Author: Cindy Watson

In the male-dominated world of corrections, where strength and authority are often the currencies of power, Jane Korosi’s story stands out as a testament to the power of feminine negotiation. I had the pleasure of interviewing Jane on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast. With experience in a maximum-security facility for male offenders, Jane’s journey is a masterclass in navigating tough environments with grace, resilience, and strategic thinking.

Breaking the Mold

Jane’s corrections career spanned roles on the frontline in every area, from admissions and discharge to segregation, dealing with offenders across all security levels. Her extensive experience in such a high-stakes environment honed her negotiation skills in ways few could imagine.

Jane didn’t just survive in this challenging environment—she thrived. Her ability to remain calm under pressure, combined with her strategic use of communication and empathy, allowed her to effectively manage situations many would find overwhelming. She demonstrates that being successful in male-dominated spaces doesn’t require adopting the aggressive tactics often associated with those environments. Instead, by leaning into her strengths as a woman—such as active listening, emotional intelligence, and adaptability—Jane carved out a unique and powerful path.

The Power of Crisis Negotiation

One of the most prestigious roles Jane held was as a crisis negotiator, which allowed her to use her unique skill set to de-escalate the most volatile situations in the correctional system. Being selected as a crisis negotiator marked her as someone who could handle extreme pressure while keeping a clear, focused mind.

In crisis situations, the stakes are incredibly high. The ability to communicate effectively, empathize with the other party, and find common ground can mean the difference between life and death. Jane’s approach to negotiation in these critical moments serves as an important reminder: sometimes, undervalued soft skills—like empathy, patience, and active listening—are the most powerful tools in our arsenal.

Tactical Empathy: Beyond Just Understanding

Empathy is not merely about understanding another person’s feelings; in negotiation, it’s about using that understanding to influence outcomes. Jane mastered this art in her role as crisis negotiator. By genuinely tuning into the emotions and motivations of those she negotiated with—whether an agitated inmate or a staff member under duress—she could craft responses that de-escalated tension and guided conversations towards productive resolutions.

Tactical empathy allowed Jane to negotiate from a place of strength without needing to exert dominance. This approach is particularly useful in environments where trust is low, and tensions high. Building rapport through empathy created a psychological edge, allowing Jane to steer negotiations in a favorable direction without resorting to force.

The Art of Listening: A Powerful Negotiation Tool

One of the cornerstones of Jane’s success was her ability to truly listen. This involves more than just hearing words; it’s about picking up on subtle cues, understanding what’s unsaid, and reading between the lines. This level of deep listening allows for anticipation of issues before they escalate and to address concerns in ways that felt personalized and thoughtful.

In negotiations, especially in high-stress environments like corrections, listening can be a game-changer. When people feel heard, they are more likely to open up and cooperate. Jane created space where even the most hardened individuals felt they had a voice. This  led to negotiation breakthroughs that others might not have achieved.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Negotiation

Emotional intelligence (EQ) was another key element in Jane’s negotiation toolkit. In corrections, where emotions can run high and situations change rapidly, the ability to manage her own emotions and those of others was crucial. Jane’s high EQ allowed her to stay calm and composed, even in the face of provocation, which in turn helped defuse potentially explosive situations.

Jane’s approach to negotiation underscores the importance of self-awareness and emotional regulation. This level of emotional maturity not only earned respect from her peers but also enabled her to handle complex negotiations with finesse.

Lessons for Everyday Negotiations

While few of us will find ourselves in the exact circumstances Jane faced, her experience offers valuable lessons for negotiating in any environment.

1. Strength in Empathy: In situations where brute force might seem like the answer, empathy can be the more effective tool. Understanding the other person’s perspective allows you to connect on a deeper level, facilitating smoother negotiations.
2. Strategic Patience: In high-pressure scenarios, the instinct might be to act quickly. However, taking a moment to assess the situation, understand all the variables, and approach with a calm mind can lead to better outcomes.
3. Communication is Key: Whether you’re in a boardroom or a crisis situation, clear and effective communication is crucial. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. Tone, body language, and timing all play vital roles in successful negotiations.
4. Flexibility in Approach: Jane’s roles required her to adapt constantly—whether she was dealing with a high-security inmate or managing a critical incident. Flexibility in your approach can make you more effective in negotiations, allowing you to pivot as needed to achieve your goals.
5. Listening as a Strategy: Deep listening is a powerful tool that can provide insights into the other party’s true motivations and concerns. By mastering the art of listening, you can create opportunities for mutual understanding and collaboration, leading to more successful outcomes.
6. Emotional Intelligence: Managing your emotions and understanding those of others can significantly impact the direction and outcome of negotiations. Cultivating emotional intelligence allows you to navigate complex situations with grace and effectiveness.

Breaking Down Barriers

Jane’s career is a powerful example of how you can excel by leveraging your feminine strengths. Her success as a crisis negotiator is a reminder that leadership and negotiation don’t always have to follow traditional, ‘masculine’ norms. Instead, embracing empathy, patience, and strategic thinking can break down barriers and create pathways for success in even the most challenging of environments.

When we think about negotiation, we often picture boardrooms, contracts, and high-stakes deals. But what if I told you that some of the most powerful negotiation lessons come not from the corporate world, but from the realm of parenting? After all, the daily dance of guiding, influencing, and sometimes persuading our children is, at its core, a series of negotiations. There are valuable lessons to learn here.

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Nathaniel Turner on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast, a TEDx speaker, author, and financial advisor who’s taken his share of lessons from both life’s hardships and the art of raising a child. His story serves as a powerful reminder that negotiation is an everyday practice, not confined to the professional sphere.

Let’s explore how you can elevate your negotiation game through parenting lessons.

The Power of Intention

Nathaniel’s journey began with a simple, yet profound intention: to be a better father than his own father. “I didn’t know exactly what that meant,” he confessed, “but I just knew I wanted to be better.” It’s critical to approach negotiations with clear intent? Whether we’re navigating a salary discussion, a business deal, or a conversation with a partner, starting with a clear intention can set the tone for the entire interaction.

In negotiation, as in parenting, your intention shapes your approach. Nathaniel didn’t just want to ‘win’ in his relationship with his child; he wanted to foster a better, more meaningful connection. In the same vein, entering a negotiation with the intention to build a lasting relationship or achieve a mutually beneficial outcome often leads to more positive results.

Know the End Before You Begin

Nathaniel advocates a ‘backward design template’ when negotiating parenting. He asks parents, ‘what are your most audacious hopes and dreams for your children?’ Once you determine that, ‘you can map a process to get you to that destination’. The same principle holds true in all negotiations.

Ideally, you want to consider what the desired outcome looks like before you start any negotiation. Then, as part of your preparation process, you consider the strategies and approaches that are most likely to get you where you want to go successfully. Create the ‘map’ to success. After all, you wouldn’t jump in the car to drive across the country for an important engagement without a map to get you there.

Rising Above Adversity

Nathaniel’s story is one of triumph over adversity. Having survived eight adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), he could have let those hardships define him. Instead, he used them as fuel to drive his mission of helping parents and children rise above their own challenges.

In negotiation, we all face our own versions of ACEs—setbacks, disappointments, and difficult counterparts. But just like Nathaniel, we have a choice: let these experiences hold us back or use them to propel us forward. Every challenge we face in negotiation can be an opportunity to learn, grow, and ultimately, achieve better outcomes.

Parenting as the Ultimate Negotiation

At its core, parenting is a continuous series of negotiations. Every day, parents negotiate with their children, balancing boundaries with freedom, guidance with independence. Nathaniel’s approach to parenting is rooted in the desire to help his child become the best version of themselves. This mirrors the mindset we should bring to the negotiation table: how can we help our counterparts reach their best outcomes while also achieving our own goals?

Nathaniel’s story is a reminder that effective negotiation isn’t about outmaneuvering the other party; it’s about collaboration, empathy, and the willingness to see the bigger picture. It’s about knowing when to stand firm and when to yield, all in the service of creating a better outcome for everyone involved.

Conclusion: Bringing it Home

Whether you’re a parent or not, the lessons Nathaniel shared offer a valuable perspective on negotiation. Start with intention, rise above adversity, and remember that the best negotiations are those where both parties walk away feeling like they’ve won. In the end, it’s not just about the deal on the table, but the relationships we build and the positive impact we can have on others’ lives.

So the next time you step into a negotiation—be it in the boardroom or the living room—think about how you can apply these parenting principles. You might just find that the skills you’ve honed in one area of your life can elevate your negotiation game across the board.

Negotiation is an art—a delicate dance between asserting your needs and understanding those of others. But when you’re negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic, that dance becomes even more intricate. In these situations, it’s not just about getting what you want; it’s about engaging with empathy, patience, and respect.

Here’s a few tips on how to navigate these sensitive negotiations with grace and effectiveness.

1. Knowledge is Power: Understand Their World

Before you enter into any negotiation, it’s crucial to understand the terrain. Preparation is a key ingredient to success. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are complex conditions that affect how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. Take time to educate yourself. Understanding the nature of their challenges will allow you to approach the conversation with the empathy it deserves. As Dr. Amador reminds us, “Understanding that their reality may differ from yours can help bridge the gap in communication.” Remember, your negotiation partner may be dealing with internal battles that are invisible to the naked eye.

1. Timing Matters: Pick Your Moment

Timing can be everything when negotiating with someone experiencing mental health challenges. For those with bipolar disorder, the fluctuations between manic, depressive, and stable states mean that some moments are better suited for negotiation than others. The same applies to someone with schizophrenia, who might experience periods of clarity interspersed with more difficult times. Aim to engage when they are in a stable state and be prepared to reschedule if the conversation isn’t going well.

Not only is timing important in choosing when to negotiate, but also within the negotiation. Know when to pause and when to push forward. Be sure to allow time for the other person to absorb and process what you say, to gather their own thoughts, and to respond in their time. Patience here is not just a virtue; it’s a necessity.

1. Simplicity is Key: Communicate Clearly

In any negotiation, clarity is crucial, but it’s especially important when mental health is a factor. Use direct, simple language. Avoid metaphors or abstract concepts that might lead to confusion. If something is essential, don’t hesitate to repeat it to ensure it’s understood. Checking in periodically with questions like, “Does that make sense?” or “Are we on the same page?” can help ensure that your message is being received as intended.

1. Empathy First: Listen with Heart

The cornerstone of any successful negotiation is active listening. When negotiating with someone who has bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, listening becomes even more critical. Let them share their thoughts and feelings without interruption. Acknowledge their emotions and validate their experiences. This isn’t about agreeing with everything they say; it’s about showing that you respect and value their perspective. Empathy is the bridge that can turn a difficult negotiation into a productive dialogue.

1. No F.E.A.R.: Bring the Power of the No F.E.A.R. Model to the Table

Adopt my No F.E.A.R. model as part of your preparation process to help get best outcomes. In advance of the negotiation, consider (i) what fears both you and the other person are likely to bring to the table and how can you best redress them; (ii) how is ego likely to show up for you and the other party and how can you surrender your ego and instead come from a place of curiosity; (iii) what items or ideas or outcomes are you (and they) likely to be too attached to and how can you show up with and encourage more flexibility; and (iv) what triggers are likely to cause reactivity and take things off track (for both you and the other person) and how can you avoid such triggering reactivity.

1. Set Boundaries: Protect Your Space

While it’s essential to be compassionate, it’s equally important to set clear boundaries. Know your limits and don’t be afraid to articulate them. If the conversation becomes too intense, take a break. Revisit the discussion when emotions have cooled. Safety—both emotional and physical—should always be a priority. If the negotiation becomes unsafe or unmanageable, it’s okay to step back and seek appropriate supports.

1. Don’t Go It Alone: Lean on Support

Negotiation doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. In situations where mental health is a factor, consider involving a third party, such as a therapist or mediator, who can help facilitate the conversation. They can provide a neutral perspective and ensure that both sides feel heard. Professional guidance can also help tailor your approach, making the negotiation more effective and less stressful for everyone involved.

1. Flexibility Wins: Be Ready to Adapt

Negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic often requires a flexible mindset. Things might not go as smoothly or as quickly as you’d like. Be prepared to adapt your approach as the situation evolves. Flexibility isn’t about giving in; it’s about finding creative solutions that respect the other person’s needs while still advocating for your own.

1. Follow Through: Keep the Dialogue Open

Negotiation doesn’t end when the conversation does. Follow up with your partner to ensure that the agreement is working for both of you. Open, ongoing communication can prevent misunderstandings and help maintain the relationship. Check in regularly and be mindful of any changes in their mental health that might require you to revisit the discussion.

1. Self-Care: Don’t Forget About You

Finally, remember that negotiating in these circumstances can be emotionally draining. It’s essential to take care of yourself, too. Make time to decompress, seek support if needed, and prioritize your own well-being. You can’t pour from an empty cup—so fill yours up first.

 

Negotiating with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic is about more than just finding a solution. It’s about approaching the conversation with compassion, respect, and a willingness to understand their unique perspective. With these strategies, you can navigate even the most challenging negotiations with grace and confidence to get the best possible outcomes for all.

All my kids have flown the coop. My daughter moved into her new digs in the city last weekend and the boys both moved out shortly before that. It’s been a strange adjustment. There’s an unsettling quiet that I’m not used to yet. I know I’m not alone in this bittersweet transition. Every parent deals with empty nest at some point.

As parents, we invest years of our lives nurturing, guiding, and loving our children, helping them grow into the adults they’re meant to become. But what happens when they finally spread their wings and fly? The day they leave home—whether for college, a new job, or to start their own family—can hit us harder than expected. We tend to forget the many hair-pulling and hair-raising moments that had us unsure which way was up and create a Hallmark version of our perceived loss.

This is the essence of empty nest syndrome, a time of transition that can bring a mix of emotions, from pride and excitement to profound loss and uncertainty. But just as we’ve navigated the twists and turns of parenthood, we can also negotiate our way through this new phase with grace, intention, and yes, a touch of creativity.

Here’s a few suggestions on how to embrace this new chapter and find fulfillment in the empty nest.

Negotiate Your Mindset: Acknowledge Your Feelings and Open Up

First things first: give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Recognize that the full range of emotions are valid, whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief, or even guilt for feeling relieved. Acknowledge them without judgment. Empty nesting is a significant change, and it’s natural to experience a sense of loss.

But don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, friends, or a trusted confidant. Open, honest communication is crucial. Share your fears, hopes, and concerns. Bring your feelings into the light so you can better understand and manage them, rather than letting them fester in the dark corners of your mind.

Negotiate Your New Identity: Rediscover and Reinvent Yourself

For years, your identity may have been tied to being a parent. Now, it’s time to rediscover who you are outside that role. What passions did you put on hold while raising your kids? Was there a hobby you loved but never had time to pursue? Now is your moment to dive back in.

Or perhaps there’s something entirely new you’ve always wanted to explore. Whether it’s taking up painting, writing a book, traveling, or learning a new language, now is the perfect time to invest in yourself. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. This is your time to grow. Embrace new roles and opportunities, personally and professionally.

Negotiate Your Intimate Relationship: Reignite the Spark with Your Partner

Empty nest syndrome doesn’t just affect you—it also impacts your relationship with your partner. Suddenly, it’s just the two of you again, without the daily distractions of kids and their busy schedules. This can seem daunting, but it can also be a gift, offering a chance to reconnect on a deeper level.

Start by revisiting what brought you together in the first place. Plan date nights, do weekend getaways, or simply enjoy quiet evenings creating new dreams for the future. It’s an opportunity to rediscover each other and maybe even fall in love all over again.

And, so as not to be accused of being too Pollyanna about this, you may find you’ve grown so far apart that nothing tethers you together anymore. If you’ve tried the suggestions above and it’s clear it isn’t a kneejerk reaction to empty nest, but rather, an insurmountable gap, then I invite you to consider the world of possibilities that may exist for you embarking on a fresh start.

Negotiate Your Connections: Expand Your Social Circle

With the kids gone, you might find that your social life shifts. This can be an exciting time to expand your horizons. Strengthen existing friendships and/or make new ones by getting involved in activities you enjoy. Join clubs, take classes, or participate in community events.

Don’t underestimate the power of a strong support network. Consider joining or forming a group for other empty nesters. Sharing experiences, strategies, and a few laughs with others going through the same thing can be empowering.

Negotiate Space: Focus on Personal Growth and Reflection

This period of transition offers a unique opportunity for introspection. Consider taking up mindfulness or meditation practices to help you stay grounded during this time. Mindfulness can keep you connected to your inner self and help you navigate this new chapter with clarity and calm.

Journaling about your feelings and reflections can also be a powerful tool, offering insights that help you process this life change. If you’re struggling more than you expected, don’t hesitate to seek out therapy. There’s no shame in getting support to help you through this adjustment.

Negotiate Next Steps: Plan for the Future

Take time to revisit and revise your plans for the future. With the kids out of the house, your financial priorities might shift. Perhaps it’s time to relocate to a place that better suits your current lifestyle.

Create a vision for this next chapter. What do you want it to look like? What goals do you have for yourself and your relationship? Setting intentions can help guide you through this transition.

Embrace the Empty Nest Adventure

Empty nest syndrome is not the end—it’s a new beginning. By negotiating this transition with intention and creativity, you can embrace this next chapter with confidence and excitement. Remember, this is your time to rediscover, reconnect, and reimagine your life. The nest may be empty, but your life can be fuller than ever.

In today’s global world, we’re more connected than ever before. Yet, despite this interconnectivity, we often find ourselves entrenched in our own beliefs, seeking out information that confirms what we already think we know. This is the essence of confirmation bias – a powerful force that shapes our perceptions and interactions. We’re seeing this kind of bias play out on stages around the world today. If you’re being ruthlessly honest with yourself, I’d wager that you’re guilty of acting out based on your own confirmation biases. I know I am.

If we’re to foster deeper connections and richer personal experiences, it’s essential to recognize and overcome this bias. Here are some actionable strategies to help you do just that.

1. Reflect on Your Beliefs

The first step in overcoming confirmation bias is acknowledging its presence. I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own beliefs and consider how they might influence your perceptions. Keeping a bias journal, where you note instances when you realize your biases have influenced your thoughts or actions, can be a powerful tool in mitigating the effects of confirmation bias.

For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us found ourselves in echo chambers, consuming information that reinforced our pre-existing beliefs about vaccine efficacy and safety. With the benefit of a little distance now, it’s worth re-examining how your biases may have shaped how you showed up and interacted during the pandemic.

1. Seek Out Diverse Perspectives

Diversity enriches our lives and broadens our horizons. Make a conscious effort to engage with people who hold different views from your own. Political polarization (as is especially evident in the United States today) is a prime example of how confirmation bias can divide us. By seeking out and understanding opposing viewpoints, we can reduce polarization and foster more constructive discourse. Note that this doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but really listening to and understanding their perspectives can challenge your own assumptions and promote growth.

1. Practice Active Listening

In conversations, aim to truly understand the other person’s point of view rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening involves paying full attention, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting back what you’ve heard. This not only helps in overcoming biases but also strengthens relationships. For example, in discussions about social justice movements like Black Lives Matter, practicing active listening can help us understand diverse perspectives and experiences, promoting empathy, connection and deeper insights.

1. Question Your Assumptions

Challenge yourself to question your assumptions regularly. When you encounter new information, ask yourself whether you are accepting it because it aligns with your beliefs or because it is backed by solid evidence. Playing devil’s advocate with your own ideas can help uncover hidden biases and lead to more balanced thinking.

1. Embrace Uncertainty

Life is complex, and rarely are issues black and white. Embrace the uncertainty and be open to the possibility that your current understanding might be incomplete or even incorrect. This openness allows you to adapt and grow as you encounter new information and experiences. For instance, the debate over climate change often suffers from confirmation bias, with individuals consuming information that supports their pre-existing views. By embracing uncertainty and seeking out diverse scientific opinions, we can form a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.

1. Create a Balanced Information Diet

In our digital age, it’s easy to fall into reverberating silos where our existing beliefs are constantly reinforced. To counter this, diversify your information sources. Follow news and media from a variety of perspectives. This balanced approach will provide a more comprehensive view of the world and help reduce the impact of confirmation bias. In the context of economic policies, such as minimum wage increases or tax reforms, acknowledging and examining a range of analyses can lead to more nuanced and effective discussions.

1. Foster Empathy

Empathy is a powerful tool in overcoming biases. Put yourself in others’ shoes and try to understand their motivations and feelings. Empathy can reduce prejudice and foster more meaningful connections. In political and social debates, such as those around social justice or healthcare, empathy can bridge divides and promote understanding.

1. Engage in Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness can help increase self-awareness and reduce automatic, biased reactions. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, and mindful reflection can create space for more thoughtful responses and help you become more aware of your biases in the moment.

1. Seek Feedback

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback from trusted friends, family and even (and especially) those who hold differing beliefs. They can provide valuable insights into how your biases might be affecting your interactions and decisions. Constructive feedback can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

1. Commit to Continuous Learning

Overcoming confirmation bias is an ongoing process. Commit to lifelong learning and stay informed about cognitive biases and critical thinking. Attend workshops, read books, and engage in discussions that challenge your thinking and promote intellectual growth.

Final Thoughts

Overcoming confirmation bias in our personal lives isn’t just about becoming more informed – it’s about cultivating deeper, more meaningful relationships and experiences. By actively working to recognize and counteract our biases, we open ourselves up to a richer, more nuanced understanding of the world and the people around us. Let’s commit to this journey of growth and connection together.

Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s close to many of our hearts but often swept under the rug: navigating past family trauma. Whether it’s from past hurts, childhood experiences, or ongoing family dynamics, trauma can sneak up on us and impact our lives in unexpected and destructive ways. Are you open to explore how we can understand, address, and ultimately heal from family trauma to become better negotiators and, more importantly, happier and healthier individuals.

What is Family Trauma Anyway?

First off, let’s define the beast. Family trauma can stem from various sources (whether abuse, neglect, addiction, mental illness, etc.). These experiences can leave deep scars, affecting our emotional well-being and behavior long after the events have passed.

Recognizing the Signs

Trauma isn’t always easy to spot. Often, we’re in denial about our past traumas. Even when that’s not the case, it can hide in emotional triggers or behavioral patterns. Do you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs or, conversely, jumping into it headfirst? Do certain situations leave you feeling disproportionately anxious or angry? These might be signs of unresolved trauma.

Preparing for Negotiation

Self-Awareness is Key

Understanding how your trauma influences your negotiation style is the first step. Are you a people-pleaser, afraid to say no? Or perhaps you’re overly aggressive, fearing loss of control? Recognize these patterns and remind yourself that they’re just that—patterns, not fixed traits.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Learn to say ‘no’ without guilt. Establish what you’re comfortable with and stick to it. Boundaries are crucial for maintaining your well-being and fostering respectful negotiations.

Seek Professional Support

Don’t hesitate to seek help from therapists or counselors. They can provide tools to navigate your trauma and develop healthier coping strategies.

Apply the No F.E.A.R. Model

My No F.E.A.R. model is ideal for combatting trauma-related approaches. If you incorporate this model as part of your regular negotiation preparation you’ll be well ahead of the curve and ready to get better outcomes, not driven by past trauma. Grab your free copy of my e-book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating.

Communication Strategies

Active Listening

One of the best ways to negotiate past trauma is by truly listening. Active listening helps you understand the other person’s perspective and shows them you value their input. It’s a powerful way to build trust and empathy.

Empathy and Compassion

Speaking of empathy, bring it into your negotiations. Understand that everyone has their own struggles and pains. Approach discussions with compassion, and you’ll find that people are often more willing to meet you halfway. It’s also a valuable way to decrease ego and reactivity – for you and the other party.

Assertive Communication

Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means expressing your needs and wants clearly and respectfully. Practice stating your points without blaming or shaming the other person.

Healing and Moving Forward

Forgiveness and Letting Go

Forgiveness can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s essential for healing. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and, if possible, forgive those who hurt you. It doesn’t mean condoning their actions but releasing the hold they have over you.

Building New Patterns

Start small. Replace old, unhealthy patterns with new, positive ones. Practice responding calmly rather than reacting impulsively. Over time, these new patterns will become second nature.

Create a Support Network

Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or even support groups. Having a network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to stay on track.

Practical Negotiation Tips

Preparation and Planning

Always come prepared. Know what you want to achieve and have a plan. Preparation reduces anxiety (and with it emotional responses and reactivity) and increases confidence, allowing you show up as the best version of yourself.

Focus on Interests, Not Positions

Instead of fixating on specific outcomes (positions), focus on the underlying reasons (interests). This approach opens the space to find more creative and mutually beneficial solutions, avoiding becoming too attached to one’s position.

Adopt a Problem-Solving Approach

Shift from a win-lose mentality to a problem-solving mindset. See negotiation as a collaborative effort to resolve issues rather than a battle to be won. You’ll be surprised at the power of combining brainpower versus pitting it against each other.

Real-Life Stories

Let’s not forget the power of personal stories. Hearing how others have navigated past their trauma can be incredibly inspiring. Make a point of reading (or watching) stories about others who have overcome trauma in their lives and learn from their journeys (i.e. what to avoid, what to embrace, etc.). These stories remind us that healing is possible and that we’re not alone in our struggles.

Final Thoughts

Negotiating past family trauma isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s a continuous journey of self-awareness, healing, and growth. But with the right tools and mindset, you can transform past pains into strengths and navigate your way to healthier, happier relationships and more effective negotiations.

Remember, you’re not just negotiating deals—you’re negotiating your path to a brighter, more empowered future.

Until next time, stay strong and stay compassionate!

With both Independence Day and Canada Day in our rear view mirrors this week, it got me thinking about nationalism and national pride. In particular, I was contemplating how the principles of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ could be invoked to create a new kind of nationalism – one that embraces empathy, collaboration and growth over old competitive models that don’t serve us.

In our increasingly interconnected world, the traditional approach to nationalism—rooted in the competitive mindset of “We’re the best”—can lead to unnecessary conflict and division. As individuals, we have the power to redefine what nationalism means, shifting our focus from competition to empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement. By asking, “How can we be better?” we can contribute to a more harmonious and inclusive society.

Understanding Traditional Nationalism

Traditional nationalism, with its fervent flag-waving and face-painting, often emphasizes superiority and competition, leading to a sense of division and exclusivity. This approach can foster xenophobia, inhibit cultural exchange, and create tensions both within and between nations. To build a more inclusive and peaceful world, I invite you to reimagine your personal approach to nationalism.

The Need for a Personal Shift

In a globalized society, clinging to outdated notions of competitive nationalism is counterproductive. Instead, what if we embraced a more empathetic and collaborative form of nationalism to help us connect with others, understand diverse perspectives, and work together to solve common challenges?

Principles for a New Personal Nationalism

In considering this issue, it struck me that the principles needed to embrace a new kind of nationalism are those I’ve been advocating from the Art of Feminine Negotiation. Here’s a few practical principles you can apply to kickstart your new brand of personal nationalism.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

• Practicing Empathy: Take the time to understand and appreciate the experiences and perspectives of people from different cultures and backgrounds.
• Emotional Intelligence: Use emotional intelligence to navigate conversations about national identity, fostering understanding and reducing conflict.

Active Listening and Communication

• Active Listening: Engage in active listening during discussions about national and cultural issues, ensuring that everyone feels heard and respected.
• Effective Communication: Communicate openly and respectfully about national pride, focusing on commonalities rather than differences.

Flexibility and Adaptability

• Being Open to Change: Be open to new ideas and perspectives and be willing to adapt your views on nationalism as you learn and grow.
• Embracing Cultural Exchange: Embrace opportunities for cultural exchange, learning from the experiences and traditions of others.

Patience and Persistence

• Long-term Commitment: Commit to the long-term process of fostering a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism.
• Persistence in Dialogue: Stay engaged in conversations about national identity, even when they are challenging, to promote understanding and unity.

Collaboration and Teamwork

• Collaborative Efforts: Participate in community initiatives that promote cultural diversity and international cooperation.
• Building Relationships: Build relationships with people from different cultural backgrounds, strengthening social cohesion.

Balance and Fairness

• Fairness in Perspective: Strive for fairness in your views and discussions about national identity, acknowledging both strengths and areas for improvement.
• Balanced Approach: Maintain a balanced approach to nationalism, celebrating your country’s achievements while recognizing its challenges and areas for growth.

Practical Steps for Individuals

Education: Educate yourself about global issues and the histories and cultures of other nations. This can broaden your perspective and foster a more inclusive sense of nationalism.

Community Involvement: Get involved in community projects that promote cultural diversity and understanding. Volunteering with organizations that support immigrants and refugees is a great way to start.

Mindful Media Consumption: Be mindful of the media you consume. Seek out sources that provide balanced and nuanced views of different countries and cultures and be wary of content that promotes divisiveness.

Travel and Cultural Exchange: Travel, if possible, to experience other cultures firsthand. Engage in cultural exchange programs and events to learn and share with people from different backgrounds.

Positive National Conversations: Encourage positive conversations about national identity in your social circles. Focus on how your country can grow and improve rather than just highlighting its superiority.

Personal Reflection and Engagement

Reflecting on our personal views of nationalism and considering how we can contribute to a more positive and collaborative national identity is crucial. Here are some questions to consider:

• How do I currently view my national identity, and how might this perspective impact others?
• What steps can I take to promote a more inclusive and empathetic form of nationalism in my daily life?
• How can I encourage my friends and family to adopt a similar approach?

Moving Forward

This new approach requires a surrendering of ego. Contrary to our conditioned perspectives that this would constitute weakness, a new imagined nationalism would recognize these skills as strengths.

By adopting the principles of empathy, collaboration, and continuous improvement, we can redefine nationalism on a personal level. This shift allows us to connect more deeply with others, celebrate our shared humanity, and work together towards a better future. As individuals, we have the power to influence and inspire those around us, contributing to a more peaceful and inclusive world.

Let’s embrace this new form of nationalism and strive to be better, not just the best.

In the intricate dance of negotiations, language serves as both a tool and a battleground, particularly when it comes to gender. Negotiation is not just about the exchange of contractual terms and figures; it is also deeply influenced by how individuals communicate, and these communication patterns can vary based on gender-conditioning.

Nuances embedded within linguistic choices can profoundly shape the outcome of negotiations, reflecting and perpetuating societal norms and power dynamics. Whether it is the subtle differences in tone or through the manifestation of gender stereotypes, language often becomes a vehicle for reinforcing existing biases or challenging them.

The tendency for men to employ more direct language in negotiations can convey confidence and authority, which may influence how their messages are perceived by counterparts. Employing the use of clear and assertive language often translates to a sense of decisiveness. Conversely, women tend to use more indirect language in negotiations. While this approach can be seen as diplomatic and considerate, it may sometimes be perceived as less assertive or confident compared to direct communication styles.

These language nuances and conventions are not solely influenced by individual preferences but are also shaped by broader societal and cultural norms. Expectations and stereotypes associated with gender roles may inadvertently impact how individuals communicate during negotiations.

However, effective negotiation isn’t about conforming to rigid stereotypes but rather about leveraging communication strategies that resonate with the specific context and counterpart. It’s about being adaptable, aware, and responsive to the dynamics at play. In a negotiation where gender biases may influence perceptions, individuals can overcome challenges by promoting open dialogue and mutual understanding.

The first step to overcoming these gender-conditioned approaches is awareness. It’s one of the reasons I started my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ book discussing the problems of social conditioning and its impact on bargaining approaches and outcomes. It’s important to be intentional about our approach to negotiation. This intentionality requires both self-awareness and societal conditioning awareness.

Understanding these linguistic differences, for example, is crucial for negotiators. By recognizing and adapting to these tendencies, negotiators can strategically align their communication styles with the desired negotiation objectives. For instance, women negotiators might consider incorporating more direct language when clarity and assertiveness are paramount in a negotiation context. And men may be better served by leaning in to so-called ‘softer’ approaches to get more creative outcomes.

Enhancing awareness and skill is important in improving negotiation strategies for all genders. For example, practicing different communication styles and learning to navigate biases can equip negotiators with tools to communicate more effectively. But, navigating this and challenging biases can be a difficult journey.

Inherent and individual nature certainly affects choices made in dialogue. For example, a man who is soft-spoken or has a natural gentle demeanor may be perceived as less confident or decisive because his behaviour does not fit into typical expectations of how men act. On the other side, a woman who is more direct or resolute in her use of language may be seen as callous or aggressive because she does not fit typical social perceptions. Before my epiphany I fell into this latter category. My clients called me the ‘Barracuda’ for approaches that would have been considered unremarkable in my male colleagues.

The pressures of social norms may force individuals to fight against their inherent nature in order to fit imposing standards. However, authentic and genuine communication become a common forgotten skill when adhering to societal conventions of language. Acknowledging these gender-based communication tendencies is essential for navigating interpersonal interactions effectively.

In negotiations the choice of language can significantly influence perceptions of credibility and competence. The approach of genuine conversation and attitudes instead of using facades can positively impact negotiation styles and foster a more harmonious environment. Trust is critical in any negotiation. Authenticity is key to build this necessary trust.

Ultimately, successful negotiation hinges on effective communication that fosters mutual understanding and agreement. Ongoing research into gender and language in negotiation informs best practices for promoting equity and inclusivity. For instance, studies on negotiation strategies that account for diverse communication styles can offer practical insights for improving negotiation outcomes and fostering respectful dialogue among negotiators. By embracing diverse communication styles and navigating gender-based language tendencies thoughtfully, negotiators can enhance their ability to achieve favorable outcomes while fostering constructive dialogue and relationships in the negotiating arena.

The new highly anticipated Netflix series, “A Man in Full”, demonstrates the desperate need for a new reframe on negotiation success. In fact, watching the show last night reminded me why I launched my mission for the Art of Feminine Negotiation. ™

While the series should play as a parody of masculine toxicity, sadly, it rings true for much of what passes as strong leadership these days. Whether it’s the business tycoon, the banking hotshot, the simpering loans officer, the mayor, or legal counsel, the male leads can hardly be called protagonists. Each in their own way are antagonists or antiheros, displaying behaviour that is neither acceptable nor productive.

The men in the show put on a full-on display of toxic masculine conditioning run amok. Not surprisingly, there is an inordinate amount of references to balls and pricks with a corresponding number of F-bombs or derivatives thereof thrown into the mix. The language reflects the behaviour.

The men brag about their relative abilities to ‘kick another man’s ass’ (both literally and figuratively) and are hell-bent on destruction of their ‘opponents’. Ego and testosterone abound in virtually every interaction between the males in the show. As in real life, this does not end well.

Respect and dignity are not a factor in their negotiations. In fact, the over-riding goal in almost every negotiation featured appears to be the humiliation and belittling of the other side. Brutish bullying seems to be the go-to modus operandi even when it’s to the character’s detriment.

Winning is everything, but unfortunately their concepts of winning do not allow for best outcomes. Taking the most aggressive path is always chosen even when it doesn’t best serve the party taking that approach. Charlie Croker (played by Jeff Daniels) brags that ‘I may be a sore loser sometimes, but I’m a vicious winner’ as if this is a sign of his superior business acumen.

Don’t get me wrong. The production is fabulous, and the acting is exceptional. It’s the message I take issue with. I expect the hope is that the audience will see the folly in the traditional competitive and polarizing approach to negotiating (in business and life) and choose a better path – a more collaborative, creative path to a better future. Heck, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ – to truly seek to understand and meet the needs of the other party in our interactions and negotiations. But I fear that the audience will take away the opposite lesson, believing that emulating this toxic, divisive behaviour is somehow a sign of power and success.

Allow me to spin some better lessons to take away from the show:

1. Surrender ego for better negotiated outcomes. Bumper-car egos are an impediment to good negotiating. Parking ego when approaching a negotiation will virtually always make space for better resolutions.
2. Build rapport and trust and with it, better results. Effective negotiation is all about connection. Personalized attacks destroy the possibility of connection that allows for bigger and better opportunities.
3. Empathy is key to getting to the heart of the matter and opening space for unexpected wins for all.
4. Holding all your cards to your chest (rather than allowing for transparency and vulnerability) may preclude your ability to find the real deal.
5. Be willing to be flexible. Staying too attached to one particular outcome precludes your ability to see better possibilities lying on the table for the having.
6. Aggressiveness is not the same as assertiveness. The former shows a lack of confidence in your knowledge of the subject whereas the latter comes from effective preparation and intention in showing up as the best version of yourself.
7. Curiosity is more effective than bullying in negotiations.
8. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. Shutting down either is not an effective way to get your best result.
9. Integrity matters in negotiation and in life. I mean this in both sense of the word. Sacrificing our moral code inevitably backfires as does coming from a place not in keeping with our core values.
10. Machismo is not strength. In fact, the so-called ‘soft skills’ are the strongest way to best outcomes.

It’s that time of the year again. Another season change, and with it the daily uncertainty of how to dress … and more. As I’ve struggled with simple decisions during the long transition from winter to spring, it struck me that there are lessons to be learned from this quarterly dance that could improve negotiation success. I thought I’d share them with you.

One of the foundational elements of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system is my A.R.E. F.I.T (just think you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator) model. It’s a simple mnemonic representing the key skills you need to bring to the table to get best negotiated outcomes: Assertiveness, Rapport Building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust.

Surprisingly, these skills apply whether navigating season changes or negotiating high stakes deals. Let’s unpack them.

 

Assertiveness:

Most people confuse assertiveness with aggression. They’re not the same thing. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s simple really.

Rather than railing at Mother Nature about unexpected elements during season changes (like a major dump of snow the day after you swapped out your snow tires with regular tires), instead do a little preparation. Check the forecasts, consider historical patterns, calculate the pros and cons of early versus late switchover (i.e. wear on your snow tires from dry pavement versus an accident from no traction with regular tires). Ultimately you need to make a decision, knowing it may work out as planned, but it may not.

This is much like the decision-making process in traditional negotiations. Unexpected elements arise. We can try to bully and bluster our way through these changes (typically to no avail other than damaging relationships and with it outcomes), or we can do the preparation necessary to make informed decisions, remaining open to the potential need to pivot when things move in a different direction.

 

Rapport-Building

I invite you to introduce yourself to each new season. Embrace it. Discover it. Show up with curiosity. Connect. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Build a relationship with each new stage. This approach will almost certainly allow for a better experience.

Similarly, in your negotiations, don’t treat the other party as the enemy. Don’t think of them (or their ideas or proposals) as something to ‘get through’ until you can impose your will. Be intentional about building rapport. Negotiation is all about relationship and connection.

 

Empathy

It’s easy to get frustrated with the changes each new season brings. From the frogs hopping haphazardly on the roadways with spring rainfalls (making nighttime driving an adventure), to the bugs splatting against your windshield or vying for your blood, it’s easy to resent them. I get it. But what if, instead, you put yourself in their shoes? Imagine how challenging their lives are, struggling to survive their too-short time on Earth. Recognize their contribution to the eco-system and how everything falls apart without the diversity they offer. Your tolerance will rise and your frustration fall.

Likewise, in negotiations, the key to greater success is truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party. Listen and learn. Adopt their perspective to broaden your own. It will profoundly change your experience and your outcomes.

 

Flexibility

Be prepared to be flexible during change of seasons. You may leave in the morning with frost on the ground and a bitter wind biting through your clothing, only to be sweating in your aptly named sweater by lunchtime. Wear layers. Bring a change of clothing. Be flexible to the need to shift.

Negotiations are no different. The other party may not show up as expected. Positions may change. Either theirs or your situation may shift. It’s important to remain flexible and open to new possibilities that may present and to find the golden opportunity in these unexpected shifts.

 

Intuition

Sometimes, even with all the preparation in the world, you just need to tap into your intuition. If you’re dying to enjoy the back deck but your intuition tells you that a whopper of a storm with gale-force winds is coming, maybe you don’t put out the patio furniture and cushions today.

This skill is often ignored or undervalued in negotiations as well. Trust your instincts. If your spidey-sense is sending off alarm bells about the trustworthiness of your bargaining counterpart, trust it! Sometimes quick decisions need to be made in negotiations. If so, slow your breathing, close your eyes, and connect with your intuition.

 

Trust

Nature can seem haphazard – sometimes even cruel. But there is an order to the seeming chaos. Nature is efficient. There is little waste or excess. Virtually everything serves a purpose and works in near perfect synchronicity. Trust it. Respect it.

In our real-world negotiations, it’s also critical to earn trust and respect. Show up with integrity. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. Protect your reputation. Keep your word.

 

As you settle in to the changes this spring brings from your corner of the world, seek to fully enjoy the experience. Be intentional in your daily negotiations and in your daily navigation of the season changes. In that way, you can position yourself to negotiate your best life.