Category: Entrepreneurship

A recent ‘coaching’ call reminded me of the importance of one of the fundamentals of negotiation. I received a call from a distraught colleague who had just lost a deal. They had reached an agreement in principle but then the conversation went sideways and fell off the rails. She was calling for help on how to get it back on track. It was immediately apparent that a basic negotiation principle had been abandoned or forgotten in the heat of the moment.

I see this mistake happen time and again. It’s heartbreaking to watch people lose great deals or jump into bad deals when a few simple tools could have made for a happier ending. In this particular case the deal was at the final stages when the issue of value came up. A few questions on my part made it clear that this was a trigger for both parties, so it wasn’t surprising that things got heated quickly. The other party had taken offence and had a mini meltdown as the deal spiraled out of reach. My colleague now regretted how it had ended and wanted to revive the deal.

I knew some simple tactics that could help achieve that goal but first I wanted to explore the often ignored most important question to consider.

“Are you sure this deal still makes sense for you?” I asked.

This would seem like an obvious thing to consider and yet too often we get so caught up in the chase of the deal that we don’t ensure we keep checking in to make sure the deal still makes sense. Whether it’s determining if the cost or price point is still viable, or if you can live with the terms, or if the relationship is even one you still want to entertain, we often overlook this vital check-in when we fear the deal is slipping away.

One of the elements of my No F.E.A.R. negotiation system is ‘no attachment’. Don’t ever get so attached to getting a deal that you continue to bargain long after it makes sense i.e. when the deal is no longer advantageous for you. Ideally, you always go into a negotiation with crystal clarity around your desired outcomes, where you’ve identified your objectives with specificity. This preparation includes consideration of your bottom line, awareness of the best alternatives to a negotiated settlement and the zone of potential agreement. This consideration should include both tangible and intangible elements of the deal.

In this case, it was clear my prospective new client had started to bargain against herself. Further, she was shaken by the other side’s meltdown and felt the need to right the perceived wrong. I reminded her of the old proverb – when someone shows you who they are, believe them – and I urged her to consider whether she was sure this was a long-term client relationship she wanted to maintain.

This simple exchange gave some perspective and allowed my friend to make a more informed decision about how to proceed. Clarity around your objectives at the outset gives you the certainty and confidence you’ll need to hold the requisite detachment. Not being too attached to the outcome is a powerful place from which to bargain. Be prepared to walk away from a deal if the outcome doesn’t serve you. Be confident in knowing (or trusting) that another deal is waiting around the corner. Great negotiators know when to walk away.

This confidence also allows you to be open to other alternatives. Remember, effective negotiating isn’t a competition. It isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about looking for better results and creative solutions that exceed both parties’ expectations. Ironically, being intentional about not getting too attached to the deal increases the likelihood of securing your desired outcome … and more.

Are you your own best advocate? As women, we tend to bring our A-game advocating for others, but often leave that Momma bear at home when advocating for ourselves. I recently interviewed Heather Hanson (CEO of Advocate to Win) for my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast and we explored the idea of women achieving greater results for themselves by advocating with the tools of a trial attorney. I thought I’d share these hot tips with you here. And the beauty is that you don’t have to go to school for 19+ years to get your law degree and you don’t have to incur the debt of student loans to access this powerful strategy!

You’ve no doubt heard me observe that all of life is a negotiation. Similarly, we all advocate every day. What if you brought the secret weapons of a trial lawyer to bear in your daily advocacy on behalf of yourself? Imagine the power that would come with adopting that approach, with intention to your daily life.

You’ve also no doubt heard me expound that the most important negotiation at the outset is the one with yourself. Heather applies this concept in reference to trial advocacy and so she’s dubbed it your ‘inner jury’. I love this concept. In the courtroom, juries decide between the ‘stories’ (sides) they’re presented with which one they’ll choose to believe. Your inner jury makes decisions every day about which story you tell yourself it ought to believe. Whether it’s competing stories about whether you’re enough (smart enough, powerful enough, pretty enough); scarcity versus abundance; hope versus despair; fear versus faith; … the list goes on.

What if you could apply a litigator’s toolkit first to your inner jury and then to your outer jury?

Let’s start with your language. The best trial attorneys are known for their skill at wordplay and clever use of language to increase their persuasive abilities. You use words every day as well. Think of the increased potential power if you got more intentional about the language you used … with yourself and beyond. Language matters. Our inner voice can either uplift us or shackle us. The words we use can increase our confidence or shake our sense of self. They can create optimism and strength or sap our energy and hope. Choosing to use empowering language with yourself will make you more powerful and allow you to show up as the best version of yourself.

Similarly, the language you use with your ‘outer jury’ will determine your level of influence. Let’s face it, effective advocacy is all about maximizing your influence. And if you think you don’t have an ‘outer jury’, think again. As Heather points out, we all have outer juries, whether it’s your family, friends, clients, etc. The language I use to get my desired outcome with my kids is not the same language I’d use with my intimate partner and certainly not the language I’d use with my clients or with opposing counsel. You get the idea. I invite you to get intentional about your words and how you use them. Don’t risk losing your jury when a little consideration about your messaging could save the day.

Another key to effective advocacy is credibility. You need it in the courtroom, and you need it in life. Again, this starts with your inner jury. You won’t be your most effective advocate unless you believe yourself. I mean that in both senses of the word. You need to believe in yourself. Your self-worth has to be non-negotiable. And you need to believe in your position in order to convince your outer jury to believe in you and whatever you’re advocating for.

Under Heather’s system, she notes that the jury is not there to judge – they’re there to choose. Your inner jury needs to choose what will serve you to help you get what you want in life. Your job is to help your own inner jury “choose the side that will serve you”. Your job as an advocate vis-à-vis the outer jury is to help them choose your position.

Another litigator’s tool is the power of questions. How often have you watched a suspenseful court scene in a movie or T.V. show and wished you wielded the power to have someone ‘succumb’ to your will? The good news is that you don’t have to cross-examine your loved ones or other contacts to get the results you want. Heather and I agree that the starting point is always asking yourself powerful questions to get clarity on what you want, need and how to get there. Once you have that clarity, consider how you can more effectively use questions to sway or move your outer jury to your position. And remember that you’re not trying to overpower or trick your jury. You need your jury to get where you want them to go. In court, we build our arguments through the use of strategic questions. And so can you.

One of the things you’ll want to use those questions for is creating perspective. In the courtroom, one sides presents their version or story. Opposing counsel’s job is then to offer the other perspective. The same holds true in your life. When faced with adversity, obstacles, resistance, your job is to find and give the other side of that story its voice. There is always another perspective. Find that other way of looking at the situation. First for your inner jury, and then for the outer jury.

Once you’ve uncovered the other story, you’ll need to find evidence to support it. For your inner jury, the key is often just allowing yourself to discover that other story – not buying in to the old story that no longer serves you. Once you do that, your brain will work to find evidence to support that reality for you. But be careful. Your brain will try to find that evidence whether you ask it for evidence to the limiting story or the more empowered story. Be sure to choose the empowered version of the story. Re the outer jury, remember your goal is to get them to choose your story. To do that, you need to give them the evidence to support it.

So now, go forth with your new trial advocacy tools and try them out. Practice them. Use them to become your best advocate … to get more of what you want and deserve in life.

Do you ever feel like there is a powerhouse inside you just waiting to come out? If so, you’re right! We all have a powerhouse ready to be released. The key is to nurture the powerhouse mindset to realize your full potential and unleash her to the world. Speaking of powerhouse women, I interviewed Tracy Holland recently for our Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast and wanted to share her insights on this important issue. Tracy built Hatch Beauty from a startup to an award-winning recognized global leader and now spotlights innovation and helps women entrepreneurs amplify their voice and impact.

Here are some hot tips on how to negotiate from your potential to your inner powerhouse.

Negotiate With Yourself

You’ve no doubt heard me say that all of life is a negotiation and the most important initial negotiation is the one with yourself. Tracy agrees. She advocates first negotiating with yourself to up-level. Make sure you’re setting a high enough bar for yourself. Don’t think small. Ask yourself if your ambitions are bold and audacious enough, if you’re thinking big enough, if your perspective is broad enough. Invite yourself to question if perhaps you’re settling. Are you limiting yourself based on what you think you can safely accomplish or are you willing to go for what you believe might be possible? Dare to ask “how big a vision can I have”?

Once you’ve honestly explored the possibilities, then it’s a good idea to determine if it’s what you really want. So often in life – especially as women – we do what we believe is expected of us rather than pursuing our true passions or purpose. The key is to find that balance between ensuring that what you want feels like an aspirational stretch for you and that it’s something that gets you fired up. You want to feel a little tingly at the prospect. You want to ignite your passion and keep that wick lit.

Doing this exercise at the outset of any new venture is critical. And it’s also important to check in with yourself every few months to recalibrate your vision. Take it out (so to speak), hold it up to the light (metaphorically) and really assess, with an open mind and heart, whether or not it still fits and feels right for you.

Avoid Split Energy

Once you’ve set your intentions and gotten clarity around what you want, consider doing a further check-in with yourself to ensure there’s no internal conflict. You’ll want to ensure you’re not undermining your own progress and momentum because of underlying split energies. If you have limiting beliefs or blocks around the vision you’ve set for yourself, it creates an inner tension and conflict that results in split energy and will hold you back from achieving your full potential. If you have split energy around what you want and what you think is possible, your internal negotiation for space around what’s possible will take time and energy away from where you’re heading. It’s impossible to step forward as your best self when you’ve got that split energy happening.

Get Clear About Your Core Beliefs

I invite you next to get clear about what your core values are. These values are the lens through which you see the world. These fundamental beliefs you carry around will impact on how you speak, how you show up, how you connect with others, how you feel about yourself, how you perform and ultimately on your level of success.

Many people go through life not even aware of the limiting beliefs and values they’ve been carrying around. It’s tough to take control of your life if you’re unaware of the values that drive you. The projection of those beliefs onto other people or situations powerfully impacts on how you interpret what you see, how you interpret others’ reactions to you and also inevitably on the meaning you attach and accordingly your own reactions.

Exploring your values and belief systems allows you to consider, with intention, whether they support what you’re trying to achieve or hinder your progress. The powerful mindset shift around choosing your values and beliefs can lead to delicious new experiences and ways of being as you get more purposeful about how you live your life. It’s food for thought and food for your soul.

Tap Into Your Feminine

All the world is energy. And we all have both masculine and feminine energy. But for too long, our society has bought into the myth that it’s a ‘man’s world’. Our definition of success seemed to be crafted almost exclusively based on a masculine model. And so, many women developed and stepped into their masculine, believing that was the only way to succeed, to be heard, to be respected.

We come to believe that our masculine is what gives us confidence. We buy into the idea that to hold power we need to walk into a room forgetting our feminine. It can feel like wearing that masculine energy is an antidote to marginalization. That it somehow allows us to stand out and speak up and disagree in a roomful of men. To state our opinion even if it isn’t popular.

If this resonates with you at any level, I invite you to get reacquainted with the power of your feminine. Reconnect with the secret weapon of the art of feminine negotiation. Rediscover the power of persuasion that comes from rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trust. Explore the edges of where both your feminine and masculine energies stop and start. Embrace the best parts of your feminine. Recognize the power and strength there. Find your authentic centre and let that fuel you.

Let Go of Your Shoulds

Beware of falling prey to your ‘shoulds’. Should is a powerful word that can lead you down a dark and difficult path if misused. When you find yourself self-recriminating that you ‘should’ have done this or ‘shouldn’t’ have done that, it’s time to take a step back to regroup. When you find yourself doing things you don’t want to do because of others’ expectations (or perceived expectations) of you, it’s time to do the recalibration exercise noted above.

If you let your calendar become full of ‘shoulds’ you run the risk of losing your passion and purpose … of feeling trapped and unfulfilled. Ask yourself how much of your day is really coming from a place of impassioned focus where the creative energy and juices are flowing freely versus coming from a place of obligation and expectation. When your should overtake your desires your motivation will dry up and your passion with it.

As women in particular, we tend to be driven by a desire to please and serve as caregiver. With that typically comes a ‘to do’ mentality where we focus on all the things we need to get done.  And we keep putting our own dreams and passions and aspirations on hold in what I’ve come to call the ‘ one day’ mindset. When I finish school, when I have kids, when the kids are gone, when this happens, when that happens. There’s always something else we think needs to happen, and we keep pushing down our own desires, passions and purpose.

This was actually the impetus for my daughter and I to create the Purpose Planner. Instead of being a ‘to do’ driven planner, it’s designed specifically for women to refocus on living your life more fully on purpose and with purpose.

What makes this Purpose Planner different and in a league of its own is that we focus on those things that get you closer to your life-vision, inspire your passion, improve your quality of life, and make you the best version of yourself.

Living into your best life involves living with intention.

This planner will help you:

• Design your life.

• Create clarity about who you want to be and how you want to show up.

• Focus on what really matters.

• Breathe into each moment.

• Live powerfully present with rekindled purpose and passion.

• Live into your dreams and vision.

• Live into your limitless life!

At Women On Purpose we’re passionate about helping you live into your passion and focus on those things that get you closer to living your life-vision.

Hope you got some insights that you can incorporate into your life to step into your inner powerhouse. Here’s to a new way of being.

Welcome to the final part of our Abundance series! I hope you’ve found some value and are taking steps to realize the fullness of the abundant life that’s waiting for you. So far we’ve explored (i) the power of the psychology of wealth and how to get it ; (ii) how to identify and neutralize blocks stopping you from achieving the abundance you deserve ; (iii) how to manifest your desire ; and how to invoke the power of beliefs and power of questions as well as how to overcome fear of failure and fear of ‘no’.  Today we’re going to canvass a powerful exercise to deepen your appreciation of this important subject.

Let’s swap out your disempowering beliefs with more empowering ones. To that end, I invite you to ask yourself:

What belief systems have you developed that could be preventing you from maximizing your potential?

Dig deep. Make a list of your disempowering beliefs.

The limiting and destructive beliefs I’ve held in the past are …

[List as many as you can think of]

By way of example, here were just a few of my destructive and limiting beliefs around money:

• Wanting too much money makes me materialistic.
• It’s what I’ve fought against as a social justice attorney.
• Seeking money would make me a hypocrite.
• With money I’d be seen as ‘one of them’.
• People would see me differently.
• People would take advantage of me.
• Money doesn’t come easily to people like me.
• I don’t have the contacts to make big money.

Once you’ve prepared a fulsome list of your disempowering beliefs (about money and other abundance elements eluding you), next, go over the list and ask yourself the following questions vis-à-vis each item:

What are the consequences of those beliefs?

What opportunities have I lost?

In what ways have I suffered?

What have these beliefs cost me?

[List as many consequences as you can think of]

Let yourself really sit in the feelings those consequences conjure up for you. Allow yourself to feel the full weight of the costs. Invoke all your senses to deepen the experience.

Then it’s time to flip those old stories and substitute them with a new belief system that will propel you into the abundant life you deserve. To that end, ask yourself:

What beliefs do you hold (or can you adopt) to catapult you to reach your dreams more quickly?

Consider what you would have to believe in order to feel more empowered and to succeed. What new reality could you adopt to catapult you to a better reality?

Make a list of these new beliefs.

The expansive and constructive beliefs I now adopt going forward are …

  [List as many as you can think of]

By way of example, here were a few of my new substituted empowering beliefs around money:

• I am rich.
• I deserve to get everything I want.
• I can do great things with money.
• Having money won’t tarnish me or change me – it will empower me to be more of me and to do great things I was destined to do.
• I am abundance unleashed.
• I am infinitely powerful to create unlimited wealth.
• Opportunities are everywhere – I just have to reach out and grab them.
• I am a money-making machine.

Where does your abundance feel stuck? Is it around money? Time? Love? Freedom? Go through this exercise for each of your abundance blocks so you come away with a new more powerful way of thinking, of believing, of being.

Discover the secret weapon of the Art of Abundance! At a time when the economic world is changing and adapting, chaos and stress can disguise immense opportunity to thrive. When others struggle in uncertainty, you can find your greatest opportunity. I invite you to start building this new abundant mindset now and act on it. Don’t wait to start building after the dust settles.

As you negotiate your comeback from the setback of these uncertain times, imagine the power of being able to confidently navigate the road to abundance and success so you can get what you want and deserve from the boardroom to the bedroom.

If this sounds attractive to you, if you’re ready to kickstart your new abundant life, consider joining our new Abundance Breakthrough program. It’s a 3-month success reset program to help you realize the fullness of the abundant life that’s waiting for you. You’ll neutralize the blocks getting in your way and develop your new wealth psychology to manifest your desires and achieve the success that’s waiting for you. It’s your time!

I felt compelled to write this series as too many people seem to be suffering in these unusual times, holding themselves in a place of fear, blocking themselves from stepping into the abundance that surrounds them. We all deserve abundance. You deserve an abundant life. Now is your time to embrace it.

So far we’ve explored (i) the psychology of wealth as the foundation for your maximum success ; (ii) abundance blocks stopping you from achieving the success you deserve ; (iii) how to manifest your desire. Today we were going to canvass some exercises to deepen your appreciation of this important subject. However, as noted above, in Part I we explored the importance of having an abundant mindset i.e. that to attain true wealth you need to develop the psychology of wealth. I received some questions about that and so think it’s worthwhile to explore the power of beliefs in a little more depth.

Power of Beliefs

Never under-estimate the power of your beliefs. I was able to successfully start my own law firm, against all odds, because I had an unshakable belief that it would happen. Ironically, I can’t profess that I was enlightened at the time and invoked the power of positive thinking with intention. Frankly, I was just lucky enough that I didn’t know any better. Having grown up in a low rental apartment building to a family that owned virtually no assets and had no business experience, I had very little knowledge about how the business world worked. And so, when I decided to start my own firm, I just assumed, with the naiveté of youth, that of course it would happen. It didn’t cross my mind that I would even hit any roadblocks, let alone the possibility of failure.

In hindsight, that naiveté was my greatest asset. It was my absolute unquestioning conviction that it would come to pass that allowed me to show up with the confidence to make it happen. I had no money, no assets, no credit, no clients assured, no space secured – not even a business plan to speak of. All the odds were stacked against me. But I didn’t know it. And that was a gift. When I met with the bank manager, I exuded such certainty that she gave me a line of credit to get started. The other beauty of my ignorance is that the line of credit was actually so modest that it shouldn’t really have sufficed. But again, given my background, it seemed like a lot of money to me. I felt rich. I felt abundant. And so I was.

I went on to grow a multi-million-dollar law firm – because I believed I could.

The opposite is also true. As we discussed in Part II, when we carry money baggage and blocks, we can undermine our success and prospects. If you recall, I shared that I had resistance to money, having grown up believing that the rich were greedy and exploitative. Money doesn’t go where it’s not wanted and so I repelled the fullness of success that could have been mine … until I was able to let go of that baggage.

By way of example, I remember the first time we bought a Cadillac Escalade. I loved that vehicle. It was the lushest and smoothest riding vehicle I’d ever owned. But I confess that at some level I was embarrassed of it. It seemed decadent and extravagant. As if I’d turned my back on my roots. When I drove up to a hearing location, if I saw my clients outside the building, I’d drive around to the back so they couldn’t see me show up in my fancy wheels. And what do you think happened to my beloved Cadillac? We lost it. We ran into a tight financial spot and ended up trading in the Cadillac to lease a lesser vehicle. I’m now convinced that it was my resistance, my baggage, my blocks that caused me to self-sabotage and lose the vehicle.

Can you think of an example in your life where you’ve self-sabotaged and prevented yourself from getting to the next level?

Fear of Failure

Also as touched on in Part II, our fears can block our abundance in life. Fear of failure is a big culprit in this regard. Allow me to try to shift your mindset on the issue of failure. What if instead of mourning your failures and hanging your head in mortified dejection, you celebrated them? What if failure is the only path to sustainable success, if you need to fail your way to success, to go through failure to succeed?

Thomas Edison ‘failed’ at creating the light bulb countless times. It was only through those failures, and his persistence and willingness to fail that he achieved success. Is he known for the so-called failures? No. He’s lauded as a genius. Abraham Lincoln apparently failed twice in business and lost 8 out of 10 elections before becoming President of the United States. Do you remember Lincoln for those failures? No. He’s credited with abolishing slavery and considered by many to be the most influential U.S. President in history.

It’s through your failures that you learn, grow, improve and ultimately succeed. Be willing to fail better. I invite you to start a new tradition. In addition to your celebrations, incorporate failabrations; celebrate your failures and recognize that without them you wouldn’t find your way forward. Letting go of your fear of failure will help catapult you to your abundant new self.

Fear of ‘No’

Similarly, fear of ‘no’ will sabotage you from leading your most abundant life. What if women suffragists had given up fighting for the right to vote after being told ‘no’? What if abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and the countless other brave women who fought against slavery had given up when told ‘no’? You get the idea. I invite you to consider that your fear of rejection, of hearing the word ‘no’ may be the thing standing between you and your best self – between you and getting what you want and deserve (from the boardroom to the bedroom).

Check out our blogpost Go For No on this exact issue, where we explore the secret to shift your mindset and to desensitize yourself to the word ‘no’ and to use it as a source of empowerment.

Power of Questions

What’s another positive strategy to help you step into more abundance? Tied to the power of our beliefs is the power of questions. If you ask bad questions, you’ll get bad answers. The opposite is also true. If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers. Maybe it’s time to start asking yourself better questions.

Your brain gives you what it thinks you want. It determines what it thinks you want by the thoughts you feed it. If you expect the worst and ask negative questions, your brain will look for examples to support the negative thoughts, thinking it’s giving you what you want. Why not train your brain to give you the best, to think the best, to expect the best, and to look for examples of the best the world has to offer?

The reticular activating system of our brain is like a supercomputer. Think of it like a Google search bar. If you ask limiting questions, you’ll get limiting answers. If you train yourself to ask more empowered and empowering questions, you’ll get more empowered and empowering answers and so be able to lead a more powerful life.

I invite you to get out of the habit of asking limiting questions like, “Why does nothing good ever happen to me? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with the world?” Imagine instead, waking up every day and asking yourself, “How can I share even more joy, gratitude and love today?” Can you feel the difference in that? When you start each day with that empowering question, your brain will look for solutions and examples. What’s a positive powerful question you could ask yourself today that if your brain put energy into solving it would give you better results?

I encourage you to get intentional about choosing a mindset of hope, optimism and abundance. That starts with asking yourself more powerful questions.

I hope this has given you food for thought on your path to greater abundance.

Welcome to Part III of our series on negotiating abundance. I felt drawn to write about abundance given the current scarcity mindset that is abounding in these unusual times. I want you to have the tools to rise about the fear and uncertainty to step into the opportunities and success waiting for you.

In Part I we addressed the all-important building block, psychology of wealth. To achieve true wealth and abundance we first need to develop the right mindset. We also identified money scripts that drive most people. In Part II we explored the blocks that may be stopping you from achieving the success you deserve. In this part, as promised, we’re going to uncover tips to manifest your desires.

Manifesting your desires is tied to the psychology and mindset work we talked about in Part I. Before we can take action we have to build an abundance mindset. Where your focus goes, energy flows. What do I mean by that? You’ll find what you’re looking for. If we’re expecting and looking for what’s wrong in life, we’ll find it. So why not look for what’s right? Look for the miracles all around you.

We take for granted today so many resources that weren’t even available to the uber-rich a few short generations ago. Think of our travel opportunities, communications … even heat and running water. Think of our health. Not only are our bodies miracles – the millions of things that have to work in perfect synchronicity for our bodies to function – but the advances in health care are astounding. I got a much fuller appreciation of this when our daughter was diagnosed with a serious heart defect and needed open heart surgery at 2 months old. It opened my eyes to the gratitude we can hold for the miracle that these complicated organs work at all.

You can manifest what you desire with this simple formula:

• Focus on the desire.
• Believe you can have it … it’s within your reach.
• Be hungry for it.

When I say be ‘hungry’, that’s not needy. Neediness pushes away what you want in life. Just think about your high school crushes. The same is true of money, health, love and abundance.

Note the flip side of this coin is also true. You can manifest your greatest fears if you worry about them. Which camp do you fall in? Do you focus on your desires or worry about your fears? Remember you will attract what you focus on. So I invite you to get intentional about your focus.

I also invite you to consider how you see yourself right now. Do you see yourself as rich? Poor? Middle class? It will be challenging to manifest your full abundance if you can’t see yourself as already rich right now. We tend to guard our identities … even when they don’t service us. If you see yourself as poor (or even middle class) you’ll push away that which conflicts with that identity.

How can you start to see yourself as rich? That’s a more powerful identity so why not choose that?

I Be Grateful

They say the richest people are those with the most gratitude and appreciation in life. I invite you to start a gratitude practice. Think of at least 3 things you can be grateful for every day. Retrain your mind to find appreciation for what you already have in abundance – even if it’s sunshine, water, air, food or shelter. Retraining your mind allows you to become more resourceful, which in turn will create more abundance to be grateful for … and so on in a positive spiral upwards.

I challenge you to find some things in your life that you begrudge and find a way to put a positive spin on them to allow gratitude for them. It brings to mind the Scott McCrearie song, Dirty Dishes, where the mom says a prayer for ‘noisy children, slamming doors, clothes on the floor, messy kitchens and dirty dishes’ … because it means a house full of love and enough food, etc. You get the idea.

As you retrain your mind, try to give thanks and gratitude in advance for the things you desire – don’t wait until you get them. In that way, you can help to manifest them.

Join us for the next article in the series as I share some exercises to help you on your abundance journey!

Are you searching for more abundance in your life? Are you suffering in these unusual times, feeling lack and loss? Last week I kick-started a series on abundance because I believe now is the time to rise above the current climate of fear and uncertainty and step into the success that is waiting for you. Opportunities abound right now. Before you can take action though, you must build the right mindset to attract and create wealth. This series is designed to help you with that.

In Part I we talked about the psychology of wealth and introduced money scripts. I promised that in Part II we’d explore and deconstruct abundance blocks that may be interfering with your ability to get what you want and desire.

Abundance Blocks

If you’re wanting more abundance than you’re currently experiencing, at some level you’re blocking that abundance. Raising your awareness about your own limiting beliefs and blocks is a key first step to shifting to an abundance mindset. By identifying and challenging your current blocks, you’re on the road to substitute them with more empowering beliefs that will elevate your vibrational frequency to attract unlimited abundance into your life.

Here are just a few examples of blocks that may be interfering with your most fulfilling life.

Negative Assumptions About Money

 

Do you have negative associations about money? If so, you’re not alone. Most women carry significant money baggage. Given our historical circumstances, where not only were we not allowed to hold property, but we were often considered to be property, this is perhaps not surprising.

Added to that, women are conditioned from a young age to be and be seen as selfless nurturers and caregivers. This can lead women to resist money, believing (whether conscious or unconscious) that desiring money is bad … that they need to be above money, only coming from a place of ‘caring’ (as if the two were somehow mutually exclusive).

Or maybe (like me) you came from a low-income family and experienced fights between your parents about money growing up. This creates resistance and conflicting emotions around money and wealth. It creates a story that money is the root of all evil and/or that wealthy people are corrupt, greedy or entitled.

Money does not go where it is not wanted. And so, when you have negative thoughts and feelings about money, you repel it. Let me share an analogy I heard someone offer up once that I just loved. I invite you to think of money as a hot date prospect. But unbeknownst to you, the prospect can read your deepest thoughts. Do you think any hot prospect will be attracted to you if your inner most thoughts about him/her were all negative and indicated repulsion or distaste? Of course not. Think of money the same way. If your thoughts about money reflect resistance, then you will almost certainly not be able to attract it in any sustainable way in your life.

Believing You Don’t Deserve Money or You’re Not Enough

Do you find yourself believing that ‘good luck’ or fortune only happens to other people? Do you believe that money only comes to those who are connected, have a leg up, or are otherwise just lucky … and you’re none of those things?

Or do you believe that money only comes to those who work really hard, and you just haven’t done enough to deserve it yet?

Again, these limiting beliefs come from our conditioning growing up. Especially as women, we’re more likely to judge ourselves as undeserving. At our core, we often grow up questioning our worth … questioning our value … believing that we’re ‘not enough’.

This is a key focus in my coaching work with my clients as it stops women from asking for what they want and deserve and holds them back from achieving their full potential. We don’t celebrate our successes enough as women. I have my clients start a ‘Brag List’ as one part of the antidote. I invite you to do the same. List as many positive attributes as you can think of about yourself – physical, mental, attitude. Things you’re good at. Things you’ve accomplished. Nice things people have said about you. Nice things people should have said about you. List them all. Read this every night before bed AND add to it.

As women, we need to start owning our worth before we can fully step into the abundant life we’re meant to live.

Living in a ‘One Day’ mindset

If you find yourself thinking “if or when I can just get x, then I would be …” or “when this happens, then I can …”, then you’re in what I call a ‘one day’ mindset. This is a dangerous place to be as ‘one day’ rarely comes. When we fall into this trap, there will always be another hurdle, another ‘thing to get’ or ‘thing that needs to happen’ before you allow yourself to go for what you want.

Successful people focus on BEING. Become a match to the vibration you want (as discussed in Part I). Don’t put your life on hold, pushing away the abundance that awaits you, waiting for some external catalyst. Be your own catalyst. Become abundant by choosing an abundance mindset.

Living with Fear

 

We all have fears. We can either learn to use those fears to fuel us or we can let them stifle us from reaching our full potential. There are a host of fears that can block us from our abundance. Fear of loss, change, growth, success, rejection, failure or the unknown, to name a few. This is such an important area for self-mastery that I created a book: No F.E.A.R. Negotiating. Grab your free copy here

These fears are powerful blocks that hold us back until we learn to master them. Identifying your fears is a key first step to your money mindset freedom. Otherwise, you may be plagued by beliefs that you can never have enough money, or that money will give you meaning, or that if only you had more money things would be better. All of these beliefs will inhibit your natural ability to attract abundance.

Environment

 

Are you surrounded by people who are abundant and who support your ambition and goals unconditionally? Or, even with the best of intentions, do the people in your life make you question your ability to take risks to succeed? They say you’re likely to be in a position that’s the average of the 5 people you most spend time with. So, I invite you take a close look at your current ‘inner circle’. If it’s not filled with people who uplift and inspire you to be the best possible version of you, then it’s time to add some new people into your inner circle.

In addition to the people we surround ourself with, our physical environment is also key in our ability to attract abundance. Money likes order. If your physical space is disorganized and your banking/financial records are chaotic, it may be time to reframe your environment to reframe your thoughts.

Resistance to Receive

 

As noted above, women are typically conditioned to see themselves as caregivers. We tend to martyr ourselves, believing it’s incumbent upon us to always be in the giving role. As a result, we resist receiving … in everything from compliments, to gifts, to personal abundance. This resistance repels money and blocks us from achieving all that could be available to us.

I was guilty of this for many years. Going out, I always insisted on picking up the tab. I’d say, “You can get it next time”. But next time I’d do the same thing. I had to do the inner work necessary to identify this as a symptom of my money blocks before I could work on resolving it and attracting the abundance I deserved.

Lack of clarity or specificity

Having vague concepts of our wants is a weak magnet and not likely to bring us abundance. If Aladdin shared his magic lamp with you, would your 3 wishes be specific enough to ensure you get what you want?

It’s important to have clarity around your visions and dreams. Determine what your goals are with specificity. Have a blueprint for the future you want. Don’t just wish for ‘more money’. Aspire to achieve a specific amount of money within a specified period of time. Then your brain (and the universe in response) can start the process of making it a reality. Don’t just dream that you’d like ‘to travel’. Imagine your white villa on the cliffs of Santorini overlooking the azure Mediterranean.

Do you recognize any of these blocks in your life? If so, celebrate! It means you’re on your way to dissolving the blocks that have been getting in the way of your infinite abundance!

In these unusual times, do you feel abundant? Are you confident you can negotiate to get what you want and deserve? Or are you uncertain, frozen in place, afraid to move forward, reverting to a protective posture? I’d like to help you rise above the current climate of fear to take advantage of opportunities that abound. While others are hunkering down preparing for winter, you can plant the seeds for a better future for yourself!

My goal is to kickstart or at least set you on the path to an abundance mindset so you can master how to negotiate your way through the financial hardships and uncertainty of these times, both personally and professionally.

Money is a triggering subject. Especially for women. It’s no surprise when you consider that it’s only recent history we’ve been allowed to own property or have credit in our own name. This history has created limiting beliefs for most women around wealth and money. That baggage holds us back from stepping into the fullness of the abundance we deserve.

Psychology of Wealth

This becomes particularly relevant during times like these as the psychology we have during times of crisis is one of the most important factors in determining our success. In fact, it’s said that 80% of success is determined by one’s psychology. Mechanics only count for 20%.

We’re experiencing a defining time in history, where the economic world as we know it is changing before our eyes. Before we can take effective action, we need to build the right mindset to attract and create wealth. If you’ve been wanting more abundance than you’re currently experiencing in your life, then at some level you’re blocking that money and wealth.

Money does not go where it’s not wanted. If we’re still carrying old stories about money that hold resistance at some level, then we’re repelling money. For many years I wasn’t aware of how my money baggage held me back. I grew up in a low rental apartment complex and when I switched to a middle school (on the ‘other side of the creek’) and my new friends (who lived in fancy houses) weren’t allowed to come to my place because of where I lived, something shifted.

On the one hand, I became driven to succeed. To have more space, more money, more respect. But the flip side of that coin was that I came to see the wealthy as judgmental, exploitative and greedy. I didn’t want to become one of ‘them’. And so started a contradiction that prevented me from attracting true abundance. As long as I saw wealth as an ‘us and them’, I set myself apart and repelled the very abundance I was seeking. It set up a pattern of unconscious self-sabotage.

Even though I built a successful law firm, it seemed that every time I reached a certain level of success, I plateaued. Or worse, something happened to set me back. Have you ever had that experience?

That experience is not surprising when you consider the Law of Attraction. Everything in this world is energy and everything vibrates. You attract what vibrates in tune with your personal vibration. If you’re not attracting what you want in your life, you need to change your frequency. Think of a radio. Every station has its own frequency. You need to dial in to the frequency (station) you what to hear and get the content you desire.

The same holds true for your desires in love or money and time freedom. There’s a specific vibration for those results. If your thoughts are about shame, fear, blame, guilt, judgment, or scarcity, imagine what your vibration will be. It certainly won’t be in sync with abundance.

If you’re vibrating at abundance, you will attract abundance.

True wealth isn’t simply attaining the economic milestones you desire. It’s experiencing an ongoing feeling of absolute abundance – emotional strength and happiness, gratitude for the privileges we share, opportunities to enjoy, have, do, be, and give so many things in life.

Most people don’t master the art of financial abundance because they don’t realize that riches don’t come from money. True riches only come from an affluent psychology. If you don’t practice the psychology that creates the wealth, you’ll never create lasting wealth and happiness. You need both to attain what you really want.

Creating that psychology of wealth starts with understanding the barriers that prevent you from taking advantage of all the opportunities available to you. Your vibrational frequency gets set by your subconscious beliefs. We all develop belief systems that do not serve us and/or that send us in conflicting directions. Some people call these limiting beliefs. Some call them money or abundance blocks.

Money Scripts

Financial psychologists, Brad and Ted Klontz, call them money scripts. They suggest there are 4 basic money scripts that people follow.

I           Avoidance:

Money avoiders typically have trouble sticking to a budget and avoid bank statements and the like. They tend to overspend and sacrifice their financial well-being for others. They may hoard. Essentially, money avoiders see money as bad, and as a result end up sabotaging their own financial success by pushing it away in an unconscious effort to have as little of it as possible.

II          Worship:

Money worshippers see money as the key to happiness and the solution to all their problems. However, they likely also believe you can never have enough money and, therefore, they will never be able to afford all the things they want in life.

III         Status:

People with money status scripts attach their self-worth to money. They see their value as determined by their net worth. They may overspend in an attempt to convince others they’re financially successful.

IV         Vigilance:

People who fall into the money vigilant category tend to be concerned about their financial well-being and so are watchful and alert. They likely believe you need to work hard for money, to save, and not give or be given handouts. But, money vigilants often have a hard time spending and enjoying the money they’ve saved.

Which money script do you follow?

Raising your awareness about your own limiting beliefs, blocks and scripts is a key first step to shifting to an abundance mindset. This series is designed to help you identify your hidden blocks and destructive unconscious belief systems and allow you to substitute them with more empowering beliefs that will elevate your vibrational frequency to attract unlimited abundance into your life.

In Part II, we’ll explore and deconstruct 8 abundance blocks that may be interfering with your ability to get what you want and desire. You won’t want to miss it!

What if the rise of the feminine voice was the key to our future?

Voice is said to be the most critical component of communication and communication is recognized as a necessity in this global world. Ideas, and how we communicate them are vital to our very survival today. Voice determines the way we’re perceived, understood, and treated.

Voice determines who gets heard. Voice determines both change … and lack of change.

So how did the world scales tip to such a state of imbalance?

All the world is energy. We all have masculine and feminine energies. And yet, the feminine voice has been discounted, and outright suppressed for generations.

It’s recent history that women secured the right to vote, hold property and even be recognized as ‘persons’ in the eyes of the law in some jurisdictions. Heck, in the history of our human experience, it’s relatively recent history that powerful women were burned at the stake as witches and men embracing their feminine strength were persecuted.

We bought into the myth that we live in a ‘man’s world’. We came to define success based on a ‘masculine’ model. So, maybe it’s not surprising that people hesitate to step into the full force of their feminine power. That both women and men eschew their feminine in favour of a ‘take no prisoners’ approach to life and business.

And so, we continue to tip the scales.

I was guilty of tipping the scales for many years. As an attorney, my clients called me Barracuda. They meant it as a compliment, and I’m now embarrassed to acknowledge that I wore it like a badge of honour for many years. I bought into the myth that toughness carried the day and that if I wanted to be heard, I needed to stifle my feminine.

And studies would suggest there was some truth to that. Women are still consistently talked over … in social settings, in boardrooms, even in the Supreme Court of the United States.

They actually painstakingly reviewed Supreme court transcripts and found that female justices were interrupted and talked over in significantly higher numbers than their male counterparts on the bench.

So perhaps you’ll forgive me if I thought my feminine energy was a liability. Note, this wasn’t conscious. It was the insidious nature of the unconscious gender bias that was so powerful … and dangerous.

If I asked you if you believe you’re biased against women, you’d probably deny it. And you’d almost certainly be wrong. Because we all carry deeply conditioned gender biases. And I’m not just talking about bias by men against women, but also by women against women. And even women against themselves.

Did you know that in a study of young women writing their SAT’s, where half the control group were asked to identify their gender in advance of writing the test – simply checking off if they were male or female – they performed more poorly?

Think about that for a moment. Think of the profound internal gender bias at play if simply bringing our attention to our ‘femaleness’ has us underperform.

In another study, participants were asked to select the best candidate for a job, and unbeknownst to them the top two resumes were identical except for the name – one was a male name, the other female. In overwhelming numbers both male and female participants chose the male candidate. Based on identical resumes.

Similarly, for decades, very few women played in professional symphonies. Gender bias allegations around the selection process were scoffed at. Yet when blind auditions were held women started getting selected.

As more people reject their feminine strengths in favour of masculine, believing that’s the only way to succeed, the world shifts out of balance.

What’s the impact of that?

Some say we’re now living in an era of the best of times and worst of times. Technological advances that would have been unthinkable not long ago are now commonplace. Our average cell phone is said to hold access to more information than J.F.K. had available as President of the United States.

We have such potential at our fingertips. And yet, suicide rates are at an all-time high.

Depression and anxiety as well. Across ages and cultures. We’re experiencing the effects of climate change … and now the chaos of COVID.

We have more communication tools and yet less connection.

More resources and yet we feel more helpless.

So what do we do? How do we take control of our lives when we have so little control over much of what happens around us? Maybe we can’t control what happens, but we can control how we choose to react, how we choose to show up, how we choose to negotiate this thing called life. And make no mistake. It is a negotiation. And it is a choice.

As an attorney for 30 years, negotiating high stakes deals in intense environments, I had an epiphany. I realized that all of life is a negotiation. And I’ve seen firsthand the costs when people don’t negotiate life on their terms.

So I researched and dug deep. And I asked myself, what if everything we thought we knew about negotiation was wrong. In fact, what if it was counter-productive?

And sure enough, when I examined the key skill sets that make and mark the most effective negotiators, it comes down to six elements.

• Assertiveness
• Rapport-building
• Empathy
• Flexibility
• Intuition
• Trust

I’ve created a simple mnemonic to help you remember.

A.R.E. F.I.T.

Just think, you ‘are fit’ to be a great negotiator.

Leaving aside, assertiveness for a moment, 5 out of 6 of these factors are typically considered ‘soft skills’ or ‘feminine traits’.

And even for assertiveness, the misconception is that people often conflate assertiveness with aggressiveness and assume this is not a feminine skill. They are not the same thing.

Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s that simple.

And besides, anyone who’s ever seen a woman step up to advocate for her child, or an aging parent, or any vulnerable person they care about knows they most certainly can bring assertiveness to the table.

My first whisper of what I’ve come to call the Art of Feminine Negotiation came when my daughter was diagnosed with a serious heart defect at only 2 months old and she needed open heart surgery. We spent almost 3 months in critical care in the Hospital for Sick Kids.

And if you ever thought there was a time that I’d bring my Barracuda to the table that would have been it … when we were negotiating for her life every day.

And yet, I didn’t.

I employed the A.R.E. F.I.T model before I’d even developed the concept. Every day in that hospital, operating solely on pure feminine strength and intuition I was building rapport, bringing empathy to the table, being flexible as the ground shifted beneath our feet from moment to moment, trusting my intuition and building trust with all the players. And was I assertive? You bet!

And against all odds and predictions, we were able to bring our beautiful daughter home and I’m happy to report she’s now 24 and has never needed surgery or even heart medication again.

For those of you who tap into your feminine, you already use these skills in a myriad of ways every day – you’ve likely just never thought about it as negotiation. And for those who tap into their masculine, these are skills you have – you just need to start using them with intention.

You’ve likely been conditioned to see them as signs of weakness.

I invite you to flip that perception. Turn that story upside down. It’s easier than you’d think to incorporate these elements to elevate your influence and persuasive abilities. Studies confirm that people who show up and invoke these so-called feminine skills in negotiating their lives get better outcomes, more creative outcomes, better buy-in, less conflict, longer lasting agreements, better relationships, and more positive impact – both personally and professionally.

The world is out of balance now. The feminine voice has been diminished and that imbalance is leading to chaos.

I invite you to close your eyes and imagine a world where we all negotiate life from a place of powerful feminine persuasion. Where we seek to build stronger relationships, not coming from a place of competition, not looking just to meet our needs, but also to understand and meet the needs of others, valuing and respecting our differences and stepping into the best of our humanity.

And the gift of that approach is that it will not only amplify your success in getting what you want and need, but will pave the path to create even better solutions than could have been anticipated from traditional models.

Imagine the ripple effects of a world where that became our new model for negotiating our lives?  The ripple effect of that kind of transformation cannot be over-stated.

I invite you to be the key to shift the world out of fear and uncertainty to powerful resilience and possibility. Because we all deserve that.

Emotions. They can sometimes get the better of you. Have you ever had emotion interfere with a possible resolution or interfere in a conflict situation? If you’re like most people, the answer is almost certainly ‘yes’. Some people believe emotion is a valuable tool in facing conflict while others argue that emotion has no place in negotiations. The truth is, if you are in a negotiating situation, emotions can be your friend or foe. In addition to material interests at stake in any negotiation, people also have emotional needs. So, ignore emotions at your peril!

According to The Harvard Concept, one of the critical factors in negotiation is that you need to separate the person from the problem. But how easy is it to do that? Whether you are negotiating over custody of your child or talking to your boss about your raise, you are emotionally invested. It’s hard to separate that.

How can this play out in a high stake’s situation? Chris Voss, a former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, discusses this in his book, Never Split The Difference. He quite rightly asks: “How can you separate people from the problem when people ARE the problem?”

Emotion can frequently derail communication. When your feelings are riding high in either direction, rationality may go out the window. A good negotiator sees emotion as the means to a successful negotiation, not something that is a hindrance.

Research done by The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the importance of emotion in the successful negotiation equation. The study analyzed the roles of anger and disappointment. Participants had to decide how many chips to distribute between themselves and a partner. Their partner had the option to either accept the offer or reject it. If they said no, neither of them received any chips. However, before participants made their offer, a computer told them (with a fake message) if their partner was angry or disappointed.

Traditional negotiations suggest showing disappointment is a sign of weakness that can be exploited. Your counterpart could potentially use it to make you accept a lower offer. But whether that happened depended on the relationship between the two people involved. If there was a connection, i.e., they knew each other, the disappointment provoked guilt. And it resulted in a higher offer. When anger was demonstrated, whether there was a connection or not, a higher offer was the end result.

A better and more measured approach is to look at your emotions as helpful rather than a hindrance. Daniel Goleman suggests in his book, Emotional Intelligence, you need to take into consideration the following aspects:

• Feelings – look at your own feelings and assess: what is making you angry?
• Thoughts – how are your feelings impacting your thinking regarding the negotiation?
• Behavior – how does your thinking control your behavior when involved in the negotiation?

The International Negotiation Authority backs this theoretical approach by suggesting extreme behavioral patterns can be useful. Why? Because you can draw conclusions on the thinking of your counterpart and the feeling behind their approach. If you provoke extreme behavior, you get them to show their hand. But it is important to remember you must remain courteous and respectful at all times when doing this.

If you’ve seen the film Dog Day Afternoon, you saw how harnessing emotion can give you the upper hand. In the movie, things are spiraling out of control for Sonny Wortzik (Al Pacino). The would-be-bank robber has no viable getaway plan, and he’s surrounded by cops. Backed into a corner, he’s threatening to kill his hostages. The negotiation with the emotional Sergeant Eugene Moretti (Charles Durning) had descended into rants and threats.

In steps FBI Agent Sheldon (James Broderick), who lays down the law. Noting Sonny’s anger and anxiety, he comes in cool and calm. Speaking firmly, Sheldon says: “No more favors, Sonny. That’s all over… I’d like to work with you on this, not against you… I wouldn’t like to [kill you], but I will if I have to.” He’s got his counterpart’s attention.

This example demonstrates how, when emotions are aroused, thinking logically can go out the window. But by being sincere and genuine, and keeping a cool head, Agent Sheldon is able to get things back in hand.

There is a school of thought that using a well-timed threat in negotiation can help give you an advantage. (It did in this fictional instance: “I wouldn’t like to [kill you], but I will if I have to.”) But it has to be handled with care and conscience. That may be well and good in a big business deal (although even then it’s not an avenue I usually suggest – anger and threats are never the best policy) but what if you’re dealing with something personal? Negotiating with your friends, your partner, or your children? This isn’t a sensible approach to take.

However, the power of silence is a great play. In a great scene from the popular comedy series 30 Rock, grumpy nanny Cerie (Katrina Bowden) gets Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) to double her pay for half the time. How? By not saying a word! Jack has his usual swagger at the outset. But by keeping quiet, he then loses control and caves in to her demands. He’s appalled at his own lack of negotiation skills: “I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. I spoke first, I smiled … I negotiated with myself!”

For more on how to use silence in negotiations, see my blogpost

So how can you use your emotion to your advantage? As a negotiator, you have to decide to use emotion or to let it use you. Sometimes it can be an effective instrument of persuasion. It can win support for your position. But it’s a risky proposition. Here are some do’s and don’ts you can use, which will help you keep control.

Negotiation Emotional Do’s And Don’ts

Do self-regulate

What is self-regulation? It’s your efforts to change your thoughts, emotions, and behavior so you can improve your goals, make better plans, and stop yourself from being influenced by the plans of those around you. For example, you could be dealing with the worry over overcoming your anger in the negotiation. Or you may be struggling with ‘low power’. If you have a weak BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement), you could anchor your judgments and outcomes in a similar way. I discuss this technique in more depth in my programs. So, set yourself goals for the negotiation, identify what your counterpart is trying to achieve and understand THEIR emotions. Then you can manage the situation. Be adaptable in the process.

Do practice tactical empathy

If you can label your counterparts’ fears, you can disarm them. How do you do this? By saying to them: “It looks like you’re afraid of X” you can gain control. Another tactic is to list all the negative things they could say about you…and get to them first! By expressing these concerns, it will stop your counterpart from letting that negativity fester and will take away its power.

Do get them to agree with you

Convince someone you know what they want to get a breakthrough. Get them to say: “that’s right”. They’ll feel you are on the same page. You can do this by summarizing what they are asking for. If you do this based on their feelings, you create a subconscious realization in them, which confirms you have empathy with them.

Do let them think they are in control

If you want the upper hand in the negotiation, let your counterpart believe they are in control. If you don’t force them to admit you are in the right, your counterpart will think they have the power. You can do this by asking, “How?” and “What?” They then have to use mental energy to figure out the answer.

Do mirror their words

Mirroring automatically establishes a rapport with someone. You can do this by mirroring their body language, or you can do it verbally. Repeat their words back to them. They will then feel safe and are more likely to open up to you. You can also upward inflect like a question at the end of a sentence. This can slow the conversation so you can think more clearly about your answers.

Don’t go for a yes

People get defensive if they are pushed to say yes. In the legal world, we call it ‘cornering.’ Your counterpart will feel safer saying ‘no.’ You can ask, “is now a bad time to talk?” Note that there is some debate about this. Many negotiation educators will encourage you to always frame your questions to build a series of ‘yeses’ leading to the end result you want.

Don’t underestimate the role of emotional intelligence

We touched on emotional intelligence when discussing self-regulating above. It’s one on five elements of emotional intelligence – the others are:

• Knowing your emotions
• Motivating yourself
• Managing relationships
• Recognizing and understanding the emotions of others

You can learn a lot when you are looking at what’s NOT being said. This is a vast topic, and my programs look at these nuances, but in the case of negotiating and emotion, having the ability to accurately identify emotions (in oneself and others) and understand and manage those emotions successfully (or emotional intelligence) can aid your success when negotiating. If you are emotionally intelligent, you can create safe, functional, and relieving relations within their family, friends, and work.

You aren’t responsible for other people’s faults and feelings. And when you acknowledge that you will feel less guilty. Thus, you are more self-assured, and your counterpart has more faith in your proposal.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself before going into your negotiation to have strong emotional intelligence:

• What feelings do you want to have going into the negotiation?
• Why do you want those feelings?
• What can you do beforehand to ensure you feel that way?
• What could put you off balance during negotiation?
• If that happens, how do you recover your poise?
• How do you want to feel when the negotiation is over?

Don’t let yourself get thrown off balance in the negotiation

Everyone has a different ‘button’ or trigger which can throw them off course in a negotiation. While you may have unlimited patience, your counterpart may find it excruciating if talks go on and on. Can you think of a negotiating experience in the past when you were particularly annoyed? What was the reason? By analyzing that, you can establish what threw you off. And you can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

If you do get thrown off course, a great way to regain your composure is to take a break. This will enable you to clear your head. You are pressing the reset button in the discussion and disrupting the dysfunction. If you can’t leave, then change the conversation focus. An example is if the nuts and bolts aren’t fitting, look at the broader process regarding your negotiation. And by asserting control, you can get back IN control.

Don’t enter into the negotiation without thinking of your feelings at the end

You may say to yourself you want to feel “relieved” or “satisfied” by the end of the negotiation. If you enter into it with that attitude, it means you are accepting not everything in the process is within your control. But, you can recognize, manage, and learn from emotion. And you can also deepen your own emotional awareness and become more attuned to the feelings of others.

Athletes don’t just prepare physically; they prepare mentally by getting “in the zone.” By thinking about the goal, and the end result, they put themselves in a stronger position to achieve their outcome. So, make sure you prepare emotionally as well as substantively for any high-stakes negotiation. It will put you in a position of strength when you enter into the negotiation itself.

If you enjoyed reading this blog post, then check out how to flip your story and flip your life.