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Growth Personal Development

What Shattered Trust Is Doing To You

Trust is a very important part of any personal or business relationship. Without trust, an air of suspicion always clouds the relationship. Trust is the glue that holds any worthwhile relationship together. The good news is, you can choose actions that build trust. 

Each relationship is different. The steps for establishing trust for a romantic relationship are very different than for a business relationship. But all relationships have certain things in common and they all require trust.

Trust in a Nutshell

Here are a few of the basics when it comes to trust:

  • Always tell the truth.
  • Do what you say you’ll do.
  • Keep your promises.
  • Only take on what you’re capable of handling.

If you keep these principles in mind, you can build trust in most relationships. A good partnership has to have trust to exist.Whether you’re asking someone for a date or forming a new business venture, trust in each other is vital.

Are Most People Trustworthy?

It depends on you and so many other factors. Your belief system, your experiences, your upbringing, how you’ve worked through situations where trust was shattered in the past, and so much more. Given the same background, two people can emerge from the experience so differently. One can come to the conclusion that people can’t be trusted, the world isn’t safe, it’s better to stay guarded and that’s the safest way to prevent being hurt again. They keep people at a distance as a way to prevent that same pain from impacting them again.

Others can emerge from the same situation believing that people are doing the best they can with what they have available to them. Someone who shattered trust simply isn’t someone they want to spend their time with, and they’re grateful that they now have a sense of what feeling unsafe feels like so they’re better able to surround themselves with those who speak and act differently.

Whether you believe people are trustworthy or not, you may also consider that some people will show they’re trustworthy if given a second chance. Everyone messes up at some point. Whether that person deserves a second chance or not depends on a number of factors too.

Has the person taken steps to rectify the breach of trust? Have they taken responsibility? Have they apologized for their actions? Is there remorse and empathy for the pain they’ve caused? Can you believe that they’ve changed their ways and whatever they said or did to break trust won’t happen again?

If so, is that what you need to be willing to allow the person to slowly rebuild trust with you? Or, were their actions so hurtful, harmful and hateful that you can’t even consider believing in them once again? Now of course, if the person shows no remorse, takes no responsibility, acts callous and isn’t the least bit concerned with the hurt they’ve caused, you have very little to work with here. With some people however, their actions could potentially serve as not only the greatest wake up call for you, but for them as well.

Seeing the pain and hurt they’ve caused may be the shake-up they needed to wake up and change. Yes they may have learned that powerful lesson at your expense and it’s going to take a lot to heal from it. However…

This shattering of trust affects everything. It impacts your ability to trust in the person who hurt you. It also impacts your ability to trust yourself and your judgment. Like ripples in a pond, it then also impacts your ability to trust in others and in everything.

So as you consider these questions about being open to trusting again (with either the person who hurt you or with others), I invite you to ask yourself this one too.

How is withholding trust affecting your health, work, relationships, happiness and self-esteem?

According to the over 50,000 people who’ve taken the Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz, a staggering 84% say they have an inability to trust. 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. 82% find it hard to move forward and 90% want to move forward but don’t know how.

The good news is, we’re taking it all on Jan 31st-Feb. 4th during the 5-Day Trust Again Intensive-Self Love Edition.

Staying stuck is a choice…and one that hurts. You deserve to feel safe again, love again, trust again.

Dr. Debi, Founder and  CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

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Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

Your Unhealed Betrayal is Impacting Your Health, Work and Relationships

When the person you trusted the most proves untrustworthy, it not only shatters your trust in them, it shatters your trust in yourself as you think: “How did I not know?” “How did I not see?”If you’ve lost trust in the person you trusted the most, and you feel you can’t trust yourself or your judgment, it’s natural to then question your trust in everyone and everything.So think about it. The shattering of trust has such a far-reaching impact going way beyond how it impacts the relationship with the person who hurt you. It has a ripple effect where everyone and everything, including yourself, now comes into question.Before I go even further, the good news is you can heal from all of it and there’s even a proven, research-based way to do just that when you move through the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. First, I wanted you to see how it impacts your health, work and relationships.Your Health

There’s a collection of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms so common to betrayal, it’s known as Post Betrayal Syndrome. 

People spend so much time, money, effort, and energy going to the most well-meaning doctors, coaches, healers, therapists––to manage a stress-related symptom, illness, condition, or disease. At the root of all that stress is often an unhealed betrayal. Here’s what an unhealed betrayal can look like with regards to your health.

You can have trouble sleeping, you’re exhausted and you could be using sugar or caffeine to help you stay awake. Your immune system is compromised, your adrenals have tanked, you could be having digestive issues, weight changes, brain fog, and more.

Your Work

You want to be a team player, but you’re so afraid. The person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy––how can you trust a boss or coworker? 

Or

You want to ask for that raise or promotion, you deserve it––but your confidence was shattered in that betrayal. Instead, you don’t ask and you’re bitter and resentful, and that’s the energy that you’re bringing into work every day.

Your Relationships

You’re full of heartbreak, sadness, anxiety, and grief because you’ve been blindsided by an experience with betrayal. You have a hard time trusting other people and it’s affecting your day-to-day relationships. You may experience repeat betrayals (a clear sign of an unhealed betrayal). You can also put that big wall up which prevents anyone from getting near you and your heart again. Sure you’re keeping out the bad ones…but you’re keeping out the good ones too.

You can’t undo a betrayal, but you’re in control of how long it affects your relationships, your health, your work, and your life. The gift in betrayal is that it lays the foundation for transformation, that’s IF we’re willing to use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. IF you choose to rebuild your life and the aspects of yourself that were hard hit like rejection, abandonment, confidence, worthiness, belonging and trust.

Rebuilding is always a choice. You have the option to rebuild yourself and move on or (if the situation lends itself and if you’re willing), you can rebuild an entirely new relationship with the person who hurt you.

Trauma is the setup for transformation. It can be used as the catalyst and incentive to create a new version of yourself that never would have had the opportunity to show up had the experience not happen. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation and since you’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something that caused so much pain.

You’re not alone and you can heal from all of it.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

9 Steps to Building Trust in Interpersonal Relationships

Trust is built over time. When we think about building trust, we might think about building trust with our significant other. But how can we also build trust in adult friendships, at the workplace, or with other family members?Trust is the foundation of all relationships – whether that relationship is between family or friends. When both sides of each relationship have trust, people are more open and likely to spend more time with each other.Having trust in someone means you trust that you can go to the other person or you trust that you can rely on them.

A lack of trust might exist because one person isn’t consistent, or someone has hurt the other in the past.

Whether you’re building a new relationship or rebuilding a relationship with broken trust, you can start the process of building trust with these 9 tips:

  1. Keep agreements and promises. When you keep your promises, you show the other person that they can depend on you. This is a key foundation of trust. If an agreement or promise is broken, there should always be an open line of communication explaining why, although, be careful that you’re not making an excuse for breaking trust.
  2. Listen without judgment. Create an environment where the people around you feel heard. Instead of judging someone for what they share with you, try to understand where they’re coming from and what they’re feeling. Find a way to show them you are engaged and present. 
  3. Ask what you can do to support them. When someone shares something difficult that they’re going through, it’s hard for us to know exactly how to support them. Open the line of communication and ask how you can support the people around you.
  4. Give praise when it’s due. Complimenting others is an incredible way to build trust when it’s authentic. Not only does a genuine compliment make the other person feel good, but you’ll also feel good when you see another person smile. When you give genuine praise, you can build trust and appreciation with others. For example:
  • “I appreciate how positive you are.”
  • “Thank you for being so thoughtful.”
  • “That’s such a smart way to look at things.”5. Be consistent. It’s easy to make excuses or reschedule plans for another day. One of the easiest ways to build trust is to be consistent. Show people that you care about them by being someone who they can consistently count on as a person of their word.6. Avoid gossip and negativity. One way to ruin trust is to gossip or talk negatively about others behind their back. People might start to wonder what you will say when their backs are turned. Instead of gossiping about someone, practice being upfront about them instead.

    7. Pay attention to your nonverbal communication. A growing amount of research shows that closed body language, such as crossed arms, can turn people away.

  • Simple body language changes, such as making eye contact or opening your body language, can indicate to people that you’re open, trustworthy, and welcoming.8. Share. Be curious about those around you and be willing to open yourself up as well. Trust will naturally build as people feel like they know you better.9. Be compassionate. Be compassionate about how others may feel. Check-in with how they’re feeling. If you’re rebuilding trust, apologize sincerely and find a way to come to a resolution together.

Getting closer to others helps us feel more connected. Feeling connected to the people around us strengthens our well-being and rewards us with knowing that we can trust someone else. These exercises are a great start to building trust and will help you feel connected and fulfilled with the people around you.

Dr. Debi, Founder, and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

What do Trust Issues Look Like?

You want to confide in your friend but you’re not sure she won’t share your deeply personal feelings with someone else.

You’d love to be a team player and a collaborative partner at work but if the person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy, how can you trust your boss, coworker, or partner?

You want to be more open and vulnerable with your partner but you don’t feel safe.

Trust. It’s something that is so foundational.

When trust is shattered, it is really hard to feel safe and secure because trust sets the foundation for our sense of safety and security. So, when that person or people who created that sense of safety and security are the very ones to shatter it, it’s traumatizing.

So many of us don’t regain that sense of trust and we walk around feeling unsafe, insecure, and anxious.

Can you repair trust? I say no. Can you rebuild it? Yes.

Imagine trust being like a brick wall. That wall is built brick by brick by brick and it can take a long time. Every opportunity someone has to show they’re trustworthy represents one brick in the brick wall.

So now imagine the person who built that brick wall shatters the entire wall in one soul-crushing and painful moment. Now, the person whose trust was shattered has every right to look at the brick wall and say; “I don’t have the least bit of interest in watching that thing get rebuilt.” That’s completely fine and with that, they heal themselves and move along. However, if they’re willing to watch that brick wall be rebuilt, the person who shattered that brick wall has to be…a really good bricklayer.

The only way it can be rebuilt is the same way it went up the first time, brick, by brick by brick. Every opportunity that person has to show that they’re trustworthy represents one brick in that brick wall. So, you can see why it would take a lot of time and effort.

Now, what I see many people doing is this. Trust has been shattered. The person who shattered the trust is kind of nonchalant about the whole thing, and the person whose trust was shattered thinks; “This is so hard, so painful, they’re not doing any rebuilding so I’ll rebuild the brick wall” because they’re in pain and it’s uncomfortable. They don’t like the feeling and they just want the painful emotions to go away.

When the person whose trust was shattered is the one who builds the brick wall, you can’t feel safe, you don’t feel secure, your level of anxiety is always high because you don’t know if you can trust that other person.

Left unhealed, we lose trust in ourselves too. We don’t trust our judgment, our discernment, and our ability to know if we’re making decisions that serve us best. Taking it a step further, if we don’t trust the person to who we gave our trust, and we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust in anyone or anything else?

We’re taking all of this on during the Trust Again Challenge. In these times, we do not feel safe, we do not trust, and we need to get back that sense of trust and safety. When we don’t rebuild trust, it impacts every area of life. It prevents us from the relationships, joy, and fulfillment we want most.

With the shattering of trust, we find ourselves stuck. In the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (one of the discoveries made in my Ph.D. study) this is so common to Stage three, the most commonplace to get stuck. Transformation doesn’t even begin until Stages four and Stage five. If you’re having trust issues, there’s a good chance you may be stuck in Stage three and you are holding yourself back from the transformation that you deserve. The hardest part has happened already, you owe it to yourself to move through the Stages. So, if you have any kind of trust issues, know that there’s a really good chance you’re deeply rooted in that Stage three (it’s not your fault when you know about the Stages, it’s easy to see why we get stuck there). The good news is, there’s a predictable and proven way to move through all of it.

If you’re struggling with trust, there is no reason to stay stuck. You’re holding yourself back from the love, from the intimacy, from the connection you so rightfully deserve. It’s time to love again, feel safe again, trust again.

Dr. Debi
CEO and Founder, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Trust is Like a Brick Wall

Trust is like a brick wall

Here’s a visual that explains how trust works. Imagine a huge brick wall. That wall was built by adding one brick at a time, brick by brick and slowly over a certain period; those bricks accumulate to become a solid and strong structure. It can take years to build, and the only way to build it is by adding one brick at a time. There’s no shortcut to building that wall any faster, and the only way to build it is by carefully adding one brick at a time.

Every opportunity that person has to show they’re trustworthy represents one brink in the wall

Then due to a betrayal and shattering of trust, it takes only moments for it to be torn down.

Now, imagine that huge brick wall tumbling down because of something tragic and unexpected. You’re looking at the rubble that used to be this enormous brick wall, and you can’t imagine how that wall can ever be repaired. Here’s what I believe.

I believe it can’t be repaired, but it can be rebuilt

You’re looking at a pile of bricks that took years of consistency, repetition, and attention to build. If the entire wall came tumbling down, patching it up simply won’t work. With the brick wall down, you also have an opportunity to see if it can be rebuilt any better, bigger, stronger, or more beautiful.

You have another option too

That option is to decide if it’s even worth the effort and energy it would take to rebuild or if you’d be better off walking away. If you choose to rebuild a new wall, however, what’s the only way to put it back together again? Brick by brick by brick.

Sure, you can stare at the rubble of bricks and decide that it’s too big and too exhausting of a task to build again. You can question if it’s worth the effort and energy that it will take to rebuild and how you’ll approach this new project. But that’s totally up to you.

That’s how trust works 

It can take years to build trust with someone and in one earth-shattering moment, the entire wall can come tumbling down.

While it can most definitely be built again, however, there are unfortunately no shortcuts here. Building that trust couldn’t be rushed when it was originally being built, and it certainly can’t be rushed when it comes to building it again, especially if the intention is to rebuild that trust with the person who hurt you. Let’s dive into this a bit more.

Rebuilding trust in yourself and your decisions and trusting in something bigger, in life, and in your healing is completely up to you

Rebuilding trust in the person who hurt you involves a few other steps, so let’s start there. First, it may or may not be an option. If the person who hurt you is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, if they’re denying what they did or said, or if they somehow blame you for the betrayal, you really don’t have much to work with here when it comes to rebuilding trust with that person.

Trying to rebuild trust when you’re met with this response isn’t the best use of your time and energy. Your experience may also leave you with the fact that the person who hurt you may no longer be alive or in any capacity to begin this new trust-rebuilding project. So, here it’s best to focus on yourself and your healing so that you can move on.

However, while some people are unwilling to rebuild trust with the person they hurt, some betrayers can be open, available, and eager to rebuild a new and better brick wall of trust if given the opportunity. These people have very different responses. These are the “bricklayers,” the ones ready and willing to do whatever it takes to build a new wall. They’re grateful for the opportunity, and it’s as if the fog has been cleared for them to see you and what truly matters so clearly. These are the people who (if you are willing to try too) are going to do all they can to build something new and beautiful. Once realizing how deeply they hurt you (while being remorseful, taking full responsibility, and, if they’re willing, doing what it takes to regain your trust), you can slowly see the potential here.

If this is your betrayer’s honest response to the pain they caused and you’re willing to consider slowly and carefully rebuilding a new relationship with that person, you’re both in a position to see that brick wall slowly become rebuilt.

How do you know if that person is willing to do the work and if it’s in your best interest to watch that wall get rebuilt? How do you know when it’s best to walk away? How do you rebuild trust in yourself and others so you regain that sense of safety and security that was torn down? I teach you how in Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness.

Trust is so foundation and when it’s shattered, it impacts our trust in others, in ourselves…in everything. When we’re coming from that space, we’ve closed ourselves off to the joy, love, and fulfillment that’s available to us when we learn how to safely, carefully, and cautiously trust again. You deserve to heal from all of it.

Not only is it possible, it’s predictable.

If you’ve been stuck for years, even decades, it’s likely due to the shattering of trust, betrayal, and/or a belief system that no longer serves you. The beliefs and habits we form as a result can make us healed…or hardened. Join me for a free launch party on Oct. 5th for the release of my newest book: From Hardened to Healed: The Effortless Path to Release Resistance, Get Unstuck and Create a Life You Love.