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How to Win More Negotiations — Focus Your Thoughts


“Be leery of the man that attempts to sell you someone else’s clothes when he himself is unclothed. That’s when he may be engaged in a diversion.” –Greg Williams, The Master Negotiator & Body Language Expert, www.TheMasterNegotiator.com

To win more negotiations, you should focus your thoughts. That’s to say, you should be very thoughtful of what you’re thinking during the negotiation, why you have such thoughts, and where those thoughts might lead. To do otherwise could mean you’re led haphazardly towards a negotiation outcome that doesn’t serve your goals of the negotiation. Observe the following to increase the focus of your thoughts in a negotiation.

Breaking News: Do you take note of how and when TV News organizations flash that moniker across/on the screen? At that moment they’re attempting to grab your attention from what you were focusing on and directing it to what they want you to focus on. In most cases, the breaking news is nothing that would really demand you lend your attention to, but they’ve captured your focus, which was their intent. If you raise your awareness to what’s being attempted by such ploys in a negotiation, you’ll focus your thoughts on not losing your focus per what’s important to your negotiation effort.

Be mindful of when timeouts are called: When timeouts are called in a negotiation, note the reason cited for the timeout and assess the reasoning validity. As an example, if you happen to be winning the negotiation or a point in that process, and the opposing negotiator asks to take a break, he could be doing so to slow your momentum, take the time to gather additional insights/thoughts, and/or to refresh himself. All such insights will give you guidance per what may be occurring in his mind, as to the reasoning he called a timeout. Thus, it may or may not behoove you to grant his request, depending on how hard you wish to push at that time and/or what your next move is intended to achieve. The point is, be aware when there’s a shift in the negotiation and what may have occurred to cause it.

Diversions – Sizzlin’ Korean BBQ: Take note of what the opposing negotiator is asking you to focus on. Question yourself, and possibly her, why she’s asking you to lend your attention to the point she’s highlighting. Note the same when you make a point and attempts are made to divert it. Ask yourself, why was my point given less credence? Why doesn’t she want to address my point and what implications does that have?

In a negotiation, the other negotiator may not tell you how to think, but he may attempt to direct your thoughts by suggesting what you should think about. In so doing, he’s controlling you and the negotiation. To the degree that you think of what you’re thinking about, why you have such thoughts and how those thoughts are aligned with the goals you seek for the negotiation, you’ll combat his efforts while promoting the outcome you seek.

By focusing on what you think about and why you have such thoughts, you’ll be in more control of the negotiation, which will allow you to win more negotiations … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating!

 

 

 

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Management Marketing Operations Skills Women In Business

They Don’t Appreciate Me

Have you been in environments where you felt you were not appreciated when talking with acquaintances that you’ve known for some time? In such cases, did you question to what degree your enhanced skills, knowledge, insights were not recognized, and thus your acquaintance saw you as possessing the same level of insight/knowledge as in prior years? After all, they know you as the person they’d interacted with 3, 5, 10, etc., years ago. They haven’t updated the new you that you’ve become.

As we go through life, our knowledge increases and thus we morph into a different person. To the degree someone who knew you from your past sees you in that past light, and not for the person that you’ve become, they see you as the person they’ve always known. Thus, in their eyes, you’re the same person.

When you find yourself in a position where you’re not appreciated for whatever advances you’ve made, you can do one of four things:

  1. Stay in the environment and attempt to change it
  2. Leave the environment immediately and move on to greener pastures
  3. Destroy the current environment and remake it to serve your needs
  4. Stay in the environment, not let it impact you and wait for the right opportunity to leave/escape it

In any case, when you feel you’re not appreciated, understand the mindset you possess per why you feel unappreciated and to what degree there’s validity to your emotions. If you assess your feelings are valid, adopt an action and take control of your life.

Life is too short not to be appreciated. Thus, always seek environments in which your contributions are appreciated and you’ll flourish in such environments … and everything will be right with the world.

What does this have to do with negotiations?

The same thing is true in a negotiation as what’s stated above. If the opposing negotiator does not see value in you, your offer, or the value that you bring to the negotiation table, exit the negotiation. The more time you invest in a negotiation that you’re not appreciated, the greater the chance you’ll end up with a bad deal. So, be very aware of the degree you’re being appreciated during the negotiation. Therein will lie the degree of success you might achieve. Once you raise your awareness to such, you’ll gain more from all of your negotiations … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating!

 

 

 

 

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Best Practices Economics Human Resources Industries Investing Management Marketing Skills Women In Business

7 Questions You Can Ask That Will Make You a Better Negotiator

Questions form the foundation for the exchange of information in a negotiation. To the degree you ask better questions, you’ll achieve greater negotiation outcomes. The following are 7 questions you can ask that will make you a better negotiator, and enhance the probability of your negotiation outcomes.

  1. Did you hear what you just said?

This question can be used to draw attention to a point that you wish to highlight. It can also serve as a distraction away from a point that doesn’t serve you.

  1. What’s the best outcome you’d like to see us reach?

This question gets at the heart of what the other negotiator would like   to see as a ‘best outcome’ situation, which gives you insight into his thought process.

  1. What’s most important to you in this negotiation?

Similar to question number 2, you’ll gain insight into the thought process of the other negotiator, which will give you a glimpse of how to negotiate with her. You’ll also get an idea of her priorities.

  1. What concerns do you have about this negotiation, this point, etc.?

This serves as a way to probe deeper into the mindset of the opposing negotiator per what he fears the most about the outcome of the negotiation. Observe his body language. If he says he doesn’t   have any concerns. Note if he sits back or leans forward as he’s speaking. If he leans forward, he’s more likely not to be concerned at that time. If he leans away, that could indicate he does have concerns, he might not want to share them with you at that time.

  1. What can we do to get past this impasse?

By getting his perspective, you gain a sense of how you might unravel the impasse. If you can adopt his suggestions, to the degree they serve you, you’ll be granting him the outcome he wants. That means he’ll buy into it. Remind him that you’re following his suggestions if he balks later.

  1. Why is that so important?

First, be observant of your tone when posing this question. Your tonality might be perceived as the matter being trivial. If it possesses true value to her, you don’t want to give the impression that it’s not a big deal, especially if it is to you. By doing so, she could say, okay, then give it to me. That would leave you in a weakened position.

  1. What can I do to make things right?

Be very cautious when asking this question. You don’t want to open the floodgates by allowing the other  negotiator to ask for the moon and you not be able to grant the request. On the opposing side, once again, you get a sense of what it might take to make it better, which means you can choose to grant some or none of the requests.

As you can see, the questions you pose during a negotiation set the tone and pace of the negotiation. The questions above can be strategically used during a negotiation to direct or redirect the negotiation in a particular direction that serves your purpose. To do so, use the questions in the order that are best suited for your purpose based on when a particular question is needed. If you do this masterfully, you’ll leave the negotiation with more gains than you otherwise might have had … and everything will be right with the world.

 

Remember, you’re always negotiating!

 

 

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Marketing Personal Development

Do You Know Why Your Marketing Content Is Working?

Most large companies have embraced data-driven marketing by now. (If your company hasn’t, I suggest you give it a big hug right now.) But along the way to Big Data Nirvana, a few problems arose. A big one is understanding the difference between correlation and causation. For example, on an e-Commerce site, do you know which web page is most associated with purchase? It’s the Thank You page. You probably guessed that great Thank You pages don’t cause more purchases.

So, yeah, that’s a silly example, but we make similar mistakes all the time. Every time I work with a client to help them figure out their best content, they fall back on the same numbers–which content led to conversion. So, they know to throw out the Thank You page and the shopping cart page, but when they look at the list, guess which pages show up? The best-selling products. OK, but is that because the products are better or the content is better? We don’t know.

Even if we could tease that apart, it’s still unsatisfying, because the reason you want to identify the best content is to make more of it. But how helpful do you think it is to point at a successful page and tell your content writers, “Make more like this one.” One writer slowly raises her hand and quickly asks, “Like that page in what way, exactly?'” At that point you give them all a blank look and start to drool just a little.

You don’t know. You have no idea. You might know that it worked, but you don’t know why. How can you answer this reasonable question? Enter artificial intelligence.

You need one AI technique to tear apart the page–text analytics. You need data analytics to identify which pages have the best outcomes (conversion rates, inbound links, social shares–whatever you think identifies success). You need machine learning to suss out which characteristics seem to be shared by pages that are successful.

Now you can answer the writer’s question because you know exactly in what way the should design the new pages. You know whether pages with bullets work better than ones with streams of text. You know how many images are too many. You know if using brand names at the top of the funnel is a turn off.

You know a lot. And the more pages you look at, and the more characteristics of those pages you look at, and the more activity on your website, the more you learn. Artificial intelligence isn’t the future. It’s now. It isn’t magical–it’s very practical. If you are not doing it, maybe the competitor is answering questions that cause you to drool.

 

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Best Practices Management Marketing Skills Women In Business

Persistence — in Negotiations

Sunday Message of Hope

“Persistence”

How focused and persistent are you about being successful in your life?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…. “Da-ad….” “What? “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Daaaaad..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later..

“Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

That story highlights the persistence the little boy had for reaching his goal of getting a glass of water. It also highlights the consequences he was willing to endure (spanking) to get the glass of water. What are you willing to endure?

I suggest, if you’re willing to persevere and apply the degree of dedication that’s needed to succeed, along with applying the correct knowledge to do so, you can achieve almost any goal you set your mind upon. Your success really is up to you. Be it in a negotiation (you’re always negotiating) or other aspects of life, commit to the action needed to reach your goals, no matter what that goal may be. If a goal is worth the outcome, it’s worth the effort required to reach it. If you’re persistent and follow your commitment with action, you’ll be better for it no matter where you end up, because you will have gained insight about your abilities to move towards a goal … and everything will be right with the world.

Remember, you’re always negotiating!  

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Management Marketing Personal Development

Are Clever Marketing Methods Killing Your Brand?

 

Marketing budgets are increasing as more pressure builds on organizations to raise awareness of their brands and stand out from their competitors with clever advertising, sponsorship and digital media. This is happening at a time when customers and clients are demanding a higher level of customer experience, trust, respect and a touch of ‘personality’ to the brands they deal with and buy into. However, on the other hand, our research at Walking TALL has found that there is a general increase in corporate bad manners within organizations and a slide towards the other extreme to that of apathy and often scripted, unauthentic & insincere communication.

In addition, communication turn-around and response times are getting longer, and call waiting times extended in the ever-increasing call centre systems we all so frequently have to endure.  In turn this can create a significant roadblock between your customers and your brand, and the business success you strive for, need and indeed work hard to achieve.

It’s not difficult to see the obvious and dangerous void opening up here.

In fact this phenomenon is creating a sinkhole that is devouring client loyalty and great customer experience, potentially losing your company $millions in brand investment. The level of loss cannot easily be measured however it’s not difficult to visualize the impact to the brand when you consider as a customer how you feel and how you subsequently talk about that brand to your friends and colleagues when the experience you have with an employee of that company is negative.

Let me explain further – with the sophisticated marketing methods that are available to us as businesses today and the trend of brand focus on values and themes such as integrity, trust, caring, green, social responsibility, innovation and family-orientated to name but a few, teamed with the increasing brand reach, customers and all stakeholders have forgivably high expectations of the experience they will get from their interactions with your company. They expect to receive that level of care and interest in them that is so heavily advertised, therefore when it’s not there, there is a very high height to fall from, that in turn damages your brand.

This sinkhole is going to expand if organizations don’t wake up to the critical need to provide the employees with the behavioral training required to ensure that they interpret and internalize for themselves the meaning behind the values you have created. There is a need for a deeper appreciation of your corporate messaging on a level that employees can relate to, than perhaps you have undertaken already. Unless your people can understand the values, and live and breathe them every day, authentically, then you are wasting your corporate brand investment. Ultimately therefore, your increasing marketing budgets will kill your brand, due to the apparent falseness of your brand claims when a customer experiences your brand for themselves.

This goes for the leadership team also – the true personality of the corporate brand can be heavily influenced by the culture in part created by your senior team and executive. This includes their behaviors, external brand image and visibility & profile.

Typically Marketing and Brand Directors are not as focussed on people behaviors and the impact they have on the brand as they should be. This tends to be the responsibility of the HR and/or Learning & Development departments with little interaction with marketing. However, in order to reach the true marketing and brand objectives, would it not make sense to integrate people behaviors into any brand strategy at an early stage?

We are at a point in our business environment, where we need to re-align the corporate culture with that demanded by our clients and customers, if we are to stand out, create loyalty and get widely talked about for the right reasons.

It’s time to align people brand and behaviors with your corporate brand in a way that sticks.

Read more on this topic in Corporate Brand Personality by Lesley Everett, published Feb 2016

 

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Industries Leadership Marketing Personal Development

Good Tipper or Scrooge – What Are You?

 

Some people love to tip and others don’t. However, it appears that, nowadays, everyone is expecting a tip even if they are just serving you at the checkout!

When you see a tip jar by the cash register what do you think? To me, the tip jar says “I deserve a tip”. But it says quite a bit more, too, and none of it good about your Customer Experience.

When ordering at a cash register, we Brits tend to feel a tip is not necessary as we offer gratuity when waited on at a table. However, I also recognize that when I am in the states, tipping rules are different.

The tip jar is there nonetheless. Now, as a customer, I must decide. Tip now, even though it’s not a situation where I would perceive a tip to be necessary, or ignore it and risk appearing rude to the person making my taco/latte/sandwich.

Say I go ahead and tip. How much do I tip? The loose change I get back from the cashier? A couple of dollars?  20% of my entire check? What is customary for the tip jar next to the cash register?

Let’s say I do tip, but then have a terribly long wait getting my taco/latte/sandwich. Or it comes cold. Or wrong. Do I get to fish my tip back out of the jar?

The presence of a tip jar reflects poorly on the Customer Experience. Whether it’s feeling unsure if you should tip, experiencing guilt because you didn’t, wondering how much to tip or wishing you hadn’t tipped at all, these situations do not enhance the Customer Experience.

The Origins and Customs of Tipping

There is some dissension about where tipping originated. One argument is that it originated in 17th Century England taverns where customers would give their server extra money “to insure promptitude” or T.I.P. Wikipedia asserts it began when English houseguests left money for the host’s servants.

Wherever it started, it didn’t make it to the U.S. until after the Civil War. The Washington Post submits tipping began because employers hired freed slaves to serve food but didn’t want to pay them an hourly wage. Over time, tipping became the norm for several industries, from hotel workers, to delivery employees, and your favorite coffee baristas.

Tips and the amount of them is subject to the country and social customs thereof. In the States, tipping is customary, ranging from 10% to 20% in most cases. In the UK, it isn’t, or at least not with same amount of expectation, which is also true in many European countries.

It’s different because of the compensation workers receive in the different countries. Many employees in the U.S. make less than the federal minimum wage because their tips are meant to make up the difference. In many states, these employees might make little more than $2 an hour in employer-paid wages. In the UK, however, employers must pay employees the minimum wage, which ranges from £7.20 to £9.40 ($8.99 to $11.74 currently), depending on the city where the worker lives.

Because UK workers make the “living wage”, there is less tipping. While there are still situations where a tip is given in the UK, there is not the same culture for tipping there that exists in the states. There are numerous situations where tips are neither given nor expected.

What a Tip Jar Says about Your Brand

Entrepreneur detailed all the ways the tip jar hurts your brand. First and foremost, a tip jar says you don’t pay your employees enough. A tip jar also make your establishment look cheap, which is never a goal of a brand. Affordable? Yes. Cheap? No. To my point, Entrepreneur asserts that tip jars are also misplaced because customers are “asked” to tip before they receive the service. Moreover, it confuses people that lack a shared cultural background.

Co-author Professor Ryan Hamilton and I present a related concept in our latest book, The Intuitive Customer: 7 imperatives for moving your Customer Experience to the next level (Palgrave Macmillan, 2016). One of our imperatives is to “accept that apparently irrelevant aspects of your Customer Experience are sometimes the most important aspects.” To summarize, this concept addresses the fact that when things get ambiguous or difficult to evaluate, customers might use high-level impressions of a brand to judge their experience. Expectations play a big role in these evaluations, and these expectations are set by your brand promise.

When a tip jar is present, it also creates an expectation. If you don’t live up to the customers’ expectations, your brand suffers for it. For small businesses, these small things can add up to big problems.

They are everywhere these days. They have weaseled their way into the most unlikely of places, quite brazenly if you ask me.

Enough is enough, as they say. Well, I have had enough with the omnipresent tip jar at the register of various establishments. If you have one sitting there now in your business, you should have enough, too, because it’s not doing anything good for your Customer Experience.

If you liked this article, you might also enjoy these:

Revolutionary Thinking on Customer Loyalty

Astonishing BIG Gains from Little Changes!

Act Now to Turn Customer Pain Points into Pleasurable Profits

Colin Shaw is the founder and CEO of Beyond Philosophy, one of the world’s leading Customer experience consultancy & training organizations. Colin is an international author of five bestselling books and an engaging keynote speaker.

Follow Colin Shaw on Twitter @ColinShaw_CX

Sources:

Roth, Carol. “Small Businesses That Encourage Tipping Are Killing Their Brand.” www.entrepreneur.com. 16 January 2017 Web. 30 January 2017. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/287793.

“Service 101: A Brief History of Tipping.” www.foodwoolf.com. Web. 30 January 2017. < http://www.foodwoolf.com/2010/08/history-of-tipping.html>.

Ferdman, Roberto A. “I dare you to read this and still feel good about tipping.” www.washingtonpost.com. 18 February 2016.

Web. 30 January 2017. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/18/i-dare-you-to-read-this-and-still-feel-ok-about-tipping-in-the-united-states/?utm_term=.c4cc5b94ac1c

“Gratuity.” www.wikipedia.org. Web. 30 January 2017. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gratuity>.

“United Kingdom: Tipping & Etiquette.” www.tripadvisor.co.uk. Web. 30 January 2017. https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Travel-g186216-s606/United-Kingdom:Tipping.And.Etiquette.html. 

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Entrepreneurship Leadership Marketing Personal Development

Use Podcasting to Share Your Story

These days, you can’t run a successful business and be in a position of leadership without being connected to the online world. However, getting your business started online isn’t always easy. Just knowing where to start can be a challenge. It can be overwhelming and confusing, but you don’t have to do this alone. Podcasting is a great way to get your name out there and share your story, services, and even your products online. There are a lot of podcasts that cater to women in leadership and entrepreneurs. I know, this may sound a bit challenging for someone who’s not sure how to even get themselves started online, but don’t worry you’re in the right place. Here are 5 steps that will help you get booked on a podcast so you can share your story with listeners.

  • Identifying The Podcast That’s Right for You
    • The first thing you have to do is identify the podcast that will be right for you. Knowing which podcast is right for you is probably a lot simpler than you think. All you have to do is figure out what your demographic is. For example; If you are in a c-suite position, you should find a podcast that caters to people in high level positions like yours. If you’re an entrepreneur striving towards leadership and success, you’ll want to find a pod cast that focuses on entrepreneurs.
  • Make Sure You Do Research
    • After you have found a podcast that suits your agenda, make sure you do some research. Find out how many listeners the podcast has on average, listen to a few of the podcasts to make sure it’s a right fit, and make sure you are dealing with professionals. If you’re booked by a podcast that has unprofessional hosts with no experience, you will not be helping your business or cause at all. In fact, it can even do damage to your credibility.
    • You should also see what kind of topics the podcasts that you research covers. Up or Out with Connie is a podcast on the C-suite network that often covers topics surrounding both entrepreneurs and people that work in high level C-suit positions. It’s perfect for someone that is looking to go from C-Suite, to successful entrepreneur.
  • Devise A Plan
    • Before you can approach a podcast about sharing your story you’ll have to devise a plan. Think of what you would like to talk about on the podcast, and how you would like everything you say to come across to listeners. Figure out what your key points are as well. After you have done that, work on putting your plan on paper. You should also plan how you’re going to approach the podcast about sharing your story. Believe it or not, you may even be able to get some good advice about this listening to Up or Out with Connie. She’s all about lifting up women in leadership, and helping them to grow.
  • Reach Out
    • Now that you have done some research, devised a plan, and found the podcast that’s right for you, it’s time to reach out. Contact the podcast that you believe would be a good platform to tell your story. You can send them an e-mail or message with your plan attached. Remember, it’s not a marriage. You don’t have to stick to one podcast – so don’t get discouraged if someone turns you down. It’s always good to have a few prospects.
  • Crush It
    • Don’t underestimate the benefits of telling your story on the right podcast. If you don’t practice and don’t have everything together it can damage your bottom line. So make sure you study your plan, have some things memorized (especially your key points), and speak clearly. Don’t be shy either. If you show up with confidence it will show strong leadership skills, and you are guaranteed to get your point across to their listeners.

 

Be Unstoppable Together!

 

Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post? Want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at connie@pheiffgroup.com or CLICK HERE to schedule a 20-minute discovery call to discuss with you personally.

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Best Practices Health and Wellness Human Resources Management Marketing Skills Women In Business

How to Avoid Conflict – Part 1

At some point or other, we all have to have important conversations that have the potential to get ugly and uncomfortable. When in doubt, I say do your best to avoid the conflict.

I’m not talking about avoiding people in the hallways, refusing to answer the phone or saying “yes” to everyone – whether or not you mean it – so that you don’t have to say “no.”

There will always be disagreements and necessary discussions about difficult or unpleasant topics. But these conversations do not need to degenerate into round after round of browbeating to try to get your point across.

Ideally, the goal is to address the issue in a way that gets to the heart of the matter, and reaches a mutually agreeable resolution quickly and efficiently without raising voices or blood pressure. There is one intuitive – and yet commonly overlooked – key that can keep most disagreements in the realm of civil, productive discussion.

The key is consciously listening to understand. This is where most people fall woefully short in both their efforts and their outcomes. Listening to understand is critical to avoiding real argument for one crucial reason: most people continue to argue a point because they feel like they have not truly been heard or understood.

Most people think that they listen, but the short answer is that they don’t do it right. Let’s look at the difference and key strategies for listening in a way that gets to a peaceful, positive, and productive result.

 

Listening “wrong”

In disagreements, most people “listen” in order to find an opportunity to interrupt, contradict, or defend. This isn’t sincere listening; it’s more like scanning the horizon for the best time to retaliate.

When both parties are simultaneously focused proving why they are correct and the other is wrong, what they are both (rightfully) saying is, “You’re not listening to me!”

This quickly leads to an impasse with one of two outcomes: The first is that both sides leave feeling frustrated, with no resolution to the issue at hand. In the second, one side “wins” by forcing the other side to concede, i.e. lose. This leaves the winner with a bitter-sweet “victory,” and the loser feeling resentful, a combination that will have a variety of negative repercussions down the line in the form of morale, work quality, and office politics just to name a few.

The irony is that when people are able to voice their concerns, and truly feel like they have been heard and understood, they are often willing to accept “no” for an answer. So how does that work?

 

Listening “right”

When you listen to understand, you start by erasing any presuppositions and assumptions that you already know what they’re going to say and why. Instead, you enter the conversation from the perspective that there’s a missing piece, something you don’t yet know or understand about their position, priorities, interests or concerns. Be curious.

Invite the other person to share first. A good strategy is to take notes as you listen, which serves several purposes. First, you can record any key points so that you don’t forget them, which serves as a good future reference resource.

Second, you can jot down any questions or other thoughts you want to share. Don’t get me wrong – the idea is not to list all the points you disagree on just so you can launch into a point-counterpoint debate when it’s your turn to speak. That feels litigious, not collaborative or respectful.

Writing down your ideas as you listen has a variety of benefits. First and foremost, it keeps you from interrupting. When people aren’t interrupted, they feel more respected and less stressed or frustrated, which helps to keep the peace. But it also gives you a chance to reflect and organize your thoughts before you do finally speak, which can streamline the process, avoid clumsy and emotionally-charged knee-jerk responses, and help you prioritize issues to address.

 

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In part 2 we’ll address Talking from Listening: once you’ve heard them out, what do you say to keep things moving in the right direction?

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

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Best Practices Health and Wellness Human Resources Management Marketing Skills Women In Business

How to Avoid Conflict – Part 2

In my previous blog, we looked at the difference between “Listening Wrong” and “Listening Right” as a part of “Listening to Understand,” a fundamental principle in laying the ground work to have a potentially difficult conversation in a way that is constructive rather than combative.

Now, let’s look at strategies for when it’s your turn to talk, after you have successfully demonstrated listening to understand. 

Once the other person has finished sharing their perspective, don’t sabotage the exchange by launching into a “now it’s my turn to talk and your turn to listen” monologue. Remember that you entered the conversation with the initial goal of understanding their perspective. So the first step you need to take in line with this goal is to confirm your understanding.

A great segue can be as simple as, “Thanks for taking the time to explain that to me. I want to make sure I understand the key issues. Can I run through my main takeaways based on what I heard, and you can correct me if I’m off somehow?” Who would say no to such a request?

Once you have the go-ahead, start by paraphrasing your understanding of their key points. You should use simple, reporting language such as, “You said that your budget _____,” or “Did I understand correctly that in your department _____,” or “Your primary concern is that _____, right?” Whatever you do, do not comment on anything yet.

This step also serves multiple purposes with mutual benefits. From the other person’s side, they are happy to know that you are valuing their input enough to take time to ensure that you understood it. Plus, it is reassuring for them to have you confirm that whatever they said was received as it was intended. This builds trust and facilitates further discussion.

More importantly, paraphrasing this way ensures that you actually did understand all of their key points. Misunderstandings could be due to missing or improperly stated information in their initial explanation, or perhaps you were writing something down and didn’t catch something else they said at the time.

Regardless of the cause, once you have had a chance to confirm the facts, then everyone is satisfied that all key information is on the table, and, most importantly, they feel relieved to know that they have been heard and understood.

From there, you can transition into sharing your side of the story with something like, “Okay, well, let’s start with _____.” It’s important to keep your language objective, and if you feel like their view on something is incorrect, keep your explanation fact-based, calm and impersonal. There’s a big difference between saying, “There are a few details I don’t think your team is aware of,” and, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

If the other person does not play by the same rules and interrupts you when it’s your turn, you can explicitly draw their attention to the contrast and make a respectful request: “I’m sure you’ll have some comments and questions, which I welcome, but I listened to you without interrupting, and would appreciate the same courtesy in return.” You can offer them some paper to take notes on while they listen, for their own benefit, and ask them to paraphrase what they understood when you’re done, so they can follow your model more completely as well.

At best, once you have heard each other out, and truly sought to understand each other’s objectives and reasons, you can come to a solution that meets everyone’s needs. But at the very least, if the answer still has to be “no,” there is still potential for positive outcome.

At that point, “no” can sound more like, “I truly appreciate the fact that/your concern about ___. For now, we have to prioritize _____ because of _____, but I understand the impact that it will have on your situation, so…”

Even though the other person might not be happy with the immediate result, it’s much easier for them to accept the outcome because they understand why, and are emotionally satisfied that they have been respected as a person and a professional.

In the end, difficult topics are addressed productively without fighting and casualties of war, and respectful relationships are not only maintained but strengthened. You’re not avoiding the issue, you’re avoiding creating a mess.

More importantly, you’re leading by example, and fostering a healthy culture of open communication, transparency, and mutual respect.

That’s the difference between someone who has a leadership position, and someone who is a leader.

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

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