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Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Leadership

Is Rewarding Your Child Actually Bad for Them?

Imagine having a remote control to manage and direct your kid’s behavior.
 
Clean your room. Done.
Do your homework. Done.
 
Go to bed. Done.
 
Wouldn’t life be a breeze? No more nagging. No more heated arguments. No more talking back.
It’s a joke of course—or is it?
 
Life would certainly be easier if our kids always did what we asked.
 
But then they’d be more like robots and less like the complex, wonderful humans we know and love.
 
In my TEDxChandlersCreek presentation, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I talk about how the reward and punishment method can be similar to using a remote control on our kids.
When we try to manipulate our children’s behavior by rewarding actions that we deem “good” and punishing those we see as “bad,” we activate the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
 
Why?
 
Because rewarding “good” behavior tells our kids they only deserve praise or love when they accomplish specific goals or act in a socially acceptable manner.
 
On the flip side, when we punish so-called “bad” behavior, we fail to address the unmet need fueling the misdeed.
 
Ignoring the messages behind our kids’ actions inadvertently tells them that they don’t matter.
 
Relying on rewards and punishments gives them the impression that we don’t care if they’re sad, angry, or lonely—we just want them to behave well. Like robots.
 
I myself was a product of unconscious parenting. I had to learn how to honor my inner voice after being taught to suppress my authentic self in the name of “good” behavior.
 
I talk about my own journey and so much more in the presentation, which you can watch right here.
 
Love and Blessings,
Katherine
 
P.S. I recently had the privilege of speaking with LaWann Moses on the More Than a Mother podcast. Together, we had a powerful dialogue about the underlying issues that many parents are dealing with in their relationships with their children. Check out the episode to learn more!
 
https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Categories
Growth Personal Development

7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times

Life isn’t always easy. We’ve all faced some tough times. However, the way we handle difficult situations can make all the difference.

Many of us make life even more difficult by the way we handle (or choose not to handle) our challenges. This creates additional issues that require time and energy to fix. How you handle trying times also says more about you than you may realize.

Will you let these times bring out the worst in you or the best in you?

Make it easier on yourself and get through difficult times more quickly with these strategies:

 

  1. Remember that you have more options than you realize. Part of what makes challenging times challenging is the belief that you have no options. Feeling powerless is painful. Remind yourself that you still have choices. How you choose to handle the trying situation is because you chose one of those choices available to you.
  2. Pay attention to all of the things that are still good in your life. You may have lost your job, but you still have your health and your family. Maybe you’re getting divorced, but you still have your friends, job, health, and your children. You get the idea. While things may look grim right now, there’s always something to be grateful for.
  • What was the best thing that happened to you last year? Who has made a positive impact on your life? Make a list of at least 20 positive things in your life and then notice how much better you feel. This helps put things into a more manageable perspective.
  • What we feed, grows so if you only focus on what’s not working, you’re giving it more power than it deserves. You’re also putting your focus on the problem versus the solution.7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times
  1. Look for solutions. Focusing on your difficulty is natural, but ineffective. In fact, it’s draining and keeps us stuck. Decide that you’re going to find a solution. It doesn’t have to be the perfect solution. Just a decent solution moving you forward. Give yourself the time you need to brainstorm, then take action.
  2. Begin implementing your solution. For example, if you’re experiencing a breakup, betrayal and/or the shattering of trust, your immediate solution might include several steps:
  • Are you safe? Safety and security come first
  • Get support from someone who understands
  • Prioritize needs like getting help with the kids, saying no to extra obligations at work, and delegating extra tasks that aren’t crucial right now
  • Prioritize self-care needs like sleep and appropriate supplementation so you can think more clearly during this challenging time
  1. Do your best to care for those within your care-AND let them know you’re not at your best. You may have to reduce your care and attention a little. But, letting those you love know you’re not at your best lets them know you’re doing the best you can and it’s not about them.
  2. Try practices to release your anxiety. You can feel your anxiety in your body. Imagine opening up a door in the location you feel it and letting it all out. Try deep breathing, meditating, exercising, journaling or whatever feels like it’s helping let that tension out.
  3. Show appreciation when you can. Let everyone know that you appreciate their love and support-especially during this challenging time. Everyone wants to be validated, acknowledged and appreciated.

It’s not a matter of whether or not you’ll face difficult times. It’s only a matter of when. Since challenging times are inevitable, why not deal with them as effectively as possible? Strength, confidence and character never come from avoiding our challenges, they come from moving through them.

 

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times

 

 

Categories
Culture Growth Leadership Personal Development

Should schools also speak separately to white students, parents, and staff?

I have been really impressed by the steps taken by schools to speak to the racial tensions engulfing America right now. I have had the honor in my work to also lead some of these discussions as well and will be leading more. As a parent of K-12 children, I have also watched my own school’s response to the crisis in America today. Moreover, I have spent a great deal of time reviewing the responses of schools at the university level. While I have appreciated the fact that so many of these institutions have initiated or renewed a commitment to ensuring that black lives matter, I have found myself asking one question over and over again: what direct message is going out to white students, students, and staff?

Across the country, many social media posts have popped up with some form of @blackat… handle. These are accounts where black students, as well as alumni, have posted their negative experiences being black at their schools. These stories started to really trend in 2016 after incidents of racism at schools like American University, where I teach. I was inspired by this movement to finally write about my own “black at” experience from 7th-12th grade at Boston Latin School. I believe the @blackat… postings are also a large part of the reason why schools have been feeling more pressure to respond to their black students in ways they have not before. I wonder if, in some unintentional way, that this is leading to black students being singled out in ways that might do more harm than good despite the best intentions of schools. Let’s look at an example.

One high school I was watching sent out an email that they were having a zoom call for black students, another call for multiracial students, and a third one for all students. I have spoken at enough schools to know that this can backfire. While many black students can be vocal and will speak up on issues, this type of action can lead to black students feeling they have to be the representative for all black people, which is an added burden, particularly in schools where they are not in the majority. Furthermore, not meeting with the white students separately can make it seem like they’re being brought in as allies and not as partners. I have written about how this concept of “allyship” can create more problems than it solves. Another reason this is problematic is because many of the challenges black students face come at the hands of white students in addition to other issues, such as curriculum and staffing. Did I expect the students who wore white hoods in protest of my running for class president to really care for a call to all students about racial unity? Those students needed separate interventions, which never came and made me feel more marginalized. Schools, therefore, need to create environments where white students can be organized and spoken to directly about the antiracist work they must be doing amongst themselves. Robin DiAngelo speaks in White Fragility to the work white people must do to challenge racism. The book is primarily for adults but much of the work can be instructive for students as well. This takes us also to white parents and staff. I have appreciated the calls I have been on and led with parents of all backgrounds, and oftentimes the white parents and staff outnumber the black parents and staff. This makes sense given the makeup of these schools but if the black parents and staff are going to be separated or addressed in separate conversations, which happens, wouldn’t the fight for equity and equality necessitates that white, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American parents and staff be spoken to separately as well? Are schools equipped to even have that conversation? Are they ready to discuss, for example, how many private schools always use a black child as the face for the financial aid campaigns although the school may have more white students in the school on some form of financial aid? Are they ready to discuss the social networks that often form among white parents and staff that often exclude black people unless some form of representation is needed? My wife and I have had to often think twice before sending our kids to some birthday parties because we had to be sure that our kids were really invited because of friendship and not out of a desire to have diversity at a party. Examples like these are endless.

At the end of the day, I could write an entire dissertation on the ways in which our schools are failing its black students. Many like Dr. Gloria Ladson-Billings and Glenn Singleton have already done that work and more are doing it now. What is most important now is that schools realize that black students are suffering for real reasons that go beyond the lack of representation of their full history in the curriculum. Much of what we suffer as black students, parents, and staff in these schools comes at the hands of our interactions, or lack thereof, with white students, parents, and staff. If schools are going to be really serious about addressing issues related to the black lives matter movement, they must be equally dedicated to challenging white students, parents, and staff in an authentic way that leads them to understanding their role in this movement. It is obvious that all white people are not to blame and I commend the white student, parents, and staff who are out there doing the work every single day to condemn ignorance and create true equity and equality. It is high time, however, that schools directly challenge their white students, parents, and staff in ways that go beyond a book club and curriculum review. Those are good points of departure but the journey is long and must go deeper beyond this moment.

Categories
Growth Personal Development

7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times

Life isn’t always easy. We’ve all faced some tough times. However, the way we handle difficult situations can make all the difference.

Many of us make life even more difficult by the way we handle (or choose not to handle) our challenges. This creates additional issues that require time and energy to fix. How you handle trying times also says more about you than you may realize.

Will you let these times bring out the worst in you or the best in you?

Make it easier on yourself and get through difficult times more quickly with these strategies:

 

  1. Remember that you have more options than you realize. Part of what makes challenging times challenging is the belief that you have no options. Feeling powerless is painful. Remind yourself that you still have choices. How you choose to handle the trying situation is because you chose one of those choices available to you.
  2. Pay attention to all of the things that are still good in your life. You may have lost your job, but you still have your health and your family. Maybe you’re getting divorced, but you still have your friends, job, health, and your children. You get the idea. While things may look grim right now, there’s always something to be grateful for.
  • What was the best thing that happened to you last year? Who has made a positive impact on your life? Make a list of at least 20 positive things in your life and then notice how much better you feel. This helps put things into a more manageable perspective.
  • What we feed, grows so if you only focus on what’s not working, you’re giving it more power than it deserves. You’re also putting your focus on the problem versus the solution.7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times
  1. Look for solutions. Focusing on your difficulty is natural, but ineffective. In fact, it’s draining and keeps us stuck. Decide that you’re going to find a solution. It doesn’t have to be the perfect solution. Just a decent solution moving you forward. Give yourself the time you need to brainstorm, then take action.
  2. Begin implementing your solution. For example, if you’re experiencing a breakup, betrayal and/or the shattering of trust, your immediate solution might include several steps:
  • Are you safe? Safety and security come first
  • Get support from someone who understands
  • Prioritize needs like getting help with the kids, saying no to extra obligations at work, and delegating extra tasks that aren’t crucial right now
  • Prioritize self-care needs like sleep and appropriate supplementation so you can think more clearly during this challenging time
  1. Do your best to care for those within your care-AND let them know you’re not at your best. You may have to reduce your care and attention a little. But, letting those you love know you’re not at your best lets them know you’re doing the best you can and it’s not about them.
  2. Try practices to release your anxiety. You can feel your anxiety in your body. Imagine opening up a door in the location you feel it and letting it all out. Try deep breathing, meditating, exercising, journaling or whatever feels like it’s helping let that tension out.
  3. Show appreciation when you can. Let everyone know that you appreciate their love and support-especially during this challenging time. Everyone wants to be validated, acknowledged and appreciated.

It’s not a matter of whether or not you’ll face difficult times. It’s only a matter of when. Since challenging times are inevitable, why not deal with them as effectively as possible? Strength, confidence and character never come from avoiding our challenges, they come from moving through them.

 

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

7 Strategies to Help You Get Through Difficult Times