Author: Cindy Watson

(or How to get more of what you want and need without the conflict)

Would your approach to bargaining change if you only had one week to live?

Lately I’ve noticed a number of blogs or purported negotiation expert sites extolling the virtues of negotiating like your life depended on it. A take-no-prisoners, hostage-situation style of bargaining. This concerns me. Surely there’s enough conflict and confrontation in the world already. It’s one of the reasons I created the Art of Feminine Negotiation program. After 30 years of high stakes negotiation experience, I recognized that effective negotiation isn’t all about the bark and bite. Toughness doesn’t always carry the day. I came to realize that the hallmark of the most effective negotiators was the ability to bring the softer ‘feminine’ skillset to the table. I imagined a world where we negotiated from this place. A better world where we didn’t take hard line positions just for the sake of it or based on some misguided view that you could only get what you want that way. A world where we came up with more creative solutions that benefited the greatest number of people – where you could get what you want and also give more. And so, I invite you to consider a novel paradigm shift. Instead of negotiating like your life depended on it, what if we negotiated as if it were our last week on earth. What would you change in your approach to bargaining if you only had one week to live?

 

We’re inundated today with negativity. Our media abounds with images of conflict and disaster. It causes us to catastrophize our lives and how we live them. It keeps us locked in a scarcity mindset – a belief that there’s not enough and we need to fight to get and keep our piece of the pie. We get duped into a pattern of defending and conquering. Protect our turf, our property, even our ideas. This single-minded approach fosters more conflict as we battle to get more at all costs.

 

What if that mindset is not only unnecessary but counter-productive? What if that outlook limited you from achieving more? What if there isn’t an immutable pie, but in fact abundance abounds when you open yourself to it? Are you open to the possibility that there’s a way to negotiate your life that can give you everything you want … and more … while also allowing you to give, to contribute, to grow?

 

Here’s the key. Instead of trying to get every extra sliver of pie onto your plate and off the other party’s plate, why not create more pie? Tap into your natural feminine energies to think outside the box and look for creative win-win solutions. I don’t mean split-the-baby solutions, but rather, true innovative solutions that expand the options and opportunities for all parties to the negotiation (and beyond if possible). Instead of trying to put one over on the other side, why not find a way to get more for you and them.

 

You do this by employing the elements identified in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program. The 6 key skills that make and mark an effective negotiator are assertiveness, rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. [Here’s an easy mnemonic to remember these key competencies: A.R.E.  F.I.T. You ARE FIT to be a great negotiator.] Five out of six of those qualities are typically considered feminine traits or strengths. Assertiveness is only one element of bargaining. I’m encouraging you to tap into the other skills (which you already no doubt use in a myriad of ways everyday) with intention to bring to your negotiations. When you master and bring these elements to your negotiations, with intention, it will fundamentally elevate and change the character of your bargaining while simultaneously getting you better results. Using this approach gets better deals, longer-lasting deals, better buy-ins and improved relationships.

 

Approach your negotiations by trying to determine what the other side really wants and needs. What added value can you potentially bring outside the zone of the obvious issue on the table that could benefit you both. Are you trying to sell a tractor-trailer rig because you’re moving? Don’t just haggle over price. Instead consider possible referral and income opportunities over and above purchase price (i.e. share the local customer list you won’t be able to service anymore thereby benefiting you both on a much larger scale). Selling a vacant lot? Don’t get so focused on picking the highest purchase price that you ignore the prospective contractor purchaser who can build the road much cheaper than you thereby providing a potentially huge win-win solution. Consider outside connections you may have unrelated to any given transaction at issue – maybe you can make an introduction that costs you nothing but is invaluable to the other party. You get the idea. Invoke your empathy, build rapport and trust, use your intuition and be flexible to get outside the box creative solutions beyond the obvious. Take away the conflict to provide opportunity.

 

As humans we have two driving needs in life: to grow and to contribute. Maybe it’s time to rethink our traditional negotiation paradigm. Maybe it’s time to adopt an approach that meets our primal needs and gives greater value to everyone involved. If you had only one week to live would you want to spend it in negativity, haggling and fighting for every last scrap or you would want to live with purpose and meaning, getting what you want and need (and more) while spreading positivity, knowing that the ripple effects of your actions creates a climate of caring and compassion over conflict? I know what I’d choose.

My mother collapsed at the doctor’s office last week. She hit her head when she fell. And so started an unexpected journey into the perils of negotiating a health care system in the face of delirium and disorientation. The proverbial ‘they’ say things come in threes. This was the third time I’d had to advocate for my mom’s healthcare in the last year. It reminded me of my own maxim that ‘all of life is a negotiation’ and negotiating our health care is no exception. We typically hold our health care professionals in high regard and shy away from challenging their expert advice. While I share admiration for dedicated medical professionals, I’d suggest you never abdicate responsibility over your own healthcare and for those you love.

I first remember learning this lesson when my daughter (firstborn) was an infant. She was diagnosed with a serious heart defect at 2 months old. I had raised questions at her one- and two-month check-ups but was told I was paranoid – she would soon be President of the Baby Association (a clever reference to the fact that I represented trade unions). As a first-time mom, I’m not sure why I got a second opinion. Call it women’s intuition. Thank goodness I trusted it despite my doctor’s assurances. It turned out Jade was in heart failure. Within minutes of that second opinion, she was whisked away on oxygen as cardiologists argued about timing and strategy for complicated open-heart surgery. But that is only the beginning of that story.

We then embarked on a three-month post-surgery journey where everything that could go wrong seemed to. If 99% of the population reacted to a particular drug one way, Jade would be the 1% that went the other way. Every day posed a life or death fight. The first few times I timidly voiced concerns (I was no doctor after all), I was shut down, patronized, or ignored. But when it turned out I was right each time (yes, they had punctured her bowel with the NG tube despite loud protestations it was a physical impossibility, and yes, her fever spiked because she’d started teething not from meningitis, so those invasive tests were unnecessary after all) I knew I had to trust my instincts. The girl whose dad hadn’t taught her to box needed to become Muhammad Ali in this unfamiliar ring. I had to step up and negotiate for my baby girl the way I negotiated for my clients.

And when things were not improving after 2 months and the cardiologists said she needed surgery again, I fought sabre-tooth and nine-inch-nail against it. Even when they told me she wouldn’t survive and it would be on my head. (Not exactly compassionate bedside manner). But I stuck to my guns. Sure I was scared. Sure I second-guessed myself. And when I insisted, against their recommendation, we pull the ventilator to push her to breathe on her own again, I stood by her bedside willing her to suck in that critical lungful of air as the painful seconds ticked by. But I decided to trust my instincts because I was convinced she couldn’t survive another surgery. And within a week, after months of agonizing close calls, we had Jade out of intensive care and en route home.

I was a little less diligent about negotiating my own healthcare. After many skin cancer diagnoses, all basal cell (slow growing and low risk) I became complacent about the cavalier scheduling and practices of the dermatologists. They cancelled appointments, mixed up doctors, misdiagnosed, forgot to follow up with results … you get the idea. I accepted it in ways I wouldn’t if advocating for my children. Don’t we often put our own needs on the back burner as we care for everyone else in our lives? Since we get what we tolerate, I continued to get substandard care. But then I got diagnosed with melanoma. Not slow growing anymore and high risk by any standard. At first my old tolerances continued as they cancelled appointments and gave me the runaround. Until I thought about the consequences for my family if something happened to me. Suddenly, I wasn’t prepared to take what I’d been tolerating. My why became strong enough. I invoked my Momma Bear for the bear cub in me to self-advocate and negotiate my own health care.

Fast forward to today and the situation with my mom. When I finally got word she’d been rushed to the hospital, I arrived to find that she’d been over 24 hours in the emergency ward, lying on a cot by the nurses’ station (alarms ringing by her head, creating total disorientation) with a handcuffed felon beside her complete with an armed police escort. She hadn’t had a CT-scan, nor had one even been ordered (it seemed they forgot she’d presented with a head injury), and she hadn’t received any antibiotics for her lung infection. Needless to say, my Momma Bear reared her head, to protect my mom, who (as often happens in later years) was now my bear cub to defend.

I brought my A.R.E. F.I.T model to bear,  trying to build rapport and trust, employing empathy by commiserating about the challenges that under-funding and under-staffing brought for nursing staff, and remaining flexible to potential options. Ultimately, however, I recognized that this was a situation that also called for me to trust my intuition and above all, to be assertive to ensure my outcomes for my mom were met.

I invite you to adopt the A.R.E. F.I.T. model in advocating for your health care (and for those you care about). This can show up in different ways depending on your situation. Here’s a quick checklist of things to consider in negotiating this process:

• Ask questions about anything and everything you think you ought to know;
• Insist on getting answers to those questions;
• Ensure the answers are in language that you understand – if not, keep asking until you get it – there’s no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to health;
• If the answers don’t seem correct, raise further questions;
• Trust your intuition;
• Try to educate yourself;
• Don’t be afraid to challenge the information you’re given, the recommended treatment program, the medication being prescribed, etc.;
• Go up the food chain if necessary;
• Build rapport, trust and empathy, but make sure to be assertive as necessary to meet your outcomes (this applies with support staff, nurses, doctors and specialists alike).

These simple tips can have a profound positive impact on your healthcare outcomes. So much of our lives is a negotiation. Negotiating your health care just may be the single most important bargaining you ever conduct. Without good health, much of the rest of what we negotiate about becomes moot.

Space: The Final Frontier

Last week we tackled space and how to use it in negotiations. I’m not talking about sending someone to the moon, or even Mars. No, nothing so distant. To the contrary, we talked about those all-important personal space zones – the difference between intimate to social to public space, and how you can apply an understanding of these concepts to up-level your bargaining. There’s a whole science dedicated to the subject. For those who missed last week’s installment, it’s called proxemics. To recap, proxemics focuses on how humans interpret the use of space, particularly its impact on behavior, communication, and social interactions. Why should you care about it? In case you didn’t notice, these focus areas are all elements in negotiation. In this segment, let’s move from the use of physical space to a broader and deeper consideration of the subject and how you can use it to your advantage.

A person’s perception of space is affected by visual, kinesthetic, olfactory, auditory and thermal dimensions (according to Edward T. Hall, credited developer of the concept of proxemics). What do I mean by that? Visual includes eye contact or lack thereof; kinesthetic includes posture and body position; olfactory includes smell, pheromones, etc.; thermal is the heat given off by an individual; and auditory includes tone of voice (which can be broken down into texture, volume, directness). How does any of this impact on your negotiations? Let’s explore a few areas:

 

I To be (on time) or not to be (on time)

Some would argue that the first and most important kinesthetic is arriving to the negotiations on time and with your entire party – i.e. if you intend to have fruitful negotiations, the last thing you want to do is insult the other negotiators by arriving late. Others, however, see this as a possible tactic to exploit to set the other party off balance from the outset. Either way, being aware of this and making the decision with intention is an important first consideration.

 

II Where oh where can my baby (negotiations) be (taking place)?

In real estate they say the top three factors in property value are location, location, location. Some believe the same can be said of bargaining.  Home court advantage is often touted as key. Humans subconsciously associate familiarity with safety. For example, sleep researchers discovered the “first night effect”, a subconscious defense mechanism that prevents us from entering a deep sleep when we sleep somewhere new, to ensure that we are able to defend ourselves at a moment’s notice. This concept can equally apply to the location of the negotiations. A party who suggests that discussions take place at their home location is likely attempting to take early advantage (though there are pros and cons to consider on both sides). For those who missed it, we discussed the importance of the where of negotiations in the earlier post. If you want to control your negotiations, then control those elements that you can. This is one area where you can. Simply make sure this is a factor you consider with intention, rather than default.

 

III What’s wrong with your face?

Non-verbal cues account for the majority of bargaining communication. Facial expressions constitute a big part of these non-verbal cues. So, mind your facial expressions. With one look you can discredit or empower a person’s position. Needless to say, this carries power and ought to be controlled. If the opposing negotiator is pitching their position, ensure that no one on your side is nodding in agreement. With intention, you can use your facial expressions to elicit specific desired reactions. But without purpose, unwitting facial expressions can tank your bargaining strategy and power in the blink of an eye.

 

IV Don’t be a human fidget spinner

Watch your hands and legs. Are you a nervous tapper? Pen clicker? Foot bouncer? Try to control it. It distracts – both you, your team, and the other side. It also signals that you’re stressed and anxious – not exactly the picture of strength you want to project. Showing angst can be used against you to try and force an early or substandard deal. Additionally, watch the position of your hands when speaking. Your palms are a powerful tool. Palms up purports inclusion whereas palms down signify aggression. If you watch famous public speakers, they speak with their palms facing up when they want to bring people into their narrative. It is a subconscious gesture that portrays inclusion.

 

V Don’t take that tone with me

Your tone and speed of speech are crucial communication tools. The more control you have over your speech, the less opposing negotiators will be able to guess your strategy. Stay calm, stay cool, stay collected.  Once mastered, this tactic can be used to create red herrings to confuse or distract the opposing negotiator from your purpose.

 

VI The eyes are the window

Don’t stare. Eye contact is critical for active listening, however, a long and unbroken stare will be interpreted as intimidation. Only use it if you mean it. As always, intention is key. If you want to show the other party that their position doesn’t deserve attention, stop making eye contact and read your notes. It can be an effective way to undermine their confidence in their position.

 

VII Engage the space

Following up on our discussion of the awareness and use of personal zones, always remember to use the space regardless of where you’re bargaining. Make a conscious decision whether you want to stand or sit; be beside or across from the other side; stay static or move about the room; moving into or staying outside the other party’s comfort zone; be the center of attention or not, etc.

Hopefully you can use these tips and pointers to enhance your bargaining strategies. Proxemics is often overlooked or downright ignored as a factor in bargaining. Become aware of this concept and learn to apply it to your negotiations strategically for a significant advantage to give you leverage and enhance your effectiveness, influence and ultimately your results in bargaining. Ignore space at your peril. They say it’s the final frontier for a reason.

Space. Such an interesting concept. Different meanings jump to mind for different people, whether the space you live in, being spaced out, space cadets, giving each other space or proximity to others. Humans continue to be fascinated by conquering space frontiers (from the moon to mars and beyond). Heck, even monkeys have been to space. So, perhaps it’s appropriate to chat about spatial consideration in negotiations (or if you want to get fancy … proxemics).

What is proxemics? The branch of study that focuses on how humans view and interpret the use of space, particularly its direct impact on behavior, communication, and social interactions. You may have noticed that these are all elements in negotiation. So let’s consider the oft-ignored use of proxemics for improved negotiations. Mastering this concept can mean the difference between commanding a room or shrinking in it, taking control or being overwhelmed.

Let’s start with those all-important personal space zones. What are they?

• Intimate space: the closest “bubble” of space surrounding a person. Entry into this space is acceptable only for the closest friends and intimates (however temporary or long-term they may be).
• Social and consultative spaces: the spaces in which people feel comfortable conducting routine social interactions with acquaintances as well as strangers.
• Public space: the area of space beyond which people will perceive interactions as impersonal and relatively anonymous.

Note that these personal space zones vary by culture, age, population density and even personality. We all have our own comfort zones in terms of personal space. I often joke with my daughter that she treats her intimate circle in the way others treat public space – she wants a wide berth, a protective bubble in her interactions. Outside of the personal, compare a large city to a small town. In urban centres you’re squished into subways, bumped on the streets, crammed into elevators, etc. By contrast, in rural communities, it’s less acceptable to bump someone on the street, or sit beside them on a park bench. The size of the personal space zone increases based on the density of the population. Another important example is the cultural differences in personal space. In many large cities in Asia, while riding the subway, it is acceptable for a stranger to fall asleep on your shoulder. In North America, this type of proximity would likely cause some discomfort.

How can you apply this in your negotiations? Consider the negotiating or bargaining space. Here are a few examples:

• How big is the room? Do you want to create intimacy or not? Do you want a comfortable space for the amount of people involved or not? What’s the temperature? Again, are you striving for a comfortable environment or not?
• How does the room design impact the discussions? Are there windows, light, and airflow? This becomes an issue after hours of negotiating and be an advantage or hindrance to effective bargaining. You may find yourself or the other party making concessions just to get out of the room.
• Type of chairs? This one may come as a surprise. Some negotiators try to use proxemics to their advantage by having two variations of chairs in the negotiation room, some set to a taller height than the others and/or some more comfortable than others.
• Table or room set up? Is the table set up in an adversarial manner, with each party on either side of the table? Although this may seem like the default seating plan, it is not necessarily the most effective for negotiations. Having members of your negotiation team sitting directly beside the opposing team can subconsciously increase harmonization. Also consider alternative room set-ups, whether circle or theatre style depending on the nature of the discussions.
• Personal space is critical: Using proxemics to understand and identify your zone during negotiations is important to guarantee fluid negotiations. Staying in the social zone is typically recommended. If you are constantly in someone’s personal or intimate zone you will come off as less reasonable, more intimidating, and likely to break down negotiations. Again, however, some see this as a possible tactical move to engage.
• Engaging the space: Be intentional about your use of space in negotiations. Use the room to your advantage. Most people ought to stay seated, across the table from each other during formal bargaining. There can be great advantage to more fully using the space in a room, including crossing the imaginary divide between the parties.
• Additionally, consider personal space when giving a handshake: Regardless of gender, a handshake should be firm, direct, and initiated by you as it shows a willingness to work together. Find a neutral strength handshake and adjust to match the “squeeze” of the other person.

Most people overlook this aspect of bargaining altogether. As a result, you’ll be at an advantage when you bring this skill and awareness to the table. When you’re able to utilize proxemics –using space to your advantage with intention in your negotiations, you elevate your bargaining position, power, influence and results.

You asked. I answered. In response to your requests, the last few blog posts have been about some practical elements of the bargaining process itself. We debunked the misunderstood art of concessions and explored the importance of knowing your BATNA before bargaining. Today, we’re going to tackle impasse and how to break it. What is an impasse? The dictionary defines it as “a situation in which no progress is possible, especially because of disagreement.” Synonyms offered include deadlock, dead end, stalemate, checkmate, standoff, standstill, halt, stop, stoppage, full stop. The word’s origins are French, meaning unable to pass.

Clearly this is not a desired state in negotiations. The goal is not generally to hit stalemate (although there are admittedly times when this may be a strategic desired result). Even with the best of intentions, however, typically, negotiations come to an impasse at some point. So, given that the end game for most bargaining is to actually come to an agreement and get a deal, it’s important to consider how to break an impasse when you come up against it.

Parties usually hit an impasse over the matter (or substance) of negotiations versus the mean (or process). Although, there are certainly times when the how of bargaining is important enough to one or both parties that it can cause a stalemate – sometimes right out of the gate. I’m sure you’ve had that experience, even though you may not have thought of it as an ‘impasse’. For example, if you can’t agree on where or when to meet with someone, so the meeting keeps getting put off, you have hit an impasse of sorts. Most impasse, though, happens over the ‘meat’ of the bargaining issues.

What are some strategies or tactics to get around an impasse? Here’s just a few to consider:

1. Nibble approach: don’t try to resolve the entire issue that led to impasse, but instead, nibble around the edges and/or take little bites towards solving the problem at hand.
2. Role Reversal: have each side put themselves in the shoes of the other side – actually play devil’s advocate by each arguing against your own position and for the other side.
3. Record-check: put together a summary of issues agreed to date – this allows both sides to focus on the progress made rather than the stalemate and can often open up the parties to finding a creative solution.
4. Future focus: have both parties focus on the ideal future they envision if an agreement were to be reached – this refocuses energy away from the block and on the possibility and promise an agreement could bring.
5. Reframe: try to reframe the outcomes as seen or perceived by one or both sides – i.e. reframe the perception from a loss to a win.
6. Give and Take: ask ‘what would you offer if I were to concede on this?’ or alternatively consider offering something in return for their concession.
7. Shift: switch the conversation away from the contentious issue that led to the impasse to allow the possibility of some forward momentum and come back to it later.
8. Trial period: propose a trial period – that way neither party is tied to a long-term buy-in, but instead can see if the proposal works or not.
9. Trial balloon: float a trial balloon by asking a hypothetical question: “What if I was to …” – that way you’re not tied to the suggestion but might get some movement forward.
10. Take a Break: take a temporary break from the negotiation and reconvene at another time.
11. Change-up: bring in another negotiator to change the energy and momentum.
12. No-side Neutral: bring in a 3^rd party neutral to mediate.
13. Fear Factor: have both sides share and address their respective fears – this can often be a launching point to better solutions all round.
14. Share Stories: it’s easy to say no to positions, but harder to dismiss someone’s story – so, share your ‘stories’/perspectives on (i) why you each think you’re at an impasse and (ii) why the issue is so important to each of you – this can open up meaningful dialogue that can lead to better solutions.
15. Set Change: change the venue – sometimes a change of scenery can change the energy and unblock one or both parties.
16. Research and Regroup: sometimes you may need to go away and do further research and agree to regroup once you’re both armed with more information and/or options.
17. Ask, Ask, Ask: ask diagnostic questions – in other words, employ the 5W’s (see earlier blog post series on the importance of invoking the 5W’s) – use open-ended questions about who, what, where, when, why and also how to dig to determine the other side’s real needs, desires, fears and deeper why.

These are just a few ideas to help you get out of the box if you find yourself at an impasse in your negotiations. Ideally, you want to determine what is causing the impasse and address the root problem. Sometimes, though, good old-fashioned diversion, distraction or change-ups can do the trick. Whenever possible, be aware of the need to allow a face-saver for the other side (and yourself if necessary). Know how to re-open talks without a loss of face for either side and without sacrificing your power. Ultimately, we all have self-interest in our bargaining. Find a way to meet the needs of that self-interest by getting creative rather than getting stuck. Here’s to busting through the barriers to get from impasse to pass through!

Strange title, I know. No doubt it struck you as morbid. I’m sure it hit a few triggers. Indulge me if you will. I’ve been in California this week and we had two back to back earthquakes over two days. I’m not talking the little tremors you sometimes feel when in earthquake territory. I’m talking about the kind that rocks buildings and cracks walls. The kind where you’re directed to hide under desks and hold table legs … and when the shaking didn’t stop, finally got directed to evacuate the building … immediately. It was exciting and a little nerve-wracking, but the point of this article is this: I confess while cowering under the desk, I didn’t exactly have a ‘life-flash- before-my-eyes’ moment, but I definitely had a ‘have-I-lived-fully, loved-deeply, and made-a-difference’ moment. The people I love flashed through my mind and I scrambled to remember our last exchange. Did I tell them I loved them? Did I let them know they mattered? Did I empower them to live large and to be the best version of themselves? Did I (please no) make them feel smaller without intending to. You get the idea. So, I pose the question to you.

If today was your last day, are you ready?

Are you living each day fully on purpose and with purpose?

If not, why not? What are you waiting for? If today was your last day, would you leave this earth with regrets? If so, what can you do – now – to redress that? What steps can you take – today – to start to ensure that when your time comes, you go knowing you left nothing on the table. You did everything in your power to be your best self, to make a difference in the world and for those in your orbit, to love those around you and let them know without reservation that they’re loved. I’m asking you to consider what you would want to ensure you’d done … or said … and then go do it. Or at least figure out how to do it and make a plan to get it done. I’m asking you to do that now … as if there may not be a tomorrow.

We tend to be a death phobic society in North America.

This causes us to push away thoughts of our demise. Which in turn means that we don’t prepare properly, nor do we prepare those around us. I invite you to consider that this approach may be a big mistake. In fact, it may inhibit us from living the fullest version of our lives. Ironically, our fear of death may stop us from living. At the very least it typically stops us from discussing issues around death with our families and in so avoiding the issue we invariably leave a mess behind. Yvonne Heath addresses this debilitating pattern in her book, Love Your Life To Death. As a long-time nurse, working emergency to hospice over the course of her career, she saw first-hand the devastating effects of death phobia as it left behind unprepared grieving loved ones who were ill-equipped to handle death, or worse, who were left to fight about details which hadn’t been arranged in life. Death is part of the natural cycle of life. Heath posits that dealing with the ‘death discussion’ and preparing for it while we’re in our prime is a much healthier alternative with better results both in life and death and with better acceptance and adjustment for those left behind. Isn’t that a much more civilized and proactive way to deal with this inevitable issue? I loved the book when I read it a couple years ago, but my recent earthquake experience gave deeper resonance to the ideas. I’m going to reread it as soon as I get home (and suggest you do the same).

In the meantime, I encourage you to negotiate with yourself about your death. Know yourself. Be ruthlessly honest.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• How do I want to live my life?
• Who do I want to spend my valuable time with?
• How can I maximize my time to do the things I love most?
• What is my purpose?
• Am I living on purpose?
• If not, what can I do – now – to start?
• Where am I wasting valuable time and energy and what can I do to stop that pattern?
• Am I investing sufficiently in myself to be the best that I can be?
• Am I making a difference in this world?
• If not, what can I do – now – to start to do so?
• Do I let the people I care about know that every day?
• Who do I want to manage my estate when I die?
• Have I made arrangements for the disposition of my estate when I die, paying attention to the personal items that I may want distributed in a particular way (including to people in my life who I may not otherwise think to include in my will)?
• How do I want to die? Would I want life support, or would I want a ‘do not resuscitate’ and if it depends, then on what? Would I want the plug pulled and if so, in what circumstances?
• Do I want to be buried, cremated or otherwise?
• Do I want my body or organs to be donated? If so, are there limitations on that?
• Do the people in my life who would make these decisions know my wishes?
• Is there some message I’d want to leave behind for those I care about? If so, have I prepared it? If not, do so now.

You get the idea. This is but a tiny sampling of the kinds of questions we so often ignore in our avoidance of death and anything connected to it. Answering these questions is the first step to living your fullest, most purposeful and impactful life. It empowers you not just in death, but in inspiring you to live large in the present – to appreciate and maximize every moment of your now. Consider these things deeply, meaningfully and honestly. Negotiate with yourself about how to best live your life now and every day, but also how to have some control over your exit from this life. Talk about these things with the people you care about. Negotiate with them to ensure your wishes are known and will be respected. Make this subject natural and approach it with love and compassion. In so doing, your negotiations will pay off now, and when your time comes, and going forward for the people you most care about in this world. This may be one of the most important, productive and (ironically) life-changing negotiations you’ll ever have.

Unconscious bias seems to be the new buzz phrase. As with many trendy new concepts, it runs the risk of being trivialized. I invite you to refrain from dismissing the power of unconscious bias. It’s worth digging deeper to uncover and bring to the light the potentially profound undermining impact it can have on our lives as women.  We often hear about gender bias and usually assume it means bias imposed by men against women. But what about women’s own internal biases? It’s these insidious biases against our own gender that perhaps do the most damage.

Why would I address this issue in an article about negotiation? Well, most women tend to shy away from negotiation, believing they’re not effective, or alternatively overcompensate, believing they need to bring masculine energy to succeed. Neither are true. In developing my Art of Feminine Negotiation programs I was determined to delve into the why for this phenomenon. Turned out these unconscious biases were one of the key things holding women back. They undercut our performance, affect the choices we make, and limit our opportunities. So, isn’t it time we address the monster under the bed head on and take its power away? At the very least, it’s worth taking a look at.

I           Undercutting Our Own Performance

When we’re primed based on our gender we perform worse. What do I mean by that? In a study of a group of young women taking SAT tests, where half the control group were asked to identify their gender – just identify whether they’re male or female – that half performed worse than the half who didn’t have to identify gender. In fact, in a Harvard study of Asian-American students, the young women performed better when asked to identify their ethnicity but worse when they had to identify their gender. Similarly, a U.S. study of AP calculus students showed that young women asked to identify their gender before the test performed worse than those asked the question after. This result held true even when the priming was subconscious. In another Harvard study, when ‘feminine’ words (like lipstick, pink or doll), were subliminally flashed unbeknownst to the participants, those primed with the feminine words performed worse than those primed with neutral words.

Let’s think about that for a moment. If the mere idea of identifying as a woman somehow makes us under-perform and not achieve our actual potential or capabilities, what does that say about the limiting beliefs girls have internalized about our gender? Consider the destructive power of these beliefs.

II          Undercutting Our Own Sense of What We Think We Want

It goes even further. Not only is our performance negatively impacted, but some studies support that our very ideas about what we’re interested in can be manipulated by gender priming. For example, in a joint Toronto and Boston psychology study, female undergraduate students who were subliminally flashed images of women not visible to the naked eye, expressed a preference for arts over math whereas those who had been primed with male images did not.

III         Undercutting Our Opportunities

These unconscious biases also limit our opportunities in the world. Nowhere is that more prevalent than in the workforce. It was long believed that women did not secure certain positions or advance due to lesser skills. Allegations of bias were met with resistance and denial (from both men and women). Now, however, studies routinely confirm that not only do unconscious gender biases exist, but they’ve played a significant role in holding women back for many years.

In one study, for example, participants were asked to choose the most qualified candidate for a position as police chief. Unbeknownst to them, however, they were given two resumes identical in every respect but for name. One bore a man’s name, the other a woman’s. In significant numbers, participants (both men and women) consistently chose the male for the position notwithstanding identical resumes to choose from.

Likewise, for many years, most major symphonies were overwhelmingly comprised of male musicians. Suggestions of gender bias in the selection process, were rebuffed with arguments about judging by professionals based on objective, identifiable criteria. And yet, when blind auditions were finally run (i.e. the judges could not see the candidates auditioning, but could only hear them) more women were selected.

Surprised? It’s not really surprising that these unconscious biases exist and have had profound impact on women throughout the years and continue to do so. Let’s face it. It wasn’t that long ago that women didn’t have the right to vote, or own property. Heck, in some jurisdictions it’s recent history that we were even recognized as persons in the eyes of the law. And if we go back further, in the scheme of things, it’s not so long ago that powerful women were burned as witches at the stake. So perhaps it’s no wonder that you may have been conditioned to hesitate to step into the fullness of your power. The message that you will be cut down if you do has perhaps been passed down generation to generation through whispered warnings absorbed through osmosis as they travelled along our mother’s umbilical cord, tying us to our mother and all the mothers before her.

Again, don’t panic. Awareness is the key. Each layer we peel back gets you one step closer to stepping into your power as a feminine negotiator. It’s important that we face it though. Don’t turn away or pretend it doesn’t exist. Look the monster in the face and name it. Hold up a mirror and face it in yourself. Stare it down. Consider this a primary negotiation exercise. Negotiate with yourself to deal with your unconscious bias. Acknowledge the power it’s held. Commit to yourself to fight against it, to identify it when it creeps in and to stomp it down – both as it impacts on you and your decisions vis-à-vis yourself and as against other women.

It starts with self-reflection and awareness. Given that both men and women suffer from these unconscious biases, it stands to reason that we’ve under performed at some points in our lives, that we’ve made decisions that were informed by internal biases we weren’t even aware were at play, that we’ve judged other women more harshly based on these same biases. When I thought about these studies, it made me wonder, how many times have I held myself back or pursued a path that may not have been my heart’s desire without being aware of it.

How about you? Can you think of times when maybe you under performed and you weren’t sure why, or maybe you stopped yourself from asking for more money, or you let a man take your idea, or held your tongue until you thought it might bleed, or maybe just doubted yourself and held back from going for something big? What if today, you made a commitment to face down the monster of unconscious gender bias, to release those conditioned inhibitions and let your inner goddess and natural negotiator shine bright.

Negotiating by email is an unavoidable fact of life in today’s world. Whether you see the world as expanding or shrinking in the current global climate, one thing is certain. Face to face negotiations will not always be possible. In fact, technological interactions without traditional human connection seem to be on the rise. Some actually consider email to be the dominant form of communication in business today. As a result, I thought I’d be remiss not to address the issue. There are pros and cons to this mode of negotiation, both worth noting. Let’s take a look at the good, the bad and the ugly in the world of email negotiation (with some do’s and don’ts thrown in for good measure). Knowledge is power and can help counter the potential negative impacts through simple strategies you can adopt to enhance the email bargaining experience.

At the outset, it’s important to recognize that negotiating by email is not the same as face-to-face (or even telephone) negotiation. Ignore this simple fact at your peril. There are several pitfalls to be aware of. But first let’s consider the benefits of this mode of bargaining. Email tends to give the illusion of insulation, allowing people to ask questions that may be more difficult face-to-face. Note that I’ve listed this under advantages although some would consider this a drawback. A less controversial benefit is that email negotiation can clearly save time and money as it avoids unnecessary travel required with face to face meetings. It reduces stress for many people as it allows for delayed response time with the corresponding ability to contemplate and measure your reaction/response. The immediate reaction time typically required in both face-to-face and telephone negotiations can be stressful and anxiety-inducing for many and so email can be a welcome relief from that pressure. Tied to that, the additional response time can avoid the risk of explosive outbursts or ill-considered quick deals.

And yet, it’s estimated that email negotiations end in impasse half the time and studies suggest less satisfaction in the process. Why is that? Potential for miscommunication is an obvious culprit. While words are a fundamental means of communicating, so too are body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and touch. All of these modes are necessary for effective communication and yet all of the latter communication modes are missing in email negotiations. Added to that is the absence of context. In other words, there is no information other than the words on the screen. There’s no ability to gauge reaction which can be a significant handicap (both in understanding the other party and in being understood yourself).

As a means of communication, email tends to elicit concise exchanges. People are less likely to engage in small talk or other personal exchanges, but rather, get straight to business. Absent potential softening that comes with in person exchanges, this style can often come across as terse, rude or confrontational. There tends to be higher likelihood of misreading tone and taking the message the wrong way. You’ve no doubt been at the giving or receiving end of this conundrum at some point.

In addition to the inadvertent communication mishaps, some suggest that there is a greater tendency to bluff and outright lie in email communications versus face to face encounters. The suggestion is that the screen offers a buffer that reduces accountability, empathy and concern about the bargaining counterpart’s reaction (much like cyber-bullying). Arguably, with this comes less focus on mutual interests and more focus on positional bargaining. It’s easier to say ‘no’ to a computer screen than a person. On this theory, decreased accountability also results in agreements that don’t last as parties may be more likely to back away from commitments made via email. This result may also arise as there is a tendency to prepare less for email negotiations. When not properly prepared, people are more likely to get caught with their pants down and end up making commitments that they later regret and try to back away from.

Privacy concerns also raise their ugly heads in email negotiations. Controlling access to emails can be challenging so you can never be sure who is reading the communications. Tied to that, emails constitute a permanent history of the exchange so you’re never sure who is being included in the communications. With blind copies and forwarding this holds true both during the discussions and after. Not surprisingly, this can inhibit open communications.

It also makes it harder to build rapport and trust (two key elements of the ARE FIT system). Needless to say, with inhibited trust or rapport comes decreased understanding and a corresponding increase in conflict. This can be the kiss of death to effective negotiations. A corollary to that is decreased opportunity for brainstorming and creativity.

So how do we offset these risks posed by email bargaining? t’s important to make a conscious effort to find ways to establish connection. Here’s a few quick tips to help in that regard:

1. If possible, try to meet in person before starting email negotiations. This allows the opportunity to get to know each other, observe non-verbal cues, gauge reactions to each other and in so doing, build rapport.
2. In the same vein, try to build in some phone calls and/or in person meetings at some point during protracted email negotiations if at all possible.
3. Make a conscious effort to personalize the communications and add human feeling and emotion where you can. Give the other party a sense of you personally and try to elicit the same from them. Seek out common ground where you can.
4. Don’t be afraid to express empathy, concern, doubt, etc. while still projecting optimism about the prospects of reaching a mutually satisfactory resolution.
5. Share personal stories or anecdotes and be sure to ask about their personal circumstances where appropriate. In other words, make small talk via email. Make the exchanges mimic ‘real life’ as much as possible.
6. Consider supplementing your email communications with other media.
7. At a minimum, make sure to have personalized greetings and sign-offs rather than being ‘all business’ right out of the gate.
8. Avoid ambiguities by making sure to ask questions early and as often as required. Also use this tactic to draw the other party into problem-solving mode.
9. Remember that email may seem rude when not intended so be intentional about not over-reacting and not responding ‘in kind’. Take a breath. Consider calling rather than emailing in response and/or to clarify. This allows you to try to keep the atmosphere positive.
10. As with any negotiation, be sure to properly prepare. Know your resistance point and BATNA going in.  Consider your strategy and what tactics you may use. Prepare for your concession strategy.

Email is not going away as a means of negotiation anytime soon, notwithstanding its drawbacks, so it’s important to neutralize those potential pitfalls where possible and maximize your opportunity for success. Fear not. All is not lost. Words alone can obviously be a powerful means of communication as is evidenced by the many classic books that make us feel deeply and move us in profound ways. Much like those classics, however, as the authors can attest, it just takes more care and more work. But if mastering this skill can give you an edge, it’s worth it, right?

What if your fears were really fear of your power? What if at their root, your fears were you shrinking away from the full force of that power? As Marianne Williamson said (even though her brilliant quote is often mis-credited to Martin Luther King):

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that brightens us. We ask ourselves ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?’ Actually who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

I’ve talked about the fact that all of life is a negotiation and so learning the art of negotiation may be the most important skill you ever master. I’ve talked about the fact that you first need to master the ability to negotiate with yourself. An integral element of that negotiation process is recognizing your fear for what it is. Knowing that you will not get rid of fear, or overcome it per se, but rather that you can learn to act in the face of your fear and use it as fuel to propel you to your next level.

What if you reframed your fear and used it as a source of empowerment? Let me use my recent pole climb as an example and metaphor for how you can negotiate past your fears. In Fiji this week, I was challenged to climb a (seemingly) never-ending pole that burst up into sky above our heads, as we craned our necks, contemplated the sheer madness of the venture. It didn’t help that the winds were howling, and the pole visibly swayed side to side under the force.

I consider myself the adventurous type and don’t usually like to admit to fear, but I confess I was anxious. The queasiness in my gut attested to that. It wasn’t a fear of heights or even a fear of falling. For me, the greater fear (I thought) was fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. What if I couldn’t pull myself up when I got to the top? What if I was the only one who couldn’t do it? What if I froze in front of everyone as they cheered me on and I couldn’t deliver? I started to invoke visualization techniques – to picture myself scaling up the spikes and staples with ease and standing strong and proud at the top of the pole. But then I thought, what if I made my desired outcome or purpose to climb without worrying about whether I’d succeed or not. To climb for the satisfaction in trying. To define success as the simple act of doing it, whether I made it to the top or not. And then I had an even more radical thought. What if my believed fear of failing wasn’t that at all, but something deeper. What if at some level I was afraid of my own strength and power?

Those reframes took the angst away. Losing the stories empowered me to trust in my infinite potential. Giving in to our fear paralyzes us from taking action. Confronting those fears head on and immediately is an important first step. Get in touch with them – raise your awareness. Name them. Then get curious – dig deeper to find your real source of fear, the root of the purported fear. Reframe it. Then move toward the fear, step into it, embrace it. Know your goal. Know your why. Breathe deeply. Get centered on the now. Find gratitude for whatever opportunity you’re offered and facing. Then just do it. Take action. Release control of the outcome and surrender to whatever will be. Focus on the next step as you move toward your goals. As soon as you do, the fears start to lose power. The reality doesn’t match your worst case scenario imaginings.

For my climb, I knew my goal (as crazy it may be) – to climb that pole and somehow pull myself up to balance on top of that dinner-plate-sized shaky circle. I named my fear – fear of failure and embarrassment. Then I raised my awareness, got curious and dug deeper to uncover the real root of my fears, which allowed me to reframe it. That reframe empowered me to take action. And then I climbed, spike by spike, and staple by staple, planting my foot, pulling myself up, just focusing on the next step. And then the next. Taking a breath will each hoist.

When I got to the top, perched awkwardly like a gangly stork on the top pegs, uncertain how to maneuver from that aerial squatting position to somehow getting a foot on top of the small circle and pressing up to stand to full height, I drew on the strength of the sisters below, shouting encouragement, reminding me of my strength, telling me I was unstoppable. Again, reframing (or maybe just recognizing) that the audience I so feared was in fact a source of power, took me to the top, where I stood on strong legs with arms outspread, taking in the bird’s eye view from on high. So here’s to you employing these simple tactics when you face your next fear. Enjoy the view from wherever that may be for you!

Last week we talked about how to effectively use concessions in bargaining. I realized from questions and comments I received that I may have put the cart before the horse. Because while the art of concession is undoubtedly an important part of the process, it’s important first to know your BATNA before going into any negotiation. And no, that’s not a typo for the shoe museum. BATNA is the acronym for Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. In other words, before you start to bargain, try to have a clear sense of what your options are if you don’t get a deal in that particular negotiation.

What do I mean by that? Let’s take the example of making a purchase (whether it’s for a car, major appliance, house or pair of shoes that you’ve fallen in love with). If you see an identical pair of shoes at two different stores and the price is lower at one, then, assuming they both have your size in stock, your BATNA is the store with the lower price. In other words, if you know store A has the shoes for $50 cheaper and store B won’t budge on price, you can walk away because you have a better option – a strong BATNA. But if store A didn’t have your size in stock, you can still use the price at store A as a BATNA when bargaining for a better price at store B but you may or may not want to walk away if you know you can’t actually get the shoes that day from store A. Or, what if store A was across town and it was an hour drive to get there, or $50 taxi ride to get there, or it was your last day in town and you didn’t have time to get back to store A? You get the idea. Store A may not actually be a better BATNA, so you may not want to walk away even if you can’t get the price dropped at store B. Make sense?

When you’re making a purchase, you’ll typically be looking at a number of factors. Price is the obvious usual suspect. So, if the item you’re looking to purchase has an offered price that’s above the price you know you can get elsewhere, then you have a strong BATNA (best alternative potentially available). I say potentially because there are other factors to consider in most cases (as demonstrated in the example above). People often get stuck on comparing only price and end up walking away when in fact their BATNA is not as strong as they initially thought.

Purchase of a car is an obvious example but it’s been overdone in the literature on this issue, so let’s consider another option to further explore this concept. If you’re bargaining for a washing machine (and yes, shopping for a car or washing machine is – or should be – a negotiation) you may find a machine for a price that looks attractive. For easy numbers (to show the concept) let’s say you saw machine A for $1000. You’re now looking at another machine (B) at a competitor for $1200. On its face, it looks like machine A is a better deal. Most articles talking about BATNA advise that if you’re negotiating for machine B, you know that machine A is your BATNA so if you can’t get the price for B below $1000 then you would walk away because your best alternative is better. This is helpful at its basic level to demonstrate the concept of BATNA but it does a disservice in terms of making you a better, more effective negotiator.

Focusing only on price is too narrow a view and will almost certainly bite you at some point. In fact, one of the problems in our society today is that we’ve all become so conditioned to look for best price above all else that production quality is dropping and it’s becoming more challenging to find long-lasting quality items at all (as manufacturers/suppliers/retailers who maintain quality get squeezed out, unable to compete with what I call the ‘Walmart’ mentality). But that’s a rant for another day.

On the issue of the BATNA for our current washing machine saga, however, price likely shouldn’t be your only consideration in determining your BATNA. Machine A may be $200 cheaper and seem like the better deal on its face, but machine B may have a better warranty, be a better, longer-lasting supplier, or have a special delicate cycle that’s missing in machine A which means you won’t have to hand-wash your intimates ever again. Surely that’s worth $200! And there’s the point. For me, not hand-washing my delicates would be worth $200, but for you maybe not.

BATNA is often personal. What constitutes a best alternative for you will depend on how you weigh the various factors at play. There’s no one right or wrong answer. Having said that, be sure to do your homework. What may seem like a great glittering BATNA at first glance may not be gold when you dig. Insurance is a great example of this. How many times have people been lured away from their current insurance provider on the promise of better premiums (BATNA) only to find that the quote they got was subject to a whack of conditions and the premium ends up being the same or worse at the end of day. Or maybe it turns out that the key coverage you need isn’t actually covered under the so-called better alternative.

Similarly, make sure your BATNA is real. If you have a job offer in hand and you’re trying to decide whether to accept it, or whether to negotiate for something more, you should ensure you’ve done your homework in advance where possible so you’re making decisions based on concrete, real alternatives – not vague hopes, dreams or expectations. Be careful not to give up a firm deal in hand for a potential BATNA in the proverbial bush.

BATNA’s can provide significant bargaining power when used effectively. Knowing you have alternatives available if the negotiation falls through gives leverage. It can help determine your reservation price (your bottom line). Because BATNA’s mean power in bargaining make sure you know (or at least consider and factor in) the other side’s BATNA as well.

How do you determine what your BATNA is? Ideally before any negotiation, contemplate, explore, and list all the alternatives available to you if the negotiation failed. Evaluate these options – consider and weigh the value of each to you. Pick the best of those options i.e. the one that would provide the best overall value to you. This is your best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). Now you can meaningfully set your bottom line. The more complicated the issue(s) you’re bargaining, the more layered your BATNA may become, but don’t panic as the principle stays the same.

Many a large, successful corporation has gone belly up because they over-estimated the strength of their BATNA and/or under-estimated the strength of the other side’s BATNA. Forewarned is forearmed. Now you’re forewarned.  Make sure this doesn’t happen to you.