Author: Katherine Sellery

Dear Katherine,

Our second baby arrived shortly before the pandemic began. While my older son seems to care for his baby brother, I worry that alongside the major adjustment of having a new baby, he might link his brother’s arrival with the negative aspects of the pandemic. Considering my son’s strong-willed and opinionated nature, these events have understandably added stress. I‘m seeking advice on how to support him and help him navigate these two major life changes separately.

Sincerely,
Bad Timing

Bad Timing,

In challenging times, our hearts go out to you. It seems like your older son is navigating through big life changes, and we commend you for empathizing with him during this trying period for your entire family.

Raising more than one child introduces a world of both joy and challenges. As supportive parents, our ultimate desire is for our children to harmonize, but older kids may face difficulties adjusting to sharing attention and affection with a new sibling. This adjustment period is normal, and in your case, it’s compounded by a couple of other factors.

Primarily, your older son’s strong-willed nature adds complexity. Autonomous children, by nature, might attract disapproval, especially when adjusting to sharing attention. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as negative attention reinforces his feeling of favoritism towards his younger brother.

Adding to the complexity, your older son’s world was disrupted by the pandemic shortly after his baby brother arrived. Apart from adapting to the routine shifts with a new baby, he also had to navigate the stress of COVID-19.

So, how can you navigate these challenges and how to help kids cope with major life changes?

The initial step is recognizing the unmet need causing tension within your older son. While he loves his brother, he likely needs reassurance that your love for him remains unchanged despite the new addition to the family.

Once he understands that gaining a brother doesn’t mean losing anything, he may view the situation positively, separating it from the negativity of the pandemic.

Here are parenting tips to assist you during this adjustment period and how would you support your child:

• Schedule one-on-one time: Dedicate time exclusively for your older son, reassuring him that there’s enough love and affection for everyone.
• Explain the candle metaphor: Illustrate your love for both children using a lit candle, showing that the brightness of one doesn’t diminish when the other enters your heart.
• Be more communicative: Acknowledge your busy schedule and, when one-on-one time is challenging, express anticipation for the next special moment. This verbal reassurance boosts his self-worth and emphasizes your love.

In your situation, Bad Timing, your strong-willed son’s expression of need signals a strong foundation in your relationship. Embrace these moments for growth and connection.

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

With President’s Weekend upon us in the United States, it’s an opportune moment to delve into the essence of communication. Whether steering a household or a country, exceptional leadership finds its roots in effective communication.

A timeless biblical verse resonates, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” underscoring the profound impact words hold. The Conscious Parenting Revolution places a pivotal emphasis on the Art of Compassionate Communication. Within our core teachings, we empower parents and children alike with methods and tools for listening with love and speaking from the heart, fostering the repair of family relationships.

Central to our conscious parenting philosophy is the practice of supportive communication. This approach aims to uplift rather than tear down, irrespective of the circumstances — be it calm or stressful, charged or joyful.

For those moments when words seem elusive in communicating with your children, consider integrating some basic conscious parenting language for effective and nurturing communication.

Situation: You’re caught in an argument or a tense circumstance.
CPR Language: Instead of “You always” or “You never,” say “It seems/feels.”

When faced with a potential argument, take a step back. Rather than accusatory statements like “You never clean your room,” opt for a less aggressive approach such as “It seems that you’re having a hard time keeping your room tidy.” The shift from absolutes like “never” and “always” helps foster an open dialogue, encouraging your child to express the root of the issue.

Situation: A celebratory occasion, such as your child receiving high grades at school.
CPR Language: Instead of, “You’re so smart,” say, “Congratulations! I admire how hard you worked on that!”

Emphasizing acknowledgement over praise is a communication method we advocate. Rather than praising intelligence or appearance, celebrate the effort with statements like “Congratulations! I admire how hard you worked on that!” Acknowledgement fosters a connection to their own sense of accomplishment, promoting self-awareness.

Situation: Your child exhibited bad behavior.
CPR Language: Instead of, “As punishment you’ll…,” say, “Can you tell me what made you act/react in this way?”

Addressing bad behavior requires understanding its root. Instead of resorting to punishment, inquire about the cause. Was there a misunderstanding or an unmet need? This approach facilitates finding solutions together, emphasizing connection over judgment.

Situation: Describing your kid’s behavior.
CPR Language: Instead of, “You’re a mess,” say, “You made a mess.”

Distinguish between describing behavior and labeling the child. Use non-blameful descriptions to avoid undermining self-confidence or self-love. “You made a mess” focuses on the action, steering clear of negative labels.

Situation: You lost your temper/lashed out/made a mistake.
CPR Language: “I’m sorry.”

Contrary to traditional parenting beliefs, apologizing to children acknowledges our humanity. Saying “I’m sorry” communicates accountability and sets the stage for mending and healing.

In the realm of conscious parenting, words wield the power to bring comfort or devastation, joy or pain. Let us strive to communicate with our children using the love and compassion they inherently deserve. And finally, it’s essential to reflect on the question: How do you practice compassionate communication?

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

Happy Valentine’s Day from CPR!

Valentine’s Day, celebrated on February 14th, holds a special place in the heart of many, including myself. Fond memories flood back of dressing my children in red and sending them off to school with cards for each classmate in hand. The vibrant energy, adorned decorations, and the ethos of spreading love resonate deeply with me. Transitioning seamlessly from the joyous festivities of Chinese New Year to Valentine’s Day has always been a delight!

For my fellow Conscious Parents in the US or EU, you may not be aware that the final day of the Chinese Lunar New Year mirrors the spirit of Valentine’s Day in many ways. In Hong Kong, where I’ve lived as an expat for over 30 years, young women stroll through neighborhoods, admiring the array of decorative lanterns, hoping to find a sweetheart amidst the post-New Year celebrations. The cherished traditions of this holiday continue to hold a special place in my heart.

Valentine’s Day presents an opportunity for families to forge their own traditions and to practice the art of meeting one another with love. During this season, I often find myself reflecting on the timeless message conveyed by Marshall Rosenberg’s rendition of “See Me Beautiful.” His heartfelt plea for love despite imperfections resonates deeply with the parenting journey we embark upon. Let us celebrate not only the unconditional love shared with our significant others but also the love extended to our children, families, and communities.

See me beautiful, look for the best in me
That’s what I really am and all I want to be
It may take some time
It may be hard to find
But see me beautiful
See me beautiful, each and every day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s also a time to exchange heartfelt valentine’s day gifts and share tender valentine’s day messages with our loved ones, further strengthening the bonds of affection and appreciation.

May these holidays serve as a reminder to embrace new beginnings and to recognize the beauty within each individual.

From the depths of my heart, wherever you may be in the world: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

February marks the observance of Black History Month or African American History Month, providing an opportunity to spotlight, honor, and commemorate the remarkable contributions made by the Black community to science, the arts, politics, and social justice.

Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King exemplify the transformative power of non-violent conflict resolution, their lives serving as ongoing inspiration and guiding lights for our collective journey.

The trio of Katherine Johnson, Dorothy Vaughan, and Mary Jackson, celebrated in the film Hidden Figures, played pivotal roles in the historic launch of John Glenn into orbit, showcasing the brilliance and resilience of Black women in the face of adversity.

In understanding why we celebrate Black History Month, it becomes evident that it is a time to acknowledge and appreciate the profound impact Black individuals have had throughout history.

Moreover, why celebrating Black History Month is important lies in recognizing the often-overlooked achievements and contributions, fostering a deeper understanding of the diverse and rich tapestry that is American history.

In 2021, the nation witnessed the historic inauguration of its first Black vice president, a woman with a significant background as a former district attorney of San Francisco, attorney general, and junior US Senator from California.

Moreover, the inauguration featured the poignant recitation of “The Hill We Climb” by twenty-two-year-old Amanda Gorman, making her the youngest inaugural poet ever. Her poem served as a powerful call for unity, collaboration, and togetherness among the American people, resonating with its promise of hope and encouragement.

Born in the heart of the Deep South during the civil rights movement in New Orleans, La., I hold a belief that addressing racial harm requires truth, accountability, and, hopefully, reconciliation. Engaging in the necessary and difficult conversations is crucial for progress.

As Amanda Gorman eloquently stated on December 29, 2021:

“There is always light.
If only we’re brave enough to see it.
If only we’re brave enough to be it.”

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

Recall the moments when your child, just a baby, might have accidentally bumped their head on the crib or got startled awake by a loud noise? Those seconds felt like an eternity as you anxiously awaited that unmistakable gulp for air, typically followed by a piercing cry.

Breathing — the most intrinsic and involuntary function we perform as human beings. Every living creature, regardless of size, breathes. It’s the essence of life, a reflex as natural as your heart beating in your chest.

Despite being essential, we often take breathing for granted.

Recent studies by the Harvard Business Review and Yale News highlight effective ways to cope with anxiety and stop feeling anxious through SKY Breath Meditation, a breathing modality that activates the parasympathetic nervous system — the brain’s region responsible for rational thinking, providing a sense of calm, and restoring balance during stressful situations. Participants in both studies reported improved well-being and mental health after just two days of practicing these methods.

Drawing from a decade of training in SKY Breath Meditation, I can affirm that breath serves a purpose beyond oxygen supply. The way we breathe significantly influences our emotions and perception of the world.

If you’ve been grappling with stress, depression, or feeling overwhelmed — be it due to current events, the holiday season, or your child’s insistence on playing “Baby Shark” endlessly — know that you’re not alone.

Here are specific ways to cope with anxiety and stop feeling anxious (share these with your child too!):

• Deeper inhales and longer exhales: When stress hits, consciously focus on deep inhales and long exhales. Count to 4 for inhales and 8 for exhales. It’s like a reset button for the fog in your mind.
• Quick, light stretching: Amid work deadlines and a growing pile of laundry, take 5 minutes for a quick stretch break. Activities like a yoga sun salutation get your blood flowing with good oxygen, providing relief from stress.
• Carve out time for meditation: Even 2 minutes in a quiet spot can make a significant difference. Focus on deep breathing, and you’ll feel the positive effects.

Learning to control your breath is a powerful way to deal with anxiety and how to stop feeling anxious, alleviating stress and filling yourself with positive energy. You not only gain more control over yourself but also set a valuable example of self-care for your children.

Supportive breathing is just one technique for becoming the parent you aspire to be. For a comprehensive parenting transformation, consider exploring the 90 Day Parenting Reset Program.

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

Dear Katherine,

In the midst of the holiday hustle, it’s crucial to keep things stress-free. This year marks our first holiday season within the Conscious Parenting Revolution, and the concerns are piling up. “Feeling Shy” shares worries about navigating extended family dynamics and potential clashes in parenting styles during the Christmas gathering.

Sincerely,
Feeling Shy

Feeling Shy,

Your apprehensions are completely valid, and you’re not alone in facing these challenges. Many parents within the Conscious Parenting Revolution have encountered similar situations. The holiday season, with its mix of excitement and stress, can indeed be overwhelming, especially when family dynamics come into play.

Navigating the holiday season becomes even more crucial when facing different parenting styles within the family. “A stress-free holiday” is the ultimate goal, and embracing open conversations with your kids about diverse parenting approaches ensures they understand and appreciate your conscious parenting choices.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone may share the same perspective on parenting. While you can’t control the opinions of others, you have the power to strengthen the connection with your children. Discussing your parenting choices with them and creating a plan for handling potential conflicts during family gatherings is a proactive step.

To minimize discomfort in parenting situations, consider avoiding an audience when addressing behavioral issues with your child. Taking these conversations to a private space allows for more effective communication and maintains a stress-free atmosphere for everyone involved.

Remember, “Ways to Cope with Holiday Stress” are essential, involving proactive communication, setting expectations, and creating strategies to handle challenges. While you can’t control external factors, you can empower yourself and your children to respond effectively.

Wishing you and your family a festive holiday season, filled with joy and “a stress-free holiday.”

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

Happy Holidays!

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And throughout the home,
Little ones a-stirring,
They’re quite the festive load!
You went the extra mile
To bring holiday joy,
But it’s not what you pictured
…it’s all about toys!

If that isn’t how the poem goes…it really should be!

A tranquil Christmas Eve isn’t the norm for many families. Your children, high on sugar and low on sleep, may not be the recipe for success!

Whether you have little ones on a sleep strike or those refusing anything not covered in frosting, here’s a quick tip to guide your child without raining on their parade:

“I can tell you’re really excited about Christmas, and it’s great to see how happy you are! The best gift I could ask for is that you get a good night’s rest and you eat some veggies. You’ll feel the best in the morning, making it a season of love, laughter and memories.”

Remember always to use AND and not BUT to start a conversation that takes both their side and yours into consideration.

Fill in the blanks with: you and your sibling aren’t fighting, adapt this script to whatever situation you find yourself in. Remember, both you and your child want the holidays to be a time of merriment and memories. You’re on the same team!

My Christmas wish for you this Christmas Eve is that you feel confident in your parenting. No matter where you are in your conscious parenting journey, I admire and applaud you.

To make your 2024 the best year ever, I’d like to gift you with 85% off our Ultimate Parenting Toolbox between now and Jan 24th! Just use the code HOLIDAY when checking out to receive this incredible offer. This Conscious Parenting starter kit will help you gain the skills to amplify your parenting wins by responding differently to behavioral challenges.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!

Cheers to you and your family!

Love and Blessings,
Katherine

Is your teenager’s defiant behavior taking center stage in your family life?

Navigating the challenging teenage years often leaves parents and caregivers at a loss. However, there’s a perfectly legitimate explanation for their behavior. Adolescence marks the development of the prefrontal cortex—the brain region responsible for judgment, weighing pros and cons, and managing emotional responses.

This crucial brain development continues until the mid-20s, making it challenging for teenagers to think critically and regulate their moods. Research even indicates that teens often misinterpret cues and facial expressions, frequently perceiving them as shock or anger.

Combined with the surge of new hormones, it’s no wonder your teen seems to constantly sigh, roll their eyes, and slam doors!

Understanding the Three R’s

Child psychologist Dr. Louise Porter, co-author of the Guidance Approach to Parenting, identifies that 75% of family disruptions stem from what Dr. Thomas Gordon called the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.

How To Deal With Rebellion and Resistance In Your Teen: Resistance occurs when your child refuses to walk beside you at the mall, rebellion manifests when they prioritize a party over homework, and retaliation emerges when they are aggressive with siblings due to feeling misunderstood.

Why kids rebel: Teens’ defiant behavior is a reaction to the imposition of power and control, a classic activation of the 3 Rs. Their lack of control over emotions and bodies, coupled with a legitimate need for self-direction and autonomy, leads them to “act out.”

Understanding Teenage Rebellion: As parents, practicing empathy and understanding their perspective is crucial. To address challenging behaviors, we must provide the autonomy they crave while ensuring their safety and well-being.

7 Practical Tips for Managing Your Teen’s Behavior

Eliminating the 3Rs involves using the Guidance Approach to Parenting, avoiding triggering them with controlling discipline. My TEDx talk, “The Rebellion is Here: We Created It and We Can Solve It,” provides more insight into this process.

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Here are practical tips that can make a world of difference:

1. In moments of heightened tension, it is advised to disengage. If the teenager appears defensive or upset, it is recommended to defer weighty conversations to a more opportune time. Providing them with space to collect their thoughts and regain composure can prove beneficial for both parties involved.
2. Establishing age-appropriate guidelines is essential.Granting adolescents the autonomy they seek involves setting guidelines that align with their respective ages. Recognizing that what is acceptable for a 13-year-old might be overly restrictive for a 16-year-old requires parental discernment. Collaborate with your teenager to formulate solutions, seeking mutual understanding to ensure everyone is on the same page. For instance, inquire, “Would you feel more comfortable if I allowed you to pursue your interests independently from 2-5 pm on Saturdays, as long as you inform me of your whereabouts and companions?”
3. Discovering common ground strengthens the parent-child bond.Identifying shared activities that both parties enjoy, such as watching a movie together, indulging in ice cream outings, or engaging in a favorite sport, fosters a positive atmosphere for meaningful connection. Encourage open communication by listening attentively when your teenager chooses to share aspects of their life.
4. Advocating a measured response over a reactive one is crucial.When your teenager confides in you, exercise restraint and avoid overreacting—particularly when it comes to topics like romantic interests. Shift away from the “my baby” perspective and offer objective advice, assuring your teenager that they can confide in you without judgment.
5. Choose language wisely to prevent defensiveness.Avoiding phrases like “You never” and “You always” is pivotal, as these tend to elicit defensiveness. Reframe statements to be non-accusatory; for example, instead of saying “You’re always late for school!” consider expressing concern by stating, “I’ve received reports about lateness from your school; is everything okay?”
6. Acknowledge and respect their privacy. Given the myriad changes occurring in their minds and bodies, teenagers often harbor heightened self-consciousness. Fostering trust entails refraining from intrusive behaviors such as snooping in bedrooms, phones, laptops, or social media. Building this trust empowers your teenager to confide in you willingly.
7. Facilitate understanding of physiological changes. Teens navigate physiological transformations more effectively when equipped with knowledge about what’s happening. If they are hesitant to discuss these changes with you, enlist the support of a trusted family member, friend, or counselor to ensure they receive the necessary guidance and information.

As your teenager navigates this complex period, providing the support they desperately need is critical.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine