Author: Cindy Watson

Know the Who

And so we come to the bittersweet end of our 5W journey together. You’ve now explored how to use why, when, where and what as extra tools in your negotiation toolkit. I hope you see the value in applying these lessons, with intention, to your future bargaining. If so, you will set yourself apart and better position yourself to be a more influential and effective negotiator in both your personal and professional life. In this final installment, we complete our review of these quintessential W’s (sorry – couldn’t resist the play on words) as we consider the who of your negotiations.

Who are you?

This may seem like a ridiculous question, but trust me when I say it’s definitely worth giving this question serious consideration. If your negotiation is professional, what’s your position, title, and authority? Is there a hierarchy at play, and if so, where do you fit in that hierarchy? Who will the other side see you as? Will they see you as someone to take seriously or someone they’ll try to fluff off? Think about this and be prepared. Factor it into your strategy. Find a way to use this insight to your benefit. If the buck stops with you, use that. If not, find a way to make it advance your needs. If someone is likely to underestimate you, use that against them. Turn it to your advantage.

If this is a personal negotiation, are you coming into this negotiation as a mom, daughter, sister, wife or neutral? I had an experience recently where I was dealing with my daughter and I desired a particular outcome. As a mom, I was very invested in pushing for the outcome I wanted for her best interest. The conversation did not go well. I realized (too late) that if I were coaching a client on this issue I would never have approached it the way I had. My passion in ‘mom’ mode sabotaged my effectiveness as a negotiator in my exchange. Had I been able to maintain a more ‘neutral’ and compassionate approach I would likely have gotten infinitely better results – for her and me.

Similarly, with a life partner, we’re much more likely to let emotion enter our bargaining and potentially undermine our position in ways we’d never contemplate or tolerate in a third party situation. In advance of your discussion, consider, with intention, what role you want to negotiate from to maximize your effectiveness. Even though you’re negotiating with your kid or life partner, you may or may not want to come at the negotiation in that ‘role’. Be deliberate in making this decision.

Who do you want to show up as?

You may be scratching your head, wondering what I mean by that. Relax, I’m not suggesting dress-up or role play. Every interaction, every moment of every day, you get to choose how you want to show up – who you want to show up as. Will you show up with compassion? Integrity? Presence? Generosity? Vulnerability? Or is this an exchange where you need to show up tough? Confident? Controlled? You get the idea. Making this decision consciously, in both your personal and professional life can profoundly change your relationships and your interactions. Imagine choosing who you want to show up as every evening before you step through your front door or every morning before you step across the threshold at work. Imagine the power of choosing how you show up for every exchange.

Who are you negotiating with?

Once you’ve examined yourself and decided who you’re going to show up as in any given communication, do the same for the other party. Who are they likely to show up as? Consider this in advance of the meeting or discussion. For example, do you anticipate that they’ll bring their game face with bluster and bravado and aggression, or play the victim card? Be prepared either way. Also consider if they show up differently, how would you best handle it?

Who should you be negotiating with?

Have you ever conducted a negotiation with someone only to have them claim to not have authority to give you what you need at the end of the conversation? Perhaps before you decide how to handle your bargaining counterpart’s approach, consider if they’re even the best person to address the particular issue with? If not, who should you negotiate with? Maybe it makes sense to have a preliminary discussion with the intended negotiator, but maybe you should resolve this issue right out of the gate and insist on speaking to the appropriate person from the outset for maximum efficiency and results.

Tied to that, consider who else can or should be included in the negotiations. Whether on your side or the other side, who could help give you an edge? Maybe someone on your ‘team’ has a particular viewpoint or expertise or style that would resonate deeply with your counterpart. If so, consider bringing them in. Likewise, maybe someone on the other party’s ‘team’ would be highly sympathetic to your proposal. If so, try to find a way to have them included. The opposite is also true. Who should be excluded from the discussions if at all possible? If someone has an ax to grind with you, maybe find a way to keep them away from the table. If someone has a history of taking a hard line on the issue you need, try to bypass them if possible. Or maybe, just having too many cooks stirring the broth is a problem in itself and culling the herd will yield you better results. Again, considering these angles with intention will elevate your bargaining and increase your effectiveness to get you better results.

Who will be impacted by your negotiation?

We sometimes forget about the ripple effect of our actions. Negotiations are no exception. Think about the potential impact of your bargaining on others who may not be at the table. Sometimes a shortsighted gain in the moment may have disastrous long-term impact on others. Negotiating a ‘win’ on one issue may negatively impact on other important relationships in your life. These are factors that a skilled negotiator will contemplate and incorporate in the preparation process. So should you if you want to up your game and get the best outcomes.

As with the earlier articles in this series, this piece is intended to raise a smattering sample of who questions for you to contemplate. It’s designed to open your perspective and show the benefits of a broader vision in bargaining. My hope is to get you thinking about the possibilities the 5 W’s could open up if you consider and consistently apply them to your negotiations. If you do so with forethought and intention, you can move the dial to stack the odds in your favour. Take advantage of every possible edge. You’ll have more influence, be more persuasive and get better outcomes in your negotiations. It’s simple and powerful – like most great ideas.

Know the What

We’re nearing the end of our 5W journey. We’ve already explored how to use why, when and where as extra tools in your negotiation arsenal. If you recall, I suggested that negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and better navigate the murky waters of mediation and negotiation. I hope you’re now seeing the potential power of this oft-ignored quintet and contemplating how to incorporate these ideas into your own negotiations. Today, we continue to examine these elements as we consider the all-important what of your negotiations.

This is perhaps the seemingly most obvious of the 5 W’s. What you negotiate about is typically forefront in your mind as you start the dialogue. We tend to have an ‘eye on the prize’ approach to our negotiations in life. I’d venture to guess, though, that your sense of the what of your bargaining is more shallow than it could be and doesn’t serve you as fully as it could. The what is often referred to as the ‘matter’ of the negotiations – the subject of your discussions, the issue(s) you’re addressing (the counter to the ‘means’ or ‘how’ of the process). Most people believe they have a clear sense of this. I’m going to ask you to consider digging a little deeper.

What do I want? What’s my priority? What does the other side want? What are their priorities? What can I offer? What should I offer? What’s my bottom line? These are the basic what questions that most people focus on. Our goal here, though, is to set you apart from ‘most people’. So let’s go a layer deeper. Ask yourself more what questions before you start bargaining. Here’s a few examples to get you thinking about the possible scope of the what: What leverage can I bring to bear? What strategy should I adopt? What can I say or do to be more persuasive? What unresolved personal baggage am I bringing to this discussion? What assumptions or biases do I bring that might impact on this negotiation? What other benefit(s) could potentially come from this negotiation? What impact will this negotiation have on this relationship, other relationships, future dealings, my sense of self, their sense of self, my reputation? These may seem frivolous but can be important game-changers when applied with intention. Consider, for example, if you’re negotiating with your child. You know you can easily maneuver the conversation to get what you want. But what if making your child ‘up their game’ while letting them ‘win’ the negotiation will be a great self-esteem boost and valuable life lesson for them and that the results matter very much to them but don’t really matter to you. Isn’t that valuable to factor in to how you conduct the negotiation? The same considerations can apply whether you’re dealing with your life partner, boss, employees or otherwise – in both your personal and professional negotiations.

In going deeper, I’d also suggest that at the outset of every negotiation, you consider what you think you’re negotiating for or about … and then take a beat to explore if perhaps there is something more that underlies the negotiation. Sometimes it really is just about the ‘ask’ on the table. But often, there’s something more behind the apparent issue being discussed. It’s worth asking yourself, “is this just about the matter or thing, or is something deeper at play here – i.e. is there an issue of power, control, reputation, respect, etc.” What’s motivating me or driving me on this point?

Once you’ve mastered that ability, it’s equally important to consider the deeper what vis-à-vis the other party. As we discussed in our why post [Part 1], think of the other party as an iceberg. What they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs. Ask yourself if their ‘ask’ is really what it seems at face value, or are deeper issues at stake for them as well? If the answer is ‘yes’ (i.e. you believe other motivators are likely at play) consider whether the other side is conscious of them. Their level of self-awareness can profoundly impact your negotiations. You can tailor your strategy and tactical decisions to the fundamental motivator of your negotiating partner. It’s a powerful tool. When you bring that level of insight, you can influence the negotiated outcomes by drawing on that deeper knowledge and using it to your advantage even (or especially) if the other party is unaware of their deeper drives.

Also consider what both yours and the other party’s state is at the outset of your bargaining. We discussed this under the when segment of this series [Part 2] in terms of whether the timing is right. As noted in that post, our state matters in negotiations, as most humans can’t avoid being affected by emotions. Be intentional about what state you want to be in to maximize your influence and effectiveness while simultaneously using the other party’s state to make strategic decisions about how to best approach the matter at issue.

During the negotiation, keep considering deeper-layered what questions. What are they saying (their words) versus what they’re really saying (their meaning)? What do their nonverbal cues tell me? By the same token, what messages am I sending through my tone, body language, facial expressions? What other interpretations could be read into my words? What seems to be landing well versus what’s causing resistance? What tactics should I adopt? What tactics are being used against me? What other opportunities are opening up, if any?

This article just scratches the surface of the multitude of what questions you could explore. My hope is to get you thinking about the possibilities they could open up for you. If you consider and apply the what of your negotiations with forethought and intention, you’ll have more influence in your negotiations and get better results. It’s that simple.

Know the Where

Ready for your next instalment of our 5 W’s of highly effective negotiation series? So far, we’ve explored (i) the importance of knowing your why and (ii) the advantage of considering your when with intention. Today, let’s dive into the where – the middle child of those 5 powerful monosyllabic words.

Interestingly, people are more likely to consider the where in ‘formal’ business negotiations than in their personal lives. As a longtime labour lawyer, collective bargaining negotiations immediately come to mind. Parties sometimes bargain about where to bargain! It’s a conscious decision about whether bargaining ought to play out on Employer’s premises, Union offices or neutral territory. And so, hotels make lots of money from labour negotiations, with neither side wanting to cede power. Likewise, for corporate or legal deals, typically there’s jostling for perceived advantage over whose impressive digs get showcased for bargaining. You almost expect some players to start pissing in corners to mark their territory. Sports is no exception with the real or perceived touted advantages of home turf.

Be careful not to get so caught up in the power struggle of bartering on home field that you don’t consider actual strategic implications. There are pros and cons to conducting negotiations in your own space – from the business world to home insurance. Smart negotiators weigh odds to tip the balance in their favour – not based on power plays but instead grounded in practical, meaningful factors. Being in your own space means you’ll be more likely to have immediate access to information you may need, for example. This can be an advantage or disadvantage depending on the type and stage of negotiation. Sometimes there’s a strategic advantage to not having resources available. It can allow you to defer or buy time. “I’m happy to consider that, but I’ll have to check xyz and don’t have access to it here.” Similarly, there may be distractions to deal with in your own sandbox which wouldn’t be an issue off-site. Or consider the simple proposition that allowing someone into your space shows them a part of you that may or may not serve you. If you’re trying to project an image of power and infinite resources but live or work out of a shoebox, negotiating there wouldn’t be your strongest strategic move. Alternatively, if you need sympathy to drive the price down, you don’t want to haggle from your multi-million dollar penthouse suite. You get the idea.

Aside from the ‘yours or mine’ factor, consider the mood that would best further your cause. Are you trying to exert and exude power, or to make them comfortable? Is it a private conversation or public? Do you need quiet and intimacy or noisy distraction? Is this the kind of discussion that should take place over a meal or boardroom table? If the former, is it a lunch or dinner issue? Casual or high end? Could the conversation best be tackled at a social event where the guard may be lower, or do you need the intensity of a law office? If the former, would a cultured event work best or something low brow?

These considerations, in part, depend on the nature of the negotiation at hand. Where you contemplate complicated stock options or mergers and acquisitions will no doubt not be the same place you’d want to haggle your kids’ curfew or even custody issues. Even within negotiation categories, however, determining your where, with intention, will make you a more effective negotiator. If you’re negotiating for a salary increase, for example, consider whether you’ll increase your odds by raising the conversation casually at the water cooler versus the boss’s office versus on a firm spa retreat. If you’re bartering over the purchase of a used car should you do it on the lot or in the office? Again, you get the idea.

Considering these factors in a meaningful way also requires knowing yourself and the other party. In what setting are you most effective? Are you easily distracted and have difficulty focusing? If so, ensure your negotiations take place where you can concentrate all your attention on the issue at hand. On the other hand, if the other party is distractible, consider whether that will work to your advantage or detract from your ability to persuade effectively. Are you most comfortable and at ease in a casual setting with a drink in your hand, or are you likely to concede more than you should in that environment? By the same token, what setting will make your counterpart most comfortable? Do you want them comfortable or will it better suit your needs if they’re a little on edge?

The where also entails deciding whether the conversation needs to take place in person at all, or whether a phone call will suffice. And whether you determine that live or remote is most effective, always consider the possibility of recording capabilities. Today, people routinely record conversations (sometimes legally, sometimes not). Guard yourself against the possibility of surreptitious recordings in your negotiations by controlling your environment to the extent possible.

As noted earlier, people tend to be less likely to ponder the where as a factor in personal negotiations. So heed this advice: prepare for your personal negotiations like you would for any high stakes professional bargaining session. I invite you to consider your why. I encourage you to consider your when before you embark on a personal barter. And I caution you not to forget the where next time you’re about to haggle with your partner or kids or other personal contact in your life. With your partner, for example, there are some conversations that can be done in the bedroom (with or without clothing), but some that need to be done at the breakfast table (especially if you’re trying to ‘sell’ or cast a vision for the future).

Whether in your personal or professional life or somewhere in between, these considerations can elevate the level of your effectiveness as a negotiator. Setting is important. That’s why renowned authors spend so much time on setting in their books. Setting can ground or unsettle us, envelop or push us away, warm or cool us. Use it as another tool in your arsenal. You may not always be able to control where your negotiations take place. But if you start actively contemplating the where, as one of the factors to consciously address in planning your negotiations where possible, you will increase your influence and get better results. Most people don’t apply these factors with intention. When you do, you already set yourself apart from the pack and elevate your status as a successful negotiator.

Know the When

Last week, we started our 5 W’s of highly effective negotiation series. For those with short memories (menopause and mom-brain come to mind), or those just joining us, I’m talking about those 5 powerful little monosyllabic words – who, what, where, when & why. If you recall, I suggested that negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and can better navigate the sometimes murky waters of mediation and negotiation. Our kick-start to the discussion tackled knowing your why going in to a negotiation. Today, we take on the importance of knowing the when of your negotiations.

Timing is everything. You’ve no doubt heard that expression a thousand times. And yet, most people still don’t factor timing as an item to address with intention in their negotiations. As kids we knew it intuitively. Do you remember waiting until your mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that thing you desperately wanted but knew would be an uphill battle? We instinctively tried to stack odds in our favour – line up the check marks to maximize our chances of success. When we let our eager impatience get the best of us and forged ahead despite all the warning signs, and ended up tanking our quest, we recognized our timing faux pas (although we wouldn’t have called it that) immediately. And yet, somehow, we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are likely higher.

Heck, many people don’t even consider when the negotiations have started. Laying the foundation in advance of the ‘formal’ negotiation can be a key first step to getting the results you want. Make no mistake, whether it’s you or the other party setting down the groundwork, the negotiation has started at that point. If you’re not aware that the other side is already negotiating you may unwittingly be standing in the path of an unseen wrecking ball. Preparation is an essential element of the negotiation process. It just may be the most important element. In fact, as a basic starting point on this issue, consider it a new ground rule that the time (or when) is almost never right unless and until you’re prepared.

Part of that preparation is actively considering the most strategically advantageous timing for your negotiation. Depending on the subject of your negotiation, consider time of year, month and even day. There’s no point seeking a raise the day after budgets for the year have been finalized. Or pitching for a July family vacation the day after your only child just accepted an intensive summer internship. Asking for a bonus or perk during peak selling months is likely to be more effective than asking during winter lows. Did you just lose a big account or conversely have a record quarter? Are you a morning person or evening? What about the person you’re negotiating with? Be tactical and deliberate where possible on whether the negotiation is best served over breakfast versus dinner, or on the way out the door versus bedtime. Is this a vacation conversation, better tackled away from the distractions of everyday life? These may not seem significant, but why not maximize every possible advantage? Use the law of probabilities to your benefit.

From an emotional perspective, you’ll want to consider both your state and that of the other side in determining if the timing is right. For example, are you (or they) in a good mood or angry, stressed or relaxed? Are they in the middle of a big deal that’s going south? If so, is that an advantage or disadvantage to getting what you want at that moment? As humans, most of us can’t avoid being affected by emotions. Simply put, our state matters in negotiations. If you can control the timing, factor this in. (Or alternatively learn to control your state). Either way, be aware of the other person’s state and be intentional about how that plays into the timing of your negotiation.

Another aspect of timing in negotiations is the question of how much time you allot for the negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed. You don’t want to hurry to a conclusion to your detriment, leaving too much on the table in your haste to close the deal. By contrast, sometimes urgency is your friend in the bargaining process. Again, the trick is to be intentional. Use it with purpose. Equally, be sure not to let the other party use it against you, by pressuring you with artificial time limits or other time constraints into negotiating against yourself or not giving yourself the time you need to fully consider your position. Have you ever rushed into an agreement that you lived to regret? Be conscious to control the when of your negotiations to avoid this pitfall.

Hopefully you’re beginning to see the possibilities in managing the when of negotiations. This article just scratches the surface of this potential minefield. The idea is just to get you thinking about these 5 W’s as serious factors to be considered and applied with forethought and intention. Sometimes the when of negotiations is beyond our control. Life happens. Situations or opportunities arise unexpectedly. I get that. But if you start consciously considering timing as a factor to weigh, whenever possible, you’ll get better results. You’ll have more influence in your negotiations and increase your outcomes. So take the time to consider time. You’ll become a more effective negotiator. How simple is that?

Know the Why

We’re taught to implement the 5 W’s in problem solving or information gathering. To be clear, I’m not talking about the multi-purpose lubricant touted for everything from squeaky doors to rusty under-carriages. I’m talking about those 5 little words – who, what, where, when and why. Not only are those simple five monosyllabic words helpful in investigatory endeavors, but they can have profound impact in other areas of life. Negotiation is no exception. In fact, I’d go so far as to say those negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and can better navigate the sometimes murky waters of mediation and negotiation.

How, you ask? Let’s stick with the ‘W’ questions instead. With your permission, I’m going to start at the back end and work forward in a multi-blog series on the issue. In today’s blog post we’re going to tackle the why.

I Know the Why:

Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. A critical component of knowing yourself is knowing your why. Tap into your motivation. Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives a given negotiation. Let it inspire and propel you to be more persuasive and influential.

Let’s consider a simple example. Imagine you’re negotiating a salary increase. First, picture your approach if you believe it’s just about the money. Close your eyes, and visualize how that negotiation would go down – consider your arguments, mental state, attitude, energy, and motivation. Typically, when we focus on the money our range is narrowed, both in terms of the substance we bring to the table and the process, including our emotional engagement.

Now, imagine that same negotiation, but this time, it’s not just about the money, but instead, you tap into your deeper drives. Consider lifestyle benefits a salary increase brings. Perhaps it’s special programming for your kids – something they desperately want but money stood in the way. Maybe a much-needed romantic (or family) vacation is what you pine for, to rekindle important relationships in your life. How about a dream adventure – a bold, bucket-list-worthy escape? If you’re more of a pragmatist, is setting up a security bucket for your future and the future of your family what drives you?

And what are your whys beyond lifestyle? Maybe the salary increase signifies success, security or status for you. Does it allow you to own your value with confidence? Is it important for you to be a role model for someone and this potential salary increase is an important step in that direction for you. Maybe you want your daughter to see that a woman can succeed in a male-dominated industry, or by following her purpose and passion, or whatever message the salary increase equates to for you. You get the idea. The list of possible motivations is as long as the number of people negotiating every moment of every day.

Women often have baggage around money and wealth. This baggage can hold you back from asking for what you deserve. Money doesn’t make us shallow, selfish or greedy – it helps us achieve our goals. It’s important to know, with clarity, what those bigger goals and deeper whys are. Knowing your why going into a negotiation will give you greater courage, strength and impetus. It will inspire you to step in with confidence to get what you want, and to step up with the full force of your feminine power (in whatever style or means that brings to bear for you).

Once you’ve considered your own whys before you embark on the negotiation, it’s time to turn your attention to the party you’ll be negotiating with. Knowing yourself and your own motivation is only half the equation. It’s critical, as an effective negotiator, to also consider the motivation of the other side. What drives them? What are their big whys? Chances are, it’s not just about the money for them either. Think of the other party as an iceberg. What you see and what they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs.

Using our same salary negotiation example, if you’re negotiating with a manager, maybe their job security is on the line if they don’t cut costs, or the bonus they need so their kid can do the once-in-a-lifetime band trip to Switzerland depends on coming in under budget. Do they need to prove to the owner that they have what it takes to take it to the next level? An owner may be driven by status, or perceived power or to prove they deserved the family business and won’t let it fail. The saved money may be necessary to care for a sick loved one.

These motivations affect both the means and matter of negotiation – how they negotiate and what they’re prepared to offer. Think of the advantage you hold when you know what drives them – what’s really behind the posturing – what motivates their moves. You can anticipate, prepare and undercut or address these motivations. You can tailor your strategy and tactical decisions specifically to the fundamental motivator of your negotiating partner. It’s a powerful tool.

Don’t make the rookie mistake of thinking you need to stay detached. Instead, take advantage of the potential secret weapon of digging in to the emotion. Emotion is a powerful motivator. Find what motivates the other side and use it to your advantage. Find yours. Use it to fuel you. It will make you more effective, persuasive and compelling. When you understand and accept that the outcome has real meaning to you, beyond just dollars and cents, that stimulus will incentivize you and take your negotiation to the next level.

An old proverb says silence is golden. Perhaps nowhere is this more accurate than in the realm of negotiation.

The exact origins of this proverb have been obscured by time and there’s no consensus on when or where the saying began. One thing is sure, its pedigree is long and distinguished. Some version of the expression has been found in ancient Chinese proverbs and even Biblical Proverbs. Later variations of the expression have been linked to luminaries like Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, with Lincoln purportedly saying: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” And Twain, ever blunt, saying:  “Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

So why has this this expression survived history and been taken up by numerous figures and cultures throughout time? Likely because of its wisdom. I’m sure we can all think of times we wish we’d held our tongues, knowing the result would have been better had we just kept silent. Have you ever said something to a loved one that hurt their feelings and you later regretted? Even the criminal law recognizes the importance of this message, codifying a right to remain silent. So we see that the value of silence is acknowledged in the private and public spheres, but an important (but less discussed) environment where silence is valuable, is the art of negotiations.

Silence can be a prudent course of action. It can also be a source of power. When a negotiation lapses into silence, people often get anxious and scurry to fill the silence with argumentation or tactics of persuasion. Is it good to fill the silence? Or should we remain silent? This may seem like a small question, but it can be a key factor impacting the ultimate outcome of a negotiation.

Many people wonder what silence conveys in a negotiation. Let’s say you’re in a two-party negotiation. If negotiations have been progressing, it’s inevitable there will be a time when the other party makes their point and you’re expected to respond. This is where you have a choice: fill the silence immediately or take a moment and embrace silence. It’s a binary choice. You must do one or the other. We know what happens if we jump to fill the silence. We’ve no doubt been doing this most of our lives. Too often, we jump in with a retort that probably would have been better if we had just thought about it for a moment. Often when we jump in, it’s driven by the desire not to seem “stupid.” But will people interpret your silence as stupidity, and would it really be so bad if they did?

Far from creating negative impressions, silence can be beneficial in negotiations, and if you keep quiet once the other party stops speaking, the resulting silence can be useful. For example, the silence (or pause) allows you the necessary time to absorb and appreciate what was said. This appreciation can then form the basis of a well-reasoned response, having had time to consider all, or at least more of, the ramifications that may come from accepting what the other party has proposed. In short, you can use the silence to help craft a response that bolsters your interests and best furthers your ends in the negotiation. And if the other party thinks the silence means you’re stupid, well, so much the better; maybe they will drop their guard. Let your response dispel them of the notion you’re stupid!

Stopping to think about what was said may allow you to better see things from the other party’s perspective and to more fully understand their aims and interests. This can be particularly important in negotiations based on relationships, interest-based or collaborative bargaining and ongoing or recurring negotiations (i.e. wage negotiations at your job).

Taking a moment to pause and reflect not only demonstrates that you are a thoughtful negotiator who is taking the other party’s statements seriously, it shows you don’t feel intimidated. When intimidated, people often scramble to speak, to assuage any conflict or perception of incompetence. Pausing to think demonstrates that you’re unintimated by conflict and won’t allow your judgment to be guided by perceptions that may or may not be valid. In short, negotiators who accept silence as part of the process are less likely to be, or at least appear to be, intimidated. More than that, your silence might even intimidate the other party! Let them be the one to squirm in the silence and perhaps rush to fill it, giving you extra information and insights to use as you see fit.

Though it seems counterintuitive, silence is a form of communication and there are times when silence can be the most effective means of communicating.  Negotiation success is not based on who speaks the most, the longest or the loudest. Of course, silence won’t be appropriate all the time or in every situation. It’s important to take stock if silence is the right course of action for you in any given negotiation. But don’t worry about seeming incompetent. Seasoned negotiators use silence strategically. So, line yourself up in that category. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at the results.

Women, you’ve heard me get on my pulpit and preach about how you need to invoke your Momma bear for your own inner bear cub. How we advocate relentlessly for others, but not so much for ourselves. You’ve heard me rail about trusting your natural negotiation style and pushing past limiting beliefs to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom. And I meant it. But if you’re prone to motion sickness, you may want to grab a chair, or better yet, something bolted down so you don’t get dizzy from an apparent 180 degree turnabout. Because today, my sermon is designed to convince you that you don’t always need to go for the jugular.

Bear with me. These philosophies are not as contradictory as they may first appear. Let’s start with some fundamental principles. One of the basic teaching points on the art of negotiation is to always set a reservation price or resistance point – a bottom line. Without this anchor to hold you, you risk sliding past your point of no return. There are any number of tactics the pundits advise you employ to hold firm on your reservation price or point. Making pie in the sky demands, presenting a first and final offer, providing an ultimatum or walking away are just a few examples.

An equally important, but often overlooked principle, however, is to consider the zone of potential agreement – the area where both sides can get what they want if they each go to their respective reservation or resistant points. If there is no overlap, then there won’t be an agreement unless one side budges from its reservation or resistance point. But typically, there is a range of possible settlement options that fall within both sides’ bottom line positions. We’re conditioned to believe that an effective negotiator will always push to the absolute limit of the other side’s resistance point, and beyond if possible.

And therein lies the rub. The myth that strong negotiators need to chafe against the opposing standpoint, to create friction to burn through the opposing view. A lesson I learned later than I would have liked, is that you don’t always have to go for the jugular, leave nothing on the table, leave blood on the floor, or whatever other apt cliché comes to mind. You don’t necessarily have to push the other side to their drop-dead bottom line. Let me give you an example to illustrate the point. When I was younger, I fell in love with Mexico. I loved its people, the food, the culture, its nightlife. Everything seemed alive, vibrant and sharper. I loved to haggle on the beach with locals peddling their wares. And I was a great haggler. I seemed to have an instinct for knowing the outside limit to which I could push. I let them walk away, somehow knowing they’d come back. Friends always thought my ‘reservation price’ (although we didn’t call it that – didn’t even know the term or concept except instinctually) was ridiculous and unattainable. But I virtually always got what I wanted at my bottom line price (which was sometimes as little as 20% of asking price). I was proud of my bargaining prowess.

As a starving student, that was forgivable. But later in life, it suddenly struck me that I didn’t need to get the rock bottom price the peddler was prepared to accept. That there was a power imbalance and maybe my insistence on beating them down to the bottom line and beyond was actually a little exploitative. I was embarrassed about my past negotiation ‘victories’. Because ultimately isn’t negotiation often about relationship? Would you want to take advantage of bargaining power as against your child? Or aging parent? Or trusting lover?

It’s important for a seasoned negotiator to consider these factors in determining how far and how hard to push in any negotiation: (i) your goals and objectives (not just short-term, but long-term as well), (ii) your power compared to the other party’s, and (iii) your desired relationship with the other party. Ironically, these are all factors that most women intuitively consider when they come at negotiations from a place of natural feminine energy. In my blog, “Debunking the Myth re Women and the Art of Negotiation”, we talked about the key skill sets required of an effective negotiator. Assertiveness is only one factor. The others are rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. Knowing when to back off and accept a deal somewhere in the potential zone of agreement, without pushing the other side to their edge, can be effective to build rapport and trust. It requires empathy and intuition. It takes flexibility in the heat of a negotiation. In other words, knowing when to back off employs all the key ‘feminine’ attributes of a great negotiator. Use them. Trust those instincts.

Does that mean you should never bear down and push to the tissue-paper thin edge? Of course not. The key is knowing when … and why. The trick is to be intentional in those choices. Learn to control the essential skills so you can adopt them at will. So you can use them strategically. If you need to establish primacy, credibility and/or control in a particular negotiation to set the tone for future negotiations in a relationship, or to make a point, or example of someone who tried to take advantage of you or your ‘team’, then you may well want to step down hard and not let up.

By all means go for the jugular where necessary. But ensure that your approach is deliberate. Don’t be reactive, governed by emotion. And don’t be motivated based on stale-dated myths that negotiation is all about the bite or that giving is a sign of weakness. Sometimes, generosity in negotiations can be your greatest show of strength.

Have you ever found that you sought to make yourself smaller? I’m not talking about weight, diet or physical girth here – although that’s an issue that also burns my biscuits. It’s bad enough that women have been propagandized to try to fit into some magazine or billboard no-fat image of what a woman should look like. But now we have size zero clothing. Zero? Really? Now we need to strive to be invisible altogether? Non-existent. Nothing. Zero. But I digress. When I ask whether you’ve ever sought to make yourself smaller, I’m referencing the sad fact that as early as kindergarten, young girls start diminishing themselves.

Studies show that young boys gain social status in the schoolyard when they brag about themselves and strive to make themselves larger, bigger than life. By contrast, as young girls we tune in quickly to subtle (and not so subtle) cues that we need to step back from our young feminine power, or face social shunning. Guess what choice most girls make when faced with that price? From a young age, we too often start diminishing ourselves, conditioned to be self-effacing and self-deprecating. Not exactly a recipe to allow us to step into our power, strength or confidence. It keeps us small.

This pattern dogs us as we grow. When we see ourselves as being ‘too much’ we feel the need to tone down. When we’re a little flamboyant, whether in our dress, self-expression, or voices, we get put down. And sadly, it’s often from our own gender. Remember hearing (or saying) “she’s so full of herself,” “she thinks she’s so much,” or some similar eviscerating refrain? We shame ourselves about our physical attributes, our dress, our life choices – even our exuberance. And so we often go through life changing our conduct, changing our very sense of self because we fear the judgment. We don’t want to be seen as too bitchy, too trashy, or just plain too much.

If we’re really honest with ourselves, we’ve all been guilty of it at one or both ends. For myself, I was aware of it at some level and fought against it, but still sometimes fell victim to the shrinking syndrome. I always loved to dance. I felt great joy in dancing with total abandon. But then in my clubbing days, I’d notice the looks, hear the comments, and feel the inhibition creep in, the need to tone it down, to de-sexualize it. And so we become a lesser version of our self.

So is it any surprise that still later in life, whether in our personal or professional lives, we let men take credit for our ideas? Or that we change our tone to avoid being seen as too aggressive for acting in ways that men would be rewarded for?
Can you think of times in your life when you maybe pulled in the reins, not felt the ability to be your full expressive self, dimmed your light somehow?

And as we dim ourselves, men are rewarded for beating their chests. They get the promotions. They get the higher wages. They get the higher ground in relationships. Because they put themselves out there. They expect to get what they want. They ask for what they want. Studies show, for example, that if a woman has 4 out of 5 requirements for a job posting, she’s less likely to apply for the job than a man who has only 1 of the 5 posted requirements. We hold ourselves back because that conditioned little girl from the schoolyard whispers in our ear that we better not think too much of our self or there’s going to be social consequences. And so we make ourselves a little less-than. Or maybe we already believe we’re a little less than. Either way, we end up getting less than we deserve.

This also rears its ugly head in our romantic relationships. Not only do we dim ourselves so as to not outshine our potentially fragile-egoed partners, but often we give up our own dreams, visions and aspirations to prop up the men in our lives. Heaven forbid we ‘make’ them feel threatened or intimidated by our brightness. So we put our needs on the back burner. And at what cost? Not only do pay a heavy price in terms of our own stunted potential and fulfillment, but think of the message we send our own children. When we subjugate our needs to that of our partners, aren’t we telling our daughters that their needs aren’t as important as any man in their life? And similarly, for our sons, when we put our partners’ interests ahead of our own, aren’t we teaching them that their needs are more important than any woman they may partner with? And in that way, the problem becomes self-perpetuating.

So today I call on you to make a pact. Let’s stop making ourselves smaller. Let’s challenge each other to be the fullest possible version of ourselves. Let’s put ourselves out there with no worries about being too much, with no thought of dimming our light. Let us shine brightly into the night and into our future. Let’s promise ourselves and each other to support other women in being the fullest, most expressive, expansive version of themselves; to not judge other women for their ‘too-muchness’, but instead celebrate it. Because it’s in embracing our biggest selves that we will reach our fullest heights. If we want to negotiate our lives to get what we want and deserve, we need to be seen and heard. Raise your voice. Expect to get what you want. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s from the boardroom to the bedroom, or the playground to the seniors home, let’s spread our wings and take more space. If that means we need to overcompensate for a while to get ourselves back to ground zero, so be it.

Why do so many women break out in a sweat at the idea of having to negotiate on their own behalf for something they want? What holds them back from being the incredibly effective negotiators they could be? Is it that women can’t negotiate well? No. We debunked that myth in last week’s blog.

In fact, examining the necessary skillset for top negotiators reveals that women are arguably better equipped than their male counterparts to excel in negotiations. So why the resistance?

Other than the obvious social conditioning and limiting beliefs (which we touched on in our inaugural Art of Feminine Negotiation blog),
I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that it’s our fear of rejection, of getting a ‘no’. Studies confirm that women are less likely to ask for what they want than men. Where does that come from? What happened to our childhood ability to pester the heck out of our parents to get what we want? As kids, we seemed less afraid of the word ‘no’. Less afraid of failure. As kids we got the message that if we were persistent enough, we’d get what we want. But somewhere along the line that got beaten out of us and we became afraid of rejection, of those ‘no’s’.  It turns out that perhaps our instincts as kids were better on this front.

Let’s explore the concept of failure for a moment. Thomas Edison ‘failed’ at creating the light bulb countless times before succeeding. In fact, it was only through those failures, and his persistence and willingness to fail that he achieved success. Is he known for the purported failures? No. He’s lauded as a genius. Similarly, Abraham Lincoln purportedly failed twice in business, and lost 8 out of 10 elections before becoming President of the United States. Do people remember Lincoln for those failures? No. He’s credited with abolishing slavery and
considered by many to be the most influential U.S President in history. What if the women suffragists had given up fighting for the right to vote after being told ‘no’? What if abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and the countless other brave women who fought against slavery had given up when told ‘no’?  You get the idea.

What if your fear of failure, of rejection, of hearing the word ‘no’ is the very thing standing between you and your best self? Between you and your kick-ass negotiator? Between you and getting what you deserve – from the boardroom to the bedroom? Perhaps what you need is a simple mindset shift. What if you take one of your age-old childhood adages and modify it to fit your needs today. Try on “sticks and stones may break my bones but ‘no’ can never hurt me”. Recognize that your failures are the bricks on the way to success. In fact, the only way to success is typically through failure. It’s through your failures that you learn, improve, grow and ultimately succeed. Maybe you just need to be willing to fail better.

If you accept that fear of hearing‘no’ is a factor contributing to women’s resistance to embracing negotiation,and we know that the best way to desensitize ourselves to the word is to get used to it, then how might we achieve that? How might you experience it so often that it loses its power over you? It’s said that if you do the thing you fear, the fear will go away. If that’s the case, it makes imminent sense that you take active steps to numb yourself to the word ‘no’.

No doubt exposing yourself to receiving more ‘no’s in your life requires you to get outside your comfort zone. I was reminded of the limiting effects of comfort zones on a beach recently when I became entranced watching a hermit crab by my chair. It would pop up from its hole in the sand and skitter a few inches to the side, then stop. But as soon as each wave started toward shore the hermit crab scurried back to cower in its bunker, even though the waves never once came up to its hiding spot. I watched that poor little crab for ages and it never ventured more than a foot away from its hole. I could feel its desire. But I also felt its fear outweigh that desire over and over again. It made me realize that we lull ourselves into believing that our comfort zones are safe, when in reality they are self-imposed prisons. Those comfort zones will shrink and eventually suffocate us if we don’t venture outside them and risk living.  Do you want to live your life playing safe in a little comfort zone that never stretches your boundaries, that gets smaller and smaller so you can never be the biggest, best possible version of yourself?

So what if, instead, you made a commitment today to step outside your comfort zone? Are you open to the possibility of welcoming failure as a way to take you to the next level? To condition yourself to learn to hear ‘no’? What if, instead of avoiding rejection, you committed to seek rejection? What if, in thinking about failure,rejection, and ‘no’, you opted to turn the paradigm on its head and instead of fearing it, you looked forward to it as a source of empowerment? How? The answer is so simple it’s brilliant in its simplicity. Ask. Ask. Ask. Pick practice areas in your life where you’re willing to trial asking for what you want. And here’s the key. Don’t be tied or attached to getting a ‘yes’. In fact, as proposed by Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton in their bestselling book,Go For No, instead of going for‘yes’, actively go for ‘no’. Embrace the possibility of multiple rejections and set your targets for how many ‘no’ answers you need to get the number of ‘yes’answers you want.

By way of simple example, if you want 10 new clients this week (or donations to a cause or whatever you may be seeking) and you know that you’re likely to only get 10% of those you canvas to say ‘yes’, then don’t set your sights on achieving 10 yeses, but rather, flip that thought process on its head and set your goal to get 100 ‘no’s. That way,even as you get some ‘yeses’, you don’t slow down. You keep going for the‘no’s. And when you hit the ‘no’s (as you invariably will), it won’t stop you –you won’t see it as failure because you’re going for those ‘no’s. In addition to desensitizing yourself to the ‘no’s, think how much more likely you are to hit a higher level. Better yet, you’ll lose all the angst and wasted negative energy that comes from being afraid of the rejection, afraid of the ‘no’s. Go for the no. It’s liberating. Such a simple concept and such a powerful tool to be able to get through that fear of failure to the fabulous success that’s waiting for you on the other side.

Are you willing to put yourself out there and go for that ‘no’? To push past that fear of failure? Push past that fear of getting a ‘no’, knowing that your success lies on the other side of it.Once you desensitize yourself to hearing ‘no’ and rid yourself of that fear, look out world … you’ll be ready to level up to step into your feminine power as the formidable negotiator you’re ready to be.

What if I suggested that women are instinctively and intuitively better negotiators than men? Would you balk? Reject the idea? At a minimum, I’m sure you’d ask, “So why do women still make less money than men? Why do they ask for less than men? Why do they hesitate in speaking up?” All good questions.

But today, let me share my story.

I grew up in a low rental apartment complex in a tough neighborhood. My dad worked shift work in a factory. I remember those early mornings or late nights, if I was up and able to catch him alone as he got ready to go to work. Watching those strong worker’s hands pull the laces taut on his tan work boots, or watching his man-stance as he squatted to see himself in the hall mirror, combing his hair back in that Elvis style pompadour (or whatever they were called). I loved those stolen moments. But I also remember the struggles. The fighting between my parents. There was never quite enough money to make ends meet, even though he’d come day after day from the factory, exhausted, with nothing left, but still put on a brave face for my sister and I.

My dad was a guy’s guy. He was a big man, broad shouldered, big voice, big laugh, filled every room he ever walked in. He trained inner city boys how to box. I suspect he wanted boys himself, but he got stuck with my sister and I. He never taught us to box. Well, I remember once when I asked, and he had me assume the position and proceeded to sneak inside my Swiss cheese fist frame to tap me on the cheek over and over again, showing me how easy a target I was. I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, but that’s how it felt to me. Like an indictment. I wasn’t a boy. I wasn’t enough.

My paradigm shift came in grade 2. I won an ‘academic’ award. Maybe you remember them – those little badges they handed out for exceptional achievement. A light went on. Maybe I could achieve as a girl. And I became driven to ‘succeed’, to have more – more space than that little apartment, more money, but mostly, more respect. I was going to have a different outlook for my family.

And in spite of his background, my dad raised two strong, independent, professional women. Maybe too much so. He always warned us ‘whatever you think a guy’s thinking, it’s 100X worse – if you ever heard their locker-room talk, it would curl your toes.’ Not exactly a healthy model for building trusting relationships. And yet, maybe he was right. Given Trump’s pussy-grabbing comments which were roundly excused as just ‘boy’s locker room talk’ who am I to say?

So maybe I was genetically predisposed – or at least conditioned – to do this work. But initially I was gently pushed to pursue a traditional ‘successful’ career. So I went straight through high school to university to law school, shooting for those straight ‘A’s.

And in law school I took a negotiations course. Our entire grade was based on these simulated negotiations – the class would break into assigned pairs and negotiate against each other – the highest negotiated settlement got the highest mark (no credit for creative win-win solutions – just a straight column from highest settlement to lowest settlement amount). If you didn’t get a settlement you got a zero. You can imagine how those negotiations went with a highly competitive top law school student body. At the end of the year, the professor approached me and said he’d never seen results like mine in all his years of practice and teaching the course. I won virtually every single negotiation. And you can imagine how hard that got as the school year went on and everybody was gunning for me, expecting this hard-ass negotiator that they had to bring their A-game for, coming expecting to be screwed over.

But the interesting thing was that I didn’t approach those negotiations that way at all. Back then, I was still using my natural, instinctual – dare I say – more female negotiation style. I came at every negotiation from a place of rapport building and authenticity, working to find out what the other side wanted, what they needed, working with them to find a way to have them walk away content with the results. And as the year went on and I kept winning each negotiation, suffice it to say that trust-building got harder and harder. But somehow I was always able to win them over, to build that relationship, to find a win where they walked away happy (at least until the grades were announced).

But then I started the actual practice of law – initially in an all-male-partner firm, and later in my own firm, but still in a male-dominated environment – where I got positive feedback and reinforcement for tearing people apart. I still got great results, but I’d lost my intuitive female style. They called me ‘barracuda’. I made people cry on the witness stand. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I felt disconnected. It didn’t feel good. Or right.

And then it began to spill over into other areas of my life. I found I brought my ‘tough’ negotiator to every problem. Crappy hotel room? Look out, I was down at the front desk giving them what for. Phone company over-charging? Internet not working and the provider trying to blame the router provider? Hide your children, I was not letting them pull one over on me. And forget the ‘get more with honey’ approach. I’d convinced myself that people invariably tried to take advantage if you showed any sign of weakness; that the only way to get quick fulsome results was bringing my badass to the table. The little girl whose dad didn’t teach her to box was Muhammad Ali in the ring of life.

But then one day I was having what I thought was a simple discussion with my son. I saw his frustration mounting and at some point he finally exploded.
“For God’s sake, Mom! Does every conversation with you have to be a debate that you win?”
And just like that, my world changed. I felt my heart torn from my chest as I saw the angst and hurt on this face. And my world view changed in an instant. My sense of self shattered into little pieces on the floor in front of me. And in that moment of profound connection, my perspective on effective negotiations flipped. I realized I’d been duped into negotiating ‘like a man’. And I realized that I didn’t have to. And neither do you.

Stay tuned for future blogs as we navigate how to use your intuitive, natural negotiation style. Learn how to get what you want, need and deserve (from the boardroom to the bedroom) without sacrificing your sense of self. Explore the power of your authentic self, maximizing skills you already have in spades but may have doubted. I look forward to taking this journey with you.