Author: Cindy Watson

Difference Between Sponsors, Mentors, Allies and Coaches

There’s lots of talk out there on how to launch your career. Everyone purports to offer the secret sauce. But one of the oft-overlooked aspects of catapulting your career is the effective use of mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches. So, I thought we’d tackle this important angle of managing your career so you can improve your odds of getting further faster.

I’m keen on this subject as I confess, I did not manage this with intention during my career. I wish someone had taught me this valuable skill early. It could have paved the way for much smoother paths. Coming from my blue-collar background, I had no exposure to people who had gone the post-secondary route or to professionals or to C-suite corporate contacts. I had to find my way, feeling in the dark, and pushing ahead through sheer determination and perseverance. It certainly would have helped had I known to actively seek out mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches at each stage of my development to help me navigate the path and to advocate for me where appropriate.

For Part I of this series, I thought it made sense to kickstart the conversation by talking about the difference between sponsors, mentors, allies and coaches, because people often get these terms mixed up. To use them effectively, you’ll want to know what role each can meaningfully play in your advancement and career growth. Many make the mistake of expecting one person to capture all roles. This is not realistic and attempts to do so will likely be counterproductive.

Sponsors are people who can help open doors for you. They will bring up your name in rooms that you don’t have access to. Sponsors lobby for you behind closed doors to make sure you get access to promotions and opportunities that otherwise, maybe you wouldn’t. They will sing your praises and suggest you be put forward for training and/or job opportunities that may arise.

Sometimes you’ll know who these people are, and sometimes you won’t even know they are advocating for you. You can actively seek out a sponsor, but often these relationships happen organically. If you’re looking for a sponsor and that’s a relationship you want to foster, make sure to choose someone who’s got authority i.e., someone who’s got the juice to make things happen for you.

Mentors are going to actually help you learn the ropes in your career or business, either generally or in specific areas. You want to make sure you’ve got mentors who are helping you with various aspects of your skill development and your ability to move forward in your career. It’s interesting to note studies suggest women tend to be over-mentored, but under-sponsored. I thought it was worthwhile to get some clarity about the difference between these various roles.

With mentors, we often think of seeking a single mentor – that one almighty mentor who is going to get us where we need to go. The reality is that there are different skills you’ll need to advance your career to the fullest extent possible. It just makes sense that you’ll need multiple mentors as well. I advise that you make a list of the key skills you’ll need to advance your career. Then make a list of people who are exceptional in each of the particular skills you’ve identified as necessary. From there, you can start to choose from the range of mentors who could assist to elevate you.

Allies are a different breed. Allies are individuals or groups of people you can rally to support you, either on a particular issue or more generally in the workplace. For example, if your ideas keep being taken by others in the room, or you’re not getting recognized for the contributions you’re making, having allies in the room, who can speak up and make a point of saying, “Oh, that was actually Cindy’s idea, so thanks for reinforcing that Joe” (or something like that) can be valuable. Or if you’ve got a particularly sensitive issue coming up in the workplace, having allies on side before you get to that critical meeting can offer great leverage.

They say that coaches talk to you, mentors, talk with you and sponsors talk for you. That’s an oversimplification, but a good starting point to draw distinctions between the different resources you’ll want to seek. As someone who does a lot of coaching work myself, I don’t think that effective coaches just talk to you. Ideally, they want to work with you and for you as well.

I encourage you to be intentional in seeking mentors, sponsors, allies, and coaches in furtherance of your career. All will be important in getting you noticed and advanced. It’s the winning combination of skills, recognition, connection, and support that will move the dial more quickly and more significantly.

As women, we tend to think that if we just put our head down, do the work and do a good job, we’ll be noticed. The reality is that most people who take that approach end up hitting a roadblock in their advancement. In this busy world where there is so much noise, it’s important to be intentional about making sure you’re noticed, your skills are noticed, and your contributions are noticed.

Identifying the difference between each of the groups that will assist you on this path is the starting point. I hope this breakdown of the distinctions helps you kickstart your journey to effective mentoring and beyond.

Stay tuned next week as we delve further into this issue, exploring how to find mentors, sponsors, allies and coaches and how to maintain positive relationships.

If you prefer audio, check out my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast episode on the issue.

If you’re looking to up-level your negotiation skills, I’ve got everything from online to group, to my signature one-on-one mastermind or VIP experiences available to help you better leverage your innate power to be able to get out there and get more of what you want and deserve in life.

Negotiation is an art. When negotiating, not only must you be accustomed to the situation and facts, it’s also very important to be in tune with yourself. Confidence is very closely knit with negotiation, and self-doubt can often damage your ability to negotiate.

Impostor syndrome can create this self-defeating self-doubt. Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern where someone feels like they’re not good enough or worthy or deserving despite their accomplishments.

I recently interviewed Sheryl Anjanette, author of the best-selling, The Imposter Lies Within. Sheryl works with high-achieving corporate individuals and entrepreneurs to kick impostor syndrome to the curb and effectively assists them in moving forward with confidence and peace of mind, embracing their accomplishments unapologetically.

Where Does Impostor Syndrome Come From?

Impostor syndrome isn’t born from nothingness. It begins in our formative years (from three to eleven years old). Impostor syndrome can build after those years, but ideally it’s important to do a deep dive into it when we are younger.

Every child will go through experiences. Whether an experience was truly significant or not isn’t as important as the interpretation the child has of it. That meaning begins to formulate in the child’s head. At the very core of impostor syndrome are these feelings of “I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not deserving. My voice doesn’t matter!”

It settles in the child’s head and their mind looks for supporting evidence. The reticular activating system complies, saying, “Oh, you see, I’m really not good enough. Oh, I’m really not worthy.” And all of these experiences and thought processes layer constantly, creating heaviness. These experiences and thought processes formulate our beliefs about ourselves in the world.

How Do You Recognize Impostor Syndrome?

The most obvious indication of impostor syndrome is your thinking habits. It’s important to focus on the habitual thinking patterns where there’s a disconnect between your accomplishments and how you feel about them. The disconnect of someone who’s experiencing impostor syndrome will feel like “they’re going to find me out. They’re going to figure out I’m not as good as they thought.”

There’s a fear of exposure. Oftentimes, if you’re experiencing impostor syndrome, you’ll feel like a fraud. And despite your accomplishments of a degree, medals, certifications, experience, etc. you may still think you are a fraud. Anjanette shared a framework of archetypes to help people categorize how impostor syndrome shows up.

The Six Archetypes

The Perfectionist

• The thin line between high-achieving and perfectionism is often crossed, especially among workaholics and individuals with impostor syndrome. This archetype will focus only on the flaws and exaggerate them so much you forget about the amazing things you’ve accomplished.

• It’s important to acknowledge habits of being motivated to perfection through fear and being paralyzed by the idea of failure.

The People Pleaser

• One that will go above and beyond in attempting to please everybody in their lives. A common archetype in individuals with low self-esteem who over-compensate in ways that are unnecessary in achieving their goals in life.

• These people are unaware that you don’t have to please or like and be liked by everyone in life.

The Expert

• A person that will never be satisfied with their knowledge and will always strive for more, oftentimes unwarranted. The person who feels like they need just one more degree or certification to finally be good enough.

The Lone Ranger

• Often referred to as ‘the soloist’, this is someone who has trouble delegating. These people do things alone and are often afraid to ask for help.

• Can often be a slippery slope, as once you’ve been a lone ranger for many years, it’s hard to escape it even when recognizing the bad habits.

The Superhero

• Often related to the saviour complex, someone with ‘The Superhero’ archetype of impostor syndrome will overcompensate in their lives to feel like ‘Super-Mom’, ‘Super-Career-Woman’, ‘Super-Everything’

The Prodigy

• This person will always feel the need to go from zero-to-hero, or beginner to master immediately in order to be good enough; just because that “in-between” stage is too much of a slippery slope of competency, facing the fear of failure.

Once you recognize your archetype and the fact that you’re experiencing impostor syndrome, acceptance and acknowledgement are important. You aren’t suffering or struggling, you’re simply experiencing. Words are very powerful and choosing the right terminology to help you move forward in life will help you get back on track quickly.

The Holistic Approach to Negotiating Past Impostor Syndrome

The holistic approach to negotiating past your impostor syndrome begins with a concept called the mind stack. The stack of layers symbolizes your experiences, with the bottom representing your first experiences. Just above that stack are your beliefs. This is your foundation. Above the foundation sits your emotional identity, your thoughts, the words you use, your inner dialogue, and your self-talk. Your emotional identity is almost the glue between your foundation and beliefs, representing your interpretative settling of those beliefs. i.e. “I’m identifying as a person that is not good enough. I must be the little weakling that nobody wants on the team. Oh, I’m just the girl.”

As you go up the mind stack, you start to see your behaviours across the subconscious mind. These behaviours represent the decisions we make. These result in habits and common actions that you take throughout your day and mix in with your behaviours. You interrupt people frequently: a bad behaviour that was once a bad habit. 4 o’clock rolls around: you grab a cookie. That bad behaviour was also once a bad habit. We often wonder where the origin of these decisions comes from.

When you’re looking at these behaviours, pattern beliefs, and habits, you’re working from the outside-in, which is ineffective! When you do the deep dive and start from the inside-out, you go all the way back to these experiences and you look at the meaning you gave the experience. Confronting past experiences can be hard, especially traumatic ones. But this is a necessary step in not only excelling in our positions, but to also feel better. We’re not erasing the experiences; we’re simply acknowledging them and the faults of our past and making a decision. What’s the story you’re going to keep? What’s the narrative going to be? How are you going to feel about that, from now on?

Past traumatic and negative experiences can be hard to think about and confront intra-personally. As mentioned earlier, a key factor in happiness and confidence is the way you think. How are you going to reframe these experiences? What have you learned from the experience to better yourself as a person?

As adults, we get to choose our story. We make choices and influence ourselves and others around us. You always have the choice about the story you’re going to tell yourself.

In order to move past impostor syndrome, underlying issues must be confronted and dealt with. Note that impostor syndrome is genderless. Self-confidence is belittled in both boys and girls alike at a very young age. I hope you found Sheryl’s knowledge and method of negotiating past impostor syndrome helpful. You can access the full interview with Sheryl, Negotiating Past Impostor Syndrome, HERE.

I know what you may be thinking from the title of this post – what does sensuality have to do with negotiation? These are not words commonly used together. But learning about sensuality and sensual confidence can be key in helping you become a more effective negotiator.

I recently interviewed Candia Raquel, founder of Centro de Poder (Power Center). Candia is dedicated to helping workaholic women feel sensually confident by moving with postural presence and teaching them how they can use this to get better outcomes. Today I will be sharing some of the most valuable insights from our interview with you.

What is Sensuality?

Given our unacknowledged hang-ups about sex in North American culture, the word ‘sensuality’ is often misconstrued and carries baggage for many. Sensuality is simply sensing pleasure through the senses. If you raise your awareness, it can act like a thermometer for how you’re really feeling. You can use it as your North star to see if you need a course correction. The body never lies. Sensuality is your primal indicator of what’s going on. Ignore it at your peril.

As humans, we are often driven by desire. This means we tend to focus on getting what we want, unaware of our experiences on a physical level. In doing so, we miss valuable opportunities for better outcomes in life.

We are conditioned to seek our desired outcomes through pushing, hustling, struggling and enduring. This mindset can be counter-productive. When we’re striving and driving to achieve (i.e. I want the house, the boat, the degree, etc.), believing we won’t be satisfied until we get the ‘thing’ (whatever that may be in a given situation), the effort outweighs the perceived benefit and we abandon the dream or goal.

Likewise, in our negotiations, if the process is not pleasurable, and in fact is uncomfortable, you will not be as effective. You won’t get the buy-in, long-term agreements, better relationships, or most creative solutions.

How Does Sensuality Improve Negotiations?

Candia explained that once you tap into your sensuality, you will find a natural organization, flow and pacing that leads to a smoother process and better results. You will have acute information about what is going on, especially in challenging situations such as negotiations. In our negotiations, we typically look for the so-called ‘win’, focusing our energy on the other person or outcome or how we’ll respond, rather than being in the moment through the sensual experience.

In a negotiation, when you come from a place of feeling good, enjoying the process, and taking the risk, it is a much more effective approach than coming from a place of being deprived of pleasure and taking something from someone. The difference between these two mindsets can really change the outcome of a negotiation.

If you come from this ‘hungry ghost’ place in bargaining, devoid of pleasure, you show up differently. It’s a more powerful approach to show up from a place of enjoyment and desire, seeking to listen to the other party and experience the process.

Even when we achieve our goals, we often block ourselves from experiencing sensual pleasure because we aren’t used to it. However, if you retrain yourself to enjoy the sensual pleasure while achieving your goals, you’ll enjoy the pleasure when you get there too. In other words, tap into your sensuality to enjoy the journey and in so doing get better overall results.

Confidence rooted in sensuality means that you are not only confident about your previous successes and knowledge, but you are confident about and in the present moment. Your words, expression, and position can all change the negotiation in the moment, no matter how much previous knowledge and success you have. Your sensual confidence shows the strength of your presence.

Masculine vs Feminine Energy

We have been conditioned to define success based on a competitive, masculine model. Both men and women came to see their feminine as a liability and believed they had to show up with a more aggressive energy to be successful.

We are in a historical moment where we are redefining these reference points and reminding ourselves how to tap into our sensuality, pleasure, and warmth to show up as full versions of ourselves both personally and professionally as we negotiate our best lives. Coming forth with all that you are allows you to take back your center of power and with it, increased creativity.

The Three Ps

Candia explained her signature 3P model to unlock sensuality in yourself. The three P’s stand for posture, presence, and pleasure.

1. Posture

Posture is how your body is doing – If your posture is collapsed, the effect will ripple into your presence.

1. Presence

Presence is how you are seen. When you get intentional about being in the moment, fully there for and engaged with the other party, you will be present. If you lose your presence, you lose your advantage.

1. Pleasure

Pleasure is how you are feeling in the moment. How your body is feeling physically will tell you a lot about if you are uncomfortable or if something is going wrong. Tune in to your body and use that to guide you.

You need all three P’s for sensuality to happen. In a negotiation, some people will collapse into smallness and fall into what Candia calls the disease to please. On the other hand, others go into a negotiation with the competitive model showing ego and arrogance. When you approach a negotiation in either of these ways, making yourself taller than you are or shrinking yourself down, it takes away from your sensuality.

It takes sensuality to have strong enough confidence to show up with a willingness to be seen just as you are, be fully present, and step into your feminine power. When you do this, it sets the tone for the negotiation, you enjoy the process, and it can lead to better outcomes even in the most challenging negotiations.

These tips are sure to serve both men and women by remembering the three Ps of sensuality and tapping in your feminine energy to become a more effective negotiator.

Check out the full interview with Candia on Apple Podcast, Art of Feminine Negotiation Podcast.

Or if you’re more visual, check out the video on our Women On Purpose & Subscribe Please.

Have you ever met a narcissist? Have you had to deal with one? If you’re like most people, you’ve been in some type of relationship with one at some point in your life. So, I sought out successful divorce lawyer, best-selling author, and narcissist expert, Rebecca Zung, to share hot tips and insights on negotiating with narcissists. In a world where we’re increasingly forced to deal with narcissists, I thought I’d share her wisdom with you.

According to Zung, narcissists are cunning and charismatic, and often fly under the radar, undetected. In a world where we’re dealing with an apparent pandemic of narcissism, it’s important to recognize tenuous situations with the people close to you to avoid being victims of narcissism.

Before being able to negotiate with a narcissist, understanding how one works is required. While the rest of the world are motivated and driven by lots of different things, narcissists only have one drive: narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic Supply

Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the person’s ego. Most people think of ego in terms of things like money, respect, power, the right friends, etc. But for narcissists, their supply comes from devaluing, debasing, and putting people down … always seeking to make themselves feel superior to others.

This is a critical factor to know when going into a negotiation, according to Zung. A narcissist goes into negotiation thinking, “How can I make this other person’s life as miserable as possible?”, whereas a rational person goes into negotiation asking, “How can I find the best resolution to the matter?” So, when going into negotiation with a narcissist, it’s important to recognize that you’re not even on the same plane.

Negotiating with a narcissist will feel counterintuitive, with only one side wanting a meaningful resolution. The narcissist wants to be in the position where you are the prey, and they control the situation. Zung advocates the SLAY method … Strategy, Leverage, Anticipation and You. Develop a “Super Strong Strategy”, “Invincible Leverage”, “Anticipation”, and lastly, focus on “You” and your own position.

It takes strategy to figure out what form of narcissistic supply is more important for them. The only thing more important than their status is the supply they get from dragging people through the process and making them look bad. One can disarm a narcissist by simply not taking the bait. When they say insulting and degrading things, ignoring and minimizing their remarks is an effective way of disarming them, by making their words meaningless.

Overt vs Covert vs Malignant Narcissism

Overt narcissists tend to be more obvious and direct. They typically have no shame. Even though all narcissists are driven by narcissistic supply, it’s important to know that covert narcissists operate differently. These narcissists are more of the “smear campaign” type, riding under the radar. They often hide behind comments like, “I’m just so concerned about them, they’re drinking way too much,” or, “I’m just so caring. It’s so sad that he doesn’t want anything to do with his family.” The covert narcissists are passive-aggressive, insinuating hostility and demonstrating negative assumptions like, “You don’t want to come to spend time with your family. I understand work is so important to you.”

Covert narcissists often fail to leave a trail until they start getting squeezed. Once the mask starts to come off, and the other side realizes who this person truly is, that’s when the narcissist starts to slip up. Once their narcissistic injury is inflamed, it triggers narcissistic rage, and they start making mistakes (i.e. angry emails, texts, outbursts). If you get them to that point and give them a strong enough shovel to dig their own hole, your work is done.

The malignant narcissist is one that has no conscience whatsoever. They will make false, hateful allegations intended to do real damage (i.e., losing your job). They have no concerns about completely ruining a life. These are the ones that stalk, get violent, threaten to be violent, etc.

It’s important to recognize when you’re in a situation with a narcissist, to not only take the correct steps in negotiation but also to recognize that the words the narcissist spews are inaccurate, for the sake of your own mental health.

S.L.A.Y. Method

Negotiation does not have to be a formal negotiation. There doesn’t have to be a lawsuit involved. It can be as simple as negotiating with your teenagers. The methodology will always be the same, as long as you have a strategy (the ‘S’ from the SLAY model). The first part of your strategy is creating your vision for what you want the outcome to be. This allows you to hold on to the focus of your final goal instead of being sidetracked by the narcissist’s behaviours and constant inflaming.

The second requirement for SLAY is leverage, which comes from creating a summary of lies, inconsistencies, and/or bad behaviour. Finding a pattern to expose the narcissist is great leverage whether in litigation, professional or personal negotiations.

The third requirement of SLAY is anticipation, which ties neatly with the first requirement of strategy. Being two steps ahead of the narcissist will allow you to strategize and plan accordingly. In negotiation, being two steps ahead will always provide leverage as you can anticipate their position and be ready with a response or even cut it off at the pass – i.e. “I’m anticipating that you’re going to take this position; here’s why it doesn’t hold its merit.”

The final requirement of SLAY is to focus on yourself, your position, and your case. In negotiation, if all you have is a good defence, no one is scoring any points. When dealing with a narcissistic personality, it becomes easy to point fingers at how bad the person is. It’s important to bolster your own position to take care of yourself and protect your mindset.

Approaching narcissistic personalities is not something most of us want to go through, yet unfortunately it occurs a lot more frequently than one might think. I hope you find Rebecca’s SLAY method of negotiating with narcissists helpful.
You can access the full interview with Rebecca, Negotiating With a Narcissist, HERE.

Closely tied to the art of negotiation is the art of communication. If you want to get more of what you want in life, up-levelling your communication skills is key. I recently interviewed conversation expert, Debra Roberts, and it quickly became clear we share similar philosophies about the importance of getting intentional about how we choose to communicate and negotiate. I thought I’d share some of her insights and hot tips on how to have conversations to get the best outcome.

All of life is a negotiation. Those all-important communications with your intimate partner, kids, friends, and business associates are all a form of negotiation. We’re always trying to influence and persuade each other in some way. Getting better outcomes is all about bringing more intention to the table.

Debra is the creator of The Relationship Protocol communication model. At its heart, there are two key elements. Every healthy interaction relationship has to have these two key elements: commitment and ‘turning towards’.

Commitment

Commitment is how you show up. It can be a felt sense, but it’s also your behavior, your actions, how you treat someone, how you make the other person feel. It’s making that connection where people around you know that they can count on you, that you’re reliable. It’s the essence of how trust grows.

Turning Towards

The second mandatory ingredient is shifting your thinking to turning towards. If I’m interacting with you, I want to connect with you. I want to connect with your experience as much as I want you to understand mine. If I go into an interaction distracted, annoyed or biased, I’m turned away. When we’re turned away, there’s a disconnect. Part of what has to happen for the sake of the relationship is to shift your thinking and turn towards the situation.

Your relationship is more important than each of you as individuals. But if you are not committed and you don’t show up shifting your thinking and turning towards the relationship, the situation, the organization, you cannot have healthy interactions. You cannot have a thriving organization or a healthy marriage relationship without these two key elements.

The golden nugget to remember is that the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is that you demonstrate an understanding of the other person’s experience. If your energy is on wanting to get to know the other person and listening to and validating them, you’ll be connected.

Once you’ve mastered the key concepts of commitment and turning towards, you can explore the four ‘how to’ steps to put them into practice. How do you have these conversations? How do you build trust? How do you deal with conflicts and confrontations? How do you initiate a conversation?

Step 1: We initiate conversations by stating our intentions upfront. For many people, this notion seems counter-intuitive as they’ve been led to believe they need to hold their cards close to their chest. In fact, this approach creates suspicion and mistrust. By contrast, being open about your intentions will build trust and a solid foundation for effective communications.

Step 2:  Be kind. Kindness builds trust. Note that if you’re mean or distasteful or betray the other person in some way, that safety net is gone and you’ll have to rebuild – and it takes longer to rebuild than it does to initially grow something.

Step 3: Own your part. If you notice the other person getting upset, stop and ask about it. Take the time to acknowledge their experience and own your part. i.e. “Hey, I didn’t mean it the way you heard it, or I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. That really wasn’t what I was setting out to do. That wasn’t my intention.” In order for the other person to accept your acknowledgement of wrongdoing or mistake or whatever took place, you have to demonstrate accountability and ownership.

Step 4: Give the benefit of the doubt. Stay open and out of judgment. This also includes being able to move on and letting go.

When we can express ourselves with ease, we get to have our needs met. We get to resolve conflicts and we can improve the quality of our life and have much less stress in our lives and in our organizations. Instead of having something building up inside of you or feeling ill-equipped because you don’t know what to say, how to say it, or you’re afraid that if you do say something, the other person is going to react so you say nothing, that offers your relationship nothing. You start to disconnect. The other person gets annoyed. You can see how things just build. Whereas if we know how to communicate, we show up with confidence. We get our needs met.

Having effective communication in your life is transformational. It’s expected that as adults, we know how to communicate effectively. And yet we’re not taught it. These are simple concepts and easy to apply when you bring your intention to it. It’s worth the shift. With better communication, you’ll get better buy-in, better relationships, and better outcomes.

Imagine the world as a kinder, more peaceful place where we can talk about our differences and people can feel a sense of belonging in their organizations.

If you’re looking to up level your negotiation skills, I have one on one, group and online coaching programs available. I’m on a mission to help you leverage your natural or innate power to get more of what you want and deserve in life.

Have you ever wondered how to be an effective problem solver? On average, we make over 35,000 decisions a day. Yet, much like negotiation, decision-making and problem-solving really isn’t a skill that we’re taught. I recently interviewed Sarah Ramsey, a professional problem solver and relationship expert. In this interview, we discussed how to negotiate problem solving and achieve the next level of success in business and in life through solution-based thinking. I wanted to share some of the key gems from the interview with you.

Spaghetti, Waffles, Action:

Sarah explained her signature problem-solving system: Spaghetti, Waffles, Action. She describes spaghetti-thinking as problems that are very emotionally charged, where our emotions stack on top of the issue(s) at hand. This ends up looking like spaghetti. The problems become layered and interwoven as one big messy problem. This type of spaghetti thinking is a universal problem which is heightened as most of us aren’t even aware we’re doing it. If you elevate your awareness, you can start to put labels on some of the noodles and begin to unravel the spaghetti.

With a waffle, you can take one bite at a time. When you start seeing your problems as individual waffles squares, and handle one problem at a time, you can solve them simultaneously. Putting the problems into waffle squares lines up the problems side by side instead of on top of each other and allows you to prioritize and separate the emotional problems from the practical ones.

Once each problem is in its own square, you can create action plans around each problem. You start searching for solutions to each problem individually, and it creates clarity. When you are intentional with solution-based thinking, it avoids burnout and makes you more respected as a leader.

Smart Girl Syndrome

Smart girl syndrome is when people are struggling with something, so they work harder and get better. Then, from that point on they think this is the solution to all problems, including changing circumstances that are out of their control. This rarely works. But when we’re wedded to a belief system that tells us we just need to put our nose to the grindstone as hard work will ultimately prevail, we can stay stuck in a spin cycle where we continue to throw more valuable energy at problems with no prospect of success. Sarah advocates, “if it’s not working, stop doing it”.

Our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves and negotiating our own mindset. Simple solutions can often be the most effective. We don’t need to beat ourselves up, toiling away with processes that aren’t getting us any traction.

Self-Talk to Become a Better Problem Solver

Self-esteem, integrity, and confidence are key when it comes to problem solving. It is important to negotiate your mindset when it comes to these things. Tell yourself that you follow through, you show up, you do the things you set out to do. If we break our promises to ourselves or tell ourselves things that are not empowering, then we aren’t being the best version of ourselves. I invite you to retrain your brain. Tell yourself you’re going to do the things you want to do, so you can follow through and come up with solutions to make sure these things happen.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries with ourselves is important. However, it is also important to set boundaries with other people, as well as the problems in our lives. Sarah used the story of the three little pigs to illustrate the point. One little pig had straw boundaries, one little pig had stick boundaries, and one little pig had brick boundaries, but none of the pigs changed the Big, Bad Wolf. In our conversations around boundaries, sometimes we forget that they’re meant to protect the pigs, not to set wolves straight. She explained that we get ideas in our head of showing the wolf “Look how strong I am” thinking the wolf will then say “Well, I’ve been selfish for years and now you’ve got me. We can be on even ground and be friends.” But that isn’t what is going to happen. This goes back to the strategy of if ‘it’s not working, stop doing it’. It’s about changing yourself; you can only control yourself.

Toxic Person Proofing

Toxic person proofing is a form problem solving. There are many abstract concepts and confusing words when talking about toxic people. Sarah likes to break these down for people and make it as simple as possible. She explained that one of the best ways to protect yourself from either manipulation or confusion is to go back to the spaghetti and waffles. The more clarity you have in your own mind, the less likely that somebody can confuse you.

In negotiating your best life, you must negotiate your environment as well, which includes your inner circle. There are always going to be toxic people, and it is impossible to completely avoid them. It is best to just deny the toxic people access to us as much as we can. If we can’t completely deny access, we can always delay access.

When dealing with a very difficult person, remember the actual problem. Sarah used the example of going to a party in a backyard and when you go to the front door, you’re told you can’t get in. Instead of focusing on the person not opening the door, remember what the problem is. The problem is you’re trying to get to the backyard. If you remember that, you’ll realize you can just go around the house.

It’s important not to let toxic people become your focus. Many times, we can be the toxic person to ourselves with our negative self-talk. I invite you to use your inner critic to help yourself with negotiations, not to shame yourself.

How to Use Emotions in Problem-Solving

Many people feed their emotions rather than seeking practical solutions. It’s important to solve emotional and practical problems side by side. Many people use all their energy talking to people about their fears and emotions, rather than trying to find solutions to the problem.

These tips are sure to make you a better problem solver and help with learning to focus on solution-based thinking. To hear the full interview, check out the podcast episode.

Can you negotiate a boost to your immune system? Many would scoff at the idea. Surely our immune systems are improved (or not) through scientific methods. It’s not something we can negotiate. I invite you to reconsider and reframe the scope of negotiation. Our first and most important negotiation is with ourselves. When we get intentional about negotiation our mindset, we can improve our lives in every way. Boosting our immune systems is no exception.

In my interview with Robin Nielson, founder of Natural Hormone Solutions, she shared some powerful tips on how to boost your immune system. In the wake of COVID, with our heightened awareness about the importance of healthy body defences, I thought I’d share her insights.

Did you know you can grow younger no matter what your age? During times where health has been more discussed more than ever before, healthy habits and natural solutions to developing a healthy immune system is as important as it gets.

When you think of boosting your immune system, the first thing you might think of is “how many nutrients can I take?” or “how can I boost my immune system fast?” The truth is, the biggest immune system suppressors are deep-rooted habits and parts of your lifestyle that you might not even be aware of.

That leads to a core element of boosting your immune system: addressing your stressors, the deep-rooted bad habits or negative aspects of your life that you might not even recognize. You can negotiate powerful new habits. It’s important to start prioritizing things that are good for yourself and to eliminate the things in your life that don’t serve you and end up stressing you out.

Addressing these stressors will pose as a challenge; so, it’s important to start practicing an attitude of gratitude. Being thankful and dismissing stress hormones will steer your mind and body away from its ‘fight-or-flight’ mode, which will in turn boost your immune system. But how do you practice being in a state of attitude of gratitude?

You can simply keep a gratitude journal. The use of this journal can be as simple as listing 3-5 things you’re grateful for each day. A good time for this is right before bed, and it’s important that you think of something new, rather than using the same gratitude(s) every day. This trains your brain to look for what’s right in the world, as the human brain naturally wants to directly go to what’s wrong. As humans we’re wired to stay alive – always looking for what’s wrong, so we can run.

What are some more tools you can use? Another simple, but game-changing option is opposition thinking. When a negative thought comes to mind, turn it around into a positive thought: simply think the opposite. It’s important to note that you shouldn’t get angry or judge yourself for thinking negatively. Those conditioned knee-jerk responses are hard-wired and the immediate reaction is out of your control. You do, however, have control over what you do with the thought.

It’s important to keep these ways of maintaining gratitude a habit for effective results. So, what happens when we express gratitude consistently? You’ll improve sleep, simply through expressing gratitude and turning negative emotions into positive ones. Sleep is a key component for the immune system – like protective armour for your body. Sleep will completely restore and rejuvenate your immunity to viruses, bacteria, etc. – so when you’re against something hurtful, your body is much more resilient. With less sleep, your body will be like a sitting duck waiting to get sick. Being happier, motivated, determined, and having more attention are other important benefits from practicing gratitude in your life.

How you sleep is the other half of the effort. It’s important to get restorative sleep – which means getting unmedicated sleep (meaning no sleep drug/aid). Getting 5 cycles of REM and deep sleep puts you in that restorative state. Unfortunately, sleep medications keep you in deep sleep, skipping the REM cycles that are a great factor in obtaining restorative sleep. Having a consistent sleep schedule and eliminating distractions (no phone in the bedroom) will be great factors in ensuring you will get the sleep that your body needs. While getting your 7 hours of sleep will make you very immune-protected, it is still strongly recommended that you get your 8 essential hours. You’ll feel great and have maximum immune system protection.

Diet is another key component for keeping a hormone balance that will greatly affect your immune system. It’s important to eat a high protein breakfast within an hour of waking up. What you’re eating and when you’re eating is very important to keeping a balanced diet. Eating 3 meals a day with 4-6 hours in-between is the most effective way to being and feeling balanced. Timing is very crucial: with no eating after 7 PM, and at least 12 hours between dinner and breakfast. This is so we leave the body to restore and heal during this downtime.

Alongside diet, you’re going to want to make sure you’re nutrient efficient. Nutrient deficiency can be a large part of why your immune system may be compromised. Some examples might be low iron, low zinc, low vitamin D, low B-12 levels, and especially low magnesium. Magnesium is very immune protective, and it can be seen as an epidemic with how many people are magnesium deficient and don’t even realize it.

You may have noticed that much of this recipe for an improved immune system comes down to your habits. The beauty is that you can negotiate your habits. Get intentional in each of these simple suggested habits and you’ll be well on your way to a radically improved body defense system, so next time your body faces a virus or bacteria, you’ll be fully prepared to fight.

 Check out the full podcast interview with Robin Nielson, here.

I’m on a mission to help people elevate their negotiation skills. Part of that process includes reframing how you look at negotiations and how you do it. To that end, I’m always on the lookout for fresh perspectives and insights. I was excited to meet Izzy Gesell, one of the first experts to use improv theatre concepts as tools for personal and organizational learning. Izzy had some interesting thoughts on how we can use improv skills to improve our negotiations and get better outcomes.

Improv is a process-focused art form where you don’t learn the outcome, but you learn how to step into different situations and be prepared for what comes towards you. Hmm. Sounds a lot like negotiating. You don’t know the outcome at the outset of the process, but you need to step into whatever situation presents and be prepared to deal with it in the most effective way possible.

Like improv, when you show up for a negotiation, some people want to be there, some people don’t; you have to influence, persuade and try to keep engagement.

In both improv and negotiation, you need to be able to lead and follow. And in both, the ‘Yes, and’ versus ‘Yes, but’ approach is critical. In other words, even when you don’t agree or you’re taken by surprise, you acknowledge and accept the other party’s position and then you can add to it (which may include giving a very different perspective). ‘Yes, and’ means we can have different opinions without making either person or party wrong, whereas ‘yes, but’ implies that one of us has to give in. ‘And’ opens doors, while ‘but’ closes them. ‘And’ opens the possibility to work together, while ‘but’ pits us against each other, typically triggering an adverse emotional response. That one word shift makes a subtle but profound difference.

This applies in our professional and personal negotiations. We assume we can get away with ‘butting’ our loved ones, yet in family situations there’s usually more triggers than in 3rd party relationships. In our professional life, we tend to be clear about our roles, whereas our emotions have been quashed down over the years in our personal relationships and our roles are much more flexible. This actually increases the need for a ‘Yes, and’ approach to get better outcomes and build better relationships.

Izzy recommends the One-Word Story as an effective exercise for both improv and negotiation. In this exercise, neither person knows where it’s going. Neither can predict or control the other person’s word. It’s key to stay present, suspend judgment and allow the process to unfold. These are all key skills for an effective negotiator to master. I’ve seen many negotiations fail because people come with attachment to a particular process or outcome. They come having pre-judged the other party and/or their position(s). In doing so, they miss gorgeous opportunities that arise, lying on the table for the taking.

The One-Word Story game allows us to practice suspending judgment or expectation and flowing with the dialogue in real time. When we notice judgment arising, it allows us to pause, take a step back and consider where it’s coming from and what we can learn from it. The idea of the exercise is to always go forward.

I invite you to notice the judgment you may even have about the exercise itself. In my interview with Izzy, he suggested we play the game together in real time on air. I agreed but commented that I expected it would be challenging to do a single word at time. I was making a judgment about something I’d never experienced. I assumed it would be harder than what I knew. In other words, I came with a story (as we all do in life) that impacted my perception and my reaction before we’d even started.

Consider how often this happens in your daily negotiations in life. How often do you show up with expectations, judgments and stories before the negotiation even begins? How does this impact on how you show up? Get curious about the stories you may tell yourself and the judgments you may bring to the negotiation table. Pay attention to the state that you show up in. Are you excited, anxious, fearful? Recognize what fears show up. Is it fear of being judged, fear of failure, fear of the unknown?

There is typically a jumbled mix of emotions when approaching a negotiation or any potentially challenging conversation. Learning to recognize the feelings that arise that don’t serve you is a valuable skill.

Likewise, as the negotiation proceeds, you’ll likely have judgments and stories about yourself, the other party, and the process. The One-Word Story exercise was interesting from that perspective as well. I found that I was judging my performance, feeling that I was too slow and disrupting the flow. My inner critic was in full bloom. No doubt you’ve experienced this in your negotiations. We judge ourselves deficient with no data to support that story. And it adversely impacts on our experience and ultimately our performance.

We often impose limitations that have no objective basis. Izzy shared a story about a workshop he led where one woman had the same reaction I had. She felt she had been too slow notwithstanding that no time limit had been imposed, and in fact, Izzy’s instructions had explicitly said there was no limit. The woman acknowledged this, saying “I heard you, but I didn’t believe you, because nothing in my life has no time pressure to it.”

As she said those words, the light bulb went off. She realized why her direct reports were so nervous when she came into the room. She realized she carries and emanates a sense of urgency around with her even when it’s not necessary. This is an important realization. Who we show up as (whether in games, in leadership roles or in negotiations) impacts the emotions, consciously and unconsciously, of the people we deal with. Increasing our awareness about this allows to get more intentional about choosing approaches that will serve to deliver better outcomes.

The exercise is a safe place to explore these concepts without defensiveness. It’s easier to be vulnerable talking about these issues in the context of a game where there are no real-world consequences. You can take more risks and experience deeper learning and insights which you can translate to profound life experiences impacting your relationships and interactions. What you take away from how you play will inform you about how you show up in real life.

For more great gems, check out the full interview with Izzy Gesell, from my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast. Or if you prefer a visual experience, you can check out the interview on our Women On Purpose YouTube channel.

If you’ve ever complained about a lack of balance or harmony in your life, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to the final installment of our 4-part series on How to Negotiate Balance in Your Life.  We’ve been offering up simple, game-changing strategies you can invoke to introduce more balance.

In Part I, we rekindle your desire to find purpose; addressed the importance of saying ‘no’; explored what you may be tolerating that’s sabotaging your chance at balance; considered who you need to negotiate with; and debunked the myth that there’s no such thing as work-life balance.

In Part II, we uncovered enhanced goal setting strategies, discussed being present, knowing your boundaries, and setting your priorities.

In Part III, we continued on our journey to discover balance by introducing simple time management strategies to up level your productivity and priorities focus. We covered how to engage  time audits, energy audits, and time blocks to bring more harmony.

Today, we conclude our exploration to leave you with enhanced skills to find your personal balancing regime.

XI Recognize Your Blocks

Last week, in Part III, we introduced the idea of time blocks and how you could use them to improve your productivity and efficiency. Continuing with the theme of blocks, let’s turn our attention inward. What internal blocks may be holding you back from having the balance you deserve?

At some level, do you believe you don’t deserve downtime? Or are you resistant to receiving from other people? We often end up self-sabotaging by convincing ourselves we need to take care of everything. Do the inner work necessary to challenge these limiting beliefs or balance will continue to elude you.

Or maybe you’re living in a ‘one day’ mindset, setting self-imposed conditions before you allow yourself to live into your dream (i.e. once the kids are in school, or once the kids are out of school, or once the kids are out of the house, or once I hit this particular target, or once I get this one more degree, or hit that marker). I call that living in a ‘one day’ mindset, because there will always be some other marker. Some other thing that allows you to put your dreams and your vision and your entitlement to balance on pause. I invite you to challenge that. Start living into your best life now.

What are your internal blocks? Identifying them is the first step to eradicating them. Flip the stories you’ve been telling yourself that hold you back from stepping into your most empowered self and life.

XII Control Your Environment

Are you intentional about managing your environment? First, look to your physical environment. A cluttered space can cause a cluttered mind which makes it challenging to find that gorgeous, elusive balance. Be mindful of your space. Create a space you enjoy being in. Spoil yourself. Treat yourself. Have an environment that inspires you to show up as the best version of yourself. Have somewhere in your house you love to unwind and relax. Be very mindful about your physical environment.

Also, as part of your environment, be mindful about who you have in your life. Ensure you surround yourself with people who are both inspired and inspiring, who inspire you to reach higher, to be better. I invite you to take a look at your inner circle. It is said that our success reflects the five closest people in our inner circle. Are the people currently in your inner circle people who may be holding you back?

Sometimes these are people who do it out of love, with the best of intentions, but they make us question ourselves, doubt ourselves, stop us from taking risks. They stop us from growing, keeping us in a comfortable space thinking they’re keeping us safe when in fact they’re holding us back from achieving our full potential.

Be mindful of your environment. Surround yourself with people who challenge you, who stretch you, who encourage you to grow, because it’s only when you do that, that you’re going to be able to find balance.

XIII Push Outside Your Comfort Zones

Some of us convince ourselves that we’ve achieved a state of balance when we’re really just sitting in our comfort zones. We don’t feel challenged and so it feels safe. In fact, though, those comfort zones are self-imposed prisons. They keep us small. They constrict us. They shrink us. This is not balance – this is withering on the vine of life.

Instead, I invite you to be brave. Take your foot off your psychological emergency brake. As you take risks to learn new things, you gain competence. With that competence comes confidence. With that increased confidence, comes increased willingness to try more new things, which breeds ever-increasing competencies, in a gorgeous upward spiral. These increased competencies and confidence will allow you more choice, which in turn will allow you to better maintain a state of balance and harmony in your life.

Final Thoughts

Remember that you get what you tolerate in life. You get to determine your boundaries and your non-negotiables. And as you practice being able to give positive no’s in your life, you can open up more space, have more flexibility and start to practice the act of balancing of your life. This involves a negotiation with yourself, with those in your workplace, and with those closest to you in terms of family and friends.

I’d be remiss though if I didn’t point out that we are not machines. You’re human. Allow for that. This series is designed to give you some tips to step into a life with more balance. Take what works for you. This isn’t an all or nothing approach. Acknowledge that life happens. There will be necessary unanticipated interruptions. For example, my mom was diagnosed with dementia this year. There are times when I have to drop everything and tend to her needs. Or our one-year-old German Shepherd pup gets into mischief and I may have to deal with it in the moment (or my important documents may become his snack). I get it.

Life is for living, not sticking rigidly to a mandated compliance regime. Be sure to allow down time to just ‘be’. Schedule time for pleasure activities and also allow time for unscheduled moments. You don’t want to be scheduled 100% of the time. Give yourself the grace to be human and to enjoy this human experience.

I invite you to go forth and start negotiating the flexibility and balance you deserve. Maybe you haven’t thought of it as a negotiation before. And if so, I have done my job at the very least in reframing the issue and increasing your awareness to better equip you to step into your new state of symmetry, stability, and steadiness.