Author: Cindy Watson

If all of life is a negotiation, why are we taught so little about it? And of the little we’re taught, why is so much of it based on myths? These are important questions as the myths we buy into can hold us back from becoming our most powerful negotiator. They stop us from getting the better outcomes, buy-in, and relationships we deserve.

Let’s explore the top 10 myths, consider why they’re so dangerous and debunk them so you can step up to negotiate a better life for yourself.

Myth #1: Personal Relationships Are Not Negotiations

How we’ve been conditioned to see negotiations is a good starting point in examining myths that hold us back. When you hear the word ‘negotiation’ I’d wager you first picture a boardroom full of suits. We recognize business dealings as negotiations but not our personal dealings. This misconception stops you from bringing the necessary level of intention to your interactions.

Recognizing that all of life is a negotiation – whether it’s with your kids, intimate partner, co-workers, service providers or business tycoons – is the first step on the path to negotiating better relationships and outcomes.

Myth #2: Negotiation Is a Competition

We’ve also been conditioned to see negotiation as a competition, with winners and losers. This is one of the reasons so many people resist seeing negotiation as a skill to use in personal relationships. This zero-sum approach to negotiations leaves little room for creative solutions that meet the highest good of all. Instead, when you take a collaborative approach, truly seeking to understand and meet the needs of the other party, you’ll elevate your influence and persuasive abilities to get even better outcomes than anticipated.

Myth #3: Toughness Carries the Day

Tied to myth #2 is the belief that toughness carries the day in negotiations, that the person talking the longest and loudest is ‘winning’. In fact, the opposite is true. Successful negotiators are effective listeners who bring empathy to the table. The more you understand about the other party’s needs, the better deals you’ll be able to broker.

Myth #4: Women Aren’t Good Negotiators

The misconceptions set out above lead to the mistaken belief that women aren’t effective negotiators. Many women shy away from negotiating their best lives because they buy into the myth that negotiations are about toughness and competition.

Interestingly, 5 out of 6 of the key skillsets that make and mark effective negotiators are traits considered by most to be ‘feminine’ or soft skills. My A.R.E. F.I.T. model is based on elevating our appreciation and intentional adoption of these skills. Assertiveness, Rapport-building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition and Trust are the top 6 skills most often identified as essential to superior negotiation. Studies suggest that aside from assertiveness, the other 5 skills are considered ‘feminine’ traits by most. Yet, ironically, we still cling to the misguided belief that women are likely to be less effective.

Myth #5: Nice people finish last in negotiations 

The same misconceptions that lead people to believe women aren’t effective negotiators are also responsible for the mistaken belief that nice people finish last in negotiations. When we see negotiations as win-lose propositions where it’s all about the bark and bite, it’s no wonder you might buy into the myth. Added to that, ‘nice’ has gotten a bad rap in recent years and is under-valued.

To all the nice people out there, be glad in the knowledge that you may well be better equipped as a negotiator because bringing empathy, true trustworthiness and rapport-building to the table will elevate your outcomes.

Myth #6: You either have the natural ability as a negotiator or you don’t 

Many people believe that negotiation skills are fixed traits – you either have them or you don’t. They believe negotiation prowess is innate – some are born with it, others not. This mindset inhibits people from stepping up to try out their negotiation chops. That’s a shame because the belief is based on a myth.

Negotiation is a learned skill. It takes practice. Making a point of learning more about the art of negotiation and applying those skills with intention will improve your abilities as a negotiator and result in better solutions and outcomes. Every new building block will set a stronger foundation upon which to grow.

Myth #7: Negotiations are like poker –  hold your cards close to your chest

As is no doubt becoming clear, the myth that negotiation is a win-lose competition spawns many more destructive myths. One such spin-off is the idea that negotiations are like poker and you need to hold your cards close to your chest. In my experience this is typically counter-productive. It’s challenging if not impossible to come to real, meaningful resolutions that represent the highest good for all if everyone is busy protecting and refusing to share their actual desired outcomes.

It’s only through sharing your real needs and discussing those of the other party that opportunities arise to find creative solutions to meet those needs – often in unexpected ways. A guarded, defensive posture in negotiations triggers a similar response in kind. This is rarely, if ever, a strong place from which to bargain for best outcomes.

Myth #8: Never make the first move

Another spin-off myth from the competition model is that you should never make the first move in a negotiation and/or that concessions are a sign of weakness. I’d like to debunk both these myths. There are many potential advantages to making the first move.

Anchoring your expectations at the outset can be a strong move in a negotiation. Set high aspiration levels and anchor expectations by sharing them early. You can set the tone for the negotiation and set the discussion on track from the outset.

Likewise, planning for and making the first concession can set a collaborative tone and trigger reciprocity. It’s always been my belief that people afraid to do so lack confidence in the strength of their position and/or negotiating abilities.

Myth #9: Emotion has no place in negotiations 

You’ve no doubt been told that emotion has no place in negotiations. It’s often one of the unfounded criticisms levied against women – that they’re too emotional to be good negotiators. There is a difference though between being emotional and bringing emotion to the table. In other words, while you don’t want to be emotionally reactive and lose the clarity required to move towards desired outcomes, bringing the emotional resonance of your deep ‘why’ can be a powerful motivator in a negotiation.

At the very least, understanding emotion and how it shows up – for you and the other party – is a significant advantage in any negotiation.

Myth #10: If both sides go away unhappy it’s been a successful negotiation

This myth is a particular pet peeve of mine. I’ve often heard even experienced mediators suggest they know they’ve done their job if both sides go away unhappy. I come down with a resounding ‘NO’ on that theory. Splitting the difference as a go-to remedy is a similar pet peeve. Successful negotiators seek the highest and best results for all. It shouldn’t be about everyone giving up items of importance. It should be about finding how to get even better results than everyone expected coming to the table.

Hopefully this article has given you some insights on how to bust through negotiation myths that hampered your ability to get your best outcomes. By raising your awareness about stories you’ve been telling yourself about negotiations, you’re halfway to elevating your ability to persuade and influence.

We’re all biased and we carry these biases (whether conscious or not) into all our interactions. These biases can sabotage your ability to get better outcomes in negotiating your life. They interfere with your perspective-taking ability and cloud your judgment. It’s important to elevate your awareness about the inherent biases you bring to the table so you can negotiate with greater clarity and increase your influence and persuasive abilities. Last week we explored the range of Personal Biases. Now let’s turn to other types of bias that are likely showing up in your life.

Information Bias

How we receive information can impact our perception and beliefs. Two primary information biases that show up are (i) Information Presentation Bias and (ii) Information Availability Bias. You can use these biases to your advantage. Beware, however, that you are not falling victim to the power of these information biases being used against you.

            Information Presentation

How information is presented to us can profoundly impact on our receptivity to the information. The advertising industry is a multi-billion-dollar industry for this reason. How we see things affects our actions (from decisions, to purchasing power, to voting and beyond). This is why large organizations or governments trying to push through a particular agenda will use fancy, glossy, high-end materials with specific language triggers etc. Be careful to ensure that your decisions are based on actual meaningful content as opposed to slick presentation tactics.

Having said that, at the other end, it will serve you to get intentional about how you’re presenting information to the other party in your negotiations. Consider whether someone is a visual, auditory or kinesthetic learner and cater to their style(s) in presenting information that you want to ensure they consider.

            Information Availability

Likewise, beware that you are getting access to all relevant information in any negotiation. It is easy to skew perceptions through strategic use of statistical or other data presented. What is omitted is often as (or more) important than what is presented. Consider and question the availability of all potentially significant information before making decisions. Pay attention to what the other party is making available and what may be conspicuously absent.

Tied to information availability is Misinformation. Some negotiators will disseminate misinformation to skew the balance in their favour. In my view, this is never appropriate. Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. Breaking that trust can be irreparable. It is easier to lose trust than to build it. Ultimately our integrity needs to be our trademark. Using misinformation is out of alignment with bargaining in integrity.

Anchoring

Anchoring is when we set the expectations for a particular negotiation by starting with a strong position at the extreme edge of the range of possibility. If we’re a purchaser, for example, it serves to anchor the negotiation with a low starting price to lower the other party’s expectations about what is reasonable or achievable. If we’re the vendor, we’d want to anchor high out of the gate if possible. While it seems inauthentic to proceed in this way, studies continue to affirm that anchoring can change the other party’s beliefs about the nature of an appropriate agreement and so is effective in many negotiations.

Fixed-pie Bias

While some consider this to be a belief system rather than a bias, to some extent our beliefs are our biases. Our predisposed views of the world affect our perceptions and perspectives and so become biases that impact our negotiations. Many people suffer from fixed-pie bias. They see the world and each negotiation as a fixed pie of availability where they need to ensure they get their fair ‘slice of the pie’. This is to be contrasted with an abundance perspective where one believes there are potentially infinite possibilities available as solutions to any issue and seek to find the highest good for all.

Framing bias

How something is framed can significantly impact on how it is received. Being mindful of your framing can increase your ability to influence and persuade. For example, framing something as a win versus loss will invariably be better received. If someone is earning $100,000 and sought an increase to $150,000, framing a $120,000 counter-offer as an increase of $20,000 will be better received than presenting it as $30,000 less than they’d asked for. The power of framing should not be under-estimated.

Sunk Cost bias (aka Irrational Escalation of Commitment)

When we’ve sunk money into a particular project, person, investment, etc., studies show that we’re less likely to walk away, but instead are more likely to continue to throw more money on the table as we don’t want to see the money spent to date as a loss. The same holds true with sunk time costs. The more time we’ve invested, the less likely we are to walk away. This can cause us to bargain long after it makes sense to do so. Raising your awareness about this bias and its potentially dangerous impact can be a powerful game-changer.

Loss Aversion Bias (aka Prospect theory)

For the same reasons that we don’t like to acknowledge our lost investments (noted above under ‘Sunk Cost Bias’), studies show that we tend to have higher aversion to losses. In other words, we fear loss and avoid losses more than we try to make profits. For example, most people would rather avoid losing $2,000 than potentially making $3,000. As a result, how we frame offers can create a bias (either pro or con) depending on whether it’s framed as a loss avoidance or gain.

Halo & Horn effect

 

Let’s face it … we tend to make snap judgments in our society. Beware though that these first impressions on meeting someone can have dangerous side-effects. The halo effect is when a positive first impression of someone leads us to view them more favourably and cast their entire character in a more favourable light, ignoring or discounting negative attributes. By contrast, the horn effect is when a negative first impression causes us to view them more negatively, failing to see the positive attributes. This bias is particularly problematic in a society where we over-value ‘attractive’ people and ascribe competence and other success traits to them that may not be warranted and conversely we under-value so-called ‘unattractive’ people and their skills and potential contributions.

Narrative Fallacy

 

We naturally like stories. Humans have a long history of storytelling. As a result, we find them easier to relate to and make sense of. Pay attention though to getting sucked in to less desirable outcomes simply because they came packaged with a better story. At the other end, however, it’s valuable to remember that presenting your position with a good story will get better buy-in.

 

Hindsight Bias

Hindsight bias is the tendency to look back on events and believe we accurately predicted (or could have predicted) the outcome. This sounds innocuous, but the danger lies in our corresponding belief that our judgement is better than it is. As a result, we’re less critical of our decisions going forward, which can cause poor decision-making.

Contrast Effect

 

When presented with contrasting options, most people will be inclined to choose the more attractive offer. In other words, rather than simply offering $30,000 in a deal, if presented as either $30K now of $10K/year spread over 3 years, the lump sum will likely seem more attractive than it would have on its own. Presenting a contrast offer that makes your desired outcome look more attractive can create a powerful bias in your favour.

False Conflict (aka Illusory conflict)

False conflict arises where one perceives a conflict that doesn’t actually exist. If we expect or anticipate a conflict or push-back, it can skew our perception so we believe we’re in a conflict situation, when we’re not. This will adversely impact how we show up and our ability to achieve positive outcomes.

Winners’ Curse

Winners’ curse rears its head when we settle quickly and feel uncomfortable because it seemed to come too easily. We don’t trust easy and have been conditioned to believe good things have to be hard-earned. Ironically, we end up feeling disappointed and resentful about great deals sometimes if our perception is that it came too easily.

Reactive Devaluation

Similar to Winner’s curse, Reactive Devaluation is when we devalue concessions given by other party simply because they were given.

Herd Mentality

Not to be confused with herd immunity, Herd Mentality is when we blindly copy what others are doing. This shows up with desires to follow famous people. It also shows up when people are drawn to follow perceived popular opinion rather than making informed individual choices. These biases can have a strong pull and can skew independent judgment and clarity of thought.

 

And so we come to the end of our review of popular or common biases that may be holding you back from your best outcomes. Did you identify your bias poisons? If so, congratulations! You’re well on your way to overcoming their adverse impact in your negotiations.

Do you consider yourself to be a biased person?

If you answered ‘no’, you’d be mistaken. We all carry biases – some conscious, many not. You bring these biases to everything you do in life. And so, they affect most human interactions. As all of life is a negotiation, it’s important to be aware of them. Otherwise, you’ll drag your biases into every negotiation, sabotaging your chances of best outcomes.

Before you enter any negotiation, it’s prudent to consider both your biases and the likely biases of the other party. To help you in that process, let’s explore the types of bias, how they show up and how you can overcome them.

At the outset I’d note that there are countless academic articles written on bias and various methods of categorizing types of bias. The reality, however, is that many of the categories and types overlap and can’t always be neatly compartmentalized. No worries though. It’s not the labelling that’s important. It’s simply raising your awareness so you can recognize when bias is showing up and affecting how you process information.

Whether you call a bias cognitive, motivational, informational, selection, heuristic, linguistic, or any of the other many categories assigned to the various biases is less important than recognizing that bias is at play and getting intentional about diffusing the bias.

In this two-part series, I hope to provide a handy checklist of the most common biases. In this part (Part I) we explore various ‘personal’ biases and how they show up.

I invite you to identify your go-to bias ‘poisons’. Explore this list with an open mind and heart with a view to recognizing your guilty bias traps.

Self-serving bias

 

Self-serving bias shows up in a number of ways. It skews perception when we seek to perceive ourselves in an overly favourable light to maintain or enhance our self-esteem. It rears its head when we attribute our successes and positive outcomes to our skill yet blame our negative outcomes on bad luck. i.e. when we see our successful projects as the result of our brilliance and hard work but see our failures as the result of the team (or someone else) dropping the ball or not properly supporting the initiative.

It also influences our perceptions of fairness. We see our positions as imminently fair and reasonable while projecting our negative attributes onto the other party.

 

Egocentrism

Some see egocentrism as a subset of self-serving bias, while others see it as a stand-alone category. At its core, egocentrism shows up as tunnel vision or self-focus. This bias prevents us from truly appreciating the position of the other party as our focus is too narrowly on our own goals, outcomes, positions, etc.

Inattentional blindness

 

Again, some consider inattentional blindness to be the same as (or at least a subset of egocentrism and/or self-serving bias, whereas others believe the distinction warrants its own category. Inattentional bias is when we see, hear and experience only what we’re focused on. When we only focus on our own needs we inevitably miss out on valuable information and insights; important cues, signals or signs; and also on opportunities.

There are variations of a powerful study that exemplifies this bias and its impact. A video is shown of a group passing a basketball, half wearing white shirts and half black. Participants are asked to count how many times the white ‘team’ passes the ball to each other. Incredibly the majority of participants fail to notice a large gorilla jumping into the fray midway through the play. When the focus in on counting the number of passes, other glaring and obvious sensory input is missed altogether.

Overconfidence bias

 

A sister to self-serving bias is overconfidence bias. This comes from a false sense of your own skill or talent. It can manifest as having an unjustified illusion of control in your negotiations. It can also show up as what’s sometimes called the ‘desirability effect’ i.e. what I want to happen will happen because I want it to.

Endowment bias

 

Endowment bias is arguably a sister to overconfidence bias but applies to how we value what we own or what we bring to the table. i.e. when we over-value something we own or contribute.

We see examples of this in real estate deals where vendors over-value their properties (based on sweat equity or emotional attachment, etc) and find it hard to accept market valuations. We also often see this in bartering situations where one party believes their end of the barter is considerably more valuable than what the other party brings to the table. For the same reason, many partnerships flounder as one party over-values their contribution to the relationship vis-à-vis the other party’s.

Confirmation bias

 

Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for and interpret information in way that confirms our preconceptions. Henry Thoreau is credited with observing that “We only see the world we look for.”

The world is rife with this problem today. Social media exacerbates this bias as ‘news feeds’ we receive give us more of what we already believe. Everyone becomes even more entrenched in their belief about the rightness of their position. You are better served when you’re able to show up with an open mind to truly listen to perspectives and positions of the other party and to seek out information contrary to your already held beliefs (i.e. be willing to challenge your preconceptions).

Expectation bias

Tied to confirmation bias (but arguably a separate category) is what I call expectation bias. We tend to attract what we expect. If we expect the other party to show up as unreasonable and overly aggressive, our perception of the encounter will meet and reinforce our expectation. If we expect the worst, we’re likely to get (or at least see) the worst, and by contrast, if we expect the best we’re more likely to get (or see) the best.

Affinity Bias

 

Affinity bias relates to the predisposition we all have to favour people who remind us of ourselves. We see this as early as elementary school yards where kids gravitate and judge more favourably those like them and tend to shun those who are different. This bias causes us to discount potential valuable input, perspectives and input from those unlike us. While this is problematic in any negotiation, it is particularly problematic in cross-cultural negotiations.

Did any of these bias types resonate with you? Raising your awareness about your personal biases is a great starting point to overcoming the adverse impact of bias in your negotiations. Stay tuned next week for Part II where we’ll dig deeper, exploring biases beyond the personal.

Trust is a cornerstone of effective negotiations. From trusting yourself (and your intuition), to building trust with the other party or parties, the bottom line is that trust gets better long-term outcomes, relationships, and buy-in. Yet we typically don’t include intentional trust-building as an element of our preparation work for negotiations. That failure adversely impacts your ability to influence and persuade – in other words your effectiveness as a negotiator.

For a long time, experts couldn’t agree on how to define trust let alone how to actively build it. There were widely divergent opinions, across multiple disciplines, on the causes of trust, its nature, and its impact. Everyone seemed to agree it was important, but nobody could agree on why or how.

A 1995 journal article, An Integrative Model of Organizational Trust, spoke to the issue and is often cited for its breakdown of the factors of ‘trustworthiness’.

They suggested that we decide whether we find someone to be trustworthy based on our assessment of the following three factors:

• Ability: Do I believe the person has the ability to deliver on their promises?
• Benevolence: Is the person inclined or motivated to do right by me?
• Integrity: Does the person share values and principles that are acceptable to me?

Over a decade later, drawing on the ABI model, Stephen Covey spoke to the question of trust, breaking it down to two component parts: (i) character and (ii) competence. Character reflected integrity and intent. Competence drew on capabilities and results.

Would you pass the ‘trust’ test based on these qualities? It’s worth asking ourselves this question periodically … and in advance of every negotiation.

In our fast-paced world decisions get made quickly. These speed-date decisions are often based on knee-jerk check-ins about whether we trust the other party or not. Those reflex reactions are typically based on past experiences, reputation, cues (verbal and non-verbal), etc.

What are some hot, practical, tips on how to build trust in your negotiations?

• Trust Yourself

Our first and most important negotiation is always negotiating our own mindset.

It’s difficult to build trust with others if you don’t trust yourself. Do the inner work necessary to bring the confidence that comes from self-love to the table. You need to respect yourself to attract the respect of others. Explore the limiting beliefs that have held you back, challenge your inner critic, seek internal validation (versus external), be honest with yourself and celebrate your value.

• Maintain your reputation.

Losing trust is easier than building it. If you’ve lost someone’s trust, it can take considerable investment to regain it. Managing your reputation is key. Being known as someone who is untrustworthy can be the kiss of death in negotiations. So always guard your reputation.

•  Give Respect

Respect and trust are closely connected. Respect breeds respect. Always treat people with dignity and respect if you expect the same. Doing so builds trust.

• Bring Empathy to the Table

Be sure to practice active listening. Seek to truly understand the position and needs of the other party. This serves to lower defenses and increase the trust factor.

• Speak Clearly

By that, I don’t mean avoid mumbling. I’m talking about being clear about your meaning – say what you mean and mean what you say. Be transparent and open where possible.

Tied to that, speak the ‘language’ of the other party. I’m not talking about learning the mother tongue of the other party, but rather, use the lingo and terminology that speaks to them.

As an attorney, I quickly learned to brush up on the technical or specialized lingo of my clients in order to build the requisite trust that I was able to properly represent their interests. It made clients in the trucking industry nervous if their counsel didn’t know the difference between a truck tractor and a flatbed.

• Make & Label Your Concessions

Be prepared to make concessions as a steppingstone to trust-building. I’m not suggesting you give the house away or randomly offering up items in dispute. Be intentional. Plan a concession strategy in advance where possible so you can offer up a concession that will be of value to the other side but is an easy give for you.

Be sure to name your concessions as you do so. Don’t just expect the other party to recognize the concession you’ve made or its value.

• Be Clear About Your Expectations and Explain Them

When identifying your ‘needs’ in a negotiation (which comes after listening to theirs as noted above), don’t be vague or ambiguous or clever. Be clear. And be prepared to explain your needs. It’s surprising how often we misperceive and attribute false motivations to the other party. You can avoid that problem by offering up your explanations in advance to assist in their understanding of your perspective. Communication builds trust.

• Seek to Find Mutual Gains

Approach negotiations with a view to finding the highest good for all wherever possible. Don’t just seek to have your needs met, but actively look for creative options to find mutually better solutions and outcomes.

Trust is one of the core elements of my A.R.E. F.I.T. model. Once we master trusting ourselves, trust involves a willingness to rely on someone else. There’s a vulnerability inherent in the giving of it. Our past hurts often make this challenging. Exploring how to give trust allows us to live into being more trustworthy. It takes intentional practice … and it’s worth it.

A while back, I challenged you to do an ‘apology fast’, pointing out the perils of over-apologizing and inviting you to raise your awareness about how often you unnecessarily apologize.  At the risk of sounding inconsistent, today I want to talk about the importance of knowing when and how to apologize. The issue arose recently when my daughter called me early one morning to let me know she was misinformed before entering into a negotiation, and found herself on the wrong side of the negotiation. She was asking for advice on how to proceed. That incident got me thinking about how this happens from time to time and that perhaps a follow up to my Apology Fast post would be in order to cover off the other side.

My daughter was worried that if she admitted she was mistaken, it would affect her credibility and impact her future negotiations. At the same time, she didn’t want to go forward with the negotiation knowing she was on the wrong side of the argument. These are typical concerns in this situation.

When we come into a negotiation we always want to assume we’re in the right. That our side is the ‘just’ side. To use a television show metaphor, that you’re wearing Olivia Pope’s white hat [Scandal]. But what happens when you come to the realization that you are on the wrong side in a negotiation?

Here are some tips I gave my daughter that day.

1.) Do your research and preparation

Preparation accounts for ~45% of success in a negotiation. Some experts put that number even higher. Suffice it to say, doing the preparation work in advance of a negotiation is critical. If you’re considering the 5 W’s [check out my ebook on this issue if you’re not familiar with that model] as I advocate, you should be fully exploring the ‘what’ – the substantive matter at issue. Always consider both (or all as the case may be) sides of the issue, knowing both your supporting facts and those that challenge your assertions. This is important so as to allow you to understand the other party’s perspective(s), to overcome objections where appropriate, and, of course, to ensure the validity of your own position.

In doing that prep work, you will typically uncover any weaknesses in your position and/or if the lay of the land is not as you initially thought. This allows you to modify your stance in advance of the negotiation.

Doing research was actually the way my daughter found out she was in the wrong, albeit a little late in the game. Had she done the requisite prep in advance, she likely wouldn’t have found herself in a compromised situation in the negotiation.

Having said that, even with the best research practices, things sometimes fall between the cracks and/or surprises arise, or perceptions may impact how we view an issue and require a perspective shift.

Regardless of how you end up in the position of being on the ‘wrong’ side of an issue or argument, how do you handle it when it happens?

2.) Acknowledge and Apologize.

When you find out you’re wrong, the best strategy is usually not to go silent, or ignore the other party, or focus on trying to figure out how to spin it, or continue to try to defend a position you no longer believe and continue the negotiation.

Most people assume that acknowledging an error or acknowledging we don’t know something will adversely impact on your credibility. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Owning up to errors and acknowledging when we don’t know (and undertaking to find out information) both build trust in relationships and increase your credibility.

So, if you find that you’re on the wrong side of an ‘argument’, acknowledge that fact. Give credit to the other party for raising your awareness on that particular issue. Be prepared to offer a simple and sincere apology.

And that’s it. Don’t try to defend your past position. Don’t draw out the acknowledgement or apology, making it awkward and making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. This simple strategy will serve to build better relationships and with it better outcomes.

My daughter’s acknowledgment and apology email response was sent as soon as she got off the call with me and took only 3 sentences. She received a response back immediately, saying: “Thank you, Jade. I really appreciate your honesty.” She built trust, rapport, mutual respect and in so doing paved the way for better negotiated solutions going forward.

3.) Don’t beat yourself up

You made a mistake. So what? Everyone does. Most likely, going in, you didn’t realize you were in the wrong. Yes you can, and should, learn from your mistake. But leave the guilt of your mistake in the past where it belongs.

If you got value from this article and you’d like to go deeper to find out how you can up level your negotiation skills to negotiate your best life, let’s connect

Imagine you’re waiting at a coffee shop for someone. You check the time and they’re already an hour late. How do you deal with it? Would your answer be different for a business associate versus a first date versus a grandparent?

If you’re like most people, how you respond will differ depending on who you’re dealing with. The same holds true in negotiations. One’s anticipated outcomes in terms of both relationship and the substantive matter need to be considered.

This is also true in considering whether you ought to get your negotiated deals in writing or not. Most people advise ‘always get the deal in writing’. Movie producer, Sam Goldwyn is attributed with the famous quip “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on”. Lawyers in particular typically advocate to get written contracts. Many people believe a contract is only valid or enforceable if it’s in writing. Let me bust that myth. Contracts can be written, verbal or inferred by conduct (with limited statutory exceptions). The question is which best serves you in any given situation.

Today I aim to demystify this issue. And don’t worry, I won’t throw a lot of legalese at you. In fact, as a longtime attorney myself I’m embarrassed to admit that many contracts fall apart once lawyers get involved. With all the best intentions, lawyers’ natural inclination to protect the client at all costs typically leads to a lot of crossing t’s and dotting i’s for potential eventualities that are unlikely to ever come to pass. It’s the required cynicism of the profession to consider all possible negative consequences that may arise so as to protect against them for the client. This can often lead to heightened anxiety of the negotiating parties and raise fear of the unknown which can cause deals to fall apart over issues that weren’t necessarily on the table.

Like most people since March of 2020, I confess I’ve periodically binged on Netflix, including a lot of shows with courtroom scenes. In those scenes you often see the quintessential “as per section abc of [Document] it is the [Plaintiff/Respondent] position that xyz”. Usually these written documents/contracts helped the judge/jury decide the outcome in a given case.

Maybe you thought that was just entertainment, but as a lawyer for over 30 years I know the importance of these scenarios, not just in the courtroom but in everyday business.

Let me share a recent personal example where we didn’t get the negotiated deal in writing and it backfired. While in Mexico for a business conference, I realized that because my roommate booked the room (and was leaving a night early) I didn’t have a room for my last night. I called my assistant to book me the extra night under the preferred conference rate. And (as often happens in dealing with business in Mexico) after much haggling (that no rooms were available, that my current room wasn’t available, that the preferred rate wasn’t available … you get the idea) she finally secured the room at the preferred rate, assuring it was a simple extension of one night and I’d be able to stay in the same room without any hassle.

Sounds great, right? Wrong. Because my assistant didn’t get her conversation in writing, they locked me out of my room a day early and I had to expend considerable time and energy sorting the issue out (going through the same arguments: that the room wasn’t available, the preferred rate wasn’t available, etc). While I negotiated a better deal, in the meantime I couldn’t access my clothes or materials for the conference. Needless to say, it was inconvenient.

The lesson that can be learned from that example is that if you negotiate preferred terms or conditions or perks or benefits (whether with a service provider, supplier, or otherwise) it’s a good idea to get them in writing so there’s no ambiguity or wiggle room for the other side to back away from honoring the commitment. I’m sure you can think of a few examples where promises or representations were made by a salesperson or provider that weren’t honored. At a minimum, it’s good practice to take notes yourself of assurances you receive, including the name of the person, the date, time and substance of the promise(s) made.

While verbal agreements are legally binding, there is the issue of proof. A written agreement (if done properly) reflects the commitments of both parties. With verbal agreements, the problem of ‘he said/she said’ can arise and the matter may turn on credibility.

Other risks to verbal agreements include the fact that:

• people’s memories are imperfect;
• misunderstandings can occur where there’s not a shared understanding about the agreement;
• one (or more) party may be dishonest; and/or
• the person with whom the deal was struck may leave the organization and someone else is left to implement the deal.

There is a difference between a formal contract and other written agreements or acknowledgements. Again, both can be enforceable, but a formal contract should typically have the following elements:

• Identify the parties to the agreement
• Identify the subject matter
• Identify the terms and conditions
• Set out the consideration (what is being given in exchange for whatever is being received/offered)
• Signature of the parties

Having said that, sometimes a simple expression of intention in writing can suffice. i.e. going back to my example, a simple one-liner email from the hotel to my assistant stating ‘This confirms the one night extension of the room for Cindy Watson from [Date] departing [Date] at the rate of [agreed upon price].’

Here are a few additional tips for looking at your written agreement or contract:

• Make sure it is clear.
• If there is anything you don’t understand go back to the other party and ask for a clarification. This won’t make you look dimwitted but could potentially help clear up a misunderstanding.
• Watch the language of the contract. In negotiations, words matter, especially when they are on paper. You don’t want to get a negotiation in writing only to find it goes against what you were originally trying to argue.

Now let’s consider when it may not make sense or be necessary to get agreements in writing. As noted at the outset, you’ll need to consider both the substantive outcome you seek and also the relationship outcome you seek. Sometimes taking someone at their word can build trust in a relationship and strengthen bonds. Insisting on getting assurances in writing may cause offence and not be worth the cost in terms of relationship.

Further, sometimes people or providers are able to exercise discretion and latitude in offering outside or beyond the formal parameters. However, insisting on getting those commitments in writing might dampen the enthusiasm or ability to do so.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room … those tricky negotiations dealing with family and friends. You would think these would be easier negotiations to navigate because you already have a pre-existing relationship with them. But negotiations with those closest to you are often the hardest because of the past and ongoing relationship. Asking for an agreement in writing could cause a rift in what may be a strong dynamic. And yet, in many family dynamics, getting compliance from a family member may be infinitely harder than from arm’s length business partners.

As always, being intentional about your decision whether to get an agreement in writing or not is key. There is not necessarily a right or wrong answer in any given situation. So long as you consider the elements discussed here, including the pros and cons of each approach, you’ll be ahead of the pack. Most people act (or not) out of habit or reflex without bringing intention to the decision-making process.

If you’re like most people, you probably think that dominating the conversation in a negotiation is a sign you’re ‘winning’. I’d like to invite you to consider that the opposite is true. Allow me to reframe negotiation altogether. Instead of approaching from a win/lose competitive mindset, what if I suggested you could get better results through a collaborative approach? Sounds crazy, right? Well, hold your hat, there’s more.

A few weeks back I did an article on the importance of Active Listening to become a more effective negotiator. I’d like to kick that concept up a notch and introduce you to the secret sauce of listening … a process I call Elevated Active Listening. The process itself is very simple, but unfortunately most people resist as it seems counter-intuitive.

Those who know me, have no doubt already heard that in my law practice, clients called me the Barracuda. They meant it as a high compliment. I used to buy into the myth that negotiation was about toughness … especially in trial advocacy. It took me many years to come back to myself and recognize the power in my innate strengths and feminine traits. Primary among those was the powerful impact of invoking empathy with intention in negotiations.

One of the shortest paths to empathy is truly listening to what people have to say. Listening with a view to understand and try to meet the other party’s needs. Understanding and sharing someone’s perspectives doesn’t always come easy, especially when a relationship may be contentious. But making that effort will always outweigh missing the opportunity to build on your relationship with the other person(s).

The late Dr. Stephan R. Covey remarks in his audio version of The 8^th Habit From Effectiveness to Greatness that most people have been exposed to massive learning time in the fields of reading, writing, and speaking. However, less than 2% of the population have had more than a couple of weeks of listening skill development. And so, it’s not surprising that so many communications break down.

Covey is oft-quoted for his observation that:

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.

And it’s true. We have two ears and one mouth, yet we use the twin receptors much less than our squawk box. Why is that…unconscious ego? Perhaps.

I recommend you begin to monitor yourself the next time you have a conversation with someone. Who’s doing the talking? Are you truly listening? People like to hear their own voice and wish to be heard and valued. Self-validation is an unconscious reaction, much like the “flight or fight” response. It must be managed with intention.

If we can place ourselves firmly in the shoes of another, understand their inner motivation, relate to their needs, and together identify a shared solution that is better than has been considered, the barriers of competition evaporate. The path to this result is through elevated active listening.

So what is elevated active listening? Let’s take a brief step back and consider passive and active listening generally.

Passive listening involves giving your undivided and undistracted attention to the other person, paying attention to both the words the speaker uses and doesn’t use. It’s important to remain open to new ideas and perspectives, reserve judgment, and devote your attention to the speaker without anticipating when it’s your “turn” to respond. It’s harder than it sounds—especially since we’re conditioned to make immediate assumptions and judgments.

Active listening involves reflecting back what someone is saying to deepen your understanding and show that you’ve been paying attention. When you paraphrase a speaker’s words, ask for clarification, and remain open to feedback, you’re practicing forms of active listening. This is an important skill as it allows the other party to feel heard, and it also affords the opportunity for clarification if we’ve in fact misperceived the other person’s point (which happens often as studies show that our human perspectives of others’ positions are often erroneous).

And now for the secret sauce. Elevated active listening, which is a key element of HERsuasion™, kicks the art of listening up a notch. When you reflect and replay back the other person’s viewpoint to them as you understood it (as noted above in active listening), be intentional about framing their point of view in the most generous terms possible. Make their argument even more eloquently and persuasively than they did themselves.

I recognize this may seem counter intuitive. Why would we help the other ‘side’ by making their argument better? I invite you to consider that that mindset comes from a conditioned perception of negotiation as a competition. Dare I say, it comes from a scarcity mindset. In fact, by contrast, when you approach negotiations from a collaborative, abundance mindset, you’re more likely to get better, more creative outcomes, better relationships, better buy-in, longer-lasting agreements and more positive impact.

Reflecting back someone’s position in a way that is even more flattering than they articulated themselves can be a powerful way to build rapport and trust, both key elements to getting better buy-in and more creative outcomes. When I’ve adopted this approach in negotiations, I’ve seen a physical softening of the other side, a relaxing of the muscles, and a letting go of defensive postures. Invariably, it also results in triggering reciprocity wherein the other side rises to match the generosity and to better reflect back your position.

From this place, it is possible to come up with creative, unanticipated solutions in a way that would not arise from a place of one-upmanship or competition. Superior negotiation should conclude with an alternative that is better than had been considered by either party. In my view, this is rarely possible from an adversarial inward-focused stance but is regularly achievable when invoking elevated active listening.

Give it a try. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Some negotiations are harder than others. And some may seem downright impossible.

Have you ever been in one of these so-called unwinnable negotiations? As a female lawyer who practiced social justice law for 30 years, I’ve had my fair share of people telling me I can’t win certain negotiations. And you know what? I proved them wrong. In fact I won many purportedly unwinnable precedent-setting cases, even though I was told it was impossible. They weren’t impossible; they’d simply never been done before.

So how did I do it? Read on to find some tips to win so-called unwinnable negotiations.

Understand why you think the negotiation is unwinnable

There has to be some reason why you think you can’t win a negotiation. Maybe you’re a new negotiator. Or maybe you’ve negotiated with this person (or group) before and lost. Or, worse yet, maybe this person’s track record is impeccable, and they have never lost a case. Maybe the power imbalance seems impassable. Whatever the reason, it’s important that you understand the Why behind your negative thoughts about this negotiation.

Once you understand the rationale behind your belief that you can’t succeed, then it’s easier to bust that myth. Identify the soundtrack playing at the back of your mind and get intentional about challenging and flipping that story. Look at the assumptions that underlay the belief and question them. Ask yourself if they’re really true. Consider examples that debunk the story. What would the opposite of the negative story be? Flip your story to flip your life.

For instance, if you believe you can’t win a negotiation because you are a new negotiator and you have “no hope” of winning against a seasoned counterpart, understand that you negotiate every day of your life and you don’t even realize it. If you have ever convinced anybody (whether it’s your kids, significant other, or parents) to do anything, then you have negotiation skills. Negotiation is about influence and persuasion. See my post on how you’re likely using the key skills that make and mark the most effective negotiators everyday in a myriad of ways.

Face Your Fears

We all have fears that can drive us if left unchecked. What’s your favorite fear poison? A few of the top hits are: Fear of failure; fear of rejection; fear of being judged; fear of ‘no’; fear of the unknown; fear of missing out; and even fear of success. Fear will tank your confidence, which in turn will you’re your credibility and persuasiveness. The words we say are only one part of our communications in bargaining. When we approach negotiations with fear, we undermine our effectiveness (both internally and externally) before we even get a chance to convey our message.

Recognizing your fears and the impact is a key first step to letting them go … or being able to use them to propel you to the next level. Check out my free book on No F.E.A.R. Negotiating  to help to master this process.

Go into the negotiation with confidence 

If you go into any negotiation thinking it is unwinnable then you are more likely to lose the negotiation. Studies consistently show that higher aspiration and expectation levels result in better outcomes in negotiation. Which is why, no matter what, you need to walk into that room with your head held high. If you need to do a few breathing exercises or jumping jacks or positive self-talk mixed with your favorite power pose before you enter the negotiation, then go ahead.

The aphorism ‘Fake It Until You Make It’ advocates imitating confidence, competence and optimism. I’ve also heard ‘Face It Until You Make It’. I prefer ‘Feel It Until You Become It’. So, even if you don’t feel confident, act like you are. If you walk into that negotiation a bundle of nerves the other side will see it and can easily use that against you. Assertiveness comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowledge. Knowledge comes from preparation. You can do that.

Get training. 

With social media being what it is there are loads of free resources on how to negotiate.

Are you a visual learner? Love it or hate it YouTube is a great resource! The Women On Purpose YouTube channel was recently relaunched and new content is being posted at least once a week.

Are you more of an auditory learner? There are loads of podcasts available to help you negotiate! Women On Purpose’s podcast, HERsuasion: the Art of Feminine Negotiation™, for example, has over 60 episodes on how to win negotiations.

Maybe you learn better by reading or writing. There are loads of blogs and articles on the topic of negotiations (in fact you are reading one right now). As you are aware Women On Purpose has a weekly blog on elements of negotiation ranging from mindset and inner work to practical easy-to-implement tools and strategies to increase your ability to influence and persuade. We also have 5 FREE eBooks about negotiating that you can download and read at your leisure.

If you want to invest in your upcoming negotiations there are even more resources. Some of those resources include taking a course on negotiations. As of this publication the Women On Purpose academy has 5 online courses on negotiation that you can sign up for right now, and more in the works. If you want a more intimate training join a one-on-one coaching experience with a trainer. Being an attorney for 30 years, I created the Women On Purpose Mastermind, a 3–month immersive training one-on-one with me! Book your free Discovery Session with me to see if you would be a good fit for the WoP Mastermind.

Hopefully this blog post gave you a little more insight into how to negotiate the unwinnable negotiation. If it did, be sure to leave a comment below letting us know how.