Have you ever told a story that means something to you, only to realize the person you were speaking to was looking at their phone the whole time, not paying attention to a word you said? You probably felt like they didn’t value you or care about what was important to you. You’re not alone. It can be infuriating!

Distracted behavior in an everyday conversation is frustrating and disappointing, but during an important negotiation the consequences can be dire. This holds true for your personal and professional negotiations, whether you’re bargaining over what movie to watch with the kids or negotiating multi-million dollar business deals.

Listening intently is especially vital in professional settings where success directly depends on the ability to communicate effectively. This skill is at the heart of HERsuasion™: the Art of Feminine Negotiation.  When we practice active listening, we tune out all of the distractions surrounding us, allowing us to focus on ensuring the other person feels truly heard and understood. Ultimately, this critical skill gives you the edge in any negotiation.

What Is Passive vs. Active Listening

Listening demands silence: you literally have to stop talking in order to observe the other person in the conversation. While receiving information itself requires temporarily taking on a passive role, the active part of listening refers to how you respond to that information.

Passive listening involves paying attention to the words the speaker uses (and doesn’t use), remaining open to new ideas and perspectives, reserving judgment, and devoting your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting what someone is saying back to them to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening.

Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it, be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently or persuasively than they did themselves. While this may see counter-intuitive, it can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes.

Strong active listeners form a thorough understanding of what other people are saying and in turn make them feel seen, heard, and understood.

How to Become a Better Listener

Becoming a better listener begins with paying attention to the person who’s talking to you. The trick here is to focus on nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and momentum of speech. These nonverbal cues hint at the speaker’s attitude, positioning us to empathize and meet them at their level. Picking up on whether someone is frustrated, resistant, or cheerful allows us to adapt as listeners and negotiators.

Believe it or not, noticing nonverbal cues is a lot less complicated than it sounds. You know more than you think you do! Research suggests that even babies too young to master language have a basic understanding of nonverbal communication.

Beyond focusing on the speaker, be intentional with your own behaviors to show you’re engaged in the conversation even if you’re not speaking:

Show interest. The speaker wants to know you’re engaged, so use body language that demonstrates attentiveness, like leaning in, smiling, and nodding. Face the person you’re talking to directly, rather than turning away from them. Consider your arms: are they crossed or relaxed? Rely on your own body language to communicate interest but be cautious: fidgeting can be perceived as impatience, disinterest, or even disrespect, so try to keep your body fairly still.

Make appropriate eye contact. Eye contact suggests that you’re focused. Try to make consistent eye contact without lingering or staring, as that can be awkward or intimidating. Importantly, note the speaker’s eye contact. If they avoid looking you directly in the eye, they may be sensitive or uncomfortable. Shifting their gaze might better allow them to process information. The more you can observe and adapt, the better the conversation will go.

Avoid interruptions and distractions. Interruptions like clicking your pen or checking your phone immediately disrupt the flow of conversation. Remove all possible physical disruptions. Additionally, avoid imposing your views or suggestions when the speaker is still taking their turn. Interjecting your own words can throw someone off balance and distract them from completing a thought.

Be comfortable with silence. Always pause to allow the speaker (and yourself!) to collect their thoughts. Conversations and negotiations should not be verbal sparring matches: you don’t always have to jump in, reply, or comment. Providing a moment of grace can even work to your advantage. Let the other person divulge their solutions, ideas, thoughts, and concerns before you give up yours.

Accommodate different learning styles. Everyone absorbs information differently. Acknowledge auditory, visual, verbal, or kinesthetic learners by attending to their specific learning style and meeting them on their level. Some people are quick to absorb new concepts, while others may take more time to process information. Be respectful of their needs. Likewise, avoid the urge to conclude people’s thoughts and ideas for them. Trying to help somebody along might actually stifle their self-expression.

Enforce the 80/20 rule. Listen, listen, listen! As a rule of thumb, 80% of your conversation should involve you listening to the other person compared to just 20% talking. Devote the majority of your conversation to listening, observing those critical nonverbal cues, and confirming your understanding of the speaker’s point of view.

Once you’ve listened and absorbed the speaker’s ideas, look for opportunities to build onto what they’ve said before sharing your own perspective and ideas. The speaker will feel respected and heard—and that will reflect positively on your patience and empathy.

The Value of Listening in Negotiation

The most valuable tool in negotiation is the ability to truly understand the other person’s needs and desires. To get what you want, you must know what drives you (what I call your “why”) and balance that against the other person’s desires (their “why”).

An expert negotiator listens intently to the other person’s “why” and capitalizes on its intersection with their own “why.”

Traditional workplace environments celebrate a confrontational negotiation style that’s inherently combative. People make the mistake of assuming they know the other person’s intentions and then communicate without really ever listening. Neither party feels heard, minimizing the chances of reaching a solution even when one is readily available.

In my free No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook, I outline steps to approaching negotiation without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R). One of the classic ways Ego presents itself is talking too much instead of listening. Rambling on is troubling for a number of reasons, as it can suggest uncertainty or even monopolization of a topic. If you’re talking too much, you aren’t listening, and you certainly aren’t negotiating on the winning side.

A Salesforce survey shows that business leaders attract more support when they empower their employees by listening and making them feel heard. There are enormous benefits to demonstrating that you can listen. We all want to know that our position is being thoughtfully considered and respected!

The better you understand what someone else wants, the more skillfully you can negotiate. Practicing active listening ensures that you always know where the other party stands. Want to learn more? Download my No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook or reach out directly for a consultation!

Envision a scenario in which two equally capable women enter a boardroom to compete for a potential new client.

Woman 1 is bold and assertive, taking control of the situation to make sure that she pitches first. She neatly outlines a carefully developed plan and emphasizes that she can work independently.

Woman 2 waits patiently for Woman 1 to finish, listening intently and observing the potential client’s reactions. When it’s her turn, she begins by first asking the client for their ideas, hopes, and concerns for his business. She absorbs this information and offers a flexible, collaborative approach to solving the client’s problems and building a trusting, professional relationship.

Did you notice the difference between these two approaches? Which woman do you think made a better impression?

Woman 1 chose a traditionally masculine approach, using her dominant energy to take charge of the pitch and drive her proposal forward. Woman 2 used an entirely different technique, leaning into her feminine energy to listen and collaborate with the client throughout the proposal process.

As a negotiation expert and coach for ambitious women, I’m often challenged to explain the concept of a masculine versus feminine negotiating style. I want to convey first and foremost that the way I see it, the terms masculine and feminine have very little to do with gender itself. Rather, we all have masculine and feminine energy that we can tap into depending on our mindset—we simply have to learn when and how to access that energy to our full advantage.

(Truthfully, I believe these gendered terms will soon become anachronisms. Society is gradually starting to distance itself from gender norms taking a much more inclusive, gender-neutral view of the world. But that’s a topic for a different day. For now, “masculine” and “feminine” are the terms we have, so we must use them accordingly.)

Using Masculine and Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Society has always framed negotiation in favor of masculinity, perpetuating the assumption that traits like aggressiveness and competition are inevitable harbingers of success. If you think about it, women were excluded from many professional settings until fairly recently, leaving men to establish these environments in accordance with their traditionally “male” characteristics.

Unfortunately, these masculine characteristics still dominate the workplace, conditioning men and women to eschew feminine negotiating traits like rapport building, empathy, and flexibility for the sake of conforming to society’s male-centric business culture. While the push toward gender equality in the workplace has made incredible strides in the past several decades, feminine energy remains significantly devalued in comparison to masculine energy.

And yet, regardless of what we’ve all learned to accept as the norm, the fact is that feminine traits are immensely valuable—especially in the workplace.

The Power of Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Feminine qualities are key to successful negotiations. But don’t just take my word for it. Let the research speak for itself.

In The Athena Doctrine: How Women (and the Men who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio expertly detail an important, wide-ranging study asking a diverse set of people to qualify values and leadership traits as masculine, feminine, or neutral. Their findings unequivocally reveal that traditionally feminine traits are considered more advantageous in business settings than the “macho paradigm” (their words!) typically associated with negotiating.

The study showed that instead of masculine assertiveness and competition, people actually value cooperation, long-term thinking, and flexibility in negotiation—traditionally feminine traits that were previously perceived as weaknesses in the business world.

Looking back at our example of the two women competing for a potential new client, it’s clear that Woman 2 was onto something when she opted for a more traditionally feminine approach!

How does it feel to learn that the feminine energy you’ve been conditioned to suppress in professional settings is ostensibly more valuable than the masculine energy you’ve struggled to emanate and express? Liberating, isn’t it? This realization was certainly a game-changer for me personally and professionally, and it inspired me to launch Women on Purpose.

Now, it’s my mission to encourage women and men alike to shift their thinking from the masculine, competitive, tough mindset to a softer, feminine mentality of building bridges, collaboration, and trust.

Using Feminine Qualities to Your Advantage in Negotiation

We all have masculine and feminine qualities—and both can be valuable when negotiating for what we want. So let go of those sexist stereotypes trying to convince you that femininity is synonymous with weakness, and start recognizing your feminine traits for what they really are: your greatest strengths.

Reclaiming your feminine energy in the workplace will help you:

Get better results. People are inclined to negotiate with someone who is cooperative. When you show that you’re flexible and open to new ideas, you form stronger professional relationships and build trust quickly.

Find more creative solutions. We harness our feminine energy when we forge alliances and emphasize teamwork. Collaboration opens us to ideas we may not have generated on our own, ultimately yielding the best outcomes.

Make the world a better place. When we stifle our feminine energy, we pigeonhole ourselves and limit our potential—and that applies outside the workplace, too! Flexibility, cooperation, and empathy are immensely valuable in bringing people together as a force for good.

Are you ready to reclaim the true power of your feminine qualities in the workplace and beyond? Let’s connect to discuss more strategies for using feminine energy to your advantage!

Have you been conditioned to believe that concessions—trade-offs that involve conceding or compromising during a negotiation—are signs of weakness? It’s time to dispel this myth once and for all.

Effective negotiation is a dynamic process of give and take. While it’s true that concession is the act of yielding, skilled negotiators strategically plan for this inevitability.

As with most aspects of negotiation, your intention is the key to success. When you’re proactive and plan in advance, you’ll avoid being caught off guard and yielding the wrong things.

First Things First: Know Your BATNA

Before entering any negotiation, it’s important to know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Identifying your BATNA gives you a clear sense of your options in the event that you don’t get a deal.

To see what a BATNA looks like in action, let’s take the example of shopping for a new item that’s a pretty big investment: a car, appliance, even a pair of designer shoes!

When you’re making a major purchase, you’ll typically look at a number of factors—with price being a major point of consideration. If the item you’re looking to purchase has an offered price that’s above the price you know you can get elsewhere, then you potentially have a strong BATNA.

Notice that I used the word potentially. Why? Because price isn’t the only factor that matters! People often get stuck on comparing only price and end up walking away when in fact their BATNA isn’t as strong as they initially thought it was.

Say you’re purchasing a washing machine and trying to decide between two competitors. Machine A is $1,000 and Machine B is $1,200. On its face, it looks like Machine A is a better deal. Conventional BATNA wisdom advises that if you’re negotiating for Machine B, you know that Machine A is your BATNA. According to this approach, if you can’t get the price for Machine B below $1,000, then you can walk away knowing your best alternative is better.

Well, I say to heck with conventional wisdom! Price shouldn’t be your only consideration in determining your BATNA. Machine A may cost $200 less, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better deal. What if Machine B comes from a trusted supplier, offers a better warranty, and has a special delicate cycle so that you won’t have to hand-wash your intimates ever again? Those factors alone may be worth $200!

Ultimately, that’s for you to decide. BATNA can be very personal—and there’s no right or wrong answer. What constitutes a best alternative for you will depend on how you weigh the various factors at play.

So, how do you determine your BATNA? 

It’s important to do your homework. Ideally before any negotiation, you’ll contemplate, explore, and list all the alternatives available to you if the negotiation fails. You’ll evaluate these options and pick the one that would provide the best overall value to you. Now that you have your BATNA, you can meaningfully set your bottom line.

When used effectively, BATNAs provide significant bargaining power—but that power goes both ways, so consider the other side’s BATNA as well.

How to Effectively Use Concessions in Negotiations 

Once you’ve figured out your BATNA, you’ll be in a much better position to plan your concession strategy and ultimately get what you want:

• • Consider the “why.” During the give-and-take of negotiation, there will likely be trade-offs on both sides. Consider priorities—not only yours, but the other party’s as well. Similarly, consider the “why:” the emotional underpinning that motivates you and the person you’re negotiating with. What concessions can you afford to give without losing your needs? How can you meet the other side’s “why” without sacrificing your own?
  • Time concessions strategically. Many negotiation instructors will tell you to always make the other side give the first concession, but my approach to timing is different: so long as you’ve done your work in advance and planned for your concessions mindfully, it’s okay to vary the timing. There are even situations when it may be more effective to offer the first concession. Either way, when your position is strong and you’re well-prepared for the negotiation, nobody is going to move you unless you want to be moved.
  • Pace yourself. Studies suggest that people react more favorably to concessions that are doled out in increments rather than all at once, so avoid giving all your concessions too early. Keep some in your back pocket to produce as trade-offs for something important that may come up during the negotiation. You should also avoid offering too big a concession too early in the negotiation. This common mistake can signal that you don’t believe your own demands are realistic.

• Make sure there’s reciprocity. Is the other side giving concessions to match yours? Women often make the mistake of expecting others to know what we want and need, and this assumption usually results in us getting neither. So don’t be afraid to ask for reciprocity—especially if the other side isn’t volunteering it! Express what you want. Identify your concession and suggest an appropriate reciprocal concession. Unless you have a good tactical reason to do so, never give back-to-back concessions without anything in return.
• Offer contingent concessions. If you’re uncertain that your bargaining partner will reciprocate, signal that you’re prepared to give x if they’re prepared to give or do y. When used sparingly, contingent concessions can build trust and credibility to help move the negotiation forward.

These tips will give you the foundation to start using concessions to your advantage. Above all else, remember to be intentional in how you handle your concessions. I have full confidence that when you plan ahead and harness your true intentions, you’ll be successful in your next negotiation.

Want to learn more negotiation strategies for getting what you deserve in life?

Negotiate What You’ll Tolerate in Your Career—and What You Won’t

Have you ever had a moment where the constant ringing or pinging of your phone makes you want to toss it out the window?

The pressures of a demanding job are stressful enough during “normal” times. Compounded with the challenges of a pandemic that has disproportionately impacted women, it’s easy to feel like you’re drowning with no rescue in sight.

Boundaries between work and home life are more blurred than ever, with many women working and living in the same space. And when you’re hooked into work every moment of the day (and night), the demands of email, Zooms, phone calls, and Slack are a never-ending burden.

Constrictive Gender Norms Pressure Women to “Do It All”

Women tend to accept the inevitability of impossible deadlines and a mounting to-do list, weighed down in part by the old, sexist mantra that a woman must work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same recognition and respect. We’ve been conditioned to do everything: from working a full-time job to running the house to looking after the kids.

While it can feel like a badge of honor to keep all those balls in the air, your beliefs may be holding you back from setting reasonable expectations for your workload. That’s right: the first step in dealing with overwhelm at work isn’t to cut your hours, ask for more time off, or ask your manager to revise your job description. Those asks can be an extremely important part of your plan to negotiate what you’ll tolerate in your career, but the first negotiation you need to have is with yourself.

Renegotiating Your Mindset About Your Career

I’ve written a whole series about negotiating your mindset, and how your negotiation with yourself is truly the most important one you’ll ever have. Before you can go to your employer, or your clients, and ask to make a change in your relationship with them, you need to understand what it is that you really want.

In other words, what are you willing to tolerate at work? Are you willing to work weekends so you have flexibility during the week to go to your favorite yoga class? Are you willing to take early morning calls as long as you can pick your kid up from daycare by 3 pm? Are you willing to spend 20% of your time on administrative tasks that bog you down as long as 80% of your time is spent doing fulfilling work you really love? The answers will be different for everyone.

I’d also invite you to consider what you won’t tolerate: more work than you can reasonably handle, unrealistic expectations about deadlines, colleagues and managers who don’t treat you respectfully.

And finally, bring your negotiation back to how you treat yourself. Can you give yourself permission to not say yes to every request you get from your team? To be less than 100% polished and prepared every now and then? If so, you’re in the right headspace to take tactical steps toward negotiating a work life that’s less stressful and more enjoyable.

6 Practical Ways to Feel Less Overwhelmed at Work

There are practical ways to manage work-related stress and burnout, from mindful coping mechanisms that get you through a tough day to holistic preventative solutions. These tips will help you negotiate work life, home life, and even some time for yourself.

I advise the powerful women I coach to:

• Practice mindful breathing. Focusing your attention on your breath is one of the most powerful ways to ground yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Best of all, you can practice this calming technique right in the middle of the office and your colleagues will be none the wiser! In my programs, I teach the 4x4x4x4 technique, otherwise known as box breathing: breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold for four counts, repeat.
• Get out in nature. When you’re struggling to find calm within yourself, getting out in nature can help you find your center—and you only need five minutes to reap the stress-reducing benefits! Touch a tree or feel the grass with your bare feet. This tactile sensation reconnects you with the earth, literally grounding you and producing feelings of deep relaxation.
• Create a plan of action. When you work a demanding job, it can be hard to step back and look at the bigger picture, but setting aside time to plan will actually help make you more efficient. It will make it easier for you to stay focused on your priorities instead of inadvertently taking on somebody else’s agenda. You’ll also train your mind to focus on the positives and set achievable goals.
• Use the 80/20 rule. Once you’ve figured out your plan of action, use the 80/20 rule to prioritize tasks that have the greatest impact on your future. The idea is that 20% of the activities we do stand for 80% of the results we produce. For example, if you have a list of 10 actions, 2 of those actions will have a more significant effect on your future than the other 8 combined. Start by identifying a high-priority task and commit to completing it.
• Delegate your work. Women often fall into the trap of taking on more than they can practically handle—at work and at home. While it can be empowering to feel like you’re superwoman, trying to do too much easily leads to burnout. Passing on tasks that you know someone else can accomplish frees up your time and your mind.
• Eliminate what isn’t necessary. Do you really need to complete your to-do list today? You can feel a sense of failure if you don’t finish everything you have written down. If the work you have to complete isn’t urgent and time-sensitive, give yourself a moment to come up for air.

Tapping into your own natural skills to negotiate your work-life balance can ease the feeling of being overwhelmed, empowering you to push past limiting beliefs that may be holding back your potential. You’ll probably even feel less inclined to throw your phone out the window!

If you’d like additional guidance on reclaiming your power, let’s connect. I can’t wait to hear from you.

Do you suffer from the curse of ‘not enough’? If so, you’re not alone. This curse shows up in a number of ways – from how you value yourself to what it takes for you to feel fulfilled. Because the feeling is uncomfortable, chances are you don’t deal with it … or even acknowledge it. This is a mistake. Unresolved issues around your worth will dog you and hold you back from reaching your full potential. Like a governor on a snowmobile, it will slow you down.

It will translate to a lifetime of self-sabotaging behaviors.

On the one hand, many women are held back in their businesses and in life by baggage around worthiness. It’s no surprise considering it’s still recent history that women weren’t allowed to own property, hold credit, vote or even be recognized as persons in the eyes of the law. When you’re treated as ‘less than’, it’s easy to buy into a belief system that you are ‘less than’.

If you take a moment to think of the consequences of that conditioning, it’s easy to see that if you succumb to feelings of ‘not enoughness’ you aren’t likely to command the pricing, salaries, compensation, clients or relationships you deserve in life. If you can’t own your worth and value internally, how do you expect to project it externally to attract and negotiate for more of what you desire and deserve?

At the other end of the ‘not enough’ dilemma, if you don’t own your internal value with unshakable conviction, you’re likely to go through life trying to get more ‘things’ to establish your merit. Many suffer from the misguided ‘If I just had more, I’d be worth more’ delusion. This scarcity mindset typically results in a lifetime of dissatisfaction as no matter how much you amass, it will never seem to be enough. You will fall into a pattern of comparison where you always see yourself coming up short in some way. Tied to that, is often a fear mindset pattern – fear of losing what you have, fear of not having enough, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged inadequate or ‘not enough’.

I noticed recently that this issue keeps coming up in my interviews for my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ PODCAST series. That’s a sure sign of the significance of the issue. Many of the experts in the women’s empowerment and/or women’s entrepreneurship thought leadership space speak to the critical importance of owning your worth as the starting point to all success.

Check out these episodes to get your healthy injection of self-worth and how to use it to up-level your success in life.

Master Business Coach, Jeanna Gabellini, spoke to the importance of mastering this mindset in our recent Negotiating Your Pricing and Winning Over Ideal Clients episode. Check out that episode to uncover how to liberate yourself from the curse of ‘not enough’ and other game-changing mindset shifts to catapult your business to the next level of success.

Heather Hansen, CEO of Advocate to Win, uncovers how to develop your credibility as the antidote to ‘imposter syndrome’ and tips on ways to improve your self-advocacy, increase your belief in yourself and choose how you show up every day in our Negotiating For Yourself: You Are Your Own Best Advocate episode.

Billionaire brand queen, Tracy Holland shared secrets on how to up-level your powerhouse mindset in our Negotiating Your Way to Powerhouse episode. Discover how to get CEO-level confidence, coming from a place of feminine power. Uncover the key to negotiating with yourself first and how to avoid split energy holding you back from your most powerful self and success.

The Investor Warrior, Kari Lyke, opened us to the possibility of powerful real estate investment using feminine strengths to your advantage for authentic acquisition and exit strategies in our Negotiating to Success as a Woman Investor episode.

CEO of Worth International, Dr. Kelly Schuh, is igniting a Women’s Worth Worldwide movement committed to women entrepreneurs claiming their true worth. In our A Woman’s Worth: Non-Negotiable episode, she shared secrets from her Queen of Worth Sales System, teaching women to grow their businesses while playing to their feminine strengths of faith over fear, collaboration over compensation, and abundance over scarcity. Uncover the obstacles holding women back and how to address them to break through the glass ceilings of what’s possible.

In our Negotiating Your Confidence by Seeing Your Own Beauty episode, award-winning photographer, Marta Perales, shares her insights on why women lose confidence in themselves and a unique way they can reclaim their unshakable confidence.

Mother of 9 and powerhouse CEO of Local Choice Spirits, Paula Dezzutti, blew us away with her insights in our Negotiating Your Value in a Male-Dominated Industry episode. We explored everything from living life on purpose, to feminine innovation, being heard, negotiating value, raising capital and balance in life.

Clearly, there’s a lot to think about when it comes to standing in our value and owning our worth. If any of these episodes resonate with you, and you’re ready to soar to step into your best self, be sure to check them out, share them with other powerful women who could benefit and subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes. And, of course, we wouldn’t say no to a 5-star rating or review.