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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Dear Katherine: My Kid Thinks I Don’t Take Her Feelings Seriously

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

My 10-year-old daughter and I had a bit of an altercation. She and her sister were having an argument over a dress the younger one wanted to borrow. They took the fight into my work-from-home space.

To be honest, I was buried with deadlines and was about to hop on a call, so I immediately told my older daughter to let the younger one borrow the dress. She burst into tears and yelled that I didn’t take her feelings seriously.

Needless to say, I’m gutted. I don’t ever want my kids to feel dismissed. What do I do, Dear Katherine?

— Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent

Dear Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent,

I can certainly empathize with your predicament. As a working mom myself, I know what it’s like to feel too stressed and overwhelmed to give my kids undivided attention. You didn’t mean to come off as dismissive, and your gutted reaction shows that you are indeed a serious parent who wants to do right by your children.

It’s important to remember that parents, just like anyone else, are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Still, it’s our duty to provide a safe and loving environment where our kids can be seen, heard, and supported.

5 Tips to Help Your Child Feel Seen, Heard, and Supported
You know that you take your daughter’s feelings seriously despite being very busy. Here’s what you can do to show her just how much she matters to you:

1. Apologize.

Apologies are powerful catalysts for healing. Even though you didn’t mean to make your daughter feel ignored or neglected, let her know how sorry you are for hurting her feelings.

Then, ask her what exactly made her feel like you didn’t care. Did it seem like you were taking her sister’s side? Explain that you love them both equally and take both their feelings very seriously.

 

When everyone is feeling better, bring your two girls together and encourage them to resolve the dress issue. Can the younger one learn to respect the older one’s decision not to share that specific dress? Is there an alternative piece of clothing she can borrow?

Sharing is an important skill to learn, but let your children know it’s perfectly okay if there are some things they want to keep for themselves.

2. Stop what you’re doing and listen.

The next time your daughter demands your attention, step back and observe your reaction. Are you tapping your foot or looking at your phone? Did you even look up from your computer screen and make eye contact?

Give your kids at least a minute or two of your undivided attention when they need something. And if you’re just too busy at that particular moment, schedule a “Mommy and Me” time later in the day.

3. Acknowledge what she’s saying.

Problem-solving is certainly one of our most valuable skills as parents or caregivers, but don’t be so quick to find a solution that you dismiss what your child is trying to say.

Rather than placating children with toxic positivity (“Don’t be sad, cheer up!”), validate how they feel: “I can see that you’re feeling sad. Do you want to tell me why? Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

Raising self-assured children begins with teaching them that it’s important to acknowledge whatever emotion they’re feeling—so they can let it go when they’re ready.

4. Set reasonable boundaries.

As important as it is for children to acknowledge their feelings, it’s equally essential for them to learn that they have power over their emotions. Now is when they can learn that they don’t need to be overwhelmed by their emotions and can be with them rather than overwhelmed by them.

Your daughter may be angry at her sibling, but that doesn’t mean she can take it out on her—or anyone else for that matter. It’s never too early to teach children that negative feelings don’t have to translate to bad behavior.

5. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s hard to understand why a child could get so upset over being asked to shower, make their bed, or in your case, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent, lend her sister a dress.

But try to remember that kids have very little control over their everyday lives. The next time one of your daughters is upset, practice empathy to understand where she’s really coming from.

I hope this advice is helpful, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent. You’re juggling so much each and every day between work and parenting and everything else. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine
P.S. Want to connect with other parents and caregivers who share your successes and frustrations? Join the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook Group!

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

5 Ways You Can Ease Working Mom Guilt

A mom friend of mine sent me a picture this week. It showed her perched on the (closed!) pedestal on the toilet, resting her laptop on the toilet paper holder, while her daughter peeked over the side of the bath-tub doing her evening bathing routine. This is working mom life today. Juggling two jobs at once, but feeling like you’re doing neither one to the best of your ability. But even as the pandemic has passes, the mom’s guilt stays.

What can you do to help alleviate the guilt of having to balance your working responsibilities with those of being a good parent? Working mom guilt can paralyze us with stress and trigger our instincts of fight or flight – which, during the pandemic, are already heightened.

Ways You Can Ease Working Mom Guilt

The very first thing you can do is simply to breathe deeply. When you’re in the moment of heightened guilt, merely taking a few breaths can help put much-needed space between you and the situation.

Longer-term, you can seek to change your perspective on your guilt. Is it so bad for your child that they see mom working and having to prioritize her time? It sets an excellent example for your children and shows them that they can do or be anything they want to be, after all.

For a long time, we weren’t able to separate ourselves for even a few hours. Some of us are still not able to drop the kids off at childcare or school. Have you noticed how much clingier to you they were since they have you around 24/7?

Ordinarily, you can rest assured that despite your child’s tears at seeing you go (and possibly your own), you’re letting your child grow and form their thoughts and feelings and make personal friendships – without always looking to you for affirmation. You can relieve yourself of the guilt of letting them be in the care of someone else while you work.

However, in conversations with your child’s carers, how have you felt when it was someone else who was there for them when they cried? What about when you weren’t there for a milestone? Did you feel guilt and sadness that someone else spends more waking hours with your child, and might know them better than you?

There is a loneliness that settles into your heart as you learn how to juggle this new normal. I know you question if you are good enough—good enough at work, good enough as a mom, good enough as a spouse because I’ve thought and felt and carried all of these emotions too.

Letting go of the guilt comes with acceptance. Accepting that this is what is, and not hanging on to what SHOULD be.

This is especially true now, where we have not only had to juggle the roles of parent and employee, but also become our child’s teacher and playmate. How much guilt do you feel when you switch on the television or hand them a tablet to entertain themselves and ask them to be quiet while you try to conduct a meeting on zoom?

Knowing that it’s ok to be ‘good enough’ but not perfect, will give you more peace than trying to do everything correctly. You are not going to be the perfect mother. You are not going to be the ideal employee. And that’s ok. You are good enough, and that’s all you have to be.

It’s essential to establish your boundaries with your workplace. Your boss knows you’re a mom, and when you clock out promptly, it’s not your lack of ambition or slacking off. It’s merely that you have other responsibilities that you have to balance. They should hopefully be understanding of that. You’re not a bad employee because you’re a mom, any more than you’re a bad mom for working.

If you hate your job, but you do it to be able to pay the bills, then you are providing the means to create a childhood with a safe place to sleep and good things to eat.

When you have a job you love, and you do it because you are passionate about your cause, you are creating a childhood where little girls grow up to achieve their dreams and little boys see their moms and sisters and aunts and future daughters as equals.

Who Do You Surround Yourself With?

Think about who you surround yourself with? Do they support you, or mom-shame you? You’ll feel much lighter if you surround yourself with other moms and people who support you, and not those who tell you what you “should” be doing.

Don’t Follow The Rules

If you can stop following other people’s rules, you’ll achieve a step in relieving yourself of working mom guilt. Forget the rules. When you feel working mom guilt, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if I break the rules?” Your answer can bring you back to your reality.

It’s not only when you’re suffering mom guilt that you need to limit your own screen time, but it will help you to limit your distractions. When you do have time with your child, try to give them your attention for the short time you’re with them. This can be very challenging when you’ve already been pulled in every direction at work all day. But freeing yourself from other people’s perfectly curated lives, and being present for your child will give you far more peace of mind. And the ability to be a present and conscious parent.

Do It At Your Own Pace

Take one day at a time. Don’t keep looking to the future weekends or vacations. Just focus on getting through today. After all – eight hours is far more manageable than five days.

Think about how working makes you feel? Do you feel like a more well-rounded and grounded person for going to work? Your child will benefit more from a good role model, and happy mommy, than from one who feels bored or unfulfilled. That’s not to say mommies who stay home ARE bored and unfulfilled, but if you are someone who enjoys going to work, that won’t change when you also have a family.

Don’t Judge Yourself

We are all our harshest critics. Especially when working motherhood is such a significant part of our identity. Have you ever forgotten something at your child’s school? A PJ day or pot luck? Or felt guilty that other parents put together a perfect Valentine’s gift bag for the entire class, while your offering lacked the same detail and imagination?

To stop beating yourself up, reserve self-judgment. Think about the bigger picture. Will any of those moments of guilt affect your child’s performance in school? We all forget things, and no one is perfect, and you can release yourself from the self-judgment.

It is ok to make mistakes and to help yourself you can learn from them.

Getting organized will help, and your phone is your friend. Set reminders, and use apps or planners that will remind you of everyone’s schedules.

Would you be a better mom if you only had one full-time job, and not two? It’s easy to think that perhaps stay-at-home moms are happier because they are not trying to do it all.

Mom Christy Lilley admits she’s asked herself that question many times. She says that she agrees that their lives would be less stressful and more manageable if she wasn’t working. “Things would be calmer, our weekends and nights would be less hectic,” she says.

However, she adds that she doesn’t think that she would be happier and that maybe it’s easy to believe that the grass is always greener.

We can accept working mom guilt isn’t going to go away completely. But you can work towards alleviating that guilt and see the positives of being a working mom.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

PS. Check out my newest appearance on PedsDocTalk discussing why being mindful as a parent is important for your child’s success. Click here to listen and don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Management News and Politics Personal Development

4 Reasons to Stop Using the Word BIPOC…Like Now!

I pride myself on being a continual student of life. I am always looking to learn more about what I do not know. I also know that if I am going to continue to do my work in the area of diversity, equity, and inclusion, I can never become too arrogant to think I have it all figured out. Enter the word BIPOC, which is a word I am afraid to admit I just learned about in 2020. I first thought it meant “BIsexual People of Color.” From what I have learned about this term, I have come to believe that this term is problematic for several reasons and organizations especially should stop using the term immediately.

According to the New York Times, the term first started appearing in social media circles in 2013. The term started to gain more prominence in 2020 in the wake of protests over the killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and others. Since then, the term has sprung up everywhere. Organizations such as the BIPOC project are centered on a mission to “build authentic and lasting solidarity among Black, Indigenous and People of Color (BIPOC), in order to undo Native invisibility, anti-Blackness, dismantle white supremacy and advance racial justice.” They also state that they use the term BIPOC to “highlight the unique relationship to whiteness that Indigenous and Black (African Americans) people have, which shapes the experiences of and relationship to white supremacy for all people of color within a U.S. context.” While I respect their mission and the sentiments of others who identify with this word, this term should no longer be adopted into our lexicon for the following four reasons.

  1. The term “BIPOC” is like a double negative (or double-positive if you prefer).

If Black people are “people of color” and our indigenous or Native American people are “people of color” than the term itself is repetitive.

  1. Black & Indigenous people don’t have that much in common.

While the term BIPOC exists to express solidarity, it groups together a group of people whose histories could not be more different. The experience of Native Americans is like no other and is an extremely understudied aspect of American history. Native American history is often told from the perspective of the people who arrived on boats as opposed to from the perspective of people who were on the soil whereas black people were brought to this country through the transatlantic slave trade.

Both black people and Native Americans have experienced great oppression but their stories are also complicated by the fact that some Native Americans were also owners of enslaved Africans. Then of course, we can talk about the African American soldiers known as the Buffalo Soldiers who killed Native Americans in the 1800s. So what do these two groups really have in common? Queue reason #3 to stop using BIPOC—whiteness.

  1. Uniting around whiteness is not the way to go.

Black people and Native Americans have experienced severe forms of oppression at the hands of white colonizers and enslavers. Native Americans were also enslaved by colonizers. There are indeed countless examples of Native Americans and black people working towards unity, demonstrated in the 20th century by the fight for equality and civil rights and black & brown empowerment movements. The point here is that historically, most of the times that Native American and black solidarity has been demonstrated has been in response to white oppression. Is this reason enough to combine these groups in such a generic fashion? We cannot build movements based off of opposition to another group because real solidarity does not fully exist if it can only exist with a common enemy.

  1. Why do white people just get to be white?

I have seen so many terms used to describe non-white people throughout American history from Negro, colored, and Hispanic, to Indian, people of color, and LatinX. Now we have BIPOC. Throughout all of this, white people just still get to be called white. Not only is this annoying because, last time I checked, white is a color too, but also because the more terms we come up with, the more white people are viewed as being the original people and everyone else is colored into that white narrative of originality. Putting white people basically at the center of creation is not historically accurate. I have written more extensively about the broader problems the term “people of color” creates and why we should not use it so I will not revisit that here. I will just say that the more time we spend coming up with new terms to describe nonwhite groups, the more we actually strengthen the narrative of white Eurocentric dominance in America.

At the end of the day, I do not have the right to challenge how any one individual chooses to identify with a culture or identity. I am speaking to the challenges that exist on a collective level when we continually create new terms for people who ultimately do not have that much in common, as we have done with the term “people of color.” I argue for us to be intellectually energetic enough to treat each group with the respect they deserve in the same way we do white people. Both white people and Native Americans owned slaves but no one has come up with the term WIPOC to express solidarity. Let us tell the story of Native Americans, black people, and all cultural or racial groups with the individual respect they deserve. This is crucial in your commitment to creating communities where everyone is celebrated and not tolerated. Let’s GO!

Watch the video here.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Dear Katherine: My toddler won’t stop bugging his older brother!

 

How to Create Boundaries Between Siblings


Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

I’m a mother of two sweet boys, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Recently, my husband and I have noticed more fighting in our household. We were quick to attribute it to our older son, but after talking to him, we discovered it was actually the other way around. My toddler keeps pressing his older brother’s buttons and won’t leave him alone! What should I do? How do I explain space and boundaries to two kids under 7?

– Trying to Create Space

Dear Trying to Create Space,

I couldn’t help but smile at your letter. We often attribute sibling misbehavior to the older child, failing to consider all the mischief younger ones are capable of!

The truth about your toddler is that he’s not yet at the developmental stage where he can fully understand social interaction. Because he doesn’t have a fully formed frontal cortex, it’s still quite difficult for him to distinguish which behaviors are upsetting.

That explains why jumping all over his older brother or pulling his hair is so much fun!

Still, it’s never too early to teach your children to respect each other’s boundaries. Here are some tips you might find helpful:

Create a “space bubble.” Sit your two boys down and explain that it’s normal for them to want time to themselves. Ask them to identify these moments (e.g. “I like to be alone when I’m building my LEGO set or taking a bath”) and reassure them that alone time is perfectly okay.

Then, make a game out of creating a “space bubble.” Whenever each of them wants time alone, they can announce “I’m going to the space bubble” or wear something silly on their head to signify what they’re doing. If your toddler isn’t having it, tell him he can spend time with Mommy or Daddy while his brother’s in the space bubble.

 

Teach them to respect each other’s belongings. It’s common for young siblings to fight over toys and other belongings, but you can help them become better at sharing. Teach your boys to ask permission when they want to play with each other’s toys, books, or crayons. When your toddler suddenly grabs his brother’s coloring book, explain that he can either wait his turn or ask to borrow it. Encourage sharing on both sides.

Also realize not sharing is OKAY. There are things all of us worry about getting broken or soiled or damaged. We protect ourselves from loss and disappointment when we know what not to share. Honoring those boundaries is part of being respectful, too.

Find better ways to connect. What do toddlers crave most? Attention. If your 3-year-old keeps poking his brother in the rib or making faces at him, he probably just wants to connect with him. Show your little one that there are better ways to get someone’s attention, like touching them (gently!) on the arm, calling their name, or asking them if they want to play.

Take the opportunity to discuss that people can only truly say yes to you when they know it is okay to say no to you, too. This rule applies to humans of any age and may provide an opportunity for a conversation about handling disappointment.

Model effective communication. Your 3-year-old may still stumble over his words, but everyone else in the family should model effective communication to set a good example. Prompt your toddler to name how he feels (e.g. “Are you crying because you’re hungry/sad/angry/tired?”) and ask for what he wants (e.g. “I want to borrow your bike or build a LEGO set with you.”)

The phrase “would you be willing” is especially powerful because it conveys that what is being asked is actually a request and not a demand (e.g., “Would you be willing to share your LEGOs with me? Would you be willing to let me ride your bike”) Good communication allows for empathy and understanding.

Trying to Create Space, raising two kids at different developmental stages certainly isn’t easy.

But it’s never too early to start teaching the importance of respect, personal space, boundaries, and communication!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

 

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Should parents always present a united front?

 

Did you ever catch that children’s program, Bananas in Pajamas?

The main characters are two bananas, B1 and B2, who are identical in every way. They walk the same, talk the same, and very often think the same! B1 and B2 are always aligned, and they live in the kind of harmonious home that could ONLY exist on a kid’s TV show.

The Banana family is unknowingly helping to perpetuate the myth of the united front. I’ve worked with thousands of parents in the last 20 years, and most of them believe that parents should be in total agreement when it comes to making decisions about their kids. Like identical twin bananas, they strive to feel, think, and react the same way to their children.

Child: Can I go to a friend’s house this weekend?
Parents: (In unison) Yes!

Child: Can I eat this block of chocolate for dinner?
Parents: (United) No!

Child: Can you teach me to square dance?
Parents: (At the same time) Maybe later.

You get my point.

The problem is that the united front isn’t real! You and your parenting partner are two distinct human beings. You each have your own history, upbringing, and unique set of experiences. You’re probably unconsciously passing down behaviors and beliefs you learned as a child, long before you met your partner or became a parent. Your opinions may be influenced by deeply held beliefs about age, gender, propriety, and other factors. You might feel the way you do because of what you ate for breakfast.

In short, it’s I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E to agree with your partner on every single issue or question around raising your kids. Trying to present a united front is not only exhausting, it’s inauthentic.

At the same time, you don’t want to get into a pattern where your child runs from one parent to the other, only respecting the answer they want to hear. What’s a conscious parent to do?

Be honest. If you disagree with your partner on certain issues when it comes to your kids, be transparent with them about your feelings. Ignoring your differences will cause more trouble later on. Discuss your own childhoods and how your experiences have shaped you to react differently.
Show your support. You can have a different opinion than your partner without undermining them. For example, “I’d love to play music right now, but Daddy needs to work” is a better explanation for your child than “Your Dad says we can’t play music right now. He’s no fun.”
Forget good cop, bad cop. No one’s “good” or “bad” for feeling one way or another. Learn to honor your individuality in front of your children while respecting your partner’s feelings (and your child’s). It will teach them to do the same.

I hope you’re ready to lay the myth of the united front to rest!

If you’d like to join a community of parents who don’t always agree but still support one another, check out the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group!

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Best Practices Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

3 Reasons Antiracism Efforts Are Failing At Your Organization

The year 2020 has been called the year of America’s racial reckoning by some. It’s been called a time where movements for racial and social justice exploded on the national scene. I have to be honest. I am not convinced. As a student of history, I have learned to analyze the difference between what activist Joe Madison calls a moment versus a movement. Was #metoo a moment or a movement? In my opinion, it has turned out to be a moment in history because I have not seen wholesale systemic change in how women are treated in the workplace beyond certain individuals like Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and others rightfully having their careers and fame challenged and more or less ended. I feel a similar vibe happening with the work of antiracism.

I have been engaged in so many powerful trainings and talks with organizations on the issue of antiracism, defined by some as “the policy or practice of opposing racism and promoting racial tolerance.” From the human resources to the executive level, I have been truly impressed by the sincerity by which these organizations have taken issues of racial or social justice head-on. Below I am sharing three reasons why the antiracist efforts of your organization may not be working.

  1. You do not fully understand what antiracism is.

Is antiracism just a word at your company? Are you and your colleagues really learning vocabulary that speaks to the challenges we face today? Can you and your colleagues explain the difference between racism and systemic racism or a microaggression and a stereotype? Words matter. Definitions matter. I have had multiple situations where I had to work with an organization on just agreeing to the same definition of a term like antiracism before we could move on in any other part of the discussion and it was completely worth it because, in times when this was not done, we had to backtrack and start over with definitions.

This is an extremely important step because if I’m looking at systemic racism as “a form of racism that is embedded as a normal practice within society or an organization” and you are looking at racism from the lens of “I never owned slaves so I’m not responsible for racism” or “if you just work hard you can overcome anything” without even acknowledging the “systemic” part of “systemic racism”, any training we do is going to be unintentionally sabotaged from the beginning. Invest the time necessary to get on the same page before you move forward.

  1. You are too focused on the problem and not the solutions.

Too many organizations have focused their antiracism efforts on reading articles and books and talking about them. This obviously must continue but it cannot be enough. For many nonwhite people, especially black people I have spoken to at some organizations, antiracism training is just the replacement term for diversity training. Saying “Black Lives Matter” is the new version of saying “We value diversity.” Organizations that have been more successful with their antiracism efforts have shown that black salaries matter and black employees matter. In short, they understand that representation matters.

Organizations that have hired more nonwhite people at the executive level, granted more power to their directors of diversity, and have increased representation of nonwhite people across the board are experiencing greater employee satisfaction and are celebrated more by their customers, exemplified by MSNBC naming Rashida Jones as president of the network and introducing more shows hosted by black people such as Tiffany Cross and Johnathan Capehart. It is represented by President-elect Biden not just saying he believed in diversity but making his cabinet more diverse including adding Native American congressperson Deb Haaland to his cabinet as well as appointing the first openly gay cabinet member in Pete Buttigieg.

  1. Antiracism is a fad at your organization.

I remember during the summer of 2020 seeing “black lives matter” signs going up everywhere from Dell to Starbucks. Even republican senators like Mitt Romney had marched for black lives and verbalized the phrase. Microsoft’s advertising department got in trouble after an email surfaced asking that they paint a #blacklivesmatter mural while the protests were “still relevant.” This led to a powerful response by artist Shantell Martin, who partially wrote that “Education and Accountability must occur in order to see REAL change. Supporting equality only when it’s popular is in itself a form of racism.”

While the aforementioned situation does not represent all of Microsoft, it does express the sentiments that I have seen by some leaders of organizations and companies that see work on antiracism as the flavor of the month. The fact of the matter is that, especially in the age of social media, your company will indeed be exposed positively or negatively. Your organization would actually be better off doing nothing rather than putting forth a half-hearted measure that will create more problems than you are trying to solve. Make sure your efforts are sincere and you are more likely to get buy-in from most parties involved.

     Going forward.

At the end of the day, it is important that your organization steps back to truly assess what your goals are when you state that you want to embrace antiracist policies. I have stated before that even though I am an antiracist and committed to the work, I am not a big fan of the word because it literally focuses (by the definition of the word “anti”) on what we are against as opposed to what we are for. It is similar to the late Mother Teresa stating that she would never attend an anti-war rally but would attend a pro-peace rally.

If you really want to assess your antiracist efforts, you should look at what progress your company has made eight months after the killing of George Floyd, which was one of the major catalysts for today’s antiracist efforts along with the killing of Breonna Taylor. In the same way you have not heard their names on television lately due to potential social justice fatigue, is your organization experiencing antiracism fatigue or just not moving forward? The three steps above may help you but only if you and your organization are sincere about the work and honest about exposing the challenges your organization faces in order to make sure that you are part of a movement and not a moment. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32223″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fbecome-c-suite-network-executive-membership%2Fpricing-options%2F|||”]

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Rewarding Your Child Actually Bad for Them?

Imagine having a remote control to manage and direct your kid’s behavior.
 
Clean your room. Done.
Do your homework. Done.
 
Go to bed. Done.
 
Wouldn’t life be a breeze? No more nagging. No more heated arguments. No more talking back.
It’s a joke of course—or is it?
 
Life would certainly be easier if our kids always did what we asked.
 
But then they’d be more like robots and less like the complex, wonderful humans we know and love.
 
In my TEDxChandlersCreek presentation, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I talk about how the reward and punishment method can be similar to using a remote control on our kids.
When we try to manipulate our children’s behavior by rewarding actions that we deem “good” and punishing those we see as “bad,” we activate the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
 
Why?
 
Because rewarding “good” behavior tells our kids they only deserve praise or love when they accomplish specific goals or act in a socially acceptable manner.
 
On the flip side, when we punish so-called “bad” behavior, we fail to address the unmet need fueling the misdeed.
 
Ignoring the messages behind our kids’ actions inadvertently tells them that they don’t matter.
 
Relying on rewards and punishments gives them the impression that we don’t care if they’re sad, angry, or lonely—we just want them to behave well. Like robots.
 
I myself was a product of unconscious parenting. I had to learn how to honor my inner voice after being taught to suppress my authentic self in the name of “good” behavior.
 
I talk about my own journey and so much more in the presentation, which you can watch right here.
 
Love and Blessings,
Katherine
 
P.S. I recently had the privilege of speaking with LaWann Moses on the More Than a Mother podcast. Together, we had a powerful dialogue about the underlying issues that many parents are dealing with in their relationships with their children. Check out the episode to learn more!
 
https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Categories
Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

Should schools also speak separately to white students, parents, and staff?

I have been really impressed by the steps taken by schools to speak to the racial tensions engulfing America right now. I have had the honor in my work to also lead some of these discussions as well and will be leading more. As a parent of K-12 children, I have also watched my own school’s response to the crisis in America today. Moreover, I have spent a great deal of time reviewing the responses of schools at the university level. While I have appreciated the fact that so many of these institutions have initiated or renewed a commitment to ensuring that black lives matter, I have found myself asking one question over and over again: what direct message is going out to white students, students, and staff?

Across the country, many social media posts have popped up with some form of @blackat… handle. These are accounts where black students, as well as alumni, have posted their negative experiences being black at their schools. These stories started to really trend in 2016 after incidents of racism at schools like American University, where I teach. I was inspired by this movement to finally write about my own “black at” experience from 7th-12th grade at Boston Latin School. I believe the @blackat… postings are also a large part of the reason why schools have been feeling more pressure to respond to their black students in ways they have not before. I wonder if, in some unintentional way, that this is leading to black students being singled out in ways that might do more harm than good despite the best intentions of schools. Let’s look at an example.

One high school I was watching sent out an email that they were having a zoom call for black students, another call for multiracial students, and a third one for all students. I have spoken at enough schools to know that this can backfire. While many black students can be vocal and will speak up on issues, this type of action can lead to black students feeling they have to be the representative for all black people, which is an added burden, particularly in schools where they are not in the majority. Furthermore, not meeting with the white students separately can make it seem like they’re being brought in as allies and not as partners. I have written about how this concept of “allyship” can create more problems than it solves. Another reason this is problematic is because many of the challenges black students face come at the hands of white students in addition to other issues, such as curriculum and staffing. Did I expect the students who wore white hoods in protest of my running for class president to really care for a call to all students about racial unity? Those students needed separate interventions, which never came and made me feel more marginalized. Schools, therefore, need to create environments where white students can be organized and spoken to directly about the antiracist work they must be doing amongst themselves. Robin DiAngelo speaks in White Fragility to the work white people must do to challenge racism. The book is primarily for adults but much of the work can be instructive for students as well. This takes us also to white parents and staff. I have appreciated the calls I have been on and led with parents of all backgrounds, and oftentimes the white parents and staff outnumber the black parents and staff. This makes sense given the makeup of these schools but if the black parents and staff are going to be separated or addressed in separate conversations, which happens, wouldn’t the fight for equity and equality necessitates that white, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American parents and staff be spoken to separately as well? Are schools equipped to even have that conversation? Are they ready to discuss, for example, how many private schools always use a black child as the face for the financial aid campaigns although the school may have more white students in the school on some form of financial aid? Are they ready to discuss the social networks that often form among white parents and staff that often exclude black people unless some form of representation is needed? My wife and I have had to often think twice before sending our kids to some birthday parties because we had to be sure that our kids were really invited because of friendship and not out of a desire to have diversity at a party. Examples like these are endless.

At the end of the day, I could write an entire dissertation on the ways in which our schools are failing its black students. Many like Dr. Gloria Ladson-Billings and Glenn Singleton have already done that work and more are doing it now. What is most important now is that schools realize that black students are suffering for real reasons that go beyond the lack of representation of their full history in the curriculum. Much of what we suffer as black students, parents, and staff in these schools comes at the hands of our interactions, or lack thereof, with white students, parents, and staff. If schools are going to be really serious about addressing issues related to the black lives matter movement, they must be equally dedicated to challenging white students, parents, and staff in an authentic way that leads them to understanding their role in this movement. It is obvious that all white people are not to blame and I commend the white student, parents, and staff who are out there doing the work every single day to condemn ignorance and create true equity and equality. It is high time, however, that schools directly challenge their white students, parents, and staff in ways that go beyond a book club and curriculum review. Those are good points of departure but the journey is long and must go deeper beyond this moment.

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

How to Become an Awesome Parenting Partner

 

Whether you parent with a partner who sleeps next to you at night, co-parent with an ex, or even share the responsibility of raising your kid with Grandma or Grandpa, those relationships have their ups and downs. Parenting is fraught with daily stresses, and our conversations can very easily sound like this:

Didn’t I tell you they need to start Zoom school at 9? It’s 9:30!
How can you let them watch TV when I literally just said they can’t?!
Why do I feel like I’m doing everything and you’re doing nothing?

Sound familiar? You might find it increasingly challenging to manage working from home, keeping house, and playing teacher to your kid. And because of that, your relationship with your parenting partner may be on the rocks.

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Here are 5 ways to help you repair that relationship and become a better parenting partner:

  1. Practice effective communication. Sighs, grunts, and eye-rolls aren’t effective ways to communicate. Kind, clear communication is crucial to raising healthy and secure kids. Instead of yelling “You never help me when I need you to!”, try (calmly) saying, “I feel overwhelmed because I have a meeting in five minutes. Can you help me by [insert your specific request]?”
  2. Be strategic. Treat your parenting tasks like business goals, especially when issues arise. Create a schedule. Prepare an agenda. Have objectives. Exchange relevant information with your partner and keep them in the loop. Work together to come up with solutions.

  1. Cultivate an atmosphere of respect. One of the fundamental values of conscious parenting is communicating with respect. As parenting partners, you need to model that behavior in how you talk to, and about, each other. Avoid trash-talking your partner or undermining their authority, especially in front of your child.
  1. Agree to be consistent. It’s confusing for a kid to continually shift from one set of rules and expectations to another. Apply consistency to bedtime, chores, and study and play periods. Get on the same side about what’s permitted and what isn’t. Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them and be consistent.
  1. Chill out. Overextending yourself in too many directions makes you tired, overwhelmed, and cranky. For the sake of your partner, your child, and yourself, make sure you create time in your schedule to kick back and relax. Even a few minutes of quiet time makes a difference.

When sticking to these guidelines feels challenging, remember the ultimate goal: to raise happy, healthy children. And that can only be achieved when the parenting team—you and your partner—are happy and healthy too.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

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Best Practices Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

From allies to partners: how white people can be better listeners

I’ve heard and read several stories about what white people need to do right now. Many of those stories talked about the need for white people to listen. That is absolutely true, but there are two points that need to be added: how to listen, and what to do after whites listen. I must say that I have heard for years that white people will only listen to other white people and they need to have their own conversations. While I do believe that white people need to do more amongst each other to further the work to end racism, we must ask what would happen if people like Dr. King believed he couldn’t speak to white people? With that, I am going to share my thoughts on how white people need to listen and what to do after they do so.

Les Brown once said to me that we have two ears and one mouth and that we should use them in proportion. So the first step in listening is to truly commit to not responding to every point brought up by black people who are speaking up about racism. For example, when I conduct my trainings on black boys in our educational system, I’ve been told by white educators that the issue isn’t race, it’s class. It’s not race, it’s gender. It’s not race, it’s this or that. Are you someone who is quick to say you want to listen but then shoot down the arguments made by the person you claim to be listening to? There is a difference between listening to what you want to hear and what the person speaking has to and often needs to say.

So rather than listen to correct, listen to respect. Rather than listen to analyze, listen to empathize. Rather than listen to teach, listen to learn. After you listen, acknowledge the words shared with you and acknowledge what you didn’t know. You don’t lose anything by being honest. I’ve had multiple conversations with white people in the last few days who have said things like “I really didn’t understand until I saw that video of George Floyd being killed” or “I really thought we had turned a corner once Obama was elected” or “I don’t know what to do as a white person right now.” Many of us in the black community get frustrated by these comments but I have also heard these and similar comments from black people who also thought these days were behind us. We have to take people for what they know when they know it but then it’s time for action.

The next step after listening is not take the patronizing mentality of “I’ll be your ally.” There is a certain level of arrogance that has started to develop with this term “ally.” We don’t need allies. We need partners. Allies help out and go home. Partners work together for a common good. Allies go to the sporting venue to cheer on their team and go home after the win (or loss). Partners are on the court as a player on the team and fight together for a common cause, win or lose. Where do you fit in the stadium of effective listening?

Once you believe you have become an effective listener, it’s now time for action. Action takes many forms but the first form is educating yourself. What’s on your bookshelf? Who is on your podcast favorites? What documentaries are you watching? Reading lists such as these are great ways to get started. Dr. King said that the two most dangerous things in this world are sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. You don’t know what you don’t know. You have to get out and learn so that you can engage from an informed position. That way after you start to listen, you can simultaneously engage in the work needed to challenge racism, systemically and individually. Systemic work looks at ways you can challenge racism wherever it presents itself in society. Individual work looks at conversations you should be having with your neighbors, co-workers, and especially family members who espouse racist ideas.

I saw a sign during the protest that said “White silence equals police violence” and several spins on that. Whether you agree with that or not, it is indeed true that silence equals compliance. By not becoming an engaged listener, educating yourself, and speaking up when you witness ignorance or injustice, you are part of the problem. There is no middle ground. As you can see, this country is in an all-hands-on deck approach. Where do you stand? How will you stand? We are working with or without you but I believe that success is better together. Dr. King said that he would rather see a good sermon than hear one. The world is waiting to see your sermon. Let’s go!