Author: Cindy Watson

Power. Everyone wants it. Or at least we’re conditioned to crave it. To worship at its altar. From politics to finance to office (or even schoolyard) dynamics, everyone seems to seek it. Heck, our entertainment industry has us cheering on anti-heroes who lust for power at any cost. Yet what is power? How do we define it? How do we get it? How do we use if effectively? Sadly, there is too little thought given to these questions. We often buy into a misguided sense of what it means to have, hold or exert power. I’d like to debunk some of those misconceptions and reframe how you look at power so you can come to the bargaining table to increase your power in constructive ways.

Power Over vs Power With

When you first think of power, what comes to mind? We’ve been taught to view power as power over others versus power with. This is not surprising in a world where we have been increasingly conditioned to define success based on a competitive, masculine model. In fact, the Miriam-Webster dictionary defines power as: “possession of control, authority or influence over others” – as if we own control over others.

It’s an important distinction to make. When we seek to exert power over others, we miss out on valuable opportunities to find creative solutions that better benefit all. By contrast, when we bring empathy to the table, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of others, seeking to find power together (i.e. power with others) we can secure better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships, and longer-lasting agreements.

What power levers can you bring to the table for better outcomes? How can you increase your power in constructive ways?

Power of Purpose

Let’s start with the Power of Purpose. When you tap into your innate gift and use it for the purpose it was intended, you wield tremendous personal power and the ability to effect profound change and influence in the world. Whenever you approach a negotiation, I invite you to ground yourself in a sense of your deeper purpose and show up from that place.

Power of Collaboration

Added to that, when you show up recognizing the power of collaboration, you open yourself and your negotiating counterpart to opportunities for better outcomes than either would have achieved on their own. The power of multiple brains, working together, firing ideas off each other, inspiring each other to greater heights is a tremendous advantage in finding best outcomes.

Power of Service

Taking collaboration one step further, there can be much power in coming from a mindset of service. In other words, when you can release ego, and seek to serve others, it changes how you show up and with it, the dynamic of a negotiation. While it may seem counter-intuitive, when you approach your negotiations (and life) from a place of service to others, ironically, you’re more likely to get more for yourself in the process.

Power of Proximity

Always be mindful of the power of proximity. Curate your ‘inner circle’. When you surround yourself with people who inspire, lift you up, and encourage you to be the best version of yourself, you will step into a more powerful version of yourself. Likewise, try to cull those in your life who sabotage your confidence, create drama or otherwise drag you down. Our best outcomes depend in part on the people we choose to connect with.

Psychological Power

Your mindset can either give you great power or take it away. Check in with yourself to determine if you seek your sense of value and worth externally or if you own it internally. When you seek validation externally, you give away your power. Practice unconditional self-love so you can show up in any negotiation from a place of unshakable personal power.

Tied to that, check in whether you come from a scarcity mindset (i.e. there’s a fixed pie and I need to fight to get my piece of it) or an abundance mindset (i.e. we can expand the pie to make it as a big as best serves all).

Power of BATNA

On a more practical note, never under-estimate the power of your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). As part of your preparation process for any negotiation, know what your alternatives are in the event the deal at hand didn’t come together. Knowing this gives you great leverage and/or at least allows you to realistically assess the edges of your resistance point. For more info on BATNA – what it is and how to use it – check out my article, Know Your BATNA Before Bargaining.

Power of High Aspirations & Expectation

Studies suggest that those who set their aspirations high in a negotiation get better outcomes. Be intentional from the outset about setting high goals and anchoring high. Be sure to do the inner work necessary to also believe in your ability to get those higher outcomes. The law of attraction would suggest that your genuine expectation of better outcomes will be more likely to attract those results in the same way that a belief you can’t secure your desired outcome will tank your effectiveness.

Tied to that, check in to see if you suffer from a fear of success. This is the oft-ignored sister to fear of failure. Do you ever find that you hit a certain level of success and then plateau or self-sabotage? At some level, you may fear success and what it means to your current life and relationships. This fear can be a major power suck. Marianne Williamson’s famous quote on this is worth a moment’s reflection:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Role Power

You can bring more (or less) power to a negotiation depending on what role you show up in. We often make the mistake of assuming that the ‘higher’ title will wield more power. This is not always true. A C.E.O. can sometimes get more from staff, for example, when they show up as a ‘caring co-worker’ than when they wave their authority flag. In our personal relationships as well, I’ve found I can often get more traction and better outcomes in dealing with my kids when I don’t come in full-on ‘mom’ mode. Be intentional about the role you ‘wear’ in a given negotiation. Choose the role that will secure best outcomes.

If you haven’t been intentional about how to get or use power in your negotiations, don’t fret. It’s never too late to learn how to get and use power effectively. I hope these simple reframes have afforded you the opportunity to think about power differently and in so doing to show up as the most powerful version of yourself in your next negotiations.

How do you react when you face-off with an angry person? Do you shrink or shy away, avoiding the conflict? At the other end of the spectrum, do you get your game-face on and dish it back? Or do you have strategies in place to manage dealing with these situations with intention? We all find ourselves in this situation at some point. What if you could reframe how you see these interactions? Instead of seeing these moments as a hindrance, as horrible experiences to endure (or avoid), what if you could see them as a means to gather valuable information and a means to a successful negotiation outcome?

First let’s explore the 3 key reasons you’re likely to end up negotiating with an angry person.

(i)         The Other Party is Using Anger as a Negotiation Tactic

Recognize that sometimes people feign anger as a negotiation tactic. They use anger, with intention, to get you to acquiesce or make you feel guilty as a means to get their desired outcome. Be on guard for this tactic. Watch for both verbal and non-verbal cues to determine if the anger is authentic or tactical. Trust your intuition. Ask questions.

You may wonder why someone would resort to this tactic. Sadly, research shows that people who use anger in their negotiations get better negotiated outcomes. Now let me be clear. I am NOT advocating that you use this as a strategy. Quite the opposite. I’m sharing these research results so you can protect yourself against falling victim to it. Trust that better outcomes are waiting for you when you adopt some of the strategies we’ll discuss in this article.

(ii)        The Other Party Views Negotiation as a Win/Lose Proposition

We have been conditioned to see negotiations as competitive exercises where ‘winning’ is the goal. When your counterpart shows up from this place, they’re more likely to revert to anger in the negotiation process. Sadly, when we see negotiation as a win/lose proposition we miss out on valuable opportunities to find better solutions for all. When you face someone coming from this place, know you can help get them to a more collaborative approach if you show up with intention and use some of the approaches we suggest here.

(iii)       The Other Party Misunderstands What You’re Trying to Do

Misunderstandings often lead to angry reactions. Stay tuned to determine how you can work with someone to see collaboration and its benefits the same way you do.

Recognize that anger isn’t always directed at you. Often the other party is angry about circumstances. Even the circumstances may have nothing to do with you or the negotiation at hand. In my experience, angry people are often coming from a place of fear. Empathy and curiosity can be powerful antidotes to that. Allowing yourself to show up with empathy, truly seeking to understand the other party, will help identify this and make room for better responses. My No F.E.A.R. preparation model helps redress this.

Here are some quick Do’s when dealing with an angry person in negotiations.

First, let’s tackle the ‘inner’ do list i.e. how you show up:

Inner Do’s:

• Be prepared – do your homework, including anticipating how you can respond to an angry counterpart; explore their triggers, etc. in advance whenever possible.
• Know your why – know your deep ‘why’ that’s driving the negotiation/issue for you. It can help keep you focused on the outcome and stay out of reactive mode.
• Self-regulate – don’t respond in kind. Take a breath. Ground yourself in a reminder of ‘who’ you want to show up as. Consider where the anger is coming from so you can respond most appropriately and productively.
• Remain courteous and respectful – rather than getting reactive, when you treat the other party with dignity and respect you model best behaviour and can trigger reciprocity.
• Stay focused and calm – don’t allow someone else’s anger to cause you to lose the clarity you need to secure best outcomes for you.
• Practice empathy – seek to understand the other person’s position, their needs (both stated and unstated) and what drives them.
• Separate the person from the problem – avoid personalizing the process – stay focused on the issues at hand and try to bring the discussion back to best ways to get the best outcome.
• Know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) [For more on this check out my article on Know Your BATNA]

Here are some ‘external’ do’s you can try on during the negotiation itself:

External Do’s:

• Get them to agree with you i.e. summarize their position.
• Get curious. Ask questions.
• Practice active listening.
• Put your needs into their words – they’ll want to know what’s in it for them.
• Mirror their words.
• Let them think they’re in control.
• Invite them to show up as the best version of themselves (i.e. “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you …”).
• Call it out – speak to elephant in room – not in a way so as to trigger a defensive dig-in but to allow a face-saver for the other party (i.e. “It seems that you’re upset. Is there something I’ve said or done that’s causing this reaction? What can we do to get back on track?”)
• Consider changing the venue i.e. regroup over lunch or go for a walk together to discuss the matter.

Consider the wisdom of Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, each great negotiators in their own right. When faced with anger they didn’t respond from a place of reactivity. They were thoughtful, considerate and compelling. They were strategic and kept the clarity necessary to maximize their chance of influencing the other party to their position through respectful, calm, insightful persuasion. In doing so, they invited the other party to show up as a better version of themselves.

I hope this quick check-list helps next time you find yourself facing an angry person in negotiations.

What if the key to being a better negotiator was as simple as tapping into your inner child? There are a number of areas where adults could learn a thing or two from observing children’s natural negotiation prowess. Sound crazy? What if I told you that experts suggest kids are highly skilled negotiators? A study out of Sweden found that children as young as 2 years old negotiated with clear purpose in their play, showed definite problem-solving strategies, and made genuine efforts to understand their friends’ perspectives.

Can you say the same about your negotiation skills? Particularly around the issue of empathy. The ability to truly put oneself in the shoes of the other party, seeking to understand their position and needs, looking to find creative solutions for everyone, is a foundational cornerstone of effective negotiating, but often missing in our approach.

It’s worth exploring a few of these areas where children shine to remind ourselves of some basic negotiation skills that we unlearned somewhere along the way.

Get Curious

As is obvious to any parent or anyone who’s spent more than a few minutes with a child, children ask ‘why.’ Often. They have natural curiosity and aren’t afraid to keep asking ‘why’ until they get an answer that satisfies. Few adults do the same. How about you? That failure to stay curious adversely impacts on your ability to negotiate effectively.

Digging deep to uncover your why in a negotiation will enhance your ability to influence and persuade. Likewise, seasoned negotiators know the value in considering the deep why driving the other party. Often it’s those hidden, unstated (and sometimes unconscious) needs that really drive a negotiation. Like an iceberg, the stated needs are just the tip visible above the waterline. The bulk, however, lies hidden under the surface. It takes curiosity to discover those driving needs.

Getting curious also leads to getting intentional about asking powerful questions—an essential skill for a masterful negotiator. Contrary to popular belief, the person talking the loudest and longest in a negotiation isn’t winning. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to stop talking if you find that you’re dominating the conversation. Active listening and provocative, targeted questions will go much further in finding creative solutions and securing better buy-in.

Ask, Ask, Ask

Children ask for what they want … over and over again. And children don’t just ask for what they believe is likely to be given, but rather, ask for what they desire regardless of expected outcomes. They ask for more, expect more, and as a result get more. Studies support this approach. People who set higher aspiration levels for themselves tend to get more. Similarly, people who anchor expectations higher (or lower as the case may be) are more likely to get better results.

At some point in life, however, that openness to ask for what we want gets conditioned out ofu us. Fear of the word ‘no,’ fear of rejection, fear of perceived failure, and fear of the unknown inhibit our natural childhood tendencies. It’s a shame. Asking for what you want is critical to negotiating success (both personally and professionally).

One of the key reasons adults (and women in particular) don’t get what they want in life is that they don’t ask. Studies suggest that over 60% of men presented with a starting salary offer will ask for more as compared to only 7% of women. Taking those numbers, 40% of men and a staggering 93% of women are not even asking for more.

Are you asking for what you want and deserve?

Sitting back and waiting to be recognized, rewarded, or given what you want is rarely a recipe for success. Expecting others to read your mind and intuit your needs is similarly a bad strategy. It’s a worthwhile exercise to ask yourself what ‘asks’ you’ve been shying away from in daily life. And then make a decision to invoke your inner child to ask for more, expect more, and get more.

Don’t Take No for an Answer

Most adults stop negotiating when they hear the word ‘no.’ They assume it signals the end of the discussion. Some negotiation experts, however, assert that ‘no’ is the start of a negotiation, as without some point of contention there is nothing to negotiate about. Interestingly, most children intuitively subscribe to the latter theory. Hearing the word ‘no’ rarely stops them as is evident in candy or toy stores around the world.

Walking away from a ‘no’ is often a sign of conflict aversion. However, what if you reframed how you thought of conflict? What if instead of contemplating misguided dictionary definitions such as “fight, battle, war, competition, incompatible goals, antagonistic state, clash, disagreement”, etc., you chose instead to view conflict as an opportunity for growth, new ideas and alternatives? That reframe makes it easier to step into an assertive mindset and continue to move past the ‘no’ until the issue has been exhaustively explored for creative win-win solutions.

Consider the ‘When’

Timing is everything. Children know this intuitively. You likely remember a time when you waited until your mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that special something, instinctively trying to stack the odds in your favour. And yet, we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are higher. One key part of the preparation for any negotiation is determining the most strategically advantageous timing for the negotiation.

Consider the ‘Who’

Children seem to have an instinct for knowing who is most likely to grant what they want. Whether it’s Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, a sibling, teacher, or otherwise. They know who to ask, who they want ‘in the room’ and who they can play off each other. They also seem to have intuitively mastered the art of knowing ‘who’ to show up as for a given request i.e., the charmer versus the wounded versus the tantrum-thrower. And they usually build rapport naturally, finding ways to establish connection.

As adults, we could learn much from the children in our lives when it comes to the importance of considering the ‘who.’ Deciding, with intention, who you choose to show up as in a negotiation is critical. And it is a choice. Deciding who ought to be involved (or not) in a negotiation is also key, but sadly too often overlooked. Doing the prep work in advance, to know who is on the other side of the proverbial table will pay big dividends. Skilled negotiators will tailor their approach to ensure the right person gets the right message in the right way.

Think Outside the Box

Flexibility is a critical quality for effective negotiation. Rigid attachment to a particular outcome is one of the deadly sins of negotiation. Children are uninhibited enough to unapologetically bring creativity to the table. This creativity allows for expanded opportunities for better solutions, with better buy-in and better relationships. Do you bring creativity to the table when you negotiate?

Final Thoughts

It may give some solace to remember that negotiating is something inherently instinctual and we’ve been doing it since childhood, when we arguably had little, if any, authority to wield. It’s ironic that the way to move forward to become a better negotiator is to move backward to recall your innate, but forgotten skills.

If you want to be a more effective negotiator you need to master the art of preparation. You likely haven’t thought of preparation as an art. It’s something you probably bear, putting your nose to the grindstone, seeing it as a necessary evil. Or maybe you ignore it altogether. If so, allow me to shift your perspective. There’s power in preparation. It gives leverage and increases your ability to influence and persuade.

Because I believe this is one of the most important elements of negotiation, I’ve dedicated a series to the topic. This series is designed to help you up-level those all-important preparation skills. In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model, the first in my trilogy of winning preparation models you can add to your negotiating toolkit. Part III introduced you to the 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating model. Part IV we tackled the 3^rd model in my Art of Feminine Negotiation™ program, my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Today, join me for the fifth and final part of the series.

In advance of digging in though, allow me to clarify how to best use the models you’ve learned to date. In advance of any negotiation or potentially difficult conversation, simple follow the 3 simple models outlined in this series, in the order in which I shared them. In other words, first go through the No F.E.A.R. model. Identify your fears, how ego may show up for you, areas of potential attachment and possible triggers to reactivity. Do the same exercise as it applies to the other party. Next, go through my 5 W model, fully exploring all aspects of the who, what, where, when and why for your upcoming negotiation and how you can best use each to your advantage. Finally, explore my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Consider how you can be assertive while still building rapport, bring empathy to the table, staying flexible, tapping into your intuition and building trust.   If you follow these simple models as a routine part of your negotiation preparation you will be a better negotiator.

Once you’ve gone through each of the models, take time to consider your best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). You’ll want to know what alternatives are open to you if you can’t reach agreement in your negotiation. By the same token, you’ll want to be sure to consider the other party’s BATNA. If they have a better deal in the wings, it may affect how you show up and how you negotiate. For a fuller discussion on BATNA, check out my article on the subject.

It’s also important to calculate your reservation or resistance point. That’s basically your bottom line, the point at which you’d walk away as the deal no longer makes sense for you (subject, of course, to new information or better opportunities that may come to light during the negotiation). Determining this in advance, allows you to maintain clarity as you bargain and not get carried away and bargain past the point where it makes sense. We’ve all been guilty of that at some point in our lives.

Consider the outcomes that you desire. While most people consider the substantive outcomes they want (i.e. the matter of the negotiation or the ‘thing’ you’re negotiating about), many fail to consider or get clarity on the process outcomes i.e. the ‘how’ or means of the negotiation. Sometimes the ‘how’ of the negotiation can be as important as the ‘what’. And finally, even more people fail to consider the relationship outcomes they desire. Sometimes securing the ‘what’ in a particular negotiation is not worth risking the relationship.

Your success in negotiation largely depends on the quality of your preparation. Don’t panic. These new models are simply additional tools in your toolkit. Like anything, it will take practice. So try it on. Have fun with the models. Apply them in your personal and professional life. The more you practice the easier it will become and the faster you’ll be able to do them. They will become habit.

Hopefully, this series has raised your awareness about the inherent value in preparation. And remember, all of life is a negotiation so you can apply these models to great effect in both your personal and professional life. Following this preparation template will get you better outcomes, better buy-in, better relationships and longer-lasting agreements.

There’s great power in preparation … especially when done with intention. In your negotiations, if you want to be more persuasive, to have greater leverage, influence and confidence with better overall outcomes, then be sure to make preparation a top priority.

This series is dedicated to helping you up-level those all-important preparation skills. In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. Part III introduced you to the 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating model. Today, we’re going to explore my A.R.E. F.I.T. model, the 3^rd in my trilogy of winning preparation models you can add to your negotiating toolkit.

A.R.E. F.I.T.

If you’ve been following this series, by now you’ve already prepared by applying the No F.E.A.R. and 5 W models. Before you enter the negotiation, the icing on the cake to make you more persuasive and influential is to go through the A.R.E. F.I.T. model.

Where did this model come from? It was the impetus for my Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. Like many women, I used to buy into the myth that to be an effective negotiator, I had to get tougher. I over-compensated, bringing masculine, competitive energy to the table. My clients called me the Barracuda. They meant it as a compliment, and I wore it like a badge of honour for many years.

But there’s a high cost that comes with bargaining from that place. It impacts on your professional relationships, then starts to leach into your personal relationships and ultimately impacts on your sense of self.

And so I dug into exploring the elements of negotiation and the key traits that make and mark the most effective negotiators. Ironically, 5 out of 6 of these skills are considered ‘feminine’ traits, or soft skills. And so the Art of Feminine Negotiation was born. [Check out my early post on this issue, Debunking the Myth on Women and the Art of Negotiation.]

I created this simple mnemonic to help you remember the key skills you’ll want to bring to the negotiating table with intention. A.R.E. F.I.T. Just think, you ARE FIT to be a great negotiator.

What are the 6 secret ingredients to launch your negotiating prowess?

A          Assertiveness

R          Rapport-building

E          Empathy

F          Flexibility

I           Intuition

T          Trust

Just consider each of these elements and how you can apply them to the negotiation at hand.

Assertiveness:

Assertive does not mean being tough for the sake of being tough. It doesn’t mean table-pounding, chest-beating, shouting, belittling, attacking or other misguided ideas about power. It means being confident and self-assured, holding the line when required. That confidence comes, in part, from knowledge, which comes from being prepared.

Assertiveness comes from confidence.

Confidence comes from knowledge.

Knowledge comes from preparation. 

 

Rapport-Building:

Rapport-building is all about making (rather than breaking) connection, building (rather than tearing down) bridges. It involves communication skills, seeking to find affinity, common understanding, common ground. Building rapport builds connection and a perceived shared frame of reference. It diffuses potential tension and opens lines of communication.

As a result, this approach leads to increased cooperation, which in turn increases creativity, which results in better negotiated results, with greater buy-in, satisfaction and longevity. The stronger the relationship, the higher the trust and the more likely mutual ground will be found.

So next time, instead of jumping straight to business, consider how you might build rapport with the other party.

Empathy:

Empathy involves the capacity to understand another’s feelings from their frame of reference, to show compassion, sympathy, concern, and consideration. Truly understanding the other party’s perspective and motivation is a powerful tool in any negotiation.

Imagine the strategic power that comes from anticipating the other party’s needs and desires, to see where your counterpart is coming from and to understand their emotions even (or especially) when you don’t agree. It allows you to better frame your positions with a tailored view to addressing or avoiding both positive and negative potential triggers, to determine where to best give or take, when to push or pull back, and how to present to increase your odds of getting what you want and need.

Put yourself in the shoes of the other party before sitting down at the table with them, and consider how it might give you a better perspective on how to connect and achieve better results for all.

Flexibility:

The ability to be flexible – able to change, pivot or bend as necessary – is important to both the process and outcome of any given negotiation.

Process flexibility is the ability to shift styles or approaches as needed to get what you want out of the negotiation. Outcome flexibility is more end-result/solution focused. i.e., the ‘what’ of the negotiations. Effective negotiators will be able to find different and creative ways to meet their interests. Negotiators who come to the table with tunnel vision re outcomes, lose out on valuable opportunities to find more creative (and better) solutions than anticipated.

Intuition:

The ability to rely on strong instinct, to pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues and to read your counterpart in negotiations is valuable. These cues include non-verbal factors like eye contact, body language, tone of voice, pace, and verbal factors like use of humour or other tactics to build connection.

In our fast-paced world, decisions often need to be made quickly. Negotiations are no exception. There may be little time for full deliberation and judgments may need to be made with incomplete information. Intuition is key in these cases. Our unconscious thought process is less restrictive than our deliberate thought processes. That’s not to say that intuition should be substituted in place of preparation but ignoring the role (and value) of intuition is a mistake.

Trust:

Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. Trust gets better long-term outcomes, relationships, and buy-in. Yet we typically don’t include intentional trust-building as an element of our preparation work for negotiations. That failure adversely impacts your ability to influence and persuade.

As part of your preparation process, consider what steps you can take to build trust with the other party.

Applying this simple A.R.E. F.I.T. model, especially in conjunction with the models outlined in Parts II & III, will make you a better negotiator. It will allow you to secure better, more creative outcomes.

Stay tuned next week for our final instalment in the Preparation series!

Preparation is power in a negotiation. It can tip the scales to give you more leverage, more influence, and more confidence, with corresponding better outcomes. It’s the most important and most overlooked element of negotiating. That’s why this series is dedicated to helping you up-level your preparation skills – so you can get more of what you want and deserve in your negotiations.

In Part I we explored the perils of failing to properly prepare. In Part II we uncovered the first of the magical trilogy of models to boost your negotiating effectiveness: my signature No F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. This week, allow me to introduce you to the 2^nd simple preparation model you can add to your arsenal to increase your persuasiveness: 5 W’s to Effective Negotiating.

5 W’s to Effective Negotiating

 

We’re taught to implement the 5 W’s in investigative endeavours, yet most people don’t invoke those 5 little words – who, what, where, when & why – in their negotiations. That’s a mistake. Those who consider the 5 W’s with intention set themselves apart and get better results. In fact, I consider the 5 W’s your 5 secret weapons in negotiation. That’s why I advocate adopting my 5W model as an essential element of your negotiation preparation process.

Let’s dig in!

WHO

There are several key ‘who’ questions I invite you to consider in advance of any negotiation.

Who are you? If your negotiation is professional, what’s your position, title and authority? Is there a hierarchy at play and if so, how will that impact on the negotiation?  If your negotiation is personal, are you coming into the negotiation as a mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend or neutral? Sometimes showing up in a particular mode can sabotage our ability to get best outcomes. Consider what role you want to negotiate from to maximize your effectiveness. Be deliberate in making this decision.

Who will the other party see you as? Will they see as someone to take seriously or someone to fluff off? If someone is likely to underestimate you, use that to your advantage.

Who do you want to show up as? Remember this is a choice. Will you show up with compassion, integrity, presence, vulnerability, and generosity? Or does this exchange require you to show up confident, controlled and compelling? Making this decision consciously, in your personal and professional life can profoundly improve your relationships and interactions.

Who are you negotiating with? Who is the other party likely to show up as? Do you anticipate they’ll show up with bravado or play the victim card? Prepare for all possible versions.

Who should you be negotiating with? Does the person have the requisite authority to make the deal? Who would be beneficial to have at the table? Who do you want to keep away from the table?

Who will be impacted? Consider the ripple effects of your negotiations (both short-term and long-term).

WHAT

What you negotiate about is typically at the forefront of your mind, but your sense of the ‘what’ is likely shallow and doesn’t fully serve you. I invite you to go deeper.

In addition to the usual ‘what’ suspects:

• What do I want
• What’s my priority
• What can I offer
• What should I offer
• What’s my bottom line

let yourself consider some other ‘what’ elements, like:

• what leverage can I bring to bear
• what strategy should I adopt
• what can I say or do to be more persuasive
• what unresolved personal baggage or bias do I bring to the table

Be sure to consider these vis-à-vis the other party, including what their true motivation is on any given point. Bringing that level of insight can influence negotiated outcomes.

During the negotiation, keep considering deeper-layered ‘what’ questions.

• What are they saying (their words) vs what they’re really saying (their meaning)
• What do their non-verbal cues tell me
• What messages am I sending through my tone, body language, facial expressions
• What other interpretations could be read into my words
• What seems to be landing well vs causing resistance

WHERE 

Setting is important. Setting can ground us or unsettle us, envelop us or push us away, warm or cool us. Use it with intention as another tool in your negotiating toolkit.

You may not always be able to control where your negotiations take place. But if you start actively contemplating where, as a key factor to plan, you will increase your influence.

WHEN

You’ve no doubt heard it said that timing is everything. Yet most people don’t factor timing in their negotiations. As kids we knew it intuitively and yet we forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are likely higher.

Part of your preparation ought to actively consider the most strategically advantageous timing for your negotiation. This includes time of year, month, day; circumstances; your mood (and the other party’s); etc.

Another aspect of timing in negotiations is how much time you allot for the negotiations. Some negotiations shouldn’t be rushed, and sometimes urgency is your friend. Be cautious if the other party is pressuring you with artificial time constraints. The trick is to be intentional.

WHY

And so we come to the last of our quintessential W’s.

Knowing yourself is one of the first steps to prepare for negotiation. A critical component of knowing yourself is knowing your why. Tap into your motivation. Attaching emotion to negotiations will boost your energy, commitment and resolution. To clarify, I’m not saying to be emotional. I’m saying to mine and draw on the emotional underpinning that really drives you. Let it inspire and propel you to be more persuasive and influential.

For example, a negotiation that seems to be about money is almost never just about the money. It’s about what that money represents to each party.

After considering your own why, turn your attention to the other party’s. Knowing yourself and your own motivation is only half the equation. It’s critical to also consider the motivation of the other side. What drives them? What are their big whys? Think of the other party as an iceberg. What you see and what they present is only the tip. Ninety percent lurks under the surface – those all-important hidden or unstated needs.

This 5W model will be a game-changer if adopted consistently as part of your negotiation preparation process. Most people don’t apply these factors with intention. When you do, you already set yourself apart from the pack and elevate your status as a successful negotiator.

Be sure to make the time to consider the who, what, where, when & why of your next negotiation if you want to get better outcomes, better buy-in, and better relationships.

If you want to explore this model in more depth, grab a copy of my FREE ebook, 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiating

To uncover the final piece of our trilogy of powerful preparation models, stay tuned next week where we’ll explore the foundational A.R.E. F.I.T. model.

Preparation is the secret sauce that gives you maximum leverage in a negotiation. Yet, it’s often overlooked … or at least not done rigorously or effectively. Most people are so focused on what they want, they don’t spend time on how to best achieve it. That’s a mistake. Preparation gives you power in a negotiation. This series is dedicated to examining the perils of failing to properly prepare and demonstrating how to improve your preparation to get maximum results.

In Part I we explored why preparation is important and the pitfalls of ignoring the process. This week we’ll uncover the first of three simple preparation models you can use to boost your effectiveness in the art of influence and persuasion.

With my high-end Mastermind clients, I advocate adopting a trilogy of simple models as an essential part of the preparation process for all your negotiations (both personal and professional).

No F.E.A.R. Negotiating

First, start with my signature NO F.E.A.R. Negotiating model. It’s a great tool to undertake at the outset so you can strip away dangerous traps that can get in the way of your ability to show up as the best version of yourself. This simple acronym can change how you approach bargaining, so you get better results.

When you approach your negotiations without Fear, Ego, Attachment, or Reactivity (F.E.A.R), you’ll have more control, ease, clarity, confidence and perspective – all of which will help you keep your eye on the outcome to increase your chances of getting what you want, or more.

Fear

First, consider what fears you may bring to the table. When you approach negotiations with fear, you undermine your effectiveness (both internally and externally) before you even get a chance to convey your message.

Some of the most popular fear factors to consider include: fear of failure, success, losing, missing out, the unknown, being judged, and fear of ‘No’. Identifying the fears that may raise their ugly heads is usually half the battle in diluting their power. Letting go of your fear or using it to fuel you will increase your clarity and confidence and with it, your persuasiveness and results.

When you’ve explored the possible fears that may hinder your effectiveness, be sure to consider the fears that may drive the other party. Considering this in advance will equip you to address those fears if they arise. This is a significant advantage and sadly often overlooked part of the preparation process.

Ego

Next, consider how ego is likely to show up for you in the negotiation. Ego can be the kiss of death in negotiations. If you let ego drive you, you lose control of the negotiation.  You’ll be easier to manipulate, less able to assess information accurately and your perspective will be skewed. You’ll be less likely to recognize opportunities that may arise or alternatives that could lead to better outcomes.

Ego can show up in a number of ways. Here’s a few of the most obvious: need to win, need to look good, inability to admit you don’t know, talking too much, wanting to be liked. Do any of these resonate with you? I know I’ve been guilty of a few in my day.

When you consider your ego tells in advance, you can get more intentional about keeping the focus on the other party and their needs. This will lead to better results. I’ve seen many a deal tank because ego stepped in and common sense exited the building.

As always, once you’ve identified how ego could detract from your effectiveness, turn your attention to how ego is likely to show up for the other party. Considering this in advance will allow you to prepare for how to best deal with it and turn it to your advantage.

Attachment

Once you have a handle on your potential fear and ego triggers, turn your attention to any attachment issues that may surface and interfere with your negotiation.  Presumably you’re going into the negotiation because you have an objective you’d like to achieve. Be careful not to become so attached to the outcome that you lose perspective.

Sometimes we get so attached to the idea of getting the deal that we continue to bargain and/or accept settlements that don’t serve us.

Be prepared to walk away from a deal if the outcome doesn’t really work for you. Trust that another deal is waiting for you around the corner. The hallmark of a great negotiator is knowing when to walk away. The beauty is that you don’t stomp away in anger or angst, but rather, because you weren’t too attached to the outcome. This is a powerful place from which to bargain.

Having said that, as per my A.R.E. F.I.T. model (to be discussed in Part IV), being flexible is a great asset in bargaining. Not being too attached to a particular outcome doesn’t necessarily mean walking away. It can also mean being open to other alternatives. Effective negotiation is about winning better where possible, getting creative and cooperating to look for better results.

Reactivity

Whether you’re a reactive personality generally, or subject to specific triggers, I invite you to be willing to do the inner work necessary to manage sensitivities that inhibit your effectiveness as a negotiator. Your success as a negotiator depends, in part, on your ability to remain centered, calm, collected and compelling. If it’s easy to push your buttons, you’ll lose control and be easy to manipulate. By contrast, if you’re able to maintain your equilibrium, you’ll be more persuasive and powerful.

Some people will try to poke and provoke in bargaining. Imagine the power shift when you’re able to remain unaffected by these tactics. When you don’t ‘blow’, you deprive the other party of the wind in their sails they need to get traction. Without your ‘steam’ to fuel them, they’ll sputter and stall.

You may also face unintended provocations, where someone inadvertently hits on one of your triggers. Think of the advantage of not reacting from a place of hurt, anger, or frustration, but instead getting curious from a place of objectivity. Then, you can make decisions from a place of certainty, with a view to achieving your desired outcome.

As always, also consider the possible triggers of the other party so you can be sure to avoid unnecessary reactivity that could tank a potentially beneficial deal.

This No F.E.A.R. model is the first leg of our foundational triad. If you incorporate this simple model as a regular part of your negotiation preparation process, you will dramatically increase your influence and persuasive abilities.

If you want to explore this model in more depth, grab a copy of my FREE ebook, No F.E.A.R. Negotiating.

To increase that power exponentially, stay tuned next week where we’ll uncover 5 Secret Weapons to more effective negotiating.

Welcome to the final instalment in our series on Survival Tips to Negotiate the Holiday Season! Holidays can be a challenging time for many. There is pressure from all sides to be ever joyful while many struggle with money worries, time stressors, and navigating difficult family dynamics. Our realities rarely measure up against the Hallmark version of life this time of year. The good news is that you can take control of your holiday experience with simple negotiation practices.

In Part I we turned our attention to your first and most important negotiation: Negotiating Your Mindset. In Part II we turned our attention to Negotiating Your Environment. In this final piece of the puzzle we’ll tackle Negotiating Family Dynamics, the #1 source of stress and Achilles heel for many.

Part III NEGOTIATING FAMILY DYNAMICS

Families are typically one of our greatest sources of negative triggers. There is so much history and unresolved baggage, we can revert to old patterns that don’t serve us. Even in advance of the encounters, we often waste valuable time and emotional energy worrying about these expected unpleasant exchanges.

Added to that, we are living in polarizing times and there is a seemingly limitless list of potentially sensitive topics to navigate. It can feel like a minefield.

Part of the solution to this issue lies in negotiating your mindset (see Part I – particularly choosing how you want to show up and how you choose to react). Part of the solution lies in negotiating your environment (see Part II – particularly managing travel and choosing who you want to spend time with). And part of the solution lies in negotiating these interactions with intention.

Recognize That You’re in a Negotiation

The first step is to recognize that you’re in a negotiation. All of life is a negotiation, whether it’s with yourself, your kids, your intimate partner or crusty Uncle Harold. We often fail to see these personal relationships as requiring negotiations. That failure will be to your detriment.

Up-Level Your Negotiation Skills

Adopt simple models to elevate your negotiation skills so you can show up as the best version of yourself and increase your chances of getting better outcomes for all.

1. No F.E.A.R. Model

One such model is my No F.E.A.R. model. In advance of a family get together or approaching an anticipated difficult conversation or exchange with family, consider your Fears, Ego, Attachment & Reactivity.

• Fears (what they are and how they may show up and interfere with best outcomes);
• Ego (how does ego show up for you and how can you avoid it to come from a place of empathy);
• Attachment (what things you’re likely to be attached to and how you might be more flexible and open to understanding the other person’s perspectives and needs);
• Reactivity (what triggers cause you to become reactive and how can you prepare to avoid or neutralize reactivity).

Do the same exercise vis-à-vis the other person (i.e. what are their likely fears, etc). We often approach family members with built-in old assumptions based on our history with them and forget to check in to consider their perspective.

Here’s a link to grab a free copy of my No F.E.A.R. Negotiating eBook if you want to take a deeper dive on this issue.

1. 5W Model

Another simple model is my 5W’s system. In advance of an interaction (i.e. negotiation) with a family member, consider Who, What, Where, When & Why with intention.

Who:

Who do you want to show up as? Who is the other person likely to show up as? Who are they expecting you to show up as? Who should be involved in the discussion and who should be excluded if possible?

What:

What outcomes do you seek (both in terms of substance and relationship)? What strategies will best serve to secure those outcomes? What questions can you ask to get better buy-in?

Where:

Decide where the discussion ought to take place. Setting is important (in novels and in life). Consider your setting with intention. What environment will best serve to get better outcomes?

When:

Consider the timing of your interaction with intention. As kids we intuitively knew to use timing to our advantage, but as adults, when the stakes are arguably much higher, we often forget this important factor.

Why:

Consider both your deeper why and the why that is likely driving the other person. Stated needs are typically the tip of the iceberg. It’s the deeper why that lies under the surface that will move the dial to better results. Knowing your deep why allows you to bring emotional resonance to a negotiation without being emotional.

Here’s a link to grab a free copy of my 5 Secret Weapons to Effective Negotiation eBook if you’re ready to dive deeper into this powerful model.

1. A.R.E. F.I.T. Model

In every negotiation, be sure to invoke what I call the A.R.E. F.I.T. model. It’s a powerful negotiation tool generally, and especially when dealing with family.

Invoke the six key skills of effective negotiators in each negotiation:

A  Assertiveness

Assertive does not mean aggressive. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. Prepare for your negotiations with your family as you would for a high stakes business deal.

R  Rapport-building

Don’t just dive in to the ‘business’ at hand. Consider with intention how you can build rapport at the outset of the negotiation/interaction. Building connection leads to better outcomes. We often ignore this important step when dealing with family, assuming that our history makes it irrelevant. It is arguably even more important in navigating the dangerous waters of family dynamics. Ignore it at your peril.

E  Empathy

Bring empathy to the table. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Try to truly understand their position and needs. You don’t have to agree, but it’s important to understand. With family, we often assume we already know what they’re thinking and what they want. Let go of those assumptions. Listen. Reflect back what they say. Ask questions. Let them feel seen, heard and understood. It will pay off.

F  Flexibility

Be open to creative outcomes other than what you had in mind. There may be even better solutions or options than you had anticipated.

I  Intuition

Trust your intuition. If your inner voice is screaming that you ought to avoid saying what you were thinking of saying, perhaps you ought to listen.

T  Trust

Building trust is the foundation of any relationship and is key to getting better negotiated outcomes. Be intentional about ways in which you can build trust. Again, we often fail to do this with family, assuming that trust is automatically there. This is a mistake. Old unresolved family wounds often require even more attention and effort to re-establish trust.

Ask for What You Want

Don’t assume that those who care about you should magically intuit what you want. Ask for what you want. Be clear. If this is new for you, I invite you to practice the skill. Make a point of finding 5 things/day to ask for. Get into the habit. It’s not reasonable to get angry, hurt or resentful about not getting what you want if you haven’t given those around you clarity about what that is.

Likewise, don’t assume you know what others in your life want or feel. Don’t be afraid to get curious and ask powerful questions. It will allow for more productive negotiations and outcomes.

Reframe Success

We are often conditioned to see negotiations as a win/lose proposition. This belief is based on outdated, traditional, competitive models that do not serve you. Instead, I invite you to see negotiation as a collaborative process, where we’re seeking to understand and meet each other’s needs, remaining open to unexpected creative solutions beyond our individual focus. Look for genuine win/win solutions for all. You may be surprised at the gifts that surface.

Last Words

These simple tips can make a world of difference in how you experience and enjoy the holidays. Hope you found some value in them. Set your intentions and live into a more joyful, engaged holiday season.

Welcome to Part II of our series on Negotiating Your Survival of the Holiday Season!

It’s important to pay attention to how you navigate the holidays as they can be a time of great stress for many. This is particularly so given the pressure to live into a Hallmark movie version of life. We expect perpetual joy and perfection. We can feel like we’re failing when other emotions creep in and things don’t go as planned. Simple strategies can help you survive and thrive during the hectic holiday season if you negotiate your experience with intention.

Last week we tackled your first and most important negotiation starting point: Negotiating Your Mindset. We shared how to choose how you show up and choose your reactions, the power of setting intentions, and recognizing the gift of gratitude. Be sure to check it out if you missed it!

Today, we’re going to talk about ways you can negotiate your environment to improve your holiday experience.

Part II:NEGOTIATING YOUR ENVIRONMENT

Get Active

Make time to exercise, even if it’s a brief walk. It’s easy over the holidays to neglect this habit. There are lots of excuses to justify opting out … whether it’s no time, too much on the plate, vegging out to de-stress, too much company, or some other flavour of avoidance.

You’ll note I said make time to exercise. One quick mindset shift to remember during the holidays is that we don’t magically find time. It’s not buried treasure. It’s available. It’s a matter of choice. It’s incumbent on us to make time for our priorities. This is always true, and especially so during the holiday season when we tend to feel time pressures more keenly.

I invite you to set aside some time, even if it’s just 15 minutes/day to get some exercise. It will energize you and make you more productive and engaged, thereby ironically freeing up more time.

Embrace the Magical Elixir of the Great Outdoors

Get some fresh air. Ideally, you can tie your exercise above to this tip by walking outside. It can be tempting to stay indoors, whether snuggled up with a hot chocolate or tending to the myriad of chores we set for ourselves. By all means, snuggle up with a hot chocolate (heck, you can even add a shot of Baileys) and also set aside a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air. Make this a priority over some of the chores and to do’s that likely aren’t real priorities in any event.

Fresh air gives you a fresh perspective. I won’t bore you with the science but suffice it to say there are physical and emotional benefits from stepping out each day. Clear your head, fill your lungs, and increase your energy while uplifting your mood and resilience.

Food as Fuel

Watch your diet. I’m not saying go on a diet. I’m not completely delusional. I’m just saying be intentional about your diet. By all means, indulge during the holiday season. Just do so in moderation. Do so by choice. Plan (or at least manage) your indulgences.

In my experience, when you’re intentional about allowing yourself a set amount of self-gratification and excess, you’re more likely to stay on track in the big picture (versus trying to deny yourself altogether where you’re more likely to fall off the wagon longer term). This simple practice can reduce brain fog and useless self-flagellation while increasing energy, productivity, and engagement.

Sweet Dreams

Get sleep and be present. It can seem challenging with holiday parties, finalizing ‘must-do’ work assignments before the holiday break, gift-buying and get-togethers. I remember the days when we were up half the night stuffing stockings, setting up Santa gifts and wrapping the too-many last-minute gifts I’d grabbed off the shelves as I doubted whether I’d gotten ‘enough’ (whatever that is). My eyes felt like sandpaper and my cotton-batten stuffed head (at least that’s what it felt like) found it hard to be fully joyful Christmas morning as the kids invariably charged upstairs at the crack of dawn chirping “Can we start now? Can we? Can we start?”

I invite you to consider buying less stuff and instead enjoying more experiential gifts. Either way, plan so you’re not scrambling at the last minute. Make a point of getting enough sleep leading up to and through the holidays so that you can greet each day being fully present.

For those of you who do a Christmas tree, are you growing tired of the mad Christmas morning unwrapping frenzy, as hours’ worth of careful wrapping gets shredded and strewn within minutes and the ordeal is over so quickly there’s barely a moment to appreciate it? If so, here’s an option to consider. When the kids were young, we switched to a new tradition where we took all day to ‘open the tree’. We would open the stockings, then break for hot chocolate and cinnamon buns. Then we’d open a few gifts, and break for French toast breakfast. Then we’d open some more gifts until a game or movie or some other item caught our attention and we’d play or watch together. In that way, we enjoyed our time together. We enjoyed the experience. We enjoyed our gifts more. You can substitute healthier food choices than ours, but you get the idea.

Managing Travel

In this increasingly complicated world and changing family models, it can seem like we spend much of our holiday time on the road or in the air, travelling. There are often various ‘branches’ of the family that we feel compelled to visit, each in turn. Added to that are work and personal get-togethers throughout the season.

I invite you to consider, with intention, which of these visits feel like an obligation versus which fill you with joy (or at least some measure of enjoyment). Negotiate where and how you choose to spend your time. Learn the power of a positive ‘No’ so you can take back control of your precious resource … your time. Remember that every time you say yes to a commitment, you’re saying no to something else – likely one of your own priorities.

Money Madness

Manage your spending with intention. In a world where we’re inundated with marketing from all sides, and where the message is always that we need more, it’s easy to fall into the trap of empty over-spending. This causes high stress levels as we push outside our limits and carry debt that negatively impacts us through the holidays and well beyond.

Consider instead, sharing experiences with the people you love. As trite as it may seem, it serves us all to remember that the things we buy will disappear but the memories we create will last a lifetime.

Manage Your Space

Holidays can be a great time to de-clutter. An uncluttered space can help unclutter your mind and give you the space to show up with more grace. Set aside an afternoon to purge your closets and household ‘junk’. We all have some. It’s a task most dread. Yet your reality is determined by your thoughts and the meaning you attach to them. What if you chose to embrace this as a fun new holiday tradition? Grab an eggnog, crank the tunes and dig in!

I happen to love decorating the house to the nines at holiday time. It lifts my spirits. I used to love the end product but stressed about the process – it felt like too much time that I didn’t have. So, I changed my mindset. Embraced the joy in the decorating itself i.e., enjoyed the journey. If you love the end product but know it’s too big a stretch for you to embrace the process, consider delegating – enlist help or even hire a student to do it for you on the cheap. If you don’t think it’s worth the effort for you, I invite you to at least put up a simple single row of lights (over a window or cupboard). The change in ambiance from that simple step can be a powerful mood-enhancer.

Hope at least a few of these tips resonate with you and set you on the path to a more joyful holiday experience. Be sure to check out next week’s article for our final Part III of the series. We’ll be tackling how to Negotiate Family Dynamics (an Achilles heel for many). And be sure to share this series with anyone in your life who could benefit from a survival toolkit on how to negotiate the holiday season.