo is a Growth Strategist, Author, and Public Speaker. As CEO of MarketAtomy LLC, her passion is working with first-stage business owners to ensure that they are prepared and equipped to launch and grow a successful small business. She understands the intricacies involved early on in business formation and as such the challenges that come with it. A graduate of the University of Central Florida’s College of Business, Danna brings more than 40 years of experience strategically working with small and medium businesses, helping them reach their growth goals. danna.olivo@marketatomy.com

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

The real reason your child doesn’t listen to you.

Control. Do you feel yourself longing for it lately? 

 

When life feels uncertain, we often respond by grasping for control in any way possible. You hyperfocus on cleaning up the house.   You micromanage a project at work.   You criticize your spouse for the way they do…just about anything.

 

And you try to get your kid to “behave.” 

 

The belief that we should control our children, that they need to act according to our wishes, usually comes from a deep-seated belief passed down from our own childhood. And when our kids don’t do what we think they should do, we take it personally:

 

They’re driving ME crazy. 

 

They’re making ME frustrated. 

 

They’re not listening to ME.

 

via GIPHY

 

We’re tuned into how our kids make us feel, but what about them? 

 

If they’re not listening to you, who are they listening to? 

 

The answer is that they’re listening to something inside themselves. It’s their inner voice, the one that tells them how they feel and what they want to do next. 

 

Granted, what they want to do next might be:

 

  • throw a temper tantrum
  • ride a scooter through the house, or 
  • sneak out after curfew. 

 

I’m not suggesting you let your child do whatever they want. The opposite of control isn’t chaos. It’s consideration. 

 

When you consider your kid, you acknowledge that their desires and needs are different than your own. I call that the “inner no.” When your child says “no” to you, they’re saying “yes” to something inside themselves.

 

“When your child says ‘no’ to you, they’re saying yes to something inside themselves.”

 

Developing a sense of self is important for your kid. You want to raise a confident adult who’s able to advocate for what they need. But without the right guidance, you’ll probably default to trying to control your child’s behavior, which undermines their self-confidence. 

 

Every parent I’ve worked with has made the mistake of trying to control their child in some way. But you can change your behavior and transform your relationship. (And incidentally, your child will probably start listening to you more often!)

 

If making this change is important to you, then I highly recommend you watch my free webinar, 3 Common Mistakes Parents Make and How to Reverse Them. Letting go of control isn’t easy, but I’m confident that the techniques you’ll learn can help you get there.

Follow us on: Facebook
Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating?

Is your teenager’s defiant behavior ruling your family life?

The teenage years are challenging, leaving many parents and caregivers at a loss. But in fact, there’s a perfectly legitimate explanation for their behavior. During adolescence, humans begin developing their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for making judgments, weighing pros and cons, and managing emotional responses.

This critical part of the brain continues developing until the mid-20s, making it difficult for teenagers to think critically and manage their moods. Research even shows that teens often misread cues and facial expressions…and are more likely to interpret them as being shocked or angry.

Yikes! Combined with the flood of new hormones coursing through their bodies, it’s no wonder your teen walks around constantly sighing, rolling their eyes, and slamming doors!

17

Understanding the Three Rs

According to child psychologist Dr. Louise Porter, who I co-authored the Guidance Approach to Parenting with, 75% of family disruptions result from what Dr. Thomas Gordon called the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.

When your child refuses to walk beside you at the mall, they’re resisting. When they go to a party instead of doing their homework, they’re rebelling. When they’re aggressive with their siblings because they feel misunderstood, they’re retaliating.

Teens’ defiant behavior is a reaction to power and control being imposed over them and is the classic activation of those 3Rs mentioned above. The lack of control over their emotions and bodies, combined with their legitimate need for self-direction and autonomy that is thwarted by many parents, causes them to “act out.”

As parents, we owe it to our teenagers to practice empathy and do our best to understand where they’re coming from. To combat normal but challenging behaviors, we have to give them the autonomy they crave while still ensuring their safety and well-being

18

7 Practical Tips for Managing Your Teen’s Behavior

The 3Rs can be eliminated by using the Guidance Approach to Parenting.  The reason the 3Rs surface is that controlling discipline activates them. The way to prevent them from surfacing is to never activate them in the first place. My TEDx talk, “The Rebellion is Here: We Created It and We Can Solve It,” has more detail about how the process works.

These practical tips can make a world of difference: 

1. When tempers rise, disengage. If your teen is defensive or upset, postpone heavy conversations for a later time. Give them space to calm down and think things over. You’ll benefit from this space, too.

2. Set age-appropriate guidelines. Give your teenagers the independence they crave, setting age-appropriate guidelines. What’s reasonable for a 13-year-old is probably too restrictive for a 16-year-old, so use your judgment and be open to feedback. Create solutions together, seeking clarity so everyone’s on the same page: “So are you saying you would feel better if I let you do your own thing from 2-5 pm on Saturdays, as long as you tell me where you’re going and with whom?”

3. Find common ground. Connect with your child by finding activities you both enjoy. Watch a movie together, go get ice cream, or play a favorite sport. Engaging in shared interests fosters a positive environment for meaningful connection. If your teen starts opening up about their life, listen and invite them to tell you more! Be careful not to use the 12 roadblocks to communication or will go awry!

Is Your Teen Rebelling, Resisting, and Retaliating

4. Respond, don’t react. When your teenager confides in you for the first time about, say, a boy they’re interested in, resist the urge to freak out! Drop the “my baby” perspective and be as objective as you can. Give advice like you would to a friend, assuring your teen that they can talk to you about anything—even the uncomfortable stuff.

5. Avoid phrases like “You never” and “You always.” Nothing sparks defensiveness more than the words “never” and “always.” Reframe your language to be non-accusatory. Instead of, “You’re always late for school!” say “I’ve received some reports about lateness from your school; is everything okay?”

6. Respect their privacy. With so much happening in their minds and bodies, teens can be extremely self-conscious about, well, everything. Respect their budding sense of self. That means no snooping in bedrooms, phones, laptops, or social media. Build trust with your teen, and they’ll feel empowered to tell you what’s going on.

7. Help them understand the changes in their body. Teens are better equipped at handling physiological changes when they’re fully aware of what’s happening. If they don’t want to talk to you about these changes, enlist the help of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.

As your teenager navigates this complex period in their lives, it’s critical for parents to provide the support they desperately need.

Still feeling daunted? Parents need support, too! Our private FB community can help you chart these churning waters. Join us inside the Facebook Group for Tuesday Tips for Parents, Tuesdays at 6:10 pm PST. Our team of coaches streams in live every week to answer all your parenting questions.

Powered By MemberPress WooCommerce Plus Integration