Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s close to many of our hearts but often swept under the rug: navigating past family trauma. Whether it’s from past hurts, childhood experiences, or ongoing family dynamics, trauma can sneak up on us and impact our lives in unexpected and destructive ways. Are you open to explore how we can understand, address, and ultimately heal from family trauma to become better negotiators and, more importantly, happier and healthier individuals.

What is Family Trauma Anyway?

First off, let’s define the beast. Family trauma can stem from various sources (whether abuse, neglect, addiction, mental illness, etc.). These experiences can leave deep scars, affecting our emotional well-being and behavior long after the events have passed.

Recognizing the Signs

Trauma isn’t always easy to spot. Often, we’re in denial about our past traumas. Even when that’s not the case, it can hide in emotional triggers or behavioral patterns. Do you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs or, conversely, jumping into it headfirst? Do certain situations leave you feeling disproportionately anxious or angry? These might be signs of unresolved trauma.

Preparing for Negotiation

Self-Awareness is Key

Understanding how your trauma influences your negotiation style is the first step. Are you a people-pleaser, afraid to say no? Or perhaps you’re overly aggressive, fearing loss of control? Recognize these patterns and remind yourself that they’re just that—patterns, not fixed traits.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Learn to say ‘no’ without guilt. Establish what you’re comfortable with and stick to it. Boundaries are crucial for maintaining your well-being and fostering respectful negotiations.

Seek Professional Support

Don’t hesitate to seek help from therapists or counselors. They can provide tools to navigate your trauma and develop healthier coping strategies.

Apply the No F.E.A.R. Model

My No F.E.A.R. model is ideal for combatting trauma-related approaches. If you incorporate this model as part of your regular negotiation preparation you’ll be well ahead of the curve and ready to get better outcomes, not driven by past trauma. Grab your free copy of my e-book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating.

Communication Strategies

Active Listening

One of the best ways to negotiate past trauma is by truly listening. Active listening helps you understand the other person’s perspective and shows them you value their input. It’s a powerful way to build trust and empathy.

Empathy and Compassion

Speaking of empathy, bring it into your negotiations. Understand that everyone has their own struggles and pains. Approach discussions with compassion, and you’ll find that people are often more willing to meet you halfway. It’s also a valuable way to decrease ego and reactivity – for you and the other party.

Assertive Communication

Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means expressing your needs and wants clearly and respectfully. Practice stating your points without blaming or shaming the other person.

Healing and Moving Forward

Forgiveness and Letting Go

Forgiveness can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s essential for healing. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and, if possible, forgive those who hurt you. It doesn’t mean condoning their actions but releasing the hold they have over you.

Building New Patterns

Start small. Replace old, unhealthy patterns with new, positive ones. Practice responding calmly rather than reacting impulsively. Over time, these new patterns will become second nature.

Create a Support Network

Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or even support groups. Having a network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to stay on track.

Practical Negotiation Tips

Preparation and Planning

Always come prepared. Know what you want to achieve and have a plan. Preparation reduces anxiety (and with it emotional responses and reactivity) and increases confidence, allowing you show up as the best version of yourself.

Focus on Interests, Not Positions

Instead of fixating on specific outcomes (positions), focus on the underlying reasons (interests). This approach opens the space to find more creative and mutually beneficial solutions, avoiding becoming too attached to one’s position.

Adopt a Problem-Solving Approach

Shift from a win-lose mentality to a problem-solving mindset. See negotiation as a collaborative effort to resolve issues rather than a battle to be won. You’ll be surprised at the power of combining brainpower versus pitting it against each other.

Real-Life Stories

Let’s not forget the power of personal stories. Hearing how others have navigated past their trauma can be incredibly inspiring. Make a point of reading (or watching) stories about others who have overcome trauma in their lives and learn from their journeys (i.e. what to avoid, what to embrace, etc.). These stories remind us that healing is possible and that we’re not alone in our struggles.

Final Thoughts

Negotiating past family trauma isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s a continuous journey of self-awareness, healing, and growth. But with the right tools and mindset, you can transform past pains into strengths and navigate your way to healthier, happier relationships and more effective negotiations.

Remember, you’re not just negotiating deals—you’re negotiating your path to a brighter, more empowered future.

Until next time, stay strong and stay compassionate!

With both Independence Day and Canada Day in our rear view mirrors this week, it got me thinking about nationalism and national pride. In particular, I was contemplating how the principles of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ could be invoked to create a new kind of nationalism – one that embraces empathy, collaboration and growth over old competitive models that don’t serve us.

In our increasingly interconnected world, the traditional approach to nationalism—rooted in the competitive mindset of “We’re the best”—can lead to unnecessary conflict and division. As individuals, we have the power to redefine what nationalism means, shifting our focus from competition to empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement. By asking, “How can we be better?” we can contribute to a more harmonious and inclusive society.

Understanding Traditional Nationalism

Traditional nationalism, with its fervent flag-waving and face-painting, often emphasizes superiority and competition, leading to a sense of division and exclusivity. This approach can foster xenophobia, inhibit cultural exchange, and create tensions both within and between nations. To build a more inclusive and peaceful world, I invite you to reimagine your personal approach to nationalism.

The Need for a Personal Shift

In a globalized society, clinging to outdated notions of competitive nationalism is counterproductive. Instead, what if we embraced a more empathetic and collaborative form of nationalism to help us connect with others, understand diverse perspectives, and work together to solve common challenges?

Principles for a New Personal Nationalism

In considering this issue, it struck me that the principles needed to embrace a new kind of nationalism are those I’ve been advocating from the Art of Feminine Negotiation. Here’s a few practical principles you can apply to kickstart your new brand of personal nationalism.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

• Practicing Empathy: Take the time to understand and appreciate the experiences and perspectives of people from different cultures and backgrounds.
• Emotional Intelligence: Use emotional intelligence to navigate conversations about national identity, fostering understanding and reducing conflict.

Active Listening and Communication

• Active Listening: Engage in active listening during discussions about national and cultural issues, ensuring that everyone feels heard and respected.
• Effective Communication: Communicate openly and respectfully about national pride, focusing on commonalities rather than differences.

Flexibility and Adaptability

• Being Open to Change: Be open to new ideas and perspectives and be willing to adapt your views on nationalism as you learn and grow.
• Embracing Cultural Exchange: Embrace opportunities for cultural exchange, learning from the experiences and traditions of others.

Patience and Persistence

• Long-term Commitment: Commit to the long-term process of fostering a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism.
• Persistence in Dialogue: Stay engaged in conversations about national identity, even when they are challenging, to promote understanding and unity.

Collaboration and Teamwork

• Collaborative Efforts: Participate in community initiatives that promote cultural diversity and international cooperation.
• Building Relationships: Build relationships with people from different cultural backgrounds, strengthening social cohesion.

Balance and Fairness

• Fairness in Perspective: Strive for fairness in your views and discussions about national identity, acknowledging both strengths and areas for improvement.
• Balanced Approach: Maintain a balanced approach to nationalism, celebrating your country’s achievements while recognizing its challenges and areas for growth.

Practical Steps for Individuals

Education: Educate yourself about global issues and the histories and cultures of other nations. This can broaden your perspective and foster a more inclusive sense of nationalism.

Community Involvement: Get involved in community projects that promote cultural diversity and understanding. Volunteering with organizations that support immigrants and refugees is a great way to start.

Mindful Media Consumption: Be mindful of the media you consume. Seek out sources that provide balanced and nuanced views of different countries and cultures and be wary of content that promotes divisiveness.

Travel and Cultural Exchange: Travel, if possible, to experience other cultures firsthand. Engage in cultural exchange programs and events to learn and share with people from different backgrounds.

Positive National Conversations: Encourage positive conversations about national identity in your social circles. Focus on how your country can grow and improve rather than just highlighting its superiority.

Personal Reflection and Engagement

Reflecting on our personal views of nationalism and considering how we can contribute to a more positive and collaborative national identity is crucial. Here are some questions to consider:

• How do I currently view my national identity, and how might this perspective impact others?
• What steps can I take to promote a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism in my daily life?
• How can I encourage my friends and family to adopt a similar approach?

Moving Forward

This new approach requires a surrendering of ego. Contrary to our conditioned perspectives that this would constitute weakness, a new imagined nationalism would recognize these skills as strengths.

By adopting the principles of empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement, we can redefine nationalism on a personal level. This shift allows us to connect more deeply with others, celebrate our shared humanity, and work together towards a better future. As individuals, we have the power to influence and inspire those around us, contributing to a more peaceful and inclusive world.

Let’s embrace this new form of nationalism and strive to be better, not just the best.

In the intricate dance of negotiations, language serves as both a tool and a battleground, particularly when it comes to gender. Negotiation is not just about the exchange of contractual terms and figures; it is also deeply influenced by how individuals communicate, and these communication patterns can vary based on gender-conditioning.

Nuances embedded within linguistic choices can profoundly shape the outcome of negotiations, reflecting and perpetuating societal norms and power dynamics. Whether it is the subtle differences in tone or through the manifestation of gender stereotypes, language often becomes a vehicle for reinforcing existing biases or challenging them.

The tendency for men to employ more direct language in negotiations can convey confidence and authority, which may influence how their messages are perceived by counterparts. Employing the use of clear and assertive language often translates to a sense of decisiveness. Conversely, women tend to use more indirect language in negotiations. While this approach can be seen as diplomatic and considerate, it may sometimes be perceived as less assertive or confident compared to direct communication styles.

These language nuances and conventions are not solely influenced by individual preferences but are also shaped by broader societal and cultural norms. Expectations and stereotypes associated with gender roles may inadvertently impact how individuals communicate during negotiations.

However, effective negotiation isn’t about conforming to rigid stereotypes but rather about leveraging communication strategies that resonate with the specific context and counterpart. It’s about being adaptable, aware, and responsive to the dynamics at play. In a negotiation where gender biases may influence perceptions, individuals can overcome challenges by promoting open dialogue and mutual understanding.

The first step to overcoming these gender-conditioned approaches is awareness. It’s one of the reasons I started my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ book discussing the problems of social conditioning and its impact on bargaining approaches and outcomes. It’s important to be intentional about our approach to negotiation. This intentionality requires both self-awareness and societal conditioning awareness.

Understanding these linguistic differences, for example, is crucial for negotiators. By recognizing and adapting to these tendencies, negotiators can strategically align their communication styles with the desired negotiation objectives. For instance, women negotiators might consider incorporating more direct language when clarity and assertiveness are paramount in a negotiation context. And men may be better served by leaning in to so-called ‘softer’ approaches to get more creative outcomes.

Enhancing awareness and skill is important in improving negotiation strategies for all genders. For example, practicing different communication styles and learning to navigate biases can equip negotiators with tools to communicate more effectively. But, navigating this and challenging biases can be a difficult journey.

Inherent and individual nature certainly affects choices made in dialogue. For example, a man who is soft-spoken or has a natural gentle demeanor may be perceived as less confident or decisive because his behaviour does not fit into typical expectations of how men act. On the other side, a woman who is more direct or resolute in her use of language may be seen as callous or aggressive because she does not fit typical social perceptions. Before my epiphany I fell into this latter category. My clients called me the ‘Barracuda’ for approaches that would have been considered unremarkable in my male colleagues.

The pressures of social norms may force individuals to fight against their inherent nature in order to fit imposing standards. However, authentic and genuine communication become a common forgotten skill when adhering to societal conventions of language. Acknowledging these gender-based communication tendencies is essential for navigating interpersonal interactions effectively.

In negotiations the choice of language can significantly influence perceptions of credibility and competence. The approach of genuine conversation and attitudes instead of using facades can positively impact negotiation styles and foster a more harmonious environment. Trust is critical in any negotiation. Authenticity is key to build this necessary trust.

Ultimately, successful negotiation hinges on effective communication that fosters mutual understanding and agreement. Ongoing research into gender and language in negotiation informs best practices for promoting equity and inclusivity. For instance, studies on negotiation strategies that account for diverse communication styles can offer practical insights for improving negotiation outcomes and fostering respectful dialogue among negotiators. By embracing diverse communication styles and navigating gender-based language tendencies thoughtfully, negotiators can enhance their ability to achieve favorable outcomes while fostering constructive dialogue and relationships in the negotiating arena.

The new highly anticipated Netflix series, “A Man in Full”, demonstrates the desperate need for a new reframe on negotiation success. In fact, watching the show last night reminded me why I launched my mission for the Art of Feminine Negotiation. ™

While the series should play as a parody of masculine toxicity, sadly, it rings true for much of what passes as strong leadership these days. Whether it’s the business tycoon, the banking hotshot, the simpering loans officer, the mayor, or legal counsel, the male leads can hardly be called protagonists. Each in their own way are antagonists or antiheros, displaying behaviour that is neither acceptable nor productive.

The men in the show put on a full-on display of toxic masculine conditioning run amok. Not surprisingly, there is an inordinate amount of references to balls and pricks with a corresponding number of F-bombs or derivatives thereof thrown into the mix. The language reflects the behaviour.

The men brag about their relative abilities to ‘kick another man’s ass’ (both literally and figuratively) and are hell-bent on destruction of their ‘opponents’. Ego and testosterone abound in virtually every interaction between the males in the show. As in real life, this does not end well.

Respect and dignity are not a factor in their negotiations. In fact, the over-riding goal in almost every negotiation featured appears to be the humiliation and belittling of the other side. Brutish bullying seems to be the go-to modus operandi even when it’s to the character’s detriment.

Winning is everything, but unfortunately their concepts of winning do not allow for best outcomes. Taking the most aggressive path is always chosen even when it doesn’t best serve the party taking that approach. Charlie Croker (played by Jeff Daniels) brags that ‘I may be a sore loser sometimes, but I’m a vicious winner’ as if this is a sign of his superior business acumen.

Don’t get me wrong. The production is fabulous, and the acting is exceptional. It’s the message I take issue with. I expect the hope is that the audience will see the folly in the traditional competitive and polarizing approach to negotiating (in business and life) and choose a better path – a more collaborative, creative path to a better future. Heck, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ – to truly seek to understand and meet the needs of the other party in our interactions and negotiations. But I fear that the audience will take away the opposite lesson, believing that emulating this toxic, divisive behaviour is somehow a sign of power and success.

Allow me to spin some better lessons to take away from the show:

1. Surrender ego for better negotiated outcomes. Bumper-car egos are an impediment to good negotiating. Parking ego when approaching a negotiation will virtually always make space for better resolutions.
2. Build rapport and trust and with it, better results. Effective negotiation is all about connection. Personalized attacks destroy the possibility of connection that allows for bigger and better opportunities.
3. Empathy is key to getting to the heart of the matter and opening space for unexpected wins for all.
4. Holding all your cards to your chest (rather than allowing for transparency and vulnerability) may preclude your ability to find the real deal.
5. Be willing to be flexible. Staying too attached to one particular outcome precludes your ability to see better possibilities lying on the table for the having.
6. Aggressiveness is not the same as assertiveness. The former shows a lack of confidence in your knowledge of the subject whereas the latter comes from effective preparation and intention in showing up as the best version of yourself.
7. Curiosity is more effective than bullying in negotiations.
8. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. Shutting down either is not an effective way to get your best result.
9. Integrity matters in negotiation and in life. I mean this in both sense of the word. Sacrificing our moral code inevitably backfires as does coming from a place not in keeping with our core values.
10. Machismo is not strength. In fact, the so-called ‘soft skills’ are the strongest way to best outcomes.

It’s that time of the year again. Another season change, and with it the daily uncertainty of how to dress … and more. As I’ve struggled with simple decisions during the long transition from winter to spring, it struck me that there are lessons to be learned from this quarterly dance that could improve negotiation success. I thought I’d share them with you.

One of the foundational elements of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system is my A.R.E. F.I.T (just think you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator) model. It’s a simple mnemonic representing the key skills you need to bring to the table to get best negotiated outcomes: Assertiveness, Rapport Building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust.

Surprisingly, these skills apply whether navigating season changes or negotiating high stakes deals. Let’s unpack them.

 

Assertiveness:

Most people confuse assertiveness with aggression. They’re not the same thing. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s simple really.

Rather than railing at Mother Nature about unexpected elements during season changes (like a major dump of snow the day after you swapped out your snow tires with regular tires), instead do a little preparation. Check the forecasts, consider historical patterns, calculate the pros and cons of early versus late switchover (i.e. wear on your snow tires from dry pavement versus an accident from no traction with regular tires). Ultimately you need to make a decision, knowing it may work out as planned, but it may not.

This is much like the decision-making process in traditional negotiations. Unexpected elements arise. We can try to bully and bluster our way through these changes (typically to no avail other than damaging relationships and with it outcomes), or we can do the preparation necessary to make informed decisions, remaining open to the potential need to pivot when things move in a different direction.

 

Rapport-Building

I invite you to introduce yourself to each new season. Embrace it. Discover it. Show up with curiosity. Connect. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Build a relationship with each new stage. This approach will almost certainly allow for a better experience.

Similarly, in your negotiations, don’t treat the other party as the enemy. Don’t think of them (or their ideas or proposals) as something to ‘get through’ until you can impose your will. Be intentional about building rapport. Negotiation is all about relationship and connection.

 

Empathy

It’s easy to get frustrated with the changes each new season brings. From the frogs hopping haphazardly on the roadways with spring rainfalls (making nighttime driving an adventure), to the bugs splatting against your windshield or vying for your blood, it’s easy to resent them. I get it. But what if, instead, you put yourself in their shoes? Imagine how challenging their lives are, struggling to survive their too-short time on Earth. Recognize their contribution to the eco-system and how everything falls apart without the diversity they offer. Your tolerance will rise and your frustration fall.

Likewise, in negotiations, the key to greater success is truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party. Listen and learn. Adopt their perspective to broaden your own. It will profoundly change your experience and your outcomes.

 

Flexibility

Be prepared to be flexible during change of seasons. You may leave in the morning with frost on the ground and a bitter wind biting through your clothing, only to be sweating in your aptly named sweater by lunchtime. Wear layers. Bring a change of clothing. Be flexible to the need to shift.

Negotiations are no different. The other party may not show up as expected. Positions may change. Either theirs or your situation may shift. It’s important to remain flexible and open to new possibilities that may present and to find the golden opportunity in these unexpected shifts.

 

Intuition

Sometimes, even with all the preparation in the world, you just need to tap into your intuition. If you’re dying to enjoy the back deck but your intuition tells you that a whopper of a storm with gale-force winds is coming, maybe you don’t put out the patio furniture and cushions today.

This skill is often ignored or undervalued in negotiations as well. Trust your instincts. If your spidey-sense is sending off alarm bells about the trustworthiness of your bargaining counterpart, trust it! Sometimes quick decisions need to be made in negotiations. If so, slow your breathing, close your eyes, and connect with your intuition.

 

Trust

Nature can seem haphazard – sometimes even cruel. But there is an order to the seeming chaos. Nature is efficient. There is little waste or excess. Virtually everything serves a purpose and works in near perfect synchronicity. Trust it. Respect it.

In our real-world negotiations, it’s also critical to earn trust and respect. Show up with integrity. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. Protect your reputation. Keep your word.

 

As you settle in to the changes this spring brings from your corner of the world, seek to fully enjoy the experience. Be intentional in your daily negotiations and in your daily navigation of the season changes. In that way, you can position yourself to negotiate your best life.

As I look out the window and see rain pouring down (again) I’m reminded of the ‘April showers bring May flowers’ proverb. At first, I prided myself on my ability to bring a positive perspective to the doldrums of the rain. But I quickly realized that I still have work to do as even that ‘spin’ sets a negative, disempowering tone.

Language matters. Our brain tries to give us what it thinks we want. When I quip that ‘April showers bring May flowers’, I’m really training my brain to see April (and its showers) as something I need to persevere through to get to the May flowers. That perspective brings resistance with it.

What if, instead, I focused on the sheer joy of the showers themselves? Not as a journey to get to the ultimate destination of flowers, but rather, as an exceptional experience in and of itself.

What if I trained my brain to appreciate the wildly divergent sound patterns that the rain brings us – a symphony of music, changing tempo and tone moment to moment. And what if I celebrated the dance of the raindrops as they hit different surfaces, creating art in the myriad of unexpected patterns that emerge. What if I closed my eyes and breathed in the rich earthy smells the rain evokes.

Rather than April showers being something to endure on the journey to May flowers, they would become a gift that brings joy in the journey.

And what if we applied that principle to our lives? Think of any task you have on your plate at the moment. I invite you to choose to appreciate each step of the journey enroute to completion of that task. And yes, it is a choice.

You get to determine where you put your focus and what meaning you attach to your thoughts. Negotiating your mindset may be the most important negotiation you undertake in every moment of each day. You can focus on the end goal, seeing each step in the process as a necessary evil to reach that goal. Or you can embrace those interim steps as moments to be fully experienced and enjoyed along the way.

Consider your bigger vision and dreams for your life. Do you see the steps along the path to that vision as a grind, a trial or a tribulation? I invite you to ensure you choose mindful presence in each moment as you move toward your vision. Choose joy in the journey.

If your brain tries to give you what we want, how much more empowered will your adventures be if you train it to find the joy? To seek the beauty and gifts. To bask in gratitude in each moment.

Imagine how much better your life can be when you accept that you hold the power to train your brain to seek more positive and uplifting evidence. Simple perspective shifts can be gamechangers in life. You can choose to adopt one of these gamechangers now.

From attending to small tasks, to relationship building, to building an empire, choose joy in the journey. How simple is that?

Today is International Women’s Day. I invite you to take time to think about the women in your life who deserve to be celebrated but seldom get recognized. Let’s salute the extraordinary everyday women who add value to the world with no expectation of celebrity … or even acknowledgement. We all know many of these women.
I’m not talking about celebrating martyrdom here, but rather, taking a few moments to meaningfully consider the women who quietly make a difference in the world. We have become such an extrovert and fame-driven society, with influencers and celebs sucking all the oxygen, that countless women who have profound impact go unnoticed and under-appreciated.
Let’s make today their day. Let’s honour them. Let’s shout from the rooftops in celebration of their greatness.
I’ve been doing this myself this week, leading up to International Women’s Day. It’s a humbling experience. I confess, I’ve been pushing for visibility, touting my Wall Street Journal best-selling book and bragging about my recent features in Forbes, Women’s World, LA Weekly, etc. Meanwhile, millions of women, everyday, show up with compassion, kindness, generosity, empathy, curiosity, and creativity. They listen, inspire, and build trust. They seek to understand the perspectives of others. They lift up others to be the best they can, never seeking reward or the limelight.
I was talking to my daughter about International Women’s Day and my husband walked by saying “So when do men get celebrated?” I immediately quipped back, “Well, that would be the other 364 days of the year.” I said it as a fun bite back. But then I got to thinking that there was some truth in that. Women have been conditioned to play small, play nice, not brag on themselves, not take up too much space.
So today, I’d like to start a wave of well-deserved (but too long delayed) heartfelt gratitude and recognition for all those women who make a difference – whether for their family, intimate partners, community, or on the global scene – without expectation.
We’ve become very focused on transactional relationships in our society today. Always looking for the return on investment. Let’s honour those women who do great things with no thought of ‘what’s in it for them’. Let’s celebrate them for a change.
I invite you to recognize them by posting about them publicly. I’ve set up a page to do that. Simply go HERE on Facebook or HERE if Insta is your jam and post a pic and/or brief blurb about your chosen woman to honour.
Don’t be shy or stingy with sharing the praise. Choose as many women as you think deserve to be recognized. Share the post in your circles so it can travel today and beyond giving the long overdue appreciation to extraordinary everyday women who make the world a better place just by being them.