Katherine Sellery, CEO and Founder of Conscious Parenting Revolution, helps individuals minimize misunderstandings and melt-downs in order to communicate with more collaboration, cooperation, and consideration.
Navigating the journey of parenthood often involves mastering the art of helping kids make decisions without stepping in to take control. It’s undoubtedly challenging, especially when we witness our children facing difficulties.
Whether you’ve…
Experienced the heart-wrenching moment of detaching from your child’s embrace on their first day of school,
Allowed them to cut their own bangs, anticipating the chaotic result,
Assisted the doctor in holding your baby firmly during a vaccination,
You’re familiar with the internal struggle parents face.
Seeing our children struggle is incredibly difficult, and there’s even scientific evidence to explain why adults find it nearly impossible to disregard a child’s cry. A University of Oxford study discovered that the adult brain is inherently programmed to react to the sound of a baby crying—regardless of parental status. This instinctual response makes it even harder for parents and caregivers to restrain themselves from intervening.
However, the real challenge lies in how to let go of hyperparenting and resist the impulse to swoop in like superheroes at the first sign of distress. When we’re too quick to “rescue” our kids from every challenge they encounter, we hinder their growth, learning autonomy, and deny them the self-confidence that comes with achieving success independently.
In this short video, I explore the importance of resisting the urge to take over for our kids:
So, the next time your child is distressed over a math assignment, a misunderstanding with a friend, or indecision about which college to attend, practice how to be a calmer parent and resist the urge to provide immediate solutions. Listen attentively, demonstrate empathy through both body language and presence, maintain eye contact, and put away your phone. Reflect on their feelings, for example, by saying, “It sounds like you thought you’d do better and feel really disappointed.” Verify your understanding and inquire if they have a preferred course of action or need further clarity on the next steps. Ask if they want you to just be present and support them as they work through the issue, or if they would like your advice. Then, step back and allow them to handle the situation independently.
Parents, I empathize with the pain of witnessing your kids struggle. However, sometimes how to stop rescuing your kids from their feelings and allowing them to face challenges is an essential aspect of good parenting. This process enables them to realize their resilience and capability, and we get the privilege of watching them rise and triumph.
A concerned mother of two adorable boys, aged 6 and 3, recently reached out to me about a growing issue in her household. Initially attributing the strife to her older son, she soon discovered it was the younger one incessantly testing his brother’s patience. The constant button-pushing and refusal to give his older sibling space have left her pondering how to address these challenges with two kids under 7.
– Trying to Create Space
Dear Trying to Create Space,
Your letter brought a smile to my face, highlighting a common oversight in attributing sibling mischief solely to the older child. Understanding the developmental stage of your toddler is crucial — with an incomplete frontal cortex, he struggles to grasp which actions may be upsetting, hence the joy in jumping all over his brother or tugging at his hair.
Nevertheless, instilling the importance of respecting boundaries early is key. Here are some tailored tips you might find helpful:
How To Stop Your Toddler From Hitting Older Siblings:
Create a “space bubble”by sitting your boys down and explaining the normalcy of needing alone time. Encourage them to identify moments they prefer solitude, making a game out of announcing “I’m going to the space bubble” when needed.
When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting:
Teach your boys to respect each other’s belongings, fostering sharing by asking permission before playing with toys or other items. It’s also essential to recognize that not sharing certain items is acceptable and part of being respectful.
How to Handle Aggressive Toddler:
Address the root cause of attention-seeking behaviors. Guide your 3-year-old to connect positively with his brother, emphasizing alternative ways to gain attention such as gentle touches, calling their name, or inviting them to play.
How to Discipline a Toddler:
Model effective communication within the family. Prompt your toddler to express his feelings and desires, fostering empathy and understanding. Encourage the use of phrases like “would you be willing” to convey requests rather than demands.
You know how it goes: suddenly your sweet toddler discovers this dreaded two-letter word and begins using it as much as possible — and then keeps using it for the next 16 years!
NO, she refuses to eat broccoli for dinner.
NO, he won’t put pants on.
NO, he doesn’t want to eat, sleep, or take a bath.
NO, she won’t say “I love you” to Grandma.
It’s perfectly natural for kids of all ages to not just do as they are told or follow orders — but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for parents and caregivers to deal with. That’s especially true when you don’t have the right tools to cope with and redirect this frustrating behavior.
Deconstructing Your Child’s “No”
Toddlers and teenagers are alike in their desire to assert their independence.
For toddlers, this defiance stems from them acknowledging their own individuality for the first time and trying to gain some control of their lives. They’re learning the basics of simple cause and effect and using this knowledge (combined with their newfound independence) to test their boundaries in every possible way:
If they push their sippy cup off their high chair, it will fall.
When they refuse to open their mouth to take a bite of carrot, they won’t have to eat it.
And if they say “no” to Mommy’s request for bath time — well, they may not get what they want, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try!
Teenagers also want more control, though for different reasons. They’re at a time in their lives when they lack control over their emotions and bodies and have a legitimate need for self direction and autonomy. Their reaction to any power and control being imposed over them is often to rebel, resist, and retaliate. (Psst — this is no different for younger children and adults. It is the human response, and children are people, too.)
As parents and caregivers, it’s our duty to empower our children to develop a solid sense of self. Healthy autonomy leads to confident adults capable of setting good boundaries, making wise decisions, and having fulfilling relationships with others.
How to Cope with Your Kid’s “No” Phase and How to Turn A No Into A Yes
You’re probably still wondering how you can possibly maintain your own sanity in the midst of all your kid’s never-ending “no” phase. Here are some strategies for dealing with defiant behavior, whether you have a toddler or a teenager:
1. Let your child practice healthy autonomy. Your child is craving self direction, so allow them to have it within reason.
When bedtime rolls around, ask your toddler if they’d rather bathe or brush their teeth first. To a certain extent, the same approach applies to your teen: instead of telling them to go do their chores right now, ask them if they’d rather mow the lawn or tidy up their room today.
Just be sure to include everyone in the conversations about how to help out so they always feel empowered as the one choosing.
If you didn’t arrive at the chores collaboratively, however, then start there first before you do anything else. Remember that if you are the one deciding who does what and your kids are supposed to line up and do it, you are likely to fail.
2. How to Get Your Child to Obey: Be vulnerable and ask for their help. Good news: you don’t always have to be a super mom or super dad!
Contrary to traditional belief, children respond positively to seeing their parents vulnerable. Letting your kid see that you’re human helps them relate to you better, so don’t be afraid to ask for their help when you need it.
Explain to your child that you’re extra tired from work today and will need them to pitch in around the house — whether it’s your toddler setting the table or your teen doing the dishes after dinner.
Kids like feeling helpful. Give them the opportunity to step up and meet someone else’s needs before they even think about saying “no.” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg used to say that there is a profound need for all humans to make a contribution, and we all are moved to meet this need. That includes all of us: children and adults.
3. Listen to what your child is saying “yes” to. When your child is saying “no” to one thing, they’re saying “yes” to something else — and it’s important to pay attention to what that is.
A no to you is a yes to something inside themselves. Get curious about what the yes is inside. Is it a need for choice? Rest? Belonging to or with someone?
Is your toddler refusing family movie night because she would rather play independently?
Is your teen saying no to tennis practice because he prefers to play violin?
Read between the lines to identify your child’s preferences so you can better understand their likes and dislikes.
4. Give your requests a positive spin. Think about how much better you respond to a positive request than a negative request. Kids are the same way, and they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Here are some examples of reframing a negative request positively:
Negative: You can’t go out with your friends until you’re done studying!
Positive: As soon as you’ve finished your homework, you’re more than welcome to go see your friends.
Negative: Stop yelling, you’re disturbing the neighbors!
Positive: I think our neighbors might be sleeping now, so let’s try to use our indoor voices.
5. Practice “No, thank you, because.” Teach your kids to identify what exactly they need in the moment when they’re refusing something else.
Help them practice saying, “No, thank you, I’d rather not _______ at the moment because _______.”
Effective communication prevents misunderstandings and temper tantrums, and leads to more positive interactions between parents and children.
Don’t let your child’s endless “nos” defeat you. As their parent or caregiver, you have the power to promote harmony and understanding to help everyone in the family through these challenging phases.
You can imagine if it’s difficult for us to hear no, it’s also difficult for our kids to hear no too!! It’s tough! Also if we’re saying no a lot then they learned it from us!
Are you wondering why your teen suddenly wants nothing to do with you?
Your sweet child who once made you rub their back every night until they fell asleep may now barely even want to be seen with you. This is part of Surviving Your Teen’s Individuation Process, a complex developmental stage known as individuation.
According to physician and psychiatrist Margaret Mahler, a child’s life begins in a symbiotic relationship with their primary caregiver before they eventually realize their separateness and form an autonomous identity.
This process of individuation often results in classic adolescent behavior: a need for space, an increased awareness of their peers, and volatile emotions. Sound familiar?
As difficult as it is for parents to feel their children drifting away, it’s important not to take it personally. Your child is going through a perfectly natural development in their lives—and it’s critical to give them the support they need so they can grow to be an autonomous and well-adjusted adult.
How can we Help Teens Become Successful Adults (and support ourselves) through this new phase of development?
What your child needs at age 7 will no longer apply to this stage in life. As our kids transition into adolescence and adulthood, we must make adjustments to our parenting, too.
3 Parenting Shifts to Support Your Teen’s Individuation
Transition from “manager” to “consultant.”
As caregivers, we’re used to doing everything for our kids: feeding them, bathing them, tucking them in at night, and all things in between.
Now that your kid is a teenager, it’s time to step back from your managerial role. Your teen needs to learn How to let teens learn to be adults—so let them.
Fostering healthy autonomy involves giving your teen the space to make their own decisions, even if that means they dye their hair blue or pick a college far from home.
Of course, stepping back as a parent isn’t about becoming permissive or detached; it’s about taking on more of a consultancy role than a managerial role. The tradeoff when we let go of “power over” is that we gain influence.
Rather than giving directions, provide opinions or suggestions. Ask your teen questions instead of telling them what to do. Let them know that you’re there to guide them as they walk their own path.
Encourage their curiosity about what’s fair and right.
Kids of all ages are deeply concerned with fairness. Just think about how many times you’ve heard your child shout, “It’s not fair!” over the years.
Why not put a positive spin on this preoccupation and encourage your teen to explore fairness and justice on a wider scale?
Talk to them about world issues like gender inequality and systemic racism. Understanding bigger concepts of fairness and unfairness will help them determine what’s fair and right in micro settings like school, friend groups, and even at home.
Lean into the hard conversations.
Talking to your kid about topics like religion, politics, drugs, or sex can be uncomfortable—but these are the conversations you need to be having! Accept the discomfort and power through.
If, for example, you’re watching a movie and a controversial theme pops up, don’t just clear your throat and dismiss it. Encourage conversation, listen to what your teen has to say, and share your own opinion. Let them know you’re their safe space for addressing challenging topics head-on.
A child’s shift into adolescence and adulthood can be a tumultuous time. But if we commit to growing with them and shifting our parenting approach by Helping Your Teen Become an Adult and Adulting With Your Teen, we can help make this transition as smooth and manageable as possible.
Hello, Conscious Parent! Welcome to “Dear Katherine,” a Q&A with real-life parents/caregivers. If you’d like to submit a question of your own, email me at katherine@consciousparentingrevolution.com.
Dear Katherine,
My 10-year-old daughter and I recently had a bit of an altercation. It all started when my two daughters got into an argument over a dress. The younger one really wanted to borrow it, and their disagreement spilled over into my work-from-home space. To be completely honest, I was swamped with looming deadlines and was just about to hop on an important call. In the midst of this chaos, I made a quick decision and told my older daughter to let her younger sister borrow the dress.
In response, my older daughter burst into tears and yelled at me, insisting that I didn’t take her feelings seriously.
Needless to say, I’m utterly devastated. As a parent, I never want my kids to feel dismissed or unheard. So, I turn to you, Dear Katherine, seeking guidance on how to navigate this challenging situation.
— A Parent Trying to Balance Serious Responsibilities
Dear Very Serious (But Very Busy) Parent,
I can certainly empathize with your predicament. As a working mom myself, I’ve experienced the constant juggling act of balancing work commitments with the needs of my children. I understand what it’s like to feel stressed and overwhelmed, struggling to find that precious undivided attention for our kids.
I want you to know that it’s clear you didn’t intend to come off as dismissive. Your immediate reaction, filled with regret and sorrow, reflects your sincere commitment as a parent who deeply cares about doing right by your children.
It’s essential to recognize that parents, just like anyone else, are imperfect individuals navigating an imperfect world. However, despite life’s imperfections, it remains our fundamental duty to create a nurturing and secure environment where our children feel truly seen, heard, and supported. Read my five key practices that can help your child:
What You Can Do to Help Your Child Feel Supported: Begin by apologizing to your child. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, express your regret that they were hurt. Encourage them to share what made them feel disregarded and reaffirm your love and commitment to taking their feelings seriously.
Positive attention and your child: When your child seeks your attention, pause and observe your response. Avoid distractions like tapping your foot or looking at your phone. Offer a minute or two of undivided attention, and if you can’t provide it immediately, schedule dedicated “Mommy and Me” time later in the day.
Ways to Make Each of Your Children Feel Seen: Rather than rushing to find solutions, validate your child’s emotions. Ask them if they’re feeling sad and if they’d like to talk about it. Teach them the importance of acknowledging and understanding their feelings as messengers of their needs.
Heard, and Supported: While recognizing emotions is crucial, it’s equally important to guide your child in managing their feelings. Help them understand that negative emotions don’t justify negative behavior. Encourage them to find constructive ways to cope with their emotions.
It’s important to remember that parenting is a journey filled with its share of challenges and imperfections. As caregivers, we often find ourselves straddling the demands of our daily lives while striving to provide the love and support our children need. The situation you described, like many others, was undoubtedly a moment of stress and chaos.
However, it’s through such moments that we have the opportunity to strengthen the bonds with our children. By acknowledging their emotions, offering genuine apologies, and making intentional efforts to provide undivided attention, we can create an environment where our children feel valued, heard, and supported. This is the essence of conscious parenting—a journey where we continuously learn and grow alongside our children, nurturing not only their emotions but also the profound connections that make our families strong. Keep these practices in your heart, and you’ll find yourself on a path of fostering deep understanding and resilience within your family.
So honored to be invited to the Amazon TV studio to share the importance of Conscious Parenting for busy executives whose workplace is impacted by their Homelife! Explored simple ways to eliminate the 3R’s (retaliation, rebellion, and resistance) that impact harmony and ease at home and at work! As well as the all-important “self-started behavioral change” which is a home run for everyone!!
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Back-to-School Anxiety is a common challenge many children face as they navigate significant transitions. It’s vital to address Back-to-School Anxiety head-on to ensure a smooth transition back to the classroom. Here are some valuable insights to assist both you and your child in Coping with Back to School Anxiety effectively:
1. Talk about Back-to-School Anxiety:
Back-to-School anxiety is normal during significant transitions, but open communication is key to easing these worries. Encourage your child to verbalize how they feel about going back to school, and tell them to get as specific as they can about what they’re afraid of. Are they worried about getting sick? Unsure what to expect when it comes to protocols and regulations?
Resist the urge to downplay your kid’s fears to protect them. Honesty is always the best policy. Assure them, however, that the teachers and administrators at their school are there to keep them safe.
2. Review Safety Regulations for Coping with Back-to-School Anxiety Together:
Did your kid’s school provide a list of safety regulations to follow? Review the list together and make sure you understand all the rules before school starts. Are there fire exits to review? Policies on drop-off or pick-up? If you can, print a map of the school and mark where you’ll meet your child after school.
3. Focus on Coping with Back to School Anxiety and Getting Bigger Than What’s Bugging Them:
First, acknowledge your child’s feelings and support them to get to the underlying unmet needs from which the feelings arise. If kids learn to orient toward all their feelings with interested curiosity, they are able to be with all the feelings in a healthy way!
Feelings arise, and they are telling us something about our needs either being met or unmet. With this vantage point, they learn to get bigger than what is bugging them and be aware of the feelings’ message rather than merged or identified with the feeling!
If they are interpreting feelings without this knowledge, they may have negative thoughts about feelings; however, feelings are not negative or positive, our interpretations of the feelings, on the other hand, can be positive or negative. If kids learn how to be grounded and with any feeling just as it is, without putting thoughts on it, then they truly are capable of experiencing feelings as guideposts.
4. Build a Routine for Coping with Back-to-School Anxiety:
Kids need consistency and predictability to feel secure—especially in difficult times. Establish a daily routine with your child that revolves around waking up, eating breakfast, going to school, doing homework, and so forth. Add time to debrief with your kid about their day at school and use that opportunity to check in to see how they’re adjusting.
5. Exhibit Peaceful Energy When Coping with Back to School Anxiety:
Kids are quick to mirror what their parents are feeling. So try your best to exhibit calmness and confidence when talking about going back to school.
If you need help navigating your own emotions through this transition, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team for support.
Parents, we’ve lived through a couple of insane years; be patient with yourself and your children. We’re all in this together!
In the face of Back-to-School Anxiety, proactive communication, safety awareness, and emotional support can make all the difference. By following these effective coping tips, you can empower your child to thrive during this transition. Remember, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Together, we can ensure a smoother return to school for both you and your child.
Parents, we’ve weathered some extraordinary challenges, but by fostering resilience and offering unwavering support, we can navigate this journey successfully. Let’s embrace the upcoming school year with confidence and optimism—we’re all in this together!
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I have an 11-year-old granddaughter whose emotions are all over the place. Recently, she came home from school in an especially angry mood. I could tell something had happened, but when I asked her about it, she yelled that it was none of my business and slammed the door in my face.
Why is my granddaughter moody? What should I do? Should I give her space? I never know how to respond to her in situations like this.
Love,
Concerned Grams
Dear Concerned Grams,
First, I want to give you some good news: “bad” behavior at home means a child feels certain they’re loved no matter what.
Your granddaughter knows she can let her hair down and be difficult in front of you because you’ve created a safe place for her to fall apart. If she were to exhibit mood swings in children, this kind of behavior at school would be a symptom of a much bigger problem.
But Concerned Grams, I know this assurance doesn’t fix the problem you’re having.
What you and your granddaughter are experiencing is a classic communication breakdown. Neither of you has the necessary tools to reach the other, so you’re caught in a rut of ill-expressed feelings, hurt, and reasons a child has mood swings unmet needs.
Here’s the thing to keep in mind: children don’t have the sophisticated vocabulary or the maturity to identify their unmet needs. So 99% of the time, a child’s default reaction to emotional discomfort is to fall apart crying, screaming, kicking—or all three!
As the adults in the room, it’s our job to teach kids to self-regulate their emotions and effectively express what they need. Here’s what I recommend:
Depersonalize.
No matter how personal your granddaughter’s behavior may feel to you, know that it’s not about you. Her yelling and slamming doors are symptoms of her own pain, and nothing else. As Marshall Rosenberg once said, “Never listen to the words people say.” Your grandchild’s angry words will only trigger you. So when you feel emotions begin to rise, allow yourself self-empathy and self-compassion. Take a pause and step back. Once you’ve depersonalized, then you’ll be ready to re-engage.
Lead them out.
Once both you and your granddaughter have achieved a level of calmness, open a line of communication in a gentle, leading way. If you suspect the problem stems from friendships at school, for example, start with something like: “It seems like you’re feeling so distraught. You need to be seen as who you are, to be acknowledged and included, to have security in your relationships. Do you feel like one of your friends isn’t meeting these needs?” Then listen to her response—with compassion and without judgment.
Help them name their unmet needs.
Because children have trouble identifying their unmet needs, they blame external factors for how they feel.
If they’re excluded from a party invitation, for example, they feel so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the underlying unmet need (i.e. the need for belonging and friendship) goes unresolved.
Help your granddaughter express, “I feel…because my needs aren’t being met,” instead of letting factors she can’t control dictate how she feels inside.
Concerned Grams, when a kid is hurt, sad, or distressed, they have no idea how to reconnect in a meaningful way with those around them. But your concern is the first step to dealing with your child’s mood swings helping your granddaughter through whatever difficulties she’s experiencing.
Perhaps your child exhibits a hesitancy to participate fully in class activities or takes a little extra time to warm up to unfamiliar places or people.
Maybe they prefer independent activities like reading or drawing over engaging in group play with their peers. As parents and caregivers, it’s natural to wonder about our children’s self-confidence.
Developing self-assuredness is a crucial aspect of their journey to becoming well-adjusted and self-reliant adults. It’s important to note, however, that shyness doesn’t necessarily equate to insecurity or a lack of confidence.
Sometimes, a child might simply have a more introverted disposition, and that’s perfectly normal.
Embracing the Introverted Nature
In the thought-provoking book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” Susan Cain explores how society often underestimates the value of introversion, even though over one-third of the population consists of introverts. My child is shy but that doesn’t mean they lack qualities that are highly admirable. Traits like empathetic listening, thoughtfulness, and self-reliance often flourish in introverts. Due to their preference for independent pursuits, introverts may exhibit a greater sense of self-direction and autonomy compared to their extroverted counterparts.
Supporting Your Child’s Journey
1. Fostering a Nurturing Environment
Many children’s activities tend to favor extroverted personalities. It’s vital for parents and caregivers to establish environments where my child is shy doesn’t translate to feeling overlooked. If group activities make your child uncomfortable, consider suggesting one-on-one or small group interactions as an alternative. Is it normal for kids to be really shy? Absolutely. Additionally, many introverts find solace in written expression. Encourage your child to start a journal where they can express themselves, or even connect them with a pen pal from a distant location. Thinking outside the box can help your introverted child thrive.
2. Honoring Their Authenticity
Encouraging your child to form friendships is essential, but it’s crucial to do so without trying to alter their natural tendencies. My daughter is extremely shy, and that’s perfectly okay. Allow your child the freedom to connect with others in ways that resonate with them. They might not be the most outspoken individual in their class, yet they could become a cherished companion to a neighbor or family friend. Empower them to make their own choices about who they open up to.
3. Amplifying Their Voice
Assertiveness doesn’t always manifest as being loud or talkative. Encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings assertively, especially if they’re experiencing bullying or being overlooked. Remind them that they can always turn to you to discuss whatever is on their mind.
4. Celebrating the Gift of Introversion
In a world that sometimes elevates extroversion, it’s important to recognize the true worth of introversion. Share stories of successful introverts—writers, composers, artists, and even politicians. Remind your child that each individual possesses a unique set of gifts that contribute to society at large. Ways to help an introverted child are varied and valuable. Embrace introversion as a positive trait. When someone comments about your child being “shy,” educate them that quiet doesn’t necessarily mean insecure. How to Raise a Confident Introverted Child involves nurturing their strengths and individuality.
As you navigate the path of nurturing your child’s introverted nature, remember that embracing their authenticity and allowing them to flourish at their own pace is a gift that will benefit them throughout life.
Your child’s introversion is a beautiful trait that, when nurtured, can lead to a future filled with self-assuredness, creativity, and meaningful contributions to the world around them.
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