Dracula author Bram Stoker wrote: “It is really wonderful how much resilience there is in human nature. Let any obstructing cause, no matter what, be removed in any way, even by death, and we fly back to first principles of hope and enjoyment.”

It’s ironic that an author who wrote about one of the world’s most famous demons is so positive about the human spirit! But it’s true – possessing self-belief, resilience, and good negotiation skills are crucial to leading a happy and successful life.

Having resilience can help you bounce back from adversity, setbacks, and failures, which we all experience at various points in life. Unfortunately, while many women have ‘imposter syndrome,’ most men tend to steam straight in and ‘assume the deal.’ It’s time to turn that around!

With negotiation coaching from a certified coach, women can unleash their ‘Sasha Fierce,’ as (the usually shy) Beyonce calls her sassy on-stage alter-ego. They can watch that confident, resilient woman get out there and claim what is rightfully hers and conquer any lingering demons.

So, who and what are our inner demons?

They’re our Achilles’ heel, the parts of ourselves that keep us awake at night. Your inner demons prevent you from going forward, reminding you of embarrassing moments when you’ve “failed” or looked “stupid” – at least in your mind.

The demons may berate you for not being “good” or “clever.” They can make you feel inadequate for not being thin or pretty enough. Those demons will niggle away at your consciousness, making you feel like you will never be as funny, independent, educated, or loyal as anyone you know, or don’t, for that matter. In fact, come up with any adjective you can think of, and there’s usually a demon that will chip away at your psyche, making you feel inferior to others.

The inner demons are the chattering voices you try to hide or suppress, usually out of fear more than anything else. But it’s not always our fear of letting other people see our demons, which causes the problem. Our issues often stem from the deep-rooted fear we have within and for ourselves. Does fear of rejection, looking stupid, or being open to ridicule sound familiar?

Relax! Your fears are actually fear of your power – and only by facing them can you unlock your potential. As the Dalai Lama says, “If you can defeat your inner demons (like hatred, jealousy, anger, etc..), no task is impossible thereafter.”

Avoiding and/or fighting your demons and fear just feeds them, so they grow larger, scarier, and in the end, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To quell those demons, you need to negotiate past your fear. It’s the process of how you manage that which will determine whether you go down the path of success or destruction.

Here Are 5 Ways To Build Personal Resilience And Conquer Your Demons:

1) Getting started

It sounds simple, but you have to start somewhere. How many times have you said, “The diet/exercise plan starts tomorrow?” The best way to begin your journey is by committing to a better future and a happier life. It’s a good idea to share your intentions with close family and friends, so they can encourage you … and hold you to account if you slack off and need a kick up the butt! In all seriousness, it’s good to have a reliable support network that you can share your feelings with. They can also provide positive feedback, insights, and solutions. In the Chinese zodiac, 2020 is the Year of the Rat, and the Rat is also the first in the rotation of the 12 zodiac signs, meaning a ‘Rat’ year is a year of renewal. So what are you waiting for?

2) Set goals

Discover your ‘why.’ Think of the people you admire. The ones who want to change the world. Those with meaningful, productive, full lives, are generally goal-setters. The people who settle for an average, small life, with no vision or purpose, don’t. Step inward and dig deep. What is your goal, and why? What is your motivation for it, and how can you achieve it?

While it’s good to have your eye on the prize, rather than hurtling toward it like a bull in a china shop, break the goal down into bite-sized chunks. Ask yourself what you can accomplish today, tomorrow, and so on. That way, your target won’t seem like an insurmountable feat. The goalposts may move, and that’s ok. Overcoming obstacles is part of being resilient, right? Moving goalposts aren’t always bad, because as we learn, grow, and refine our vision, we may well be moving them ourselves to become more resilient and achieve a brighter future.

What comes next? A negotiation coach can help you realize and set your goals and the steps you should be taking to get there, as can my purpose planner.

3) Change the narrative

Think about your inner demons. What/who are they? There’s a saying: ‘He who shouts the loudest gets heard,’ which is right, to a point. Yes, your demons will most definitely be heard, but it doesn’t mean what they are saying is true. Often the voice that shouts the loudest is doing so because they come from a place of insecurity. Sound familiar?

Now, think of the smartest, talented, and professional people you know. Do they shout the loudest? Generally not. A humble, quieter voice, spoken with integrity, truth, and authority, cuts through the shouting much more efficiently.

You have a choice in how you interpret your life’s circumstances. Make the decision right here and now to change the narrative and look at the positives. The positive way you think about your future will help you rewrite your past. I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle: “When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.”

4) Reframe your fear and use it as a source of empowerment

To face your fears and demons, think of various circumstances and situations when you’ve not felt ‘good’ enough, for whatever reason. Instead of focusing on the negatives, try and list 3-5 positives from them. Again, like when goal setting, break your demon or fear into achievable chunks.

If it’s confidence you need, set yourself a task of meeting or calling a certain number of people a day. If you’re scared of getting hurt, ask the people closest to you to list your good points.

A good way of negotiating your fear is to talk about your plans to overcome it out loud. By ‘speaking’ into that fear, you encourage yourself to challenge it. Some people are born to take the initiative. The majority of women think they can’t be bold and step up because of what has been ingrained into them as they grow up. They are told to be seen and not heard. But that’s rubbish.

Perhaps one of your goals is a new job or earning more money. How do you feel about the interview, or asking for a pay rise? Decide what you want to say, write it down and say it out loud. It’s worth doing this not just in the mirror but also in a role-play situation with a friend. Remember why you are negotiating, and what it will bring to your life – more money, work/life balance, flexibility, etc.

Consider working with a negotiation coach who can help you find your voice. They can also guide you to past experiences and help you see any lessons or upsides you may have missed at the time, which will help you ‘flip the switch.’

5) Stop the chatter and ‘monkey mind’ by practicing self-care

Space, tranquility, and honoring thyself is extremely important. It’s that old adage of putting your lifejacket on first before you can take care of others.

Take time out to be kind to yourself at least once a day, whether through mindfulness, meditation, massage, exercise, or reading. If you’re wondering how to do this, think about what you would suggest to a friend who was going through a tough time.

Meditation is great to stop the ‘monkey mind’ and inner demons. The average person’s mind wanders 49.6 percent of the time, so whether you’re a seasoned mediator or a beginner, try and practice daily. There is so much information and help out there – meditation apps, online guides, courses, classes, etc. Research shows that meditation’s health benefits include increased levels of resilience, intelligence, focus, and concentration. And you can also experience lower levels of stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and self-awareness. All you need to do is take a few minutes to meditate every day.

Also, look for opportunities for self-discovery. If you’ve been thinking about signing up for a course, learning a new language, or exploring various hobbies, go for it! Enjoyable activities will also lead to more confidence and knowledge.

If you enjoyed reading this blog, then read all about negotiating yourself a confidence boost.

When you are little girl, you have the values instilled into you that the only way ahead in this life is to embrace masculine traits. You’re brought up to believe you have to squash your feminine side to get ahead. You’re told by your parents: “Be brave, and don’t make a fuss.”

And when you get older and enter the workforce, you are given the same skewed rhetoric. Now you are urged to be ‘manly’ in the workplace, full of bravado and chutzpah. It’s all about ‘aggressive is best.’

I fell for this mantra myself. Working full time as an attorney, I earned the nickname ‘Barracuda’ from my colleagues and clients, wearing it like a badge of honor. After years of unfulfillment and a feeling of burn out, I realized squashing my feminine traits down in favor of being ‘ballsy’ was doing me nothing but damage.

As a professional woman, if you have tried to get ahead or even survive in the workplace, you will have encountered this. You have been surrounded by a sea of men who were leading with ROI and a clinical approach to work. You will have been told: ‘There is no room for emotion in the boardroom.’

So how do you embrace your feminine traits, and use that power you have to negotiate a better and more comfortable working environment? And in a world where many of you are now communicating through a screen, vocabulary and attitude are critical when you can’t use body language.

So what is the answer? Do you attempt to conform to the leadership style that’s been historically rewarded with success? Or do you follow your heart and be true to yourself? Should you be true to your feminine, and bring passion and empathy to your workplace, while putting people at the center?

The answer is you don’t need to fall into the trap many women do. You don’t need to put on a very assertive, almost aggressive mask so you can appear more masculine. There is no doubt that kind of attitude will get you noticed (it worked for me) and get you raised and get you ahead. But it can cause more harm than good. This approach can also drain your energy and make you feel like an impostor. And it will detract from your real gifts as a woman.

So what are your feminine traits? The beauty of being a woman is you have the qualities of collaboration, nurture, and communication. Other assets considered feminine are empathy, caregiving, positive emotions, and intuition. These have long gone unrecognized in traditional workplace culture.

Instead, being direct, competitive, and assertive is what makes waves. But, it’s not about female/male; it’s about feminine/masculine. There are plenty of men out there who embody feminine qualities, and vice versa.

You need to tap into your feminine qualities personally and professionally as a source of power. It will ultimately connect you with your authentic self. You are a creative being and have different gifts that meld beautifully and soften and enhance masculine traits. When you are competitive and overly assertive, you lose these gifts and end up with a weaker result. It can negate your power to negotiate with your inner strength.

Women face unique challenges when it comes to negotiating. First off, you can often be viewed as ‘unlikeable’ when you do it. Women are seen as too demanding and not nice. You also lean towards underestimating your professional value. This is because you have been conditioned to avoid assertiveness, which is essential for a successful negotiation.

However, listening, collaboration, and empathy, which are all essential negotiation traits, aren’t in conflict with how you are supposed to behave as a woman. They can help you negotiate with empathy and help avoid adverse outcomes.

When you use your masculine traits and adopt competitive, assertive energy, you are losing out on a much more powerful force inside you? If you stay in your feminine power and competing in a ‘man’s world’, you keep integrity with yourself. And you create irreversible change with everyone you work with.

Your feminine traits can help you re-sign clients and build a community in your workplace. Leaning into your feminine qualities of emotional connection, compassion, and sensitivity, those around you will see you as a thought leader with strength. They make you appear strong and enhance trust. It IS possible to project confidence, power, and authority while staying true to your feminine traits.

You are your most real authentic self. Femininity is about embracing your ability to be vulnerable. And it’s about acknowledging other people’s strengths and helping them use them to benefit everyone in your business. So often, these qualities are lacking in business, and management teams are desperate for it! By encouraging this dynamic, you will have happier employees and a more productive workforce.

5 Ways You Can Use Your Feminine Traits To Negotiate

Here are some traditionally ‘feminine’ traits that can be your superpowers in life and the workplace, and help you negotiate a better environment.

Intuition

Intuition has long been ignored in the workplace in favor of data and facts. But did you know women have an intangible and heightened sensory ability because you use your senses to pick up on other things men may miss? This can be a critical factor in your ability to negotiate. There is such a think ag as ‘women’s intuition.

You will often do this without realizing it. According to research, in general, women are better than men at reading facial expressions. They can pick up on more subtle emotional messages.

It would help if you had intuition AND hard data and facts to assist your performance in the workplace. Or in life in general. The combination enables you to be innovative and successful.

This can be particularly helpful when it comes to what you say. If men and women use the same language when they ask for a raise, a woman is seen as too aggressive unless they demonstrate some kind of warmth or smile. You can restore your ‘warmth’ through a ‘bid for connection.’

This can include:

Asking questions

Listening

Creating an outcome which is beneficial to both of you

Making jokes

Smiling and nodding (but not too much)

If you are a kind and friendly person, you will do this anyway!

Caregiving

Today the best leaders are caregivers. The reason this has always been associated as a feminine quality is that it’s associated with mothering.

But if you are a caregiver in the workplace or life, you nurture talent, encourage your team, and allow people to be open with you. You offer support. And you inspire. And using this mindset when you are negotiating will always bring positive results. If you come from the point of care, you demonstrate you have values, ethics, and passion.

Empathy

There is nothing wrong with caring about what happens to people you work with. Now more than ever, in this time of uncertainty, it’s essential to be concerned with others’ futures. If you are negotiating, you can use this trait to your benefit. You will make people feel heard and understood, and they will connect with you o a human level.

If you know someone else’s goals, fears, aspirations, passions, insecurities, and securities, who has the power? You do, of course. And you also have the potential to do good. You can help someone find their strengths and overcome their barriers. Then they can make an impact that is authentic to them and of value your business.”

Collaboration

A masculine approach is very much ‘I,’ whereas women tend to say ‘we.’ That’s because you realize that the power of a team is diversity. Collaboration is crucial, and the best teams have different kinds of skills and thought leadership at the table. How boring and uncreative would your team be if everyone was the same? And when you collaborate and take on and understand other’s traits, you can come from a position of strength. You can embrace collaboration even when negotiating to get to the result you want.

Cultivating Positive Emotions

Showing emotional intelligence and positive emotions increase someone’s willingness to work with you. And that means they are more open to negotiating with you.

People in positive moods prefer collaboration over competition. By cultivating positive spirits, you can assert your needs and make the other person feel you are doing everything you can to consider theirs.

By demonstrating emotional intelligence on this level, you can also boost your confidence. And you can negotiate better and give someone else greater self-assurance, especially in stressful situations.

Your increased confidence may also reduce your anxiety, which women experience to a greater degree than men when negotiating. Thus you will have a better understanding of other people’s needs and interests, making it easier to find an integrative solution.

There is no doubt it can be difficult sometimes to stay true to your feminine and be successful. But if you can embrace and stand in your power, you will be so much better for it. And, you will be more than surprised by the impact it can have on your life.

If you liked this blog post, check out how to negotiate from worry to empowerment.

Women have been conditioned for centuries to believe womanhood is associated with being over-emotional, over-sensitive, and powerless.

But in fact, your femininity is an ocean of power and magical energy you can utilize. And if you learn how to release and harness that gift, you will be a force to be reckoned with!

In the ’80s, there was a very definite trend toward short haircuts and power suits. The only way you could get ahead was to walk like a man and talk like a man. But while we were on the road to becoming equals, it was at the expense of being a true woman.

Femininity is a term many women feel uncomfortable to use these days, simply because we think it doesn’t sit well with our battle for equal rights. It’s considered a dumbing down of the cause when we focus on the differences between men and women. It emphasizes the differences.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. To shun our femininity is to reject our very essence of nature.

What Is Feminine Energy?

Harnessing your feminine energy potential can do wonders for your negotiation skills in every area of your life. But before you can do that, you need to know, what exactly IS your feminine energy? And how do you know if you are missing out on a source of strength that’s your birthright? As a side note, it’s imperative to stress this concept is not associated with gender. It’s more to do with a specific set of traits.

In our society, masculine traits tend to be valued more than feminine.

But this focus has left us feeling overworked, with little time for ourselves, and we are essentially off-balance.

Masculine energy is associated with independence, aggression, competitiveness, drive, confidence, and arrogance. Feminine energy traits are affiliated with nurturing, love, receptivity, compassion, and care. You have an innate ability to receive, which is crucial to ‘being.’

This allows you to be receptive and open to being filled. And it’s this ‘being’ energy that is the polar opposite of masculine energy, which revolves around ‘doing.’

For example, your feminine side is expressed through creativity, and moving through the flow of your life, as well as in dance and play.

Your masculine side is expressed when you harness your drive to achieve something. You are striving for a goal. Feminine energy can often feel very incongruous when you’re used to pushing forward in every area of your life 24/7.

The Pressure Women Face to Draw on Masculine Energy

Women are told they have to achieve more, hustle like never before, and pursue their dreams with a zeal like their life depended on it. This is, at the same time, a blessing and a curse. You are listening to the sound of a drum forcing you to relentlessly march to a specific beat. You are told you should have your own business or a successful career by the end of your 20’s. And you are supposed to do all of this, while considering having a family, or managing young children, and holding down a steady relationship. Then there is the relentless pressure to look and dress as if you aren’t aging a day over 30.

Our ability to ‘have it all’ is a double-edged sword. To maintain this drive, you have to harness your masculine energy at the expense of your feminine. And it will leave you feeling out of kilter. So how can you get yourself back on an even keel?

5 Tactics You Can Use to Tap into Your Feminine Energy

Reflect on Yourself

Taking even a mere millisecond out of your day to listen to what is going on inside you, can bring you back to your center. Our lives are so busy, and we are continuously forced to be outgoing, as well as push forward on every level. There’s that masculine energy coming to the fore again. This leads to estrangement and a loss of connection deep within.

By reflecting on who and what you are, you can gain insight. Exploring and examining your inner being enables you to move forward. What motivated you in the past? Why did you make those decisions?

Philosopher John Dewey described reflection as a “dynamic and intentional process that profoundly influences one’s experiences.”

Ways you can reflect include writing down how you reacted to specific situations and detailing how they shaped your life. You can also use therapy to reflect and discuss how events have impacted your ‘now.’

Ask and You Shall Receive

Women, by their very nature, can receive and give back more than men. If you receive love, you can return it tenfold. And woe betides if you are crossed. Your anger will be amplified towards the person who hurt or betrayed you.

The issue for women is when you have a problem with receiving, it’s usually associated with the feeling you aren’t good enough. Or you have low self-esteem. Your feminine power to receive means if you ask for more, you will receive more. If you are struggling with this, you need to ask yourself:

*Why am I having a problem with receiving?

*What does my ability to receive mean in the context of my life?

*Is there something in my past which has stopped me from feeling worthy of receiving now?

*Was there an occasion where I felt I was manipulated after receiving something?

There is nothing wrong with asking for favors and support when you need it. And there is nothing wrong with receiving a compliment. Embrace it!

Enjoy receiving from mother nature as well. By standing on grass for five minutes, or just touching a tree, you can receive the beauty of the world around you. This will put you in a more positive and calmer mindset.

Get Creative

Your feminine energy craves personal creativity because it’s a creative force. Dancing is a great way to get yourself into this zone. All you need to do is put on your favorite song, take a few deep breaths, shut your eyes, and then dance with wild abandon! How does this feel in your body? How does this feel in your head? Use the music to translate your feelings.

Painting, pottery, writing, crochet; any form of creation will enable you to tap into your feminine energy. You will feel a sense of freedom and relaxation as you do so. It’s all about expressing your flow. Women were physically designed to create new life. Harnessing your inner creativity is a way of allowing that inner energy you have to burst forth.

Activate and Allow Your Playful Side

If you are joyful and positive, you will be lighter and more adept at tackling anything the world throws at you. Our lives today are lived at a million miles an hour, and we juggle a multitude of projects and tasks.

Downtime and connection have taken second place to getting things done. If you prioritize relaxation in your life, even for just five minutes a day, you will connect to that feminine energy. You can read a book, do some yoga or meditate. Allow for ‘playtime’ in your life. It shouldn’t just be about the tasks at hand. If you can, give yourself a ‘free day’ when you just go with the moment.

Embrace Transformation

Feminine energy enables you to transform. If you are stagnating, then you feel uninspired, tired, and overworked, personally and professionally.

Allow your inner power to come through and make the changes you need to move on to a better place in your life. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something if it isn’t working for you. There is a lot to be said for familiarity breeds contempt. While feminine energy is often associated with quiet rejuvenation, it can also be bold and forceful.

Change is sometimes painful, but it’s necessary to move to the point of regrowth. That’s when the real creativity can happen.

Do You Believe You Are Living in a Man’s World?

There is a lot to be said for ditching the phrase ‘living in a man’s world.’ If you believe that we are in a society dominated by patriarchy that will become a reality in your own life. By acknowledging that, you are adding more fuel to the fire. When you look around you, you will only see men in high positions, women being subjugated, and the social dynamic dominated by males. You will be blinded by the fewer opportunities, the fairer sex, (that’s you) have at their disposal and the disparities in that. And when you look on social media, all you will see is negative posts. Instead, look at the ‘man’s world’ and view it as an opportunity to breakthrough. You need to train yourself NOT to buy into those myths and instead incant and train your brain to think the opposite (i.e. what you desire). Yes, there are challenges, but at no other time in our culture have the prospects been as good for the rise of the feminine and for women to get what they want.

If you want something and pursue your passion and purpose, you will empower yourself. Women have more rights than ever before. We now manage businesses, achieve our dreams, have children, and look after the home. We’re even running countries and being praised for our approach.

A great example of this is Jacinda Ardern, the Prime minister of New Zealand. She not only smashed the coronavirus with her lockdown measures but gave a TV briefing during an earthquake and didn’t even flinch! She also had a baby while in office (the second leader of a country worldwide to do so) and went back to work six weeks later. In fact, with role models like that, some of you would say we are almost setting the bar too high!

Your feminine energy is always there, even if you aren’t aware of it. You have compassion, creativity, and intuition at the core of your being. Reawaken your ability to be sensitive, tender, and nurturing. It will make you unstoppable.

If you liked this blog post, then check out my post on How to Negotiate Sacred Feminine Rage and Harness the Power of Women.

Today, I wanted to share a simple system that I hope you’ll find really helpful in these times.

One element of my Art of Feminine Negotiation program is my A.R.E. F.I.T model. It struck me recently how this model can help you negotiate during these times to show up as your best self and help navigate to make this process easier for yourself and for those that you love.

For those who aren’t familiar with my A.R.E. F.I.T. system, it’s a really simple mnemonic I created to help you remember the concept. Just think, you ARE FIT to negotiate these different times.

A = assertive, R = rapport building, E = empathy, F = flexibility, I = intuition and T = trust.

These six skill-sets are key game changers. While the model is the foundation for all great negotiations, I want to share today how you can apply it to negotiate with yourself through this COVID situation.

A: Get ASSERTIVE with yourself. What do I mean by that? I’m inviting you to consider your mindset with real intention and to recognize it is a choice. I invite you to get assertive with yourself about where your focus goes. Focus on the beautiful gifts that abound out there. Focus on things that you can be grateful for now, in this moment. Focus on the impact you’re having on others. If you’re posting doom and gloom messages on social media right now, just pause and ask yourself, ‘will this best serve me and does this best serve others right now’? Maybe, instead, be intentional to share messages of hope and possibility. Be the light that shines in the darkness, rather than the person who chooses to help perpetuate fear. Be assertive with yourself around perspective. Elevate your perspective. Rather than staying locked down in a place of fear, lift yourself up and get a higher perspective. Also seek perspective of comparing where you’ve been to where you are now and where you want to be at the end of this. That’s a really empowering perspective shift that you get to control. That is a choice you can make.

R: How do you build RAPPORT with yourself? I’m glad you asked. Love yourself unconditionally, always, but especially in these times. Be self-centered. And by that, I don’t mean be selfish. I mean center yourself, ground yourself, let yourself be self-centered. Fall madly, deeply, truly in love with yourself, because otherwise, how can you show up as the best version of yourself? How can you have the most impact on others if you’re not coming from a place where you love yourself unconditionally?

E: Have EMPATHY for yourself. When I talk about being assertive with yourself and your mindset choices, I’m not saying it’s easy. Do I fall off the wagon and not show up as my best self? Oh my gosh, yes! Have I had days since this started when I want to curl up in a ball and just feel overwhelmed with everything pushing in? Absolutely! Give yourself empathy. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to be perfectly imperfect in your humanity. You are going to have moments when you succumb to fear. You’re going to have moments when you probably aren’t your highest self. That’s okay. We’re all human. We are all perfectly imperfect. Just choose not to stay there. Choose to let yourself make better choices next time.

F: Let’s face it, we’re all being forced to be a little FLEXIBLE during this time. What if you let go of the old paradigms and see this ‘new normal’ as a potential gift, not something to be terrified of? Think about the opportunity this presents, with pollution counts down and the chance to see Mother Earth in reprieve, to be able to breathe and take a moment to pause. What a beautiful gift. What if we see this new paradigm shift as an opportunity for us to examine how we’ve been living our lives and getting to make new choices about how we want to go forward? How beautiful is that? Think of yourself as a caterpillar, forced in this quasi cocoon right now with the opportunity to come out with a gorgeous metamorphosis. So be flexible to new ways of being right now and think how you can make that work for you. What a beautiful gift and paradigm shift that simple mindset shift is.

I: As always, and especially in these times, I invite you to trust your INTUITION. You’re no doubt getting information pressing in on us from all sides. It’s easy to let yourself drown in it. Inform yourself, by all means … and … I invite you to reconsider whether you want to stay tied to your TV or news. Check in, find out what you need to know today to keep yourself safe, but don’t obsess about it. Don’t let yourself stay in that dark place. Choose to find more positive perspectives. They’re popping up everywhere if you choose to look for them. Trust your intuition to guide you as to what’s relevant and resonant for you. Make sure you’re being smart about questioning the information you’re getting, and at the end, trust your intuition about what works for you and the people that you love and care about.

T: Speaking of TRUST, I invite you to trust, in your core, that you’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Trust in your ability to make the decisions you need to make for you and the people that you love. Trust in that, and in the universe as well.

In summary, get assertive with yourself around your mindset choices. Build rapport and love yourself unconditionally. Have empathy for yourself. Forgive yourself and give yourself permission to be imperfectly perfectly human. Be flexible about this new paradigm shift, embrace it, and look at it as an opportunity. Trust your intuition. Inform yourself, but ultimately trust what’s right for you and trust that this is all going to be okay and that you’re okay.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Go forward and shine. Be that light that shines in the darkness.

Let’s continue on your journey to negotiate your personal confidence boost. If you missed Parts I and II make sure to check them out. After all, confidence is key in negotiation and since all of life is a negotiation of sorts, it’s an important skill to foster. Yes, I said foster. Luckily, you can still build confidence even if you’ve always felt you lacked it. Last week I shared some concrete tips, tools and exercises to empower you to boost your confidence. Today, I thought I’d add to that arsenal. We all learn differently, so the more options and tools in your kit, the more likely you’ll find one that works for you to get the job done.

In Part I we talked about the confidence/competence loop and the four levels of mastery in life. We touched on the fact that the Conscious Incompetence phase (i.e. that stage where you become aware of your incompetence in any given area of your life) was the most destructive and caused the most angst. The problem is that many of us stay stuck in this phase and let it define us. It’s important to note that we all go through each level of mastery over and over again throughout our lives.

We are unconsciously incompetent in any number of subject areas and remain so in some areas until our dying breath. This is as it’s meant to be. We can’t all be fully competent in every area of all there is to learn in this world. For example, I will never likely be consciously competent in extreme quantum physics principles and in fact, I won’t even be consciously incompetent as I don’t know enough about the concept to even know what I don’t know. And I’m okay with that.

The next level, conscious incompetence, is key in that it’s how you get to make decisions to learn, to grow, to elevate to the next levels. If you’re afraid of failing and refuse to step outside your comfort zone you risk staying stuck here. See this phase as a gift – an opportunity to develop into a better version of you, with intention. As you learn and experience, you start to develop competencies without even realizing it (unconscious competence) until you ultimately achieve conscious competence.

Conscious competence is the phase where most people develop confidence. As you become aware of your competence in a particular area, you acquire confidence in that area. This confidence then gives you the courage to do more and so you get even more competence which in turn increases your confidence and so on.

However, sadly, we tend to beat ourselves up over our perceived errors or failures and are less likely to celebrate our successes. As a result, there is more emotional intensity around these so-called failures. This is a problem as your brain remembers events accompanied by strong emotions. And so, you can become stuck in the conscious incompetence mode as you allow your identity to be tied to these failures and become paralyzed to step outside your comfort zone and attempt to develop the skills to take you to the next level. This is a shame as the reality is that we have infinitely more successes in life than failure, yet we don’t train ourselves to recognize them.

One way we keep ourselves stuck is through the self-talk loop. When you allow that inner critic to whisper in your ear, you train your brain to believe the toxic bashing and it builds a negative self-image. Not surprisingly, this negative self-image negatively affects your performance. This, of course, leads to more negative nattering from your inner critic which in turn tanks your self-image which continues to sabotage your performance. This is so as your brain is hard-wired to try to give you what it thinks you want. As you beat yourself up (in ways that you would likely never contemplate doing to another human) your brain believes you want examples of how you’re a colossal mess-up and so it sets out to find them for you.

The good news is that the opposite is also true. You can train your brain to look for examples of how exceptional you are … and it will find those examples for you. Now wouldn’t that be a more productive use of your brain’s time?

How can you do that, you ask? It’s simpler than you may think. Change your focus, change your life. If you focus on the reality you desire, your brain will start to look for solutions to create that reality. You create that focus in your thinking, in your language and in your writing.

Visualizations:

One simple practice to help direct your focus is through visualizations. Allow yourself to visualize the future you desire as if you already have it. Be very specific. Allow yourself to see it, feel it, smell it, touch it and taste it. Close your eyes and imagine that future in all its glorious detail. See it in present tense. In other words, don’t think about wishing for it. This isn’t an aspirational exercise or a ‘one day’ exercise. See yourself already there, living into it. See it as an unshakable reality.

Incantations:

A level up from visualizations is incantations. This is also a simple practice once you get the hang of it. I say it’s a ‘level up’ as I find incantations more potent because you’re invoking your focus, body and language. Again, it involves seeing yourself already where you desire to be. However, you add your voice and body to the practice.

Create a powerful ‘I am’ statement that reflects the life you intend to live into. Again, as for your visualizations, it’s important to make your incantations present tense – not aspirational. Be sure to frame your incantation for what you DO seek, not what you seek to avoid. Remember to focus on calling what you seek. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll attract more of it to your life. Again, specificity is key. Be brief. You need to absorb this statement and be able to easily repeat it so keep it simple enough to do that. Ideally, attach an emotion to your incantation. If you’re calling for something specific and tangible, be sure to always add ‘or something better’ so as not to limit yourself.

To change this from a simple affirmation to an incantation, ideally stand up, vocalize it out loud several times, with strong intention (like a spell or chant), emphasizing a different key word each time (i.e. put the emphasis on the “I” the first time, on the “am” the second and so on as you repeat it each time) and add your body. Attach some action to anchor the incantation into your body and mind. Maybe press your hand against your heart with each repetition, or squeeze your fist, etc.

Do this every day, a minimum of twice a day, once in the morning as part of your a.m. routine to set yourself up for the day, and again at bedtime so your brain can further process it and absorb it into your psyche as you sleep.

For extra points, write down your incantation every day as well to further imprint it upon your brain.

These simple practices will kickstart the retraining process for your brain. As you train your brain to focus on the infinite possibility and potential in your life instead of on what could go wrong, your brain will start to accept that as your new reality and work to find solutions to make it come to fruition. This will improve your confidence, which as we discussed earlier, will in turn increase your competence and you’ll be in the success loop spiralling ever upward. And with that growing unshakable confidence you’ll become more resilient and creative to handle any adversity that comes your way.

Stay tuned next week for our final installment in this series. Have I convinced you yet to decide today to build your confidence? To choose to recognize and believe that you have the competence to learn and discover anything you set your mind to? If not, ask yourself, ‘what am I waiting for?’

Do you periodically suffer from a crisis of confidence? If so, you’ve come to the right place. In Part I of this four-part series I asked you to rate your confidence on a scale of 1-10 and noted that most women rate themselves lower than men. We discussed why this is a serious problem and celebrated the good news that if you lack confidence, it’s not too late as you can build it. I promised that in this part I would share concrete tips, tools and exercises that will empower you to negotiate your own personal confidence boost. Because all of life is a negotiation and the most important one starts with you.

Are you ready to dive in? Here goes:

Step 1: Love On Yourself

When is the last time you loved on yourself? Or truly celebrated your successes? If you’re like most women, I bet you beat yourself up about your so-called failures, but rarely give yourself credit for your successes.

How can you expect to show up with confidence if you continue to trash-talk yourself and undermine your own self-esteem?

The reality is that we have more successes than failure, but we attach more emotional intensity to our perceived failures and so they tend to stick more.

Here’s a couple quick exercises to start retraining your brain to love yourself more. In doing that you’ll increase your self-esteem and with it your confidence.

I         Brag List

Start by listing 25 things you love about yourself. I invite you to start your own personal Brag List. That’s right. I want you to brag on yourself. List as many positive attributes as you can think of about yourself. Don’t be shy. Don’t worry about being cocky. List your assets – physical, mental, attitude. Things you’re good at. Things you’ve accomplished. Nice things other people have said about you. Or how about nice things people could or should say about you?  List them all. Keep going until your hand gets tired. Then take a break and list some more!

II       Mirror Exercise

We all need acknowledgement. Here’s a simple exercise to help give yourself that acknowledgment daily. I say it’s simple. And it should be. I’ll caution you though that we’re taught NOT to acknowledge our self like this so it will be unfamiliar. And because of that, it will feel strange at first. You may have an emotional reaction … and that’s perfectly okay.

Before bed each night, look in the mirror and appreciate yourself for everything you accomplished that day.

• Start with a few seconds of connection by looking directly into your eyes
• Be sure to really recognize yourself by addressing yourself by name.
• Acknowledge yourself out loud for all the things you accomplished that day. These don’t have to be earth-shaking accomplishments. It can be a simple promise to yourself that you kept or completing a task that’s been hanging over your head or something kind that you did for another. Acknowledge everything and anything you can be proud about.
• Make sure to maintain eye contact (even if it feels awkward).
• Say “I Love You”. Yes, that’s right. Tell yourself that you love you. We don’t do this often          enough.
• Let yourself stand strong and really allow yourself to feel the impact. When you’re done, I invite you not to turn away feeling embarrassed – let yourself feel it, even the discomfort.

Do this every evening for a full month minimum. Allow the time to retrain your brain, to let it absorb that you are loved … unconditionally.

Step 2: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Your brain tries to keep you safe. However well-intentioned it may be, it does you a disservice when it encourages you to stay stuck in your comfort zone. If you get in your car and realize that the emergency brake is on as you head onto the highway, would you keep driving with the brake on? Of course not. And yet, I bet you travel through this thing called life with your psychological emergency brake on every day.

Or think of it like a governor, those devices that limit the speed at which a vehicle can travel. We put one on the kids’ snowmobile when they were younger so the boys couldn’t go at warp speed before their skill caught up to their cockiness. Is that any way to go through life as a grown woman? Do you want to live your life with a permanent governor attached to hold you back when you start gaining speed?

It’s as if we each have a built-in thermostat set to our own personal comfort zone. As we start to succeed in life, or take bigger risks, or find our self beyond our expectations, that thermostat sends a signal to our brain to quit firing on all cylinders, to ‘drop the temperature’ back into our comfortable range.

The only way to change that pattern is to reset the thermostat. You do that by getting outside your comfort zone to create new tolerances and expectations.

I remember growing up, our idea of a 5-star vacation was the local Hav-A-Nap motel down the street. As I got older and started travelling for work, I got a taste of the Holiday Inn and thought that was high living. Then as I attended glitzy conventions, I got a taste of the Ritz Carlton. As my tolerances and expectations got higher, my thermostat increased. I grew beyond the Hav-A-Nap motel only by getting beyond my preconceived bars.

Think of your comfort zone as a self-constructed prison, built on words like ‘can’t, should, need to, have to, ought to, must not’ … you get the idea. Why not flip your script and in so doing flip your mindset from one of doubt and limitation to one of confidence and possibility?

Remember that circus elephants are trained by getting tied to a peg with a simple rope. This rope holds them back as babies. They strain against the rope but can’t break it. Later in life, when their strength far outstrips the potential of that tiny rope to hold them back, they don’t even try to break it. They’ve given up, based on limiting beliefs that no longer hold true.

Will you continue to show up as that baby elephant, held back by a puny rope, or are you ready to recognize that you’re stronger than that rope?

Stay tuned next week for more simple and powerful exercises and tips to build confidence.

If I asked you to rate your confidence on a scale of 1 – 10, what score would you give yourself? If you’re a woman, chances are you scored yourself lower than your male counterparts. In fact, studies suggest that women, even at the highest levels of achievement, consistently suffer from lack of confidence. Women underestimate their abilities and performance while men tend to overestimate theirs. To state the obvious, this is a problem. Perhaps less obvious is the fact that this problem rears its head and ugly impact on multiple levels. The good news though is that if you lack confidence, it’s not too late. Contrary to popular belief, confidence is not some nebulous thing you’re either born with or not. You can build confidence. In fact, you can start today.

Confidence is key to success in life. Those with confidence typically get more. They get advanced in their careers more quickly, they make more money, they get more recognition. This of course gives them even more confidence which further escalates their upward progression in a self-feeding loop. The opposite is also true. Those lacking in confidence are less likely to get promoted, recognized or rewarded (economically or otherwise). Not surprisingly, this further attacks their confidence which spirals in a self-perpetuating downward loop.

These spirals aren’t surprising when you consider that people with confidence are more likely to take chances in life. The more shots you take, the more likely you are to score. As you try more, you gain more competence. This competence breeds confidence. That confidence gives you the courage to take more chances, which in turns breeds more competence and so on. This is known as the confidence/competence loop.

There are four levels of mastery in life:

• Unconscious incompetence
• Conscious incompetence
• Unconscious competence
• Conscious competence

These levels show up in the natural cycles of life i.e. as we advance from helpless infants at birth to independent adults to potentially helpless elders at death. They also show up within each stage of life as we try new things and grow … or don’t!

What does each level mean? Let’s break it down into bite sizes.

Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what you don’t know.

As an infant, you’re unconscious of your incompetence. You strive to achieve your next development markers (crawling, walking, feeding yourself, talking) without conscious thought about your lack of skill in these areas. This continues to be true throughout your life. You’re not aware you can’t spell until you develop some basic understanding of the concept. Later in life, you’re likely unconsciously incompetent in any number of areas, ranging from nuclear physics to complex (or not so complex) computer programming. Heck, until I founded Women On Purpose, I was blithely unconsciously incompetent about funnels, CRM systems and a multitude of other social media promotion necessities in today’s world.

Conscious Incompetence: This stage causes the most angst. (Think teen years)

As you get a little older, you become conscious of your incompetence. You may judge yourself when you spill the milk, or can’t cut your food, or are unable to perform certain physical feats. As teens or adults, it can create insecurity and make us afraid to try new things. Many people quit initiatives when they hit this stage, hating the feeling of incompetence as it triggers fear of failure. Can you think of a time when you quit for this reason? Or maybe you didn’t even try to develop a new competence? It can also trigger fear of success for many. It causes us to ask our self what else will I have to know? Will I be up for the task?

Unconscious Competence: Gaining competence through osmosis

As you grow, you start to develop competence in countless ways, without being conscious of your development in each of these areas. As you experience and do, you learn and develop competency.

Conscious Competence: Confidence starts here.

At some point you start to become aware of your competence in certain areas and to develop it with intention.

Think of this confidence/competence loop an infinity symbol (a sideways number 8). As you gain competence in any given skill or area of your life, you gain confidence. And with that confidence comes the courage to develop even more skill and so your competence increases, spiralling ever upward.

Another way to think of confidence building is as a 4-step process. Call it the 4 C’s of Confidence if you will.

Step 1: Courage

Every time you try something new you walk through a metaphorical door, not knowing what’s on the other side of that door. That takes courage. Raising your hand in class or at a board meeting or parent-council meeting takes courage. We all have courage in us. Tapping into your purpose and deeper ‘why’ can help you find your courage to take action.

Step 2: Commitment

Have you ever really succeeded at something you weren’t committed to? Chances are, the answer to that question is a resounding ‘no’. To succeed usually requires commitment to a course of action. To truly develop competence and confidence you’ll need to commit to stay the course.

Step 3: Capabilities

I said that success requires commitment to stay the course. What course is that? Usually it’s determining what skills you need to get where you want to go. Ask yourself what capabilities you need to develop to achieve your desired outcome or end goal.

Step 4: Confidence

If you align the first three steps with a particular goal or vision in mind that you want to achieve, your competence, and with it your confidence will take off.

I said at the outset of this article that you don’t need to worry if you don’t have confidence yet. It’s not a gene you’re missing. Just because you may not have shown up with confidence you’d like before today doesn’t mean you missed the golden ticket. The confidence window isn’t time-stamped and pre-programmed to slam shut.

What if you decided today to build your confidence? What if you chose to recognize and believe that you have the competence to learn and discover anything you set your mind to? Imagine the power in that simple decision.

Are you ready to make that choice now? If so, stay tuned for next week’s installment as I share concrete tips, tools and exercises that will empower you to negotiate your own personal confidence boost. All of life is a negotiation and the most important one starts with you.