Author: Cindy Watson

Women, you’ve heard me get on my pulpit and preach about how you need to invoke your Momma bear for your own inner bear cub. How we advocate relentlessly for others, but not so much for ourselves. You’ve heard me rail about trusting your natural negotiation style and pushing past limiting beliefs to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom. And I meant it. But if you’re prone to motion sickness, you may want to grab a chair, or better yet, something bolted down so you don’t get dizzy from an apparent 180 degree turnabout. Because today, my sermon is designed to convince you that you don’t always need to go for the jugular.

Bear with me. These philosophies are not as contradictory as they may first appear. Let’s start with some fundamental principles. One of the basic teaching points on the art of negotiation is to always set a reservation price or resistance point – a bottom line. Without this anchor to hold you, you risk sliding past your point of no return. There are any number of tactics the pundits advise you employ to hold firm on your reservation price or point. Making pie in the sky demands, presenting a first and final offer, providing an ultimatum or walking away are just a few examples.

An equally important, but often overlooked principle, however, is to consider the zone of potential agreement – the area where both sides can get what they want if they each go to their respective reservation or resistant points. If there is no overlap, then there won’t be an agreement unless one side budges from its reservation or resistance point. But typically, there is a range of possible settlement options that fall within both sides’ bottom line positions. We’re conditioned to believe that an effective negotiator will always push to the absolute limit of the other side’s resistance point, and beyond if possible.

And therein lies the rub. The myth that strong negotiators need to chafe against the opposing standpoint, to create friction to burn through the opposing view. A lesson I learned later than I would have liked, is that you don’t always have to go for the jugular, leave nothing on the table, leave blood on the floor, or whatever other apt cliché comes to mind. You don’t necessarily have to push the other side to their drop-dead bottom line. Let me give you an example to illustrate the point. When I was younger, I fell in love with Mexico. I loved its people, the food, the culture, its nightlife. Everything seemed alive, vibrant and sharper. I loved to haggle on the beach with locals peddling their wares. And I was a great haggler. I seemed to have an instinct for knowing the outside limit to which I could push. I let them walk away, somehow knowing they’d come back. Friends always thought my ‘reservation price’ (although we didn’t call it that – didn’t even know the term or concept except instinctually) was ridiculous and unattainable. But I virtually always got what I wanted at my bottom line price (which was sometimes as little as 20% of asking price). I was proud of my bargaining prowess.

As a starving student, that was forgivable. But later in life, it suddenly struck me that I didn’t need to get the rock bottom price the peddler was prepared to accept. That there was a power imbalance and maybe my insistence on beating them down to the bottom line and beyond was actually a little exploitative. I was embarrassed about my past negotiation ‘victories’. Because ultimately isn’t negotiation often about relationship? Would you want to take advantage of bargaining power as against your child? Or aging parent? Or trusting lover?

It’s important for a seasoned negotiator to consider these factors in determining how far and how hard to push in any negotiation: (i) your goals and objectives (not just short-term, but long-term as well), (ii) your power compared to the other party’s, and (iii) your desired relationship with the other party. Ironically, these are all factors that most women intuitively consider when they come at negotiations from a place of natural feminine energy. In my blog, “Debunking the Myth re Women and the Art of Negotiation”, we talked about the key skill sets required of an effective negotiator. Assertiveness is only one factor. The others are rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. Knowing when to back off and accept a deal somewhere in the potential zone of agreement, without pushing the other side to their edge, can be effective to build rapport and trust. It requires empathy and intuition. It takes flexibility in the heat of a negotiation. In other words, knowing when to back off employs all the key ‘feminine’ attributes of a great negotiator. Use them. Trust those instincts.

Does that mean you should never bear down and push to the tissue-paper thin edge? Of course not. The key is knowing when … and why. The trick is to be intentional in those choices. Learn to control the essential skills so you can adopt them at will. So you can use them strategically. If you need to establish primacy, credibility and/or control in a particular negotiation to set the tone for future negotiations in a relationship, or to make a point, or example of someone who tried to take advantage of you or your ‘team’, then you may well want to step down hard and not let up.

By all means go for the jugular where necessary. But ensure that your approach is deliberate. Don’t be reactive, governed by emotion. And don’t be motivated based on stale-dated myths that negotiation is all about the bite or that giving is a sign of weakness. Sometimes, generosity in negotiations can be your greatest show of strength.

Have you ever found that you sought to make yourself smaller? I’m not talking about weight, diet or physical girth here – although that’s an issue that also burns my biscuits. It’s bad enough that women have been propagandized to try to fit into some magazine or billboard no-fat image of what a woman should look like. But now we have size zero clothing. Zero? Really? Now we need to strive to be invisible altogether? Non-existent. Nothing. Zero. But I digress. When I ask whether you’ve ever sought to make yourself smaller, I’m referencing the sad fact that as early as kindergarten, young girls start diminishing themselves.

Studies show that young boys gain social status in the schoolyard when they brag about themselves and strive to make themselves larger, bigger than life. By contrast, as young girls we tune in quickly to subtle (and not so subtle) cues that we need to step back from our young feminine power, or face social shunning. Guess what choice most girls make when faced with that price? From a young age, we too often start diminishing ourselves, conditioned to be self-effacing and self-deprecating. Not exactly a recipe to allow us to step into our power, strength or confidence. It keeps us small.

This pattern dogs us as we grow. When we see ourselves as being ‘too much’ we feel the need to tone down. When we’re a little flamboyant, whether in our dress, self-expression, or voices, we get put down. And sadly, it’s often from our own gender. Remember hearing (or saying) “she’s so full of herself,” “she thinks she’s so much,” or some similar eviscerating refrain? We shame ourselves about our physical attributes, our dress, our life choices – even our exuberance. And so we often go through life changing our conduct, changing our very sense of self because we fear the judgment. We don’t want to be seen as too bitchy, too trashy, or just plain too much.

If we’re really honest with ourselves, we’ve all been guilty of it at one or both ends. For myself, I was aware of it at some level and fought against it, but still sometimes fell victim to the shrinking syndrome. I always loved to dance. I felt great joy in dancing with total abandon. But then in my clubbing days, I’d notice the looks, hear the comments, and feel the inhibition creep in, the need to tone it down, to de-sexualize it. And so we become a lesser version of our self.

So is it any surprise that still later in life, whether in our personal or professional lives, we let men take credit for our ideas? Or that we change our tone to avoid being seen as too aggressive for acting in ways that men would be rewarded for?
Can you think of times in your life when you maybe pulled in the reins, not felt the ability to be your full expressive self, dimmed your light somehow?

And as we dim ourselves, men are rewarded for beating their chests. They get the promotions. They get the higher wages. They get the higher ground in relationships. Because they put themselves out there. They expect to get what they want. They ask for what they want. Studies show, for example, that if a woman has 4 out of 5 requirements for a job posting, she’s less likely to apply for the job than a man who has only 1 of the 5 posted requirements. We hold ourselves back because that conditioned little girl from the schoolyard whispers in our ear that we better not think too much of our self or there’s going to be social consequences. And so we make ourselves a little less-than. Or maybe we already believe we’re a little less than. Either way, we end up getting less than we deserve.

This also rears its ugly head in our romantic relationships. Not only do we dim ourselves so as to not outshine our potentially fragile-egoed partners, but often we give up our own dreams, visions and aspirations to prop up the men in our lives. Heaven forbid we ‘make’ them feel threatened or intimidated by our brightness. So we put our needs on the back burner. And at what cost? Not only do pay a heavy price in terms of our own stunted potential and fulfillment, but think of the message we send our own children. When we subjugate our needs to that of our partners, aren’t we telling our daughters that their needs aren’t as important as any man in their life? And similarly, for our sons, when we put our partners’ interests ahead of our own, aren’t we teaching them that their needs are more important than any woman they may partner with? And in that way, the problem becomes self-perpetuating.

So today I call on you to make a pact. Let’s stop making ourselves smaller. Let’s challenge each other to be the fullest possible version of ourselves. Let’s put ourselves out there with no worries about being too much, with no thought of dimming our light. Let us shine brightly into the night and into our future. Let’s promise ourselves and each other to support other women in being the fullest, most expressive, expansive version of themselves; to not judge other women for their ‘too-muchness’, but instead celebrate it. Because it’s in embracing our biggest selves that we will reach our fullest heights. If we want to negotiate our lives to get what we want and deserve, we need to be seen and heard. Raise your voice. Expect to get what you want. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s from the boardroom to the bedroom, or the playground to the seniors home, let’s spread our wings and take more space. If that means we need to overcompensate for a while to get ourselves back to ground zero, so be it.

Why do so many women break out in a sweat at the idea of having to negotiate on their own behalf for something they want? What holds them back from being the incredibly effective negotiators they could be? Is it that women can’t negotiate well? No. We debunked that myth in last week’s blog.

In fact, examining the necessary skillset for top negotiators reveals that women are arguably better equipped than their male counterparts to excel in negotiations. So why the resistance?

Other than the obvious social conditioning and limiting beliefs (which we touched on in our inaugural Art of Feminine Negotiation blog),
I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that it’s our fear of rejection, of getting a ‘no’. Studies confirm that women are less likely to ask for what they want than men. Where does that come from? What happened to our childhood ability to pester the heck out of our parents to get what we want? As kids, we seemed less afraid of the word ‘no’. Less afraid of failure. As kids we got the message that if we were persistent enough, we’d get what we want. But somewhere along the line that got beaten out of us and we became afraid of rejection, of those ‘no’s’.  It turns out that perhaps our instincts as kids were better on this front.

Let’s explore the concept of failure for a moment. Thomas Edison ‘failed’ at creating the light bulb countless times before succeeding. In fact, it was only through those failures, and his persistence and willingness to fail that he achieved success. Is he known for the purported failures? No. He’s lauded as a genius. Similarly, Abraham Lincoln purportedly failed twice in business, and lost 8 out of 10 elections before becoming President of the United States. Do people remember Lincoln for those failures? No. He’s credited with abolishing slavery and
considered by many to be the most influential U.S President in history. What if the women suffragists had given up fighting for the right to vote after being told ‘no’? What if abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and the countless other brave women who fought against slavery had given up when told ‘no’?  You get the idea.

What if your fear of failure, of rejection, of hearing the word ‘no’ is the very thing standing between you and your best self? Between you and your kick-ass negotiator? Between you and getting what you deserve – from the boardroom to the bedroom? Perhaps what you need is a simple mindset shift. What if you take one of your age-old childhood adages and modify it to fit your needs today. Try on “sticks and stones may break my bones but ‘no’ can never hurt me”. Recognize that your failures are the bricks on the way to success. In fact, the only way to success is typically through failure. It’s through your failures that you learn, improve, grow and ultimately succeed. Maybe you just need to be willing to fail better.

If you accept that fear of hearing‘no’ is a factor contributing to women’s resistance to embracing negotiation,and we know that the best way to desensitize ourselves to the word is to get used to it, then how might we achieve that? How might you experience it so often that it loses its power over you? It’s said that if you do the thing you fear, the fear will go away. If that’s the case, it makes imminent sense that you take active steps to numb yourself to the word ‘no’.

No doubt exposing yourself to receiving more ‘no’s in your life requires you to get outside your comfort zone. I was reminded of the limiting effects of comfort zones on a beach recently when I became entranced watching a hermit crab by my chair. It would pop up from its hole in the sand and skitter a few inches to the side, then stop. But as soon as each wave started toward shore the hermit crab scurried back to cower in its bunker, even though the waves never once came up to its hiding spot. I watched that poor little crab for ages and it never ventured more than a foot away from its hole. I could feel its desire. But I also felt its fear outweigh that desire over and over again. It made me realize that we lull ourselves into believing that our comfort zones are safe, when in reality they are self-imposed prisons. Those comfort zones will shrink and eventually suffocate us if we don’t venture outside them and risk living.  Do you want to live your life playing safe in a little comfort zone that never stretches your boundaries, that gets smaller and smaller so you can never be the biggest, best possible version of yourself?

So what if, instead, you made a commitment today to step outside your comfort zone? Are you open to the possibility of welcoming failure as a way to take you to the next level? To condition yourself to learn to hear ‘no’? What if, instead of avoiding rejection, you committed to seek rejection? What if, in thinking about failure,rejection, and ‘no’, you opted to turn the paradigm on its head and instead of fearing it, you looked forward to it as a source of empowerment? How? The answer is so simple it’s brilliant in its simplicity. Ask. Ask. Ask. Pick practice areas in your life where you’re willing to trial asking for what you want. And here’s the key. Don’t be tied or attached to getting a ‘yes’. In fact, as proposed by Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton in their bestselling book,Go For No, instead of going for‘yes’, actively go for ‘no’. Embrace the possibility of multiple rejections and set your targets for how many ‘no’ answers you need to get the number of ‘yes’answers you want.

By way of simple example, if you want 10 new clients this week (or donations to a cause or whatever you may be seeking) and you know that you’re likely to only get 10% of those you canvas to say ‘yes’, then don’t set your sights on achieving 10 yeses, but rather, flip that thought process on its head and set your goal to get 100 ‘no’s. That way,even as you get some ‘yeses’, you don’t slow down. You keep going for the‘no’s. And when you hit the ‘no’s (as you invariably will), it won’t stop you –you won’t see it as failure because you’re going for those ‘no’s. In addition to desensitizing yourself to the ‘no’s, think how much more likely you are to hit a higher level. Better yet, you’ll lose all the angst and wasted negative energy that comes from being afraid of the rejection, afraid of the ‘no’s. Go for the no. It’s liberating. Such a simple concept and such a powerful tool to be able to get through that fear of failure to the fabulous success that’s waiting for you on the other side.

Are you willing to put yourself out there and go for that ‘no’? To push past that fear of failure? Push past that fear of getting a ‘no’, knowing that your success lies on the other side of it.Once you desensitize yourself to hearing ‘no’ and rid yourself of that fear, look out world … you’ll be ready to level up to step into your feminine power as the formidable negotiator you’re ready to be.

What if I suggested that women are instinctively and intuitively better negotiators than men? Would you balk? Reject the idea? At a minimum, I’m sure you’d ask, “So why do women still make less money than men? Why do they ask for less than men? Why do they hesitate in speaking up?” All good questions.

But today, let me share my story.

I grew up in a low rental apartment complex in a tough neighborhood. My dad worked shift work in a factory. I remember those early mornings or late nights, if I was up and able to catch him alone as he got ready to go to work. Watching those strong worker’s hands pull the laces taut on his tan work boots, or watching his man-stance as he squatted to see himself in the hall mirror, combing his hair back in that Elvis style pompadour (or whatever they were called). I loved those stolen moments. But I also remember the struggles. The fighting between my parents. There was never quite enough money to make ends meet, even though he’d come day after day from the factory, exhausted, with nothing left, but still put on a brave face for my sister and I.

My dad was a guy’s guy. He was a big man, broad shouldered, big voice, big laugh, filled every room he ever walked in. He trained inner city boys how to box. I suspect he wanted boys himself, but he got stuck with my sister and I. He never taught us to box. Well, I remember once when I asked, and he had me assume the position and proceeded to sneak inside my Swiss cheese fist frame to tap me on the cheek over and over again, showing me how easy a target I was. I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, but that’s how it felt to me. Like an indictment. I wasn’t a boy. I wasn’t enough.

My paradigm shift came in grade 2. I won an ‘academic’ award. Maybe you remember them – those little badges they handed out for exceptional achievement. A light went on. Maybe I could achieve as a girl. And I became driven to ‘succeed’, to have more – more space than that little apartment, more money, but mostly, more respect. I was going to have a different outlook for my family.

And in spite of his background, my dad raised two strong, independent, professional women. Maybe too much so. He always warned us ‘whatever you think a guy’s thinking, it’s 100X worse – if you ever heard their locker-room talk, it would curl your toes.’ Not exactly a healthy model for building trusting relationships. And yet, maybe he was right. Given Trump’s pussy-grabbing comments which were roundly excused as just ‘boy’s locker room talk’ who am I to say?

So maybe I was genetically predisposed – or at least conditioned – to do this work. But initially I was gently pushed to pursue a traditional ‘successful’ career. So I went straight through high school to university to law school, shooting for those straight ‘A’s.

And in law school I took a negotiations course. Our entire grade was based on these simulated negotiations – the class would break into assigned pairs and negotiate against each other – the highest negotiated settlement got the highest mark (no credit for creative win-win solutions – just a straight column from highest settlement to lowest settlement amount). If you didn’t get a settlement you got a zero. You can imagine how those negotiations went with a highly competitive top law school student body. At the end of the year, the professor approached me and said he’d never seen results like mine in all his years of practice and teaching the course. I won virtually every single negotiation. And you can imagine how hard that got as the school year went on and everybody was gunning for me, expecting this hard-ass negotiator that they had to bring their A-game for, coming expecting to be screwed over.

But the interesting thing was that I didn’t approach those negotiations that way at all. Back then, I was still using my natural, instinctual – dare I say – more female negotiation style. I came at every negotiation from a place of rapport building and authenticity, working to find out what the other side wanted, what they needed, working with them to find a way to have them walk away content with the results. And as the year went on and I kept winning each negotiation, suffice it to say that trust-building got harder and harder. But somehow I was always able to win them over, to build that relationship, to find a win where they walked away happy (at least until the grades were announced).

But then I started the actual practice of law – initially in an all-male-partner firm, and later in my own firm, but still in a male-dominated environment – where I got positive feedback and reinforcement for tearing people apart. I still got great results, but I’d lost my intuitive female style. They called me ‘barracuda’. I made people cry on the witness stand. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I felt disconnected. It didn’t feel good. Or right.

And then it began to spill over into other areas of my life. I found I brought my ‘tough’ negotiator to every problem. Crappy hotel room? Look out, I was down at the front desk giving them what for. Phone company over-charging? Internet not working and the provider trying to blame the router provider? Hide your children, I was not letting them pull one over on me. And forget the ‘get more with honey’ approach. I’d convinced myself that people invariably tried to take advantage if you showed any sign of weakness; that the only way to get quick fulsome results was bringing my badass to the table. The little girl whose dad didn’t teach her to box was Muhammad Ali in the ring of life.

But then one day I was having what I thought was a simple discussion with my son. I saw his frustration mounting and at some point he finally exploded.
“For God’s sake, Mom! Does every conversation with you have to be a debate that you win?”
And just like that, my world changed. I felt my heart torn from my chest as I saw the angst and hurt on this face. And my world view changed in an instant. My sense of self shattered into little pieces on the floor in front of me. And in that moment of profound connection, my perspective on effective negotiations flipped. I realized I’d been duped into negotiating ‘like a man’. And I realized that I didn’t have to. And neither do you.

Stay tuned for future blogs as we navigate how to use your intuitive, natural negotiation style. Learn how to get what you want, need and deserve (from the boardroom to the bedroom) without sacrificing your sense of self. Explore the power of your authentic self, maximizing skills you already have in spades but may have doubted. I look forward to taking this journey with you.

You Are Already a Negotiator Part II

Many people don’t believe they’re effective negotiators. In fact, they don’t see themselves as negotiators at all. This is a problem. If you don’t believe in your own ability to negotiate best outcomes, you won’t be as effective as you could be.

Last week, we kickstarted the conversation to flip that disempowering story by busting myths that have held you back from stepping into the full force of your power.

This week, we continue the discussion, to convince you of your negotiation prowess and the ways in which you’re already more effective than you’ve given yourself credit for.

You don’t have to be mean to avoid ‘getting walked over’.

It’s not true that ‘nice guys finish last’. Nice has gotten a bad rap in recent years and is under-valued. Showing up with compassion, empathy, and a desire to collaborate will actually get you further than seeking to put one over on the other side.

Nice people may actually be better equipped as negotiators because bringing true trustworthiness and rapport-building to the table will elevate outcomes.

Ultimately, we all want to be seen, heard and to know that we matter. Being nasty in a negotiation does not achieve these outcomes. People may not remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. Making someone feel valued and respected opens the door to better outcomes. If you’ve bought into the myth that you’re not a great negotiator because you don’t bring the eye of the tiger, then I invite you to rethink your self-assessment.

You don’t have to be a poker player.

Most people mistakenly believe they need to hold their cards close to their chest to be effective, that if they’re open they’ll be taken advantage of. This myth is counterproductive. It’s tough to get meaningful resolutions that represent the highest good for all if everyone is in protective mode, refusing to share actual desired outcomes.

It is only through sharing real needs that opportunities pop up to find creative solutions to meet those needs – often in unexpected ways. A guarded, defensive posture in negotiations triggers a similar response in kind. This is rarely, if ever, a strong place from which to bargain for best outcomes.

If you’ve criticized yourself for your vulnerability and openness, you may want to rethink your inner self-talk and recognize it may be one of your greatest assets.

You don’t have to be cold or insensitive to be effective.

We’re taught that emotion has no place in negotiations. In fact, one of the unfounded criticisms levied against women is that they are too emotional to be good negotiators. There is a difference though between being emotional and bringing emotion to a negotiation. Bringing the emotional resonance of your ‘why’ can be a powerful motivator in a negotiation.

Also, when you’re faced with an emotional response from the other party, we’re conditioned to back away and not engage. I say lean into the messiness. That’s where the gold is in finding best outcomes. Get curious. Be empathetic. Find out what triggered the response – what’s the underlying need and how might you be able to meet it without sacrificing your needs.

Humans are emotional creatures. Understanding emotion and how it manifests for both parties is a significant advantage in any negotiation. Ignore emotions at your peril.

You don’t have to be a natural born negotiator.

Do you believe negotiation prowess and skills are innate and fixed traits – that one either has them or does not? If so, you’re not alone. But this belief is based on a myth and inhibits you from trying out your negotiation chops.

Negotiation is a learned skill. It takes practice. Learning more about the art of negotiation and applying those skills with intention leads to better abilities as a negotiator and results in better solutions. Every new building block sets a stronger foundation upon which to grow.

And you’ve had a lifetime of negotiation practice already. Every difficult conversation you’ve ever had is a form of negotiation that you learn from. Every interaction to purchase services – from cell phone coverage, to insurance, to financing – has improved your negotiation skills. Every interaction to purchase or sell goods – from vehicles (new or used), to flea markets and beyond – has moved you forward on your negotiation growth journey.

I hope this mini-series has opened your awareness about the ways in which you’re already a negotiator. I invite you to own the fact that you’re already a negotiator. Now, all you need to do is get more intentional about honing the innate skills you already have.

If you want to up-level your negotiation skills so you can get even more of what you want and deserve while still getting best outcomes for all, I offer a full range of programs (from online, to group, to VIP one-on-one coaching and Mastermind programs. I’ve developed simple, easy-to-apply negotiation models that will set you apart from the pack.

My mission is to help you leverage your innate power so you can negotiate your best life. Because, after all, all of life is a negotiation.

When you think of conflict, what words come to mind? How do you feel when you think about conflict? If you’re like most people, it triggers your lizard brain with a corresponding fight, flight or freeze response. Similarly, when you think of power, do you think of control over someone?

How we define conflict and power affects how we negotiate. Traditional views of both are, in part, responsible for stopping us from stepping up as our best negotiating selves. Let’s unpack how we currently view conflict and power to see if we can’t come up with a more empowering reframe of each.

Exploring dictionary definitions of conflict, the following words or phrases pop up:

• Fight
• Battle
• War
• Antagonistic state or action
• Competitive or opposing action
• Incompatible goals
• Collision
• Disagreement
• Clash of interest (usually over limited resources)
• Perceived threat
• Struggle

Perhaps the most unnerving was “may often have physical or psychological harm or destruction of their opponent as a goal.” Really?! No wonder people have resistance to conflict!

If we’re conditioned to perceive conflict in these terms, it’s no surprise that it triggers negative reactivity and provokes a competitive approach or causes us to back away altogether. Neither of these approaches serve the best negotiator in all of us.

These definitions are also premised on a scarcity mindset, one where we assume we’re fighting over limited resources. Again, this approach invariably leads to either a competitive response or an avoidance response.

It’s worth noting that this perception is more likely to adversely impact on women given our conditioning to be ‘good girls’, to ‘play nice’, to be ‘givers not takers’.

Instead, I invite you to reframe conflict.

What if, instead of a scarcity mindset, you approached life with an abundance mindset? Where you didn’t see life as a finite pie from which you had to clamor to get your slice, but instead, as offering unlimited resources. What if you chose to believe that there is all the love you need in this world; all the time you need; enough business for everyone; enough food for all; etc.?

What if you chose to see conflict as a valuable opportunity for growth, allowing people to consider and produce new and different ideas. What if conflict was constructive and necessary, opening the world to alternatives, allowing increased participation and reassessment, helping to build community and cohesiveness? What if conflict was the path to resolve problems and increase tolerance of differing views and perspectives?

Imagine how different negotiations would be if you approached conflict from that mindset. If it didn’t have to be about right or wrong, win or lose. Imagine what a difference that simple shift could make.

Tied to defining conflict is how we define power. Conditioning around power is another problem that interferes with our ability to step into our best negotiating selves. At the heart of many conflicts is an underlying sense of powerlessness. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions.

We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold, or exert power. We’re encouraged (sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much so) to crave power. This is not surprising in a world where we define success based on a competitive model. Our entertainment industry even has us cheering on anti-heroes in their quest for power at any cost.

I discuss how to tap into to more positive sources of power in my article, How to Get & Use Power in Negotiations.

I invite you to reframe how you look at power so you can bring it to the bargaining table in more elegant and constructive ways. We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with. In fact, the Miriam-Webster dictionary defines power as: “possession of control, authority or influence over others” – as if we own control over others.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

I invite you to reframe your concepts of conflict and power. Consider a potential situation of conflict that you may be facing in your life right now. How might reframing it as a beautiful opportunity to resolve problems in more creative ways help you show up better (and as a result get better outcomes)? Likewise, how might you increase your power in more constructive ways?

Why Junkyard Dog Negotiating Doesn’t Work

For too long we’ve defined success in negotiations based on a mistaken belief that toughness carries the day. We’ve been conditioned to believe that the person who brings a take-no-prisoners approach is going to ‘win’. This leads to junkyard dog tactics and styles that don’t serve anyone. I invite you to flip the story you’ve been told and be open to the idea that gentler strategies may get you better outcomes.

Let me note at the outset that I’m not preaching from on high. I’ve been guilty of buying into this myth myself. For a long time in my legal practice, my clients called me the barracuda. They meant it as the highest compliment … and I wore that moniker like a badge of honour for a long time. But there’s a high cost that comes with these winner-take-all approaches.

This conflict-based approach, in part, derives from how we define power. Conditioning around power is another problem that interferes with our ability to step into our best negotiating selves. At the heart of many conflicts is an underlying sense of powerlessness. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions. We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold, or exert power. We’re encouraged (sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much so) to crave power. Our entertainment industry even has us cheering on anti-heroes in their quest for power at any cost.

I invite you to reframe how you look at power so you can bring it to the bargaining table in more elegant and constructive ways. We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

Bringing empathy can be difficult in a negotiation where you find the other party particularly reprehensible. If someone is antagonistic, short-tempered, bullying or trying to exert power over you, you may be tempted to respond in kind.  It can be challenging to put yourself in their position and seek to understand their point of view.

But we never know what someone is going through in their life. All of us, at some point, are guilty of showing up as lesser versions of ourselves. I have no doubt that going through menopause, I was not always my most cooperative self. Or as I dealt with the pain of discovering a serious mental health issue with one of my children while simultaneously coping with the agonizing process of placing my mom in a long-term care facility, I’m quite sure there were days when I was less than a gracious bargaining counterpart.

We can weigh down negotiations with our false assumptions. As popstar, Amanda Marshall, sang, “Everybody’s got a story that could break your heart.” Try to imagine that story. Envision the goodness in that person to call on your empathy.

Note that you’ll want to be aware of both your own ego and the ego of the other party. In life generally, and in negotiations in particular, it can seem like we’re constantly bumping up against each other’s egos. Sometimes this happens intentionally. You may come up against someone who presents their ego like a battering ram, butting heads with you. If you reciprocate in kind, presenting your ego, you’ll both continue to bang heads and lock horns, almost certainly losing any prospect of achieving best outcomes.

Sometimes ego bumping happens unintentionally, more like slam dancing, where you’re not intending to bash into the other party like the battering ram ego, but rather, you’re both bouncing around with your egos in an agitated, high-energy state, and banging into each other as a logical consequence of that state. Or maybe it’s like blindfolded Twister ego bumping, where one or both are stumbling through the negotiation with blinders on, your egos bumping up against each other like things that go bump in the night. Raising your awareness about ego will help you avoid these eventualities and allow for better approaches and solutions.

Instead, I invite you to ground yourself before responding. Allow your reptilian brain to adjust and release the triggered state. Take a deep breath and invoke a mantra that gives you choice in how to respond. i.e. “I’m powerfully grounded, calm, collected, and compelling.” Choose the 3 words that best describe how you want to show up. You can tap into your personal 3-words by substituting them for the ‘calm, collected and compelling’ example above. From that state, you can choose how you ought to respond.

You may choose to call out ‘bad’ behaviour, but not from a place of reactivity, but rather, by inviting the other party to be the best version of themselves. For example, you could say, “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you. So, I assume you’re not trying to offend or steamroll me here. Let’s take a step back and reset the clock to see if we can’t find a better way to reach both our best outcomes.” Do you see how this allows you to take back power, while still inviting a collaborative approach?

Maybe next time you go to the bargaining table (whether personally or professionally) try to leave your junkyard dog at home and instead try on the Art of Feminine Negotiation™, a more collaborative approach to help you get more.

Ten Tips on How to Build Rapport to Get More

If you want to get more in your negotiations and in life, it’s time you master the skill of rapport-building. Rapport building is all about relationship. If you want best outcomes you need to find ways to make connection (rather than break it) and build bridges (rather than tearing them down).

If you’re not someone who easily connects with others, don’t despair. Rapport-building is not an elusive gift you’re born with innately or destined to do without. While some people seem to instantly connect with others, others need to build it with intention. Rapport building can be instantaneous, or it can take time to develop. It can grow naturally, or you can develop it with attention to the art.

If you’re looking to up-level your skills at building rapport in negotiations (and in life), here’s 10 quick tips on how to do it.

• Be Authentic

Always be authentic. Oscar Wilde quips: ‘Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.’ This is still solid advice. Avoid the temptation to adopt a persona that’s unnatural for you. That approach will break rapport. Know and perfect your natural negotiation style rather than trying to emulate someone else’s.

Building rapport is a hot topic these days, with ‘how to’ resources popping up everywhere. I encourage you to practice skills to build rapport but caution you to err on the side of being yourself as you work on the new skills becoming natural. It’s easy to get stuck in your head, over-thinking the ‘how’ and losing your natural charisma in the process.

• Focus on Making a Good First Impression

First impressions matter. We tend to have a visceral reaction to others within seconds of meeting so it’s important to invite a positive reaction from the outset. Get yourself in a positive state and show up with an inviting posture, genuine smile, and warmth in your eyes.

• Find Common Connection

Avoid jumping straight to business, but also avoid the common advice to create banal small talk as a rapport-builder. Try to find a more meaningful common interest or connection. Find your shared humanity. That’s a much better place from which to build rapport.

• Get Curious

Most people like to talk about themselves. Get curious. Ask open questions. Discover what brings them joy. What are they passionate about? Ask some variation of ‘tell me about yourself’ and you’ll be on track to build connection and rapport.

• Give a Compliment

Find something you can truly acknowledge that you appreciate about the other person. A sincere compliment goes a long way to kickstart rapport.

• Use the Person’s Name

We all like to be seen. Calling the other person by name early in the conversation creates connection and familiarity. But be sure you have the person’s correct name. Nothing breaks rapport like mispronouncing someone’s name, or worse, calling them by the wrong name.

• Be Honest

Be candid if you want to build rapport and trust. Admit when you don’t know the answer to something. Acknowledge mistakes. Many believe this undermines credibility and rapport, when the opposite is true. Being honest builds rapport, humanizing us and making us more relatable and trustworthy.

• Create Shared Experiences

Spending time together and sharing experiences outside the negotiation process can boost the connection process. You don’t have to engage in a high ropes challenge together but find an activity with potential to create connection.

Tied to this, strategically sharing personal information can be powerful to build trust and connection. Don’t prematurely over-share, but gradually increase intimacy so the other party feels they know you and become comfortable sharing with you.

• Mirror & Match

Be careful about today’s popular advice to mimic the other party in a negotiation (i.e. cross your arms or legs if they do). It takes practice and skill to do effectively. You need to be discreet or it can break rapport. A better starting place is to note the speech patterns, tone, tempo, and volume of the other party. Try to match those elements to increase the opportunity for connection.

• Inject Humor

Humor is a great antidote and connection-builder. Laughter releases the feel-good chemicals (endorphins) in our body, which opens the way for better bonding.

If you lose rapport in a negotiation, don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Be humble. Address why you lost rapport. Take ownership and apologize if appropriate. Get curious and determine how to get back on track.

Women often worry about their negotiation prowess. It’s worth noting that rapport-building is typically regarded as a ‘feminine’ trait. This isn’t surprising. In a world where for too long, they enjoyed so few rights, women were required to develop the skill. Their survival depended on becoming adept at developing relationships.

Practice these approaches so they become natural, and you can slip into rapport-building mode authentically. This lies at the heart of my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ approach, designed to get you better negotiated outcomes. Building better relationships will get you better negotiated outcomes.

Why Timing and Leverage are Key

There are a lot of strikes happening recently. We can’t turn on the news without hearing about another looming potential strike. As usual, the media are missing the point and mischaracterizing the issues in dispute. As I was stewing about the myths and misconceptions around unions and strikes, I also got thinking about the importance of timing and leverage in negotiations generally – and how under-appreciated these key factors are in getting best outcomes.

The leverage you have in any given negotiation depends in part on how much each party needs the deal in question vis-à-vis each other and the relative value of each party’s BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement).

Timing and circumstances can change your respective leverage. For instance, the leverage that mask producers held pre-COVID was dramatically less than it was at the height of the pandemic when masks were in short supply. And who would have believed that those with the ability to sell or provide toilet paper would have held such leverage as they did during the toilet paper shortages early in the pandemic?

Using strikes as an example to further illustrate the point of timing and leverage, it’s easy to appreciate that if workers commenced a strike during COVID, when their business was not operational, they would have no leverage whatsoever. The timing would be terrible. The Employer would have no incentive to meet the Union demands when the business was not operational in any event. Make sense?

The same holds true for any negotiation. Timing is important. The extent of your leverage will likely depend on timing. Heck, some people don’t even realize when a negotiation has already started. Most negotiations commence before the formal ‘sit-down’. If you’re not aware that the other party has already started negotiating (and laying the foundation for the negotiation) you may well be standing in the path of an invisible wrecking ball.

Part of the preparation for any negotiation is strategically considering the most advantageous timing to maximize best outcomes. Is there a time when the other party’s needs will be greater, thereby giving you more leverage? Again, using the strike scenario as an example, a Christmas dependent business would be more devastated by a strike occurring during that peak season.

The opposite is also true. In determining the most advantageous timing you need to consider if there is a time when the other party’s needs for what you offer will be lower, thereby giving you less leverage. For example, teachers would have less leverage if they threatened a strike during the summer months when the schools are closed and their absence would have little impact.

Time of year, month and even time of day can give more or less leverage depending on the circumstances. Be tactical and deliberate where possible. Maximize every possible advantage to getting better outcomes.

Another aspect of timing is urgency. Does one party have greater urgency for the item/issue which is the subject of the negotiation? The party with the greater ability to wait arguably has more leverage. I recall the COVID testing rules changing while I was away on business, and I needed a PCR test urgently and immediately to get back home. Needless to say, I had less leverage in bargaining price-point for the test.

Also consider how much time to allot for negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed, whereas sometimes urgency is your friend. Be sure you don’t allow the other party to use time against you with pressure tactics or artificial time limits, depriving you of the opportunity to fully consider your position.

Kids intuitively invoke timing in their negotiations. They know it’s better to wait to ask for what they want until you’re in a good mood. Or when you need to get out the door in 2 minutes to make your meeting and your child is lollygagging, they likely hold more leverage in the moment as you need them out the door more than they need to get out the door.

Consider your past negotiations. When has timing helped or hindered your leverage? We often see time as our enemy. I invite you to make time your friend in negotiations. You can do this by getting more intention about timing and the leverage it gives you.