Author: Cindy Watson

It’s that time of the year again! Happy holidays!
Or are they?
If I said “Tis the season …”, would you finish with “to be jolly”?

Are the holidays a time of joy for you? If you’re like most people, holidays can also be a time of stress if not managed with intention. We can experience the full range of emotional notes – joy, fear, angst, anger, trepidation, pleasure, guilt, gratitude and more – creating a symphony of something approaching chaos.

As we try to live into a Hallmark movie version of life, it can often feel like we’re missing the mark. The expectation of perpetual joyful exuberance adds an element of pressure capable of bending the mightiest oaks to near-breaking points … or so it can seem.

The good news is that you can take control of your holiday experience. The first step is recognizing that navigating the holidays is a negotiation. In fact, all of life is a negotiation. And we get to choose how we negotiate it.

Are you interested in negotiating a better holiday season this year? If so, read on. This 3-part series is designed to help you navigate this sometimes perilous journey with ease so you can maximize your enjoyment of the season (even if crabby Aunt Jane pushes your buttons)!

Part I   NEGOTIATING YOUR OWN MINDSET

Your first and most important negotiation is negotiating with yourself. Negotiating our mindset can be tricky as we typically haven’t trained ourselves to do this with intention. This is important always, and especially during the holiday season as holidays tend to bring up baggage for most of us. Some repressed, some not.

Here are just a few issues from the holiday blues hit list:

• Lost loved ones are felt more keenly during this time, bringing pain if not managed well.
• Past hurts resurface unexpectedly and can be toxic little poison darts leaking into our psyche if not addressed with intention.
• Feelings of ‘not enough-ness’ are particularly pesky as they try to niggle into our consciousness.
• Aspects of our lives that are not perfect can become magnified, whether it’s:
• no relationship,
• poor relationship,
• body image issues,
• career,
• finances,
• health,
• living arrangements
• or something in between
• Pet peeves can become exacerbated during this period of intensified emotion.
• Stress of scarcity mindset – i.e. not enough time; not enough money

It can sometimes feel as if you’re hosting simmering volcanoes of trembling nervous energy ready to blow.

You may be asking, “How can I negotiate my mindset?”

Here’s a few tips to kickstart the process …

Choose How You Want to Show Up

Decide how you want to show up during this holiday season. Recognize that how you show up is a choice you get to make. A simple and effective way to step into this powerful practice is to choose 3 words that describe how you want to show up – for yourself and in your interactions. Maybe it’s ‘present, engaged and peaceful’. Maybe it’s ‘joy, bliss and grace’. Maybe it’s ‘bold, excited and grateful’. There’s no right or wrong answer. Choose whatever resonates with you.

Print your 3 words on a sticky note and post them on the bathroom mirror (or somewhere you’ll see as you get ready for bed each night and wake up each morning). Read them aloud each morning and spend a moment to embody them. Consider how to implement them in your day. Each evening, take another moment to soak them in – let them percolate as you sleep to allow them to set in your subconscious.

You may also want to set the words to an alarm on your cell phone to go off midday (or at your typical lag time) to remind you to live into your chosen words.

If you find yourself being reactive during the day, that’s okay. You’re human. Don’t beat yourself up. Just take a moment to ground yourself. Pause. Take a deep breath. Breathe in your 3 words and find your way back.

If you want to take it a layer deeper, choose a ‘trigger’ so you can more easily and consistently implement your 3 words. For me, it’s a door jamb. Each time I enter my home, I touch the door jamb and briefly consider my 3 words, with intention, before I step over the threshold. That touchstone (or trigger) grounds me to be who I want to be with my family every day. To recognize it’s a choice. I leave the worries or stressors of work at the door. At the other end, I do the same thing. Going into the office, I touch the door jamb and consider the 3 words to represent how I want to show up in that environment. I leave the ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ behind and show up fully present in my work role.

Find a trigger that works for you. Some people choose to touch their heart or head, or squeeze their fist. Whatever works for you. The goal is simply to bring intention to choose how you show up.

Set an Intention

In addition to setting an intention about how you want to show up, I invite you to set an intention about what you want to get out of the holiday experience. You can’t hit a fuzzy target, so get clarity about what your ideal holiday season looks like. This helps stay on track to maximize enjoyment and enhance your experience. It allows you to ground yourself in the elements that most fulfill you.

When we don’t approach the holidays with intention, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind storm of commercialism and a ‘more, more, more’ mentality that can leave us feeling hollow and dissatisfied. Or we can get sucked into the abyss of comparison, always finding ourselves falling short against some imaginary unattainable standard.

By contrast, if your intention is to spend quality time with family and/or friends, you can focus on making time for those people you want to spend time with, embracing the experience rather than focusing on the ‘things’. If cooking a full turkey spread stresses you out, do pizza. If high end hostess skills leave you sweating, take a pass, do simple, and focus on being fully present instead.

Recognize the Gift of Gratitude

Adopt a gratitude practice. It’s impossible to feel anger, resentment, hurt or stress in a state of gratitude. It’s easier to get there than you’d think. You can do this anytime, but implementing a routine each morning and/or evening, where you consider 3 things you’re grateful for in that moment, is an easy way to set a positive tone for embracing the holidays.

No matter how dire circumstances may appear, there will always be things you can be grateful for in life. On your worst days, you are still likely better off than so many around the world. Start with simple things. It can be as basic as the feel of the wind against your face or the warmth of the sun through the window. Maybe it’s taking a moment to appreciate the majesty of ice-covered branches. Or perhaps a tender thought for someone in your life.

It only takes a few moments to allow yourself the gift of gratitude. Making it part of your daily routine (always and especially during the holidays) will enhance the quality of your life.

Choose Your Reactions

You can’t control everything that happens around you during the sometimes-frenzied holiday season, but you can control how you react to it. Here’s a favourite quote of mine on this idea:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. 
In that space is our power to choose our response. 
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Choose your reactions with intention. This may take some practice if your lifelong conditioning is to give in to knee-jerk reactivity, but it’s well worth mastering this powerful practice.

For example, you can choose grace, forgiveness and joy over anger, resentment and hurt. This is true even (and especially) in family dynamics where old habits can cause easy patterned triggers of reactivity. Instead choose an emotional reaction that best serves you. Create the space to choose your reaction. Remind yourself that it’s ultimately a choice.

Hope these tips help you to better negotiate your mindset so you can seize control of your holiday experience. If you want a deeper dive on how to negotiate your mindset in life, feel free to grab a copy of my free ebook Negotiating Your Mindset.

Be sure to check out next week’s article for Part II of the series. We’ll be tackling how to Negotiate Your Environment. And share this series with anyone in your life who could benefit from a survival toolkit on how to negotiate the holiday season.

We all make mistakes. This is true in life generally and in negotiations. The key is to raise your awareness and get more intentional about how you negotiate. When you make a mistake, recognize it and learn from it. It’s usually easy to realize when you slip up and say something inappropriate or give away information that compromises your position. It’s trickier to spot our unconscious saboteurs.

How do you recognize the myriad of invisible mistakes you make in your negotiations? Let’s explore some of the most common overlooked negotiation mistakes and how you can avoid them. I did an article for Psychology Today on the 7 Deadly Sins of Negotiation. These are not envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth or wrath (from the Christian tradition) … although it’s solid advice to avoid those as well.

In this piece, I want to focus on the mistakes we make that are less obvious … that lurk below the surface of our awareness. By talking about them, we lift them up to our consciousness so we can get intentional about avoiding them.

Needing to Win

Our conditioning around negotiation is usually based on an outdated competitive model. When you think of negotiations, the first image that likely comes to mind is a boardroom full of power suits. We think we need to ‘win’ the negotiation.

Focusing on ‘winning’ misses the point. Effective negotiation should be about securing your desired outcomes (or better), not on beating the other party. Focusing on getting the better of the other party precludes the open mind necessary to recognize creative solutions that may arise. It also often results in recourse to tactics that are counterproductive. Taking a collaborative approach over a competitive one typically secures better outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, and longer lasting agreements.

Bringing Bias to the Table

We all carry biases – some conscious, some not. Recognizing how these biases raise their ugly heads to sabotage your negotiations is an important step to getting best outcomes. Here’s just a brief sampling of the most common biases that poison our perspective in negotiation. See which resonate with you and be on guard against them when you prepare for your upcoming negotiations.

• Self-serving bias skews our perception as we see our position in an overly favourable light. Egocentrism bias prevents us from really appreciating the other party’s position as our focus is too narrowly on our own goals.
• Inattentional bias causes us to see, hear and experience only what we’re focused on and so we miss valuable information, insights, and cues.
• Endowment bias leaves us over-valuing what we bring to the table and under-estimating the value the other party brings.
• Confirmation bias has us search for and interpret information in a way to confirm our pre-existing beliefs.
• Affinity bias relates to our predisposition to favour people that remind us of ourselves.

We’re usually unaware that these common biases are affecting how we show up, how we perceive the issue on the table and negatively impact on our ability to get better outcomes.

Lack of Integrity

“Integrity” is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but usually isn’t considered with depth. The more familiar aspect of integrity is connected to how you act (i.e. whether morally or not). If you’re inclined to take ethical shortcuts, it will invariably come back to bite you in negotiations.

The less considered, but equally important aspect of integrity is based on the Latin word ‘integer’. When we are not consistent with our own values and sense of self, we are not ‘whole’ and therefore aren’t in integrity.

Both of these aspects of integrity are key to how you show up for negotiating and to the results you’re likely to achieve. When out of integrity, you can’t show up as an effective negotiator. Negotiations don’t work if integrity is lacking.

Ego in the House

Ego can be the kiss of death in negotiations. When you’re driven by ego, you lose control of the negotiations. You’ll be easier to manipulate, less able to assess information accurately or recognize opportunities that might show up.

Ego shows up in a number of ways. If you need to look good, need to win, can’t admit when you don’t know something, or talk too much, ego is in the house. Wanting to be liked is another (often ignored) sign of ego.

If you find yourself making the negotiation all about you and your needs, pause, take a breath and refocus your energy on the other party and what they need.

Reactivity and Emotion

Your success as a negotiator depends, in part, on your ability to remain centered, calm, collected and compelling. If you allow yourself to be triggered into reactivity, you’ll lose the clarity and focus you need to secure best outcomes.

Bringing your deep, emotional ‘why’ to a negotiation is not the same as being emotional in a negotiation. Knowing your why can help keep you grounded and bring emotional strength and resilience. This is not the same as letting yourself give in to anger, shame, guilt, resentment, or the range of other self-protection negative emotions that can sabotage your negotiations.

Attachment (a.k.a. I Can’t Let Go)

Typically, you go into a negotiation because you have an objective you’d like to achieve. However, it’s important not to become so attached to the outcome that you lose perspective in the process. Being too attached to a singular outcome will have you bargaining past the point where it makes sense or walking away when a deal was lying on the table if you’d only been open to look at other possibilities. The hallmark of a great negotiator is knowing when to walk away and/or being open to other alternatives. As noted above, effective negotiation isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about winning better for everyone whenever possible.

The most dangerous mistakes we can make are usually those we’re not aware of. This article was intended to raise your awareness about the most common invisible negotiation mistakes so that you can avoid them.

If you want to be a better negotiator, you need to build your skills at building rapport. Even if you’re not someone who easily connects with others, no worries. It’s a learned skill. This two-part series seeks to help you uncover the secret sauce to establishing that all-important connection in your negotiations.

Last week we dug into the foundational elements for setting the stage to build rapport. This week, let’s dig a little deeper into strategies you can use to better build rapport so you can start getting better communication, outcomes and relationship in all your negotiations – both personally and professionally.

In Part I we covered:

I           Be Yourself

II          Make a Good First Impression

III         Find Common Ground

IV         Get Curious

V          Give a Compliment

VI         Use the Person’s Name

Today, we’ll pick up where we left off with some more tips and tools to help you on the path to improving your ability to become a master-connector:

VII       Be Candid

If you want to build rapport and trust, always be the person who tells the truth. Admit when you don’t know the answer to something. Likewise, admit if you’ve made a mistake. We mistakenly assume this undermines our credibility when, in fact, the opposite is true. It humanizes us and makes us more relatable and trustworthy. Being honest builds rapport and a reputation for integrity.

VIII      Create Shared Experiences

If possible, try to spend time together (preferably in person) and create shared experiences. This can turbo-charge the connection process.

IX        Mirror & Match

Be intentional about your body language and facial expressions. Maintain eye contact. Lean in slightly. Nod periodically. Where appropriate, try to mirror and match the other person. Be careful though, about the popular advice today to mimic the other party i.e. to cross your legs or arms etc. if they do. Unless you’re skilled at mirroring this can be obvious and jarring and actually break rapport and trust.

Rather, note their speech patterns – tone, tempo and volume – and try to match it. I tend to speak with passion, excitement, speed and volume. When speaking with someone who is more reserved this can be off-putting and challenge rapport-building. I get intentional about slowing down my speech, toning down my volume and matching the other person’s style in those cases. I also pay attention to their language choices to use terminology and idiom that is familiar to them and will be more likely to resonate.

X          Practice Elevated Active Listening

This is such an important element of effective negotiating that I’ve dedicated a full article to the issue.

Be sure to listen intently to the other party when they speak. This does not mean waiting for your turn, but rather, genuinely listening with a view to fully understand their position. When you reflect back what they’ve said (partly to ensure you’ve understood correctly and partly to let them know they’ve been heard) try to reflect back their position in the most generous terms possible i.e. present their position even more eloquently than they did. This may seem counter-intuitive but in my experience, it triggers reciprocity and is a powerful way to build rapport.

XI        Bring Empathy to the Table

 

Active listening is important and effective as it’s a form of empathy. Bringing empathy to the table in negotiations is key to building effective rapport. Empathy does not mean you necessarily have to agree with the other party, but it does mean you need to seek to truly understand. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider what fears may be driving them. What’s their deep why? What obstacles do they foresee? What biases might they bring to the table.

When we approach negotiations with empathy, we build bridges and trigger reciprocity. In so doing, we build rapport and set the stage for opportunities for better problem solving and outcomes.

 

XII       Gradually Increase Intimacy

While you don’t want to prematurely over-share and dump inappropriate private information, it can be powerful to gradually increase intimacy through strategic sharing of personal info. The New York Times did a poll that found people trusted 70% of those people they knew versus only 30% of those they didn’t know. The more you can create a personal connection, where they feel they know you, and get comfortable sharing with you, the more likely you are to build the bond and rapport necessary for superior negotiated outcomes.

XIII      Inject Humor 

Humor is a great antidote and connection-builder. In addition to smiling, use humor where possible. Laughter releases endorphins (our feel-good chemicals in the body) and relaxes us. This sets the mood and opens the way for better bonding.

If you lose rapport at any point in a negotiation, don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Be humble. Address why you lost rapport. Take ownership where appropriate. Apologize if necessary. Get curious and determine together how you can get back on track.

Hopefully these tips and tools have better equipped you to build rapport in your negotiations. Practice them. Get comfortable with these approaches so they become natural and you can slip into rapport-building mode authentically. Building better relationships will get you better negotiated outcomes. As all of life is a negotiation, this skill cannot be overstated.

Are you one of those people who can instantly connect with others? Are you able to build a sense of trust and connection with ease? If so, you’re positioned to be a highly effective negotiator. If not, don’t fret. Contrary to popular belief, rapport-building is not an elusive gift you’re either born with or destined to do without forever. Stay tuned to uncover tips and tools to help you better build rapport so you can negotiate your best life.

All of life is a negotiation. Rapport-building is one of the foundational elements of effective negotiating. It’s one of 6 key skill sets that make and mark the most effective negotiators. And yet, until recently, it has received little attention in negotiation circles. In fact, our conditioned understanding of negotiation frames it as a competition. This win/lose mentality causes us to focus on elements that are actually counter-productive to getting better outcomes, buy-in, and relationships.

Let’s dig in to up-level our understanding of how to build rapport so we can get better negotiated results. In this two-part series, we’ll uncover some of the top strategies to better build the rapport necessary for best negotiated outcomes. In this Part I, we’ll unpack some of the foundational elements for setting the stage to build rapport. In Part II, we’ll dig into some specific strategies as the negotiation progresses.

Rapport is an emotional connection with others. Building rapport is the process of establishing that connection. This can be instant in some cases or may take time to develop. It can also grow naturally or you can intentionally build it. Ideally you want to both build rapport and to stimulate it.

Here are some top tips and tools to help you on the path to improving your ability to build rapport:

I           Be Yourself

Oscar Wilde is oft-quoted for his quip, “Be yourself – everyone else is taken.”

Sage advice that still holds … in life generally and in rapport-building for negotiations in particular. Being real and authentic will always be more effective than trying to adopt a persona that isn’t natural for you. The other party will feel the lack of authenticity and it will create a discord that repels rapport and trust.

There are many resources available now on ‘how to’ negotiate more effectively and much written about tactics to build rapport. Studying these will certainly help elevate your skillset and improve your negotiation skills and outcomes. Having said that, don’t fall into the trap of getting stuck in your head, over-thinking the ‘how’ and in the process losing your natural authentic charisma. Practice the skills to build rapport (including those set out in this series), but always err on the side of being yourself as you work towards the new skills becoming natural.

II          Make a Good First Impression

First impressions matter. Most people have a visceral reaction to others within seconds of meeting. Make sure the reaction you induce is positive to the extent possible. Take note of your state before you start the negotiation. Release any negativity you may be harboring. Tap into a memory or thought that puts you in a positive frame. Once you get in the desire state, it will be easier to show up with a genuine smile, with warmth in your eyes, and an inviting posture and demeanor. This will help set the stage for rapport-building right out of the gate.

Note that you need to be aware of cultural sensitivities, both in making a first impression and throughout the negotiation. Ensure that you are culturally appropriate so as not to offend and break rapport.

III        Find Common Ground

We often hear the advice to start with small-talk. While it’s true that you want to avoid jumping straight to business (which definitely does not build rapport), I’m not talking about leading with banal conversation about the weather. Try to find a common interest or connection. Maybe a shared hobby, favourite sport or team, college, travel experience, etc. Most people like talking about themselves. Show genuine interest to inspire them to open up. In so doing you will build connection and rapport.

Ideally, you want to find your shared humanity. Try to discover what brings them joy and what they’re passionate about. Tapping into that will increase your ability to build rapport.

IV        Get Curious

Tied to finding common ground, it’s useful to stay curious. We all seek to be seen, heard and understood. The more you ask open questions and stay genuinely engaged, the higher the connection you’ll build (not to mention the valuable information you can elicit to better understand the real needs of the other party to come up with creative higher value solutions).

It goes without saying that to do this effectively, you’ll need to release judgement and let go of stereotypes and preconceived ideas (about the person and their position).

V         Give a Compliment

A genuine compliment can go a long way. Find something you can truly acknowledge that you appreciate about the other person and share that.

VI        Use the Person’s Name

Try to remember and use people’s names. Call them by name early in the conversation. Again, people like to be seen. Calling them by name creates an immediate connection and familiarity.

Having said that don’t repeat their name so often that it stands out and jars. My husband, a small-town boy, uses people’s names repeatedly in his conversations. While it’s genuine and authentic for him, overuse of someone’s name is risky as it comes across as insincere and can actually undermine rapport rather than build it.

I hope this has given you some food for thought on how you might better build rapport in your negotiations. Be sure to join us next week for more juicy insights. In Part II we’ll go deeper and tackle a host of strategies for making connection to get better results.

The Great Resignation … Everyone is talking about it. It’s all the buzz. Studies suggest as much as 40% of the workforce does not plan to return to the workplace in the wake of the pandemic. So how can you negotiate fulfilling work in these unusual times?

I think it’s important to recognize that while COVID may have expedited the process, there has been a growing dissatisfaction with our work systems for some time. The shift is not new. There are many reasons for this.

• • Past generations typically worked one job for life. They secured pensions & benefits so they could retire with ongoing income and some measure of security in their senior years. Loyalty to and from employers was the norm.

  • This is no longer the case. The ‘global economy’ created a profound shift in our workplace norms and expectations.

  • Recent trends suggest this generation can be expected to have an average of 15+ job changes in their career with 51% of employees staying in any one role less than 2 years.

  • Employers increasingly put profits over people, with little loyalty to long-term employees.

  • Many employers reduced fulltime jobs in lieu of part-time or contract workers (including outsourcing overseas), dramatically decreasing any sense of job security. Pensions & benefits were often eliminated altogether.

  • With increasing technology came a dehumanization of the workforce.

 

• This generation is the first generation not expected to do better than parents.

Then came COVID. The pandemic has exacerbated these trends. Employee dissatisfaction is at an all-time high. In addition to the general sense of malaise and overwhelm, coupled with new perspectives about priorities, employees tasted flexibility in a way most hadn’t before. We saw increased flexibility in the ability to work from home and to control hours of work; virtual vs in person work opportunities; time away from physical workplaces; decreased supervision; and increased autonomy.

The Great Resignation will force employers to re-evaluate the path they’ve been marching down and to find ways to better position themselves to retain and attract talent. This is good news for employees as it puts you in a stronger negotiating position to ensure you get what you want and need.

How can you prepare yourself for these negotiations?

1. Negotiate Your Mindset: Your first and most important negotiation will always be with yourself. Negotiating your own mindset is your first step in the preparation process. Own your value. Ensure your sense of worth comes from within rather than seeking external validation. Recognize what you bring to the table. Believe in yourself and ground yourself in the certainty that you deserve the best.

1. Find Your Passion & Purpose: Consider what fires you up and make a decision that you will only entertain work that ensures you do what you love and love what you do. Consider your unique gifts or ‘zone of genius’. Seek out opportunities that match your unique gift or talent.

1. Do your homework. Get clarity on what you want to negotiate for, know what your comparables are (to justify your asks with confidence), know your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), determine your bottom line, know the going rates at the particular workplace, as well as in the industry both locally and beyond.

What Are Some Things You Can Ask For?

Often people limit themselves by only considering salary in their workplace negotiations. I invite you to think outside the box and broaden the scope of your potential asks. If the goal is to increase fulfillment, then money isn’t the only variable in that equation.

Here’s a quick checklist to kickstart your own brainstorming session to determine what’s most important to you:

• Money

• Title

• Flexibility (where you work and hours of work)

• Independence/decision-making

• Training opportunities (internally & externally)

• Mentors/Sponsors

• Opportunity for growth (both personally & professionally)

• Opportunity for advancement

• Vacation

• Stocks/Equity

• Daycare

• Gym membership

• Travel perks

This is just a starting list to get you thinking about those things that would move the dial for your job satisfaction.

How Do You Negotiate For What You Deserve?

Once you’ve got clarity on what you want, how do you negotiate to get it? Here’s a few tips to help you in that journey.

• Create a ‘Brag list’ or ‘Proof of Performance’.  As part of your prep process create an exhaustive list of all your accomplishments, skills, assets, valuable qualities, commendations, contributions, etc. This is not the time to be humble. This will allow you to show up with confidence and to reference your value with ease, seamlessly in the conversation.

• Set high aspirations and expectations.

• Focus on what you can do for/bring to the company. While past accomplishments are important, any organization is going to want to know what value you can bring to the table going forward.

• Use ‘we’ language. Set the stage so that psychologically they see you as a valuable part of the team already. i.e. “I’m really looking forward to being able to help us achieve x,y,z targets and boost our growth in a,b,c areas.”

• Practice the ask! Be sure to get comfortable with the numbers you intend to propose so you can deliver the ask with assurance.

• Come from a mindset that is not cap in hand, with you convincing them to hire you, but rather, with them needing to convince you of why you should go there.

Negotiating fulfilling work is important. You deserve it. Work is a relationship. In fact, we typically spend more time at work than with our loved ones. Ensure you look for a workplace and environment that feeds your emotional, physical and financial health. In these unusual times with the unprecedented exodus from the workplace, now is a good time to leverage your bargaining power to negotiate your best work environment.

We’ve all heard the expression ‘Negotiate as if your life depended on it’, and at some point felt like we were negotiating for our life. I had the pleasure of interviewing Alam Ghafoor, who literally had to negotiate for his life, after being wrongly accused of terrorist activities, hooded, dragged away at gunpoint and held captive for weeks.

I’ve interviewed and shared tips from hostage negotiators before, but today I get to share a rare glimpse into negotiating on the other side – from the perspective of the hostage or prisoner. I’m confident you’ll come away with some valuable insights about how to up-level your negotiations based on lessons Alam learned through his harrowing experience.

Alam had been retained to revive a stalled high profile real estate negotiation in Dubai. While eating dinner with a few friends he was called out into the hotel lobby to speak to someone. Within seconds, his pockets were emptied, he was pushed out of the hotel at gunpoint, hooded, and thrown into a car to be driven off into the night. After being dragged out to the desert, his hands and feet were cuffed to a chair, he was punched in the head and met with a barrage of voices screaming at him in multiple languages and dialects.

To his utter disbelief, he was told he was part of a terrorist cell and responsible for the London bombings. For two weeks after that he was sleep deprived, subject to physical and mental abuse, and interrogated around the clock by multiple interrogators who threatened death in a variety of creative ways. He was repeatedly reminded that nobody knew where he was. He had dropped off the face of the earth.

At first, Alam acknowledges he felt hopeless, defeated and sorry for himself. He believed he was imminently about to be executed. He thought he might combust as his insistence that this had to be a case of mistaken identity fell on deaf ears. Then he thought of his 4 year old son, his mother with a weak heart, the impact on his family of being unjustly labelled a terrorist, and he realized he needed to change his mindset and his approach. He made a decision that he was not going to die on his knees, begging for his life.

Our mind can be our best friend or worst enemy. What we choose to take on board will either defeat us or help us survive. Staying in the fear and playing out worst case scenarios in our mind can be as bad as what’s to come. Alam decided that ‘whatever comes will come. Whatever the body can take it will take’. There were certain things he had no control over. He chose to accept those and focus on what was within his control. Then fear couldn’t be used against him as manipulation point.

Alam realized that while he was physically locked up, he still had control over his own mind. He decided to draw on his skills to understand people, including linguistics, body language, personality profiling, etc. to figure out how to get into the heads of his captors. He tried to goad them into getting him on TV so he’d be visible. He decided to use fear against them. He watched the interrogation teams to see who he could influence, how he could plant doubt, who he could play against each other.

Alam made it a point to watch, listen, and notice – to pay attention to little things that he could use to gain some traction. He made it a point to notice the power dynamics, consider how he could use ego to his advantage, how he could plant seeds of doubt. He asked questions, he listened, he probed. And after two weeks, he was finally released on threat that he better get out of the country immediately.

Once he finally made it home intact, he had to face an equally difficult negotiation – negotiating his mindset to overcome the PTSD and to come to a place of forgiveness.

While there are countless lessons from this experience that we can all apply to negotiating our daily lives, here are a few to kickstart your consideration:

1. Your first and most important negotiation is negotiating with yourself to take charge of your mindset.
2. Learn to let go of those things you can’t control and focus on those things you can.
3. Tap into your deep ‘why’ to increase your effectiveness as a negotiator.
4. Use the resources and information that are at your disposal and try to find additional resources that may not be apparent at first blush.
5. It’s not only what’s said that matters in a negotiation, but also the non-verbal cues.
6. Pay attention to the little things. Get curious about the other party. This will increase your ability to influence and persuade.

I invite you to dig deeper to find other lessons that you can embrace to negotiate your best life and get more of what you want, need, and deserve.

If you want to hear more about Alam’s experience, check out my podcast interview here.

Have you ever wished you had the skill and savvy to negotiate like an international peacekeeper or hostage negotiator? Well, your wait is over! I recently interviewed former hostage negotiator and international peacekeeper, Paul Nadeau. He shared his top tips on effective negotiating and I’m going to share them with you here.

Negotiating Your Mindset

The first secret to success is to always start with negotiating your own mindset. Challenge your inner saboteur and choose to believe in yourself. Silence the voice telling you that you’ll never amount to anything so why even try. Paul shares a story of a teacher in grade 7 who called him out in front the class by saying, “We’re going to have a test next week and I expect everyone here to pass … except for you, Nadeau.” Not surprisingly, he was humiliated. And surprisingly for 7^th grade, he recognized he had a choice. He could accept the inner critic urging him to quit or he could buck up and prove it wrong. He chose the latter.

Part of negotiating your most powerful mindset is coming from a place of pronoia. If you’re not familiar with that term, pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. It’s believing that the universe is conspiring for you. This positive expectation is a much more powerful place from which to bargain than expecting the worst.

We Are More Similar Than Different

Nadeau always starts from the premise in negotiations that we are more similar than we are different. When you negotiate with someone, consider that they’re going through the same things as you. They’re wondering, “Is this the right fit for me? Am I making the right decision? What can I expect? Can I trust this person? Do I like this person?”

You Get What You Give

Remember that we get what we give. If you show up with negative energy, you’ll attract that negativity in kind. By contrast, if you show up with empathy and ensure you treat the other party with dignity and respect, you’ll inspire that. Decide, with intention, who you want to show up as in your negotiations.

The P.I.E.R. Model for Successful Negotiations

Paul advocates what he calls the PIER model for negotiations.

• P stands for planning.
  You want to be as prepared as possible for any negotiation, whether personal or professional (whether planning for a first date or for a complicated business deal). Lack of preparation is one of the biggest mistakes people make in negotiating.
  As hostage negotiators, Paul’s teams did a lot of role-playing, considering a multitude of possible outcomes and scenarios. When you prepare in advance for a variety of possible approaches you may encounter, you’re better equipped to avoid reactivity and to respond with the required clarity and focus.
• I is for intent.
  Avoid a single-minded self-serving focus. For effective negotiations, show up seeking to provide a service and/or considering what you can give of yourself to make meaningful connection. Don’t make it about you. At least at first, strive to make it about the other party. Don’t make pitches. Listen. Be interested in what they have to say.
• E is for entrance & engagement.
  Seek to make a good first impression. Your entrance should be warm and friendly. Smile. The other party will be evaluating you as you enter and throughout the negotiation as you keep them engaged … or not.
• R is for relationship.
  Be intentional about the relationship. Consider the relationship outcomes you seek before going into the negotiation. Be intentional about building rapport and connection. Avoid jumping straight to business.
  The art of negotiation is really about connecting with the other party and making them feel safe.

Focus On What You Can Control

Try not to focus on things you can’t control in a negotiation. Focus on the moment, the things you can control. What does that mean? Pay attention to how you ask questions, how you deliver, how you engage. Your job is to listen with your ears and your eyes. Pay attention to the cues from the other party. If the other party suddenly shuts down, or the emotion changes, or there’s a tension in their body … take note and adjust accordingly. Identify that white elephant in the room. Label the white elephant. Don’t be so focused on your desired outcome that you miss the cues that can help you get there.

On Fear

On fear in negotiation, Paul Nadeau reminds us that we all experience fear at some point. Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s moving beyond it. Our fears are often unwarranted, but they can immobilize us if we allow it. See the fear as an opportunity.

Remember that the other party will similarly have fears. When uncertainties show up in the other party in a negotiation, stop and ask, “What are you worried (or concerned) about right now? I sense there may be something holding you back. Let’s bring it out in the open so I can address it. I’m here to serve.” This can be a powerful approach.

Everyone wants to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and understood. Whether you’re dealing with a hostage-taker, criminal, angry businessperson, contractor, loved one or child. Always start from the premise that you’re walking in to talk to a human in any negotiation. Treat them with dignity and respect. Don’t seek to exert power over them – instead look to work together. Consider the fears that may be driving them, or circumstances in their life you have no idea about. Try to pay a genuine compliment where possible. Practice gracious assertiveness. Invite them to be the best version of themselves.

These tips served Paul Nadeau well, both as a hostage negotiator and as an International Peacekeeper. They most certainly can help up-level your negotiation prowess, whether in your personal negotiations, professional negotiations or all the spaces in between.

I’ve been on a mission for some time to bust the myth that it’s ‘a man’s world’. The thought process is that if we continue to buy into this idea, we will perpetuate the patriarchal structure and continue to condition women to believe they’re likely to get less in life. Since we create our own realities by the thoughts we choose and the meaning we attach to those thoughts, it struck me as dangerous to allow ourselves, as women, to believe the world is not ours. Law of attraction is a powerful thing. If you believe that even though you make up over 50% of the population, somehow the world belongs to the ‘other half’, you will almost certainly expect less and get less in life.

Recently, I interviewed a woman who was no stranger to the topic. Pam Lester was one of the first women attorneys in pro sports, the first woman president of the Sports Lawyer Association, the first woman chair of the American Bar Association Forum on the entertainment, arts and sports industries, and the first woman chair of the sports division of the ABA Forum Entertainment, Arts & Sports Industries. In her career, she specialized in licensing and endorsement deals for athletes on everything from tennis, to golf, to soccer to boxing and Olympic athletes. She also created plans for HBO properties, including launching the licensing for the inimitable series, The Sopranos and genre changing series, Sex in the City. I thought it might be worthwhile to share her perspectives here.

Gender Bias & Women as Commodities 

Like many of us in male-dominated industries, Pam was typically the only woman in the room. Women were often seen as commodities who would come and go. In fact, Pam shares a story that one woman who worked in the office was fired and the managing director called everyone in the office by that name after that – as if we were somehow all interchangeable. There were no mentors. This wasn’t just an issue based on gender. As Pam points out, whether it’s based on gender, weight, race, sexual orientation, national origin or otherwise, there will always be people who will be biased against us. Her strategy was to just register the information as relevant data.

The Upside to Being Underestimated

In fact, Pam argues that being underestimated can in fact be a great strength. When someone underestimates you, they let their guard down, they think they have something over you. You can use that to your advantage … so long as you hold your own value and don’t underestimate yourself. If you’re intentional about how you show up, you can bring rapport-building and empathy to the table to get more information and use it to your benefit in your negotiations, coming away with better results.

Pam shared a story about one case where she was negotiating a high-stakes deal and when the lawyer from the other firm came in to the boardroom he asked her to get him a cup of coffee. Being polite, Pam said “Would you like milk and sugar?” When she then sat down on the other side of the table to start the negotiation (after having brought his coffee), he was so disarmed that she was able to use that to her advantage and come to an advantageous settlement.

On Speaking Out

Pam speaks to regrets about not speaking out, but notes that women didn’t feel they could speak out in that setting. Heck, she acknowledges that she was careful not to join women’s organizations because it may be held against her. Luckily, that climate is changing and this issue is getting long overdue air time. Women are finding ways to speak up and be taken seriously without buying in to the competitive, dish-it-back modus operandi. I find it can often be helpful to appeal to someone’s higher nature. Invite them to step into the best version of themselves. You could say something like, “I know it’s important to you to treat everyone with dignity and respect. And I know it’s important to you to ensure everyone’s voice is heard on this priority project …”. That approach (versus calling them out as a sexist or misogynist) can be very effective in making someone re-evaluate their approach in a way that allows them to save face and build a better relationship. It can be effective even, and especially, when someone is not actually showing up in the way you describe. You invite them to breathe into a better way of showing up.

How to Overcome Overwhelm & Ego

On being in a situation where you may feel overwhelmed, Pam says the trick is not to show your fear, and not to feel you have to fill the air. Take time to regroup if necessary – call a proverbial time-out if you need it. And if you don’t know something, it’s okay to say you don’t know. People often assume you’ll lose credibility if you do that but the opposite is true. Don’t let your ego get the best of you. Be prepared to admit to yourself that you won’t know everything. That opens you up to better listening in a negotiation. When you truly open up to actively listen to the other party, it’s incredible what doors and opportunities that can open.

Your Most Important Negotiation: Negotiating Your Mindset

Negotiate your own mindset so you can show up with confidence, even if you’re not really feeling it at the outset. Decide how you want to show up. Women are often criticized for being ‘too nice’. Pam recounted a story where she was coaching girls’ varsity lacrosse, and even though she had a winning season she was lambasted with the ‘accusation’ that “You’re too nice – this isn’t how we coach here!”

And yet, ironically, at the other end, when women are assertive, we’re accused of being too aggressive (or any number of other even less flattering characterizations).

On Being the ‘Token’ Woman

Added to that, there’s the issue of being accused of being the ‘token’ woman when you achieve placements in positions of power. Pam suggests that rather than being upset about it, when you get an opportunity take it – don’t turn it down on ceremony – make the most of it.

If you want more tips and strategies on how to negotiate as a woman in a so-called ‘man’s world’ check out the podcast interview.

The Art of Negotiation and the Art of Leadership are closely connected. We often assume that both are innate traits – you’re either born with it or not. Not true. In fact, both arts are learned and can be acquired and elevated through intentional practice. Added to that, much of our impact and ability to get what we want in our negotiations and as leaders is based on how we show up. Women often self-sabotage in this key area. In a recent interview with Dr. Michele Williams, a professor at the Tippie College of Business, this point became even more clear. Stay tuned for some insights and tips that will help you in terms of how you show up to lead as a woman.

Our starting point was the recognition that women tend to be more likely to shy away from negotiations for a host of reasons, many tied to social conditioning (and even more so in advocating for themselves). It’s not just that they don’t ask, it’s that in the corporate structure they learned not to ask. They’ve been getting backlash and told they’re too pushy, or too greedy, or too selfish … so, they learn not to ask. And they’re disadvantaged by that.

How do you redress that? As women, we just need to draw on our innate strength and ability to ask. When you look at our advocacy and negotiation skills on behalf of others (for our children, our family, our community) we’re tough negotiators. So why not set those high aspirations and expectations in the workplace and realize there are ways to ask and negotiation strategies that can really help you be effective.

One of Dr. Williams’ favorite strategies (from Amy Cuddy’s work on presence) is using strong non-verbals. Women tend to get more pushback for their language than for their non-verbals. So when you come confidently into the room, speak calmly, pay attention to your tone of voice, pacing, body language and presence, that show of assertiveness can be very powerful.

Take up space. If you watch powerful men walk into a room, they walk in big. They sit down, they spread their legs wide. They spread their stuff all over the table. That’s one of the things that women can do with our bodies. Make sure you’re not crunching down, and you don’t look like you’re just there to take notes. You’re there to contribute.

Another thing in terms of space is your voice and how you frame your contributions. Women often preface everything with, “It’s just my opinion, but …”, or we lower our voice and say, “I just might think …”. These can be VPs and high-end women execs saying really important things, and yet they’ll still start that way. Instead, come out and say, “I think this is what we should do. This is the next plan. Our strategy is not working.” Say it with confidence. The cadence of your voice is going to make a difference. Be careful not to ask everything as a question. “Maybe we could …” or “Maybe we could try …” as opposed to “I think we should try this.” That combination of using your voice differently, and physically taking up space and owning that space will be a great asset in getting more of what you deserve.

According to some studies, another thing to be aware of is that when women progress in their career, they’re treated with less interpersonal sensitivity, but as men progress in their career, they’re treated with more. All the work on power says more powerful people are treated with more sensitivity, and yet the opposite held true for women. Being aware that the context is different is the first step to addressing the issue. It may not always feel comfortable as you move through the ranks in the corporate world. Because of this, women … (and especially women of colour) tend to shrink back. They come quietly in the room. They try to keep their head down, and just do really good work. They wait for other people to recognize them.

That strategy is not effective because nobody’s paying enough attention to know what good work you’re doing. If you’re not advocating for yourself, it just falls through to the wayside, and you likely won’t be seen as leadership material because you’re quiet and not getting into those difficult and challenging conversations.

Part of the solution is reframing our mindset. In the US and Canada and Western Europe we tend to view the workplace as a meritocracy. If you do a good job you will be rewarded. We’re not sure how or by whom, but hold the belief it will just come. We’ll just be rewarded. The idea that there are actual social networks in place, or that people have sponsors speaking up for them in the organization isn’t considered.

According to Dr. Williams, once we think about the process as not fully a meritocracy but having a social element, it behooves us to actually let people know what our accomplishments are. These are just facts, and they come up in naturally in conversation. Women tend to hold back because they don’t want to be seen as bragging. They don’t want to be the tall poppy for fear of being cut down.

The narrative we start to tell about ourselves and our work is important. Another piece of that, If we don’t tell our own story, other people will tell it for us. And the story other people tell for women is, “Oh, they’re so nice. They’re so good with people. Isn’t that fabulous. I’m so glad to have her on my team. Oh, she’s so passionate.” Passionate, good with people, and nice does not get you promoted. They are often not seen as having anything to do with leadership.

But when you talk about it in different language i.e. being nice really means you are able to motivate your team. You’re a good mentor to more junior people. You’re able to help departments resolve conflicts. When you start putting different language to those behaviors – i.e. you’re able to motivate everyone – that language is language recognized as leadership skills. It’s our responsibility to tell our story in a way that lets others know we’re leadership material so they’re not using just vague, nondescript language to describe all the good work we’re doing.

If this perspective has been useful for you, check out the full podcast interview WITH DR. MICHELE WILLIAMS

If all of life is a negotiation, why are we taught so little about it? And of the little we’re taught, why is so much of it based on myths? These are important questions as the myths we buy into can hold us back from becoming our most powerful negotiator. They stop us from getting the better outcomes, buy-in, and relationships we deserve.

Let’s explore the top 10 myths, consider why they’re so dangerous and debunk them so you can step up to negotiate a better life for yourself.

Myth #1: Personal Relationships Are Not Negotiations

How we’ve been conditioned to see negotiations is a good starting point in examining myths that hold us back. When you hear the word ‘negotiation’ I’d wager you first picture a boardroom full of suits. We recognize business dealings as negotiations but not our personal dealings. This misconception stops you from bringing the necessary level of intention to your interactions.

Recognizing that all of life is a negotiation – whether it’s with your kids, intimate partner, co-workers, service providers or business tycoons – is the first step on the path to negotiating better relationships and outcomes.

Myth #2: Negotiation Is a Competition

We’ve also been conditioned to see negotiation as a competition, with winners and losers. This is one of the reasons so many people resist seeing negotiation as a skill to use in personal relationships. This zero-sum approach to negotiations leaves little room for creative solutions that meet the highest good of all. Instead, when you take a collaborative approach, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party, you’ll elevate your influence and persuasive abilities to get even better outcomes than anticipated.

Myth #3: Toughness Carries the Day

Tied to myth #2 is the belief that toughness carries the day in negotiations, that the person talking the longest and loudest is ‘winning’. In fact, the opposite is true. Successful negotiators are effective listeners who bring empathy to the table. The more you understand about the other party’s needs, the better deals you’ll be able to broker.

Myth #4: Women Aren’t Good Negotiators

The misconceptions set out above lead to the mistaken belief that women aren’t effective negotiators. Many women shy away from negotiating their best lives because they buy into the myth that negotiations are about toughness and competition.

Interestingly, 5 out of 6 of the key skillsets that make and mark effective negotiators are traits considered by most to be ‘feminine’ or soft skills. My A.R.E. F.I.T. model is based on elevating our appreciation and intentional adoption of these skills. Assertiveness, Rapport-building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust are the top 6 skills most often identified as essential to superior negotiation. Studies suggest that aside from assertiveness, the other 5 skills are considered ‘feminine’ traits by most. Yet, ironically, we still cling to the misguided belief that women are likely to be less effective.

Myth #5: Nice people finish last in negotiations 

The same misconceptions that lead people to believe women aren’t effective negotiators are also responsible for the mistaken belief that nice people finish last in negotiations. When we see negotiations as win-lose propositions where it’s all about the bark and bite, it’s no wonder you might buy into the myth. Added to that, ‘nice’ has gotten a bad rap in recent years and is under-valued.

To all the nice people out there, be glad in the knowledge that you may well be better equipped as a negotiator because bringing empathy, true trustworthiness and rapport-building to the table will elevate your outcomes.

Myth #6: You either have the natural ability as a negotiator or you don’t 

Many people believe that negotiation skills are fixed traits – you either have them or you don’t. They believe negotiation prowess is innate – some are born with it, others not. This mindset inhibits people from stepping up to try out their negotiation chops. That’s a shame because the belief is based on a myth.

Negotiation is a learned skill. It takes practice. Making a point of learning more about the art of negotiation and applying those skills with intention will improve your abilities as a negotiator and result in better solutions and outcomes. Every new building block will set a stronger foundation upon which to grow.

Myth #7: Negotiations are like poker –  hold your cards close to your chest

As is no doubt becoming clear, the myth that negotiation is a win-lose competition spawns many more destructive myths. One such spin-off is the idea that negotiations are like poker and you need to hold your cards close to your chest. In my experience this is typically counter-productive. It’s challenging if not impossible to come to real, meaningful resolutions that represent the highest good for all if everyone is busy protecting and refusing to share their actual desired outcomes.

It’s only through sharing your real needs and discussing those of the other party that opportunities arise to find creative solutions to meet those needs – often in unexpected ways. A guarded, defensive posture in negotiations triggers a similar response in kind. This is rarely, if ever, a strong place from which to bargain for best outcomes.

Myth #8: Never make the first move

Another spin-off myth from the competition model is that you should never make the first move in a negotiation and/or that concessions are a sign of weakness. I’d like to debunk both these myths. There are many potential advantages to making the first move.

Anchoring your expectations at the outset can be a strong move in a negotiation. Set high aspiration levels and anchor expectations by sharing them early. You can set the tone for the negotiation and set the discussion on track from the outset.

Likewise, planning for and making the first concession can set a collaborative tone and trigger reciprocity. It’s always been my belief that people afraid to do so lack confidence in the strength of their position and/or negotiating abilities.

Myth #9: Emotion has no place in negotiations 

You’ve no doubt been told that emotion has no place in negotiations. It’s often one of the unfounded criticisms levied against women – that they’re too emotional to be good negotiators. There is a difference though between being emotional and bringing emotion to the table. In other words, while you don’t want to be emotionally reactive and lose the clarity required to move towards desired outcomes, bringing the emotional resonance of your deep ‘why’ can be a powerful motivator in a negotiation.

At the very least, understanding emotion and how it shows up – for you and the other party – is a significant advantage in any negotiation.

Myth #10: If both sides go away unhappy it’s been a successful negotiation

This myth is a particular pet peeve of mine. I’ve often heard even experienced mediators suggest they know they’ve done their job if both sides go away unhappy. I come down with a resounding ‘NO’ on that theory. Splitting the difference as a go-to remedy is a similar pet peeve. Successful negotiators seek the highest and best results for all. It shouldn’t be about everyone giving up items of importance. It should be about finding how to get even better results than everyone expected coming to the table.

Hopefully this article has given you some insights on how to bust through negotiation myths that hampered your ability to get your best outcomes. By raising your awareness about stories you’ve been telling yourself about negotiations, you’re halfway to elevating your ability to persuade and influence.