Category: Leadership

Vulnerability is being touted as the new bargaining advantage. While there is some merit to that perspective, I thought it was worth a few moments to explore the good, the bad and the ugly of various versions we’re seeing with this phenomenon.

Traditional models of negotiation had us holding our cards close to our chest and being careful not to give away too much. Heaven forbid we disclosed our true heart’s desire in our hard-boiled negotiation style. There was much posturing, diversion tactics and smoke screens to obfuscate the real end goal.

I probably used to be guilty of this approach to some degree myself as it was our conditioned response. I’m no longer a fan of this approach. In my experience, when both parties create the space for honest, open communications it allows for more creative solutions that better meet the needs of all parties.

Getting curious allows us to peek behind the curtain to ascertain the unstated needs really driving the discussion. Bringing empathy to the table, seeking to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party wherever possible will get better outcomes.

Taking this new approach and allowing openness requires a certain level of vulnerability. And this is a good thing. It allows for humanity in the discussion. It triggers reciprocity, thereby triggering a chain of collaborative thinking that typically leads to better results and less positional bargaining.

It can also be beneficial for the other party as it feeds our human need to be altruistic, evoking their empathy and allowing them to step up as a better version of themselves. This in turn feeds the ego.

Having said that, vulnerability is not the same thing as victimhood. There seems to be some confusion about that distinction these days as we see increasing celebrations of victimhood which serve no one.

I knew this trend had hit critical mass when I attended a Union convention a few years back. Virtually every single candidate running for position shared some personal intimate trauma or experience and cried at the mic when it was their turn to speak about their platform. These are the same trade unionists who a few years prior were still beating their chests, banging the table and storming out of negotiation rooms. Somewhere along the path to exploring their vulnerable side, they missed the middle ground.

And this is not a surprise when we consider the modelling we’re seeing in recent years. Most mega-influencers have mastered the craft of crying on demand. In fact, some story-telling and speaking coaches seem to suggest that a signature talk is not complete unless you muster up a tear or two at relevant points in the delivery. Heck, even Tony Robbins has apparently decided that crying is in vogue.

Personally, I’m not a fan of staged crying for impact. I believe vulnerability is key when it’s authentic. It’s a powerful tool in bargaining and in life generally. However, honesty, authenticity and integrity are also key. The two need to be balanced.

Powerful negotiation is based on relationship. Strong relationships need to be based on a bedrock of trust. This trust is fundamentally eroded when it’s based on a lie. So, by all means be open. Be honest. Be yourself. Build rapport. Bring empathy. Be flexible. Tap in to your intuition.

Share your real needs and seek to determine the underlying needs of the other party. But do not create artificial drama as a means to build unmerited sympathy. This crosses from vulnerability to manipulation.

Authentic vulnerability can build trust whereas manufactured versions break it. As you explore your vulnerability and tap into the inherent goodness to be mined in doing so, I invite you to consider its flavour and to avoid the bad and ugly versions we’re seeing modelled today.

Negotiating from a place of calm will get you better outcomes, better relationships, and better buy-in. Yet we rarely invest the time to ensure that we achieve this state in advance of our negotiations. This is a mistake. Our first and most important negotiation is negotiating our own mindset and familiarizing ourselves with techniques to show up from a place of calm is a key part of that process.

Last week, after interviewing Dr. Annie White (author of The Calm Code: Transform Your Mind, Change Your Life) on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast, I kick-started this series on how to negotiate from a place of calm, sharing a special visualization technique advocated by Dr. White that allows you to start retraining your neural pathways to find the calm.

As promised, this week I’m sharing three additional simple ways you can start to calm your nervous system on the spot to have those new messages imprint more deeply.

I  Create a photo album

We’re human. We sometimes get in a state, considering worst-case scenarios. This is not a strong place from which to negotiate. So, if you find yourself in one of these negative states in a negotiation (or leading up to the negotiation), in that moment, forget about the negotiation.

Instead, make an album of pictures in your mind that make you feel calm, happy (or any positive emotion). In fact, ideally, I invite you to create an actual album of these photos on your phone right now. You can choose animal photos, beach photos, sunsets … whatever takes you to a calm place.

Then, next time you’re in this tizzy about anything, bring out your personal feel-good photo album, set your timer, and go through it for three minutes. In that way you start to train and strengthen these pathways in your mind, so that, over time, they become stronger. Then you won’t just default to the negative or the stress anymore.

II  Breathe Through Your Left Nostril

If you’re in a stressful moment (i.e., if you feel your breaths becoming shorter, more shallow, quicker, closer together, you’re going into stress response), put your left hand on your chest and say to yourself, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Then take that left hand and move it down to your lower belly. As you breathe in, feel your lower belly extend out toward the opposite wall, as you continue to say, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.”

And the secret weapon to this process, according to Dr. White, is to then take your right index finger, cover your right nostril, breathe in and out only through your left nostril. As you breathe deeply, keep saying, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Scientific studies show that breathing in and out only through the left nostril activates your calm or parasympathetic nervous system and it calms you down faster. Who knew?!

III  Ground Yourself

Before you go into a negotiation, imagine a big gold ball at the bottom of your spine. Then, pull all the emotions you want to feel at the end of the negotiation (as discussed in last week’s article) into that gold ball.

Imagine that gold ball turning into a gold rope that goes all the way down into the center of the earth, and all of those emotions go down that cord into that spot in the earth’s center where mother earth is surrounding them with her beautiful hands in support.

Also ask yourself who do you want to show up as in the negotiation. What emotions do you want to carry into the conversation? Do you want to bring love? Understanding? Support? Add these positive emotions into that grounding cord to be a touchstone for you.

If you start to feel off-center during the negotiation, or like things are getting out of your control, you can quickly visualize this grounded golden ball for a few seconds to regain your balance.

Confidence is key in negotiations. Nervousness and anxiety detract from confidence. Practicing these simple tips will help to calm and ground you so you can show up with more confidence in your negotiations and get better outcomes as a result. And not only do they make you feel better in the moment, but they also strengthen those part of your mind every time you use it by creating new, more positive, neural pathways that better serve you.

How to Negotiate From a Place of Calm Part 1

Have you ever negotiated when you were agitated or off your game? How did that work out for you? If you’re like most people, it didn’t end well. How you show up for a negotiation will profoundly impact on the outcomes you’re able to get. The more intentional you can get about creating a sense of calm as you enter a negotiation, the more you’ll get best results.

Recently, I interviewed Dr. Annie White, author of The Calm Code: Transform Your Mind, Change Your Life. I am a big believer that negotiating our mindset is our first and most important negotiation, so Dr. White’s message resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you.

This is the first in a 3-part series about some simple techniques you can use to approach your negotiations from a place of calm.

Most people think negotiation is simply about the give and take between the people in the conversation. In fact, it starts well before that ever takes place.

Visualization

Dr. White advocates starting with a visualization technique. However, she distinguishes between visualizing the outcome you want versus visualizing the emotions you want to feel as a result of it. Target the emotions first. How do you want to feel after that negotiation? Do you want to feel successful and proud? Ground yourself in those emotions.

Be sure to visualize feeling good about what the other person is getting, too. It’s not just about what we’re getting out of a negotiation. We’re helping to negotiate something for them that’s going to improve their business or their life. Be excited about the prospects for them.

Take these emotions and imagine a situation where this negotiation is going to take place. Is it going to be over the phone, zoom or in person? Toss in as many sensory details as you can to get your subconscious into the moment of the conversation.

Then imagine the conversation in as much detail as possible. As you’re thinking about the conversation, make sure it ignites the excitement, pride, and other feelings you wanted to feel. Emphasize those benefits.

At the end, do a triple thanks and affirmation. i.e. “Thank you, thank you, thank you that they loved the deal and I’m excited about how it turned out.”

Visualization is one of the techniques you can use to physically train your mind to be calmer and happier. Yes, I said train your brain. Many people believe that we’re stuck with our old conditioning and patterns. Science has established that we can actually reroute the neural pathways in our brains.

Think of it like an air traffic controller. If you’re in charge of routing all the planes with a major airline carrier, you need to make sure all the passengers get where they need to go on the planes that are taking them there. You design the flight paths and their connections.

Now think of the passengers as your thoughts, and the flight paths and connections as the neural pathways and the synapses, which are the connections between them. Instead of booking them all to Stressville, why not book them to Calm Town? Simply make more paths and connections to Calm Town and disintegrate the pathways and connections to Stressville. Every single thought, action, and emotion strengthens or wires your mind along these corresponding pathways in your brain.

Be prepared for some pushback reflex as you create these new connections. But as you train your mind to be more calm and happy than stressed and negative, your thoughts will more easily go to the positives instead of the negatives.

Join us next week as we explore two further simple methods to help you hold the calm when you negotiate so you can get better outcomes.

Who is in the proverbial driver’s seat in today’s world of salary negotiations? Experts can’t seem to agree on who holds the balance of power in the wake of COVID. Everyone was talking about the Great Resignation and the new leverage this gave employees negotiating compensation packages. Then, as quickly as we settled into that purported new reality, talk of a major recession had employers tightening their belts. Some thought that gave clout back to employers, while others thought it made it tougher to attract and retain top talent.

What if, instead of approaching these negotiations as a power dynamic where one party holds power over the other, you approached it as a collaborative process, seeking to find maximum power together? This collaborative versus competitive approach lies at the heart of The Art of Feminine Negotiation™. When you seek to understand and meet the needs of your employees, ironically, you’ll get more of what you want.

The world has changed. Employers who want to thrive (and not just survive) need to look at new ways of doing things. Think of the Great Resignation as the Great Reset – a golden opportunity.

Get curious about what employees want and need. Invite open dialogue and allow the space for meaningful input. Be open to accept honest, hard-hitting feedback about the corporate culture and where the organization may be falling down. Welcome constructive feedback about what’s missing. Reward it.

Employees are seeking greater flexibility these days (in terms of hours of work, working from home, range of duties, etc.) They want wellness initiatives in the workplace and greater work-life harmony.

Progressive employers recognize the need to create an inclusive culture, where everyone sees themselves as a valuable part of the larger mission. They encourage a team approach. Employees are increasingly driven by a desire for purpose. Having employees operate in individual silos (both in terms of duties and information) undermines feelings of belonging and accordingly sabotages long-term loyalty.

By contrast, creating a purpose-driven approach to the work of the organization builds a beautiful symbiosis that advantages both the employer and its employees. Smart employers build an eco-system that is finely tuned to move toward the highest good for the organization and the individuals who make up the workforce. Be clear about the organization’s mission. Inspire a sense of purpose for all positions and be clear how each person and position fits in the big picture. In that way, employees will have a sense of being part of the bigger vision (which creates incentive and motivation).

The key, as an employer, is setting employees up for success. Ensure clarity of expectations and corresponding rewards. When it comes to negotiating compensation, have clarity around the process. This should not be a guessing game where employees are shooting at targets while blindfolded, or where the targets are constantly moving. Lack of clarity creates frustration, feelings of lack of appreciation, and/or feelings of ‘not enoughness’ – none of which foster peak performance. Employees should know what targets are expected so they can strive to meet them, knowing there will be appropriate rewards at the end of the rainbow.

Creating transparency, accountability, and authenticity in the negotiation process should be the goal. Too often employers insist on secrecy around salary negotiations and encourage scarcity mindsets. While the rationale (trying to drive compensation packages down) is understandable, this approach is a mistake in the long run.

Rather than hiding compensation ranges and creating mistrust, competition, and resentment (as between employees and employer and as between employees), having transparent disparity in wages can work to everyone’s benefit. If higher compensation rewards are explained and employees see the possibility to shoot for more and can see the path to get there, motivation and incentive are increased (and productivity along with it).

Explain the full range of compensation options available. Most people focus on salary in negotiations. There is a world of possibility beyond simple salary. Consider titles, training opportunities (internal and external), profit-sharing, vacation, travel, allowances, and more.

Think outside the box. Find out what’s important to your employees. There may be valuable win-win options beyond straight salary. There may be greater rewards by lifting the shroud around salary discussions and opening up the negotiation process.

We’re hearing a lot of talk about toxic masculinity in recent years. Not surprisingly, it’s triggering a push-back reflex and causing some polarization on an issue where we need consensus. Second Gentleman Emhoff’s recent interview on MSNBC raised an interesting angle that isn’t being talked about … but should be if we want to heal the division and move toward a better future.

When the Second Gentleman was asked about masculinity, he responded by referencing ‘masculine toxicity’. It struck me that he didn’t say ‘toxic masculinity’ but rather ‘masculine toxicity’. It was an interesting language choice that got me thinking. Many would think it’s a distinction without a difference. I’m not even sure if Emhoff used the term intentionally. But for me, it was an important distinction.

When we speak of toxic masculinity, we’re using toxic as an adjective describing masculinity. It frames masculinity itself as the problem. By contrast, referring to the issue as masculine toxicity, clearly identifies toxicity as the problem. It’s not masculinity that is toxic. The toxicity is the problem. This is just one manifestation of toxicity … masculine is merely the adjective in this framing. There could equally be feminine toxicity, or geriatric toxicity, or corporate toxicity … you get the idea.

This is a subtle but profound shift. One that avoids finger-pointing and blaming. One that leaves space for less defensive reactions to the discussion. One that allows for thoughtful consideration of the impact of unconscious gender bias on men.

We’re in a period of transition with respect to perceived gender roles. Confusion is to be expected. A certain amount of pushback is to be expected.

Unconscious gender bias is a deeply conditioned undercurrent that impacts all our relationships. We often forget that it works both ways. Engrained biases exist not only against women, but also vis-a-vis men. Expectations around gender roles and perceived gender traits can pigeon-hole and victimize men as well as women.

Studies show that when young boys are shown a box labelled the ‘man box’ and asked what traits or qualities belong inside the man box versus outside, old stereotypes still show up. The boys consistently volunteer that ‘strong’, ‘brave’ and ‘don’t cry’ belong in the man box, whereas ‘gentle’ and ‘caring’ belong outside the box.

When you layer on generational conditioning and expectations that a man is to be the provider and protector, to be tough, to not show emotions or vulnerability, to portray anti-femininity, to seek & hold power, it’s not surprising that toxicity creeps in.

Further exacerbating the problem, based on this conditioning, myths evolve that set broader-based societal norms. It’s no surprise that we’ve come to define success based on a competitive, winner-take-all, domination model where toughness carries the day. Or that we’ve come to confuse assertive with aggressive. Or that we seek to exert power over others versus power with others.

The problem is still further exacerbated as women assume ‘power roles’, causing men operating under these biases to feel diminished and/or weak. Speaking from personal experience, when we moved up north unexpectedly, I needed to travel back and forth to the city to maintain my law firm. My husband stayed home with the kids during the transition. He was enjoying it until his friends started calling him ‘Mr. Mom’ and worse monikers that I can’t repeat here. It profoundly affected his sense of self.

We need to break through these gender expectations and biases. They don’t serve anyone. They’re unhealthy from both a mental health and societal perspective.

It was in part a recognition of the ongoing detrimental impact of these unconscious gender biases that served as the impetus for my Art of Feminine Negotiation book. I hope to help create a new paradigm, where we approach life from a place of collaboration over competition. Where we let go of ego and instead get curious, seeking to truly understand and meet the needs of others, even (and especially) when we disagree.

I sought to flip the script, to invite both men and women (and all the spaces in between) to recognize that we all have both masculine and feminine energies and to reframe their feminine as signs of strength rather than a liability. When we define success based on an almost exclusively masculine, competitive model, it’s not surprising that both men and women stifle their feminine, believing that’s the only path to succeed.

Ironically, when we invoke so-called feminine traits in negotiating our paths to success, we secure better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements, and more creative solutions. I sought to invite everyone to lean in to their feminine to bring our masculine and feminine energy back into balance … and in so doing, to bring the world back into balance.

Perhaps in so doing, we can open the space for more meaningful and productive dialogue. In focusing on the toxicity (rather than masculinity) we can avoid the blaming and shaming, and with it the pushback. If we neutralize the trigger, we can avoid an ‘us and them’ approach, bringing instead the openness and vulnerability to elevate the discussion and take an important step toward banishing gender bias in all its forms.

I’ve recently done several posts on negotiation lessons we can learn from popular T.V. shows. It’s a fun way to use real life scenarios as portrayed in our media to explore negotiation concepts (rather than a dry didactic lecture format). It’s also a great way to raise our awareness about the opportunities to learn and grow that abound in our everyday lives. We can use entertainment as a learning tool when we bring intention to the exercise.

I was watching one of my favourite comedies last night and was excited to see an episode that reinforced the principles I espouse in The Art of Feminine Negotiation™. If you’re not familiar with Modern Family, aside from the regular negotiation issues addressed, it’s a fabulous show reflecting modern dysfunctional family life.

In this episode, Phil (the happy-go-lucky son-in-law) has worked hard to negotiate a deal to buy a car for his eldest daughter for her 21st birthday. The patriarch (whose approval Phil is always seeking) prides himself on his negotiation prowess, and on his take-no-prisoners approach. He decides to tag along to show-off his skills and get a better deal than Phil had negotiated, chiding Phil for his ‘nice guy’ approach to deals.

It’s the classic illustration of the traditional competitive model that we’ve been conditioned to define as success versus the more collaborative style that I advocate (and that lies at the heart of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™).

Jay (the patriarch father-in-law) starts denigrating the deal Phil had negotiated and throwing out demands for further concessions. When the salesperson insists that Phil negotiated the best deal possible, Jay pushes back, insisting that there’s ‘wiggle room’ and trying to bully the salesperson into throwing more into the mix. In the face of insistence that the deal represents the bare bones bottom line, Jay insists he go to the manager. When the manager similarly refuses to budge, Jay insists they walk out, assuring Phil the sales rep will come running after them with further concessions … which doesn’t happen.

Jay then insists on going to another dealership, where they advise that the deal Phil had negotiated is unbeatable. Jay threatens to walk out, assuming the new dealer will buckle with a better offer. They don’t.

Jay then has to go back to the original dealership, cap in hand, trying to get the original deal back on the table. He comes back out, bragging that he got an even better deal with numerous perks through his tough negotiation strategies.

Turns out though that Jay couldn’t even get the original deal back on the table after walking away and ended up paying significantly more (which Phil only finds out from the frustrated sales rep).

There are several negotiating issues this scenario raises.

1. Phil’s more cooperative approach, building rapport and trust, allowed the space to get the best deal possible whereas the traditional competitive approach caused a stalemate with worse outcomes.

2. Jay’s competitive approach had him wanting to ‘win’ at all costs. He kept insisting on a ‘better deal’ and on getting ‘more’ but he didn’t have clarity about what that meant. It’s important to have clarity about the outcomes you seek in a negotiation.

3. While it’s valuable to set high aspiration levels coming into a negotiation (as Jay did), it’s important to do the homework and prepare first to know what a reasonable reservation price (bottom line) is.

4. Tied to reservation price, you need to know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) before you decide to play hardball and walk away from a deal that made sense for you.

5. Jay bullied for more without having done the work to determine where the ZOPO (zone of potential agreement) lay.

6. Ego is usually the kiss of death in negotiations. Jay’s ego trumped his ability to negotiate effectively. When you find your ego kicking in while negotiating, turn your attention to the other party and their needs.

7. It’s important to consider the needs of the other party in a negotiation. Jay never invoked curiosity. He failed to bring any empathy to the table. He didn’t ask a single question or make any effort to determine the needs of the dealership. This typically causes deals to fall apart or creates flawed outcomes.

8. While walking away from a deal can sometimes be effective, it’s critical to have done your homework first, and to consider whether you’ve become too attached to a particular item and lost the perspective to effectively consider whether the deal makes sense. In this case, Jay was so attached to the need to get ‘more’ he failed to review the benefits of the actual deal on the table.

In addition to these valuable lessons, it’s interesting to note the relationship negotiation that was occurring as a subtext to the main story line. We often fail to consider our personal relationships as requiring negotiations. All of life is a negotiation and our interactions with the people in our inner circle are no exception.

Phil surrounded all his leverage in this case, blindly handing over the reins to Jay in his desire to please him. I invite you to consider where you may be surrendering your power in your personal relationships. As in this case, a little self-advocacy and awareness of the underlying negotiation at play can allow for better outcomes and better relationships.