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The Language of Gender in Negotiations

In the intricate dance of negotiations, language serves as both a tool and a battleground, particularly when it comes to gender. Negotiation is not just about the exchange of contractual terms and figures; it is also deeply influenced by how individuals communicate, and these communication patterns can vary based on gender-conditioning.

Nuances embedded within linguistic choices can profoundly shape the outcome of negotiations, reflecting and perpetuating societal norms and power dynamics. Whether it is the subtle differences in tone or through the manifestation of gender stereotypes, language often becomes a vehicle for reinforcing existing biases or challenging them.

The tendency for men to employ more direct language in negotiations can convey confidence and authority, which may influence how their messages are perceived by counterparts. Employing the use of clear and assertive language often translates to a sense of decisiveness. Conversely, women tend to use more indirect language in negotiations. While this approach can be seen as diplomatic and considerate, it may sometimes be perceived as less assertive or confident compared to direct communication styles.

These language nuances and conventions are not solely influenced by individual preferences but are also shaped by broader societal and cultural norms. Expectations and stereotypes associated with gender roles may inadvertently impact how individuals communicate during negotiations.

However, effective negotiation isn’t about conforming to rigid stereotypes but rather about leveraging communication strategies that resonate with the specific context and counterpart. It’s about being adaptable, aware, and responsive to the dynamics at play. In a negotiation where gender biases may influence perceptions, individuals can overcome challenges by promoting open dialogue and mutual understanding.

The first step to overcoming these gender-conditioned approaches is awareness. It’s one of the reasons I started my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ book discussing the problems of social conditioning and its impact on bargaining approaches and outcomes. It’s important to be intentional about our approach to negotiation. This intentionality requires both self-awareness and societal conditioning awareness.

Understanding these linguistic differences, for example, is crucial for negotiators. By recognizing and adapting to these tendencies, negotiators can strategically align their communication styles with the desired negotiation objectives. For instance, women negotiators might consider incorporating more direct language when clarity and assertiveness are paramount in a negotiation context. And men may be better served by leaning in to so-called ‘softer’ approaches to get more creative outcomes.

Enhancing awareness and skill is important in improving negotiation strategies for all genders. For example, practicing different communication styles and learning to navigate biases can equip negotiators with tools to communicate more effectively. But, navigating this and challenging biases can be a difficult journey.

Inherent and individual nature certainly affects choices made in dialogue. For example, a man who is soft-spoken or has a natural gentle demeanor may be perceived as less confident or decisive because his behaviour does not fit into typical expectations of how men act. On the other side, a woman who is more direct or resolute in her use of language may be seen as callous or aggressive because she does not fit typical social perceptions. Before my epiphany I fell into this latter category. My clients called me the ‘Barracuda’ for approaches that would have been considered unremarkable in my male colleagues.

The pressures of social norms may force individuals to fight against their inherent nature in order to fit imposing standards. However, authentic and genuine communication become a common forgotten skill when adhering to societal conventions of language. Acknowledging these gender-based communication tendencies is essential for navigating interpersonal interactions effectively.

In negotiations the choice of language can significantly influence perceptions of credibility and competence. The approach of genuine conversation and attitudes instead of using facades can positively impact negotiation styles and foster a more harmonious environment. Trust is critical in any negotiation. Authenticity is key to build this necessary trust.

Ultimately, successful negotiation hinges on effective communication that fosters mutual understanding and agreement. Ongoing research into gender and language in negotiation informs best practices for promoting equity and inclusivity. For instance, studies on negotiation strategies that account for diverse communication styles can offer practical insights for improving negotiation outcomes and fostering respectful dialogue among negotiators. By embracing diverse communication styles and navigating gender-based language tendencies thoughtfully, negotiators can enhance their ability to achieve favorable outcomes while fostering constructive dialogue and relationships in the negotiating arena.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Why “A Man in Full” Reinforces the Need for The Art of Feminine Negotiation

The new highly anticipated Netflix series, “A Man in Full”, demonstrates the desperate need for a new reframe on negotiation success. In fact, watching the show last night reminded me why I launched my mission for the Art of Feminine Negotiation. ™

While the series should play as a parody of masculine toxicity, sadly, it rings true for much of what passes as strong leadership these days. Whether it’s the business tycoon, the banking hotshot, the simpering loans officer, the mayor, or legal counsel, the male leads can hardly be called protagonists. Each in their own way are antagonists or antiheros, displaying behaviour that is neither acceptable nor productive.

The men in the show put on a full-on display of toxic masculine conditioning run amok. Not surprisingly, there is an inordinate amount of references to balls and pricks with a corresponding number of F-bombs or derivatives thereof thrown into the mix. The language reflects the behaviour.

The men brag about their relative abilities to ‘kick another man’s ass’ (both literally and figuratively) and are hell-bent on destruction of their ‘opponents’. Ego and testosterone abound in virtually every interaction between the males in the show. As in real life, this does not end well.

Respect and dignity are not a factor in their negotiations. In fact, the over-riding goal in almost every negotiation featured appears to be the humiliation and belittling of the other side. Brutish bullying seems to be the go-to modus operandi even when it’s to the character’s detriment.

Winning is everything, but unfortunately their concepts of winning do not allow for best outcomes. Taking the most aggressive path is always chosen even when it doesn’t best serve the party taking that approach. Charlie Croker (played by Jeff Daniels) brags that ‘I may be a sore loser sometimes, but I’m a vicious winner’ as if this is a sign of his superior business acumen.

Don’t get me wrong. The production is fabulous, and the acting is exceptional. It’s the message I take issue with. I expect the hope is that the audience will see the folly in the traditional competitive and polarizing approach to negotiating (in business and life) and choose a better path – a more collaborative, creative path to a better future. Heck, that’s the point of the Art of Feminine Negotiation™ – to truly seek to understand and meet the needs of the other party in our interactions and negotiations. But I fear that the audience will take away the opposite lesson, believing that emulating this toxic, divisive behaviour is somehow a sign of power and success.

Allow me to spin some better lessons to take away from the show:

  1. Surrender ego for better negotiated outcomes. Bumper-car egos are an impediment to good negotiating. Parking ego when approaching a negotiation will virtually always make space for better resolutions.
  2. Build rapport and trust and with it, better results. Effective negotiation is all about connection. Personalized attacks destroy the possibility of connection that allows for bigger and better opportunities.
  3. Empathy is key to getting to the heart of the matter and opening space for unexpected wins for all.
  4. Holding all your cards to your chest (rather than allowing for transparency and vulnerability) may preclude your ability to find the real deal.
  5. Be willing to be flexible. Staying too attached to one particular outcome precludes your ability to see better possibilities lying on the table for the having.
  6. Aggressiveness is not the same as assertiveness. The former shows a lack of confidence in your knowledge of the subject whereas the latter comes from effective preparation and intention in showing up as the best version of yourself.
  7. Curiosity is more effective than bullying in negotiations.
  8. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. Shutting down either is not an effective way to get your best result.
  9. Integrity matters in negotiation and in life. I mean this in both sense of the word. Sacrificing our moral code inevitably backfires as does coming from a place not in keeping with our core values.
  10. Machismo is not strength. In fact, the so-called ‘soft skills’ are the strongest way to best outcomes.
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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Lessons from Navigating Season Changes to Improve Your Negotiation Success

It’s that time of the year again. Another season change, and with it the daily uncertainty of how to dress … and more. As I’ve struggled with simple decisions during the long transition from winter to spring, it struck me that there are lessons to be learned from this quarterly dance that could improve negotiation success. I thought I’d share them with you.

One of the foundational elements of my Art of Feminine Negotiation system is my A.R.E. F.I.T (just think you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator) model. It’s a simple mnemonic representing the key skills you need to bring to the table to get best negotiated outcomes: Assertiveness, Rapport Building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust.

Surprisingly, these skills apply whether navigating season changes or negotiating high stakes deals. Let’s unpack them.

 

Assertiveness:

Most people confuse assertiveness with aggression. They’re not the same thing. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. It’s simple really.

Rather than railing at Mother Nature about unexpected elements during season changes (like a major dump of snow the day after you swapped out your snow tires with regular tires), instead do a little preparation. Check the forecasts, consider historical patterns, calculate the pros and cons of early versus late switchover (i.e. wear on your snow tires from dry pavement versus an accident from no traction with regular tires). Ultimately you need to make a decision, knowing it may work out as planned, but it may not.

This is much like the decision-making process in traditional negotiations. Unexpected elements arise. We can try to bully and bluster our way through these changes (typically to no avail other than damaging relationships and with it outcomes), or we can do the preparation necessary to make informed decisions, remaining open to the potential need to pivot when things move in a different direction.

 

Rapport-Building

I invite you to introduce yourself to each new season. Embrace it. Discover it. Show up with curiosity. Connect. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Build a relationship with each new stage. This approach will almost certainly allow for a better experience.

Similarly, in your negotiations, don’t treat the other party as the enemy. Don’t think of them (or their ideas or proposals) as something to ‘get through’ until you can impose your will. Be intentional about building rapport. Negotiation is all about relationship and connection.

 

Empathy

It’s easy to get frustrated with the changes each new season brings. From the frogs hopping haphazardly on the roadways with spring rainfalls (making nighttime driving an adventure), to the bugs splatting against your windshield or vying for your blood, it’s easy to resent them. I get it. But what if, instead, you put yourself in their shoes? Imagine how challenging their lives are, struggling to survive their too-short time on Earth. Recognize their contribution to the eco-system and how everything falls apart without the diversity they offer. Your tolerance will rise and your frustration fall.

Likewise, in negotiations, the key to greater success is truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party. Listen and learn. Adopt their perspective to broaden your own. It will profoundly change your experience and your outcomes.

 

Flexibility

Be prepared to be flexible during change of seasons. You may leave in the morning with frost on the ground and a bitter wind biting through your clothing, only to be sweating in your aptly named sweater by lunchtime. Wear layers. Bring a change of clothing. Be flexible to the need to shift.

Negotiations are no different. The other party may not show up as expected. Positions may change. Either theirs or your situation may shift. It’s important to remain flexible and open to new possibilities that may present and to find the golden opportunity in these unexpected shifts.

 

Intuition

Sometimes, even with all the preparation in the world, you just need to tap into your intuition. If you’re dying to enjoy the back deck but your intuition tells you that a whopper of a storm with gale-force winds is coming, maybe you don’t put out the patio furniture and cushions today.

This skill is often ignored or undervalued in negotiations as well. Trust your instincts. If your spidey-sense is sending off alarm bells about the trustworthiness of your bargaining counterpart, trust it! Sometimes quick decisions need to be made in negotiations. If so, slow your breathing, close your eyes, and connect with your intuition.

 

Trust

Nature can seem haphazard – sometimes even cruel. But there is an order to the seeming chaos. Nature is efficient. There is little waste or excess. Virtually everything serves a purpose and works in near perfect synchronicity. Trust it. Respect it.

In our real-world negotiations, it’s also critical to earn trust and respect. Show up with integrity. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. Protect your reputation. Keep your word.

 

As you settle in to the changes this spring brings from your corner of the world, seek to fully enjoy the experience. Be intentional in your daily negotiations and in your daily navigation of the season changes. In that way, you can position yourself to negotiate your best life.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Negotiating Joy in the Journey

As I look out the window and see rain pouring down (again) I’m reminded of the ‘April showers bring May flowers’ proverb. At first, I prided myself on my ability to bring a positive perspective to the doldrums of the rain. But I quickly realized that I still have work to do as even that ‘spin’ sets a negative, disempowering tone.

Language matters. Our brain tries to give us what it thinks we want. When I quip that ‘April showers bring May flowers’, I’m really training my brain to see April (and its showers) as something I need to persevere through to get to the May flowers. That perspective brings resistance with it.

What if, instead, I focused on the sheer joy of the showers themselves? Not as a journey to get to the ultimate destination of flowers, but rather, as an exceptional experience in and of itself.

What if I trained my brain to appreciate the wildly divergent sound patterns that the rain brings us – a symphony of music, changing tempo and tone moment to moment. And what if I celebrated the dance of the raindrops as they hit different surfaces, creating art in the myriad of unexpected patterns that emerge. What if I closed my eyes and breathed in the rich earthy smells the rain evokes.

Rather than April showers being something to endure on the journey to May flowers, they would become a gift that brings joy in the journey.

And what if we applied that principle to our lives? Think of any task you have on your plate at the moment. I invite you to choose to appreciate each step of the journey enroute to completion of that task. And yes, it is a choice.

You get to determine where you put your focus and what meaning you attach to your thoughts. Negotiating your mindset may be the most important negotiation you undertake in every moment of each day. You can focus on the end goal, seeing each step in the process as a necessary evil to reach that goal. Or you can embrace those interim steps as moments to be fully experienced and enjoyed along the way.

Consider your bigger vision and dreams for your life. Do you see the steps along the path to that vision as a grind, a trial or a tribulation? I invite you to ensure you choose mindful presence in each moment as you move toward your vision. Choose joy in the journey.

If your brain tries to give you what we want, how much more empowered will your adventures be if you train it to find the joy? To seek the beauty and gifts. To bask in gratitude in each moment.

Imagine how much better your life can be when you accept that you hold the power to train your brain to seek more positive and uplifting evidence. Simple perspective shifts can be gamechangers in life. You can choose to adopt one of these gamechangers now.

From attending to small tasks, to relationship building, to building an empire, choose joy in the journey. How simple is that?

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Celebrate Extraordinary Everyday Women

Today is International Women’s Day. I invite you to take time to think about the women in your life who deserve to be celebrated but seldom get recognized. Let’s salute the extraordinary everyday women who add value to the world with no expectation of celebrity … or even acknowledgement. We all know many of these women.
I’m not talking about celebrating martyrdom here, but rather, taking a few moments to meaningfully consider the women who quietly make a difference in the world. We have become such an extrovert and fame-driven society, with influencers and celebs sucking all the oxygen, that countless women who have profound impact go unnoticed and under-appreciated.
Let’s make today their day. Let’s honour them. Let’s shout from the rooftops in celebration of their greatness.
I’ve been doing this myself this week, leading up to International Women’s Day. It’s a humbling experience. I confess, I’ve been pushing for visibility, touting my Wall Street Journal best-selling book and bragging about my recent features in Forbes, Women’s World, LA Weekly, etc. Meanwhile, millions of women, everyday, show up with compassion, kindness, generosity, empathy, curiosity, and creativity. They listen, inspire, and build trust. They seek to understand the perspectives of others. They lift up others to be the best they can, never seeking reward or the limelight.
I was talking to my daughter about International Women’s Day and my husband walked by saying “So when do men get celebrated?” I immediately quipped back, “Well, that would be the other 364 days of the year.” I said it as a fun bite back. But then I got to thinking that there was some truth in that. Women have been conditioned to play small, play nice, not brag on themselves, not take up too much space.
So today, I’d like to start a wave of well-deserved (but too long delayed) heartfelt gratitude and recognition for all those women who make a difference – whether for their family, intimate partners, community, or on the global scene – without expectation.
We’ve become very focused on transactional relationships in our society today. Always looking for the return on investment. Let’s honour those women who do great things with no thought of ‘what’s in it for them’. Let’s celebrate them for a change.
I invite you to recognize them by posting about them publicly. I’ve set up a page to do that. Simply go HERE on Facebook or HERE if Insta is your jam and post a pic and/or brief blurb about your chosen woman to honour.
Don’t be shy or stingy with sharing the praise. Choose as many women as you think deserve to be recognized. Share the post in your circles so it can travel today and beyond giving the long overdue appreciation to extraordinary everyday women who make the world a better place just by being them.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Negotiating Controversial Subjects in Social Settings

Negotiating Controversial Subjects in Social Settings

It’s holiday party season and it’s inevitable that controversial subjects will come up at some point in our social interactions. That’s always been the case, but perhaps more so in these times of profound polarization and change. How we deal with these potentially challenging interactions will determine whether our outcomes are positive or disastrous.

Here’s 3 quick tips I felt compelled to share based on a recent exchange I experienced:

I  There’s a Time and Place for Politicized Discussion – Choose Wisely

While some conversational landmines catch us by surprise, some can be avoided with a little forethought and/or intentionality. As a general rule, it’s probably risky engaging in discussions about politics or religion at holiday get togethers.

You might think this advice doesn’t include family, but I invite you to think about any of your recent family get togethers. If you’re like most people, family is often the most fraught as old family baggage is inevitably layered on and into the discussion. This advice also applies to discussions at social events for work, community, clubs, or organizations.

Warning: This advice applies doubly if alcohol is involved.

Last night, at a holiday party for our group of local authors, the subject of political correctness for writers (and the quickly changing landscape on what this encompasses) came up in conversation. No question this was an interesting and important issue with the potential for a vigorous and engaging discussion. However, in hindsight, perhaps our holiday party was not the best forum for the discourse.

II  Know When to Call Out ‘Bad Behaviour’

As you may have guessed from my cautionary tip above, the potentially exciting conversation went sideways quickly. Note that sometimes it can take a single person to fundamentally change the nature of a conversation (for the good or the bad). In this situation, one person continued to engage insensitive racial overtones and to consistently interrupt and talk over the others in the conversation.

This raised the obvious question … do I call out the behaviour or let it ride?

I love important discussions on challenging issues. It’s one of the ways we grow into the best versions of ourselves. It’s one of the fundamental premises behind my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ mission as the world is in a polarized place right now. People dig into their respective positions, and few are open to meaningful dialogue to better understand opposing perspectives. Many preach their own rhetoric without understanding other viewpoints (in our personal lives, on social media and even on the world stage).

Much of the work I do is stimulating these very types of discussions. To do that effectively, it’s necessary to ensure that everyone follows key protocols, which include listening fully to each speaker in turn without interruption. This is particularly so vis-a-vis women, as women tend to be interrupted and talked over 45% more than their male counterparts (both by men and by other women).

I suspect, in part, that’s why I felt compelled to call out the behaviour and note the interruptions as a starting point. It was challenging to move forward with any discussion when nobody could finish a sentence. I was hoping to invite more curiosity to hear other viewpoints on the broader issues (as is key, especially on issues we feel strongly about). Curiosity can move mountains.

III  Know When to Walk Away

In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, ‘you’ve gotta know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run’. Curiosity did not win the day last night. Whether it was the nature of the event, the forum or external factors, our interrupter doubled down and it became impossible to engage in any real exchange.

It was time to step back from the conversation. Part of my advocacy work as a social justice attorney and specialist in conflict communications, and also in my work as a women’s empowerment coach, is working together on empowering ways to step into the fullness of our power, redefining who we choose to be and how we choose to show up. It’s important to know when that can be achieved … and when it cannot.

Don’t get sucked into a conversation that will continue to devolve. Gently redirect the conversation and park it for a more appropriate and productive time and place. Explore alternative approaches that may prove more empowering.

There’s great power in avoiding unnecessary conflict and choosing to walk away altogether where there is no value to be had, or ideally picking up the thread strategically in a more advantageous manner at a later time and place with the opportunity for forethought and preparation to increase the chances of more successful outcomes.

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How You Can Achieve More by Negotiating from an Abundance (versus Scarcity) Mindset

How You Can Achieve More by Negotiating from an Abundance (versus Scarcity) Mindset

We hear a lot these days about abundance versus scarcity mindsets. Many consider these concepts to be woo-woo and dismiss them. This is not surprising in a society where we’ve been conditioned to define success based on a competitive ‘winner take all’ approach. With the new year fast approaching, I invite you to embrace an abundance mindset in your negotiations and beyond. You may be surprised at the returns that abound from this outlook.

First let’s touch on what we mean by abundance versus scarcity mindsets. In short, scarcity mindsets assume limited resources are available and so, we fight over this perceived limited access, believing that’s the only way to secure a piece of the fixed pie available. By contrast, abundance mindsets assume limitless resources. Rather than fighting over a fixed pie, let’s create some more pie so everyone can share in it. Better yet, rather than only having pecan pie available, let’s create different kinds of pie so everyone can get what they want, how they want it.

Admitted, I’ve over-simplified the concept. Yet I challenge you to genuinely consider which approach would better serve … you individually and humanity generally. Imagine a world where we believed that unlimited love, happiness, and wealth was available for all. Scarcity mindsets are narrow and limiting, pitting us against each other, whereas abundance provides an ever-expanding expectation of more, inspiring creativity to find bigger, better options.

I certainly saw this divide in my law practice. In fact, I believe it’s one of the fatal flaws in our legal system. I even saw this approach in my coaching business. It’s ironic that in the personal development business we still see some approaching the business from a territorial, protective place – hardly a model for evolved personal development. By contrast, I always strove to be generous, sharing my resources and collaborating openly and extensively.

Those who encourage abundance mindsets are more magnetic and have a more profound positive impact. I invite you to give wide berth to those who operate on principles of scarcity, seeking to motivate through pain points and fear.

Which approach you adopt is a choice. You have 100% responsibility for your experience of life. Why not choose better? This fundamental choice between abundance versus scarcity affects your business opportunities, your relationships (personally and professionally) and the quality of the experiences in your life.

It stands to reason that if you withhold in your relationships, believing there are limited rations at your disposal to share, you will not love fully and deeply. If you impose limitations on your love, or conditions, or insist on expectations of equal reciprocity, you lose out on the joy of unqualified love and giving.

In business, if you think small, seeing restrictions rather than pursuing a big, bolder vision for yourself, you will limit your options, and with it your potential for maximum success. I was guilty of this for a time in my law practice. I under-charged what I was worth, and I stayed smaller than I needed.

Even in our personal experiences, we often limit our potential for living into the boldest version of our lives. I was guilty of this for a time. Growing up in a low rental apartment complex, where money was always a source of conflict with my parents, I carried a lot of money baggage. I wanted to live large, and I believed I was as I travelled extensively and embraced new experiences. But, if I’m ruthlessly honest with myself, I always sought out the budget version of my experiences.

Recently, on our trip to Antarctica, I decided to adopt an abundance mindset. I booked a Panoramic suite. The price point almost made me choke, but I chose to believe I was worth it. I chose to believe the enhanced experience would be worth it. I chose to believe the money would come. And guess what? I was, it was and it did. That trip was a once in a lifetime extraordinary experience.

Where are you holding back in your life? Where are you thinking small? Where are you living in a scarcity mindset when an abundance mindset would better serve you?

As you step into this new year, I invite you to think bigger, live larger, expand your boundaries, give more freely, and fully embrace this life you’ve been given, squeezing out the juice, confident that you can create more.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Negotiating Lessons Worth Remembering from Lessons in Chemistry

Negotiating Lessons Worth Remembering from Lessons in Chemistry

A friend recently recommended the hit Apple TV+ show, Lessons in Chemistry. Before you tune out, the show is less about chemistry or science than about gender roles and negotiating life. I’m embarrassed to say I hadn’t heard of it, notwithstanding its long run on the New York Times bestseller list and transition to a hit TV series.

The show received the Seal of Female Empowerment in Entertainment (SOFEE) award and it’s well-deserved as it casts light on the differential treatment of women in the sciences and beyond. Equally important, the show highlights that discriminatory treatment came not only from men, but from other women, and internally from women vis-à-vis themselves. Raising awareness about the breadth of this problem has been a passion of mine and is a recurring theme in my book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation.

Unconscious gender bias grows under a patriarchal system and flourishes by virtue of the conditioning that comes from such a system. Some of the discriminatory standards, expectations and treatment are conscious while much is under the radar. It’s often the more insidious unconscious biases that wreak havoc and pose significant and dangerous threats.

While the story is set in the 1940’s it’s interesting to observe where we’ve made progress, but also, to recognize where these problems are still pervasive. It was striking to me that there was some pushback by women against the show and allegations that the show reflected a ‘precarious version of feminism’.

There was a complaint that the message was undercut because the main character, Elizabeth, was clearly exceptional. It was suggested that the discrimination angle would have more impact if the main character was an ‘average’ woman. This, to me, missed the point. The very fact that someone as exceptional as Elizabeth still could not achieve even basic recognition (let alone equal treatment) underlines the profound depths of the problem.

There was also criticism that the few men in the show who showed a modicum of respect for women were given too much credit and praised for ‘doing the bare minimum’. Again, to me, this was, in part, the point. That was certainly the reality at that time, and frankly continues to be the reality to a large extent today. It’s only when we call out this habit and raise awareness about our conditioning and its impact that we can effect real change.

Brie Larson plays the role of Elizabeth beautifully, capturing the complexity of the character and the issues at hand. Here’s just a sprinkling of the issues faced by the character:

  • Sexually assaulted by her professor and academic advisor at the culmination of her PhD – required to apologize to him if she desired to continue with her PhD (which she refused to do on principle) – told to consider herself lucky that her attacker wasn’t pressing aggravated assault charges when she defended herself

  • Not able to serve as a chemist but only a lab tech (notwithstanding that her male counterparts consistently had to come to her for advice on how to solve the problems and notwithstanding that she was clearly the brightest mind in the lab

  • Even as a lab tech, not respected, expected to get the coffee etc. for her male colleagues

  • Not afforded credit for her ground-breaking research – not allowed to publish the paper in her name or even as a co-author

  • Had her work stolen by male colleagues

  • Terminated for ‘getting herself knocked up’ as an unwed mother

  • Alienated by both the men and women at the university – not accepted as a scientist and not accepted as a ‘woman’ because she wouldn’t conform to the expected beauty pageant approach expected of women

Through all this adversity, Elizabeth remained true to herself and stood in a place of integrity. Negotiating with integrity is necessary. I mean this in both senses of the word – both being honest and having ‘moral uprightness’, and also being in a state of wholeness, in alignment with your values.

As we negotiate our lives, both personally and professionally, it’s important to recognize the impact that unconscious gender bias may play. First, it’s critical to negotiate our own mindset to ensure that these biases and deep-seated historical and ongoing conditioning don’t have us showing up as smaller versions of ourselves.

It’s important to contemplate the extent to which we support other women and help them rise up versus coming from a place of conditioned judgment or competition where we become part of the problem rather than solution. A rising tide lifts all boats. Changing our habits in this regard requires ruthless honesty and self-reflection.

Coming from a place of confidence is key in any negotiation – whether in your personal relationships or in negotiating your career advancement or in the myriad of necessary daily negotiations we face.

I invite you to check out the show, to reflect, and to start a meaningful dialogue about the advances we’ve made and also the areas where we still have a lot of work to do.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

Vulnerability is in Vogue in Negotiations and Beyond

Vulnerability is being touted as the new bargaining advantage. While there is some merit to that perspective, I thought it was worth a few moments to explore the good, the bad and the ugly of various versions we’re seeing with this phenomenon.

Traditional models of negotiation had us holding our cards close to our chest and being careful not to give away too much. Heaven forbid we disclosed our true heart’s desire in our hard-boiled negotiation style. There was much posturing, diversion tactics and smoke screens to obfuscate the real end goal.

I probably used to be guilty of this approach to some degree myself as it was our conditioned response. I’m no longer a fan of this approach. In my experience, when both parties create the space for honest, open communications it allows for more creative solutions that better meet the needs of all parties.

Getting curious allows us to peek behind the curtain to ascertain the unstated needs really driving the discussion. Bringing empathy to the table, seeking to truly understand and meet the needs of the other party wherever possible will get better outcomes.

Taking this new approach and allowing openness requires a certain level of vulnerability. And this is a good thing. It allows for humanity in the discussion. It triggers reciprocity, thereby triggering a chain of collaborative thinking that typically leads to better results and less positional bargaining.

It can also be beneficial for the other party as it feeds our human need to be altruistic, evoking their empathy and allowing them to step up as a better version of themselves. This in turn feeds the ego.

Having said that, vulnerability is not the same thing as victimhood. There seems to be some confusion about that distinction these days as we see increasing celebrations of victimhood which serve no one.

I knew this trend had hit critical mass when I attended a Union convention a few years back. Virtually every single candidate running for position shared some personal intimate trauma or experience and cried at the mic when it was their turn to speak about their platform. These are the same trade unionists who a few years prior were still beating their chests, banging the table and storming out of negotiation rooms. Somewhere along the path to exploring their vulnerable side, they missed the middle ground.

And this is not a surprise when we consider the modelling we’re seeing in recent years. Most mega-influencers have mastered the craft of crying on demand. In fact, some story-telling and speaking coaches seem to suggest that a signature talk is not complete unless you muster up a tear or two at relevant points in the delivery. Heck, even Tony Robbins has apparently decided that crying is in vogue.

Personally, I’m not a fan of staged crying for impact. I believe vulnerability is key when it’s authentic. It’s a powerful tool in bargaining and in life generally. However, honesty, authenticity and integrity are also key. The two need to be balanced.

Powerful negotiation is based on relationship. Strong relationships need to be based on a bedrock of trust. This trust is fundamentally eroded when it’s based on a lie. So, by all means be open. Be honest. Be yourself. Build rapport. Bring empathy. Be flexible. Tap in to your intuition.

Share your real needs and seek to determine the underlying needs of the other party. But do not create artificial drama as a means to build unmerited sympathy. This crosses from vulnerability to manipulation.

Authentic vulnerability can build trust whereas manufactured versions break it. As you explore your vulnerability and tap into the inherent goodness to be mined in doing so, I invite you to consider its flavour and to avoid the bad and ugly versions we’re seeing modelled today.

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Entrepreneurship Personal Development Women In Business

How to Negotiate from a Place of Calm Part II

Negotiating from a place of calm will get you better outcomes, better relationships, and better buy-in. Yet we rarely invest the time to ensure that we achieve this state in advance of our negotiations. This is a mistake. Our first and most important negotiation is negotiating our own mindset and familiarizing ourselves with techniques to show up from a place of calm is a key part of that process.

Last week, after interviewing Dr. Annie White (author of The Calm Code: Transform Your Mind, Change Your Life) on my Art of Feminine Negotiation podcast, I kick-started this series on how to negotiate from a place of calm, sharing a special visualization technique advocated by Dr. White that allows you to start retraining your neural pathways to find the calm.

As promised, this week I’m sharing three additional simple ways you can start to calm your nervous system on the spot to have those new messages imprint more deeply.

I  Create a photo album

We’re human. We sometimes get in a state, considering worst-case scenarios. This is not a strong place from which to negotiate. So, if you find yourself in one of these negative states in a negotiation (or leading up to the negotiation), in that moment, forget about the negotiation.

Instead, make an album of pictures in your mind that make you feel calm, happy (or any positive emotion). In fact, ideally, I invite you to create an actual album of these photos on your phone right now. You can choose animal photos, beach photos, sunsets … whatever takes you to a calm place.

Then, next time you’re in this tizzy about anything, bring out your personal feel-good photo album, set your timer, and go through it for three minutes. In that way you start to train and strengthen these pathways in your mind, so that, over time, they become stronger. Then you won’t just default to the negative or the stress anymore.

II  Breathe Through Your Left Nostril

If you’re in a stressful moment (i.e., if you feel your breaths becoming shorter, more shallow, quicker, closer together, you’re going into stress response), put your left hand on your chest and say to yourself, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Then take that left hand and move it down to your lower belly. As you breathe in, feel your lower belly extend out toward the opposite wall, as you continue to say, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.”

And the secret weapon to this process, according to Dr. White, is to then take your right index finger, cover your right nostril, breathe in and out only through your left nostril. As you breathe deeply, keep saying, “I’m safe. I’m not in a life-threatening situation right now.” Scientific studies show that breathing in and out only through the left nostril activates your calm or parasympathetic nervous system and it calms you down faster. Who knew?!

III  Ground Yourself

Before you go into a negotiation, imagine a big gold ball at the bottom of your spine. Then, pull all the emotions you want to feel at the end of the negotiation (as discussed in last week’s article) into that gold ball.

Imagine that gold ball turning into a gold rope that goes all the way down into the center of the earth, and all of those emotions go down that cord into that spot in the earth’s center where mother earth is surrounding them with her beautiful hands in support.

Also ask yourself who do you want to show up as in the negotiation. What emotions do you want to carry into the conversation? Do you want to bring love? Understanding? Support? Add these positive emotions into that grounding cord to be a touchstone for you.

If you start to feel off-center during the negotiation, or like things are getting out of your control, you can quickly visualize this grounded golden ball for a few seconds to regain your balance.

Confidence is key in negotiations. Nervousness and anxiety detract from confidence. Practicing these simple tips will help to calm and ground you so you can show up with more confidence in your negotiations and get better outcomes as a result. And not only do they make you feel better in the moment, but they also strengthen those part of your mind every time you use it by creating new, more positive, neural pathways that better serve you.