Two Sides to Every Story: Are You Listening to Your Child?

Picture this: You’re minding your own business when the phone rings.

On the other end of the line, a teacher or camp counselor informs you that your child has been acting out. Your face flushes with embarrassment, and you assume the story they are telling must be the whole truth.

When our children misbehave in public — whether it’s getting into a fight at soccer practice or throwing a toy at a daycare teacher — our instinct as parents often leads us to apologize and then, shamefully, reprimand or punish them at home.

But are you listening to your child’s side of the story?

Anger and Shame Prevent Parents from Listening to Their Kids

I remember a time when I was on my way to my daughter’s Girl Scout camp. There had been a fight with another girl, and I was told that my daughter had allegedly shoved her. As punishment, the camp counselor put her in “detention” in one of the cottages. Upset and concerned, I drove to the campground.

I knew my daughter, and I knew she wouldn’t just push someone without reason. Why is listening to your child important in situations like this? Because I wanted to understand, how can you show you are listening to a child in moments when they’re already feeling so vulnerable.

As soon as I saw her, isolated and upset, my gut told me something was missing from the narrative I had been given. I approached her and gently asked, “Honey, what happened?” Through tears, she simply said, “I just want to go, I just want to go!”

Despite her desire to leave, I recognized that running away wouldn’t help; she’d leave without anyone hearing her side of what happened, and worse, she might already start developing a negative reputation as a “bad kid.” I knew I had to advocate for her, so I used what we call the protective use of force.

I told her, “I won’t let you develop a negative reputation. I understand that your side hasn’t been heard, and I’m not leaving until it is.” That’s when she opened up: “Mom, she was bullying me — calling me names in front of everyone. I asked her over and over to stop, but she wouldn’t, so I swung my arm and told her to stop it. And then I got in trouble!” My daughter’s big sobs spoke volumes about her confusion, her embarrassment, and the hurt she felt at being punished for defending herself.

Should parents listen to their children’s opinions? Especially in conflict situations? Absolutely. As I found out, my daughter’s actions came from a place of frustration and unmet needs. When I spoke to the camp counselor and facilitated a discussion between the girls, it became clear that my daughter hadn’t needed “detention”; she needed understanding.

That day, I learned a valuable lesson: Are you listening to your child’s side of the story? If I had let anger and embarrassment dictate my response, my daughter would have felt even more misunderstood and attacked. She might not have trusted me to tell her side of things ever again.

This doesn’t mean that every time a child misbehaves, it’s due to an honest mistake. But there’s almost always an unmet need driving the behavior. As parents, if we take the time to understand that need, we can address the root cause and work towards a meaningful resolution.

Our job is to put aside our own fears about how others perceive us and make sure we’re genuinely listening to our children. That’s where true connection and understanding begin.