We’ve talked a lot about social conditioning that holds women back from stepping into their power as negotiators. We’ve talked, too, about the importance of preparing for negotiations. Some people have been asking, “So what do I do when I’m in the negotiation? Give me some practical strategies for that, Cindy.” So, ever responsive to your needs, the next few blog posts will be a series dealing with hands-on skills and tools you’ll need when you’re in the thick of it. Because let’s face it – you can’t get to the end of the negotiation and get the results you want without first going through the negotiation.

First up on deck is the misunderstood art of concessions. Contrary to popular belief, concessions do not necessarily indicate weakness. While it’s true that concession is the act of yielding, skilled negotiators strategically plan for concessions in negotiations. I’m going to encourage you to adopt this practice. As with most things in negotiation, the key is to be intentional. Don’t let yourself get caught off guard, or be reactive, or get caught up in the moment and yield things you ought not to yield. Instead, be proactive. Plan in advance. Determine what concessions you’re willing to make and when. In other words, plan the when and what of concessions.

Be strategic. Negotiation is a dynamic process. Effective negotiations (especially those for long-term relationships) involve give and take. There will likely be trade-offs on both sides. Consider your priorities and the other party’s likely priorities. Similarly, consider your why (see my earlier post about the 5W’s) and the other side’s deeper why. Brainstorm to come up with concessions that you can afford to give without losing your needs, or better yet, that will help you get what you really need (by meeting the other side’s why without sacrificing your own). Be clear in your own mind about the boundaries or limits of what concessions you can afford to offer so you don’t slip past your own line in the sand. Be open to entertaining new possibilities while you’re knee-deep in the negotiation but be cautious not to let emotion (whether enthusiasm or fear) outweigh your judgement. Reflect on the pros and cons and consequences before you offer up new unanticipated or unplanned concessions mid-negotiation.

Also be strategic about the timing of your concessions. Many negotiation instructors will tell you to always make the other side give the first concession. I don’t agree. So long as you’ve done your work in advance, and planned for your concessions mindfully, you can use timing to your advantage with purpose. Depending on who you’re dealing with, it may be more effective to offer the first concession and then capitalize on that. Much like my response to those negotiators who advise to always be on higher ground than your ‘opponent’, it’s my view that if I’m strong in my position and my preparation, then nobody is going to move me off my mark unless I want to be moved. It won’t matter if they’re standing above me, below me or on their head. These tactics lose their power once they’re recognized and identified. So, feel free to play with the timing of your concessions – how and when you dole them out.

Having said that, be careful to manage expectations. If you offer too big a concession too early, you may signal to the other side that you don’t believe your own initial demands are realistic and/or signal that there’s more there. Avoid giving all your concessions too early. Pace yourself, so you have concessions in your back pocket to produce as a trade-off for something important that may come up during the negotiation. Studies suggest that people react more favorably to concessions which are doled out in increments rather than all at once. It’s like enjoying family holiday gifts leisurely over the course of the day rather than a mad feeding frenzy where nobody gets time to appreciate each item and moment. Pacing typically increases gratitude.

Before making a concession, consider: Is this still an issue? What’s the value of this concession to each side at this stage of the negotiation? Am I giving it all when something less would do? Has the other side ‘earned’ this concession or is there immediate value for me in giving it now? And I getting something in return? Don’t expect that your actions will speak for themselves and be appreciated on their own merits. Human nature often has people resist acknowledging the good deeds of others as a way to resist the reciprocity obligation. For some this is unconscious, for others intentional oblivion. Don’t be shy to name your concession. Depending on the relationship, you may want to make sure you identify your concession when you offer it up – both its cost to you and the benefit to the other party.

Tied to that, always be mindful to make sure there is reciprocity. In other words, make sure the other side is giving concessions to match your offers. Don’t fall into the trap of bargaining against yourself. Unless you have a good tactical reason to do so, avoid giving back to back concessions without anything in return. It’s okay to ask for reciprocity. In fact, I encourage it if the other side isn’t volunteering. Don’t make the mistake we often make as women, where we expect that our partners, kids or otherwise will know what we want and need. Ask for what you want. Identify your concession and suggest, specifically, what you think might be an appropriate reciprocal concession. This makes sure they don’t wiggle off the hook and try to take advantage, and it also increases the likelihood that you’ll get what you actually want rather than wasting a concession that’s of little value to you.

Know that it’s okay to offer contingent concessions. In other words, if you’re uncertain about the likelihood of reciprocity from your bargaining partner, then signal that you’re prepared to give x if they’re prepared to give or do y. While you don’t want every concession to come with strings tied to pre-conditions, it can be an effective way to move forward when reciprocity is not forthcoming. Ultimately, it’s about building trust and credibility.

Some people see concessions as the lifeblood of negotiations. Think about an upcoming negotiation (whether personal or professional) and brainstorm about your ‘asks’ and what possible concessions you could plan for (and how). Hopefully these few tips will give you the foundation to start practicing how to use concessions to your advantage to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom!

There’s debate about whether Polar caps are melting, whether polar bears are at risk, and whether a Polar Express really picks up kids in the middle of the night on Christmas eve to take them to the North Pole. But the more concerning debate right now is whether men and women are getting increasingly polarized and at risk of reaching a fatal tipping point in the balance of power from which the sexes can’t recover. Fake news or real world problems? What do you think?

We often hear about gender bias and usually assume it means bias imposed by men against women. But what about women’s own internal biases? Study after study has shown that when women are primed based on their gender they perform worse. What do I mean by that? In a study of a group of young women taking a math test, where half the control group were asked to identify their gender – just identify whether they’re male or female – that half performed worse than the half who didn’t have to identify their gender. In fact, in a Harvard study of Asian-American students, the young women performed better when they had to identify their ethnicity but worse when they had to identify their gender. Similarly, a national U.S study of students taking AP calculus showed that the young women who were asked to identify their gender before the test performed worse than those asked the question after. This result held true even in studies when the priming was subconscious. In other words, in another Harvard study, even when ‘feminine’ words (like lipstick, pink or doll), were subliminally flashed unbeknownst to the participants, those primed with the feminine words performed worse than those primed with neutral words.

Let’s think about that for a moment. If the mere idea of identifying as a woman somehow makes us under-perform and not achieve our actual potential or capabilities, what does that say about the limiting beliefs girls and women have internalized about their gender? Think of the destructive power of these beliefs.

It goes even further. Not only do studies confirm that our performance is negatively impacted, but some studies support that our very ideas about what we’re even interested in can be manipulated by gender priming. For example, in a joint Toronto and Boston psychology study, female undergraduate students who were subliminally flashed with images of women not visible to the naked eye in advance of answering a questionnaire, ended up expressing a preference for arts over math whereas those who had been primed with male images did not.

When I thought about these studies, it made me wonder, how many times have I held myself back or pursued a path that may not have been my heart’s desire without being aware of it. Can you think of a time or times when maybe you underperformed even though you knew your stuff cold and you weren’t sure why, or maybe you stopped yourself from asking for more money, or you let a man take your idea, or held your tongue til you thought it might bleed, or maybe just doubted yourself and held back from going for something big?

Why does this happen? Where does this come from? And how does it affect the workplace, relationships, and your ability to negotiate your life?

Consider that gender biases and priming work both ways. Women, it seems, are primed to feel ‘less than’. But men are primed too. Studies suggest that still today, even elementary school-aged young boys are already primed about what it means to be ‘a man’. If a box is drawn on the blackboard and described as the ‘man box’, and the young boys are asked to describe the kinds of attributes that should go inside this box – in other words, that make a ‘man’ – invariably they lay out a host of old-school stereotypical characterizations of men. Like stud, strong, doesn’t cry, loves sports, takes charge. In other words, an image of hyper-masculinity.

How many of the men in your life do you think have felt pressure to act a particular way or ‘show up’ a certain way that may not have reflected how they felt at that moment, or maybe at all. Have you ever noticed that forced posturing in your father, partner, sons or other men in your life?

‘So what?’ some women may say. ‘Boo hoo – poor men made to feel like dominant over-performers.’ How does that compare to a lifetime of being made to feel like a submissive ‘not enough’?

Maybe we need to rethink how we look at this. Maybe it’s time to start reframing the problem – or at least broadening the lens. Clearly it’s problematic and unacceptable that women are (and have been) systematically conditioned not to reach their full potential. We’re faced with a host of limiting beliefs imposed upon us before our first tooth breaks through our tender gums. But isn’t imposing an expectation of hyper-masculinity on boys before they lose their toothless grins just another form of limiting beliefs?

The tide is changing now. People can feel it. We have the MeToo! movement, the Women Rising movement, the Times Up! movement. We see men getting roasted at the Oscars. With it, we’re seeing a lot of finger-pointing and blaming on both sides. And the very fact that I’ve described it as ‘sides’ is telling. We’re, perhaps not surprisingly, seeing a lot of push-back – an ‘us and them’ polarization building in some quarters. But what if we consider that it doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game? What if it doesn’t have to be a win-loss? What if one group rising doesn’t need to be at the expense of the other group?

Maybe, in fact, the only way to break the destructive pattern of the damaging gender stereotypes and free women from these shackles they’ve borne, passed down generation after generation, is to recognize and similarly free men from the parallel shackles they’ve borne from their own damaging gender stereotypes.

Women – are you ready to bust through your limiting beliefs, have a voice and rise up? Are you also open to the possibility that to do that, we need to be sensitive to also reversing the stereotypes and conditioning we carry around the men in our life?

I suspect there will be a host of mixed reactions to this suggestion. From acknowledgement to curiosity to doubt to confusion to anger. That’s okay. It’s important to at least start the dialogue if we have any hope of making change – and hopefully making progress.

What if I suggested that women are instinctively and intuitively better negotiators than men? Would you balk? Reject the idea? At a minimum, I’m sure you’d ask, “So why do women still make less money than men? Why do they ask for less than men? Why do they hesitate in speaking up?” All good questions.

Years ago, the question of male versus female negotiating styles would have seemed moot, if not absurd. Women simply weren’t in the business world in any significant sense, so their negotiation methods seemed an unnecessary consideration. Today, however, women are in boardrooms all across the world and are making constant strides forward on the entrepreneurial landscape. Further, there’s an increased awareness that much in life is a negotiation and those who don’t learn the art lose out. Sadly, women tend to be less likely to learn these fundamental skills, whether for the boardroom, the bedroom, or all the spaces in between. And so I believe that a consideration of women’s negotiating styles, and whether they differ from styles employed by males, is both relevant and critical.

Research has shown that the starting salaries of male graduates are often higher than those of female graduates in the same field. How to explain this? Is it the result of unscrupulous employers deeming female labour to be less valuable than the labour of their male counterparts? That’s a tempting solution, as it simplifies matters and immediately creates a ‘bad guy’ to fight against. The reason, however, is not so simple. What I’m getting at is this: while devaluation of women undoubtedly played some part in the historic and continuing endemic lower salaries for women (and sadly that includes devaluation by both women and men), bargaining effectiveness may also play a significant role in explaining the different starting salaries.

In a study on the subject, men and women were offered comparable initial offers . However, in the aggregate, men made more money. Why? The reason could come down to negotiation practices. Men were found, in close to 60% of cases, to ask for more money when they got job offers. Only about 7% of women asked for more money. How simple is that? Men asked for more and as a result they got more. Well that might go some way toward explaining the difference, but it doesn’t answer the obvious question: why did men feel confident in negotiating their starting salaries while women did not?

Some scholars posit that the reason for this comes down to social expectations, arguing that boys are taught to ask for things, while girls are taught to focus on the needs of others, rather than their own. The social expectation is that men will be bold while women are expected to be modest. Even when women in that rarified 7% do negotiate their initial terms of employment, they don’t get salaries as attractive as the men who negotiate. Again, we have to ask why? Are women negotiating differently, and less effectively?

Well, studies suggest that women negotiate differently and even the women who do negotiate typically ask for less and have lower personal expectations. Some believe that gender differences result from power differences and that women who face social inequalities may unconsciously self-categorize themselves into a lower status when engaging with other people. Naturally, this would be detrimental to negotiation success for women.

When scholar, Linda Babcock, wrote her PhD she delved into the reluctance of women to both negotiate and/or to ask for as much as their male colleagues. Her work found that women are 45% more likely not to think they can change their circumstances and women were less likely to believe they could exercise control over their own circumstances. Think about that for a moment. Think about going into a negotiation already doubting that you can change your circumstance or even exercise control over your own circumstances. Needless to say, this would have profound negative impact on women’s sense of empowerment and their corresponding likelihood to negotiate for more vis-à-vis men who come from a starting point of innate belief that they can control their circumstances.

Scholars attribute the more beneficial results men achieve in bargaining to “negotiator aspiration levels” in the sense that men pursue higher bargaining goals than women. Men are more apt to accept the risk that their expectations may lead to a failure to negotiate a settlement while women tend to be more risk-adverse and to avoid situations where the negotiations may fail. Is it any wonder given the limiting beliefs that plague many women, passed on from generation to generation?

So, yes, it seems that perhaps women and men do negotiate differently, or with different concerns and expectations. These differences could come down to social expectations. Boys are expected to be competitive while girls are supposed to value cooperation and to avoid conflict. It’s worth noting that these expectations are not just imposed by males on females, but rather, many of these expectations are imposed by females on other females. In fact, these expectations appear early in life, with studies showing that girls in kindergarten already socialize each other to be self-effacing, with significant perceived adverse consequences (from the other girls) if they brag or seek status. By contrast, kindergarten boys are rewarded for this behaviour.

So perhaps it is not surprising that research states that women tend to approach negotiation differently than men and that women typically reach less favourable agreements than men. A controlled field study on male and female car buyers, found that women were given higher purchase prices than men and that they ended with higher care prices than men. It seems clear that gender played a role in the expectations of the car salespeople. Social role theory would suggest that beliefs and behaviours are based on what is expected of a person based on traits like gender i.e. the fact that the salespeople expected women to know less about car prices and to be less likely to negotiate impacted on those negotiations to the detriment of the women.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

However, it’s not all doom and gloom for women on the negotiation front. Social psychologists have argued that for women, bargaining assertively is construed as consistent with female gender roles in some contexts yet inconsistent in other contexts. This expectation of gender roles seems to hold both internally and externally. And so, women adjust their bargaining behaviour to manage social impressions. A key area where we see this is advocacy—whether a woman is bargaining on her own behalf or on another’s behalf. In self-advocacy contexts, women anticipate that being assertive will evoke negative attributions (i.e. she’s a ‘bitch’) and backlash (i.e. exclusion). As a result, women rein in their assertiveness, shy away from competing tactics and obtain lower outcomes. However, when women advocate for someone else, they typically achieve better outcomes as they don’t expect backlash and so don’t hedge.

This shows us that women are not less capable bargainers and are actually able to adjust their bargaining styles depending on the supposed needs of a given situation. This is a great strength that women can use to their advantage in negotiations. Professor Deborah Kolb argues that “the degree to which a negotiator takes up a gendered role and how that role is expressed is likely to be fluid and fragmented.” In other words, negotiators are multifaceted and women can decide which aspect of the many roles we play to bring forward in any given negotiation i.e. as mother, wife/partner, lawyer, daughter, grandmother, etc.

Additionally, according to research, bargaining and negotiation skills stem from emotional intelligence factors, or the ability to have and utilize interpersonal skills (including empathy and intuition). While this is undoubtedly a reasonable conclusion, it leaves the question of why men achieve better negotiation results, given that girls are typically raised to be more focused on inter-personal relationships than boys.

Still further, studies have found women to be more endowed with is a superior ability to read nonverbal cues than men. With studies finding more than 50% of bargaining language to be nonverbal, women should have a definite advantage to their male counterparts.

What does this mean for women? We have the skill set. We’re just reluctant to use it as a result of social conditioning. The good news is that once we bring awareness to the issue, we’re on our way to fixing the problem. In other words, you now have awareness that you do, in fact, possess the necessary skill and ability to negotiate effectively to get what you want and need. The only thing that may have been holding you back is your cultural programming. But since you control your thoughts and behaviour, you hold the key to consciously change the thought processes and limiting beliefs that have unnecessarily held you back. You can choose to use your natural negotiation skills and talents and start to bring them to bear in every negotiation – whether you’re advocating for someone else (where your lioness is already loose) or for yourself (where you need to remind yourself to release your lioness).

Stay tuned for more articles to come, discussing the art of feminine negotiation, why we haven’t been taking advantage of our intuitive talent in this arena, and showing/reminding you how you can tap into your natural gifts to negotiate more effectively – from the boardroom to the bedroom!

Know the Who

And so we come to the bittersweet end of our 5W journey together. You’ve now explored how to use why, when, where and what as extra tools in your negotiation toolkit. I hope you see the value in applying these lessons, with intention, to your future bargaining. If so, you will set yourself apart and better position yourself to be a more influential and effective negotiator in both your personal and professional life. In this final installment, we complete our review of these quintessential W’s (sorry – couldn’t resist the play on words) as we consider the who of your negotiations.

Who are you?

This may seem like a ridiculous question, but trust me when I say it’s definitely worth giving this question serious consideration. If your negotiation is professional, what’s your position, title, and authority? Is there a hierarchy at play, and if so, where do you fit in that hierarchy? Who will the other side see you as? Will they see you as someone to take seriously or someone they’ll try to fluff off? Think about this and be prepared. Factor it into your strategy. Find a way to use this insight to your benefit. If the buck stops with you, use that. If not, find a way to make it advance your needs. If someone is likely to underestimate you, use that against them. Turn it to your advantage.

If this is a personal negotiation, are you coming into this negotiation as a mom, daughter, sister, wife or neutral? I had an experience recently where I was dealing with my daughter and I desired a particular outcome. As a mom, I was very invested in pushing for the outcome I wanted for her best interest. The conversation did not go well. I realized (too late) that if I were coaching a client on this issue I would never have approached it the way I had. My passion in ‘mom’ mode sabotaged my effectiveness as a negotiator in my exchange. Had I been able to maintain a more ‘neutral’ and compassionate approach I would likely have gotten infinitely better results – for her and me.

Similarly, with a life partner, we’re much more likely to let emotion enter our bargaining and potentially undermine our position in ways we’d never contemplate or tolerate in a third party situation. In advance of your discussion, consider, with intention, what role you want to negotiate from to maximize your effectiveness. Even though you’re negotiating with your kid or life partner, you may or may not want to come at the negotiation in that ‘role’. Be deliberate in making this decision.

Who do you want to show up as?

You may be scratching your head, wondering what I mean by that. Relax, I’m not suggesting dress-up or role play. Every interaction, every moment of every day, you get to choose how you want to show up – who you want to show up as. Will you show up with compassion? Integrity? Presence? Generosity? Vulnerability? Or is this an exchange where you need to show up tough? Confident? Controlled? You get the idea. Making this decision consciously, in both your personal and professional life can profoundly change your relationships and your interactions. Imagine choosing who you want to show up as every evening before you step through your front door or every morning before you step across the threshold at work. Imagine the power of choosing how you show up for every exchange.

Who are you negotiating with?

Once you’ve examined yourself and decided who you’re going to show up as in any given communication, do the same for the other party. Who are they likely to show up as? Consider this in advance of the meeting or discussion. For example, do you anticipate that they’ll bring their game face with bluster and bravado and aggression, or play the victim card? Be prepared either way. Also consider if they show up differently, how would you best handle it?

Who should you be negotiating with?

Have you ever conducted a negotiation with someone only to have them claim to not have authority to give you what you need at the end of the conversation? Perhaps before you decide how to handle your bargaining counterpart’s approach, consider if they’re even the best person to address the particular issue with? If not, who should you negotiate with? Maybe it makes sense to have a preliminary discussion with the intended negotiator, but maybe you should resolve this issue right out of the gate and insist on speaking to the appropriate person from the outset for maximum efficiency and results.

Tied to that, consider who else can or should be included in the negotiations. Whether on your side or the other side, who could help give you an edge? Maybe someone on your ‘team’ has a particular viewpoint or expertise or style that would resonate deeply with your counterpart. If so, consider bringing them in. Likewise, maybe someone on the other party’s ‘team’ would be highly sympathetic to your proposal. If so, try to find a way to have them included. The opposite is also true. Who should be excluded from the discussions if at all possible? If someone has an ax to grind with you, maybe find a way to keep them away from the table. If someone has a history of taking a hard line on the issue you need, try to bypass them if possible. Or maybe, just having too many cooks stirring the broth is a problem in itself and culling the herd will yield you better results. Again, considering these angles with intention will elevate your bargaining and increase your effectiveness to get you better results.

Who will be impacted by your negotiation?

We sometimes forget about the ripple effect of our actions. Negotiations are no exception. Think about the potential impact of your bargaining on others who may not be at the table. Sometimes a shortsighted gain in the moment may have disastrous long-term impact on others. Negotiating a ‘win’ on one issue may negatively impact on other important relationships in your life. These are factors that a skilled negotiator will contemplate and incorporate in the preparation process. So should you if you want to up your game and get the best outcomes.

As with the earlier articles in this series, this piece is intended to raise a smattering sample of who questions for you to contemplate. It’s designed to open your perspective and show the benefits of a broader vision in bargaining. My hope is to get you thinking about the possibilities the 5 W’s could open up if you consider and consistently apply them to your negotiations. If you do so with forethought and intention, you can move the dial to stack the odds in your favour. Take advantage of every possible edge. You’ll have more influence, be more persuasive and get better outcomes in your negotiations. It’s simple and powerful – like most great ideas.

Know the What

We’re nearing the end of our 5W journey. We’ve already explored how to use why, when and where as extra tools in your negotiation arsenal. If you recall, I suggested that negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and better navigate the murky waters of mediation and negotiation. I hope you’re now seeing the potential power of this oft-ignored quintet and contemplating how to incorporate these ideas into your own negotiations. Today, we continue to examine these elements as we consider the all-important what of your negotiations.

This is perhaps the seemingly most obvious of the 5 W’s. What you negotiate about is typically forefront in your mind as you start the dialogue. We tend to have an ‘eye on the prize’ approach to our negotiations in life. I’d venture to guess, though, that your sense of the what of your bargaining is more shallow than it could be and doesn’t serve you as fully as it could. The what is often referred to as the ‘matter’ of the negotiations – the subject of your discussions, the issue(s) you’re addressing (the counter to the ‘means’ or ‘how’ of the process). Most people believe they have a clear sense of this. I’m going to ask you to consider digging a little deeper.

What do I want? What’s my priority? What does the other side want? What are their priorities? What can I offer? What should I offer? What’s my bottom line? These are the basic what questions that most people focus on. Our goal here, though, is to set you apart from ‘most people’. So let’s go a layer deeper. Ask yourself more what questions before you start bargaining. Here’s a few examples to get you thinking about the possible scope of the what: What leverage can I bring to bear? What strategy should I adopt? What can I say or do to be more persuasive? What unresolved personal baggage am I bringing to this discussion? What assumptions or biases do I bring that might impact on this negotiation? What other benefit(s) could potentially come from this negotiation? What impact will this negotiation have on this relationship, other relationships, future dealings, my sense of self, their sense of self, my reputation? These may seem frivolous but can be important game-changers when applied with intention. Consider, for example, if you’re negotiating with your child. You know you can easily maneuver the conversation to get what you want. But what if making your child ‘up their game’ while letting them ‘win’ the negotiation will be a great self-esteem boost and valuable life lesson for them and that the results matter very much to them but don’t really matter to you. Isn’t that valuable to factor in to how you conduct the negotiation? The same considerations can apply whether you’re dealing with your life partner, boss, employees or otherwise – in both your personal and professional negotiations.

In going deeper, I’d also suggest that at the outset of every negotiation, you consider what you think you’re negotiating for or about … and then take a beat to explore if perhaps there is something more that underlies the negotiation. Sometimes it really is just about the ‘ask’ on the table. But often, there’s something more behind the apparent issue being discussed. It’s worth asking yourself, “is this just about the matter or thing, or is something deeper at play here – i.e. is there an issue of power, control, reputation, respect, etc.” What’s motivating me or driving me on this point?

Once you’ve mastered that ability, it’s equally important to consider the deeper what vis-à-vis the other party. As we discussed in our why post [Part 1], think of the other party as an iceberg. What they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs. Ask yourself if their ‘ask’ is really what it seems at face value, or are deeper issues at stake for them as well? If the answer is ‘yes’ (i.e. you believe other motivators are likely at play) consider whether the other side is conscious of them. Their level of self-awareness can profoundly impact your negotiations. You can tailor your strategy and tactical decisions to the fundamental motivator of your negotiating partner. It’s a powerful tool. When you bring that level of insight, you can influence the negotiated outcomes by drawing on that deeper knowledge and using it to your advantage even (or especially) if the other party is unaware of their deeper drives.

Also consider what both yours and the other party’s state is at the outset of your bargaining. We discussed this under the when segment of this series [Part 2] in terms of whether the timing is right. As noted in that post, our state matters in negotiations, as most humans can’t avoid being affected by emotions. Be intentional about what state you want to be in to maximize your influence and effectiveness while simultaneously using the other party’s state to make strategic decisions about how to best approach the matter at issue.

During the negotiation, keep considering deeper-layered what questions. What are they saying (their words) versus what they’re really saying (their meaning)? What do their nonverbal cues tell me? By the same token, what messages am I sending through my tone, body language, facial expressions? What other interpretations could be read into my words? What seems to be landing well versus what’s causing resistance? What tactics should I adopt? What tactics are being used against me? What other opportunities are opening up, if any?

This article just scratches the surface of the multitude of what questions you could explore. My hope is to get you thinking about the possibilities they could open up for you. If you consider and apply the what of your negotiations with forethought and intention, you’ll have more influence in your negotiations and get better results. It’s that simple.

Know the Where

Ready for your next instalment of our 5 W’s of highly effective negotiation series? So far, we’ve explored (i) the importance of knowing your why and (ii) the advantage of considering your when with intention. Today, let’s dive into the where – the middle child of those 5 powerful monosyllabic words.

Interestingly, people are more likely to consider the where in ‘formal’ business negotiations than in their personal lives. As a longtime labour lawyer, collective bargaining negotiations immediately come to mind. Parties sometimes bargain about where to bargain! It’s a conscious decision about whether bargaining ought to play out on Employer’s premises, Union offices or neutral territory. And so, hotels make lots of money from labour negotiations, with neither side wanting to cede power. Likewise, for corporate or legal deals, typically there’s jostling for perceived advantage over whose impressive digs get showcased for bargaining. You almost expect some players to start pissing in corners to mark their territory. Sports is no exception with the real or perceived touted advantages of home turf.

Be careful not to get so caught up in the power struggle of bartering on home field that you don’t consider actual strategic implications. There are pros and cons to conducting negotiations in your own space – from the business world to home insurance. Smart negotiators weigh odds to tip the balance in their favour – not based on power plays but instead grounded in practical, meaningful factors. Being in your own space means you’ll be more likely to have immediate access to information you may need, for example. This can be an advantage or disadvantage depending on the type and stage of negotiation. Sometimes there’s a strategic advantage to not having resources available. It can allow you to defer or buy time. “I’m happy to consider that, but I’ll have to check xyz and don’t have access to it here.” Similarly, there may be distractions to deal with in your own sandbox which wouldn’t be an issue off-site. Or consider the simple proposition that allowing someone into your space shows them a part of you that may or may not serve you. If you’re trying to project an image of power and infinite resources but live or work out of a shoebox, negotiating there wouldn’t be your strongest strategic move. Alternatively, if you need sympathy to drive the price down, you don’t want to haggle from your multi-million dollar penthouse suite. You get the idea.

Aside from the ‘yours or mine’ factor, consider the mood that would best further your cause. Are you trying to exert and exude power, or to make them comfortable? Is it a private conversation or public? Do you need quiet and intimacy or noisy distraction? Is this the kind of discussion that should take place over a meal or boardroom table? If the former, is it a lunch or dinner issue? Casual or high end? Could the conversation best be tackled at a social event where the guard may be lower, or do you need the intensity of a law office? If the former, would a cultured event work best or something low brow?

These considerations, in part, depend on the nature of the negotiation at hand. Where you contemplate complicated stock options or mergers and acquisitions will no doubt not be the same place you’d want to haggle your kids’ curfew or even custody issues. Even within negotiation categories, however, determining your where, with intention, will make you a more effective negotiator. If you’re negotiating for a salary increase, for example, consider whether you’ll increase your odds by raising the conversation casually at the water cooler versus the boss’s office versus on a firm spa retreat. If you’re bartering over the purchase of a used car should you do it on the lot or in the office? Again, you get the idea.

Considering these factors in a meaningful way also requires knowing yourself and the other party. In what setting are you most effective? Are you easily distracted and have difficulty focusing? If so, ensure your negotiations take place where you can concentrate all your attention on the issue at hand. On the other hand, if the other party is distractible, consider whether that will work to your advantage or detract from your ability to persuade effectively. Are you most comfortable and at ease in a casual setting with a drink in your hand, or are you likely to concede more than you should in that environment? By the same token, what setting will make your counterpart most comfortable? Do you want them comfortable or will it better suit your needs if they’re a little on edge?

The where also entails deciding whether the conversation needs to take place in person at all, or whether a phone call will suffice. And whether you determine that live or remote is most effective, always consider the possibility of recording capabilities. Today, people routinely record conversations (sometimes legally, sometimes not). Guard yourself against the possibility of surreptitious recordings in your negotiations by controlling your environment to the extent possible.

As noted earlier, people tend to be less likely to ponder the where as a factor in personal negotiations. So heed this advice: prepare for your personal negotiations like you would for any high stakes professional bargaining session. I invite you to consider your why. I encourage you to consider your when before you embark on a personal barter. And I caution you not to forget the where next time you’re about to haggle with your partner or kids or other personal contact in your life. With your partner, for example, there are some conversations that can be done in the bedroom (with or without clothing), but some that need to be done at the breakfast table (especially if you’re trying to ‘sell’ or cast a vision for the future).

Whether in your personal or professional life or somewhere in between, these considerations can elevate the level of your effectiveness as a negotiator. Setting is important. That’s why renowned authors spend so much time on setting in their books. Setting can ground or unsettle us, envelop or push us away, warm or cool us. Use it as another tool in your arsenal. You may not always be able to control where your negotiations take place. But if you start actively contemplating the where, as one of the factors to consciously address in planning your negotiations where possible, you will increase your influence and get better results. Most people don’t apply these factors with intention. When you do, you already set yourself apart from the pack and elevate your status as a successful negotiator.

Know the When

Last week, we started our 5 W’s of highly effective negotiation series. For those with short memories (menopause and mom-brain come to mind), or those just joining us, I’m talking about those 5 powerful little monosyllabic words – who, what, where, when & why. If you recall, I suggested that negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and can better navigate the sometimes murky waters of mediation and negotiation. Our kick-start to the discussion tackled knowing your why going in to a negotiation. Today, we take on the importance of knowing the when of your negotiations.

Timing is everything. You’ve no doubt heard that expression a thousand times. And yet, most people still don’t factor timing as an item to address with intention in their negotiations. As kids we knew it intuitively. Do you remember waiting until your mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that thing you desperately wanted but knew would be an uphill battle? We instinctively tried to stack odds in our favour – line up the check marks to maximize our chances of success. When we let our eager impatience get the best of us and forged ahead despite all the warning signs, and ended up tanking our quest, we recognized our timing faux pas (although we wouldn’t have called it that) immediately. And yet, somehow, we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are likely higher.

Heck, many people don’t even consider when the negotiations have started. Laying the foundation in advance of the ‘formal’ negotiation can be a key first step to getting the results you want. Make no mistake, whether it’s you or the other party setting down the groundwork, the negotiation has started at that point. If you’re not aware that the other side is already negotiating you may unwittingly be standing in the path of an unseen wrecking ball. Preparation is an essential element of the negotiation process. It just may be the most important element. In fact, as a basic starting point on this issue, consider it a new ground rule that the time (or when) is almost never right unless and until you’re prepared.

Part of that preparation is actively considering the most strategically advantageous timing for your negotiation. Depending on the subject of your negotiation, consider time of year, month and even day. There’s no point seeking a raise the day after budgets for the year have been finalized. Or pitching for a July family vacation the day after your only child just accepted an intensive summer internship. Asking for a bonus or perk during peak selling months is likely to be more effective than asking during winter lows. Did you just lose a big account or conversely have a record quarter? Are you a morning person or evening? What about the person you’re negotiating with? Be tactical and deliberate where possible on whether the negotiation is best served over breakfast versus dinner, or on the way out the door versus bedtime. Is this a vacation conversation, better tackled away from the distractions of everyday life? These may not seem significant, but why not maximize every possible advantage? Use the law of probabilities to your benefit.

From an emotional perspective, you’ll want to consider both your state and that of the other side in determining if the timing is right. For example, are you (or they) in a good mood or angry, stressed or relaxed? Are they in the middle of a big deal that’s going south? If so, is that an advantage or disadvantage to getting what you want at that moment? As humans, most of us can’t avoid being affected by emotions. Simply put, our state matters in negotiations. If you can control the timing, factor this in. (Or alternatively learn to control your state). Either way, be aware of the other person’s state and be intentional about how that plays into the timing of your negotiation.

Another aspect of timing in negotiations is the question of how much time you allot for the negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed. You don’t want to hurry to a conclusion to your detriment, leaving too much on the table in your haste to close the deal. By contrast, sometimes urgency is your friend in the bargaining process. Again, the trick is to be intentional. Use it with purpose. Equally, be sure not to let the other party use it against you, by pressuring you with artificial time limits or other time constraints into negotiating against yourself or not giving yourself the time you need to fully consider your position. Have you ever rushed into an agreement that you lived to regret? Be conscious to control the when of your negotiations to avoid this pitfall.

Hopefully you’re beginning to see the possibilities in managing the when of negotiations. This article just scratches the surface of this potential minefield. The idea is just to get you thinking about these 5 W’s as serious factors to be considered and applied with forethought and intention. Sometimes the when of negotiations is beyond our control. Life happens. Situations or opportunities arise unexpectedly. I get that. But if you start consciously considering timing as a factor to weigh, whenever possible, you’ll get better results. You’ll have more influence in your negotiations and increase your outcomes. So take the time to consider time. You’ll become a more effective negotiator. How simple is that?