Author: Cindy Watson

The key to controlling a negotiation is likely not what you expect. In fact, it’s probably the opposite of what you’re hoping to hear. I suspect the answer will not be popular. When I searched for the most attractive titles for this article, any variation of the actual answer barely registered on the scoreboard, but as soon as I keyed in ‘how to control a negotiation’ the numbers lit up.

Here’s the best kept secret …

The key to controlling your negotiations is to let go of control.

But apparently, ‘Letting Go of Control to Get Better Outcomes in Negotiations’ is not a sexy title.

That’s not a surprise. In fact, that’s one of the motivators that kick-started my mission to reframe how we define control, power, success, and negotiation. For too long we’ve been conditioned to frame these concepts based on a competitive model, when the reality is that bringing so-called ‘feminine’ traits to the table will secure better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements and more creative solutions that benefit all. And so The Art of Feminine Negotiation™ was born.

Our competitive ‘win-lose’ approach typically has us defining control as control over others rather than control ‘with’ others. Even dictionary definitions define control as ‘dominating, commanding, exerting control over others’.

I was guilty of this in my litigation practice for many years. I was known as the Barracuda, and I prided myself on controlling every possible aspect of the negotiations and beyond. We see this approach in law, in business, in sales, in politics and more. Sadly, we’ve come to define success based on these approaches.

Likewise, we tend to try to exert power over others rather than with others. My article on How to Get and Use Power in Negotiations had a similar reframing theme. Most conflict arises over perceived lack of power or control. Imagine if we reframe how we look at it and how we approach it to more constructive ends.

How about you? Do you find yourself trying to control any of the following in your negotiations?

• Location:

  We often see power jostling over where negotiations are going to take place. Each party fights to exert control over the setting, hoping to gain some advantage.

• Outcomes:

  Similarly, most people think it’s a sign of ‘victory’ in a negotiation if they’re able to push their agenda and only focus on the outcomes they seek.

• Pace:

  Whether consciously or not, we often even control the pace of our negotiations, barrelling along at the speaking pace we find most comfortable.

• Tone:

  Likewise, we rarely pay attention for cues about the tone the other party may prefer, choosing instead to set the tone on our terms.

• Information:

  We’ve also been conditioned to try to control the flow of information. We tend to hold our cards close to our chest, while at the same time, dominating the dialogue, believing that the person talking the loudest and longest is ‘winning’ the negotiation.

Allow me to offer a different perspective so you can choose to be more intentional in your negotiations going forward, rather than buying into old conditioning that may not serve you.

Here are a few tips to help you reframe your approach to control …

• Rather than seeking to exert control over the other party or the negotiation process, instead, seek to build consensus through collaboration.
• If you find your ego showing up, tamper it down and immediately switch the focus to the other party.
• Get curious.
• Ask questions.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Rather than trying to control the pace, instead try to match the pace of the other party.
• Take your cues on tone from the other party.
• Be willing to be vulnerable.
• Seek to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party.
• Consider location with greater intention. Instead of trying to insist on a ‘home field’ advantage as a means of exerting control and power, consider that other locations may serve you better. i.e. consider access to information, mood, atmosphere, comfort, etc.
• Allow the other party to feel in control of the process with you.
• Try to see the issue(s) from the other party’s perspective.
• Build trust by ceding control on certain items.

Remember that we can’t always control our external circumstances, but we can choose to control how we react. Others may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you make them feel. Be intentional about creating an environment where they feel seen, heard and valued. You will get more of what you want in doing so.

It always struck me as ironic that St. Patrick’s Day fell within Lent. To have the religious observance dedicated to enduring temptation usurped by a holiday that invites revelry and excess seems counter-productive. Or perhaps it’s intended as the ultimate test of self-discipline.
I often preach that all of life is a negotiation and that our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves … negotiating our mindset. One of the most challenging mindset negotiations is negotiating the self-discipline to avoid temptations.
Let’s face it – temptations are everywhere. Some are placed in front of us by outside sources. And if we’re really honest with ourselves, some are created by us as a means of avoidance, keeping us off course from achieving our goals and greater vision.
So how can we negotiate past temptation? Here’s a few tips to set you on the path.

I  Recognize the Root of the Temptation

When temptation creeps in, take a moment to explore its root. Is it boredom? Avoidance? Peer pressure? Self-sabotage? Conditioning?
It is often the case that succumbing to temptations is rooted in a belief that we don’t deserve and a corresponding resistance to receiving. Deep-rooted fear of success can cause us to sabotage ourselves on the path to our visions.
Practicing unconditional self-love is a great antidote to this problem.

II Identify Your Triggers

Once you get a handle on the root of your distracting temptations, explore your triggers. They can be external or internal cues that evoke an emotional response or craving. What things are likely to trigger your cravings? It can be people, places, situations, emotions and even thoughts.
Self-reflection and journaling can help ID your triggers. Asking others close to you to weigh in can also be valuable in this exercise.

III Remove Yourself from the Situation

One effective way to avoid temptation is to remove yourself from the situation. Simply walk away. If you know you won’t have the resilience to avoid giving in to the temptation, then walk away from it (whether in advance or in the moment).

IV Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness is a valuable tool to develop emotional resilience. Between every stimulus and response is a pause. In that moment of pause you have the ability to choose your reaction. There is great power in that pause.
Engage a simple breathing exercise to regain control of your emotion and allow rationale decision-making to take over. Be fully present in the moment and give yourself the space and grace to choose your action with intention.

V Find Alternatives

If you’ve done the work to identify your triggers and recognize the root of your temptations, you can plan alternatives in advance. Rather than grabbing that remote control or drink or chocolate (or whatever your Achilles heel happens to be) you can choose a more constructive alternate activity, etc.

VI Have a Concrete Plan

Set long-term goals to avoid short-term impulses. Having clarity around your vision and the steps to achieve it make it easier to stick to the vision (as opposed to fuzzy ideas about your future).
Note that it’s not necessary to live in deprivation to achieve your bold dreams. Be sure to build in rewards and downtime as part of your plan. Be intentional so you’re less likely to give in to sabotaging impulses in the moment.

VII Use Visualization

Visualization is an effective tool for living into your long-term goals and to avoid temptation in the moment. When you run into a potential trigger, take a moment to visualize your highest self and action. Allow yourself to bask in the benefits of that higher path to distract you from the short-term diversion.

VIII Practice the Art of ‘No’

If peer pressure or people-pleasing are your nemesis, then practice the art of saying ‘No’. It’s important to set boundaries and get comfortable with positive ways to deliver a ‘no’ so that you don’t let other people’s priorities get in the way of pursuing your own.

You’ll notice that some of these strategies involve invoking distraction while others require the practice of willpower. Both will help with self-control and assist in over-riding emotional impulses that don’t serve you. Take control of your life. Choose your destiny and the path to get there. Negotiating a strong mindset will allow you to develop the self-discipline and strategies to avoid temptation.

This morning, as I was eating my breakfast, I heard a news story about two moms who got into a fist fight on a school bus when they intervened in an argument their children were having over a toy. It got me thinking about the dysfunctional way we’re conditioned to resolve conflict. It also got me thinking about the example we set for our children when we negotiate.

We have increasingly been conditioned to view conflict as a win/lose proposition. With that mindset, we’re similarly led to believe that negotiation is a competition where ‘winning’ is the goal. We seek to exert power over others. Perceived power is the driving force.

I’d like to invite you to consider that this entire model is upside down and leads to dysfunctional worst results. In fact, it was this realization that prompted me to create the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ model. After years of litigating in a flawed legal system, where winning at all costs had become the model, I recognized that there was a better way to negotiate.

At its heart, the Art of Feminine Negotiation is about building rapport, bringing empathy to the table, being flexible, tapping into your intuition, and building trust. It’s about putting yourself fully in the shoes of the other party, to truly seek to understand their position and needs to determine if you can meet those needs while still getting a best outcome for yourself.

When we buy into an approach that promotes ‘winning’, we immediately position ourselves to overpower the other party, rather than seeking ways to find power with the other party. This is a simple but profound distinction. It’s the difference between working against each other versus working with each other to find superior outcomes.

Effective negotiation requires that we acknowledge and address our fears so we can avoid the kind of lizard-brain response we saw with these two moms throwing punches on a school bus. Elevated negotiation necessitates surrendering our ego and turning our attention to the needs of the other party. It requires us to consider our attachment to our own positions and ideas to meaningfully consider those of the other party instead and to remain flexible to move away from our initial positioning to find better outcomes whenever possible.

And while it should be obvious, but rarely gets practices, it requires that we avoid reactivity. We are increasingly encouraged in the current volatile and polarized culture that ‘might’ matters. Much of our entertainment (and sadly, increasingly the real world) glorifies seeking and exercising power over others in all aspects of our lives.

In advance of any negotiation, you will be better served by considering who you want to show up as. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be seen by the other party? How do you want to make them feel? How can you best get buy-in? How can you find mutual best results? What impact do you want for the relationship in question? This approach will yield far better results that simply seeking to exert your will.

While the fight in the case at hand was over a simple toy, make no mistake that this was a negotiation. There are a myriad of ways these mothers could have modelled better behaviour and practices to resolve the issue. Rather than viewing the conflict as one they had to ‘win’ at all costs, they could have seen it as an opportunity for a valuable life lesson in healthy ways to resolve differences of opinion.

Leaving aside the horrific example these two women set for a busload of impressionable children, I invite you to consider, with intention, in advance of every negotiation, what example you would like to set for your children if they were watching you negotiate. Adopt an approach that would make you proud to have them learn from your example.

Is Negotiating for the Principle a Solid Strategy or Not?

Parties often get so caught up in the so-called principle (with a capital ‘P’) that they lose sight of superior outcomes laying before them on the proverbial bargaining table. This is such a common occurrence (as a story as old as time) that I thought it worth exploring the good, bad, and ugly of negotiating for ‘principle’.

In my legal career I’ve seen many a deal go sideways when one (or both) parties dig in based on a purported principle. We see this phenomenon in business as well. Significant business opportunities can be lost or overlooked when parties have tunnel vision over the underlying principle. We also see internalized ‘principles’ damage negotiations in our personal lives and so jeopardize personal relationships.

Being too attached to any one idea can deprive us of the flexibility to find creative positive outcomes.

It’s important to remember that our reality is based on our thoughts and the meaning we attach to these thoughts. Perception and perspective are key. Not only are our perceptions and perspective unique to us, but they are often flawed. Humans are notoriously bad at perspective taking.

Yet we’re seeing increased polarization in the world today as we increasingly double down on entrenched versions of our beliefs, not leaving any room to explore the viewpoints of others. Not leaving room for meaningful consideration other perspectives and perceptions.

Best outcomes are achieved when we approach negotiations with empathy, a desire to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party. Standing on purported ‘principle’ can often mask what is really an inflexible belief in the moral superiority and correctness of our position without regard to potential differing approaches or ideas. This can be a dangerous baseline from which to bargain.

Having said that, there are times when it’s important to stand on principle and use negotiation as a tactic to an intended end. If, for example, the goal (at least in part) of a particular discussion or negotiation is to achieve increased awareness or deterrence on an important issue, principle can be an effective launch pad.

I had this experience recently dealing with an issue on behalf of my son. I’m a big believer in moving past lip service on mental health issues. We’re long overdue on blasting past the stigma that still surrounds discussions on mental health.

My son was diagnosed with a mental health issue at the outset of COVID. To his credit, he has been very transparent and vulnerable about his condition. Yet, in 3 successive jobs where his employer loved him and he received exceptional performance feedback, immediately upon discussing his mental health status he found himself summarily terminated. Not surprisingly, as a social justice attorney I found this untenable (not to mention unlawful). Yet my son did not want to take action. He was content to take his lumps and choose to continue to stay transparent about his situation to give voice to the issues, rather than carrying shame.

For the last termination, however, I convinced him that standing on principle was important. Accordingly, I proceeded to negotiate a significantly enhanced termination package, resting on the principle of the protection against discrimination based on disability. I refused to back away from keeping this important principle front and centre in the discussions so as to ensure accountability, increased awareness and deterrence for any such future discriminations.

Knowing when a principle is worth standing on is key. I invite you to challenge your own principles to determine the legitimacy of the foundation and whether it is a true and reliable driver for the negotiation rather than a convenient filter to avoid considering other potentially legitimate viewpoints.

Something to think about.

On any given day there’s an infinite number of things you could be doing. The trick is learning to prioritize them. Otherwise, minutes turn to hours which turn to days which turn to months and before you know it years are passing by, and your priority items still sit on the back burner.

We each have the same 1440 minutes in a day. The question is … how are you going to use those minutes?

Most people get caught up in our conditioned ‘to do’ lifestyle where we focus on tasks that do not move us closer to our big vision in life. Even the trendy Agendas and Planners perpetuate this problem. We feel pulled in a million different directions, juggling our ‘to do’ lists, and in the process missing out on the stuff that really matters.

It’s one of the reasons my daughter and I felt compelled to create a new kind of Planner. Our Purpose Planner was designed to help us live more purposeful lives, where our focus was directed to spending time on things that most move us toward our dreams and best life.

I love the ‘Rocks in a Vase’ demonstration as a great visual representation of the problem of the typical task-driven approach to life. If who haven’t seen it, it works like this. Take a vase and place big rocks in it to the top of the vase. You’ll think it’s full. But then, you can fit a surprising number of small pebbles into the ‘full’ vase. And you can still pour in sand, which will sift over the rocks and pebbles. You can even add water, which will absorb to fit.

If you attempt to fill the vase in the opposite order, it won’t work. After you’ve poured water, sand, and small pebbles, you won’t be able to fit the big rocks in.

This is representative of your life and the choices you make. Assume the big rocks are your most important priorities – those things that matter most to you. The pebbles, sand and water are things in your life in descending order of importance. If you spend all your time and attention on the water, sand, and pebbles, you won’t have room left for your actual priorities.

Learning the art of prioritization is key … and it’s easier than you’d think.

Here’s a simple system to kickstart your new prioritized life.

I Determine where your time is going

The starting point is to determine where your time is currently being spent. Track your time and make a list of all the things that are consuming it. Be sure to include the ‘little’ things as they add up to take big chunks out of your 1440 minutes each day.

II Determine your ‘big rock’ priorities

Decide what your priorities are in life. What are the things that are most important to you. Be sure to consider all areas of your life. Our Purpose Planner recommends you get intentional about recognizing your priorities in each of these categories:

• Health & Fitness
• Wealth & Finance
• Mission & Vision
• Emotional & Mental
• Growth & Learning
• Intimate/Romantic Relationship
• Family & Friends
• Experiences & Quality of Life
• Spiritual (whatever that means for you)
• Career (if this is not yet covered under mission or vision)

III Recognize that you’re in charge of your calendar

How you spend your time is a choice. And it’s a choice you get to make. Take those items on your list from step I above (i.e. where your time is going) and make a decision to eliminate, delegate or automate (to the fullest extent possible) those items on the list that you do not enjoy, that are not on your priority list from step II, and/or that do not move you closer to your vision.

IV Time block your priorities

Now that you’ve gotten rid of items that do not serve your higher purpose, schedule time blocks for those items that are your priorities. Don’t wait to find time. Instead, make the time. Schedule it as the priority item that it is and deserves to be recognized as.

Ensure you do daily, weekly, monthly and annual check-ins on your priorities and update as needed.

V Learn to say ‘NO’

Now that you’ve identified the priorities in your life and scheduled them, and you’ve identified those things you want to keep off your plate, it’s easy to maintain by learning the art of a positive ‘No’. Graciously turn down requests of your time that will undermine your priorities and/or not move you toward your chosen best life.

You deserve an exceptional life. To live into that best life requires that you make choices. Getting intentional about your priorities is the foundational first step on that path. The system I’ve shared is simple … like most good ideas.

When you think of negotiation, you probably picture positional bargaining. You may not know the term, but I suspect it’s what first comes to mind. It’s the most familiar form of negotiation. We’re conditioned to this approach – whether arguing over splitting a chocolate bar or negotiating a global peace treaty. At the micro and macro level it tends to be our learned default approach.

Here’s a news flash that will serve you well. Positional bargaining will get you less. Even though it’s our usual approach, it results in worse agreements, worse buy-in, worse relationships, worse outcomes.

What is positional bargaining? It’s a style of negotiation where both parties see the exercise as a win/lose proposition. It frames the negotiation as an adversarial process where each party starts with their respective position and proceeds to defend the position.

It’s sometimes called a zero-sum negotiation or distributive bargaining. It invokes a ‘fixed pie’ mindset, where both sides seek to keep as much of the ‘pie’ as possible. It typically means one or both parties are holding the line on a fixed idea or position, only giving concessions where necessary.

This is why positional bargaining will get you less because there are significant potential disadvantages to this approach. Here’s just a few:

I No Room for Creativity

In positional bargaining, there is little room for creativity. Both parties tend to hold their cards close to their chest, which inhibits open discussion to find creative, outside-the-box solutions.

II Parties Get Locked In

Both parties are more likely to become locked into their respective positions in zero sum bargaining. They feel compelled to defend their position, becoming increasingly committed to it as the negotiation proceeds. This blocks the ability to see better solutions and inhibits the ability to change position (even when better options are available).

III Nobody Wins in Win/Lose

When we see negotiation as a win/lose proposition, we miss the opportunity for enhanced outcomes that come with more collaborative approaches.

IV Never Really Understand the Other Party’s Position

When we focus almost exclusively on our own position, we become blind to the merits of any other position. We’re less likely to truly listen and so we rarely fully understand the position of the other party. Effective negotiation requires a true understanding of the desired outcomes of the other party and a desire to try to meet them where possible.

V Ego is the Kiss of Death

Ego is one of the 7 deadly sins in negotiation. Positional bargaining triggers ego. With ego in the house, best outcomes are rarely achieved.

VI Kills Future Relationship

When we focus on ‘getting the win’ in any given negotiation, we’re likely to damage the ability to get best outcomes for future negotiations. Contrary to popular belief, negotiations are rarely ‘one offs’. Seeking to put one over the other party, will inevitably come back to bite you in future dealings and potentially ruin relationships.

VII Zero-sum Encourages Extreme Positions

Distributive bargaining encourages parties to take extreme positions, anchoring high (or low as the case may be) so as to gain some perceived advantage. This slows down the process and is an inefficient way to bargain. It certainly makes it harder to find mutual ground for best outcomes.

These are just a few of the perils of positional bargaining. I saw this approach in almost all negotiations in my law practice and many years as an attorney and business owner. It did not serve the parties well. This recognition is what prompted me to create the Art of Feminine Negotiation. I realized that best outcomes were achieved by building rapport and trust, by bringing empathy and understanding to the table, by being open and flexible to find the greatest good for all.

While vacationing in Turks & Caicos this week, I got bit by a dog and lost a half-day waiting to get stitches. As I believe all of life is a negotiation, it’s no surprise the experience reminded me of some valuable negotiation lessons. I thought I’d share them with you.

The day started with great expectations. We were participating in a unique program where people volunteer to ‘adopt a puppy’ for a few hours to help socialize pups waiting for placement. We got our bundle of energy, Maddy (with warnings that she tended to be ‘a bit bossy’) and headed to the beach as suggested.

On arriving at the beach, my son started rough housing with the rambunctious pup. I cautioned him not to and reached down to intervene. The pup snapped at my outreached hand. I saw the moment when she committed to the bite – something flashed in her eyes – but I didn’t react in time and bore the full brunt of her razor-sharp puppy teeth sinking into my hand, splitting it open to reveal tendon and bone. The family got to enjoy the next few hours with the pup while I headed to a local clinic for stitches.

You may be wondering what this has to do with negotiation. Well, negotiation is an art. Like any art, bringing intention to the exercise is key. Here are a few lessons from my canine mishap …

I. Manage Expectations

Like most negotiations in life, we’d started our day with great expectations. While setting high expectations can be a powerful force in negotiations, it’s also important to not get too attached to any one outcome. I’ve seen too many negotiations go sideways even though there were great opportunities on the table, because one or more parties couldn’t let go of their expectations.

II. Do Your Homework and Pay Attention

We were so excited about the prospect of a magical day with the pup that we didn’t do any groundwork. We blithely lined up to get our puppy without asking any of the obvious questions (i.e. about her likes/dislikes, preferences, do’s and don’ts, etc.) In any negotiation, preparation is the key to successful outcomes. Know who you’re negotiating with, what the issues are, who you should show up as, what the likely objections are that you’ll need to overcome, what outcomes you seek … and strategize accordingly. We’d been warned that Maddy was bossy, but I didn’t factor that into my approach … to my detriment.

III. Have a Plan

Every move in a negotiation should be taken with forethought. Be mindful of your language (the words you use), your tone, your desired response, your body language, the likely impact of your chosen actions, etc. I reached down to an agitated puppy with no thought of the potential consequences. We often act on impulse and reactivity in our daily negotiations and as a result our outcomes are seriously compromised.

IV. Heed Warning Signs

Not only had I been warned about Maddy’s temperament, but I saw the warning signs of her impending bite. I was not present enough in the moment to react appropriately. The results were most unfortunate. The same applies in our real-world negotiations. Be present. Be fully engaged. Be intentional. Be aware. Watch for the reactions from the other party and modify your strategy as necessary if you want to achieve best possible outcomes and not derail a negotiation through carelessness.

V. Don’t Bite Back

It’s often our human instinct to bite back when challenged. This is particularly so given the myths we’ve be conditioned to accept about negotiation (i.e. that toughness carries the day and that bark & bite are valuable tools – neither of which are valid). Reactivity rarely yields good outcomes. In fact, it’s to be avoided. Instead, I invite you to ground yourself before responding. Allow your reptilian brain to adjust and release the triggered state. Take a deep breath and invoke a mantra that gives you choice in how to respond. i.e. “I’m powerfully grounded, calm, collected, and compelling.” From that state, you can choose how you ought to respond.

Hope you got some value out of my dog-bite experience. These simple take-away lessons can up-level your negotiation prowess to get you more of you want and deserve (without the necessity of biting or getting bitten).