Author: Katherine Sellery

This year’s holiday season reminds me of the opening line in Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women:

“‘Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas without any presents,’ grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.”

The story is set in the middle of the American civil war, and the four March sisters are grieving over not being able to spend Christmas with their army chaplain father—as well as not having enough money for gifts.

Our current situation has been described countless times in the last 9 months as a “war on the coronavirus.” Many families are feeling the economic impact of the pandemic—and that strain can be compounded by pressures of the holiday season.

On top of that, the usual traditions and festivities have been altered and canceled for many. Families are struggling over how to celebrate this year. Many will make the difficult decision to stay apart. Presents will get shipped all over the world, but it’s not quite the same as being there to open gifts with your loved ones.

Perhaps, we’re all starting to grumble.

How do we embrace this not-so-normal holiday season gracefully? How do we keep our kids (and ourselves) from turning into the Grinch?

Here are some conscious parenting tips from one of our favorite holiday songs:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Look for ways to make your home space bright and cheery, especially if you’re spending most of your time indoors or facing bleak winter weather. You might go wild with tinsel and lights; you might bring in an extra lamp and a potted plant. Whatever you choose, find ways to involve your child in the decorating (or redecorating) process.

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Practice gratitude. Make a point to talk with your child about how much there is to be thankful for: good health, good friends, good food. If you find you or your child sliding into the holiday blues, acknowledge their feelings. This is a difficult time. Then, help them reframe their experience to focus on what’s positive to boost their mood.

️Don we now our gay apparel. Get all dressed up, even if there’s nowhere to go! Put on your best holiday clothes for a special meal or stroll around the neighborhood. The crowd may be small, but you can still celebrate in style. Don’t forget to take pictures to send to family and friends!

 Troll the ancient Yuletide carol. Keep your traditions, even if they don’t look the way you expect them to. Light the menorah, read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, eat cookies on Bodhi Day—show your children that there’s still reason to celebrate, even in the face of adversity. This year is also a great opportunity to start a new tradition to pass on to future generations.

We live in an ever-changing world. Even in our small family units, change is constant: we get new jobs, move to different houses, shift from face-to-face learning to school-from-home, switch babysitters, have another child. Although change is a necessary part of life, it can be a stressful experience for children (and adults too!).

A daily routine helps create a safe and secure environment for your kids. Children thrive on structure, because it helps them anticipate and prepare for what’s going to happen next. A routine can give your kids something to count on in an increasingly unpredictable world—even if it’s just knowing that bathtime happens at 7 pm every night.

The consistency of a routine also helps children build healthy habits. Repetition reinforces habits, and good habits develop your child’s ability to self-regulate in a healthy way. As Pulitzer prize-winning reporter, Charles Duhigg, wrote in his book, The Power of Habit:

…”signing kids up for piano lessons or sports…has nothing to do with creating a good musician or a five-year-old soccer star. When you learn to force yourself to practice for an hour or run fifteen laps, you start building self-regulatory strength. A five-year-old who can follow the ball for ten minutes becomes a sixth grader who can start his homework on time.”

Want to know more about the power of routine? Here are five benefits your child gets from following a daily schedule:

1. Strong circadian rhythm. Our body clocks are wired to wake up when there’s sunlight and go to sleep when it’s dark. Determine set times for getting up, eating, bathing, studying, playing, and relaxing. Explain to your child that in order to maintain a healthy body, we need to give it the structure that it needs.
2. Healthy self-direction. It’s important for parents and caregivers to include their children in creating a routine at home. It helps them practice independence and self-direction, as well as allows them to express what’s important to them. Does your child feel like they simply must go on a bike ride everyday? Find a way to pencil that into your schedule.
3. Quality time with family. Making room for time to eat together, play together, and rest together gives your whole family an opportunity to bond. Having stable and happy family relationships during childhood will help your kids learn to develop and cultivate stable and happy relationships as adults.
4. The ability to plan ahead. A routine not only allows us to anticipate pleasant future events (i.e. an afternoon swim or weekend movie nights), but it also gives us the discipline to plan ahead. Self-regulation is so important—it develops your child’s ability to submit homework on time in childhood and meet work deadlines in adulthood.
5. The propensity to cope with stress. Charles Duhigg also says that sooner or later, our habits become auto-pilot responses. We do them without thinking. As kids grow older, it’s crucial that they learn how to cope with stressful situations and difficult transitions. If your child knows that no matter what happens, they have their routine and habits to fall back on—they’ll feel healthy, safe, and secure.

In a continually changing world, it’s our responsibility as parents and caregivers to provide a stable environment for our children to thrive in. If you need more tips on how to build healthy habits with your kids, you can download my free ebook, 7 Strategies to Keeping Your Relationship with Your Kid From Hitting the Boiling Point.

Here in the United States, we’re a week away from one of our oldest holiday traditions: Thanksgiving. Whether or not you celebrate Thanksgiving where you’re located, it’s a good opportunity to show some gratitude for all that we have: our homes, our families, our health.

As a parent, I know you’re incredibly thankful for the gift that is your child. But sometimes we can be grateful for our kids and yet, in the same breath, wish they were different.

If only my kid were as well-behaved as my neighbor’s.

I wish my son got into an Ivy League school.

Why can’t my daughter be more friendly?

Parents find it hard to accept their kids for who they are. When a child exercises their autonomy, the parent often responds by telling them they’re rude, bad, spoiled, or unappreciative. We don’t stop to wonder:

What makes my kid more outspoken than the neighbor’s child?

What else interests my son besides schoolwork?

What social situations make my daughter feel most comfortable?

Why do we freak out in the moment when our kids say “no” instead of wondering what they’re saying “yes” to?

Your child may be your progeny, but they aren’t your clone. At most, they only share half your DNA, and they have a unique combination of experiences and emotions that are separate and apart from yours. All too often, parents treat their children as though they should be dolls: obedient, orderly, and passive. Those attitudes are often subconscious and stem from what we learned during our own childhoods.

But the cycle is not inevitable. When you engage with your child and get curious about what they’re saying “yes” to, you open the lines of communication and start to connect with them at heart-level, as human beings. And when we truly connect, that’s when we realize that our kids aren’t being self-centered or defiant—they’re just being themselves.

Our kids aren’t being self-centered or defiant—they’re just being themselves.

The truth is, our kids don’t exist to obey us, comply to our rules, or make us happy. Each child is their own unique individual, with their own personality, opinions, and set of likes and dislikes.

So this Thanksgiving, eat a slice of humble pie, and accept that it’s not “your way or the high way” when it comes to parenting. As healthy, conscious parents (or caregivers!), it’s our duty to nurture our kids’ autonomy and uniqueness. That’s how we help them grow to be self-sufficient adults.

We need to recognize this responsibility, take it to heart, and be grateful that our children are just the way they are. Teaching kids to be considerate of their own needs and the needs of others trumps training kids to be obedient and compliant every time.

Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you, and happy that we’re on this journey together.