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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources

Dear Katherine: Should I Let My Daughter Stay Out as Late as Her Brother?

Dear Katherine,

My three children are 16, 13, and 9. They are all very social, but each child has a different curfew and different rules for social time. 

The 13-year-old is very upset that we won’t let her go to a party that ends at 11 p.m. She says that we would let our 16-year-old go to a party like that, which might be true depending on several factors, but our 16-year-old is old enough to have a later curfew.  

How can we help our 13-year-old see that she and her older brother are different people and that these are different situations? 

Sincerely,

Stuck in the Middle

Stuck in the Middle, this kind of conflict is completely normal in families with more than one child. Younger siblings always want to be just like their older siblings—or, just like their perceptions of their older siblings.

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You’re right to have different rules for your children. No two kids are the same. More importantly, what’s appropriate for your 16-year-old isn’t necessarily appropriate for your 13-year-old, and vice versa. I bet your 13-year-old knows that, too, even if she is fighting against it.

Conscious parenting is all about adapting your parenting approach to suit the needs of your unique child. Recognizing that you can’t have the same rules for all your children is a parenting win right off the bat! But how do you get your 13-year-old on board with a decision she doesn’t like?

The best course of action during family conflict is to initiate open parent-child communication. 

Explain to your daughter exactly why you don’t want her to go to that party, and ask her why she wants so badly to attend. You may find a compromise that works for both of you, like allowing her to stay out a bit later than normal, or hosting her closest friends at your home instead.

Make sure she knows that you aren’t saying no to assert your dominance but because you care about her safety and happiness. If she can understand that you’re on her side, she’ll be more receptive to listening to you.

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It would also be wise to explain why her older sibling has a different set of rules. Have an open conversation about their age difference, and invite her to contribute her opinions.

I know family conflicts are difficult, but above all I encourage you to be sensitive to the needs of your teenager.

Teenagers are especially vulnerable to the three R’s: resistance, rebellion, and retaliation. They crave autonomy. The more you interfere with that need, the more your daughter will push back against your rules. If she’s been included in the conversation, however, and feels she got to collaborate in creating the “rule” then the 3Rs may be avoided completely.

Your daughter wants—and needs—to learn how to manage her own life. Even the smallest compromises can make a big difference in showing her that you trust her judgment. Building trust in the beginning of the individuation process is key for a healthy parent-child relationship throughout her teenage years.

I’m sure you and your children will find the right balance that keeps everyone happy!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness

What’s Your Story?

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

We tend to use this phrase when we talk about how similar a child is to their parents, when we notice repeated behaviors, patterns, and choices that pass across generations. The logic is simple: children mirror their parents’ actions and are wired to follow the examples they set.

Think about it. Our kids learn everything about life from us: how to crawl, walk, eat, sleep, talk—and eventually how to interact with other human beings and make their way through the world.

The pressure to set a good example or be a good role model can weigh heavily on you as a parent. That’s doubly true if you had issues or challenges (and who didn’t?) in your own childhood. Everyone faces roadblocks that stem directly from their childhood experiences. And whether or not we’re willing to admit it, our own upbringing directly affects how we raise our children.

I’ve shared my own story at a TEDxGEM in France: I had a loving but very traditional mother who believed that children should be seen and not heard. Because I was trained to repress my inner voice, I learned to keep my mouth shut—even when people took advantage of me.

We each have a story, and we all have scars. But we must put in the work to avoid perpetuating unhealthy patterns with our own kids. If you’re not careful, the issues your had with your own parents will rear their ugly heads in your relationships with your children.

Are you a new mother or father committed to building a loving, healthy environment for your baby to thrive? Or maybe you’re a seasoned parent whose negative patterns from your upbringing are beginning to show up in your relationship with your teenager?

Here are 3 warning signs that the apple may be a little too close to the tree:

  1. Projection. Did you have a happy childhood? Did you feel supported, understood, and seen by your primary caregivers? Adults who felt abandoned early in life, for example, may unknowingly project their own feelings onto their kids. A parental response could result in extreme behaviors such as distancing or smothering. When you respond to your child, are you acting based on your feelings or theirs?
  2. “Tough love.” Some parents deny their kids so-called benefits or privileges because they didn’t receive that treatment when they were growing up. A father may say, “You’ll work every summer instead of going to camp, because that’s how I grew up and learned to be responsible.” But “tough love” isn’t always the answer. Ask yourself if you really needed that kind of harsh treatment from your parents. What if they had been more supportive and understanding instead?
  3. Parenting out of fear. Parents understandably want to prevent their kids from making the same mistakes they did. But parenting out of fear that your children will rebel may convey the message that you don’t trust them—or, even worse, that they’re bad kids. A healthier alternative to fear-based parenting is to empower self-direction. Listen to your children’s thoughts and opinions. Show them that they can talk to you about anything and that you’ll always love them no matter what.

Facing your childhood issues head-on isn’t easy, but reckoning with your own story is the only way to ensure that the next chapter is better. When we heal past wounds, we release our children (and ourselves!) from generational patterns and lay the foundation for healthier parent-child dynamics. No matter where you are in your parenting journey, you can start to eliminate childhood baggage and create a clean slate for your kids.

Ready to work through your past to improve your relationship with your child? Send me a message and let’s begin your journey together.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Skills

Dear Katherine: We Give Her an Inch, She Takes a Mile

Dear Katherine,

My 5-year-old daughter has always disliked being told what to do. Now that we’re changing our approach to the parent-child relationship, she’s convinced that she was right all along about being able to do whatever she wants. 

When we give her even a little bit of freedom, she tries to take as much power as she can get. It isn’t sustainable! 

How can we achieve a healthy balance? 

Sincerely,

Not So Sure About This

Hey there, Not So Sure About This! I love this question.

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First of all, congratulations on having a confident and strong-willed child. Behaviors like what you’re describing can be the source of many parenting challenges. Take comfort in knowing that autonomous children grow up to be strong, capable adults who positively impact the world around them.

Right now, your daughter is getting her sea legs, so to speak. You’re transitioning from one parenting style to another, and she’s experimenting with her new boundaries. Where her autonomy was once limited, it’s now being encouraged. She’s grasping for power because she’s afraid she’ll lose it again.

Your daughter needs to know that you aren’t going back to the old way, which left her feeling dismissed and out of control.

The transition to conscious parenting can be disorienting for children. But the good news is that your daughter is only 5. The rule of thumb is that for each year of a child’s age, you can expect them to need that many weeks to adjust.

Here’s how to make it through the next 5 weeks:

Talk her through this transition.

Your daughter probably doesn’t realize that there is a cultural shift taking place in your family. It’s important to talk her through why you’re changing your tactics.

Help her understand that the sense of healthy empowerment she’s feeling isn’t going anywhere and that you’re committed to this new approach.

Reinforce new habits. 

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The techniques your parents used on you as a child likely inspired the parenting style you’ve relied on for the last 5 years. It’s become habitual—and habits are hard to break.

In a challenging situation, your first instinct may be to revert to your old behavior patterns. Keep reminding yourself that those habits won’t yield the results you’re hoping for.

It takes strength and determination to replace old habits with new ones. But the more committed you are to conscious parenting, the faster you’ll see positive changes.

Manage your expectations.

It’s easier said than done, but try not to get frustrated that your daughter hasn’t adjusted to these changes quite yet.

Motivating your 5-year old to act out of consideration for others, rather than because she was told to behave a certain way, is a big ask. And your daughter can pick up on your stress, so accepting that she’ll need time to evolve is key to a smooth transition.

Not So Sure About This, the most important thing of all is to keep going. You’re on the right track, and I have full confidence that you and your daughter will overcome these challenges.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources

Dear Katherine: My Kids Complain About Being Bored!

Dear Katherine,

When my two children are home from school, they don’t want to do anything. I try to get them involved in activities or camps (or at the very least encourage them to leave the house with me!) but they outright refuse.

Then they complain that they’re bored! My older daughter, who is 13, calls me a bad mom when I tell her that there’s nothing more I can do.

What CAN I do?

Sincerely,

Out of Ideas

Out of Ideas, the problem you’re facing is far more common than people care to admit! The pressure to keep children occupied at all times can be incredibly frustrating for parents.

Still, I’m sensing that this issue is less about keeping your daughter entertained and more about her inability or refusal to seek out her own joy. She tells you she’s bored, and then seemingly does nothing to fix it. When you try to guide her to the answer, she gets upset.

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There are two questions to ask yourself that will help you move forward:

1. Is her boredom making her upset, or is it making you upset?

Your daughter’s struggle to entertain herself is a problem for her to navigate. If you take this emotional load on yourself, it will only make things worse. These situations can be cyclical, and your frustration will only compound hers.

Maybe she’s content staying home but senses that you’re frustrated with her making that choice. No matter what’s really going on, it’s important to step back and resist the urge to turn her problem into your problem.

Right now, your thoughts are framed around shame and criticism. Maybe you’re internalizing your daughter’s comment that you’re a bad mom, or you feel responsible for her lack of motivation.
Either way, you’re disempowering yourself, which won’t help your daughter. Take a moment to consider what your needs are and how you can meet them. Focus on filling your cup so that you’re in a better mindset to help your daughter meet her needs. This Needs Assessment is a great tool for figuring out how well your own needs are being met.

2. Why is she leaning on you to make this decision?

Your instinct as a parent is to help your kids through their problems. Occasionally, you probably border on solving the entire issue for them. I see this common parenting mistake with my clients all the time. But here’s the thing. . .

When kids are used to having their parents solve their problems, a sudden refusal to do so can feel like abandonment.

Rest assured, you aren’t abandoning your daughter—and you certainly don’t need to leave her to figure everything out on her own. But instead, you should work on hearing her.

At the age of 13, she’s inundated with new experiences and responsibilities. School is becoming more challenging, friendships are evolving, and she’s probably making more decisions day-to-day than she ever has before. The thought of making one more choice about what to do in her spare time might be pushing her over her capacity.

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Sit with her in that place of discomfort and validate her frustration. Then remind her how capable she is. Tell her you’re confident in her ability to make decisions for herself. Assure her that the choice she ultimately makes isn’t the wrong one, even if she chooses to stay home after school.

I understand the urge to jump in and save your daughter by arranging activities or outings, but if you want to raise an independent child, you have to give her the space to figure out what she really wants to do. The best way to be a supportive parent is to build your child’s confidence in themselves.

Your daughter is more than capable of getting through this rough patch. It may even be a great opportunity for her to learn more about who she is and how to advocate for her needs.

I have utmost faith in both of you.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Want to start 2022 differently with your family but not sure where to start? I have the perfect toolbox for you! The Conscious Parenting Kickstart is more than just parenting tips. It gets to the core of why you parent the way you do, and why your kids react the way they do. We’ll tackle those deep-seated beliefs that are holding both you and your kids back from living your best lives together, so you can make powerful, lasting changes.
The best part? The Conscious Parenting Kickstart will only take an hour of your time! Click here to check it out!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness

5 tips to handle school-from-home

If you’re a parent or caregiver to a school-aged kid, chances are you’ve found yourself learning grammar or long division again — only this time, the teacher is on Zoom. And you’re fighting with the technology of uploading your child’s digital work. And trying to run a household. And maybe attempting to work yourself.

For many families around the world, school from home will be around for at least a few more months. While it’s not easy to juggle all those priorities (and all that tech!), it’s possible to make the experience a little better for both you and your kids.

The expectations around school and the pressure parents put on their kids can create a lot of stress. Whether your child is co-working with you at the living room table or back in the classroom, these 5 tips will help you both ace the semester:

  1. Discover your child’s learning style. Some kids find it easy to work independently while others need activity and collaboration. Find out which learning styles your child responds to best and help shape their experiences accordingly. Independent thinker? Give them time and space to study and work on their own. Collaborative mind? Encourage them to schedule more Zoom sessions with their classmates. Catering to their unique style will help your kid have a more positive experience.
  2. Encourage their hobbies. Who says education has to be by the book? Let your kids explore and expand their non-academic skills, like cooking, baking, drawing, or dancing. These skills are just as important as geometry or social studies. What matters is that they find ways to become engaged with something they care about. Their hobbies may change over time, but the ability to dig into an area of interest has lifelong benefits.
  3. Use the resources available. Look around you: you have a wealth of educational resources online and in your neighborhood. Coordinate a book swap with a classmate or neighbor. Hold biology class outside to look for real-life examples of the concepts your child is learning. Sign up for online guitar lessons (Youtube can teach you to do just about anything these days). Let your own creativity expand the options beyond the school’s lesson plan and the oh-so-many online worksheets.
  4. Design a schedule for learning. Children thrive with some structure in place — adults, too! It’s important that children have a dedicated time and place for school activities. Work with your child to develop their own little study nook in the house, and help them identify the best time for activities like homework and studying. While they may not be able to dictate their entire schedule, your child should definitely have input in this process.
  5. Don’t focus on the grades. Try not to be overly preoccupied with your child’s grades, especially during this wild and crazy year. Becoming too grade-obsessed can give a kid the impression that their confidence or self-worth should be tied to competency. We have to constantly remind our children that love is not something they have to earn or acquire by doing well in school or being a “perfect” human. We are worthy of love and belonging simply because we’re alive and breathing. Work to be more forgiving if your child scores lower than expected on a test. And forgive yourself if you feel like a less-than-perfect teacher. Our children’s achievements are not a reflection of us!
  6. One thing is certain: the school-from-home era has been a learning experience for all of us. Learning always means growth, which gives you and your child the opportunity to deepen your relationship and come together as a team. Besides, not everyone gets a chance to relive their school days. 🙂

If you and your child struggle to talk about school, my free eBook may help. I wrote 7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids from Hitting the Boiling Point to give every parent the tools they need to improve their communication with their child, especially around hot-button issues like homework and grades. Grab your copy today.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Dear Katherine: My Son Gets Anxious When We’re Apart

Dear Katherine,

 

My son is very nervous whenever we’re apart. When he’s at school, he wants me to be working from home so he knows that I’m there. Even if I’m just around the block, he stresses out about it. 

He’s afraid that I won’t come back or that I won’t come to pick him up. 

He’s 10 years old, and I want him to enjoy school and other activities that I’m not present for. 

What can I do? 

 

Sincerely, 

Trying My Best

 

Trying My Best,

 

My heart goes out to your son. He’s dealing with some big feelings! Your situation sounds like a classic case of separation anxiety.

 

What I want to emphasize first and foremost is that it’s perfectly okay for him to have these feelings. Everything we experience in life serves a purpose—even our most negative emotions. We should never tell our kids that their feelings are bad, scary, or wrong. Doing so is one of the biggest parenting mistakes we can make.

True self-acceptance has to come first if you want your son to be able to change. When we judge ourselves or our children, we create an unsafe environment for this transformation to take place.

I have two pieces of advice to help you both through this challenging period:

 

1. Be a supportive parent while your son sits with his feelings. 

Your son needs to learn how to be with the parts of him that are anxious instead of letting them define him. Help him create space between him and his anxiety. You can start by talking about it together.

Try saying, “Wow, something inside you is feeling really worried.” Provide space for him to talk about his concerns and how they make something in him feel. With practice, he’ll be able to turn toward these scary feelings, understand what they’re trying to tell him, and get bigger than what’s bugging him.

Remember, your son can only understand these feelings if can separate them from his identity. If he thinks that he is anxious, instead of recognizing that something inside of him feels anxious, he won’t be able to accurately assess any associated feelings.

This approach will help your son cope with negative feelings for the rest of his life. But there are other immediate actions you can take that will help his anxiety, too.

2. Find ways to be with him, without being with him physically. 

Separation anxiety is a common issue in parent-child relationships. Fortunately, you can help your child feel connected to you even when you’re apart. Together, brainstorm ideas that could help him through the day.

 

Here are a few to get you started, but this should be a collaborative effort with your child:

  • Give him a photo of you to keep in his pocket. When your son misses you, he can take out the photo and look at it to remember that you aren’t far away.
  • Send him messages throughout the day. If your son has a phone that he can use at school, message him periodically to check-in. No phone? No problem. Write him little notes to keep in his folders, lunchbox, or pencil case to remind him that you’re thinking of him.

Separation anxiety can be difficult for parents and children, but I know you two will get through it together!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

P.S. The Mother Side on Good Morning Washington (ABC7, WJLA) was so kind to have me discussing how we can be more mindful in our approach with our children! I’m so grateful to be able to introduce our gentle parenting all over the world. Thank you so much for supporting the Conscious Parenting Revolution message!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

How to Help Your Child Navigate a Not-So-Normal Holiday Season

This year’s holiday season reminds me of the opening line in Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women:

“‘Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas without any presents,’ grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.”

The story is set in the middle of the American civil war, and the four March sisters are grieving over not being able to spend Christmas with their army chaplain father—as well as not having enough money for gifts.

Our current situation has been described countless times in the last 9 months as a “war on the coronavirus.” Many families are feeling the economic impact of the pandemic—and that strain can be compounded by pressures of the holiday season.

On top of that, the usual traditions and festivities have been altered and canceled for many. Families are struggling over how to celebrate this year. Many will make the difficult decision to stay apart. Presents will get shipped all over the world, but it’s not quite the same as being there to open gifts with your loved ones.

Perhaps, we’re all starting to grumble.

How do we embrace this not-so-normal holiday season gracefully? How do we keep our kids (and ourselves) from turning into the Grinch?

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Here are some conscious parenting tips from one of our favorite holiday songs:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Look for ways to make your home space bright and cheery, especially if you’re spending most of your time indoors or facing bleak winter weather. You might go wild with tinsel and lights; you might bring in an extra lamp and a potted plant. Whatever you choose, find ways to involve your child in the decorating (or redecorating) process.

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Practice gratitude. Make a point to talk with your child about how much there is to be thankful for: good health, good friends, good food. If you find you or your child sliding into the holiday blues, acknowledge their feelings. This is a difficult time. Then, help them reframe their experience to focus on what’s positive to boost their mood.

️Don we now our gay apparel. Get all dressed up, even if there’s nowhere to go! Put on your best holiday clothes for a special meal or stroll around the neighborhood. The crowd may be small, but you can still celebrate in style. Don’t forget to take pictures to send to family and friends!

 Troll the ancient Yuletide carol. Keep your traditions, even if they don’t look the way you expect them to. Light the menorah, read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, eat cookies on Bodhi Day—show your children that there’s still reason to celebrate, even in the face of adversity. This year is also a great opportunity to start a new tradition to pass on to future generations.

Still wondering how to bring some cheer to your family’s holiday season? You don’t have to figure it out alone. The Guidance Approach to Parenting is all about collaborative problem-solving, so be sure to include your child in your holiday planning. Not only does your child have their own set of wants and needs, but they can also bring some much-needed creativity into the equation!

Our Facebook group is also a great resource for parents who need support or inspiration during the holidays. Join us to ask a question, or share a challenge, or show us how you’re celebrating.

Fa-la-la-la-la!

Categories
Culture Growth Personal Development

Can we ban normal, please?

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly” ~ Morticia Addams

Normal, by definition, is conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. (Oxford Languages)

As a non-conformist, normal gives me a twitchy eye.

Normal is subjective and perceptual. My “normal” is not the same as your “normal”. So, who’s normal is right? Besides, technically, when we force another to conform or fit into our own definition of normal, and they don’t want to, we are technically exhibiting abusive behavior.  *Insert twitchy eye*

Before you read further, I want to let you know that normal and I? We do not get along. I tried this normal stuff. I am not a fan.

In my experiences, normal is a societal belief that underlies many of the mental health issues we face, desensitizing us and has caused us to fear our individuality and uniqueness. So to say I would like to eliminate the ideas of “normal” is an understatement. With that said, I will share with you why I feel this way. Feel free to share your take on normal. I would love to know!

I see this behavior in the teens a lot, and because teens tend to reflect back what they are taught by the rest of us, once I noticed this in them, I really began to notice this everywhere.

Normal = acceptance. We tend to accept anything we have been told is normal, resulting in us accepting quite a bit in our society that is actually contributing to our distress and turmoil. When we want someone to accept something new we know they are going resist, we tell them it’s normal. 2020 is a great example of this. Please don’t do this.

Have you heard the question “when are we going to get back to normal?” Sure, we tend to be extremely resistant to change. I thank “normal” for this resistance we have developed. I understand the desire to go back to what we know. Does going back to “normal” make everything better? Spoiler alert: the answer is no. It only makes it familiar. We have evolved. Going backwards to familiar? This is not a good idea.

Our fear of change causes our selective memories to kick in and attempts to get us to go back to or maintain the normal.

A few statements we say that we have used to normalize things we know are abnormal:

  • “Don’t worry, it is normal to feel sick when you take those pills to not make you sick.”
  • “It is normal that politicians lie.”
  • “It is normal to feel like you don’t fit in.”
  • “It is normal that he/she treats other people like shit. You’ll get use to it as you spend time with them.”
And my favorite: “If you continue to do that, no one will think you are normal.” If you want to shame someone and force them to conform to your definition of normal, this is one way to do that. (For the record: I don’t recommend this.)

We accepted side effects, lying politicians, low self-worth, and shitty behavior from those around us as normal. When we accepted these as normal, it made setting any limitations to prevent these things very difficult.

If we use a different word, such as “expected”, in place of normal, we get a different tone to the statement.

It may be expected that you will or do feel like you don’t fit in. However, it doesn’t need to be accepted and it can be changed. It may be expected that politicians lie, but that behavior doesn’t need to be accepted.

We are desensitizing ourselves to life. We are full of fear. We fear being who we are. We fear change. We fear judgment. We know we don’t want any of this fear, yet, here we are, full of fear.

Instead of addressing the root cause, we have decided to medicate ourselves to conform to “normal”. Our mental health has declined and addiction rates have skyrocketed. In all of this, feelings have become abnormal. Feelings are intrinsic and a result of our thoughts. We cannot separate the two, yet we certainly are giving it our best attempts.

Here are nonverbal behaviors we have normalized:

  • Working until we burnout
  • Work in careers that we hate
  • Live beyond our means to simply prove our worth.
  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Over-scheduling kids and not allowing them to be kids, which teaches them how to not “just be”, and it also over schedules us. Which leaves no downtime, for anyone. Hi, burnout!
  • Not taking time off to rest when sick

Certainly, there are standards by which we can and need to measure things in life. Those standards, though, do not indicate normal. Common? Yes. Typical? Sure. Normal? No.

In business, how many times in a week do we chalk something up to normal, only to come to the conclusion down the road that normal cost us time/money/product/customers? Normal can even cost us our reputations in business.  If you aren’t sure, spend a week observing how many times you say “normal” or assume something is “normal”.  Notice how many times you behave in a “normal” way, and then take a look at what you noticed. What is helpful and what is harmful? How can you change the stuff that isn’t helping?

As parents, have you ever said “We need to look like a normal family. Please don’t act up.”? I have when my kids were young. You know what I realized with that statement? It planted a seed of shame in my kids. I have struggled with knowing I said that, for years. I projected my own insecurities of being judged onto 2 human beings who didn’t know how to carry that kind of weight. If you are unsure, spend a week observing how many times you reference normal, and then at the end of the week, look at the information. What is helping, what is harming? How can you change what isn’t helping? Include your kids on this one. They love this kind of stuff and will help them learn how to be more aware as well!

Overall, how many times do we turn a blind eye to something, and say “Oh that is normal. It will be fine.”, when we could have spoken up about something we saw and knew wasn’t fine?

Normal is comfortable, not healthy and many times is not safe like we want to believe it is. Developing our situational awareness can help reduce the amount of times we turn a blind eye. If you would like more information on situational awareness programs, reach out to Brian Searcy, Col. (Ret) USAF, Paratus Group.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

If we want to be able to embrace and flow with change that is ever present in life, my recommendation is this:

Eliminate “normal”. 

Give yourself permission to not compare, to not do something just because it is what you were told was normal.  See what happens. Open up your curiosity, explore new ideas and new ways of doing things. Throw that normal box in the recycling bin. Stretch yourself beyond normal.

Be curious. Be human. Be non-conforming.

Be uniquely you. You are awesome.

Charity Buhrow has spent her life redefining her “normal” life, shifting it from an extrinsically motivated life to an intrinsically motivated life. The results have allowed her to be able to reclaim her zen, and now she helps others do the same. If you are ready to get out of that box of normal discomfort, and reclaim your own zen, connect with her here!

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Women In Business

What’s fair about a chocolate bar?

All people must be treated equally—including children. But when you’re dealing with kids of different ages, interests, and personalities; it can be difficult to make decisions without having one (or all) of them storm off yelling, “But it’s not fair!”

Let’s take the example of “The Chocolate Bar.”

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Suppose two kids are given a chocolate bar. As a parent/caregiver wanting to teach fairness, the smart thing is to split the chocolate in half. Right? But wait—what if only one child likes chocolate? Is it still fair? Or would it be better to give the whole bar to the child who enjoys it?

Fairness is about getting everybody’s needs met. If each person’s needs were identical, then splitting the chocolate bar in half would work perfectly 100% of the time. But we know all too well that our children are more nuanced than that.

This principle doesn’t just apply between siblings either. There’s also the question of what’s fair between parent and child. While a fancy steak dinner might feel like a treat for you, it might feel like a punishment to your kid. They may respond with one of the three R’s (rebellion, resistance, or retaliation), and you may respond by calling them spoiled or ungrateful. Things spin out of control quickly, all because you expected your child to have a certain reaction to a steak dinner they never wanted to begin with!

So, how do you make decisions regarding vacations, leisure time, food, and more that are truly fair for your children?

  • Get to know your kid. What does your child truly enjoy? Would they rather eat yogurt than chocolate? Would one prefer reading over watching a movie during leisure time? Finding out what each child likes will help inform the decisions you make for the entire family.
  • Practice consideration. We can’t always get what we want when we want it. To teach children to give and take, Marshall Rosenberg suggests an interesting form of educational play. Designate one sibling as captain for the day, and give them authority to make all decisions for the group. The curveball: they have to give their “powers” over to another sibling the next day. This activity helps children learn to be considerate of each other’s needs by treating each other the way they want to be treated.
  • Loop them into decision-making. One of the fathers I work with told me a story of how he once planned a big holiday trip to France for his family. He ended up being sorely disappointed because when he finally revealed his plan, his children told him they wanted to visit their friends in California instead. Make your life easier by involving your kids in family decisions every step of the way. Getting your children’s opinion not only sharpens your kid’s collaborative skills, but it also makes the entire family more harmonious.

Fairness is not about “one for you, one for me.” Being truly fair is everyone’s needs are met (which isn’t everyone’s wants are met) it’s about being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration and as you show what it looks and feels like your kids know how and reciprocate with the same consideration back to you.  This way everyone’s unique preferences are recognized and everyone feels so seen, known, and loved just the way they are.  From this point family problem solving that is bringing everyone one’s voice into the space will bring about outcomes that are preventing future disappointments.

P.S. Want to continue the conversation about what’s fair? Join our Facebook group to ask a question or share a challenge.

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Culture Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How COVID is Changing the Fashion Industry

The pandemic taught us that we could live with a lot less. The overindulgence of items we surrounded ourselves with seemed frivolous and more like a form of gluttony from mindless purchasing. Many of our closets looked like a smorgasbord where we got our money’s worth from an all-you-can-eat buffet.   

 

We found ourselves cleaning out every nook and cranny we could find in our homes, including our often-overstuffed closets. Second-hand clothing stores had a tough time keeping up with the inundation of items coming into their stores. However, this robust inventory was a Godsend to those who felt financially crushed by the pandemic. The added stock was also the perfect storm for those who are ever so mindful of conserving resources and their role in social responsibility.    

   

Enter 2022. The office dress code is dead. Or dead in the way we once knew it.  

   

Gone are the days of having a work wardrobe and a casual wardrobe. The lines are now blurred. According to LinkedIn’s newsletter 29 Big Ideas That Will Change Our World in 2022, the 4-day workweek is ramping up. This shorter workweek gives us less time to wear our more formal business attire. The hybrid workplace is also here to stay.  

  

What we will see in 2022 will be multi-functional clothing—the demand for a practical, sustainable, and flexible wardrobe. The consumer will insist on attire that can take them from dropping off their kids at school, heading to the office – whether work-from-home or otherwise, lunch with a friend or business associate, back to work, running errands, or off to an event and back home. 

   

As such, fabric suppliers will see an increased demand for quality fabrics that are durable and comfortable, as noted on page 13 of The State of Fashion 2022 by The Business of Fashion and The McKinsey & Company. Capsule wardrobes, coined in the 1970s by Susie Faux and made popular by Donna Karan in 1985, will gain momentum as we embrace living the less is more lifestyle.  

 

In 2019 and 2020, we found ourselves looking for comfort, and we sought this through the fabrication of our clothing. The comfortable clothing we wore seemed to act as a soothing blanket in which we wrapped ourselves. While we were heading toward the casualization of wardrobe before the pandemic, what may surprise you is that many are ready for a restart. After living 9+ months in athleisure, many are craving something new. Liken it to nine months of wearing maternity clothes. There is joy in putting on regular clothing once again. The State of Fashion 2022 report found workwear such as blouses and suits now on the rise. Occasion dressing is also on the rise as we step back into attending events such as weddings, ceremonies, and galas.   

 

Businesses will need to weigh their dress codes’ effect on culture and brand. Some will adhere to the dress code of the past. According to the State of Fashion 2022 report, “… a growing number of consumers are likely to allocate more of their wallet share to investment pieces and versatile items, even as inexpensive items and impulse purchases remain an important part of the wardrobe mix for many in 2022.” Other businesses will embrace leniency in their dress code, entrusting their employees to make smart choices for their workday. There is never a one-size-fits-all.  

 

Sustainability will stay top of mind for both the consumer and fashion brands. Brands must find ways to ensure consumers’ items are environmentally safe and produced in ethical working conditions. Using technology such as QR codes on tags that allow the consumer to learn more about the sustainability of an item is already rising in popularity.   

 

Many people turned to thrift stores during the pandemic for financial reasons and explored rental clothing companies. I predict shopping thrift stores and renting clothing will gain significant market share.   

 

From Burberry to Banana Republic, fashion brands are racing to the rental market by creating subscription models. There is a significant opportunity for entrepreneurs in this market segment. For example, newcomer Preserve brings South Asian fashion to consumers through its rental model.   

 

People crave community and realize just how important it is to them now. We will see a return of boutique shops where locals will support the community that took care of them during the pandemic. Local shopping also offers a way to get items immediately. Small businesses will need to focus on creating experiences such as live video chats, in-store or online personal shopping, and same-day delivery and returns to and from your front door.   

 

Boutiques offer a sense of atypical clothing that consumers now crave. Like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, we are rebirthing our wardrobes with fun and colorful items. A wardrobe that stimulates us and brings a sense of inspiration. As seen with the rise in awareness of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, self-expression is making its way to the forefront. We long for ways to express ourselves honestly. One way to do this is through our appearance.   

 

Shopping online will also continue to rise. With this, the demand for innovative technology experiences will come into play, such as virtual try-ons using AI.   

 

I predict 2022 will be the bridge year from traditional business wear and strict dress codes to multi-purpose attire that exudes individual expression. When we consider purchasing new clothing, we will ask ourselves three questions: is it sustainable, multi-functional, and expressive. Dressing to express will far outweigh dressing to impress. 

 

Want to your personal image or your company’s dress standards to meet the value of your brand, contact me at sheila@imagepowerplay.com or 605.310.7166 to schedule a 30-minute call to discuss how we can work together to grow your influence through my return on image® services. To learn more, visit: www.imagepowerplay.com.