In the midst of the holiday hustle, it’s crucial to keep things stress-free. This year marks our first holiday season within the Conscious Parenting Revolution, and the concerns are piling up. “Feeling Shy” shares worries about navigating extended family dynamics and potential clashes in parenting styles during the Christmas gathering.
Sincerely,
Feeling Shy
Feeling Shy,
Your apprehensions are completely valid, and you’re not alone in facing these challenges. Many parents within the Conscious Parenting Revolution have encountered similar situations. The holiday season, with its mix of excitement and stress, can indeed be overwhelming, especially when family dynamics come into play.
Navigating the holiday season becomes even more crucial when facing different parenting styles within the family. “A stress-free holiday” is the ultimate goal, and embracing open conversations with your kids about diverse parenting approaches ensures they understand and appreciate your conscious parenting choices.
It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone may share the same perspective on parenting. While you can’t control the opinions of others, you have the power to strengthen the connection with your children. Discussing your parenting choices with them and creating a plan for handling potential conflicts during family gatherings is a proactive step.
To minimize discomfort in parenting situations, consider avoiding an audience when addressing behavioral issues with your child. Taking these conversations to a private space allows for more effective communication and maintains a stress-free atmosphere for everyone involved.
Remember, “Ways to Cope with Holiday Stress” are essential, involving proactive communication, setting expectations, and creating strategies to handle challenges. While you can’t control external factors, you can empower yourself and your children to respond effectively.
Wishing you and your family a festive holiday season, filled with joy and “a stress-free holiday.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, And throughout the home, Little ones a-stirring, They’re quite the festive load! You went the extra mile To bring holiday joy, But it’s not what you pictured …it’s all about toys!
If that isn’t how the poem goes…it really should be!
A tranquil Christmas Eve isn’t the norm for many families. Your children, high on sugar and low on sleep, may not be the recipe for success!
Whether you have little ones on a sleep strike or those refusing anything not covered in frosting, here’s a quick tip to guide your child without raining on their parade:
“I can tell you’re really excited about Christmas, and it’s great to see how happy you are! The best gift I could ask for is that you get a good night’s rest and you eat some veggies. You’ll feel the best in the morning, making it a season of love, laughter and memories.”
Remember always to use AND and not BUT to start a conversation that takes both their side and yours into consideration.
Fill in the blanks with: you and your sibling aren’t fighting, adapt this script to whatever situation you find yourself in. Remember, both you and your child want the holidays to be a time of merriment and memories. You’re on the same team!
My Christmas wish for you this Christmas Eve is that you feel confident in your parenting. No matter where you are in your conscious parenting journey, I admire and applaud you.
To make your 2024 the best year ever, I’d like to gift you with 85% off our Ultimate Parenting Toolbox between now and Jan 24th! Just use the code HOLIDAY when checking out to receive this incredible offer. This Conscious Parenting starter kit will help you gain the skills to amplify your parenting wins by responding differently to behavioral challenges.
Navigating the challenging teenage years often leaves parents and caregivers at a loss. However, there’s a perfectly legitimate explanation for their behavior. Adolescence marks the development of the prefrontal cortex—the brain region responsible for judgment, weighing pros and cons, and managing emotional responses.
This crucial brain development continues until the mid-20s, making it challenging for teenagers to think critically and regulate their moods. Research even indicates that teens often misinterpret cues and facial expressions, frequently perceiving them as shock or anger.
Combined with the surge of new hormones, it’s no wonder your teen seems to constantly sigh, roll their eyes, and slam doors!
Understanding the Three R’s
Child psychologist Dr. Louise Porter, co-author of the Guidance Approach to Parenting, identifies that 75% of family disruptions stem from what Dr. Thomas Gordon called the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
How To Deal With Rebellion and Resistance In Your Teen: Resistance occurs when your child refuses to walk beside you at the mall, rebellion manifests when they prioritize a party over homework, and retaliation emerges when they are aggressive with siblings due to feeling misunderstood.
Why kids rebel: Teens’ defiant behavior is a reaction to the imposition of power and control, a classic activation of the 3 Rs. Their lack of control over emotions and bodies, coupled with a legitimate need for self-direction and autonomy, leads them to “act out.”
Understanding Teenage Rebellion: As parents, practicing empathy and understanding their perspective is crucial. To address challenging behaviors, we must provide the autonomy they crave while ensuring their safety and well-being.
7 Practical Tips for Managing Your Teen’s Behavior
Eliminating the 3Rs involves using the Guidance Approach to Parenting, avoiding triggering them with controlling discipline. My TEDx talk, “The Rebellion is Here: We Created It and We Can Solve It,” provides more insight into this process.
Here are practical tips that can make a world of difference:
In moments of heightened tension, it is advised to disengage. If the teenager appears defensive or upset, it is recommended to defer weighty conversations to a more opportune time. Providing them with space to collect their thoughts and regain composure can prove beneficial for both parties involved.
Establishing age-appropriate guidelines is essential.Granting adolescents the autonomy they seek involves setting guidelines that align with their respective ages. Recognizing that what is acceptable for a 13-year-old might be overly restrictive for a 16-year-old requires parental discernment. Collaborate with your teenager to formulate solutions, seeking mutual understanding to ensure everyone is on the same page. For instance, inquire, “Would you feel more comfortable if I allowed you to pursue your interests independently from 2-5 pm on Saturdays, as long as you inform me of your whereabouts and companions?”
Discovering common ground strengthens the parent-child bond.Identifying shared activities that both parties enjoy, such as watching a movie together, indulging in ice cream outings, or engaging in a favorite sport, fosters a positive atmosphere for meaningful connection. Encourage open communication by listening attentively when your teenager chooses to share aspects of their life.
Advocating a measured response over a reactive one is crucial.When your teenager confides in you, exercise restraint and avoid overreacting—particularly when it comes to topics like romantic interests. Shift away from the “my baby” perspective and offer objective advice, assuring your teenager that they can confide in you without judgment.
Choose language wisely to prevent defensiveness.Avoiding phrases like “You never” and “You always” is pivotal, as these tend to elicit defensiveness. Reframe statements to be non-accusatory; for example, instead of saying “You’re always late for school!” consider expressing concern by stating, “I’ve received reports about lateness from your school; is everything okay?”
Acknowledge and respect their privacy. Given the myriad changes occurring in their minds and bodies, teenagers often harbor heightened self-consciousness. Fostering trust entails refraining from intrusive behaviors such as snooping in bedrooms, phones, laptops, or social media. Building this trust empowers your teenager to confide in you willingly.
Facilitate understanding of physiological changes. Teens navigate physiological transformations more effectively when equipped with knowledge about what’s happening. If they are hesitant to discuss these changes with you, enlist the support of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor to ensure they receive the necessary guidance and information.
As your teenager navigates this complex period, providing the support they desperately need is critical.
In every situation, there are always two sides to every story…
Imagine going about your day when suddenly the phone rings. On the other end of the line – perhaps a concerned teacher or a camp counselor – you learn that your child is acting out. The immediate reaction is a flush of shame and embarrassment, assuming their account must be accurate.
When our children exhibit inappropriate behavior in public, our initial impulse is often to apologize on their behalf and then privately address the issue at home. But how often do we pause and ask for our child’s side of the story?
Listening to Children: An Overlooked Necessity
Anger and shame can often prevent parents from truly listening to their kids. I vividly recall a time when I was on my way to my daughter Pia’s Girl Scout camp. She had allegedly shoved another girl in a fight, leading to the camp counselor putting her in “detention” in one of the cottages.
Concerned and upset, I drove to the campground, questioning the situation. Knowing my daughter, I was skeptical. What was Pia’s unheard side of the story? How was she coping with the isolation and the perception of being the “bad one”?
As soon as I saw Pia, upset and sitting alone, I knew my gut feeling had been accurate. Asking her about the incident, she tearfully revealed, “I just want to go, I just want to go!” Despite her desire to leave, I was determined not to let her leave with a tarnished reputation without her side being understood.
Pia explained, “Mom, she was bullying me and calling me names in front of all the other girls. I was so embarrassed and humiliated, and I asked her over and over again to stop calling me names. But she wouldn’t stop bullying me!”
Understanding her perspective, I facilitated a reconciliation between the two girls, and Pia didn’t need to be in detention. The experience taught me a crucial life lesson: there are always two sides to every story.
The Importance of Listening to Your Child
Had I approached the situation with anger and humiliation, Pia would have felt attacked and misunderstood. It emphasized the importance of listening to our children, even when their actions seem inexcusable. Not every misstep is a misunderstanding, but there’s often an unmet need driving their behavior.
As parents, it’s our duty to set aside our own feelings of shame and always listen to our children. By doing so, we can not only resolve immediate issues but also foster trust and open communication for the future.
So, the next time you find yourself at the crossroads of parenting challenges, remember the simple yet profound truth: there are always two sides to every story. In embracing this wisdom, we not only nurture a deeper connection with our children but also empower them to navigate the complexities of life with resilience and grace.
When we attempt to manipulate our children’s conduct by rewarding actions categorized as “good” and penalizing those deemed “bad,” we set in motion the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.
But why?
Because rewarding “good” behavior conveys to our kids that they only deserve acknowledgment or affection when they meet specific objectives or conform to socially acceptable norms.
Conversely, when we discipline what is considered “bad” behavior, we neglect to address the underlying needs fueling the transgression.
Overlooking the messages inherent in our children’s actions unintentionally communicates that their feelings are inconsequential.
Relying on rewards and punishments fosters the notion that we are indifferent to their sadness, anger, or loneliness — we merely desire them to behave impeccably. Almost like robots.
I, too, was a product of unconscious parenting, compelled to discover how to honor my inner voice after years of suppressing my authentic self in the pursuit of “good” behavior.
Explore my personal journey and more in the full presentation, available for viewing right here.
Navigating the journey of parenthood often involves mastering the art of helping kids make decisions without stepping in to take control. It’s undoubtedly challenging, especially when we witness our children facing difficulties.
Whether you’ve…
Experienced the heart-wrenching moment of detaching from your child’s embrace on their first day of school,
Allowed them to cut their own bangs, anticipating the chaotic result,
Assisted the doctor in holding your baby firmly during a vaccination,
You’re familiar with the internal struggle parents face.
Seeing our children struggle is incredibly difficult, and there’s even scientific evidence to explain why adults find it nearly impossible to disregard a child’s cry. A University of Oxford study discovered that the adult brain is inherently programmed to react to the sound of a baby crying—regardless of parental status. This instinctual response makes it even harder for parents and caregivers to restrain themselves from intervening.
However, the real challenge lies in how to let go of hyperparenting and resist the impulse to swoop in like superheroes at the first sign of distress. When we’re too quick to “rescue” our kids from every challenge they encounter, we hinder their growth, learning autonomy, and deny them the self-confidence that comes with achieving success independently.
In this short video, I explore the importance of resisting the urge to take over for our kids:
So, the next time your child is distressed over a math assignment, a misunderstanding with a friend, or indecision about which college to attend, practice how to be a calmer parent and resist the urge to provide immediate solutions. Listen attentively, demonstrate empathy through both body language and presence, maintain eye contact, and put away your phone. Reflect on their feelings, for example, by saying, “It sounds like you thought you’d do better and feel really disappointed.” Verify your understanding and inquire if they have a preferred course of action or need further clarity on the next steps. Ask if they want you to just be present and support them as they work through the issue, or if they would like your advice. Then, step back and allow them to handle the situation independently.
Parents, I empathize with the pain of witnessing your kids struggle. However, sometimes how to stop rescuing your kids from their feelings and allowing them to face challenges is an essential aspect of good parenting. This process enables them to realize their resilience and capability, and we get the privilege of watching them rise and triumph.
A concerned mother of two adorable boys, aged 6 and 3, recently reached out to me about a growing issue in her household. Initially attributing the strife to her older son, she soon discovered it was the younger one incessantly testing his brother’s patience. The constant button-pushing and refusal to give his older sibling space have left her pondering how to address these challenges with two kids under 7.
– Trying to Create Space
Dear Trying to Create Space,
Your letter brought a smile to my face, highlighting a common oversight in attributing sibling mischief solely to the older child. Understanding the developmental stage of your toddler is crucial — with an incomplete frontal cortex, he struggles to grasp which actions may be upsetting, hence the joy in jumping all over his brother or tugging at his hair.
Nevertheless, instilling the importance of respecting boundaries early is key. Here are some tailored tips you might find helpful:
How To Stop Your Toddler From Hitting Older Siblings:
Create a “space bubble”by sitting your boys down and explaining the normalcy of needing alone time. Encourage them to identify moments they prefer solitude, making a game out of announcing “I’m going to the space bubble” when needed.
When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting:
Teach your boys to respect each other’s belongings, fostering sharing by asking permission before playing with toys or other items. It’s also essential to recognize that not sharing certain items is acceptable and part of being respectful.
How to Handle Aggressive Toddler:
Address the root cause of attention-seeking behaviors. Guide your 3-year-old to connect positively with his brother, emphasizing alternative ways to gain attention such as gentle touches, calling their name, or inviting them to play.
How to Discipline a Toddler:
Model effective communication within the family. Prompt your toddler to express his feelings and desires, fostering empathy and understanding. Encourage the use of phrases like “would you be willing” to convey requests rather than demands.
You know how it goes: suddenly your sweet toddler discovers this dreaded two-letter word and begins using it as much as possible — and then keeps using it for the next 16 years!
NO, she refuses to eat broccoli for dinner.
NO, he won’t put pants on.
NO, he doesn’t want to eat, sleep, or take a bath.
NO, she won’t say “I love you” to Grandma.
It’s perfectly natural for kids of all ages to not just do as they are told or follow orders — but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for parents and caregivers to deal with. That’s especially true when you don’t have the right tools to cope with and redirect this frustrating behavior.
Deconstructing Your Child’s “No”
Toddlers and teenagers are alike in their desire to assert their independence.
For toddlers, this defiance stems from them acknowledging their own individuality for the first time and trying to gain some control of their lives. They’re learning the basics of simple cause and effect and using this knowledge (combined with their newfound independence) to test their boundaries in every possible way:
If they push their sippy cup off their high chair, it will fall.
When they refuse to open their mouth to take a bite of carrot, they won’t have to eat it.
And if they say “no” to Mommy’s request for bath time — well, they may not get what they want, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try!
Teenagers also want more control, though for different reasons. They’re at a time in their lives when they lack control over their emotions and bodies and have a legitimate need for self direction and autonomy. Their reaction to any power and control being imposed over them is often to rebel, resist, and retaliate. (Psst — this is no different for younger children and adults. It is the human response, and children are people, too.)
As parents and caregivers, it’s our duty to empower our children to develop a solid sense of self. Healthy autonomy leads to confident adults capable of setting good boundaries, making wise decisions, and having fulfilling relationships with others.
How to Cope with Your Kid’s “No” Phase and How to Turn A No Into A Yes
You’re probably still wondering how you can possibly maintain your own sanity in the midst of all your kid’s never-ending “no” phase. Here are some strategies for dealing with defiant behavior, whether you have a toddler or a teenager:
1. Let your child practice healthy autonomy. Your child is craving self direction, so allow them to have it within reason.
When bedtime rolls around, ask your toddler if they’d rather bathe or brush their teeth first. To a certain extent, the same approach applies to your teen: instead of telling them to go do their chores right now, ask them if they’d rather mow the lawn or tidy up their room today.
Just be sure to include everyone in the conversations about how to help out so they always feel empowered as the one choosing.
If you didn’t arrive at the chores collaboratively, however, then start there first before you do anything else. Remember that if you are the one deciding who does what and your kids are supposed to line up and do it, you are likely to fail.
2. How to Get Your Child to Obey: Be vulnerable and ask for their help. Good news: you don’t always have to be a super mom or super dad!
Contrary to traditional belief, children respond positively to seeing their parents vulnerable. Letting your kid see that you’re human helps them relate to you better, so don’t be afraid to ask for their help when you need it.
Explain to your child that you’re extra tired from work today and will need them to pitch in around the house — whether it’s your toddler setting the table or your teen doing the dishes after dinner.
Kids like feeling helpful. Give them the opportunity to step up and meet someone else’s needs before they even think about saying “no.” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg used to say that there is a profound need for all humans to make a contribution, and we all are moved to meet this need. That includes all of us: children and adults.
3. Listen to what your child is saying “yes” to. When your child is saying “no” to one thing, they’re saying “yes” to something else — and it’s important to pay attention to what that is.
A no to you is a yes to something inside themselves. Get curious about what the yes is inside. Is it a need for choice? Rest? Belonging to or with someone?
Is your toddler refusing family movie night because she would rather play independently?
Is your teen saying no to tennis practice because he prefers to play violin?
Read between the lines to identify your child’s preferences so you can better understand their likes and dislikes.
4. Give your requests a positive spin. Think about how much better you respond to a positive request than a negative request. Kids are the same way, and they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Here are some examples of reframing a negative request positively:
Negative: You can’t go out with your friends until you’re done studying!
Positive: As soon as you’ve finished your homework, you’re more than welcome to go see your friends.
Negative: Stop yelling, you’re disturbing the neighbors!
Positive: I think our neighbors might be sleeping now, so let’s try to use our indoor voices.
5. Practice “No, thank you, because.” Teach your kids to identify what exactly they need in the moment when they’re refusing something else.
Help them practice saying, “No, thank you, I’d rather not _______ at the moment because _______.”
Effective communication prevents misunderstandings and temper tantrums, and leads to more positive interactions between parents and children.
Don’t let your child’s endless “nos” defeat you. As their parent or caregiver, you have the power to promote harmony and understanding to help everyone in the family through these challenging phases.
You can imagine if it’s difficult for us to hear no, it’s also difficult for our kids to hear no too!! It’s tough! Also if we’re saying no a lot then they learned it from us!
Are you wondering why your teen suddenly wants nothing to do with you?
Your sweet child who once made you rub their back every night until they fell asleep may now barely even want to be seen with you. This is part of Surviving Your Teen’s Individuation Process, a complex developmental stage known as individuation.
According to physician and psychiatrist Margaret Mahler, a child’s life begins in a symbiotic relationship with their primary caregiver before they eventually realize their separateness and form an autonomous identity.
This process of individuation often results in classic adolescent behavior: a need for space, an increased awareness of their peers, and volatile emotions. Sound familiar?
As difficult as it is for parents to feel their children drifting away, it’s important not to take it personally. Your child is going through a perfectly natural development in their lives—and it’s critical to give them the support they need so they can grow to be an autonomous and well-adjusted adult.
How can we Help Teens Become Successful Adults (and support ourselves) through this new phase of development?
What your child needs at age 7 will no longer apply to this stage in life. As our kids transition into adolescence and adulthood, we must make adjustments to our parenting, too.
3 Parenting Shifts to Support Your Teen’s Individuation
Transition from “manager” to “consultant.”
As caregivers, we’re used to doing everything for our kids: feeding them, bathing them, tucking them in at night, and all things in between.
Now that your kid is a teenager, it’s time to step back from your managerial role. Your teen needs to learn How to let teens learn to be adults—so let them.
Fostering healthy autonomy involves giving your teen the space to make their own decisions, even if that means they dye their hair blue or pick a college far from home.
Of course, stepping back as a parent isn’t about becoming permissive or detached; it’s about taking on more of a consultancy role than a managerial role. The tradeoff when we let go of “power over” is that we gain influence.
Rather than giving directions, provide opinions or suggestions. Ask your teen questions instead of telling them what to do. Let them know that you’re there to guide them as they walk their own path.
Encourage their curiosity about what’s fair and right.
Kids of all ages are deeply concerned with fairness. Just think about how many times you’ve heard your child shout, “It’s not fair!” over the years.
Why not put a positive spin on this preoccupation and encourage your teen to explore fairness and justice on a wider scale?
Talk to them about world issues like gender inequality and systemic racism. Understanding bigger concepts of fairness and unfairness will help them determine what’s fair and right in micro settings like school, friend groups, and even at home.
Lean into the hard conversations.
Talking to your kid about topics like religion, politics, drugs, or sex can be uncomfortable—but these are the conversations you need to be having! Accept the discomfort and power through.
If, for example, you’re watching a movie and a controversial theme pops up, don’t just clear your throat and dismiss it. Encourage conversation, listen to what your teen has to say, and share your own opinion. Let them know you’re their safe space for addressing challenging topics head-on.
A child’s shift into adolescence and adulthood can be a tumultuous time. But if we commit to growing with them and shifting our parenting approach by Helping Your Teen Become an Adult and Adulting With Your Teen, we can help make this transition as smooth and manageable as possible.
Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.
Dear Katherine,
My 10-year-old daughter and I recently had a bit of an altercation. It all started when my two daughters got into an argument over a dress. The younger one really wanted to borrow it, and their disagreement spilled over into my work-from-home space. To be completely honest, I was swamped with looming deadlines and was just about to hop on an important call. In the midst of this chaos, I made a quick decision and told my older daughter to let her younger sister borrow the dress.
In response, my older daughter burst into tears and yelled at me, insisting that I didn’t take her feelings seriously.
Needless to say, I’m utterly devastated. As a parent, I never want my kids to feel dismissed or unheard. So, I turn to you, Dear Katherine, seeking guidance on how to navigate this challenging situation.
— A Parent Trying to Balance Serious Responsibilities
Dear Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent,
I can certainly empathize with your predicament. As a working mom myself, I’ve experienced the constant juggling act of balancing work commitments with the needs of my children. I understand what it’s like to feel stressed and overwhelmed, struggling to find that precious undivided attention for our kids.
I want you to know that it’s clear you didn’t intend to come off as dismissive. Your immediate reaction, filled with regret and sorrow, reflects your sincere commitment as a parent who deeply cares about doing right by your children.
It’s essential to recognize that parents, just like anyone else, are imperfect individuals navigating an imperfect world. However, despite life’s imperfections, it remains our fundamental duty to create a nurturing and secure environment where our children feel truly seen, heard, and supported. Read my five key practices that can help your child:
What You Can Do to Help Your Child Feel Supported: Begin by apologizing to your child. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, express your regret that they were hurt. Encourage them to share what made them feel disregarded and reaffirm your love and commitment to taking their feelings seriously.
Positive attention and your child: When your child seeks your attention, pause and observe your response. Avoid distractions like tapping your foot or looking at your phone. Offer a minute or two of undivided attention, and if you can’t provide it immediately, schedule dedicated “Mommy and Me” time later in the day.
Ways to Make Each of Your Children Feel Seen: Rather than rushing to find solutions, validate your child’s emotions. Ask them if they’re feeling sad and if they’d like to talk about it. Teach them the importance of acknowledging and understanding their feelings as messengers of their needs.
Heard, and Supported: While recognizing emotions is crucial, it’s equally important to guide your child in managing their feelings. Help them understand that negative emotions don’t justify negative behavior. Encourage them to find constructive ways to cope with their emotions.
It’s important to remember that parenting is a journey filled with its share of challenges and imperfections. As caregivers, we often find ourselves straddling the demands of our daily lives while striving to provide the love and support our children need. The situation you described, like many others, was undoubtedly a moment of stress and chaos.
However, it’s through such moments that we have the opportunity to strengthen the bonds with our children. By acknowledging their emotions, offering genuine apologies, and making intentional efforts to provide undivided attention, we can create an environment where our children feel valued, heard, and supported. This is the essence of conscious parenting—a journey where we continuously learn and grow alongside our children, nurturing not only their emotions but also the profound connections that make our families strong. Keep these practices in your heart, and you’ll find yourself on a path of fostering deep understanding and resilience within your family.
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