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Category: Health and Wellness

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Growth Health and Wellness Skills

Dear Katherine: My Kids Love Video Games—Should I Be Concerned?

Dear Katherine,

My kids love playing video games. They seem to take genuine pleasure in this activity, and while they’re occupied, I have a chance to do household chores and enjoy a little time to myself. 

I know there are better hobbies out there—but if they like gaming and it gives me a bit of space, is that so wrong? Am I making a parenting mistake by letting them play? 

Sincerely,

Guilty As Charged

Hey there, Guilty As Charged,

First of all, you have nothing to feel guilty about here! Check your shame at the door. We’re all human.

Gaming—and screen-time in general—is a sore spot in many parent-child relationships. It’s hard to imagine eliminating these activities because, as you said, your kids enjoy playing video games, and you enjoy having some space. Not to mention that screen-time has become an undeniable part of children’s social lives.

But of course, “too much” of anything can be a problem.

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So what constitutes “too much” in terms of gaming? The answer: It depends. 

Rest assured that you probably don’t have to put an end to your kids’ gaming. This kind of hobby can have a place in a healthy, well-rounded child’s life. The issue is when it becomes an addiction.

I did a webinar with Cam Adair (founder of Game Quitters, the world’s largest support platform), who once struggled with video game addiction. He dropped out of school, lied to his parents about having a job, and eventually experienced suicidal ideation. At the height of his problem, he was gaming 16 hours a day.
We talked about how one of the risk factors for full-fledged gaming addiction is using video games as a coping mechanism or a means of escape. The amount of time someone spends gaming matters much less than why they’re gaming in the first place.

Here’s a good litmus test: If your child is gaming and you ask them to stop—for dinner, homework, or something else—are they capable of easily walking away? If so, there may not be cause for concern.

If they have trouble walking away, there may not be cause for concern either.  If they are in the middle of getting to that next level at the very moment you call for them, they may just need a few more minutes!

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It’s also important to take a holistic view of your kids’ lives outside of gaming.

Are they doing well in school? 

Do they have nice friends? 

Are they generally kind and happy? 

Do they get proper exercise and nutrition?

The answers to those questions will help you determine if playing video games is a solution for another problem—or just another activity that brings your children joy.

If you are concerned, Game Quitters—Cam’s game addiction support community—is an excellent resource. But first, start a conversation with your kids about their gaming habits. Good old-fashioned quality time and better parent-child communication may be enough to keep them from entering unhealthy territory.

Tell your child that you want to spend time together as a family, and be sure to plan activities that excite them. Steer clear of using power and control because that is guaranteed to activate the 3Rs (retaliation, rebellion and resistance) and generate a resentment flow.

I hope this response gave you some peace of mind, Guilty As Charged. Your kids’ love for video games is likely healthy and normal.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Do you have a gut feeling that your kid’s gaming obsession is an escape from other unmet needs? Watch our free webinar and take a deeper dive to understand how to get rid of retaliation, rebellion and resistance here.

Categories
Body Language Culture Health and Wellness

Is Your Tank Running On Empty?

Taking care of your kids starts with taking care of yourself.

Are you overextending yourself to meet your family’s needs? Do you feel trapped in an exhausting juggling act with no end in sight? It’s time to take a step back and practice some self-care.

Parents, we live in extremely stressful times. But prioritizing everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own isn’t the answer. When we fall into this trap, our own health and wellness suffers, preventing us from becoming the parents we want to be.

I know you’re committed to being 100% present for your children—and that means first allowing yourself the bandwidth to fulfill your own needs.

We’re all familiar with the oxygen mask analogy: you have to put your own mask on first. It sounds easy in theory, but in practice, it’s not always easy to prioritize yourself. Know that when you practice self-care, you ARE becoming a better parent for your children.

And taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be overly lavish or take tons of time. It can be doing something simple:

  • Going for a quick walk
  • Calling a friend
  • Spending quality time with your partner (without the kids!)

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s that taking care of others starts with taking care of yourself. Fill your own tank and your whole family will reap the benefits.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

How Your Body is Managing Your Stress

Whenever we go through trauma, the body responds. The body has a biochemical reaction to what we’re experiencing in our life, and it’s all for our protection. It’s to help us cope with what we’re facing, help us deal with it as it’s occurring, and help us move beyond the stressful experience once the threat is over. For this process to work successfully, however, our bodies will burn through lots of nutrients, the raw materials that our body is designed to utilize to help us deal with life and deal with stress effectively.

Back in the caveman days, those stressors may have been running from a wild animal. In today’s more modern society, that stress can simply be the stressors of our daily lives. That can look very complex and be incredibly overwhelming; especially when the stress is ongoing.

In order for us to be able to process, address and meet the needs of what we’re going through, (and for healing), we need powerful nutrients. It’s easy to burn through those nutrients quickly under excessive stress and while we can get many of those nutrients from a healthy diet, prolonged or excessive stress requires additional support.

Think of the stress left in the wake of the shattering of trust and/or betrayal. The shock of the experience imprints itself on your body, mind, and heart. That shock ignites the stress response which then lays the groundwork for symptoms, illnesses, conditions, and disease.

For example, in the over 50,000 people who’ve taken the Post Betrayal Syndrome quiz, 45% have a gut issue which can be anything from Crohn’s disease, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), leaky gut, diverticulitis, constipation, diarrhea to name a few. Even if the person continues to eat a healthy diet (and that’s often the last thing someone is thinking about when they’re reeling from a betrayal), they’re not absorbing or retaining the healthy nutrients they’re taking in.

The body has a hierarchy, a protocol for dealing with stress that often involves shutting down digestive processes and increasing stress hormones. That stress revs up your metabolism and makes you require more nutrients. It’s like this; if you were crossing the street and a car was racing towards you, blood and oxygen are sent to your heart, lungs, and limbs so you can quickly move aside or jump the curb to safety. Normal processes are diverted from the digestive system until the dangerous situation is over. Well, under chronic stress, the message is never fully received that you’re safe. So, the digestive system isn’t getting what it needs and it’s a common reason why digestion is suffering.

So, what can you do?

While managing the stress is crucial, it’s helpful to support your body’s needs however you can. One of the simplest places to start is by making sure at least one meal is nutrient-dense, easy to absorb, digest and process. It also has to be simple, quick, and easy because our attention is on finding solid ground to stand on again, and we simply don’t have the mental resources to put towards extensive meal preparation.

For me, that means a daily, nutrient-packed smoothie loaded with superfoods, vitamins, minerals, quality protein, and something that tastes great. At the same time, it’s also important to retain the nutrients we’re taking in, and here’s where digestive enzymes will help.

Most importantly, the body needs to recognize that the threat has passed, that you’re safe, and that everything can find its way back to a place of balance and equilibrium. No simple task when healing from betrayal but absolutely possible, even predictable when you move through The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough.

Remember, healing from betrayal and shattered trust requires healing on all levels so whichever level you’re working towards, it’s a great step in a healthy direction.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Are You Stressed? Your Kids are Probably Feeling It, Too

Lauren Fulkerson is a US-trained pediatrician and mother of four. As an expat living in Hong Kong, Lauren met Katherine at a school event and immediately knew that the Guidance Approach to Parenting was how she wanted to parent her children. She joined Katherine as a parenting coach at the Conscious Parenting Revolution in 2020. Lauren has a passion for child and family well-being, and she’s an avid runner and CrossFitter.

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Take a moment to imagine yourself in these two scenarios:

Scenario 1: You’re having a wonderful day. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, you’ve had a full night’s sleep, and you’re killing it at work. You notice that the kids left their shoes lying around the house again. No big deal. You hum a song while putting the shoes away.

Scenario 2: It’s 10 a.m. and you’re ready to call it a day. The weather is cold and gloomy, you’ve had zero sleep, and your coworkers are hounding you for a report you haven’t even started yet. You notice that the kids left their shoes lying around the house again. You lose it. You drag the nearest kid to the scene of the crime and yell up a storm.

The big difference between those two scenarios? S-T-R-E-S-S. 

These scenarios or similar ones are likely very familiar to you. Your different reactions are not due to your child’s identical behavior but rather to your own stress and limited bandwidth in handling that situation.

 

How Stress Impacts Parenting

Stress is a natural part of life: a reaction to outside triggers that’s difficult to control—let alone eliminate entirely. And these are especially stressful times we’re living in. A whopping 80% of Americans reported emotions related to prolonged stress in a January 2021 survey.

When we’re stressed, our bodies respond with increased reactivity, anxiety, impaired brain function, and decreased ability to manage our tempers—all factors that impact the interactions we have with our children. When we’re stressed, we lose our capacity to manage our kids and navigate the complexities of parenthood.

Besides potentially damaging our relationships with our children, further problems arise when our children begin to mirror these feelings and behaviors. It’s not hard to see the link between a child acting out on the soccer field and a parent yelling on the sidelines. When we react to stress with negativity like anger, frustration, yelling, and even violence, we risk transferring that stress to our kids.

 

Repairing the Effects of Stress on Your Children

The good news is that there are proven strategies for managing the effects of stress so your kids won’t bear the brunt of it:

  1. Forgive yourself. Occasional stress-related outbursts are inevitable. We’re all human. It’s crucial to acknowledge when you have a stressful and challenging day that has limited your capacity and bandwidth to manage the situation the best you could and to forgive yourself. And, of course, it’s also important to put work into learning the skills and tools to reframe your stress into something more manageable. If you need a support system, join the Conscious Parenting Revolution Facebook group.
  2. Apologize for outbursts. A genuine apology goes a long way. If you completely lost your temper, tell your child that you are sorry and acknowledge the overreaction. Admit that you were triggered and overreacted and that you will try to do better next time. It’s important to ask for consideration from your child as well, so they can learn how to also be aware of your needs. For example, “Would you be willing to put your shoes away next time because I’m worried I will trip and fall” or “I could really use your help in cleaning up and making sure the house is tidy. Would you be willing to help me with that?” Kids understand more than we give them credit for and generally do want to be considerate of others.
  3. Acknowledge that it’s not about them. Do your kids know why you’re feeling so upset? Understanding breeds empathy, so share what’s happening in your life. Help your kids grasp that they aren’t solely responsible for your frayed nerves.
  4. Talk to them about stress. Transform an imperfect situation into a teaching moment for your kids. Start a conversation about the effects of stress, encouraging them to identify stressful situations in their own life. Discuss how everyone in the family can effectively handle tense moments.
  5. Ask for help and be a supportive partner. Recognize when you are stressed, will likely overreact and be triggered, and ask for support and help. On days when you’re feeling good and your co-parent is struggling, step in and take over. Offer to take on the mental load so they have time and space to recover. Supporting each other models healthy relationships for your children.

Strategies for Long-Term Stress Reduction

Repairing the effects of stress is an important first step, but the real work comes in reducing stress before it becomes a problem:

  • Recognize when you’re at low capacity. Don’t be afraid to call a time out for yourself.  Take a deep breath, go for a walk, and acknowledge that you’re having a tough day. Let go of stressful obligations like folding the laundry or battling the kids over screen time. You deserve space to recharge.
  • Reconnect with your family. Take the time to voice your needs to your children. How will they know what you need if you don’t tell them? Ask for their help brainstorming ways to support each other.
  • Find resources on parenting during stressful times. Parenting is a constant learning experience. It’s okay to admit that you need help becoming the parent you want to be. Check out our private FB group for access to a ton of parenting resources (and great advice).

We can only be the best for our family when we’re taking care of ourselves—and modeling self-compassion sets a great example for our children.

Ready to learn more about the Guidance Approach to Parenting? Apply to join the 90 Day Parenting Reset.

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Maintaining Your Mental and Emotional Health

We’re very aware of the importance of maintaining our physical health by eating well, exercising, getting additional nutrients through quality supplements, getting enough sleep, and more. But mental and emotional health are just as important. Whenever possible, doing what we can to prevent something is easier than treating it.

Here are a few simple strategies for mental and emotional wellbeing:

  1. Spend time with others. We’re social beings. Isolating ourselves can definitely ensure we get more done, but it’s not without a price. Spending time with others gives us time to connect, bond, share, and more. It also gives us the opportunity to show compassion, empathy and just laugh with others. So while we may not prioritize it as often as we need to, social interaction is a component of good mental health. 
  2. Train your brain. Keep your brain active and healthy. If the last time you read a book was in high school, I’m talking to you. If reading isn’t your thing, anything that causes you to think, do or try something different will work. One of the best ways to preserve your brain health is to challenge it each day.
  3. Take time for yourself. Between work, family, maintaining a home along with any other commitments you have, it can be challenging to find personal time. Nevertheless, spend a little time each day doing something that you enjoy. Even if it’s just sitting alone with a cup of coffee in the morning. While social activity is important, a little solitude is important, too.
  4. Spend time with positive people. Your thoughts, attitudes, and expectations mirror those of the people around you. By spending time with positive people, you’ll be more positive, too. Who are you spending your time with?
  5. Do work that you enjoy. Besides sleep, you spend more time working than you do on any other single activity. If your job makes you miserable, your emotional health is sure to suffer. Is your work rewarding and fulfilling? If you’re only doing that job for the financial reward, is there anything about it that would make the tasks you’re doing more enjoyable?
  6. Get involved. Share your time and yourself with causes and communities that inspire you. Helping others floods your body with healing hormones and chemicals that help us heal. And, helping others simply feels good.
  7. Spend more time doing things you love to do. What makes you happy? Spend more time doing it. Do you love animals, nature, sports? How can you not be happier if you spend more time doing things that make you happy?
  8. Get sufficient sleep. Sleep is necessary for good health, both physical and mental. Your ability to manage stress, make smart decisions, and regulate your emotions are dependent on getting enough sleep.
  9. Have a compelling future. For your emotional health to be at its best, you need something to look forward to. It can be a short-range plan or a long-range one but having something to look forward to gives us something to look forward to and be excited about. It doesn’t matter what it is, but you need something in the future that makes you smile when you think of it.

Give your mental health as much attention as you do your physical health (and, if you’re not giving your physical health much attention, let this serve as a reminder to take a few steps towards improving your physical health too.) With good mental health, you’ll be able to better handle the challenges that life throws at you. Of course, get professional help if you need it but most importantly, our emotional health is just as much of a priority as any other type of health we’re seeking.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources Women In Business

Dear Katherine: Did I Go Too Far Trying to Meet My Son’s Needs?

Dear Katherine,

My 5-year-old LOVES sleeping with Mom and Dad at night. When we aren’t together, he says things like, “I’m so alone in this house,” which breaks my heart.

When he began coming into our room at night, we tried to send him back to bed. But eventually, I recognized that he has an unmet need for affection at nighttime, so I decided to go back to his room with him and sleep in his bed. 

This decision has unleashed bedtime chaos. My son isn’t sleeping better, my husband and I are barely sleeping at all, and now our daughter feels left out and isn’t sleeping well either. 

I wanted to meet his need, but did I go too far? 

Sincerely,

Totally Exhausted

Hey there, Totally Exhausted,

I feel for you! Sleep deprivation is no joke, and running on empty can be detrimental to our mental and physical health.

I don’t think you took it too far trying to meet your son’s needs. You were trying to be an understanding parent. Still, it sounds like you both need to do some problem-solving here.

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Conscious parenting gives us two paths to take in the face of conflict. The first is to show your child how a change in behavior or routine benefits them. The second is to show them how their behavior or routine keeps you from meeting your own needs.

I recommend approaching this scenario from both sides!

Your son is still young, but he’s capable of understanding your emotions.

Try saying something like. . .

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“I really wanted to support you and help you sleep through the night, so I decided to sleep in your room with you. But now, I’m exhausted. And when I’m exhausted, I can’t be the best version of myself for you. So we need to figure out something else that works for both of us.”

If your son is anything like most kids, he hasn’t had many opportunities to solve a problem like this one. Even the most “well-behaved” children are used to adults telling them what to do, which isn’t conducive to raising independent kids.

Avoid that common parenting mistake by encouraging him to brainstorm a list of potential solutions with you. Let him know that any idea is acceptable, no matter how silly or improbable. The important thing is that he feels heard and empowered.

Once he has the freedom to brainstorm with you, the two of you can decide on the next course of action. You may need to try different solutions to see what works and what doesn’t—but you’ll figure it out. . . together.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

P.S. Want the chance to ask me your parenting questions live? Join our Tuesday Tips for Parents inside the Conscious Parenting Revolution Private Facebook Group.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness

Dear Katherine: I’m Nervous About the Teen Years!

Dear Katherine,

I’ve often heard you talk about why controlling forms of discipline and punishments are ineffective. But what about when kids are in danger?

Thankfully, I have yet to be in this specific position. Still, my kids are getting older. I’m worried about protecting them throughout their teen years without resorting to authoritarian discipline or punishment. As you know, teenagers can be notoriously difficult to communicate with!

How can I keep them safe in this phase of life while staying true to the ideals of conscious parenting?

Sincerely,

Concerned

Hi Concerned,

You bring up some great points that I’m happy to help you address.

I’m sensing two separate issues in your message: 1) protecting kids from danger without using force and 2) communicating effectively with teenagers.

Let’s tackle both!

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1. How to protect kids from danger without authoritarian discipline or force

Our number one job as parents is to keep our kids safe. If your child runs out into traffic, you don’t think twice; you grab them. It doesn’t matter that physically grabbing them is a use of force. We do what we must to protect our kids.

But of course, life isn’t always that black and white. As children get older, protecting them becomes more of a gray area.
It’s important to balance protecting kids with honoring their independence, and that starts with understanding the difference between using force as a protective measure (e.g., stopping a child from walking into traffic) and using it to command obedience or compliance (e.g., resorting to phrases like, “Because I said so”).

Let’s say your teenager wants their friend to drive them home after curfew, but you know this friend only just got their driver’s license and can’t yet legally have other kids in the car.

There are two ways to handle this situation. . .

You can put your foot down and say no, and when your child presses you, you can say, “Because I said so.” 

Or you can try a more respectful approach. “I like this friend of yours, and I’m happy to let you spend time with them, but I would hate for something bad to happen to either one of you in the car. What are the alternatives to this friend driving?” 

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Each example is a way of saying no. But in the first one, you’re using dominance to end the conversation. This approach may get you the desired outcome, but it won’t help your teenager understand the dangers of getting in a car with this friend. It will just make them feel misunderstood. It will also activate the famous 3Rs (retaliation, rebellion, and resistance).

In the second example, you’re leaving the door open for parent-child communication and giving some of the power back to your kid.

See the difference?

Now, let’s address the second issue.

2. How to communicate effectively with teenagers 

You mention that you aren’t sure how to parent teenagers, who are notoriously difficult to reach, without punishment or authoritarian discipline. But if a person is already hesitant to listen, do you think asserting dominance or using force will make them more or less inclined to do so?

I think we both know the answer. The good news is that you can get ahead of this catch-22 by building a foundation of trust.

You can’t protect your children if they don’t share their personal lives with you. They must have ample opportunity to confide in you about dating, friends, or schoolwork—and that you’re a safe sounding board for issues that come up.

Parenting wins don’t happen when you yell at your kid for coming home late. They happen when your child tells you about their friend who often stays out past curfew, and you explain to them, without judgment, the risks of being young and staying out too late.

I’m relieved to see you thinking about these scenarios before your child reaches this stage of life. Opening the lines of parent-child communication now will set a solid foundation and make the teen years ones your whole family can enjoy.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine

 

P.S. Want the chance to ask me your parenting questions live? Join our Tuesday Tips for Parents inside the Conscious Parenting Revolution Private Facebook Group.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources

5 Principles of Conscious Parenting

5 Principles of Conscious Parenting

At some point in our lives, we’ve all said this line when talking about our less-than-perfect childhoods:

If I ever have kids, I’ll never……

….make them feel like they’re less than enough

….yell at them in the middle of the grocery store

…lash out or make unreasonable rules

None of us want to repeat the mistakes our (often well-intentioned) parents made raising us. And yet, we unconsciously find ourselves repeating the cycle.

Parenting is hard. But things tend to get a lot more complicated when we act without introspection, without reflection, without consciousness.

Conscious parenting takes awareness, not only of your child, but of yourself. When we train ourselves to become aware of why we do things or react in a certain way, we can interrupt our patterns and choose a different response. We become better parents. And our children grow up to be better adults.

Willing to do the inner work to become a better parent? Here are 5 principles of conscious parenting that you can start working on now.

  1. See your kids for who they are: human beings. Parents often forget that their kids have their own quirks, preferences, and boundaries, which might conflict with the parents’ way of doing things! Your task isn’t to raise a clone of yourself, but to help your child grow and develop into the unique individual that they are.
  2. Listen with love. When voices are high or even hysterical — that’s when your child is telling you something important. You may feel the urge to yell right back, but you’ll learn a lot more if you can pause and listen instead.
  3. Build them up, don’t tear them down. Being overly critical can undermine your child’s confidence, but so can too much praise. Work to acknowledge your child’s achievements in a neutral way. Let them know that it’s possible to be good at something but still have room for improvement.
  4. Explain your reasoning. Children, even older children, may not understand the guidelines and boundaries you set for them at first. Take time to explain why they can’t watch TV for 4 hours straight or pouring milk all over dad’s laptop.
  5. Be flexible. Your parenting style should adjust to the unique needs of your child — not the other way around! Practice the 4 principles above, keep in mind that what works for one child won’t necessarily work for another, and adapt accordingly.

These principles are truly just the tip of the iceberg. If you’re ready to become a fully conscious parent, join me in the 90-Day Parenting Reset Program. This course will help you shift negative emotional patterns that eat away at healthy communication with your child.

It’s time to stop repeating old mistakes and let the past be in the past. You can step into the future by signing up for the 90-Day Parenting Reset Program.

Categories
Culture Growth Health and Wellness Human Resources

Dear Katherine: Should I Let My Daughter Stay Out as Late as Her Brother?

Dear Katherine,

My three children are 16, 13, and 9. They are all very social, but each child has a different curfew and different rules for social time. 

The 13-year-old is very upset that we won’t let her go to a party that ends at 11 p.m. She says that we would let our 16-year-old go to a party like that, which might be true depending on several factors, but our 16-year-old is old enough to have a later curfew.  

How can we help our 13-year-old see that she and her older brother are different people and that these are different situations? 

Sincerely,

Stuck in the Middle

Stuck in the Middle, this kind of conflict is completely normal in families with more than one child. Younger siblings always want to be just like their older siblings—or, just like their perceptions of their older siblings.

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You’re right to have different rules for your children. No two kids are the same. More importantly, what’s appropriate for your 16-year-old isn’t necessarily appropriate for your 13-year-old, and vice versa. I bet your 13-year-old knows that, too, even if she is fighting against it.

Conscious parenting is all about adapting your parenting approach to suit the needs of your unique child. Recognizing that you can’t have the same rules for all your children is a parenting win right off the bat! But how do you get your 13-year-old on board with a decision she doesn’t like?

The best course of action during family conflict is to initiate open parent-child communication. 

Explain to your daughter exactly why you don’t want her to go to that party, and ask her why she wants so badly to attend. You may find a compromise that works for both of you, like allowing her to stay out a bit later than normal, or hosting her closest friends at your home instead.

Make sure she knows that you aren’t saying no to assert your dominance but because you care about her safety and happiness. If she can understand that you’re on her side, she’ll be more receptive to listening to you.

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It would also be wise to explain why her older sibling has a different set of rules. Have an open conversation about their age difference, and invite her to contribute her opinions.

I know family conflicts are difficult, but above all I encourage you to be sensitive to the needs of your teenager.

Teenagers are especially vulnerable to the three R’s: resistance, rebellion, and retaliation. They crave autonomy. The more you interfere with that need, the more your daughter will push back against your rules. If she’s been included in the conversation, however, and feels she got to collaborate in creating the “rule” then the 3Rs may be avoided completely.

Your daughter wants—and needs—to learn how to manage her own life. Even the smallest compromises can make a big difference in showing her that you trust her judgment. Building trust in the beginning of the individuation process is key for a healthy parent-child relationship throughout her teenage years.

I’m sure you and your children will find the right balance that keeps everyone happy!

Categories
Best Practices Culture Growth Health and Wellness

What’s Your Story?

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

We tend to use this phrase when we talk about how similar a child is to their parents, when we notice repeated behaviors, patterns, and choices that pass across generations. The logic is simple: children mirror their parents’ actions and are wired to follow the examples they set.

Think about it. Our kids learn everything about life from us: how to crawl, walk, eat, sleep, talk—and eventually how to interact with other human beings and make their way through the world.

The pressure to set a good example or be a good role model can weigh heavily on you as a parent. That’s doubly true if you had issues or challenges (and who didn’t?) in your own childhood. Everyone faces roadblocks that stem directly from their childhood experiences. And whether or not we’re willing to admit it, our own upbringing directly affects how we raise our children.

I’ve shared my own story at a TEDxGEM in France: I had a loving but very traditional mother who believed that children should be seen and not heard. Because I was trained to repress my inner voice, I learned to keep my mouth shut—even when people took advantage of me.

We each have a story, and we all have scars. But we must put in the work to avoid perpetuating unhealthy patterns with our own kids. If you’re not careful, the issues your had with your own parents will rear their ugly heads in your relationships with your children.

Are you a new mother or father committed to building a loving, healthy environment for your baby to thrive? Or maybe you’re a seasoned parent whose negative patterns from your upbringing are beginning to show up in your relationship with your teenager?

Here are 3 warning signs that the apple may be a little too close to the tree:

  1. Projection. Did you have a happy childhood? Did you feel supported, understood, and seen by your primary caregivers? Adults who felt abandoned early in life, for example, may unknowingly project their own feelings onto their kids. A parental response could result in extreme behaviors such as distancing or smothering. When you respond to your child, are you acting based on your feelings or theirs?
  2. “Tough love.” Some parents deny their kids so-called benefits or privileges because they didn’t receive that treatment when they were growing up. A father may say, “You’ll work every summer instead of going to camp, because that’s how I grew up and learned to be responsible.” But “tough love” isn’t always the answer. Ask yourself if you really needed that kind of harsh treatment from your parents. What if they had been more supportive and understanding instead?
  3. Parenting out of fear. Parents understandably want to prevent their kids from making the same mistakes they did. But parenting out of fear that your children will rebel may convey the message that you don’t trust them—or, even worse, that they’re bad kids. A healthier alternative to fear-based parenting is to empower self-direction. Listen to your children’s thoughts and opinions. Show them that they can talk to you about anything and that you’ll always love them no matter what.

Facing your childhood issues head-on isn’t easy, but reckoning with your own story is the only way to ensure that the next chapter is better. When we heal past wounds, we release our children (and ourselves!) from generational patterns and lay the foundation for healthier parent-child dynamics. No matter where you are in your parenting journey, you can start to eliminate childhood baggage and create a clean slate for your kids.

Ready to work through your past to improve your relationship with your child? Send me a message and let’s begin your journey together.