Author: Katherine Sellery

A mom friend of mine sent me a picture this week. It showed her perched on the (closed!) pedestal on the toilet, resting her laptop on the toilet paper holder, while her daughter peeked over the side of the bath-tub doing her evening bathing routine. This is working mom life today. Juggling two jobs at once, but feeling like you’re doing neither one to the best of your ability. But even as the pandemic has passes, the mom’s guilt stays.

What can you do to help alleviate the guilt of having to balance your working responsibilities with those of being a good parent? Working mom guilt can paralyze us with stress and trigger our instincts of fight or flight – which, during the pandemic, are already heightened.

Ways You Can Ease Working Mom Guilt

The very first thing you can do is simply to breathe deeply. When you’re in the moment of heightened guilt, merely taking a few breaths can help put much-needed space between you and the situation.

Longer-term, you can seek to change your perspective on your guilt. Is it so bad for your child that they see mom working and having to prioritize her time? It sets an excellent example for your children and shows them that they can do or be anything they want to be, after all.

For a long time, we weren’t able to separate ourselves for even a few hours. Some of us are still not able to drop the kids off at childcare or school. Have you noticed how much clingier to you they were since they have you around 24/7?

Ordinarily, you can rest assured that despite your child’s tears at seeing you go (and possibly your own), you’re letting your child grow and form their thoughts and feelings and make personal friendships – without always looking to you for affirmation. You can relieve yourself of the guilt of letting them be in the care of someone else while you work.

However, in conversations with your child’s carers, how have you felt when it was someone else who was there for them when they cried? What about when you weren’t there for a milestone? Did you feel guilt and sadness that someone else spends more waking hours with your child, and might know them better than you?

There is a loneliness that settles into your heart as you learn how to juggle this new normal. I know you question if you are good enough—good enough at work, good enough as a mom, good enough as a spouse because I’ve thought and felt and carried all of these emotions too.

Letting go of the guilt comes with acceptance. Accepting that this is what is, and not hanging on to what SHOULD be.

This is especially true now, where we have not only had to juggle the roles of parent and employee, but also become our child’s teacher and playmate. How much guilt do you feel when you switch on the television or hand them a tablet to entertain themselves and ask them to be quiet while you try to conduct a meeting on zoom?

Knowing that it’s ok to be ‘good enough’ but not perfect, will give you more peace than trying to do everything correctly. You are not going to be the perfect mother. You are not going to be the ideal employee. And that’s ok. You are good enough, and that’s all you have to be.

It’s essential to establish your boundaries with your workplace. Your boss knows you’re a mom, and when you clock out promptly, it’s not your lack of ambition or slacking off. It’s merely that you have other responsibilities that you have to balance. They should hopefully be understanding of that. You’re not a bad employee because you’re a mom, any more than you’re a bad mom for working.

Who Do You Surround Yourself With?

Think about who you surround yourself with? Do they support you, or mom-shame you? You’ll feel much lighter if you surround yourself with other moms and people who support you, and not those who tell you what you “should” be doing.

Don’t Follow The Rules

If you can stop following other people’s rules, you’ll achieve a step in relieving yourself of working mom guilt. Forget the rules. When you feel working mom guilt, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if I break the rules?” Your answer can bring you back to your reality.

It’s not only when you’re suffering mom guilt that you need to limit your own screen time, but it will help you to limit your distractions. When you do have time with your child, try to give them your attention for the short time you’re with them. This can be very challenging when you’ve already been pulled in every direction at work all day. But freeing yourself from other people’s perfectly curated lives, and being present for your child will give you far more peace of mind. And the ability to be a present and conscious parent.

Do It At Your Own Pace

Take one day at a time. Don’t keep looking to the future weekends or vacations. Just focus on getting through today. After all – eight hours is far more manageable than five days.

Think about how working makes you feel? Do you feel like a more well-rounded and grounded person for going to work? Your child will benefit more from a good role model, and happy mommy, than from one who feels bored or unfulfilled. That’s not to say mommies who stay home ARE bored and unfulfilled, but if you are someone who enjoys going to work, that won’t change when you also have a family.

Don’t Judge Yourself

We are all our harshest critics. Especially when working motherhood is such a significant part of our identity. Have you ever forgotten something at your child’s school? A PJ day or pot luck? Or felt guilty that other parents put together a perfect Valentine’s gift bag for the entire class, while your offering lacked the same detail and imagination?

To stop beating yourself up, reserve self-judgment. Think about the bigger picture. Will any of those moments of guilt affect your child’s performance in school? We all forget things, and no one is perfect, and you can release yourself from the self-judgment.

It is ok to make mistakes and to help yourself you can learn from them.

Getting organized will help, and your phone is your friend. Set reminders, and use apps or planners that will remind you of everyone’s schedules.

Would you be a better mom if you only had one full-time job, and not two? It’s easy to think that perhaps stay-at-home moms are happier because they are not trying to do it all.

Mom Christy Lilley admits she’s asked herself that question many times. She says that she agrees that their lives would be less stressful and more manageable if she wasn’t working. “Things would be calmer, our weekends and nights would be less hectic,” she says.

However, she adds that she doesn’t think that she would be happier and that maybe it’s easy to believe that the grass is always greener.

We can accept working mom guilt isn’t going to go away completely. But you can work towards alleviating that guilt and see the positives of being a working mom.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

PS. Check out my newest appearance on PedsDocTalk discussing why being mindful as a parent is important for your child’s success. Click here to listen and don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel!

How to Create Boundaries Between Siblings

Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a monthly Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.

Dear Katherine,

I’m a mother of two sweet boys, a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Recently, my husband and I have noticed more fighting in our household. We were quick to attribute it to our older son, but after talking to him, we discovered it was actually the other way around. My toddler keeps pressing his older brother’s buttons and won’t leave him alone! What should I do? How do I explain space and boundaries to two kids under 7?

– Trying to Create Space

Dear Trying to Create Space,

I couldn’t help but smile at your letter. We often attribute sibling misbehavior to the older child, failing to consider all the mischief younger ones are capable of!

The truth about your toddler is that he’s not yet at the developmental stage where he can fully understand social interaction. Because he doesn’t have a fully formed frontal cortex, it’s still quite difficult for him to distinguish which behaviors are upsetting.

That explains why jumping all over his older brother or pulling his hair is so much fun!

Still, it’s never too early to teach your children to respect each other’s boundaries. Here are some tips you might find helpful:

Create a “space bubble.” Sit your two boys down and explain that it’s normal for them to want time to themselves. Ask them to identify these moments (e.g. “I like to be alone when I’m building my LEGO set or taking a bath”) and reassure them that alone time is perfectly okay.

Then, make a game out of creating a “space bubble.” Whenever each of them wants time alone, they can announce “I’m going to the space bubble” or wear something silly on their head to signify what they’re doing. If your toddler isn’t having it, tell him he can spend time with Mommy or Daddy while his brother’s in the space bubble.

Teach them to respect each other’s belongings. It’s common for young siblings to fight over toys and other belongings, but you can help them become better at sharing. Teach your boys to ask permission when they want to play with each other’s toys, books, or crayons. When your toddler suddenly grabs his brother’s coloring book, explain that he can either wait his turn or ask to borrow it. Encourage sharing on both sides.

Also realize not sharing is OKAY. There are things all of us worry about getting broken or soiled or damaged. We protect ourselves from loss and disappointment when we know what not to share. Honoring those boundaries is part of being respectful, too.

Find better ways to connect. What do toddlers crave most? Attention. If your 3-year-old keeps poking his brother in the rib or making faces at him, he probably just wants to connect with him. Show your little one that there are better ways to get someone’s attention, like touching them (gently!) on the arm, calling their name, or asking them if they want to play.

Take the opportunity to discuss that people can only truly say yes to you when they know it is okay to say no to you, too. This rule applies to humans of any age and may provide an opportunity for a conversation about handling disappointment.

Model effective communication. Your 3-year-old may still stumble over his words, but everyone else in the family should model effective communication to set a good example. Prompt your toddler to name how he feels (e.g. “Are you crying because you’re hungry/sad/angry/tired?”) and ask for what he wants (e.g. “I want to borrow your bike or build a LEGO set with you.”)

The phrase “would you be willing” is especially powerful because it conveys that what is being asked is actually a request and not a demand (e.g., “Would you be willing to share your LEGOs with me? Would you be willing to let me ride your bike”) Good communication allows for empathy and understanding.

Trying to Create Space, raising two kids at different developmental stages certainly isn’t easy.

But it’s never too early to start teaching the importance of respect, personal space, boundaries, and communication!

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Did you ever catch that children’s program, Bananas in Pajamas?

The main characters are two bananas, B1 and B2, who are identical in every way. They walk the same, talk the same, and very often think the same! B1 and B2 are always aligned, and they live in the kind of harmonious home that could ONLY exist on a kid’s TV show.

The Banana family is unknowingly helping to perpetuate the myth of the united front. I’ve worked with thousands of parents in the last 20 years, and most of them believe that parents should be in total agreement when it comes to making decisions about their kids. Like identical twin bananas, they strive to feel, think, and react the same way to their children.

Child: Can I go to a friend’s house this weekend?
Parents: (In unison) Yes!

Child: Can I eat this block of chocolate for dinner?
Parents: (United) No!

Child: Can you teach me to square dance?
Parents: (At the same time) Maybe later.

You get my point.

The problem is that the united front isn’t real! You and your parenting partner are two distinct human beings. You each have your own history, upbringing, and unique set of experiences. You’re probably unconsciously passing down behaviors and beliefs you learned as a child, long before you met your partner or became a parent. Your opinions may be influenced by deeply held beliefs about age, gender, propriety, and other factors. You might feel the way you do because of what you ate for breakfast.

In short, it’s I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E to agree with your partner on every single issue or question around raising your kids. Trying to present a united front is not only exhausting, it’s inauthentic.

At the same time, you don’t want to get into a pattern where your child runs from one parent to the other, only respecting the answer they want to hear. What’s a conscious parent to do?

Be honest. If you disagree with your partner on certain issues when it comes to your kids, be transparent with them about your feelings. Ignoring your differences will cause more trouble later on. Discuss your own childhoods and how your experiences have shaped you to react differently.
Show your support. You can have a different opinion than your partner without undermining them. For example, “I’d love to play music right now, but Daddy needs to work” is a better explanation for your child than “Your Dad says we can’t play music right now. He’s no fun.”
Forget good cop, bad cop. No one’s “good” or “bad” for feeling one way or another. Learn to honor your individuality in front of your children while respecting your partner’s feelings (and your child’s). It will teach them to do the same.

I hope you’re ready to lay the myth of the united front to rest!

If you’d like to join a community of parents who don’t always agree but still support one another, check out the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group!

Didn’t I tell you they need to start Zoom school at 9? It’s 9:30!
How can you let them watch TV when I literally just said they can’t?!
Why do I feel like I’m doing everything and you’re doing nothing?

Sound familiar? You might find it increasingly challenging to manage working from home, keeping house, and playing teacher to your kid. And because of that, your relationship with your parenting partner may be on the rocks.

Here are 5 ways to help you repair that relationship and become a better parenting partner:

2. Practice effective communication. Sighs, grunts, and eye-rolls aren’t effective ways to communicate. Kind, clear communication is crucial to raising healthy and secure kids. Instead of yelling “You never help me when I need you to!”, try (calmly) saying, “I feel overwhelmed because I have a meeting in five minutes. Can you help me by [insert your specific request]?”
3. Be strategic. Treat your parenting tasks like business goals, especially when issues arise. Create a schedule. Prepare an agenda. Have objectives. Exchange relevant information with your partner and keep them in the loop. Work together to come up with solutions.

3. Cultivate an atmosphere of respect. One of the fundamental values of conscious parenting is communicating with respect. As parenting partners, you need to model that behavior in how you talk to, and about, each other. Avoid trash-talking your partner or undermining their authority, especially in front of your child.

4. Agree to be consistent. It’s confusing for a kid to continually shift from one set of rules and expectations to another. Apply consistency to bedtime, chores, and study and play periods. Get on the same side about what’s permitted and what isn’t. Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them and be consistent.

5. Chill out. Overextending yourself in too many directions makes you tired, overwhelmed, and cranky. For the sake of your partner, your child, and yourself, make sure you create time in your schedule to kick back and relax. Even a few minutes of quiet time makes a difference.

When sticking to these guidelines feels challenging, remember the ultimate goal: to raise happy, healthy children. And that can only be achieved when the parenting team—you and your partner—are happy and healthy too.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

Control. Do you feel yourself longing for it lately? 

When life feels uncertain, we often respond by grasping for control in any way possible. You hyperfocus on cleaning up the house.   You micromanage a project at work.   You criticize your spouse for the way they do…just about anything.

And you try to get your kid to “behave.” 

The belief that we should control our children, that they need to act according to our wishes, usually comes from a deep-seated belief passed down from our own childhood. And when our kids don’t do what we think they should do, we take it personally:

They’re driving ME crazy. 

They’re making ME frustrated. 

They’re not listening to ME.

via GIPHY

We’re tuned into how our kids make us feel, but what about them? 

If they’re not listening to you, who are they listening to? 

The answer is that they’re listening to something inside themselves. It’s their inner voice, the one that tells them how they feel and what they want to do next. 

Granted, what they want to do next might be:

• throw a temper tantrum
• ride a scooter through the house, or 
• sneak out after curfew. 

I’m not suggesting you let your child do whatever they want. The opposite of control isn’t chaos. It’s consideration. 

When you consider your kid, you acknowledge that their desires and needs are different than your own. I call that the “inner no.” When your child says “no” to you, they’re saying “yes” to something inside themselves.

“When your child says ‘no’ to you, they’re saying yes to something inside themselves.”

Developing a sense of self is important for your kid. You want to raise a confident adult who’s able to advocate for what they need. But without the right guidance, you’ll probably default to trying to control your child’s behavior, which undermines their self-confidence. 

Every parent I’ve worked with has made the mistake of trying to control their child in some way. But you can change your behavior and transform your relationship. (And incidentally, your child will probably start listening to you more often!)

If making this change is important to you, then I highly recommend you watch my free webinar, 3 Common Mistakes Parents Make and How to Reverse Them. Letting go of control isn’t easy, but I’m confident that the techniques you’ll learn can help you get there.