Category: Personal Development

If you find yourself lamenting the lack of balance in your life and are beginning to believe it’s a myth, an unachievable fantasy, then read on! In this series, we offer up simple, game-changing strategies you can invoke to introduce more balance in your life. The key is getting intentional and negotiating this balance so you can focus on the things that matter most to you.

In Part I, we debunked the myth that there’s no such thing as work-life balance; considered who you need to negotiate with; explored what you may be tolerating that’s sabotaging your chance at balance; addressed the importance of saying ‘no’; and rekindled your desire to find purpose.

In Part II, we uncovered enhanced goal setting strategies, discussed being present, knowing your boundaries, and setting your priorities.

Today, we continue with advice on how you can maintain that seemingly elusive and delicate balance by tackling how you can better manage your time.

VIII Time Audit

In the last article I shared the vase experiment and reminded you of the importance of ensuring that you get your ‘big rocks’ (priorities) into your vase of life each day. To help you out with that, I invite you to do a time audit. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable but it’s worth the effort.

For one week, take an audit of everything that you do. Audit your time like a lawyer – track it in six-minute increments (yes, we actually do that). Every hour has 60 minutes. So, every six minutes is 0.1 of an hour. Diligently track where you’re spending all your time. Include the time you work, sleep, run errands, do dishes, housework, surf the internet, watch T.V., entertainment time, etc. Whatever you do, audit and record it for a full week.

At the end of the week, examine where your time is going. If you’re looking for more balance and harmony in your life, it’s critical to know where your time is currently going. If you’re like most people, you’ll be shocked at the inordinate amounts of time disappearing on things you would never have characterized as priorities.

Then I invite you to break down your audited time into three categories: (i) things you love to do, (ii) things you don’t mind doing, and (iii) things that you really do not enjoy. Take each of the entries from the week prior and place them under the appropriate category. Again, if you’re like most people, you’re in for a rude awakening about the amount of time you spend doing things you don’t enjoy at all.

To redress that disconnect, find a way to eliminate, delegate or automate those items under the ‘don’t like’ column. Get them off your list. Learn to say ‘no’. Free up time for more yeses to things you love.

     Eliminate

               Delegate

                       Automate

Your calendar ought to reflect your priorities. Once you start acting with more intention in this regard, you will become more equipped to say ‘no’. It’s empowering to have your priorities scheduled in writing. And it allows you more comfort to say ‘no’ based on scheduled prior commitments consistent with your real-life priorities.

IX Energy Audit

In conjunction with the time audit, I also like to recommend an energy audit. As you explore those activities that take up your time in the week, also make note of which activities give you energy versus those that drain your energy. Evaluate whether the energy expenditure is worthwhile and if it adds value to your life.

Ensure that you are leaving energy for those priorities that most matter to you. And at a minimum, get intentional about building in time to replenish energy between activities. In other words, build in proactive recovery time to ensure you can always show up as the best version of yourself, not depleted or exhausted. In addition to allowing for rest time, ensure you build in re-energizing activities into your schedule. In that way, you can increase the balance and harmony in your life.

X Time Blocks

As you’re getting more intentional about your time and how and where you spend it, I also recommend you consider building time blocks into your routine. For most people 90-minute blocks are the optimal stretch to remain at full focus and productivity. Beyond that, our attention and effectiveness begins to dwindle. You can use that knowledge to your advantage.

In addition to determining your life priorities (as discussed above), each day, determine your daily priority projects. Once you’ve determined those priorities, set 90-minute blocks of time for each. This allows you to remain focused on each project and allows breaks between projects to replenish and re-energize.

Note that they’re called time ‘blocks’ for a reason. During each time block, ensure you do not allow any other distractions. Do not answer your phone. In fact, turn off the ringer. Silence notifications on your computer, laptop, and other devices. Notify everyone that these are ‘do not disturb’ times.

For every distraction or disturbance, it takes the average person ~20 minutes to refocus according to studies. It’s amazing how much more productive you’ll be when you allow yourself the luxury of blocked time. With more productivity and efficiency comes increased balance and harmony.

This week we focused on simple tricks for time & energy management to help improve your balancing act. We’ve offered some tools so you can make conscious, guilt-free choices about where you spend your time so you can manage your schedule with greater ease and fulfillment.

Stay tuned next week for our final installment as we tackle internal blocks, environment and comfort zones to leave you better positioned to find more balance and harmony in your life.

If the teeter-totter of your work-life balance always seem to have you at one extreme or the other and the prospect of finding the sweet spot seems out of reach, then this series is for you. In Part I we kick-started the path to negotiating balance and harmony with some simple strategies to allow you to take control of your life so you can focus on the things that matter most to you. In addition to debunking the myth that there’s no such thing as balance and considering who you need to negotiate with, we explored what you tolerate, saying ‘No’, and finding purpose. Today we continue with more hot tips on how you can maintain better balance in your life.

IV  Setting Goals

In Part I, I mentioned our Purpose Planner as a valuable tool to help you achieve purpose (and with it balance). One of the things we cover in our Purpose Planner to ensure a balanced life is categories for goal setting. For most of us, there’s one area in our life where we focus on goal setting (i.e. career or romance or health). We tend to approach the task with a narrow focus. I invite you to start broadening that lens. Get intentional about setting goals in every category of your life.

If you’re looking for balance you need to ensure you are growing, and fully living into every area, including:

• health & fitness,
• wealth & finance,
• mission & vision,
• emotional & mental wellbeing,
• growth & learning,
• intimate or romantic relationships,
• family & friends,
• experiences & quality of life,
• spiritual,
• career (if that’s not already covered under mission & vision).

Set achievable goals in each of these areas and check in regularly to ensure you’re on target. In this way, you’ll notice if you’re lacking in one or more areas before it’s too late.

V  Be Present

As you seek to maintain a state of balance, I invite you to be fully present in the now. Be mindful. We live in a very ‘to-do’ world, where we’re often rushing here and there, grabbing fast food on the way. We don’t take the time to be present, to fully experience each moment and enjoy the journey. This week I challenge you to be more present. Experience and enjoy each meal, focusing on the flavours in each bite. When you have conversations, be present, be there, be fully engaged as you listen. As you drive, truly take in your surroundings along the way. Invoke and tune in to all five senses.

Allowing yourself to be engaged in each moment will create a sense of balance in and of itself. When you live each moment in that way, a state of balance becomes a way of being.

VI  Know Your Boundaries

In Part I, we talked about the importance of being able to say ‘no’. An important part of that is knowing your boundaries. What are your non-negotiables in life? Those things that you are not going to give up on, not going to compromise on. We often forget to be intentional about that. If you don’t know them you will get what you tolerate and it can be a slippery slope, easy to lose the balance necessary to live into our fullest lives.

Often, we overextend ourselves out of fear of being seen as not able to handle it all, judged deficient. We want to be seen as superwomen. That motivates us to say ‘yes’ to people and things that do not serve us and that we don’t even enjoy doing.

Also, consider that you don’t have to be the person who responds positively to every request. You can move the goal back onto the lap of the person who raised it. You can refer them to someone else who could benefit from the referral and opportunity in a classic win-win.

Think of each request you get as a negotiation. Recognize that you can say ‘no’. We often complain that we don’t have enough time. It’s a choice. Gaining time back means negotiating with ourselves and others. Always consider if saying ‘yes’ moves you forward toward your own goals and vision.

I invite you to schedule time in your calendar this week to contemplate your boundaries. You also need to know your priorities to set appropriate boundaries. So, let’s talk about that next.

VII  Know Your Priorities

Do you have a clear sense of your priorities? Do you ensure that you live into your priorities each day? If you’re like most people, you likely spend most of your time doing things that you would not list as priorities in your life.

I love the vase experiment as a beautiful metaphor for life. If you haven’t seen it, here’s how it works. Take a large vase and place big rocks in it until you hit the rim. You’ll think the vase is full. But if you add smaller rocks, they find their way around the big rocks and fill to the top. You’ll think the vase is full. But if you dump in little pebbles, they work their way around the rocks until you’re convinced the vase is full. If you pour in a bucket of sand, sure enough it can fill the cracks and crevices until it appears impossible to add anything more. Yet if you pour in a jug of water, the sand absorbs the water and takes it in.

If you think of those rocks as the priorities in your life, those big rocks are things you most value, your top priorities. If you don’t put those big rocks in first, every day, you won’t have room for them. Because when you do the vase exercise in reverse (i.e. start with the water, then put in sand, then pebbles, then smaller rocks) you will not have room for the big rocks.

I invite you to think about applying this principle in your life. Know what your priorities are, your big rocks, and make sure you make and take time to get your big rocks into your vase, this one life you’ve been given, every day. Otherwise, you’ll fill your days with sand and water. To kickstart that process, take a few moments now to list those things in your life that you consider your priorities. Contemplate whether you are giving them the attention they deserve each day. If not, what can you do to correct that? Stay tuned next week for some practical exercises for how you can manage your time to help live into your priorities.

I hope you’re finding these simple strategies to be helpful on your journey to negotiate balance in your life. If you missed Part I, be sure to check it out so you don’t miss out on any hot tips. And I invite you to join us for next week’s instalment in this series as we continue with life-altering tips and tools to negotiate your well-deserved balance.

Do you feel like you have achieved balance in your life? If you’re like most people, this is probably an area where you struggle. Balance often seems elusive, and it can feel like there’s never enough time. Sound familiar? If so, stay tuned for some insights on how to better achieve balance and harmony so you can focus on the things that matter most to you. The key is to get intentional and negotiate this time and balance. Don’t fret if that sounds unfamiliar. I’ll walk you through it. In this series, we’ll address a few game-changing strategies you can invoke to introduce more balance in your life.

Who you need to negotiate balance with?

The starting point is negotiating with yourself. Sadly, that’s the ‘who’ that’s most often overlooked. You need to believe you deserve balance in your life. It’s critical to dig deep and do the inner work to recognize and own your internal value. Push past blocks that have you believing you don’t deserve and/or that you need to be superwoman (taking care of everything for everyone except yourself).

Recognize that we sometimes use time as an excuse to protect ourselves from doing things that scare us or where there’s internal blocks or resistance. The danger of using these excuses is that we start to believe the lies and they become insidious limiting beliefs that hold us back.

Get comfortable negotiating your mindset. You can choose whether to approach life with a scarcity or abundance mindset. Most people think of these concepts in the context of money, but they also apply to time. You have all the time in the world. We all have the same 1440 minutes each day. You get to choose how you use them. [We’ll be digging deeper into priorities and other time management strategies later in this series.]

We’re all here on this earth to live the life of our dreams. If not now, when?  What is your relationship to time? Decide what you want it to be.

After you’ve done the inner work and negotiated with yourself, turn your attention to those you work with. Let’s face it, we spend a lot of our waking hour at work, so this is definitely a key area where you’ll want to negotiate boundaries to make sure you have balance.

Also consider friends and family who are probably used to you jumping in and handling everything. It takes intention to break those old patterns.

Is there such a thing as work-life balance?

There’s a lot of talk now that there’s no such thing as a work-life balance. That it’s a myth. I don’t accept that. Rather, instead of seeing it as some idealized state that you aspire to, I invite you to think of balance as a verb i.e. where you’re actively balancing your life every day in every moment and every decision you make.

I think that approach helps us take more accountability and responsibility for having balance in our life rather than a ‘one day’ mindset, where you dream there’s some elusive nirvana state that you may be able to achieve one day and once you get it, you’ve got it for good. Balance takes ongoing intention. That’s why I like the idea of thinking about balance as a verb, where you’re intentional about how you engage in your personal balancing act.

Let’s dig in to some simple strategies you can adopt to start achieving greater balance:

I   You Get What You Tolerate in Life

One starting point self-reflection about your tolerances. Recognize what you are currently tolerating in your life that perhaps you ought not. What habits and patterns are you creating that do not serve you? Much of our time is dedicated to people and things that do not serve us or our vision. Getting balance starts with recognizing those tolerances we’ve become accustomed to that interfere with the highest and best use of our time.

I invite you to start with a consideration of what you are tolerating of yourself. In what areas of your life have you settled for mediocrity? What stories have you been telling yourself that hold you back from stepping into the full force of your power? What limiting beliefs have you bought into that have you feeling unentitled? Are you blocking yourself from receiving? Does fear stop you from setting boundaries?

Once you’ve explored tolerances you need to change for yourself, then expand the lens to consider what you’re tolerating of other people in your life that perhaps you ought to reexamine? What expectations have you created in your relationships that interfere with your ability to achieve balance?

If you want to dig deeper on this issue, check out my article You Get What You Tolerate.

II  Just Say ‘No’

Learning to say no is a key skill in maintaining balance in your life. It’s important to teach yourself to get comfortable with the word no, because every time you say yes to one thing (to one engagement, to one appointment, to one task, to one favour) that means you’re saying no to something else.

As noted above, we all have the same 1440 minutes in every day. You have control over how you spend those minutes. Every time you say yes to something you don’t really feel like doing and/or that doesn’t serve you, you’re actually taking that time away from something else you could be doing that may better serve you in moving towards your personal goals, instead of taking care of everyone else’s.

When you learn the power of a positive no, you start the path to increased balance in your life.

As women in particular, ‘no’ is a word we often fear and resist. If you have resistance to saying ‘no’, I invite you to desensitize yourself to the word, get rid of the fear and the angst that’s associated with the word ‘no’.

For that reason, I loved Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton’s book Go for No. They suggest a simple process where you actively ‘go for no’. Let’s say you’re in sales, for example, and you need to hit a target of 10 sales/day. If you know your conversion rate is 10% (i.e. you’re going to have to ask 100 people to get those 10 sales) then instead of thinking, “I need 10 yeses,” instead think, “I’m going for 100 no’s.” And so starts the loss of inhibitions around the word.

For a deeper dive on the idea, check out my article Overcoming Fear of Negotiation by Going For No.

III   Finding Purpose

If you want to fast-track your path to balance, find purpose. I’m the founder of Women on Purpose. I feel passionately about helping people find their purpose. That mission started me down this journey to help people negotiate their best life. And I invite you to do that. Do what you love, love what you do.

Rediscover and tap into your unique gift so you live into your purpose every day. This allows you to find that seemingly elusive balance.

This is one of the reasons we created our Purpose Planner. It was total passion project. This is not your typical ‘to do’ planner. Instead, every day it inspires you to design the life you deserve, prioritizing what’s most important and moving towards living a more purposeful life.

If you’ve never looked at our Purpose Planner, I encourage you to check it out. It is worth the investment to live your best life more intentionally.

Be sure to join us for next week’s instalment in this series as we continue with life-altering simple strategies to negotiate balance in your life.

Have you ever backed down in a negotiation or felt your power dwindle because someone tried to shame you, or guilt you? Is it easy to trigger you and get you off course from achieving your objectives? Is self-esteem an issue that holds you back? It wasn’t long ago that we rarely heard negotiation experts or academics talk about the role of emotion in negotiations. The focus was primarily on tactics, strategies, and skills. Emotion was thought to have no role in negotiations.

Now, much attention is given to the role of emotion in how we negotiate and the outcomes we achieve. EQ – or emotional intelligence – is the new buzz term in the industry with good reason. Our emotional state can profoundly impact on our success (or lack thereof) in our negotiations.

Confidence is key in negotiations. When our self-esteem is under attack (either internally or externally) and/or we buy into feelings of shame or guilt in a negotiation, our fight, flight or freeze fear response is triggered. This blocks the clarity required for best negotiated outcomes.

In fact, studies on the impact of anxiety in negotiations showed that those experiencing anxiety were easier to manipulate and engaged in a range of self-sabotaging behaviour including accepting advice from those known to have a conflict of interest, leaving more on the table, leaving negotiations earlier and generally being more tentative.

Some negotiators may feel shame or guilt themselves and attempt to project it onto you. Some, however, intentionally seek to guilt, shame or otherwise undercut the self-esteem of their negotiation counterparts as a tactic to gain advantage. Women, in particular, have been subject to shaming for advocating for themselves. Note this doesn’t just come from men as against women, but also includes women attempting to shame or guilt other women, and even our own self-shaming and guilting.

It’s important to do the inner work to own your own value and practice unconditional self-love. Give yourself permission to be wholly, authentically who you are. Seek to get the goal you’re looking to achieve while staying true to yourself.

This issue of authenticity sometimes shows up in whether we bring our masculine or feminine energy to the table. We all have both masculine and feminine energy. For too long though, we’ve been conditioned to define success based on masculine, competitive models. This can result in us showing up with a ‘take no prisoners’ competitive style that may not be natural or authentic to us. I was guilty of this approach for many years. I got great outcomes, but at a high personal cost. At the other end of the spectrum, it can cause us to back away from negotiations altogether, fearing the potential conflict. Added to that, we’re also conditioned as women to be selfless nurturers and caregivers, so advocating for ourselves can seem taboo. For more on this, see my TEDx talk on the Rise of the Feminine Voice.

Recognize the fears and triggers that show up for you and be intentional about how you choose to react. Be intentional about who you choose to show up as. Consider this part of your preparation process. Additionally, consider who the other party may show up as and prepare how you’ll address it. That way, you’ll be less likely to end up in reactive mode and better able to maintain the clarity you need to stay focused on best outcomes.

If you have struggled with self-esteem, shame, or guilt issues in your negotiations, don’t beat yourself up about it. Awareness is always the key starting point to effective change. Recognize that you’re not alone. There is deep generational conditioning that contributes to feeling ‘less than’ or undeserving. Heck, it’s only recent history that women were able to hold property, vote or even be recognized as persons in the eyes of the law in many jurisdictions.

The beauty is that it’s never too late to choose a change, to make a decision to push past the conditioning to a more empowered state. The more we push outside our comfort zone, the more competence we acquire. As we get more competence, we increase our confidence. With more confidence comes more willingness to push even further outside our comfort zone, and so we acquire ever-increasing competencies, and with them, increased confidence. This is known as the competence-confidence loop.

As we trust in ourselves to try new things, we continue to grow. As we grow, we move from unconscious incompetence, to conscious incompetence, to unconscious competence, to conscious competence. Knowing that this is a natural progression, helps us stick with it when we hit the conscious incompetence stage to push through to the conscious competence.

And don’t be afraid to try on some power poses in the meantime to get you through. Amy Cuddy’s work on this issue is particularly helpful. If you find yourself feeling insecure or suffering a momentary self-esteem dip, simply adopt a power pose for two minutes. i.e. raise your arms in the victory pose, or put your hands on your hips in a Wonder-Woman pose, or any posture that exudes confidence and power. Studies show taking these poses increases our testosterone levels and decreases cortisol levels.

I also advocate that my clients create a ‘Brag List’. Start by listing 25 things you love about yourself. Include attributes, qualities, accomplishments, characteristics, etc. Every night, just before you go to sleep, when your subconscious is most receptive to take in information and process it, read over your ‘brag list’ and add 5 new things you can brag about. Imagine the cumulative power of allowing your unconscious 8 hours to bask in celebration of yourself. It’s a beautiful way to retrain our brains to embrace more empowering beliefs about ourselves.

All of life is a negotiation. It’s important to get intentional about showing up in your most empowered state to get what you want and deserve. Recognizing where shame, guilt or self-esteem issues are standing in the way of your best outcomes is the first step in redressing the issue.

All of life is a negotiation, but sometimes those negotiations go sour. Are you the type of person who puckers up when faced with those lemons, or do you make lemonade? We can’t control everything in life, but we can choose how we react to unexpected circumstances. Choosing to show up with equanimity, creativity, and composure will go a long way to ensuring you get better outcomes and more of what you want and deserve.

Preparation is important (as we discussed in our series, The Perils of Failing to Properly Prepare for Negotiations). When we prepare, we’re less likely to face surprises that throw us off track. Having said that, things don’t always go as planned. Sometimes things go sideways in a negotiation and no amount of preparation can have us anticipate every possible eventuality. Being able to handle these situations with grace and ease is key to negotiating your best life. Better yet, being able to find the silver lining and come up with an even better solution in these situations is the goal.

To do that requires a positive mindset. Negative reactivity will almost always interfere with your ability to maintain the required clarity to ‘make lemonade’.

Let me give you a few examples for context.

Almost a decade into my career as a lawyer, I had the opportunity to meet the head honcho of one of my relatively new clients. He was the long-time International President of a large international union and I had just started doing work for one of their locals. I was excited about the opportunity to meet him, as it could open the door to much broader prospects for work within the organization which had been difficult to secure up to that point.

I was visibly pregnant at the time. When I was introduced as the local’s lawyer, the President looked at me in confusion.

“You’re pregnant,” he said.

It was immediately apparent that he couldn’t reconcile the idea of this 9-month’s pregnant woman standing before him in the bar where we’d met, as a lawyer at all, let alone for his union.

“Yes, I am,” I responded with a smile. “I’m due any day.”

He looked to my client. “I thought you said she’s the lawyer.”

“Yes, I did,” replied the business rep, his voice wary. “She’s done some great work for us on some really challenging cases recently.”

“Shouldn’t you be at home, getting ready for your baby?” the President asked me without a trace of irony.

I won’t bore you with the play by play after that. Suffice it to say, things got deadly quiet for a moment, and then erupted as everyone talked over each other trying to salvage the situation and it became belatedly apparent to the President that he’d stepped into the proverbial muck.

More importantly for the purposes of this article, instead of becoming irate, defensive, and/or reactive, I was able to capitalize on the moment by touting the benefits of new approaches to old problems as the key to viability of the union’s future. I ended up being appointed as Canadian Counsel to the International, it’s Canadian Council, and most of the provincial locals of the organization – a far more lucrative outcome than I could ever have hoped for. Truckloads of lemonade from that initial pucker-worthy lemon.

Another occasion when negotiations were not going as planned and I was able to turn lemons into lemonade was with an insurance company following a house fire (after our dishwasher had burst into flames one morning due to faulty component parts). The adjustor who’d been appointed by the insurer, kept trying every possible angle to deny us the coverage we were entitled to. When I jumped his head and he’d presumably been directed to ‘play nice’, he ostensibly cooperated, consistently assuring me that a beneficial global settlement was imminent. Yet he still kept balking at multiple line items and stalling the process as the statute of limitations (and with it our right to pursue the matter at all) loomed closer.

Again, rather than sucking on lemons by playing his game and getting mired in the muck (recognizing that he was trying to nickel and dime hoping to gain favour with the insurance company by saving them money) I simply filed a notice of intent to litigate (which would be more costly for the company). Literally the next day, we got a call with a settlement for 100% of the claim we’d submitted with no questions asked (which was more than I had expected to secure in the circumstances as my claim had erred on the generous side to say the least).

Likewise, in another scenario, after successfully bidding on a year-long car lease at a local fundraiser, we faced a series of interminable delays by the car dealership, who seemed to be trying to wiggle out of their commitment to honour the vehicle offered. Rather than getting angry, or demanding, or confrontational, I instead chose to show up with empathy, building rapport and trust, trusting my intuition, and remaining flexible, while still being assertive (my ARE FIT model). In the end, it paid off. I was able to purchase a new luxury version of the car at a steal of a deal – a far better outcome than the initial one-year lease I’d bid on.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that sometimes deals that don’t come together at all can be blessings in disguise (as Garth Brooks reminds us in his “Unanswered Prayers” song). Many times, the deal I thought I wanted (or a client wanted) turned out to be total lemons. Recognizing the blessing of those deals going south, and trusting that another (better) deal is around the corner, is another way to make lemonade in your negotiations.

I invite you to think of a negotiation you’ve had where you were able to make lemonade out of lemons. Think of negotiations you have on the horizon. How might you apply the skills you brought in those cases or lessons learned to be ready to make lemonade no matter what gets thrown your way.

As I was writing my Art of Feminine Negotiation book, people challenged me about focusing on women. But I felt strongly that women have faced unique challenges in the realm of negotiation that men have not experienced … or at least not to the same degree. I hope to even the playing field by speaking to the elephant in the room. To that end, in interviewing other negotiation experts, I often ask what special advice or tips they have for women as negotiators. Here is a brief summary of some answers that I thought might serve you.

Isaac Betancourt

Former Hostage Negotiator & Trainer

Isaac Betancourt had this to say about his advice when training women hostage negotiators:

“Just be a human being. Be yourself. At that point, you’re more relaxed because you’re being your authentic self. You’re thinking about the goal, which is to save lives. If you’re trying to be somebody else, you’re making it about you. You’re concentrating on having to keep this persona, to give a particular impression, and that becomes your first goal. And whatever you actually want to obtain becomes the second goal. When your first goal is to keep up a persona at all costs, you’re already taking away from the real goal.”

Note: this advice applies equally whether in hostage negotiation, corporate negotiations or personal negotiations.

Always be your authentic self, don’t make the negotiation about you, and keep your focus on the outcome sought.

Paul Nadeau

Former Hostage Negotiator and International Peacekeeper

When asked what advice he had for women as negotiators, Paul Nadeau said:

“I have two things to say about that. The first one is that we are more similar than we are different. The person sitting across from me laughs, loves, leads the same way, may have a family just like me, may have a different colour skin, different religious beliefs, different whatever, but they are more similar. They are human beings. They’re my brother and my sister. So we are more similar than we are different.

The second one is, we get what we give. Don’t focus on the things that you can’t control. Focus on the moment, the things you can control: how you ask questions, how you deliver, how you engage. The pivot point is believing in yourself and believing the world is going to work out because you’re going to make it work out.”

Dr. Michele Williams

Business School Negotiation Professor

“I like to remind women that women are smart. It’s not so much that they don’t ask, it’s that they’ve learned in the corporate structure not to ask. They’ve been getting backlash, told they’re too pushy or too greedy or too selfish, and they learn not to ask. Then they’re disadvantaged by that.

I think that a lot of times women just need to draw on their innate strength because when they negotiate on behalf of others … for their children, family, community organizations … they’re tough negotiators.

Set high aspirations in the workplace and realize there are negotiation strategies that can really help them be effective. One of my favorite strategies (from Amy Cuddy’s work on presence) is using strong non-verbals. Women get more pushback for their language than they do for their non-verbals. When women come confidently into the room and speak calmly, that show of assertiveness is very helpful.

The second thing I have them do is think about themselves as if they were their friend and list all the things they would argue about why this person needs the raise or should have this challenging role. When they think of it that way, they have the list, arguments, and confidence in recognizing, ‘Yes, I’ve really contributed a lot to this firm. I’ve hit these metrics. I’ve contributed this to the bottom line. I’ve satisfied these really difficult clients,’ and being able to have that in mind when they come for the ask.”

Pam Lester

Former Sports Attorney

“The trick is not to show your fear, and not to feel that you have to fill the air. So, if you need time to regroup and to think, I think that’s fine. And the other thing is that if you don’t know something, I believe it’s okay to say you don’t know. That’s much better than talking, and you might end up getting yourself in trouble. And, of course, be open to calling in help. You can always take a break. It’s like calling a time-out on the sports field and get advice or regroup or do what you need to do.”

Joanna Shea

Negotiation Consultant

“In project management, there’s something called RACI. It stands for responsible, accountable, consulted, informed. When you run a project, you need to know who the stakeholders are. I take the RACI template and apply it to negotiations. You need to have a process to track your data because you need to keep it organized.

Also, begin with the end in mind. Consider what you want this to look like in the end.”

Jacqueline Twillie

Salary Negotiation Coach

“We’re taught to believe that if you want to be successful, you’ve got to be the toughest nail. You can’t be kind and empathetic because the nice woman gets the short end of the stick. So that unconsciously plays in her mind. And it’s not true.

Think of it as if you’re negotiating for someone else. When you’re negotiating your salary, think about your family or whatever makes you tick. That has proven to help women really move the needle. But it comes down to mindset. It goes back to unlocking our cultural norms and these unconscious things we picked up generation after generation.”

Leah Murphy

Executive Career Coach

Asked about advice for women negotiating salary increases, Leah Murphy had this nugget to offer:

“I think you have to understand what the priorities of the organization are. If the priority is bringing in new business and that’s a top priority, see how you can align the work you do with the organization’s priorities. Make a really clear association between what you do and how it benefits the organization. Focus on how your work associates directly with something that is of value to the organization.”

Tej Brahmbhatt

Wall Street Investment Banker

“For females negotiating with males, if they’re not respecting your space simply because you’re female, assume they’re outdated or archaic. Treat them like you would a narcissist, a bully, or someone with power who is not in your best interest. You want to somewhat acquiesce to their ego.

Here’s an example of how to approach them, so you’re calling it out, but tactfully, so you can get buy-in. As a woman pitching a male-dominated firm, say:

‘Listen, if we can do this venture, here’s something we noticed from our research. I know it’s not a direct result of your policies and procedures and how you operate, but you folks have done so many deals with male dominated companies. We wanted to work with you because we have so many ideas that would fit your ethos for the next generation. You folks talk about sustainability. What better sustainable approach than to get involved with our firm, a 100% female owned and operated business? It does two things. Think about the marketing you get from our entire following of empowered women all over the globe. Two, you folks can bring so much to the table because you’ve been around longer than us. I think that’ll be a powerful JV.”

These are just a few gems from my interviews with negotiation experts and their views on tips for women in negotiations. As all of life is a negotiation, I feel passionately that this skill is necessary to negotiate your best life. I hope this brief share has helped inspire you in some way to show up as the best version of yourself in your next negotiation.

Power. Everyone wants it. Or at least we’re conditioned to crave it. To worship at its altar. From politics to finance to office (or even schoolyard) dynamics, everyone seems to seek it. Heck, our entertainment industry has us cheering on anti-heroes who lust for power at any cost. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions. We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold or exert power. I’d like to debunk some of those misconceptions and reframe how you look at power so you can come to the bargaining table to increase your power in constructive ways.

Power Over vs Power With

When you first think of power, what comes to mind? We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with. This is not surprising in a world where we have been increasingly conditioned to define success based on a competitive, masculine model. In fact, the Miriam-Webster dictionary defines power as: “possession of control, authority or influence over others” – as if we own control over others.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

What power levers can you bring to the table for better outcomes? How can you increase your power in constructive ways?

Power of Purpose

Let’s start with the Power of Purpose. When you tap into your innate gift and use it for the purpose it was intended, you wield tremendous personal power and the ability to effect profound change and influence in the world. Whenever you approach a negotiation, I invite you to ground yourself in a sense of your deeper purpose and show up from that place.

Power of Collaboration

Added to that, when you show up recognizing the power of collaboration, you open yourself and your negotiating counterpart to opportunities for better outcomes than either would have achieved on their own. The power of multiple brains, working together, firing ideas off each other, inspiring each other to greater heights is a tremendous advantage in finding best outcomes.

Power of Service

Taking collaboration one step further, there can be much power in coming from a mindset of service. In other words, when you can release ego, and seek to serve others, it changes how you show up and with it, the dynamic of a negotiation. While it may seem counter-intuitive, when you approach your negotiations (and life) from a place of service to others, ironically, you’re more likely to get more for yourself in the process.

Power of Proximity

Always be mindful of the power of proximity. Curate your ‘inner circle’. When you surround yourself with people who inspire, lift you up, and encourage you to be the best version of yourself, you will step into a more powerful version of yourself. Likewise, try to cull those in your life who sabotage your confidence, create drama or otherwise drag you down. Our best outcomes depend in part on the people we choose to connect with.

Psychological Power

Your mindset can either give you great power or take it away. Check in with yourself to determine if you seek your sense of value and worth externally or if you own it internally. When you seek validation externally, you give away your power. Practice unconditional self-love so you can show up in any negotiation from a place of unshakable personal power.

Tied to that, check in whether you come from a scarcity mindset (i.e. there’s a fixed pie and I need to fight to get my piece of it) or an abundance mindset (i.e. we can expand the pie to make it as a big as best serves all).

Power of BATNA

On a more practical note, never under-estimate the power of your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). As part of your preparation process for any negotiation, know what your alternatives are in the event the deal at hand didn’t come together. Knowing this gives you great leverage and/or at least allows you to realistically assess the edges of your resistance point. For more info on BATNA – what it is and how to use it – check out my article, Know Your BATNA Before Bargaining.

Power of High Aspirations & Expectation

Studies suggest that those who set their aspirations high in a negotiation get better outcomes. Be intentional from the outset about setting high goals and anchoring high. Be sure to do the inner work necessary to also believe in your ability to get those higher outcomes. The law of attraction would suggest that your genuine expectation of better outcomes will be more likely to attract those results in the same way that a belief you can’t secure your desired outcome will tank your effectiveness.

Tied to that, check in to see if you suffer from a fear of success. This is the oft-ignored sister to fear of failure. Do you ever find that you hit a certain level of success and then plateau or self-sabotage? At some level, you may fear success and what it means to your current life and relationships. This fear can be a major power suck. Marianne Williamson’s famous quote on this is worth a moment’s reflection:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Role Power

You can bring more (or less) power to a negotiation depending on what role you show up in. We often make the mistake of assuming that the ‘higher’ title will wield more power. This is not always true. A C.E.O. can sometimes get more from staff, for example, when they show up as a ‘caring co-worker’ than when they wave their authority flag. In our personal relationships as well, I’ve found I can often get more traction and better outcomes in dealing with my kids when I don’t come in full-on ‘mom’ mode. Be intentional about the role you ‘wear’ in a given negotiation. Choose the role that will secure best outcomes.

If you haven’t been intentional about how to get or use power in your negotiations, don’t fret. It’s never too late to learn how to get and use power effectively. I hope these simple reframes have afforded you the opportunity to think about power differently and in so doing to show up as the most powerful version of yourself in your next negotiations.

How do you react when you face-off with an angry person? Do you shrink or shy away, avoiding the conflict? At the other end of the spectrum, do you get your game-face on and dish it back? Or do you have strategies in place to manage dealing with these situations with intention? We all find ourselves in this situation at some point. What if you could reframe how you see these interactions? Instead of seeing these moments as a hindrance, as horrible experiences to endure (or avoid), what if you could see them as a means to gather valuable information and a means to a successful negotiation outcome?

First let’s explore the 3 key reasons you’re likely to end up negotiating with an angry person.

(i)         The Other Party is Using Anger as a Negotiation Tactic

Recognize that sometimes people feign anger as a negotiation tactic. They use anger, with intention, to get you to acquiesce or make you feel guilty as a means to get their desired outcome. Be on guard for this tactic. Watch for both verbal and non-verbal cues to determine if the anger is authentic or tactical. Trust your intuition. Ask questions.

You may wonder why someone would resort to this tactic. Sadly, research shows that people who use anger in their negotiations get better negotiated outcomes. Now let me be clear. I am NOT advocating that you use this as a strategy. Quite the opposite. I’m sharing these research results so you can protect yourself against falling victim to it. Trust that better outcomes are waiting for you when you adopt some of the strategies we’ll discuss in this article.

(ii)        The Other Party Views Negotiation as a Win/Lose Proposition

We have been conditioned to see negotiations as competitive exercises where ‘winning’ is the goal. When your counterpart shows up from this place, they’re more likely to revert to anger in the negotiation process. Sadly, when we see negotiation as a win/lose proposition we miss out on valuable opportunities to find better solutions for all. When you face someone coming from this place, know you can help get them to a more collaborative approach if you show up with intention and use some of the approaches we suggest here.

(iii)       The Other Party Misunderstands What You’re Trying to Do

Misunderstandings often lead to angry reactions. Stay tuned to determine how you can work with someone to see collaboration and its benefits the same way you do.

Recognize that anger isn’t always directed at you. Often the other party is angry about circumstances. Even the circumstances may have nothing to do with you or the negotiation at hand. In my experience, angry people are often coming from a place of fear. Empathy and curiosity can be powerful antidotes to that. Allowing yourself to show up with empathy, truly seeking to understand the other party, will help identify this and make room for better responses. My No F.E.A.R. preparation model helps redress this.

Here are some quick Do’s when dealing with an angry person in negotiations.

First, let’s tackle the ‘inner’ do list i.e. how you show up:

Inner Do’s:

• Be prepared – do your homework, including anticipating how you can respond to an angry counterpart; explore their triggers, etc. in advance whenever possible.
• Know your why – know your deep ‘why’ that’s driving the negotiation/issue for you. It can help keep you focused on the outcome and stay out of reactive mode.
• Self-regulate – don’t respond in kind. Take a breath. Ground yourself in a reminder of ‘who’ you want to show up as. Consider where the anger is coming from so you can respond most appropriately and productively.
• Remain courteous and respectful – rather than getting reactive, when you treat the other party with dignity and respect you model best behaviour and can trigger reciprocity.
• Stay focused and calm – don’t allow someone else’s anger to cause you to lose the clarity you need to secure best outcomes for you.
• Practice empathy – seek to understand the other person’s position, their needs (both stated and unstated) and what drives them.
• Separate the person from the problem – avoid personalizing the process – stay focused on the issues at hand and try to bring the discussion back to best ways to get the best outcome.
• Know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) [For more on this check out my article on Know Your BATNA]

Here are some ‘external’ do’s you can try on during the negotiation itself:

External Do’s:

• Get them to agree with you i.e. summarize their position.
• Get curious. Ask questions.
• Practice active listening.
• Put your needs into their words – they’ll want to know what’s in it for them.
• Mirror their words.
• Let them think they’re in control.
• Invite them to show up as the best version of themselves (i.e. “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you …”).
• Call it out – speak to elephant in room – not in a way so as to trigger a defensive dig-in but to allow a face-saver for the other party (i.e. “It seems that you’re upset. Is there something I’ve said or done that’s causing this reaction? What can we do to get back on track?”)
• Consider changing the venue i.e. regroup over lunch or go for a walk together to discuss the matter.

Consider the wisdom of Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, each great negotiators in their own right. When faced with anger they didn’t respond from a place of reactivity. They were thoughtful, considerate and compelling. They were strategic and kept the clarity necessary to maximize their chance of influencing the other party to their position through respectful, calm, insightful persuasion. In doing so, they invited the other party to show up as a better version of themselves.

I hope this quick check-list helps next time you find yourself facing an angry person in negotiations.

What if the key to being a better negotiator was as simple as tapping into your inner child? There are a number of areas where adults could learn a thing or two from observing children’s natural negotiation prowess. Sound crazy? What if I told you that experts suggest kids are highly skilled negotiators? A study out of Sweden found that children as young as 2 years old negotiated with clear purpose in their play, showed definite problem-solving strategies, and made genuine efforts to understand their friends’ perspectives.

Can you say the same about your negotiation skills? Particularly around the issue of empathy. The ability to truly put oneself in the shoes of the other party, seeking to understand their position and needs, looking to find creative solutions for everyone, is a foundational cornerstone of effective negotiating, but often missing in our approach.

It’s worth exploring a few of these areas where children shine to remind ourselves of some basic negotiation skills that we unlearned somewhere along the way.

Get Curious

As is obvious to any parent or anyone who’s spent more than a few minutes with a child, children ask ‘why.’ Often. They have natural curiosity and aren’t afraid to keep asking ‘why’ until they get an answer that satisfies. Few adults do the same. How about you? That failure to stay curious adversely impacts on your ability to negotiate effectively.

Digging deep to uncover your why in a negotiation will enhance your ability to influence and persuade. Likewise, seasoned negotiators know the value in considering the deep why driving the other party. Often it’s those hidden, unstated (and sometimes unconscious) needs that really drive a negotiation. Like an iceberg, the stated needs are just the tip visible above the waterline. The bulk, however, lies hidden under the surface. It takes curiosity to discover those driving needs.

Getting curious also leads to getting intentional about asking powerful questions—an essential skill for a masterful negotiator. Contrary to popular belief, the person talking the loudest and longest in a negotiation isn’t winning. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to stop talking if you find that you’re dominating the conversation. Active listening and provocative, targeted questions will go much further in finding creative solutions and securing better buy-in.

Ask, Ask, Ask

Children ask for what they want … over and over again. And children don’t just ask for what they believe is likely to be given, but rather, ask for what they desire regardless of expected outcomes. They ask for more, expect more, and as a result get more. Studies support this approach. People who set higher aspiration levels for themselves tend to get more. Similarly, people who anchor expectations higher (or lower as the case may be) are more likely to get better results.

At some point in life, however, that openness to ask for what we want gets conditioned out ofu us. Fear of the word ‘no,’ fear of rejection, fear of perceived failure, and fear of the unknown inhibit our natural childhood tendencies. It’s a shame. Asking for what you want is critical to negotiating success (both personally and professionally).

One of the key reasons adults (and women in particular) don’t get what they want in life is that they don’t ask. Studies suggest that over 60% of men presented with a starting salary offer will ask for more as compared to only 7% of women. Taking those numbers, 40% of men and a staggering 93% of women are not even asking for more.

Are you asking for what you want and deserve?

Sitting back and waiting to be recognized, rewarded, or given what you want is rarely a recipe for success. Expecting others to read your mind and intuit your needs is similarly a bad strategy. It’s a worthwhile exercise to ask yourself what ‘asks’ you’ve been shying away from in daily life. And then make a decision to invoke your inner child to ask for more, expect more, and get more.

Don’t Take No for an Answer

Most adults stop negotiating when they hear the word ‘no.’ They assume it signals the end of the discussion. Some negotiation experts, however, assert that ‘no’ is the start of a negotiation, as without some point of contention there is nothing to negotiate about. Interestingly, most children intuitively subscribe to the latter theory. Hearing the word ‘no’ rarely stops them as is evident in candy or toy stores around the world.

Walking away from a ‘no’ is often a sign of conflict aversion. However, what if you reframed how you thought of conflict? What if instead of contemplating misguided dictionary definitions such as “fight, battle, war, competition, incompatible goals, antagonistic state, clash, disagreement”, etc., you chose instead to view conflict as an opportunity for growth, new ideas and alternatives? That reframe makes it easier to step into an assertive mindset and continue to move past the ‘no’ until the issue has been exhaustively explored for creative win-win solutions.

Consider the ‘When’

Timing is everything. Children know this intuitively. You likely remember a time when you waited until your mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that special something, instinctively trying to stack the odds in your favour. And yet, we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are higher. One key part of the preparation for any negotiation is determining the most strategically advantageous timing for the negotiation.

Consider the ‘Who’

Children seem to have an instinct for knowing who is most likely to grant what they want. Whether it’s Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, a sibling, teacher, or otherwise. They know who to ask, who they want ‘in the room’ and who they can play off each other. They also seem to have intuitively mastered the art of knowing ‘who’ to show up as for a given request i.e., the charmer versus the wounded versus the tantrum-thrower. And they usually build rapport naturally, finding ways to establish connection.

As adults, we could learn much from the children in our lives when it comes to the importance of considering the ‘who.’ Deciding, with intention, who you choose to show up as in a negotiation is critical. And it is a choice. Deciding who ought to be involved (or not) in a negotiation is also key, but sadly too often overlooked. Doing the prep work in advance, to know who is on the other side of the proverbial table will pay big dividends. Skilled negotiators will tailor their approach to ensure the right person gets the right message in the right way.

Think Outside the Box

Flexibility is a critical quality for effective negotiation. Rigid attachment to a particular outcome is one of the deadly sins of negotiation. Children are uninhibited enough to unapologetically bring creativity to the table. This creativity allows for expanded opportunities for better solutions, with better buy-in and better relationships. Do you bring creativity to the table when you negotiate?

Final Thoughts

It may give some solace to remember that negotiating is something inherently instinctual and we’ve been doing it since childhood, when we arguably had little, if any, authority to wield. It’s ironic that the way to move forward to become a better negotiator is to move backward to recall your innate, but forgotten skills.

If you want to be a more effective negotiator you need to master the art of preparation. You likely haven’t thought of preparation as an art. It’s something you probably bear, putting your nose to the grindstone, seeing it as a necessary evil. Or maybe you ignore it altogether. If so, allow me to shift your perspective. There’s power in preparation. It gives leverage and increases your ability to influence and persuade.

Because I believe this is one of the most important elements of negotiation, I’ve dedicated a series to the topic. This series is designed to help you up-level those all-important preparation skills. In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model, the first in my trilogy of winning preparation models you can add to your negotiating toolkit. Part III introduced you to the 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating model. Part IV we tackled the 3^rd model in my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ program, my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Today, join me for the fifth and final part of the series.

In advance of digging in though, allow me to clarify how to best use the models you’ve learned to date. In advance of any negotiation or potentially difficult conversation, simple follow the 3 simple models outlined in this series, in the order in which I shared them. In other words, first go through the No F.E.A.R. model. Identify your fears, how ego may show up for you, areas of potential attachment and possible triggers to reactivity. Do the same exercise as it applies to the other party. Next, go through my 5 W model, fully exploring all aspects of the who, what, where, when and why for your upcoming negotiation and how you can best use each to your advantage. Finally, explore my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Consider how you can be assertive while still building rapport, bring empathy to the table, staying flexible, tapping into your intuition and building trust.   If you follow these simple models as a routine part of your negotiation preparation you will be a better negotiator.

Once you’ve gone through each of the models, take time to consider your best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). You’ll want to know what alternatives are open to you if you can’t reach agreement in your negotiation. By the same token, you’ll want to be sure to consider the other party’s BATNA. If they have a better deal in the wings, it may affect how you show up and how you negotiate. For a fuller discussion on BATNA, check out my article on the subject.

It’s also important to calculate your reservation or resistance point. That’s basically your bottom line, the point at which you’d walk away as the deal no longer makes sense for you (subject, of course, to new information or better opportunities that may come to light during the negotiation). Determining this in advance, allows you to maintain clarity as you bargain and not get carried away and bargain past the point where it makes sense. We’ve all been guilty of that at some point in our lives.

Consider the outcomes that you desire. While most people consider the substantive outcomes they want (i.e. the matter of the negotiation or the ‘thing’ you’re negotiating about), many fail to consider or get clarity on the process outcomes i.e. the ‘how’ or means of the negotiation. Sometimes the ‘how’ of the negotiation can be as important as the ‘what’. And finally, even more people fail to consider the relationship outcomes they desire. Sometimes securing the ‘what’ in a particular negotiation is not worth risking the relationship.

Your success in negotiation largely depends on the quality of your preparation. Don’t panic. These new models are simply additional tools in your toolkit. Like anything, it will take practice. So try it on. Have fun with the models. Apply them in your personal and professional life. The more you practice the easier it will become and the faster you’ll be able to do them. They will become habit.

Hopefully, this series has raised your awareness about the inherent value in preparation. And remember, all of life is a negotiation so you can apply these models to great effect in both your personal and professional life. Following this preparation template will get you better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships and longer-lasting agreements.