Author: Cindy Watson

Let’s continue on your journey to negotiate your personal confidence boost. If you missed Parts I and II make sure to check them out. After all, confidence is key in negotiation and since all of life is a negotiation of sorts, it’s an important skill to foster. Yes, I said foster. Luckily, you can still build confidence even if you’ve always felt you lacked it. Last week I shared some concrete tips, tools and exercises to empower you to boost your confidence. Today, I thought I’d add to that arsenal. We all learn differently, so the more options and tools in your kit, the more likely you’ll find one that works for you to get the job done.

In Part I we talked about the confidence/competence loop and the four levels of mastery in life. We touched on the fact that the Conscious Incompetence phase (i.e. that stage where you become aware of your incompetence in any given area of your life) was the most destructive and caused the most angst. The problem is that many of us stay stuck in this phase and let it define us. It’s important to note that we all go through each level of mastery over and over again throughout our lives.

We are unconsciously incompetent in any number of subject areas and remain so in some areas until our dying breath. This is as it’s meant to be. We can’t all be fully competent in every area of all there is to learn in this world. For example, I will never likely be consciously competent in extreme quantum physics principles and in fact, I won’t even be consciously incompetent as I don’t know enough about the concept to even know what I don’t know. And I’m okay with that.

The next level, conscious incompetence, is key in that it’s how you get to make decisions to learn, to grow, to elevate to the next levels. If you’re afraid of failing and refuse to step outside your comfort zone you risk staying stuck here. See this phase as a gift – an opportunity to develop into a better version of you, with intention. As you learn and experience, you start to develop competencies without even realizing it (unconscious competence) until you ultimately achieve conscious competence.

Conscious competence is the phase where most people develop confidence. As you become aware of your competence in a particular area, you acquire confidence in that area. This confidence then gives you the courage to do more and so you get even more competence which in turn increases your confidence and so on.

However, sadly, we tend to beat ourselves up over our perceived errors or failures and are less likely to celebrate our successes. As a result, there is more emotional intensity around these so-called failures. This is a problem as your brain remembers events accompanied by strong emotions. And so, you can become stuck in the conscious incompetence mode as you allow your identity to be tied to these failures and become paralyzed to step outside your comfort zone and attempt to develop the skills to take you to the next level. This is a shame as the reality is that we have infinitely more successes in life than failure, yet we don’t train ourselves to recognize them.

One way we keep ourselves stuck is through the self-talk loop. When you allow that inner critic to whisper in your ear, you train your brain to believe the toxic bashing and it builds a negative self-image. Not surprisingly, this negative self-image negatively affects your performance. This, of course, leads to more negative nattering from your inner critic which in turn tanks your self-image which continues to sabotage your performance. This is so as your brain is hard-wired to try to give you what it thinks you want. As you beat yourself up (in ways that you would likely never contemplate doing to another human) your brain believes you want examples of how you’re a colossal mess-up and so it sets out to find them for you.

The good news is that the opposite is also true. You can train your brain to look for examples of how exceptional you are … and it will find those examples for you. Now wouldn’t that be a more productive use of your brain’s time?

How can you do that, you ask? It’s simpler than you may think. Change your focus, change your life. If you focus on the reality you desire, your brain will start to look for solutions to create that reality. You create that focus in your thinking, in your language and in your writing.

Visualizations:

One simple practice to help direct your focus is through visualizations. Allow yourself to visualize the future you desire as if you already have it. Be very specific. Allow yourself to see it, feel it, smell it, touch it and taste it. Close your eyes and imagine that future in all its glorious detail. See it in present tense. In other words, don’t think about wishing for it. This isn’t an aspirational exercise or a ‘one day’ exercise. See yourself already there, living into it. See it as an unshakable reality.

Incantations:

A level up from visualizations is incantations. This is also a simple practice once you get the hang of it. I say it’s a ‘level up’ as I find incantations more potent because you’re invoking your focus, body and language. Again, it involves seeing yourself already where you desire to be. However, you add your voice and body to the practice.

Create a powerful ‘I am’ statement that reflects the life you intend to live into. Again, as for your visualizations, it’s important to make your incantations present tense – not aspirational. Be sure to frame your incantation for what you DO seek, not what you seek to avoid. Remember to focus on calling what you seek. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll attract more of it to your life. Again, specificity is key. Be brief. You need to absorb this statement and be able to easily repeat it so keep it simple enough to do that. Ideally, attach an emotion to your incantation. If you’re calling for something specific and tangible, be sure to always add ‘or something better’ so as not to limit yourself.

To change this from a simple affirmation to an incantation, ideally stand up, vocalize it out loud several times, with strong intention (like a spell or chant), emphasizing a different key word each time (i.e. put the emphasis on the “I” the first time, on the “am” the second and so on as you repeat it each time) and add your body. Attach some action to anchor the incantation into your body and mind. Maybe press your hand against your heart with each repetition, or squeeze your fist, etc.

Do this every day, a minimum of twice a day, once in the morning as part of your a.m. routine to set yourself up for the day, and again at bedtime so your brain can further process it and absorb it into your psyche as you sleep.

For extra points, write down your incantation every day as well to further imprint it upon your brain.

These simple practices will kickstart the retraining process for your brain. As you train your brain to focus on the infinite possibility and potential in your life instead of on what could go wrong, your brain will start to accept that as your new reality and work to find solutions to make it come to fruition. This will improve your confidence, which as we discussed earlier, will in turn increase your competence and you’ll be in the success loop spiralling ever upward. And with that growing unshakable confidence you’ll become more resilient and creative to handle any adversity that comes your way.

Stay tuned next week for our final installment in this series. Have I convinced you yet to decide today to build your confidence? To choose to recognize and believe that you have the competence to learn and discover anything you set your mind to? If not, ask yourself, ‘what am I waiting for?’

Do you periodically suffer from a crisis of confidence? If so, you’ve come to the right place. In Part I of this four-part series I asked you to rate your confidence on a scale of 1-10 and noted that most women rate themselves lower than men. We discussed why this is a serious problem and celebrated the good news that if you lack confidence, it’s not too late as you can build it. I promised that in this part I would share concrete tips, tools and exercises that will empower you to negotiate your own personal confidence boost. Because all of life is a negotiation and the most important one starts with you.

Are you ready to dive in? Here goes:

Step 1: Love On Yourself

When is the last time you loved on yourself? Or truly celebrated your successes? If you’re like most women, I bet you beat yourself up about your so-called failures, but rarely give yourself credit for your successes.

How can you expect to show up with confidence if you continue to trash-talk yourself and undermine your own self-esteem?

The reality is that we have more successes than failure, but we attach more emotional intensity to our perceived failures and so they tend to stick more.

Here’s a couple quick exercises to start retraining your brain to love yourself more. In doing that you’ll increase your self-esteem and with it your confidence.

I         Brag List

Start by listing 25 things you love about yourself. I invite you to start your own personal Brag List. That’s right. I want you to brag on yourself. List as many positive attributes as you can think of about yourself. Don’t be shy. Don’t worry about being cocky. List your assets – physical, mental, attitude. Things you’re good at. Things you’ve accomplished. Nice things other people have said about you. Or how about nice things people could or should say about you?  List them all. Keep going until your hand gets tired. Then take a break and list some more!

II       Mirror Exercise

We all need acknowledgement. Here’s a simple exercise to help give yourself that acknowledgment daily. I say it’s simple. And it should be. I’ll caution you though that we’re taught NOT to acknowledge our self like this so it will be unfamiliar. And because of that, it will feel strange at first. You may have an emotional reaction … and that’s perfectly okay.

Before bed each night, look in the mirror and appreciate yourself for everything you accomplished that day.

• Start with a few seconds of connection by looking directly into your eyes
• Be sure to really recognize yourself by addressing yourself by name.
• Acknowledge yourself out loud for all the things you accomplished that day. These don’t have to be earth-shaking accomplishments. It can be a simple promise to yourself that you kept or completing a task that’s been hanging over your head or something kind that you did for another. Acknowledge everything and anything you can be proud about.
• Make sure to maintain eye contact (even if it feels awkward).
• Say “I Love You”. Yes, that’s right. Tell yourself that you love you. We don’t do this often          enough.
• Let yourself stand strong and really allow yourself to feel the impact. When you’re done, I invite you not to turn away feeling embarrassed – let yourself feel it, even the discomfort.

Do this every evening for a full month minimum. Allow the time to retrain your brain, to let it absorb that you are loved … unconditionally.

Step 2: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Your brain tries to keep you safe. However well-intentioned it may be, it does you a disservice when it encourages you to stay stuck in your comfort zone. If you get in your car and realize that the emergency brake is on as you head onto the highway, would you keep driving with the brake on? Of course not. And yet, I bet you travel through this thing called life with your psychological emergency brake on every day.

Or think of it like a governor, those devices that limit the speed at which a vehicle can travel. We put one on the kids’ snowmobile when they were younger so the boys couldn’t go at warp speed before their skill caught up to their cockiness. Is that any way to go through life as a grown woman? Do you want to live your life with a permanent governor attached to hold you back when you start gaining speed?

It’s as if we each have a built-in thermostat set to our own personal comfort zone. As we start to succeed in life, or take bigger risks, or find our self beyond our expectations, that thermostat sends a signal to our brain to quit firing on all cylinders, to ‘drop the temperature’ back into our comfortable range.

The only way to change that pattern is to reset the thermostat. You do that by getting outside your comfort zone to create new tolerances and expectations.

I remember growing up, our idea of a 5-star vacation was the local Hav-A-Nap motel down the street. As I got older and started travelling for work, I got a taste of the Holiday Inn and thought that was high living. Then as I attended glitzy conventions, I got a taste of the Ritz Carlton. As my tolerances and expectations got higher, my thermostat increased. I grew beyond the Hav-A-Nap motel only by getting beyond my preconceived bars.

Think of your comfort zone as a self-constructed prison, built on words like ‘can’t, should, need to, have to, ought to, must not’ … you get the idea. Why not flip your script and in so doing flip your mindset from one of doubt and limitation to one of confidence and possibility?

Remember that circus elephants are trained by getting tied to a peg with a simple rope. This rope holds them back as babies. They strain against the rope but can’t break it. Later in life, when their strength far outstrips the potential of that tiny rope to hold them back, they don’t even try to break it. They’ve given up, based on limiting beliefs that no longer hold true.

Will you continue to show up as that baby elephant, held back by a puny rope, or are you ready to recognize that you’re stronger than that rope?

Stay tuned next week for more simple and powerful exercises and tips to build confidence.

If I asked you to rate your confidence on a scale of 1 – 10, what score would you give yourself? If you’re a woman, chances are you scored yourself lower than your male counterparts. In fact, studies suggest that women, even at the highest levels of achievement, consistently suffer from lack of confidence. Women underestimate their abilities and performance while men tend to overestimate theirs. To state the obvious, this is a problem. Perhaps less obvious is the fact that this problem rears its head and ugly impact on multiple levels. The good news though is that if you lack confidence, it’s not too late. Contrary to popular belief, confidence is not some nebulous thing you’re either born with or not. You can build confidence. In fact, you can start today.

Confidence is key to success in life. Those with confidence typically get more. They get advanced in their careers more quickly, they make more money, they get more recognition. This of course gives them even more confidence which further escalates their upward progression in a self-feeding loop. The opposite is also true. Those lacking in confidence are less likely to get promoted, recognized or rewarded (economically or otherwise). Not surprisingly, this further attacks their confidence which spirals in a self-perpetuating downward loop.

These spirals aren’t surprising when you consider that people with confidence are more likely to take chances in life. The more shots you take, the more likely you are to score. As you try more, you gain more competence. This competence breeds confidence. That confidence gives you the courage to take more chances, which in turns breeds more competence and so on. This is known as the confidence/competence loop.

There are four levels of mastery in life:

• Unconscious incompetence
• Conscious incompetence
• Unconscious competence
• Conscious competence

These levels show up in the natural cycles of life i.e. as we advance from helpless infants at birth to independent adults to potentially helpless elders at death. They also show up within each stage of life as we try new things and grow … or don’t!

What does each level mean? Let’s break it down into bite sizes.

Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what you don’t know.

As an infant, you’re unconscious of your incompetence. You strive to achieve your next development markers (crawling, walking, feeding yourself, talking) without conscious thought about your lack of skill in these areas. This continues to be true throughout your life. You’re not aware you can’t spell until you develop some basic understanding of the concept. Later in life, you’re likely unconsciously incompetent in any number of areas, ranging from nuclear physics to complex (or not so complex) computer programming. Heck, until I founded Women On Purpose, I was blithely unconsciously incompetent about funnels, CRM systems and a multitude of other social media promotion necessities in today’s world.

Conscious Incompetence: This stage causes the most angst. (Think teen years)

As you get a little older, you become conscious of your incompetence. You may judge yourself when you spill the milk, or can’t cut your food, or are unable to perform certain physical feats. As teens or adults, it can create insecurity and make us afraid to try new things. Many people quit initiatives when they hit this stage, hating the feeling of incompetence as it triggers fear of failure. Can you think of a time when you quit for this reason? Or maybe you didn’t even try to develop a new competence? It can also trigger fear of success for many. It causes us to ask our self what else will I have to know? Will I be up for the task?

Unconscious Competence: Gaining competence through osmosis

As you grow, you start to develop competence in countless ways, without being conscious of your development in each of these areas. As you experience and do, you learn and develop competency.

Conscious Competence: Confidence starts here.

At some point you start to become aware of your competence in certain areas and to develop it with intention.

Think of this confidence/competence loop an infinity symbol (a sideways number 8). As you gain competence in any given skill or area of your life, you gain confidence. And with that confidence comes the courage to develop even more skill and so your competence increases, spiralling ever upward.

Another way to think of confidence building is as a 4-step process. Call it the 4 C’s of Confidence if you will.

Step 1: Courage

Every time you try something new you walk through a metaphorical door, not knowing what’s on the other side of that door. That takes courage. Raising your hand in class or at a board meeting or parent-council meeting takes courage. We all have courage in us. Tapping into your purpose and deeper ‘why’ can help you find your courage to take action.

Step 2: Commitment

Have you ever really succeeded at something you weren’t committed to? Chances are, the answer to that question is a resounding ‘no’. To succeed usually requires commitment to a course of action. To truly develop competence and confidence you’ll need to commit to stay the course.

Step 3: Capabilities

I said that success requires commitment to stay the course. What course is that? Usually it’s determining what skills you need to get where you want to go. Ask yourself what capabilities you need to develop to achieve your desired outcome or end goal.

Step 4: Confidence

If you align the first three steps with a particular goal or vision in mind that you want to achieve, your competence, and with it your confidence will take off.

I said at the outset of this article that you don’t need to worry if you don’t have confidence yet. It’s not a gene you’re missing. Just because you may not have shown up with confidence you’d like before today doesn’t mean you missed the golden ticket. The confidence window isn’t time-stamped and pre-programmed to slam shut.

What if you decided today to build your confidence? What if you chose to recognize and believe that you have the competence to learn and discover anything you set your mind to? Imagine the power in that simple decision.

Are you ready to make that choice now? If so, stay tuned for next week’s installment as I share concrete tips, tools and exercises that will empower you to negotiate your own personal confidence boost. All of life is a negotiation and the most important one starts with you.

Life is made up of moments. Every moment matters. So, it makes sense that we make a point to be fully present in each moment.

We all hear about the importance of mindfulness. How do we stay mindful about what we’re thinking and doing and how we’re showing up in times like these? I invite you to make a decision to be fully present for yourself, your intimate partner, your kids, family, friends and beyond. Presence is one of the most powerful gifts you can give. Find some way today to find peace, centeredness and grounding to get present with yourself so you can share that gift with others in your life.

Ask yourself if you’ve been living your life with purpose and on purpose. Have you been living with intention? Living in the moment? Or, like so many, have you been racing through your life to some imaginary finish line? If you want your life to be a masterpiece, decide to wake up to each moment. In our busy ‘to do’ lives, we’re often not in the moment. If you’re thinking about the finish line – whether for a particular task, project, or even longer-term endgames – chances are you are not living in the moment. If your mindset is one of survival-mode, of just trying to ‘get through this’ or waiting for ‘it to be over’, then you are not fully living.

Now, more than ever, it’s key to quiet the inner chatter. We all have that little voice in our head that pokes at us. That voice can have a tendency to scream at us when it’s overloaded and inundated with unfiltered masses of information like we’re experiencing today, some of which is accurate, much of which is not. I encourage you to ruthlessly monitor your mental chatter.

Think of all your negative self-talk as ‘fake news’, because it is. Direct your mind where you want it to go and you’ll be infinitely more likely to get what you want in life. Observe that negative mental chatter as you would clouds passing by in the sky. You see them coming, and you let them pass with a stiff breeze and bring your mind back to focusing on what better serves you.

Come back to focus instead on the gorgeous gifts we’re seeing, on the acts of generosity and human compassion. Focus on one thing you can feel grateful for in this moment. And then another. Breathe them in. Let them settle in your heart and fill your head until there’s no room for negative chatter.

Remember that we’re inherently creative and resourceful as humans. When you let negative chatter flood your senses, it’s easy to forget that. Remember that the history of humanity is our beautiful ability to be resourceful and creative. Now is the time for the rise of that creative energy. Quiet your mental chatter by focusing on your creative.

In addition to being mindful about what you choose to think – what thoughts you allow and the meaning you attach to them – I also invite you to be mindful about what you choose to do. What are you doing in these times? Are you binging on Netflix? It’s okay if you do sometimes. We all fall off the wagon. We’re perfectly imperfect humans. Don’t beat yourself up about those binges. Just choose not to stay in that mode. Instead, focus on something you can do that would be more positive and productive.

What’s one thing you can do today to lower your fear and the collective fear? Consider that question. Then go do it. Do it and be fully present as you do. Be present for yourself. In each moment. In each activity. Being fully engaged helps quiet the negative mental chatter. Find ways in these times to do creative, new, fun things with those you care about. Be fully engaged in those moments. Whether it’s cooking together, or creative activities, games, or even cleaning house together … be totally present. Maybe you can brainstorm together about creative ways to lower the collective fear and come from a place of service. What a beautiful way to stay present and engaged together.

Just as you choose the thoughts you allow into your head, also choose the people you allow to influence you today … and always. If you have Negative Nellies in your life, try to be the light that shifts them out of that place, and if you can’t shift them, if they’re not ready or willing to be shifted to a more positive space, then you need to rethink having those people take up space in your life right now.

Mindfully choose how you think. Guard against your own inner chatter and the chatter of those in your life. Mindfully choose what you do. Choose to do good, to be of service, to be the light that shines in the darkness.

Are you a worrywart? Do you suffer from a bad case of the ‘what if’s’? Do you catastrophize all the various ways things might go wrong? If so, you’re not alone. Worry is a chronic pursuit and its more serious sister, anxiety, is on the rise. Heck, we even have competition for worry dolls sales on eBay. Maybe it’s time we stopped accepting worry as a normal part of our go-to emotional arsenal and decided instead to substitute it with more empowering states. Are you ready to examine your patterns and consider a shift?

Do you try to convince yourself that worry allows you to prepare for or anticipate possible adverse scenarios so as to be able to better address them? Again, you’re not alone. We often try to rationalize our worry as beneficial, as a problem-solving motivator. It gives us an illusion of certainty or control. The reality is that no good usually comes from worry. It’s arguably one of the more useless human emotions, with more destructive potential than benefit. Worry is typically the problem, not the solution. The sooner you recognize that, the more empowered life you’ll be able to live. Let’s explore negotiating a new mindset for you to adopt, a shift in your perception of worry that will allow you to break away from this pointless pastime.

Start by asking yourself: What is the point of worrying? You no doubt expend incredible amounts of energy worrying about the past – which you can’t change – or the future, where the vast majority of things you worry about never come to pass and all that negative expended energy ends up being for naught. Not to mention that the Law of Attraction would suggest that you’re actually calling to you the very things you worry about.

The reality is that worry interferes with your daily life, taking an emotional and physical toll that renders you less equipped to deal with the challenges that may come your way. Worry saps strength (usually physically and mentally), increases insomnia (thereby further reducing your capacity), and decreases concentration, productivity and performance. It can negatively affect your appetite, mood, relationships, and lifestyle. Worry increases cortisol (the stress hormone) and can adversely affect your health. Efforts at coping mechanisms include such destructive habits as overeating, smoking, drugs and/or alcohol.

And to what end? Catastrophizing and running worst-case ‘what if’ scenarios rarely, if ever, ends well. I invite you to recognize that you control where your focus goes, and you control the meaning you attach to your thoughts. The more you focus on the possible disastrous ‘what if’s’, the more energy you give them and the more likely they become.

Here are a few simple tools to help stop big shadows being cast in your life from worrying over small things.

I           Worry Dump

If you find your peace of mind being crowded out by worrisome thoughts, take a moment to do a quick ‘worry dump’. Grab a pad and pen to write down all the negative, worried thoughts about potential disastrous ‘what if’s’. Better yet, keep a Worry Dump journal, so you can periodically review your worries and start to see patterns and recognize the utter lack of value the ongoing worries offered. The immediate benefit of a ‘worry dump’ is that it gets the thoughts (and their destructive power) out of your head. It strips them of power.

II          Challenge the Worry

Much of our worries come from the following: an all or nothing mindset around the issue; assuming responsibility for things outside of our control; expecting worst-case scenarios; over-generalizations; focus on the negative; discounting the positive; believing our feelings are reality; conclusions with no evidence to support them. So, make sure you challenge your worries. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is this really true?
• Is there a more positive spin or potential outcome possible?
• What is the probability of this thing I’m worrying about actually coming to pass?
• Is this worry helpful?

These questions should lead you to a more positive outlook as you chip away the foundation of your worry.

III        Interrupt the Worry Pattern

Engage in a pattern interrupt to disrupt the cycle of worry. Stop yourself from hitting the spin cycle by tuning in your awareness and taking action with intention: it can be as simple as getting up and moving, engaging in meditation, doing breathing exercises, focusing on relaxing your muscles, seeking out a humorous distraction … you get the idea. Do something to break the pattern of worried thoughts.

IV        Make a ‘Can Control / Can’t Control’ list

Much of what we worry about are things beyond our control. Tied to your worry dump practice, I invite you to categorize your worries into two lists: things you can control versus things you can’t control. Choose to dismiss those things you can’t control. Your worry will not add value or assist in dealing with them. It may exacerbate the situation. Instead, focus on those things over which you do have some element of control. Come up with concrete steps you can take to reduce risk and otherwise improve the situation. Taking constructive action gives you a sense of control over your circumstances and can stave off worry.

V         Manage Proximity

Choose who you surround yourself with. When we surround our self with negative people, that negative energy will inevitably rub off onto us. The opposite is also true. If you choose, with intention, to surround yourself with positive, optimistic, personalities it will decrease your own worry-meter and allow you to more consistently expect the best life has to offer.

VI        Stay Grounded in the Now

Most worry is either about the past (things you have already done) or the future (things you think may happen). So, a simple solution to minimize worry is to stay grounded in the NOW. Choosing to be fully present in each moment – in other words, practicing mindfulness – can avoid the pain of endless ‘what if’ questions and allow you to enjoy your life as you actually live it.

Let’s raise a toast to ridding yourself of worrisome worrying. Here’s to your newly negotiated mindset shift from worry to empowerment and groundedness!

(or How to get more of what you want and need without the conflict)

Would your approach to bargaining change if you only had one week to live?

Lately I’ve noticed a number of blogs or purported negotiation expert sites extolling the virtues of negotiating like your life depended on it. A take-no-prisoners, hostage-situation style of bargaining. This concerns me. Surely there’s enough conflict and confrontation in the world already. It’s one of the reasons I created the Art of Feminine Negotiation program. After 30 years of high stakes negotiation experience, I recognized that effective negotiation isn’t all about the bark and bite. Toughness doesn’t always carry the day. I came to realize that the hallmark of the most effective negotiators was the ability to bring the softer ‘feminine’ skillset to the table. I imagined a world where we negotiated from this place. A better world where we didn’t take hard line positions just for the sake of it or based on some misguided view that you could only get what you want that way. A world where we came up with more creative solutions that benefited the greatest number of people – where you could get what you want and also give more. And so, I invite you to consider a novel paradigm shift. Instead of negotiating like your life depended on it, what if we negotiated as if it were our last week on earth. What would you change in your approach to bargaining if you only had one week to live?

 

We’re inundated today with negativity. Our media abounds with images of conflict and disaster. It causes us to catastrophize our lives and how we live them. It keeps us locked in a scarcity mindset – a belief that there’s not enough and we need to fight to get and keep our piece of the pie. We get duped into a pattern of defending and conquering. Protect our turf, our property, even our ideas. This single-minded approach fosters more conflict as we battle to get more at all costs.

 

What if that mindset is not only unnecessary but counter-productive? What if that outlook limited you from achieving more? What if there isn’t an immutable pie, but in fact abundance abounds when you open yourself to it? Are you open to the possibility that there’s a way to negotiate your life that can give you everything you want … and more … while also allowing you to give, to contribute, to grow?

 

Here’s the key. Instead of trying to get every extra sliver of pie onto your plate and off the other party’s plate, why not create more pie? Tap into your natural feminine energies to think outside the box and look for creative win-win solutions. I don’t mean split-the-baby solutions, but rather, true innovative solutions that expand the options and opportunities for all parties to the negotiation (and beyond if possible). Instead of trying to put one over on the other side, why not find a way to get more for you and them.

 

You do this by employing the elements identified in my Art of Feminine Negotiation program. The 6 key skills that make and mark an effective negotiator are assertiveness, rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. [Here’s an easy mnemonic to remember these key competencies: A.R.E.  F.I.T. You ARE FIT to be a great negotiator.] Five out of six of those qualities are typically considered feminine traits or strengths. Assertiveness is only one element of bargaining. I’m encouraging you to tap into the other skills (which you already no doubt use in a myriad of ways everyday) with intention to bring to your negotiations. When you master and bring these elements to your negotiations, with intention, it will fundamentally elevate and change the character of your bargaining while simultaneously getting you better results. Using this approach gets better deals, longer-lasting deals, better buy-ins and improved relationships.

 

Approach your negotiations by trying to determine what the other side really wants and needs. What added value can you potentially bring outside the zone of the obvious issue on the table that could benefit you both. Are you trying to sell a tractor-trailer rig because you’re moving? Don’t just haggle over price. Instead consider possible referral and income opportunities over and above purchase price (i.e. share the local customer list you won’t be able to service anymore thereby benefiting you both on a much larger scale). Selling a vacant lot? Don’t get so focused on picking the highest purchase price that you ignore the prospective contractor purchaser who can build the road much cheaper than you thereby providing a potentially huge win-win solution. Consider outside connections you may have unrelated to any given transaction at issue – maybe you can make an introduction that costs you nothing but is invaluable to the other party. You get the idea. Invoke your empathy, build rapport and trust, use your intuition and be flexible to get outside the box creative solutions beyond the obvious. Take away the conflict to provide opportunity.

 

As humans we have two driving needs in life: to grow and to contribute. Maybe it’s time to rethink our traditional negotiation paradigm. Maybe it’s time to adopt an approach that meets our primal needs and gives greater value to everyone involved. If you had only one week to live would you want to spend it in negativity, haggling and fighting for every last scrap or you would want to live with purpose and meaning, getting what you want and need (and more) while spreading positivity, knowing that the ripple effects of your actions creates a climate of caring and compassion over conflict? I know what I’d choose.

My mother collapsed at the doctor’s office last week. She hit her head when she fell. And so started an unexpected journey into the perils of negotiating a health care system in the face of delirium and disorientation. The proverbial ‘they’ say things come in threes. This was the third time I’d had to advocate for my mom’s healthcare in the last year. It reminded me of my own maxim that ‘all of life is a negotiation’ and negotiating our health care is no exception. We typically hold our health care professionals in high regard and shy away from challenging their expert advice. While I share admiration for dedicated medical professionals, I’d suggest you never abdicate responsibility over your own healthcare and for those you love.

I first remember learning this lesson when my daughter (firstborn) was an infant. She was diagnosed with a serious heart defect at 2 months old. I had raised questions at her one- and two-month check-ups but was told I was paranoid – she would soon be President of the Baby Association (a clever reference to the fact that I represented trade unions). As a first-time mom, I’m not sure why I got a second opinion. Call it women’s intuition. Thank goodness I trusted it despite my doctor’s assurances. It turned out Jade was in heart failure. Within minutes of that second opinion, she was whisked away on oxygen as cardiologists argued about timing and strategy for complicated open-heart surgery. But that is only the beginning of that story.

We then embarked on a three-month post-surgery journey where everything that could go wrong seemed to. If 99% of the population reacted to a particular drug one way, Jade would be the 1% that went the other way. Every day posed a life or death fight. The first few times I timidly voiced concerns (I was no doctor after all), I was shut down, patronized, or ignored. But when it turned out I was right each time (yes, they had punctured her bowel with the NG tube despite loud protestations it was a physical impossibility, and yes, her fever spiked because she’d started teething not from meningitis, so those invasive tests were unnecessary after all) I knew I had to trust my instincts. The girl whose dad hadn’t taught her to box needed to become Muhammad Ali in this unfamiliar ring. I had to step up and negotiate for my baby girl the way I negotiated for my clients.

And when things were not improving after 2 months and the cardiologists said she needed surgery again, I fought sabre-tooth and nine-inch-nail against it. Even when they told me she wouldn’t survive and it would be on my head. (Not exactly compassionate bedside manner). But I stuck to my guns. Sure I was scared. Sure I second-guessed myself. And when I insisted, against their recommendation, we pull the ventilator to push her to breathe on her own again, I stood by her bedside willing her to suck in that critical lungful of air as the painful seconds ticked by. But I decided to trust my instincts because I was convinced she couldn’t survive another surgery. And within a week, after months of agonizing close calls, we had Jade out of intensive care and en route home.

I was a little less diligent about negotiating my own healthcare. After many skin cancer diagnoses, all basal cell (slow growing and low risk) I became complacent about the cavalier scheduling and practices of the dermatologists. They cancelled appointments, mixed up doctors, misdiagnosed, forgot to follow up with results … you get the idea. I accepted it in ways I wouldn’t if advocating for my children. Don’t we often put our own needs on the back burner as we care for everyone else in our lives? Since we get what we tolerate, I continued to get substandard care. But then I got diagnosed with melanoma. Not slow growing anymore and high risk by any standard. At first my old tolerances continued as they cancelled appointments and gave me the runaround. Until I thought about the consequences for my family if something happened to me. Suddenly, I wasn’t prepared to take what I’d been tolerating. My why became strong enough. I invoked my Momma Bear for the bear cub in me to self-advocate and negotiate my own health care.

Fast forward to today and the situation with my mom. When I finally got word she’d been rushed to the hospital, I arrived to find that she’d been over 24 hours in the emergency ward, lying on a cot by the nurses’ station (alarms ringing by her head, creating total disorientation) with a handcuffed felon beside her complete with an armed police escort. She hadn’t had a CT-scan, nor had one even been ordered (it seemed they forgot she’d presented with a head injury), and she hadn’t received any antibiotics for her lung infection. Needless to say, my Momma Bear reared her head, to protect my mom, who (as often happens in later years) was now my bear cub to defend.

I brought my A.R.E. F.I.T model to bear,  trying to build rapport and trust, employing empathy by commiserating about the challenges that under-funding and under-staffing brought for nursing staff, and remaining flexible to potential options. Ultimately, however, I recognized that this was a situation that also called for me to trust my intuition and above all, to be assertive to ensure my outcomes for my mom were met.

I invite you to adopt the A.R.E. F.I.T. model in advocating for your health care (and for those you care about). This can show up in different ways depending on your situation. Here’s a quick checklist of things to consider in negotiating this process:

• Ask questions about anything and everything you think you ought to know;
• Insist on getting answers to those questions;
• Ensure the answers are in language that you understand – if not, keep asking until you get it – there’s no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to health;
• If the answers don’t seem correct, raise further questions;
• Trust your intuition;
• Try to educate yourself;
• Don’t be afraid to challenge the information you’re given, the recommended treatment program, the medication being prescribed, etc.;
• Go up the food chain if necessary;
• Build rapport, trust and empathy, but make sure to be assertive as necessary to meet your outcomes (this applies with support staff, nurses, doctors and specialists alike).

These simple tips can have a profound positive impact on your healthcare outcomes. So much of our lives is a negotiation. Negotiating your health care just may be the single most important bargaining you ever conduct. Without good health, much of the rest of what we negotiate about becomes moot.

Space: The Final Frontier

Last week we tackled space and how to use it in negotiations. I’m not talking about sending someone to the moon, or even Mars. No, nothing so distant. To the contrary, we talked about those all-important personal space zones – the difference between intimate to social to public space, and how you can apply an understanding of these concepts to up-level your bargaining. There’s a whole science dedicated to the subject. For those who missed last week’s installment, it’s called proxemics. To recap, proxemics focuses on how humans interpret the use of space, particularly its impact on behavior, communication, and social interactions. Why should you care about it? In case you didn’t notice, these focus areas are all elements in negotiation. In this segment, let’s move from the use of physical space to a broader and deeper consideration of the subject and how you can use it to your advantage.

A person’s perception of space is affected by visual, kinesthetic, olfactory, auditory and thermal dimensions (according to Edward T. Hall, credited developer of the concept of proxemics). What do I mean by that? Visual includes eye contact or lack thereof; kinesthetic includes posture and body position; olfactory includes smell, pheromones, etc.; thermal is the heat given off by an individual; and auditory includes tone of voice (which can be broken down into texture, volume, directness). How does any of this impact on your negotiations? Let’s explore a few areas:

 

I To be (on time) or not to be (on time)

Some would argue that the first and most important kinesthetic is arriving to the negotiations on time and with your entire party – i.e. if you intend to have fruitful negotiations, the last thing you want to do is insult the other negotiators by arriving late. Others, however, see this as a possible tactic to exploit to set the other party off balance from the outset. Either way, being aware of this and making the decision with intention is an important first consideration.

 

II Where oh where can my baby (negotiations) be (taking place)?

In real estate they say the top three factors in property value are location, location, location. Some believe the same can be said of bargaining.  Home court advantage is often touted as key. Humans subconsciously associate familiarity with safety. For example, sleep researchers discovered the “first night effect”, a subconscious defense mechanism that prevents us from entering a deep sleep when we sleep somewhere new, to ensure that we are able to defend ourselves at a moment’s notice. This concept can equally apply to the location of the negotiations. A party who suggests that discussions take place at their home location is likely attempting to take early advantage (though there are pros and cons to consider on both sides). For those who missed it, we discussed the importance of the where of negotiations in the earlier post. If you want to control your negotiations, then control those elements that you can. This is one area where you can. Simply make sure this is a factor you consider with intention, rather than default.

 

III What’s wrong with your face?

Non-verbal cues account for the majority of bargaining communication. Facial expressions constitute a big part of these non-verbal cues. So, mind your facial expressions. With one look you can discredit or empower a person’s position. Needless to say, this carries power and ought to be controlled. If the opposing negotiator is pitching their position, ensure that no one on your side is nodding in agreement. With intention, you can use your facial expressions to elicit specific desired reactions. But without purpose, unwitting facial expressions can tank your bargaining strategy and power in the blink of an eye.

 

IV Don’t be a human fidget spinner

Watch your hands and legs. Are you a nervous tapper? Pen clicker? Foot bouncer? Try to control it. It distracts – both you, your team, and the other side. It also signals that you’re stressed and anxious – not exactly the picture of strength you want to project. Showing angst can be used against you to try and force an early or substandard deal. Additionally, watch the position of your hands when speaking. Your palms are a powerful tool. Palms up purports inclusion whereas palms down signify aggression. If you watch famous public speakers, they speak with their palms facing up when they want to bring people into their narrative. It is a subconscious gesture that portrays inclusion.

 

V Don’t take that tone with me

Your tone and speed of speech are crucial communication tools. The more control you have over your speech, the less opposing negotiators will be able to guess your strategy. Stay calm, stay cool, stay collected.  Once mastered, this tactic can be used to create red herrings to confuse or distract the opposing negotiator from your purpose.

 

VI The eyes are the window

Don’t stare. Eye contact is critical for active listening, however, a long and unbroken stare will be interpreted as intimidation. Only use it if you mean it. As always, intention is key. If you want to show the other party that their position doesn’t deserve attention, stop making eye contact and read your notes. It can be an effective way to undermine their confidence in their position.

 

VII Engage the space

Following up on our discussion of the awareness and use of personal zones, always remember to use the space regardless of where you’re bargaining. Make a conscious decision whether you want to stand or sit; be beside or across from the other side; stay static or move about the room; moving into or staying outside the other party’s comfort zone; be the center of attention or not, etc.

Hopefully you can use these tips and pointers to enhance your bargaining strategies. Proxemics is often overlooked or downright ignored as a factor in bargaining. Become aware of this concept and learn to apply it to your negotiations strategically for a significant advantage to give you leverage and enhance your effectiveness, influence and ultimately your results in bargaining. Ignore space at your peril. They say it’s the final frontier for a reason.

Space. Such an interesting concept. Different meanings jump to mind for different people, whether the space you live in, being spaced out, space cadets, giving each other space or proximity to others. Humans continue to be fascinated by conquering space frontiers (from the moon to mars and beyond). Heck, even monkeys have been to space. So, perhaps it’s appropriate to chat about spatial consideration in negotiations (or if you want to get fancy … proxemics).

What is proxemics? The branch of study that focuses on how humans view and interpret the use of space, particularly its direct impact on behavior, communication, and social interactions. You may have noticed that these are all elements in negotiation. So let’s consider the oft-ignored use of proxemics for improved negotiations. Mastering this concept can mean the difference between commanding a room or shrinking in it, taking control or being overwhelmed.

Let’s start with those all-important personal space zones. What are they?

• Intimate space: the closest “bubble” of space surrounding a person. Entry into this space is acceptable only for the closest friends and intimates (however temporary or long-term they may be).
• Social and consultative spaces: the spaces in which people feel comfortable conducting routine social interactions with acquaintances as well as strangers.
• Public space: the area of space beyond which people will perceive interactions as impersonal and relatively anonymous.

Note that these personal space zones vary by culture, age, population density and even personality. We all have our own comfort zones in terms of personal space. I often joke with my daughter that she treats her intimate circle in the way others treat public space – she wants a wide berth, a protective bubble in her interactions. Outside of the personal, compare a large city to a small town. In urban centres you’re squished into subways, bumped on the streets, crammed into elevators, etc. By contrast, in rural communities, it’s less acceptable to bump someone on the street, or sit beside them on a park bench. The size of the personal space zone increases based on the density of the population. Another important example is the cultural differences in personal space. In many large cities in Asia, while riding the subway, it is acceptable for a stranger to fall asleep on your shoulder. In North America, this type of proximity would likely cause some discomfort.

How can you apply this in your negotiations? Consider the negotiating or bargaining space. Here are a few examples:

• How big is the room? Do you want to create intimacy or not? Do you want a comfortable space for the amount of people involved or not? What’s the temperature? Again, are you striving for a comfortable environment or not?
• How does the room design impact the discussions? Are there windows, light, and airflow? This becomes an issue after hours of negotiating and be an advantage or hindrance to effective bargaining. You may find yourself or the other party making concessions just to get out of the room.
• Type of chairs? This one may come as a surprise. Some negotiators try to use proxemics to their advantage by having two variations of chairs in the negotiation room, some set to a taller height than the others and/or some more comfortable than others.
• Table or room set up? Is the table set up in an adversarial manner, with each party on either side of the table? Although this may seem like the default seating plan, it is not necessarily the most effective for negotiations. Having members of your negotiation team sitting directly beside the opposing team can subconsciously increase harmonization. Also consider alternative room set-ups, whether circle or theatre style depending on the nature of the discussions.
• Personal space is critical: Using proxemics to understand and identify your zone during negotiations is important to guarantee fluid negotiations. Staying in the social zone is typically recommended. If you are constantly in someone’s personal or intimate zone you will come off as less reasonable, more intimidating, and likely to break down negotiations. Again, however, some see this as a possible tactical move to engage.
• Engaging the space: Be intentional about your use of space in negotiations. Use the room to your advantage. Most people ought to stay seated, across the table from each other during formal bargaining. There can be great advantage to more fully using the space in a room, including crossing the imaginary divide between the parties.
• Additionally, consider personal space when giving a handshake: Regardless of gender, a handshake should be firm, direct, and initiated by you as it shows a willingness to work together. Find a neutral strength handshake and adjust to match the “squeeze” of the other person.

Most people overlook this aspect of bargaining altogether. As a result, you’ll be at an advantage when you bring this skill and awareness to the table. When you’re able to utilize proxemics –using space to your advantage with intention in your negotiations, you elevate your bargaining position, power, influence and results.

You asked. I answered. In response to your requests, the last few blog posts have been about some practical elements of the bargaining process itself. We debunked the misunderstood art of concessions and explored the importance of knowing your BATNA before bargaining. Today, we’re going to tackle impasse and how to break it. What is an impasse? The dictionary defines it as “a situation in which no progress is possible, especially because of disagreement.” Synonyms offered include deadlock, dead end, stalemate, checkmate, standoff, standstill, halt, stop, stoppage, full stop. The word’s origins are French, meaning unable to pass.

Clearly this is not a desired state in negotiations. The goal is not generally to hit stalemate (although there are admittedly times when this may be a strategic desired result). Even with the best of intentions, however, typically, negotiations come to an impasse at some point. So, given that the end game for most bargaining is to actually come to an agreement and get a deal, it’s important to consider how to break an impasse when you come up against it.

Parties usually hit an impasse over the matter (or substance) of negotiations versus the mean (or process). Although, there are certainly times when the how of bargaining is important enough to one or both parties that it can cause a stalemate – sometimes right out of the gate. I’m sure you’ve had that experience, even though you may not have thought of it as an ‘impasse’. For example, if you can’t agree on where or when to meet with someone, so the meeting keeps getting put off, you have hit an impasse of sorts. Most impasse, though, happens over the ‘meat’ of the bargaining issues.

What are some strategies or tactics to get around an impasse? Here’s just a few to consider:

1. Nibble approach: don’t try to resolve the entire issue that led to impasse, but instead, nibble around the edges and/or take little bites towards solving the problem at hand.
2. Role Reversal: have each side put themselves in the shoes of the other side – actually play devil’s advocate by each arguing against your own position and for the other side.
3. Record-check: put together a summary of issues agreed to date – this allows both sides to focus on the progress made rather than the stalemate and can often open up the parties to finding a creative solution.
4. Future focus: have both parties focus on the ideal future they envision if an agreement were to be reached – this refocuses energy away from the block and on the possibility and promise an agreement could bring.
5. Reframe: try to reframe the outcomes as seen or perceived by one or both sides – i.e. reframe the perception from a loss to a win.
6. Give and Take: ask ‘what would you offer if I were to concede on this?’ or alternatively consider offering something in return for their concession.
7. Shift: switch the conversation away from the contentious issue that led to the impasse to allow the possibility of some forward momentum and come back to it later.
8. Trial period: propose a trial period – that way neither party is tied to a long-term buy-in, but instead can see if the proposal works or not.
9. Trial balloon: float a trial balloon by asking a hypothetical question: “What if I was to …” – that way you’re not tied to the suggestion but might get some movement forward.
10. Take a Break: take a temporary break from the negotiation and reconvene at another time.
11. Change-up: bring in another negotiator to change the energy and momentum.
12. No-side Neutral: bring in a 3^rd party neutral to mediate.
13. Fear Factor: have both sides share and address their respective fears – this can often be a launching point to better solutions all round.
14. Share Stories: it’s easy to say no to positions, but harder to dismiss someone’s story – so, share your ‘stories’/perspectives on (i) why you each think you’re at an impasse and (ii) why the issue is so important to each of you – this can open up meaningful dialogue that can lead to better solutions.
15. Set Change: change the venue – sometimes a change of scenery can change the energy and unblock one or both parties.
16. Research and Regroup: sometimes you may need to go away and do further research and agree to regroup once you’re both armed with more information and/or options.
17. Ask, Ask, Ask: ask diagnostic questions – in other words, employ the 5W’s (see earlier blog post series on the importance of invoking the 5W’s) – use open-ended questions about who, what, where, when, why and also how to dig to determine the other side’s real needs, desires, fears and deeper why.

These are just a few ideas to help you get out of the box if you find yourself at an impasse in your negotiations. Ideally, you want to determine what is causing the impasse and address the root problem. Sometimes, though, good old-fashioned diversion, distraction or change-ups can do the trick. Whenever possible, be aware of the need to allow a face-saver for the other side (and yourself if necessary). Know how to re-open talks without a loss of face for either side and without sacrificing your power. Ultimately, we all have self-interest in our bargaining. Find a way to meet the needs of that self-interest by getting creative rather than getting stuck. Here’s to busting through the barriers to get from impasse to pass through!