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Dear Katherine: My Kid Thinks I Don’t Take Her Feelings Seriously

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.


Dear Katherine,

My 10-year-old daughter and I had a bit of an altercation. She and her sister were having an argument over a dress the younger one wanted to borrow. They took the fight into my work-from-home space.

To be honest, I was buried with deadlines and was about to hop on a call, so I immediately told my older daughter to let the younger one borrow the dress. She burst into tears and yelled that I didn’t take her feelings seriously.

Needless to say, I’m gutted. I don’t ever want my kids to feel dismissed. What do I do, Dear Katherine?

— Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent

Dear Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent,

I can certainly empathize with your predicament. As a working mom myself, I know what it’s like to feel too stressed and overwhelmed to give my kids undivided attention. You didn’t mean to come off as dismissive, and your gutted reaction shows that you are indeed a serious parent who wants to do right by your children.

It’s important to remember that parents, just like anyone else, are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Still, it’s our duty to provide a safe and loving environment where our kids can be seen, heard, and supported.

5 Tips to Help Your Child Feel Seen, Heard, and Supported
You know that you take your daughter’s feelings seriously despite being very busy. Here’s what you can do to show her just how much she matters to you:

1. Apologize.

Apologies are powerful catalysts for healing. Even though you didn’t mean to make your daughter feel ignored or neglected, let her know how sorry you are for hurting her feelings.

Then, ask her what exactly made her feel like you didn’t care. Did it seem like you were taking her sister’s side? Explain that you love them both equally and take both their feelings very seriously.

 

When everyone is feeling better, bring your two girls together and encourage them to resolve the dress issue. Can the younger one learn to respect the older one’s decision not to share that specific dress? Is there an alternative piece of clothing she can borrow?

Sharing is an important skill to learn, but let your children know it’s perfectly okay if there are some things they want to keep for themselves.

2. Stop what you’re doing and listen.

The next time your daughter demands your attention, step back and observe your reaction. Are you tapping your foot or looking at your phone? Did you even look up from your computer screen and make eye contact?

Give your kids at least a minute or two of your undivided attention when they need something. And if you’re just too busy at that particular moment, schedule a “Mommy and Me” time later in the day.

3. Acknowledge what she’s saying.

Problem-solving is certainly one of our most valuable skills as parents or caregivers, but don’t be so quick to find a solution that you dismiss what your child is trying to say.

Rather than placating children with toxic positivity (“Don’t be sad, cheer up!”), validate how they feel: “I can see that you’re feeling sad. Do you want to tell me why? Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

Raising self-assured children begins with teaching them that it’s important to acknowledge whatever emotion they’re feeling—so they can let it go when they’re ready.

4. Set reasonable boundaries.

As important as it is for children to acknowledge their feelings, it’s equally essential for them to learn that they have power over their emotions. Now is when they can learn that they don’t need to be overwhelmed by their emotions and can be with them rather than overwhelmed by them.

Your daughter may be angry at her sibling, but that doesn’t mean she can take it out on her—or anyone else for that matter. It’s never too early to teach children that negative feelings don’t have to translate to bad behavior.

5. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s hard to understand why a child could get so upset over being asked to shower, make their bed, or in your case, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent, lend her sister a dress.

But try to remember that kids have very little control over their everyday lives. The next time one of your daughters is upset, practice empathy to understand where she’s really coming from.

I hope this advice is helpful, Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent. You’re juggling so much each and every day between work and parenting and everything else. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine
P.S. Want to connect with other parents and caregivers who share your successes and frustrations? Join the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook Group!

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

5 Ways You Can Ease Working Mom Guilt

A mom friend of mine sent me a picture this week. It showed her perched on the (closed!) pedestal on the toilet, resting her laptop on the toilet paper holder, while her daughter peeked over the side of the bath-tub doing her evening bathing routine. This is working mom life today. Juggling two jobs at once, but feeling like you’re doing neither one to the best of your ability. But even as the pandemic has passes, the mom’s guilt stays.

What can you do to help alleviate the guilt of having to balance your working responsibilities with those of being a good parent? Working mom guilt can paralyze us with stress and trigger our instincts of fight or flight – which, during the pandemic, are already heightened.

Ways You Can Ease Working Mom Guilt

The very first thing you can do is simply to breathe deeply. When you’re in the moment of heightened guilt, merely taking a few breaths can help put much-needed space between you and the situation.

Longer-term, you can seek to change your perspective on your guilt. Is it so bad for your child that they see mom working and having to prioritize her time? It sets an excellent example for your children and shows them that they can do or be anything they want to be, after all.

For a long time, we weren’t able to separate ourselves for even a few hours. Some of us are still not able to drop the kids off at childcare or school. Have you noticed how much clingier to you they were since they have you around 24/7?

Ordinarily, you can rest assured that despite your child’s tears at seeing you go (and possibly your own), you’re letting your child grow and form their thoughts and feelings and make personal friendships – without always looking to you for affirmation. You can relieve yourself of the guilt of letting them be in the care of someone else while you work.

However, in conversations with your child’s carers, how have you felt when it was someone else who was there for them when they cried? What about when you weren’t there for a milestone? Did you feel guilt and sadness that someone else spends more waking hours with your child, and might know them better than you?

There is a loneliness that settles into your heart as you learn how to juggle this new normal. I know you question if you are good enough—good enough at work, good enough as a mom, good enough as a spouse because I’ve thought and felt and carried all of these emotions too.

Letting go of the guilt comes with acceptance. Accepting that this is what is, and not hanging on to what SHOULD be.

This is especially true now, where we have not only had to juggle the roles of parent and employee, but also become our child’s teacher and playmate. How much guilt do you feel when you switch on the television or hand them a tablet to entertain themselves and ask them to be quiet while you try to conduct a meeting on zoom?

Knowing that it’s ok to be ‘good enough’ but not perfect, will give you more peace than trying to do everything correctly. You are not going to be the perfect mother. You are not going to be the ideal employee. And that’s ok. You are good enough, and that’s all you have to be.

It’s essential to establish your boundaries with your workplace. Your boss knows you’re a mom, and when you clock out promptly, it’s not your lack of ambition or slacking off. It’s merely that you have other responsibilities that you have to balance. They should hopefully be understanding of that. You’re not a bad employee because you’re a mom, any more than you’re a bad mom for working.

If you hate your job, but you do it to be able to pay the bills, then you are providing the means to create a childhood with a safe place to sleep and good things to eat.

When you have a job you love, and you do it because you are passionate about your cause, you are creating a childhood where little girls grow up to achieve their dreams and little boys see their moms and sisters and aunts and future daughters as equals.

Who Do You Surround Yourself With?

Think about who you surround yourself with? Do they support you, or mom-shame you? You’ll feel much lighter if you surround yourself with other moms and people who support you, and not those who tell you what you “should” be doing.

Don’t Follow The Rules

If you can stop following other people’s rules, you’ll achieve a step in relieving yourself of working mom guilt. Forget the rules. When you feel working mom guilt, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if I break the rules?” Your answer can bring you back to your reality.

It’s not only when you’re suffering mom guilt that you need to limit your own screen time, but it will help you to limit your distractions. When you do have time with your child, try to give them your attention for the short time you’re with them. This can be very challenging when you’ve already been pulled in every direction at work all day. But freeing yourself from other people’s perfectly curated lives, and being present for your child will give you far more peace of mind. And the ability to be a present and conscious parent.

Do It At Your Own Pace

Take one day at a time. Don’t keep looking to the future weekends or vacations. Just focus on getting through today. After all – eight hours is far more manageable than five days.

Think about how working makes you feel? Do you feel like a more well-rounded and grounded person for going to work? Your child will benefit more from a good role model, and happy mommy, than from one who feels bored or unfulfilled. That’s not to say mommies who stay home ARE bored and unfulfilled, but if you are someone who enjoys going to work, that won’t change when you also have a family.

Don’t Judge Yourself

We are all our harshest critics. Especially when working motherhood is such a significant part of our identity. Have you ever forgotten something at your child’s school? A PJ day or pot luck? Or felt guilty that other parents put together a perfect Valentine’s gift bag for the entire class, while your offering lacked the same detail and imagination?

To stop beating yourself up, reserve self-judgment. Think about the bigger picture. Will any of those moments of guilt affect your child’s performance in school? We all forget things, and no one is perfect, and you can release yourself from the self-judgment.

It is ok to make mistakes and to help yourself you can learn from them.

Getting organized will help, and your phone is your friend. Set reminders, and use apps or planners that will remind you of everyone’s schedules.

Would you be a better mom if you only had one full-time job, and not two? It’s easy to think that perhaps stay-at-home moms are happier because they are not trying to do it all.

Mom Christy Lilley admits she’s asked herself that question many times. She says that she agrees that their lives would be less stressful and more manageable if she wasn’t working. “Things would be calmer, our weekends and nights would be less hectic,” she says.

However, she adds that she doesn’t think that she would be happier and that maybe it’s easy to believe that the grass is always greener.

We can accept working mom guilt isn’t going to go away completely. But you can work towards alleviating that guilt and see the positives of being a working mom.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

PS. Check out my newest appearance on PedsDocTalk discussing why being mindful as a parent is important for your child’s success. Click here to listen and don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel!

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Living Your Life Beyond the Labels Assigned to You by Others

There’s an insidious epidemic that has happened to many of us internally that’s not widely discussed, but which can be just as crippling as the pandemic we just survived. And if not addressed consciously and mindfully, can affect us for our whole life.

I’m talking about the impact of imprinting and conditioning that starts when we’re young and builds over time. Simply put, the effect of others labeling us – and ultimately labeling ourselves – without regard to the often serious consequences.

No Surgeon General’s Warning

We know packs of cigarettes have a warning about how smoking could be harmful to your health (duh!)? Well, unfortunately, there’s no such warning about the impact of imposing (nearly always false!) labels on others and ourselves – I wish there were.

Did anyone ever tell you that you weren’t good enough at something? Or that you’d never amount to anything? Or that you weren’t smart enough? Or that you weren’t creative?

That kind of labeling starts when we’re young, and it can leave a lasting, lingering imprint if we don’t address it. By contrast, when we have parents, relatives and teachers who encourage our individual gifts and talents, we’re far more likely to thrive – in school, at work and in life.

As an avid reader as a child (and something of a loner inherently), I was told I wasn’t good at sports and should stay focused on my intellectual side. As a result, I never engaged in team sports and didn’t pursue athletics in any way other than as an observer. No surprise, when people were chosen for sports teams in school, I was always among the last to be picked.

My mom encouraged my sister and me to engage in arts and crafts. Even though I actually won awards for my projects, my sister was dubbed “the artistic one,” and me, “the intellectual.”

When John Lennon was five, his teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He wrote down “Happy.” She told him he didn’t understand the assignment, and he told her that she didn’t understand life. Wise beyond his years even then at five years old!

More recently my friend rocker Paul Stanley of KISS recently observed something similar. A mother tweeted how her six-year-old daughter painted an amazing scene in an after-school art club and the art teacher told her she’d done it wrong. She was so upset as art was her favorite thing to do. Paul was mortified. He responded to the child through her mother, “your art is AWESOME!! There is no such thing as doing art ‘wrong.’ There are only teachers who are wrong! Keep doing exactly what you’re doing; I LOVE it!”

How about you? What labels have you carried throughout your life, and how have they impacted how you saw and interacted with the world in terms of barriers or constraints?

 

Busting Through (Usually False) Labels Is Liberating

As a result of growing up and living with these false labels, we adopt belief systems about who we are and what we are and aren’t capable of. And we diminish our capabilities, hold ourselves back, and limit our life circumstances – all because of things others said that we took on as being true about us.

When you realize that you’re not the labels others have imposed on you, you can free yourself to take back your power and choose to see yourself differently. When you see that those were just belief systems that no longer serve you (and never did – and weren’t even true!), you’re free to take on whatever is calling to you to be and do now.

For example, you’re being led to take up painting (maybe for the first time ever) – but you’ve held that you weren’t creative all your life – try taking a class and dabbling in it; wade in and prove that in fact that believe was a lie.

One highly effective tool to begin breaking loose from these old beliefs and thought patterns about ourselves is to question the truth about them. Byron Katie is an author and speaker who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as “The Work” (and has published books and courses on this approach). Effectively it encourages us with four powerful but simple questions to address stressful beliefs, anxieties, and assumptions that may have held us in their grip for years and gently moves us to self-evaluate whether these are really true – and to re-frame new possibilities that are likely to be more positive and freeing allowing us to move forward in our lives with peace and ease.

What Might Be Possible if You Embrace the Label of “Creator” (Get Curious)

A colleague of mine, Steve Chandler, is an inspiring coach and author. One of my favorite books of his addresses this topic head-on – and it’s simply called “Creator” (I highly recommend it).

Can you see how powerful it can be to make some time for introspection to consider where you may have held yourself back by living old beliefs, labels, and limitations that others (or you yourself) have imposed on you that have resulted in you playing small or holding yourself back in life? Can you also see the promise and potential in terms of what’s possible in your life when you shift out of those debilitating mindsets?

I hope you’ll make the time and effort to get curious, take a closer look and evaluate this for yourself. You owe it to yourself and to those you love to take the reins of your life, embrace the truth about your gifts and talents and who you really are, and plot a truly empowered course from here forward. I’d love to hear what you learn. Reach out to me if you want more support with this or just want to share your insights.

 

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Dear Katherine: My toddler won’t stop bugging his older brother!

 

How to Create Boundaries Between Siblings


Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at
katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

I’m a mother of two sweet boys, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Recently, my husband and I have noticed more fighting in our household. We were quick to attribute it to our older son, but after talking to him, we discovered it was actually the other way around. My toddler keeps pressing his older brother’s buttons and won’t leave him alone! What should I do? How do I explain space and boundaries to two kids under 7?

– Trying to Create Space

Dear Trying to Create Space,

I couldn’t help but smile at your letter. We often attribute sibling misbehavior to the older child, failing to consider all the mischief younger ones are capable of!

The truth about your toddler is that he’s not yet at the developmental stage where he can fully understand social interaction. Because he doesn’t have a fully formed frontal cortex, it’s still quite difficult for him to distinguish which behaviors are upsetting.

That explains why jumping all over his older brother or pulling his hair is so much fun!

Still, it’s never too early to teach your children to respect each other’s boundaries. Here are some tips you might find helpful:

Create a “space bubble.” Sit your two boys down and explain that it’s normal for them to want time to themselves. Ask them to identify these moments (e.g. “I like to be alone when I’m building my LEGO set or taking a bath”) and reassure them that alone time is perfectly okay.

Then, make a game out of creating a “space bubble.” Whenever each of them wants time alone, they can announce “I’m going to the space bubble” or wear something silly on their head to signify what they’re doing. If your toddler isn’t having it, tell him he can spend time with Mommy or Daddy while his brother’s in the space bubble.

 

Teach them to respect each other’s belongings. It’s common for young siblings to fight over toys and other belongings, but you can help them become better at sharing. Teach your boys to ask permission when they want to play with each other’s toys, books, or crayons. When your toddler suddenly grabs his brother’s coloring book, explain that he can either wait his turn or ask to borrow it. Encourage sharing on both sides.

Also realize not sharing is OKAY. There are things all of us worry about getting broken or soiled or damaged. We protect ourselves from loss and disappointment when we know what not to share. Honoring those boundaries is part of being respectful, too.

Find better ways to connect. What do toddlers crave most? Attention. If your 3-year-old keeps poking his brother in the rib or making faces at him, he probably just wants to connect with him. Show your little one that there are better ways to get someone’s attention, like touching them (gently!) on the arm, calling their name, or asking them if they want to play.

Take the opportunity to discuss that people can only truly say yes to you when they know it is okay to say no to you, too. This rule applies to humans of any age and may provide an opportunity for a conversation about handling disappointment.

Model effective communication. Your 3-year-old may still stumble over his words, but everyone else in the family should model effective communication to set a good example. Prompt your toddler to name how he feels (e.g. “Are you crying because you’re hungry/sad/angry/tired?”) and ask for what he wants (e.g. “I want to borrow your bike or build a LEGO set with you.”)

The phrase “would you be willing” is especially powerful because it conveys that what is being asked is actually a request and not a demand (e.g., “Would you be willing to share your LEGOs with me? Would you be willing to let me ride your bike”) Good communication allows for empathy and understanding.

Trying to Create Space, raising two kids at different developmental stages certainly isn’t easy.

But it’s never too early to start teaching the importance of respect, personal space, boundaries, and communication!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

 

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Should parents always present a united front?

 

Did you ever catch that children’s program, Bananas in Pajamas?

The main characters are two bananas, B1 and B2, who are identical in every way. They walk the same, talk the same, and very often think the same! B1 and B2 are always aligned, and they live in the kind of harmonious home that could ONLY exist on a kid’s TV show.

The Banana family is unknowingly helping to perpetuate the myth of the united front. I’ve worked with thousands of parents in the last 20 years, and most of them believe that parents should be in total agreement when it comes to making decisions about their kids. Like identical twin bananas, they strive to feel, think, and react the same way to their children.

Child: Can I go to a friend’s house this weekend?
Parents: (In unison) Yes!

Child: Can I eat this block of chocolate for dinner?
Parents: (United) No!

Child: Can you teach me to square dance?
Parents: (At the same time) Maybe later.

You get my point.

The problem is that the united front isn’t real! You and your parenting partner are two distinct human beings. You each have your own history, upbringing, and unique set of experiences. You’re probably unconsciously passing down behaviors and beliefs you learned as a child, long before you met your partner or became a parent. Your opinions may be influenced by deeply held beliefs about age, gender, propriety, and other factors. You might feel the way you do because of what you ate for breakfast.

In short, it’s I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E to agree with your partner on every single issue or question around raising your kids. Trying to present a united front is not only exhausting, it’s inauthentic.

At the same time, you don’t want to get into a pattern where your child runs from one parent to the other, only respecting the answer they want to hear. What’s a conscious parent to do?

Be honest. If you disagree with your partner on certain issues when it comes to your kids, be transparent with them about your feelings. Ignoring your differences will cause more trouble later on. Discuss your own childhoods and how your experiences have shaped you to react differently.
Show your support. You can have a different opinion than your partner without undermining them. For example, “I’d love to play music right now, but Daddy needs to work” is a better explanation for your child than “Your Dad says we can’t play music right now. He’s no fun.”
Forget good cop, bad cop. No one’s “good” or “bad” for feeling one way or another. Learn to honor your individuality in front of your children while respecting your partner’s feelings (and your child’s). It will teach them to do the same.

I hope you’re ready to lay the myth of the united front to rest!

If you’d like to join a community of parents who don’t always agree but still support one another, check out the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group!

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Rewarding Your Child Actually Bad for Them?

Imagine having a remote control to manage and direct your kid’s behavior.
 
Clean your room. Done.
Do your homework. Done.
 
Go to bed. Done.
 
Wouldn’t life be a breeze? No more nagging. No more heated arguments. No more talking back.
It’s a joke of course—or is it?
 
Life would certainly be easier if our kids always did what we asked.
 
But then they’d be more like robots and less like the complex, wonderful humans we know and love.
 
In my TEDxChandlersCreek presentation, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I talk about how the reward and punishment method can be similar to using a remote control on our kids.
When we try to manipulate our children’s behavior by rewarding actions that we deem “good” and punishing those we see as “bad,” we activate the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
 
Why?
 
Because rewarding “good” behavior tells our kids they only deserve praise or love when they accomplish specific goals or act in a socially acceptable manner.
 
On the flip side, when we punish so-called “bad” behavior, we fail to address the unmet need fueling the misdeed.
 
Ignoring the messages behind our kids’ actions inadvertently tells them that they don’t matter.
 
Relying on rewards and punishments gives them the impression that we don’t care if they’re sad, angry, or lonely—we just want them to behave well. Like robots.
 
I myself was a product of unconscious parenting. I had to learn how to honor my inner voice after being taught to suppress my authentic self in the name of “good” behavior.
 
I talk about my own journey and so much more in the presentation, which you can watch right here.
 
Love and Blessings,
Katherine
 
P.S. I recently had the privilege of speaking with LaWann Moses on the More Than a Mother podcast. Together, we had a powerful dialogue about the underlying issues that many parents are dealing with in their relationships with their children. Check out the episode to learn more!
 
https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

How to Become an Awesome Parenting Partner

 

Didn’t I tell you they need to start Zoom school at 9? It’s 9:30!
How can you let them watch TV when I literally just said they can’t?!
Why do I feel like I’m doing everything and you’re doing nothing?

Sound familiar? You might find it increasingly challenging to manage working from home, keeping house, and playing teacher to your kid. And because of that, your relationship with your parenting partner may be on the rocks.

Pexels Elina Fairytale 3807188 1

Here are 5 ways to help you repair that relationship and become a better parenting partner:

  1. Practice effective communication. Sighs, grunts, and eye-rolls aren’t effective ways to communicate. Kind, clear communication is crucial to raising healthy and secure kids. Instead of yelling “You never help me when I need you to!”, try (calmly) saying, “I feel overwhelmed because I have a meeting in five minutes. Can you help me by [insert your specific request]?”
  2. Be strategic. Treat your parenting tasks like business goals, especially when issues arise. Create a schedule. Prepare an agenda. Have objectives. Exchange relevant information with your partner and keep them in the loop. Work together to come up with solutions.

  1. Cultivate an atmosphere of respect. One of the fundamental values of conscious parenting is communicating with respect. As parenting partners, you need to model that behavior in how you talk to, and about, each other. Avoid trash-talking your partner or undermining their authority, especially in front of your child.
  1. Agree to be consistent. It’s confusing for a kid to continually shift from one set of rules and expectations to another. Apply consistency to bedtime, chores, and study and play periods. Get on the same side about what’s permitted and what isn’t. Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them and be consistent.
  1. Chill out. Overextending yourself in too many directions makes you tired, overwhelmed, and cranky. For the sake of your partner, your child, and yourself, make sure you create time in your schedule to kick back and relax. Even a few minutes of quiet time makes a difference.

When sticking to these guidelines feels challenging, remember the ultimate goal: to raise happy, healthy children. And that can only be achieved when the parenting team—you and your partner—are happy and healthy too.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Betrayal-What it Is, What it Does

How do you heal when a friend shares your most intimate secrets with the outside world? How do you get beyond losing a promotion after being stabbed in the back by a co-worker? How do you make something positive out of a partner or spouse cheating on you?

The pain of being stabbed in the back or worse yet, the heart, is very real and multi-dimensional. It impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Every relationship has rules- both spoken and unspoken. Over time, we come to believe that if we play by those rules, we will be safe, happy, and fulfilled.

When someone betrays us, they break those rules and it impacts us on every level.

The impact of betrayal is not only real and multifaceted but also ranges in intensity based on how close you are to your betrayer. The more you trusted and depended on the person who betrayed you, the more intense the effects. For example, let’s take a child who is betrayed by a parent and your coworker who took the credit for your idea. Both are betrayals but there’s a different level of cleanup left in the wake of each experience.

In fact, there’s a collection of symptoms (physical, mental and emotional) so common to betrayal it’s become known as Post Betrayal Syndrome.

People who have been betrayed can suffer from a wide range of emotional symptoms such as sadness, anger, stress, rejection, fear, irritability, depression, and abandonment. They can also suffer from physical and mental ailments as well. In my Ph.D. study on betrayal, I studied what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally, and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. A staggering percentage were found to suffer from low energy, extreme fatigue/exhaustion, digestive issues, weight issues, and more. Add to that how common it is to also feel overwhelmed, shocked, unable to focus and concentrate. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] According to the study, betrayal also shatters our worldview. That’s our mental model, the rules that govern us and prevent chaos. This is where the shock of the experience hits us hard. The rules we’ve believed in and counted on have all been broken. The bottom has just bottomed out on us and a new foundation hasn’t been formed yet-it can feel terrifying.

Healing from betrayal can be scary and messy, which is why some people continue to stay stuck. The good news is that moving forward is not only possible, it’s predictable with the right strategies. You can not only rebuild your worldview, you can do it in a way to become your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual best. That’s the silver lining of the dark betrayal cloud. You can come out of it stronger, wiser, healthier, and more empowered than ever before and yes, you can learn to trust again.

When you heal, mentally, you’ll be able to focus on what you choose to pay attention to. Physically, you’ll feel more energetic, healthier, and stronger. Emotionally, you’ll be calmer, centered, and confident. Spiritually, you’ll find the gift in the experience. What had become your life’s story will become a pivotal chapter in your next story. This isn’t just a hopeful idea. It’s predictable when you move through The Five Stages From Betrayal to Breakthrough. You’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something so painful. When you do, that’s trauma well served. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Betrayal-What it Is, What it Does

How do you heal when a friend shares your most intimate secrets with the outside world? How do you get beyond losing a promotion after being stabbed in the back by a co-worker? How do you make something positive out of a partner or spouse cheating on you?

The pain of being stabbed in the back or worse yet, the heart, is very real and multi-dimensional. It impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Every relationship has rules- both spoken and unspoken. Over time, we come to believe that if we play by those rules, we will be safe, happy, and fulfilled.

When someone betrays us, they break those rules and it impacts us on every level.

The impact of betrayal is not only real and multifaceted but also ranges in intensity based on how close you are to your betrayer. The more you trusted and depended on the person who betrayed you, the more intense the effects. For example, let’s take a child who is betrayed by a parent and your coworker who took the credit for your idea. Both are betrayals but there’s a different level of cleanup left in the wake of each experience.

In fact, there’s a collection of symptoms (physical, mental and emotional) so common to betrayal it’s become known as Post Betrayal Syndrome.

People who have been betrayed can suffer from a wide range of emotional symptoms such as sadness, anger, stress, rejection, fear, irritability, depression, and abandonment. They can also suffer from physical and mental ailments as well. In my Ph.D. study on betrayal, I studied what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally, and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. A staggering percentage were found to suffer from low energy, extreme fatigue/exhaustion, digestive issues, weight issues, and more. Add to that how common it is to also feel overwhelmed, shocked, unable to focus and concentrate. [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] According to the study, betrayal also shatters our worldview. That’s our mental model, the rules that govern us and prevent chaos. This is where the shock of the experience hits us hard. The rules we’ve believed in and counted on have all been broken. The bottom has just bottomed out on us and a new foundation hasn’t been formed yet-it can feel terrifying.

Healing from betrayal can be scary and messy, which is why some people continue to stay stuck. The good news is that moving forward is not only possible, it’s predictable with the right strategies. You can not only rebuild your worldview, you can do it in a way to become your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual best. That’s the silver lining of the dark betrayal cloud. You can come out of it stronger, wiser, healthier, and more empowered than ever before and yes, you can learn to trust again.

When you heal, mentally, you’ll be able to focus on what you choose to pay attention to. Physically, you’ll feel more energetic, healthier, and stronger. Emotionally, you’ll be calmer, centered, and confident. Spiritually, you’ll find the gift in the experience. What had become your life’s story will become a pivotal chapter in your next story. This isn’t just a hopeful idea. It’s predictable when you move through The Five Stages From Betrayal to Breakthrough. You’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something so painful. When you do, that’s trauma well served. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute [eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32020″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”]

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Ask Katherine: How do I get my kids to read?

 

  1. Pick a genre they’re interested in. Is your child into animals and insects? Try recommending “Charlotte’s Web” or “Babe.” Do they love a good adventure? “Chronicles of Narnia” might be right up their alley! Capture their attention with topics and genres they already enjoy.
  2. Create a cozy reading nook. Whether it’s a small tent in the living room or a pile of pillows in the bedroom, create a space dedicated to reading. Children love having their own space to enjoy. Make one rule, though: in order to use the reading nook, they actually have to read.
  3. Surround them with reading material. If a kid grows up surrounded by candy, chances are high that they’ll like candy. The same rhetoric applies to reading: when your children have easy access to books, they’ll be more likely to pick one up.

[eut_single_image image_type=”image-link” image_mode=”medium” image=”32023″ link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fc-suitenetwork.com%2Fexecutive-membership|||”] 4.Make reading a family habit. Children model their parent’s behavior, so make reading a shared activity for the entire family (yes, that includes Mom and Dad). Schedule an hour or two on the weekends just for books. You can even join your kids in their reading nook!

5.Read aloud. Reading aloud can make a story more engaging. Take turns reading chapters or assign a specific character to each family member. You can also try audiobooks, many of which have fun voice narration to captivate even the most distractible audiences.

6.Make reading fun. Create fun activities centered around reading. For your outdoorsy boys, a bike ride to the library might do the trick! Older children may enjoy starting a book club with their friends or cousins. They can even host their “club meetings” out on the lawn or over Zoom!

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