Author: Cindy Watson

There’s great power in preparation … especially when done with intention. In your negotiations, if you want to be more persuasive, to have greater leverage, influence and confidence with better overall outcomes, then be sure to make preparation a top priority.

This series is dedicated to helping you up-level those all-important preparation skills. In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. Part III introduced you to the 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating model. Today, we’re going to explore my A.R.E. F.I.T. model, the 3^rd in my trilogy of winning preparation models you can add to your negotiating toolkit.

A.R.E. F.I.T.

If you’ve been following this series, by now you’ve already prepared by applying the No F.E.A.R. and 5 W models. Before you enter the negotiation, the icing on the cake to make you more persuasive and influential is to go through the A.R.E. F.I.T. model.

Where did this model come from? It was the impetus for my Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. Like many women, I used to buy into the myth that to be an effective negotiator, I had to get tougher. I over-compensated, bringing masculine, competitive energy to the table. My clients called me the Barracuda. They meant it as a compliment, and I wore it like a badge of honour for many years.

But there’s a high cost that comes with bargaining from that place. It impacts on your professional relationships, then starts to leach into your personal relationships and ultimately impacts on your sense of self.

And so I dug into exploring the elements of negotiation and the key traits that make and mark the most effective negotiators. Ironically, 5 out of 6 of these skills are considered ‘feminine’ traits, or soft skills. And so the Art of Feminine Negotiation was born. [Check out my early post on this issue, Debunking the Myth on Women and the Art of Negotiation.]

I created this simple mnemonic to help you remember the key skills you’ll want to bring to the negotiating table with intention. A.R.E. F.I.T. Just think, you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator.

What are the 6 secret ingredients to launch your negotiating prowess?

A          Assertiveness

R          Rapport-building

E          Empathy

F          Flexibility

I           Intuition

T          Trust

Just consider each of these elements and how you can apply them to the negotiation at hand.

Assertiveness:

Assertive does not mean being tough for the sake of being tough. It doesn’t mean table-pounding, chest-beating, shouting, belittling, attacking or other misguided ideas about power. It means being confident and self-assured, holding the line when required. That confidence comes, in part, from knowledge, which comes from being prepared.

Assertiveness comes from confidence.

Confidence comes from knowledge.

Knowledge comes from preparation. 

 

Rapport-Building:

Rapport-building is all about making (rather than breaking) connection, building (rather than tearing down) bridges. It involves communication skills, seeking to find affinity, common understanding, common ground. Building rapport builds connection and a perceived shared frame of reference. It diffuses potential tension and opens lines of communication.

As a result, this approach leads to increased cooperation, which in turn increases creativity, which results in better negotiated results, with greater buy-in, satisfaction and longevity. The stronger the relationship, the higher the trust and the more likely mutual ground will be found.

So next time, instead of jumping straight to business, consider how you might build rapport with the other party.

Empathy:

Empathy involves the capacity to understand another’s feelings from their frame of reference, to show compassion, sympathy, concern, and consideration. Truly understanding the other party’s perspective and motivation is a powerful tool in any negotiation.

Imagine the strategic power that comes from anticipating the other party’s needs and desires, to see where your counterpart is coming from and to understand their emotions even (or especially) when you don’t agree. It allows you to better frame your positions with a tailored view to addressing or avoiding both positive and negative potential triggers, to determine where to best give or take, when to push or pull back, and how to present to increase your odds of getting what you want and need.

Put yourself in the shoes of the other party before sitting down at the table with them, and consider how it might give you a better perspective on how to connect and achieve better results for all.

Flexibility:

The ability to be flexible – able to change, pivot or bend as necessary – is important to both the process and outcome of any given negotiation.

Process flexibility is the ability to shift styles or approaches as needed to get what you want out of the negotiation. Outcome flexibility is more end-result/solution focused. i.e., the ‘what’ of the negotiations. Effective negotiators will be able to find different and creative ways to meet their interests. Negotiators who come to the table with tunnel vision re outcomes, lose out on valuable opportunities to find more creative (and better) solutions than anticipated.

Intuition:

The ability to rely on strong instinct, to pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues and to read your counterpart in negotiations is valuable. These cues include non-verbal factors like eye contact, body language, tone of voice, pace, and verbal factors like use of humour or other tactics to build connection.

In our fast-paced world, decisions often need to be made quickly. Negotiations are no exception. There may be little time for full deliberation and judgments may need to be made with incomplete information. Intuition is key in these cases. Our unconscious thought process is less restrictive than our deliberate thought processes. That’s not to say that intuition should be substituted in place of preparation but ignoring the role (and value) of intuition is a mistake.

Trust:

Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. Trust gets better long-term outcomes, relationships, and buy-in. Yet we typically don’t include intentional trust-building as an element of our preparation work for negotiations. That failure adversely impacts your ability to influence and persuade.

As part of your preparation process, consider what steps you can take to build trust with the other party.

Applying this simple A.R.E. F.I.T. model, especially in conjunction with the models outlined in Parts II & III, will make you a better negotiator. It will allow you to secure better, more creative outcomes.

Stay tuned next week for our final instalment in the Preparation series!

Preparation is power in a negotiation. It can tip the scales to give you more leverage, more influence, and more confidence, with corresponding better outcomes. It’s the most important and most overlooked element of negotiating. That’s why this series is dedicated to helping you up-level your preparation skills – so you can get more of what you want and deserve in your negotiations.

In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered the first of the magical trilogy of models to boost your negotiating effectiveness: my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. This week, allow me to introduce you to the 2^nd simple preparation model you can add to your arsenal to increase your persuasiveness: 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating.

5 W’s to Effective Negotiating

 

We’re taught to implement the 5 W’s in investigative endeavours, yet most people don’t invoke those 5 little words – who, what, where, when & why – in their negotiations. That’s a mistake. Those who consider the 5 W’s with intention set themselves apart and get better results. In fact, I consider the 5 W’s your 5 secret weapons in negotiation. That’s why I advocate adopting my 5W model as an essential element of your negotiation preparation process.

Let’s dig in!

WHO

There are several key ‘who’ questions I invite you to consider in advance of any negotiation.

Who are you? If your negotiation is professional, what’s your position, title and authority? Is there a hierarchy at play and if so, how will that impact on the negotiation?  If your negotiation is personal, are you coming into the negotiation as a mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend or neutral? Sometimes showing up in a particular mode can sabotage our ability to get best outcomes. Consider what role you want to negotiate from to maximize your effectiveness. Be deliberate in making this decision.

Who will the other party see you as? Will they see as someone to take seriously or someone to fluff off? If someone is likely to underestimate you, use that to your advantage.

Who do you want to show up as? Remember this is a choice. Will you show up with compassion, integrity, presence, vulnerability, and generosity? Or does this exchange require you to show up confident, controlled and compelling? Making this decision consciously, in your personal and professional life can profoundly improve your relationships and interactions.

Who are you negotiating with? Who is the other party likely to show up as? Do you anticipate they’ll show up with bravado or play the victim card? Prepare for all possible versions.

Who should you be negotiating with? Does the person have the requisite authority to make the deal? Who would be beneficial to have at the table? Who do you want to keep away from the table?

Who will be impacted? Consider the ripple effects of your negotiations (both short-term and long-term).

WHAT

What you negotiate about is typically at the forefront of your mind, but your sense of the ‘what’ is likely shallow and doesn’t fully serve you. I invite you to go deeper.

In addition to the usual ‘what’ suspects:

• What do I want
• What’s my priority
• What can I offer
• What should I offer
• What’s my bottom line

let yourself consider some other ‘what’ elements, like:

• what leverage can I bring to bear
• what strategy should I adopt
• what can I say or do to be more persuasive
• what unresolved personal baggage or bias do I bring to the table

Be sure to consider these vis-à-vis the other party, including what their true motivation is on any given point. Bringing that level of insight can influence negotiated outcomes.

During the negotiation, keep considering deeper-layered ‘what’ questions.

• What are they saying (their words) vs what they’re really saying (their meaning)
• What do their non-verbal cues tell me
• What messages am I sending through my tone, body language, facial expressions
• What other interpretations could be read into my words
• What seems to be landing well vs causing resistance

WHERE 

Setting is important. Setting can ground us or unsettle us, envelop us or push us away, warm or cool us. Use it with intention as another tool in your negotiating toolkit.

You may not always be able to control where your negotiations take place. But if you start actively contemplating where, as a key factor to plan, you will increase your influence.

WHEN

You’ve no doubt heard it said that timing is everything. Yet most people don’t factor timing in their negotiations. As kids we knew it intuitively and yet we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are likely higher.

Part of your preparation ought to actively consider the most strategically advantageous timing for your negotiation. This includes time of year, month, day; circumstances; your mood (and the other party’s); etc.

Another aspect of timing in negotiations is how much time you allot for the negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed, and sometimes urgency is your friend. Be cautious if the other party is pressuring you with artificial time constraints. The trick is to be intentional.

WHY

And so we come to the last of our quintessential W’s.

Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. A critical component of knowing yourself is knowing your why. Tap into your motivation. Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives you. Let it inspire and propel you to be more persuasive and influential.

For example, a negotiation that seems to be about money is almost never just about the money. It’s about what that money represents to each party.

After considering your own why, turn your attention to the other party’s. Knowing yourself and your own motivation is only half the equation. It’s critical to also consider the motivation of the other side. What drives them? What are their big whys? Think of the other party as an iceberg. What you see and what they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs.

This 5W model will be a game-changer if adopted consistently as part of your negotiation preparation process. Most people don’t apply these factors with intention. When you do, you already set yourself apart from the pack and elevate your status as a successful negotiator.

Be sure to make the time to consider the who, what, where, when & why of your next negotiation if you want to get better outcomes, better buy-in, and better relationships.

If you want to explore this model in more depth, grab a copy of my FREE ebook, 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiating

To uncover the final piece of our trilogy of powerful preparation models, stay tuned next week where we’ll explore the foundational A.R.E. F.I.T. model.

Preparation is the secret sauce that gives you maximum leverage in a negotiation. Yet, it’s often overlooked … or at least not done rigorously or effectively. Most people are so focused on what they want, they don’t spend time on how to best achieve it. That’s a mistake. Preparation gives you power in a negotiation. This series is dedicated to examining the perils of failing to properly prepare and demonstrating how to improve your preparation to get maximum results.

In Part I we explored why preparation is important and the pitfalls of ignoring the process. This week we’ll uncover the first of three simple preparation models you can use to boost your effectiveness in the art of influence and persuasion.

With my high-end Mastermind clients, I advocate adopting a trilogy of simple models as an essential part of the preparation process for all your negotiations (both personal and professional).

No F.E.A.R. Negotiating

First, start with my signature NO F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. It’s a great tool to undertake at the outset so you can strip away dangerous traps that can get in the way of your ability to show up as the best version of yourself. This simple acronym can change how you approach bargaining, so you get better results.

When you approach your negotiations without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R), you’ll have more control, ease, clarity, confidence and perspective – all of which will help you keep your eye on the outcome to increase your chances of getting what you want, or more.

Fear

First, consider what fears you may bring to the table. When you approach negotiations with fear, you undermine your effectiveness (both internally and externally) before you even get a chance to convey your message.

Some of the most popular fear factors to consider include: fear of failure, success, losing, missing out, the unknown, being judged, and fear of ‘No’. Identifying the fears that may raise their ugly heads is usually half the battle in diluting their power. Letting go of your fear or using it to fuel you will increase your clarity and confidence and with it, your persuasiveness and results.

When you’ve explored the possible fears that may hinder your effectiveness, be sure to consider the fears that may drive the other party. Considering this in advance will equip you to address those fears if they arise. This is a significant advantage and sadly often overlooked part of the preparation process.

Ego

Next, consider how ego is likely to show up for you in the negotiation. Ego can be the kiss of death in negotiations. If you let ego drive you, you lose control of the negotiation.  You’ll be easier to manipulate, less able to assess information accurately and your perspective will be skewed. You’ll be less likely to recognize opportunities that may arise or alternatives that could lead to better outcomes.

Ego can show up in a number of ways. Here’s a few of the most obvious: need to win, need to look good, inability to admit you don’t know, talking too much, wanting to be liked. Do any of these resonate with you? I know I’ve been guilty of a few in my day.

When you consider your ego tells in advance, you can get more intentional about keeping the focus on the other party and their needs. This will lead to better results. I’ve seen many a deal tank because ego stepped in and common sense exited the building.

As always, once you’ve identified how ego could detract from your effectiveness, turn your attention to how ego is likely to show up for the other party. Considering this in advance will allow you to prepare for how to best deal with it and turn it to your advantage.

Attachment

Once you have a handle on your potential fear and ego triggers, turn your attention to any attachment issues that may surface and interfere with your negotiation.  Presumably you’re going into the negotiation because you have an objective you’d like to achieve. Be careful not to become so attached to the outcome that you lose perspective.

Sometimes we get so attached to the idea of getting the deal that we continue to bargain and/or accept settlements that don’t serve us.

Be prepared to walk away from a deal if the outcome doesn’t really work for you. Trust that another deal is waiting for you around the corner. The hallmark of a great negotiator is knowing when to walk away. The beauty is that you don’t stomp away in anger or angst, but rather, because you weren’t too attached to the outcome. This is a powerful place from which to bargain.

Having said that, as per my A.R.E. F.I.T. model (to be discussed in Part IV), being flexible is a great asset in bargaining. Not being too attached to a particular outcome doesn’t necessarily mean walking away. It can also mean being open to other alternatives. Effective negotiation is about winning better where possible, getting creative and cooperating to look for better results.

Reactivity

Whether you’re a reactive personality generally, or subject to specific triggers, I invite you to be willing to do the inner work necessary to manage sensitivities that inhibit your effectiveness as a negotiator. Your success as a negotiator depends, in part, on your ability to remain centered, calm, collected and compelling. If it’s easy to push your buttons, you’ll lose control and be easy to manipulate. By contrast, if you’re able to maintain your equilibrium, you’ll be more persuasive and powerful.

Some people will try to poke and provoke in bargaining. Imagine the power shift when you’re able to remain unaffected by these tactics. When you don’t ‘blow’, you deprive the other party of the wind in their sails they need to get traction. Without your ‘steam’ to fuel them, they’ll sputter and stall.

You may also face unintended provocations, where someone inadvertently hits on one of your triggers. Think of the advantage of not reacting from a place of hurt, anger, or frustration, but instead getting curious from a place of objectivity. Then, you can make decisions from a place of certainty, with a view to achieving your desired outcome.

As always, also consider the possible triggers of the other party so you can be sure to avoid unnecessary reactivity that could tank a potentially beneficial deal.

This No F.E.A.R. model is the first leg of our foundational triad. If you incorporate this simple model as a regular part of your negotiation preparation process, you will dramatically increase your influence and persuasive abilities.

If you want to explore this model in more depth, grab a copy of my FREE ebook, No F.E.A.R. Negotiating.

To increase that power exponentially, stay tuned next week where we’ll uncover 5 Secret Weapons to more effective negotiating.

Welcome to the final instalment in our series on Survival Tips to Negotiate the Holiday Season! Holidays can be a challenging time for many. There is pressure from all sides to be ever joyful while many struggle with money worries, time stressors, and navigating difficult family dynamics. Our realities rarely measure up against the Hallmark version of life this time of year. The good news is that you can take control of your holiday experience with simple negotiation practices.

In Part I we turned our attention to your first and most important negotiation: Negotiating Your Mindset. In Part II we turned our attention to Negotiating Your Environment. In this final piece of the puzzle we’ll tackle Negotiating Family Dynamics, the #1 source of stress and Achilles heel for many.

Part III NEGOTIATING FAMILY DYNAMICS

Families are typically one of our greatest sources of negative triggers. There is so much history and unresolved baggage, we can revert to old patterns that don’t serve us. Even in advance of the encounters, we often waste valuable time and emotional energy worrying about these expected unpleasant exchanges.

Added to that, we are living in polarizing times and there is a seemingly limitless list of potentially sensitive topics to navigate. It can feel like a minefield.

Part of the solution to this issue lies in negotiating your mindset (see Part I – particularly choosing how you want to show up and how you choose to react). Part of the solution lies in negotiating your environment (see Part II – particularly managing travel and choosing who you want to spend time with). And part of the solution lies in negotiating these interactions with intention.

Recognize That You’re in a Negotiation

The first step is to recognize that you’re in a negotiation. All of life is a negotiation, whether it’s with yourself, your kids, your intimate partner or crusty Uncle Harold. We often fail to see these personal relationships as requiring negotiations. That failure will be to your detriment.

Up-Level Your Negotiation Skills

Adopt simple models to elevate your negotiation skills so you can show up as the best version of yourself and increase your chances of getting better outcomes for all.

1. No F.E.A.R. Model

One such model is my No F.E.A.R. model. In advance of a family get together or approaching an anticipated difficult conversation or exchange with family, consider your Fears, Ego, Attachment & Reactivity.

• Fears (what they are and how they may show up and interfere with best outcomes);
• Ego (how does ego show up for you and how can you avoid it to come from a place of empathy);
• Attachment (what things you’re likely to be attached to and how you might be more flexible and open to understanding the other person’s perspectives and needs);
• Reactivity (what triggers cause you to become reactive and how can you prepare to avoid or neutralize reactivity).

Do the same exercise vis-à-vis the other person (i.e. what are their likely fears, etc). We often approach family members with built-in old assumptions based on our history with them and forget to check in to consider their perspective.

Here’s a link to grab a free copy of my No F.E.A.R. Negotiating eBook if you want to take a deeper dive on this issue.

1. 5W Model

Another simple model is my 5W’s system. In advance of an interaction (i.e. negotiation) with a family member, consider Who, What, Where, When & Why with intention.

Who:

Who do you want to show up as? Who is the other person likely to show up as? Who are they expecting you to show up as? Who should be involved in the discussion and who should be excluded if possible?

What:

What outcomes do you seek (both in terms of substance and relationship)? What strategies will best serve to secure those outcomes? What questions can you ask to get better buy-in?

Where:

Decide where the discussion ought to take place. Setting is important (in novels and in life). Consider your setting with intention. What environment will best serve to get better outcomes?

When:

Consider the timing of your interaction with intention. As kids we intuitively knew to use timing to our advantage, but as adults, when the stakes are arguably much higher, we often forget this important factor.

Why:

Consider both your deeper why and the why that is likely driving the other person. Stated needs are typically the tip of the iceberg. It’s the deeper why that lies under the surface that will move the dial to better results. Knowing your deep why allows you to bring emotional resonance to a negotiation without being emotional.

Here’s a link to grab a free copy of my 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiation eBook if you’re ready to dive deeper into this powerful model.

1. A.R.E. F.I.T. Model

In every negotiation, be sure to invoke what I call the A.R.E. F.I.T. model. It’s a powerful negotiation tool generally, and especially when dealing with family.

Invoke the six key skills of effective negotiators in each negotiation:

A  Assertiveness

Assertive does not mean aggressive. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. Prepare for your negotiations with your family as you would for a high stakes business deal.

R  Rapport-building

Don’t just dive in to the ‘business’ at hand. Consider with intention how you can build rapport at the outset of the negotiation/interaction. Building connection leads to better outcomes. We often ignore this important step when dealing with family, assuming that our history makes it irrelevant. It is arguably even more important in navigating the dangerous waters of family dynamics. Ignore it at your peril.

E  Empathy

Bring empathy to the table. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Try to truly understand their position and needs. You don’t have to agree, but it’s important to understand. With family, we often assume we already know what they’re thinking and what they want. Let go of those assumptions. Listen. Reflect back what they say. Ask questions. Let them feel seen, heard and understood. It will pay off.

F  Flexibility

Be open to creative outcomes other than what you had in mind. There may be even better solutions or options than you had anticipated.

I  Intuition

Trust your intuition. If your inner voice is screaming that you ought to avoid saying what you were thinking of saying, perhaps you ought to listen.

T  Trust

Building trust is the foundation of any relationship and is key to getting better negotiated outcomes. Be intentional about ways in which you can build trust. Again, we often fail to do this with family, assuming that trust is automatically there. This is a mistake. Old unresolved family wounds often require even more attention and effort to re-establish trust.

Ask for What You Want

Don’t assume that those who care about you should magically intuit what you want. Ask for what you want. Be clear. If this is new for you, I invite you to practice the skill. Make a point of finding 5 things/day to ask for. Get into the habit. It’s not reasonable to get angry, hurt or resentful about not getting what you want if you haven’t given those around you clarity about what that is.

Likewise, don’t assume you know what others in your life want or feel. Don’t be afraid to get curious and ask powerful questions. It will allow for more productive negotiations and outcomes.

Reframe Success

We are often conditioned to see negotiations as a win/lose proposition. This belief is based on outdated, traditional, competitive models that do not serve you. Instead, I invite you to see negotiation as a collaborative process, where we’re seeking to understand and meet each other’s needs, remaining open to unexpected creative solutions beyond our individual focus. Look for genuine win/win solutions for all. You may be surprised at the gifts that surface.

Last Words

These simple tips can make a world of difference in how you experience and enjoy the holidays. Hope you found some value in them. Set your intentions and live into a more joyful, engaged holiday season.

Welcome to Part II of our series on Negotiating Your Survival of the Holiday Season!

It’s important to pay attention to how you navigate the holidays as they can be a time of great stress for many. This is particularly so given the pressure to live into a Hallmark movie version of life. We expect perpetual joy and perfection. We can feel like we’re failing when other emotions creep in and things don’t go as planned. Simple strategies can help you survive and thrive during the hectic holiday season if you negotiate your experience with intention.

Last week we tackled your first and most important negotiation starting point: Negotiating Your Mindset. We shared how to choose how you show up and choose your reactions, the power of setting intentions, and recognizing the gift of gratitude. Be sure to check it out if you missed it!

Today, we’re going to talk about ways you can negotiate your environment to improve your holiday experience.

Part II:NEGOTIATING YOUR ENVIRONMENT

Get Active

Make time to exercise, even if it’s a brief walk. It’s easy over the holidays to neglect this habit. There are lots of excuses to justify opting out … whether it’s no time, too much on the plate, vegging out to de-stress, too much company, or some other flavour of avoidance.

You’ll note I said make time to exercise. One quick mindset shift to remember during the holidays is that we don’t magically find time. It’s not buried treasure. It’s available. It’s a matter of choice. It’s incumbent on us to make time for our priorities. This is always true, and especially so during the holiday season when we tend to feel time pressures more keenly.

I invite you to set aside some time, even if it’s just 15 minutes/day to get some exercise. It will energize you and make you more productive and engaged, thereby ironically freeing up more time.

Embrace the Magical Elixir of the Great Outdoors

Get some fresh air. Ideally, you can tie your exercise above to this tip by walking outside. It can be tempting to stay indoors, whether snuggled up with a hot chocolate or tending to the myriad of chores we set for ourselves. By all means, snuggle up with a hot chocolate (heck, you can even add a shot of Baileys) and also set aside a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air. Make this a priority over some of the chores and to do’s that likely aren’t real priorities in any event.

Fresh air gives you a fresh perspective. I won’t bore you with the science but suffice it to say there are physical and emotional benefits from stepping out each day. Clear your head, fill your lungs, and increase your energy while uplifting your mood and resilience.

Food as Fuel

Watch your diet. I’m not saying go on a diet. I’m not completely delusional. I’m just saying be intentional about your diet. By all means, indulge during the holiday season. Just do so in moderation. Do so by choice. Plan (or at least manage) your indulgences.

In my experience, when you’re intentional about allowing yourself a set amount of self-gratification and excess, you’re more likely to stay on track in the big picture (versus trying to deny yourself altogether where you’re more likely to fall off the wagon longer term). This simple practice can reduce brain fog and useless self-flagellation while increasing energy, productivity, and engagement.

Sweet Dreams

Get sleep and be present. It can seem challenging with holiday parties, finalizing ‘must-do’ work assignments before the holiday break, gift-buying and get-togethers. I remember the days when we were up half the night stuffing stockings, setting up Santa gifts and wrapping the too-many last-minute gifts I’d grabbed off the shelves as I doubted whether I’d gotten ‘enough’ (whatever that is). My eyes felt like sandpaper and my cotton-batten stuffed head (at least that’s what it felt like) found it hard to be fully joyful Christmas morning as the kids invariably charged upstairs at the crack of dawn chirping “Can we start now? Can we? Can we start?”

I invite you to consider buying less stuff and instead enjoying more experiential gifts. Either way, plan so you’re not scrambling at the last minute. Make a point of getting enough sleep leading up to and through the holidays so that you can greet each day being fully present.

For those of you who do a Christmas tree, are you growing tired of the mad Christmas morning unwrapping frenzy, as hours’ worth of careful wrapping gets shredded and strewn within minutes and the ordeal is over so quickly there’s barely a moment to appreciate it? If so, here’s an option to consider. When the kids were young, we switched to a new tradition where we took all day to ‘open the tree’. We would open the stockings, then break for hot chocolate and cinnamon buns. Then we’d open a few gifts, and break for French toast breakfast. Then we’d open some more gifts until a game or movie or some other item caught our attention and we’d play or watch together. In that way, we enjoyed our time together. We enjoyed the experience. We enjoyed our gifts more. You can substitute healthier food choices than ours, but you get the idea.

Managing Travel

In this increasingly complicated world and changing family models, it can seem like we spend much of our holiday time on the road or in the air, travelling. There are often various ‘branches’ of the family that we feel compelled to visit, each in turn. Added to that are work and personal get-togethers throughout the season.

I invite you to consider, with intention, which of these visits feel like an obligation versus which fill you with joy (or at least some measure of enjoyment). Negotiate where and how you choose to spend your time. Learn the power of a positive ‘No’ so you can take back control of your precious resource … your time. Remember that every time you say yes to a commitment, you’re saying no to something else – likely one of your own priorities.

Money Madness

Manage your spending with intention. In a world where we’re inundated with marketing from all sides, and where the message is always that we need more, it’s easy to fall into the trap of empty over-spending. This causes high stress levels as we push outside our limits and carry debt that negatively impacts us through the holidays and well beyond.

Consider instead, sharing experiences with the people you love. As trite as it may seem, it serves us all to remember that the things we buy will disappear but the memories we create will last a lifetime.

Manage Your Space

Holidays can be a great time to de-clutter. An uncluttered space can help unclutter your mind and give you the space to show up with more grace. Set aside an afternoon to purge your closets and household ‘junk’. We all have some. It’s a task most dread. Yet your reality is determined by your thoughts and the meaning you attach to them. What if you chose to embrace this as a fun new holiday tradition? Grab an eggnog, crank the tunes and dig in!

I happen to love decorating the house to the nines at holiday time. It lifts my spirits. I used to love the end product but stressed about the process – it felt like too much time that I didn’t have. So, I changed my mindset. Embraced the joy in the decorating itself i.e., enjoyed the journey. If you love the end product but know it’s too big a stretch for you to embrace the process, consider delegating – enlist help or even hire a student to do it for you on the cheap. If you don’t think it’s worth the effort for you, I invite you to at least put up a simple single row of lights (over a window or cupboard). The change in ambiance from that simple step can be a powerful mood-enhancer.

Hope at least a few of these tips resonate with you and set you on the path to a more joyful holiday experience. Be sure to check out next week’s article for our final Part III of the series. We’ll be tackling how to Negotiate Family Dynamics (an Achilles heel for many). And be sure to share this series with anyone in your life who could benefit from a survival toolkit on how to negotiate the holiday season.

It’s that time of the year again! Happy holidays!
Or are they?
If I said “Tis the season …”, would you finish with “to be jolly”?

Are the holidays a time of joy for you? If you’re like most people, holidays can also be a time of stress if not managed with intention. We can experience the full range of emotional notes – joy, fear, angst, anger, trepidation, pleasure, guilt, gratitude and more – creating a symphony of something approaching chaos.

As we try to live into a Hallmark movie version of life, it can often feel like we’re missing the mark. The expectation of perpetual joyful exuberance adds an element of pressure capable of bending the mightiest oaks to near-breaking points … or so it can seem.

The good news is that you can take control of your holiday experience. The first step is recognizing that navigating the holidays is a negotiation. In fact, all of life is a negotiation. And we get to choose how we negotiate it.

Are you interested in negotiating a better holiday season this year? If so, read on. This 3-part series is designed to help you navigate this sometimes perilous journey with ease so you can maximize your enjoyment of the season (even if crabby Aunt Jane pushes your buttons)!

Part I   NEGOTIATING YOUR OWN MINDSET

Your first and most important negotiation is negotiating with yourself. Negotiating our mindset can be tricky as we typically haven’t trained ourselves to do this with intention. This is important always, and especially during the holiday season as holidays tend to bring up baggage for most of us. Some repressed, some not.

Here are just a few issues from the holiday blues hit list:

• Lost loved ones are felt more keenly during this time, bringing pain if not managed well.
• Past hurts resurface unexpectedly and can be toxic little poison darts leaking into our psyche if not addressed with intention.
• Feelings of ‘not enough-ness’ are particularly pesky as they try to niggle into our consciousness.
• Aspects of our lives that are not perfect can become magnified, whether it’s:
• no relationship,
• poor relationship,
• body image issues,
• career,
• finances,
• health,
• living arrangements
• or something in between
• Pet peeves can become exacerbated during this period of intensified emotion.
• Stress of scarcity mindset – i.e. not enough time; not enough money

It can sometimes feel as if you’re hosting simmering volcanoes of trembling nervous energy ready to blow.

You may be asking, “How can I negotiate my mindset?”

Here’s a few tips to kickstart the process …

Choose How You Want to Show Up

Decide how you want to show up during this holiday season. Recognize that how you show up is a choice you get to make. A simple and effective way to step into this powerful practice is to choose 3 words that describe how you want to show up – for yourself and in your interactions. Maybe it’s ‘present, engaged and peaceful’. Maybe it’s ‘joy, bliss and grace’. Maybe it’s ‘bold, excited and grateful’. There’s no right or wrong answer. Choose whatever resonates with you.

Print your 3 words on a sticky note and post them on the bathroom mirror (or somewhere you’ll see as you get ready for bed each night and wake up each morning). Read them aloud each morning and spend a moment to embody them. Consider how to implement them in your day. Each evening, take another moment to soak them in – let them percolate as you sleep to allow them to set in your subconscious.

You may also want to set the words to an alarm on your cell phone to go off midday (or at your typical lag time) to remind you to live into your chosen words.

If you find yourself being reactive during the day, that’s okay. You’re human. Don’t beat yourself up. Just take a moment to ground yourself. Pause. Take a deep breath. Breathe in your 3 words and find your way back.

If you want to take it a layer deeper, choose a ‘trigger’ so you can more easily and consistently implement your 3 words. For me, it’s a door jamb. Each time I enter my home, I touch the door jamb and briefly consider my 3 words, with intention, before I step over the threshold. That touchstone (or trigger) grounds me to be who I want to be with my family every day. To recognize it’s a choice. I leave the worries or stressors of work at the door. At the other end, I do the same thing. Going into the office, I touch the door jamb and consider the 3 words to represent how I want to show up in that environment. I leave the ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ behind and show up fully present in my work role.

Find a trigger that works for you. Some people choose to touch their heart or head, or squeeze their fist. Whatever works for you. The goal is simply to bring intention to choose how you show up.

Set an Intention

In addition to setting an intention about how you want to show up, I invite you to set an intention about what you want to get out of the holiday experience. You can’t hit a fuzzy target, so get clarity about what your ideal holiday season looks like. This helps stay on track to maximize enjoyment and enhance your experience. It allows you to ground yourself in the elements that most fulfill you.

When we don’t approach the holidays with intention, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind storm of commercialism and a ‘more, more, more’ mentality that can leave us feeling hollow and dissatisfied. Or we can get sucked into the abyss of comparison, always finding ourselves falling short against some imaginary unattainable standard.

By contrast, if your intention is to spend quality time with family and/or friends, you can focus on making time for those people you want to spend time with, embracing the experience rather than focusing on the ‘things’. If cooking a full turkey spread stresses you out, do pizza. If high end hostess skills leave you sweating, take a pass, do simple, and focus on being fully present instead.

Recognize the Gift of Gratitude

Adopt a gratitude practice. It’s impossible to feel anger, resentment, hurt or stress in a state of gratitude. It’s easier to get there than you’d think. You can do this anytime, but implementing a routine each morning and/or evening, where you consider 3 things you’re grateful for in that moment, is an easy way to set a positive tone for embracing the holidays.

No matter how dire circumstances may appear, there will always be things you can be grateful for in life. On your worst days, you are still likely better off than so many around the world. Start with simple things. It can be as basic as the feel of the wind against your face or the warmth of the sun through the window. Maybe it’s taking a moment to appreciate the majesty of ice-covered branches. Or perhaps a tender thought for someone in your life.

It only takes a few moments to allow yourself the gift of gratitude. Making it part of your daily routine (always and especially during the holidays) will enhance the quality of your life.

Choose Your Reactions

You can’t control everything that happens around you during the sometimes-frenzied holiday season, but you can control how you react to it. Here’s a favourite quote of mine on this idea:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. 
In that space is our power to choose our response. 
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Choose your reactions with intention. This may take some practice if your lifelong conditioning is to give in to knee-jerk reactivity, but it’s well worth mastering this powerful practice.

For example, you can choose grace, forgiveness and joy over anger, resentment and hurt. This is true even (and especially) in family dynamics where old habits can cause easy patterned triggers of reactivity. Instead choose an emotional reaction that best serves you. Create the space to choose your reaction. Remind yourself that it’s ultimately a choice.

Hope these tips help you to better negotiate your mindset so you can seize control of your holiday experience. If you want a deeper dive on how to negotiate your mindset in life, feel free to grab a copy of my free ebook Negotiating Your Mindset.

Be sure to check out next week’s article for Part II of the series. We’ll be tackling how to Negotiate Your Environment. And share this series with anyone in your life who could benefit from a survival toolkit on how to negotiate the holiday season.

We all make mistakes. This is true in life generally and in negotiations. The key is to raise your awareness and get more intentional about how you negotiate. When you make a mistake, recognize it and learn from it. It’s usually easy to realize when you slip up and say something inappropriate or give away information that compromises your position. It’s trickier to spot our unconscious saboteurs.

How do you recognize the myriad of invisible mistakes you make in your negotiations? Let’s explore some of the most common overlooked negotiation mistakes and how you can avoid them. I did an article for Psychology Today on the 7 Deadly Sins of Negotiation. These are not envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth or wrath (from the Christian tradition) … although it’s solid advice to avoid those as well.

In this piece, I want to focus on the mistakes we make that are less obvious … that lurk below the surface of our awareness. By talking about them, we lift them up to our consciousness so we can get intentional about avoiding them.

Needing to Win

Our conditioning around negotiation is usually based on an outdated competitive model. When you think of negotiations, the first image that likely comes to mind is a boardroom full of power suits. We think we need to ‘win’ the negotiation.

Focusing on ‘winning’ misses the point. Effective negotiation should be about securing your desired outcomes (or better), not on beating the other party. Focusing on getting the better of the other party precludes the open mind necessary to recognize creative solutions that may arise. It also often results in recourse to tactics that are counterproductive. Taking a collaborative approach over a competitive one typically secures better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, and longer lasting agreements.

Bringing Bias to the Table

We all carry biases – some conscious, some not. Recognizing how these biases raise their ugly heads to sabotage your negotiations is an important step to getting best outcomes. Here’s just a brief sampling of the most common biases that poison our perspective in negotiation. See which resonate with you and be on guard against them when you prepare for your upcoming negotiations.

• Self-serving bias skews our perception as we see our position in an overly favourable light. Egocentrism bias prevents us from really appreciating the other party’s position as our focus is too narrowly on our own goals.
• Inattentional bias causes us to see, hear and experience only what we’re focused on and so we miss valuable information, insights, and cues.
• Endowment bias leaves us over-valuing what we bring to the table and under-estimating the value the other party brings.
• Confirmation bias has us search for and interpret information in a way to confirm our pre-existing beliefs.
• Affinity bias relates to our predisposition to favour people that remind us of ourselves.

We’re usually unaware that these common biases are affecting how we show up, how we perceive the issue on the table and negatively impact on our ability to get better outcomes.

Lack of Integrity

“Integrity” is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but usually isn’t considered with depth. The more familiar aspect of integrity is connected to how you act (i.e. whether morally or not). If you’re inclined to take ethical shortcuts, it will invariably come back to bite you in negotiations.

The less considered, but equally important aspect of integrity is based on the Latin word ‘integer’. When we are not consistent with our own values and sense of self, we are not ‘whole’ and therefore aren’t in integrity.

Both of these aspects of integrity are key to how you show up for negotiating and to the results you’re likely to achieve. When out of integrity, you can’t show up as an effective negotiator. Negotiations don’t work if integrity is lacking.

Ego in the House

Ego can be the kiss of death in negotiations. When you’re driven by ego, you lose control of the negotiations. You’ll be easier to manipulate, less able to assess information accurately or recognize opportunities that might show up.

Ego shows up in a number of ways. If you need to look good, need to win, can’t admit when you don’t know something, or talk too much, ego is in the house. Wanting to be liked is another (often ignored) sign of ego.

If you find yourself making the negotiation all about you and your needs, pause, take a breath and refocus your energy on the other party and what they need.

Reactivity and Emotion

Your success as a negotiator depends, in part, on your ability to remain centered, calm, collected and compelling. If you allow yourself to be triggered into reactivity, you’ll lose the clarity and focus you need to secure best outcomes.

Bringing your deep, emotional ‘why’ to a negotiation is not the same as being emotional in a negotiation. Knowing your why can help keep you grounded and bring emotional strength and resilience. This is not the same as letting yourself give in to anger, shame, guilt, resentment, or the range of other self-protection negative emotions that can sabotage your negotiations.

Attachment (a.k.a. I Can’t Let Go)

Typically, you go into a negotiation because you have an objective you’d like to achieve. However, it’s important not to become so attached to the outcome that you lose perspective in the process. Being too attached to a singular outcome will have you bargaining past the point where it makes sense or walking away when a deal was lying on the table if you’d only been open to look at other possibilities. The hallmark of a great negotiator is knowing when to walk away and/or being open to other alternatives. As noted above, effective negotiation isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about winning better for everyone whenever possible.

The most dangerous mistakes we can make are usually those we’re not aware of. This article was intended to raise your awareness about the most common invisible negotiation mistakes so that you can avoid them.

If you want to be a better negotiator, you need to build your skills at building rapport. Even if you’re not someone who easily connects with others, no worries. It’s a learned skill. This two-part series seeks to help you uncover the secret sauce to establishing that all-important connection in your negotiations.

Last week we dug into the foundational elements for setting the stage to build rapport. This week, let’s dig a little deeper into strategies you can use to better build rapport so you can start getting better communication, outcomes and relationship in all your negotiations – both personally and professionally.

In Part I we covered:

I           Be Yourself

II          Make a Good First Impression

III         Find Common Ground

IV         Get Curious

V          Give a Compliment

VI         Use the Person’s Name

Today, we’ll pick up where we left off with some more tips and tools to help you on the path to improving your ability to become a master-connector:

VII       Be Candid

If you want to build rapport and trust, always be the person who tells the truth. Admit when you don’t know the answer to something. Likewise, admit if you’ve made a mistake. We mistakenly assume this undermines our credibility when, in fact, the opposite is true. It humanizes us and makes us more relatable and trustworthy. Being honest builds rapport and a reputation for integrity.

VIII      Create Shared Experiences

If possible, try to spend time together (preferably in person) and create shared experiences. This can turbo-charge the connection process.

IX        Mirror & Match

Be intentional about your body language and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact. Lean in slightly. Nod periodically. Where appropriate, try to mirror and match the other person. Be careful though, about the popular advice today to mimic the other party i.e. to cross your legs or arms etc. if they do. Unless you’re skilled at mirroring this can be obvious and jarring and actually break rapport and trust.

Rather, note their speech patterns – tone, tempo and volume – and try to match it. I tend to speak with passion, excitement, speed and volume. When speaking with someone who is more reserved this can be off-putting and challenge rapport-building. I get intentional about slowing down my speech, toning down my volume and matching the other person’s style in those cases. I also pay attention to their language choices to use terminology and idiom that is familiar to them and will be more likely to resonate.

X          Practice Elevated Active Listening

This is such an important element of effective negotiating that I’ve dedicated a full article to the issue.

Be sure to listen intently to the other party when they speak. This does not mean waiting for your turn, but rather, genuinely listening with a view to fully understand their position. When you reflect back what they’ve said (partly to ensure you’ve understood correctly and partly to let them know they’ve been heard) try to reflect back their position in the most generous terms possible i.e. present their position even more eloquently than they did. This may seem counter-intuitive but in my experience, it triggers reciprocity and is a powerful way to build rapport.

XI        Bring Empathy to the Table

 

Active listening is important and effective as it’s a form of empathy. Bringing empathy to the table in negotiations is key to building effective rapport. Empathy does not mean you necessarily have to agree with the other party, but it does mean you need to seek to truly understand. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider what fears may be driving them. What’s their deep why? What obstacles do they foresee? What biases might they bring to the table.

When we approach negotiations with empathy, we build bridges and trigger reciprocity. In so doing, we build rapport and set the stage for opportunities for better problem solving and outcomes.

 

XII       Gradually Increase Intimacy

While you don’t want to prematurely over-share and dump inappropriate private information, it can be powerful to gradually increase intimacy through strategic sharing of personal info. The New York Times did a poll that found people trusted 70% of those people they knew versus only 30% of those they didn’t know. The more you can create a personal connection, where they feel they know you, and get comfortable sharing with you, the more likely you are to build the bond and rapport necessary for superior negotiated outcomes.

XIII      Inject Humor 

Humor is a great antidote and connection-builder. In addition to smiling, use humor where possible. Laughter releases endorphins (our feel-good chemicals in the body) and relaxes us. This sets the mood and opens the way for better bonding.

If you lose rapport at any point in a negotiation, don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Be humble. Address why you lost rapport. Take ownership where appropriate. Apologize if necessary. Get curious and determine together how you can get back on track.

Hopefully these tips and tools have better equipped you to build rapport in your negotiations. Practice them. Get comfortable with these approaches so they become natural and you can slip into rapport-building mode authentically. Building better relationships will get you better negotiated outcomes. As all of life is a negotiation, this skill cannot be overstated.

Are you one of those people who can instantly connect with others? Are you able to build a sense of trust and connection with ease? If so, you’re positioned to be a highly effective negotiator. If not, don’t fret. Contrary to popular belief, rapport-building is not an elusive gift you’re either born with or destined to do without forever. Stay tuned to uncover tips and tools to help you better build rapport so you can negotiate your best life.

All of life is a negotiation. Rapport-building is one of the foundational elements of effective negotiating. It’s one of 6 key skill sets that make and mark the most effective negotiators. And yet, until recently, it has received little attention in negotiation circles. In fact, our conditioned understanding of negotiation frames it as a competition. This win/lose mentality causes us to focus on elements that are actually counter-productive to getting better outcomes, buy-in, and relationships.

Let’s dig in to up-level our understanding of how to build rapport so we can get better negotiated results. In this two-part series, we’ll uncover some of the top strategies to better build the rapport necessary for best negotiated outcomes. In this Part I, we’ll unpack some of the foundational elements for setting the stage to build rapport. In Part II, we’ll dig into some specific strategies as the negotiation progresses.

Rapport is an emotional connection with others. Building rapport is the process of establishing that connection. This can be instant in some cases or may take time to develop. It can also grow naturally or you can intentionally build it. Ideally you want to both build rapport and to stimulate it.

Here are some top tips and tools to help you on the path to improving your ability to build rapport:

I           Be Yourself

Oscar Wilde is oft-quoted for his quip, “Be yourself – everyone else is taken.”

Sage advice that still holds … in life generally and in rapport-building for negotiations in particular. Being real and authentic will always be more effective than trying to adopt a persona that isn’t natural for you. The other party will feel the lack of authenticity and it will create a discord that repels rapport and trust.

There are many resources available now on ‘how to’ negotiate more effectively and much written about tactics to build rapport. Studying these will certainly help elevate your skillset and improve your negotiation skills and outcomes. Having said that, don’t fall into the trap of getting stuck in your head, over-thinking the ‘how’ and in the process losing your natural authentic charisma. Practice the skills to build rapport (including those set out in this series), but always err on the side of being yourself as you work towards the new skills becoming natural.

II          Make a Good First Impression

First impressions matter. Most people have a visceral reaction to others within seconds of meeting. Make sure the reaction you induce is positive to the extent possible. Take note of your state before you start the negotiation. Release any negativity you may be harboring. Tap into a memory or thought that puts you in a positive frame. Once you get in the desire state, it will be easier to show up with a genuine smile, with warmth in your eyes, and an inviting posture and demeanor. This will help set the stage for rapport-building right out of the gate.

Note that you need to be aware of cultural sensitivities, both in making a first impression and throughout the negotiation. Ensure that you are culturally appropriate so as not to offend and break rapport.

III        Find Common Ground

We often hear the advice to start with small-talk. While it’s true that you want to avoid jumping straight to business (which definitely does not build rapport), I’m not talking about leading with banal conversation about the weather. Try to find a common interest or connection. Maybe a shared hobby, favourite sport or team, college, travel experience, etc. Most people like talking about themselves. Show genuine interest to inspire them to open up. In so doing you will build connection and rapport.

Ideally, you want to find your shared humanity. Try to discover what brings them joy and what they’re passionate about. Tapping into that will increase your ability to build rapport.

IV        Get Curious

Tied to finding common ground, it’s useful to stay curious. We all seek to be seen, heard and understood. The more you ask open questions and stay genuinely engaged, the higher the connection you’ll build (not to mention the valuable information you can elicit to better understand the real needs of the other party to come up with creative higher value solutions).

It goes without saying that to do this effectively, you’ll need to release judgement and let go of stereotypes and preconceived ideas (about the person and their position).

V         Give a Compliment

A genuine compliment can go a long way. Find something you can truly acknowledge that you appreciate about the other person and share that.

VI        Use the Person’s Name

Try to remember and use people’s names. Call them by name early in the conversation. Again, people like to be seen. Calling them by name creates an immediate connection and familiarity.

Having said that don’t repeat their name so often that it stands out and jars. My husband, a small-town boy, uses people’s names repeatedly in his conversations. While it’s genuine and authentic for him, overuse of someone’s name is risky as it comes across as insincere and can actually undermine rapport rather than build it.

I hope this has given you some food for thought on how you might better build rapport in your negotiations. Be sure to join us next week for more juicy insights. In Part II we’ll go deeper and tackle a host of strategies for making connection to get better results.