Have you ever wondered how to be an effective problem solver? On average, we make over 35,000 decisions a day. Yet, much like negotiation, decision-making and problem-solving really isn’t a skill that we’re taught. I recently interviewed Sarah Ramsey, a professional problem solver and relationship expert. In this interview, we discussed how to negotiate problem solving and achieve the next level of success in business and in life through solution-based thinking. I wanted to share some of the key gems from the interview with you.

Spaghetti, Waffles, Action:

Sarah explained her signature problem-solving system: Spaghetti, Waffles, Action. She describes spaghetti-thinking as problems that are very emotionally charged, where our emotions stack on top of the issue(s) at hand. This ends up looking like spaghetti. The problems become layered and interwoven as one big messy problem. This type of spaghetti thinking is a universal problem which is heightened as most of us aren’t even aware we’re doing it. If you elevate your awareness, you can start to put labels on some of the noodles and begin to unravel the spaghetti.

With a waffle, you can take one bite at a time. When you start seeing your problems as individual waffles squares, and handle one problem at a time, you can solve them simultaneously. Putting the problems into waffle squares lines up the problems side by side instead of on top of each other and allows you to prioritize and separate the emotional problems from the practical ones.

Once each problem is in its own square, you can create action plans around each problem. You start searching for solutions to each problem individually, and it creates clarity. When you are intentional with solution-based thinking, it avoids burnout and makes you more respected as a leader.

Smart Girl Syndrome

Smart girl syndrome is when people are struggling with something, so they work harder and get better. Then, from that point on they think this is the solution to all problems, including changing circumstances that are out of their control. This rarely works. But when we’re wedded to a belief system that tells us we just need to put our nose to the grindstone as hard work will ultimately prevail, we can stay stuck in a spin cycle where we continue to throw more valuable energy at problems with no prospect of success. Sarah advocates, “if it’s not working, stop doing it”.

Our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves and negotiating our own mindset. Simple solutions can often be the most effective. We don’t need to beat ourselves up, toiling away with processes that aren’t getting us any traction.

Self-Talk to Become a Better Problem Solver

Self-esteem, integrity, and confidence are key when it comes to problem solving. It is important to negotiate your mindset when it comes to these things. Tell yourself that you follow through, you show up, you do the things you set out to do. If we break our promises to ourselves or tell ourselves things that are not empowering, then we aren’t being the best version of ourselves. I invite you to retrain your brain. Tell yourself you’re going to do the things you want to do, so you can follow through and come up with solutions to make sure these things happen.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries with ourselves is important. However, it is also important to set boundaries with other people, as well as the problems in our lives. Sarah used the story of the three little pigs to illustrate the point. One little pig had straw boundaries, one little pig had stick boundaries, and one little pig had brick boundaries, but none of the pigs changed the Big, Bad Wolf. In our conversations around boundaries, sometimes we forget that they’re meant to protect the pigs, not to set wolves straight. She explained that we get ideas in our head of showing the wolf “Look how strong I am” thinking the wolf will then say “Well, I’ve been selfish for years and now you’ve got me. We can be on even ground and be friends.” But that isn’t what is going to happen. This goes back to the strategy of if ‘it’s not working, stop doing it’. It’s about changing yourself; you can only control yourself.

Toxic Person Proofing

Toxic person proofing is a form problem solving. There are many abstract concepts and confusing words when talking about toxic people. Sarah likes to break these down for people and make it as simple as possible. She explained that one of the best ways to protect yourself from either manipulation or confusion is to go back to the spaghetti and waffles. The more clarity you have in your own mind, the less likely that somebody can confuse you.

In negotiating your best life, you must negotiate your environment as well, which includes your inner circle. There are always going to be toxic people, and it is impossible to completely avoid them. It is best to just deny the toxic people access to us as much as we can. If we can’t completely deny access, we can always delay access.

When dealing with a very difficult person, remember the actual problem. Sarah used the example of going to a party in a backyard and when you go to the front door, you’re told you can’t get in. Instead of focusing on the person not opening the door, remember what the problem is. The problem is you’re trying to get to the backyard. If you remember that, you’ll realize you can just go around the house.

It’s important not to let toxic people become your focus. Many times, we can be the toxic person to ourselves with our negative self-talk. I invite you to use your inner critic to help yourself with negotiations, not to shame yourself.

How to Use Emotions in Problem-Solving

Many people feed their emotions rather than seeking practical solutions. It’s important to solve emotional and practical problems side by side. Many people use all their energy talking to people about their fears and emotions, rather than trying to find solutions to the problem.

These tips are sure to make you a better problem solver and help with learning to focus on solution-based thinking. To hear the full interview, check out the podcast episode.

Can you negotiate a boost to your immune system? Many would scoff at the idea. Surely our immune systems are improved (or not) through scientific methods. It’s not something we can negotiate. I invite you to reconsider and reframe the scope of negotiation. Our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves. When we get intentional about negotiation our mindset, we can improve our lives in every way. Boosting our immune systems is no exception.

In my interview with Robin Nielson, founder of Natural Hormone Solutions, she shared some powerful tips on how to boost your immune system. In the wake of COVID, with our heightened awareness about the importance of healthy body defences, I thought I’d share her insights.

Did you know you can grow younger no matter what your age? During times where health has been more discussed more than ever before, healthy habits and natural solutions to developing a healthy immune system is as important as it gets.

When you think of boosting your immune system, the first thing you might think of is “how many nutrients can I take?” or “how can I boost my immune system fast?” The truth is, the biggest immune system suppressors are deep-rooted habits and parts of your lifestyle that you might not even be aware of.

That leads to a core element of boosting your immune system: addressing your stressors, the deep-rooted bad habits or negative aspects of your life that you might not even recognize. You can negotiate powerful new habits. It’s important to start prioritizing things that are good for yourself and to eliminate the things in your life that don’t serve you and end up stressing you out.

Addressing these stressors will pose as a challenge; so, it’s important to start practicing an attitude of gratitude. Being thankful and dismissing stress hormones will steer your mind and body away from its ‘fight-or-flight’ mode, which will in turn boost your immune system. But how do you practice being in a state of attitude of gratitude?

You can simply keep a gratitude journal. The use of this journal can be as simple as listing 3-5 things you’re grateful for each day. A good time for this is right before bed, and it’s important that you think of something new, rather than using the same gratitude(s) every day. This trains your brain to look for what’s right in the world, as the human brain naturally wants to directly go to what’s wrong. As humans we’re wired to stay alive – always looking for what’s wrong, so we can run.

What are some more tools you can use? Another simple, but game-changing option is opposition thinking. When a negative thought comes to mind, turn it around into a positive thought: simply think the opposite. It’s important to note that you shouldn’t get angry or judge yourself for thinking negatively. Those conditioned knee-jerk responses are hard-wired and the immediate reaction is out of your control. You do, however, have control over what you do with the thought.

It’s important to keep these ways of maintaining gratitude a habit for effective results. So, what happens when we express gratitude consistently? You’ll improve sleep, simply through expressing gratitude and turning negative emotions into positive ones. Sleep is a key component for the immune system – like protective armour for your body. Sleep will completely restore and rejuvenate your immunity to viruses, bacteria, etc. – so when you’re against something hurtful, your body is much more resilient. With less sleep, your body will be like a sitting duck waiting to get sick. Being happier, motivated, determined, and having more attention are other important benefits from practicing gratitude in your life.

How you sleep is the other half of the effort. It’s important to get restorative sleep – which means getting unmedicated sleep (meaning no sleep drug/aid). Getting 5 cycles of REM and deep sleep puts you in that restorative state. Unfortunately, sleep medications keep you in deep sleep, skipping the REM cycles that are a great factor in obtaining restorative sleep. Having a consistent sleep schedule and eliminating distractions (no phone in the bedroom) will be great factors in ensuring you will get the sleep that your body needs. While getting your 7 hours of sleep will make you very immune-protected, it is still strongly recommended that you get your 8 essential hours. You’ll feel great and have maximum immune system protection.

Diet is another key component for keeping a hormone balance that will greatly affect your immune system. It’s important to eat a high protein breakfast within an hour of waking up. What you’re eating and when you’re eating is very important to keeping a balanced diet. Eating 3 meals a day with 4-6 hours in-between is the most effective way to being and feeling balanced. Timing is very crucial: with no eating after 7 PM, and at least 12 hours between dinner and breakfast. This is so we leave the body to restore and heal during this downtime.

Alongside diet, you’re going to want to make sure you’re nutrient efficient. Nutrient deficiency can be a large part of why your immune system may be compromised. Some examples might be low iron, low zinc, low vitamin D, low B-12 levels, and especially low magnesium. Magnesium is very immune protective, and it can be seen as an epidemic with how many people are magnesium deficient and don’t even realize it.

You may have noticed that much of this recipe for an improved immune system comes down to your habits. The beauty is that you can negotiate your habits. Get intentional in each of these simple suggested habits and you’ll be well on your way to a radically improved body defense system, so next time your body faces a virus or bacteria, you’ll be fully prepared to fight.

 Check out the full podcast interview with Robin Nielson, here.

I’m on a mission to help people elevate their negotiation skills. Part of that process includes reframing how you look at negotiations and how you do it. To that end, I’m always on the lookout for fresh perspectives and insights. I was excited to meet Izzy Gesell, one of the first experts to use improv theatre concepts as tools for personal and organizational learning. Izzy had some interesting thoughts on how we can use improv skills to improve our negotiations and get better outcomes.

Improv is a process-focused art form where you don’t learn the outcome, but you learn how to step into different situations and be prepared for what comes towards you. Hmm. Sounds a lot like negotiating. You don’t know the outcome at the outset of the process, but you need to step into whatever situation presents and be prepared to deal with it in the most effective way possible.

Like improv, when you show up for a negotiation, some people want to be there, some people don’t; you have to influence, persuade and try to keep engagement.

In both improv and negotiation, you need to be able to lead and follow. And in both, the ‘Yes, and’ versus ‘Yes, but’ approach is critical. In other words, even when you don’t agree or you’re taken by surprise, you acknowledge and accept the other party’s position and then you can add to it (which may include giving a very different perspective). ‘Yes, and’ means we can have different opinions without making either person or party wrong, whereas ‘yes, but’ implies that one of us has to give in. ‘And’ opens doors, while ‘but’ closes them. ‘And’ opens the possibility to work together, while ‘but’ pits us against each other, typically triggering an adverse emotional response. That one word shift makes a subtle but profound difference.

This applies in our professional and personal negotiations. We assume we can get away with ‘butting’ our loved ones, yet in family situations there’s usually more triggers than in 3rd party relationships. In our professional life, we tend to be clear about our roles, whereas our emotions have been quashed down over the years in our personal relationships and our roles are much more flexible. This actually increases the need for a ‘Yes, and’ approach to get better outcomes and build better relationships.

Izzy recommends the One-Word Story as an effective exercise for both improv and negotiation. In this exercise, neither person knows where it’s going. Neither can predict or control the other person’s word. It’s key to stay present, suspend judgment and allow the process to unfold. These are all key skills for an effective negotiator to master. I’ve seen many negotiations fail because people come with attachment to a particular process or outcome. They come having pre-judged the other party and/or their position(s). In doing so, they miss gorgeous opportunities that arise, lying on the table for the taking.

The One-Word Story game allows us to practice suspending judgment or expectation and flowing with the dialogue in real time. When we notice judgment arising, it allows us to pause, take a step back and consider where it’s coming from and what we can learn from it. The idea of the exercise is to always go forward.

I invite you to notice the judgment you may even have about the exercise itself. In my interview with Izzy, he suggested we play the game together in real time on air. I agreed but commented that I expected it would be challenging to do a single word at time. I was making a judgment about something I’d never experienced. I assumed it would be harder than what I knew. In other words, I came with a story (as we all do in life) that impacted my perception and my reaction before we’d even started.

Consider how often this happens in your daily negotiations in life. How often do you show up with expectations, judgments and stories before the negotiation even begins? How does this impact on how you show up? Get curious about the stories you may tell yourself and the judgments you may bring to the negotiation table. Pay attention to the state that you show up in. Are you excited, anxious, fearful? Recognize what fears show up. Is it fear of being judged, fear of failure, fear of the unknown?

There is typically a jumbled mix of emotions when approaching a negotiation or any potentially challenging conversation. Learning to recognize the feelings that arise that don’t serve you is a valuable skill.

Likewise, as the negotiation proceeds, you’ll likely have judgments and stories about yourself, the other party, and the process. The One-Word Story exercise was interesting from that perspective as well. I found that I was judging my performance, feeling that I was too slow and disrupting the flow. My inner critic was in full bloom. No doubt you’ve experienced this in your negotiations. We judge ourselves deficient with no data to support that story. And it adversely impacts on our experience and ultimately our performance.

We often impose limitations that have no objective basis. Izzy shared a story about a workshop he led where one woman had the same reaction I had. She felt she had been too slow notwithstanding that no time limit had been imposed, and in fact, Izzy’s instructions had explicitly said there was no limit. The woman acknowledged this, saying “I heard you, but I didn’t believe you, because nothing in my life has no time pressure to it.”

As she said those words, the light bulb went off. She realized why her direct reports were so nervous when she came into the room. She realized she carries and emanates a sense of urgency around with her even when it’s not necessary. This is an important realization. Who we show up as (whether in games, in leadership roles or in negotiations) impacts the emotions, consciously and unconsciously, of the people we deal with. Increasing our awareness about this allows to get more intentional about choosing approaches that will serve to deliver better outcomes.

The exercise is a safe place to explore these concepts without defensiveness. It’s easier to be vulnerable talking about these issues in the context of a game where there are no real-world consequences. You can take more risks and experience deeper learning and insights which you can translate to profound life experiences impacting your relationships and interactions. What you take away from how you play will inform you about how you show up in real life.

For more great gems, check out the full interview with Izzy Gesell, from my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast. Or if you prefer a visual experience, you can check out the interview on our Women On Purpose YouTube channel.

If you’ve ever complained about a lack of balance or harmony in your life, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to the final installment of our 4-part series on How to Negotiate Balance in Your Life.  We’ve been offering up simple, game-changing strategies you can invoke to introduce more balance.

In Part I, we rekindle your desire to find purpose; addressed the importance of saying ‘no’; explored what you may be tolerating that’s sabotaging your chance at balance; considered who you need to negotiate with; and debunked the myth that there’s no such thing as work-life balance.

In Part II, we uncovered enhanced goal setting strategies, discussed being present, knowing your boundaries, and setting your priorities.

In Part III, we continued on our journey to discover balance by introducing simple time management strategies to up level your productivity and priorities focus. We covered how to engage  time audits, energy audits, and time blocks to bring more harmony.

Today, we conclude our exploration to leave you with enhanced skills to find your personal balancing regime.

XI Recognize Your Blocks

Last week, in Part III, we introduced the idea of time blocks and how you could use them to improve your productivity and efficiency. Continuing with the theme of blocks, let’s turn our attention inward. What internal blocks may be holding you back from having the balance you deserve?

At some level, do you believe you don’t deserve downtime? Or are you resistant to receiving from other people? We often end up self-sabotaging by convincing ourselves we need to take care of everything. Do the inner work necessary to challenge these limiting beliefs or balance will continue to elude you.

Or maybe you’re living in a ‘one day’ mindset, setting self-imposed conditions before you allow yourself to live into your dream (i.e. once the kids are in school, or once the kids are out of school, or once the kids are out of the house, or once I hit this particular target, or once I get this one more degree, or hit that marker). I call that living in a ‘one day’ mindset, because there will always be some other marker. Some other thing that allows you to put your dreams and your vision and your entitlement to balance on pause. I invite you to challenge that. Start living into your best life now.

What are your internal blocks? Identifying them is the first step to eradicating them. Flip the stories you’ve been telling yourself that hold you back from stepping into your most empowered self and life.

XII Control Your Environment

Are you intentional about managing your environment? First, look to your physical environment. A cluttered space can cause a cluttered mind which makes it challenging to find that gorgeous, elusive balance. Be mindful of your space. Create a space you enjoy being in. Spoil yourself. Treat yourself. Have an environment that inspires you to show up as the best version of yourself. Have somewhere in your house you love to unwind and relax. Be very mindful about your physical environment.

Also, as part of your environment, be mindful about who you have in your life. Ensure you surround yourself with people who are both inspired and inspiring, who inspire you to reach higher, to be better. I invite you to take a look at your inner circle. It is said that our success reflects the five closest people in our inner circle. Are the people currently in your inner circle people who may be holding you back?

Sometimes these are people who do it out of love, with the best of intentions, but they make us question ourselves, doubt ourselves, stop us from taking risks. They stop us from growing, keeping us in a comfortable space thinking they’re keeping us safe when in fact they’re holding us back from achieving our full potential.

Be mindful of your environment. Surround yourself with people who challenge you, who stretch you, who encourage you to grow, because it’s only when you do that, that you’re going to be able to find balance.

XIII Push Outside Your Comfort Zones

Some of us convince ourselves that we’ve achieved a state of balance when we’re really just sitting in our comfort zones. We don’t feel challenged and so it feels safe. In fact, though, those comfort zones are self-imposed prisons. They keep us small. They constrict us. They shrink us. This is not balance – this is withering on the vine of life.

Instead, I invite you to be brave. Take your foot off your psychological emergency brake. As you take risks to learn new things, you gain competence. With that competence comes confidence. With that increased confidence, comes increased willingness to try more new things, which breeds ever-increasing competencies, in a gorgeous upward spiral. These increased competencies and confidence will allow you more choice, which in turn will allow you to better maintain a state of balance and harmony in your life.

Final Thoughts

Remember that you get what you tolerate in life. You get to determine your boundaries and your non-negotiables. And as you practice being able to give positive no’s in your life, you can open up more space, have more flexibility and start to practice the act of balancing of your life. This involves a negotiation with yourself, with those in your workplace, and with those closest to you in terms of family and friends.

I’d be remiss though if I didn’t point out that we are not machines. You’re human. Allow for that. This series is designed to give you some tips to step into a life with more balance. Take what works for you. This isn’t an all or nothing approach. Acknowledge that life happens. There will be necessary unanticipated interruptions. For example, my mom was diagnosed with dementia this year. There are times when I have to drop everything and tend to her needs. Or our one-year-old German Shepherd pup gets into mischief and I may have to deal with it in the moment (or my important documents may become his snack). I get it.

Life is for living, not sticking rigidly to a mandated compliance regime. Be sure to allow down time to just ‘be’. Schedule time for pleasure activities and also allow time for unscheduled moments. You don’t want to be scheduled 100% of the time. Give yourself the grace to be human and to enjoy this human experience.

I invite you to go forth and start negotiating the flexibility and balance you deserve. Maybe you haven’t thought of it as a negotiation before. And if so, I have done my job at the very least in reframing the issue and increasing your awareness to better equip you to step into your new state of symmetry, stability, and steadiness.