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Category: Health and Wellness

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Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness Skills

Dear Katherine: My son and his stepfather are no longer speaking

Hello, Conscious Parent! This post is the first installment of “Dear Katherine,” a letter written in response to a real-life question from an anonymous parent/caregiver. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com. 

My teenage son had a massive falling out with my husband, his stepfather. My husband was triggered by my son’s actions, and the whole thing escalated into a fever pitch. Now my son refuses to talk to his stepfather, and my husband refuses to apologize. What do I do? How can I help repair the damage and find a way to move forward?

– Caught in Between

Dear Caught in Between,

It sounds like there’s more than one culprit in this story. Your husband was triggered by something your son said, and he escalated events by reacting to his stepfather’s heightened emotions. So both of them seem to have felt attacked, and both of them were also the attacker.

The first step to healing any wounded relationship is to apologize. But your child shouldn’t be the only one expected to say sorry—your husband has to do so, too.

One of the most common and long-held beliefs I’ve come across in my career as a parenting coach is that adults should never have to apologize to children. This belief assumes that adults are perfect (which we all know we’re not) and never to blame for a household argument.

But refusing to admit wrongdoing tells your kid that they’re not important enough to receive an apology, that perhaps their feelings are insignificant. Children are humans too! And as their caregivers, it’s our responsibility to recognize when we’ve hurt them and to make things right.

You are caught in Between. First, you must explain to both your son and your husband that they both have to apologize. I know you weren’t a part of this mess, to begin with, but you do have the ability to facilitate and lead your family members to reconciliation.

Find some time to talk with your husband about the Guidance Approach to Parenting, a method founded on principles of compassion and empathetic listening instead of obedience and compliance. Tell him how it’s helped you have a better relationship with your son.

Talk to your son. Tell him that his stepfather is a product of generations worth of traditional parenting hard-wiring, and that kind of conditioning can be hard to break. Explain to him that as his mother, you’re trying your best to change old patterns, but it’s a work in progress, and nobody’s perfect.

At the end of the day, Caught in Between, connection is more important than being right. Nobody is right or wrong. Apologizing is about admitting that your actions hurt another person so that you can find a way to balm the hurt and move on as a family.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. For more tips on how to handle discord in the family, listen to my interview “How to Resolve Family Conflicts” with Mindful Mama podcast host, Hunter Clarke-Fields.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Skills Women In Business

Don’t Let Conflicts with Your Kids Spook You This Halloween

Halloween is an important night for kids of all ages.

 

It’s a wonderful social opportunity combined with the chance to exercise their creativity.

 

And of course, let’s not forget about all that candy. 

 

But like many holidays and major events, the excitement of Halloween can also increase conflict between parents and children. And fighting with your kid is a surefire way to derail the spooky fun of All Hallow’s Eve.

 

Here are three scary conflicts you may face this Halloween, and some parenting tips to help you avoid them.

 

Candy, Costumes and Curfews:

Three Conflicts to Avoid

this Halloween

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1. Candy

 

If you have younger children, you’re probably used to doing the same song and dance about their Halloween candy every year. They want to eat all that candy the minute they get home, but you know that will result in a stomachache.

 

And if the candy makes it through the night, they’ll want it for all three meals the next day!

 

Are you just going to throw your hands up in frustration and accept the cavities and belly aches in your future? You don’t have to.

 

Avoid the conflict altogether by talking to your kids before Halloween night about the smartest way to enjoy their candy.

 

Explain why you suggest saving some candy so that they can enjoy it for a longer period of time. Without laying it on too thick, let them know that eating too much candy might make them feel sick.

 

Then, work with your child to create a candy-consumption schedule together. It’s important that your child feels included in this process so that they won’t feel like something important to them is totally out of their control.

 

2. Costumes

 

Halloween costumes can be such a headache for parents. When kids are little, they may not like the costume you choose for them, or they may change their mind at the last minute. Teenagers, on the other hand, might want to venture out of the house in something you find inappropriate.

 

How do you navigate these minefields without causing a blowup?

 

With younger children, you may have to bite the bullet and accept that their whiplash tastes are out of your control. Before buying a costume, encourage your child to help make or pick out part of the costume to fulfill their desire for autonomy.

 

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But if in the eleventh hour they still throw a tantrum because they don’t like their costume, your best bet might be to go along with it. You may get some memorable photos out of whatever they come up with!

 

If you have a teenager, open the dialogue about what constitutes an inappropriate costume and why. Approach them as if you’re picking their brain and offering your opinion. You’ll make the most headway if your teen feels heard and understood, rather than controlled. Show them that they have a say in the decision you come to together.

 

3. Curfew

For parents of teenagers, curfew can be a major point of contention on special occasions. You want to be an understanding parent raising an independent kid, but you also want them to stay safe. Especially on Halloween, a night that’s associated with mischief and other potential dangers.

The best course of action to avoid a conflict is to compromise. If it’s important to your kid, let them stay out a few hours later than normal, provided they are willing to check in with you at the top of the hour or let you pick them up from wherever they are.

This type of agreement will help build trust between you and your teen.

Halloween is such a special night—not to mention a source of positive memories for the whole family. It’s a great opportunity to show your kids what a supportive parent you are. Don’t let the small stuff get in the way!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. If you want to see how other parents navigate special occasions with their kids, join the growing community inside our private Facebook group!

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

What do Trust Issues Look Like?

You want to confide in your friend but you’re not sure she won’t share your deeply personal feelings with someone else.

You’d love to be a team player and a collaborative partner at work but if the person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy, how can you trust your boss, coworker, or partner?

You want to be more open and vulnerable with your partner but you don’t feel safe.

Trust. It’s something that is so foundational.

When trust is shattered, it is really hard to feel safe and secure because trust sets the foundation for our sense of safety and security. So, when that person or people who created that sense of safety and security are the very ones to shatter it, it’s traumatizing.

So many of us don’t regain that sense of trust and we walk around feeling unsafe, insecure, and anxious.

Can you repair trust? I say no. Can you rebuild it? Yes.

Imagine trust being like a brick wall. That wall is built brick by brick by brick and it can take a long time. Every opportunity someone has to show they’re trustworthy represents one brick in the brick wall.

So now imagine the person who built that brick wall shatters the entire wall in one soul-crushing and painful moment. Now, the person whose trust was shattered has every right to look at the brick wall and say; “I don’t have the least bit of interest in watching that thing get rebuilt.” That’s completely fine and with that, they heal themselves and move along. However, if they’re willing to watch that brick wall be rebuilt, the person who shattered that brick wall has to be…a really good bricklayer.

The only way it can be rebuilt is the same way it went up the first time, brick, by brick by brick. Every opportunity that person has to show that they’re trustworthy represents one brick in that brick wall. So, you can see why it would take a lot of time and effort.

Now, what I see many people doing is this. Trust has been shattered. The person who shattered the trust is kind of nonchalant about the whole thing, and the person whose trust was shattered thinks; “This is so hard, so painful, they’re not doing any rebuilding so I’ll rebuild the brick wall” because they’re in pain and it’s uncomfortable. They don’t like the feeling and they just want the painful emotions to go away.

When the person whose trust was shattered is the one who builds the brick wall, you can’t feel safe, you don’t feel secure, your level of anxiety is always high because you don’t know if you can trust that other person.

Left unhealed, we lose trust in ourselves too. We don’t trust our judgment, our discernment, and our ability to know if we’re making decisions that serve us best. Taking it a step further, if we don’t trust the person to who we gave our trust, and we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust in anyone or anything else?

We’re taking all of this on during the Trust Again Challenge. In these times, we do not feel safe, we do not trust, and we need to get back that sense of trust and safety. When we don’t rebuild trust, it impacts every area of life. It prevents us from the relationships, joy, and fulfillment we want most.

With the shattering of trust, we find ourselves stuck. In the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (one of the discoveries made in my Ph.D. study) this is so common to Stage three, the most commonplace to get stuck. Transformation doesn’t even begin until Stages four and Stage five. If you’re having trust issues, there’s a good chance you may be stuck in Stage three and you are holding yourself back from the transformation that you deserve. The hardest part has happened already, you owe it to yourself to move through the Stages. So, if you have any kind of trust issues, know that there’s a really good chance you’re deeply rooted in that Stage three (it’s not your fault when you know about the Stages, it’s easy to see why we get stuck there). The good news is, there’s a predictable and proven way to move through all of it.

If you’re struggling with trust, there is no reason to stay stuck. You’re holding yourself back from the love, from the intimacy, from the connection you so rightfully deserve. It’s time to love again, feel safe again, trust again.

Dr. Debi
CEO and Founder, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

3 Steps to Defuse Any Fight with Your Kid

Has your home turned into a warzone? For many parents, after long months of being stuck indoors—sharing the same space for work, school, home, and recreation—the pressure might be building to a boiling point. Add in the worry and stress many families are feeling this holiday season, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

When a disagreement hits the boiling point, things get ugly. There’s screaming, crying, swearing . . . and that’s just the parents. And after it’s all over, we often feel ashamed and regretful. It’s only then that we remember we’re supposed to be the adults in the room.

That “out of control” feeling isn’t your fault. In the moment, when your child’s just done something that drives you nuts, your emotions get the best of you. But when you’re running hot, you don’t act like the parent you want to be. And that’s because you may not have the right tools to be able to respond instead of react.

First, take a breath. Find some compassion for yourself, and forgive yourself for that behavior you’re not proud of. None of us are perfect. When you show kindness to yourself, you model that kindness for your children, too.

Then, follow this 3-Step ACTion Plan next time you find a discussion going south. It can help you prevent a difficult situation from accelerating into a full-fledged meltdown.

Acknowledge your kid’s feelings and needs

Children often have a hard time naming the emotions that they’re feeling. Ask them leading and compassionate questions. If your kids are fighting over a toy, for example, ask: “Are you feeling angry that your sister took your toy without permission?” Their answer will help you understand their response and give clues about how to remedy the situation.

Communicate

Once you validate their feelings and identify the unmet needs that drive the feeling, check in with them to be sure they feel understood before switching to wanting to share your perspective and expecting them to hear you. Failing to do this may result in them tuning you out!

We all want to turn it into a teachable moment and explain why certain behaviors are not acceptable with more depth than “Because I said so.” Knowing that the teachable moment is NOT at the time of the issue is VERY important. It is okay to explain to your child that hitting their sibling is hurtful and doesn’t fix the problem of the swiped toy—or resolve the anger they’re feeling.  AND you get that it would really help them to practice some skills before these kinds of flashpoints occur so that there is more choice for them to respond differently.

My experience is that the key is to teach the skills for self-regulation in heated situations more than lecturing them; most kids know already that hitting isn’t okay. The issue is more about tools for impulse control when they are experiencing high emotions.

Target another option

Ask your child to help identify a solution to the problem at hand. Maybe your children can agree to take turns sharing a favorite toy. If you catch your teenager sneaking out to meet their friends, maybe you help them find a safe space for a socially distant hangout instead of sending them straight to their room. The goal is to build your child’s ability to objectively problem-solve and to let them know that the two of you are on the same team. Solo problem-solving is rarely effective. Collaboration sets the tone for your child to feel that you’re invested in them meeting their needs and want to find a solution that meets your needs too—but not at their expense of getting to meet theirs.

Learning to defuse disagreements is challenging, and it requires commitment and effort to overcome your own emotional response. But the 3-Step ACTion plan can help both parents and children learn to treat each other with love and respect.

If you’re looking for more tips on maintaining a peaceful household, download my free ebook, 7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship with Your Kids From Hitting the Boiling Point.

Feel free to download the ebook here: www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/products/ebook

P.S. If the 3-Step ACTion plan resonated with you, be sure to grab the ebook for even more parenting advice!

Categories
Best Practices Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

Feeling anxious? This Can Help.

Remember your child as a baby? When they accidentally hit their head on the side of the crib or get startled awake by a loud noise? Seconds tick by slowly as you wait for the sound of that gulp for air — usually followed by a piercing cry.

Breathing: it’s probably the most hard-wired, involuntary function we do as human beings. Every creature, great or small, breathes. Breathing gives us life, and we don’t even have to think about doing it — you inhale and exhale as reflexively as your heart beats in your chest.

But despite the fact that breath keeps us alive, we tend to take it for granted.

The Harvard Business Review and the Yale News both recently conducted studies revealing the effectiveness of SKY Breath Meditation, a breathing modality that engages the parasympathetic nervous system — the part of your brain that controls rational thinking, gives you a sense of calm and provides balance in stressful situations. Participants in both studies reported a better sense of well-being and mental health after just two days of practicing the methods.

As someone who has been trained in SKY Breath Meditation for 10 years, I can attest that breath does so much more than supply your body with oxygen. The way you breathe can have a big influence on how you feel and experience the world.

If you’ve been stressed, depressed, or overwhelmed — by current events, the holiday season, or your kid’s insistence on listening to “Baby Shark” on repeat — you’re not alone.

Here are some tips to help you literally catch a breather (share them with your child too!):

  • Deeper inhales and longer exhales. What happens when your child cries? Their breaths turn to hiccups. The same thing happens when we feel stressed or sad. When you start breathing rapidly, consciously focus on taking deep inhales and long exhales. Count to 4 for inhales, 8 for exhales (or as close as you can comfortably get). The fog in your brain will clear up in seconds.
  • Do some quick, light stretching. Pressured by deadlines at work and the mounting pile of laundry at home? Take 5 minutes for a quick stretch break. Full-body activities like a yoga sun salutation get your blood flowing with good oxygen and help relieve stress.
  • Carve out time for meditation. Ten minutes is ample time for you to feel the positive effects of your breathing/meditation practice. Don’t have 10 minutes? Take 2 minutes, if that’s what you have. Find a quiet spot to sit in and breathe deeply. Check out our work with America Meditates by Art of Living.

Learning to control your breath can help rid your body of stress and flood you with positive energy. Not only will you feel more in control of yourself, but you’re also providing an excellent model for your children about the importance of self-care.

Supportive breathing is just one technique for becoming the parent you want to be. If you’re interested in true parenting transformation check out the 90 Day Parenting Reset Program (coming soon).

P.S. My episode with ThePedsTalk Podcast hosted by Mona Amin, is live! We had a great conversation, so give it a listen and share with a parent who needs to hear it!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Does Yelling at Your Kid Work?

Stop me if you’ve ever been in a situation like this one. . .

 

You’ve had a long day—the kind where nothing seems to go right. Now, when you’re supposed to be enjoying family time, your kids will not stop bickering over the most insignificant things. 

 

While they’re arguing over who can drink their water faster, you realize that you’ve finally had enough. You interject, pleading with them to stop because you’re afraid one of them might choke—and, let’s be honest, you just want a little peace and quiet.

 

Then it happens. Your sweet child turns to you and says, “Shut up, Mom.” 

 

That’s your trigger. You take a deep breath and start yelling your head off. You’re human and you yell because you feel so disrespected, and it’s been such a hard day. . . a hard week. . . a hard month. . . a hard year!

 

You’d never yell at a friend, or a coworker, or a neighbor, so how could you possibly have it in you to yell at your child?

 

Understanding Why Parents Yell

There are several reasons why parents yell at their children. It could be:

  • an attempt to get your child to literally hear or listen to you
  • a way of asserting dominance
  • because you simply lost your temper

But unless you’re shouting in a crowd to get your child’s attention, yelling is never the best way to accomplish your parenting goals.

 

In my TEDx Talk, The Rebellion Is Here – We Created it, We Can Solve It, I talk about the external locus of control or the thought process of using rewards and punishments to control behavior. When parents turn to controlling forms of discipline—like yelling—they’re relying on external factors to create what they believe will be well-behaved children.

 

If you’ve fallen into this trap before, give yourself some grace. Most people resort to this method of thinking, particularly in moments of stress. But it isn’t effective, and it certainly doesn’t lead to “better” behavior.

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Overcoming the Instinct to Yell

Just as there’s an external locus of control, there’s an internal locus of control. The internal locus of control addresses underlying, unmet needs. It’s not about what’s happening on the outside; rather, it’s about everything going on inside that is causing undesirable behavior.

 

When children act out, it’s often their way of expressing an unmet need. This same logic can be applied to a parent who acts out by yelling, too.

 

You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t think logically when you’re completely mentally drained. Yelling or losing your temper is always a sign to check in with yourself, as a parent and as a person, to understand why you acted out.

 

As it turns out, yelling or other controlling forms of discipline don’t stop this cycle. In fact, they actually lead to your child acting out more, through retaliation, rebellion, and resentment.

 

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Yelling can cause lasting psychological damage in children. And it never addresses the root of the problem. If you find yourself about to scream or shout, it’s probably best for everyone involved that you remove yourself from the situation and find a different outlet.

 

The next time you wind yourself up to yell, pause. Ask yourself how you might respond to that sort of discipline—and if it would cause you to change your behavior.

 

Instead, turn away, take a few deep breaths, and return to your child with a clearer head. You’ll have the opportunity to communicate with them in a manner that fosters security and connection.

 

At the end of the day, parents are all doing their best in difficult situations. But it’s important to remember that children are in that very same position. And when you find different ways of communicating with your child, it’s easier to remember that you’re both on the same team.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine
P.S. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who understands. The Conscious Parenting Revolution has a network of supportive parents here to offer you solutions, or just a listening ear. Join our private Facebook Group today!

Categories
Best Practices Growth Health and Wellness Management

10 Tips to Boost Your Emotional Wellness at Work and Home

Work, family, financial challenges, Covid-19, and all the other stressors in the world can really take a toll on one’s emotional wellness. It’s not easy to be happy and enjoy life if your emotional health isn’t at a high level. While many of life’s ups and downs are beyond our control, there are a lot of things that are within our control. There are several things you can do to increase your emotional wellness that won’t cost a penny or require a lot of time.

Practice these strategies and positively affect your emotional wellness:

  1. Move more. Your brain and your body are connected. You feel your emotions in your body. If you move around more, your body will be healthier and better calibrated to your environment. Sitting around too much increases the likelihood of feeling stressed or depressed.
  2. Use your time more effectively. The more you get done, the less you leave undone. Having your work and chores done on a regular basis results in less stress and a greater opportunity to feel calm and relaxed. Putting your attention on determining the best way to use your time is a great habit to develop and will benefit your life for the rest of your life.
  3. Address any financial challenges you’re facing. There are only three basic strategies for addressing financial challenges: Worry about them, ignore them, or address them. Find a solution to your financial woes and begin working on it. The other options only result in stress and misery either today or in the future.
  4. Get enough sleep. Your brain and body are a mess if you’re not getting enough sleep. Find a sleep schedule that works for you and stick to it. Everyone has different sleep requirements.
  5. Be sociable. As solitary as you might think you are, you still need to be around other people on a regular basis. Having people you can count on makes a huge difference.
  6. Let go of expectations and focus on gratitude. Misery largely results from unmet expectations. Spend some time each day focusing on gratitude rather than being annoyed that life, you, or others, have failed to meet your expectations.
  7. Avoid the news. The news today is little more than mayhem and political news because that’s what people like to watch. Engaging isn’t the same as useful. You’re not missing anything. Watch or read something else instead.
  8. Avoid most social media. The basic premise of social media is admirable: Stay in touch with friends and family. The reality is that the most common use of social media is to make everyone else jealous of their family, car, house, or vacation. The image that people project is often false, and it makes others feel small by comparison. Be smart in how you use social media.
  9. Limit your obligations. A simple and meaningful life is the best option for most people. Keep your life simple by avoiding optional obligations that don’t add anything to your life.
  10. Carve out 5-minute vacations. Daydream, play your favorite music, water plants, surf your favorite podcast or video streaming platform.  As much as a 5-minute break can deliver some of the benefits of a full vacation for less time and money.

Avoid those things that can have a negative impact on your sense of emotional well-being. This includes social media, the news, unreasonable expectations, and unnecessary obligations. Get your rest, move around, and address the challenges in your life that are within your control. Spend time with people that you love.

 

When your emotional health is high, you have a solid foundation for enjoying many other aspects of life. Review the tips above and pick one to implement today.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Are You Raising a Spoiled Child?

When your child is giving you a particularly rough time, you might be tempted to compare them to the infamous Veruca Salt:

In the beloved children’s book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt embodies the cautionary tale of a spoiled child. One pony is not enough — she wants another one. As the Oompa Loompas sing:

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?

Blaming the kids is a lion of shame

You know exactly who’s to blame:

The mother and the father

Yikes!

Many parents I work with are very concerned about somehow turning their kids rotten. But can being generous or indulgent to our kids really affect them negatively?

In order to tackle the issue of “spoiled kids,” we need to deconstruct the idea of a spoiled child. Here are some of the beliefs that often give parents the wrong impression about their own children:

  1. Children are inherently bad. When a child has a strong reaction to not getting their way — stomping, crying, screaming or giving you a whole lotta attitude — a parent will often reflexively call them ungrateful, disrespectful, or even spoiled rotten. While this behaviour is something parents should consciously address, calling a kid spoiled feeds the notion that kids are somehow evil in nature, which is absolutely untrue!
  2. The myth that kids + money = spoiled. Parents across varying income brackets, refuse to let their kids handle their own money because they’re afraid their kids will make bad choices or end up “spoiled.” On the contrary, allowing your kids some autonomy over their money can actually teach them valuable lessons about handling their finances in a healthy manner! Yes, they may make mistakes and spend some of their cash on a frivolous purchase — but that’s how they learn. Children are worthy of our trust and will only mirror what we teach them.
  3. Children will take advantage of your generosity. Again, are our kids human beings we love or little gremlins out to get us?! Children respond to what they receive from their caregivers. If we shower them with love, they’ll learn to shower others with love in return. Of course, parents need to understand that sometimes loving your kid means helping them set boundaries! Being truly generous means you know when something is no longer good for your child (i.e. too much candy, too much screen time, etc.) — and helping them hone healthier habits.

So what can we do to raise empathetic, loving children?

  • Cultivate an environment of gratitude. An attitude of gratitude starts with you. Make it a habit to go around the dinner table and ask everyone to name one thing they’re grateful for.
  • Expose your kids to different perspectives. If you’re worried that your kids might grow up entitled, expose them to different cultures and backgrounds. Understanding unfamiliar mindsets and upbringings is crucial to developing empathy in children.
  • Encourage them to give. Finally, let them experience firsthand the fulfillment and joy of giving. Ask them to make cards or cookies for friends or family, or have them help you drop off items for donation at a local charity.

Showering your child with love and real generosity cannot bring them harm. If you model healthy, generous, and loving behavior to your children, you’re doing the best thing you can for them: helping them grow up to be healthy, generous, and loving in turn.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

How To Teach Your Child Good Sportsmanship

Have you heard of Ivan Fernandez?

Ivan is a Spanish cross country runner who has competed internationally in several long-distance running events.

He entered the global spotlight in 2013, not for winning a race—but for coming in second place.

During the race, Ivan was running behind Kenyan runner Abel Mutai. Abel was almost at the finish line when he became confused by some of the signage. He thought he had already won, so he stopped running.

Ivan was right behind him, and when he realized what was going on, he tried to yell to Abel to keep going.

Abel, however, didn’t understand Spanish. So Ivan took hold of Abel and pushed him to the finish line before crossing it himself.

After the race, a journalist asked Ivan why he did what he did. After all, he could have won the race. Ivan responded that there would be no honor in winning that medal. “What would my mother think of that?” he said.

Ivan Fernandez was a grown man at the time of this race. He wasn’t going home to his mother, who would punish him if he behaved in a less sportsmanlike fashion that day.

Nevertheless, when he choose kindness over his own competitive drive, he was thinking of his mom and all that she had taught him.

Talk about a parenting win!

 

Modeling Empathy with Your Child

We’re all trying to raise compassionate children. But there’s no playbook for all of life’s unexpected little situations that ask us to respond with empathy.

I’m sure Ivan’s mother never sat him down and said, “If you’re ever running an international race and the first place winner seems to think the race ended, the right thing to do would be to push him to the finish line and take second place.”

So how can you ensure that your child understands that sort of empathy and knows how to apply it from now through adulthood? The answer is simple: model it in your everyday life.

 

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Your child may not be running international races. . . yet! But maybe they play on local sports teams, or compete in a dance troupe, or take piano lessons. It’s important to help them understand that winning first place isn’t what’s most important.

This isn’t to say you can’t congratulate your child for a job well done. As a supportive parent, you want to share that joy with them. But, when you’re talking with them about their games or competitions, don’t let your dialogue focus on points scored or medals won.

 

Try saying, “It was so amazing how your teammate helped someone up after they fell.”

Or, “I noticed you cheering everyone on from the bench. That’s a big reason why you’re such a great teammate!”

And so on.

 

Fostering a Healthy Competitive Spirit  

 

If you have a child who is competitive, that’s great! Having a competitive side is a great tool for success. After all, Ivan Fernandez didn’t get to the point of running an international race without a competitive spirit.

But here’s the difference: Ivan knows that competition isn’t everything. He knows that there’s no honor in winning a medal because the first place runner got confused.

Teach your child that winning isn’t about dominating someone else. It’s about how they feel on the inside.

Keep in mind that lessons about empathy and competition don’t just take place on the sports field or in the dance studio. They can also occur while you’re playing board games, talking about current events, or simply navigating human relationships in general.

It’s always a good time to model empathy.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

P.S. Scan the QR code below for a Needs Assessment Analysis!

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Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Technology

How to Keep Your Kid’s Screen Time (and your sanity!) from Spiraling Out of Control

The scenario is all-too familiar.

You’re in an important Zoom meeting and need one gloriously uninterrupted hour to focus on work. Despite the fact that it’s 8 in the morning, you hand over the iPad to keep your kid entertained.

Or how about this one:

Your tween has stopped complaining that they’re bored and started spending all their free time scrolling on social media. It’s a struggle to get them to put down their phone at mealtimes.

Or even this:

You’re concerned about your child’s gaming habits. A hobby has become an obsession, and your kid seems to be gaming when you wake up in the morning and when you go to sleep at night. It’s getting harder to talk to them, and you wonder if their schoolwork is slipping.

I completely get it. Screen time is so easy and so entertaining. It’s designed to grab and hold our attention. And the longer we stay isolated and inside, the more time you and your kid are likely to spend in the glow of a phone, computer, tablet, or TV. It’s exhausting to keep antsy children occupied, especially when you’ve got work that needs to get done.

Is your family’s screen time spiraling out of control? How do you keep yourself from being overcome by guilt from allowing too much screen time? And how do we all keep our screens from destroying us mentally, emotionally, and even physically?

First, take a deep breath. Screens are not inherently evil, and you are not a bad parent for using them. You simply need to apply some conscious parenting to your family’s approach to screentime:

  1. Understand the media your kids use. You don’t have to feel like you’re making a deal with the devil every time you let your child use a screen. Instead of allowing devices to rule your life, take your power back by educating yourself about them. What shows/apps/websites/games do your children like to watch or use? Try to incorporate some educational and values-forming content in with the fun stuff and the fluff.
  2. Build-in interactive activities. Does your child love watching musicals? Schedule a family sing-a-long. Are they interested in drawing? Let them watch an art show and do some inspired drawing together afterward. You can even host a bake-off based on your favorite cooking show!
  3. Incorporate live face time. To encourage social interaction, suggest some online face time with relatives or friends. There are even apps out now that allow you to read a book with someone remotely.
  4. Structure hours. Work with your child, if they’re old enough for the discussion, to set reasonable and mutually agreed-to limits on screen time. Carve out time to go for a family walk or play some old-school board games. Try to build in electronic-free times and zones, especially around mealtimes and bedtimes.
  5. Make a co-parenting agreement. If you’re raising your kids with other caregivers, make sure you are all aware about screen time usage in each household. You may not implement the same schedules or limits, but keeping each other informed will eliminate confusion and foster effective communication.
  6. Model screen-free behavior. If you’re constantly scrolling or checking email, you can’t expect your kid to place much value on your warnings against screen time. Set guidelines for your family, not just for your kids — and make sure to adhere to the rules yourself!

As parents, we worry a lot about the issue of screen time and how too much of it might hurt our children. But at the end of the day, we have to realize that devices are just pieces of metal, and it’s up to us to use them for ill or for gain. As our children’s parents, what’s important is that we give them what a screen ultimately can’t: the love, attention, and support they need.

P.S. Gaming addiction is a very specific, and real, screentime concern. If you’re worried about your kid’s gaming habits, check out my free webinar with Cam Adair, founder of Game Quitters and a former video game addict.