Category: Growth

In the intricate dance of negotiations, language serves as both a tool and a battleground, particularly when it comes to gender. Negotiation is not just about the exchange of contractual terms and figures; it is also deeply influenced by how individuals communicate, and these communication patterns can vary based on gender-conditioning.

Nuances embedded within linguistic choices can profoundly shape the outcome of negotiations, reflecting and perpetuating societal norms and power dynamics. Whether it is the subtle differences in tone or through the manifestation of gender stereotypes, language often becomes a vehicle for reinforcing existing biases or challenging them.

The tendency for men to employ more direct language in negotiations can convey confidence and authority, which may influence how their messages are perceived by counterparts. Employing the use of clear and assertive language often translates to a sense of decisiveness. Conversely, women tend to use more indirect language in negotiations. While this approach can be seen as diplomatic and considerate, it may sometimes be perceived as less assertive or confident compared to direct communication styles.

These language nuances and conventions are not solely influenced by individual preferences but are also shaped by broader societal and cultural norms. Expectations and stereotypes associated with gender roles may inadvertently impact how individuals communicate during negotiations.

However, effective negotiation isn’t about conforming to rigid stereotypes but rather about leveraging communication strategies that resonate with the specific context and counterpart. It’s about being adaptable, aware, and responsive to the dynamics at play. In a negotiation where gender biases may influence perceptions, individuals can overcome challenges by promoting open dialogue and mutual understanding.

The first step to overcoming these gender-conditioned approaches is awareness. It’s one of the reasons I started my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ book discussing the problems of social conditioning and its impact on bargaining approaches and outcomes. It’s important to be intentional about our approach to negotiation. This intentionality requires both self-awareness and societal conditioning awareness.

Understanding these linguistic differences, for example, is crucial for negotiators. By recognizing and adapting to these tendencies, negotiators can strategically align their communication styles with the desired negotiation objectives. For instance, women negotiators might consider incorporating more direct language when clarity and assertiveness are paramount in a negotiation context. And men may be better served by leaning in to so-called ‘softer’ approaches to get more creative outcomes.

Enhancing awareness and skill is important in improving negotiation strategies for all genders. For example, practicing different communication styles and learning to navigate biases can equip negotiators with tools to communicate more effectively. But, navigating this and challenging biases can be a difficult journey.

Inherent and individual nature certainly affects choices made in dialogue. For example, a man who is soft-spoken or has a natural gentle demeanor may be perceived as less confident or decisive because his behaviour does not fit into typical expectations of how men act. On the other side, a woman who is more direct or resolute in her use of language may be seen as callous or aggressive because she does not fit typical social perceptions. Before my epiphany I fell into this latter category. My clients called me the ‘Barracuda’ for approaches that would have been considered unremarkable in my male colleagues.

The pressures of social norms may force individuals to fight against their inherent nature in order to fit imposing standards. However, authentic and genuine communication become a common forgotten skill when adhering to societal conventions of language. Acknowledging these gender-based communication tendencies is essential for navigating interpersonal interactions effectively.

In negotiations the choice of language can significantly influence perceptions of credibility and competence. The approach of genuine conversation and attitudes instead of using facades can positively impact negotiation styles and foster a more harmonious environment. Trust is critical in any negotiation. Authenticity is key to build this necessary trust.

Ultimately, successful negotiation hinges on effective communication that fosters mutual understanding and agreement. Ongoing research into gender and language in negotiation informs best practices for promoting equity and inclusivity. For instance, studies on negotiation strategies that account for diverse communication styles can offer practical insights for improving negotiation outcomes and fostering respectful dialogue among negotiators. By embracing diverse communication styles and navigating gender-based language tendencies thoughtfully, negotiators can enhance their ability to achieve favorable outcomes while fostering constructive dialogue and relationships in the negotiating arena.

The new highly anticipated Netflix series, “A Man in Full”, demonstrates the desperate need for a new reframe on negotiation success. In fact, watching the show last night reminded me why I launched my mission for the Art of Feminine Negotiation. ™

While the series should play as a parody of masculine toxicity, sadly, it rings true for much of what passes as strong leadership these days. Whether it’s the business tycoon, the banking hotshot, the simpering loans officer, the mayor, or legal counsel, the male leads can hardly be called protagonists. Each in their own way are antagonists or antiheros, displaying behaviour that is neither acceptable nor productive.

The men in the show put on a full-on display of toxic masculine conditioning run amok. Not surprisingly, there is an inordinate amount of references to balls and pricks with a corresponding number of F-bombs or derivatives thereof thrown into the mix. The language reflects the behaviour.

The men brag about their relative abilities to ‘kick another man’s ass’ (both literally and figuratively) and are hell-bent on destruction of their ‘opponents’. Ego and testosterone abound in virtually every interaction between the males in the show. As in real life, this does not end well.

Respect and dignity are not a factor in their negotiations. In fact, the over-riding goal in almost every negotiation featured appears to be the humiliation and belittling of the other side. Brutish bullying seems to be the go-to modus operandi even when it’s to the character’s detriment.

Winning is everything, but unfortunately their concepts of winning do not allow for best outcomes. Taking the most aggressive path is always chosen even when it doesn’t best serve the party taking that approach. Charlie Croker (played by Jeff Daniels) brags that ‘I may be a sore loser sometimes, but I’m a vicious winner’ as if this is a sign of his superior business acumen.

Don’t get me wrong. The production is fabulous, and the acting is exceptional. It’s the message I take issue with. I expect the hope is that the audience will see the folly in the traditional competitive and polarizing approach to negotiating (in business and life) and choose a better path – a more collaborative, creative path to a better future. Heck, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ – to truly seek to understand and meet the needs of the other party in our interactions and negotiations. But I fear that the audience will take away the opposite lesson, believing that emulating this toxic, divisive behaviour is somehow a sign of power and success.

Allow me to spin some better lessons to take away from the show:

1. Surrender ego for better negotiated outcomes. Bumper-car egos are an impediment to good negotiating. Parking ego when approaching a negotiation will virtually always make space for better resolutions.
2. Build rapport and trust and with it, better results. Effective negotiation is all about connection. Personalized attacks destroy the possibility of connection that allows for bigger and better opportunities.
3. Empathy is key to getting to the heart of the matter and opening space for unexpected wins for all.
4. Holding all your cards to your chest (rather than allowing for transparency and vulnerability) may preclude your ability to find the real deal.
5. Be willing to be flexible. Staying too attached to one particular outcome precludes your ability to see better possibilities lying on the table for the having.
6. Aggressiveness is not the same as assertiveness. The former shows a lack of confidence in your knowledge of the subject whereas the latter comes from effective preparation and intention in showing up as the best version of yourself.
7. Curiosity is more effective than bullying in negotiations.
8. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. Shutting down either is not an effective way to get your best result.
9. Integrity matters in negotiation and in life. I mean this in both sense of the word. Sacrificing our moral code inevitably backfires as does coming from a place not in keeping with our core values.
10. Machismo is not strength. In fact, the so-called ‘soft skills’ are the strongest way to best outcomes.

It’s that time of the year again. Another season change, and with it the daily uncertainty of how to dress … and more. As I’ve struggled with simple decisions during the long transition from winter to spring, it struck me that there are lessons to be learned from this quarterly dance that could improve negotiation success. I thought I’d share them with you.

One of the foundational elements of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system is my A.R.E. F.I.T (just think you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator) model. It’s a simple mnemonic representing the key skills you need to bring to the table to get best negotiated outcomes: Assertiveness, Rapport Building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust.

Surprisingly, these skills apply whether navigating season changes or negotiating high stakes deals. Let’s unpack them.

Assertiveness:

Most people confuse assertiveness with aggression. They’re not the same thing. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s simple really.

Rather than railing at Mother Nature about unexpected elements during season changes (like a major dump of snow the day after you swapped out your snow tires with regular tires), instead do a little preparation. Check the forecasts, consider historical patterns, calculate the pros and cons of early versus late switchover (i.e. wear on your snow tires from dry pavement versus an accident from no traction with regular tires). Ultimately you need to make a decision, knowing it may work out as planned, but it may not.

This is much like the decision-making process in traditional negotiations. Unexpected elements arise. We can try to bully and bluster our way through these changes (typically to no avail other than damaging relationships and with it outcomes), or we can do the preparation necessary to make informed decisions, remaining open to the potential need to pivot when things move in a different direction.

Rapport-Building

I invite you to introduce yourself to each new season. Embrace it. Discover it. Show up with curiosity. Connect. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Build a relationship with each new stage. This approach will almost certainly allow for a better experience.

Similarly, in your negotiations, don’t treat the other party as the enemy. Don’t think of them (or their ideas or proposals) as something to ‘get through’ until you can impose your will. Be intentional about building rapport. Negotiation is all about relationship and connection.

Empathy

It’s easy to get frustrated with the changes each new season brings. From the frogs hopping haphazardly on the roadways with spring rainfalls (making nighttime driving an adventure), to the bugs splatting against your windshield or vying for your blood, it’s easy to resent them. I get it. But what if, instead, you put yourself in their shoes? Imagine how challenging their lives are, struggling to survive their too-short time on Earth. Recognize their contribution to the eco-system and how everything falls apart without the diversity they offer. Your tolerance will rise and your frustration fall.

Likewise, in negotiations, the key to greater success is truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party. Listen and learn. Adopt their perspective to broaden your own. It will profoundly change your experience and your outcomes.

Flexibility

Be prepared to be flexible during change of seasons. You may leave in the morning with frost on the ground and a bitter wind biting through your clothing, only to be sweating in your aptly named sweater by lunchtime. Wear layers. Bring a change of clothing. Be flexible to the need to shift.

Negotiations are no different. The other party may not show up as expected. Positions may change. Either theirs or your situation may shift. It’s important to remain flexible and open to new possibilities that may present and to find the golden opportunity in these unexpected shifts.

Intuition

Sometimes, even with all the preparation in the world, you just need to tap into your intuition. If you’re dying to enjoy the back deck but your intuition tells you that a whopper of a storm with gale-force winds is coming, maybe you don’t put out the patio furniture and cushions today.

This skill is often ignored or undervalued in negotiations as well. Trust your instincts. If your spidey-sense is sending off alarm bells about the trustworthiness of your bargaining counterpart, trust it! Sometimes quick decisions need to be made in negotiations. If so, slow your breathing, close your eyes, and connect with your intuition.

Trust

Nature can seem haphazard – sometimes even cruel. But there is an order to the seeming chaos. Nature is efficient. There is little waste or excess. Virtually everything serves a purpose and works in near perfect synchronicity. Trust it. Respect it.

In our real-world negotiations, it’s also critical to earn trust and respect. Show up with integrity. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. Protect your reputation. Keep your word.

As you settle in to the changes this spring brings from your corner of the world, seek to fully enjoy the experience. Be intentional in your daily negotiations and in your daily navigation of the season changes. In that way, you can position yourself to negotiate your best life.

As I look out the window and see rain pouring down (again) I’m reminded of the ‘April showers bring May flowers’ proverb. At first, I prided myself on my ability to bring a positive perspective to the doldrums of the rain. But I quickly realized that I still have work to do as even that ‘spin’ sets a negative, disempowering tone.

Language matters. Our brain tries to give us what it thinks we want. When I quip that ‘April showers bring May flowers’, I’m really training my brain to see April (and its showers) as something I need to persevere through to get to the May flowers. That perspective brings resistance with it.

What if, instead, I focused on the sheer joy of the showers themselves? Not as a journey to get to the ultimate destination of flowers, but rather, as an exceptional experience in and of itself.

What if I trained my brain to appreciate the wildly divergent sound patterns that the rain brings us – a symphony of music, changing tempo and tone moment to moment. And what if I celebrated the dance of the raindrops as they hit different surfaces, creating art in the myriad of unexpected patterns that emerge. What if I closed my eyes and breathed in the rich earthy smells the rain evokes.

Rather than April showers being something to endure on the journey to May flowers, they would become a gift that brings joy in the journey.

And what if we applied that principle to our lives? Think of any task you have on your plate at the moment. I invite you to choose to appreciate each step of the journey enroute to completion of that task. And yes, it is a choice.

You get to determine where you put your focus and what meaning you attach to your thoughts. Negotiating your mindset may be the most important negotiation you undertake in every moment of each day. You can focus on the end goal, seeing each step in the process as a necessary evil to reach that goal. Or you can embrace those interim steps as moments to be fully experienced and enjoyed along the way.

Consider your bigger vision and dreams for your life. Do you see the steps along the path to that vision as a grind, a trial or a tribulation? I invite you to ensure you choose mindful presence in each moment as you move toward your vision. Choose joy in the journey.

If your brain tries to give you what we want, how much more empowered will your adventures be if you train it to find the joy? To seek the beauty and gifts. To bask in gratitude in each moment.

Imagine how much better your life can be when you accept that you hold the power to train your brain to seek more positive and uplifting evidence. Simple perspective shifts can be gamechangers in life. You can choose to adopt one of these gamechangers now.

From attending to small tasks, to relationship building, to building an empire, choose joy in the journey. How simple is that?

Today is International Women’s Day. I invite you to take time to think about the women in your life who deserve to be celebrated but seldom get recognized. Let’s salute the extraordinary everyday women who add value to the world with no expectation of celebrity … or even acknowledgement. We all know many of these women.
I’m not talking about celebrating martyrdom here, but rather, taking a few moments to meaningfully consider the women who quietly make a difference in the world. We have become such an extrovert and fame-driven society, with influencers and celebs sucking all the oxygen, that countless women who have profound impact go unnoticed and under-appreciated.
Let’s make today their day. Let’s honour them. Let’s shout from the rooftops in celebration of their greatness.
I’ve been doing this myself this week, leading up to International Women’s Day. It’s a humbling experience. I confess, I’ve been pushing for visibility, touting my Wall Street Journal best-selling book and bragging about my recent features in Forbes, Women’s World, LA Weekly, etc. Meanwhile, millions of women, everyday, show up with compassion, kindness, generosity, empathy, curiosity, and creativity. They listen, inspire, and build trust. They seek to understand the perspectives of others. They lift up others to be the best they can, never seeking reward or the limelight.
I was talking to my daughter about International Women’s Day and my husband walked by saying “So when do men get celebrated?” I immediately quipped back, “Well, that would be the other 364 days of the year.” I said it as a fun bite back. But then I got to thinking that there was some truth in that. Women have been conditioned to play small, play nice, not brag on themselves, not take up too much space.
So today, I’d like to start a wave of well-deserved (but too long delayed) heartfelt gratitude and recognition for all those women who make a difference – whether for their family, intimate partners, community, or on the global scene – without expectation.
We’ve become very focused on transactional relationships in our society today. Always looking for the return on investment. Let’s honour those women who do great things with no thought of ‘what’s in it for them’. Let’s celebrate them for a change.
I invite you to recognize them by posting about them publicly. I’ve set up a page to do that. Simply go HERE on Facebook or HERE if Insta is your jam and post a pic and/or brief blurb about your chosen woman to honour.
Don’t be shy or stingy with sharing the praise. Choose as many women as you think deserve to be recognized. Share the post in your circles so it can travel today and beyond giving the long overdue appreciation to extraordinary everyday women who make the world a better place just by being them.

How You Can Achieve More by Negotiating from an Abundance (versus Scarcity) Mindset

We hear a lot these days about abundance versus scarcity mindsets. Many consider these concepts to be woo-woo and dismiss them. This is not surprising in a society where we’ve been conditioned to define success based on a competitive ‘winner take all’ approach. With the new year fast approaching, I invite you to embrace an abundance mindset in your negotiations and beyond. You may be surprised at the returns that abound from this outlook.

First let’s touch on what we mean by abundance versus scarcity mindsets. In short, scarcity mindsets assume limited resources are available and so, we fight over this perceived limited access, believing that’s the only way to secure a piece of the fixed pie available. By contrast, abundance mindsets assume limitless resources. Rather than fighting over a fixed pie, let’s create some more pie so everyone can share in it. Better yet, rather than only having pecan pie available, let’s create different kinds of pie so everyone can get what they want, how they want it.

Admitted, I’ve over-simplified the concept. Yet I challenge you to genuinely consider which approach would better serve … you individually and humanity generally. Imagine a world where we believed that unlimited love, happiness, and wealth was available for all. Scarcity mindsets are narrow and limiting, pitting us against each other, whereas abundance provides an ever-expanding expectation of more, inspiring creativity to find bigger, better options.

I certainly saw this divide in my law practice. In fact, I believe it’s one of the fatal flaws in our legal system. I even saw this approach in my coaching business. It’s ironic that in the personal development business we still see some approaching the business from a territorial, protective place – hardly a model for evolved personal development. By contrast, I always strove to be generous, sharing my resources and collaborating openly and extensively.

Those who encourage abundance mindsets are more magnetic and have a more profound positive impact. I invite you to give wide berth to those who operate on principles of scarcity, seeking to motivate through pain points and fear.

Which approach you adopt is a choice. You have 100% responsibility for your experience of life. Why not choose better? This fundamental choice between abundance versus scarcity affects your business opportunities, your relationships (personally and professionally) and the quality of the experiences in your life.

It stands to reason that if you withhold in your relationships, believing there are limited rations at your disposal to share, you will not love fully and deeply. If you impose limitations on your love, or conditions, or insist on expectations of equal reciprocity, you lose out on the joy of unqualified love and giving.

In business, if you think small, seeing restrictions rather than pursuing a big, bolder vision for yourself, you will limit your options, and with it your potential for maximum success. I was guilty of this for a time in my law practice. I under-charged what I was worth, and I stayed smaller than I needed.

Even in our personal experiences, we often limit our potential for living into the boldest version of our lives. I was guilty of this for a time. Growing up in a low rental apartment complex, where money was always a source of conflict with my parents, I carried a lot of money baggage. I wanted to live large, and I believed I was as I travelled extensively and embraced new experiences. But, if I’m ruthlessly honest with myself, I always sought out the budget version of my experiences.

Recently, on our trip to Antarctica, I decided to adopt an abundance mindset. I booked a Panoramic suite. The price point almost made me choke, but I chose to believe I was worth it. I chose to believe the enhanced experience would be worth it. I chose to believe the money would come. And guess what? I was, it was and it did. That trip was a once in a lifetime extraordinary experience.

Where are you holding back in your life? Where are you thinking small? Where are you living in a scarcity mindset when an abundance mindset would better serve you?

As you step into this new year, I invite you to think bigger, live larger, expand your boundaries, give more freely, and fully embrace this life you’ve been given, squeezing out the juice, confident that you can create more.