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Culture Growth Personal Development

Can we ban normal, please?

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly” ~ Morticia Addams

Normal, by definition, is conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. (Oxford Languages)

As a non-conformist, normal gives me a twitchy eye.

Normal is subjective and perceptual. My “normal” is not the same as your “normal”. So, who’s normal is right? Besides, technically, when we force another to conform or fit into our own definition of normal, and they don’t want to, we are technically exhibiting abusive behavior.  *Insert twitchy eye*

Before you read further, I want to let you know that normal and I? We do not get along. I tried this normal stuff. I am not a fan.

In my experiences, normal is a societal belief that underlies many of the mental health issues we face, desensitizing us and has caused us to fear our individuality and uniqueness. So to say I would like to eliminate the ideas of “normal” is an understatement. With that said, I will share with you why I feel this way. Feel free to share your take on normal. I would love to know!

I see this behavior in the teens a lot, and because teens tend to reflect back what they are taught by the rest of us, once I noticed this in them, I really began to notice this everywhere.

Normal = acceptance. We tend to accept anything we have been told is normal, resulting in us accepting quite a bit in our society that is actually contributing to our distress and turmoil. When we want someone to accept something new we know they are going resist, we tell them it’s normal. 2020 is a great example of this. Please don’t do this.

Have you heard the question “when are we going to get back to normal?” Sure, we tend to be extremely resistant to change. I thank “normal” for this resistance we have developed. I understand the desire to go back to what we know. Does going back to “normal” make everything better? Spoiler alert: the answer is no. It only makes it familiar. We have evolved. Going backwards to familiar? This is not a good idea.

Our fear of change causes our selective memories to kick in and attempts to get us to go back to or maintain the normal.

A few statements we say that we have used to normalize things we know are abnormal:

  • “Don’t worry, it is normal to feel sick when you take those pills to not make you sick.”
  • “It is normal that politicians lie.”
  • “It is normal to feel like you don’t fit in.”
  • “It is normal that he/she treats other people like shit. You’ll get use to it as you spend time with them.”
And my favorite: “If you continue to do that, no one will think you are normal.” If you want to shame someone and force them to conform to your definition of normal, this is one way to do that. (For the record: I don’t recommend this.)

We accepted side effects, lying politicians, low self-worth, and shitty behavior from those around us as normal. When we accepted these as normal, it made setting any limitations to prevent these things very difficult.

If we use a different word, such as “expected”, in place of normal, we get a different tone to the statement.

It may be expected that you will or do feel like you don’t fit in. However, it doesn’t need to be accepted and it can be changed. It may be expected that politicians lie, but that behavior doesn’t need to be accepted.

We are desensitizing ourselves to life. We are full of fear. We fear being who we are. We fear change. We fear judgment. We know we don’t want any of this fear, yet, here we are, full of fear.

Instead of addressing the root cause, we have decided to medicate ourselves to conform to “normal”. Our mental health has declined and addiction rates have skyrocketed. In all of this, feelings have become abnormal. Feelings are intrinsic and a result of our thoughts. We cannot separate the two, yet we certainly are giving it our best attempts.

Here are nonverbal behaviors we have normalized:

  • Working until we burnout
  • Work in careers that we hate
  • Live beyond our means to simply prove our worth.
  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Over-scheduling kids and not allowing them to be kids, which teaches them how to not “just be”, and it also over schedules us. Which leaves no downtime, for anyone. Hi, burnout!
  • Not taking time off to rest when sick

Certainly, there are standards by which we can and need to measure things in life. Those standards, though, do not indicate normal. Common? Yes. Typical? Sure. Normal? No.

In business, how many times in a week do we chalk something up to normal, only to come to the conclusion down the road that normal cost us time/money/product/customers? Normal can even cost us our reputations in business.  If you aren’t sure, spend a week observing how many times you say “normal” or assume something is “normal”.  Notice how many times you behave in a “normal” way, and then take a look at what you noticed. What is helpful and what is harmful? How can you change the stuff that isn’t helping?

As parents, have you ever said “We need to look like a normal family. Please don’t act up.”? I have when my kids were young. You know what I realized with that statement? It planted a seed of shame in my kids. I have struggled with knowing I said that, for years. I projected my own insecurities of being judged onto 2 human beings who didn’t know how to carry that kind of weight. If you are unsure, spend a week observing how many times you reference normal, and then at the end of the week, look at the information. What is helping, what is harming? How can you change what isn’t helping? Include your kids on this one. They love this kind of stuff and will help them learn how to be more aware as well!

Overall, how many times do we turn a blind eye to something, and say “Oh that is normal. It will be fine.”, when we could have spoken up about something we saw and knew wasn’t fine?

Normal is comfortable, not healthy and many times is not safe like we want to believe it is. Developing our situational awareness can help reduce the amount of times we turn a blind eye. If you would like more information on situational awareness programs, reach out to Brian Searcy, Col. (Ret) USAFParatus Group.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

If we want to be able to embrace and flow with change that is ever present in life, my recommendation is this:

Eliminate “normal”. 

Give yourself permission to not compare, to not do something just because it is what you were told was normal.  See what happens. Open up your curiosity, explore new ideas and new ways of doing things. Throw that normal box in the recycling bin. Stretch yourself beyond normal.

Be curious. Be human. Be non-conforming.

Be uniquely you. You are awesome.

Charity Buhrow has spent her life redefining her “normal” life, shifting it from an extrinsically motivated life to an intrinsically motivated life. The results have allowed her to be able to reclaim her zen, and now she helps others do the same. If you are ready to get out of that box of normal discomfort, and reclaim your own zen, connect with her here!

Categories
Growth Leadership Personal Development

Mentoring from our intrinsic selves in 2022

Who am I? This question is fueling the trends we are witnessing going into the new year. The underlying question is, how do we find the answer and more so, how do we help our kids avoid the pitfalls of an extrinsic society?

As we came out of 2020, we discovered how many people actually began doing intrinsic healing for themselves in search of the answer to this seemingly simple question. The business world was the first to see the results of this deep healing. You’ve heard of the “Great Resignation”, right? As people woke up to the fact they actually have choices in their lives, one of the first choices they made was cutting out what was contributing to their stress. That was quite the wake-up for employers and businesses worldwide.   

Now, as we roll into 2022, the focus on teens and young adults is growing. We discovered throughout the pandemic how much the young generations were actually struggling and how much we tended to blow off as just “typical” teenage behavior. As we uncover and rediscover who we are, reigniting our passions and adjusting our lives, we need to keep in mind that the younger generations are watching us. Not to criticize us or rebel against us, as it has been assumed they do. Teens watch and mimic us as they grow into adults. They look to us for guidance, and the guidance they look for is truly in our actions and daily behaviors. 

If you’re thinking, “Great. On top of navigating all this other stuff, now I need to worry about being watched by my teenager?”, there is no need to worry, my friend. Teens really just want to learn, be a part of something, and inviting them on your journey of self-exploration is one many of them are willing to take with you. 

As a highly trusted youth mentor, the level of trust that exists between myself and each teen I mentor was built on my willingness to be authentic, vulnerable, and non-judgemental. This has allowed for an environment of safety to develop. Every human being wants to feel safe, regardless of age. In return for creating an environment where they can safely practice being themselves, I also gain an environment where I am able to continually put into action being authentically me. This is a win-win situation.

I have found there are 5 ways to build a trusting, genuine relationship that allows both parties to grow and flourish:

 

  • Avoid trying to impress others
    • Knowledge, experience, and achievements are great, however, who we know, how much we make, and what awards we have really aren’t as impressive to those around us as we’d like to believe. More times than not, others want to know how we handled ourselves when it wasn’t all rosy and ideal.

 

  • Keep agreements 
    • This is a real trust builder. Making promises we don’t keep teaches others they don’t need to keep promises either and it is hard to trust someone you can’t depend on. 

 

  • Be vulnerable
    • This takes courage. Admit failures, wrong decisions, and setbacks. Everyone knows humans aren’t perfect. Big lessons can be learned when we share our struggles along with what success came from those struggles. 

 

  • Listen without judgement
    • Genuinely listen and allow others an opportunity to talk through their own struggles, more times than not, the answer will be discovered without ever having to say anything. We don’t always need to provide the answer, just the space for the answer to be discovered. 

 

  • Walk the talk
    • It is easy to tell others what to do, it is much more challenging to lead by example. When those around us see us doing what we are saying, we build even more trust, reliability, and credibility. 

 

Even if you aren’t mentoring young adults, as we implement these into our lives, everyone we come in contact with will benefit. It just takes one person to have the courage to be brave, and to put these into practice. As we all work to create change, let’s make sure we are starting with ourselves in 2022 and be the change in the world. We never know who is watching.