Author: Cindy Watson

They say ‘opposites attract’. While that may be true, it doesn’t always result in a positive experience for all involved. Let’s take introverts and extroverts as an example. I suspect that most introverts would prefer to negotiate with someone similarly inclined, thus creating an even playing field and a more satisfying experience. But increasingly, in our extrovert-driven society, introverts are required to negotiate with extroverts.

I confess this is something I gave very little, if any, thought to for most of my life. As an extrovert, I blithely careened through life with little appreciation for the effect my extrovertism may be having on friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances who were not similarly inclined. Having a daughter who most definitely falls in the introvert category changed that. It opened my eyes and my perspective. It’s one of the reasons I am now such a fierce advocate and proponent of the importance of active listening in negotiations.

I read up on the subject, including Susan Cain’s ground-breaking book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I came to recognize that as the world rewards extroverts and encourages a bombastic attack on life, we have come to talk over, minimize and discount the voices of introverts. This is a mistake. We miss out on valuable input, insights, perceptions, and counterbalances. We lose the benefit of the creativity that comes from recognizing and respecting different approaches.

INTROVERT VS EXTROVERT

People often assume that the difference between introverts and extroverts is that the former are shy and the latter are outgoing. That oversimplifies the issue. Introverts tend to be more introspective, often preferring to work alone, and typically thinking through ideas before speaking. Extroverts tend to prefer to work in groups, formulating their ideas and views as they speak.

BENEFITS OF INTROVERSION IN NEGOTIATION

Our traditional definition of success in negotiation was based on a misapprehension that toughness carries the day and that the person talking the loudest and longest wins. Both are myths. In fact, introverts increased tendency to listen intently; ask deep questions; seek to understand the other person’s position and needs; prepare thoroughly; and avoid speaking without considered thought are all significant assets and key skills required in negotiation.

In fact, it is this ability to approach a negotiation, as a conversation wherein you seek to get deeper understanding of the underlying and unstated needs, that allows for new perspectives and opens paths for more creative unanticipated outcomes that serve the higher good for all involved.

Perhaps it’s time we dispelled the myth that introverts are at a disadvantage in negotiation and started to view the traits of introverts as a strength rather than a liability.

NEGOTIATING TIPS FOR INTROVERTS:

I              MENTALLY PREPARE

Introverts need to get into the right mindset to negotiate. Understand that while this may be difficult, it is possible. Recognize any limiting beliefs about your aspiration levels and expectations in advance of the negotiation and flip those beliefs that don’t serve you (i.e. any beliefs or expectations that the process will be challenging and/or that your chances of success are in any way limited).

Going into a negotiation with confidence about your ability to achieve your desired outcomes increases your effectiveness and ability to do so. Studies show that our expectations affect both our motivation levels and our outcomes.

II             UNDERSTAND YOUR VOICE IS VALID

Introverts’ voices are valid. When an introvert negotiates with an extrovert, they have to own that fundamental truth at their core. Own that voice. Recognize its undeniable value. Just because introverts don’t talk ‘a million miles a minute’ (as my daughter no doubt perceives me), or their voice might not ‘boom’, or they don’t talk over others in the room to make their point, does not mean that their point isn’t important.

In fact, I invite you to consider that because introverts tend to give fulsome thought to their ideas before giving them voice arguably makes their point of view even more valuable to consider in the moment. Introverts’ opinions matter. Yet, if, in a negotiation, they don’t own their voice, the value of their contributions is lost altogether. This is a significant loss.

III           LEARN AND TRUST YOUR NEGOTIATION STYLE

There are various negotiation styles. The Harvard Business Review has an assessment to figure out an individual’s true negotiation style. While I recommend everyone take this test, it is especially relevant for when an introvert negotiates with an extrovert. If an introvert doesn’t understand or trust their true negotiation style, they are more likely to be overpowered and talked over and the negotiation will be taken over by the extrovert. Knowing and trusting your natural negotiation style is a foundational building block to allowing you to step into your most powerful negotiator.

IV           STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF

An introvert may think when they negotiate with an extrovert that they have to match the extrovert’s level of energy. That is not true. And it often leads to ceding power to the extrovert because s/he is in their element while the introvert is stuck trying to fit into their perception of how to negotiate as an extrovert, which often ends badly for the introvert. Thus once an introvert finds their true negotiation style they should negotiate from within their power realm, recognizing it as their strength.

V             USE YOUR INTROVERTISM AS AN ADVANTAGE

Let’s be honest, we have all seen extroverts talk themselves into messy situations. As an introvert, use that to your advantage. Let the extrovert talk their way into a corner. Then, using your natural negotiation style, point out what just happened. Don’t gloat, but rather, come from a place of compassion, rapport-building and empathy and use the moment to build a bridge for more open, respectful dialogue. Reflect back what you understand the position of the other person to be, ask deep questions, uncover and understand the needs (both stated and unstated) and use it to come to a better outcome for all.

Hopefully you got some helpful tips and insights from this blog post – whether you’re an introvert, extrovert or ambivert. If you have, be sure to comment on this post letting me know your thoughts. If you’d like to explore working with me to up-level your negotiation skills, feel free to book a Breakthrough Session

When you walk through the toy section at your local Target, what colors do you see? Typically, half the store is pink, filled with princesses and dolls, and the other half is blue, black, or red, packed with trucks and sports gear.

While a gendered toy section may not seem like a big deal at first glance, our early introductions to biased concepts of gender have far-reaching effects and consequences. Many gender stereotypes are ingrained into people’s subconscious during childhood, and they show up everywhere, from the playground to the workplace.

Throughout history, gender biases and stereotypes have put women at a disadvantage, limiting their career potential and excluding them from male-dominated sectors—which, historically, have been nearly all of them.

But what if I told you that you can make gender stereotypes work for you rather than against you? What if I told you that when you learn to recognize gender bias, you can use it to help negotiate for what you need and desire most?

Identifying Early Concepts of Gender

When you were a young girl, were you encouraged to quietly create crafts or play turn-taking games like hop-scotch? Alternately, were your brothers or the local neighborhood boys encouraged to play competitive sports like football or basketball?

Harmless as it may appear, that early coaxing is integral to shaping children’s skills and interests. In its simplest form, it conditions girls to be collaborative and nurturing while conditioning boys to be assertive and combative.

Here’s the truth: these gender stereotypes are not necessarily rooted in science. Not all boys are naturally more competitive, and not all girls are naturally more nurturing. Rather, society encourages children to develop separate skills from an early age. Research shows that kids between the ages of 3 and 7 have already formed distinct concepts of gender!

You can see the early effects of gender biases and expectations when asking a kid what they want to be when they grow up. Typically, girls cite women-dominated careers like teachers and nurses, while boys choose stereotypically masculine jobs like firefighters or pilots.

These early concepts of gender remain throughout adolescence and adulthood, confining people to societal expectations and threatening to limit their true potential as human beings.

Recognizing Gender Bias in the Workplace

The gendered assumptions enforced during childhood linger through adulthood and into people’s careers. The Fawcett Society, the UK’s leading advocate for gender equality and women’s rights, found that 51% of people feel that gender stereotyping in childhood constrained their career choices later in life.

The competitive traits that boys develop at a young age lead them to adopt steadfast attitudes as men. In the workplace, men come across as rational and logical, emphasizing objective fact over subjective opinion. Gender norms permit men to be more dominant and authoritative in their approach, feeding the stereotype that men are more direct and effective.

Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to value collaboration. They’re more inclined to form alliances and prioritize strong relationships. When they find themselves in situations (especially in the workplace) that aren’t conducive to collaboration, they may become passive, submissive, and tense. This tendency leads to deferential behavior and tentative speech patterns, like using the doubtful phrases “I think” and “I’m not really sure” to sound less forceful and more participatory.

Do you see yourself succumbing to these gender stereotypes and constraints in your own personal and professional life? It’s hard to undo society’s conditioning, but recognizing gender biases for what they are can help you overcome their limitations and use them to your advantage.

Using Gender Bias to Your Advantage in Negotiation

There’s a temptation to reject gender stereotypes entirely—and I can certainly understand that inclination! We’re gradually moving further away from a traditionally gendered society, but we’re still not quite there yet. As long as gender bias still exists, I suggest finding ways to make these stereotypes work to your advantage:

Flip the gender stereotype. We’ve all heard the phrase “act like a lady,” often used derisively to imply that women should passively smile and nod to avoid conflict. People generally expect their female adversaries to behave less competitively and more cooperatively, so use this knowledge as your secret weapon and allow them to underestimate you! While aggression comes across as threatening and offensive (both counterproductive in negotiation), an assertive approach will help you embrace your power. Take control and demonstrate a firm but fair demeanor. You’ll take the advantage when you show them you’re in control. This control comes from being prepared for your negotiations.

Come prepared. Did you know that women are less likely to be considered the authority on a given subject? Put this sexist stereotype to rest and show your counterpart that you know exactly what you’re talking about! Thorough preparation can guard you against being taken advantage of in negotiation, enabling you to test your counterpart’s claims with ample research.

In addition to preparing for the subject matter(s) at issue, also be sure to include consideration of the 5 W’s as part of your preparation process. The 5 W’s are an integral part of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system and will give you a profound advantage when applied with intention. Grab your free copy of my 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiating book here.

Combine gender stereotypes. In her ground-breaking book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg suggests that women are most successful in the workplace when they combine their stereotypically feminine attributes, like smiles and friendly gestures, with so-called masculine characteristics of assertiveness and independence. Harness the power of your femininity from a position of strength!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting you ‘act like a man’. Rather, embrace your feminine traits as your greatest strength. Bring rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trust-building skills to the table. Own them. Use them with intention. Studies show that bringing these traits to your negotiations will get you better, more creative outcomes, build better relationships, get better buy-in and longer-lasting agreements with more positive impact.

See yourself as your own advocate: Women tend to negotiate more assertively for someone else because they feel more comfortable pushing for the good of others. If you had a child or a loved one in need, you would fight to get them what they deserve. I implore you to negotiate for yourself as passionately as you would advocate for someone else! Afford yourself the same courtesy and recognize your inherent value.

I hope you come away from this blog post feeling empowered to use gender biases to your full advantage in all your negotiations. If you’d like to learn more about my proven approach to effective negotiation, let’s talk today!

Have you ever told a story that means something to you, only to realize the person you were speaking to was looking at their phone the whole time, not paying attention to a word you said? You probably felt like they didn’t value you or care about what was important to you. You’re not alone. It can be infuriating!

Distracted behavior in an everyday conversation is frustrating and disappointing, but during an important negotiation the consequences can be dire. This holds true for your personal and professional negotiations, whether you’re bargaining over what movie to watch with the kids or negotiating multi-million dollar business deals.

Listening intently is especially vital in professional settings where success directly depends on the ability to communicate effectively. This skill is at the heart of HERsuasion™: the Art of Feminine Negotiation.  When we practice active listening, we tune out all of the distractions surrounding us, allowing us to focus on ensuring the other person feels truly heard and understood. Ultimately, this critical skill gives you the edge in any negotiation.

What Is Passive vs. Active Listening

Listening demands silence: you literally have to stop talking in order to observe the other person in the conversation. While receiving information itself requires temporarily taking on a passive role, the active part of listening refers to how you respond to that information.

Passive listening involves paying attention to the words the speaker uses (and doesn’t use), remaining open to new ideas and perspectives, reserving judgment, and devoting your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting what someone is saying back to them to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening.

Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it, be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently or persuasively than they did themselves. While this may see counter-intuitive, it can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes.

Strong active listeners form a thorough understanding of what other people are saying and in turn make them feel seen, heard, and understood.

How to Become a Better Listener

Becoming a better listener begins with paying attention to the person who’s talking to you. The trick here is to focus on nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and momentum of speech. These nonverbal cues hint at the speaker’s attitude, positioning us to empathize and meet them at their level. Picking up on whether someone is frustrated, resistant, or cheerful allows us to adapt as listeners and negotiators.

Believe it or not, noticing nonverbal cues is a lot less complicated than it sounds. You know more than you think you do! Research suggests that even babies too young to master language have a basic understanding of nonverbal communication.

Beyond focusing on the speaker, be intentional with your own behaviors to show you’re engaged in the conversation even if you’re not speaking:

Show interest. The speaker wants to know you’re engaged, so use body language that demonstrates attentiveness, like leaning in, smiling, and nodding. Face the person you’re talking to directly, rather than turning away from them. Consider your arms: are they crossed or relaxed? Rely on your own body language to communicate interest but be cautious: fidgeting can be perceived as impatience, disinterest, or even disrespect, so try to keep your body fairly still.

Make appropriate eye contact. Eye contact suggests that you’re focused. Try to make consistent eye contact without lingering or staring, as that can be awkward or intimidating. Importantly, note the speaker’s eye contact. If they avoid looking you directly in the eye, they may be sensitive or uncomfortable. Shifting their gaze might better allow them to process information. The more you can observe and adapt, the better the conversation will go.

Avoid interruptions and distractions. Interruptions like clicking your pen or checking your phone immediately disrupt the flow of conversation. Remove all possible physical disruptions. Additionally, avoid imposing your views or suggestions when the speaker is still taking their turn. Interjecting your own words can throw someone off balance and distract them from completing a thought.

Be comfortable with silence. Always pause to allow the speaker (and yourself!) to collect their thoughts. Conversations and negotiations should not be verbal sparring matches: you don’t always have to jump in, reply, or comment. Providing a moment of grace can even work to your advantage. Let the other person divulge their solutions, ideas, thoughts, and concerns before you give up yours.

Accommodate different learning styles. Everyone absorbs information differently. Acknowledge auditory, visual, verbal, or kinesthetic learners by attending to their specific learning style and meeting them on their level. Some people are quick to absorb new concepts, while others may take more time to process information. Be respectful of their needs. Likewise, avoid the urge to conclude people’s thoughts and ideas for them. Trying to help somebody along might actually stifle their self-expression.

Enforce the 80/20 rule. Listen, listen, listen! As a rule of thumb, 80% of your conversation should involve you listening to the other person compared to just 20% talking. Devote the majority of your conversation to listening, observing those critical nonverbal cues, and confirming your understanding of the speaker’s point of view.

Once you’ve listened and absorbed the speaker’s ideas, look for opportunities to build onto what they’ve said before sharing your own perspective and ideas. The speaker will feel respected and heard—and that will reflect positively on your patience and empathy.

The Value of Listening in Negotiation

The most valuable tool in negotiation is the ability to truly understand the other person’s needs and desires. To get what you want, you must know what drives you (what I call your “why”) and balance that against the other person’s desires (their “why”).

An expert negotiator listens intently to the other person’s “why” and capitalizes on its intersection with their own “why.”

Traditional workplace environments celebrate a confrontational negotiation style that’s inherently combative. People make the mistake of assuming they know the other person’s intentions and then communicate without really ever listening. Neither party feels heard, minimizing the chances of reaching a solution even when one is readily available.

In my free No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook, I outline steps to approaching negotiation without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R). One of the classic ways Ego presents itself is talking too much instead of listening. Rambling on is troubling for a number of reasons, as it can suggest uncertainty or even monopolization of a topic. If you’re talking too much, you aren’t listening, and you certainly aren’t negotiating on the winning side.

A Salesforce survey shows that business leaders attract more support when they empower their employees by listening and making them feel heard. There are enormous benefits to demonstrating that you can listen. We all want to know that our position is being thoughtfully considered and respected!

The better you understand what someone else wants, the more skillfully you can negotiate. Practicing active listening ensures that you always know where the other party stands. Want to learn more? Download my No F.E.A.R Negotiation eBook or reach out directly for a consultation!

Envision a scenario in which two equally capable women enter a boardroom to compete for a potential new client.

Woman 1 is bold and assertive, taking control of the situation to make sure that she pitches first. She neatly outlines a carefully developed plan and emphasizes that she can work independently.

Woman 2 waits patiently for Woman 1 to finish, listening intently and observing the potential client’s reactions. When it’s her turn, she begins by first asking the client for their ideas, hopes, and concerns for his business. She absorbs this information and offers a flexible, collaborative approach to solving the client’s problems and building a trusting, professional relationship.

Did you notice the difference between these two approaches? Which woman do you think made a better impression?

Woman 1 chose a traditionally masculine approach, using her dominant energy to take charge of the pitch and drive her proposal forward. Woman 2 used an entirely different technique, leaning into her feminine energy to listen and collaborate with the client throughout the proposal process.

As a negotiation expert and coach for ambitious women, I’m often challenged to explain the concept of a masculine versus feminine negotiating style. I want to convey first and foremost that the way I see it, the terms masculine and feminine have very little to do with gender itself. Rather, we all have masculine and feminine energy that we can tap into depending on our mindset—we simply have to learn when and how to access that energy to our full advantage.

(Truthfully, I believe these gendered terms will soon become anachronisms. Society is gradually starting to distance itself from gender norms taking a much more inclusive, gender-neutral view of the world. But that’s a topic for a different day. For now, “masculine” and “feminine” are the terms we have, so we must use them accordingly.)

Using Masculine and Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Society has always framed negotiation in favor of masculinity, perpetuating the assumption that traits like aggressiveness and competition are inevitable harbingers of success. If you think about it, women were excluded from many professional settings until fairly recently, leaving men to establish these environments in accordance with their traditionally “male” characteristics.

Unfortunately, these masculine characteristics still dominate the workplace, conditioning men and women to eschew feminine negotiating traits like rapport building, empathy, and flexibility for the sake of conforming to society’s male-centric business culture. While the push toward gender equality in the workplace has made incredible strides in the past several decades, feminine energy remains significantly devalued in comparison to masculine energy.

And yet, regardless of what we’ve all learned to accept as the norm, the fact is that feminine traits are immensely valuable—especially in the workplace.

The Power of Feminine Energy in the Workplace

Feminine qualities are key to successful negotiations. But don’t just take my word for it. Let the research speak for itself.

In The Athena Doctrine: How Women (and the Men who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio expertly detail an important, wide-ranging study asking a diverse set of people to qualify values and leadership traits as masculine, feminine, or neutral. Their findings unequivocally reveal that traditionally feminine traits are considered more advantageous in business settings than the “macho paradigm” (their words!) typically associated with negotiating.

The study showed that instead of masculine assertiveness and competition, people actually value cooperation, long-term thinking, and flexibility in negotiation—traditionally feminine traits that were previously perceived as weaknesses in the business world.

Looking back at our example of the two women competing for a potential new client, it’s clear that Woman 2 was onto something when she opted for a more traditionally feminine approach!

How does it feel to learn that the feminine energy you’ve been conditioned to suppress in professional settings is ostensibly more valuable than the masculine energy you’ve struggled to emanate and express? Liberating, isn’t it? This realization was certainly a game-changer for me personally and professionally, and it inspired me to launch Women on Purpose.

Now, it’s my mission to encourage women and men alike to shift their thinking from the masculine, competitive, tough mindset to a softer, feminine mentality of building bridges, collaboration, and trust.

Using Feminine Qualities to Your Advantage in Negotiation

We all have masculine and feminine qualities—and both can be valuable when negotiating for what we want. So let go of those sexist stereotypes trying to convince you that femininity is synonymous with weakness, and start recognizing your feminine traits for what they really are: your greatest strengths.

Reclaiming your feminine energy in the workplace will help you:

Get better results. People are inclined to negotiate with someone who is cooperative. When you show that you’re flexible and open to new ideas, you form stronger professional relationships and build trust quickly.

Find more creative solutions. We harness our feminine energy when we forge alliances and emphasize teamwork. Collaboration opens us to ideas we may not have generated on our own, ultimately yielding the best outcomes.

Make the world a better place. When we stifle our feminine energy, we pigeonhole ourselves and limit our potential—and that applies outside the workplace, too! Flexibility, cooperation, and empathy are immensely valuable in bringing people together as a force for good.

Are you ready to reclaim the true power of your feminine qualities in the workplace and beyond? Let’s connect to discuss more strategies for using feminine energy to your advantage!

Have you been conditioned to believe that concessions—trade-offs that involve conceding or compromising during a negotiation—are signs of weakness? It’s time to dispel this myth once and for all.

Effective negotiation is a dynamic process of give and take. While it’s true that concession is the act of yielding, skilled negotiators strategically plan for this inevitability.

As with most aspects of negotiation, your intention is the key to success. When you’re proactive and plan in advance, you’ll avoid being caught off guard and yielding the wrong things.

First Things First: Know Your BATNA

Before entering any negotiation, it’s important to know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Identifying your BATNA gives you a clear sense of your options in the event that you don’t get a deal.

To see what a BATNA looks like in action, let’s take the example of shopping for a new item that’s a pretty big investment: a car, appliance, even a pair of designer shoes!

When you’re making a major purchase, you’ll typically look at a number of factors—with price being a major point of consideration. If the item you’re looking to purchase has an offered price that’s above the price you know you can get elsewhere, then you potentially have a strong BATNA.

Notice that I used the word potentially. Why? Because price isn’t the only factor that matters! People often get stuck on comparing only price and end up walking away when in fact their BATNA isn’t as strong as they initially thought it was.

Say you’re purchasing a washing machine and trying to decide between two competitors. Machine A is $1,000 and Machine B is $1,200. On its face, it looks like Machine A is a better deal. Conventional BATNA wisdom advises that if you’re negotiating for Machine B, you know that Machine A is your BATNA. According to this approach, if you can’t get the price for Machine B below $1,000, then you can walk away knowing your best alternative is better.

Well, I say to heck with conventional wisdom! Price shouldn’t be your only consideration in determining your BATNA. Machine A may cost $200 less, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better deal. What if Machine B comes from a trusted supplier, offers a better warranty, and has a special delicate cycle so that you won’t have to hand-wash your intimates ever again? Those factors alone may be worth $200!

Ultimately, that’s for you to decide. BATNA can be very personal—and there’s no right or wrong answer. What constitutes a best alternative for you will depend on how you weigh the various factors at play.

So, how do you determine your BATNA? 

It’s important to do your homework. Ideally before any negotiation, you’ll contemplate, explore, and list all the alternatives available to you if the negotiation fails. You’ll evaluate these options and pick the one that would provide the best overall value to you. Now that you have your BATNA, you can meaningfully set your bottom line.

When used effectively, BATNAs provide significant bargaining power—but that power goes both ways, so consider the other side’s BATNA as well.

How to Effectively Use Concessions in Negotiations 

Once you’ve figured out your BATNA, you’ll be in a much better position to plan your concession strategy and ultimately get what you want:

• • Consider the “why.” During the give-and-take of negotiation, there will likely be trade-offs on both sides. Consider priorities—not only yours, but the other party’s as well. Similarly, consider the “why:” the emotional underpinning that motivates you and the person you’re negotiating with. What concessions can you afford to give without losing your needs? How can you meet the other side’s “why” without sacrificing your own?
  • Time concessions strategically. Many negotiation instructors will tell you to always make the other side give the first concession, but my approach to timing is different: so long as you’ve done your work in advance and planned for your concessions mindfully, it’s okay to vary the timing. There are even situations when it may be more effective to offer the first concession. Either way, when your position is strong and you’re well-prepared for the negotiation, nobody is going to move you unless you want to be moved.
  • Pace yourself. Studies suggest that people react more favorably to concessions that are doled out in increments rather than all at once, so avoid giving all your concessions too early. Keep some in your back pocket to produce as trade-offs for something important that may come up during the negotiation. You should also avoid offering too big a concession too early in the negotiation. This common mistake can signal that you don’t believe your own demands are realistic.

• Make sure there’s reciprocity. Is the other side giving concessions to match yours? Women often make the mistake of expecting others to know what we want and need, and this assumption usually results in us getting neither. So don’t be afraid to ask for reciprocity—especially if the other side isn’t volunteering it! Express what you want. Identify your concession and suggest an appropriate reciprocal concession. Unless you have a good tactical reason to do so, never give back-to-back concessions without anything in return.
• Offer contingent concessions. If you’re uncertain that your bargaining partner will reciprocate, signal that you’re prepared to give x if they’re prepared to give or do y. When used sparingly, contingent concessions can build trust and credibility to help move the negotiation forward.

These tips will give you the foundation to start using concessions to your advantage. Above all else, remember to be intentional in how you handle your concessions. I have full confidence that when you plan ahead and harness your true intentions, you’ll be successful in your next negotiation.

Want to learn more negotiation strategies for getting what you deserve in life?

Negotiate What You’ll Tolerate in Your Career—and What You Won’t

Have you ever had a moment where the constant ringing or pinging of your phone makes you want to toss it out the window?

The pressures of a demanding job are stressful enough during “normal” times. Compounded with the challenges of a pandemic that has disproportionately impacted women, it’s easy to feel like you’re drowning with no rescue in sight.

Boundaries between work and home life are more blurred than ever, with many women working and living in the same space. And when you’re hooked into work every moment of the day (and night), the demands of email, Zooms, phone calls, and Slack are a never-ending burden.

Constrictive Gender Norms Pressure Women to “Do It All”

Women tend to accept the inevitability of impossible deadlines and a mounting to-do list, weighed down in part by the old, sexist mantra that a woman must work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same recognition and respect. We’ve been conditioned to do everything: from working a full-time job to running the house to looking after the kids.

While it can feel like a badge of honor to keep all those balls in the air, your beliefs may be holding you back from setting reasonable expectations for your workload. That’s right: the first step in dealing with overwhelm at work isn’t to cut your hours, ask for more time off, or ask your manager to revise your job description. Those asks can be an extremely important part of your plan to negotiate what you’ll tolerate in your career, but the first negotiation you need to have is with yourself.

Renegotiating Your Mindset About Your Career

I’ve written a whole series about negotiating your mindset, and how your negotiation with yourself is truly the most important one you’ll ever have. Before you can go to your employer, or your clients, and ask to make a change in your relationship with them, you need to understand what it is that you really want.

In other words, what are you willing to tolerate at work? Are you willing to work weekends so you have flexibility during the week to go to your favorite yoga class? Are you willing to take early morning calls as long as you can pick your kid up from daycare by 3 pm? Are you willing to spend 20% of your time on administrative tasks that bog you down as long as 80% of your time is spent doing fulfilling work you really love? The answers will be different for everyone.

I’d also invite you to consider what you won’t tolerate: more work than you can reasonably handle, unrealistic expectations about deadlines, colleagues and managers who don’t treat you respectfully.

And finally, bring your negotiation back to how you treat yourself. Can you give yourself permission to not say yes to every request you get from your team? To be less than 100% polished and prepared every now and then? If so, you’re in the right headspace to take tactical steps toward negotiating a work life that’s less stressful and more enjoyable.

6 Practical Ways to Feel Less Overwhelmed at Work

There are practical ways to manage work-related stress and burnout, from mindful coping mechanisms that get you through a tough day to holistic preventative solutions. These tips will help you negotiate work life, home life, and even some time for yourself.

I advise the powerful women I coach to:

• Practice mindful breathing. Focusing your attention on your breath is one of the most powerful ways to ground yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Best of all, you can practice this calming technique right in the middle of the office and your colleagues will be none the wiser! In my programs, I teach the 4x4x4x4 technique, otherwise known as box breathing: breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold for four counts, repeat.
• Get out in nature. When you’re struggling to find calm within yourself, getting out in nature can help you find your center—and you only need five minutes to reap the stress-reducing benefits! Touch a tree or feel the grass with your bare feet. This tactile sensation reconnects you with the earth, literally grounding you and producing feelings of deep relaxation.
• Create a plan of action. When you work a demanding job, it can be hard to step back and look at the bigger picture, but setting aside time to plan will actually help make you more efficient. It will make it easier for you to stay focused on your priorities instead of inadvertently taking on somebody else’s agenda. You’ll also train your mind to focus on the positives and set achievable goals.
• Use the 80/20 rule. Once you’ve figured out your plan of action, use the 80/20 rule to prioritize tasks that have the greatest impact on your future. The idea is that 20% of the activities we do stand for 80% of the results we produce. For example, if you have a list of 10 actions, 2 of those actions will have a more significant effect on your future than the other 8 combined. Start by identifying a high-priority task and commit to completing it.
• Delegate your work. Women often fall into the trap of taking on more than they can practically handle—at work and at home. While it can be empowering to feel like you’re superwoman, trying to do too much easily leads to burnout. Passing on tasks that you know someone else can accomplish frees up your time and your mind.
• Eliminate what isn’t necessary. Do you really need to complete your to-do list today? You can feel a sense of failure if you don’t finish everything you have written down. If the work you have to complete isn’t urgent and time-sensitive, give yourself a moment to come up for air.

Tapping into your own natural skills to negotiate your work-life balance can ease the feeling of being overwhelmed, empowering you to push past limiting beliefs that may be holding back your potential. You’ll probably even feel less inclined to throw your phone out the window!

If you’d like additional guidance on reclaiming your power, let’s connect. I can’t wait to hear from you.

Do you suffer from the curse of ‘not enough’? If so, you’re not alone. This curse shows up in a number of ways – from how you value yourself to what it takes for you to feel fulfilled. Because the feeling is uncomfortable, chances are you don’t deal with it … or even acknowledge it. This is a mistake. Unresolved issues around your worth will dog you and hold you back from reaching your full potential. Like a governor on a snowmobile, it will slow you down.

It will translate to a lifetime of self-sabotaging behaviors.

On the one hand, many women are held back in their businesses and in life by baggage around worthiness. It’s no surprise considering it’s still recent history that women weren’t allowed to own property, hold credit, vote or even be recognized as persons in the eyes of the law. When you’re treated as ‘less than’, it’s easy to buy into a belief system that you are ‘less than’.

If you take a moment to think of the consequences of that conditioning, it’s easy to see that if you succumb to feelings of ‘not enoughness’ you aren’t likely to command the pricing, salaries, compensation, clients or relationships you deserve in life. If you can’t own your worth and value internally, how do you expect to project it externally to attract and negotiate for more of what you desire and deserve?

At the other end of the ‘not enough’ dilemma, if you don’t own your internal value with unshakable conviction, you’re likely to go through life trying to get more ‘things’ to establish your merit. Many suffer from the misguided ‘If I just had more, I’d be worth more’ delusion. This scarcity mindset typically results in a lifetime of dissatisfaction as no matter how much you amass, it will never seem to be enough. You will fall into a pattern of comparison where you always see yourself coming up short in some way. Tied to that, is often a fear mindset pattern – fear of losing what you have, fear of not having enough, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged inadequate or ‘not enough’.

I noticed recently that this issue keeps coming up in my interviews for my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ PODCAST series. That’s a sure sign of the significance of the issue. Many of the experts in the women’s empowerment and/or women’s entrepreneurship thought leadership space speak to the critical importance of owning your worth as the starting point to all success.

Check out these episodes to get your healthy injection of self-worth and how to use it to up-level your success in life.

Master Business Coach, Jeanna Gabellini, spoke to the importance of mastering this mindset in our recent Negotiating Your Pricing and Winning Over Ideal Clients episode. Check out that episode to uncover how to liberate yourself from the curse of ‘not enough’ and other game-changing mindset shifts to catapult your business to the next level of success.

Heather Hansen, CEO of Advocate to Win, uncovers how to develop your credibility as the antidote to ‘imposter syndrome’ and tips on ways to improve your self-advocacy, increase your belief in yourself and choose how you show up every day in our Negotiating For Yourself: You Are Your Own Best Advocate episode.

Billionaire brand queen, Tracy Holland shared secrets on how to up-level your powerhouse mindset in our Negotiating Your Way to Powerhouse episode. Discover how to get CEO-level confidence, coming from a place of feminine power. Uncover the key to negotiating with yourself first and how to avoid split energy holding you back from your most powerful self and success.

The Investor Warrior, Kari Lyke, opened us to the possibility of powerful real estate investment using feminine strengths to your advantage for authentic acquisition and exit strategies in our Negotiating to Success as a Woman Investor episode.

CEO of Worth International, Dr. Kelly Schuh, is igniting a Women’s Worth Worldwide movement committed to women entrepreneurs claiming their true worth. In our A Woman’s Worth: Non-Negotiable episode, she shared secrets from her Queen of Worth Sales System, teaching women to grow their businesses while playing to their feminine strengths of faith over fear, collaboration over compensation, and abundance over scarcity. Uncover the obstacles holding women back and how to address them to break through the glass ceilings of what’s possible.

In our Negotiating Your Confidence by Seeing Your Own Beauty episode, award-winning photographer, Marta Perales, shares her insights on why women lose confidence in themselves and a unique way they can reclaim their unshakable confidence.

Mother of 9 and powerhouse CEO of Local Choice Spirits, Paula Dezzutti, blew us away with her insights in our Negotiating Your Value in a Male-Dominated Industry episode. We explored everything from living life on purpose, to feminine innovation, being heard, negotiating value, raising capital and balance in life.

Clearly, there’s a lot to think about when it comes to standing in our value and owning our worth. If any of these episodes resonate with you, and you’re ready to soar to step into your best self, be sure to check them out, share them with other powerful women who could benefit and subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes. And, of course, we wouldn’t say no to a 5-star rating or review.

And so, we come to the last installment in our Negotiating Your Mindset series. Not that there isn’t more I could write about … there are multiple books worth of content on this important issue … but my aim was to highlight this oft-forgotten negotiation so you can start taking steps now to take control of your mindset. When you do so with intention, you take control of your life.

If you missed Parts I – III of the series, I invite you to check them out here.  Part I  Part II  Part III

So far, we’ve tackled:

• Choice and Control
• Gifts of Gratitude
• Strength in Service
• Power of Thoughts
• Loving Yourself Unconditionally
• Living Fully Present
• Direction of Your Focus
• Abundance Mindset
• Perspective
• Letting the Universe Inspire You
• Releasing Worry

Today, I’ll share a few final tips and strategies that you can use on your journey to take back control of your life.

Choose What You Tolerate

You get what you tolerate in life. This holds true in your negotiation with yourself. What you are tolerant of and tolerate for yourself is what you’ll get.

If you stay in your comfort zone, afraid of the unknown, of pushing your limits, of challenging the status quo or your beliefs, you won’t reach your full potential. You won’t fulfill your vision by hanging back in your comfortable space. Most end-of-life regrets are for chances not taken and experiences not lived. You’re not likely to reach the end of your life feeling relieved at having played it safe.

The good news is that it only takes a simple mindset shift. Simply make a decision that you won’t tolerate mediocrity from yourself anymore. Decide what you want in life and make a pact with yourself that you won’t tolerate anything less. You don’t need to turn your world upside-down overnight. But start. Take one step outside your comfort zone, towards a larger vision for yourself. And then another. Every journey, big and small, starts with a decision to take a step in that direction.

In addition to your internal negotiation about what you’ll tolerate of yourself, I invite you to start the internal dialogue about what you’re prepared to tolerate of others. You set the tone for how you will be treated. Take ownership of that. If you find yourself wishing that someone in your life wouldn’t treat you a particular way, maybe it’s time you turned the lens on yourself. Why have you been tolerating it?

I come to you with these nuggets having learned on the hard road of experience. I spent many decades training people in my life to take advantage of me. It caused me much heartache and many lost relationships. And it also cost those I thought I was being generous to. They became smaller versions, unable to achieve their full potential.

Ask yourself today, what are 3 things that you’ve been tolerating that don’t serve you … and brainstorm how you’re going to change that pattern.

Invoke the Power of Questions

If you ask bad questions, you’ll get bad answers. The opposite is also true. If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers. Maybe it’s time to reframe the questions you’re asking yourself. To ask better questions.

These questions are usually based on the stories we tell ourselves. Stories about why we’re not good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough … or just plain not enough. We’ve usually carried these stories and narratives since childhood and we continue to repeat them even though they don’t serve us.

Flip your stories, flip your life. Why not decide today to start challenging those old stories? And as you challenge your stories, get intentional about the questions you ask yourself. Instead of “Why is this happening to me?”, ask “What lessons can I continue to learn and share even more deeply in this moment?”  or “What opportunities are waiting for me to discover them in this moment?”

Can you feel the difference? Feel the power in that shift. These simple reframes allow you to come from and show up in a place of potential and possibility instead of fear. Your brain tries to give you what it thinks you want. When you ask negative questions, your brain will look for examples to support that negativity … as that’s what it thinks you want. Why not train your brain to expect the best, to look for example of the best the world has to offer and to give you the best.

Train yourself to ask more empowered and empowering questions to get more empowered and empowering answers and in so doing, to lead a more powerful life.

As we come to the end of this series, I hope I have opened you up to reframe how you think of negotiation. Specifically, it was my intention that you start to think of your internal dialogue as a negotiation. And that you recognize it as your first and most important negotiation. By seizing control of your inner chatter and choosing your mindset with intention, you can stay out of the quicksand and stay unsinkable even in challenging times.

For more powerful tips on how to negotiate your mindset to lead a more powerful life, check out my book, Negotiate From Fear to Powerful Resilience: Shining light in the dark.