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How to Avoid Conflict – Part 1

At some point or other, we all have to have important conversations that have the potential to get ugly and uncomfortable. When in doubt, I say do your best to avoid the conflict.

I’m not talking about avoiding people in the hallways, refusing to answer the phone or saying “yes” to everyone – whether or not you mean it – so that you don’t have to say “no.”

There will always be disagreements and necessary discussions about difficult or unpleasant topics. But these conversations do not need to degenerate into round after round of browbeating to try to get your point across.

Ideally, the goal is to address the issue in a way that gets to the heart of the matter, and reaches a mutually agreeable resolution quickly and efficiently without raising voices or blood pressure. There is one intuitive – and yet commonly overlooked – key that can keep most disagreements in the realm of civil, productive discussion.

The key is consciously listening to understand. This is where most people fall woefully short in both their efforts and their outcomes. Listening to understand is critical to avoiding real argument for one crucial reason: most people continue to argue a point because they feel like they have not truly been heard or understood.

Most people think that they listen, but the short answer is that they don’t do it right. Let’s look at the difference and key strategies for listening in a way that gets to a peaceful, positive, and productive result.

 

Listening “wrong”

In disagreements, most people “listen” in order to find an opportunity to interrupt, contradict, or defend. This isn’t sincere listening; it’s more like scanning the horizon for the best time to retaliate.

When both parties are simultaneously focused proving why they are correct and the other is wrong, what they are both (rightfully) saying is, “You’re not listening to me!”

This quickly leads to an impasse with one of two outcomes: The first is that both sides leave feeling frustrated, with no resolution to the issue at hand. In the second, one side “wins” by forcing the other side to concede, i.e. lose. This leaves the winner with a bitter-sweet “victory,” and the loser feeling resentful, a combination that will have a variety of negative repercussions down the line in the form of morale, work quality, and office politics just to name a few.

The irony is that when people are able to voice their concerns, and truly feel like they have been heard and understood, they are often willing to accept “no” for an answer. So how does that work?

 

Listening “right”

When you listen to understand, you start by erasing any presuppositions and assumptions that you already know what they’re going to say and why. Instead, you enter the conversation from the perspective that there’s a missing piece, something you don’t yet know or understand about their position, priorities, interests or concerns. Be curious.

Invite the other person to share first. A good strategy is to take notes as you listen, which serves several purposes. First, you can record any key points so that you don’t forget them, which serves as a good future reference resource.

Second, you can jot down any questions or other thoughts you want to share. Don’t get me wrong – the idea is not to list all the points you disagree on just so you can launch into a point-counterpoint debate when it’s your turn to speak. That feels litigious, not collaborative or respectful.

Writing down your ideas as you listen has a variety of benefits. First and foremost, it keeps you from interrupting. When people aren’t interrupted, they feel more respected and less stressed or frustrated, which helps to keep the peace. But it also gives you a chance to reflect and organize your thoughts before you do finally speak, which can streamline the process, avoid clumsy and emotionally-charged knee-jerk responses, and help you prioritize issues to address.

 

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In part 2 we’ll address Talking from Listening: once you’ve heard them out, what do you say to keep things moving in the right direction?

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

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Best Practices Health and Wellness Human Resources Management Marketing Skills Women In Business

How to Avoid Conflict – Part 2

In my previous blog, we looked at the difference between “Listening Wrong” and “Listening Right” as a part of “Listening to Understand,” a fundamental principle in laying the ground work to have a potentially difficult conversation in a way that is constructive rather than combative.

Now, let’s look at strategies for when it’s your turn to talk, after you have successfully demonstrated listening to understand. 

Once the other person has finished sharing their perspective, don’t sabotage the exchange by launching into a “now it’s my turn to talk and your turn to listen” monologue. Remember that you entered the conversation with the initial goal of understanding their perspective. So the first step you need to take in line with this goal is to confirm your understanding.

A great segue can be as simple as, “Thanks for taking the time to explain that to me. I want to make sure I understand the key issues. Can I run through my main takeaways based on what I heard, and you can correct me if I’m off somehow?” Who would say no to such a request?

Once you have the go-ahead, start by paraphrasing your understanding of their key points. You should use simple, reporting language such as, “You said that your budget _____,” or “Did I understand correctly that in your department _____,” or “Your primary concern is that _____, right?” Whatever you do, do not comment on anything yet.

This step also serves multiple purposes with mutual benefits. From the other person’s side, they are happy to know that you are valuing their input enough to take time to ensure that you understood it. Plus, it is reassuring for them to have you confirm that whatever they said was received as it was intended. This builds trust and facilitates further discussion.

More importantly, paraphrasing this way ensures that you actually did understand all of their key points. Misunderstandings could be due to missing or improperly stated information in their initial explanation, or perhaps you were writing something down and didn’t catch something else they said at the time.

Regardless of the cause, once you have had a chance to confirm the facts, then everyone is satisfied that all key information is on the table, and, most importantly, they feel relieved to know that they have been heard and understood.

From there, you can transition into sharing your side of the story with something like, “Okay, well, let’s start with _____.” It’s important to keep your language objective, and if you feel like their view on something is incorrect, keep your explanation fact-based, calm and impersonal. There’s a big difference between saying, “There are a few details I don’t think your team is aware of,” and, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

If the other person does not play by the same rules and interrupts you when it’s your turn, you can explicitly draw their attention to the contrast and make a respectful request: “I’m sure you’ll have some comments and questions, which I welcome, but I listened to you without interrupting, and would appreciate the same courtesy in return.” You can offer them some paper to take notes on while they listen, for their own benefit, and ask them to paraphrase what they understood when you’re done, so they can follow your model more completely as well.

At best, once you have heard each other out, and truly sought to understand each other’s objectives and reasons, you can come to a solution that meets everyone’s needs. But at the very least, if the answer still has to be “no,” there is still potential for positive outcome.

At that point, “no” can sound more like, “I truly appreciate the fact that/your concern about ___. For now, we have to prioritize _____ because of _____, but I understand the impact that it will have on your situation, so…”

Even though the other person might not be happy with the immediate result, it’s much easier for them to accept the outcome because they understand why, and are emotionally satisfied that they have been respected as a person and a professional.

In the end, difficult topics are addressed productively without fighting and casualties of war, and respectful relationships are not only maintained but strengthened. You’re not avoiding the issue, you’re avoiding creating a mess.

More importantly, you’re leading by example, and fostering a healthy culture of open communication, transparency, and mutual respect.

That’s the difference between someone who has a leadership position, and someone who is a leader.

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

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Best Practices Growth Human Resources Leadership Personal Development

Bell(e)’s World – Balance

How do you define BALANCE in your life?

We hear about work life balance, all the time.  Balance is defined, as a condition, in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. Life is very hard to have all the elements be equal.  We are messaged throughout our lives that work and life proportions should be balanced.  Let’s look at the averages based on The Labor Bureau of Statistics.  Fact – There are 168 hours in every week! (Some people think that’s not enough).  The most amount of time is spent on personal care1 which includes sleep – 67.06 hours / week.  Almost less than half on work or work related activities 2 – 25.27 hours / week. This gives us almost 75.67 hours/ week to do something other than “sleep” and “work.”  Yet our focus in life is centered around work and getting the financial gains from “working”, being successful, having a title, having power etc.  Just looking at the numbers, balance, is not a game, we should strive to win.  You are struggling every day to achieve something that is not truly possible and shouldn’t be the same for everyone.  Each of us is an individual, on their own life journey.

Work can be enjoyable to many people.  When I am doing things that mostly make my brain tick and generates income, I am very focused and enjoy what I am doing.  Many of the closest people, in my life, tell me I constantly work.  Yet it doesn’t look like I am working to the outside world.  It looks like I am enjoying life and being a free spirit because I am around people I enjoy interacting with and I travel a lot.  There are many executives who are driven by the work they do because they are good at it, they enjoy it and are getting paid to do it.  This does mean that sometimes their personal lives are affected by the amount of time they spend on work.

However, they need to find the balance on the expectations of them by the people in their life.  There is nothing wrong in being motivated by the work you do and spending a lot of time on it.  The problem becomes when you have situations where others have expectations on your time and they don’t receive it.  As everything on a Bell curve there is a large group of people that truly enjoy the work they do.  However, the media is constantly providing articles on how to achieve balance and makes people feel that they are not normal or fulfilled in their journey because they are always working.   The media and our culture shapes our way of thinking from the moment our brains start learning to process information.  We are taught what is the right behavior (eg. etiquette) to how we should think.  Yet, each individual, in the universe will have a slightly different way of thinking and will be wired a little different.

Life is not just about balance but is a key component to going through the life journey.  Prior to understanding balance in your own life, you need to go through the process of understanding your core self. The core self, answers the questions of what makes you tick to what journey do you want to lead. The list is extensive and the time is takes to process this self-evaluation can be a lifetime.  As you start peeling the layers, you find confidence on making decisions based on your individual journey.  Balance does not mean our work and play will be even and its definitely not the same for everyone. Balance is about understanding how we want to go through the journey of life and feel fulfilled at the end.

How do you want to bring BALANCE into your Journey of Life?

1Average weekly hours worked https://www.bls.gov/web/empsit/ceseesummary.htm
2Average daily hours on activities https://www.bls.gov/charts/american-time-use/activity-by-sex.htm

Welcome to Bell(e)’s world. Everything in this world is based on a bell curve. Our media concentrates on giving advice to make everyone be a part of the masses. This is a weekly series of Urvi’s insights on her perception of the world. They say perception is reality and she lives in her own fantasy world. This allows her to delve into the human element of our lives, helping individuals look into their own souls to understand who they are and what they want out of their journey of life.  Bell(e)’s world explores the extremes and goes beyond the surface. Ready to read about some of the “elephants in the room?”  Contact urvi if you want to build your emotional wealth and enhance your life based on your inner core. #thehumanelement

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Growth Human Resources Leadership Personal Development

Avoid Triangulation: How to Save Time and Money in a Conflict

Avoid Triangulation: How to Save Time and Money in a Conflict

Have you ever been pulled into a conflict between two employees?  Two employees have an emotionally charged discussion, they fail to resolve the conflict and one of them comes to you, “Joseph is refusing to do his work.  I am sick of it.”  What do you do? Do you get in the middle?  Do you call together both employees to discuss the issue?  Don’t do it. It’s a trap.  It will likely waste your time and damage profitability too.  What can you do instead?

We learn this triangulation technique at an early age.  Triangulation is when a third party (neutral) is brought into a conflict for the purpose of reaching a resolution.  Here is a typical example.  Two children are playing and one does something the other doesn’t like.  Before you know it, “Mom!!!  Joseph took my toy!!”  Triangulation is a demonstration of either laziness or a lack of skill in resolving conflict.  It’s understandable in childhood. Children don’t know any better.  It is dysfunctional in the workplace and needs to be avoided.

There are three reasons why you should avoid being pulled into the middle.  It will likely waste your time.  It will rarely create a lasting resolution.  It will teach dependence.

Wasting Your Time

According to an Accountemps Survey in 2011, “Managers who were interviewed said they spend, on average, 18 percent of their time — intervening in employee disputes.” (Keeping the Peace: Accountemps Survey: Managers Spend Nearly a Full Day Each Week Dealing with Staff Conflicts, 2011)  Imagine you could save nearly 1-1/2 hours a day (seven hours a week or nine weeks per year), how much more could you accomplish?

Unlikely a Long-Term Resolution

When you are pulled into the middle, staying neutral is a big challenge.  Your biases will get in the way of appearing neutral to both employees.  One or both will likely see you on one side or the other.  This will prevent a solution from sticking.  Any perception of bias will create a perception of weakness in the quality of whatever solution is reached.

Teaching Dependency

If you insist on stepping in the middle of a conflict, what is the likelihood the employees will get you in the middle next time too?   It’s highly likely and, if employees depend on you for conflict resolution, innovation, productivity, and profit will suffer.

Correct Strategy

If getting in the middle should be avoided, then what is the correct strategy when employees can’t resolve their own conflict?  If you are being dragged into the middle, there are 3 key actions you can take to reverse the trend. First, identify the type of conflict.  Second, provide the correct tools.  Third, facilitate a discussion with the employees to resolve their own conflicts.

Identify the type of conflict

There are two sources of conflict, interests and positions.  Conflicts of interests are serious and very difficult to resolve. It means that the two people (or organizations) have totally different foundational priorities.  The Palestinians and Israelis have conflicts of interests.  Israelis desire to live in peace practicing their faith, living in a democracy and operating in a capitalist economy.  Many Palestinians want the destruction of Israel.  In organization, the existence of conflicts of interests are likely an indicator of a leadership failure.

Conflicts of positions are much easier to resolve and offer the best opportunity to innovate.  Imagine a couple want to take a trip to New York City.  The husband wants to drive.  The wife wants to take the train.  They both share the same interest, i.e. a trip to NYC.  They disagree on how, the position.

Conflicts of position offer an opportunity to talk and possibly negotiate.  Organization should have a very high percentage of conflicts of position. Any conflicts of interest are a failure of leadership skill and/or communication.  These types of conflict indicate a lack of clarity of the context.

Provide the tools

If it is a conflict of interest then, as a leader, you must get to work!  Clarify the vision, mission, values, strategy, and leadership model.  The lack of clarity has trickled down through into the minds of the employees.  You must ask, “Have we clarified the vision, mission, values, strategy, and leadership model for the organization?”  Any confusion about these five key cornerstones will likely create unnecessary conflicts.

If it is a conflict of position, it is a perfect time ask, “Do the employees have negotiation skills and/or experimentation tools and do they have permission to use them?”  The learning cycle is a perfect tool to take ideas and test them.  The learning cycle (Plan-Do-Check-Act) gives employees empowerment to test their positions.   A position is a theory. For example, in my NYC example, the husband might say, “Honey, if we drive we will have a better time because we can relax and leave whenever we want.  Can we try it this time, and perhaps take the train next time?”

Conflicts of position require emotional intelligence and specialized tools to lead emotional discussions.  Providing these tools enables employees to resolve their own conflicts.  Providing these tools is a leadership responsibility.

When you prepare the context and provide the tools, you can transform children into adults.  You will create an environment where you no longer have to be in the middle and you will observe employees independently resolve issues and create innovative solutions that the “middle-person” never could.   Facilitate a discussion to encourage employees to use the tools and create their own solutions.  Let them do it. Prepare them and turn them loose.  It will save you time and make you more money.

Wally Hauck, PhD has a cure for the “deadly disease” known as the typical performance appraisal.  Wally holds a doctorate in organizational leadership from Warren National University, a Master of Business Administration in finance from Iona College, and a bachelor’s degree in philosophy from the University of Pennsylvania.   Wally is a Certified Speaking Professional or CSP.  Wally has a passion for helping leaders let go of the old and embrace new thinking to improve leadership skills, employee engagement, and performance.

Keeping the Peace: Accountemps Survey: Managers Spend Nearly a Full Day Each Week Dealing with Staff Conflicts. (2011, March 15). Retrieved from http://accountemps.rhi.mediaroom.com: http://accountemps.rhi.mediaroom.com

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Human Resources Management Marketing Personal Development Women In Business

What Does Your Personal Brand Sound Like?

I just read a great article from Entrepreneur, as shared here, called “7 Signs Your Personal Brand Needs Work.” All seven signs, and the suggestions offered to resolve each, are insightful and important – read them for yourself. But as is common in such analyses, there is one critical factor for establishing your ideal personal brand that is once again missing from the discussion.

It’s one thing to have consistent branding when you’re writing a blog, Facebook update or tweet, but what happens to that brand messaging when you’re talking to someone, real-time, maybe even face to face? On a very literal level, what does it sound like when you share your idea, insight and suggestion? Is it as compelling to hear as it is to read?

So many people have terrific ideas and masterful skill sets, but their ability to persuade, compel, and inspire someone just by talking with them simply falls flat. There’s something “missing” in the delivery, which can translate to something missing from their personal brand

This is the foundation of what I call alignment. Your words and your delivery must be equally strong and compelling, because your words convey your content, and your delivery conveys your intent behind the message. When both parts are reinforcing the same message at the same time, there is credibility to the whole message, and as a result, the credibility reflects back to you.

Lots of people claim that they can speak well when they have to give a big presentation or are otherwise in the spotlight, and this shows what they are capable of when they believe the stakes are high enough to warrant that kind of focus and effort. But as far as I’m concerned, your reputation is what happens in the moments when you’re NOT trying; all those little moments when you’re not in the spotlight.

For example, when you look at your own participation in generic weekly meetings, what does your participation soundlike? Ask yourself the following:

  • Do you always speak loudly enough to ensure that all people can hear?
  • Do you inflect lots of up-speak when you talk where it sounds like you’re constantly implying lots of questions and requests for validation into your speech even when you’re not?
  • Do you speak so quickly that you tend to slur some words together or mumble, making people have to ask you to repeat what you’ve said?
  • Do you give and receive constructive feedback in an antagonistic or defensive manner, or shy away from it completely?
  • Do you speak in an unnecessarily low voice without enough breath support so that your voice sounds gravelly or creaky, and you seem disinterested, tired, or not confident?

The challenge is that most of us are painfully unaware of our default speech style. We may know how we think we come across, but often the brand and reputation that we think we are building for ourselves is very different from the reality of the brand reputation we’re becoming known for.

This is why it’s critical to gain an awareness of what your “default” speech style is like in these contexts: because for the most part, that’s what people will remember and what they’ll use to form their evaluation of your credibility and leadership, not what you can do in the rare instances when you absolutely have to. After all, what’s more likely: that they frame their opinions based on the exception, or the “rule”?

When in doubt, remember: That “rule” is at the foundation of your brand.

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

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Growth Human Resources Leadership Personal Development

3 Methods for Lasting Change We Can Learn from Jesus

3 Methods for Lasting Change We Can Learn from Jesus

There are many things we can learn from Jesus even if we are not Christian. One important lesson is how to be a change agent for our teams, organizations, or communities.

The ability to lead change is a key competency of any leader and that is especially true today with the speed and frequency of change.  According to Fortune Magazine, only 12% of the Fortune 500 companies in 1955 are still on the list today.  Why? One reason is the inability to adapt to change.

There are three methods we can all use to facilitate change.  I chose the word facilitate carefully because it is not about controlling.  It is about offering options which provide the greatest benefits and which will generate the best results.  A facilitator makes things clear and shows the way. It is up to others to make the choice to follow.

Method 1: Identify a Small Group of Committed People

Don’t try to change everyone.  Find a small group of committed, well connected, and credible people who can help you communicate your very clear and compelling message of change.  This idea was clearly articulated in the book the Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell. (Gladwell, 2000) Jesus did this with his 12 apostles.  Even Jesus couldn’t save everyone because we all have free will.  Judas didn’t make it even though he had a seat in the C-Suite.

Method 2: Offer Evidence and Understanding to Those Who Doubt

I find the “four stage model” for change useful.  The four stages in a change process are:

  1. First, we start out in comfort with how things are.  There is no need for change.
  2. The second stage is denial.  This is where everything that is not working is someone else’s fault.  “There is no need for me to change because the conditions just don’t justify it.”
  3. The third stage is anxiety.  This is where we know we need to change but we are unsure if it is possible. We may feel shame or embarrassment that we messed up and we can feel depression.  Sometimes we avoid feeling depressed and stay in denial.  It is normal to move back and forth between denial and anxiety especially if the change we are being asked to make is a big one.
  4. The final stage is insight.  This is where we try something new to address the desired change and it works. This gives us hope that we CAN make the change and it is working. This is the positive feedback stage.

Providing those who are in denial and anxiety with empathy, understanding (love) and data helps them to get the insights they need to make the changes.

Jesus had big advantages with the miracles performed.  We don’t necessarily need miracles to help people move through the four stages (although it would help).  We need empathy, clearly articulated benefits, clearly articulated consequences, and data for all those in denial and anxiety.   Thomas doubted Jesus’s appearance to the apostles after the resurrection.   Thomas wanted data and Jesus provided it.

If we can support those who are doubtful and give them an opportunity to demonstrate the new behaviors, they are more willing to make the change.  It requires data, support, fortitude, and emotional intelligence to make the change work.

Method 3: Create a Ritual

Jesus created the ritual of the bread and wine to help everyone remember him and His word. To help people remember the clear messages and the benefits we need a ritual.  Find one, create it and stick with it. I encourage clients to use morning huddles to reinforce the values of the organization.  This frequency of reinforcement is like a ritual that reminds everyone they made a choice, it is working, and it is benefiting them personally.

Other rituals that reinforce positive change include:

  • Consistently facilitating agreements with people instead of telling them what to do.
  • Looking for processes that need improvement and delegate the “fix” to the staff instead of doing it yourself.
  • Hold more frequent huddles and communicate how organization is doing, express appreciation for all the excellent work, and tie the results to the change initiative.
  • Jesus was an excellent change agent.  If we can apply his methods, we can become profound change agents too.

Wally Hauck, PhD has a cure for the “deadly disease” known as the typical performance appraisal.  Wally holds a doctorate in organizational leadership from Warren National University, a Master of Business Administration in finance from Iona College, and a bachelor’s degree in philosophy from the University of Pennsylvania.   Wally is a Certified Speaking Professional or CSP.  Wally has a passion for helping leaders let go of the old and embrace new thinking to improve leadership skills, employee engagement, and performance.

Gladwell, M. (2000). The Tipping Point. Malcom Gladwell.

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Growth Human Resources Leadership Personal Development

Frequent Performance Feedback: What’s the Point?

A client called to discuss an employee’s poor performance.  Although the basic work was getting done, there were behaviors the manager (and others) wanted to see improved.  It seems the employee would often disappear.  The department employees being available (or reachable) always was essential to serve colleagues (internal customers) who often had urgent questions.  These questions need to be answered or internal projects would screech to a halt and cost the organization significant loss of revenue and productivity.  My client was uncomfortable and was asking for guidance.

 

The client asked me, “How do I get my employee to be at his desk when he is needed?” The typical manager would likely make specific demands and/or make threats such as insist on frequent meetings to assure compliance with the demands.  Or, he/she might threaten to possibly hold a negative performance review rating.  What’s the point of these?  Control?  Control techniques are often outdated and ineffective in our knowledge economy. Employees can always find ways around the arbitrary rules.  My client knew this and thus the reason for his call.

 

Many, if not most of the firms transforming their performance management processes are recommending more frequent and informal feedback in place of formal performance review meetings.  PwC, a major consulting firm, found that up to 60% of employees (especially millennials) want feedback either weekly or daily. Virtually all performance management consulting companies recommend more frequent feedback now (in place of annual reviews) because they claim it improves employee engagement.

 

This all sounds seductive but what’s the point?  Managers are not very skilled at delivering feedback and they claim to have no time to deliver feedback more frequently.  These are barriers, but the bigger reason to be cautious before jumping on the “more frequent” bandwagon is the dysfunction caused by a flawed context. If organizations shifted their context from control to self-management it would make an enormous positive difference in performance while requiring less time for managers.

 

Delivering feedback more frequently, and less formally, in a dysfunctional context will not make things better.  In a control context, the typical manager will make specific demands and then attempt to catch the employee either doing something right or doing it wrong.  This strategy creates a context of mistrust and sends this message to the employee, “You are incapable of managing your own performance without me watching you.”

 

I recommended a different approach to my client: facilitate a set of agreements with the employee.  An agreement is a specific, measurable, and time sensitive task that is delivered with a predictable process.  I recommended my client facilitate agreements around being available.  I suggested he reinforce the importance of being available.  He then asked the employee, “What agreement(s) are you willing to make to be sure you are available always for our internal customers?”

 

Instead of making demands to follow a process that the manager created, the manager shifted the responsibility for creating a process to the employee to keep his agreement.  This shift (in context) allows more effective feedback without the demand for forced frequency.  If the employee can be more available, the process the employee created worked.  There is no need for feedback from the manager.  If it doesn’t work, then feedback is appropriate.  The feedback will be either about the process needing improvement about the broken agreement. Either way, the feedback is needed and can be immediate.

 

In this context, the purpose (the point) of feedback is 3 fold: First, to discuss when and if agreements are broken; Second, discuss when a process must be improved:  Third, when appreciation can be expressed for a job well done.

 

In this context feedback is not dependent upon a calendar.  Instead, it is delivered when everyone can learn something. Either we learn how to better keep our agreements, we learn how to improve a process, or we learn when we did something extraordinarily positive and want it repeated.

 

Forcing more frequent feedback without a good context (the point), will not deliver the desired results.  Managers and employees will likely get tired of meeting so frequently.  The arbitrary calendar demand to give frequent feedback will likely not deliver enough learning.  By asking, “What agreement(s) are you willing to make to self-manage?”  the context changes to self-management and away from manager dependency.  This puts the responsibility where it really belongs, on the employee and not on the manager.  Frequency is great but what’s the point?  Learning is the point.

 

Wally Hauck, PhD has a cure for the “deadly disease” known as the typical performance appraisal.  Wally holds a doctorate in organizational leadership from Warren National University, a Master of Business Administration in finance from Iona College, and a bachelor’s degree in philosophy from the University of Pennsylvania.   Wally is a Certified Speaking Professional or CSP.  Wally has a passion for helping leaders let go of the old and embrace new thinking to improve leadership skills, employee engagement, and performance.

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Best Practices Growth Human Resources Management Skills Women In Business

Reframing the Perception of Conflict

 

At some point or other, we’ve all taken leadership style or personality “tests,” whether the DISC assessment, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or one of myriad others on the market. But one scale I haven’t seen explicitly identified on any commercially available tools is how people perceive conflict.

 

Notice I did not say how they handle conflict. In my experience, a critical factor is whether and how people perceive conflict in the first place, as that is the catalyst that triggers the response. Once you start to see how differently people experience the concept of “conflict,” it becomes remarkably clear why they engage in it or avoid it the way that they do, and how you need to handle a situation in order to get the results you want in a way that is both collaborative and effective.

 

First, think about conflict not as a yes-or-no issue, but on a gray scale, with “peace” and “war” at the opposite extremes, separated by a wide range of degrees of intensity, which might look something like this:

Because of the range of degrees of this scale, the issue becomes one of personal tolerance, kind of like your personal tolerance for spicy food. These different degrees of conversational intensity, such as disagreement, debate and fight, always exist. At that point, the question then becomes at what point you start to feel a sense of genuine anxiety, and when that anxiety reaches a level that is intolerable, which makes you want (or need) to end the conversation – whether through fight or flight.

 

For people who tend to have a lower tolerance for conflict-related anxiety, they may view the scale like this:

 

From their perspective, they can only have a conversation comfortably as long as they know that they will not have to discuss anything that will make either or both people unhappy, because unhappiness reflects conflict, and conflict triggers anxiety, which is not tolerable. This is why people who are highly conflict-averse may tend to avoid engaging in some important conversations. Peace/Agreement Discussion Disagreement Debate Argument Fight Battle War Tolerable Anxiety Intolerable Anxiety Peace/Agreement Discussion Disagreement Debate Argument Fight Battle War 2 Ironically, it is often through the efforts and extents people go through in attempt to avoid conflict that they end up making a bad situation worse, as problems are allowed to fester

 

On the other hand, people who have a higher tolerance for conflict-based anxiety may view the scale more like this:

To these people, a good intellectual debate is just that: a debate, to explore the differences in ideas, whether for the purposes of trying to learn from each other, or to persuade the other person to change their view. As long as the discourse doesn’t get personal, most commentary is fair game.

 

Often people with much higher tolerance conflate being blunt with being efficient. Needless to say, this is also not a particularly good way to lead, if your goal is to build loyal and effective teams and customer relationships.

 

I strongly encourage you to share the models with your team and have an open discussion to compare where people identify their own tolerance levels. Once you understand how you perceive conflict and at what point that conflict puts you in a state of intolerable anxiety, especially relative to someone else’s tolerance, you’ll be better able to understand why your response to conflict defaults a certain way. Only then will it be possible to discover what you need to do to promote open discussion in a way that creates trust, and increases productivity and overall success.

 

Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Management Women In Business

Dads: Raise Your Daughters to be CEOS

Father’s Day is coming up, so in the spirit of honoring the male role models in our lives, I’d like to share a special note with all the dads and other men (and women) out there about how to raise your daughters to be a successful, confident and happy future executive.

Over the years, I’ve spoken in front of myriad professional women’s groups, and coached women at every level and in every industry imaginable, and one factor regularly surfaces as having a major influence on their current levels of confidence and self-efficacy: their relationship with their fathers.

I often get asked how I’ve developed my confidence and sense of self, and more and more I realize how much of the credit goes to my father (and mother) for setting this foundation in me in all these ways and more.

Dad (a music teacher) encouraged me to audition for all-state band (I played the alto sax), which I did all four years of high school, even though I only made it once. After each audition, we’d talk about what went right and wrong and how to do better next time.

He pushed me to take honors classes but didn’t flinch when I agreed to take AP history and Spanish but not calculus (thank goodness!)

(I’ll probably get flack for this, but I’m going to mention it anyway.) He also always told me I was pretty, even when my ever-fluctuating adolescent weight was on the top end of the yo-yo curve. To a teenage girl’s self-esteem, it mattered. A lot.

When I decided to go for my PhD instead of getting a “regular job” he asked probing questions so we could discuss the pros and cons and the best way to make it work.

And he never once gave me a guilt trip about my biological clock or his (undeniable) desire for grandchildren even though I was 40 before I finally met my husband.

He let me know that he recognized my efforts and intentions, trusted my judgment and respected my decision, even when we didn’t see eye to eye.

Most importantly, even when I had genuinely messed up, even though he was really upset with me in the moment, he never belittled me or called me names, and he made it clear that he still loved me.

So for all you parents, here are four strategies for how to communicate with your daughters in a way that builds her confidence and empowers her with the skills and perspective to be a successful leader:

  • Talk to your daughter. Don’t be afraid to initiate conversations, and ask tough and sometimes personal questions to help her think through things, then be prepared to listen. Listen to truly understand her motivations rather than to identify the holes in her argument and formulate your rebuttal.
  • Challenge her to try new things, and set ambitious but attainable goals. Celebrate victories, acknowledge and praise progress and efforts. Recognize the difference between when to say, “it’s okay, you can’t win ‘em all” and “I don’t think you really gave it your best. What happened?”
  • Invite her to initiate difficult conversations with you instead of hiding her true feelings.
  • Even when she does make a mistake or otherwise does something you don’t approve of, make it clear that the you think the decision or action was dumb, not that she is stupid. Then – possibly an hour or so later after you’ve cooled off – remind her that you love her and are proud of her no matter what.

If you can fine-tune your objectivity regarding this aspect of your relationship with your daughters now – no matter what their age or family or professional status – that sets a foundation for success that no fancy MBA can match!

 

Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

Categories
Best Practices Human Resources Marketing Personal Development Women In Business

Love Endures Storms

Did you wake up this morning not wanting to face the day? Just to put 2 feet on the ground, rise up and face your obstacle, your fear, your pain takes courage. No matter what storm is circling in your life, it cannot last.

Absolutely, it is shaking you up, making you feel uncomfortable.  That feeling, the one that is stirring your soul is called LOVE, inner LOVE. When everything around you is dark, look to inner LOVE, to find the strength to endure the storm.

 

Are you facing an obstacle at the office or at home? 

We all go through storms of life to move us, put us on a new path, a

 different path or perhaps a “wake up call” for change. When you are in the midst of your storm, rise up, find that strength, the inner love and pay very close attention to the message. The storm is stirring you up like a big roar but quietly whispering a message, a gentle push toward your new awakening. Pay close attention ….Don’t Miss It!

 

Love, especially self love is the #1 Motivator in the world.  It compels you to rise to your greatness.  How you react to your storms of challenge and circumstance come from your Love Placement System (LPS) which is a belief system inside yourself that has been developed over the years. 

 

If you are faced with a challenge at the office, how you want to react is triggering you to grow and rise to your greatness.  When you feel the storm, it’s calling out to you to rise to become better.  What can you do to be a better leader in your company, or perhaps a better husband or wife at home?  It’s simple – STORMS are lightening bolts shining brightly on what needs to change.  How you quiet your storm is based on your ability to see it as a lesson and a gift.   If you practice healthy self love, you will not hit the easy button.  You will sit with your storm and receive the lesson and RISE to your greatest potential.

Don’t React!  That doesn’t calm the storm.

And, in your storm, Be gentle with yourself. You are exactly in the midst of the uncomfortable for a reason.  Give yourself 1000 reasons to hold on to your inner LOVE. The strength to endure is in YOU!  The ability to grow and evolve into your best self will only make you a better leader in your professional life and a better person for all the relationships in your life.

 

If you notice that you keep facing the same storm, then you keep missing the messages, the lessons and the gift

 It doesn’t fade ~ Not until you learn how to Love yourself enough to seek growth to become the greatest version of yourself.  GO RISE!

 

 

Spread the Love,

Debbie Forth

Love Architect, Love Coach, Speaker

C-Suite Network Advisor & Contributing Editor

Debbie@DebbieForth.com

DebbieForth.com

“Architecting Healthy Relationships from the Inside Out”

 

Since 2012, I’ve helped my clients break through the obstacles that seem to be holding them back in creating the love-life of their dreams. Life’s too short to be unhappy, unsure, or unfulfilled by one’s self — so what are you waiting for? Let me help you learn and develop better ways to handle the issues that are standing in the way of your goals. Are you ready to be held accountable to making the choices and changes to transform by falling in love with self and being ready to give/receive love to others?

“It’s with in our own stories that unlock the doors of healing for self and others.”