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How to Negotiate With Angry People

How do you react when you face-off with an angry person? Do you shrink or shy away, avoiding the conflict? At the other end of the spectrum, do you get your game-face on and dish it back? Or do you have strategies in place to manage dealing with these situations with intention? We all find ourselves in this situation at some point. What if you could reframe how you see these interactions? Instead of seeing these moments as a hindrance, as horrible experiences to endure (or avoid), what if you could see them as a means to gather valuable information and a means to a successful negotiation outcome?

First let’s explore the 3 key reasons you’re likely to end up negotiating with an angry person.

(i)         The Other Party is Using Anger as a Negotiation Tactic

Recognize that sometimes people feign anger as a negotiation tactic. They use anger, with intention, to get you to acquiesce or make you feel guilty as a means to get their desired outcome. Be on guard for this tactic. Watch for both verbal and non-verbal cues to determine if the anger is authentic or tactical. Trust your intuition. Ask questions.

You may wonder why someone would resort to this tactic. Sadly, research shows that people who use anger in their negotiations get better negotiated outcomes. Now let me be clear. I am NOT advocating that you use this as a strategy. Quite the opposite. I’m sharing these research results so you can protect yourself against falling victim to it. Trust that better outcomes are waiting for you when you adopt some of the strategies we’ll discuss in this article.

(ii)        The Other Party Views Negotiation as a Win/Lose Proposition

We have been conditioned to see negotiations as competitive exercises where ‘winning’ is the goal. When your counterpart shows up from this place, they’re more likely to revert to anger in the negotiation process. Sadly, when we see negotiation as a win/lose proposition we miss out on valuable opportunities to find better solutions for all. When you face someone coming from this place, know you can help get them to a more collaborative approach if you show up with intention and use some of the approaches we suggest here.

(iii)       The Other Party Misunderstands What You’re Trying to Do

Misunderstandings often lead to angry reactions. Stay tuned to determine how you can work with someone to see collaboration and its benefits the same way you do.

Recognize that anger isn’t always directed at you. Often the other party is angry about circumstances. Even the circumstances may have nothing to do with you or the negotiation at hand. In my experience, angry people are often coming from a place of fear. Empathy and curiosity can be powerful antidotes to that. Allowing yourself to show up with empathy, truly seeking to understand the other party, will help identify this and make room for better responses. My No F.E.A.R. preparation model helps redress this.

Here are some quick Do’s when dealing with an angry person in negotiations.

First, let’s tackle the ‘inner’ do list i.e. how you show up:

Inner Do’s:

  • Be prepared – do your homework, including anticipating how you can respond to an angry counterpart; explore their triggers, etc. in advance whenever possible.
  • Know your why – know your deep ‘why’ that’s driving the negotiation/issue for you. It can help keep you focused on the outcome and stay out of reactive mode.
  • Self-regulate – don’t respond in kind. Take a breath. Ground yourself in a reminder of ‘who’ you want to show up as. Consider where the anger is coming from so you can respond most appropriately and productively.
  • Remain courteous and respectful – rather than getting reactive, when you treat the other party with dignity and respect you model best behaviour and can trigger reciprocity.
  • Stay focused and calm – don’t allow someone else’s anger to cause you to lose the clarity you need to secure best outcomes for you.
  • Practice empathy – seek to understand the other person’s position, their needs (both stated and unstated) and what drives them.
  • Separate the person from the problem – avoid personalizing the process – stay focused on the issues at hand and try to bring the discussion back to best ways to get the best outcome.
  • Know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) [For more on this check out my article on Know Your BATNA]

Here are some ‘external’ do’s you can try on during the negotiation itself:

External Do’s:

  • Get them to agree with you i.e. summarize their position.
  • Get curious. Ask questions.
  • Practice active listening.
  • Put your needs into their words – they’ll want to know what’s in it for them.
  • Mirror their words.
  • Let them think they’re in control.
  • Invite them to show up as the best version of themselves (i.e. “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you …”).
  • Call it out – speak to elephant in room – not in a way so as to trigger a defensive dig-in but to allow a face-saver for the other party (i.e. “It seems that you’re upset. Is there something I’ve said or done that’s causing this reaction? What can we do to get back on track?”)
  • Consider changing the venue i.e. regroup over lunch or go for a walk together to discuss the matter.

Consider the wisdom of Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, each great negotiators in their own right. When faced with anger they didn’t respond from a place of reactivity. They were thoughtful, considerate and compelling. They were strategic and kept the clarity necessary to maximize their chance of influencing the other party to their position through respectful, calm, insightful persuasion. In doing so, they invited the other party to show up as a better version of themselves.

I hope this quick check-list helps next time you find yourself facing an angry person in negotiations.

Cindy Watson
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