Category: Entrepreneurship

Famed political scientist Harold Lasswell once described power as the ability to decide “who gets what, when and how.”

Such a definition suggests there will always be someone more powerful than you. It could be your boss, or investors, or someone you want to do business with. There will always be someone who has something you want, and you must negotiate with them to get it.

So, when it comes to negotiations, you need to work out where YOU are situated on that power spectrum. For those of you who are lamenting that you are at the bottom end of it, fear not. There are many ways you can negotiate while still achieving your goals and keeping the relationship cordial between you and the other party.

Firstly, you need to delve into your psychology. While the person you’re negotiating with may be more powerful than you, if they have something you want, it doesn’t make them superior. It also doesn’t make them smarter, or their time more valuable than yours, or mean that they are more deserving of being heard.

This is where self-limiting beliefs can come into play.

Self-limiting beliefs are assumptions or perceptions that you’ve got about yourself and about the way the world works. They are “self-limiting” because they’re holding you back from achieving what you are capable of.

If you grew up in a neglectful environment, you may be more likely to have toxic beliefs about yourself.

But note that even if you grew up in a loving home, you can still end up with self-limiting beliefs. For example, parents who jump in to defend you from every enemy can leave you with the belief that you’re not capable of resolving your own problems. So, if you have this mindset going into negotiation against someone you believe to be more powerful than you, you are already setting yourself up for failure.

The way to get off this train of negativity is by not going into the negotiation with an adversarial mindset. If you let go of self-limiting beliefs, you will see yourself as your counterparts’ equal, then you can look at how to solve the problem together.

Let’s now look at ways you can take your negotiation forward and win when going up against someone or some business that is more powerful than you.

Five Tactics You Can Use to Negotiate With Someone More Powerful Than You

  1.   Control the Conversation by Using Framing

Framing is a technique that relates to how the way you describe your offer strongly affects how others view it. Framing is also how you can create a conversation around a specific point of the problem.

Did you know people tend to resist compromises — and to declare impasse — when these compromises are framed as losses rather than gains?

Here is an example: Suppose a company offers you, as a recruit, a $20,000 increase over your current salary of $100,000.

Now, if the offer is presented to you in that fashion, rather than as a $30,000 decrease from your request of a $150,000 salary, it seems much more appealing. Here, the company is focusing on presenting the advantage rather than the disadvantage. The salary increase is a gain. The fact it is less that you asked for, is a loss. This is how framing can change the way your negotiation is heard by the other party. Stressing what the other party would gain rather than lose can be an important use of framing in negotiation.

Another use of framing is using the “yes and yes” response. For example, you might be negotiating over a start date for changes to be made within a company. You say, “Do you want to start implementing these changes at the end of the quarter, or do you want to do it at the end of the month? Your choice.”

Those two last words are much more emphatic and certain than, “What do you think?”

  2.   Give and Give Again

When it comes to negotiation, it’s simply not the done thing to give things away. However, if you offer expertise and solutions, you will be seen as someone who is genuinely there to help. This does not mean give away what you are there to negotiate. Rather, it’s all about leverage.

Let’s look at the example of a vitamin water brand that is giving away free bottles of water — but when you are given one, you are asked to fill out a survey.

Compare this to being asked to “spare some change.” Which option are you more receptive to? They’re both pitching for your attention. And it would be less time consuming to hand over some change. The difference is you are getting something back in return for completing the survey. Being willing to give makes a difference in a power negotiation dynamic.

  3.   Be Firm and Use Gentle Strength

In my program Feminine Art of Negotiation, I discuss being assertive when it comes to negotiation. However, I also stress that you need to do this without resorting to aggression. This is where you can use gentle strength, which is when you know what your bottom line is and stand firm on it without being adversarial or abrasive.

This dovetails nicely into the importance of knowing your B.A.T.N.A (i.e., your best alternative to a negotiated agreement). For example, if you saw a pair of shoes you loved in one shop, you would go and check them out in another store to compare the price. However, you are also taking into consideration every other factor included in those prices. The cost to get to the store, are the shoes available immediately, are they in the color you want? This all plays into your B.A.T.N.A. What is the best alternative outcome for your purchase? I talk about this in my programs, and also in my blog post titled Know Your B.A.T.N.A. Before Bargaining.

  4.   Allow Yourself to be Underestimated — And Leverage It

Canadian journalist Malcolm Gladwell discusses in his book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants how a lowly shepherd boy defeated the biblical giant.

Their story is told in the Old Testament. Powerful warrior Goliath was said to stand more than 7ft tall. David was a small, skinny boy with no experience in battle. Their respective armies, to decide the victor and avoid widespread bloodshed, pitted the two against each other.

On first glance, you would cast Goliath as the victor, with his ginormous physique and heavy armor. However, what is not mentioned is that research has suggested it’s likely the giant was suffering from the hormonal disorder acromegaly, a condition associated with gigantism that also affects vision and can cause the afflicted person to see double. Plus, Goliath was expecting to face down someone like him in expertise and fighting strength.

What the giant perceived as weaknesses were ultimately David’s strengths. Nimble on his feet and with no heavy armor, he was well practiced at taking down lions with his slingshot. He was able to run at Goliath and was right under the giant’s nose when he took him down, with a stone hitting his forehead at what was estimated as the same force as a bullet. Goliath didn’t stand a chance. David was able to leverage what was perceived as weaknesses and use them to his advantage. They became his strengths that allowed him to win.

It can be intimidating to approach the negotiating table when you think you’re coming in as the weaker force. But by following these steps, you turn your vulnerability into a position of power.

Here’s an example: You have created a startup company that provides a communication system between organic farmers around the world to work together on fulfilling supplier needs, and you have been approached by an investor. However, the acquisition team is very shrewd, and they know they have the power of a conglomerate behind them.

In the instance of this company, they already have global networks in place, but not the technology to allow instant communication between them. Their team knows you want what they have, which is an investment.

One way to gain leverage is to see what their problem is and solve it. Put yourself in their shoes. During your meetings, ask why they are interested in your company. What do they envisage you can solve for them? What challenges are they facing that you can help with?

Know your worth and your worth to them. This puts you in a position of power irrespective of whether they are a multimillion-dollar company and you are a one-woman band.

  5.   Bring Them Around to Your Thinking 

This may appear to be a daunting prospect if your counterpart has more power. So, you need to create some bridges to connect both sides.

Going back to your startup, your counterpart already has an investment in the outcome, but you don’t want it to be an “us vs. them” competition. Instead, you need to make sure they see you are both in it together. So, point out what you both have in common.

The more things they know you have in common that demonstrate your worth, the smaller the power gap. It’s no longer “us and them,” it’s “us” and how you can make it work for “both of you.”

Remember, one of the worst things you can do is negotiate against yourself. Understand what you, your services, or your mission is worth, and don’t undersell or second-guess. If you aim high, you won’t be disappointed when you meet somewhere in the middle.

It would be wonderful if every time we went into a negotiation, it were an even playing field. But that’s not always the case. All too often, you find yourself heading into a negotiation where the other side holds more cards.

To move them closer to what you want, you’ll need to make sure they know what they are invested in. Help them get over their “us vs. them” thinking and instead start thinking about how the deal they want will impact your company. Appreciate the position the other side is in and show them some respect. The deal that you wish for will then come naturally.

In conclusion, you never need feel intimidated if you go into a negotiation with someone who you perceive to be more powerful than you. You have the ability and the skills to be successful in your argument and achieve your goal. And if you use these five tactics as and when you need them, you can feel confident in your success.

Gender bias is something that becomes ingrained in us from the moment we learn to talk. Some would argue even earlier!

When men and women interact, they use entirely different approaches. A lot of this stems from boys being brought up to believe bragging and asking for what they want is the way forward, while women are more self-effacing and nurturing. Parents are likely to be more protective of their daughters than their sons. And girls are encouraged to be seen and not heard as well as hold back from asking for what they would like.

Research shows that the concept of gender in children forms between the ages of 3 and 7. By this age range, kids have a firm subconscious idea of which jobs they should grow up to do as men and women. Also, by this time, girls have often already been negatively affected by gender interactions and boys’ masculine conduct in schools.

Boys are also exposed to competitive situations at an early age. They are usually encouraged to engage in Little League baseball, basketball, football, soccer, etc. These activities introduce boys to the “thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” during their formative years.

Meanwhile traditional girls’ games like jump rope and hopscotch are turn-taking games. By waiting your turn, you are subconsciously becoming deferential to others. Competition is also indirect, because one person’s success doesn’t mean someone else fails.

Fast forward to adulthood, and this is how that bragging and ‘put yourself forward’ attitude for the boys shows up in behavior and perception. Men, for example, typically talk for more extended times and interrupt more often. They are also more direct. Men are perceived as being more rational and logical. They emphasize the objective fact and are dominant and authoritative in their approach.

Women tend to be deferential and tentative in our speech patterns. This goes back to those stereotypes you’ve grown up with. Remember feeling bashful when you were given a compliment? Have you ever responded, ‘Oh, this old thing,’ when someone tells you they like your outfit? You put yourself down in deference!

As a woman, you likely use terms like ‘I think’ and ‘you know,’ so it sounds less forceful. You focus on maintaining the relationship, and you can be more passive and submissive. However, women are a lot more sensitive to non-verbal signals. So this gives you the advantage when you are negotiating.

We also see this gender bias in the media. Movies and TV promote the idea that being male is more valuable than being female. Boys learn early on to embody masculine traits and behaviors. Historically, girls and women have even been significantly less visible on screen than our male counterparts. Geena Davis had been doing some great work on this issue.

Let’s look at Disney movies as an example (which are a staple of the majority of children’s upbringing).

In many Disney characters, a woman’s appearance is valued more than her intellect, and women are helpless and in need of protection. They are also portrayed as domestically orientated and likely to marry.

In Sleeping Beauty, the first gift given to the baby princess is beauty. In Snow White, the Queen’s motivation to kill Snow White derives from her jealousy that she is the fairest in the land. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel wins the love of Prince Eric even after losing her voice.

While women are valued for both their appearance, intellect, and accomplishments, the message is that intellect cannot be appreciated on its own.

An example is Beauty and the Beast. Belle loves to read and is portrayed as independent. Her beauty is celebrated (“It’s no wonder her name means beauty–her looks have no parallel.”) but her intellect ridiculed. The town sings, “I am afraid she’s rather odd (for reading books and rejecting Gaston)–she’s nothing like the rest of us.”.

As a side note, overweight women are usually portrayed as ugly, unpleasant, and unmarried; Ursula, the sea witch, is large and scary, and the stepmother in Cinderella is overweight and mean.

These gender stereotypes don’t do men or women any favors. Research carried out by the Fawcett Society (the UK’s leading charity for gender equality and women’s rights) revealed. It revealed 51% of people felt constrained in their career choices, and 44% said it harmed their personal relationships.

In the survey carried out in 2019, over half the women who took part in the research said gender stereotyping negatively impacted who does the caring in their own family. Older women were particularly affected by this. 7 in 10 younger women, who were in the 18-34s, said their career choices were restricted.

Meanwhile, 69% of men under 35 who took part said gender stereotyping of children had a damaging effect on perceptions of what it means to be a man or a woman.

A real-life example of this internal gender bias is when you negotiate your salary. You are more likely to subconsciously ask for lower compensation if your firm’s representative is a man than a woman. And, given that, most of the time, someone in a superior role is a man, this dynamic plays out time and again. So how can you overcome gender-bias to your advantage?

Using gender bias to your advantage in negotiation

Know your own worth as a woman.

Men believe women should behave like ‘ladies,’ and being overly aggressive is seen as threatening and offensive in negotiation. And while I do not advocate using anger in your tactics, assertiveness can enable you to step into your power. You will find this is more effective as you will have control and demonstrate a firm but fair approach. You can be more empathetic to your counterpart.

Both sexes find it hard to use a retaliatory approach against you as a woman in negotiation. This knowledge gives you a bargaining advantage. Use your intuition to assess how to approach the scenario with this knowledge. Men also find it harder to act competitively towards women so leverage this yourself to get the result you want.

Assertiveness, empathy, and intuition are all part of my A.R.E.F.I.T model, which is one of my core teachings. (You can learn more about it if you check out my programs.)

Men (and women) also assume as a woman, you won’t employ tactics in your negotiation, because this is associated with men. Men and women who expect their female adversaries to behave less competitively and more cooperatively often ignore the realities of their negotiation encounters. You can use this knowledge as your secret weapon. Let them underestimate you.

As a woman, you may have feelings of inadequacy and check yourself because your counterpart is calling out what they deem as ‘behavior’ which is not acceptable for your gender. Don’t allow others to employ this belittling tactic. You have every right to use the techniques you think appropriate, regardless of the stereotypes they might contradict.

To your male (or female) counterpart, who raises a baseless objection to your conduct, if you are being assertive, you are involved in an interaction in which gender should be irrelevant. Tell them that politely but firmly.

If you’re interested in learning more about unconscious gender bias, check out my blogpost on this issue

Prepare 

You can guard against being taken advantage of in negotiation by engaging in thorough preparation and testing your counterparts’ claims. For example, if you don’t know much about cars and need to take yours in to be fixed, speak to people who know about the cost. Test the claim by talking to friends who know more about cars or getting a second opinion. (Of course, this advice applies to men who know little about cars as well!)

I discuss the best way to prepare for your negotiation in great detail, so you are in a position of strength in my programs. It is integral to you, ensuring you get the outcome you want.

This leads me into BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), another concept I deep dive into in my programs. It is defined as the most advantageous alternative that a negotiating party can take if negotiations fail, and an agreement cannot be made. Your BATNA is your option if negotiations are unsuccessful.

By knowing your BATNA and what alternative is best for you, you will get your best-negotiated outcome.

Be non-threatening

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg suggests combining your assertive message with smiles and friendly gestures. This doesn’t mean batting your eyelashes. It’s using the power of your femininity from a position of strength.

See yourself as your own advocate

Women negotiate more assertively when doing it for someone else. You feel more comfortable pushing for the good of others. And you actually NARROW the gender gap when doing so.

I advise you to negotiate as if you are advocating for someone else. If you have a child or a loved one in need, you would fight tooth and nail to get them what was necessary to make them happy. Afford yourself the same courtesy and recognize your inherent value.

In my Art of Feminine Negotiation program, I encourage you to harness the power of your momma bear. That bear cub inside you is hiding in the corner, thinking, ‘I can’t do this because when I was a kid, THIS happened when I put myself forward’. So bring out your inner momma bear to go into battle for the little bear cub that still lives in you!

Who can forget the hit ’90s TV show Friends? The sitcom ran for 10 seasons and followed the trials and tribulations of Monica, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. We laughed and cried along with them as this group of twentysomethings navigated their way through life in New York City.

One particularly amusing plotline was when Chandler began dating Rachel’s boss Joanna. Rachel was not thrilled and demanded they stop seeing each other. Chandler had other ideas and sneakily kept the relationship going. This culminated in him being handcuffed to Joanna’s desk, and Rachel discovering him there when she used her secret key to gain access to her boss’s office.

Consequently, there was a standoff. Rachel and Chandler both had something to lose — and something to hide. Who was going to win?

A two-minute negotiating scene ensued, with Rachel coming up with a variety of options for Chandler to stay handcuffed so that her boss didn’t discover she had access to the inner sanctum. Meanwhile, Chandler just wanted to put his pants on and leave!

What gets him over the line?

Rachel realizes she has the power to make or break Chandler’s reputation with the fairer sex.

She tells him: “I can be very generous or very stingy.”

Chandler responds: “Go on.”

Rachel says, smiling: “I can make you a legend.”

Not surprisingly, Chandler decides that having women think he’s got a lot to offer is worth being handcuffed to a desk sans pants for a few more hours.

In the Friends example, Rachel and Chandler were able to reach an agreement from which they both mutually benefited. And, let’s face it, negotiating with people you have relationships with is inevitable. However, there is an old Russian saying that translates to, “The best way to lose a friend is by bargaining with them.”

But should you try to stay away from opportunities to negotiate with friends and family? Nowadays, it’s even tougher to negotiate outside of your relationship dynamic, whether personally or professionally. In addition to the inevitable negotiations that regularly take place in any relationship, your business and social communities overlap to a higher degree than ever before.

From a professional standpoint, your business colleagues are friends on Facebook, and you follow each other on Instagram. This leads to you spending time together in real life. Having a good working relationship with a friendship basis is integral. If you are a business owner or entrepreneur, cultivating connections, a support system, and bringing in revenue can depend on the depth of your friendships with business colleagues. You don’t want to cut them off from that area of your life.

After all, if you didn’t negotiate with your friends, there would be very few people to actually negotiate with!

As women, we tend to make friends with our business colleagues, clients and contacts. But once your client becomes your friend, you become concerned about negotiating a good deal for yourself, because your perception is it could be seen as taking advantage. As women, we are also expected to be nurturing and caring. You are subconsciously afraid you will be creating an adverse outcome for the other party.

All this stems from your upbringing of being expected to always accept what you are given, be accommodating, and be seen and not heard. Studies show that from kindergarten, boys are encouraged to beat their chest and ask for what they want. By bragging and demanding, they can increase their social status. Meanwhile, social conditioning means it’s not the done thing for a woman to push hard. Young girls are led to believe they will be ostracized and excluded if they ask for what they want or show confidence in themselves. Instead, they are self-effacing. This follows through to adulthood. You are conditioned to expect exclusion if you step into your power.

It’s obviously more challenging to negotiate with someone you have strong emotional ties to. Why? Because they know you, they know how to push your buttons, and also what makes you tick. Your friends are also empowered to do and say things that people who don’t know you cannot do and say. They can step over the proverbial line as they have emotional ammunition. Someone you don’t have a relationship with doesn’t have that in their arsenal. This can lead to you being not as stringent in your negotiation process.

What are the unique issues that can arise when you have to negotiate with friends or those close to you? And what can you do to make the most of the pros and reduce the cons of the situation? What do you do if the negotiation goes wrong and the friendship goes south, or if the negotiation succeeds and one of you is left feeling ripped off? How do you avoid either you or your friend feeling like you have been taken advantage of?

What You Need to Remember When Negotiating With Friends

Know Your Belief

When you enter into a negotiation with a friend, be absolutely unshakeable in the belief that you can negotiate. You may be discussing a passion project or collaboration, but you don’t have to sacrifice what is true to you. When it comes to your business objectives and needs, if you are both playing fair in the arrangement, then you will both be on a level playing field.

One way to overcome any limiting belief of your success is to reframe your negotiation as a discussion, which can help you both engage more freely.

You also need to make sure you know your “why.” Think about how getting a win in this negotiation can change your life. This takes away the sensitivity of the topic itself (e.g., money) and instead channels into your deeper drives. What if this win means you can finally take that dream vacation? Or buy your forever home? Or give your child the horse-riding lessons they’ve always wanted? That gives you so much more impetus to be successful in your negotiation.

Always remember, both men and women have unconscious gender biases. They think you are less effective as a negotiator because you are a woman. And that doesn’t change even if you are friends. Understanding this unconscious bias is one of your secret weapons.

Respect Boundaries

When negotiating with friends, you need to make sure you are both clear about the negotiation purpose upfront. Lay out a framework of what is in bounds — that is, what you can discuss — and what is out of bounds. (I go into greater detail about how to prepare for your negotiation process in my programs.)

Of course, you will both know about each other’s personal life. While this can be potentially useful in making gains during your negotiations, it doesn’t mean you should use it. Manipulating someone on a personal level to achieve a better result for your deal is rude and not good business.

Once you have agreed on your boundaries, you must both hold fast to ensure you do not step over the line. If you and your counterpart set the ground rules, you can offset straying into territory that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. For example, don’t bring things that happened in the past into your current negotiation.

Don’t allow your friend to use red herrings as a ploy to gain an advantage over you. This is when your negotiation adversary is placing huge value on a particular aspect of the deal, but it’s actually a ruse to distract you from what you are discussing at that moment in the negotiation.

In the throes of negotiation, you can utilize body language as a signal. If your counterpart is closing off by crossing their arms, it may be an indication they aren’t happy with the topic you are discussing. It can also serve to tell you if they are trying to be manipulative.

You should also state how you want your relationship to continue after the discussion. You can use their body language as an indication they are happy with the outcome. If their words and body language match, you know your negotiation has been successful.

Be Mindful of Your True Personality and Negotiation Style

You may be a very different person in your personal and professional life. For many people, this enables avoidance of conflict. However, whether you are negotiating with a friend in a business or relational capacity, you need to be mindful of how you shift between the two. Your counterpart will be confused and aggrieved if you switch from your usual affable, warm self, to a cold, corporate crocodile. Negotiating is not about the bark and the bite. It’s not about getting in someone’s face.

An option is to use a more personal approach in the beginning in order to acclimatize to the discussion. Use your assertiveness, rapport building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. This A.R.E.F.I.T model is at the core of my teachings. And it will enable you to negotiate with intention. I go into more depth on what these are and how they can work for you in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program.

From the A.R.E.F.I.T model, the ability to build rapport and show empathy can be great assets when negotiating with a friend. Why? With a basis of rapport already established in your relationship, you wouldn’t have become friends in the first place! Hence, build on it further to achieve success in your negotiation.

Additionally, you have the ability to show empathy, because you know your friend. You can direct them toward the outcome you want while making them think it’s what they too want. Winston Churchill once said, “Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” As a woman, you are likely good at that already!

We also all have a natural negotiation style. This is entwined with what motivates you as a person. Here is a brief outline of what these motivation styles are:

Competing: The “I win, you lose” model — you do whatever it takes to reach your desired agreement.

Avoiding: The “I lose, you lose” model — if you use this, you dislike conflict and will talk in vague terms. You can often come off as passive-aggressive without realizing it.

Collaborating: The “I win, you win” model — you focus on making sure all parties have their needs met.

Accommodating: The “I lose, you win” model — this is not in your best interests when it comes to negotiating. You focus on maintaining the relationship.

Compromising: The “I win/lose some, you win/lose some” model — this is often confused with collaborating. You will often relinquish some terms in favor of gaining others.

When dealing with a friend, you should be mindful of how the way you negotiate is interpreted.

Also, you may find that as a woman, you will slip into mediation mode, in which we as caregivers automatically become mediators (how many of you have had to keep the peace between your kids?). This is another form of negotiation in many ways. Make sure you flip out of that mindset!

Share Your Control

Entering a negotiation, the one thing we usually do is attempt to take control. But when it involves a friend, you need to be more generous. It’s no longer just about swaying a point of view. You need to approach the situation with an understanding of their perspective. Why have they decided to adopt this position? Look at what they are saying from a neutral point of view.

However, this doesn’t mean you have to lose your assertiveness. Why is it that as women, we can bring our Momma bear to the fore when we are looking out for someone else, but not when it comes to looking out for ourselves? You no doubt have feelings of inadequacy and impostor syndrome when it comes to your own life, and when it’s a friend you are facing off against, it can be that much harder to be assertive for fear of causing hurt. Look inward and imagine you are negotiating for someone else. Or look at the bear cub inside you, which may still be feeling those hurts and hang-ups from when you were little, and bring that Momma bear to help YOU out!

Reserve Your Judgment

Be mindful of the outside influence other people can exert on the situation. Many conflicts arise with friends on a personal or professional level because there has been a misperception of what was said or done. Other people throwing their opinions into the mix often exacerbates this. If the negotiation is going sideways, stop any outside interference from those you have spoken to about the situation, or you could run the risk of deepening a divide between the pair of you.

If your negotiation hits a sticking point, you can use deflection to save the situation and the friendship. A third party can diffuse the tension. Invite an independent colleague to assist with an awkward conversation. Utilize “your team” as a buffer. For instance, you can say, “Your lawyer reviewed,” or, “Your wonderful expert negotiation coach suggested,” which is, of course, me! You don’t have to be sneaky about this. There may be areas in which you both feel the need to have a third party involved. Honesty and transparency are essential. And this way, you can explain what you want from the deal, but it’s not about you. And the third party cited will bear the brunt of any blame.

The Law of Reciprocity

When someone does something nice for you or to you, in return you should do the same in kind. The law of reciprocity is always at work. How does this play out with you and your friend? If you analyze this dynamic between you, you can handle how your negotiation might play out. For example, if you feel you are always giving and they’re receiving, you have a pretty good steer on how things are going to go between you.

Don’t Let Time Pass

We tend to hurt the ones we love. Be careful to not allow a negotiation to get out of hand when negotiating with a friend. If there are any misconceptions or a sense of wrongdoing resulting from your negotiation, address it as soon as possible. You had a good friendship before; don’t let go of that if your discussion goes awry. Be selfless in the process. It’s no good to win a battle at the expense of your friendship. Is there a qualifier here? It depends on how good your friend is in relation to the value of what you are negotiating!

If you liked reading this blog post, then check out my blog post on how to negotiate your personal confidence boost.

Nelson Mandela was arguably one of the greatest negotiators of the 20th century. In his country’s best interests, the anti-apartheid revolutionary bargained with a government that put him behind bars for 27 years.

Mandela hated the apartheid regime of institutionalized racial segregation. He could have decided to reject negotiating with what he no doubt perceived as a morally challenging and antagonistic adversary. And yet he was able to achieve what many believed was unthinkable, without violence and resistance, for the people of South Africa: He ended apartheid.

How different history would have been had Mandela decided he couldn’t find it within himself to negotiate with those who had caused him so much hurt and literally taken years of his life.

Another example of a great negotiator is Winston Churchill. He vowed he would never negotiate with those “boastful and bullying” Nazis. However, did you know that papers unearthed in 2004 revealed he did consider negotiating with Adolf Hitler when the Allied forces were being destroyed by German troops? Churchill allegedly thought brokering a peace deal would potentially bring less bloodshed.

So, what would make these two men even consider negotiating with such hostile adversaries?

Let’s talk about how you can go up against someone in a negotiation whom you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be difficult and inhospitable.

The Characteristics of an Antagonistic Adversary

There are usually some obvious signs someone is going to be antagonistic or competitive in a negotiation. Here is what to look out for:

• They are comfortable with intense conflict and competition
• They enjoy debating substantive issues
• They aren’t great listeners, because they often have a significant ego
• They are direct, and use a hostile tone as well as words and body language
• They are often impatient and aggressive in their offers and concessions
• They like to take control of the conversation
• They always want to win; losing is not an option
• They are very enthusiastic toward being competitive in negotiations
• They appear stubborn, arrogant and/or untrustworthy
• They can deal with high-risk and pressurized environments

An antagonistic adversary will think nothing of using leverage tactics including walkouts, threats, ultimatums and bluffing. An example of a negotiator using these types of tactics is President Donald Trump. During his time in office, he has shut down press briefings multiple times, thinks nothing of calling out people on social media with insults, and frequently uses ultimatums. Case in point, his unblinking, unwavering threats to ban video-sharing platform TikTok from the US.

Professor Robert Mnookin is chair of the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School. In his book Bargaining With the Devil, Mnookin states that people who demonize an adversary often resist negotiating even when it could benefit them.

So, how do you overcome that feeling of being defeated before you’ve even begun? And what are the best tactics to use when negotiating with an antagonistic adversary?

Techniques to Use When Negotiating with an Antagonistic Adversary

Firstly, be prepared and don’t talk yourself down before you begin.

Forewarned is forearmed, which is why being prepared is so important in this scenario. The more you know and prepare prior to a negotiation, the less likely you will be surprised. It will also improve your confidence in managing difficult negotiators. If it’s the first time you’re negotiating with someone, find out as much as you can about your counterpart. Has anyone else worked with them before? Does anyone in your network know them? What can they tell you about your adversary’s style? If a team is involved, who is on their team? What do you know about each team member?

Don’t be intimidated by your opposer’s reputation. Girls are told from as young as age three that they cannot put themselves forward. That inner critic is the stereotype you have grown up with whispering in your ear. Don’t listen to the voice in your head saying you aren’t strong or capable enough.

Instead, harness your feminine power. You can utilize your attribute of being a good listener in this scenario. Antagonistic negotiators love to talk and persuade. So let them! In fact, encourage them and implement active listening techniques so you can acquire as much strategic information as possible before you start negotiating.

Preparation is essential. But as well as research, you may find you’re able to get information directly from your counterpart.

Know Your ‘Why’

When you negotiate, you need to know your “why.” Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. You need to tap into your motivation. If you have emotion and a drive attached to it, you will be more directed to your commitment and resolution. This doesn’t mean for you to get emotional. Rather, it means use that reason to drive your negotiation.

Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives a given negotiation.

However, as well as knowing your “why,” it’s essential to know that of your counterpart. Why are they negotiating — especially when they are antagonistic? Once you understand that, you can anticipate, prepare and then potentially undercut them. I examine this in greater detail in my programs, and in particular, my free e-book, 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiations.

Let’s look at your why in terms of negotiating a salary increase with a less-than-amicable boss. Think about why you want the salary increase. It’s almost never just about the money itself; it’s about what that money represents.

Is it to get a bigger house? Is it to be able to go on vacation twice a year? Look at the more significant motivation. Women often struggle with the idea of wealth and money. Knowing your “why” will reframe it for you. Now, why would your boss say no? Because they could lose their job if they can’t make salary cuts? Or they need to come in under budget so they can get a bonus to go on their own dream holiday?

Be Focused and Calm

Remain focused on your objectives, and don’t let your counterpart’s styles and behaviors take you off track. Take the view that the style being used by the difficult negotiator results from past learning. They use it because they believe it has worked for them in the past and will work for them now.

No matter how your counterpart acts, or what strategy they use or what behavior they demonstrate, you need to stay in control and be calm. This is especially true when you feel blindsided or surprised. If you react without thinking — in anger or with heightened emotion — you will almost certainly regret it later.

Before your negotiation session, prepare yourself to be calm. You can do this by running through scenarios in your head. This is a technique utilized by athletes, who visualize each part of the race and anticipate the favored outcome.

Take your time to imagine what you will say and how your counterpart might respond. What will you do and how will you deal with each of the possibilities? Run through the scenarios to see if they trigger an emotional response from you. What would you do or say if that happens? This also enables you to avoid the feeling of regret when the negotiation is over. Thinking about it in advance will help you control yourself in the room. You won’t be thinking about what you should have said and done because you prepared your reactions in advance.

Don’t be afraid to admit to what you want, stick to it, and be blunt.

If you go into a negotiation thinking, “Oh, no, if they find out what I want, that gives them the power to say no,” then you must change your narrative. Instead, think to yourself, “Telling them what I need gives them a reason that they have to give me what I want. If they can’t give it to me, then we can’t make a deal.”

An antagonistic adversary appreciates strength. Standing firm will gain their respect. Don’t allow them to steamroll you. If you do, they’ll come at you again and again. Instead, require a reasonable rationale before moving forward and insist on reciprocity. If they’re tough, you need to be assertive in an equal or more considerable measure.

However, you should always be unconditional, constructive and respectful. That doesn’t mean that we let others walk all over us. Assertiveness is one of the qualities I extol in my A.R.E. F.I.T. model at the crux of my teachings in my negotiation programs.

I’ve had people try to steamroll and bully me in negotiations. A few even tried physical intimidation. Calling them out on the tactic usually served to defuse it. Most tactics lose power when identified. Or sometimes, I simply smiled and kept repeating my position calmly, over and over. This usually causes increasing frustration with an antagonistic counterpart and gets them off their game, so they lose their edge or advantage, or it causes them to give up the point, recognizing that you’re not budging (or buying into their approach).

Be Flexible and Highlight Your Leverage

Have you heard the saying, “Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better”?

As a woman, you are likely a great listener, and listening is vital when negotiating with someone antagonistic. There’s a good chance, if you have gained their trust (and you should be able to do so by using empathy and intuition), that your counterpart will reveal something that will make you better off than you expected to be. Antagonistic negotiators aren’t afraid to talk directly about leverage. If you have something that fulfills their needs, point it out matter-of-factly as you and your adversary discuss both your needs and their alternatives.

Put Your Needs in Their Words

An antagonistic negotiator loves to hear what they want. If you express what you want in terms of their needs, they will be far more open to listening. What do they really need? For example, don’t say, “I want X amount because I think I deserve it/I’ve been working too much overtime.”

Instead, say, “I need X salary because that will enable me to fully apply to the project you want me to do/Will help the whole department get stronger and compete for resources within the company.”

Check Out Other Options

If you have a plan B, then you aren’t as desperate to achieve a set result. Look at what other options you have if you don’t get what you want — this will give you confidence.

In negotiation, this is where BATNA comes in — your best alternative to a negotiated agreement. I discuss this in greater detail in my post, know your BATNA before bargaining.

Create a Time Frame

It is very important to know exactly when the negotiation is starting. Timing can make or break your success in negotiation. When your counterpart is gunning for you, they are likely to be like a bull out the gate with their process. This means you could be in the path of a wrecking ball before you even realize it! Take control and lay the foundation to stop that happening. Remember when you were a child and would wait for Mom or Dad to be in a good mood before asking for something that may cost them money, like a new toy or a trip somewhere fun? If either of them was in a bad mood, intuitively you knew it was the worst time to ask.

Always consider the time of year you are carrying out your negotiation. If you are going for a pay increase or raise, it’s not wise to do it just after there have been cuts! What time is best for you to get the most out of your negotiation? Is it the morning or the evening? What about your counterpart? Be tactical and be deliberate.

When it comes to your negotiation, make sure you are on the same page. If you think, “This will be 20 minutes,” and they come back and say, “This will be 20 weeks,” you have a mismatch. Agree your timeframe first, and don’t be frightened to call out your counterpart if they don’t honor it.

In conclusion, when you’re facing an antagonistic adversary, the best way to tackle your negotiation is to:

• Be prepared and research your counterpart
• Make sure you are laser focused on your “why” so you can tailor your negotiation to realizing your goal
• Stay focused and calm when you are bargaining with them
• Always try to put yourself in their shoes. What do they want? Then you can reframe your points to make them feel like they’re getting what THEY want
• Stay strong and so that you can achieve the outcome you want, highlight your leverage
• Make sure you always have a plan B. You should never be frightened to walk away
• Lastly, put a timeframe on your negotiation so that you have an end in sight. This gives you control

By taking this advice to heart, you’ll be surprised at how easy your next negotiation will be, even if your adversary has a tough reputation.

If you liked this blog post, be sure to read how to effectively use concession in negotiations.

What is a self-limiting belief? It’s a hidden script, playing in your subconscious mind that runs your life without you even realizing it.

Self-limiting beliefs are those things about yourself that you believe to be true, which are setting limits on your abilities. They are whispering to you that something isn’t true, that it isn’t achievable.

Your self-limiting beliefs stem from your preconceptions and are generated by your life experience.

You may not even know what your self-limiting beliefs are. But you know something is nibbling away at you as you struggle to make something happen, which for some reason you just can’t.

In the case of negotiation, you may be trying hard to reach a result that just isn’t happening. A self-limiting belief is the likely culprit.

In order for your actions to have the most significant positive effect, you need to have beliefs that inspire you and won’t hold you back. Dream big! Limiting beliefs could mean that you never fulfill your goals and dreams.

Why are self-limiting beliefs so destructive to your negotiation success? Because the MEANING you attach to your thoughts determines your emotions — and your emotions determine your behavior. This is what you act on and how you react.

The things that you say to yourself can be the No. 1 support tool you have to guide you toward your goals and dreams. When you don’t believe you can do or achieve something, the bottom line is, you won’t.

Before we dive into how you can overcome your self-limiting beliefs in negotiation, you need to know what they are. Here are some common examples:

• You are unlovable

• You will never be a success

• You will be a failure

• You don’t deserve/you are not worthy of success

• You fear you aren’t good enough to achieve what you want

• Others are holding you back

• Everyone worthwhile will hold you back — this thought generally leads to the avoidance of relationships or to people-pleasing behaviors

• You believe there are negative attributes assigned to being rich/having money. For example, “I’ll never be able to run my own business/I’ll never earn as much as [insert large sum of money],” or you think people with money are greedy/selfish

• The belief you aren’t capable of greatness, or that you are destined for mediocrity and so you shouldn’t aim too high

• You think you have to work very long hours with vast amounts of effort for your money

How Are Self-Limiting Beliefs Formed?

Let’s look at the science. Your brain forms actual information superhighways and electrical impulses called neurolinguistic pathways. These are the bridges between your experiences and emotions, habits, behaviors and thoughts. They provide a reference point. These are all formed when you are very young, between birth and the age of seven years old.

When you’re a baby, you’re a clean slate; you don’t have memories or a so-called manual installed. You then start to learn everything. Your subconscious creates these pathways so it can keep you safe. As you grow, you are taking on board information about what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is safe and unsafe, what is relevant and not valuable. Your brain would be exhausted if all of this processing were floating around 24/7. So, it stores it away in your subconscious as a guide.

This is how it manifests in your everyday life. Your reactions are generally formed around fear. For example, if you touched a hot cooktop on a kitchen stove, that would have hurt, causing pain and fear reactions. Your brain would then tell you it’s inappropriate to touch a hot cooktop, so you know not to do it again.

You might have been bullied at school. It could have been because you spoke up. Your strong emotional response and the pain it caused tells you this was an important experience. Your brain then creates a rule around this belief, and it looks for evidence to support that response. Your emotional wellbeing was threatened and subconsciously you are being told, “Don’t go there.”

Let’s be clear, your subconscious does this to protect you. But it doesn’t always work like that. It overrides conscious thought, and this is where the problems arise. For example, you may read a blog that tells you as a woman, you have the power to negotiate for a higher salary, and explains how to do that. But even though you’re saying, “Yes, I can do this,” your subconscious is going back to when you put yourself out there when you were a child (you could have been in the playground and got bullied) and is saying, “Uh-oh, red alert, you can’t do that.” Your subconscious is tough to convince, and it will put the block on your behavior in a bid to protect you.

Your subconscious self-limiting beliefs are why you don’t follow through on a goal or you feel blocked by the universe when you’re manifesting. So, how does this work when you are negotiating? Here are some self-limiting beliefs that could be holding you back and how to overcome them.

Self-Limiting Beliefs You Can Overcome to Succeed in Negotiation

I’m Not Worth It/I Don’t Deserve It

If you walk into a negotiation believing you don’t deserve to win, you have stacked the odds against yourself from the outset. The “I’m not worth it” mantra you hear in your head could apply to any scenario:

• “I’m not worth that pay raise”

• “I’m not worth that promotion”

• “I don’t deserve that vacation”

• “I don’t deserve to be treated with respect”

• “I’m not worth having a loving partner/kids/family life”

How can you convince someone else of your value if you don’t believe in it yourself?

Before you enter the negotiation, strike a power pose for two minutes. When you adopt a power pose, you take up a lot of space and hold your arms and legs away from your body. For example, with the Wonder Woman power pose, you stand with your feet apart, your hands on your hips, your chin tilted upward.

Then spend at least five minutes listing how darn amazing you are. To do this, you must first shift into a positive mindset. For more long-term background preparation, spend five minutes every day telling yourself:

“I am worthy of [insert what you want, e.g. ‘earning a six-figure salary’] and I am capable of achieving this. The path is wide open for me to succeed.”

Never underestimate the power of positive thought. You need to develop new neural pathways so that your brain will stop with the subconscious negative talk. The way to do this is to uncover those self-sabotaging stories you’ve been telling yourself, then flip that story.

Challenge the truth of the beliefs underlying your negative narrative. Choose a more empowering way to visualize and tell the story. Simply flip your negative frame to a positive one. For example, “I never get a lucky break,” becomes, “I make my own luck and grab opportunities that arise.” Change your thoughts, change your life.

I explore this in more depth in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program, where we look at how you can kiss goodbye to these self-limiting beliefs.

Gender-Specific Limiting Beliefs Around Negotiation

As a woman, when you negotiate, you are prone to believing the following because of your gender:

• This is going to be a disaster

• Rewards only come if I work very hard

• It’s no big deal to negotiate for my salary

• I can’t negotiate

• Negotiating might hurt my relationship with this person

• If I try to negotiate, I will be seen as aggressive or as a bitch

Here’s how to deal with these.

Firstly, instead of believing you are facing a disaster, rewrite the script and tell yourself that it’s an opportunity. Look at how this can work for you, and then rephrase it so it sounds like you are doing your counterpart a favor with your proposal. It’s all about reframing in your mind and in theirs in a positive vein.

Next, the self-limiting belief rewards only come when you work hard. Think back to all the work environments you’ve been in. How often have you thought to yourself, “Why did they get the promotion? They don’t do anything! I work really hard!” And how many times have you seen a man promoted when they do precisely the same tasks as you? The likelihood is, in both those instances, they have simply put themselves forward.

Did you know that studies suggest men will apply for a promotion with only 20 percent of the listed qualifications? Meanwhile, women with 80 percent of the listed qualifications won’t apply, thinking themselves unqualified. Don’t listen to the voice that embedded itself in your head in childhood that has been telling you to keep your head down. As they say, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. If you don’t speak up, you won’t get noticed or have your efforts recognized. You have to advocate for yourself.

Moving on, why would you think it’s no big deal to negotiate for your salary? Did you know that staff turnover costs employers 100–200 percent of the leaving employee’s salary? That’s from placing the job advert to successful onboarding. Some research even puts this as high as 400 percent! (This is a nifty fact to take to the negotiation if you are looking for a raise.) So, it IS a big deal, especially for your boss, if they face losing you.

Next, you may believe you can’t negotiate and that there’s no point to doing so. Women tend to operate from a “playing small” mindset. You think of your business as a side hustle, while men think of ventures in terms of enterprises. Women also think their success comes from luck or a helping hand from someone else. The skill of negotiation is not something you are born with; rather, it’s something you can learn. And you will find you’ve been doing it without even realizing.

Your feminine attributes — which include your ability to listen, build rapport, be flexible, intuitive and empathetic — mean you can be a great negotiator. If you’ve got kids, how many times have you stepped in to break up an argument by offering a negotiation to stop the tears and tantrums? What about when you ask your kids to do something: “If you clean your room now and do your homework, then we can look at your staying up for an extra hour.” That’s negotiation!

Finally, as a woman, you believe negotiation will hurt your relationship with this person. The answer here is, not if you do it right. Women typically put others first by nature, and in fact, it’s better to tackle something head-on than let it fester. Having a meaningful conversation about something that has the potential to turn into a problem stops it from becoming a problem. As a woman, you have the built-in skills to be a great listener and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Yes, there may be an uncomfortable moment, but better to have a small, uncomfortable moment than a long period of anxiety.

There’s No Such Thing as ‘Can’t’

The most common and destructive, self-limiting belief is that you “can’t” do something. You leave yourself no other option. There is no such thing as “I can’t,” and this is because you always have a choice. Whenever you hear yourself say, “I can’t,” immediately remind yourself that you always have options.

In conclusion, think about this: If your beliefs have such a powerful influence on your results, how much more significant would your personal potential be if every belief you had completely supported and nurtured you?

And on the flip side, think about how you are sabotaging your progress and success if they don’t. That’s why it’s essential to overcome your self-limiting beliefs and realize your true potential in negotiation.

If you liked this blog post, then check out my series on how to negotiate your personal confidence boost.

Dracula author Bram Stoker wrote: “It is really wonderful how much resilience there is in human nature. Let any obstructing cause, no matter what, be removed in any way, even by death, and we fly back to first principles of hope and enjoyment.”

It’s ironic that an author who wrote about one of the world’s most famous demons is so positive about the human spirit! But it’s true – possessing self-belief, resilience, and good negotiation skills are crucial to leading a happy and successful life.

Having resilience can help you bounce back from adversity, setbacks, and failures, which we all experience at various points in life. Unfortunately, while many women have ‘imposter syndrome,’ most men tend to steam straight in and ‘assume the deal.’ It’s time to turn that around!

With negotiation coaching from a certified coach, women can unleash their ‘Sasha Fierce,’ as (the usually shy) Beyonce calls her sassy on-stage alter-ego. They can watch that confident, resilient woman get out there and claim what is rightfully hers and conquer any lingering demons.

So, who and what are our inner demons?

They’re our Achilles’ heel, the parts of ourselves that keep us awake at night. Your inner demons prevent you from going forward, reminding you of embarrassing moments when you’ve “failed” or looked “stupid” – at least in your mind.

The demons may berate you for not being “good” or “clever.” They can make you feel inadequate for not being thin or pretty enough. Those demons will niggle away at your consciousness, making you feel like you will never be as funny, independent, educated, or loyal as anyone you know, or don’t, for that matter. In fact, come up with any adjective you can think of, and there’s usually a demon that will chip away at your psyche, making you feel inferior to others.

The inner demons are the chattering voices you try to hide or suppress, usually out of fear more than anything else. But it’s not always our fear of letting other people see our demons, which causes the problem. Our issues often stem from the deep-rooted fear we have within and for ourselves. Does fear of rejection, looking stupid, or being open to ridicule sound familiar?

Relax! Your fears are actually fear of your power – and only by facing them can you unlock your potential. As the Dalai Lama says, “If you can defeat your inner demons (like hatred, jealousy, anger, etc..), no task is impossible thereafter.”

Avoiding and/or fighting your demons and fear just feeds them, so they grow larger, scarier, and in the end, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To quell those demons, you need to negotiate past your fear. It’s the process of how you manage that which will determine whether you go down the path of success or destruction.

Here Are 5 Ways To Build Personal Resilience And Conquer Your Demons:

1) Getting started

It sounds simple, but you have to start somewhere. How many times have you said, “The diet/exercise plan starts tomorrow?” The best way to begin your journey is by committing to a better future and a happier life. It’s a good idea to share your intentions with close family and friends, so they can encourage you … and hold you to account if you slack off and need a kick up the butt! In all seriousness, it’s good to have a reliable support network that you can share your feelings with. They can also provide positive feedback, insights, and solutions. In the Chinese zodiac, 2020 is the Year of the Rat, and the Rat is also the first in the rotation of the 12 zodiac signs, meaning a ‘Rat’ year is a year of renewal. So what are you waiting for?

2) Set goals

Discover your ‘why.’ Think of the people you admire. The ones who want to change the world. Those with meaningful, productive, full lives, are generally goal-setters. The people who settle for an average, small life, with no vision or purpose, don’t. Step inward and dig deep. What is your goal, and why? What is your motivation for it, and how can you achieve it?

While it’s good to have your eye on the prize, rather than hurtling toward it like a bull in a china shop, break the goal down into bite-sized chunks. Ask yourself what you can accomplish today, tomorrow, and so on. That way, your target won’t seem like an insurmountable feat. The goalposts may move, and that’s ok. Overcoming obstacles is part of being resilient, right? Moving goalposts aren’t always bad, because as we learn, grow, and refine our vision, we may well be moving them ourselves to become more resilient and achieve a brighter future.

What comes next? A negotiation coach can help you realize and set your goals and the steps you should be taking to get there, as can my purpose planner.

3) Change the narrative

Think about your inner demons. What/who are they? There’s a saying: ‘He who shouts the loudest gets heard,’ which is right, to a point. Yes, your demons will most definitely be heard, but it doesn’t mean what they are saying is true. Often the voice that shouts the loudest is doing so because they come from a place of insecurity. Sound familiar?

Now, think of the smartest, talented, and professional people you know. Do they shout the loudest? Generally not. A humble, quieter voice, spoken with integrity, truth, and authority, cuts through the shouting much more efficiently.

You have a choice in how you interpret your life’s circumstances. Make the decision right here and now to change the narrative and look at the positives. The positive way you think about your future will help you rewrite your past. I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle: “When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.”

4) Reframe your fear and use it as a source of empowerment

To face your fears and demons, think of various circumstances and situations when you’ve not felt ‘good’ enough, for whatever reason. Instead of focusing on the negatives, try and list 3-5 positives from them. Again, like when goal setting, break your demon or fear into achievable chunks.

If it’s confidence you need, set yourself a task of meeting or calling a certain number of people a day. If you’re scared of getting hurt, ask the people closest to you to list your good points.

A good way of negotiating your fear is to talk about your plans to overcome it out loud. By ‘speaking’ into that fear, you encourage yourself to challenge it. Some people are born to take the initiative. The majority of women think they can’t be bold and step up because of what has been ingrained into them as they grow up. They are told to be seen and not heard. But that’s rubbish.

Perhaps one of your goals is a new job or earning more money. How do you feel about the interview, or asking for a pay rise? Decide what you want to say, write it down and say it out loud. It’s worth doing this not just in the mirror but also in a role-play situation with a friend. Remember why you are negotiating, and what it will bring to your life – more money, work/life balance, flexibility, etc.

Consider working with a negotiation coach who can help you find your voice. They can also guide you to past experiences and help you see any lessons or upsides you may have missed at the time, which will help you ‘flip the switch.’

5) Stop the chatter and ‘monkey mind’ by practicing self-care

Space, tranquility, and honoring thyself is extremely important. It’s that old adage of putting your lifejacket on first before you can take care of others.

Take time out to be kind to yourself at least once a day, whether through mindfulness, meditation, massage, exercise, or reading. If you’re wondering how to do this, think about what you would suggest to a friend who was going through a tough time.

Meditation is great to stop the ‘monkey mind’ and inner demons. The average person’s mind wanders 49.6 percent of the time, so whether you’re a seasoned mediator or a beginner, try and practice daily. There is so much information and help out there – meditation apps, online guides, courses, classes, etc. Research shows that meditation’s health benefits include increased levels of resilience, intelligence, focus, and concentration. And you can also experience lower levels of stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and self-awareness. All you need to do is take a few minutes to meditate every day.

Also, look for opportunities for self-discovery. If you’ve been thinking about signing up for a course, learning a new language, or exploring various hobbies, go for it! Enjoyable activities will also lead to more confidence and knowledge.

If you enjoyed reading this blog, then read all about negotiating yourself a confidence boost.

When you are little girl, you have the values instilled into you that the only way ahead in this life is to embrace masculine traits. You’re brought up to believe you have to squash your feminine side to get ahead. You’re told by your parents: “Be brave, and don’t make a fuss.”

And when you get older and enter the workforce, you are given the same skewed rhetoric. Now you are urged to be ‘manly’ in the workplace, full of bravado and chutzpah. It’s all about ‘aggressive is best.’

I fell for this mantra myself. Working full time as an attorney, I earned the nickname ‘Barracuda’ from my colleagues and clients, wearing it like a badge of honor. After years of unfulfillment and a feeling of burn out, I realized squashing my feminine traits down in favor of being ‘ballsy’ was doing me nothing but damage.

As a professional woman, if you have tried to get ahead or even survive in the workplace, you will have encountered this. You have been surrounded by a sea of men who were leading with ROI and a clinical approach to work. You will have been told: ‘There is no room for emotion in the boardroom.’

So how do you embrace your feminine traits, and use that power you have to negotiate a better and more comfortable working environment? And in a world where many of you are now communicating through a screen, vocabulary and attitude are critical when you can’t use body language.

So what is the answer? Do you attempt to conform to the leadership style that’s been historically rewarded with success? Or do you follow your heart and be true to yourself? Should you be true to your feminine, and bring passion and empathy to your workplace, while putting people at the center?

The answer is you don’t need to fall into the trap many women do. You don’t need to put on a very assertive, almost aggressive mask so you can appear more masculine. There is no doubt that kind of attitude will get you noticed (it worked for me) and get you raised and get you ahead. But it can cause more harm than good. This approach can also drain your energy and make you feel like an impostor. And it will detract from your real gifts as a woman.

So what are your feminine traits? The beauty of being a woman is you have the qualities of collaboration, nurture, and communication. Other assets considered feminine are empathy, caregiving, positive emotions, and intuition. These have long gone unrecognized in traditional workplace culture.

Instead, being direct, competitive, and assertive is what makes waves. But, it’s not about female/male; it’s about feminine/masculine. There are plenty of men out there who embody feminine qualities, and vice versa.

You need to tap into your feminine qualities personally and professionally as a source of power. It will ultimately connect you with your authentic self. You are a creative being and have different gifts that meld beautifully and soften and enhance masculine traits. When you are competitive and overly assertive, you lose these gifts and end up with a weaker result. It can negate your power to negotiate with your inner strength.

Women face unique challenges when it comes to negotiating. First off, you can often be viewed as ‘unlikeable’ when you do it. Women are seen as too demanding and not nice. You also lean towards underestimating your professional value. This is because you have been conditioned to avoid assertiveness, which is essential for a successful negotiation.

However, listening, collaboration, and empathy, which are all essential negotiation traits, aren’t in conflict with how you are supposed to behave as a woman. They can help you negotiate with empathy and help avoid adverse outcomes.

When you use your masculine traits and adopt competitive, assertive energy, you are losing out on a much more powerful force inside you? If you stay in your feminine power and competing in a ‘man’s world’, you keep integrity with yourself. And you create irreversible change with everyone you work with.

Your feminine traits can help you re-sign clients and build a community in your workplace. Leaning into your feminine qualities of emotional connection, compassion, and sensitivity, those around you will see you as a thought leader with strength. They make you appear strong and enhance trust. It IS possible to project confidence, power, and authority while staying true to your feminine traits.

You are your most real authentic self. Femininity is about embracing your ability to be vulnerable. And it’s about acknowledging other people’s strengths and helping them use them to benefit everyone in your business. So often, these qualities are lacking in business, and management teams are desperate for it! By encouraging this dynamic, you will have happier employees and a more productive workforce.

5 Ways You Can Use Your Feminine Traits To Negotiate

Here are some traditionally ‘feminine’ traits that can be your superpowers in life and the workplace, and help you negotiate a better environment.

Intuition

Intuition has long been ignored in the workplace in favor of data and facts. But did you know women have an intangible and heightened sensory ability because you use your senses to pick up on other things men may miss? This can be a critical factor in your ability to negotiate. There is such a think ag as ‘women’s intuition.

You will often do this without realizing it. According to research, in general, women are better than men at reading facial expressions. They can pick up on more subtle emotional messages.

It would help if you had intuition AND hard data and facts to assist your performance in the workplace. Or in life in general. The combination enables you to be innovative and successful.

This can be particularly helpful when it comes to what you say. If men and women use the same language when they ask for a raise, a woman is seen as too aggressive unless they demonstrate some kind of warmth or smile. You can restore your ‘warmth’ through a ‘bid for connection.’

This can include:

Asking questions

Listening

Creating an outcome which is beneficial to both of you

Making jokes

Smiling and nodding (but not too much)

If you are a kind and friendly person, you will do this anyway!

Caregiving

Today the best leaders are caregivers. The reason this has always been associated as a feminine quality is that it’s associated with mothering.

But if you are a caregiver in the workplace or life, you nurture talent, encourage your team, and allow people to be open with you. You offer support. And you inspire. And using this mindset when you are negotiating will always bring positive results. If you come from the point of care, you demonstrate you have values, ethics, and passion.

Empathy

There is nothing wrong with caring about what happens to people you work with. Now more than ever, in this time of uncertainty, it’s essential to be concerned with others’ futures. If you are negotiating, you can use this trait to your benefit. You will make people feel heard and understood, and they will connect with you o a human level.

If you know someone else’s goals, fears, aspirations, passions, insecurities, and securities, who has the power? You do, of course. And you also have the potential to do good. You can help someone find their strengths and overcome their barriers. Then they can make an impact that is authentic to them and of value your business.”

Collaboration

A masculine approach is very much ‘I,’ whereas women tend to say ‘we.’ That’s because you realize that the power of a team is diversity. Collaboration is crucial, and the best teams have different kinds of skills and thought leadership at the table. How boring and uncreative would your team be if everyone was the same? And when you collaborate and take on and understand other’s traits, you can come from a position of strength. You can embrace collaboration even when negotiating to get to the result you want.

Cultivating Positive Emotions

Showing emotional intelligence and positive emotions increase someone’s willingness to work with you. And that means they are more open to negotiating with you.

People in positive moods prefer collaboration over competition. By cultivating positive spirits, you can assert your needs and make the other person feel you are doing everything you can to consider theirs.

By demonstrating emotional intelligence on this level, you can also boost your confidence. And you can negotiate better and give someone else greater self-assurance, especially in stressful situations.

Your increased confidence may also reduce your anxiety, which women experience to a greater degree than men when negotiating. Thus you will have a better understanding of other people’s needs and interests, making it easier to find an integrative solution.

There is no doubt it can be difficult sometimes to stay true to your feminine and be successful. But if you can embrace and stand in your power, you will be so much better for it. And, you will be more than surprised by the impact it can have on your life.

If you liked this blog post, check out how to negotiate from worry to empowerment.

Women have been conditioned for centuries to believe womanhood is associated with being over-emotional, over-sensitive, and powerless.

But in fact, your femininity is an ocean of power and magical energy you can utilize. And if you learn how to release and harness that gift, you will be a force to be reckoned with!

In the ’80s, there was a very definite trend toward short haircuts and power suits. The only way you could get ahead was to walk like a man and talk like a man. But while we were on the road to becoming equals, it was at the expense of being a true woman.

Femininity is a term many women feel uncomfortable to use these days, simply because we think it doesn’t sit well with our battle for equal rights. It’s considered a dumbing down of the cause when we focus on the differences between men and women. It emphasizes the differences.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. To shun our femininity is to reject our very essence of nature.

What Is Feminine Energy?

Harnessing your feminine energy potential can do wonders for your negotiation skills in every area of your life. But before you can do that, you need to know, what exactly IS your feminine energy? And how do you know if you are missing out on a source of strength that’s your birthright? As a side note, it’s imperative to stress this concept is not associated with gender. It’s more to do with a specific set of traits.

In our society, masculine traits tend to be valued more than feminine.

But this focus has left us feeling overworked, with little time for ourselves, and we are essentially off-balance.

Masculine energy is associated with independence, aggression, competitiveness, drive, confidence, and arrogance. Feminine energy traits are affiliated with nurturing, love, receptivity, compassion, and care. You have an innate ability to receive, which is crucial to ‘being.’

This allows you to be receptive and open to being filled. And it’s this ‘being’ energy that is the polar opposite of masculine energy, which revolves around ‘doing.’

For example, your feminine side is expressed through creativity, and moving through the flow of your life, as well as in dance and play.

Your masculine side is expressed when you harness your drive to achieve something. You are striving for a goal. Feminine energy can often feel very incongruous when you’re used to pushing forward in every area of your life 24/7.

The Pressure Women Face to Draw on Masculine Energy

Women are told they have to achieve more, hustle like never before, and pursue their dreams with a zeal like their life depended on it. This is, at the same time, a blessing and a curse. You are listening to the sound of a drum forcing you to relentlessly march to a specific beat. You are told you should have your own business or a successful career by the end of your 20’s. And you are supposed to do all of this, while considering having a family, or managing young children, and holding down a steady relationship. Then there is the relentless pressure to look and dress as if you aren’t aging a day over 30.

Our ability to ‘have it all’ is a double-edged sword. To maintain this drive, you have to harness your masculine energy at the expense of your feminine. And it will leave you feeling out of kilter. So how can you get yourself back on an even keel?

5 Tactics You Can Use to Tap into Your Feminine Energy

Reflect on Yourself

Taking even a mere millisecond out of your day to listen to what is going on inside you, can bring you back to your center. Our lives are so busy, and we are continuously forced to be outgoing, as well as push forward on every level. There’s that masculine energy coming to the fore again. This leads to estrangement and a loss of connection deep within.

By reflecting on who and what you are, you can gain insight. Exploring and examining your inner being enables you to move forward. What motivated you in the past? Why did you make those decisions?

Philosopher John Dewey described reflection as a “dynamic and intentional process that profoundly influences one’s experiences.”

Ways you can reflect include writing down how you reacted to specific situations and detailing how they shaped your life. You can also use therapy to reflect and discuss how events have impacted your ‘now.’

Ask and You Shall Receive

Women, by their very nature, can receive and give back more than men. If you receive love, you can return it tenfold. And woe betides if you are crossed. Your anger will be amplified towards the person who hurt or betrayed you.

The issue for women is when you have a problem with receiving, it’s usually associated with the feeling you aren’t good enough. Or you have low self-esteem. Your feminine power to receive means if you ask for more, you will receive more. If you are struggling with this, you need to ask yourself:

*Why am I having a problem with receiving?

*What does my ability to receive mean in the context of my life?

*Is there something in my past which has stopped me from feeling worthy of receiving now?

*Was there an occasion where I felt I was manipulated after receiving something?

There is nothing wrong with asking for favors and support when you need it. And there is nothing wrong with receiving a compliment. Embrace it!

Enjoy receiving from mother nature as well. By standing on grass for five minutes, or just touching a tree, you can receive the beauty of the world around you. This will put you in a more positive and calmer mindset.

Get Creative

Your feminine energy craves personal creativity because it’s a creative force. Dancing is a great way to get yourself into this zone. All you need to do is put on your favorite song, take a few deep breaths, shut your eyes, and then dance with wild abandon! How does this feel in your body? How does this feel in your head? Use the music to translate your feelings.

Painting, pottery, writing, crochet; any form of creation will enable you to tap into your feminine energy. You will feel a sense of freedom and relaxation as you do so. It’s all about expressing your flow. Women were physically designed to create new life. Harnessing your inner creativity is a way of allowing that inner energy you have to burst forth.

Activate and Allow Your Playful Side

If you are joyful and positive, you will be lighter and more adept at tackling anything the world throws at you. Our lives today are lived at a million miles an hour, and we juggle a multitude of projects and tasks.

Downtime and connection have taken second place to getting things done. If you prioritize relaxation in your life, even for just five minutes a day, you will connect to that feminine energy. You can read a book, do some yoga or meditate. Allow for ‘playtime’ in your life. It shouldn’t just be about the tasks at hand. If you can, give yourself a ‘free day’ when you just go with the moment.

Embrace Transformation

Feminine energy enables you to transform. If you are stagnating, then you feel uninspired, tired, and overworked, personally and professionally.

Allow your inner power to come through and make the changes you need to move on to a better place in your life. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something if it isn’t working for you. There is a lot to be said for familiarity breeds contempt. While feminine energy is often associated with quiet rejuvenation, it can also be bold and forceful.

Change is sometimes painful, but it’s necessary to move to the point of regrowth. That’s when the real creativity can happen.

Do You Believe You Are Living in a Man’s World?

There is a lot to be said for ditching the phrase ‘living in a man’s world.’ If you believe that we are in a society dominated by patriarchy that will become a reality in your own life. By acknowledging that, you are adding more fuel to the fire. When you look around you, you will only see men in high positions, women being subjugated, and the social dynamic dominated by males. You will be blinded by the fewer opportunities, the fairer sex, (that’s you) have at their disposal and the disparities in that. And when you look on social media, all you will see is negative posts. Instead, look at the ‘man’s world’ and view it as an opportunity to breakthrough. You need to train yourself NOT to buy into those myths and instead incant and train your brain to think the opposite (i.e. what you desire). Yes, there are challenges, but at no other time in our culture have the prospects been as good for the rise of the feminine and for women to get what they want.

If you want something and pursue your passion and purpose, you will empower yourself. Women have more rights than ever before. We now manage businesses, achieve our dreams, have children, and look after the home. We’re even running countries and being praised for our approach.

A great example of this is Jacinda Ardern, the Prime minister of New Zealand. She not only smashed the coronavirus with her lockdown measures but gave a TV briefing during an earthquake and didn’t even flinch! She also had a baby while in office (the second leader of a country worldwide to do so) and went back to work six weeks later. In fact, with role models like that, some of you would say we are almost setting the bar too high!

Your feminine energy is always there, even if you aren’t aware of it. You have compassion, creativity, and intuition at the core of your being. Reawaken your ability to be sensitive, tender, and nurturing. It will make you unstoppable.

If you liked this blog post, then check out my post on How to Negotiate Sacred Feminine Rage and Harness the Power of Women.

Today, I wanted to share a simple system that I hope you’ll find really helpful in these times.

One element of my Art of Feminine Negotiation program is my A.R.E. F.I.T model. It struck me recently how this model can help you negotiate during these times to show up as your best self and help navigate to make this process easier for yourself and for those that you love.

For those who aren’t familiar with my A.R.E. F.I.T. system, it’s a really simple mnemonic I created to help you remember the concept. Just think, you ARE FIT to negotiate these different times.

A = assertive, R = rapport building, E = empathy, F = flexibility, I = intuition and T = trust.

These six skill-sets are key game changers. While the model is the foundation for all great negotiations, I want to share today how you can apply it to negotiate with yourself through this COVID situation.

A: Get ASSERTIVE with yourself. What do I mean by that? I’m inviting you to consider your mindset with real intention and to recognize it is a choice. I invite you to get assertive with yourself about where your focus goes. Focus on the beautiful gifts that abound out there. Focus on things that you can be grateful for now, in this moment. Focus on the impact you’re having on others. If you’re posting doom and gloom messages on social media right now, just pause and ask yourself, ‘will this best serve me and does this best serve others right now’? Maybe, instead, be intentional to share messages of hope and possibility. Be the light that shines in the darkness, rather than the person who chooses to help perpetuate fear. Be assertive with yourself around perspective. Elevate your perspective. Rather than staying locked down in a place of fear, lift yourself up and get a higher perspective. Also seek perspective of comparing where you’ve been to where you are now and where you want to be at the end of this. That’s a really empowering perspective shift that you get to control. That is a choice you can make.

R: How do you build RAPPORT with yourself? I’m glad you asked. Love yourself unconditionally, always, but especially in these times. Be self-centered. And by that, I don’t mean be selfish. I mean center yourself, ground yourself, let yourself be self-centered. Fall madly, deeply, truly in love with yourself, because otherwise, how can you show up as the best version of yourself? How can you have the most impact on others if you’re not coming from a place where you love yourself unconditionally?

E: Have EMPATHY for yourself. When I talk about being assertive with yourself and your mindset choices, I’m not saying it’s easy. Do I fall off the wagon and not show up as my best self? Oh my gosh, yes! Have I had days since this started when I want to curl up in a ball and just feel overwhelmed with everything pushing in? Absolutely! Give yourself empathy. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to be perfectly imperfect in your humanity. You are going to have moments when you succumb to fear. You’re going to have moments when you probably aren’t your highest self. That’s okay. We’re all human. We are all perfectly imperfect. Just choose not to stay there. Choose to let yourself make better choices next time.

F: Let’s face it, we’re all being forced to be a little FLEXIBLE during this time. What if you let go of the old paradigms and see this ‘new normal’ as a potential gift, not something to be terrified of? Think about the opportunity this presents, with pollution counts down and the chance to see Mother Earth in reprieve, to be able to breathe and take a moment to pause. What a beautiful gift. What if we see this new paradigm shift as an opportunity for us to examine how we’ve been living our lives and getting to make new choices about how we want to go forward? How beautiful is that? Think of yourself as a caterpillar, forced in this quasi cocoon right now with the opportunity to come out with a gorgeous metamorphosis. So be flexible to new ways of being right now and think how you can make that work for you. What a beautiful gift and paradigm shift that simple mindset shift is.

I: As always, and especially in these times, I invite you to trust your INTUITION. You’re no doubt getting information pressing in on us from all sides. It’s easy to let yourself drown in it. Inform yourself, by all means … and … I invite you to reconsider whether you want to stay tied to your TV or news. Check in, find out what you need to know today to keep yourself safe, but don’t obsess about it. Don’t let yourself stay in that dark place. Choose to find more positive perspectives. They’re popping up everywhere if you choose to look for them. Trust your intuition to guide you as to what’s relevant and resonant for you. Make sure you’re being smart about questioning the information you’re getting, and at the end, trust your intuition about what works for you and the people that you love and care about.

T: Speaking of TRUST, I invite you to trust, in your core, that you’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Trust in your ability to make the decisions you need to make for you and the people that you love. Trust in that, and in the universe as well.

In summary, get assertive with yourself around your mindset choices. Build rapport and love yourself unconditionally. Have empathy for yourself. Forgive yourself and give yourself permission to be imperfectly perfectly human. Be flexible about this new paradigm shift, embrace it, and look at it as an opportunity. Trust your intuition. Inform yourself, but ultimately trust what’s right for you and trust that this is all going to be okay and that you’re okay.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Go forward and shine. Be that light that shines in the darkness.