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Growth Health and Wellness

Embrace Serendipity – Opportunity Knocking

What do these things have in common?

You’re sitting next to someone on a plane who turns out to have a need for your services and becomes your next client or boss. Or having a spouse with a rare disease and running into a specialist at a friend’s party who happens to be the leading expert on that disease and winds up saving your partner’s life. Or buying a lottery ticket from a store that’s about to close and having a big win. Or it could be something on a smaller scale such as having a hummingbird hover right in front of you.

These are moments of serendipity when seemingly random events occur as if by chance in a way that benefits us or brings us joy and happiness unexpectedly.

Over the past few weeks I can think of at least three experiences I had that felt like serendipity in action:

Las Vegas

I was invited to attend and speak at an event in Las Vegas on The Future of Blockchain and Web 3.0 entitled The Takeover and hosted by Real Vision, a media company I had been unfamiliar with until then. It was a highly curated event of some of the most progressive, bright, forward-thinking entrepreneurs and leaders in the space.

I met a lot of interesting and amazing people during the course of the event. But one individual and I connected pretty deeply across multiple dimensions; he was truly a kindred spirit, and we bonded instantly.

Weird things kept happening to us as if we were in our own little orbit. We’d discuss something rather abstract or obtuse, and the next thing you know someone would join us out of nowhere and bring up the topic we had just been talking about. Or we’d say a strange uncommon word and someone would show up next to us and say it right after. It was noticeably odd and this phenomenon repeated itself time and again.

We experienced the bulk of the event together from then on, and have remained connected since. That depth of connection just doesn’t happen that often. I feel like I’ve met a great new colleague, friend, and possible collaborator. Serendipity in action.

Safe Travels

Then when all the chaos was going on during the holidays with thousands of flights being canceled, I just sailed out of my home airport with ease and my arrival at my destination couldn’t have been smoother. When it was time to reverse course, my flights were delayed heading home (from two different airports), and when I arrived at the second airport, the flight departing prior to the one I was booked on, (which was delayed by a couple of hours) happened to be boarding just as I arrived at the gate — and I was able to hop on and secure a preferred seat near the front. I felt like I was being looked after and treated with kid gloves. It was all so seamless.

An Old Friend Reunited

I was recently running an errand and was led to take a detour down a side street I never go down where a childhood friend lives that I’d been estranged from for 20 years. She happened to be outside in front of her house, which she never is, and recognized me as I was driving by. She yelled “is that you,” and I stopped. We spent three hours together catching up, which was deeply healing for us, and we are now back in each other’s lives. I’m thrilled.

Why does it seem like some people experience more serendipity than others? I guess the question is, can we prepare ourselves to find things we’re not looking for when they show up? Are these events purely random or can they be cultivated?

3 Tips for Bringing More Serendipity into Your Life

  1. Stay alert and aware — I believe there’s a certain pattern recognition you can foster within yourself that allows you to be receptive to seeing connections and opportunities that others might miss.
  2. Be receptive — If you’re curious and open-minded, you’ll naturally be operating within the realm of possibility and that tends to foster and dare I say “encourage” (and even anticipate) more of these moments arising for you. It can help to assume you have special powers that allow you to perceive opportunities like antennas that may alert you to clues (and patterns as referenced above) where you may connect the dots more readily than others.
  3. Trust your intuition and follow it — We all have a built-in guidance system that some feel is tied to a higher power (myself included), which is geared to guide us to optimal outcomes if we just honor it when it arises. The three examples I provided above are just a few ‘chance’ encounters that happen for me more consistently than not, and intuition can work for you as well if you tune in and follow where you’re being led. The right people, opportunities, and circumstances can line up in your favor when you do so; it happens to me too often to be considered random.

Give some careful thought to all of this and resolve to pay better attention moving forward. Be better prepared when opportunity knocks. Then enjoy the moments that follow.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Why Your Body Needs to Rebalance

When you’re going through times of stress, trauma, and betrayal, your adrenals (which output cortisol) are going to have a visceral reaction. At first, your cortisol levels can go extremely high as you’re in stress mode and your body is looking to support that. There’s a demand and you’re using a tremendous amount of cortisol. It’s as if you’re running from a tiger and your body is adapting so you have the energy and stamina needed to run to safety.

Here’s what happens over time

Over time, through stress, that output is going to start to drop because the adrenal glands just can’t keep up with the demand anymore. It’s as if the tiger is no longer a threat but you’re still running because you’re sure you’re still being chased and at risk of being attacked.

The highs and lows

The high phase is going to feel like overdrive – you can’t ramp down. You probably notice this, especially at night. You want to wind down in order to have a restful night’s sleep but your mind just won’t stop racing.

The low phase is going to feel like burnout – you have no energy. This is the phase where everything feels like an effort. You feel like you’re pushing against a force that’s pushing you back as you’re trying to move forward. If you’re going up a staircase, instead of using the railing as support, you’re using it to pull you up each step. Everything feels twice as hard as it used to feel and the only thing you want to do is collapse on the couch and call it a day.

Giving the body the raw materials it needs is key and having the right combination of nutrients that can support your adrenals is crucial.

So what nutrients are needed and how do you help bring the body back into balance?

Talk to your doctor to see what’s right for you first. Here’s more about the key nutrients the body needs to help balance out the highs and lows to support your adrenals during stressful times:

Panax quinquefolius (American ginseng)– The ginseng family of herbs possesses a unique property of aiding in the regeneration and enhanced function of hypothalamic cortisol receptors, providing an amphoteric effect (can act as a base and an acid), which allows the body to better self-regulate cortisol levels. American ginseng may also improve energy levels, benefit brain function and boost the immune system. It can also help to lower blood sugar.

Glycyrrhiza glabra (Licorice root) – Licorice extends the serum life of cortisol, thereby lessening the demand on the adrenal cortex during stressful conditions. What does that mean and what can do for you? It helps to regulate and manage cortisol. It may also help with upper respiratory issues while reducing inflammation and digestive upset.

N-Acetyl-tyrosine–A critical building block of various neurotransmitters, thyroid hormones, and catecholamines (often depleted under chronic stress conditions). It can also act as a precursor for the important brain neurotransmitter dopamine, which impacts your energy and mood.

What are some other nutrients that are helpful to support your adrenals and the rebalance of your body, mind, and mood?

Vitamin C, pantothenic acid (B5), vitamin B6 (as Pyridoxal-5-Phosphate), and vitamin B2 (as Riboflavin-5-Phosphate), all play critical roles as enzyme co-factors in the balanced production of stress hormones.

Where can you find these quality nutrients in the right amounts to help support your adrenals?

Panax quinquefolius (American ginseng) is a root that can be steamed, added to teas, stir frys, soups and water.

Glycyrrhiza glabra (Licorice root) can be found in licorice- no, this isn’t an excuse to head out to the candy aisle of your favorite supermarket or candy store!

N-Acetyl-tyrosine is found in protein such as fish and turkey. Also in dairy such as cheese, yogurt and milk (organic is best if using dairy at all). It can also be found in pumpkin and sesame seeds, avocados, and more.

You can also find it in Rebalance. Check out Rebalance here:

While our bodies are beautifully adapted to respond to a stressful situation, we overly tax our bodies when the message isn’t conveyed that it’s time to rebalance because the thread is over. Through breathing, meditation, journaling, adrenal support and other lifestyle changes, it’s time to let the body know that the threat is over and healing is underway.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Embrace Serendipity – Opportunity Knocking

What do these things have in common?

You’re sitting next to someone on a plane who turns out to have a need for your services and becomes your next client or boss. Or having a spouse with a rare disease and running into a specialist at a friend’s party who happens to be the leading expert on that disease and winds up saving your partner’s life. Or buying a lottery ticket from a store that’s about to close and having a big win. Or it could be something on a smaller scale such as having a hummingbird hover right in front of you.

These are moments of serendipity when seemingly random events occur as if by chance in a way that benefits us or brings us joy and happiness unexpectedly.

Over the past few weeks I can think of at least three experiences I had that felt like serendipity in action:

Las Vegas

I was invited to attend and speak at an event in Las Vegas on The Future of Blockchain and Web 3.0 entitled The Takeover and hosted by Real Vision, a media company I had been unfamiliar with until then. It was a highly curated event of some of the most progressive, bright, forward-thinking entrepreneurs and leaders in the space.

I met a lot of interesting and amazing people during the course of the event. But one individual and I connected pretty deeply across multiple dimensions; he was truly a kindred spirit, and we bonded instantly.

Weird things kept happening to us as if we were in our own little orbit. We’d discuss something rather abstract or obtuse, and the next thing you know someone would join us out of nowhere and bring up the topic we had just been talking about. Or we’d say a strange uncommon word and someone would show up next to us and say it right after. It was noticeably odd and this phenomenon repeated itself time and again.

We experienced the bulk of the event together from then on, and have remained connected since. That depth of connection just doesn’t happen that often. I feel like I’ve met a great new colleague, friend, and possible collaborator. Serendipity in action.

Safe Travels

Then when all the chaos was going on during the holidays with thousands of flights being canceled, I just sailed out of my home airport with ease and my arrival at my destination couldn’t have been smoother. When it was time to reverse course, my flights were delayed heading home (from two different airports), and when I arrived at the second airport, the flight departing prior to the one I was booked on, (which was delayed by a couple of hours) happened to be boarding just as I arrived at the gate — and I was able to hop on and secure a preferred seat near the front. I felt like I was being looked after and treated with kid gloves. It was all so seamless.

An Old Friend Reunited

I was recently running an errand and was led to take a detour down a side street I never go down where a childhood friend lives that I’d been estranged from for 20 years. She happened to be outside in front of her house, which she never is, and recognized me as I was driving by. She yelled “is that you,” and I stopped. We spent three hours together catching up, which was deeply healing for us, and we are now back in each other’s lives. I’m thrilled.

Why does it seem like some people experience more serendipity than others? I guess the question is, can we prepare ourselves to find things we’re not looking for when they show up? Are these events purely random or can they be cultivated?

3 Tips for Bringing More Serendipity into Your Life

  1. Stay alert and aware — I believe there’s a certain pattern recognition you can foster within yourself that allows you to be receptive to seeing connections and opportunities that others might miss.
  2. Be receptive — If you’re curious and open-minded, you’ll naturally be operating within the realm of possibility and that tends to foster and dare I say “encourage” (and even anticipate) more of these moments arising for you. It can help to assume you have special powers that allow you to perceive opportunities like antennas that may alert you to clues (and patterns as referenced above) where you may connect the dots more readily than others.
  3. Trust your intuition and follow it — We all have a built-in guidance system that some feel is tied to a higher power (myself included), which is geared to guide us to optimal outcomes if we just honor it when it arises. The three examples I provided above are just a few ‘chance’ encounters that happen for me more consistently than not, and intuition can work for you as well if you tune in and follow where you’re being led. The right people, opportunities, and circumstances can line up in your favor when you do so; it happens to me too often to be considered random.

Give some careful thought to all of this and resolve to pay better attention moving forward. Be better prepared when opportunity knocks. Then enjoy the moments that follow.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is It Time for a Parent-Teacher Conference About Your Parenting Style?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a Conscious Parent eager to raise your kids using effective communication and active listening. Perhaps you’ve even joined us for the 90-Day Parenting Reset and are practicing the principles of the Guidance Approach to Parenting at home.

But what happens when your child steps outside their protected family bubble? How do you explain the Guidance Approach to Parenting to teachers, child care providers, and even grandparents?

The adult caregivers in your child’s life don’t need to subscribe to the same parenting method as you, but they do need to respect your decisions on how to raise your children.

Talking to Caregivers and Teachers About How to Treat Your Child

These proactive discussion points can help you effectively communicate your parenting style to adults who interact frequently with your kids:

  • “I treat my kids with the respect every human being, regardless of age, deserves.” At the core of the Guidance Approach to Parenting is the conviction that children are humans too—which means they deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. This fundamental value should lead any conversation you begin.
  • “We encourage self-direction instead of reward vs. punishment.” Explain to your child’s teachers that instead of a punitive approach to “bad” behavior, you prefer self-directed resolutions. If your child has an altercation with a classmate, ask their teacher to help identify the root of the problem. Was there an unmet need or a misunderstanding? Once both sides of the story have been heard, the conflicting parties should collaborate on a solution that makes everyone happy.
  • “We use acknowledgement rather than praise.” Praising a child’s looks or intelligence teaches them to measure their self-worth based on superficial traits and what other people think of them. It also brings the poison of measuring their self-worth from external factors.
    Acknowledgment connects a child to their own sense of accomplishment so they can more clearly see their own skills and competencies, and sense into how they feel about themselves.  After all, the cornerstone to solid self-esteem isn’t seeking others’ approval or praise.
    Assure grandparents that they can congratulate their grandkids for a job well done, but that they should emphasize hard work and self-discipline as opposed to empty praise for being “smart.” For example, “I admire how hard you worked on that.” “Congratulations!” “Did you know you could do that?” and “You seem proud of yourself.”
  • “I refrain from using negative adjectives to describe my kids (e.g. calling them “spoiled” or “bad”). There’s a big difference between pointing out that a child made a mess and making them feel like they are a mess. No one likes to be called names! Ask the adults in your children’s life to use non-blameful descriptions of behavior and to avoid names or labels that can undermine your kid’s confidence or sense of self.
  • “Our children know when we talk down to them.” When my daughter Pia was in elementary school, she came home one day absolutely indignant at how a friend’s mother had spoken to her. “Mom, she never would’ve talked to you that way,” she said. She was right. Adults assume that kids won’t catch the nuances in our communication, but they can tell when they’re being talked down to. It can’t possibly feel good to be marginalized and viewed as “less than” just because you’re a child. Caregivers should always be aware of how they’re talking to children.

Sharing your perspective with people who don’t hold the same beliefs isn’t always easy. And altering someone’s point of view won’t happen overnight. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to have these tough conversations.

If you need further guidance starting a dialogue with the adults in your children’s life, our private parenting Facebook group can offer support and help you build your confidence. We stream live every Tuesday at 6 pm PST. You can put your questions and concerns in the comment thread and get them addressed right then and there.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: Are the 3 Rs Inevitable?

Dear Katherine,

You talk about eliminating the 3 Rs (resistance, rebellion, retaliation) through conscious parenting. But don’t you think the 3 Rs are inevitable? 

Why is overcoming them so crucial, and is it even possible to put an end to them completely? 

Sincerely,

It Feels Impossible

Hey there, It Feels Impossible! I love this question.

I believe that when we deem kids’ behavior inevitable, we’re not giving them enough credit.

The reality is, we’re all in control of—and responsible for—our emotions, reactions, and behaviors. It’s a concept known as the internal locus of control.

When children exhibit the 3 Rs, they choose those responses. The keyword there is “responses.”

The 3 Rs are responses to feelings they’re experiencing. Negative feelings and unpleasant emotions are inevitable, even for what some would identify as “well-behaved” children. The variable is how your child chooses to react to those feelings.

A key aspect of the parent-child relationship is helping our kids navigate the way they respond to stimuli, and we can set them up for success by being intentional in our parenting.

Using controlling forms of discipline, like yelling, spanking, or dominating our children, activates the urge to retaliate, rebel, and resist. The 3 Rs are a way for kids to try and reclaim power, so, naturally, they exhibit those behaviors when you take their power away.

In my TEDx talk at Case Western Reserve University, I detail the connection I see between school shooters and the 3 Rs. When a young man in Portland, Oregon, came to school armed, a coach who worked at the school was able to disarm him by wrapping him in a hug and repeatedly telling him, “I’m here for you.”

Pexels Ketut Subiyanto 4473903 7

If that coach had tried to use strict discipline, which focuses on punishments and rewards, the outcome could have been deadly.

A guidance approach to discipline offers an effective alternative to the authoritarian method that breeds more undesirable behavior.

Conscious parenting is about teaching emotional self-regulation, healthy non-violent self-expression, and problem-solving skills so children and adolescents can attain mastery over themselves and their behavior.

In short, it’s possible to avoid the 3 Rs. You and your children can move past them and into a much better, more peaceful life together. I fully believe in you!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: My Daughter Is Spoiled

Katherine,

It pains me to write this, but our daughter is spoiled. She completely melts down when we say no—screaming, crying, and even getting physical. 

We need to start saying no to her. But these tantrums feel impossible to overcome. 

What should we do? 

Sincerely,

Nervous It’s Too Late

Hey there, Nervous It’s Too Late!

This situation is challenging, but I promise you it’s fixable.
First of all, humans are programmed to respond to crying babies and children, so try not to beat yourself up too much for doing whatever you can to calm your daughter down when she starts to escalate.

Pexels Monstera 7114724 1

That said, a healthy parenting relationship means holding firm when you say “no,” and your daughter needs to accept that reality. There may be some unpleasant days or weeks in your future, but if you stay strong, your efforts will pay off.

Here’s what I recommend: Check in with yourself about each thing you’re responding to. Is your answer really a hard no? Saying no with ambivalence is probably one of the reasons it’s easier to go back and change your mind when your daughter reacts so emotionally.

If you feel strongly about your no response, even once she reacts negatively to it, you need to hold firm. Remember that maintaining your position doesn’t mean you aren’t a supportive parent.

Try and defuse your daughter’s emotional response by keeping a level head. Assure her that you understand your “no” is difficult for her to hear, and you get that it’s disappointing. Then, explain why you’re saying no. Because it’s not healthy for her to stay up too late, eat too much sugar, watch too much TV, etc.

Let your daughter know that raising children right is about looking out for them, and sometimes that means saying no to the things they want.

Pexels Victoria Borodinova 7743435 1

Will this conversation go over well? At first, probably not. But you’ll both survive, and you’ll build a better, shared understanding of one another in the long run.

Still, it’s important to listen to kids when they’re melting down. What need isn’t being met? It’s okay to change your no to a yes for a valid reason. If your daughter feels bad about herself, and having a little ice cream and extra TV with you would help her feel special, you won’t undo your hard work by budging every now and then.

And if ice cream and TV aren’t the solutions you’re willing to provide, there’s probably a compromise to be found through parent-child communication that can meet everyone’s needs.

Finally, and I can’t stress this point enough: there’s no such thing as a “spoiled” kid.

There are unproductive behavioral patterns that cause distressing behaviors. Both you and your daughter have a role to play in breaking those patterns and forging new ones. I highly encourage you to check out my TEDx talk on this topic. Shifting your mindset about your daughter is vital to building a stronger relationship with her (and ending these tantrums)!

I wish you all the best on this journey! I believe in both you and your daughter!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Want to see and hear more from Katherine? Subscribe to our Conscious Parenting Revolution YouTube channel!

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Key Nutrients for Restful Sleep

Until a betrayal is healed, we have a wild range of emotions and symptoms to manage like sadness, anger, anxiety, exhaustion and more. It’s important to do something to modulate all of these feelings and aspects of healing that you’re going to be working through until you’re able to move through it completely.

Last week I wrote about the importance of sleep. It’s non-negotiable and at a time where we need quality, restorative sleep the most, it’s common to have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up feeling refreshed. This leaves us feeling exhausted and lethargic which then contributes to a lack of clarity as well as less patience.

While in last week’s post I talked about how to improve your sleep environment as well as create a helpful sleep routine, it’s also important to realize how quickly nutrients become depleted during stressful times. Even the healthiest diets may not be enough to combat how quickly we’re burning through nutrients that supply us with the energy, strength and clarity we need.

So what nutrient support do we need?

Just as you might find additional support to help navigate your mental and emotional state after an experience with betrayal or shattered trust, it’s important to get nutrient and sleep support as well during these times. Let’s talk about key nutrients that combat stress and help promote restful sleep.

GABA, Gamma-aminobutyric acid helps promote sleep while also reducing mental and physical stress. It helps create a sense of calmness and helps to reduce anxiety which is important when we’re working through feelings of fear and stress.

L-theanine is an amino acid found in tea leaves. It boosts GABA (which helps create a sense of calm) along with other neurotransmitters that help to regulate emotions and mood. It also helps reduce brain chemicals associated with anxiety and stress.

Melatonin: Melatonin helps to regulate our circadian rhythm by being secreted in response to darkness. Light at night can disrupt melatonin production (which is why sleeping in a dark and tech free room promotes restful sleep). Melatonin can help us fall asleep more quickly as well as improve the quality of our sleep.

5-HTTP: 5-Hydroxytryptophan is another amino acid produced within the body. It helps raise serotonin levels in the brain. Since serotonin helps regulate mood and behavior, 5-HTP may have a positive effect on sleep, appetite, anxiety and mood.

Pyridoxal phosphate (P-5-P or PLP): PLP is an active form of vitamin B6, a nutrient that supports the brain, heart and immune system. While B-6 is found in certain foods, processing and refining foods dramatically reduces the availability of B-6. It’s common to have a B-6 deficiency due to a poor or processed diet, and this can impact our sleep, strength, mood and more.

Ok, so now what do we do?

Any food or supplement that’s processed, that includes fillers, or is of poor quality is a waste of energy and expense. These nutrient-void subquality products actually cause your body to work harder to absorb, digest and process them. As if betrayal wasn’t hard enough to “absorb, digest and process,” this is why it’s important to take your nutrition and supplementation seriously: even if it’s only for a short period of time while you’re struggling to find solid ground again after your experience. It’s a time when you want to have the highest concentration of nutrients of the highest quality so you have the additional support necessary to sleep when you need to, as well as to help you think clearly when you’re awake.

Here’s why we created Sleep.

Sleep is a blend of botanicals, nutrients, and neurotransmitter precursors designed to support quality, restful sleep. By providing nutritional support for calm brain activity, Sleep promotes relaxation and offers help for occasional sleeplessness.

Sleep is a formulary blend of botanicals, nutrients, neurotransmitters, and neurotransmitter precursors designed to support quality sleep.   By encouraging the calming of brain activity, Sleep helps not only with the ability to get to sleep, but also to stay asleep.

Sleep may:

  • Serve as a sleep aid and general relaxant without causing sleep hangover
  • Provide a natural sedative effect without causing morning drowsiness
  • Reduce generalized anxiety symptoms
  • Improve pain tolerance in chronic pain syndromes, increasing the ability to sleep through the night

Key ingredients include: 

  • Blend of safe nervine botanicals known for their relaxant properties and ability to reduce tension and promote sleep, without causing morning grogginess. It’s also made with non-GMO ingredients
  • Calm-a new, proprietary form of GABA (body’s main calming neurotransmitter), naturally manufactured through a fermentation process and considered more effective than other traditional, chemically produced synthetic forms of GABA
  • L-theanine for support of calming neurotransmitter production, clinically proven to reduce stress and improve the quality of sleep
  • Melatonin– a hormone whose main role is in the control of the circadian (day/night) rhythms. Its production should peak at night and is instrumental for maintaining quality sleep patterns. Melatonin production declines significantly with age, often causing sleep difficulties as­sociated with aging.
  • 5-HTP– precur­sor to serotonin, supports further melatonin production during the night to help with staying asleep
  • Pyridoxal-5-phospate(activated form of vitamin B6) – helpful in the conversion of 5-HTP to serotonin (5-HT)

Who Should Take Sleep?

Check with your doctor first, but sleep is ideal for those experiencing difficulty getting to sleep, or staying asleep through the night.

Prioritizing sleep is key when we’re stressed and betrayal is certainly a time when stress is extremely high. When we’re well rested, we can then move through all of the other priorities that need our attention. And, with sleep, we’ll move through them more effectively and efficiently.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Ask Katherine: I’m in a constant power struggle with my strong-willed child!

6 tips for transforming power struggles into parent-child collaborations.

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Ask Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

I am a mother to a lovely, zany, strong-willed 8-year-old girl. I love her to smithereens, but sometimes it feels like we’re in a constant power struggle. Last weekend she wanted to wear a bathing suit to church. Today, she refused to wear a coat—in the middle of winter! I value her firm sense of self and the vitality of her character, but I don’t want to be caught in a cycle of push and pull. What do I do?

Love,

The Struggle is Real

Dear The Struggle is Real,

First, I want to congratulate you on raising such an amazing little girl! A strong-willed child isn’t a “bad” child, but a unique person with special gifts and talents. Their innate sense of self-direction and motivation positions them to become amazing leaders. They’re often vibrant and passionate free-thinkers who aren’t easily deterred by outside pressures.

I, too, have a strong-willed child. My daughter Pia had (and shared!) opinions very early on and I had to learn how to effectively communicate with her and meet her needs.

The Struggle is Real, you wrote that you value your daughter’s vitality and sense of self. That’s wonderful! As parents, it’s our responsibility to encourage a strong will, not break it. You can empower your child’s identity and still keep the peace.

Here are 6 tips for transforming power struggles into parent-child collaborations:

  1. Encourage independent learning. Known for being spirited and brave, strong-willed children learn by experience. She wants to ride a bike without your help? Let her. She decided to cut her teddy bear open and sew it back together? Tell her to go for it. (She may cry later, but you’ll be there to comfort her.) As long as she’s not in any real danger, give her the space to test her limits. She’ll be all the wiser for it.
  2. Teach self-direction. If there’s one thing strong-willed children crave, it’s being in charge of themselves. Take this opportunity to teach healthy autonomy. Ask her to create her own daily schedule, plotting out blocks of time for activities like school, play, and sleep. Strong-willed kids are quite collaborative when given the freedom to express themselves.
  3. Give choices, not ultimatums. If your daughter is anything like mine, she probably hates submitting to a parent’s will just because they said so. Explain to her why she can’t wear her swimsuit to church (swimsuits are for swimming), then give her the choice to pick out another outfit. You can even compromise by allowing her to wear the swimsuit underneath a dress.
  4. Set routines. Most strong-willed kids need to be able to predict what happens next. Setting regular routines helps them know what to expect. Collaborate with everyone though so that each person’s feelings and needs are considered when creating the routines and you will save yourself a lot of agony. If others are included in the conversation, then you have avoided all the power struggles because they were a part of the decision making process. No more trying to sneak in another hour of screentime!
  5. Practice positive communication. Instead of yelling back when your child is throwing a tantrum (I know it’s tempting), take a deep breath and give them time to wind down before you engage. When everyone’s calmer, ask your child if she can reframe what she needs to say in a more considerate way.
  6. Listen. When a child violently opposes a simple request (e.g. to take a bath), there’s usually a deeper reason why. Sit down and ask her what’s really bothering her. The art is to do that without asking too many questions but really listening. Listening allows you to sense into what the problem is “behind the problem.”  “Seems like something is bothering you” will get you further than a more direct “What is wrong with you?” Finding the real cause of conflict will help you address it at its core.

The Struggle is Real, when your strong-willed child is “acting up,” that’s when she needs you the most. Let her know that power struggles are unnecessary because you’ve got her back and have her best interests at heart. When it’s clear to her that you value her identity just as much as she does, your strong-willed girl will become your best ally.

 

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Top Sleep Strategies During Stressful Times

Sleep. It’s one of the last things we’re getting enough of when we’re struggling with a betrayal, shock, or trauma of any kind. All of the painful thoughts, reminders, and triggers that you may have been able to outrun during the day seem to come out in full force at night.

When we’re busy and distracted, we can put these things on the back burner but they seem to show up at night in full force. It’s when the thoughts we’ve been outrunning seem to look to be processed, looked at, dealt with. This is when the “monkey mind” can keep us tired and wired for hours.

Sleep is absolutely essential for the healing process.

It needs to be a priority and it’s not just about the number of hours you’re sleeping, but the quality too. Restful, reparative, and restorative sleep is what’s needed to help us cope, think more clearly, and better move through our experience.

Think about it. Even when you’re not under extreme stress and you haven’t gotten the sleep you needed. You’re on edge, it’s hard to think clearly, and it’s challenging to make wise decisions. So if you’re under the stress of betrayal, shattered trust, or reeling from something you never saw coming, it can be brutal.

It’s important to not only be able to fall asleep, but to stay asleep. Quality melatonin will help you fall asleep and melatonin is also a great antioxidant. So many studies talk about the benefits of melatonin. When there’s also the right support which also includes 5-HTP (which is 5-Hydroxytryptophan), that’s going to help you stay asleep. This also supports serotonin, which is a feel-good neurotransmitter, so it’s going to help with depression too; something common to betrayal as well.

P5P (a natural, most bioavailable form of B6) is also essential. Theanine is a great calming neurotransmitter and GABA (a calming and relaxing neurotransmitter) helps create calm as well. The right biochemicals are also helpful to support the nerves and nervous system; bringing in relaxant properties.

So what can you do to create  a healthy sleep protocol?

Check with your doctor to see if an all-natural, quality sleep supplement would help. It can serve as temporary support at a time when sleep simply isn’t optional.

In addition to support to help create reparative and restorative sleep, it’s also helpful to have a sleep routine and a healthy sleep environment.

Let’s talk about a healthy sleep routine.

For a healthy sleep routine, here’s where you want to create conditions that signal to the body and mind that it’s time to wind down and prepare for a restful night. That means, shutting down all tech way before it is time to sleep. Instead, use that time for something soothing and calming. Take a bath, use calming essential oils, read a book (not one that’ll keep you up and engaged, but a book that’s relaxing), or have some chamomile tea (no caffeine after noon). Through a calming nighttime ritual, you’re letting your body know it’s slowly time to wind down.

A point worth mentioning. Since the thoughts that were able to be put aside during the day come out at night, how do you drown out the sounds and potential images making their way into your mind the minute your head hits the pillow? Of course, these thoughts need to be worked through so avoiding them isn’t the solution. Get support around moving through your experience. But, when they intrude on your sleep, this isn’t the time to do deep, healing work.

So many people I’ve worked with have found that falling to sleep listening to calming music, meditations or an audiobook that helps you feel safe, grounded, and connected can help. What’s also great about this is, instead of marinating on the problem while you sleep, you’re subconsciously helping to reprogram your mind with ideas and concepts more helpful and soothing.

How’s your sleep environment?

Finally, your sleep environment plays a role in restful sleep too. You may think those bright colors, messy room, or cluttered space isn’t vying for your attention…but it is. A cluttered space equals a cluttered mind. Also, those bright colors and other “noise” in your space can be preventing you from the soothing ambiance you need to create a more restful environment.

Whether it’s creating a calming space, restful routine, temporarily supplementing or implementing more healing practices during the day that prevent unprocessed emotions from coming out at night, prioritizing sleep is key to your body, mind, and heart.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

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Dear Katherine: My Son Shuts Down After School

Dear Katherine,

When I pick my son up from school, he seems to shut down completely. I ask him about his day, and he gives me one-word answers or responds, “I don’t know,” to my questions. 

He’s definitely prone to anxiety, but I’m worried about how down he seems when he gets home. 

How can I get him to open up? 

Sincerely,

Feeling Bummed

Feeling Bummed,

I’m sorry to hear that your son seems so down when he gets home from school. I think I can help.

Generally speaking, there are three options for confronting undesirable behavior in children:

Option #1: Change your child’s behavior. Most parents start here. Attempting to change a kid’s behavior may seem like the most direct response, but it isn’t easy, and the changes won’t happen overnight.

Option #2: Change your own behavior. Adjusting your own behavior is easier because you have full control of your actions. Who among us doesn’t have things they could change to elicit different reactions from people?

Option #3: Change the environment. Believe it or not, this third option is the simplest and most effective course of action. Ask yourself how you might adjust the environment to impact your child’s behavior.

I recommend starting with Option #3. Here’s my parenting tip for you, Feeling Bummed:

Bring a nutritious snack along when you pick up your child from school and try to make sure he eats it as soon as you get in the car. This small action could yield significant results. Let’s unpack why.

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Children burn glucose much faster than adults. The brain needs glucose to process information and carry out tasks. You mentioned that your son has anxiety, so it stands to reason that he’s probably burning more glucose than a non-anxious child because of all the mental work he puts in to make it through the day.

Most kids are hungry by the end of the school day, which can deplete their mental bandwidth. Providing carrots, apple slices, or cheese and crackers at pickup can make a world of difference in your parent-child communication.

Once you give him his snack, hold off on asking any questions for a solid 10 minutes to let his brain absorb those nutrients. In the meantime, prime him for a positive interaction by telling him that you missed him during the day, you’re happy to be spending time with him now, and you love him.

If bringing him a snack doesn’t work, try out other environmental adjustments until you crack the code. Maybe your son doesn’t like to talk when he’s in the car. Perhaps he needs a good 30 minutes to decompress before he’s ready to engage with you.

Keep in mind that children are outer-directed all day long and have no opportunities to exercise their autonomy needs at school. Getting in that car or finally landing at home is their first chance to choose space, quiet, and self-direction.

The sooner you start experimenting, the faster you can expect your parenting win. I’m rooting for you!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Have you heard my latest podcast with Women Road Warriors? I loved speaking about How to Communicate with Your Kids & Teens Without Losing Your Mind with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Tuccaro! Listen here!