If you’re like most people, you probably think that dominating the conversation in a negotiation is a sign you’re ‘winning’. I’d like to invite you to consider that the opposite is true. Allow me to reframe negotiation altogether. Instead of approaching from a win/lose competitive mindset, what if I suggested you could get better results through a collaborative approach? Sounds crazy, right? Well, hold your hat, there’s more.

A few weeks back I did an article on the importance of Active Listening to become a more effective negotiator. I’d like to kick that concept up a notch and introduce you to the secret sauce of listening … a process I call Elevated Active Listening. The process itself is very simple, but unfortunately most people resist as it seems counter-intuitive.

Those who know me, have no doubt already heard that in my law practice, clients called me the Barracuda. They meant it as a high compliment. I used to buy into the myth that negotiation was about toughness … especially in trial advocacy. It took me many years to come back to myself and recognize the power in my innate strengths and feminine traits. Primary among those was the powerful impact of invoking empathy with intention in negotiations.

One of the shortest paths to empathy is truly listening to what people have to say. Listening with a view to understand and try to meet the other party’s needs. Understanding and sharing someone’s perspectives doesn’t always come easy, especially when a relationship may be contentious. But making that effort will always outweigh missing the opportunity to build on your relationship with the other person(s).

The late Dr. Stephan R. Covey remarks in his audio version of The 8^th Habit From Effectiveness to Greatness that most people have been exposed to massive learning time in the fields of reading, writing, and speaking. However, less than 2% of the population have had more than a couple of weeks of listening skill development. And so, it’s not surprising that so many communications break down.

Covey is oft-quoted for his observation that:

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.

And it’s true. We have two ears and one mouth, yet we use the twin receptors much less than our squawk box. Why is that…unconscious ego? Perhaps.

I recommend you begin to monitor yourself the next time you have a conversation with someone. Who’s doing the talking? Are you truly listening? People like to hear their own voice and wish to be heard and valued. Self-validation is an unconscious reaction, much like the “flight or fight” response. It must be managed with intention.

If we can place ourselves firmly in the shoes of another, understand their inner motivation, relate to their needs, and together identify a shared solution that is better than has been considered, the barriers of competition evaporate. The path to this result is through elevated active listening.

So what is elevated active listening? Let’s take a brief step back and consider passive and active listening generally.

Passive listening involves giving your undivided and undistracted attention to the other person, paying attention to both the words the speaker uses and doesn’t use. It’s important to remain open to new ideas and perspectives, reserve judgment, and devote your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting back what someone is saying to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening. This is an important skill as it allows the other party to feel heard, and it also affords the opportunity for clarification if we’ve in fact misperceived the other person’s point (which happens often as studies show that our human perspectives of others’ positions are often erroneous).

And now for the secret sauce. Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you reflect and replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it (as noted above in active listening), be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently and persuasively than they did themselves.

I recognize this may seem counter intuitive. Why would we help the other ‘side’ by making their argument better? I invite you to consider that that mindset comes from a conditioned perception of negotiation as a competition. Dare I say, it comes from a scarcity mindset. In fact, by contrast, when you approach negotiations from a collaborative, abundance mindset, you’re more likely to get better, more creative outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements and more positive impact.

Reflecting back someone’s position in a way that is even more flattering than they articulated themselves can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes. When I’ve adopted this approach in negotiations, I’ve seen a physical softening of the other side, a relaxing of the muscles, and a letting go of defensive postures. Invariably, it also results in triggering reciprocity wherein the other side rises to match the generosity and to better reflect back your position.

From this place, it is possible to come up with creative, unanticipated solutions in a way that would not arise from a place of one-upmanship or competition. Superior negotiation should conclude with an alternative that is better than had been considered by either party. In my view, this is rarely possible from an adversarial inward-focused stance but is regularly achievable when invoking elevated active listening.

Give it a try. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Some negotiations are harder than others. And some may seem downright impossible.

Have you ever been in one of these so-called unwinnable negotiations? As a female lawyer who practiced social justice law for 30 years, I’ve had my fair share of people telling me I can’t win certain negotiations. And you know what? I proved them wrong. In fact I won many purportedly unwinnable precedent-setting cases, even though I was told it was impossible. They weren’t impossible; they’d simply never been done before.

So how did I do it? Read on to find some tips to win so-called unwinnable negotiations.

Understand why you think the negotiation is unwinnable

There has to be some reason why you think you can’t win a negotiation. Maybe you’re a new negotiator. Or maybe you’ve negotiated with this person (or group) before and lost. Or, worse yet, maybe this person’s track record is impeccable, and they have never lost a case. Maybe the power imbalance seems impassable. Whatever the reason, it’s important that you understand the Why behind your negative thoughts about this negotiation.

Once you understand the rationale behind your belief that you can’t succeed, then it’s easier to bust that myth. Identify the soundtrack playing at the back of your mind and get intentional about challenging and flipping that story. Look at the assumptions that underlay the belief and question them. Ask yourself if they’re really true. Consider examples that debunk the story. What would the opposite of the negative story be? Flip your story to flip your life.

For instance, if you believe you can’t win a negotiation because you are a new negotiator and you have “no hope” of winning against a seasoned counterpart, understand that you negotiate every day of your life and you don’t even realize it. If you have ever convinced anybody (whether it’s your kids, significant other, or parents) to do anything, then you have negotiation skills. Negotiation is about influence and persuasion. See my post on how you’re likely using the key skills that make and mark the most effective negotiators everyday in a myriad of ways.

Face Your Fears

We all have fears that can drive us if left unchecked. What’s your favorite fear poison? A few of the top hits are: Fear of failure; fear of rejection; fear of being judged; fear of ‘no’; fear of the unknown; fear of missing out; and even fear of success. Fear will tank your confidence, which in turn will you’re your credibility and persuasiveness. The words we say are only one part of our communications in bargaining. When we approach negotiations with fear, we undermine our effectiveness (both internally and externally) before we even get a chance to convey our message.

Recognizing your fears and the impact is a key first step to letting them go … or being able to use them to propel you to the next level. Check out my free book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating  to help to master this process.

Go into the negotiation with confidence 

If you go into any negotiation thinking it is unwinnable then you are more likely to lose the negotiation. Studies consistently show that higher aspiration and expectation levels result in better outcomes in negotiation. Which is why, no matter what, you need to walk into that room with your head held high. If you need to do a few breathing exercises or jumping jacks or positive self-talk mixed with your favorite power pose before you enter the negotiation, then go ahead.

The aphorism ‘Fake It Until You Make It’ advocates imitating confidence, competence and optimism. I’ve also heard ‘Face It Until You Make It’. I prefer ‘Feel It Until You Become It’. So, even if you don’t feel confident, act like you are. If you walk into that negotiation a bundle of nerves the other side will see it and can easily use that against you. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. You can do that.

Get training. 

With social media being what it is there are loads of free resources on how to negotiate.

Are you a visual learner? Love it or hate it YouTube is a great resource! The Women On Purpose YouTube channel was recently relaunched and new content is being posted at least once a week.

Are you more of an auditory learner? There are loads of podcasts available to help you negotiate! Women On Purpose’s podcast, HERsuasion: the Art of Feminine Negotiation™, for example, has over 60 episodes on how to win negotiations.

Maybe you learn better by reading or writing. There are loads of blogs and articles on the topic of negotiations (in fact you are reading one right now). As you are aware Women On Purpose has a weekly blog on elements of negotiation ranging from mindset and inner work to practical easy-to-implement tools and strategies to increase your ability to influence and persuade. We also have 5 FREE eBooks about negotiating that you can download and read at your leisure.

If you want to invest in your upcoming negotiations there are even more resources. Some of those resources include taking a course on negotiations. As of this publication the Women On Purpose academy has 5 online courses on negotiation that you can sign up for right now, and more in the works. If you want a more intimate training join a one-on-one coaching experience with a trainer. Being an attorney for 30 years, I created the Women On Purpose Mastermind, a 3–month immersive training one-on-one with me! Book your free Discovery Session with me to see if you would be a good fit for the WoP Mastermind.

Hopefully this blog post gave you a little more insight into how to negotiate the unwinnable negotiation. If it did, be sure to leave a comment below letting us know how.

They say ‘opposites attract’. While that may be true, it doesn’t always result in a positive experience for all involved. Let’s take introverts and extroverts as an example. I suspect that most introverts would prefer to negotiate with someone similarly inclined, thus creating an even playing field and a more satisfying experience. But increasingly, in our extrovert-driven society, introverts are required to negotiate with extroverts.

I confess this is something I gave very little, if any, thought to for most of my life. As an extrovert, I blithely careened through life with little appreciation for the effect my extrovertism may be having on friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances who were not similarly inclined. Having a daughter who most definitely falls in the introvert category changed that. It opened my eyes and my perspective. It’s one of the reasons I am now such a fierce advocate and proponent of the importance of active listening in negotiations.

I read up on the subject, including Susan Cain’s ground-breaking book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I came to recognize that as the world rewards extroverts and encourages a bombastic attack on life, we have come to talk over, minimize and discount the voices of introverts. This is a mistake. We miss out on valuable input, insights, perceptions, and counterbalances. We lose the benefit of the creativity that comes from recognizing and respecting different approaches.

INTROVERT VS EXTROVERT

People often assume that the difference between introverts and extroverts is that the former are shy and the latter are outgoing. That oversimplifies the issue. Introverts tend to be more introspective, often preferring to work alone, and typically thinking through ideas before speaking. Extroverts tend to prefer to work in groups, formulating their ideas and views as they speak.

BENEFITS OF INTROVERSION IN NEGOTIATION

Our traditional definition of success in negotiation was based on a misapprehension that toughness carries the day and that the person talking the loudest and longest wins. Both are myths. In fact, introverts increased tendency to listen intently; ask deep questions; seek to understand the other person’s position and needs; prepare thoroughly; and avoid speaking without considered thought are all significant assets and key skills required in negotiation.

In fact, it is this ability to approach a negotiation, as a conversation wherein you seek to get deeper understanding of the underlying and unstated needs, that allows for new perspectives and opens paths for more creative unanticipated outcomes that serve the higher good for all involved.

Perhaps it’s time we dispelled the myth that introverts are at a disadvantage in negotiation and started to view the traits of introverts as a strength rather than a liability.

NEGOTIATING TIPS FOR INTROVERTS:

I              MENTALLY PREPARE

Introverts need to get into the right mindset to negotiate. Understand that while this may be difficult, it is possible. Recognize any limiting beliefs about your aspiration levels and expectations in advance of the negotiation and flip those beliefs that don’t serve you (i.e. any beliefs or expectations that the process will be challenging and/or that your chances of success are in any way limited).

Going into a negotiation with confidence about your ability to achieve your desired outcomes increases your effectiveness and ability to do so. Studies show that our expectations affect both our motivation levels and our outcomes.

II             UNDERSTAND YOUR VOICE IS VALID

Introverts’ voices are valid. When an introvert negotiates with an extrovert, they have to own that fundamental truth at their core. Own that voice. Recognize its undeniable value. Just because introverts don’t talk ‘a million miles a minute’ (as my daughter no doubt perceives me), or their voice might not ‘boom’, or they don’t talk over others in the room to make their point, does not mean that their point isn’t important.

In fact, I invite you to consider that because introverts tend to give fulsome thought to their ideas before giving them voice arguably makes their point of view even more valuable to consider in the moment. Introverts’ opinions matter. Yet, if, in a negotiation, they don’t own their voice, the value of their contributions is lost altogether. This is a significant loss.

III           LEARN AND TRUST YOUR NEGOTIATION STYLE

There are various negotiation styles. The Harvard Business Review has an assessment to figure out an individual’s true negotiation style. While I recommend everyone take this test, it is especially relevant for when an introvert negotiates with an extrovert. If an introvert doesn’t understand or trust their true negotiation style, they are more likely to be overpowered and talked over and the negotiation will be taken over by the extrovert. Knowing and trusting your natural negotiation style is a foundational building block to allowing you to step into your most powerful negotiator.

IV           STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF

An introvert may think when they negotiate with an extrovert that they have to match the extrovert’s level of energy. That is not true. And it often leads to ceding power to the extrovert because s/he is in their element while the introvert is stuck trying to fit into their perception of how to negotiate as an extrovert, which often ends badly for the introvert. Thus once an introvert finds their true negotiation style they should negotiate from within their power realm, recognizing it as their strength.

V             USE YOUR INTROVERTISM AS AN ADVANTAGE

Let’s be honest, we have all seen extroverts talk themselves into messy situations. As an introvert, use that to your advantage. Let the extrovert talk their way into a corner. Then, using your natural negotiation style, point out what just happened. Don’t gloat, but rather, come from a place of compassion, rapport-building and empathy and use the moment to build a bridge for more open, respectful dialogue. Reflect back what you understand the position of the other person to be, ask deep questions, uncover and understand the needs (both stated and unstated) and use it to come to a better outcome for all.

Hopefully you got some helpful tips and insights from this blog post – whether you’re an introvert, extrovert or ambivert. If you have, be sure to comment on this post letting me know your thoughts. If you’d like to explore working with me to up-level your negotiation skills, feel free to book a Breakthrough Session

When you walk through the toy section at your local Target, what colors do you see? Typically, half the store is pink, filled with princesses and dolls, and the other half is blue, black, or red, packed with trucks and sports gear.

While a gendered toy section may not seem like a big deal at first glance, our early introductions to biased concepts of gender have far-reaching effects and consequences. Many gender stereotypes are ingrained into people’s subconscious during childhood, and they show up everywhere, from the playground to the workplace.

Throughout history, gender biases and stereotypes have put women at a disadvantage, limiting their career potential and excluding them from male-dominated sectors—which, historically, have been nearly all of them.

But what if I told you that you can make gender stereotypes work for you rather than against you? What if I told you that when you learn to recognize gender bias, you can use it to help negotiate for what you need and desire most?

Identifying Early Concepts of Gender

When you were a young girl, were you encouraged to quietly create crafts or play turn-taking games like hop-scotch? Alternately, were your brothers or the local neighborhood boys encouraged to play competitive sports like football or basketball?

Harmless as it may appear, that early coaxing is integral to shaping children’s skills and interests. In its simplest form, it conditions girls to be collaborative and nurturing while conditioning boys to be assertive and combative.

Here’s the truth: these gender stereotypes are not necessarily rooted in science. Not all boys are naturally more competitive, and not all girls are naturally more nurturing. Rather, society encourages children to develop separate skills from an early age. Research shows that kids between the ages of 3 and 7 have already formed distinct concepts of gender!

You can see the early effects of gender biases and expectations when asking a kid what they want to be when they grow up. Typically, girls cite women-dominated careers like teachers and nurses, while boys choose stereotypically masculine jobs like firefighters or pilots.

These early concepts of gender remain throughout adolescence and adulthood, confining people to societal expectations and threatening to limit their true potential as human beings.

Recognizing Gender Bias in the Workplace

The gendered assumptions enforced during childhood linger through adulthood and into people’s careers. The Fawcett Society, the UK’s leading advocate for gender equality and women’s rights, found that 51% of people feel that gender stereotyping in childhood constrained their career choices later in life.

The competitive traits that boys develop at a young age lead them to adopt steadfast attitudes as men. In the workplace, men come across as rational and logical, emphasizing objective fact over subjective opinion. Gender norms permit men to be more dominant and authoritative in their approach, feeding the stereotype that men are more direct and effective.

Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to value collaboration. They’re more inclined to form alliances and prioritize strong relationships. When they find themselves in situations (especially in the workplace) that aren’t conducive to collaboration, they may become passive, submissive, and tense. This tendency leads to deferential behavior and tentative speech patterns, like using the doubtful phrases “I think” and “I’m not really sure” to sound less forceful and more participatory.

Do you see yourself succumbing to these gender stereotypes and constraints in your own personal and professional life? It’s hard to undo society’s conditioning, but recognizing gender biases for what they are can help you overcome their limitations and use them to your advantage.

Using Gender Bias to Your Advantage in Negotiation

There’s a temptation to reject gender stereotypes entirely—and I can certainly understand that inclination! We’re gradually moving further away from a traditionally gendered society, but we’re still not quite there yet. As long as gender bias still exists, I suggest finding ways to make these stereotypes work to your advantage:

Flip the gender stereotype. We’ve all heard the phrase “act like a lady,” often used derisively to imply that women should passively smile and nod to avoid conflict. People generally expect their female adversaries to behave less competitively and more cooperatively, so use this knowledge as your secret weapon and allow them to underestimate you! While aggression comes across as threatening and offensive (both counterproductive in negotiation), an assertive approach will help you embrace your power. Take control and demonstrate a firm but fair demeanor. You’ll take the advantage when you show them you’re in control. This control comes from being prepared for your negotiations.

Come prepared. Did you know that women are less likely to be considered the authority on a given subject? Put this sexist stereotype to rest and show your counterpart that you know exactly what you’re talking about! Thorough preparation can guard you against being taken advantage of in negotiation, enabling you to test your counterpart’s claims with ample research.

In addition to preparing for the subject matter(s) at issue, also be sure to include consideration of the 5 W’s as part of your preparation process. The 5 W’s are an integral part of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system and will give you a profound advantage when applied with intention. Grab your free copy of my 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiating book here.

Combine gender stereotypes. In her ground-breaking book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg suggests that women are most successful in the workplace when they combine their stereotypically feminine attributes, like smiles and friendly gestures, with so-called masculine characteristics of assertiveness and independence. Harness the power of your femininity from a position of strength!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting you ‘act like a man’. Rather, embrace your feminine traits as your greatest strength. Bring rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trust-building skills to the table. Own them. Use them with intention. Studies show that bringing these traits to your negotiations will get you better, more creative outcomes, build better relationships, get better buy-in and longer-lasting agreements with more positive impact.

See yourself as your own advocate: Women tend to negotiate more assertively for someone else because they feel more comfortable pushing for the good of others. If you had a child or a loved one in need, you would fight to get them what they deserve. I implore you to negotiate for yourself as passionately as you would advocate for someone else! Afford yourself the same courtesy and recognize your inherent value.

I hope you come away from this blog post feeling empowered to use gender biases to your full advantage in all your negotiations. If you’d like to learn more about my proven approach to effective negotiation, let’s talk today!

Have you ever told a story that means something to you, only to realize the person you were speaking to was looking at their phone the whole time, not paying attention to a word you said? You probably felt like they didn’t value you or care about what was important to you. You’re not alone. It can be infuriating!

Distracted behavior in an everyday conversation is frustrating and disappointing, but during an important negotiation the consequences can be dire. This holds true for your personal and professional negotiations, whether you’re bargaining over what movie to watch with the kids or negotiating multi-million dollar business deals.

Listening intently is especially vital in professional settings where success directly depends on the ability to communicate effectively. This skill is at the heart of HERsuasion™: the Art of Feminine Negotiation.  When we practice active listening, we tune out all of the distractions surrounding us, allowing us to focus on ensuring the other person feels truly heard and understood. Ultimately, this critical skill gives you the edge in any negotiation.

What Is Passive vs. Active Listening

Listening demands silence: you literally have to stop talking in order to observe the other person in the conversation. While receiving information itself requires temporarily taking on a passive role, the active part of listening refers to how you respond to that information.

Passive listening involves paying attention to the words the speaker uses (and doesn’t use), remaining open to new ideas and perspectives, reserving judgment, and devoting your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting what someone is saying back to them to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening.

Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it, be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently or persuasively than they did themselves. While this may see counter-intuitive, it can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes.

Strong active listeners form a thorough understanding of what other people are saying and in turn make them feel seen, heard, and understood.

How to Become a Better Listener

Becoming a better listener begins with paying attention to the person who’s talking to you. The trick here is to focus on nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and momentum of speech. These nonverbal cues hint at the speaker’s attitude, positioning us to empathize and meet them at their level. Picking up on whether someone is frustrated, resistant, or cheerful allows us to adapt as listeners and negotiators.

Believe it or not, noticing nonverbal cues is a lot less complicated than it sounds. You know more than you think you do! Research suggests that even babies too young to master language have a basic understanding of nonverbal communication.

Beyond focusing on the speaker, be intentional with your own behaviors to show you’re engaged in the conversation even if you’re not speaking:

Show interest. The speaker wants to know you’re engaged, so use body language that demonstrates attentiveness, like leaning in, smiling, and nodding. Face the person you’re talking to directly, rather than turning away from them. Consider your arms: are they crossed or relaxed? Rely on your own body language to communicate interest but be cautious: fidgeting can be perceived as impatience, disinterest, or even disrespect, so try to keep your body fairly still.

Make appropriate eye contact. Eye contact suggests that you’re focused. Try to make consistent eye contact without lingering or staring, as that can be awkward or intimidating. Importantly, note the speaker’s eye contact. If they avoid looking you directly in the eye, they may be sensitive or uncomfortable. Shifting their gaze might better allow them to process information. The more you can observe and adapt, the better the conversation will go.

Avoid interruptions and distractions. Interruptions like clicking your pen or checking your phone immediately disrupt the flow of conversation. Remove all possible physical disruptions. Additionally, avoid imposing your views or suggestions when the speaker is still taking their turn. Interjecting your own words can throw someone off balance and distract them from completing a thought.

Be comfortable with silence. Always pause to allow the speaker (and yourself!) to collect their thoughts. Conversations and negotiations should not be verbal sparring matches: you don’t always have to jump in, reply, or comment. Providing a moment of grace can even work to your advantage. Let the other person divulge their solutions, ideas, thoughts, and concerns before you give up yours.

Accommodate different learning styles. Everyone absorbs information differently. Acknowledge auditory, visual, verbal, or kinesthetic learners by attending to their specific learning style and meeting them on their level. Some people are quick to absorb new concepts, while others may take more time to process information. Be respectful of their needs. Likewise, avoid the urge to conclude people’s thoughts and ideas for them. Trying to help somebody along might actually stifle their self-expression.

Enforce the 80/20 rule. Listen, listen, listen! As a rule of thumb, 80% of your conversation should involve you listening to the other person compared to just 20% talking. Devote the majority of your conversation to listening, observing those critical nonverbal cues, and confirming your understanding of the speaker’s point of view.

Once you’ve listened and absorbed the speaker’s ideas, look for opportunities to build onto what they’ve said before sharing your own perspective and ideas. The speaker will feel respected and heard—and that will reflect positively on your patience and empathy.

The Value of Listening in Negotiation

The most valuable tool in negotiation is the ability to truly understand the other person’s needs and desires. To get what you want, you must know what drives you (what I call your “why”) and balance that against the other person’s desires (their “why”).

An expert negotiator listens intently to the other person’s “why” and capitalizes on its intersection with their own “why.”

Traditional workplace environments celebrate a confrontational negotiation style that’s inherently combative. People make the mistake of assuming they know the other person’s intentions and then communicate without really ever listening. Neither party feels heard, minimizing the chances of reaching a solution even when one is readily available.

In my free No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook, I outline steps to approaching negotiation without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R). One of the classic ways Ego presents itself is talking too much instead of listening. Rambling on is troubling for a number of reasons, as it can suggest uncertainty or even monopolization of a topic. If you’re talking too much, you aren’t listening, and you certainly aren’t negotiating on the winning side.

A Salesforce survey shows that business leaders attract more support when they empower their employees by listening and making them feel heard. There are enormous benefits to demonstrating that you can listen. We all want to know that our position is being thoughtfully considered and respected!

The better you understand what someone else wants, the more skillfully you can negotiate. Practicing active listening ensures that you always know where the other party stands. Want to learn more? Download my No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook or reach out directly for a consultation!

Envision a scenario in which two equally capable women enter a boardroom to compete for a potential new client.

Woman 1 is bold and assertive, taking control of the situation to make sure that she pitches first. She neatly outlines a carefully developed plan and emphasizes that she can work independently.

Woman 2 waits patiently for Woman 1 to finish, listening intently and observing the potential client’s reactions. When it’s her turn, she begins by first asking the client for their ideas, hopes, and concerns for his business. She absorbs this information and offers a flexible, collaborative approach to solving the client’s problems and building a trusting, professional relationship.

Did you notice the difference between these two approaches? Which woman do you think made a better impression?

Woman 1 chose a traditionally masculine approach, using her dominant energy to take charge of the pitch and drive her proposal forward. Woman 2 used an entirely different technique, leaning into her feminine energy to listen and collaborate with the client throughout the proposal process.

As a negotiation expert and coach for ambitious women, I’m often challenged to explain the concept of a masculine versus feminine negotiating style. I want to convey first and foremost that the way I see it, the terms masculine and feminine have very little to do with gender itself. Rather, we all have masculine and feminine energy that we can tap into depending on our mindset—we simply have to learn when and how to access that energy to our full advantage.

(Truthfully, I believe these gendered terms will soon become anachronisms. Society is gradually starting to distance itself from gender norms taking a much more inclusive, gender-neutral view of the world. But that’s a topic for a different day. For now, “masculine” and “feminine” are the terms we have, so we must use them accordingly.)

Using Masculine and Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Society has always framed negotiation in favor of masculinity, perpetuating the assumption that traits like aggressiveness and competition are inevitable harbingers of success. If you think about it, women were excluded from many professional settings until fairly recently, leaving men to establish these environments in accordance with their traditionally “male” characteristics.

Unfortunately, these masculine characteristics still dominate the workplace, conditioning men and women to eschew feminine negotiating traits like rapport building, empathy, and flexibility for the sake of conforming to society’s male-centric business culture. While the push toward gender equality in the workplace has made incredible strides in the past several decades, feminine energy remains significantly devalued in comparison to masculine energy.

And yet, regardless of what we’ve all learned to accept as the norm, the fact is that feminine traits are immensely valuable—especially in the workplace.

The Power of Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Feminine qualities are key to successful negotiations. But don’t just take my word for it. Let the research speak for itself.

In The Athena Doctrine: How Women (and the Men who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio expertly detail an important, wide-ranging study asking a diverse set of people to qualify values and leadership traits as masculine, feminine, or neutral. Their findings unequivocally reveal that traditionally feminine traits are considered more advantageous in business settings than the “macho paradigm” (their words!) typically associated with negotiating.

The study showed that instead of masculine assertiveness and competition, people actually value cooperation, long-term thinking, and flexibility in negotiation—traditionally feminine traits that were previously perceived as weaknesses in the business world.

Looking back at our example of the two women competing for a potential new client, it’s clear that Woman 2 was onto something when she opted for a more traditionally feminine approach!

How does it feel to learn that the feminine energy you’ve been conditioned to suppress in professional settings is ostensibly more valuable than the masculine energy you’ve struggled to emanate and express? Liberating, isn’t it? This realization was certainly a game-changer for me personally and professionally, and it inspired me to launch Women on Purpose.

Now, it’s my mission to encourage women and men alike to shift their thinking from the masculine, competitive, tough mindset to a softer, feminine mentality of building bridges, collaboration, and trust.

Using Feminine Qualities to Your Advantage in Negotiation

We all have masculine and feminine qualities—and both can be valuable when negotiating for what we want. So let go of those sexist stereotypes trying to convince you that femininity is synonymous with weakness, and start recognizing your feminine traits for what they really are: your greatest strengths.

Reclaiming your feminine energy in the workplace will help you:

Get better results. People are inclined to negotiate with someone who is cooperative. When you show that you’re flexible and open to new ideas, you form stronger professional relationships and build trust quickly.

Find more creative solutions. We harness our feminine energy when we forge alliances and emphasize teamwork. Collaboration opens us to ideas we may not have generated on our own, ultimately yielding the best outcomes.

Make the world a better place. When we stifle our feminine energy, we pigeonhole ourselves and limit our potential—and that applies outside the workplace, too! Flexibility, cooperation, and empathy are immensely valuable in bringing people together as a force for good.

Are you ready to reclaim the true power of your feminine qualities in the workplace and beyond? Let’s connect to discuss more strategies for using feminine energy to your advantage!

Have you been conditioned to believe that concessions—trade-offs that involve conceding or compromising during a negotiation—are signs of weakness? It’s time to dispel this myth once and for all.

Effective negotiation is a dynamic process of give and take. While it’s true that concession is the act of yielding, skilled negotiators strategically plan for this inevitability.

As with most aspects of negotiation, your intention is the key to success. When you’re proactive and plan in advance, you’ll avoid being caught off guard and yielding the wrong things.

First Things First: Know Your BATNA

Before entering any negotiation, it’s important to know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Identifying your BATNA gives you a clear sense of your options in the event that you don’t get a deal.

To see what a BATNA looks like in action, let’s take the example of shopping for a new item that’s a pretty big investment: a car, appliance, even a pair of designer shoes!

When you’re making a major purchase, you’ll typically look at a number of factors—with price being a major point of consideration. If the item you’re looking to purchase has an offered price that’s above the price you know you can get elsewhere, then you potentially have a strong BATNA.

Notice that I used the word potentially. Why? Because price isn’t the only factor that matters! People often get stuck on comparing only price and end up walking away when in fact their BATNA isn’t as strong as they initially thought it was.

Say you’re purchasing a washing machine and trying to decide between two competitors. Machine A is $1,000 and Machine B is $1,200. On its face, it looks like Machine A is a better deal. Conventional BATNA wisdom advises that if you’re negotiating for Machine B, you know that Machine A is your BATNA. According to this approach, if you can’t get the price for Machine B below $1,000, then you can walk away knowing your best alternative is better.

Well, I say to heck with conventional wisdom! Price shouldn’t be your only consideration in determining your BATNA. Machine A may cost $200 less, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better deal. What if Machine B comes from a trusted supplier, offers a better warranty, and has a special delicate cycle so that you won’t have to hand-wash your intimates ever again? Those factors alone may be worth $200!

Ultimately, that’s for you to decide. BATNA can be very personal—and there’s no right or wrong answer. What constitutes a best alternative for you will depend on how you weigh the various factors at play.

So, how do you determine your BATNA? 

It’s important to do your homework. Ideally before any negotiation, you’ll contemplate, explore, and list all the alternatives available to you if the negotiation fails. You’ll evaluate these options and pick the one that would provide the best overall value to you. Now that you have your BATNA, you can meaningfully set your bottom line.

When used effectively, BATNAs provide significant bargaining power—but that power goes both ways, so consider the other side’s BATNA as well.

How to Effectively Use Concessions in Negotiations 

Once you’ve figured out your BATNA, you’ll be in a much better position to plan your concession strategy and ultimately get what you want:

• • Consider the “why.” During the give-and-take of negotiation, there will likely be trade-offs on both sides. Consider priorities—not only yours, but the other party’s as well. Similarly, consider the “why:” the emotional underpinning that motivates you and the person you’re negotiating with. What concessions can you afford to give without losing your needs? How can you meet the other side’s “why” without sacrificing your own?
  • Time concessions strategically. Many negotiation instructors will tell you to always make the other side give the first concession, but my approach to timing is different: so long as you’ve done your work in advance and planned for your concessions mindfully, it’s okay to vary the timing. There are even situations when it may be more effective to offer the first concession. Either way, when your position is strong and you’re well-prepared for the negotiation, nobody is going to move you unless you want to be moved.
  • Pace yourself. Studies suggest that people react more favorably to concessions that are doled out in increments rather than all at once, so avoid giving all your concessions too early. Keep some in your back pocket to produce as trade-offs for something important that may come up during the negotiation. You should also avoid offering too big a concession too early in the negotiation. This common mistake can signal that you don’t believe your own demands are realistic.

• Make sure there’s reciprocity. Is the other side giving concessions to match yours? Women often make the mistake of expecting others to know what we want and need, and this assumption usually results in us getting neither. So don’t be afraid to ask for reciprocity—especially if the other side isn’t volunteering it! Express what you want. Identify your concession and suggest an appropriate reciprocal concession. Unless you have a good tactical reason to do so, never give back-to-back concessions without anything in return.
• Offer contingent concessions. If you’re uncertain that your bargaining partner will reciprocate, signal that you’re prepared to give x if they’re prepared to give or do y. When used sparingly, contingent concessions can build trust and credibility to help move the negotiation forward.

These tips will give you the foundation to start using concessions to your advantage. Above all else, remember to be intentional in how you handle your concessions. I have full confidence that when you plan ahead and harness your true intentions, you’ll be successful in your next negotiation.

Want to learn more negotiation strategies for getting what you deserve in life?