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Author: Debi Silber

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Trust is Like a Brick Wall

Trust is like a brick wall

Here’s a visual that explains how trust works. Imagine a huge brick wall. That wall was built by adding one brick at a time, brick by brick and slowly over a certain period; those bricks accumulate to become a solid and strong structure. It can take years to build, and the only way to build it is by adding one brick at a time. There’s no shortcut to building that wall any faster, and the only way to build it is by carefully adding one brick at a time.

Every opportunity that person has to show they’re trustworthy represents one brink in the wall

Then due to a betrayal and shattering of trust, it takes only moments for it to be torn down.

Now, imagine that huge brick wall tumbling down because of something tragic and unexpected. You’re looking at the rubble that used to be this enormous brick wall, and you can’t imagine how that wall can ever be repaired. Here’s what I believe.

I believe it can’t be repaired, but it can be rebuilt

You’re looking at a pile of bricks that took years of consistency, repetition, and attention to build. If the entire wall came tumbling down, patching it up simply won’t work. With the brick wall down, you also have an opportunity to see if it can be rebuilt any better, bigger, stronger, or more beautiful.

You have another option too

That option is to decide if it’s even worth the effort and energy it would take to rebuild or if you’d be better off walking away. If you choose to rebuild a new wall, however, what’s the only way to put it back together again? Brick by brick by brick.

Sure, you can stare at the rubble of bricks and decide that it’s too big and too exhausting of a task to build again. You can question if it’s worth the effort and energy that it will take to rebuild and how you’ll approach this new project. But that’s totally up to you.

That’s how trust works 

It can take years to build trust with someone and in one earth-shattering moment, the entire wall can come tumbling down.

While it can most definitely be built again, however, there are unfortunately no shortcuts here. Building that trust couldn’t be rushed when it was originally being built, and it certainly can’t be rushed when it comes to building it again, especially if the intention is to rebuild that trust with the person who hurt you. Let’s dive into this a bit more.

Rebuilding trust in yourself and your decisions and trusting in something bigger, in life, and in your healing is completely up to you

Rebuilding trust in the person who hurt you involves a few other steps, so let’s start there. First, it may or may not be an option. If the person who hurt you is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, if they’re denying what they did or said, or if they somehow blame you for the betrayal, you really don’t have much to work with here when it comes to rebuilding trust with that person.

Trying to rebuild trust when you’re met with this response isn’t the best use of your time and energy. Your experience may also leave you with the fact that the person who hurt you may no longer be alive or in any capacity to begin this new trust-rebuilding project. So, here it’s best to focus on yourself and your healing so that you can move on.

However, while some people are unwilling to rebuild trust with the person they hurt, some betrayers can be open, available, and eager to rebuild a new and better brick wall of trust if given the opportunity. These people have very different responses. These are the “bricklayers,” the ones ready and willing to do whatever it takes to build a new wall. They’re grateful for the opportunity, and it’s as if the fog has been cleared for them to see you and what truly matters so clearly. These are the people who (if you are willing to try too) are going to do all they can to build something new and beautiful. Once realizing how deeply they hurt you (while being remorseful, taking full responsibility, and, if they’re willing, doing what it takes to regain your trust), you can slowly see the potential here.

If this is your betrayer’s honest response to the pain they caused and you’re willing to consider slowly and carefully rebuilding a new relationship with that person, you’re both in a position to see that brick wall slowly become rebuilt.

How do you know if that person is willing to do the work and if it’s in your best interest to watch that wall get rebuilt? How do you know when it’s best to walk away? How do you rebuild trust in yourself and others so you regain that sense of safety and security that was torn down? I teach you how in Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness.

Trust is so foundation and when it’s shattered, it impacts our trust in others, in ourselves…in everything. When we’re coming from that space, we’ve closed ourselves off to the joy, love, and fulfillment that’s available to us when we learn how to safely, carefully, and cautiously trust again. You deserve to heal from all of it.

Not only is it possible, it’s predictable.

If you’ve been stuck for years, even decades, it’s likely due to the shattering of trust, betrayal, and/or a belief system that no longer serves you. The beliefs and habits we form as a result can make us healed…or hardened. Join me for a free launch party on Oct. 5th for the release of my newest book: From Hardened to Healed: The Effortless Path to Release Resistance, Get Unstuck and Create a Life You Love.

Categories
Growth Personal Development

Accepting Change

Let’s face it, change can be hard and within change is the inherent fear factor- leaving what we have known and are comfortable with and not knowing what the future will bring. Of course, the more comfortable and content we are with our situation, the more difficult it can be to make the adjustment.

Yet even knowing that change in life is inevitable, it very often still fills us with a sense of grief. Losing a friend, job, or opportunity understandably fills us with tremendous sadness, as can a break-up, betrayal, or disappointment, but even seemingly happy occasions can be just as traumatic. Especially if they are situations that force us to move from one stage of life to another. Graduating from high school or college, leaving a job, or moving to a new location, birthdays, weddings and retirement can fill us with distress. Leaving what we’ve known, are used to, and are comfortable with, whether good or bad, can lead us to that overwhelming sense of loss and/or anxiety.

The crux of the anxiety associated with change comes from the fact that we feel that we are losing something. At times, we may even feel that we have no control. Shifting that paradigm will go a long way to making the process smoother and less painful and it really isn’t as hard as you may think.

Acceptance is key

 Although it’s perfectly natural to want to fight against the tide, cross our arms, dig our heels in to prevent change, it can be as impossible as preventing the change of seasons. Taking the time to fully understand your feelings and their complexity is an essential part of acceptance. As exciting as it may be to start something new, we may also be experiencing fear, nervousness, and anxiety about what we’re leaving behind. It helps to:

  1. Focus on the positives that the change will bring.
  2. Be patient with yourself- understand that it takes time to adjust to a new normal.
  3. Visualize specific benefits associated with the change, such as making new friends, navigating through unchartered territory, and discovering things about yourself.
  4. Get caught in the positive wave. This can help you see and focus on what you’re gaining versus what you’ve lost.

Practice gratitude

Being appreciative for what you’ve known and the joy it has given you goes a long way in moving on. Taking time to reflect on where the experience fits into the bigger picture is very helpful.

  1. Understanding that life is about growth and learning.
  2. Honoring what you have learned.
  3. Finding the gift in the change goes a long way in accepting what is.

It may take some effort, but it is possible to promote enthusiasm for what’s to come.

Sometimes, reflection and redefinition are called for

Very often when you’ve spent a long time doing something, such as child rearing, it’s difficult to envision doing anything else.  It is not unusual to experience emptiness and disconnection in such a situation. Many people feel lost and confused about who they are when their identity had been so strongly associated with a particular purpose in life. Now that our role is changing it is not uncommon to experience an identity crisis. Having to redefine ourselves can often cause us to experience grief as we mourn the person we used to be, but it can also be exciting to imagine who we are becoming.

  1. Be patient with yourself.
  2. Take the time to get reacquainted with yourself.
  3. Identify how you have changed- what were you like before this stage of your life?
  4. What do you yearn for now?

90% of the participants who participated in a recent survey that I conducted on betrayal said that they wanted to move forward, but that they didn’t know how. When you’re in the middle of a major life change, no matter what the change, it’s hard to imagine ever becoming your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual best. But it can happen. It just takes a commitment to do so. You are worth dedicating time to understand and take care of yourself and to transform into the best version of you, yet.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Personal Development

Rewiring the Brain So You Can Bounce Back from Setbacks Faster and Easier

Why do we need to be resilient?

It’s inevitable that in our lifetimes, circumstances will come along that throw us off track. We can lose a job or lose a loved one. We can argue with a coworker or discover we’ve been betrayed at the deepest level by someone we trusted. We can be struggling with finance or receive news that forever changes our lives in an instant. Some of these circumstances are easy enough to bounce back from while others can completely derail us. How we handle these life events has a lot to do with our wiring, our beliefs, our worldview, our thoughts, and our conditioning.

While we used to believe that our brains were fixed by around age 25, the great news is, through neuroplasticity, we can rewire our brain to harness new ways of coping; hardwiring us so that we can more easily adapt and recover from the less severe stressors as well as recover from trauma.

The more I learn about the brain, the more I respect this amazing organ and its capacity. Years ago I was a believer that “we are who we are” and I’ve since learned that while who we are may have been shaped by lots of influences like family, how we were raised, what we’ve experienced, and more, we are in complete control of either staying the same or changing our brain and propelling forward if we choose to.

So how do we do that?

Here are the ways the brain is conditioned:

  • Conditioning: This is what the brain does all the time, on its own when we’re going about our day. This is the result of repeated thoughts which over time, have become unconscious beliefs. For example, have you ever noticed how you seem to respond to a particular scenario the same way time after time? That’s conditioning.
  • New Conditioning: Here’s where we learn a new way to work with the brain. Maybe we begin a mindfulness practice, we start to journal, meditate or begin a gratitude practice. We’re creating new wiring which opens the door to a new perspective and new way to think, act, and react.
  • Reconditioning: Here’s where we actually rewire the brain. Instead of those triggers which would normally ignite our stress response, we’re choosing to use those new practices we’ve been learning to lessen the emotional charge the stressors previously caused. For example, and in a very simplified way, maybe when you think of your ex-partner, you feel angry, bitter, and resentful. With reconditioning, you’re choosing to use one of the tools and strategies you learned through new conditioning so that the power of the positive emotion you learned through your mindfulness practice, for example, is stronger than the negative charge you feel when thinking about your ex. At the very moment, you’d normally go to that automatic and negative response, you choose a different response to create a different outcome. Over time, the negative experience loses its emotional charge. The memory will still be there, but the impact and hold it has over you has lost its grip.
  • Deconditioning: Here’s where we’re daydreaming, visualizing, and open to new possibilities because we’re using the insights we’re receiving during these mentally relaxed times to implement change. For example, that insight now available to you because of the clarity you’re feeling as a result of your new meditation practice, has an opportunity to be formulated and created.

Becoming more resilient allows us to better handle how we respond, and handle the challenges we face. Stay tuned for ways to increase your resilience, and hardwire the brain in ways that support you and bring you closer to the body, health, life, mindset, and lifestyle you want most.

Dr. Debi
CEO and Founder, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Personal Development

Five Ways to Fix a Major Screw Up

Whether it was intentional or unintentional, sometimes we simply screw up.

Here are 5 Ways to Fix a Major Screw Up:

  1. Own It:

There’s nothing more frustrating than when someone refuses to take responsibility for their behaviors and actions-especially when those behaviors and actions caused harm. While we’re often so willing to overlook and forgive an error in judgment or a transgression, we tend to hang onto it more tightly when the person who caused the harm refuses to own it. So, instead of blaming, making excuses, getting defensive, ignoring it, or assuming the other person doesn’t need an explanation or apology, take responsibility for the part you played (whether it was intentional or unintentional) and own it.

  1. Use Their Language:

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts explains how there are different ways to communicate love, and the secret to a love that lasts is found in communicating in the way your partner wants and needs to hear it. So, when trying to fix a major screw-up, the same idea applies. It’s not about communicating your awareness, understanding, or apology in a way that works for you but in the way that’ll resonate with the person you hurt. Do they need a kind gesture or a sincere apology? Convey your message in a way that works for them.

  1. Remorse, Empathy, and Restitution:

According to the dictionary, remorse is deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed. Empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. Restitution is an act of restoring or a condition of being restored. When it comes to fixing a major screw-up, these three conditions work beautifully together and lay the foundation for forgiveness. Now, sometimes an action can’t be fixed but is there something you can do to show your willingness to right the wrong? Here’s what these three together may sound like: “I’m so terribly sorry (remorse). I understand why you’d be upset. I get it and I’d be upset and hurt if you did that to me (empathy). What can I do to make it up to you?” (restitution).

  1. Learn From It:

Our actions emerge from our current level of awareness. When we’re coming from a place of fear and lack, our actions will represent that. When we’re in a place of love and abundance, our actions will represent that too. A major screw-up is most likely coming from a place of fear and lack. If it’s coming from love and abundance, it was most definitely unintentional. In either case, learn from it to make sure you don’t do it again. Did you act without thinking? Fail to consider the consequences or the other person’s needs? Did an inflated ego or pride cause you to say or do something you now regret? Maybe learning from it and implementing a simple rule like: “Would I like that done to me?” If the answer is yes, do it and if the answer is no, don’t.

  1. Self-Forgiveness and Paying it Forward:

Once you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and behavior, communicated in a way the person you hurt will understand, were remorseful, empathetic, offered restitution, and learned from it, there are still a few more things you can do. Forgiveness takes time along with consistent effort to repair the damage done so have patience. The bigger the screw up the longer it can take because the person you hurt may be reeling from the shock, pain or anguish you caused and has to find new footing as they readjust to what they’ve just experienced by your actions. This process is now about them as they learn what role they may have played, what changes they need to make to feel valued, safe and secure again. While they’re working through it, healing, changing, and growing as a result of what they’ve just been through, now is also the time to work on self-forgiveness. Sure, you may feel guilt and shame for the pain you caused but that doesn’t help anyone.

Forgiving yourself allows you to use what you’ve learned to grow, become a better version of yourself, and use your new awareness to not only ensure it won’t happen again but to help others by what you now see so clearly. Paying it forward by preventing someone else from experiencing that pain doesn’t mean you didn’t cause the harm, but may just be what’s needed to prevent someone else from causing or being the recipient of a painful experience. Paying it forward also contributes to the greater good and that’s what life is all about.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Made a Mistake? Here’s How to Begin Fixing It

Whether it was intentional or unintentional, sometimes we simply screw up. 

Own It: 

There’s nothing more frustrating than when someone refuses to take responsibility for their behaviors and actions-especially when those behaviors and actions caused harm. While we’re often so willing to overlook and forgive an error in judgment or a transgression, we tend to hang onto it more tightly when the person who caused the harm refuses to own it. So, instead of blaming, making excuses, getting defensive, ignoring it or assuming the other person doesn’t need an explanation or apology, take responsibility for the part you played (whether it was intentional or unintentional) and own it. Now, in a case of betrayal or shattered trust, it’ll take more than that but you’re off to a good start.)

Use Their Language: 

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts explains how there are different ways to communicate love and the secret to a love that lasts is found in communicating in the way your partner wants and needs to hear it. So, when trying to fix a major screw up, the same idea applies. It’s not about communicating your awareness, understanding or apology in a way that works for you but in the way that’ll resonate with the person you hurt. Do they need a kind gesture or a sincere apology? Convey your message in a way that works for them.

Remorse, Empathy, and Restitution: 

According to the dictionary, remorse is deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed. Empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. Restitution is an act of restoring or a condition of being restored. When it comes to fixing a major screw up, these three conditions work beautifully together and lay the foundation for forgiveness. Now, sometimes an action can’t be fixed but is there something you can do to show your willingness to right the wrong? Here’s what these three together may sound like: “I’m so terribly sorry (remorse). I understand why you’d be upset. I get it and I’d be upset and hurt if you did that to me (empathy). What can I do to make it up to you?” (restitution).

Learn From It: 

Our actions emerge from our current level of awareness. When we’re coming from a place of fear and lack, our actions will represent that. When we’re in a place of love and abundance, our actions will represent that too. A major screw up is most likely coming from a place of fear and lack. If it’s coming from love and abundance, it was most definitely unintentional. In either case, learn from it to make sure you don’t do it again. Did you act without thinking? Fail to consider the consequences or the other person’s needs? Did an inflated ego or pride cause you to say or do something you now regret? Maybe learning from it and implementing a simple rule like: “Would I like that done to me?” If the answer is yes, do it and if the answer is no, don’t.

Self-Forgiveness and Paying it Forward:

Once you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and behavior, communicated in a way the person you hurt will understand, were remorseful, empathetic, offered restitution and learned from it, there are still a few more things you can do. Forgiveness takes time along with consistent effort to repair the damage done so have patience. The bigger the screw up the longer it can take because the person you hurt may be reeling from the shock, pain or anguish you caused and has to find new footing as they readjust to what they’ve just experienced by your actions. This process is now about them as they learn what role they may have played, what changes they need to make to feel valued, safe and secure again. While they’re working through it, healing, changing and growing as a result of what they’ve just been through, now is also the time to work on self-forgiveness. Sure, you may feel guilt and shame for the pain you caused but that doesn’t help anyone.

Forgiving yourself allows you to use what you’ve learned to grow, become a more awakened and enlightened version of yourself, and use your new awareness to not only ensure it won’t happen again, but to help others by what you now see so clearly. Paying it forward by preventing someone else from experiencing that pain doesn’t mean you didn’t cause the harm, but may just be what’s needed to prevent someone else from causing or being the recipient of a painful experience. Paying it forward also contributes to the greater good and that’s what life is all about.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Made a Mistake? Here’s How to Begin Fixing It

Whether it was intentional or unintentional, sometimes we simply screw up. 

Own It: 

There’s nothing more frustrating than when someone refuses to take responsibility for their behaviors and actions-especially when those behaviors and actions caused harm. While we’re often so willing to overlook and forgive an error in judgment or a transgression, we tend to hang onto it more tightly when the person who caused the harm refuses to own it. So, instead of blaming, making excuses, getting defensive, ignoring it or assuming the other person doesn’t need an explanation or apology, take responsibility for the part you played (whether it was intentional or unintentional) and own it. Now, in a case of betrayal or shattered trust, it’ll take more than that but you’re off to a good start.)

Use Their Language: 

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts explains how there are different ways to communicate love and the secret to a love that lasts is found in communicating in the way your partner wants and needs to hear it. So, when trying to fix a major screw up, the same idea applies. It’s not about communicating your awareness, understanding or apology in a way that works for you but in the way that’ll resonate with the person you hurt. Do they need a kind gesture or a sincere apology? Convey your message in a way that works for them.

Remorse, Empathy, and Restitution: 

According to the dictionary, remorse is deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed. Empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. Restitution is an act of restoring or a condition of being restored. When it comes to fixing a major screw up, these three conditions work beautifully together and lay the foundation for forgiveness. Now, sometimes an action can’t be fixed but is there something you can do to show your willingness to right the wrong? Here’s what these three together may sound like: “I’m so terribly sorry (remorse). I understand why you’d be upset. I get it and I’d be upset and hurt if you did that to me (empathy). What can I do to make it up to you?” (restitution).

Learn From It: 

Our actions emerge from our current level of awareness. When we’re coming from a place of fear and lack, our actions will represent that. When we’re in a place of love and abundance, our actions will represent that too. A major screw up is most likely coming from a place of fear and lack. If it’s coming from love and abundance, it was most definitely unintentional. In either case, learn from it to make sure you don’t do it again. Did you act without thinking? Fail to consider the consequences or the other person’s needs? Did an inflated ego or pride cause you to say or do something you now regret? Maybe learning from it and implementing a simple rule like: “Would I like that done to me?” If the answer is yes, do it and if the answer is no, don’t.

Self-Forgiveness and Paying it Forward:

Once you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and behavior, communicated in a way the person you hurt will understand, were remorseful, empathetic, offered restitution and learned from it, there are still a few more things you can do. Forgiveness takes time along with consistent effort to repair the damage done so have patience. The bigger the screw up the longer it can take because the person you hurt may be reeling from the shock, pain or anguish you caused and has to find new footing as they readjust to what they’ve just experienced by your actions. This process is now about them as they learn what role they may have played, what changes they need to make to feel valued, safe and secure again. While they’re working through it, healing, changing and growing as a result of what they’ve just been through, now is also the time to work on self-forgiveness. Sure, you may feel guilt and shame for the pain you caused but that doesn’t help anyone.

Forgiving yourself allows you to use what you’ve learned to grow, become a more awakened and enlightened version of yourself, and use your new awareness to not only ensure it won’t happen again, but to help others by what you now see so clearly. Paying it forward by preventing someone else from experiencing that pain doesn’t mean you didn’t cause the harm, but may just be what’s needed to prevent someone else from causing or being the recipient of a painful experience. Paying it forward also contributes to the greater good and that’s what life is all about.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute