Category: Growth

Negotiating from a place of calm will get you better outcomes, better relationships, and better buy-in. Yet we rarely invest the time to ensure that we achieve this state in advance of our negotiations. This is a mistake. Our first and most important negotiation is negotiating our own mindset and familiarizing ourselves with techniques to show up from a place of calm is a key part of that process.

Last week, after interviewing Dr. Annie White (author of The Calm Code: Transform Your Mind, Change Your Life) on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast, I kick-started this series on how to negotiate from a place of calm, sharing a special visualization technique advocated by Dr. White that allows you to start retraining your neural pathways to find the calm.

As promised, this week I’m sharing three additional simple ways you can start to calm your nervous system on the spot to have those new messages imprint more deeply.

I  Create a photo album

We’re human. We sometimes get in a state, considering worst-case scenarios. This is not a strong place from which to negotiate. So, if you find yourself in one of these negative states in a negotiation (or leading up to the negotiation), in that moment, forget about the negotiation.

Instead, make an album of pictures in your mind that make you feel calm, happy (or any positive emotion). In fact, ideally, I invite you to create an actual album of these photos on your phone right now. You can choose animal photos, beach photos, sunsets … whatever takes you to a calm place.

Then, next time you’re in this tizzy about anything, bring out your personal feel-good photo album, set your timer, and go through it for three minutes. In that way you start to train and strengthen these pathways in your mind, so that, over time, they become stronger. Then you won’t just default to the negative or the stress anymore.

II  Breathe Through Your Left Nostril

If you’re in a stressful moment (i.e., if you feel your breaths becoming shorter, more shallow, quicker, closer together, you’re going into stress response), put your left hand on your chest and say to yourself, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Then take that left hand and move it down to your lower belly. As you breathe in, feel your lower belly extend out toward the opposite wall, as you continue to say, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.”

And the secret weapon to this process, according to Dr. White, is to then take your right index finger, cover your right nostril, breathe in and out only through your left nostril. As you breathe deeply, keep saying, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Scientific studies show that breathing in and out only through the left nostril activates your calm or parasympathetic nervous system and it calms you down faster. Who knew?!

III  Ground Yourself

Before you go into a negotiation, imagine a big gold ball at the bottom of your spine. Then, pull all the emotions you want to feel at the end of the negotiation (as discussed in last week’s article) into that gold ball.

Imagine that gold ball turning into a gold rope that goes all the way down into the center of the earth, and all of those emotions go down that cord into that spot in the earth’s center where mother earth is surrounding them with her beautiful hands in support.

Also ask yourself who do you want to show up as in the negotiation. What emotions do you want to carry into the conversation? Do you want to bring love? Understanding? Support? Add these positive emotions into that grounding cord to be a touchstone for you.

If you start to feel off-center during the negotiation, or like things are getting out of your control, you can quickly visualize this grounded golden ball for a few seconds to regain your balance.

Confidence is key in negotiations. Nervousness and anxiety detract from confidence. Practicing these simple tips will help to calm and ground you so you can show up with more confidence in your negotiations and get better outcomes as a result. And not only do they make you feel better in the moment, but they also strengthen those part of your mind every time you use it by creating new, more positive, neural pathways that better serve you.

How to Negotiate From a Place of Calm Part 1

Have you ever negotiated when you were agitated or off your game? How did that work out for you? If you’re like most people, it didn’t end well. How you show up for a negotiation will profoundly impact on the outcomes you’re able to get. The more intentional you can get about creating a sense of calm as you enter a negotiation, the more you’ll get best results.

Recently, I interviewed Dr. Annie White, author of The Calm Code: Transform Your Mind, Change Your Life. I am a big believer that negotiating our mindset is our first and most important negotiation, so Dr. White’s message resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you.

This is the first in a 3-part series about some simple techniques you can use to approach your negotiations from a place of calm.

Most people think negotiation is simply about the give and take between the people in the conversation. In fact, it starts well before that ever takes place.

Visualization

Dr. White advocates starting with a visualization technique. However, she distinguishes between visualizing the outcome you want versus visualizing the emotions you want to feel as a result of it. Target the emotions first. How do you want to feel after that negotiation? Do you want to feel successful and proud? Ground yourself in those emotions.

Be sure to visualize feeling good about what the other person is getting, too. It’s not just about what we’re getting out of a negotiation. We’re helping to negotiate something for them that’s going to improve their business or their life. Be excited about the prospects for them.

Take these emotions and imagine a situation where this negotiation is going to take place. Is it going to be over the phone, zoom or in person? Toss in as many sensory details as you can to get your subconscious into the moment of the conversation.

Then imagine the conversation in as much detail as possible. As you’re thinking about the conversation, make sure it ignites the excitement, pride, and other feelings you wanted to feel. Emphasize those benefits.

At the end, do a triple thanks and affirmation. i.e. “Thank you, thank you, thank you that they loved the deal and I’m excited about how it turned out.”

Visualization is one of the techniques you can use to physically train your mind to be calmer and happier. Yes, I said train your brain. Many people believe that we’re stuck with our old conditioning and patterns. Science has established that we can actually reroute the neural pathways in our brains.

Think of it like an air traffic controller. If you’re in charge of routing all the planes with a major airline carrier, you need to make sure all the passengers get where they need to go on the planes that are taking them there. You design the flight paths and their connections.

Now think of the passengers as your thoughts, and the flight paths and connections as the neural pathways and the synapses, which are the connections between them. Instead of booking them all to Stressville, why not book them to Calm Town? Simply make more paths and connections to Calm Town and disintegrate the pathways and connections to Stressville. Every single thought, action, and emotion strengthens or wires your mind along these corresponding pathways in your brain.

Be prepared for some pushback reflex as you create these new connections. But as you train your mind to be more calm and happy than stressed and negative, your thoughts will more easily go to the positives instead of the negatives.

Join us next week as we explore two further simple methods to help you hold the calm when you negotiate so you can get better outcomes.

Who is in the proverbial driver’s seat in today’s world of salary negotiations? Experts can’t seem to agree on who holds the balance of power in the wake of COVID. Everyone was talking about the Great Resignation and the new leverage this gave employees negotiating compensation packages. Then, as quickly as we settled into that purported new reality, talk of a major recession had employers tightening their belts. Some thought that gave clout back to employers, while others thought it made it tougher to attract and retain top talent.

What if, instead of approaching these negotiations as a power dynamic where one party holds power over the other, you approached it as a collaborative process, seeking to find maximum power together? This collaborative versus competitive approach lies at the heart of The Art of Feminine Negotiation™. When you seek to understand and meet the needs of your employees, ironically, you’ll get more of what you want.

The world has changed. Employers who want to thrive (and not just survive) need to look at new ways of doing things. Think of the Great Resignation as the Great Reset – a golden opportunity.

Get curious about what employees want and need. Invite open dialogue and allow the space for meaningful input. Be open to accept honest, hard-hitting feedback about the corporate culture and where the organization may be falling down. Welcome constructive feedback about what’s missing. Reward it.

Employees are seeking greater flexibility these days (in terms of hours of work, working from home, range of duties, etc.) They want wellness initiatives in the workplace and greater work-life harmony.

Progressive employers recognize the need to create an inclusive culture, where everyone sees themselves as a valuable part of the larger mission. They encourage a team approach. Employees are increasingly driven by a desire for purpose. Having employees operate in individual silos (both in terms of duties and information) undermines feelings of belonging and accordingly sabotages long-term loyalty.

By contrast, creating a purpose-driven approach to the work of the organization builds a beautiful symbiosis that advantages both the employer and its employees. Smart employers build an eco-system that is finely tuned to move toward the highest good for the organization and the individuals who make up the workforce. Be clear about the organization’s mission. Inspire a sense of purpose for all positions and be clear how each person and position fits in the big picture. In that way, employees will have a sense of being part of the bigger vision (which creates incentive and motivation).

The key, as an employer, is setting employees up for success. Ensure clarity of expectations and corresponding rewards. When it comes to negotiating compensation, have clarity around the process. This should not be a guessing game where employees are shooting at targets while blindfolded, or where the targets are constantly moving. Lack of clarity creates frustration, feelings of lack of appreciation, and/or feelings of ‘not enoughness’ – none of which foster peak performance. Employees should know what targets are expected so they can strive to meet them, knowing there will be appropriate rewards at the end of the rainbow.

Creating transparency, accountability, and authenticity in the negotiation process should be the goal. Too often employers insist on secrecy around salary negotiations and encourage scarcity mindsets. While the rationale (trying to drive compensation packages down) is understandable, this approach is a mistake in the long run.

Rather than hiding compensation ranges and creating mistrust, competition, and resentment (as between employees and employer and as between employees), having transparent disparity in wages can work to everyone’s benefit. If higher compensation rewards are explained and employees see the possibility to shoot for more and can see the path to get there, motivation and incentive are increased (and productivity along with it).

Explain the full range of compensation options available. Most people focus on salary in negotiations. There is a world of possibility beyond simple salary. Consider titles, training opportunities (internal and external), profit-sharing, vacation, travel, allowances, and more.

Think outside the box. Find out what’s important to your employees. There may be valuable win-win options beyond straight salary. There may be greater rewards by lifting the shroud around salary discussions and opening up the negotiation process.

We’re hearing a lot of talk about toxic masculinity in recent years. Not surprisingly, it’s triggering a push-back reflex and causing some polarization on an issue where we need consensus. Second Gentleman Emhoff’s recent interview on MSNBC raised an interesting angle that isn’t being talked about … but should be if we want to heal the division and move toward a better future.

When the Second Gentleman was asked about masculinity, he responded by referencing ‘masculine toxicity’. It struck me that he didn’t say ‘toxic masculinity’ but rather ‘masculine toxicity’. It was an interesting language choice that got me thinking. Many would think it’s a distinction without a difference. I’m not even sure if Emhoff used the term intentionally. But for me, it was an important distinction.

When we speak of toxic masculinity, we’re using toxic as an adjective describing masculinity. It frames masculinity itself as the problem. By contrast, referring to the issue as masculine toxicity, clearly identifies toxicity as the problem. It’s not masculinity that is toxic. The toxicity is the problem. This is just one manifestation of toxicity … masculine is merely the adjective in this framing. There could equally be feminine toxicity, or geriatric toxicity, or corporate toxicity … you get the idea.

This is a subtle but profound shift. One that avoids finger-pointing and blaming. One that leaves space for less defensive reactions to the discussion. One that allows for thoughtful consideration of the impact of unconscious gender bias on men.

We’re in a period of transition with respect to perceived gender roles. Confusion is to be expected. A certain amount of pushback is to be expected.

Unconscious gender bias is a deeply conditioned undercurrent that impacts all our relationships. We often forget that it works both ways. Engrained biases exist not only against women, but also vis-a-vis men. Expectations around gender roles and perceived gender traits can pigeon-hole and victimize men as well as women.

Studies show that when young boys are shown a box labelled the ‘man box’ and asked what traits or qualities belong inside the man box versus outside, old stereotypes still show up. The boys consistently volunteer that ‘strong’, ‘brave’ and ‘don’t cry’ belong in the man box, whereas ‘gentle’ and ‘caring’ belong outside the box.

When you layer on generational conditioning and expectations that a man is to be the provider and protector, to be tough, to not show emotions or vulnerability, to portray anti-femininity, to seek & hold power, it’s not surprising that toxicity creeps in.

Further exacerbating the problem, based on this conditioning, myths evolve that set broader-based societal norms. It’s no surprise that we’ve come to define success based on a competitive, winner-take-all, domination model where toughness carries the day. Or that we’ve come to confuse assertive with aggressive. Or that we seek to exert power over others versus power with others.

The problem is still further exacerbated as women assume ‘power roles’, causing men operating under these biases to feel diminished and/or weak. Speaking from personal experience, when we moved up north unexpectedly, I needed to travel back and forth to the city to maintain my law firm. My husband stayed home with the kids during the transition. He was enjoying it until his friends started calling him ‘Mr. Mom’ and worse monikers that I can’t repeat here. It profoundly affected his sense of self.

We need to break through these gender expectations and biases. They don’t serve anyone. They’re unhealthy from both a mental health and societal perspective.

It was in part a recognition of the ongoing detrimental impact of these unconscious gender biases that served as the impetus for my Art of Feminine Negotiation book. I hope to help create a new paradigm, where we approach life from a place of collaboration over competition. Where we let go of ego and instead get curious, seeking to truly understand and meet the needs of others, even (and especially) when we disagree.

I sought to flip the script, to invite both men and women (and all the spaces in between) to recognize that we all have both masculine and feminine energies and to reframe their feminine as signs of strength rather than a liability. When we define success based on an almost exclusively masculine, competitive model, it’s not surprising that both men and women stifle their feminine, believing that’s the only path to succeed.

Ironically, when we invoke so-called feminine traits in negotiating our paths to success, we secure better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements, and more creative solutions. I sought to invite everyone to lean in to their feminine to bring our masculine and feminine energy back into balance … and in so doing, to bring the world back into balance.

Perhaps in so doing, we can open the space for more meaningful and productive dialogue. In focusing on the toxicity (rather than masculinity) we can avoid the blaming and shaming, and with it the pushback. If we neutralize the trigger, we can avoid an ‘us and them’ approach, bringing instead the openness and vulnerability to elevate the discussion and take an important step toward banishing gender bias in all its forms.

I’ve recently done several posts on negotiation lessons we can learn from popular T.V. shows. It’s a fun way to use real life scenarios as portrayed in our media to explore negotiation concepts (rather than a dry didactic lecture format). It’s also a great way to raise our awareness about the opportunities to learn and grow that abound in our everyday lives. We can use entertainment as a learning tool when we bring intention to the exercise.

I was watching one of my favourite comedies last night and was excited to see an episode that reinforced the principles I espouse in The Art of Feminine Negotiation™. If you’re not familiar with Modern Family, aside from the regular negotiation issues addressed, it’s a fabulous show reflecting modern dysfunctional family life.

In this episode, Phil (the happy-go-lucky son-in-law) has worked hard to negotiate a deal to buy a car for his eldest daughter for her 21st birthday. The patriarch (whose approval Phil is always seeking) prides himself on his negotiation prowess, and on his take-no-prisoners approach. He decides to tag along to show-off his skills and get a better deal than Phil had negotiated, chiding Phil for his ‘nice guy’ approach to deals.

It’s the classic illustration of the traditional competitive model that we’ve been conditioned to define as success versus the more collaborative style that I advocate (and that lies at the heart of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™).

Jay (the patriarch father-in-law) starts denigrating the deal Phil had negotiated and throwing out demands for further concessions. When the salesperson insists that Phil negotiated the best deal possible, Jay pushes back, insisting that there’s ‘wiggle room’ and trying to bully the salesperson into throwing more into the mix. In the face of insistence that the deal represents the bare bones bottom line, Jay insists he go to the manager. When the manager similarly refuses to budge, Jay insists they walk out, assuring Phil the sales rep will come running after them with further concessions … which doesn’t happen.

Jay then insists on going to another dealership, where they advise that the deal Phil had negotiated is unbeatable. Jay threatens to walk out, assuming the new dealer will buckle with a better offer. They don’t.

Jay then has to go back to the original dealership, cap in hand, trying to get the original deal back on the table. He comes back out, bragging that he got an even better deal with numerous perks through his tough negotiation strategies.

Turns out though that Jay couldn’t even get the original deal back on the table after walking away and ended up paying significantly more (which Phil only finds out from the frustrated sales rep).

There are several negotiating issues this scenario raises.

1. Phil’s more cooperative approach, building rapport and trust, allowed the space to get the best deal possible whereas the traditional competitive approach caused a stalemate with worse outcomes.

2. Jay’s competitive approach had him wanting to ‘win’ at all costs. He kept insisting on a ‘better deal’ and on getting ‘more’ but he didn’t have clarity about what that meant. It’s important to have clarity about the outcomes you seek in a negotiation.

3. While it’s valuable to set high aspiration levels coming into a negotiation (as Jay did), it’s important to do the homework and prepare first to know what a reasonable reservation price (bottom line) is.

4. Tied to reservation price, you need to know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) before you decide to play hardball and walk away from a deal that made sense for you.

5. Jay bullied for more without having done the work to determine where the ZOPO (zone of potential agreement) lay.

6. Ego is usually the kiss of death in negotiations. Jay’s ego trumped his ability to negotiate effectively. When you find your ego kicking in while negotiating, turn your attention to the other party and their needs.

7. It’s important to consider the needs of the other party in a negotiation. Jay never invoked curiosity. He failed to bring any empathy to the table. He didn’t ask a single question or make any effort to determine the needs of the dealership. This typically causes deals to fall apart or creates flawed outcomes.

8. While walking away from a deal can sometimes be effective, it’s critical to have done your homework first, and to consider whether you’ve become too attached to a particular item and lost the perspective to effectively consider whether the deal makes sense. In this case, Jay was so attached to the need to get ‘more’ he failed to review the benefits of the actual deal on the table.

In addition to these valuable lessons, it’s interesting to note the relationship negotiation that was occurring as a subtext to the main story line. We often fail to consider our personal relationships as requiring negotiations. All of life is a negotiation and our interactions with the people in our inner circle are no exception.

Phil surrounded all his leverage in this case, blindly handing over the reins to Jay in his desire to please him. I invite you to consider where you may be surrendering your power in your personal relationships. As in this case, a little self-advocacy and awareness of the underlying negotiation at play can allow for better outcomes and better relationships.

Spending time watching T.V. is typically seen as a time-waste. We beat ourselves up for kicking back and disengaging the brain. I invite you to consider that you can make this so-called downtime more productive by getting intentional about how you consume the product. Particularly if you’re looking to uplevel your negotiation skills, there’s loads of valuable lessons to be gleaned from your T.V. watching experience.

A while back I did an article on Lessons You Can Learn From the Hit New T.V. Show Partner Track. Turns out there was lots to learn (and think about) by going a layer deeper. More recently, I explored the lessons to be learned in the hit Spanish show, Alpha Males, in my post, Is the New ‘Feminine’ Approach to Negotiations Doomed to Failure?

Today, I thought I’d continue the theme by peeking behind the curtain of the show, For the People, which I just discovered (even though it aired in 2018 and sadly only ran for two seasons). The series follows 6 first year lawyers, half of whom are public defenders and half prosecutors. Not surprisingly, there’s loads of negotiation scenes in the show.

Last night I watched an episode where they focused on a character renowned for his negotiation prowess. At first, I could see why. He finessed the situation so the prosecutor ended up coming to his apartment after hours, where he had a bunch of home-baked pies ready – apparently a ploy he used regularly to great success. Using this ‘ah shucks’ folksy approach, he got what he wanted. There was some decent messages about negotiation in the mix.

Location is important – choose where to negotiate with care.

Determine in advance of the negotiation who you want to show up as and who the other party expects you to show up as. By flipping the expected role and script you can gain valuable traction.

Choose the when of your negotiations with intention to maximize best outcomes.

Be intentional about your language, tone, pacing and volume. The mood of a negotiation can be managed when you bring care to these elements.

A collaborative approach can often secure much better outcomes than a competitive approach.

Leaving aside the patent manipulation, his approach of collaboration is one I advocate. In fact, he invoked my 5W model in this scene to great effect. [For an exploration of my 5W model, check out my e-book, 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiation.] My book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation explores this new model at great length.

But then they showed a scene with a touching moment between the seasoned negotiator and our first year prosecuting protagonist. The purported negotiation expert had a conversation where he left his counterpart with a particular understanding, but then totally blind-sided him, undercutting him publicly in the media, taking an opposite position. The character tried to justify it on basis that ‘everyone wants to win so it gets tough’.

I did NOT see this as an example of effective negotiation. Arguably it constituted bad faith bargaining. He completely resiled from their discussion, twisting the conversation to his own ends. In my view, this type of approach, while it may seem to garner immediate benefits, is counter-productive.

Effective negotiators know that building trust is the cornerstone of the art. Building rapport is essential, not as a means to backstab the other party and take them by surprise, but rather, looking for long-term better buy-in, longer lasting agreements, better relationships and more creative mutually beneficial outcomes.

The short-sighted approach has a high cost (as it did in this episode). Trying to gain points through tactical misrepresentation causes a loss of integrity and corresponding lack of trust. In this case, as in real life, it caused backlash that bit him and his client in the proverbial butt in the end.

There can be much value in watching T.V. shows or movies if you bring intention to the table. It doesn’t have to be a mindless activity. Simply paying attention to the lessons portrayed, questioning the messages, and gleaning insights you can take away to improve your approach will make the time spent a worthwhile endeavour.

It doesn’t have to be a legal show. All of life is a negotiation so the airways are rife with examples to draw from. In fact, I’ll be doing an episode soon on favorite negotiation scenes from movies or TV shows, but for now, just wanted to tease the concept.

In Part I, we explored the perils of bowing down to expert advice or opinions without question. I used my experience (of having my concerns about my deteriorating hip discounted by medical experts) to share some valuable negotiating lessons I took away. Today, I’d like to continue that exploration.

We’d left off in my saga at the point where I’d finally insisted on getting an MRI after having been thrice dismissed by my doctor.

Note that we’re more likely to yield our power when dealing with issues for ourselves (versus for our loved ones). When my daughter had been diagnosed with a serious heart defect, for example, I was on the experts every day, questioning, challenging, insisting I get satisfactory answers and jointly agreed upon plans forward. When my son was diagnosed with a serious mental health issue, I pushed past a broken system to insist on getting the resources he needed and the access I sought.

This was also a lesson for me (and I hope a reminder to you) that our problems rarely pop up out of the blue. There are lead ups and warnings. When we leave them unaddressed, we invariably set ourselves up to have them build. I invite you to develop the habit of addressing issues in your life promptly. Don’t allow them to build momentum (like the proverbial snowball that triggers an avalanche). Address them head-on before they become crises. This is true whether dealing with a suspected health problem or business problem or relationship problem.

When I finally got my MRI and long-awaited referral to a specialist, I was told I needed surgery. I’d suddenly gone from repeated assurances (over 3 years of lobbying) that nothing was wrong to advice that I needed a full hip replacement. Apparently, I hadn’t learned my lesson about bringing assertiveness, intuition, and self-trust to the table as I blithely accepted this advice (after a mere 5 minutes with the surgeon).

While it was frustrating at the time, it turned out to be fortuitous that there was a wait for surgery as a plethora of varied opinions were about to come barrelling my way. My surgery was set to be scheduled for January but as that was my great Antarctic Adventure it was pushed to February. My hip went completely sideways (so to speak) in December, and I was scrambling to get some relief to get me through the trip. On that journey, I saw 2 chiropractors and an osteopath, all of whom had dramatically divergent views on how to deal with my situation.

I now had two surgeons who were adamant that I needed a full hip replacement, set against 3 other experts who were equally adamant that surgery was not my best option (although they all had diametrically opposed propositions on how to best deal with my problem). Chiropractor #1 said my hip was ‘an angry dog’ and we didn’t want to get the dog any angrier, so he suggested a gentle course of ongoing acupuncture, shock wave therapy and mild mobility exercises (almost all of which focused on my buttocks). The osteopath found that to be irrelevant. She focused on applying mild pressure on my abdomen and lower back as the path to recovery. And then I went to chiropractor #2 and everything changed.

He listened to my story and proceeded with what I can only describe as a prison boot camp regimen. I have a high pain threshold (which often gets me under-treated or under-diagnosed as in this hip saga scenario) but I almost walked out 5 minutes in. He pushed and pulled and stretched and cracked me to what seemed like my certain breaking point. I thought I’d stumbled upon a pain-seeking sociopath. And yet … his walls were adorned with no less than 100 signed accolades from professional and Olympic athletes he’d apparently worked with.

After an hour of what seemed like unending torture, he had me do the same exercises he’d done at the outset. And lo and behold, my range of motion had increased dramatically. I still hurt, but I could move more freely. Apparently, I’d needed some serious myofascial release amongst other unpleasant treatments.

So, who to believe? Which of these established reputable experts to trust? And that brings me to the final point of these lessons learned through my hip fiasco. The answer may well be ‘all and none’. What do I mean by that? The best advice is to first trust yourself. Tap into your inner knowing. Seek out various options, listen, experience them, pay attention to your own responses and trust your internal compass and inner feedback.

Expert advice is important. But don’t fall into the trap of blindly accepting such input. Don’t allow so-called experts (whether in the health arena, in litigation, in business, in personal interactions or beyond) to put your own negotiation practices on hold.

Do your preparation work. Trust in your preparation and don’t allow yourself to be brow-beaten or your confidence to be undermined simply because an expert or purported expert opinion has been presented by the other party in a negotiation. At the same time, be open to receiving new information to weigh as you go.

Negotiate your mindset. Decide who you want to show up as in the negotiation so you won’t be easily thrown off course. Show up with the confidence that comes from having done your preparation work. Allow yourself space to get the clarity you need about your desired outcomes. Remember that you can’t always control external elements, but you can control how you choose to react. And you control your reality, in part, by choosing the meaning you attach to external stimuli. Manage your fear, ego, attachment and reactivity.

[Check out my free No F.E.A.R. Negotiating ebook for more on my No F.E.A.R. model]

A surprise lesson for me from this experience that I wanted to share with you is that we are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes we need to push ourselves outside our comfort zone to get best results. I could barely walk before I left home, and yet I hiked volcanoes, rode zodiacs to penguin colonies and kayaked in the Antarctic (Southern) ocean. I plan to bring this lesson to my daily negotiations in life, both personally and professionally.

Step up. Be brave. Trust yourself before you seek to be trusted by others. Trust in your intuition. Get curious. Ask questions. Even when facing an expert, your input matters. Your perspective matters. Dig until you can reconcile what you believe with what you may hear. You deserve to trust and be satisfied with the outcomes you achieve.

My hip blew out 3 weeks before I was booked for my big adventure to Antarctica. It was the trip of a lifetime, so I wasn’t about to miss it. But I could barely stand upright. I certainly couldn’t walk a straight line as I cantilevered side to side with each step. I hoped it was true that Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

I needed to get this fixed … fast. I needed to get in and out of zodiacs, traipse among the penguins (while not wobbling like one), hike volcano floors, not to mention navigate the heaving ship crossing the infamous Drake Passage. Through this process, I learned some valuable lessons and was served up some powerful reminders about the importance of negotiating for ourselves in all areas of life … even if it means going up against experts. I thought I’d share them with you.

When faced with experts, whether personally or professionally, we often defer to their opinions. We’re less likely to even question positions put forward by proclaimed experts let alone challenge them. This practice does us a disservice. It’s important to explore and raise our awareness about how we interact with experts if we want to negotiate our best lives. My recent hip fiasco was a great reminder for me, and I hope a cautionary tale for you (or at least a thought-provoking exercise that gets you re-examining how you interact with experts).

When my hip kicked out, I started kicking myself as I was reminded about my subpar negotiation when the issue first arose. Because this hadn’t come out of nowhere. In fact, I’m embarrassed to admit that I first noticed twinges of a hip problem five years ago. To my credit, I did go to the doctor and voice my concerns. He did a bunch of flexibility & mobility tests and told me my hip was fine. I reminded him that I was hyper-flexible so perhaps mobility wasn’t the best indicator. I was confident something was wrong. He assured me I was wrong.

I went back the next year with the same complaint as the problem had escalated. I got the same reaction from my doctor and sidled away again with my tail between my legs. And it wasn’t until the next year, when the breathtaking hip kicks were happening more frequently that I insisted I be sent for an MRI. Note that my doctor was still telling me there was no way anything was wrong with my hip given my mobility and flexibility.

Let’s pause here for a moment. As an attorney I negotiate for a living. As the founder of Women On Purpose, creator of HERsuasion™, and author of the Wall Street Journal best-selling book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation™, I like to pride myself on my negotiation prowess. On top of that, I know my body. I knew something was off. My hip would kick out periodically, stopping me dead in my tracks and leaving me momentarily breathless. And yet I didn’t push back in the face of my doctor’s denial. Or not enough.

I should have known better. Heck, the ’A’ in my A.R.E. F.I.T. model is for ‘assertiveness’. And while I brought rapport-building and empathy to the table in my doctor’s visits, I apparently left my assertiveness out in the waiting room. This happens often when we deal with experts in a particular field. We yield our power.

We do this in our health care, in our businesses, in politics and our personal lives. Even when our intuition tells us we’re right. We doubt ourselves. We stifle the ‘I’ and the ‘T’ from our A.R.E. F.I.T. model – intuition and trust. While it’s important to learn to build trust in negotiations, it’s equally (if not more) important to trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Tap into your inner knowing.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Get curious. We rob ourselves of our effectiveness as negotiators when we don’t question. This is true whether dealing with our healthcare or business or beyond.

While I’m hesitant to raise the issue given its ongoing polarizing impact, COVID was a great example of this. Medical experts were touted in the media daily and these positions were uniformly accepted as irrefutable. Obvious questions were not being asked and much power was ceded. Yet, there were thousands of experts, with wildly divergent opinions and viewpoints on various aspects of this layered and complicated issue whose voices were not heard or meaningfully considered. As a result, many critical factors and long-term cross-over and ripple consequences were not discussed or considered as fully as one would have hoped.

This phenomenon is interesting and puzzling to me as history is replete with examples where hailed experts were later proven to be wrong. Experts believed the earth was flat and those who challenged the idea were ridiculed. Experts decried the idea that the earth rotated around the sun. Medical experts believed that leeches and bloodletting were legitimate cures for many ails. They also extolled that menopausal woman were suffering from hysteria and countless women were institutionalized as a result.

Had people not been willing to trust their own inner knowing, or at least pose questions to test and challenge and satisfy themselves, none of these profoundly mistaken belief systems would have changed. I raise this by way of encouraging you to face any hesitation you may feel in dealing with experts in your negotiations. Respect them, but recognize they are not infallible. Also, do your homework and come prepared to question, to challenge where appropriate, to learn, to grow, to seek best outcomes. Frankly, an expert who is not open to such dialogue ought to raise red flags.

Hopefully I’ve piqued your interest in exploring how you interface with experts in your negotiations. Stay tuned next week as we continue on this journey and I share more lessons learned on how to trust yourself in your negotiations, even and especially when negotiating with experts.

Is the new ‘feminine’ approach to negotiations (and life) a myth that is doomed to failure? Watching the new hit T.V. show, Alpha Males, reminded me of why I started down this path to reframe negotiations. It also got me to thinking about the challenges in making the transition. We’re facing a chicken and egg scenario where it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole if we don’t bring transparency, vulnerability, and intention to the dialogue (and process).

I built my reputation as an attorney based on an aggressive approach. My clients called me the Barracuda. I made people cry in cross-examination. I didn’t yield or cede. These were seen as my advantage and the source of my power and success. But there was a high cost that came with that approach. When I slowed down to explore its origins, I had my epiphany that everything we’ve been taught about success, power, conflict, and negotiation were based on myths that likely led to the current state of imbalance in the world. And so started my mission.

In my book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to Get What You Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom, I explore some of the deep-seated conditioning that led to the current competition-based model. I explore how that model disadvantages women and holds them back from stepping into the full force of their authentic power. My models are not gender-based and I believe they benefit men, women and all the spaces in between.

And so, I agonized over whether to use the term ‘feminine’ at all, and whether to write the book for broad application. The message was important for everyone. However, as I researched the unconscious biases and blocks that inform our current models, I felt strongly that women, in particular, had been disadvantaged. I decided to address the so-called masculine/feminine divide head-on to raise awareness about the issue. I also decided that there were some gender-specific issues around conditioning that were better served with books targeting each audience separately.

The new Netflix Alpha Males show reinforces for me why it’s important to write my sequel on The Art of Feminine Negotiation: For Men. The show is a social satire, following the challenges of four 40-something Spanish ‘alpha’ males as they attempt to navigate the changing world and gender roles and expectations. It’s a clever show that highlights the inherent problems in a transition of social mores.

The four best friends, each facing the impact of shifting gender expectations in different ways, all enroll in a course on deconstructing ‘toxic masculinity’. Each has varying levels of resistance, with one going so far as to create his own course on bringing back male virility. And so, the battle lines are drawn. The show perfectly captures the push-back reflex to be expected in any period of social change. It also captures the deep hold of old conditioning and how it reinforces polarizing views that are sure to swell as we challenge it.

Ignoring this reality and pushing a new agenda without inclusion and sensitivity dooms any attempt at meaningful change. The very conditioning that led to the system being re-examined will necessarily create a counterforce. Attempts to undo old models will be met with pushback based on mindsets formed under the old culture. This resistance will inevitably come from both ‘sides’, including those who stand to benefit most from the change.

By contrast, if there is open dialogue, with inclusivity and invitations for engagement, without blame or judgment, then the space is opened to effect meaningful change. Instead of pushing against each other, what if, instead, we pushed up to a higher understanding and impact that better benefits all? In fact, at its heart, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™. Bringing empathy, compassion, and understanding to the table, truly listening to the needs of all parties, building rapport and trust, will invariably yield better outcomes.

So, is the new ‘feminine’ approach to negotiations (and life) a myth that is doomed to failure?

No. I believe it’s the very path that will save us by becoming the best possible version of ourselves.