Category: Entrepreneurship

Know the When

Last week, we started our 5 W’s of highly effective negotiation series. For those with short memories (menopause and mom-brain come to mind), or those just joining us, I’m talking about those 5 powerful little monosyllabic words – who, what, where, when & why. If you recall, I suggested that negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and can better navigate the sometimes murky waters of mediation and negotiation. Our kick-start to the discussion tackled knowing your why going in to a negotiation. Today, we take on the importance of knowing the when of your negotiations.

Timing is everything. You’ve no doubt heard that expression a thousand times. And yet, most people still don’t factor timing as an item to address with intention in their negotiations. As kids we knew it intuitively. Do you remember waiting until your mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that thing you desperately wanted but knew would be an uphill battle? We instinctively tried to stack odds in our favour – line up the check marks to maximize our chances of success. When we let our eager impatience get the best of us and forged ahead despite all the warning signs, and ended up tanking our quest, we recognized our timing faux pas (although we wouldn’t have called it that) immediately. And yet, somehow, we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are likely higher.

Heck, many people don’t even consider when the negotiations have started. Laying the foundation in advance of the ‘formal’ negotiation can be a key first step to getting the results you want. Make no mistake, whether it’s you or the other party setting down the groundwork, the negotiation has started at that point. If you’re not aware that the other side is already negotiating you may unwittingly be standing in the path of an unseen wrecking ball. Preparation is an essential element of the negotiation process. It just may be the most important element. In fact, as a basic starting point on this issue, consider it a new ground rule that the time (or when) is almost never right unless and until you’re prepared.

Part of that preparation is actively considering the most strategically advantageous timing for your negotiation. Depending on the subject of your negotiation, consider time of year, month and even day. There’s no point seeking a raise the day after budgets for the year have been finalized. Or pitching for a July family vacation the day after your only child just accepted an intensive summer internship. Asking for a bonus or perk during peak selling months is likely to be more effective than asking during winter lows. Did you just lose a big account or conversely have a record quarter? Are you a morning person or evening? What about the person you’re negotiating with? Be tactical and deliberate where possible on whether the negotiation is best served over breakfast versus dinner, or on the way out the door versus bedtime. Is this a vacation conversation, better tackled away from the distractions of everyday life? These may not seem significant, but why not maximize every possible advantage? Use the law of probabilities to your benefit.

From an emotional perspective, you’ll want to consider both your state and that of the other side in determining if the timing is right. For example, are you (or they) in a good mood or angry, stressed or relaxed? Are they in the middle of a big deal that’s going south? If so, is that an advantage or disadvantage to getting what you want at that moment? As humans, most of us can’t avoid being affected by emotions. Simply put, our state matters in negotiations. If you can control the timing, factor this in. (Or alternatively learn to control your state). Either way, be aware of the other person’s state and be intentional about how that plays into the timing of your negotiation.

Another aspect of timing in negotiations is the question of how much time you allot for the negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed. You don’t want to hurry to a conclusion to your detriment, leaving too much on the table in your haste to close the deal. By contrast, sometimes urgency is your friend in the bargaining process. Again, the trick is to be intentional. Use it with purpose. Equally, be sure not to let the other party use it against you, by pressuring you with artificial time limits or other time constraints into negotiating against yourself or not giving yourself the time you need to fully consider your position. Have you ever rushed into an agreement that you lived to regret? Be conscious to control the when of your negotiations to avoid this pitfall.

Hopefully you’re beginning to see the possibilities in managing the when of negotiations. This article just scratches the surface of this potential minefield. The idea is just to get you thinking about these 5 W’s as serious factors to be considered and applied with forethought and intention. Sometimes the when of negotiations is beyond our control. Life happens. Situations or opportunities arise unexpectedly. I get that. But if you start consciously considering timing as a factor to weigh, whenever possible, you’ll get better results. You’ll have more influence in your negotiations and increase your outcomes. So take the time to consider time. You’ll become a more effective negotiator. How simple is that?

Know the Why

We’re taught to implement the 5 W’s in problem solving or information gathering. To be clear, I’m not talking about the multi-purpose lubricant touted for everything from squeaky doors to rusty under-carriages. I’m talking about those 5 little words – who, what, where, when and why. Not only are those simple five monosyllabic words helpful in investigatory endeavors, but they can have profound impact in other areas of life. Negotiation is no exception. In fact, I’d go so far as to say those negotiators who consider the 5 W’s, with intention, set themselves apart and can better navigate the sometimes murky waters of mediation and negotiation.

How, you ask? Let’s stick with the ‘W’ questions instead. With your permission, I’m going to start at the back end and work forward in a multi-blog series on the issue. In today’s blog post we’re going to tackle the why.

I Know the Why:

Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. A critical component of knowing yourself is knowing your why. Tap into your motivation. Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives a given negotiation. Let it inspire and propel you to be more persuasive and influential.

Let’s consider a simple example. Imagine you’re negotiating a salary increase. First, picture your approach if you believe it’s just about the money. Close your eyes, and visualize how that negotiation would go down – consider your arguments, mental state, attitude, energy, and motivation. Typically, when we focus on the money our range is narrowed, both in terms of the substance we bring to the table and the process, including our emotional engagement.

Now, imagine that same negotiation, but this time, it’s not just about the money, but instead, you tap into your deeper drives. Consider lifestyle benefits a salary increase brings. Perhaps it’s special programming for your kids – something they desperately want but money stood in the way. Maybe a much-needed romantic (or family) vacation is what you pine for, to rekindle important relationships in your life. How about a dream adventure – a bold, bucket-list-worthy escape? If you’re more of a pragmatist, is setting up a security bucket for your future and the future of your family what drives you?

And what are your whys beyond lifestyle? Maybe the salary increase signifies success, security or status for you. Does it allow you to own your value with confidence? Is it important for you to be a role model for someone and this potential salary increase is an important step in that direction for you. Maybe you want your daughter to see that a woman can succeed in a male-dominated industry, or by following her purpose and passion, or whatever message the salary increase equates to for you. You get the idea. The list of possible motivations is as long as the number of people negotiating every moment of every day.

Women often have baggage around money and wealth. This baggage can hold you back from asking for what you deserve. Money doesn’t make us shallow, selfish or greedy – it helps us achieve our goals. It’s important to know, with clarity, what those bigger goals and deeper whys are. Knowing your why going into a negotiation will give you greater courage, strength and impetus. It will inspire you to step in with confidence to get what you want, and to step up with the full force of your feminine power (in whatever style or means that brings to bear for you).

Once you’ve considered your own whys before you embark on the negotiation, it’s time to turn your attention to the party you’ll be negotiating with. Knowing yourself and your own motivation is only half the equation. It’s critical, as an effective negotiator, to also consider the motivation of the other side. What drives them? What are their big whys? Chances are, it’s not just about the money for them either. Think of the other party as an iceberg. What you see and what they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs.

Using our same salary negotiation example, if you’re negotiating with a manager, maybe their job security is on the line if they don’t cut costs, or the bonus they need so their kid can do the once-in-a-lifetime band trip to Switzerland depends on coming in under budget. Do they need to prove to the owner that they have what it takes to take it to the next level? An owner may be driven by status, or perceived power or to prove they deserved the family business and won’t let it fail. The saved money may be necessary to care for a sick loved one.

These motivations affect both the means and matter of negotiation – how they negotiate and what they’re prepared to offer. Think of the advantage you hold when you know what drives them – what’s really behind the posturing – what motivates their moves. You can anticipate, prepare and undercut or address these motivations. You can tailor your strategy and tactical decisions specifically to the fundamental motivator of your negotiating partner. It’s a powerful tool.

Don’t make the rookie mistake of thinking you need to stay detached. Instead, take advantage of the potential secret weapon of digging in to the emotion. Emotion is a powerful motivator. Find what motivates the other side and use it to your advantage. Find yours. Use it to fuel you. It will make you more effective, persuasive and compelling. When you understand and accept that the outcome has real meaning to you, beyond just dollars and cents, that stimulus will incentivize you and take your negotiation to the next level.

An old proverb says silence is golden. Perhaps nowhere is this more accurate than in the realm of negotiation.

The exact origins of this proverb have been obscured by time and there’s no consensus on when or where the saying began. One thing is sure, its pedigree is long and distinguished. Some version of the expression has been found in ancient Chinese proverbs and even Biblical Proverbs. Later variations of the expression have been linked to luminaries like Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, with Lincoln purportedly saying: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” And Twain, ever blunt, saying:  “Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

So why has this this expression survived history and been taken up by numerous figures and cultures throughout time? Likely because of its wisdom. I’m sure we can all think of times we wish we’d held our tongues, knowing the result would have been better had we just kept silent. Have you ever said something to a loved one that hurt their feelings and you later regretted? Even the criminal law recognizes the importance of this message, codifying a right to remain silent. So we see that the value of silence is acknowledged in the private and public spheres, but an important (but less discussed) environment where silence is valuable, is the art of negotiations.

Silence can be a prudent course of action. It can also be a source of power. When a negotiation lapses into silence, people often get anxious and scurry to fill the silence with argumentation or tactics of persuasion. Is it good to fill the silence? Or should we remain silent? This may seem like a small question, but it can be a key factor impacting the ultimate outcome of a negotiation.

Many people wonder what silence conveys in a negotiation. Let’s say you’re in a two-party negotiation. If negotiations have been progressing, it’s inevitable there will be a time when the other party makes their point and you’re expected to respond. This is where you have a choice: fill the silence immediately or take a moment and embrace silence. It’s a binary choice. You must do one or the other. We know what happens if we jump to fill the silence. We’ve no doubt been doing this most of our lives. Too often, we jump in with a retort that probably would have been better if we had just thought about it for a moment. Often when we jump in, it’s driven by the desire not to seem “stupid.” But will people interpret your silence as stupidity, and would it really be so bad if they did?

Far from creating negative impressions, silence can be beneficial in negotiations, and if you keep quiet once the other party stops speaking, the resulting silence can be useful. For example, the silence (or pause) allows you the necessary time to absorb and appreciate what was said. This appreciation can then form the basis of a well-reasoned response, having had time to consider all, or at least more of, the ramifications that may come from accepting what the other party has proposed. In short, you can use the silence to help craft a response that bolsters your interests and best furthers your ends in the negotiation. And if the other party thinks the silence means you’re stupid, well, so much the better; maybe they will drop their guard. Let your response dispel them of the notion you’re stupid!

Stopping to think about what was said may allow you to better see things from the other party’s perspective and to more fully understand their aims and interests. This can be particularly important in negotiations based on relationships, interest-based or collaborative bargaining and ongoing or recurring negotiations (i.e. wage negotiations at your job).

Taking a moment to pause and reflect not only demonstrates that you are a thoughtful negotiator who is taking the other party’s statements seriously, it shows you don’t feel intimidated. When intimidated, people often scramble to speak, to assuage any conflict or perception of incompetence. Pausing to think demonstrates that you’re unintimated by conflict and won’t allow your judgment to be guided by perceptions that may or may not be valid. In short, negotiators who accept silence as part of the process are less likely to be, or at least appear to be, intimidated. More than that, your silence might even intimidate the other party! Let them be the one to squirm in the silence and perhaps rush to fill it, giving you extra information and insights to use as you see fit.

Though it seems counterintuitive, silence is a form of communication and there are times when silence can be the most effective means of communicating.  Negotiation success is not based on who speaks the most, the longest or the loudest. Of course, silence won’t be appropriate all the time or in every situation. It’s important to take stock if silence is the right course of action for you in any given negotiation. But don’t worry about seeming incompetent. Seasoned negotiators use silence strategically. So, line yourself up in that category. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at the results.

Women, you’ve heard me get on my pulpit and preach about how you need to invoke your Momma bear for your own inner bear cub. How we advocate relentlessly for others, but not so much for ourselves. You’ve heard me rail about trusting your natural negotiation style and pushing past limiting beliefs to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom. And I meant it. But if you’re prone to motion sickness, you may want to grab a chair, or better yet, something bolted down so you don’t get dizzy from an apparent 180 degree turnabout. Because today, my sermon is designed to convince you that you don’t always need to go for the jugular.

Bear with me. These philosophies are not as contradictory as they may first appear. Let’s start with some fundamental principles. One of the basic teaching points on the art of negotiation is to always set a reservation price or resistance point – a bottom line. Without this anchor to hold you, you risk sliding past your point of no return. There are any number of tactics the pundits advise you employ to hold firm on your reservation price or point. Making pie in the sky demands, presenting a first and final offer, providing an ultimatum or walking away are just a few examples.

An equally important, but often overlooked principle, however, is to consider the zone of potential agreement – the area where both sides can get what they want if they each go to their respective reservation or resistant points. If there is no overlap, then there won’t be an agreement unless one side budges from its reservation or resistance point. But typically, there is a range of possible settlement options that fall within both sides’ bottom line positions. We’re conditioned to believe that an effective negotiator will always push to the absolute limit of the other side’s resistance point, and beyond if possible.

And therein lies the rub. The myth that strong negotiators need to chafe against the opposing standpoint, to create friction to burn through the opposing view. A lesson I learned later than I would have liked, is that you don’t always have to go for the jugular, leave nothing on the table, leave blood on the floor, or whatever other apt cliché comes to mind. You don’t necessarily have to push the other side to their drop-dead bottom line. Let me give you an example to illustrate the point. When I was younger, I fell in love with Mexico. I loved its people, the food, the culture, its nightlife. Everything seemed alive, vibrant and sharper. I loved to haggle on the beach with locals peddling their wares. And I was a great haggler. I seemed to have an instinct for knowing the outside limit to which I could push. I let them walk away, somehow knowing they’d come back. Friends always thought my ‘reservation price’ (although we didn’t call it that – didn’t even know the term or concept except instinctually) was ridiculous and unattainable. But I virtually always got what I wanted at my bottom line price (which was sometimes as little as 20% of asking price). I was proud of my bargaining prowess.

As a starving student, that was forgivable. But later in life, it suddenly struck me that I didn’t need to get the rock bottom price the peddler was prepared to accept. That there was a power imbalance and maybe my insistence on beating them down to the bottom line and beyond was actually a little exploitative. I was embarrassed about my past negotiation ‘victories’. Because ultimately isn’t negotiation often about relationship? Would you want to take advantage of bargaining power as against your child? Or aging parent? Or trusting lover?

It’s important for a seasoned negotiator to consider these factors in determining how far and how hard to push in any negotiation: (i) your goals and objectives (not just short-term, but long-term as well), (ii) your power compared to the other party’s, and (iii) your desired relationship with the other party. Ironically, these are all factors that most women intuitively consider when they come at negotiations from a place of natural feminine energy. In my blog, “Debunking the Myth re Women and the Art of Negotiation”, we talked about the key skill sets required of an effective negotiator. Assertiveness is only one factor. The others are rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. Knowing when to back off and accept a deal somewhere in the potential zone of agreement, without pushing the other side to their edge, can be effective to build rapport and trust. It requires empathy and intuition. It takes flexibility in the heat of a negotiation. In other words, knowing when to back off employs all the key ‘feminine’ attributes of a great negotiator. Use them. Trust those instincts.

Does that mean you should never bear down and push to the tissue-paper thin edge? Of course not. The key is knowing when … and why. The trick is to be intentional in those choices. Learn to control the essential skills so you can adopt them at will. So you can use them strategically. If you need to establish primacy, credibility and/or control in a particular negotiation to set the tone for future negotiations in a relationship, or to make a point, or example of someone who tried to take advantage of you or your ‘team’, then you may well want to step down hard and not let up.

By all means go for the jugular where necessary. But ensure that your approach is deliberate. Don’t be reactive, governed by emotion. And don’t be motivated based on stale-dated myths that negotiation is all about the bite or that giving is a sign of weakness. Sometimes, generosity in negotiations can be your greatest show of strength.

Have you ever found that you sought to make yourself smaller? I’m not talking about weight, diet or physical girth here – although that’s an issue that also burns my biscuits. It’s bad enough that women have been propagandized to try to fit into some magazine or billboard no-fat image of what a woman should look like. But now we have size zero clothing. Zero? Really? Now we need to strive to be invisible altogether? Non-existent. Nothing. Zero. But I digress. When I ask whether you’ve ever sought to make yourself smaller, I’m referencing the sad fact that as early as kindergarten, young girls start diminishing themselves.

Studies show that young boys gain social status in the schoolyard when they brag about themselves and strive to make themselves larger, bigger than life. By contrast, as young girls we tune in quickly to subtle (and not so subtle) cues that we need to step back from our young feminine power, or face social shunning. Guess what choice most girls make when faced with that price? From a young age, we too often start diminishing ourselves, conditioned to be self-effacing and self-deprecating. Not exactly a recipe to allow us to step into our power, strength or confidence. It keeps us small.

This pattern dogs us as we grow. When we see ourselves as being ‘too much’ we feel the need to tone down. When we’re a little flamboyant, whether in our dress, self-expression, or voices, we get put down. And sadly, it’s often from our own gender. Remember hearing (or saying) “she’s so full of herself,” “she thinks she’s so much,” or some similar eviscerating refrain? We shame ourselves about our physical attributes, our dress, our life choices – even our exuberance. And so we often go through life changing our conduct, changing our very sense of self because we fear the judgment. We don’t want to be seen as too bitchy, too trashy, or just plain too much.

If we’re really honest with ourselves, we’ve all been guilty of it at one or both ends. For myself, I was aware of it at some level and fought against it, but still sometimes fell victim to the shrinking syndrome. I always loved to dance. I felt great joy in dancing with total abandon. But then in my clubbing days, I’d notice the looks, hear the comments, and feel the inhibition creep in, the need to tone it down, to de-sexualize it. And so we become a lesser version of our self.

So is it any surprise that still later in life, whether in our personal or professional lives, we let men take credit for our ideas? Or that we change our tone to avoid being seen as too aggressive for acting in ways that men would be rewarded for?
Can you think of times in your life when you maybe pulled in the reins, not felt the ability to be your full expressive self, dimmed your light somehow?

And as we dim ourselves, men are rewarded for beating their chests. They get the promotions. They get the higher wages. They get the higher ground in relationships. Because they put themselves out there. They expect to get what they want. They ask for what they want. Studies show, for example, that if a woman has 4 out of 5 requirements for a job posting, she’s less likely to apply for the job than a man who has only 1 of the 5 posted requirements. We hold ourselves back because that conditioned little girl from the schoolyard whispers in our ear that we better not think too much of our self or there’s going to be social consequences. And so we make ourselves a little less-than. Or maybe we already believe we’re a little less than. Either way, we end up getting less than we deserve.

This also rears its ugly head in our romantic relationships. Not only do we dim ourselves so as to not outshine our potentially fragile-egoed partners, but often we give up our own dreams, visions and aspirations to prop up the men in our lives. Heaven forbid we ‘make’ them feel threatened or intimidated by our brightness. So we put our needs on the back burner. And at what cost? Not only do pay a heavy price in terms of our own stunted potential and fulfillment, but think of the message we send our own children. When we subjugate our needs to that of our partners, aren’t we telling our daughters that their needs aren’t as important as any man in their life? And similarly, for our sons, when we put our partners’ interests ahead of our own, aren’t we teaching them that their needs are more important than any woman they may partner with? And in that way, the problem becomes self-perpetuating.

So today I call on you to make a pact. Let’s stop making ourselves smaller. Let’s challenge each other to be the fullest possible version of ourselves. Let’s put ourselves out there with no worries about being too much, with no thought of dimming our light. Let us shine brightly into the night and into our future. Let’s promise ourselves and each other to support other women in being the fullest, most expressive, expansive version of themselves; to not judge other women for their ‘too-muchness’, but instead celebrate it. Because it’s in embracing our biggest selves that we will reach our fullest heights. If we want to negotiate our lives to get what we want and deserve, we need to be seen and heard. Raise your voice. Expect to get what you want. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s from the boardroom to the bedroom, or the playground to the seniors home, let’s spread our wings and take more space. If that means we need to overcompensate for a while to get ourselves back to ground zero, so be it.

Why do so many women break out in a sweat at the idea of having to negotiate on their own behalf for something they want? What holds them back from being the incredibly effective negotiators they could be? Is it that women can’t negotiate well? No. We debunked that myth in last week’s blog.

In fact, examining the necessary skillset for top negotiators reveals that women are arguably better equipped than their male counterparts to excel in negotiations. So why the resistance?

Other than the obvious social conditioning and limiting beliefs (which we touched on in our inaugural Art of Feminine Negotiation blog),
I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that it’s our fear of rejection, of getting a ‘no’. Studies confirm that women are less likely to ask for what they want than men. Where does that come from? What happened to our childhood ability to pester the heck out of our parents to get what we want? As kids, we seemed less afraid of the word ‘no’. Less afraid of failure. As kids we got the message that if we were persistent enough, we’d get what we want. But somewhere along the line that got beaten out of us and we became afraid of rejection, of those ‘no’s’.  It turns out that perhaps our instincts as kids were better on this front.

Let’s explore the concept of failure for a moment. Thomas Edison ‘failed’ at creating the light bulb countless times before succeeding. In fact, it was only through those failures, and his persistence and willingness to fail that he achieved success. Is he known for the purported failures? No. He’s lauded as a genius. Similarly, Abraham Lincoln purportedly failed twice in business, and lost 8 out of 10 elections before becoming President of the United States. Do people remember Lincoln for those failures? No. He’s credited with abolishing slavery and
considered by many to be the most influential U.S President in history. What if the women suffragists had given up fighting for the right to vote after being told ‘no’? What if abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and the countless other brave women who fought against slavery had given up when told ‘no’?  You get the idea.

What if your fear of failure, of rejection, of hearing the word ‘no’ is the very thing standing between you and your best self? Between you and your kick-ass negotiator? Between you and getting what you deserve – from the boardroom to the bedroom? Perhaps what you need is a simple mindset shift. What if you take one of your age-old childhood adages and modify it to fit your needs today. Try on “sticks and stones may break my bones but ‘no’ can never hurt me”. Recognize that your failures are the bricks on the way to success. In fact, the only way to success is typically through failure. It’s through your failures that you learn, improve, grow and ultimately succeed. Maybe you just need to be willing to fail better.

If you accept that fear of hearing‘no’ is a factor contributing to women’s resistance to embracing negotiation,and we know that the best way to desensitize ourselves to the word is to get used to it, then how might we achieve that? How might you experience it so often that it loses its power over you? It’s said that if you do the thing you fear, the fear will go away. If that’s the case, it makes imminent sense that you take active steps to numb yourself to the word ‘no’.

No doubt exposing yourself to receiving more ‘no’s in your life requires you to get outside your comfort zone. I was reminded of the limiting effects of comfort zones on a beach recently when I became entranced watching a hermit crab by my chair. It would pop up from its hole in the sand and skitter a few inches to the side, then stop. But as soon as each wave started toward shore the hermit crab scurried back to cower in its bunker, even though the waves never once came up to its hiding spot. I watched that poor little crab for ages and it never ventured more than a foot away from its hole. I could feel its desire. But I also felt its fear outweigh that desire over and over again. It made me realize that we lull ourselves into believing that our comfort zones are safe, when in reality they are self-imposed prisons. Those comfort zones will shrink and eventually suffocate us if we don’t venture outside them and risk living.  Do you want to live your life playing safe in a little comfort zone that never stretches your boundaries, that gets smaller and smaller so you can never be the biggest, best possible version of yourself?

So what if, instead, you made a commitment today to step outside your comfort zone? Are you open to the possibility of welcoming failure as a way to take you to the next level? To condition yourself to learn to hear ‘no’? What if, instead of avoiding rejection, you committed to seek rejection? What if, in thinking about failure,rejection, and ‘no’, you opted to turn the paradigm on its head and instead of fearing it, you looked forward to it as a source of empowerment? How? The answer is so simple it’s brilliant in its simplicity. Ask. Ask. Ask. Pick practice areas in your life where you’re willing to trial asking for what you want. And here’s the key. Don’t be tied or attached to getting a ‘yes’. In fact, as proposed by Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton in their bestselling book,Go For No, instead of going for‘yes’, actively go for ‘no’. Embrace the possibility of multiple rejections and set your targets for how many ‘no’ answers you need to get the number of ‘yes’answers you want.

By way of simple example, if you want 10 new clients this week (or donations to a cause or whatever you may be seeking) and you know that you’re likely to only get 10% of those you canvas to say ‘yes’, then don’t set your sights on achieving 10 yeses, but rather, flip that thought process on its head and set your goal to get 100 ‘no’s. That way,even as you get some ‘yeses’, you don’t slow down. You keep going for the‘no’s. And when you hit the ‘no’s (as you invariably will), it won’t stop you –you won’t see it as failure because you’re going for those ‘no’s. In addition to desensitizing yourself to the ‘no’s, think how much more likely you are to hit a higher level. Better yet, you’ll lose all the angst and wasted negative energy that comes from being afraid of the rejection, afraid of the ‘no’s. Go for the no. It’s liberating. Such a simple concept and such a powerful tool to be able to get through that fear of failure to the fabulous success that’s waiting for you on the other side.

Are you willing to put yourself out there and go for that ‘no’? To push past that fear of failure? Push past that fear of getting a ‘no’, knowing that your success lies on the other side of it.Once you desensitize yourself to hearing ‘no’ and rid yourself of that fear, look out world … you’ll be ready to level up to step into your feminine power as the formidable negotiator you’re ready to be.

What if I suggested that women are instinctively and intuitively better negotiators than men? Would you balk? Reject the idea? At a minimum, I’m sure you’d ask, “So why do women still make less money than men? Why do they ask for less than men? Why do they hesitate in speaking up?” All good questions.

But today, let me share my story.

I grew up in a low rental apartment complex in a tough neighborhood. My dad worked shift work in a factory. I remember those early mornings or late nights, if I was up and able to catch him alone as he got ready to go to work. Watching those strong worker’s hands pull the laces taut on his tan work boots, or watching his man-stance as he squatted to see himself in the hall mirror, combing his hair back in that Elvis style pompadour (or whatever they were called). I loved those stolen moments. But I also remember the struggles. The fighting between my parents. There was never quite enough money to make ends meet, even though he’d come day after day from the factory, exhausted, with nothing left, but still put on a brave face for my sister and I.

My dad was a guy’s guy. He was a big man, broad shouldered, big voice, big laugh, filled every room he ever walked in. He trained inner city boys how to box. I suspect he wanted boys himself, but he got stuck with my sister and I. He never taught us to box. Well, I remember once when I asked, and he had me assume the position and proceeded to sneak inside my Swiss cheese fist frame to tap me on the cheek over and over again, showing me how easy a target I was. I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, but that’s how it felt to me. Like an indictment. I wasn’t a boy. I wasn’t enough.

My paradigm shift came in grade 2. I won an ‘academic’ award. Maybe you remember them – those little badges they handed out for exceptional achievement. A light went on. Maybe I could achieve as a girl. And I became driven to ‘succeed’, to have more – more space than that little apartment, more money, but mostly, more respect. I was going to have a different outlook for my family.

And in spite of his background, my dad raised two strong, independent, professional women. Maybe too much so. He always warned us ‘whatever you think a guy’s thinking, it’s 100X worse – if you ever heard their locker-room talk, it would curl your toes.’ Not exactly a healthy model for building trusting relationships. And yet, maybe he was right. Given Trump’s pussy-grabbing comments which were roundly excused as just ‘boy’s locker room talk’ who am I to say?

So maybe I was genetically predisposed – or at least conditioned – to do this work. But initially I was gently pushed to pursue a traditional ‘successful’ career. So I went straight through high school to university to law school, shooting for those straight ‘A’s.

And in law school I took a negotiations course. Our entire grade was based on these simulated negotiations – the class would break into assigned pairs and negotiate against each other – the highest negotiated settlement got the highest mark (no credit for creative win-win solutions – just a straight column from highest settlement to lowest settlement amount). If you didn’t get a settlement you got a zero. You can imagine how those negotiations went with a highly competitive top law school student body. At the end of the year, the professor approached me and said he’d never seen results like mine in all his years of practice and teaching the course. I won virtually every single negotiation. And you can imagine how hard that got as the school year went on and everybody was gunning for me, expecting this hard-ass negotiator that they had to bring their A-game for, coming expecting to be screwed over.

But the interesting thing was that I didn’t approach those negotiations that way at all. Back then, I was still using my natural, instinctual – dare I say – more female negotiation style. I came at every negotiation from a place of rapport building and authenticity, working to find out what the other side wanted, what they needed, working with them to find a way to have them walk away content with the results. And as the year went on and I kept winning each negotiation, suffice it to say that trust-building got harder and harder. But somehow I was always able to win them over, to build that relationship, to find a win where they walked away happy (at least until the grades were announced).

But then I started the actual practice of law – initially in an all-male-partner firm, and later in my own firm, but still in a male-dominated environment – where I got positive feedback and reinforcement for tearing people apart. I still got great results, but I’d lost my intuitive female style. They called me ‘barracuda’. I made people cry on the witness stand. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I felt disconnected. It didn’t feel good. Or right.

And then it began to spill over into other areas of my life. I found I brought my ‘tough’ negotiator to every problem. Crappy hotel room? Look out, I was down at the front desk giving them what for. Phone company over-charging? Internet not working and the provider trying to blame the router provider? Hide your children, I was not letting them pull one over on me. And forget the ‘get more with honey’ approach. I’d convinced myself that people invariably tried to take advantage if you showed any sign of weakness; that the only way to get quick fulsome results was bringing my badass to the table. The little girl whose dad didn’t teach her to box was Muhammad Ali in the ring of life.

But then one day I was having what I thought was a simple discussion with my son. I saw his frustration mounting and at some point he finally exploded.
“For God’s sake, Mom! Does every conversation with you have to be a debate that you win?”
And just like that, my world changed. I felt my heart torn from my chest as I saw the angst and hurt on this face. And my world view changed in an instant. My sense of self shattered into little pieces on the floor in front of me. And in that moment of profound connection, my perspective on effective negotiations flipped. I realized I’d been duped into negotiating ‘like a man’. And I realized that I didn’t have to. And neither do you.

Stay tuned for future blogs as we navigate how to use your intuitive, natural negotiation style. Learn how to get what you want, need and deserve (from the boardroom to the bedroom) without sacrificing your sense of self. Explore the power of your authentic self, maximizing skills you already have in spades but may have doubted. I look forward to taking this journey with you.

You Are Already a Negotiator Part II

Many people don’t believe they’re effective negotiators. In fact, they don’t see themselves as negotiators at all. This is a problem. If you don’t believe in your own ability to negotiate best outcomes, you won’t be as effective as you could be.

Last week, we kickstarted the conversation to flip that disempowering story by busting myths that have held you back from stepping into the full force of your power.

This week, we continue the discussion, to convince you of your negotiation prowess and the ways in which you’re already more effective than you’ve given yourself credit for.

You don’t have to be mean to avoid ‘getting walked over’.

It’s not true that ‘nice guys finish last’. Nice has gotten a bad rap in recent years and is under-valued. Showing up with compassion, empathy, and a desire to collaborate will actually get you further than seeking to put one over on the other side.

Nice people may actually be better equipped as negotiators because bringing true trustworthiness and rapport-building to the table will elevate outcomes.

Ultimately, we all want to be seen, heard and to know that we matter. Being nasty in a negotiation does not achieve these outcomes. People may not remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. Making someone feel valued and respected opens the door to better outcomes. If you’ve bought into the myth that you’re not a great negotiator because you don’t bring the eye of the tiger, then I invite you to rethink your self-assessment.

You don’t have to be a poker player.

Most people mistakenly believe they need to hold their cards close to their chest to be effective, that if they’re open they’ll be taken advantage of. This myth is counterproductive. It’s tough to get meaningful resolutions that represent the highest good for all if everyone is in protective mode, refusing to share actual desired outcomes.

It is only through sharing real needs that opportunities pop up to find creative solutions to meet those needs – often in unexpected ways. A guarded, defensive posture in negotiations triggers a similar response in kind. This is rarely, if ever, a strong place from which to bargain for best outcomes.

If you’ve criticized yourself for your vulnerability and openness, you may want to rethink your inner self-talk and recognize it may be one of your greatest assets.

You don’t have to be cold or insensitive to be effective.

We’re taught that emotion has no place in negotiations. In fact, one of the unfounded criticisms levied against women is that they are too emotional to be good negotiators. There is a difference though between being emotional and bringing emotion to a negotiation. Bringing the emotional resonance of your ‘why’ can be a powerful motivator in a negotiation.

Also, when you’re faced with an emotional response from the other party, we’re conditioned to back away and not engage. I say lean into the messiness. That’s where the gold is in finding best outcomes. Get curious. Be empathetic. Find out what triggered the response – what’s the underlying need and how might you be able to meet it without sacrificing your needs.

Humans are emotional creatures. Understanding emotion and how it manifests for both parties is a significant advantage in any negotiation. Ignore emotions at your peril.

You don’t have to be a natural born negotiator.

Do you believe negotiation prowess and skills are innate and fixed traits – that one either has them or does not? If so, you’re not alone. But this belief is based on a myth and inhibits you from trying out your negotiation chops.

Negotiation is a learned skill. It takes practice. Learning more about the art of negotiation and applying those skills with intention leads to better abilities as a negotiator and results in better solutions. Every new building block sets a stronger foundation upon which to grow.

And you’ve had a lifetime of negotiation practice already. Every difficult conversation you’ve ever had is a form of negotiation that you learn from. Every interaction to purchase services – from cell phone coverage, to insurance, to financing – has improved your negotiation skills. Every interaction to purchase or sell goods – from vehicles (new or used), to flea markets and beyond – has moved you forward on your negotiation growth journey.

I hope this mini-series has opened your awareness about the ways in which you’re already a negotiator. I invite you to own the fact that you’re already a negotiator. Now, all you need to do is get more intentional about honing the innate skills you already have.

If you want to up-level your negotiation skills so you can get even more of what you want and deserve while still getting best outcomes for all, I offer a full range of programs (from online, to group, to VIP one-on-one coaching and Mastermind programs. I’ve developed simple, easy-to-apply negotiation models that will set you apart from the pack.

My mission is to help you leverage your innate power so you can negotiate your best life. Because, after all, all of life is a negotiation.

When you think of conflict, what words come to mind? How do you feel when you think about conflict? If you’re like most people, it triggers your lizard brain with a corresponding fight, flight or freeze response. Similarly, when you think of power, do you think of control over someone?

How we define conflict and power affects how we negotiate. Traditional views of both are, in part, responsible for stopping us from stepping up as our best negotiating selves. Let’s unpack how we currently view conflict and power to see if we can’t come up with a more empowering reframe of each.

Exploring dictionary definitions of conflict, the following words or phrases pop up:

• Fight
• Battle
• War
• Antagonistic state or action
• Competitive or opposing action
• Incompatible goals
• Collision
• Disagreement
• Clash of interest (usually over limited resources)
• Perceived threat
• Struggle

Perhaps the most unnerving was “may often have physical or psychological harm or destruction of their opponent as a goal.” Really?! No wonder people have resistance to conflict!

If we’re conditioned to perceive conflict in these terms, it’s no surprise that it triggers negative reactivity and provokes a competitive approach or causes us to back away altogether. Neither of these approaches serve the best negotiator in all of us.

These definitions are also premised on a scarcity mindset, one where we assume we’re fighting over limited resources. Again, this approach invariably leads to either a competitive response or an avoidance response.

It’s worth noting that this perception is more likely to adversely impact on women given our conditioning to be ‘good girls’, to ‘play nice’, to be ‘givers not takers’.

Instead, I invite you to reframe conflict.

What if, instead of a scarcity mindset, you approached life with an abundance mindset? Where you didn’t see life as a finite pie from which you had to clamor to get your slice, but instead, as offering unlimited resources. What if you chose to believe that there is all the love you need in this world; all the time you need; enough business for everyone; enough food for all; etc.?

What if you chose to see conflict as a valuable opportunity for growth, allowing people to consider and produce new and different ideas. What if conflict was constructive and necessary, opening the world to alternatives, allowing increased participation and reassessment, helping to build community and cohesiveness? What if conflict was the path to resolve problems and increase tolerance of differing views and perspectives?

Imagine how different negotiations would be if you approached conflict from that mindset. If it didn’t have to be about right or wrong, win or lose. Imagine what a difference that simple shift could make.

Tied to defining conflict is how we define power. Conditioning around power is another problem that interferes with our ability to step into our best negotiating selves. At the heart of many conflicts is an underlying sense of powerlessness. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions.

We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold, or exert power. We’re encouraged (sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much so) to crave power. This is not surprising in a world where we define success based on a competitive model. Our entertainment industry even has us cheering on anti-heroes in their quest for power at any cost.

I discuss how to tap into to more positive sources of power in my article, How to Get & Use Power in Negotiations.

I invite you to reframe how you look at power so you can bring it to the bargaining table in more elegant and constructive ways. We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with. In fact, the Miriam-Webster dictionary defines power as: “possession of control, authority or influence over others” – as if we own control over others.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

I invite you to reframe your concepts of conflict and power. Consider a potential situation of conflict that you may be facing in your life right now. How might reframing it as a beautiful opportunity to resolve problems in more creative ways help you show up better (and as a result get better outcomes)? Likewise, how might you increase your power in more constructive ways?