I’ve recently done several posts on negotiation lessons we can learn from popular T.V. shows. It’s a fun way to use real life scenarios as portrayed in our media to explore negotiation concepts (rather than a dry didactic lecture format). It’s also a great way to raise our awareness about the opportunities to learn and grow that abound in our everyday lives. We can use entertainment as a learning tool when we bring intention to the exercise.

I was watching one of my favourite comedies last night and was excited to see an episode that reinforced the principles I espouse in The Art of Feminine Negotiation™. If you’re not familiar with Modern Family, aside from the regular negotiation issues addressed, it’s a fabulous show reflecting modern dysfunctional family life.

In this episode, Phil (the happy-go-lucky son-in-law) has worked hard to negotiate a deal to buy a car for his eldest daughter for her 21st birthday. The patriarch (whose approval Phil is always seeking) prides himself on his negotiation prowess, and on his take-no-prisoners approach. He decides to tag along to show-off his skills and get a better deal than Phil had negotiated, chiding Phil for his ‘nice guy’ approach to deals.

It’s the classic illustration of the traditional competitive model that we’ve been conditioned to define as success versus the more collaborative style that I advocate (and that lies at the heart of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™).

Jay (the patriarch father-in-law) starts denigrating the deal Phil had negotiated and throwing out demands for further concessions. When the salesperson insists that Phil negotiated the best deal possible, Jay pushes back, insisting that there’s ‘wiggle room’ and trying to bully the salesperson into throwing more into the mix. In the face of insistence that the deal represents the bare bones bottom line, Jay insists he go to the manager. When the manager similarly refuses to budge, Jay insists they walk out, assuring Phil the sales rep will come running after them with further concessions … which doesn’t happen.

Jay then insists on going to another dealership, where they advise that the deal Phil had negotiated is unbeatable. Jay threatens to walk out, assuming the new dealer will buckle with a better offer. They don’t.

Jay then has to go back to the original dealership, cap in hand, trying to get the original deal back on the table. He comes back out, bragging that he got an even better deal with numerous perks through his tough negotiation strategies.

Turns out though that Jay couldn’t even get the original deal back on the table after walking away and ended up paying significantly more (which Phil only finds out from the frustrated sales rep).

There are several negotiating issues this scenario raises.

1. Phil’s more cooperative approach, building rapport and trust, allowed the space to get the best deal possible whereas the traditional competitive approach caused a stalemate with worse outcomes.

2. Jay’s competitive approach had him wanting to ‘win’ at all costs. He kept insisting on a ‘better deal’ and on getting ‘more’ but he didn’t have clarity about what that meant. It’s important to have clarity about the outcomes you seek in a negotiation.

3. While it’s valuable to set high aspiration levels coming into a negotiation (as Jay did), it’s important to do the homework and prepare first to know what a reasonable reservation price (bottom line) is.

4. Tied to reservation price, you need to know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) before you decide to play hardball and walk away from a deal that made sense for you.

5. Jay bullied for more without having done the work to determine where the ZOPO (zone of potential agreement) lay.

6. Ego is usually the kiss of death in negotiations. Jay’s ego trumped his ability to negotiate effectively. When you find your ego kicking in while negotiating, turn your attention to the other party and their needs.

7. It’s important to consider the needs of the other party in a negotiation. Jay never invoked curiosity. He failed to bring any empathy to the table. He didn’t ask a single question or make any effort to determine the needs of the dealership. This typically causes deals to fall apart or creates flawed outcomes.

8. While walking away from a deal can sometimes be effective, it’s critical to have done your homework first, and to consider whether you’ve become too attached to a particular item and lost the perspective to effectively consider whether the deal makes sense. In this case, Jay was so attached to the need to get ‘more’ he failed to review the benefits of the actual deal on the table.

In addition to these valuable lessons, it’s interesting to note the relationship negotiation that was occurring as a subtext to the main story line. We often fail to consider our personal relationships as requiring negotiations. All of life is a negotiation and our interactions with the people in our inner circle are no exception.

Phil surrounded all his leverage in this case, blindly handing over the reins to Jay in his desire to please him. I invite you to consider where you may be surrendering your power in your personal relationships. As in this case, a little self-advocacy and awareness of the underlying negotiation at play can allow for better outcomes and better relationships.

Spending time watching T.V. is typically seen as a time-waste. We beat ourselves up for kicking back and disengaging the brain. I invite you to consider that you can make this so-called downtime more productive by getting intentional about how you consume the product. Particularly if you’re looking to uplevel your negotiation skills, there’s loads of valuable lessons to be gleaned from your T.V. watching experience.

A while back I did an article on Lessons You Can Learn From the Hit New T.V. Show Partner Track. Turns out there was lots to learn (and think about) by going a layer deeper. More recently, I explored the lessons to be learned in the hit Spanish show, Alpha Males, in my post, Is the New ‘Feminine’ Approach to Negotiations Doomed to Failure?

Today, I thought I’d continue the theme by peeking behind the curtain of the show, For the People, which I just discovered (even though it aired in 2018 and sadly only ran for two seasons). The series follows 6 first year lawyers, half of whom are public defenders and half prosecutors. Not surprisingly, there’s loads of negotiation scenes in the show.

Last night I watched an episode where they focused on a character renowned for his negotiation prowess. At first, I could see why. He finessed the situation so the prosecutor ended up coming to his apartment after hours, where he had a bunch of home-baked pies ready – apparently a ploy he used regularly to great success. Using this ‘ah shucks’ folksy approach, he got what he wanted. There was some decent messages about negotiation in the mix.

Location is important – choose where to negotiate with care.

Determine in advance of the negotiation who you want to show up as and who the other party expects you to show up as. By flipping the expected role and script you can gain valuable traction.

Choose the when of your negotiations with intention to maximize best outcomes.

Be intentional about your language, tone, pacing and volume. The mood of a negotiation can be managed when you bring care to these elements.

A collaborative approach can often secure much better outcomes than a competitive approach.

Leaving aside the patent manipulation, his approach of collaboration is one I advocate. In fact, he invoked my 5W model in this scene to great effect. [For an exploration of my 5W model, check out my e-book, 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiation.] My book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation explores this new model at great length.

But then they showed a scene with a touching moment between the seasoned negotiator and our first year prosecuting protagonist. The purported negotiation expert had a conversation where he left his counterpart with a particular understanding, but then totally blind-sided him, undercutting him publicly in the media, taking an opposite position. The character tried to justify it on basis that ‘everyone wants to win so it gets tough’.

I did NOT see this as an example of effective negotiation. Arguably it constituted bad faith bargaining. He completely resiled from their discussion, twisting the conversation to his own ends. In my view, this type of approach, while it may seem to garner immediate benefits, is counter-productive.

Effective negotiators know that building trust is the cornerstone of the art. Building rapport is essential, not as a means to backstab the other party and take them by surprise, but rather, looking for long-term better buy-in, longer lasting agreements, better relationships and more creative mutually beneficial outcomes.

The short-sighted approach has a high cost (as it did in this episode). Trying to gain points through tactical misrepresentation causes a loss of integrity and corresponding lack of trust. In this case, as in real life, it caused backlash that bit him and his client in the proverbial butt in the end.

There can be much value in watching T.V. shows or movies if you bring intention to the table. It doesn’t have to be a mindless activity. Simply paying attention to the lessons portrayed, questioning the messages, and gleaning insights you can take away to improve your approach will make the time spent a worthwhile endeavour.

It doesn’t have to be a legal show. All of life is a negotiation so the airways are rife with examples to draw from. In fact, I’ll be doing an episode soon on favorite negotiation scenes from movies or TV shows, but for now, just wanted to tease the concept.

In Part I, we explored the perils of bowing down to expert advice or opinions without question. I used my experience (of having my concerns about my deteriorating hip discounted by medical experts) to share some valuable negotiating lessons I took away. Today, I’d like to continue that exploration.

We’d left off in my saga at the point where I’d finally insisted on getting an MRI after having been thrice dismissed by my doctor.

Note that we’re more likely to yield our power when dealing with issues for ourselves (versus for our loved ones). When my daughter had been diagnosed with a serious heart defect, for example, I was on the experts every day, questioning, challenging, insisting I get satisfactory answers and jointly agreed upon plans forward. When my son was diagnosed with a serious mental health issue, I pushed past a broken system to insist on getting the resources he needed and the access I sought.

This was also a lesson for me (and I hope a reminder to you) that our problems rarely pop up out of the blue. There are lead ups and warnings. When we leave them unaddressed, we invariably set ourselves up to have them build. I invite you to develop the habit of addressing issues in your life promptly. Don’t allow them to build momentum (like the proverbial snowball that triggers an avalanche). Address them head-on before they become crises. This is true whether dealing with a suspected health problem or business problem or relationship problem.

When I finally got my MRI and long-awaited referral to a specialist, I was told I needed surgery. I’d suddenly gone from repeated assurances (over 3 years of lobbying) that nothing was wrong to advice that I needed a full hip replacement. Apparently, I hadn’t learned my lesson about bringing assertiveness, intuition, and self-trust to the table as I blithely accepted this advice (after a mere 5 minutes with the surgeon).

While it was frustrating at the time, it turned out to be fortuitous that there was a wait for surgery as a plethora of varied opinions were about to come barrelling my way. My surgery was set to be scheduled for January but as that was my great Antarctic Adventure it was pushed to February. My hip went completely sideways (so to speak) in December, and I was scrambling to get some relief to get me through the trip. On that journey, I saw 2 chiropractors and an osteopath, all of whom had dramatically divergent views on how to deal with my situation.

I now had two surgeons who were adamant that I needed a full hip replacement, set against 3 other experts who were equally adamant that surgery was not my best option (although they all had diametrically opposed propositions on how to best deal with my problem). Chiropractor #1 said my hip was ‘an angry dog’ and we didn’t want to get the dog any angrier, so he suggested a gentle course of ongoing acupuncture, shock wave therapy and mild mobility exercises (almost all of which focused on my buttocks). The osteopath found that to be irrelevant. She focused on applying mild pressure on my abdomen and lower back as the path to recovery. And then I went to chiropractor #2 and everything changed.

He listened to my story and proceeded with what I can only describe as a prison boot camp regimen. I have a high pain threshold (which often gets me under-treated or under-diagnosed as in this hip saga scenario) but I almost walked out 5 minutes in. He pushed and pulled and stretched and cracked me to what seemed like my certain breaking point. I thought I’d stumbled upon a pain-seeking sociopath. And yet … his walls were adorned with no less than 100 signed accolades from professional and Olympic athletes he’d apparently worked with.

After an hour of what seemed like unending torture, he had me do the same exercises he’d done at the outset. And lo and behold, my range of motion had increased dramatically. I still hurt, but I could move more freely. Apparently, I’d needed some serious myofascial release amongst other unpleasant treatments.

So, who to believe? Which of these established reputable experts to trust? And that brings me to the final point of these lessons learned through my hip fiasco. The answer may well be ‘all and none’. What do I mean by that? The best advice is to first trust yourself. Tap into your inner knowing. Seek out various options, listen, experience them, pay attention to your own responses and trust your internal compass and inner feedback.

Expert advice is important. But don’t fall into the trap of blindly accepting such input. Don’t allow so-called experts (whether in the health arena, in litigation, in business, in personal interactions or beyond) to put your own negotiation practices on hold.

Do your preparation work. Trust in your preparation and don’t allow yourself to be brow-beaten or your confidence to be undermined simply because an expert or purported expert opinion has been presented by the other party in a negotiation. At the same time, be open to receiving new information to weigh as you go.

Negotiate your mindset. Decide who you want to show up as in the negotiation so you won’t be easily thrown off course. Show up with the confidence that comes from having done your preparation work. Allow yourself space to get the clarity you need about your desired outcomes. Remember that you can’t always control external elements, but you can control how you choose to react. And you control your reality, in part, by choosing the meaning you attach to external stimuli. Manage your fear, ego, attachment and reactivity.

[Check out my free No F.E.A.R. Negotiating ebook for more on my No F.E.A.R. model]

A surprise lesson for me from this experience that I wanted to share with you is that we are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes we need to push ourselves outside our comfort zone to get best results. I could barely walk before I left home, and yet I hiked volcanoes, rode zodiacs to penguin colonies and kayaked in the Antarctic (Southern) ocean. I plan to bring this lesson to my daily negotiations in life, both personally and professionally.

Step up. Be brave. Trust yourself before you seek to be trusted by others. Trust in your intuition. Get curious. Ask questions. Even when facing an expert, your input matters. Your perspective matters. Dig until you can reconcile what you believe with what you may hear. You deserve to trust and be satisfied with the outcomes you achieve.

My hip blew out 3 weeks before I was booked for my big adventure to Antarctica. It was the trip of a lifetime, so I wasn’t about to miss it. But I could barely stand upright. I certainly couldn’t walk a straight line as I cantilevered side to side with each step. I hoped it was true that Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

I needed to get this fixed … fast. I needed to get in and out of zodiacs, traipse among the penguins (while not wobbling like one), hike volcano floors, not to mention navigate the heaving ship crossing the infamous Drake Passage. Through this process, I learned some valuable lessons and was served up some powerful reminders about the importance of negotiating for ourselves in all areas of life … even if it means going up against experts. I thought I’d share them with you.

When faced with experts, whether personally or professionally, we often defer to their opinions. We’re less likely to even question positions put forward by proclaimed experts let alone challenge them. This practice does us a disservice. It’s important to explore and raise our awareness about how we interact with experts if we want to negotiate our best lives. My recent hip fiasco was a great reminder for me, and I hope a cautionary tale for you (or at least a thought-provoking exercise that gets you re-examining how you interact with experts).

When my hip kicked out, I started kicking myself as I was reminded about my subpar negotiation when the issue first arose. Because this hadn’t come out of nowhere. In fact, I’m embarrassed to admit that I first noticed twinges of a hip problem five years ago. To my credit, I did go to the doctor and voice my concerns. He did a bunch of flexibility & mobility tests and told me my hip was fine. I reminded him that I was hyper-flexible so perhaps mobility wasn’t the best indicator. I was confident something was wrong. He assured me I was wrong.

I went back the next year with the same complaint as the problem had escalated. I got the same reaction from my doctor and sidled away again with my tail between my legs. And it wasn’t until the next year, when the breathtaking hip kicks were happening more frequently that I insisted I be sent for an MRI. Note that my doctor was still telling me there was no way anything was wrong with my hip given my mobility and flexibility.

Let’s pause here for a moment. As an attorney I negotiate for a living. As the founder of Women On Purpose, creator of HERsuasion™, and author of the Wall Street Journal best-selling book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation™, I like to pride myself on my negotiation prowess. On top of that, I know my body. I knew something was off. My hip would kick out periodically, stopping me dead in my tracks and leaving me momentarily breathless. And yet I didn’t push back in the face of my doctor’s denial. Or not enough.

I should have known better. Heck, the ’A’ in my A.R.E. F.I.T. model is for ‘assertiveness’. And while I brought rapport-building and empathy to the table in my doctor’s visits, I apparently left my assertiveness out in the waiting room. This happens often when we deal with experts in a particular field. We yield our power.

We do this in our health care, in our businesses, in politics and our personal lives. Even when our intuition tells us we’re right. We doubt ourselves. We stifle the ‘I’ and the ‘T’ from our A.R.E. F.I.T. model – intuition and trust. While it’s important to learn to build trust in negotiations, it’s equally (if not more) important to trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Tap into your inner knowing.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Get curious. We rob ourselves of our effectiveness as negotiators when we don’t question. This is true whether dealing with our healthcare or business or beyond.

While I’m hesitant to raise the issue given its ongoing polarizing impact, COVID was a great example of this. Medical experts were touted in the media daily and these positions were uniformly accepted as irrefutable. Obvious questions were not being asked and much power was ceded. Yet, there were thousands of experts, with wildly divergent opinions and viewpoints on various aspects of this layered and complicated issue whose voices were not heard or meaningfully considered. As a result, many critical factors and long-term cross-over and ripple consequences were not discussed or considered as fully as one would have hoped.

This phenomenon is interesting and puzzling to me as history is replete with examples where hailed experts were later proven to be wrong. Experts believed the earth was flat and those who challenged the idea were ridiculed. Experts decried the idea that the earth rotated around the sun. Medical experts believed that leeches and bloodletting were legitimate cures for many ails. They also extolled that menopausal woman were suffering from hysteria and countless women were institutionalized as a result.

Had people not been willing to trust their own inner knowing, or at least pose questions to test and challenge and satisfy themselves, none of these profoundly mistaken belief systems would have changed. I raise this by way of encouraging you to face any hesitation you may feel in dealing with experts in your negotiations. Respect them, but recognize they are not infallible. Also, do your homework and come prepared to question, to challenge where appropriate, to learn, to grow, to seek best outcomes. Frankly, an expert who is not open to such dialogue ought to raise red flags.

Hopefully I’ve piqued your interest in exploring how you interface with experts in your negotiations. Stay tuned next week as we continue on this journey and I share more lessons learned on how to trust yourself in your negotiations, even and especially when negotiating with experts.

Is the new ‘feminine’ approach to negotiations (and life) a myth that is doomed to failure? Watching the new hit T.V. show, Alpha Males, reminded me of why I started down this path to reframe negotiations. It also got me to thinking about the challenges in making the transition. We’re facing a chicken and egg scenario where it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole if we don’t bring transparency, vulnerability, and intention to the dialogue (and process).

I built my reputation as an attorney based on an aggressive approach. My clients called me the Barracuda. I made people cry in cross-examination. I didn’t yield or cede. These were seen as my advantage and the source of my power and success. But there was a high cost that came with that approach. When I slowed down to explore its origins, I had my epiphany that everything we’ve been taught about success, power, conflict, and negotiation were based on myths that likely led to the current state of imbalance in the world. And so started my mission.

In my book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to Get What You Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom, I explore some of the deep-seated conditioning that led to the current competition-based model. I explore how that model disadvantages women and holds them back from stepping into the full force of their authentic power. My models are not gender-based and I believe they benefit men, women and all the spaces in between.

And so, I agonized over whether to use the term ‘feminine’ at all, and whether to write the book for broad application. The message was important for everyone. However, as I researched the unconscious biases and blocks that inform our current models, I felt strongly that women, in particular, had been disadvantaged. I decided to address the so-called masculine/feminine divide head-on to raise awareness about the issue. I also decided that there were some gender-specific issues around conditioning that were better served with books targeting each audience separately.

The new Netflix Alpha Males show reinforces for me why it’s important to write my sequel on The Art of Feminine Negotiation: For Men. The show is a social satire, following the challenges of four 40-something Spanish ‘alpha’ males as they attempt to navigate the changing world and gender roles and expectations. It’s a clever show that highlights the inherent problems in a transition of social mores.

The four best friends, each facing the impact of shifting gender expectations in different ways, all enroll in a course on deconstructing ‘toxic masculinity’. Each has varying levels of resistance, with one going so far as to create his own course on bringing back male virility. And so, the battle lines are drawn. The show perfectly captures the push-back reflex to be expected in any period of social change. It also captures the deep hold of old conditioning and how it reinforces polarizing views that are sure to swell as we challenge it.

Ignoring this reality and pushing a new agenda without inclusion and sensitivity dooms any attempt at meaningful change. The very conditioning that led to the system being re-examined will necessarily create a counterforce. Attempts to undo old models will be met with pushback based on mindsets formed under the old culture. This resistance will inevitably come from both ‘sides’, including those who stand to benefit most from the change.

By contrast, if there is open dialogue, with inclusivity and invitations for engagement, without blame or judgment, then the space is opened to effect meaningful change. Instead of pushing against each other, what if, instead, we pushed up to a higher understanding and impact that better benefits all? In fact, at its heart, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™. Bringing empathy, compassion, and understanding to the table, truly listening to the needs of all parties, building rapport and trust, will invariably yield better outcomes.

So, is the new ‘feminine’ approach to negotiations (and life) a myth that is doomed to failure?

No. I believe it’s the very path that will save us by becoming the best possible version of ourselves.

Get What You Deserve

The average person spends an inordinate amount of money on insurance over the course of a lifetime, whether for home (or renters), auto, life, and disability coverage. When you factor in health care or benefits coverage the numbers get even higher. And for some, there’s additional coverage required for toys like boats, snowmobiles, ATV’s, etc. Then there’s additional riders required for high end jewelry, art, etc. Suffice it to say, we invest a lot of money to cover our proverbial derrieres.

Yet how much time do you spend negotiating the terms of these important coverages? Or, in the event you need to file a claim, do you negotiate to ensure you get everything you’re entitled to? If you’re like most people, you accept the policies recommended by your broker – no questions asked – or worse, you purchase a policy online with no actual discussion about terms. Let’s make sure you actually receive the benefits of the coverage you seek.

I invite you to make it a habit to negotiate the terms of your insurance coverage and, in the event you need to file a claim, to negotiate to ensure you get everything you’re entitled to. These are significant investments. It’s important to take control over the expenditure at the front end and to ensure you get what you need. It’s also important to take control over the claims process to make sure you get what you deserve at the back end.

Not all policies are created equal. Not all insurance companies are created equal. Not all adjustors are created equal. Some do not even honour the full range of benefits to which their clients are entitled. In fact, over the course of my career as a social justice attorney, I saw countless cases where insurance companies denied legitimate claims and attempted to avoid payouts to which the insured were entitled.

Don’t be one of the many people who, incredibly, accept these denials at face value, thereby not receiving monies deserved and lining the pockets of the insurance companies in the process. I had one case where the insurer denied a claim for disability benefits, where the claimant had been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer (for which he was receiving aggressive chemotherapy), on the purported basis that there was insufficient medical evidence to support the claim! Needless to say, we were successful in getting his full coverage, but only because we challenged the insurer and insisted on negotiating every single entitlement down to the tiniest detail. Many do not negotiate or challenge these decisions at all, accepting them as unassailable pronouncements.

These decrees (decisions) do not come from on high, handed down like Commandments. You have the right to challenge any adverse decisions and to negotiate to ensure you get what you’re entitled to.

At the front end, make sure you negotiate to get the policies you need. Pay attention to exclusions. Do not accept a policy that excludes coverage you’re likely to need. We sought insurance for our boathouse once only to find (when reading the fine print) that the insurer purported to give ‘all perils’ coverage but actually sought to exclude any and all damage caused by water, ice, natural causes and virtually any of the situations that one would need insurance coverage for re a boathouse on the water.

Pay attention to your liability coverages. Pay attention to how you will be reimbursed in the case of loss. i.e. will you get full replacement value at today’s rates or based on the purchase price or just based on the depreciated value of the item. Pay attention to any and all exclusions. I’ve seen people fail to negotiate out provisions that left them without coverage to actually cover their losses. Or worse yet, I’ve seen people denied coverage altogether on the basis that they fell within a buried exclusion.

Negotiate to get the coverage you need.

At the back end, in the event that you need to file a claim, review your policy and ensure that you receive all the benefits to which you’re entitled. You are not Oliver, begging for a bowl of porridge. Remember these are benefits you’ve paid for and to which you’re entitled. Negotiate your mindset from one of fear or scarcity to one of expectation, abundance, and certainty.

I often see delays in processing claims which leave people without benefits in the interim (i.e. rental cars, early treatment, etc). Be vocal early and often. Keep records of your requests. Insist on reimbursement for items you paid out of pocket while waiting for the insurer to process the claim. Most people walk away from these entitlements.

We once had a kitchen fire (from a faulty dishwasher component). The insurer tried several angles to avoid obligation on the claim based on obscure purported technicalities. They tried to drag their heels. They tried to limit who we could use to do the repairs. They tried to exclude items from coverage altogether. I used the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ A.R.E. F.I.T model, employing rapport-building, empathy, intuition, flexibility and trust-building (all while ensuring I used who I wanted and got what I wanted). But as there was no good faith on their end, ultimately, I had to rely on assertiveness and continue to hold their feet to the fire at every step. Finally, I indicated we’d be filing for litigation and within 24 hours we had full payment on the claim with no further questions asked.

Protect these significant investments by being intentional about how you negotiate them. Negotiate your mindset. Negotiate the terms of your policies. Negotiate to ensure fulfillment. You deserve nothing less.