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Author: Debi Silber

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Growth Health and Wellness

How Your Body is Managing Your Stress

Whenever we go through trauma, the body responds. The body has a biochemical reaction to what we’re experiencing in our life, and it’s all for our protection. It’s to help us cope with what we’re facing, help us deal with it as it’s occurring, and help us move beyond the stressful experience once the threat is over. For this process to work successfully, however, our bodies will burn through lots of nutrients, the raw materials that our body is designed to utilize to help us deal with life and deal with stress effectively.

Back in the caveman days, those stressors may have been running from a wild animal. In today’s more modern society, that stress can simply be the stressors of our daily lives. That can look very complex and be incredibly overwhelming; especially when the stress is ongoing.

In order for us to be able to process, address and meet the needs of what we’re going through, (and for healing), we need powerful nutrients. It’s easy to burn through those nutrients quickly under excessive stress and while we can get many of those nutrients from a healthy diet, prolonged or excessive stress requires additional support.

Think of the stress left in the wake of the shattering of trust and/or betrayal. The shock of the experience imprints itself on your body, mind, and heart. That shock ignites the stress response which then lays the groundwork for symptoms, illnesses, conditions, and disease.

For example, in the over 50,000 people who’ve taken the Post Betrayal Syndrome quiz, 45% have a gut issue which can be anything from Crohn’s disease, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), leaky gut, diverticulitis, constipation, diarrhea to name a few. Even if the person continues to eat a healthy diet (and that’s often the last thing someone is thinking about when they’re reeling from a betrayal), they’re not absorbing or retaining the healthy nutrients they’re taking in.

The body has a hierarchy, a protocol for dealing with stress that often involves shutting down digestive processes and increasing stress hormones. That stress revs up your metabolism and makes you require more nutrients. It’s like this; if you were crossing the street and a car was racing towards you, blood and oxygen are sent to your heart, lungs, and limbs so you can quickly move aside or jump the curb to safety. Normal processes are diverted from the digestive system until the dangerous situation is over. Well, under chronic stress, the message is never fully received that you’re safe. So, the digestive system isn’t getting what it needs and it’s a common reason why digestion is suffering.

So, what can you do?

While managing the stress is crucial, it’s helpful to support your body’s needs however you can. One of the simplest places to start is by making sure at least one meal is nutrient-dense, easy to absorb, digest and process. It also has to be simple, quick, and easy because our attention is on finding solid ground to stand on again, and we simply don’t have the mental resources to put towards extensive meal preparation.

For me, that means a daily, nutrient-packed smoothie loaded with superfoods, vitamins, minerals, quality protein, and something that tastes great. At the same time, it’s also important to retain the nutrients we’re taking in, and here’s where digestive enzymes will help.

Most importantly, the body needs to recognize that the threat has passed, that you’re safe, and that everything can find its way back to a place of balance and equilibrium. No simple task when healing from betrayal but absolutely possible, even predictable when you move through The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough.

Remember, healing from betrayal and shattered trust requires healing on all levels so whichever level you’re working towards, it’s a great step in a healthy direction.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Maintaining Your Mental and Emotional Health

We’re very aware of the importance of maintaining our physical health by eating well, exercising, getting additional nutrients through quality supplements, getting enough sleep, and more. But mental and emotional health are just as important. Whenever possible, doing what we can to prevent something is easier than treating it.

Here are a few simple strategies for mental and emotional wellbeing:

  1. Spend time with others. We’re social beings. Isolating ourselves can definitely ensure we get more done, but it’s not without a price. Spending time with others gives us time to connect, bond, share, and more. It also gives us the opportunity to show compassion, empathy and just laugh with others. So while we may not prioritize it as often as we need to, social interaction is a component of good mental health. 
  2. Train your brain. Keep your brain active and healthy. If the last time you read a book was in high school, I’m talking to you. If reading isn’t your thing, anything that causes you to think, do or try something different will work. One of the best ways to preserve your brain health is to challenge it each day.
  3. Take time for yourself. Between work, family, maintaining a home along with any other commitments you have, it can be challenging to find personal time. Nevertheless, spend a little time each day doing something that you enjoy. Even if it’s just sitting alone with a cup of coffee in the morning. While social activity is important, a little solitude is important, too.
  4. Spend time with positive people. Your thoughts, attitudes, and expectations mirror those of the people around you. By spending time with positive people, you’ll be more positive, too. Who are you spending your time with?
  5. Do work that you enjoy. Besides sleep, you spend more time working than you do on any other single activity. If your job makes you miserable, your emotional health is sure to suffer. Is your work rewarding and fulfilling? If you’re only doing that job for the financial reward, is there anything about it that would make the tasks you’re doing more enjoyable?
  6. Get involved. Share your time and yourself with causes and communities that inspire you. Helping others floods your body with healing hormones and chemicals that help us heal. And, helping others simply feels good.
  7. Spend more time doing things you love to do. What makes you happy? Spend more time doing it. Do you love animals, nature, sports? How can you not be happier if you spend more time doing things that make you happy?
  8. Get sufficient sleep. Sleep is necessary for good health, both physical and mental. Your ability to manage stress, make smart decisions, and regulate your emotions are dependent on getting enough sleep.
  9. Have a compelling future. For your emotional health to be at its best, you need something to look forward to. It can be a short-range plan or a long-range one but having something to look forward to gives us something to look forward to and be excited about. It doesn’t matter what it is, but you need something in the future that makes you smile when you think of it.

Give your mental health as much attention as you do your physical health (and, if you’re not giving your physical health much attention, let this serve as a reminder to take a few steps towards improving your physical health too.) With good mental health, you’ll be able to better handle the challenges that life throws at you. Of course, get professional help if you need it but most importantly, our emotional health is just as much of a priority as any other type of health we’re seeking.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Personal Development

What Shattered Trust Is Doing To You

Trust is a very important part of any personal or business relationship. Without trust, an air of suspicion always clouds the relationship. Trust is the glue that holds any worthwhile relationship together. The good news is, you can choose actions that build trust. 

Each relationship is different. The steps for establishing trust for a romantic relationship are very different than for a business relationship. But all relationships have certain things in common and they all require trust.

Trust in a Nutshell

Here are a few of the basics when it comes to trust:

  • Always tell the truth.
  • Do what you say you’ll do.
  • Keep your promises.
  • Only take on what you’re capable of handling.

If you keep these principles in mind, you can build trust in most relationships. A good partnership has to have trust to exist.Whether you’re asking someone for a date or forming a new business venture, trust in each other is vital.

Are Most People Trustworthy?

It depends on you and so many other factors. Your belief system, your experiences, your upbringing, how you’ve worked through situations where trust was shattered in the past, and so much more. Given the same background, two people can emerge from the experience so differently. One can come to the conclusion that people can’t be trusted, the world isn’t safe, it’s better to stay guarded and that’s the safest way to prevent being hurt again. They keep people at a distance as a way to prevent that same pain from impacting them again.

Others can emerge from the same situation believing that people are doing the best they can with what they have available to them. Someone who shattered trust simply isn’t someone they want to spend their time with, and they’re grateful that they now have a sense of what feeling unsafe feels like so they’re better able to surround themselves with those who speak and act differently.

Whether you believe people are trustworthy or not, you may also consider that some people will show they’re trustworthy if given a second chance. Everyone messes up at some point. Whether that person deserves a second chance or not depends on a number of factors too.

Has the person taken steps to rectify the breach of trust? Have they taken responsibility? Have they apologized for their actions? Is there remorse and empathy for the pain they’ve caused? Can you believe that they’ve changed their ways and whatever they said or did to break trust won’t happen again?

If so, is that what you need to be willing to allow the person to slowly rebuild trust with you? Or, were their actions so hurtful, harmful and hateful that you can’t even consider believing in them once again? Now of course, if the person shows no remorse, takes no responsibility, acts callous and isn’t the least bit concerned with the hurt they’ve caused, you have very little to work with here. With some people however, their actions could potentially serve as not only the greatest wake up call for you, but for them as well.

Seeing the pain and hurt they’ve caused may be the shake-up they needed to wake up and change. Yes they may have learned that powerful lesson at your expense and it’s going to take a lot to heal from it. However…

This shattering of trust affects everything. It impacts your ability to trust in the person who hurt you. It also impacts your ability to trust yourself and your judgment. Like ripples in a pond, it then also impacts your ability to trust in others and in everything.

So as you consider these questions about being open to trusting again (with either the person who hurt you or with others), I invite you to ask yourself this one too.

How is withholding trust affecting your health, work, relationships, happiness and self-esteem?

According to the over 50,000 people who’ve taken the Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz, a staggering 84% say they have an inability to trust. 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. 82% find it hard to move forward and 90% want to move forward but don’t know how.

The good news is, we’re taking it all on Jan 31st-Feb. 4th during the 5-Day Trust Again Intensive-Self Love Edition.

Staying stuck is a choice…and one that hurts. You deserve to feel safe again, love again, trust again.

Dr. Debi, Founder and  CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Personal Development

What’s the ROI On Your Questions?

I was recently working with a member from The PBT Institute who was really struggling with the betrayal of her partner. Early in a betrayal, it’s important to ask ourselves lots of questions. It’s one of the ways we work to process, make sense, and eventually make meaning out of our experience. We’re going over the experience, replaying it, looking at it from as many angles as we can to try and understand it. That’s all part of the process needed to heal.

We ask questions like: “Why did this happen?” “Why did they do that?” At first, we’re trying to understand. However, at some point, no matter how many times we’ve asked ourselves those questions, we don’t come out of that questioning any better than when we dove in. In fact, at some point, the only thing we know for sure is this; that line of questioning only brings us down a rabbit hole filled with pain, uncertainty, sadness and frustration.

So why do we keep doing it?

While we’re asking those questions in the beginning as a way to help us understand, over time, that questioning and the physiological response those questions create within us becomes hard wired. It’s slowly becomes a well-worn path bringing us no where we want to go but because it’s so familiar, that’s the path we keep taking.

So I asked our community member how many times since she learned about the betrayal does she think she’s asked the question; “Why did this happen?” Or, “Why did they do that?” Did she ask herself the question 10, 100, 1,000, 10,000, 100,000 times or even more?

Then, I asked her if she’s come up with anything different from the last few hundred times she’s asked herself those questions.

She hadn’t.

Here’s the point. We can’t possibly understand why someone does what they do, why they say what they say or why they behave the way they do. We can assume we know the answer but when it comes to betrayal, it’s nearly impossible to know for sure. That person’s decision is based on their unique set of beliefs, experiences, personality, character, level of awareness, consciousness and so much more.

Let’s be clear. That doesn’t excuse the behavior at all.

What I hope it does do however, is shed light on the idea that just because something like betrayal may be the absolute furthest idea from your mind, it doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same way. It also doesn’t mean the other person abides by the same rules, or agrees to the spoken or unspoken rules within a relationship. So, to allow that person to continue to impact you long after the experience is over, that’s not fair to you.

So what can you do?

If you’re finding that you’re constantly asking yourself questions that you’re unable to find answers to, the first step is realizing that it’s taking away from your healing, your confidence, you’re self-esteem, well-being and your sanity. That awareness is powerfulbecause when we realize that on top of the betrayal, now we’re continuing to let that person’s actions cause us further pain, along with physical, mental and emotional symptoms, that may be the motivation needed to work towards ending that line of questioning.

The next step is to assess how much of your energy was going towards “why” (which you can’t answer anyway). Has it been 10, 20, 30, 40 percent or more of your daily energy and thoughts? If so, you only have the remainder to use towards your healing, your daily activities, your health, work, relationships, family and more. That may not be enough at all to carry you through your busy day, let alone heal from your experience.

Once you’ve determined how much of your energy is being spent on why something happened, it’s time to decide how much of that energy you’re ready and willing to take back. Even 1 percent is better than nothing.

So let’s imagine that you’ve decided to take just 1 percent of the time and energy you were devoting to an unanswerable question that was only hurting you. Now you have an extra 1 percent that can be used for your healing and recovery. Sure it’s only 1 percent but that can mean an extra few moments to breathe deeply, think of something or someone you love, or even just taking a moment to appreciate the stillness of nature outside your window.

If 1 percent can do that, imagine harnessing 10 percent, 20 percent or more? The more you take back that energy to use towards you and your healing, the more quickly you move through the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. You’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to see the version of you who’s waiting to be revealed.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute 

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Strengthen Your Integrity with these Easy Tips

Being honest and having strong moral principles takes conviction and confidence. Doing the right thing…even when no one is looking, means living in integrity. When integrity is a priority, it actually makes life simpler. Others can more easily trust you and you remove the need to second guess yourself and your intentions. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. There’s no hidden agenda or deceitful motivation behind your words, actions, and behavior. Want to show up more powerfully, purposefully, and with more integrity this coming year?

Here are a few tips I hope you find helpful:

  1. Work on your personal growth. Developing yourself is an effective way to strengthen your integrity. When you grow, you become more comfortable with yourself, more emotionally mature, and feel less need to be inauthentic.
  2. Be reliable. Be on time, avoid canceling appointments, and do what you say you’re going to do. If you say that you’ll deliver your report by noon on Friday, ensure that it’s done on time. It’s easy to be reliable if you under-promise. Making promises you know you can keep prevents disappointing others while giving you an opportunity to overdeliver.
  3. Be honest with yourself. Before you do or say something, question why you’re doing it. What is your real motivation behind the action? Are you being self-serving at the expense of others, or are your motives honorable? Self-awareness is a primary component of integrity. 
  4. Be gentle, but be honest. Do people believe that you’re an honest person? Do you “bend the truth,” exaggerate or minimize something to be more comfortable or to pretend you’re someone you’re not? When you are honest, are you sharing your views with kindness and compassion? It’s one thing, to be honest, and another to be purposefully hurtful with your words.
  5. Live by your values each day. If you’re unaware of your values, now would be a great time to figure them out and list them. Knowing your values makes it easier to make decisions. It also makes your behavior more predictable, which makes others more comfortable. Know your values and live them each day.
  6. Be willing to say no. When you say yes to things you don’t want to do, you’re not demonstrating integrity because you’re not being true to yourself. You don’t have to take part in every opportunity that’s presented to you. Valuing your time and well-being often means saying no. Be honest and say no when you mean it.
  7. Work on increasing your level of confidence. Confident people are more comfortable in their own skin. It’s when we’re uncomfortable that we risk making decisions that aren’t in our best interest in an attempt to minimize the discomfort. For example, are you calling in sick because you’re terrified to present that report at work? Are you not taking that call because you’re avoiding that awkward conversation? Increasing your confidence allows you to more easily do what you know is the right thing to do. The more uncomfortable you are each day, the more likely your integrity will be challenged. Confidence and self-esteem help us act with integrity. 
  8. Stop doing the things you know you shouldn’t do. Are you stealing pens and post-it notes from work? Stealing napkins from the fast-food restaurant to stock your kitchen? Taking credit for something you didn’t do? Think about your behavior and adjust accordingly.
  9. Be willing to stand up for something. Most of us have values and opinions, but few are willing to even share them, never mind stand up for them. While others won’t always agree with your stance, they will respect you for having one and not compromising it when questioned. That doesn’t mean you’re unwilling to learn a new perspective, it means that peer pressure doesn’t persuade you to do something or go along with something you don’t agree with.

Living with integrity may seem to be a more challenging way to live on the surface, but it’s actually easier in the long run. You don’t have to remember what you said and who you said it to, you don’t have to question your values and beliefs, you don’t have to rebuild trust with someone because you did something intentionally hurtful. You simply have to keep your values a non-negotiable priority with everything you say and do.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

Cleaning Up Before Leaving the Year

We’ve learned to make our bed before leaving our room, tidy up the house before leaving for the day, straighten up our desk before leaving our workday…you get the idea. Well, have you considered that while we do these things on a daily basis, what would it look like if we decided to “clean up our year” before we leave it?

As the year comes to a close, I always like reviewing the year to see what worked, what didn’t, what I can change, what to let go of, what no longer serves, and what am I now ready for as a new year approaches. It’s a great way to continually grow and take an assessment of how things are going in any category that holds meaning. So as the year begins to wind down, how would you clean up some of the areas that are most important to you? Let’s take a few categories:

Health: If you’ve been lax about what you’re eating or how you’re moving, how can you clean that up? Can you decide to ditch the junk food, limit your drinking or commit to a fitness routine you can stick with?

Work: When you evaluate how you’ve been showing up at work, what needs cleaning up? If you lost your motivation, what do you need to do to get it back? If you stopped pushing yourself, doing those extras that brought about great results or stretching yourself to learn what’s needed to take yourself to the next level, what can you do to recharge yourself so you’re eager and ready as the New Year arrives?

Relationships: If you take an honest look at how you showed up in your relationships, what do you see? Are you still harboring grudges, anger, resentment, and bitterness towards someone? If so, it’s chipping away at your health and well-being. If forgiveness feels like too big of a stretch, can you move towards acceptance first? If you’ve been distant, neglectful, or aloof, how can you clean things up to be more present and available to those you love?

Self-Care: If you’ve been burning the candle at both ends, neglecting your own self-care so that you can put in a few more hours at work, get a few more chores done or make sure everyone else’s needs are cared for, it’s likely you’re not showing up at your best. It’s virtually impossible when you’re burned out, exhausted, and depleted. So while you may be viewing self-care as selfish, what can you clean up so you treat self-care as self-preservation? Can you add in a short but meaningful morning routine? Do you need to say no more often?

Personal Development: We’re either growing or we’re dying. When you take a look at where you are, are you any different than you were at the beginning of the year? If you’re complaining or jealous of others about something (your health, work, relationships, etc.) it’s often because we know we can do something about it…and we’re not. What needs cleaning up here so you’re having a different level of conversation next year? What books, programs, thought leaders, or concepts are you ready to include in your life to clean up your year in the personal development category?

Spirituality/Faith: When you take a look into this category, what needs cleaning up? Do you have a practice that helped you feel grounded and centered? Do you want to explore meditation, mindfulness, journaling, yoga, breathwork, or some other type of practice to help you feel less stressed and more connected? If so, how will you clean that up so you move into the New Year with a plan that’ll help you move towards that?

When changes are deliberate and intentional (versus hopeful), we’re moving forward. I’ll never forget a mentor of mine saying: “You can’t steer a parked car.” Is your car in motion and if so, is it headed in a direction you want to go? If not, it’s time to clean up the year so we can intentionally show up more fully in the categories that hold meaning to us.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

Your Unhealed Betrayal is Impacting Your Health, Work and Relationships

When the person you trusted the most proves untrustworthy, it not only shatters your trust in them, it shatters your trust in yourself as you think: “How did I not know?” “How did I not see?”If you’ve lost trust in the person you trusted the most, and you feel you can’t trust yourself or your judgment, it’s natural to then question your trust in everyone and everything.So think about it. The shattering of trust has such a far-reaching impact going way beyond how it impacts the relationship with the person who hurt you. It has a ripple effect where everyone and everything, including yourself, now comes into question.Before I go even further, the good news is you can heal from all of it and there’s even a proven, research-based way to do just that when you move through the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. First, I wanted you to see how it impacts your health, work and relationships.Your Health

There’s a collection of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms so common to betrayal, it’s known as Post Betrayal Syndrome. 

People spend so much time, money, effort, and energy going to the most well-meaning doctors, coaches, healers, therapists––to manage a stress-related symptom, illness, condition, or disease. At the root of all that stress is often an unhealed betrayal. Here’s what an unhealed betrayal can look like with regards to your health.

You can have trouble sleeping, you’re exhausted and you could be using sugar or caffeine to help you stay awake. Your immune system is compromised, your adrenals have tanked, you could be having digestive issues, weight changes, brain fog, and more.

Your Work

You want to be a team player, but you’re so afraid. The person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy––how can you trust a boss or coworker? 

Or

You want to ask for that raise or promotion, you deserve it––but your confidence was shattered in that betrayal. Instead, you don’t ask and you’re bitter and resentful, and that’s the energy that you’re bringing into work every day.

Your Relationships

You’re full of heartbreak, sadness, anxiety, and grief because you’ve been blindsided by an experience with betrayal. You have a hard time trusting other people and it’s affecting your day-to-day relationships. You may experience repeat betrayals (a clear sign of an unhealed betrayal). You can also put that big wall up which prevents anyone from getting near you and your heart again. Sure you’re keeping out the bad ones…but you’re keeping out the good ones too.

You can’t undo a betrayal, but you’re in control of how long it affects your relationships, your health, your work, and your life. The gift in betrayal is that it lays the foundation for transformation, that’s IF we’re willing to use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. IF you choose to rebuild your life and the aspects of yourself that were hard hit like rejection, abandonment, confidence, worthiness, belonging and trust.

Rebuilding is always a choice. You have the option to rebuild yourself and move on or (if the situation lends itself and if you’re willing), you can rebuild an entirely new relationship with the person who hurt you.

Trauma is the setup for transformation. It can be used as the catalyst and incentive to create a new version of yourself that never would have had the opportunity to show up had the experience not happen. That’s Post Betrayal Transformation and since you’ve been through the worst of it already, you owe it to yourself to do something good with something that caused so much pain.

You’re not alone and you can heal from all of it.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

9 Steps to Building Trust in Interpersonal Relationships

Trust is built over time. When we think about building trust, we might think about building trust with our significant other. But how can we also build trust in adult friendships, at the workplace, or with other family members?Trust is the foundation of all relationships – whether that relationship is between family or friends. When both sides of each relationship have trust, people are more open and likely to spend more time with each other.Having trust in someone means you trust that you can go to the other person or you trust that you can rely on them.

A lack of trust might exist because one person isn’t consistent, or someone has hurt the other in the past.

Whether you’re building a new relationship or rebuilding a relationship with broken trust, you can start the process of building trust with these 9 tips:

  1. Keep agreements and promises. When you keep your promises, you show the other person that they can depend on you. This is a key foundation of trust. If an agreement or promise is broken, there should always be an open line of communication explaining why, although, be careful that you’re not making an excuse for breaking trust.
  2. Listen without judgment. Create an environment where the people around you feel heard. Instead of judging someone for what they share with you, try to understand where they’re coming from and what they’re feeling. Find a way to show them you are engaged and present. 
  3. Ask what you can do to support them. When someone shares something difficult that they’re going through, it’s hard for us to know exactly how to support them. Open the line of communication and ask how you can support the people around you.
  4. Give praise when it’s due. Complimenting others is an incredible way to build trust when it’s authentic. Not only does a genuine compliment make the other person feel good, but you’ll also feel good when you see another person smile. When you give genuine praise, you can build trust and appreciation with others. For example:
  • “I appreciate how positive you are.”
  • “Thank you for being so thoughtful.”
  • “That’s such a smart way to look at things.”5. Be consistent. It’s easy to make excuses or reschedule plans for another day. One of the easiest ways to build trust is to be consistent. Show people that you care about them by being someone who they can consistently count on as a person of their word.6. Avoid gossip and negativity. One way to ruin trust is to gossip or talk negatively about others behind their back. People might start to wonder what you will say when their backs are turned. Instead of gossiping about someone, practice being upfront about them instead.

    7. Pay attention to your nonverbal communication. A growing amount of research shows that closed body language, such as crossed arms, can turn people away.

  • Simple body language changes, such as making eye contact or opening your body language, can indicate to people that you’re open, trustworthy, and welcoming.8. Share. Be curious about those around you and be willing to open yourself up as well. Trust will naturally build as people feel like they know you better.9. Be compassionate. Be compassionate about how others may feel. Check-in with how they’re feeling. If you’re rebuilding trust, apologize sincerely and find a way to come to a resolution together.

Getting closer to others helps us feel more connected. Feeling connected to the people around us strengthens our well-being and rewards us with knowing that we can trust someone else. These exercises are a great start to building trust and will help you feel connected and fulfilled with the people around you.

Dr. Debi, Founder, and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

 

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness

6 Ways to Take a Holiday from the Holidays

Let’s face it, for some people, the holidays can be filled with stress and pain. While some people are making memories with loved ones, others are reminded of those no longer in their lives. Maybe there was a recent loss of a beloved family member. Maybe there was a divorce, breakup, or betrayal that rocked you to your core. If you’re moving through any of these experiences, holidays hold a different meaning and while creating new positive associations may be something to work towards, this season, you may just want to take a holiday from the Holidays.

If you noticed a pattern of getting stressed and depressed around the Holiday Season, you can consciously change that pattern now. It first starts with awareness, realizing something like: I am aware of any thoughts that come up that may trigger negative emotional patterns.

Awareness: Maybe you notice that holiday music can trigger old memories that bring you down. Notice this impacts you then check into your heart, comfort yourself, and remind yourself that old beliefs that hurt you need your care and attention.

New Rules: As you start holiday shopping, do it from a new perspective. Make sure that you have plenty of time to get the shopping done so you don’t feel rushed. Maybe decide to shop online to reduce stress and mailing costs. Maybe decide you’re giving the gift of your presence instead of your presents this year.

Whatever it takes to make your holiday season go smoothly, be willing to make the adjustments.

Traditions: Look at what traditions you want to keep and which ones fail to serve you. With the world as it is today, consider letting go of old, worn-out traditions that create stress and adjust to the new reality.

Self-Care: Look at what you can do differently to take a holiday from the Holidays. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or a facial, support your body with extra nutrients, or get a pedicure or have an entire Spa Day.

Letting Go: Reduce the stress by letting go of any tasks that are unnecessary. Maybe reduce your holiday baking. Let go of excess card writing. Let go of trying to be everything to everyone. Learn how to say “no” in order to preserve your time, well-being, and sanity.

Set some boundaries. Set some boundaries around spending. Create boundaries around what topics are off-limits, and how much you’ll be indulging in holiday food and festivities.

Today, regardless of what it takes, you may choose to take a holiday from the Holidays. Instead, creating enjoyable, stress-free traditions can be your plan for this year.

Dr. Debi, Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute

Categories
Growth Health and Wellness Leadership

What do Trust Issues Look Like?

You want to confide in your friend but you’re not sure she won’t share your deeply personal feelings with someone else.

You’d love to be a team player and a collaborative partner at work but if the person you trusted the most proved untrustworthy, how can you trust your boss, coworker, or partner?

You want to be more open and vulnerable with your partner but you don’t feel safe.

Trust. It’s something that is so foundational.

When trust is shattered, it is really hard to feel safe and secure because trust sets the foundation for our sense of safety and security. So, when that person or people who created that sense of safety and security are the very ones to shatter it, it’s traumatizing.

So many of us don’t regain that sense of trust and we walk around feeling unsafe, insecure, and anxious.

Can you repair trust? I say no. Can you rebuild it? Yes.

Imagine trust being like a brick wall. That wall is built brick by brick by brick and it can take a long time. Every opportunity someone has to show they’re trustworthy represents one brick in the brick wall.

So now imagine the person who built that brick wall shatters the entire wall in one soul-crushing and painful moment. Now, the person whose trust was shattered has every right to look at the brick wall and say; “I don’t have the least bit of interest in watching that thing get rebuilt.” That’s completely fine and with that, they heal themselves and move along. However, if they’re willing to watch that brick wall be rebuilt, the person who shattered that brick wall has to be…a really good bricklayer.

The only way it can be rebuilt is the same way it went up the first time, brick, by brick by brick. Every opportunity that person has to show that they’re trustworthy represents one brick in that brick wall. So, you can see why it would take a lot of time and effort.

Now, what I see many people doing is this. Trust has been shattered. The person who shattered the trust is kind of nonchalant about the whole thing, and the person whose trust was shattered thinks; “This is so hard, so painful, they’re not doing any rebuilding so I’ll rebuild the brick wall” because they’re in pain and it’s uncomfortable. They don’t like the feeling and they just want the painful emotions to go away.

When the person whose trust was shattered is the one who builds the brick wall, you can’t feel safe, you don’t feel secure, your level of anxiety is always high because you don’t know if you can trust that other person.

Left unhealed, we lose trust in ourselves too. We don’t trust our judgment, our discernment, and our ability to know if we’re making decisions that serve us best. Taking it a step further, if we don’t trust the person to who we gave our trust, and we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust in anyone or anything else?

We’re taking all of this on during the Trust Again Challenge. In these times, we do not feel safe, we do not trust, and we need to get back that sense of trust and safety. When we don’t rebuild trust, it impacts every area of life. It prevents us from the relationships, joy, and fulfillment we want most.

With the shattering of trust, we find ourselves stuck. In the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (one of the discoveries made in my Ph.D. study) this is so common to Stage three, the most commonplace to get stuck. Transformation doesn’t even begin until Stages four and Stage five. If you’re having trust issues, there’s a good chance you may be stuck in Stage three and you are holding yourself back from the transformation that you deserve. The hardest part has happened already, you owe it to yourself to move through the Stages. So, if you have any kind of trust issues, know that there’s a really good chance you’re deeply rooted in that Stage three (it’s not your fault when you know about the Stages, it’s easy to see why we get stuck there). The good news is, there’s a predictable and proven way to move through all of it.

If you’re struggling with trust, there is no reason to stay stuck. You’re holding yourself back from the love, from the intimacy, from the connection you so rightfully deserve. It’s time to love again, feel safe again, trust again.

Dr. Debi
CEO and Founder, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute