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Ask Katherine: What If I’m Not Perfect?

Dear Katherine,

My husband and I are working on our parenting and have realized that many of the changes that need to occur in our family start with us. 

We have much to learn about our own needs and behaviors, but as we put in the work, how realistic is it for us to expect our children to manage their own emotions and needs?

Is it possible to raise children to stop the behaviors we don’t like, even if we sometimes exhibit them ourselves? 

Sincerely,

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Hi there, Do As I Say, Not As I Do, Great question! On some level, I believe every parent hopes that their children will be better versions of themselves.

Unfortunately, the reality is that children—especially young ones—can’t be what they don’t see. They have no frame of reference for it.

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You’re right to recognize that much of the work of conscious parenting is more about parents than children. You need to do the work of untangling your ingrained beliefs around approaching conflict, dealing with emotions, and understanding trauma, so you can help your children do the same.

This work can—and should—take place concurrently. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to have a wonderful relationship with your kids!

When you acknowledge that you’re exhibiting the same behaviors you’re guiding your kids away from, be honest with them about it and have a moment of reflection together. Try saying something like. . .

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“I’m so sorry that you have to see me behaving like this. Sometimes despite my best efforts, I mess up. You’re allowed to mess up, too. But let’s talk about why it happened so we can both move on.”

Kids need you to be the best version of yourself to become the best version of themselves—and that process involves communication and accountability.

It’s a lot of pressure, but the good news is that you can get there as a family. Take the time you need to work on yourself. If it means carving out time just for you, that’s alright. Becoming a part of the Conscious Parenting Revolution is a phenomenal start.

I believe in your capacity to lead by example for your kids. Confident parenting is within your reach!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is It Time for a Parent-Teacher Conference About Your Parenting Style?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a Conscious Parent eager to raise your kids using effective communication and active listening. Perhaps you’ve even joined us for the 90-Day Parenting Reset and are practicing the principles of the Guidance Approach to Parenting at home.

But what happens when your child steps outside their protected family bubble? How do you explain the Guidance Approach to Parenting to teachers, child care providers, and even grandparents?

The adult caregivers in your child’s life don’t need to subscribe to the same parenting method as you, but they do need to respect your decisions on how to raise your children.

Talking to Caregivers and Teachers About How to Treat Your Child

These proactive discussion points can help you effectively communicate your parenting style to adults who interact frequently with your kids:

  • “I treat my kids with the respect every human being, regardless of age, deserves.” At the core of the Guidance Approach to Parenting is the conviction that children are humans too—which means they deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. This fundamental value should lead any conversation you begin.
  • “We encourage self-direction instead of reward vs. punishment.” Explain to your child’s teachers that instead of a punitive approach to “bad” behavior, you prefer self-directed resolutions. If your child has an altercation with a classmate, ask their teacher to help identify the root of the problem. Was there an unmet need or a misunderstanding? Once both sides of the story have been heard, the conflicting parties should collaborate on a solution that makes everyone happy.
  • “We use acknowledgement rather than praise.” Praising a child’s looks or intelligence teaches them to measure their self-worth based on superficial traits and what other people think of them. It also brings the poison of measuring their self-worth from external factors.
    Acknowledgment connects a child to their own sense of accomplishment so they can more clearly see their own skills and competencies, and sense into how they feel about themselves.  After all, the cornerstone to solid self-esteem isn’t seeking others’ approval or praise.
    Assure grandparents that they can congratulate their grandkids for a job well done, but that they should emphasize hard work and self-discipline as opposed to empty praise for being “smart.” For example, “I admire how hard you worked on that.” “Congratulations!” “Did you know you could do that?” and “You seem proud of yourself.”
  • “I refrain from using negative adjectives to describe my kids (e.g. calling them “spoiled” or “bad”). There’s a big difference between pointing out that a child made a mess and making them feel like they are a mess. No one likes to be called names! Ask the adults in your children’s life to use non-blameful descriptions of behavior and to avoid names or labels that can undermine your kid’s confidence or sense of self.
  • “Our children know when we talk down to them.” When my daughter Pia was in elementary school, she came home one day absolutely indignant at how a friend’s mother had spoken to her. “Mom, she never would’ve talked to you that way,” she said. She was right. Adults assume that kids won’t catch the nuances in our communication, but they can tell when they’re being talked down to. It can’t possibly feel good to be marginalized and viewed as “less than” just because you’re a child. Caregivers should always be aware of how they’re talking to children.

Sharing your perspective with people who don’t hold the same beliefs isn’t always easy. And altering someone’s point of view won’t happen overnight. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to have these tough conversations.

If you need further guidance starting a dialogue with the adults in your children’s life, our private parenting Facebook group can offer support and help you build your confidence. We stream live every Tuesday at 6 pm PST. You can put your questions and concerns in the comment thread and get them addressed right then and there.

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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

5 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Your Kids Growing Up

Is this the little girl I carried?

Is this the little boy at play?

I don’t remember growing older,

When did they?

Girl on Swing

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?

It’s the tale of a Jewish milkman named Tevye who has five daughters. Those lyrics are from the lullaby he and his wife sing just before their eldest daughter gets married.

When did she grow to be a beauty?

When did he grow to be so tall?

Wasn’t it yesterday when they were small?

When you think about your children growing up, what emotions do you experience?

Do you feel hope and elation—or fear and anxiety?

Are You Scared to Let Your Kids Grow Up?

Research from the American Family Survey reveals that modern parents set arbitrary milestones to cope with discomfort about their adolescents growing up, which ultimately results in postponing their independence.

When asked what age kids should be “allowed to play at a park or walk home without adult supervision,” the answer was 13. But those same parents said they would let their kid get a job or go on a date less than two years later.

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What these numbers really show is that behind the confusion is an underlying fear. But what are parents and caregivers so afraid of?

  • Fear of danger. The most prevalent of all parental anxieties is the worry that our children will be harmed. This fear is perfectly normal and understandable, but the answer can’t be keeping our kids locked up like modern-day Rapunzels!
  • Fear of the future or the unknown. If the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that the world as we know it can change in the blink of an eye. Although we want to keep our children safe and happy 100% of the time, the reality is that so much is beyond our control. The unknown can be a scary thing—but only if you let it be.
  • Fear of separation or letting go. Next time you go to a wedding, look around to see who’s bawling their eyes out. (Hint: it’s probably the parents!) Watching our kids transition to adulthood can make us feel lonely and insignificant, but part of our duty as caregivers is to set them up for independence.

5 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Your Kids Growing Up

Although it’s normal to have parental anxiety, being able to address and ultimately overcome your fears is important—for you and your kids. It’s not easy, but the results are so rewarding.

Here are five strategies that may work for you:

  1. Be a positive mirror. Keep in mind that if you’re acting afraid, your child may pick up on your emotions and start feeling the same way. As caregivers, it’s our duty to make our kids feel secure, and in many ways that begins with our own behavior. Show them how to navigate the world and its uncertainties smartly, safely, and confidently.
  1. Be encouraging. If you can’t handle the thought of your teen going on a date, imagine how they’re feeling right now! Remember how painfully insecure you felt when you were their age? Your teen needs encouragement more than anything. Reassure them that, as Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote, “no feeling is final.” Whatever they’re feeling and experiencing will eventually sort itself out.
  1. Be honest. Encouragement is only valuable when it’s genuine and grounded in reality. If you sugarcoat life, you’re not doing your kid any favors. Take the pandemic, for example: telling your child COVID-19 will magically go away is dishonest and insincere. You may feel like you’re protecting them, but at what cost? A better approach is to explain the effects of the virus and educate them on how to stay safe.
  1. Be communicative. When my daughter Pia was a teenager, we would have disagreements about her going out with her friends and me not knowing where she was. Finally, she came to me one day and asked, “Mom, what can I do to reassure you that I’m safe?” We agreed that a simple text message informing me where she was and who she was with would ease my worry. Problem solved!

5. Be there. I cannot stress the importance of this last tip: let your child know that they can come to you anytime, anywhere, whatever they need. Listen to them. Empathize with how they feel. Just be there.

Don’t let fear cripple you from being the best parent you can be. Face your anxieties head-on and take concrete steps to overcome them so that you can be at peace with your child getting older.

And if you feel like you can’t cope on your own, by all means ask for help! It takes a village to raise a child and the Conscious Parenting Revolution is happy to be your support network.

Join our Facebook group to catch our coaches live streaming Tuesday Tips for Parents, every Tuesday at 6:10 pm PST. We’d love to see you there.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine